Dungeons & Douchebags [OVN3]
Dec 19, 2022 13:27:23 GMT -5
Venom 🕷, bloodiedfox, and 1 more like this
Post by Spike Kane on Dec 19, 2022 13:27:23 GMT -5
I never thought it would come to this. After everything we’ve been through, how much we’ve had each other's backs, and how we’ve put ourselves through so much for each other. It seems almost impossible to find ourselves here….but alas, here we do stand, on the precipice of all out Civil War.
It hurts me to say this, but it’s painfully obvious.
The BANG! Bros will never be the same again.
It’s all well and good getting under each other's skin, whether it be Steve’s blind ignorance to what he’s having his head filled with, or Curtis and EC thinking they can talk this shit out, well not anymore? Right boys?
Some lines have been crossed.
First and foremost, Steve being the epic dick that he is, wasn't content with having one person on his team that hates every single member of the BANG! Bros, no, he went and got the Crinkly Bottom Boys to back him up.
The fuck is wrong with you dude?
Then as a counter, Kanyon and El Combatiente go and get Zoran!?
If you could see my face right now, you’d see both hands just dragging my face down, because these weren’t accidental team ups. These were designed to cause as much stress, pain, and hurt emotions as they could. I know I have the Pillars at my back, but that isn’t exactly new, is it? At Oh Violent Night 2 there was a line drawn between the Pillars of Violence and the BANG! Bros.
I chose you bastards.
How wrong could I have been?
….and the final nail in the coffin?
Hardcore Motherfucking Harry.
Fuck.
—
We open on Spike’s Ireland home, frost covers most of the farm around, with bits of snow gathered in certain areas - particularly the roof. The porch is empty, as inside with a roaring fire, Spike Kane seems to be putting the final touches to a large table he has set up. On one side of the table he has a cardboard stand, and on each other side there is a bag of dive each, and a pop up bowl-type thing to roll them in. Slowly but surely the Pillars of Violence begin to enter. PRICE from down the hallway. He walks in, and grabs a big bag of Wotsits before sitting at the table. Dylan enters through a portal similar to Spike’s, which causes him to raise an eyebrow before making the “not bad” face, whereas Jesse Jamester takes up the entire frame of the entrance as he walks into the cottage.
JJ: You really brought us here to play D&D days before Oh Violent Night?
Spike: Yeah, look, I thought it’d be a good team building exercise. We’re not exactly the closest of friends now, are we?
Dylan: We do have a history of beating the shit out of each other.
PRICE: I like to see it was spreading the gospel. Violence begets violence.
Spike: Yes. See? My point is, we need to be on the same page so that we don’t fall into old patterns and start beating the shit out of each other in the flurry of the match.
Dylan: But D&D, really?
Spike: Listen, I’m the DM, just shut up and do what I say. If it doesn’t work, then one of you cunts can come up with something else!
The three other Pillars of Violence quietly mutter to themselves as they all take their seats. Spike takes his seat behind the diver, and clears his throat.
Spike: Right, you’ve all got a character sheet, and dice in front of you. Let’s get started….you find yourselves in a small tavern, there’s an open fire roaring opposite the bar, some scattered customers around, in one corner is a Bard politely play-
JJ: I punch the Bard.
Spike: What!?
JJ: I punch the Bard.
Spike: Why?
JJ: He’s probably annoying.
Dylan: Wait, am I the Bard?
Spike: Oh for fuck sake….Yes! You are. JJ, you can’t just punch the Bard for no reason.
JJ: It’s what my character would do!
Spike: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR CHARACTER YET!
Spike takes a moment to take a deep breath, and makes a “calm down” motion to both himself and the other three. PRICE speaks up in between mouthfuls of Wotsits.
PRICE: Am I in the room?
Spike: *sigh* Yes, listen, both of you are sat in opposite corners while the Bard is playing. PRICE, you notice a huge hulking Lizardfolk in the corner staring daggers at the Bard, Jesse…you notice a Human dude looking as casual as possible, surveying the area.
PRICE: I punch the Bard.
Spike: ……for fuck sake.
We fade on the frustrated figure of Spike Kane, while the other three Pillars of Violence all laugh amongst themselves.
—
I should be addressing your team, I suppose, Steve. Thing is, this whole thing could have been avoided if you had just listened and talked to me and the Bros, instead of letting yourself believe the bullshit Rat Bastard has been poisoning you with. You’ve known me for almost two decades dude….
Have you ever seen me jealous?
