Gun Show s4e2: Black Friday Special
Nov 26, 2022 2:37:03 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 5 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Nov 26, 2022 2:37:03 GMT -5
Outside of the GUNS arena we see El Rey arriving earlier in the day before the show. He approaches the arena and shakes his head as he sees Off Brand RoboCop is still employeed.
El Rey: Am I on the list?
O.B.R.C: Name?
El Rey: El Rey. Former X*Crown Champion. Son of founder Venom.
O.B.R.C: None of those names are on the list. Terminating this conversation.
El Rey: Whoa whoa! No need to terminate anything. I’ve learned my lesson with Artificial Intelligence last time. I’ll buy a ticket.
El Rey throws up a peace sign to the generic robot and walks away.
We open on another Gun Show to a mixed crowd. Half seem to be high on Black Friday riot shopping while half seem to be dealing with the aftermath of too much Turkey. Even still the crowd is loud and we see signs such as “I killed a man for a TV today,” “Zoran’s faking it,” and “Does Nelly Still Work Here.” After the pan around the crowd we cut to Tom Phillips and Magnus at ring side.
Phillips: We’ve got a huge show planned for you all tonight.
Magnus: That’s right. Fresh off of the inferior Veteran’s Day broadcast run by Zoran we have a stacked card that will surely make you forget Johnny Sniper ever appeared on a GUNS broadcast.
Phillips: Now now, he put up a good fight, and I got a solid look at his wife’s cans.
Magnus: Did you just admit to looking at a Sniper’s wife’s cans on television?
Philips: Fix that in post.
Magnus: No. first up we continue the gauntlet for the new GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship. Already in the ring is Christopher Velez.
Chris paces around as “Wolves” by Big Sean begins to play. The spotlight hits the entranceway, but no El Rey to be found. Instead we hear a buzz from the crowd as El Rey is pushing his way through the aisles from his seat location. He hops the rail and heads into the ring and Velez calls for a mic.
Chris: This is who is to be champ huh? You’re the chosen prodigal son? I was hand picked by Ryan to replace Charlie Velez. Meanwhile you are here because of nepotism. It’s bullshit and I’m going to prove it right now.
El Rey stands across from his cousin and laughs before calling for a mic of his own.
El Rey: Hand picked by Ryan. What a joke. You weren’t hand picked, you were the only available option to a drug addict who needed to make money off of his old name. Meanwhile, I was chosen to be next in line. Not just by my dad, but by the same person you “replaced” in as Ryan’s partner. And you can’t talk about nepotism, you were Ryan’s cousin!
The younger El Rey walks into the face of his older cousin and gets so close they can feel each other’s breath as he continues.
El Rey: You’re just jealous cousin. Jealous because you’ve been in this business for a decade and I already have accomplished more than you ever will. Ring the bell.
When the ref turns to call for the bell El Rey swiftly kicks his cousin Chris in the balls and drops him with a DDT. He quickly covers as the ref turns back around 1…2…Velez kicks out. El Rey quickly gets up to his feet and stands over his fallen cousin who lays prone on his stomach. El Rey kicks at Christopher’s head softly and yells.
El Rey: You think you could do what I do?
He kicks at him again.
El Rey: You’re nothing. You were picked by a drug addict. I was picked by the best in the world.
Again he kicks away at his fallen cousin.
El Rey: You’re pathetic.
El Rey goes for another kick, but Christopher catches his leg. El Rey hops around in one leg as Christopher pulls himself up with his grip locked on El Rey’s leg. Christopher looks his cousin right in the eyes before delivering a dragon screw leg whip. El Rey hits the mat and grabs his leg in pain and quickly rolls to the outside to escape his foe. In the ring Christopher runs and bounces off the ropes and flies through the ropes and nails El Rey with a tope driving him back into the ring barrier.
Magnus: The elder cousin has turned the tables and really got the crowd behind him.
Phillips: Yes he has, and he helped me notice a good looking lady on that side of the ring.
Christopher pops up to a pop from the crowd, but is quickly ready to get back to business as he lands a stiff chop to the chest of the former X*Crown Champion to “woo’s” from the crowd. He follows with a second, and a third causing El Rey’s chest to brighten. The crowd chants “one more time” and Christopher obliges. El Rey screams out in pain and stumbles off the ring barrier into his cousin. Velez then grabs him by the wrist and whips him towards the ring steps, but at the last second El Rey leaps up onto the stairs and in one swift motion back flips off catching Christopher’s head as he does driving him down with a reverse DDT completing one of the many E-Ratio variations.
Magnus: That was V-Nominal.
Phillips: He calls it something else when he does it.
Magnus: That’s stupid.
El Rey slowly gets to his feet and slides back in the ring at 5 in the ref’s 10 count. As he uses the ropes to pull himself up El Rey encourages the ref to speed up the count. 6…Christopher is rolling around on the floor. 7…He begins to pull himself up using the ring barrier. 8…He shakes his head to get his bearings. 9…He realizes he’s in danger of being counter out and runs and leaps onto the ring apron. The ref stops his count as Velez leans through the ropes to come in, but he doesn’t make it all the way in as El Rey greets him with a kick to the chest. He pulls his body back out, but stays on the ring apron and El Rey quickly follows up grabbing him to suplex him into the ring. El Rey begins to lift his cousin up, but Velez blocks. El Rey tries again, but Velez hooks his leg in the bottom rope. Velez then lifts El Rey up, but mid way El Rey blocks and lands in the apron next to his cousin. The two begin exchanging blows on the apron until Velez blocks a left hand shot from El Rey and quickly lands a cutter on the ring apron! Christopher falls to the outside while El Rey rolls into the ring after the impact. Christopher quickly gets up to his feet and back into the apron. He looks at his prone cousin and motions to the crowd before leaping up and spring boarding off the top rope with a 450 splash. He stays on for the cover, but NO! El Rey kicks out at 2.
Magnus: That’s the closest a Velez has come to winning a match in the history of Guns.
Phillips: Facing one of his family members has really helped him show his full potential.
Christopher slams his hand on the mat to get the crowd clapping. He stands up and pulls his opponent up with him and whips him into the corner. Velez then follows his cousin in with a running knee lift. Velez follows it up with blows to the midsection until the ref breaks it up. Christopher takes a step back, regains his composure, and then charges in at his foe. Velez leaps up for a big splash, but El Rey side steps it. Velez stumbles backwards out of the corner and El Rey quickly moves in, wraps Velez arms across his chest and nails X-ed Out with the bridge. 1…2…3!
Winner and moving on in the gauntlet: El Rey
Magnus: So much for a Velez finally winning in Guns.
Phillips: Yup. Looks like that will have to wait, but who is El Rey going to face next?
As if he heard Phillips El Rey’s dad, owner, and founder Venom. He stands up on the apron with a mic in his hand. Before he can speak, though, his son El Rey has a mic and cuts him off.
El Rey: Alright pops. So who’s next huh? Not many Velez left huh.
El Rey laughs as he looks over to Christopher who is being helped up by the ref.
Venom: You’re right, but I have one more Velez up my sleeve.
El Rey: You really bringing uncle Chuck out of retirement again?
Venom: No. Next episode you’ll be facing Ryan Velez…
El Rey: Dad are you smoking the same stuff uncle Ryan used to. He’s dead.
Venom: …Junior. He’ll be making his wrestling debut and he’d love nothing more than to prove he’s a part of this wrestling family too. Be ready, because you have no idea what he’s bringing.
Phillips: Wow, another Velez!
Magnus: Probably just an illegitimate kid of Ryan’s. Dude spread his seed far and wide.
Phillips: No matter who he is, he’s an unknown that El Rey is going to have to figure it out.
Magnus: We all are in for a surprise, but I’m getting word something is happening in the back.
We cut to the back where Venom is walking back to his office when he’s stopped by roster member and long time XHFer Nelly Angel cuts him off.
Nelly: Sorry to bother you V, but I’ve got a question or two for you.
Venom: I’ve always got time for my favorite interviewer.
Nelly: I’m not here as an interviewer. I haven’t been that in a long time.
Venom: Not according to your contract here.
Nelly: Yeah, that’s Magnus’ doing. You know I’m a wrestler now. I’m a multiple time Junior Heavyweight Champion and I want in this gauntlet. I know you’ve got the next opponent lined up, but I think I should be in the mix.
Venom: I get it Nell. You’ve been wildly underused since you joined Guns, but I promise your time will come. In fact, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but you’re last in line. You’re my Shang Tsung. You got that?
Nelly: Understood V. Thank you.
Magnus: What?!?! V is using MY top interviewer as his top Junior Heavyweight? Why must everyone who works here undermine me?
Phillips: Maybe it’s in the contracts.
Magnus: Shut up. Let's cut to something else. I need a moment.
A Burger King stands deserted near the arena. A banner announcing ‘WELCOME GUNS!! ALL YOU CAN EAT ON THE HOUSE!’ is shown in the window but not a soul is seen inside.
The tables are pushed together to hold the food. Whoppers and Chicken fries, Rodeo and Suicide burgers, Frings and BK BLTs are stacked on the tables to a height of at least five feet.
Standing forlornly, The Burger King himself sighs heavily.
The Burger King: WON’T SOMEONE RID ME OF THIS TROUBLESOME FEAST!!!
Four mediaeval knights in chainmail appear, their swords drawn.
Knight: We ride for Canterbury immediately, your highness!
The Burger King: I SAID FEAST!
The knights depart and the Burger King slumps into a booth and starts to sob.
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY!!!!!!
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Magnus: Ah Blobby, you make everything better.
Phillips: Good. Glad we can move on.
Magnus: He made me feel so much better Tom, that I’ve got something to say to this crowd.
Magnus sets his headset down and walks up and into the ring with a mic. He looks around at the crowd who greet the show runner with a mixed reaction.
Magnus: I guess it’s about time I address the elephant in the room. That elephant is a question the internet message boards keep posing, why. Why would BEEF, a staple of GUNS, cost GUNS a match in the war with CAR. Why would BEEF continue to attack a guy like Redmond Fury who only wants the best for GUNS. Why would Magnus condone all of this? Well guys, I’m going to answer that right here and right now.
Mumbling of excitement overtakes the crowd.
Magnus: But first.
Excitement turns into rage at yet another Magnus bait and switch. Magnus smirks in response.
Magnus: I introduce to you, BEEF.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as BEEF walks out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. BEEF begins to walk down to the ring. The crowd boos the man that has continually assaulted fan favorite Redmond Fury. The beefy star walks to the ring ignoring the jeers and joins Magnus.
Magnus: Now that he’s here, in all his glory, let me answer your questions of why.
Magnus paces a big before continuing.
Magnus: To answer why, I must first pose my own question. Why not?
Magnus lowers the mic and pauses.
Magnus: Who started the fight with CAR and to a lesser extent J-Rok? It wasn’t me. So why would I care about losing a match to the CAR team? I wouldn’t and I didn’t. Why would I care about Redmond Fury? Because he was our Phoenix Champion? He’s also the one who lost it to first the Gobbly Gooker and got us in hot water and then let Dinosaur Bones take it to CAR. Oh yeah, he also did this thing where he took our fake marriage and took HALF of my stuff. So when I saw a chance to get retribution, I dispatched BEEF. And now I make a promise to all of you. The Phoenix Championship WILL return to GUNS, and BEEF will be the one to bring it back.
Magnus drops the mic and taunts the crowd with BEEF. The two exit the ring BEEF heading back to the back and Magnus returns to the desk. Meanwhile, a cloud of smoke suddenly explodes in the centre of the ring. When it clears, a pudgy guy dressed as Nature is clearly rocking the ninja skills.
Funimation Guru K: Anyone like ...Attack on Titan?
Before the crowd can respond, "Hocus Pocus" by Focus BLASTS over the PA system. Out of the back charges a man who makes Fury & Beef look like they don't take steroids. Red and white tassels fly, as this figure rampages down the aisle.
Funimation Guru K: Who doesn't crush on Levi Akerman?
The bodybuilder responds with a snarl, and quickly crushes the Funimation advocate with a power slam. The bell rings.
Warrior follows it up with a standing splash for 1... 2... 3.
Sylvia Starr: Your winner of this... match... The Netflix Warrior!
"Hocus Pocus" plays again as The Netflix Warrior gets off the pancake that was Funimation. Warrior starts violently shaking the ropes.
The Netflix Warrior: ARE. YOU. STILL. WATCHING?
The crowd chant along with the popular catchphrase.
Phillips: Man, I thought Disney's Marty was a shoe-in for best wrestler sponsored by a streaming service, but can anyone stop the Warrior?
Backstage, El Rey is walking with a confident swagger not seen since he lost the X*Crown. Why, a few more wins like tonight's and that robot security guard might even learn his name. It's odd that he requires that validation. Best not to think about it, as nothing can bring El down from this high...
"Great defense champ!"
El Rey: I kno- ep.
Turning, the would be cruiser champion looks like someone walked over his grave as he comes face-to-face with his mentor... and victim.
Zoran Sainovic: I know your schedule is fairly busy with ze title, but I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you...
El Rey nods politely, but is busy looking for an escape route - running scenarios through his head about the best parkour exit to avoid disembowlment. The GUNS Arena needs more windows.
Zoran Sainovic: Look about End of Days...
Christ, here it comes. El Rey nearly faints.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm not like Venom or Tracy... zere is nothing to fear. I'm just happy to see you grow.
El Rey: That... that means a lot.
