Presenting Bang Brawl!!!!!!!!
Dec 11, 2022 5:01:32 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom 🕷, and 4 more like this
Post by Steve Awesome on Dec 11, 2022 5:01:32 GMT -5
11:30am
Outside the Bang Bro Arena
Fade into the back dock area of the arena. It’s early. There were no fans or employees there yet. Even the giant trucks that carry the ring and set have yet to arrive.
They all have protest signs and are walking back and forth.
TRONS: “NO TO BRAWL! SAVE US ALL!! NO TO BRAWL! SAVE US ALL!”
Brent Sampson looks around and sees no one else in the parking lot.
Brent Sampson: Umm guys, what are you doing?
Saber-Tron: We are protesting this dastardly show! We’ve already explained that there is an insurmountable EVIL that will happen if CIVIL WARGAMES happens! If we can stop Bang Brawl then maybe we can stop Oh Violent Night 3!
Brent Sampson: What do you mean? Like you are afraid someone is going to get badly injured in the match?
Nano-Tron: No!
He speaks it out phonetically.
Nano-Tron: In-sur-Mount-able e-VIL!
Mini-Tron: An evil too great to overcome!
Brent just stared at them all in confusion. Shogun-Tron pats Brent on the shoulder to try and ease the tension.
Shogun-Tron: Fear not. All you need to know is that we are doing what is best for THE FUTURE. We are on the side of good. We must protest Bang Brawl!
Saber-Tron: And what a spectacular protest it’s been. No one has dared to cross our picket line. If we continue at this pace, we will have THE FUTURE saved in no time.
Brent checked his watch. Eleven forty.
Brent Sampson: Well just to let you guys know. This arena is sold out tonight. But those fans aren’t going to start arriving until way later.
Saber-Tron: Once they realize they have the chance to turn down this blood thirsty event. The common citizen is intelligent enough to do what’s right for THE FUTURE.
Everyone stares at each other awkwardly for a few moments.
Saber-Tron: We better start the Pickett circle now, Trons.
Some robots sounds happen and the Trons start protesting in a circle again. Brent shakes his head.
Brent Sampson: “You are wasting your time. Bang Brawl is sold out! People have come for miles to see the bros fight. What happens to this so called insurmountable evil if everyone walks right by your picket circle and comes in and enjoys the show?”
Saber-Tron stares at Sampson as he circles around.
Saber-Tron: Then may god…
He circles around and comes back.
Saber-Tron:…..have mercy…..
Saber goes around again.
Saber-Tron: ….on our Souls…..
Brent Sampson: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!! WELCOME TOOOOOOO BAAAAANNNNNG BAWWWLLLLLL!”
The pyros shoot off in all directions and the fans are on their feet! People were pumping their signs up and down!
“We Love Team Kanyon!”
“Give me the Pillars or give me Death!”
“I Slept with the Awesome Bastards and all I got was this sign. (And herpes)”
“EC IS THE SWEET ONE!😘
“INSURMOUNTABLE EVIL!”
Brent Sampson: Hello everyone I’m Brent Sampson and this is my broadcast partner, MAGNUS! Magnus why in the hell are you here?
Magnus: Because I was here last time! And nobody around here checked any of the contracts!
Brent Sampson: Touche! Well let’s get to it man! We got three, count them, THREE huge main events anywhere in the world.
Magnus: That’s right! The Bros are gonna Brawl! Tonight is all about gaining advantage. Advantage inside CIVIL WARGAMES!
Brent Sampson: Each team is looking to get two wins here tonight. The one that does will be the one to have the numbers advantage going into CIVIL WARGAMES! And we all know how important that is, MAGNUS!
Magnus: So important! Let’s get down to the first match up!
"CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
Strobe lights begin to flash wildly as Spike Kane and PRICE step through the smoke.
“Bombs dropping on the runway, the oceans overflow
I know for certain, one day I'll see you down below
I'll find some solace someday, and you'll reap what you sow
I'll see you Bloody Sunday (so you can break my soul)”
The two men begin to slowly make their way down the ramp, taking in the pop from the crowd and their opponents in the ring.
“No one can save you, no one can save you
The chaos awaits you!”
When they reach the ring they split up and each pick a side, before climbing up onto the ring apron and up onto the turnbuckle.
“I can't see tomorrow 'cause I might die today
I sing this sorrow with a smile on my face
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't see tomorrow, are we dead or alive?
When the blind lead the blind in the”
The lights begin to flash wildly again as both men climb down off the turnbuckle and meet in the middle crossing their arms into an X across their chests and bumping fists together as they do.
“CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
The blind lead the blind in the-
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
The music fades as the lights return to normal
Sampson: Two of the four pillars out here tonight.
Magnus: Spike is a friend of Guns so I’m obviously on their side.
Sampson: Aren’t we supposed to be impartial?
Magnus: Maybe you need to be.
The opening of the TuPac’s “To Live and Die in LA” hits the pa system and El Combatiente follows his manager Javier onto the stage. They look around soaking up there surrounding until El Combatiente breaks into a full sprint for the ring and slides in. Javier slowly walks to ringside and takes his position at ringside as El Combatiente stretches in the ring preparing for his match to begin.
Sampson: El Combatiente may not have the storied history of PRICE, but he’s absolutely a force and could pull out a win.
Magnus: I don’t know a lot about this guy except he used to be Venom. I know it’s not him though because I’ve never once heard him tell someone there mother sucks dicks in hell like he does when he has possessed Wombat.
Sampson: They don’t think he’s possessed by Venom, though. They think he is him under the mask.
Magnus: I’ve heard it both ways.
PRICE vs El Combatiente
With both men in the ring and Spike and Javier positioned outside the ref calls for the bell. The two competitors circle each other waiting for the right moment to strike. PRICE sees opportunity and moves in, but as he goes to grab the smaller El Combatiente speed comes into play as EC strikes first with an arm drag. PRICE is right back up to his feet and moves in again, only to walk right into another arm drag. PRICE slams the mat in frustration and gets up slowly keeping an eye on his speedy foe as he does so. PRICE plays it cool, and then runs trying to catch EC by surprise, but EC sends him over with another arm drag. PRICE gets back up again and takes a long look at his partner Spike for guidance on the outside before turning back to his opponent. He moves in one more time, but this time he step fakes and when EC grabs for the arm PRICE pokes him in the eye with a thumb and then drops EC with a DDT.
Magnus: Veteran move by PRICE. You love to see it.
Sampson: PRICE has been around long enough and is never afraid to do what it takes to win. That’s on full display here. El Combatiente may have caught him off guard taking him to Arm Drag City, but the veteran is too smart to fall for it that many times.
The ref gets in PRICE’s face warning him for the illegal poke, but PRICE just shrugs it off. EC slowly gets up using the ropes with one arm and holding his eye with the other. PRICE takes this opportunity to run and clothesline the half-blind EC over the top ropes to the outside. PRICE calmly drops to the mat and rolls out after him. EC gets up using the ring barrier and turns back to find PRICE stalking him. PRICE swings with a right, but EC blocks and grabs the arm, but before he can counter PRICE stops any attempt with a knee lift to the stomach doubling the masked man over. PRICE pulls him back upright and looks around at the crowd before delivering a loud chop to EC’s chest. PRICE smirks at the people in the front row as they cringe from the sound and delivers another, and another, and another. The masked man’s chest is turning bright red from the strikes when PRICE decides to change it up and pulls EC away from the ring barrier. He delivers a few forearms to EC before grabbing him and whipping him hard into the far ring barrier. EC hits with a loud crash and screams out in pain, but PRICE isn’t done as he runs in and follows it up with a big boot that nearly takes EC’s head off.
