Post by Dave D-Flipz on Dec 12, 2022 23:28:27 GMT -5
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
*We open in the garage of the laboratory of the DEI building where we find the team decorating for the holidays. Billy, the Horrible Driver, is using his various gadgets to fire garland and tinsel around the room and up the tree. Ian, the weapons expert and chaotician, is properly arranging ornaments and tree limbs to a proper chaotic scale, no repeat patterns, no discernable reason. Ovi, the mechanic and robotic expert, is setting up a colossal Christmas village with working train set. And of course Phroooaggh the Relentless, the uh … eldritch anti-Cthulhu Lord Zedd looking guy, is using his powers to create an indoor snow storm to make everything look festive.*
Phroooaggh: What a strangely laid back month this has been. Shouldn’t we be preparing for the Sippy Cup?
Ian: Uh, and how, um, pray tell are we supposed to do that. It’s the same, uh, course we’ve been used to, similar weapons, just with snow.
Ovi: I already installed the snow tires on the Chemistruckinator. And we have chains in the caboose if need be. The weapons almost never get used, and if we’re about to finish, the DOOF will inevitably fire and someone will tell Memaw we lost despite us ALWAYS winning. … Canonically … yes we always win … it’s a conspiracy. …
Billy: Oh hush with the conspiracies. It’s the holiday season!
*Suddenly the door busts open to the Sanctum Sanctimonious and out steps Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz in a lab coat and Santa hat and beard. The financial backer and team leader who supplies the car, garage, budget, weapons, and antics … busy guy … is looking very festive.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HO HO HELLO! Ah yes Christmas time. Much better than in Gimmelstump let me tell ya.
Billy: Wait … you mean you aren’t gonna balls this up and make it into like … Doofmas? Or … Heinzikkah? Or … Kwanzevil?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Billy … I am not a savage, I am a parent. Even us evil scientist types care about the festivities and frankly your comments hurt me. I am not THAT much of a narcissist. However I do anticipate us winning that handsome trophy for our trophy rack!
*He points to the shelf he put up haphazardly, with nails sticking out every which way, not bolted to a stud. Clearly an OSHA violation. On it rests the golden jockstrap they have won. And one and a half fan belts. And nothing else. Cuz of the conspiracy.*
Ovi: I told you there was a conspiracy.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HEY! Only I get to break the fourth wall and talk back to the narrator guy!
*Ovi rolls his eyes. Suddenly from behind Doof they hear a song begin to play softly ... and getting louder as a light thumping like big metal footsteps gets closer. Ian looks at a cup of egg nog on the desk … it shows impact tremors.*
Ian: It's a, um... It's an impact tremor, that's what it is... I'm fairly alarmed here.
Ovi: … Why? It clearly fits in the building.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: In honor of Christmas, and because I can’t seem to get a response from the portable Indoctrinators I put outside the BTTB and Reedy Creek facilities, I’ve created … the MISTLETOE-INATOR! To foster team growth.
*Norm the normal human, who is actually a ten foot tall robot man that can also be a mech suit, and since the Unearthly Doppelganger incident also a weapons platform … busts into the room next to Doof. Doof gestures to him before Norm lifts him up and kisses him*
Norm: Hi! I’m Norm, and I’m covered in mistletoe!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: BLECH! Don’t kiss ME you big oaf! You are to go to spread joy among the other teams and the CAR Committee.
Billy: … Joy?
*Norm walks around the garage and as he passes Billy he pick him up and kisses him*
Billy: GAH! This is workplace harassment! No means no!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes Billy, for no joy is better than the love of another. Also I’m pretty sure if the other teams are stuck in an infinite loop of kissing each other we will win the race for sure!
Phroooaggh: X to doubt.
Norm: I don’t know what that means!
*Norm strolls over and picks up Phroooaggh and kisses him. Despite the red skin and metal face mask, we can see him blush.*
Phroooaggh: Thank you sir may I have another?
