OVN Civil War: The Weaker Soldier [NOEL]

[Cross Recoba]

INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY

OVER BLACK

TITLE: TODAY, I FEEL LIKE…WARGAMES!!!!!

FADE IN

EDMONDS and BLOBBY seem to be at loggerheads.

NOEL EDMONDS

Look, you can’t sulk, Blob. If we hadn’t lost in the Sakura Tag League this week, we’d have been jobbed to STRiFE eventually.

BLOBBY remains hunkered down, full mard-mode engaged, on the floor.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

We can blame it on the jet-lag, it can’t be easy stepping off a plane direct from the World Cup Final and into a J-ROK match.

Ignoring the Septugenarian Scamp, BLOBBY picks up a Sherbert Dib-Dab and snaps it open.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

You did everything I asked…

NOEL EDMODNDS (CONT’D)

You managed damage control on Brand Beckham for abandoning his Gay Icon status for money he didn’t need.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

You tried your hardest to knock the Welsh out…Luckily for us, it’s peak mating season for the Sheep and the Welsh are wank.

BLOBBY shrugs as he pulls out a Disney dollar almost certainly pilfered from Marty Donovan at some point. Rolling it up, he places it on the table.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

And you stopped Harry Kane from getting a knighthood before me.

At the mention of the last accomplishment, BLOBBY cracks a smile for just a brief moment.

MR BLOBBY

BLOBMO!

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

And yes, you still lived through the carnage of rooming with Elmo.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

I NEED you, Blob. Someone, most likely Jabroni, has set me, right up!

MR BLOBBY

BLOB! BLOB BLU!!

NOEL EDMONDS

I don’t care if he’s in Europe filming Despicable DP: The Rise of Goo. It had to be him!

BLOBBY once more shrugs.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

He set me up! WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE IN GUNS: FIGHT CLUB?....THEY HAVE A FUCKING BEAR!

Hiding his face, BLOBBY lets out a wry smile.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

I’m put on a team where the Captain has more synthetic parts than Donatella Versace! My only luck is that I’m only involved in the soccer match on the first show and I’ve got form for that!

We cut to a picture on the mantelpiece.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Otherwise, I’m cooked! What’s worse is - we’ve got to get into a ring with him! An actual ring with Dylan Black! Does it look bad if we hit the team captain? Do we exchange pennants like it’s a European Soccer match from the Eighties??

BLOBBY rolls his eyes.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

That’s a whole different story though. I’ve got a plan…

EDMONDS pulls a page over the top of a flipchart he has set up:

EDMONDS has commandeered the full-attention of his tag-team partner.

MR BLOBBY

BLOB! BLOBBY!

BLOBBY has started to mime the bear biting his head off.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

You could slip out of it, Blob. Besides, if you don’t want to do it then it’s okay. I’ll just die inside the cage. GUNS will HAVE to honor me, it’s in my contract. Every year the XHF Network will see them put on the GUNS Don’t Kill People, Bears Do: Noel Edmonds Memorial Night. I might even get inducted into the XHF Hall of Fame with….and….those people!

EDMONDS suddenly remembers something.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

How about if we see it as a favour? You do that for me and wear the Edmonds suit and in the Wargames I’ve got your back.

He turns the flipchart once more.

BLOBBY looks HORRIFIED!!

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

This is how it’s going to be Blobby! I’m the face of this team. I’m the brains, I’m the one who was the reason we were the XHF Champions last year! You do the fancy stuff in the ring but someone has to piece it together. I’m the Cornette to your Omega, the McMahon to your Russo! What would you be doing if I wasn’t here?

BLOBBY lifts up the DVD case next to him.

BLOBBY presses play.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

ENOUGH! We need to focus. There’s at least half a dozen X*Crown Champions in the match and luckily, they’ve divided them equally. Makes you wonder why Cromwell and Charles couldn’t do that but then again, if it was now it’d be a Netflix special designed to keep the Daily Mail commenter busy for Christmas!

BLOBBY starts to doodle.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Focus! Stop thinking about that bloody cardboard cut-out! Think about the fact that we’re facing Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black, Spike Kane and PRICE!

MR BLOBBY

BLOB?

NOEL EDMONDS

I don’t know who Price is either but I felt like leaving him out was unfair. Kane has literally been to hell and I don’t mean Merthyr Tydfil! I’m talking real flames, tridents up the jacksy and perma-blue balls hell! He sent his own brother there! How are WE going to deal with that?

MR BLOBBY

BLOB! BLOB-BON!