Sampson: Oh lord! He just kicked his head right out of the arena.
Magnus: How do you say whiplash in Spanish because that’s what the doctor is going to tell him caused that pain tomorrow.
EC falls into a sitting position after the blow and PRICE takes this moment to taunt the crowd. The crowd responds with boos as the fan favorite lays prone. PRICE soaks in the jeers before pulling EC back up by the arm and whipping him across to the other side and another loud crash against the ring barrier. PRICE again follows up with a big boot that rocks EC, but this time he doesn’t let up. He again grabs EC, by the arm and whips him, but this time EC leaps before hitting the ring barrier and lands on a chair where a fan was sitting before diving out of the way. EC quickly turns to see PRICE charging, but PRICE sees EC and slams on the breaks stopping short of running into the ring barrier. EC as quick as a hiccup leaps up onto the ring barrier and leaps onto PRICE taking him down with a rana.
Sampson: What athleticism by El Combatiente.
Magnus: It was a great move, but all he’s done is buy himself some time.
PRICE is stunned and EC takes this moment to get out of PRICE’s domain on the outside and slides back in the ring. The ref slowly counts, but PRICE is up and in no danger of getting counted out. He paces slowly for a few moments before sliding in. EC the baby face allows PRICE in freely. Once PRICE is up though EC runs at him. PRICE counters with a big lariat attempt, but EC ducks under and hits the ropes. On rebound PRICE lowers his head for a back body drop, but EC leaps over and again hits the ropes. PRICE turns quickly ready for EC again, but this time EC catches him off guard with a low drop kick to the shin dropping PRICE to one knee. EC follows up with three consecutive kicks to the chest and then drops PRICE on his head with a short DDT. EC goes for the cover, but PRICE quickly powers out.
Magnus: It takes a lot more than that to keep PRICE down.
Sampson: El Combatiente has a lot more in his arsenal.
Magnus: Hopefully he has a Mack truck because that’s what it’ll likely take.
EC scrambles back to his feet after being thrown off by PRICE, and PRICE rolls out of the ring to regain his composure after being caught off guard. Spike comes over to PRICE and the two huddle up as in the ring EC watches on. The two seem to be coming up with some sort of game plan change when EC gets impatient. He bounces off the ropes, leaps up onto the top rope, and Spike and PRICE scatter in opposite directions as EC backflips back into the ring. PRICE stares him down unimpressed as he walks up the ring steps and onto the apron. PRICE calmly steps back in and the two begin to circle again. PRICE moves in and goes to grab EC, but EC ducks under and applies a rear waist lock. EC pulls back for a German suplex, but PRICE puts his weight down to block. Once blocked PRICE performs a standing switch and looks to be ready for his own German suplex, but before he can attempt anything EC falls to the mat and slides under the legs of PRICE moving behind him. This time he doesn’t grab for the waist, but instead pushes PRICE in the back into the ropes. PRICE bounces off and comes back with a swing of the arm for a lariat, but EC ducks and hits the ropes himself. EC charges back and again PRICE has lowered for the back body drop, but this time it’s a fake and as EC begins to leap PRICE quickly gets vertical and catches EC in mid air and slams him to the mat with a spine buster. The ring shakes from the impact and PRICE makes the cover, but EC just kicks out.
Sampson: Huge move by PRICE.
Magnus:Much like with the arm drags earlier he went to the well one too many times and PRICE mad him pay.
Sampson: But the big impact move still wasn’t enough. What’s it going to take to keep the luchadore down?
PRICE is quickly up to his feet and stomps away at his masked opponent making sure he stays down. PRICE, once sure he’s stomped the hell out of EC, reaches down and picks up his opponent. He pelts him with a forearm shot that rocks EC and causes him to stumble back into the corner. PRICE follows him in with another forearm shot, and another for good measure. PRICE then lifts EC up onto the top rope and climbs up as well. He hooks the masked man up, but EC responds with a punch to the stomach. PRICE shakes it off and releases to deliver a punch to the face of EC. PRICE again hooks EC up and lifts him back for a superplex, but in midair EC adjusts and lands on top of PRICE and as they hit the mat EC makes the cover, but PRICE again powers out.
Sampson: Great counter there and almost caught PRICE by surprise.
Magnus: Almost? PRICE hit the mat hard and still easily powered out. It’s going to take a lot more than that.
EC gets up onto all fours after the impact and PRICE quickly up to his feet delivers a quick punt to the ribs. EC screams in pain as he rolls to the ropes. PRICE stalks his opponent as he gets pulls himself up on his feet. Once he’s up PRICE quickly spins him around against the ropes and delivers a huge chop. PRICE then puts EC’s arms in the ropes and ties them in them before delivering another chop. EC again screams in pain. PRICE laughs and then runs across the ring hitting the ropes for momentum, but as he hits the ropes Javier grabs his foot. PRICE turns and begins yelling at Javier and Spike comes around and gets in the managers face and begins yelling as well. While PRICE is distracted EC wiggles free of the ropes and moves behind PRICE and nails him from behind with a back stabber. PRICE is rocked, but quickly gets up holding his back and turns right into EC who rolls him up in a small package for the win.
Winner: El Combatiente
Magnus What?!
Sam:pson: El Combatiente’s offense was one surprise after another and thanks to the distraction this was a surprise PRICE wasn’t ready for.
Magnus: Spike and PRICE are going to kill these two. What a travesty!
Before Spike and PRICE can take their frustrations out on Javier and EC they escape up the ramp to huge cheers from the crowd.
Brent Sampson: And just like that TEAM Kanyon gets the first point in this best of three.
Magnus: You know Curtis is real happy about getting on the board like this. I think if he..wait what the!?
Randy: Word up, bitches?
Magnus: Randy, what are you doing here?
Randy: I'm the voice of the XHF-
Brent Sampson: You have the night off, didn't you get the memo?
Randy: Paperwork? This is BANG.
Brent Sampson: Touche.
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gunmetal grey gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a MASSIVE mixed reaction. The Kanyon camp are obviously happy, the Pillars crowd respect the sadism, while the Awesomephiles still see him as the anti-Christ. The BANG Bros greatest enemy, besides themselves, is decked out in a white Armani suit, sporting a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over wearing the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit.
Randy: What is HE doing here?
Brent Sampson: As a proud member of Team Kanyon, and the XHF champion, it was only natural for Zoran to make an appearance – if for no other reason than to further pour salt in Steve’s wounds.
Magnus: Screw this - I get enough of that monster in GUNS.
Brent Sampson: Where are you headed?
Magnus: Washroom break!
*BUMP*
Randy: Well Zoran is nothing if not a fighting champion-
Brent Sampson: Are you pretending to respect Zoran again, because you have an X*Crown title shot coming up at Raison D'Etre 3 Night 2 and are worried he might literally kill you?
Randy: Noooooooooooooooo.
Brent Sampson: You have an awful poker face.
Randy: Is that Quake? OH MY GOSH! A free oysters and Jägermeister bar? I’ll be back!
Brent Sampson: See what I-
*Bump*
The headset hits the table as Randy runs away.
Brent Sampson: Ladies and gentlemen, my colleague leaving on urgent business. Not bailing because of fear. Possibly getting a last will and testament drawn up.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Standing in the centre of the ring, Zoran raises a microphone with his working arm.