*Norm spins and finds another mistletoe on him to put over them and kisses him again.*
Phroooaggh: I approve of this invention.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ok so I may have hijacked some of Ovi’s tech to add in one MORE surprise to Norm. Ovi if you would be so kind as to check Norm’s size 54 boots?
*Ovi and Ian approach Norm and lean in to examine him when Norm smooshes their heads together, accidentally violently, causing them to kiss and have their noses bent to the side comically like the Wet Bandits in Home Alone 2 when the toolchest falls down the stairs. Fun times for all.*
Ovi: GAH! My schnoz! And you made me smooch Ian! … I should be more offended by that but he is the most preferable person on this team.
Ian: Speak for yourself.
*Ian picks moustache hair from his teeth and wipes his lips.*
Ovi: Norm will you please turn down the volume on that dreck? What even is that?
Norm: It’s the new Gorillaz track yo! I dig the flashy visuals and the genre bending music!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Not sure how they can get away with calling a song Cracker Island. You’d think some whiteys would get angry and protest with torches and pitchforks. Oh there’s ALWAYS torches and pitchforks. Cavemen…
*Ovi examines Norm and recoils in shock and awe.*
Ovi: Why, it’s actually brilliant! A pun played perfectly for our violent designs!
Billy: Well, what is it?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It’s missile-toe!
Billy: Yes I see the kissy plants.
*Norm picks Billy up and slams his head into Ian’s*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No you misheard me. M-I-S-S-I-L-E. MISSILE TOE! BAHAHAHAHAHA! HIS TOES ARE NOW MISSILE LAUNCHERS TO SMITE ANYONE WHO DARES DEFY US!
Ovi: Only issue is it goes against CAR rules.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What?
Ovi: We have not earned a new mod, and it’s not on the Car, and we can’t physically harm the other teams. Also they all seem to have some kind of eldritch protection, ghostly intangibility, a dinosaur monster, … or the most dreaded foil to science known to man! … Cardboard and pregnancy.
*beat*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But But … I can still send him to go force them all to kiss each other all day or suffer the shame and derision from defying tradition!
*Doof leans over the railing for emphasis and falls off the balcony onto Norm. Norm promptly gathers everyone into a group hug and forces them all to kiss. All the non-Doof members of the team begin to violently wretch.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh ha ha … Norm turn off this music. All this talk of teaching themselves to be a cult is just depre- … wait … WAIT! THAT’S IT! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I have the best plan ever! I must make some more inators! IT’S A MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL!
*Doof sprints out of the room and into his Sanctum Sanctimonious … this isn’t boding well for our valiant protagonists.*
Ian: Once again, uh, um, I’m fairly alarmed here …
Ovi: Norm, go visit some other team or Memaw or someone please.
Norm: I’m Norm!
*The team looks on in shock as they process what just happened.*
1. How does your diver respond to having their vehicle covered in snow?
Billy: Snow bothers me not! Our car has all the latest chemical innovations to handle snow.
Ovi: Also this means we’re in first so yes the snow is absolutely on us, all race long, no changes, we will win like we ALWAYS do.
2. Where shall the snow balls hit?
Billy: They can hit the car but they just melt or get deflected by our chemical ablative armor!
Ian: OUCH! MY SNOWBALLS!
3. How much will you skid on the down ramp of Mt. Hold-Ma-Beer?
Ovi: Hmm, William you seem to be sliding an awful lot.
Billy: THIS TRUCK IS MEANT TO GO STRAIGHT NOT SIDEWAYS!
Ian: Is that a cryovolcano?
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Ovi: HA CONSPIRACY AVERTED! No denying us this time! SIPPY CUP WINNERS!
Billy: Doesn’t Doof usually steal the trophies? Where is he?
Ian: I can’t believe the DOOF FLOOF actually helped us for once.
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Ovi: WE CROSSED FIRST! CLEARLY! CONSPIRACY!
Billy: YEAH GIVE US OUR SIPPY CUP … AND MY GOLDEN BOOB!