No for real, you’ve seen me at my absolute worst along with my career highs. You’ve seen exactly what I’m capable of, and the lengths I’m willing to go to. Tell me Steve, if you honestly believe I was jealous of your X*Crown Championship win, and reign, do you not think I’d have the balls to at least ask you for a match? For once, I was behind you. One hundred percent, and I was proud of you man. I said it after our second Call to Arms victory in a row - your third - that if I don’t win the X*Crown, I wanted it to be one of my Bros.
Why do you think I was lying?
Steve….when I came back, I had nobody. Nobody. You were the only one who was there for me, and even when we fought for the X*Crown Championship when I was the one holding it, I never held it against you. You earned the shot, we gave it everything we had. For the first time in XHF I had the victory over you that I had been chasing for so long, and there was no bad blood. There was no knife in the back, because when you pulled me out of the dirt Steve….when you asked Kanyon to pick me? You gave me something I never thought I’d have again.
A family.
If you’ve learnt anything over the years, you’d know I value that over anything. I only ever wanted the best for you man, not so I could leech off of you like Rat is, but because you were my bro, and we’re supposed to have each other's backs. I did nothing but support you while you were X*Crown champion, giving props to my boy everywhere I went. Whilst you were riding the high, I was down in the dirt on the longest losing streak I’ve had in years - two of those courtesy of Rat….which hell yeah I’m bitter about, and not just because I lost…
I learned that piece of shit doesn’t know a god damned thing about me.
Yet you let him tell you how I think and feel.
He gaslighted the fuck out of you Steve.
Now look at what you’ve done.
—
We fade back in on The Pillars of Violence and their D&D game. Behind Spike through the window we can see that it’s approaching late afternoon. There are several empty cups, bottles, and cans around, as well as wrappers from junk food and snacks.
Spike: After you decapitate the last Goblin Guard you find yourselves in a dimly lit tunnel-
Dylan: I have Darkvision!
JJ: Me too!
PRICE: I have a magical bandana that gives me darkvision.
For a moment Spike closes his eyes and lets the wave of frustration roll over himself.
Spike: As I was saying, you find yourselves in a dimly lit tunnel but ALL OF YOU can see…
PRICE: Do we hear or see anything?
Spike: Not as of yet.
JJ: Then we keep going.
Spike: Just marching down the tunnel?
JJ: Well, yeah.
Spike flips a page in his book, and then looks up to his players.
Spike: As you come around the corner you see a bunch of boxes stacked at the side, and in front of you is a big oak door.
JJ: I fight the door.
Spike: You…what? You can’t fight the door?
Dylan: I seduce the door.
Spike’s head almost whips off his shoulders as he turns to look at Dylan with a big “WTF” look on his face.
Spike: It’s a door! It’s made of wood!
Dylan: Speaking wood...
JJ: I FIGHT THE DOOR!
Spike: Fine, you fight the door. Roll an attack.
JJ: Fuck!
Spike: You fight the door, and somehow lose…take…*rolls a dice* …6 stupid damage.
Dylan: *Making eye contact* I. Seduce. The. Door.
Spike: *sigh* ….fine…
Spike: ….fuck.
PRICE: Is the door locked?
Spike: NO!
PRICE: I open the door.
We fade away once again on the increasingly frustrated figure of Spike Kane, as Dylan motions out how he would seduce the door, and both JJ and PRICE high five each other.
—
I know I don’t know half of what you’re saying EC, I’ve picked up a few bits here and there, mostly because Javier keeps teaching me how to cuss in Spanish, although I’m sure he’s winding me up. There’s just not that many Spanish speaking people where I come from, so I wasn’t exposed til later in life….but my point is, I know deep down that you’re the brains of the BANG! Bros. You’re the one that guides us towards glory, and keeps us together as a family.
You’re irreplaceable.
The thing is, I have a long history with Steve, and I have a long history with Curtis….something about you feels similar, and it always has, but we don’t go way back do we? Do we? Those calculating eyes of yours, they show the mind always working, and I’ve seen eyes like that before. You have continued to perform everywhere you go, and I always knew that if I needed it in the ring, or even outside of it, that you would have my back, because whatever mysterious history we may or may not have? We were Bros.
Now I’m scared of being stabbed.
Again.
Because you guys brought Zoran into this, and I just can’t fathom why you’d do that?
How did we get here? How did we go from being the XHF’s Golden Girls to Civil War? We were stronger than this, fuck, we literally went to Hell to save Steve less than a year ago, and now we’re ready to burn all bridges and tear each other apart? I know sometimes you fly under the radar, with the personalities you find yourself surrounded by the anonymity of a luchador mask provides you with that little bit of privacy, but I know you’re dangerous EC. I know inside the ring, you’re one of the most dangerous in this match.
You’ve got a track record of proving it.