Zoran Sainovic: BANG NATION! It seems like EVERY super card zis year, has been me against your BROS. How I wanted to defend ze X*Crown tonight against one of zem... but unfortunately zey were all spoken for. Now along with training El Combatiante to keep up with ze ultra violence, I am also a proud member of Team Kanyon. If it means another shot at ze Fireside Heavyweight Championship, I’ll see zat former president standing triumphantly on a pile of rotting corpses zat used to be his friends. Now it’s rare for me not to be ze named LEADER, but I can be just as effective in ze shadows – so I see myself as a fixer. Identify possible threats to our team victory, and eliminate zem. For zat reason, I have my eyes fixed on a wild card... and tonight, I’m dealing him out of ze deck. So please understand where I’m coming from when I... BEAT CHARLIE VELEZ TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd lose their shit – they aren’t even mad, they just want to see it.
XHF X*Crown Championship
Zoran Sainovic vs. Charlie Velez
Brent Sampson: Did I hear that right? Given his track record against BANG Bros, the champion may have bitten off more than he can chew – but what a DREAM match!
The lights go off, as spotlights work the crowd into a frenzy!
This reaction changes from cheers to jeers as the heavy strums of a guitar play.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center.
Dylan Black: Nice thought, Zoran – but Velez has a tendency to find loopholes around being beaten to death.
Zoran Sainovic: Zanks for ze warning... but zis leaves me with no opponent.
Dylan Black: That does suck.
Zoran Sainovic: If only zere was another wrestler of my calibre... one zat I had traded wins with, and we desperately needed to have ze rubber band match. Perhaps a highly decorated former X*Crown champion... but where am I going to find such a person?
Dylan Black: Beats the hell out of me.
Crowd: DYLAN BLACK!
Zoran Sainovic: Who?
Crowd: FIGHT DYLAN!
Dylan Black: What are you trying to say?
Despite being the coolest people involved in the Civil War Games, and on different teams, The Super Frenemies seem to be delighting themselves in treating the audience like toddlers. The insipid crowd doesn’t seem to mind.
Dylan Black: I think they… want us to fight each other?
Zoran Sainovic: Why... it’s just so crazy, it might work!
Crowd: YOU’RE WELCOME! WE ARE SUPER BOOKER GENIUSES!
XHF X*Crown Championship
Zoran Sainovic (c) vs. Dylan Black
Brent Sampson: WHAT ARE WE SEEING! TALK ABOUT DREAM MATCHES! THESE TWO STOLE SUPREMACY TWO YEARS BACK, AND TWO MONTHS BACK BURNT DOWN END OF DAYS – BUT ONE ON ONE FOR THE TITLE? THIS IS GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE!
The two men circle around each other.
Then circle some more.
Brent Sampson: Clearly sizing one another up, what incredible competitors.
The circling continues.
They start to lock-up, only to stop and raise their microphones.
Dylan Black: It dawns on me, that this isn’t something we should be doing here.
Zoran Sainovic: Agreed. Do we really want to hurt one another to promote Steve?
Dylan Black: I would rather wrestle Donzig for the 800th time than help Steve.
Zoran Sainovic: Screw zat. We weren’t even invited to headline.
Dylan Black: They should be ashamed of themselves.
Zoran Sainovic: But if we don’t wrestle one another, who can I face to steal ze show?
Dylan Black: If only there was a tag team that held a fluke win over us, that we desperately needed to avenge ourselves over.
The Super Frenemies smile as the set-up concludes, and then turn their attention to a small table that has been set up at ringside. A banner over it reads “Free Oysters And Jägermeister” and behind a few dozen dirty plates, as well as a hundred more shot glasses, Off the Wagon seem blissfully ignorant of their precarious situation.
Zoran Sainovic: A team that we could flay... while proving ze superiority of Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale!
Randy (trying to wash down as many oysters as possible before acknowledging this challenge): Yeah right.
Quake: Blow me Saishū Bosu! We already beat you, we have nothing to prove!
Randy: No way we’d agree to that match-
Zoran Sainovic (producing contract): What if you signed up for it, while zinking you were just agreeing to get free oysters.
Randy (slamming fist on table knocks over a dozen shot glasses): I knew this was too good to be true!
Quake: Damn Oysters! And the worst part is, I’m allergic to shellfish!
Randy: Fine, we may have accidentally agreed to a rematch – but there is nothing saying we have to stick around for it. Enjoy your count out win, chumps!
Dylan Black: You know those bibs you put on to stuff your faces like pigs?
Off the Wagon’s eyes grow three sizes. They look down at the bibs. “Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale #1 - SO GOOD!” They tear off the bibs, hoping that Super Sake executives aren’t watching this accidental advertisement for a rival alcohol beverage. Their eyes bulge out even more at the sight underneath – chains.
Randy: F-
DOUBLE DOG COLLAR REVENGE MATCH
The Super Frenemies vs. Off the Wagon
DING! DING! DING!
Before Randy can finish his curse word, Zoran uses the chain connecting the two men by the neck to yank Angel into the ring. At the same time Dylan Black leaps over the top rope, lands on the apron – then charges along it – diving into Quake with a senton that takes out the makeshift bar. Shot glasses and oyster shells fly through the air.
Brent Sampson: When the Super Frenemies first announced their partnership, I think everyone in the XHF figured it would be a question of weeks before they took the straps from Top of the Class – instead the celebrated pairing were immediately shut down by Off the Wagon in a match that wasn’t even for the J-RoK tag titles! On the July 30th Jam Session – Sabbath Bloody Sabbath - the singles superstars were shut down by the tag specialists – now almost six months later, they reunite for revenge! And what revenge!
Outside the ring, Dylan Black picks up Kris Quake with bodyslam after bodyslam – shattering shell and glass alike.
Brent Sampson: I don’t know which is sharper the jagged oysters or the glass but Kris getting cut to ribbons by Black on the outside!
#THWACK#
Brent Sampson: While inside the ring, Zoran Sainovic is beating the TAR out of Randy with that chain. He may only have one functioning arm, but cracking the chain like a whip – busting Randy open the hard way.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
After the hundredth metal whip to the announcer’s bloody back, Randy’s drunken offence accidentally hits a drop toehold. This doesn’t take Zoran down, but in his current state it does take the champion a second to steady himself. Bloody and battered, Randy staggers back up to his feet – only to be Irish whipped into the corner with enough force that he goes over the top rope. Sainovic holds onto the chain, essentially hanging Randy over the top rope!
Brent Sampson: Following OtW’s victory, Randy has talked enough trash about the normally insanely scary Sainovic as to bring about a persecution complex in the older star, that might have driven Zoran to his third crown. This might be the champion’s way of thanking Randy for the mental health problems – and RANDY IS TURNING BLUE!
Black leaves Quake in a pile of bloody refuse, walking over to grab Randy’s ankles – and pull down harder for a double team choke.
#BUMP#
Brent Sampson: What are you doing here?
Javier: It sounded like you could use a hand, and who better to commentate than the fifth Bang bro?
Brent Sampson: That’s Charlie Velez.
Javier: Sixth.
Brent Sampson: They’re pretty fond of President Obama-
Javier: Do you want me to go?
Brent Sampson: No! That would be much harder, thanks …bro.
When it looks like Randy can’t take any more, Zoran leaps over the top rope – catching Angel on the way down with a bulldog into the glass covered concrete. Even though the Frenemies are clearly the aggressors all four men are bleeding just based on the level of razor sharp plunder strewn about the ringside area. Overcompensating for their lack of tag team experience, Black and Sainovic hit Quake with a double shining wizard.
Javier: A more appropriate name would be the Amazing Amputees.
Brent Sampson: Well Zoran didn’t have the arm issue when they first started teaming-
Javier: With the beating the Wagoneers are taking – maybe Off the Wagon can adopt that amputee moniker after this match?