Zoran Sainovic: I mean it, Rey. When you were in ze UK, in exile, I could see your confidence take a hit. Please know, your X*Crown run was something special... and whenever you want a rematch...
El Rey breaks into a cold sweat.
Zoran Sainovic: You only have to ask, my boy.
Rey nods in understanding, relieved that the two have finally cleared the air.
El Rey: Thanks Zoran, it would be such a thrill wrestling you again............ BUT I'm pretty busy with the Junior heavyweights right now.
Yeah, El Rey knows what time it is... at least for appearance sake. Inside, Rey doesn't trust this shit at all and knows Zoran is just trying to get him to lower his defences before dropping the axe.
Zoran Sainovic: Ze main thing is zat we're cool after what happened at En-
L.A. Wombat: Mister Sainovic! I need that S.O.B. lizard tonight! My kids keep crying for their Mother - I don't know what to tell them. I can't make this right, but at least I can hurt the monster that took her from them!
The burying of hatchets is interrupted by La Authentica, who corners Sainovic in the hallway hoping for revenge. The distraction is all El Rey needs to mount escape plan #761...
Zoran Sainovic: I understand completely 'Bat, and as far as I'm concerned, we should gut zat dracolich in ze middle of ze ring and exume its victims. Unfortunately, seeing Magnus and Venom abuse zeir authority... I relinquished my commissioner title to avoid similar corruption. I still have creative control over my own appearances, and maintain ze office, but when it comes to giving you ze rematch you so richly deserve? Magnus has ze book.
Mentioning the GUNS founder, Zoran thumbs to the far end of the hallway where Magnus is walking with BEEF. Nodding his thanks, Wombat charges off towards the owner.
Zoran Sainovic: So Rey-
Turning back to his protégé, Zoran discovers the youth has disappeared. The Final Boss can't help but think that El Rey is still expecting a painful death. What a shame.
"MAGNUS!"
The camera races down the hall where Wombat is confronting the owner.
L.A. Wombat: I need that bastard, Bones!
Magnus: We all understand your need for revenge, Wombat. I have also had a spouse eaten on XHF programming. But why are you bringing this to me...
L.A. Wombat: Mister Sainovic tells me you're booking again.
Damn it. That's true, but you really shouldn't say it.
Magnus: You're always telling me you want vacations off - so I figured you could spend Black Friday with your fami-
Oh right, the wife's dead. Magnus trails off.
L.A.Wombat: What if she's still alive inside him, like I was with UrsusLa? I have to rescue her!
Magnus: And reclaim our property!
L.A.Wombat: That doesn't really matter to me.
The fool. While Bears are fantastic ecosystems capable of sustaining life for millions of years, a dracolich just renders all it consumes to the void. Ms. Wombat, much like the XHF Gobbledygooker, is long dead.
Magnus: If you want Bones, you're entitled... I was just telling BEEF here the other day, only three GUNS superstars were capable of standing up to the dinosaur brute. BEEF here, the hero of GUNS that is XHF Shockmaster, and our very own Demonic Venom...
At the mention of his possessed alter ego, Wombat turns pale.
Magnus: So if you want to unleash that dastardly monster on the reptile - I'll sign it right now!
The last words he spoke to his late wife, a promise not to be possessed again, echo through Wombat's mind.
L.A.Wombat: I... can't...
Magnus: That's a shame. Because if I let you wrestle him in normal form, I'd probably be on the hook for assisting manslaughter. Or worse... when you reunite with your wife in the monster's stomach - get stuck raising your kids.
L.A.Wombat (absent minded confirmation): Ken is their godfather...
Magnus (nodding): See, more assisted manslaughter...
There is an uncomfortable pause. Magnus misses having a commissioner.
Magnus: Good news - that idiot Zoran failed to properly secure his feed, so no one got to see that touching tribute you made to your wife. SO I'm going to let you have another one tonight...
L.A.Wombat (so depresses he can barely speak): ...thanks...
Looking suicidal, the widower walks off into a dream.
Magnus (to BEEF): Don't these people know I keep office hours?
Not that he has an office. No sooner does Wombat leave frame, then a certain Dread Lord's lumbers into it...
Dinosaur Bones: I WAS PROMISED A HAMBURGER!
This appears to be how the lizard brain interpreted Magnus's boasts of BEEF beating him. A few feet away from the monster, and such bravado melts away.
Magnus: They are in the kraft service area...
Dinosaur Bones: THE COVENANT IS FULFILLED, I BLESS THIS UNION!
With that the hulking dracolich turns, almost decapitating Magnus with a tail strike. As the beast exits, Magnus really hopes they are serving hamburgers in the cafeteria. ...Also he's a little concerned that Dinosaur Bones just officiated a wedding between Magnus and BEEF. He is so over fake marriages.
"Son of a bitch."
Speak of the devil. Two dozen security guards spill into the hallway, desperately trying to keep the Buckeye Bruiser and BEEF from coming to blows.
Redmond Fury: Next time you drop a house on a guy, have the basic decency to leave his shoes!
The Buckeye Bruiser is wrapped up like a Mummy, looking worse for wear from his gang beating, and house demolition.
Redmond Fury: You and me, BEEF, tonight!
Beef: You picked the wrong federation to try to steal, gold digger!
This accusation is met with confusion.
Redmond Fury: The settlement - had nothing to do with money, and EVERYTHING to do with him leaving me to die inside a bear!
Magnus: One you seem particularly chummy with! That homewrecking hairy floozy!
Wait, what is he saying? Magnus is quick to downplay his clear jealousy that Redmond has a better relationship with bears...
Magnus: BEEF will be more than happy to take you out, and protect GUNS!
This last lie fires Beef up, but causes Fury to scowl... recognizing the not so subtle manipulations going on... but being too damn sore to forgive to muscular fool.
Magnus: ...But tonight, you have a tribute match to put on. Unless the memory of Ms. Wombat isn't as important as your petty grievances...
Redmond Fury: .........Fine, Magnus. If that is how you want to play it. I'll be there for a friend, but your hired goon is on borrowed time... and as for you? Given how much of your estate my lawyers took in the settlement, what do you think they're going to do to you for the damages to the house?
Magnus: I'm shaking!
The founder mock shakes his hands, as Fury is escorted by guards back to the dressing room. The moment the hall clears, Magnus drops to his knees, actually shaking.
Magnus: I'll be ruined!
Recognizing the dire financial situation that his last House Death match has placed Magnus in, Beef resolves to save GUNS the only way he knows how. Punching Fury.
Black Friday morning, Best Buy.
Even with the sharp increase in online shopping people still exist who live to shop on Black Friday. This early in the morning everyone is still lined up outside, and among the shopped we find Nelly Angel. Apparently he didn’t get enough of Best Buy last year.
Nelly: This year I just know I won’t have any problems. No one would want what I’ve got in mind for my brother this year. It’s really obscure.
“Oh yeah, what is it?”
Nelly: It’s a…
Nelly turns around to find the one and only Kurt Angle standing behind him in line. He stops mid sentence.
Nelly: Not you again! I’m not telling you. That ruined my Black Friday last year.
Angle: No, you can tell me, I promise. What I’m getting for my totally legit son Jason Jordan.
Nelly: Well…what I’m getting my brother this year is obscure…
Angle: So is mine! No way we picked the same obscure thing right?
Nelly: Yeah, I guess so. Well, okay then. What I’m getting him is the Blu-ray set of Drunk History, or as my Brother calls it, history.
Angle: No.
Nelly: What?
Angle: No. That is exactly what I’m here for.
Nelly: Not again.
In the flick of a second Kurt Angle grabs Nelly and runs him face first into the wall and Nelly falls to the ground and the line starts to move. After a few moments Nelly shakes his head and comes to. Kurt Angle is no where in sight and the line is moving into the Best Buy. He leaps up an rushes in.
Nelly bursts through the doors and looks around frantically. He grabs the nearest team member and grabs him by the shirt collar. He looks at the name tag and exclaims.
Nelly: Adrien. Where is the Blu-Ray section?
The team member points in fear. Nelly releases his collar, straightens it up for him, and bolts in the direction he was pointed. He dodges through soccer moms and techie dads as they search for the perfect gifts for their family until he reaches the end of the aisle. With one quick look down he sees Kurt Angle at the other end with the Box Set in hand.
Angle: Too slow! And wouldn’t you know it, it’s the last one.
Nelly: That can’t be true!
Angle: Oh it’s true, it’s damn true.
Nelly: I played right into that one.
With a laugh Kurt turns and heads towards the check stands. Nelly let’s out an audible yell of frustration and then steps into action. He quickly climbs to the top of the racking and spots his foe running through the jam-packed aisles. Nelly with his Junior Heavyweight skills leaps from one rack to the next gaining on Angle and avoiding the mobs of people. Over the video game aisle. Across the headphone aisle. He runs along the Cell Phone station and then leaps landing in the back of Kurt Angle right before he can reach the check stands. The Blu-Ray flies out of the hands of Kurt as is tackled to the ground.
Nelly: You’re not getting away with this.
Angle: And neither are you.
Kurt points as the Box Set is picked up near the check stand. The camera follows an arm up to see Magnus. He looks at the Box Set on both sides and shrugs as he heads to the check stand.
This Match is Declared No Contest
Phillips: Wait. You bought that out from under Nelly and Kurt?
Magnus: What can I say, it’s a good series.
Phillips: You’re a jerk.
Magnus: A jerk with the Drunk History box set.
Phillips: Ugh. Let’s move on to the next match. The in ring debut of the Crinkly Bottom Boys.
Magnus: Yay!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring.
The cameras cut to the crowd and in the front-row is the entire Wrexham AFC Soccer team alongside Ryan Reynolds and Rob McIlheny. The CBB’s music is cut.
Sylvia Starr: Please all rise for the Welsh National Anthem.
The crowd stand for the tiny country’s anthem.
Noel Edmonds starts to shake.
Rob McIlheny proudly shows off his Welsh language skills, Ryan Reynolds gives an annoyingly earnest shrug of the shoulders to admit he knows no Welsh whatsoever.
In between verses, a sheep can be heard happily baa’ing away as if rustled or tampered with by a Welshman.
The shaking has now passed, in its place is Edmonds rocking on his haunches on the aisle floor.
As the anthem hits its crescendo, blood starts to pour from the nose and ears of Noel.
Luke Langley calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Langley starts the count…
ONE!
TWO!
Edmonds is talking in tongues even Blobby can’t decipher.
THREE!
FOUR!
Noel’s hands go to his ears as if to try and keep out any remnants of the anthem still echoing in the arena.
SIX!
SEVEN!
The Harsh Winter Pilgrim is talking to Osawa…IN THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING HE’S SHARED A RECIPE FOR AIR FRYER TURKEY!
EIGHT!!
Blobby conflicted, makes a dash for the ring as fast as his legs will take him!
NINE!
He looks to roll under the bottom rope but bounces out because he’s just TOO DAMN BIG TO FIT! Blobby sits on the ringside floor and raises his hands in a ‘what can you do?’ moton.
TEN!
LANGLEY CALLS FOR THE BELL!!
Sylvia Starr: THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH….THE HARSH WINTER PILGRIM AND RIVAL RECRUITER OSAWA!!
EMTs have Edmonds on a stretcher. In-between garbled words and half-sentences we get some actual English out of him.
Noel Edmonds: Made up language! Like someone dropped a Scrabble board! Not even a real country!
Magnus: What the hell was that?
Phillips: That was your prized free agent signing losing to some random people Zoran signed.
We take a break from the action as we fade in on a small laundry nook. A young man is on his hands and knees removing clothes from a front-loading washing machine.
Young Man: 靴下はいつも1つ…
(There is always one sock…)
He decides to go deeper into the washing machine, more-or-less climbing half way in.
Young Man: ハハ！ 私はあなたを見つけました！
(Ah-ha! I found you!)
The man begins to back out….but it appears that he has become stuck. We quickly cut to a living room where a woman is relaxing on the couch. She has her legs stretched out as she watches the television. Next to her is a bottle of Super Sake brand sake, which she has been pouring shots from. Soon though her alone time is interrupted by a yell. She puts down her small cup and makes her way out of the living room to the laundry nook where the young man is.
Young Man: 継母！ 洗濯機に詰まった！
(Step-mother! I got stuck in the washing machine!)
The woman looks at the scene, the young man’s bottom half is the only thing she can see as his entire upper-body has been entrapped by the washing machine. She tries to think but her thinking is soon interrupted by two tiny gaijin (foreigners) on either shoulder. We zoom in on her right (our left) to find Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel. He is wearing a red suit and holding a carton of Super Sake brand sake.
Randy: Lady, I know what you’re thinking. And you know what? You should go for it!
(レディ、私はあなたが何を考えているか知っています。 そして、あなたは何を知っていますか？ あなたはそれのために行くべきです！)
Randy toasts the woman’s face. She looks to her other shoulder where we find Super Sake Presents: Kris “Triple Quake” Quake wearing a white suit. He is holding a plastic bottle of Super Sake brand Sake-to-Go. He pours it on his head and face and then spits it at her.
Quake: Yeah! You go girl!
(うん！ あなたは女の子に行きます！)
The woman looks confused.
Woman: あなたの一人が私にこの行動方針を思いとどまらせるべきではありませんか？
(Shouldn't one of you dissuade me from this course of action?)
Randy: You’ve been drinking a lot of Super Sake- responsibly.
