Hava Nagila Baby! (Curtis RP, OVN3)

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

**Fade in. A chapel dressing room**

*Curtis is button up a suit.*

: This is a big day, perhaps the most important day of my life. And where are my "bros?" Where are the men that said they'd have my back no matter what? They are out there, PLOTTING HOW TO HURT ME! Instead of being here and supporting me on this momentous occasion. I mean, at least I have El Combatiente. But now, I had to invite my two new friends to take the places of the other two. Now I stand in front of two men I barely know for this big moment. They will be in today's photos forever! It could've been you Steve! It could've been you Spike! But you both threw me aside! I know you're not mad at El Combatiente, he's just a boy. And loyal as fuck. But to torture me so! Did I really make it that terrible for you? Did I really allow this rift betwixt the three of us? I'm… sorry.

*Curtis slumps down into a chair. The bottom button of his suit goes flying off.*

: Well that's just great. Anyway, I'm truly sorry it has come to this. I should have nipped this in the butt when I had the chance. I should have kicked Price to the curb, that good for nothing prick. I should have knocked Rat Bastard out the moment he came sniffing around. They poisoned you both. They killed the BANG! Bros union. And you don't realize it. You just deny deny, getting gaslit by your "buddies." Brothers are supposed to be stronger than buddies!

*Curtis sheds a tear.*

: And also, brothers know how to hit worse than anyone. Spike recruited a freaking lizard monster, and one half of the only team to ever defeat El BANG! Hermanos. And Steve, he recruited the only team to ever defeat him and I, which includes my sworn enemy, my white whale. .. Blobby…

*Curtis gazes into the vastness of space as he recites his mortal enemy's name.*

: But I'm a brother too damnit! Everyone forgets, I brought the BANG! Bros together, I made the ultimate team! And if anyone knows how to destroy it with another team, it's me! Sure, I've seen Zoran dismantle Steve, but I went to war with him myself a few weeks ago, that's when I realized I could utilize him. He already knows how to dissect Steve, the Rat and the Bottom Boys have no chance. As for Harold. It took a lot of favors to get him to come out of his cave, but it's worth it. Spike wants to bring the Pillars of Violence, then I'm bringing the foundation! Hardcore Harry was splitting people open with barware two by fours before any of our opponents had ever even seen their first thumbtack!

*Curtis stands up, anger in his eyes, pain in his heart, and fire under his ass!*

: People always call me the crazy one! Crazy like a fox I say! Steve and Spike know me, they know not to count me out. They know how to counter me. So I've set counters to their counters. Because lest we forget. Spike lives in violence. Steve lives in entertainment. But I live in battle! I come for war knowing what my enemy has, knowing what is it at stake, and having the best possible plan to win the day and earn my place in Valhalla! It's funny that they call it civil war. There ain't nothing gonna be civil about it. Brother versus brother versus brother. May the best brother win, brother. And that will be the one that makes every other brother feel… the… BANG!

*Curtis slams his fist into the wall, busting a hole into the chapel wall. Curtis removes his hand as his nostrils flare. The nostrils slow down as his anger level subsides. His eyes widen as he realizes what he's done. He quickly looks around and decides to move an armoire to cover the whole. Almost as he's done, their's a knock at the door.*

: Uh, come in!

*President Obama peaks his head in.*

: Hey, we're ready to get this show on the road, are you?

: Sure thing buddy!

*Curtis puts on a sash and a hat and looks ready for what’s next…



Curtis leaves the room and walks down a hall with his buddy Obama.*

: This is… the weirdest event I’ve been to. And I’ve been to some weird shit.

: It must be done. You know me, always spinning multiple plates. I am focused on defeating my enemies at Oh Violent Night, but I’m also pushing my other agenda. I’m putting the pieces in place to capture my next title after I’ve dealt with the turncoats.

*They arrive at a double door.*

: I get it, but this? Well, I suppose this is better than that other thing we stopped you from doing. Curtis D. Kanyon…

*Obama opens the door to a ball room full of people.*

: WELCOME TO YOUR BEAR MITZVAH!

*The crowd of people cheer as Curtis enters the room. He waves. Mrs. Kanyon runs up to him.*

: Oh honey, what a wonderful, fun party! And so much less mess than fooling around with a twink.

: Yeah, just glad I had a friend who could help me out with this.

: Curtis! Hey bud, glad I could help. …Hello nurse.

: Oh, he’s involved? Nevermind, this may be more of a mess.

*Esmerelda walks away looking disgusted.*

: I had no idea you were a rabbi.

: I have many, many secrets.

: I also had many, many secrets kept from me. Secrets don’t make friends.

*Everyone looks at George W.*

: What?

*Zoran appears from out of nowhere and is standing behind Curtis and Obama. Curtis turns and sees him.*

: Ah! I mean, whoa, what’s up Zoran? Happy you could make it homie!

: Of course, team bonding and all zat. I was also told zere would be accoutrements? Little Vienna sausages and such?

: Oh yeah, I like those little weinnies.

*Zoran looks disgusted.*

: I can immediately tell zat I do not like you.