The crowd count along with chain whips as Black and Sainovic go to town – getting up to 89 before current and former X*Crown champ start to cramp up. Seriously it's a lot of whipping. Off the Wagon are now more scar tissue then men. It might drive them to drink. More so.
Brent Sampson: As a member of Team Kanyon, what do you think of this pairing?
Javier: Obviously we’d be happier if the White Devil was teaming with our FORTH MAN to beat Awesome or Kane allies to death, instead of joining a rival team member. Ideally. But at the end of the day, the white devil is gonna white devil. At least he’s making the fans happy. Kanyon and EC are all about the constituents.
Despite the awkward collars, and obvious handicaps, The Super Frenemies managed to nail a Doomsday Device, which sends Quake crashing into the steel steps. Dylan follows this up, tossing Quake into the guardrail. Zoran returns to whimpering Angel, only to get a fistful of broken oyster shells to the face. Slumping forward, a blinded Sainovic tries to pick pieces of shell out of his face without accidentally scooping his eyeballs out. Randy Angel uses this time to try to unshackle the dog collar so he can escape, then realizing he’s had too much Jägermeister to make that Christmas Miracle a reality, instead decides to hit Zoran with a chair. Seeing triple, he misses. Blaming the weapon instead of his drinking problem, Randy compensates by finding a bigger weapon. Pulling a table out from under the ring.
Brent Sampson: Randy hitting Zoran over the back with a table. Now tossing the table into the ring. Four times a charm! Then throwing Zoran in after it – gets him in on the second throw.
Javier: He’s sobering up!
Brent Sampson: Randy setting up that table, here we go-
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Randy puts Zoran through the table with The Sloshy Shuffle for a two count. Confidence building, Randy goes for a drunken roundhouse right – only for Zoran to throw a fistful of chain in his face. Dylan enters the ring, dragging Quake after him. All four men start brawling away, but Off the Wagon use their superior selling to stagger into position for a double DDT on Dylan. Quake makes the cover, while Randy valiantly puts himself between the cover and Zoran. The pin attempt gets a 2 count, while Randy gets floored with a chain-assisted closeline. While Zoran stomps a hole in Angel, Quake uses the chain to choke Dylan across the mat before trying for another pin – and getting a one count. Bloody from the shellfish to the eyes, Zoran is still picking pieces of oyster and table out of his forehead. A Drought by Quake gets a 2.5 count on Zoran, before he gets a shoulder up. A chain wrapped elbow drop gets 2. Off the Wagon try to unfasten one another’s collars, only for Dylan to slam their heads together with a swinging elbow. A headbutt takes Quake down. Rolling out of the ring, Zoran retrieves a second table while Dylan now goes to town on Randy.
Brent Sampson: Here comes Zoran with a second table, looking to return the favour.
Javier: The White Devil setting the table up while Dylan sets Randy up- here we go-
Brent Sampson: SPIKE PILEDRIVER by the Frenemies on Randy!
Dylan covers Randy for a three count – before the referee notices that the impact of the table left one of Angel’s legs on the rope, so only counts it as two. The Super Frenemies go back to whipping Off the Wagon to bloody pulps. The enthusiasm with which they beat their opponents half to death eventually causes the chains to get tangled. As Zoran attempts to untangle them, Quake gets a chain assisted low blow on Dylan Black – who sells it like that is the one body part Kira hasn’t messed up yet.
Dylan Black: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Quake: RANDY, I’ve found their weak spot! I know how to beat them!
Randy: What is-
Randy gets his teeth loosened by another Zoran shot. Slumping to the canvas, he weeps, curls up in a fetal position and tries to absorb the stomps while getting the question out.
Randy: What is it?
Quake: Apparently they’re susceptible to hitting them in the groins as hard as you can with the chain.
Randy: GENIUS! WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?
Sainovic starts to go for the Interrogation ’22, when Randy rams him in the crotch with the chain.
Zoran Sainovic: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Inspired by this hint of a human weakness, Off the Wagon proceed to hit steel chain low blow after steel chain low blow. If the crowd’s ability to count can be trusted, and it can’t, the number is around 838. It’s funnier, however, to actually write out.
LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW!
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Confident that this flurry of low blows is their best chance to win, but also not quite confident enough to stop hitting low blows for fear the Super Frenemies recover and murder them, Off the Wagon are stuck in a loop. Eventually they decide to hit a frankensteiner on Zoran – who promptly ignores it, and immediately goes back to stiffing the shit out of them.
Brent Sampson: Should have stuck with the low blows-
Javier: Now the Frenemies are twice as angry! I’ve been on the receiving end of that White Devil offence, and seeing what hamburger the Wagoneers have been turned into – I can honestly see, that the White Devil was going easy on me.
Brent Sampson: Weren’t you in hospital for like a week?
Javier: Two.
A double closeline sends Quake crashing out to the floor. Both men hit Randy with a double eye gouge, which is a lot more impressive when you consider how many limbs their working with. Dylan then follows Quake out to the floor, leaving Zoran to put the final nail in Randy’s coffin. Wrapping the chain around Randy’s face, Zoran hits the Redline for a 2.5. Sainovic then locks on the Interrogation ’17 in a way where Randy can’t tap if he wants too. A mouthful of chain even keeps Randy from audibly quitting. Outside the ring, Black and Quake trade punches on the floor.
Brent Sampson: Zoran has that submission hold locked in, but not giving Randy an out – happy to just torture him.
Javier: Well those were a lot of low blows.
Black and Quake graduate to chair shots, swinging steel that has been gifted them from Bros in the crowd. These duelling chairs continue for a while, before Black gets the better of them. Eventually a stiff shot knocks the chair out of Quake’s hands. Black winds up for a big shot when-
#LOW BLOW#
Why mess with what works? As Black doubles over, Quake throws the chair into his head. With Black down, Quake scoops up an unbroken bottle of Jägermeister and staggers into the ring.
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#CRASH#
The Jägermeister explodes against the back of Zoran’s head, which suddenly spurts blood like a lawn sprinkler. Eyes rolling back into his head, Zoran falls over. Quake is quick to roll Randy on top.
Brent Sampson: BOTTLE SHOT FROM HELL, AND THERE IS THE COVER-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Shoulder up.
Javier: He looks like his brains are leaking out on the canvas, and his testicles have swollen to the size of a grapefruit, but its going to take more than that to put the White Devil down.
Who knows what move he was initially going for, but Randy somehow hits a drunken Ganso Bomb into the broken table.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Not only does Zoran kick out, but he immediately stands up. Randy doesn’t have time to cringe before he’s eating a hellacious forearm smash on his way to stiff city. Outside the ring, Dylan is once again in charge keeping Quake busy with brutal chain whips. Inside, Zoran whips away again – then pulls Randy into a-
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Brent Sampson: GUNS FC SPECIAL!!!
Randy Angel is dead.
Javier: Randy is out of it, and The White Devil with the pin-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
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Cross Recoba breaks the pin with a chair.
Brent Sampson: WHAT IS CROSS RECOBA DOING HERE?
Javier: Zoran had him!
Brent Sampson: Cross drops the chair onto the canvas, then pulls Zoran into a-
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Brent Sampson: UP ALL NIGHT IN DAKOTA ONTO THAT CHAIR!!!! AND ROLLS RANDY ON TOP FOR THE COVER-
ONE!
Dylan starts to slide under the ropes.
TWO!
But Quake drags him back with the dog collar.
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
The fans are in shock.
Javier: What did we just see?
Brent Sampson: Randy Angel just pinned Zoran Sainovic! Off the Wagon with their SECOND straight victory against the two legendary X*Crown champions!