So whilst I miss our broken conversations? We’re not Bros anymore, and I have to treat you like the threat you really are. Hiding in plain sight. Inside the ropes, you’ll meet me for real and you’ll understand why we are called the Pillars of Violence.
As far as I’m concerned….
You’re a target.
—
We cut back once again to the in progress game of Dungeons & Dragons and now behind Spike we can see that the sun is going down. The place has been tidied up a little, but more mess has been made since then, and there’s an ashtray between Spike and PRICE that has clearly been building up over time.
Spike: So now, you manage to survive the attack from the Death Knight, you are out of initiative.
JJ: I need a heal.
Dylan: Let me check my spells.
Spike: In character guys, come on.
JJ: Ok…OI BARD, MY ARMS HANGING OFF!
Dylan makes an air guitar gesture.
Dylan: I cast cure wounds at third level, as I strum my lute and sing “Get healed you stupid fuuuuuuuuuck”
Spike: You do so, and find your party is back to full health. Something about this throne room seems to amplify the spell. Before you, about 60 feet away is the volcanic bed you were sent here to deposit the dragon egg to. What do you-
Dylan: I Yeet the egg into the lava.
Spike: I’m sorry, you what?
Dylan: Yeet the egg.
Spike: …errr…give me a ranged attack roll.
When Dylan rolls the natural twenty he jumps up, and so do PRICE and Jesse, all high fiving.
Spike: OK…so…you do, you throw this egg through the air and as it twists and turns and slowly spins like a football being tossed for a touchdown, it lands in the lava and a huge volcanic eruption explodes. The lava bursts out and begins to head in your direction.
PRICE: I climb on top of the Bard.
JJ: I blow nervously at the floor.
Dylan: I cast Dimension Door, and grab JJ as I do so.
Spike: Nice! You guys manage to step through just as the lava was about to hit you. You re-appear back at the castle, and now you level up!
The three of them all cheer, and woo! As they begin looking at what cool shit they’ll get to do with their level up. Spike looks at them each in turn, and smiles.
—
Mr President.
By no means do I mean you any disrespect, but this is on your head as much as it is on Steve’s. At Oh Violent Night II you guys drew a line in the sand, I stepped over it and PRICE came with me. Do you remember that? In a throwdown between the Pillars of Violence and the BANG! Bros, PRICE sided with me, and came over to your side. He had one condition, he gets to slap Steve every now and then.
Nobody had a problem with that.
At the time.
Other than that? He’s been on our side, he even found us the backdoor to Heaven so we could go and find Steve, and even Charlie. Don’t you all remember that? So instead of having me have to stand there and defend why I had a tag team partner who “Wasn’t a BANG! Bro” whilst you’d tagged with Steve, and with El Combatiente, but not me!
….that makes me sound like the lonely kid who Dad didn’t want to spend time with.
But my point stands!
PRICE thinks Steve is a douchebag. Newsflash, Steve IS a douchebag, but he was our douchebag. Instead he got poisoned by even more douchebaggery and now his douchebagmess is too superior to our love and friendship. We’re not good enough for him anymore, and that’s because you didn’t step up and do your damn job. You didn’t step in and tell him he was talking out of his ass, explain to him why none of us were jealous. That we had his back.
You failed us.
Like you failed your country.
So now we’re at war, and instead of riding with my Bros and cheering the BANG! I have to watch out for it, and take the necessary steps to make sure you’re in no condition to deliver it. I’m not happy about it, not at all, my thirst for violence will take over once we step in the ring, but you were our leader Curtis. You took us on crazy adventures, you showed us a different view on so many things, and being a former President opened a lot of doors for us. You were the soul of the BANG! Bros…
But I guess in the end, it always comes down to one word, doesn’t it?
Violence.
Let’s Civil Wargames the fuck out of this bitch.
___
Spike: As you dodge out of the way from the Dragon’s fire breath, Jesse doesn’t quite make it and is engulfed in flames! He screams as he drops to the floor with zero hit points.
PRICE: I grab a nearby bucket of water and throw it over Jesse.
Spike: Ok, Dylan?
Dylan: I cast polymorph.
Spike: On the Dragon?
Dylan: No, on PRICE. I polymorph him into a fly.
Spike: …..why?
You can see Spike doesn’t trust what Dylan is doing here.
Dylan: I cast polymorph, and I whisper to him “fly up his butt!”
Spike: Oh come on…
PRICE: Oh bet. I fly up the Dragons butt.
Spike seems to be struggling to find a way to prevent this from happening within the confines of the rules he’s laid out, but eventually just shrugs.