(あなたは責任を持ってスーパー酒をたくさん飲んでいます。)
He’s right, she’s right soused. She tries to shake her head sober, it doesn’t work and our brand ambassadors are still on her shoulder.
Young Man: 継母、そこにいますか？ 動けません！ 私は今とても脆弱だと感じています…
(Step-mother, are you there? I can’t move! I feel so vulnerable right now…)
The woman looks at her step-son and licks her lips. The tiny Quake walks across her shoulder to her ear.
Quake: Go ahead, do it. It’s your turn now.
(どうぞ、やってください。 あなたの番がきました。)
She nods. The camera makes a sharp turn over her shoulder to face the living room again.
Narrator: スーパー酒！ 男性だけじゃない！ 女性、あなたも責任を持ってたくさん飲むことができることをあなたの人生の男性に見せましょう！
(Super Sake! It isn’t just for men! Ladies, let’s show those men in your lives that you too can drink a lot- responsibly!)
Voice: 継母、何をしているの？
(Step-mother, what are you doing?)
The scene fades and we return to GUNS.
Phillips: So this involves five different food based death matches?
Magnus: An XHF classic stipulation. The only variation being that instead of five on five, we have one on one through the five matches. Wombat wanted to make it a classy singles encounter in memory of his late wife, but given how many Thanksgiving leftovers were at my rundown apartment... I insisted on the food theme.
Phillips: Wanted to see your ex roll around in creamed corn?
Magnus: What - no!
Phillips: Been there...
Magnus: Seriously Tom, not everything is kinky-
The first fall involving dressing a caesar salad - the ring has as much lettuce as it does glass and thumbtacks. Mister GUNS looks uncomfortable, not wanting to engage in a death match against his grieving friend - but telling himself that this is just the kind of action that Ms. Wombat lived for, Fury approaches Wombat.
DING! DING! DING!
And they're off-
THE FOLLOWING VARIETY SHOW WAS PAID FOR BY THE NEW DISNEY WORLD ORDER
THE CAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
(The shot fades up on Galaxy’s Edge at Disney World. A crowd, all dressed in bear onesies, are seated around a wrestling ring. The fan’s look bored and depressed, but none attempt to leave. This is because stormtroopers, each with the coat of arms of Serbia painted on their chest plates, keep them all at gunpoint. We once again hear Marty’s bad Jim Ross impersonation.)
Not Jim Ross: Folks, we were planning to broadcast a fabulous holiday special for you. Unfortunately, the planet Carshyyyk has been conquered by the evil empire. Yes, the Beahr Buddies are now enslaved and forced to watch this terrible BLASTERS Wrestling.
(Inside the ring is Dana “The Drone” Daniels. The scrawny jobber wears a black singlet, cape and Kylo Ren helmet. In the other corners of the ring are three GNK droids dressed as Kanyon, Brendan Harding and Cross Recoba.)
Not Jim Ross: Look at that despicable KyZo-Ran. The fake champ has lined up some real tomato cans. This match is going to be Sabacc shoe ugly.
(A bith in a referee shirt calls for the bell. The armless droids wander around uselessly as KyZo pushes them over with ease. Once all three are on the ground the bell is rung.)
Not Jim Ross: Oh, what a real tough guy. Why don’t you take off the restraining bolts next time?
(The theme song from The Mandalorian plays and the crowd jumps to their feet in true excitement. Out walks Marty Donovan wearing mandalorian armor that matches the colors scheme of Flynn Rider from Tangled.)
Not Jim Ross: Man-do! Man-do! Man-do!
( Marty fights his way through wave after wave of stormtroopers with ease. He slides into the ring where KyZo cowers in the corner.)
Not Jim Ross: The great Marty Donovan is liberating us. Business is about to pick up!
(KyZo presses a button on a remote control and the GNK droids stand up. Arms and Dark Trooper helmets emerge from the trash can robots.)
Not Jim Ross: SON OF A BITCH! ACKBAR WAS RIGHT! IT’S A TRAP!
(The four villains rush Marty. He places a hand on the middle rope and takes an incredibly slow bump to the mat. KyZo pulls out a darksaber knife and taunts Marty.)
Not Jim Ross: Does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart? Do you have no soul?
( “Light the Sky on Fire” by Jefferson Starship plays and the crowd roars in approval. A miniature horse dressed to look like Dinosaur Bones walks out. Riding on his back is a child in mandalorian armor painted to match Boba Fett’s first appearance in the holiday special’s cartoon.)
Not Jim Ross: By Gawd, that’s infamous bounty hunter Boba Fettinto!
(Tinto verbally orders the horse to gallop down the ramp, but it doesn’t speak English. He crosses his arms and pouts at being ignored. Ollie Oldham, dressed as Rapunzel dressed as Princess Leia with massive hair buns, walks out and casually leads the miniature horse to the ring at a nice safe pace. Tinto pretends to be on a speeder bike.)
Not Jim Ross: What a rider! Boba is quicker than a hiccup!
(Tinto goes to step off the horse, but gets scared. Ollie hugs him and places the little bounty hunter on the ground. Tinto scurries into the ring and begins kicking the shins of the droids.)
Not Jim Ross: As the maker is my witness, he’s broken those droids in half!
(The three droids fall over and Marty does an HBK kip up. He slaps the blade out of KyZo’s hand and military press slams the jobber to the outside of the ring. Footage of weequay falling into the Sarlacc Pit is edited in.)
Not Jim Ross: Carshyyyk is free! The Beahrood dream has come true!
(A Bea Arthur impersonator dressed as Memaw walks out. They sing "Good Night, But Not Goodbye” from the holiday special as confetti falls. Marty and Ollie slow dance as the crowd cheers. Tinto jumps from the second turnbuckle, trying to get his jetpack to activate.)
Not Jim Ross: Folks, I hope this has inspired you all. Perhaps you can all stand up to an evil wrestling company on your own planet. Maybe it even has a name similar to BLASTERS. It is time to fight for freedom by changing the channel and watching the superior CAR! This is Jim Ross, the ragin’ cajun, signing off.
(Ollie asks Marty to remove his helmet, but he is in character and refuses. She tries to pull it off, but he squirms away. She starts crying and scolding him. The shot fades out on Tinto having a temper tantrum, repeatedly stomping on his fake jetpack.)
The signal finally returns to GUNS just in time for-
Both Redmond Fury and L.A. Wombat are drenched in blood, but Fury still manages to hold Wombat's arm up in victory. It's unclear who actually won, but the crowd clearly thought this was the MATCH OF THE YEAR based on the volume of the "GUNS" chants.
Phillips: And that is the fifth match DONE! I don't believe what I just saw.
Magnus: A strong contender for match of the year - I hate that Fury was in this, because even I have to admit how damned good it was.
Phillips: Nothing like watching your ex roll around in boiling hot gravy to respark the romance.
Magnus: WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER! It was just a really good match.
Phillips: A fitting tribute to Ms. Wombat...
You're starting to really resent Marty for his continued signal harassment. What did Ms. Wombat ever do to him?
We open on a zoom in of Curtis Kanyon to see him putting the finishing touches on painting some sort of mural.
Curtis: That ought to do it!
Curtis runs behind some boxes as the camera pulls out to reveal he was painting a tunnel that looks like it leads to a redwood forest. Next to it is a sign that reads "Salmon this way" with an arrow pointing into the fake tunnel. We then see a time lapse of Curtis waiting, falling asleep, waking up not knowing where he is, then pulling out a lunchpail and eating, then waiting some more. Time slows back to normal speed as Curtis gets excited and hides.
Goldbear II comes into the scene sauntering around on all fours. He sees the sign, looks left. Looks right. He then continues on toward the tunnel. Curtis looks ready to pounce when Goldbear II is vulnerable, but instead, Goldbear II passes through the tunnel!? Curtis looks confused. He charges at the tunnel and his face smacks against the wall. He falls in a heap onto the floor. After a minute, Magnus comes over and nudges at Curtis with his feet.
Curtis: I don’t wanna go to school today Mama, just make Chris turn in my homework.
Magnus: Curtis! Curtis, get up!
Curtis: Wha? Who? I'm okay.
Curtis gets up and dusts himself off.
Magnus: Can you believe some asshole vandalized the backstage area with this sweet painting?
Curtis: Yeah, what a dick. Anyway, I was ready to pounce on Goldbear II, how did he go through?
Magnus: He's a magical creature. Must I remind you again that you cannot fight for the Bear Necessities Title?
Curtis: Not yet! But I'm working on it! I've been taking Rogaine and working on my motorcycle skills. I just have to find the right gay bar. The wife was surprisingly cool with it.
Magnus: Uh… what?
Curtis: It's cool Magnus, if all goes well, I'll be able to challenge for the Bear Necessities Title soon enough!
Curtis walks off as Magnus just stands there looking confused.
Phillips: Well fans it’s the match we’ve been waiting for title against title-
Magnus: And based on our mutual appreciation of BEARS, I’m counting Kanyon as a GUNS wrestler – so even when Zoran finally drops the crown, we don’t even lose anything!
Phillips: It promises to be intense.
Magnus: At every turn this year, BANG has had Sainovic’s number – and I for one can’t wait for this next chapter in his humiliating defeats.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is the MAIN EVENT and is a UNIFICATION match with the Fireside Heavyweight championship on the line against the XHF X*Crown!
The crowd explode in anticipation. A video package shows highlights of various Fireside championship matches – before fading in on a graphic showing the final champion opposite The Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first, the challenger, and FINAL Fireside heavyweight champion! Hailing from Washington, D.C. - he weighs in at 271 pounds and stands at 5’7”! Please give a warm GUNS welcome to...
The Breaker of Worlds
The Archangel
The Real F'n Deal
The People's Champ
The Imitator of Violence
The King of Xtreme
That Former President of the United States...
CURTIS KAAAAANYON!
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30-second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside heavyweight title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He walks down to the ring, nodding to the fans. Curtis then climbs into the ring and goes to the turnbuckles. He climbs a turnbuckle and points to the crowd with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air! He jumps down and gives his hammer to the ref, ready for action.
Phillips: Not us much BANG branding as usual during the former president’s introduction- one has to wonder if the tensions in the group will distract him from the match at hand.
Magnus: Don’t be preposterous. Do you know how long Kanyon waited to win the Fireside title? He’s not going to blow it in his FIRST defence, beyond the honour of the X*Crown, and satisfaction of shutting down Sainovic. This is HIS night!
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, OUR champion... standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. The positive reaction is still a little unnerving, but Sainovic smiles politely – wandering towards the ring in sync to the music with a killer swagger.
Phillips: After everything that you and Venom said about him, I’m surprised that Sainovic didn’t take the X*Crown to a rival federation...
Magnus: What can I say? He’s like a bad penny.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Reaching up with his good hand, Sainovic removes the lapel pin that represents the titles – handing it to referee Luke Langley. Langley holds the pin up to Kanyon, then the Fireside championship to Zoran, before handing both to a waiting attendant. The crowd are at a fever pitch, as Sainovic and Kanyon stare across at each other.
DING! DING! DING!
The two men meet in the centre of the ring, where Kanyon teases a test of strength with the arm that Sainovic clearly can’t use. Not amused, Zoran fakes a sucker punch before twisting to slap on a headlock with his working right arm. The significantly larger of the two, Kanyon easily muscles out – firing Sainovic off into the ropes. Zoran rebounds with a shouldertackle, but despite an audible SMACK – Kanyon holds his ground. Happy to reciprocate, the former president runs back into the ropes and returns with a shouldertackle of his own – SMACK. The X*Crown champion starts to stagger, but then powers through to maintain his footing much to the delight of the crowd. They attempt this a few more times, without either being knocked down.
Philips: Neither man willing to give an inch.
Magnus: The simple truth is that in the past few years, the XHF has seen a shift towards cruiserweights. This is as close as you’re going to get to heavyweight action, no high flying from these two – just massive shots.
Kanyon clocks Zoran with a right hook. So Zoran nails Kanyon with a forearm smash. Kanyon responds with a vicious right hook. Which Zoran eats before snapping off a STIFF forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Left jab. Just kidding, roundhouse right!
Phillips: Their faces turning interesting shades of purple. The last time I saw swelling like that I was lurking in the bushes of a catholic girl sch-
Magnus: Damn it Tom!
This last shot seems to knock Sainovic hard enough that he’s struggling to stand. Seeing the tide turning in his favour, Kanyon makes a joke that isn’t picked up on camera. Not seeing the humour in it, Sainovic shoves into Kanyon’s personal space so that the two men are literally grinding their foreheads into one another – in a continued refusal to give ground. They both then charge back into the ropes, and rebound at one another for another shoulder tackle – with Kanyon finally dropping Sainovic to the canvas. The crowd cheer. Not for spite of the former commissioner, but that the stalemate has been settled.
Phillips: CDK finally getting the Final Boss down to the mat-
Magnus: That’s the thing. Zoran has been teaching himself to wrestle with one arm, and that’s fine, when he has forty pounds on his opponents. He throws his weight around to survive and ruin another show, but in THIS CASE Kanyon has that weight advantage.
Sainovic starts to get up, only for Kanyon to help him into a scoop slam. No sooner does Sainovic hit the canvas, then the former president nails him with a stiff right kick to the wounded left arm. Incensed, The Final Boss rolls away from a second kick attempt, and springs to his feet.
Phillips: Shouldn’t have gone after the arm – if the Sniper defence taught us nothing, it’s that Sainovic is a kinder, gentler champion... but if he thinks you’re taking liberties he’ll mess you up.