Officials are quick to unlock Off the Wagon from their collars, who then crawl away to safety. Dylan enters the ring, standing over a shocked Zoran.
Brent Sampson: A big assist from Cross Recoba. Recoba and Sainovic have issues going back to their AWF and SWAT days, which have recently flared up in HARDKORE WORLD and TAP OUT – bad blood that really runs the gambit of Network federations.
Javier: When the White Devil wakes up, there is going to be a body count.
Brent Sampson: For now Recoba content to celebrate on the ring apron, while security escorts him out.
Bonnie Jenkins: The winners of this match... Randy “Make it a Double” Angel and Kris “Triple” Quake - SUPER SAKE PRESENTS OFF THE WAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!
OTW can't stand, but do celebrate a safe fifty feet from the ring.
Randy: YES! We are the best team ever!
Quake: What is this feeling in my stomach? Is it pride?
Zoran Sainovic (spitting mad): Ze oysters were off.
Quake: Yes, that’s it.
Off the Wagon fall to the ground with a case of food poisoning that would have landed them in the hospital, if they hadn’t also been beaten close to death. So the actual cause of hospitalization is a coin flip.
*BUMP*
Magnus: What did I miss?
Brent Sampson: Randy pinned Zoran.
Magnus: WHAT? NO! How? Damn this prostate! How did I miss that! Worst bathroom break ever.
Brent Sampson: One has to wonder if Randy can pull it off against at Raison D'Eete 3 for the X*Crown!
Magnus: Of course he can!
Brent Sampson: One thing is clear. If Randy teased Zoran into a nervous breakdown after the last loss... this is going to put the boss over the edge.
Zoran Sainovic shakes his head, then turns back - bumping into Dylan Black.
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The crowd are on FIRE, expecting this seemingly non-Civil War tie-in to finally turn up the heat with the Super Frenemies exploding. The two men look like the disappointment of this reality shaking second defeat to OTW is the breaking point.
Brent Sampson: Here we go!
Javier: ROUND 3!
They start to raise their fists.
Only they’re holding microphones.
Dylan Black: You all right, Z?
Zoran Sainovic: You know ze only zing worse zan having your testicles pulverized? Ze sting of losing to zose idiots.
Dylan Black: We should join a support group. There have to be others out there.
The crowd deflate, as Black and Sainovic seem shockingly cool about this loss which on paper is so nonsensical as to be worthy of Kira booking.
Zoran Sainovic: SEE FOLKS, I am going to KILL Cross Recoba on New Year’s Eve – and Off the Wagon are on borrowed FUCKING time. But as mortified, as I am zat I let Dylan here down...
Dylan Black: It doesn’t matter, because-
Both: We’re the Super Frenemies.
Zoran Sainovic: And unlike ze BANG Bros, our relationship isn’t a toxic mess predicated on acting like frat boy douchebags while using Steve to deflect ze entire group actually having sketchy personalities.
Dylan Black: So while we might be on the different teams during the civil war-
Zoran Sainovic: And beat ze ever loving shit out of one another-
Dylan Black: Naturally.
Zoran Sainovic: We aren’t going to let it affect our friendship, or pretend zat it's a big fucking deal zat we’re on different sides. Hell, us being able to wrestle each other will at least give ze audience a match worth watching. We know what’s important-
Dylan Black: Damn straight, no matter what happens in that match-
Zoran Sainovic: ...At least neither of us is on fucking Steve’s team.
Dylan Black: Testify.
Striking their Super Frenemies pose, which might not actually be a pose, but just standing their like they don’t give a fuck – the villains of the Civil War soak in the Bang fan love. A pleasant reminder that even if he's a baby face everywhere else these days, Zoran Sainovic really hates Steve Awesome. Dylan Black isn't too fond of him either.
Brent Sampson: Well how do you like that? A visit from two of the greatest Xcrown Champions there have ever been in Dylan Black and Zoran Sainovic. I can't believe I just called a match where Off the Wagon won! With a little help from CROSS RECOBA!
Magnus: I wouldn't mention it too loud while Zoran is around, Sampson.
Brent Sampson: Great point! Moving along in the Bang Brawl for All tournament. Team Kanyon is up by one but Up next, we have two men who have drifted from bros, to foes.
Magnus: Revered with a scripture list of accolades, both members of the BANG! Bros have found themselves at odds.
Sampson: A fracture in the group that won Call to Arms 2 in June 2021. A year and a half later, we arrive here, at BANG! Brawl to sort out the dysfunction in the BANG family.
Magnus: Both men, former XHF X*Crown champions.
Sampson: That’s two time X*Crown champion Steve Awesome.
Magnus: Gold will play no factor here tonight though. No, this is a quarrel that needs to be settled in the squared-circle.
Sampson: A good ole’ fashion singles match to let these two resolve their transgressions.
Announcer: The following bout is scheduled for ONE FALL! A winner will be decided by pinfall or submission only. There is no time limit and the standard ten count will be in effect.
Magnus: Do you feel that?
Sampson: These fans?
Magnus: Oh yeah. They are hyped!
Announcer: Introducing first, hailing from Detroit, Michigan! He weighed this evening at a lean, movie ready two hundred thirty one pounds and standing six foot two inches! This wrestler asked me to introduce him as not only ‘the Face of the Franchise’, but as ‘Thee Only One That Matters’ and a ‘Blast of Class!’ Yes, ladies love him and gentlemen envy him, I give you — STEVE AWESOME!
All the lights in the arena die out and as this audience of BANG! Bro fandom begin chanting this star’s name. In unison, they begin stomping their feet to the beat of the chants.
Crowd: AWE-SOME!
Other Half: SUCKS!
Crowd: AWE-SOME!
Other Half: SUCKS!
Crowd: AWE-SOME!
Other Half: SUCKS!
Dramatic pause in the music as the arena sings along with the following lyrics.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
♫ Lonely nights and a whole lot of wasted time! ♪
♪ If you see her wont you tell her for me ♪
♪ It's better this way to avoid all the misery ♫
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Announcer: Introducing the opponent! He comes from the distant lands of Belfast, Ireland! Weighing in this evening at two hundred twenty five pounds and standing six foot two inches tall! Known world wide and other places as ‘The God of eXtreme’, ‘the Spawn Satan Exiled’, and a Pillar of Violence! (Pausing as the fans roar with BANG! chants) Ladies and gentlemen, here is — SPIKE KANE!
A black out arena as the lights go out and we hear the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail . Smashing the speakers, it gives the die hard BANG fans a run for it’s money as the faithful army of Spikes minions erupt to the song and sing along. A circle of flames erupts on the stage, illuminating the entrance area as the God of Blood, Spike Kane steps through the fire in casual fashion. Residing in hell until his recent return to the XHF, Spike was unphased by the flames and the camera catches him emerge from the other side, flames roaring behind him, as he makes his way to the ring.
♫ GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!! ♫
Entering the ring, Spike glances at Steve Awesome before turning his back and heads to his corner, stretching his arms on the ropes before turning and walking right to the center of the ring. Awesome meets Spike and the two are less than six inches apart when the referee steps between them and lays down the law. A head nod from both men and they return to their corners.
Spike Kane vs Steve Awesome
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Flipping his hair back as he nonchalantly winks to a woman in the front row, the Face of the Franchise was in rare form tonight. Spike, on the other hand, appears annoyed with his BANG! Brother. Walking towards each other in the center of the ring, the verbal dialogue lasts but two seconds as Awesome says something and is punched square in the jaw by Spike afterwards! Spike took whatever was said personal or had his limit of Steve for the day/year, and continues teeing off on the straight-to-dvd star. Three hard punches send Steve backwards into the ropes, bouncing off them enough to get some momentum and goes for a haymaker but Spike was a step ahead of him, slipping under the swinging arm and delivering a quick snapping neckbreaker to the knee!