Spike: Ok, you fly up the Dragons butt. It’s the Dragons turn, it turns around and comes back with another breath attack…..
Spike: AND MISSES! FUCK.
Dylan: Is it my turn?
Spike: No. Jesse, roll a death save.
JJ: FUCK YES!
Spike: Ok, Jesse, you’re up with one hit point.
JJ: I rush the dragon.
Spike: The dragon is in the sky dude.
JJ: OK, I use MY breath weapon!
He rolls some dives and does a decent amount of damage, the three are cheering.
Dylan: Is it my turn?
Spike: Yes…
Dylan: I drop the polymorph on PRICE.
Spike: Ok, PRICE, you are inside the Dragon’s anus, having made your way up towards the stomach-
Dylan: I cast polymorph again-
Spike: No…
Dylan: Yes.
Spike: Don’t.
Dylan: I polymorph PRICE into a T-Rex.
Spike slumps forwards and buries his face in his hands, as Dylan sits with a smirk on his face and both PRICE and JJ are laughing.
Spike: As you do so, you see the Dragon pause for a moment, as if it knows something is wrong, when suddenly there is an absolute explosion of blood, guts, and gore, as bits and pieces of the Dragon fall from the sky and litter the town below, and a giant dinosaur stands where the Dragon once did, as it tries to catch itself when it falls it steps onto the Orphanage of Special Orphans With Gifted Abilities, you hear a scream and then it just stops.
Dylan: We did it!
Spike: Yes, the Dragon is dead….amongst many, many, many other things.
PRICE: Yeah but we did it.
Spike: At least you didn’t fuck the Dragon…
JJ: Well kind of…
The three of them begin to talk over each other excitedly as they talk about the events and scrapes they got into during this game as Spike sits back and lets himself breath for the first time all day. He glances towards the door where his BANG! Bros football jersey hangs and there’s a hint of sadness about him, before the fire cracks behind him and pulls him back out of it, and the four Pillars of Violence all begin to happily, and animatedly talk about how much fun they had.
We fade.
___
There’s plenty of people in this match I could spend hours addressing, and each of them would be worthy of such time and effort, but I don’t want to bore you. See, I’m not egotistical enough to call you all chess pieces, but I’m sure you’re all aware how you’ve all been used to just to hurt another Bros feelings?
Whether you’re here because you want to keep your enemies close, or if you’re up for the thrill of the violence. At the end of the day, you’re caught in the whirlwind that is the BANG! Bros Civil War, and more than anything it just goes to show how much of an impact the Bros have had on the XHF Network, and how many ….superstars…can be called into action at a moments notice.
The Crinkly Bottom boys have a long time rivalry with El Bang Hermanes. So we can expect something ridiculously violent and insane from the walking nightmare fuel that is Blobby, probably whilst Edmonds his getting his ancient head kicked in….but Zoran is an X-Factor, and you can never predict what that crazy psychotic son of a bitch is going to do, especially within the confines of a Civil War match…but at the same time, who’s to say he won’t take the opportunity to stab Kanyon in the back?
Literally.
The Pillars, of course, need no introduction. Oh Violent Night only exists because we willed it so. We saw what the XHF Network had to offer, and we knew we could do better, even if it meant tearing each other apart in the process. We kicked it off on the GUN Show and we haven’t looked back since, now look, here you all are, for arguably the biggest match of the year….arguably the biggest fallout of the year, and just in time for christmas.
Oh Violent Night.
Then of course….
There’s Hardcore Harry.
Like a bat out of hell, the ghost of Hardcore past strikes fear into the hearts of everyone just before Christmas. I’m not going to downplay that move, that was a masterstroke. The XHF’s own icon of hardcore. The man to hold the Hardcore title more than anyone else.
But look who holds it now.
That’s funny, because it’s almost a metaphor for life, isn’t it? You were the hardcore icon, but now it’s me. Just like you were the hardcore champion, but now it’s me. I’m not afraid of you Harry, despite knowing you could spend the entire night tearing me limb from limb, you’re out of practice. You’re slow, and you’ve got god knows how many layers of ring rust on you….whereas I have the Messiah of Hardcore, the Murder Lizard, the Daemon of Mayhem, and of course…
The God of Xtreme.
This might be a BANG! Bros Civl War.
But the Pillars of Violence will stand tall.
"Oh Violent Night.
The cage is softly calling.
It is the night, with the barbed wire and chairs.
Steve is a douche, and, so we get Civil Wargames.
Thank you Steve, for being a douche.
Call your teammates.
And hear the sounds of violence.
Oh night, so violent.
Oh night. When we go to War.
Oh night. So Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-o-lent.
Oh night.
Oh Violent Night."