Magnus: It’s his opponent’s fault he’s hurt? Screw that. If he’s so worried about his arm, Zoran should vacate the title – though I guess signing a match with Kanyon has rendered that pointless.
CDK again tries to pull Zoran into a scoop slam, only to be knocked off with a VICIOUS knife edge chop. Two can play at that game! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! The audience start counting along with the exchange. Knife Edge Chop! 6! Knife Edge Chop! 7! Knife Edge Chop! 8! Knife Edge Chop! 9! Knife Edge Chop! 10! Knife Edge Chop! 11! Knife Edge Chop! 12! Knife Edge Chop! 13! Knife Edge Chop! 14! Knife Edge Chop! 15! Knife Edge Chop! 16! Knife Edge Chop! 17! Knife Edge Chop! 18! Knife Edge Chop! 19! Knife Edge Chop! 20! Knife Edge Chop! 21! Knife Edge Chop! 22!
Magnus: I honestly didn’t think they could count that high.
Phillips: Everything’s eighteen in my book.
Magnus: Motherf-
Knife Edge Chop! 23! Knife Edge Chop! 24! Knife Edge Chop! 25! Knife Edge Chop! 26! Knife Edge Chop! 27! Knife Edge Chop! 28! Knife Edge Chop! 29! Knife Edge Chop! 30! Kanyon’s response ends up nicking the pulped left arm strapped to Zoran’s chest. This shocks Sainovic enough that he’s slow on the response, prompting Kanyon to take over with a singular flourish of his own chops. 31! 32! 33! 34! 35! All seem to catch the chest, but just enough of the cast to cause agony. Sainovic tries to put on a brave face, absorb the punishment – but the occasional flinch gives it away. As Zoran begins to fade, Curtis can’t help but teasingly mimic the struggle. Incensed, Sainovic back steps away from the next chop – and fires off a forearm smash to Kanyon’s throat. The smile soon turns to a gasp, as the former president struggles to breathe.
Phillips: Both men have made their careers, as much on politics as athletics – so it’s little surprise we’re seeing this degree of posturing between the two...
Magnus: I know who has my vote.
Phillips: The one turning blue?
A second forearm shot to the Adam’s apple is mean spirited enough to send Kanyon slumping back into the ropes. Still choking, CDK has the presence of mind to bounce off with a headbutt. It opens the stitches above Sainovic’s right eye – but other than drawing blood, doesn’t phase the X*Crown holder who answers it with a spinning heel kick. Knocking Curtis down, Zoran starts to deliberately stomp on the base of the larger man’s skull – payback for the arm shots. Still coughing, Curtis covers up as best he can – but Zoran works his way around large arms to hit the same spot, over and over again. Equally irked, CDK fights his way back up-
Phillips: BANG attempt misses!
Magnus: Kanyon wasn’t trying to hit it, he just wanted to get up – and if Zoran hadn’t made space, that would have ended it.
Holding the back of his head in pain, and angry former president completely ignores a series of rapid fire rights, refusing to acknowledge the damage. This just causes Sainovic to dig in harder, with stiffer and stiffer shots. Welts begin forming on Kanyon’s torso, but he still refuses to sell them. As Sainovic lines up the throat again, Curtis explodes with a bionic elbow that further opens the eye – and strikes with enough force that Zoran goes weak in the knees. Still standing. So CDK fires off a hellacious closeline that knocks the former commissioner into the ropes. Coming up behind, Kanyon starts to go for a belly-to-back suplex, but Sainovic puts the breaks on. Instead, Curtis transitions into a waistlock – but Zoran elbows out of it. Kanyon starts to go for another closeline, but Sainovic hooks the wrist – turning it into an Irish whip – only for Kanyon to reverse it. Zoran hits the corner hard, and staggers out into a...
Magnus: Only one arm is wrapped up, but it’s essentially a double underhook piledriver!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Big kickout, but that’s the first pin of a match that has already been insanely brutal!
Magnus: And Curtis pushing the advantage with a Gorilla Press Slam! And another cover-
ONE!
TWO!
The crowd start reacting. Magnus is quick to yell “NEW CHAMP, NEW CHAMP!” but their attention is on the entrance way, where Spike Kane has taken an interest in the action. In the ring, Sainovic has once again gotten his foot in the ropes at two. Back on his feet, CDK watches as Spike heads down to ringside. Whether this heightens tensions is unclear, but the ex-president starts kicking away at Sainovic’s injured left arm.
Phillips: What is HE doing here?
Magnus: Along with Steve, Spike is the only other person to actually beat Zoran in the past year. I’m sure he’s just here to give his friend pointers.
Phillips: He seems more like a distraction.
Magnus: Not at all – just keeping the tradition alive, BANG over Sainovic!
Seeing Spike at ringside, and still a little sore about that wizard bullshit – a furious Zoran starts ignoring the shots to his injured arm, joining Kanyon in NO SELL city. Who will be the mayor of this fabled land of questionable psychology? CDK hits a few more stiff elbows, mostly threatening to shatter the cast on Sainovic’s arm – but The Final Boss continues to ignore the offence. Another right hook, but again Zoran absorbs it and hits a PRESSURE POINT of his own. The shotei variation knocks the bigger man down. It is only when Kanyon’s back is too him, that Sainovic looks ready to cry over the arm shots. Never show weakness.
Phillips: Sainovic looking right at Spike, as he hits Kanyon with a- what is that move called?
Magnus: I don’t care.
Phillips: Well he NAILED it, and there’s the cover-
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Big kickout! It’s going to take more than that to-
Phillips: KARMA BREAKER!
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Fistful of ropes!
Phillips: Zoran using his legs to pry Kanyon off the ropes, and pulls him into a triangle choke!
Referee Luke Langley asks if Kanyon submits? The response is less than polite. Realizing that he might one day need this man’s vote, Kanyon musters a more civil “no” on the next request. As Zoran applies more pressure with the hold, he keeps looking over at Spike – losing ring position to avoid going near the other bro. In this distracted state, Zoran leaves himself open for Kanyon to muscle through – fighting his way back up, before turning the choke into a makeshift-
Phillips: POWERBOMB!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-kickout!
The crowd are on their feet again – this time, Steve Awesome makes his way out of the back to watch the action.
Phillips: SITOUT PILEDRIVER!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Magnus: Damn it.
Phillips: Sainovic again managing to get a foot on the ropes, and WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
Magnus: Like Spike, Steve is just down here waiting to celebrate Kanyon’s X*Crown win. No one wants Kanyon to win more than Steve does!
Phillips: After what we saw earlier in the show, I doubt that highly.
Magnus: How can a man accused of being a sexual predator as often as you are, Tom, be so jaded?
Kanyon is equally taken aback by Steve’s presence. Lifting Zoran up to his feet, the former president shoots him into the ropes, setting up a Vicious Spiral-
Phillips: VICIOUS SPIRA- Sainovic counters it with a Scorpion kick! That stuns him, and THE HARVESTER – but Kanyon doesn’t go down!
Magnus: It’s going to take more than that to-
Phillips: Sainovic going for the BOSS RUSH- the crowd on the edge of their seats HERE HE COMES-
The Final Boss runs into the ropes, only for Spike to accidentally get his arm under bottom rung – tripping the X*Crown champion.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: THE BANG!
The former president gores the former commissioner so hard that it shatters his cast.
Magnus: Hook of the leg, and there’s the cover- ref- REF!
Having caught Spike’s trip attempt, referee Luke Langley is on the ropes – ignorant to the cover as he tells Spike off. The crowd are on fire.
Magnus: Kanyon has the title won, but the referee out of position!
Phillips: Who’s fault is that?
Magnus: Spike is just trying to help-
Phillips: HERE COMES EL COMBATIANTE!
Magnus: Perhaps to hit Zoran while the referee has his back turned...
Phillips: That isn’t something El Combatiante would do...
Arriving at ringside, EC starts telling Spike to leave the match one on one. Inside it looks like Steve is going to slide under the ropes to mess Zoran up, but Kanyon says something HARSH to him that keeps him out. Langley finally turns to administer the pin...
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Magnus: Damn it! So close.
Phillips: Foot in the ropes, and it's a shame that Spike felt the need to get involved, because this has been shaping up to be a great war of wills between the two XHF statesmen.
Applying a bearhug, Kanyon hoists Sainovic back up to his feet. He then starts to transition it into a makeshift underhook – pulling the broken arm out of the sling, to double underhook for a-
Phillips: THE WORLD BREAKER!!!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: NO, ZORAN TURNS IT INTO A BACKDROP!
Magnus: Kanyon right back up like it was noth-
Phillips: GUNS FC SPECIAL!!!!
The massive kneestrike catches Kanyon on the temple, causing his eyes to roll back – as he’s knocked out. Zoran jumps on top for the cover-
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: THERE’S THE COVER- Spike up on the apron!
Much like the BANG, there is a clear three count – but instead of having the pin acknowledged, referee Luke Langley is busy admonishing Spike Kane on the apron. Zoran rises to his feet, more than ready to get involved. The main advocate for fair play, El Combatiante – pulls at his friend’s feet, yanking Spike off the apron. As Spike and EC argue on the floor, Luke Langley returns to the match at hand-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
...The referee turning just as Steve Awesome BRAINS Zoran Sainovic from behind with Kanyon’s sledgehammer.
DING! DING! DING!
The ring bell wakes Kanyon, just in time for the former president to hear...
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, Zoran Sainovic! HOWEVER, titles cannot be unified without a clear winner, so Curtis D. Kanyon remains your Fireside heavyweight champion!
Magnus: COME ON REF! ZORAN HATES HIS MATCHES ENDING IN DQS!
Phillips: This is a little excessive by those standards, I mean; Zoran’s brains are currently leaking out onto the canvas...
As Kanyon rises to confront Steve, Awesome drops the sledgehammer with an innocent smile. El Combatiante and Spike Kane, who had been arguing out on the floor, continue their tense discourse in the ring.
Magnus: To be fair, we all should have seen this coming. I mean Spike interfering? Steve has a MUCH bigger stake in making Sainovic suffer. Hell Kane was practically teasing him to do it.
Phillips: Steve AND Spike should both be ashamed of themselves. Their involvement didn’t help Curtis as much distract him from the prize, and the ultimately ended up ruining what was shaping up to be an XHF classic.
As Zoran Sainovic death spasms in between spurts of grey matter, the BANG Bros argue above his corpse.
Steve assures Curtis that HE was just trying to help. Curtis shoots back that help like THIS he doesn’t need. El Combatiante tries to play peacemaker, but Spike is fed-up with his self-righteous attitude and unleashes a stream of curses in Spanish. Responding to the hostility between the other two, Steve lets it be known in no uncertain terms that when it comes to one on one encounters, he’s the only one who can beat the Boss – and Kanyon should be thanking his lucky-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: KANYON JUST DECKED AWESOME!
Magnus: And Spike uses it as an excuse to do the same to Combatiante – who responds.
Phillips: All four BANG Bros brawling away-
Flashbulbs go off throughout the arena as the most dominant stable in the XHF’s modern era completely implodes. Despite the gruelling match, Kanyon uses his size to get the better of his exchange with Steve peppering away right hands. As Steve slumps against the ropes, Kanyon turns to try to break up Spike and EC.
Magnus: Kanyon trying to reason with-
Phillips: STEVE AWESOME FROM BEHIND CATCHES HIM IN THE BACK WITH THAT SLEDGE HAMMER!
Kanyon drops to his knees. El Combatiante tries to pull himself away from Spike to check on the former president, only to take a sledgehammer shot to the midsection. Steve then turns his rage to Spike, swinging high. A hell portal takes Spike Kane out of harm’s way, letting him land a good fifteen feet from the ring – even as he stares daggers at the Face of the Franchise.
Muttering something about dealing with Spike later, Steve turns the sledgehammer back to Kanyon and EC – lining it up like a baseball bat for Kanyon’s face-
“GET OVER HERE!”
A chain shoots through the air, wrapping around the hammer before it can follow through. A flick of the wrist yanks the deadly weapon out of Steve’s hands. Lying in a puddle of blood on the canvas, Zoran is apparently still sporting Mortal Kombat moves with his one good arm. As Kanyon and EC rise, a weaponless Steve hits the floor.
Phillips: The Bang Brawl is really starting to heat up-
On one side of ringside Spike Kane is in a murderous mood, while on the other Steve Awesome mutters a stream of obscenities. Slowly getting up from their wounds, Kanyon and El Combatiante stare down at their former comrades. The crowd popping hard as Zoran Sainovic stands with them. The two men look uncomfortable, but the focus soon turns to looks of contempt against their real friends.
Phillips: ...And when it comes to the Civil Wargames, it looks like Team Kanyon has just recruited another member!
Magnus: That’s awful! Well, I know who I’m rooting for – give ‘em HELL, Spike!
Phillips: We just watched Kanyon and Sainovic beat the TAR out of each other, can they really work together?
Magnus: Hate makes for strange bedfellows.
Phillips: This concludes our Black Friday special, from the GUNS family to yours – here’s hoping you fans had a wonderful Thanksgiving-
Magnus: Buy some merch!
A final tableau teases the Bang Brawl before fading to black.
El Rey: Am I on the list?
O.B.R.C: Name?
El Rey: El Rey. Former X*Crown Champion. Son of founder Venom.
O.B.R.C: None of those names are on the list. Terminating this conversation.