Magnus: Groups fight, it’s inevitable. All that testosterone mixed with pure competitive drive, will lead to a scuffle or two.
Sampson: A scuffle? These two have been at each other’s throats. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Steve had an affair or something with Spike’s sister.
Magnus: I can’t confirm nor deny that.
Sampson: Does Spike have a sister?
Magnus: No idea – I’m too busy running things to be researching these guys. What I see is what I call.
Steve rolls away from Spike, clutching his neck as he immediately gets to his feet. Spike waits for Steve to get up. Showing he wasn’t going to attack him from behind, but give Steve the courtesy of their friendship to face him. As Steve turns around, he is met head on by his BANG! Bro, chest-to-chest, nose-to-nose, Spike letting that frustration boil out as more words are exchanged. Steve with an uppercut that staggers Spike by surprise. Launching forward, Steve reaches for the arm, Irish whipping Spike to the other side of the ring! Reverse Irish whip instead by Spike! Snatched up on the rebound, Spike snap powerslams Steve to the mat and goes for a quick cover.
ONE!
T—
Quick kick out by Awesome, followed up with Steve rolling under the bottom rope to the apron. Immediately he hears the referee tell him to get back in the ring or he’ll be counted out. Waving it off, Steve cracks his neck again. Obviously dealing with the aftermath from his recent match against Donzig at REIGN’s show “X’ed Out in Hatley Castle”. The referee’s count continues as Spike comes barreling at Steve with a dropkick through the bottom rope, but it’s not a dropkick after all, as he grabs Steve by the neck on the apron and bulldogs him to the outside floor!
Magnus: Innovative offense by Spike Kane takes this one to the outside!
Sampson: Restarting the count out, and planting the Face of the Franchise on his money maker.
Spike gets up and grabs Steve by the arm, lifting him up to the guard rail where Steve leans against it and pleads his case to Spike. Their history was long together, whether the perfect relationship or not, the BANG! Bros have always found a way to make it work and come out on top. Tonight though, those differences were coming to a head. Spike chops Steve across the chest, sending the crowd into a chant of “BRO!” to be repeated by the audience as the chops continued!
Sampson: We have another unusual crowd chant for a move here.
Magnus: They definitely took the theme tonight to the next level:
Sampson: Spike with an Irish whip of Steve towards the ring post!
Steve reverses and Spike collides forehead first into the steel post! Grabbing the ring skirting he leans on the apron as the blood trickles down his forehead. Steve slides in the ring hearing the referee count ‘Seven’ and hoping for the count out from the looks of it. Spike however was not down, but becoming enraged from the blood he sees drip on the apron. Rolling under the bottom rope, Spike stops the count and is immediately stomped by Steve on entrance. The referee tells him to back up but Steve doesn’t and uses the ropes as leverage as he puts all his weight on the back of Spike’s neck and back. The movie star drops off his former stable member and grabs ahold of the head before showing off with his headstand headlock.
Magnus: What a bold move for Awesome. Embarrassing Spike normally does not end well for the person doing so.
Sampson: Steve knows how to push buttons but that’s what he wants. Throw his opponent off their game plan enough to make a mistake.
Like a cheshire cat his grin grew as Steve dropped from his headstand and applied the headlock from the canvas. Confidence exuding from the Face of the Franchise. As he begins to drag Spike to his feet in the headlock, Steve’s grin goes sour as Spike lifts him up and drops him with a back body drop! Spike is quick to his feet, blood running into his eyes from the corner post hit earlier, and the scowl of disgust for Steve’s antics in this one. Maybe Spike took it as an insult that his former partner was nonchalant with him, that much was purely speculation. Spike catches Steve with a boot to the gut as he rises, snatching him up for Abigail’s Wings!
Magnus: This could be it!
Sampson: No it aint!
Back dropped into the center of the ring by Steve. Spike scrambles to his feet, Steve runs at the ropes and hits a flying forearm on Spike just as he gets up! Steve rolls to the apron and climbs the turnbuckle as he aims for a shot at finishing the match with a high risk maneuver.
Sampson: A pose for those with flash photography by the Face of the Franchise.
Magnus: Always a show boat. Steve truly has only one thing on his mind.
Sampson: Do you blame him? He’s done it all. There is little for Steve to stress about and this only shows that in spades.
That extra second was all it took and Spike had pounced on the opportunity, rushing the turnbuckle to deliver a belly-to-back suplex to Awesome! The thud of the two stars hitting the canvas erupts the crowd as the momentum shifts back to Spike Kane. A crimson face at this point, the God of eXtreme lays there regaining his air after the big move that has Steve Awesome laying feet away, also on his back. The crowd chanting “BANG” as the first sign of life comes from Spike. Reaching his feet, he takes two seconds to decide it’s not going to be a pinfall that wins this, but submission.
Magnus: BURNING HELL FROM SPIKE KANE!
Sampson: The ankle lock that tapped out the devil and let Spike leave hell.
Twisting the ankle from above, Steve tries to roll through but Spike doesn’t let it happen, pinning the back of Steve’s free leg down with a foot and turning the ankle some more! Steve gritting his shiny white teeth before letting out the audible pain from the ankle lock being applied with more pressure. The referee goes to the mat to ask Steve if he gives up and Steve grabs the referee by the collar with both hands, avoiding tapping by pulling the referee closer as the zebra attempts to get back to his feet and pulls Steve off the canvas in the process. The leg Spike had pinned down is now free and Steve lets go of the referee, drops, rolling through the legs, sending Spike crashing into the referee and knocking him into the corner!
Magnus: What the hell did I just see?
Sampson: Steve-shenanigans at their finest.
Spike turns around to a superkick that sends him backwards to the ropes. Steve sees he’s not down and goes in for the ESFH but it’s countered and he receives a headbutt that knocks him backwards. Superkick numero dos, Spike hits the ropes again, this time looking like a boxer about to drop. Swinging wildly, Spike doesn’t seem to know where he’s at when the third kick lands and he drops to the canvas. Steve grabs the referee in the corner and pulls him to the mat to make the count.
One!
Two!
A grab of the ropes by Spike but Steve puts his leg up and pushes the rope away from his hand, meanwhile using the leverage to hold Spike’s shoulders down!
Three!
The bell sounds as the referee swings his hand for the call, still showing the effects of his spill into Spike earlier.
Magnus: Stolen by Steve Awesome, this one goes down as a win for the face of the franchise.
Sampson: I didn’t expect it to go that way, but I’m sure this isn’t going to make matters any better between the BANG members.
Announcer: Winner of the match via pin fall, Steve Awesome! (16:31)
We fade backstage to find the Trons sad and downtrodden. The area around them is a complete mess but they just sigh and shake their heads.
Nano-Tron: It’s all over. We failed.
Mini-Tron: They just walked right past us.
Shogun-Tron: They didn’t even care about the insurmountable evil!
Saber-Tron: Some of them cheered for the evil! They had signs and t-shirts made so fast! The insurmountable evil got over! How can we go back to THE FUTURE with a failed mission!?
Mini-Tron whispers something into Sabers ear hole on his helmet.
Saber-Tron: Oh yes….there is the secret weapon! Perhaps we can use that…..”
The trons nod their head as the scene fades.
Brent Sampson: Okay it’s time for the final match in the Bang Brawl for All tournament.
Magnus: Both Curtis Kanyon and Rat Bastard are coming into this thing with one win each for there team.