*We open in the garage of the laboratory of the DEI building where we find the team decorating for the holidays. Billy, the Horrible Driver, is using his various gadgets to fire garland and tinsel around the room and up the tree. Ian, the weapons expert and chaotician, is properly arranging ornaments and tree limbs to a proper chaotic scale, no repeat patterns, no discernable reason. Ovi, the mechanic and robotic expert, is setting up a colossal Christmas village with working train set. And of course Phroooaggh the Relentless, the uh … eldritch anti-Cthulhu Lord Zedd looking guy, is using his powers to create an indoor snow storm to make everything look festive.*
Phroooaggh: What a strangely laid back month this has been. Shouldn’t we be preparing for the Sippy Cup?
Ian: Uh, and how, um, pray tell are we supposed to do that. It’s the same, uh, course we’ve been used to, similar weapons, just with snow.
Ovi: I already installed the snow tires on the Chemistruckinator. And we have chains in the caboose if need be. The weapons almost never get used, and if we’re about to finish, the DOOF will inevitably fire and someone will tell Memaw we lost despite us ALWAYS winning. … Canonically … yes we always win … it’s a conspiracy. …
Billy: Oh hush with the conspiracies. It’s the holiday season!
*Suddenly the door busts open to the Sanctum Sanctimonious and out steps Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz in a lab coat and Santa hat and beard. The financial backer and team leader who supplies the car, garage, budget, weapons, and antics … busy guy … is looking very festive.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HO HO HELLO! Ah yes Christmas time. Much better than in Gimmelstump let me tell ya.
Billy: Wait … you mean you aren’t gonna balls this up and make it into like … Doofmas? Or … Heinzikkah? Or … Kwanzevil?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Billy … I am not a savage, I am a parent. Even us evil scientist types care about the festivities and frankly your comments hurt me. I am not THAT much of a narcissist. However I do anticipate us winning that handsome trophy for our trophy rack!
*He points to the shelf he put up haphazardly, with nails sticking out every which way, not bolted to a stud. Clearly an OSHA violation. On it rests the golden jockstrap they have won. And one and a half fan belts. And nothing else. Cuz of the conspiracy.*
Ovi: I told you there was a conspiracy.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HEY! Only I get to break the fourth wall and talk back to the narrator guy!
*Ovi rolls his eyes. Suddenly from behind Doof they hear a song begin to play softly ... and getting louder as a light thumping like big metal footsteps gets closer. Ian looks at a cup of egg nog on the desk … it shows impact tremors.*
Ian: It's a, um... It's an impact tremor, that's what it is... I'm fairly alarmed here.
Ovi: … Why? It clearly fits in the building.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: In honor of Christmas, and because I can’t seem to get a response from the portable Indoctrinators I put outside the BTTB and Reedy Creek facilities, I’ve created … the MISTLETOE-INATOR! To foster team growth.
*Norm the normal human, who is actually a ten foot tall robot man that can also be a mech suit, and since the Unearthly Doppelganger incident also a weapons platform … busts into the room next to Doof. Doof gestures to him before Norm lifts him up and kisses him*
Norm: Hi! I’m Norm, and I’m covered in mistletoe!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: BLECH! Don’t kiss ME you big oaf! You are to go to spread joy among the other teams and the CAR Committee.
Billy: … Joy?
*Norm walks around the garage and as he passes Billy he pick him up and kisses him*
Billy: GAH! This is workplace harassment! No means no!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes Billy, for no joy is better than the love of another. Also I’m pretty sure if the other teams are stuck in an infinite loop of kissing each other we will win the race for sure!
Phroooaggh: X to doubt.
Norm: I don’t know what that means!
*Norm strolls over and picks up Phroooaggh and kisses him. Despite the red skin and metal face mask, we can see him blush.*
Phroooaggh: Thank you sir may I have another?