El Rey: Whoa whoa! No need to terminate anything. I’ve learned my lesson with Artificial Intelligence last time. I’ll buy a ticket.
El Rey throws up a peace sign to the generic robot and walks away.
BOOM! BANG! POW!
We open on another Gun Show to a mixed crowd. Half seem to be high on Black Friday riot shopping while half seem to be dealing with the aftermath of too much Turkey. Even still the crowd is loud and we see signs such as “I killed a man for a TV today,” “Zoran’s faking it,” and “Does Nelly Still Work Here.” After the pan around the crowd we cut to Tom Phillips and Magnus at ring side.
Phillips: We’ve got a huge show planned for you all tonight.
Magnus: That’s right. Fresh off of the inferior Veteran’s Day broadcast run by Zoran we have a stacked card that will surely make you forget Johnny Sniper ever appeared on a GUNS broadcast.
Phillips: Now now, he put up a good fight, and I got a solid look at his wife’s cans.
Magnus: Did you just admit to looking at a Sniper’s wife’s cans on television?
Philips: Fix that in post.
Magnus: No. first up we continue the gauntlet for the new GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship. Already in the ring is Christopher Velez.
Chris paces around as “Wolves” by Big Sean begins to play. The spotlight hits the entranceway, but no El Rey to be found. Instead we hear a buzz from the crowd as El Rey is pushing his way through the aisles from his seat location. He hops the rail and heads into the ring and Velez calls for a mic.
Chris: This is who is to be champ huh? You’re the chosen prodigal son? I was hand picked by Ryan to replace Charlie Velez. Meanwhile you are here because of nepotism. It’s bullshit and I’m going to prove it right now.
El Rey stands across from his cousin and laughs before calling for a mic of his own.
El Rey: Hand picked by Ryan. What a joke. You weren’t hand picked, you were the only available option to a drug addict who needed to make money off of his old name. Meanwhile, I was chosen to be next in line. Not just by my dad, but by the same person you “replaced” in as Ryan’s partner. And you can’t talk about nepotism, you were Ryan’s cousin!
The younger El Rey walks into the face of his older cousin and gets so close they can feel each other’s breath as he continues.
El Rey: You’re just jealous cousin. Jealous because you’ve been in this business for a decade and I already have accomplished more than you ever will. Ring the bell.
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet Match
Christopher Velez vs El Rey
When the ref turns to call for the bell El Rey swiftly kicks his cousin Chris in the balls and drops him with a DDT. He quickly covers as the ref turns back around 1…2…Velez kicks out. El Rey quickly gets up to his feet and stands over his fallen cousin who lays prone on his stomach. El Rey kicks at Christopher’s head softly and yells.
El Rey: You think you could do what I do?
He kicks at him again.
El Rey: You’re nothing. You were picked by a drug addict. I was picked by the best in the world.
Again he kicks away at his fallen cousin.
El Rey: You’re pathetic.
El Rey goes for another kick, but Christopher catches his leg. El Rey hops around in one leg as Christopher pulls himself up with his grip locked on El Rey’s leg. Christopher looks his cousin right in the eyes before delivering a dragon screw leg whip. El Rey hits the mat and grabs his leg in pain and quickly rolls to the outside to escape his foe. In the ring Christopher runs and bounces off the ropes and flies through the ropes and nails El Rey with a tope driving him back into the ring barrier.
Magnus: The elder cousin has turned the tables and really got the crowd behind him.
Phillips: Yes he has, and he helped me notice a good looking lady on that side of the ring.
Christopher pops up to a pop from the crowd, but is quickly ready to get back to business as he lands a stiff chop to the chest of the former X*Crown Champion to “woo’s” from the crowd. He follows with a second, and a third causing El Rey’s chest to brighten. The crowd chants “one more time” and Christopher obliges. El Rey screams out in pain and stumbles off the ring barrier into his cousin. Velez then grabs him by the wrist and whips him towards the ring steps, but at the last second El Rey leaps up onto the stairs and in one swift motion back flips off catching Christopher’s head as he does driving him down with a reverse DDT completing one of the many E-Ratio variations.
Magnus: That was V-Nominal.
Phillips: He calls it something else when he does it.
Magnus: That’s stupid.
El Rey slowly gets to his feet and slides back in the ring at 5 in the ref’s 10 count. As he uses the ropes to pull himself up El Rey encourages the ref to speed up the count. 6…Christopher is rolling around on the floor. 7…He begins to pull himself up using the ring barrier. 8…He shakes his head to get his bearings. 9…He realizes he’s in danger of being counter out and runs and leaps onto the ring apron. The ref stops his count as Velez leans through the ropes to come in, but he doesn’t make it all the way in as El Rey greets him with a kick to the chest. He pulls his body back out, but stays on the ring apron and El Rey quickly follows up grabbing him to suplex him into the ring. El Rey begins to lift his cousin up, but Velez blocks. El Rey tries again, but Velez hooks his leg in the bottom rope. Velez then lifts El Rey up, but mid way El Rey blocks and lands in the apron next to his cousin. The two begin exchanging blows on the apron until Velez blocks a left hand shot from El Rey and quickly lands a cutter on the ring apron! Christopher falls to the outside while El Rey rolls into the ring after the impact. Christopher quickly gets up to his feet and back into the apron. He looks at his prone cousin and motions to the crowd before leaping up and spring boarding off the top rope with a 450 splash. He stays on for the cover, but NO! El Rey kicks out at 2.
Magnus: That’s the closest a Velez has come to winning a match in the history of Guns.
Phillips: Facing one of his family members has really helped him show his full potential.
Christopher slams his hand on the mat to get the crowd clapping. He stands up and pulls his opponent up with him and whips him into the corner. Velez then follows his cousin in with a running knee lift. Velez follows it up with blows to the midsection until the ref breaks it up. Christopher takes a step back, regains his composure, and then charges in at his foe. Velez leaps up for a big splash, but El Rey side steps it. Velez stumbles backwards out of the corner and El Rey quickly moves in, wraps Velez arms across his chest and nails X-ed Out with the bridge. 1…2…3!
Winner and moving on in the gauntlet: El Rey
Magnus: So much for a Velez finally winning in Guns.
Phillips: Yup. Looks like that will have to wait, but who is El Rey going to face next?
As if he heard Phillips El Rey’s dad, owner, and founder Venom. He stands up on the apron with a mic in his hand. Before he can speak, though, his son El Rey has a mic and cuts him off.
El Rey: Alright pops. So who’s next huh? Not many Velez left huh.
El Rey laughs as he looks over to Christopher who is being helped up by the ref.
Venom: You’re right, but I have one more Velez up my sleeve.
El Rey: You really bringing uncle Chuck out of retirement again?
Venom: No. Next episode you’ll be facing Ryan Velez…
El Rey: Dad are you smoking the same stuff uncle Ryan used to. He’s dead.
Venom: …Junior. He’ll be making his wrestling debut and he’d love nothing more than to prove he’s a part of this wrestling family too. Be ready, because you have no idea what he’s bringing.
Phillips: Wow, another Velez!
Magnus: Probably just an illegitimate kid of Ryan’s. Dude spread his seed far and wide.
Phillips: No matter who he is, he’s an unknown that El Rey is going to have to figure it out.
Magnus: We all are in for a surprise, but I’m getting word something is happening in the back.
We cut to the back where Venom is walking back to his office when he’s stopped by roster member and long time XHFer Nelly Angel cuts him off.
Nelly: Sorry to bother you V, but I’ve got a question or two for you.
Venom: I’ve always got time for my favorite interviewer.
Nelly: I’m not here as an interviewer. I haven’t been that in a long time.
Venom: Not according to your contract here.
Nelly: Yeah, that’s Magnus’ doing. You know I’m a wrestler now. I’m a multiple time Junior Heavyweight Champion and I want in this gauntlet. I know you’ve got the next opponent lined up, but I think I should be in the mix.
Venom: I get it Nell. You’ve been wildly underused since you joined Guns, but I promise your time will come. In fact, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but you’re last in line. You’re my Shang Tsung. You got that?
Nelly: Understood V. Thank you.
Magnus: What?!?! V is using MY top interviewer as his top Junior Heavyweight? Why must everyone who works here undermine me?
Phillips: Maybe it’s in the contracts.
Magnus: Shut up. Let's cut to something else. I need a moment.
RECORDED EARLIER
A Burger King stands deserted near the arena. A banner announcing ‘WELCOME GUNS!! ALL YOU CAN EAT ON THE HOUSE!’ is shown in the window but not a soul is seen inside.
The tables are pushed together to hold the food. Whoppers and Chicken fries, Rodeo and Suicide burgers, Frings and BK BLTs are stacked on the tables to a height of at least five feet.
Standing forlornly, The Burger King himself sighs heavily.
The Burger King: WON’T SOMEONE RID ME OF THIS TROUBLESOME FEAST!!!
Four mediaeval knights in chainmail appear, their swords drawn.
Knight: We ride for Canterbury immediately, your highness!
The Burger King: I SAID FEAST!
The knights depart and the Burger King slumps into a booth and starts to sob.
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY!!!!!!
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Magnus: Ah Blobby, you make everything better.
Phillips: Good. Glad we can move on.
Magnus: He made me feel so much better Tom, that I’ve got something to say to this crowd.
Magnus sets his headset down and walks up and into the ring with a mic. He looks around at the crowd who greet the show runner with a mixed reaction.
Magnus: I guess it’s about time I address the elephant in the room. That elephant is a question the internet message boards keep posing, why. Why would BEEF, a staple of GUNS, cost GUNS a match in the war with CAR. Why would BEEF continue to attack a guy like Redmond Fury who only wants the best for GUNS. Why would Magnus condone all of this? Well guys, I’m going to answer that right here and right now.
Mumbling of excitement overtakes the crowd.
Magnus: But first.
Excitement turns into rage at yet another Magnus bait and switch. Magnus smirks in response.
Magnus: I introduce to you, BEEF.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as BEEF walks out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. BEEF begins to walk down to the ring. The crowd boos the man that has continually assaulted fan favorite Redmond Fury. The beefy star walks to the ring ignoring the jeers and joins Magnus.
Magnus: Now that he’s here, in all his glory, let me answer your questions of why.
Magnus paces a big before continuing.
Magnus: To answer why, I must first pose my own question. Why not?
Magnus lowers the mic and pauses.
Magnus: Who started the fight with CAR and to a lesser extent J-Rok? It wasn’t me. So why would I care about losing a match to the CAR team? I wouldn’t and I didn’t. Why would I care about Redmond Fury? Because he was our Phoenix Champion? He’s also the one who lost it to first the Gobbly Gooker and got us in hot water and then let Dinosaur Bones take it to CAR. Oh yeah, he also did this thing where he took our fake marriage and took HALF of my stuff. So when I saw a chance to get retribution, I dispatched BEEF. And now I make a promise to all of you. The Phoenix Championship WILL return to GUNS, and BEEF will be the one to bring it back.
Magnus drops the mic and taunts the crowd with BEEF. The two exit the ring BEEF heading back to the back and Magnus returns to the desk. Meanwhile, a cloud of smoke suddenly explodes in the centre of the ring. When it clears, a pudgy guy dressed as Nature is clearly rocking the ninja skills.
Funimation Guru K: Anyone like ...Attack on Titan?
Before the crowd can respond, "Hocus Pocus" by Focus BLASTS over the PA system. Out of the back charges a man who makes Fury & Beef look like they don't take steroids. Red and white tassels fly, as this figure rampages down the aisle.
Funimation Guru K: Who doesn't crush on Levi Akerman?
The bodybuilder responds with a snarl, and quickly crushes the Funimation advocate with a power slam. The bell rings.
STREAMING WARS
The Netflix Warrior vs. Funimation Guru K
Warrior follows it up with a standing splash for 1... 2... 3.
Sylvia Starr: Your winner of this... match... The Netflix Warrior!
"Hocus Pocus" plays again as The Netflix Warrior gets off the pancake that was Funimation. Warrior starts violently shaking the ropes.
The Netflix Warrior: ARE. YOU. STILL. WATCHING?
The crowd chant along with the popular catchphrase.
Phillips: Man, I thought Disney's Marty was a shoe-in for best wrestler sponsored by a streaming service, but can anyone stop the Warrior?
Backstage, El Rey is walking with a confident swagger not seen since he lost the X*Crown. Why, a few more wins like tonight's and that robot security guard might even learn his name. It's odd that he requires that validation. Best not to think about it, as nothing can bring El down from this high...
"Great defense champ!"
El Rey: I kno- ep.
Turning, the would be cruiser champion looks like someone walked over his grave as he comes face-to-face with his mentor... and victim.
Zoran Sainovic: I know your schedule is fairly busy with ze title, but I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you...
El Rey nods politely, but is busy looking for an escape route - running scenarios through his head about the best parkour exit to avoid disembowlment. The GUNS Arena needs more windows.
Zoran Sainovic: Look about End of Days...
Christ, here it comes. El Rey nearly faints.
Zoran Sainovic: I'm not like Venom or Tracy... zere is nothing to fear. I'm just happy to see you grow.
El Rey: That... that means a lot.
Zoran Sainovic: I mean it, Rey. When you were in ze UK, in exile, I could see your confidence take a hit. Please know, your X*Crown run was something special... and whenever you want a rematch...
El Rey breaks into a cold sweat.
Zoran Sainovic: You only have to ask, my boy.
Rey nods in understanding, relieved that the two have finally cleared the air.