Brent Sampson: The winner gains the advantage going into CIVIL WARGAMES!
The lights in the area go out and and red glow comes from the ramp as Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones begins to play through the speakers. As the words come through, the light gets darker.
Please allow me to introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith
And I was round when jesus christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Shadows mix in with the red glow now.
Made damn sure that pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
Rat Bastard steps through the curtain, a cocky smug look upon his face, with a tooth pick handing from his mouth.
I stuck around St. petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
Rat takes a deep breath in and runs his hands through his greasy black hair.
I rode a tank
Held a generals rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
Rat begins his stalk to the ring, shooting dirty looks of disgust out at the fans.
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
Who killed the kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
Rat climbs the stairs the ring, slowly climbing inside he begins to point toward the mat, lipping to the fans that he owns this place.
Let me please introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached bombay
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Brent Sampson: Rat Bastard. Some say the Bang Bros were perfectly fine until he came around.
Magnus: I’m one of the people that think Rat gets a bad rep. Rat has been staying under the radar lately, and the Bros are still fighting.
Brent Sampson: Maybe, you have a point there.
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30 second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside tag team title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He walks down to the ring, nodding to the fans. He grabs a "BANG!" sign from a fan and shows it to the camera, giving a thumbs up before he tosses it back into the crowd. Curtis then climbs into the ring and goes to the turnbuckles. He climbs a turnbuckle and points to the crowd with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air and yells "BANG!" He jumps down and gives his hammer to the ref, ready for action!*
Brent Sampson: And Kanyon, the quote unquote leader of the Bros, looking to double down on his dislike for Rat Bastard and what he feels he’s done to Steve Awesome.
Magnus: Everything is on the line.
Brent Sampson: Except of course for that nCw world Championship…..
Rat Bastard vs Curtis Kanyon
Ding ding ding
Kanyon goes to tie up with Rat but Rat instantly throws the toothpick into Kanyons face. Kanyon grits his teeth and locks up but Rat gets the advantage with his size and presses Kanyon down into a headlock. Kanyon is all calves though and he powers up and out and arm whips Rat Daddy to the mat. Rat’s face smacks the mat and the Awesome Bastard is a bit angry now.
Brent Sampson: Curtis showing Rat he isn’t going to play the games in this match.
Magnus: Rat can do more than play games, Brent. He’s got tricks, surprises, displays…..”
Rat again has the size advantage and uses it and his weight to move Kanyon around the mat. Rat pushes Curtis into the corner and hits him with a stiff chop to the chest. Curtis stiffens in pain and Rat hits him again! Then while Kanyon is wincing, Rat chops him in his gut a few times and then smacks him in the face. Kanyon roars and comes running out of the corner with a huge lariat!
Brent Sampson: That nearly took Rat out of his boots.
Magnus: The former President is not done!
Kanyon rips Rat to his feet and then hits him with a scoop slam! Then a spine buster! Kanyon start looking for his piledriver but Rat reverses out with a back body drop that dumps Kanyon out of the ring and to the floor. Kanyon hits the floor with a thud.
Brent Sampson: Rat Bastard with a veteran move, that buys him plenty of time.
Magnus: Kanyon is really bringing the thunder for his team tonight.
Brent Sampson: He knows what is stake. The numbers game means everything…..speaking of…..”
Steve Awesome comes stepping out onto the stage as Kanyon is pulling himself up to his feet. Steve motions for someone to come out!
Brent Sampson: It’s BLOBBY AND NOEL EDMUNDS! The CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
Magnus: Are they the final two members of Team Awesome Bastards!?
Steve Awesome (in a Marty Donovan t-shirt), Blobby and Noel all strut down to the ring together and Kanyon’s jaw drops as the former President stares daggers at the the purple enemy known as Blobby.
Curtis Kanyon: HOW DARE YOU BRING HIM INTO THIS!
Mr: Blobby: BLOBBY!
Curtis Kanyon: GAHHH!
Kanyon lunges after Blobby but Rat catches Kanyon with an axe handle smash to the side of the head. Rat smashes Kanyons head into the apron and rolls him back into the ring.
Brent Sampson: And now Kanyon is back into the ring with Rat Bastard in control. Of course Steve Awesome and his new running buddies The Crinkly Bottom Boys lurking on the outside.
Magnus: You knew they had a vested interest in this match. If there guy wins, they get the advantage for wargames.
Brent Sampson: So they gotta cheat?
Magnus: No one has cheated yet! Besides, it’s like we’ve been saying, the numbers advantage is oh so important.
Rat drags Curtis in and pulls him up to his feet and belly to belly suplex! Rat goes for another one but Curtis slaps his ears. Curtis nails a couple shots and runs for the ropes but he gets tripped up and Noel Edmunds swears it wasn’t him!
Brent Sampson: Oh come on.
Magnus: Look, I believe Noel.
Rat goes for Rat Trap while Curtis is down but Curtis throws a couple elbows as he rolls away to safety. Rat eats a couple shots to the ribs, Rat tries to go for a suplex but Kanyon blocks it. Kanyon fights out and runs for the ropes and comes back but Rat catches him with The Fall Away Slam! Rat goes for the cover.
Brent Sampson: Kanyon already with the foot on the ropes.
Magnus: Yeah but the ref doesn’t see that!
1…2…
Steve runs up and knocks Kanyons foot off the rope before the ref could notice.
Thre-No Kanyon forced to kick out there. Kanyon stares in disbelief at Steve who shrugged. Rat starts kicking at the back of Kanyons neck.
Just then, out walks El Combatiente and Javier, about three feet away from Zoran Sainovic who is also walking down to the ring.
Brent Sampson: Well there is Kanyons team minus Javier coming down for back up.
Magnus: Who the hell is Team Kanyons fourth member?
Brent Sampson: I’m not sure, but you’d think the XCrown Champion counts for at least two!
Zoran, EC, and Javier come to ringside and Steve, Blobby and Noel glare at them from there side. In the ring, Rat and Curtis square off again and this time Rat goes for the ropes and EC grabs at his foot. Rat stumbles and turns back and points at EC and shouts.
Rat Bastard: HE'S CHEATING!
The ref goes to yell at EC and Rat nails a thumb to Curtis eye! Curtis holds his eye in pain and it seems like he’s having a hard time seeing out of it. The ref checks on Curtis but he waved him off. Curtis tells Rat to bring it on and throws a couple blind swings. Rat smirks until he gets caught by one. And another!
Brent Sampson: I don’t think Curtis’s eye is hurt at all.
Magnus: These guys are two steps ahead of the cheating game!
Rat swings for a punch but Kanyon ducks underneath, runs for the ropes and BANGS! the holy hell out of Rat Bastard! Ratty damn near flips in half and signs completely out! Kanyon goes for the cover!
The ref slides into place.
1….2…..
Steve put Rats foot on the ropes! Steve smirks and points to his head claiming his smart. Suddenly he hears the ref count again.
1…
Javier pushed Rats foot off the rope!
2….
Steve rushed over and put the foot back on the rope!
Steve Awesome: What in the hell are you doing!?
Steve starts arguing with Javier and EC knocks the foot back off the ropes.
1…2….
Steve puts the foot back on the ropes.
Steve Awesome: STOP DOING THAT!
The all start arguing and the other team members start shoving each other a bit and EC puts takes Rats foot off the rope again.
1…
Steve puts it back.
EC takes it off.
1…..
Steve puts it back.
EC takes it off.
1…..
Steve puts it back.
EC takes it off.
1…..
Steve puts it back.
EC leaves Rat’s foot on the rope.
So Steve aggressively slams Rats foot OFF the ropes and he glared at EC proudly.