*Norm spins and finds another mistletoe on him to put over them and kisses him again.*
Phroooaggh: I approve of this invention.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ok so I may have hijacked some of Ovi’s tech to add in one MORE surprise to Norm. Ovi if you would be so kind as to check Norm’s size 54 boots?
*Ovi and Ian approach Norm and lean in to examine him when Norm smooshes their heads together, accidentally violently, causing them to kiss and have their noses bent to the side comically like the Wet Bandits in Home Alone 2 when the toolchest falls down the stairs. Fun times for all.*
Ovi: GAH! My schnoz! And you made me smooch Ian! … I should be more offended by that but he is the most preferable person on this team.
Ian: Speak for yourself.
*Ian picks moustache hair from his teeth and wipes his lips.*
Ovi: Norm will you please turn down the volume on that dreck? What even is that?
Norm: It’s the new Gorillaz track yo! I dig the flashy visuals and the genre bending music!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Not sure how they can get away with calling a song Cracker Island. You’d think some whiteys would get angry and protest with torches and pitchforks. Oh there’s ALWAYS torches and pitchforks. Cavemen…
*Ovi examines Norm and recoils in shock and awe.*
Ovi: Why, it’s actually brilliant! A pun played perfectly for our violent designs!
Billy: Well, what is it?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It’s missile-toe!
Billy: Yes I see the kissy plants.
*Norm picks Billy up and slams his head into Ian’s*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No you misheard me. M-I-S-S-I-L-E. MISSILE TOE! BAHAHAHAHAHA! HIS TOES ARE NOW MISSILE LAUNCHERS TO SMITE ANYONE WHO DARES DEFY US!
Ovi: Only issue is it goes against CAR rules.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What?
Ovi: We have not earned a new mod, and it’s not on the Car, and we can’t physically harm the other teams. Also they all seem to have some kind of eldritch protection, ghostly intangibility, a dinosaur monster, … or the most dreaded foil to science known to man! … Cardboard and pregnancy.
*beat*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But But … I can still send him to go force them all to kiss each other all day or suffer the shame and derision from defying tradition!
*Doof leans over the railing for emphasis and falls off the balcony onto Norm. Norm promptly gathers everyone into a group hug and forces them all to kiss. All the non-Doof members of the team begin to violently wretch.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh ha ha … Norm turn off this music. All this talk of teaching themselves to be a cult is just depre- … wait … WAIT! THAT’S IT! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I have the best plan ever! I must make some more inators! IT’S A MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL!
*Doof sprints out of the room and into his Sanctum Sanctimonious … this isn’t boding well for our valiant protagonists.*
Ian: Once again, uh, um, I’m fairly alarmed here …
Ovi: Norm, go visit some other team or Memaw or someone please.
Norm: I’m Norm!
*The team looks on in shock as they process what just happened.*
1. How does your diver respond to having their vehicle covered in snow?
Billy: Snow bothers me not! Our car has all the latest chemical innovations to handle snow.
Ovi: Also this means we’re in first so yes the snow is absolutely on us, all race long, no changes, we will win like we ALWAYS do.
2. Where shall the snow balls hit?
Billy: They can hit the car but they just melt or get deflected by our chemical ablative armor!
Ian: OUCH! MY SNOWBALLS!
3. How much will you skid on the down ramp of Mt. Hold-Ma-Beer?
Ovi: Hmm, William you seem to be sliding an awful lot.
Billy: THIS TRUCK IS MEANT TO GO STRAIGHT NOT SIDEWAYS!
Ian: Is that a cryovolcano?
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Ovi: HA CONSPIRACY AVERTED! No denying us this time! SIPPY CUP WINNERS!
Billy: Doesn’t Doof usually steal the trophies? Where is he?
Ian: I can’t believe the DOOF FLOOF actually helped us for once.
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Ovi: WE CROSSED FIRST! CLEARLY! CONSPIRACY!
Billy: YEAH GIVE US OUR SIPPY CUP … AND MY GOLDEN BOOB!