El Rey: Thanks Zoran, it would be such a thrill wrestling you again............ BUT I'm pretty busy with the Junior heavyweights right now.
Yeah, El Rey knows what time it is... at least for appearance sake. Inside, Rey doesn't trust this shit at all and knows Zoran is just trying to get him to lower his defences before dropping the axe.
Zoran Sainovic: Ze main thing is zat we're cool after what happened at En-
L.A. Wombat: Mister Sainovic! I need that S.O.B. lizard tonight! My kids keep crying for their Mother - I don't know what to tell them. I can't make this right, but at least I can hurt the monster that took her from them!
The burying of hatchets is interrupted by La Authentica, who corners Sainovic in the hallway hoping for revenge. The distraction is all El Rey needs to mount escape plan #761...
Zoran Sainovic: I understand completely 'Bat, and as far as I'm concerned, we should gut zat dracolich in ze middle of ze ring and exume its victims. Unfortunately, seeing Magnus and Venom abuse zeir authority... I relinquished my commissioner title to avoid similar corruption. I still have creative control over my own appearances, and maintain ze office, but when it comes to giving you ze rematch you so richly deserve? Magnus has ze book.
Mentioning the GUNS founder, Zoran thumbs to the far end of the hallway where Magnus is walking with BEEF. Nodding his thanks, Wombat charges off towards the owner.
Zoran Sainovic: So Rey-
Turning back to his protégé, Zoran discovers the youth has disappeared. The Final Boss can't help but think that El Rey is still expecting a painful death. What a shame.
"MAGNUS!"
The camera races down the hall where Wombat is confronting the owner.
L.A. Wombat: I need that bastard, Bones!
Magnus: We all understand your need for revenge, Wombat. I have also had a spouse eaten on XHF programming. But why are you bringing this to me...
L.A. Wombat: Mister Sainovic tells me you're booking again.
Damn it. That's true, but you really shouldn't say it.
Magnus: You're always telling me you want vacations off - so I figured you could spend Black Friday with your fami-
Oh right, the wife's dead. Magnus trails off.
L.A.Wombat: What if she's still alive inside him, like I was with UrsusLa? I have to rescue her!
Magnus: And reclaim our property!
L.A.Wombat: That doesn't really matter to me.
The fool. While Bears are fantastic ecosystems capable of sustaining life for millions of years, a dracolich just renders all it consumes to the void. Ms. Wombat, much like the XHF Gobbledygooker, is long dead.
Magnus: If you want Bones, you're entitled... I was just telling BEEF here the other day, only three GUNS superstars were capable of standing up to the dinosaur brute. BEEF here, the hero of GUNS that is XHF Shockmaster, and our very own Demonic Venom...
At the mention of his possessed alter ego, Wombat turns pale.
Magnus: So if you want to unleash that dastardly monster on the reptile - I'll sign it right now!
The last words he spoke to his late wife, a promise not to be possessed again, echo through Wombat's mind.
L.A.Wombat: I... can't...
Magnus: That's a shame. Because if I let you wrestle him in normal form, I'd probably be on the hook for assisting manslaughter. Or worse... when you reunite with your wife in the monster's stomach - get stuck raising your kids.
L.A.Wombat (absent minded confirmation): Ken is their godfather...
Magnus (nodding): See, more assisted manslaughter...
There is an uncomfortable pause. Magnus misses having a commissioner.
Magnus: Good news - that idiot Zoran failed to properly secure his feed, so no one got to see that touching tribute you made to your wife. SO I'm going to let you have another one tonight...
L.A.Wombat (so depresses he can barely speak): ...thanks...
Looking suicidal, the widower walks off into a dream.
Magnus (to BEEF): Don't these people know I keep office hours?
Not that he has an office. No sooner does Wombat leave frame, then a certain Dread Lord's lumbers into it...
Dinosaur Bones: I WAS PROMISED A HAMBURGER!
This appears to be how the lizard brain interpreted Magnus's boasts of BEEF beating him. A few feet away from the monster, and such bravado melts away.
Magnus: They are in the kraft service area...
Dinosaur Bones: THE COVENANT IS FULFILLED, I BLESS THIS UNION!
With that the hulking dracolich turns, almost decapitating Magnus with a tail strike. As the beast exits, Magnus really hopes they are serving hamburgers in the cafeteria. ...Also he's a little concerned that Dinosaur Bones just officiated a wedding between Magnus and BEEF. He is so over fake marriages.
"Son of a bitch."
Speak of the devil. Two dozen security guards spill into the hallway, desperately trying to keep the Buckeye Bruiser and BEEF from coming to blows.
Redmond Fury: Next time you drop a house on a guy, have the basic decency to leave his shoes!
The Buckeye Bruiser is wrapped up like a Mummy, looking worse for wear from his gang beating, and house demolition.
Redmond Fury: You and me, BEEF, tonight!
Beef: You picked the wrong federation to try to steal, gold digger!
This accusation is met with confusion.
Redmond Fury: The settlement - had nothing to do with money, and EVERYTHING to do with him leaving me to die inside a bear!
Magnus: One you seem particularly chummy with! That homewrecking hairy floozy!
Wait, what is he saying? Magnus is quick to downplay his clear jealousy that Redmond has a better relationship with bears...
Magnus: BEEF will be more than happy to take you out, and protect GUNS!
This last lie fires Beef up, but causes Fury to scowl... recognizing the not so subtle manipulations going on... but being too damn sore to forgive to muscular fool.
Magnus: ...But tonight, you have a tribute match to put on. Unless the memory of Ms. Wombat isn't as important as your petty grievances...
Redmond Fury: .........Fine, Magnus. If that is how you want to play it. I'll be there for a friend, but your hired goon is on borrowed time... and as for you? Given how much of your estate my lawyers took in the settlement, what do you think they're going to do to you for the damages to the house?
Magnus: I'm shaking!
The founder mock shakes his hands, as Fury is escorted by guards back to the dressing room. The moment the hall clears, Magnus drops to his knees, actually shaking.
Magnus: I'll be ruined!
Recognizing the dire financial situation that his last House Death match has placed Magnus in, Beef resolves to save GUNS the only way he knows how. Punching Fury.
Black Friday morning, Best Buy.
Even with the sharp increase in online shopping people still exist who live to shop on Black Friday. This early in the morning everyone is still lined up outside, and among the shopped we find Nelly Angel. Apparently he didn’t get enough of Best Buy last year.
Nelly: This year I just know I won’t have any problems. No one would want what I’ve got in mind for my brother this year. It’s really obscure.
“Oh yeah, what is it?”
Nelly: It’s a…
Nelly turns around to find the one and only Kurt Angle standing behind him in line. He stops mid sentence.
Nelly: Not you again! I’m not telling you. That ruined my Black Friday last year.
Angle: No, you can tell me, I promise. What I’m getting for my totally legit son Jason Jordan.
Nelly: Well…what I’m getting my brother this year is obscure…
Angle: So is mine! No way we picked the same obscure thing right?
Nelly: Yeah, I guess so. Well, okay then. What I’m getting him is the Blu-ray set of Drunk History, or as my Brother calls it, history.
Angle: No.
Nelly: What?
Angle: No. That is exactly what I’m here for.
Nelly: Not again.
In the flick of a second Kurt Angle grabs Nelly and runs him face first into the wall and Nelly falls to the ground and the line starts to move. After a few moments Nelly shakes his head and comes to. Kurt Angle is no where in sight and the line is moving into the Best Buy. He leaps up an rushes in.
Best Buy Brawl II
Kurt Angle vs Nelly Angle
Nelly bursts through the doors and looks around frantically. He grabs the nearest team member and grabs him by the shirt collar. He looks at the name tag and exclaims.
Nelly: Adrien. Where is the Blu-Ray section?
The team member points in fear. Nelly releases his collar, straightens it up for him, and bolts in the direction he was pointed. He dodges through soccer moms and techie dads as they search for the perfect gifts for their family until he reaches the end of the aisle. With one quick look down he sees Kurt Angle at the other end with the Box Set in hand.
Angle: Too slow! And wouldn’t you know it, it’s the last one.
Nelly: That can’t be true!
Angle: Oh it’s true, it’s damn true.
Nelly: I played right into that one.
With a laugh Kurt turns and heads towards the check stands. Nelly let’s out an audible yell of frustration and then steps into action. He quickly climbs to the top of the racking and spots his foe running through the jam-packed aisles. Nelly with his Junior Heavyweight skills leaps from one rack to the next gaining on Angle and avoiding the mobs of people. Over the video game aisle. Across the headphone aisle. He runs along the Cell Phone station and then leaps landing in the back of Kurt Angle right before he can reach the check stands. The Blu-Ray flies out of the hands of Kurt as is tackled to the ground.
Nelly: You’re not getting away with this.
Angle: And neither are you.
Kurt points as the Box Set is picked up near the check stand. The camera follows an arm up to see Magnus. He looks at the Box Set on both sides and shrugs as he heads to the check stand.
This Match is Declared No Contest
Phillips: Wait. You bought that out from under Nelly and Kurt?
Magnus: What can I say, it’s a good series.
Phillips: You’re a jerk.
Magnus: A jerk with the Drunk History box set.
Phillips: Ugh. Let’s move on to the next match. The in ring debut of the Crinkly Bottom Boys.
Magnus: Yay!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring.
The cameras cut to the crowd and in the front-row is the entire Wrexham AFC Soccer team alongside Ryan Reynolds and Rob McIlheny. The CBB’s music is cut.
Sylvia Starr: Please all rise for the Welsh National Anthem.
The crowd stand for the tiny country’s anthem.
Noel Edmonds starts to shake.
Rob McIlheny proudly shows off his Welsh language skills, Ryan Reynolds gives an annoyingly earnest shrug of the shoulders to admit he knows no Welsh whatsoever.
In between verses, a sheep can be heard happily baa’ing away as if rustled or tampered with by a Welshman.
The shaking has now passed, in its place is Edmonds rocking on his haunches on the aisle floor.
As the anthem hits its crescendo, blood starts to pour from the nose and ears of Noel.
Luke Langley calls for the bell.
Tag Team Match
Crinkly Bottom Boys vs The Harsh Winter Pilgrim and Rival Recruiter Osawa
DING! DING! DING!
Langley starts the count…
ONE!
TWO!
Edmonds is talking in tongues even Blobby can’t decipher.
THREE!
FOUR!
Noel’s hands go to his ears as if to try and keep out any remnants of the anthem still echoing in the arena.
SIX!
SEVEN!
The Harsh Winter Pilgrim is talking to Osawa…IN THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING HE’S SHARED A RECIPE FOR AIR FRYER TURKEY!
EIGHT!!
Blobby conflicted, makes a dash for the ring as fast as his legs will take him!
NINE!
He looks to roll under the bottom rope but bounces out because he’s just TOO DAMN BIG TO FIT! Blobby sits on the ringside floor and raises his hands in a ‘what can you do?’ moton.
TEN!
LANGLEY CALLS FOR THE BELL!!
Sylvia Starr: THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH….THE HARSH WINTER PILGRIM AND RIVAL RECRUITER OSAWA!!
EMTs have Edmonds on a stretcher. In-between garbled words and half-sentences we get some actual English out of him.
Noel Edmonds: Made up language! Like someone dropped a Scrabble board! Not even a real country!
Magnus: What the hell was that?
Phillips: That was your prized free agent signing losing to some random people Zoran signed.
We take a break from the action as we fade in on a small laundry nook. A young man is on his hands and knees removing clothes from a front-loading washing machine.
Young Man: 靴下はいつも1つ…
(There is always one sock…)
He decides to go deeper into the washing machine, more-or-less climbing half way in.
Young Man: ハハ！ 私はあなたを見つけました！
(Ah-ha! I found you!)
The man begins to back out….but it appears that he has become stuck. We quickly cut to a living room where a woman is relaxing on the couch. She has her legs stretched out as she watches the television. Next to her is a bottle of Super Sake brand sake, which she has been pouring shots from. Soon though her alone time is interrupted by a yell. She puts down her small cup and makes her way out of the living room to the laundry nook where the young man is.
Young Man: 継母！ 洗濯機に詰まった！
(Step-mother! I got stuck in the washing machine!)
The woman looks at the scene, the young man’s bottom half is the only thing she can see as his entire upper-body has been entrapped by the washing machine. She tries to think but her thinking is soon interrupted by two tiny gaijin (foreigners) on either shoulder. We zoom in on her right (our left) to find Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel. He is wearing a red suit and holding a carton of Super Sake brand sake.
Randy: Lady, I know what you’re thinking. And you know what? You should go for it!
(レディ、私はあなたが何を考えているか知っています。 そして、あなたは何を知っていますか？ あなたはそれのために行くべきです！)
Randy toasts the woman’s face. She looks to her other shoulder where we find Super Sake Presents: Kris “Triple Quake” Quake wearing a white suit. He is holding a plastic bottle of Super Sake brand Sake-to-Go. He pours it on his head and face and then spits it at her.
Quake: Yeah! You go girl!
(うん！ あなたは女の子に行きます！)
The woman looks confused.
Woman: あなたの一人が私にこの行動方針を思いとどまらせるべきではありませんか？
(Shouldn't one of you dissuade me from this course of action?)
Randy: You’ve been drinking a lot of Super Sake- responsibly.
(あなたは責任を持ってスーパー酒をたくさん飲んでいます。)
He’s right, she’s right soused. She tries to shake her head sober, it doesn’t work and our brand ambassadors are still on her shoulder.