1….
2….
Steve Awesome: Nowait!
But Rat is finally able to get a shoulder up and kick out in time. Steve rants and kicks the barricade as everyone laughs at him for getting tricked!
Brent Sampson: Bahaha well Steve almost screwed it all up right there!
Magnus: It’s not fair to take advantage of Steve like that!
Just then as Rat and Curtis start getting back to there feet, Spike, PRICE, and Dylan Black start walking down to the ring with steel chairs. They get to ring side, set up the chairs and just sit down at ring side.
Brent Sampson: Now what the hell are the Pillars doing here?
Magnus: I’d say they are getting a closer look at what they're up against!
EC, Zoran and Javier are yelling at the Pillars from one side of them and Steve and the CBB are grilling them from the other side. They are all jumbled up on one side of the ring in front of commentary. Rat and Curtis exchange blows with the ref distracted, Rat nails a low blow and then Razors Edges Kanyon out into the the other teams who were yelling at each other!
Brent Sampson: Oh my god! Rat just sent Kanyon flying like a big cannon ball!
Magnus: Now everyone is fighting!
Blobby is punching EC, Price and Dylan are trading blows with Noel Edmunds and Steve, Spike and Zoran are somehow having a knife fight! Javier is hiding somewhere, and Curtis manages to pull his way out of the madness and get himself back into the ring!
Brent Sampson: All while this thing is breaking down outside, the two competitors in this match are actually trying to still compete.
Magnus: I’m just trying to figure out where Spike and Zoran found knives.
Rat stomps over toward Curtis but Kanyon rolls him up with a small package!
1….2…Rat just barely kicks out!
Brent Sampson: Kanyon going for the surprise.
Magnus: Rat came close to losing it there.
Kanyon gets up but meets a kick to the midsection. Kanyon goes up and down! BASTARD BOMB! Rat hooks the leg.
1..2….Kanyon gets the shoulder up! Rat argues with the ref and Kanyon gets into the corner and starts calling for THE BANG!
Kanyon launches out of the corner but Rat side steps! Kanyon hits the breaks! Rat goes for a ddt, but Kanyon grabs the wrist and counters into the KANYON CUTTER! Kanyon hooks the far leg!
1……2…….Rat still kicks out!
Brent Sampson: How the hell did he kick out of that! Rat Bastard is still in this and all the other team members are still going at it at the outside.
Magnus: It’s a little taste of what CIVIL WARGAMES will be when every team is at max! But we still don’t know who has advantage here!
Rat and Curtis both lay on there backs in the ring, catching there breath while a battle ensues around them. Steve Awesome rolls into the ring to try and revive Rat and take advantage of Curtis while he is down.
“STOP THIS!”
A booming voice over the PA seems to stop the fighting for a second.
Brent Sampson: Oh what now!
Just then the Trons came rushing onto the stage holding a microphone.
Shogun-Tron: We tried to do this the nice way. But now we must take more drastic measures to ensure the safety of THE FUTURE!
Saber-Tron: We are here by shutting down BANG BRAWL! In order to stop the insurmountable evil!
The crowd starts chanting for the evil!
Nano-Tron: Stop chanting for the evil!
Mini-Tron: You are only making it stronger!
Saber-Tron: Since you did not listen to our protests, we must unleash upon you, SECRET WEAPON-TRON!
The trons point to the entry way and nothing happens.
Saber-Tron: SECRET WEAPON-TRON!!!
After a few moments a pair of silver shin guards get tossed onto the stage. Followed by a silver chest plate.
Saber-Tron: Ummm….secret weapon-tron?
Suddenly a half naked guy comes running out and screaming. Then some badass music starts playing and suddenly HARDCORE HARRY STEPS OUT ONTO THE STAGE! The crowd goes INSANE!
Brent Sampson: OH MY GOD! ItS HADRCORE FUCKIN HARRY!
Magnus: WHAT IT GODS NAME….
Harry steps onto the stage holding some kind of tron helmet and walks up to Saber and Shogun. Harry tosses the helmet to the side and bash there heads together! The trons go down and nano and mini run for their lives! Harry starts walking directly toward the ring.
Steve Awesome looks like he just saw a ghost, he is frantically shaking Rat awake. Ray finally comes too, realizes Hardcore Harry is coming down to the ring and just passes back out!
Kanyon is pulling himself up to his feet, attempting to brace himself for what might happen.
Brent Sampson: HARDCORE HARRY IS IN THE RING!
Magnus: But who or what side is he on!?
Hardcore Harry blows Curtis a gentle kiss and then grabs Steve Awesome by the throat!
Steve Awesome: AHHHH NO PLEASE!!!
Harry starts laying right hands into Steve and he hits the mat for every single one! Harry throat tossed Steve into the corner and combo’d on the Face of the Franchise until he flipped all the way up and out of the ring!
Blobby and Noel come to help but EC and Zoran cut them off! Harry goes to help but Spike, Price and Dylan slide into the ring to survey the hardcore legend.
Brent Sampson: The pillars of Hardcore getting a closer look at a man who paved the way!
Magnus: A small show of respect?
And quick. The three pillars instantly triple Team Harry with punches and kicks that start to bring the big man down but Harry powers back up and double clothesline to Price and Dylan and mashes Spike with a big boot. Hardcore Harry goes to help his teammates but suddenly feels the presence of the fourth pillar of Hardcore.
Brent Sampson: THE MURDER LIZARD!
Magnus: oh my god! Jesse Jamester and Hardcore Harry! Face to face! Nose to nose!
The two big men talk some trash and the crowd is there for it in a big way! They want to see those two go at it! Harry and Jesse start swinging back and forth but soon the rest of the pillars get back involved. Blobby and Noel get past EC and Zoran and Steve comes ranting and raving back into the ring for round two!
The whole ring explodes into a brawl! Fists flying, kicks to the gut. Steve Awesome is yelling about his leg in the corner, and just as Hardcore Harry lays out two foes in front of him, he notices something shady move in the background.
Rat Bastard.
Harry turns around to spot Rat. Rat backs up a bit but can’t avoid the onslaught from Harry! Rat takes a big combo in the corner and then a brutally devastating powerbomb! Kanyon runs up and takes the cover! Harry stands guard while the ref counts. Steve makes a beeline but gets headbutted out of his shoes by Hardcore Harry!
1……2…….3!!!!!!!!
Announcer: WINNER OF THIS MATCH! AND THE WINNER OF THE ADVANTAGE IN CIVIL WARGAMES! CURTIS KANYON!!!!!!
Brent Sampson: Team Kanyon has won the advantage! And they unveiled a HUGE final team member!
Magnus: Kanyon, EC, Zoran, and now Hardcore Harry!? How the hell do you even step to that!?
Brent Sampson: Things just got a hell of lot more interesting going into CIVIL WARGAMES! Hardcore Harry is stepping into the ring! I can’t believe it!
Magnus: We will believe it when it happens, LATER THIS MONTH!!!!
“Don’t Tread on Me” by Metallica plays as Kanyon celebrates his win! Zoran and EC slide into the ring and they stand with Harry and Kanyon and Team Kanyon stand as one in the ring!
The pillars back up the ramp holding their hurt body parts and realizing what exactly they have on their plate going into CIVIL WARGAMES! Spike shouts at Harry.
Spike Kane: You started Hardcore but we’ve PERFECTED IT!
The other pillars nod and shout back at a the ring.
Blobby and Noel peel Steve Awesome and Rat Bastard off the mat out to ringside. Rat is out cold and Steve is just in traumatic shock.
Steve Awesome: Not Harry…noooooo!
Fade.