NOEL EDMONDS

You know moves! I don’t know moves! He’s going to be annoyed after being beaten by the understudy of Steve Irwin’s understudy in Tap Out. He’s going to be pissed that he’ll never find out who won the NLW G1! He’s going to be mad that you look like a walking swatch for TikTok influencers!

MR BLOBBY

BLOK!!!

NOEL EDMONDS

He HATES TikTok and you know why? Because he’s not an idiot! He didn’t watch Wednesday on Netflix and then go do a dance! He’s joined by Jesse Jamester who equally can’t dance. Then there’s Dylan Black…

BLOBBY starts to do the Robot dance.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Not funny, Blob. Black took the X*Crown around the circuit, he did the full loop then lost to Adrien Cochrane because he made too much money.

A cocked eyebrow from BLOBBY.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

It’s true, he lost to Cochrane because he needed a tax write-off for the year. What better way than a clear and not even hidden loss to the Cajun Sensation! The only way he could have made it more obvious was to present him with a bowl of Gumbo when he handed over the title! The man wants to kill us! I hoped the soccer match was before the Wargames match but no, no chance for me to nutmeg Bloodied Fox and score the winner. No time for me to wow him with my story about watching Joe Gaetens, just pure pain awaits now. He’s going to take one look at us and decide that we’re the easy ones to beat. He can’t take down Rat Bastard, everytime he gets put down he comes back stronger and more obnoxious. He can’t put Steve Awesome on the shelf because that’ll compromise whatever movie he’s working on that’ll be on SyFy before Ryan Seacrest has kicked his New Year’s Nookie partner out of bed!

MR BLOBBY

BLOBB?

NOEL EDMONDS

The other side isn’t any better, Blob. More Bang Bros! It’ll make you wish we were facing the Foghorn Leghorn fellow or Mr Matosis, his rabbit-like friend!

MR BLOBBY

BLOBBEDY?

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

The Academy can’t help you now, Blob. We haven’t got time to learn the art of Chant-sistency. We’ve lost our last two matches, we’re out-of-form, we’re off boil…this is all going terribly. Why do you think I want you to consume me so I can become a temporary foetus?

MR BLOBBY

BLOB!!

NOEL EDMONDS

I’m not a big fish, Blob, I’m not a big fish….I’M NOT EVEN A FISH! They’re not even the worst part of their team. I’ll leave the worst til last but have you seen who they brought out of retirement? Albino Brian May! You know that the Albino members of the species are always the most violent, live the most sheltered lives. The Bang Bros know this. They know that when Harry sees those big house lights hit, he’ll go berserk! What could you possibly say to a man like that?

MR BLOBBY

BLOBB BLO BLOB BLOB.

NOEL EDMONDS

Please, I don’t feel good? Really, Blob? That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Harry. No! He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm gonna pull you head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head."

BLOBBY panics and sniffs the entire dib-dab in one hit.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Why’s he in the Civil War? He’s a merc! He’s Arnie in Predator and we haven’t got access to mud!

MR BLOBBY

BLOD?

NOEL EDMONDS

No, I don’t think it’d hide us from him but he probably wouldn’t want to ruin the luscious volume of his hair. He probably knew Fabio!

BLOBBY looks lost.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

It doesn’t matter, Blob, because we haven’t even gotten to the worst of it yet. That’s the current X*Crown Champion. The man who can’t explain where he was in the early nineties but he does get saluted at Sarajevo Airports and he definitely has the stamps to back it up! Do you know what he does to people in his way?

BLOBBY pulls out a Zoran action figure, complete with Flick-Action Stabbing Movement.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Of course you hero-worship him but ask yourself this. Have you ever bled in the match?

BLOBBY shakes his head.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

I protect you from that. I protect you from more than you know. Do you think Sainovic is going to sign your doll in the ring? No! He’s going to stab you, he’s going to stab you and you won’t protect me so I’m going to be having my head caved in by literally anyone else! Do you think the Awesome Bastards are going to have your back! Of course not, RAT BASTARD PROBABLY HAS A BETTING LINE ON WHAT COLOUR YOU BLEED!

BLOBBY starts to shake.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

So, Blobby. If you won’t let me gestate inside you to save my old, puckered skin. What do you have?

BLOBBY presses a button and an image is projected onto the wall.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

We’re fucked, Blobby! FUCKED! How are we getting a tank into Pennsylvania? We’re English! The last time an Englishman tried that, Washington D.C. realized the cannon wasn’t to celebrate National Waffle Day 1814!! We need to think. You need to think. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, BLOBBY? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THOSE EIGHT-INCH FLICK KNIVES RUN WILD ON YOU!!!!!

BLOBBY rushes out of shot.

OFF-SCREEN, we hear a door slame.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Bugger...