Young Man: 継母、そこにいますか？ 動けません！ 私は今とても脆弱だと感じています…
(Step-mother, are you there? I can’t move! I feel so vulnerable right now…)
The woman looks at her step-son and licks her lips. The tiny Quake walks across her shoulder to her ear.
Quake: Go ahead, do it. It’s your turn now.
(どうぞ、やってください。 あなたの番がきました。)
She nods. The camera makes a sharp turn over her shoulder to face the living room again.
Narrator: スーパー酒！ 男性だけじゃない！ 女性、あなたも責任を持ってたくさん飲むことができることをあなたの人生の男性に見せましょう！
(Super Sake! It isn’t just for men! Ladies, let’s show those men in your lives that you too can drink a lot- responsibly!)
Voice: 継母、何をしているの？
(Step-mother, what are you doing?)
The scene fades and we return to GUNS.
MS. WOMBAT TRIBUTE MATCH
Five Courses of Fury
La Authentica Wombat vs. Redmond Fury
Phillips: So this involves five different food based death matches?
Magnus: An XHF classic stipulation. The only variation being that instead of five on five, we have one on one through the five matches. Wombat wanted to make it a classy singles encounter in memory of his late wife, but given how many Thanksgiving leftovers were at my rundown apartment... I insisted on the food theme.
Phillips: Wanted to see your ex roll around in creamed corn?
Magnus: What - no!
Phillips: Been there...
Magnus: Seriously Tom, not everything is kinky-
The first fall involving dressing a caesar salad - the ring has as much lettuce as it does glass and thumbtacks. Mister GUNS looks uncomfortable, not wanting to engage in a death match against his grieving friend - but telling himself that this is just the kind of action that Ms. Wombat lived for, Fury approaches Wombat.
DING! DING! DING!
And they're off-
THE FOLLOWING VARIETY SHOW WAS PAID FOR BY THE NEW DISNEY WORLD ORDER
THE CAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
(The shot fades up on Galaxy’s Edge at Disney World. A crowd, all dressed in bear onesies, are seated around a wrestling ring. The fan’s look bored and depressed, but none attempt to leave. This is because stormtroopers, each with the coat of arms of Serbia painted on their chest plates, keep them all at gunpoint. We once again hear Marty’s bad Jim Ross impersonation.)
Not Jim Ross: Folks, we were planning to broadcast a fabulous holiday special for you. Unfortunately, the planet Carshyyyk has been conquered by the evil empire. Yes, the Beahr Buddies are now enslaved and forced to watch this terrible BLASTERS Wrestling.
(Inside the ring is Dana “The Drone” Daniels. The scrawny jobber wears a black singlet, cape and Kylo Ren helmet. In the other corners of the ring are three GNK droids dressed as Kanyon, Brendan Harding and Cross Recoba.)
Not Jim Ross: Look at that despicable KyZo-Ran. The fake champ has lined up some real tomato cans. This match is going to be Sabacc shoe ugly.
(A bith in a referee shirt calls for the bell. The armless droids wander around uselessly as KyZo pushes them over with ease. Once all three are on the ground the bell is rung.)
Not Jim Ross: Oh, what a real tough guy. Why don’t you take off the restraining bolts next time?
(The theme song from The Mandalorian plays and the crowd jumps to their feet in true excitement. Out walks Marty Donovan wearing mandalorian armor that matches the colors scheme of Flynn Rider from Tangled.)
Not Jim Ross: Man-do! Man-do! Man-do!
( Marty fights his way through wave after wave of stormtroopers with ease. He slides into the ring where KyZo cowers in the corner.)
Not Jim Ross: The great Marty Donovan is liberating us. Business is about to pick up!
(KyZo presses a button on a remote control and the GNK droids stand up. Arms and Dark Trooper helmets emerge from the trash can robots.)
Not Jim Ross: SON OF A BITCH! ACKBAR WAS RIGHT! IT’S A TRAP!
(The four villains rush Marty. He places a hand on the middle rope and takes an incredibly slow bump to the mat. KyZo pulls out a darksaber knife and taunts Marty.)
Not Jim Ross: Does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart? Do you have no soul?
( “Light the Sky on Fire” by Jefferson Starship plays and the crowd roars in approval. A miniature horse dressed to look like Dinosaur Bones walks out. Riding on his back is a child in mandalorian armor painted to match Boba Fett’s first appearance in the holiday special’s cartoon.)
Not Jim Ross: By Gawd, that’s infamous bounty hunter Boba Fettinto!
(Tinto verbally orders the horse to gallop down the ramp, but it doesn’t speak English. He crosses his arms and pouts at being ignored. Ollie Oldham, dressed as Rapunzel dressed as Princess Leia with massive hair buns, walks out and casually leads the miniature horse to the ring at a nice safe pace. Tinto pretends to be on a speeder bike.)
Not Jim Ross: What a rider! Boba is quicker than a hiccup!
(Tinto goes to step off the horse, but gets scared. Ollie hugs him and places the little bounty hunter on the ground. Tinto scurries into the ring and begins kicking the shins of the droids.)
Not Jim Ross: As the maker is my witness, he’s broken those droids in half!
(The three droids fall over and Marty does an HBK kip up. He slaps the blade out of KyZo’s hand and military press slams the jobber to the outside of the ring. Footage of weequay falling into the Sarlacc Pit is edited in.)
Not Jim Ross: Carshyyyk is free! The Beahrood dream has come true!
(A Bea Arthur impersonator dressed as Memaw walks out. They sing "Good Night, But Not Goodbye” from the holiday special as confetti falls. Marty and Ollie slow dance as the crowd cheers. Tinto jumps from the second turnbuckle, trying to get his jetpack to activate.)
Not Jim Ross: Folks, I hope this has inspired you all. Perhaps you can all stand up to an evil wrestling company on your own planet. Maybe it even has a name similar to BLASTERS. It is time to fight for freedom by changing the channel and watching the superior CAR! This is Jim Ross, the ragin’ cajun, signing off.
(Ollie asks Marty to remove his helmet, but he is in character and refuses. She tries to pull it off, but he squirms away. She starts crying and scolding him. The shot fades out on Tinto having a temper tantrum, repeatedly stomping on his fake jetpack.)
The signal finally returns to GUNS just in time for-
Both Redmond Fury and L.A. Wombat are drenched in blood, but Fury still manages to hold Wombat's arm up in victory. It's unclear who actually won, but the crowd clearly thought this was the MATCH OF THE YEAR based on the volume of the "GUNS" chants.
Phillips: And that is the fifth match DONE! I don't believe what I just saw.
Magnus: A strong contender for match of the year - I hate that Fury was in this, because even I have to admit how damned good it was.
Phillips: Nothing like watching your ex roll around in boiling hot gravy to respark the romance.
Magnus: WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER! It was just a really good match.
Phillips: A fitting tribute to Ms. Wombat...
You're starting to really resent Marty for his continued signal harassment. What did Ms. Wombat ever do to him?
We open on a zoom in of Curtis Kanyon to see him putting the finishing touches on painting some sort of mural.
Curtis: That ought to do it!
Curtis runs behind some boxes as the camera pulls out to reveal he was painting a tunnel that looks like it leads to a redwood forest. Next to it is a sign that reads "Salmon this way" with an arrow pointing into the fake tunnel. We then see a time lapse of Curtis waiting, falling asleep, waking up not knowing where he is, then pulling out a lunchpail and eating, then waiting some more. Time slows back to normal speed as Curtis gets excited and hides.
Goldbear II comes into the scene sauntering around on all fours. He sees the sign, looks left. Looks right. He then continues on toward the tunnel. Curtis looks ready to pounce when Goldbear II is vulnerable, but instead, Goldbear II passes through the tunnel!? Curtis looks confused. He charges at the tunnel and his face smacks against the wall. He falls in a heap onto the floor. After a minute, Magnus comes over and nudges at Curtis with his feet.
Curtis: I don’t wanna go to school today Mama, just make Chris turn in my homework.
Magnus: Curtis! Curtis, get up!
Curtis: Wha? Who? I'm okay.
Curtis gets up and dusts himself off.
Magnus: Can you believe some asshole vandalized the backstage area with this sweet painting?
Curtis: Yeah, what a dick. Anyway, I was ready to pounce on Goldbear II, how did he go through?
Magnus: He's a magical creature. Must I remind you again that you cannot fight for the Bear Necessities Title?
Curtis: Not yet! But I'm working on it! I've been taking Rogaine and working on my motorcycle skills. I just have to find the right gay bar. The wife was surprisingly cool with it.
Magnus: Uh… what?
Curtis: It's cool Magnus, if all goes well, I'll be able to challenge for the Bear Necessities Title soon enough!
Curtis walks off as Magnus just stands there looking confused.
Phillips: Well fans it’s the match we’ve been waiting for title against title-
Magnus: And based on our mutual appreciation of BEARS, I’m counting Kanyon as a GUNS wrestler – so even when Zoran finally drops the crown, we don’t even lose anything!
Phillips: It promises to be intense.
Magnus: At every turn this year, BANG has had Sainovic’s number – and I for one can’t wait for this next chapter in his humiliating defeats.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is the MAIN EVENT and is a UNIFICATION match with the Fireside Heavyweight championship on the line against the XHF X*Crown!
The crowd explode in anticipation. A video package shows highlights of various Fireside championship matches – before fading in on a graphic showing the final champion opposite The Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first, the challenger, and FINAL Fireside heavyweight champion! Hailing from Washington, D.C. - he weighs in at 271 pounds and stands at 5’7”! Please give a warm GUNS welcome to...
The Breaker of Worlds
The Archangel
The Real F'n Deal
The People's Champ
The Imitator of Violence
The King of Xtreme
That Former President of the United States...
CURTIS KAAAAANYON!
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30-second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside heavyweight title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He walks down to the ring, nodding to the fans. Curtis then climbs into the ring and goes to the turnbuckles. He climbs a turnbuckle and points to the crowd with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air! He jumps down and gives his hammer to the ref, ready for action.
Phillips: Not us much BANG branding as usual during the former president’s introduction- one has to wonder if the tensions in the group will distract him from the match at hand.
Magnus: Don’t be preposterous. Do you know how long Kanyon waited to win the Fireside title? He’s not going to blow it in his FIRST defence, beyond the honour of the X*Crown, and satisfaction of shutting down Sainovic. This is HIS night!
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, OUR champion... standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. The positive reaction is still a little unnerving, but Sainovic smiles politely – wandering towards the ring in sync to the music with a killer swagger.
Phillips: After everything that you and Venom said about him, I’m surprised that Sainovic didn’t take the X*Crown to a rival federation...
Magnus: What can I say? He’s like a bad penny.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Reaching up with his good hand, Sainovic removes the lapel pin that represents the titles – handing it to referee Luke Langley. Langley holds the pin up to Kanyon, then the Fireside championship to Zoran, before handing both to a waiting attendant. The crowd are at a fever pitch, as Sainovic and Kanyon stare across at each other.
X*CROWN & FIRESIDE CHAMPIONSHIP
UNIFICATION MATCH
Zoran Sainovic (c) vs. Curtis D. Kanyon (c)
DING! DING! DING!
The two men meet in the centre of the ring, where Kanyon teases a test of strength with the arm that Sainovic clearly can’t use. Not amused, Zoran fakes a sucker punch before twisting to slap on a headlock with his working right arm. The significantly larger of the two, Kanyon easily muscles out – firing Sainovic off into the ropes. Zoran rebounds with a shouldertackle, but despite an audible SMACK – Kanyon holds his ground. Happy to reciprocate, the former president runs back into the ropes and returns with a shouldertackle of his own – SMACK. The X*Crown champion starts to stagger, but then powers through to maintain his footing much to the delight of the crowd. They attempt this a few more times, without either being knocked down.
Philips: Neither man willing to give an inch.
Magnus: The simple truth is that in the past few years, the XHF has seen a shift towards cruiserweights. This is as close as you’re going to get to heavyweight action, no high flying from these two – just massive shots.
Kanyon clocks Zoran with a right hook. So Zoran nails Kanyon with a forearm smash. Kanyon responds with a vicious right hook. Which Zoran eats before snapping off a STIFF forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Closed fist. Forearm smash. Left jab. Just kidding, roundhouse right!
Phillips: Their faces turning interesting shades of purple. The last time I saw swelling like that I was lurking in the bushes of a catholic girl sch-
Magnus: Damn it Tom!
This last shot seems to knock Sainovic hard enough that he’s struggling to stand. Seeing the tide turning in his favour, Kanyon makes a joke that isn’t picked up on camera. Not seeing the humour in it, Sainovic shoves into Kanyon’s personal space so that the two men are literally grinding their foreheads into one another – in a continued refusal to give ground. They both then charge back into the ropes, and rebound at one another for another shoulder tackle – with Kanyon finally dropping Sainovic to the canvas. The crowd cheer. Not for spite of the former commissioner, but that the stalemate has been settled.
Phillips: CDK finally getting the Final Boss down to the mat-
Magnus: That’s the thing. Zoran has been teaching himself to wrestle with one arm, and that’s fine, when he has forty pounds on his opponents. He throws his weight around to survive and ruin another show, but in THIS CASE Kanyon has that weight advantage.
Sainovic starts to get up, only for Kanyon to help him into a scoop slam. No sooner does Sainovic hit the canvas, then the former president nails him with a stiff right kick to the wounded left arm. Incensed, The Final Boss rolls away from a second kick attempt, and springs to his feet.
Phillips: Shouldn’t have gone after the arm – if the Sniper defence taught us nothing, it’s that Sainovic is a kinder, gentler champion... but if he thinks you’re taking liberties he’ll mess you up.
Magnus: It’s his opponent’s fault he’s hurt? Screw that. If he’s so worried about his arm, Zoran should vacate the title – though I guess signing a match with Kanyon has rendered that pointless.
CDK again tries to pull Zoran into a scoop slam, only to be knocked off with a VICIOUS knife edge chop. Two can play at that game! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! Knife Edge Chop! The audience start counting along with the exchange. Knife Edge Chop! 6! Knife Edge Chop! 7! Knife Edge Chop! 8! Knife Edge Chop! 9! Knife Edge Chop! 10! Knife Edge Chop! 11! Knife Edge Chop! 12! Knife Edge Chop! 13! Knife Edge Chop! 14! Knife Edge Chop! 15! Knife Edge Chop! 16! Knife Edge Chop! 17! Knife Edge Chop! 18! Knife Edge Chop! 19! Knife Edge Chop! 20! Knife Edge Chop! 21! Knife Edge Chop! 22!
Magnus: I honestly didn’t think they could count that high.
Phillips: Everything’s eighteen in my book.
Magnus: Motherf-
Knife Edge Chop! 23! Knife Edge Chop! 24! Knife Edge Chop! 25! Knife Edge Chop! 26! Knife Edge Chop! 27! Knife Edge Chop! 28! Knife Edge Chop! 29! Knife Edge Chop! 30! Kanyon’s response ends up nicking the pulped left arm strapped to Zoran’s chest. This shocks Sainovic enough that he’s slow on the response, prompting Kanyon to take over with a singular flourish of his own chops. 31! 32! 33! 34! 35! All seem to catch the chest, but just enough of the cast to cause agony. Sainovic tries to put on a brave face, absorb the punishment – but the occasional flinch gives it away. As Zoran begins to fade, Curtis can’t help but teasingly mimic the struggle. Incensed, Sainovic back steps away from the next chop – and fires off a forearm smash to Kanyon’s throat. The smile soon turns to a gasp, as the former president struggles to breathe.
Phillips: Both men have made their careers, as much on politics as athletics – so it’s little surprise we’re seeing this degree of posturing between the two...
Magnus: I know who has my vote.
Phillips: The one turning blue?
A second forearm shot to the Adam’s apple is mean spirited enough to send Kanyon slumping back into the ropes. Still choking, CDK has the presence of mind to bounce off with a headbutt. It opens the stitches above Sainovic’s right eye – but other than drawing blood, doesn’t phase the X*Crown holder who answers it with a spinning heel kick. Knocking Curtis down, Zoran starts to deliberately stomp on the base of the larger man’s skull – payback for the arm shots. Still coughing, Curtis covers up as best he can – but Zoran works his way around large arms to hit the same spot, over and over again. Equally irked, CDK fights his way back up-
Phillips: BANG attempt misses!
Magnus: Kanyon wasn’t trying to hit it, he just wanted to get up – and if Zoran hadn’t made space, that would have ended it.
Holding the back of his head in pain, and angry former president completely ignores a series of rapid fire rights, refusing to acknowledge the damage. This just causes Sainovic to dig in harder, with stiffer and stiffer shots. Welts begin forming on Kanyon’s torso, but he still refuses to sell them. As Sainovic lines up the throat again, Curtis explodes with a bionic elbow that further opens the eye – and strikes with enough force that Zoran goes weak in the knees. Still standing. So CDK fires off a hellacious closeline that knocks the former commissioner into the ropes. Coming up behind, Kanyon starts to go for a belly-to-back suplex, but Sainovic puts the breaks on. Instead, Curtis transitions into a waistlock – but Zoran elbows out of it. Kanyon starts to go for another closeline, but Sainovic hooks the wrist – turning it into an Irish whip – only for Kanyon to reverse it. Zoran hits the corner hard, and staggers out into a...
Magnus: Only one arm is wrapped up, but it’s essentially a double underhook piledriver!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Big kickout, but that’s the first pin of a match that has already been insanely brutal!
Magnus: And Curtis pushing the advantage with a Gorilla Press Slam! And another cover-
ONE!
TWO!
The crowd start reacting. Magnus is quick to yell “NEW CHAMP, NEW CHAMP!” but their attention is on the entrance way, where Spike Kane has taken an interest in the action. In the ring, Sainovic has once again gotten his foot in the ropes at two. Back on his feet, CDK watches as Spike heads down to ringside. Whether this heightens tensions is unclear, but the ex-president starts kicking away at Sainovic’s injured left arm.
Phillips: What is HE doing here?
Magnus: Along with Steve, Spike is the only other person to actually beat Zoran in the past year. I’m sure he’s just here to give his friend pointers.
Phillips: He seems more like a distraction.
Magnus: Not at all – just keeping the tradition alive, BANG over Sainovic!
Seeing Spike at ringside, and still a little sore about that wizard bullshit – a furious Zoran starts ignoring the shots to his injured arm, joining Kanyon in NO SELL city. Who will be the mayor of this fabled land of questionable psychology? CDK hits a few more stiff elbows, mostly threatening to shatter the cast on Sainovic’s arm – but The Final Boss continues to ignore the offence. Another right hook, but again Zoran absorbs it and hits a PRESSURE POINT of his own. The shotei variation knocks the bigger man down. It is only when Kanyon’s back is too him, that Sainovic looks ready to cry over the arm shots. Never show weakness.
Phillips: Sainovic looking right at Spike, as he hits Kanyon with a- what is that move called?
Magnus: I don’t care.
Phillips: Well he NAILED it, and there’s the cover-
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Big kickout! It’s going to take more than that to-
Phillips: KARMA BREAKER!
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Fistful of ropes!
Phillips: Zoran using his legs to pry Kanyon off the ropes, and pulls him into a triangle choke!
Referee Luke Langley asks if Kanyon submits? The response is less than polite. Realizing that he might one day need this man’s vote, Kanyon musters a more civil “no” on the next request. As Zoran applies more pressure with the hold, he keeps looking over at Spike – losing ring position to avoid going near the other bro. In this distracted state, Zoran leaves himself open for Kanyon to muscle through – fighting his way back up, before turning the choke into a makeshift-
Phillips: POWERBOMB!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-kickout!
The crowd are on their feet again – this time, Steve Awesome makes his way out of the back to watch the action.
Phillips: SITOUT PILEDRIVER!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Magnus: Damn it.
Phillips: Sainovic again managing to get a foot on the ropes, and WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
Magnus: Like Spike, Steve is just down here waiting to celebrate Kanyon’s X*Crown win. No one wants Kanyon to win more than Steve does!
Phillips: After what we saw earlier in the show, I doubt that highly.
Magnus: How can a man accused of being a sexual predator as often as you are, Tom, be so jaded?
Kanyon is equally taken aback by Steve’s presence. Lifting Zoran up to his feet, the former president shoots him into the ropes, setting up a Vicious Spiral-
Phillips: VICIOUS SPIRA- Sainovic counters it with a Scorpion kick! That stuns him, and THE HARVESTER – but Kanyon doesn’t go down!
Magnus: It’s going to take more than that to-
Phillips: Sainovic going for the BOSS RUSH- the crowd on the edge of their seats HERE HE COMES-
The Final Boss runs into the ropes, only for Spike to accidentally get his arm under bottom rung – tripping the X*Crown champion.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: THE BANG!
The former president gores the former commissioner so hard that it shatters his cast.
Magnus: Hook of the leg, and there’s the cover- ref- REF!
Having caught Spike’s trip attempt, referee Luke Langley is on the ropes – ignorant to the cover as he tells Spike off. The crowd are on fire.
Magnus: Kanyon has the title won, but the referee out of position!
Phillips: Who’s fault is that?
Magnus: Spike is just trying to help-
Phillips: HERE COMES EL COMBATIANTE!
Magnus: Perhaps to hit Zoran while the referee has his back turned...
Phillips: That isn’t something El Combatiante would do...
Arriving at ringside, EC starts telling Spike to leave the match one on one. Inside it looks like Steve is going to slide under the ropes to mess Zoran up, but Kanyon says something HARSH to him that keeps him out. Langley finally turns to administer the pin...
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Magnus: Damn it! So close.
Phillips: Foot in the ropes, and it's a shame that Spike felt the need to get involved, because this has been shaping up to be a great war of wills between the two XHF statesmen.
Applying a bearhug, Kanyon hoists Sainovic back up to his feet. He then starts to transition it into a makeshift underhook – pulling the broken arm out of the sling, to double underhook for a-
Phillips: THE WORLD BREAKER!!!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: NO, ZORAN TURNS IT INTO A BACKDROP!
Magnus: Kanyon right back up like it was noth-
Phillips: GUNS FC SPECIAL!!!!
The massive kneestrike catches Kanyon on the temple, causing his eyes to roll back – as he’s knocked out. Zoran jumps on top for the cover-
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: THERE’S THE COVER- Spike up on the apron!
Much like the BANG, there is a clear three count – but instead of having the pin acknowledged, referee Luke Langley is busy admonishing Spike Kane on the apron. Zoran rises to his feet, more than ready to get involved. The main advocate for fair play, El Combatiante – pulls at his friend’s feet, yanking Spike off the apron. As Spike and EC argue on the floor, Luke Langley returns to the match at hand-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
...The referee turning just as Steve Awesome BRAINS Zoran Sainovic from behind with Kanyon’s sledgehammer.
DING! DING! DING!
The ring bell wakes Kanyon, just in time for the former president to hear...
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, Zoran Sainovic! HOWEVER, titles cannot be unified without a clear winner, so Curtis D. Kanyon remains your Fireside heavyweight champion!
Magnus: COME ON REF! ZORAN HATES HIS MATCHES ENDING IN DQS!
Phillips: This is a little excessive by those standards, I mean; Zoran’s brains are currently leaking out onto the canvas...
As Kanyon rises to confront Steve, Awesome drops the sledgehammer with an innocent smile. El Combatiante and Spike Kane, who had been arguing out on the floor, continue their tense discourse in the ring.
Magnus: To be fair, we all should have seen this coming. I mean Spike interfering? Steve has a MUCH bigger stake in making Sainovic suffer. Hell Kane was practically teasing him to do it.
Phillips: Steve AND Spike should both be ashamed of themselves. Their involvement didn’t help Curtis as much distract him from the prize, and the ultimately ended up ruining what was shaping up to be an XHF classic.
As Zoran Sainovic death spasms in between spurts of grey matter, the BANG Bros argue above his corpse.
Steve assures Curtis that HE was just trying to help. Curtis shoots back that help like THIS he doesn’t need. El Combatiante tries to play peacemaker, but Spike is fed-up with his self-righteous attitude and unleashes a stream of curses in Spanish. Responding to the hostility between the other two, Steve lets it be known in no uncertain terms that when it comes to one on one encounters, he’s the only one who can beat the Boss – and Kanyon should be thanking his lucky-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: KANYON JUST DECKED AWESOME!
Magnus: And Spike uses it as an excuse to do the same to Combatiante – who responds.
Phillips: All four BANG Bros brawling away-
Flashbulbs go off throughout the arena as the most dominant stable in the XHF’s modern era completely implodes. Despite the gruelling match, Kanyon uses his size to get the better of his exchange with Steve peppering away right hands. As Steve slumps against the ropes, Kanyon turns to try to break up Spike and EC.
Magnus: Kanyon trying to reason with-
Phillips: STEVE AWESOME FROM BEHIND CATCHES HIM IN THE BACK WITH THAT SLEDGE HAMMER!
Kanyon drops to his knees. El Combatiante tries to pull himself away from Spike to check on the former president, only to take a sledgehammer shot to the midsection. Steve then turns his rage to Spike, swinging high. A hell portal takes Spike Kane out of harm’s way, letting him land a good fifteen feet from the ring – even as he stares daggers at the Face of the Franchise.
Muttering something about dealing with Spike later, Steve turns the sledgehammer back to Kanyon and EC – lining it up like a baseball bat for Kanyon’s face-
“GET OVER HERE!”
A chain shoots through the air, wrapping around the hammer before it can follow through. A flick of the wrist yanks the deadly weapon out of Steve’s hands. Lying in a puddle of blood on the canvas, Zoran is apparently still sporting Mortal Kombat moves with his one good arm. As Kanyon and EC rise, a weaponless Steve hits the floor.
Phillips: The Bang Brawl is really starting to heat up-
On one side of ringside Spike Kane is in a murderous mood, while on the other Steve Awesome mutters a stream of obscenities. Slowly getting up from their wounds, Kanyon and El Combatiante stare down at their former comrades. The crowd popping hard as Zoran Sainovic stands with them. The two men look uncomfortable, but the focus soon turns to looks of contempt against their real friends.
Phillips: ...And when it comes to the Civil Wargames, it looks like Team Kanyon has just recruited another member!
Magnus: That’s awful! Well, I know who I’m rooting for – give ‘em HELL, Spike!
Phillips: We just watched Kanyon and Sainovic beat the TAR out of each other, can they really work together?
Magnus: Hate makes for strange bedfellows.
Phillips: This concludes our Black Friday special, from the GUNS family to yours – here’s hoping you fans had a wonderful Thanksgiving-
Magnus: Buy some merch!
A final tableau teases the Bang Brawl before fading to black.