: Heh heh, that’s okay, he’s an acquired taste. Move along Bush. Zoran, thanks for joining the cause bud. As a Thorite, I love a glorious battle, and you took me to my limit a few weeks ago. And stepping up after Steve hit me with my own hammer? I can’t thank you enough.

: Well, I don’t much care for Steve. And as a man with a signature weapon of my own, I don’t like when people use mine on me, so I felt for you.

: I’m glad you get it. I can’t wait to see you kick our opponents teeth down their throats with Jawbreaker Superkicks!

: I do not do ze “super… kick.”

: Oh, fuck, I’m sorry, force of habit. Ha ha… awkward. Anyway… I uh… oh look, Harry made it! I should go say hi.

*Curtis awkwardly slinks away.*

: Hey! Geraldo!

*Curtis runs up and pats the big man on the shoulder.*

: Hrumph?

: Thanks for joining the team! And thanks for coming out to the Bear Mitzvah!

: Rrrrr.

: Look like a bit of bear yourself, eh? Heh heh. So how’d you get here today, a Hell portal?

: Uh…what?

: You know, how you travel between places quickly?

: Only people going to hell are our opponents.

: Oh, yeah, right. That’s not you. Nevermind. Good to see you pal.

*Curtis walks away. Boris walks up to Harry holding a few toothpicks with Vienna sausages on them.*

: Little wieny?

: No, it’s massive. Ask your wife.

*Boris gulps a sausage and backs away. El Combatiente runs up to Curtis.*

: (Curtis! I am so happy to be invited to your big event. But I must ask, should we not be using this time to bond the team?)

: (That’s why you’re the best buddy! Of course, and that’s exactly what this is. What better than a monumental moment in someone’s life to truly bond people together. Don’t worry man, just be ready when called upon.)

*Just then, Rabbi Clinton waves Curtis over to join him. The rest of the room continues to meander and chit chat. Curtis rushes over and they talk for a few seconds, then Clinton turns to the room.*

: Ladies and gentlemen!

*The room continues to do their own thing.*

: Ladies and gentlemen!

*Still, no one is paying attention.*

: I’ll need to get my assistant for this.

*Bill goes into a nearby door, and then returns out with Dinosaur Bones!*

: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE BEAR MITZVAH IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE! CURTIS WILL MAKE THE FIRST CUT OF BEAR AND THEN WE WILL PASS IT AROUND!

: Bones, for the last time, we are not eating bear! We're christening Curtis as one.

: …MY MISTAKE! THERE WILL BE NO CONSUMPTION OF BEAR! BUT STILL, PAY ATTENTION!

: Enough clowning around, pass me the foreskin remover doohikey assistant Bones.

: I don’t need that, I'm already circumcised.

: Oh. Then what do we do at a Bear Mitzva? Eh. I'll just wing it.

: Like you did with Bosnia?

: Don't you go throwing stones!

: Hey, argue about your shitty foreign policies on your own time.

: Right. Sorry. Now we will light the Kinara as we focus on the principles of Umoja and Kujichagulia, now let us–

: Wait a minute, that’s Kwanzaa!

: I don’t care what the ritual is called.

: Look, when I went to get my rabbi license, I may have… gotten it by not taking a test… and going the “no clothes, all hands, and a few cigars in all the wrong places” route.

: Are you serious?

: Yes. But I still have a license!

: HE IS STILL IN CHARGE!

: I wish I was still in charge.

: So, let’s skip reading the Ayatolla, and move right to the end. Bring your three best friends. We will begin the Seudat!

*Dinosaur Bones brings over a chair for Curtis to sit on. It’s on a small platform with handles. Curtis sits and Dinosaur Bones and El Combatiente grab one on each side. Zoran walks over and looks at the situation and does not look happy to be roped into this ceremony. Harold isn’t even paying attention as he’s giving Boris Johnson a wedgie. Another guest alerts him where he is supposed to be and he saunters over.*

: What is this shit?

: You must lift him to start the Seudat!

: Fuck you, I ain’t no hippie sheep follower.

: If he is not doing it, I am not doing it.

: But guys, it’s my big day! I finally get to become a bear!

: I’m starting to think this isn’t even a real ceremony.

: Why don’t you just bone a twink?

: I tried. It’s surprisingly harder than I thought it would be.

: ¡Eso es lo que ella dijo!
(That’s what she said!)

: Don’t yell at me!

: He wasn’t yelling.

: Calm down Harold! Ze war is not today!

: Don’t tell me to calm down!

: I’m the X*Crown champion, I can tell who I want what I want!

: Guys, it’s not a big deal, we can skip this custom.

*Harry and Zoran get nose to nose.*

: I was called upon to bring violence, I don’t much care who is on the receiving end!

: I will gut you before you could count to zree!

: SPIKE! STEVE! STOP THIS!

*The entire room gets silent. Curtis covers his mouth. He quickly gets up and tries to hide behind the chair. Zoran and Harry look at the hiding Curtis, then each other, then El Combatiente. Combatiente motions them to go to Curtis. They each peak around the chair to sese Curtis in a fetal position.*

: Hey buddy, you doing okay?

: We didn’t mean to freak you out.

: Zese former friends of yours really messed you up in ze head, eh?

: More than you already were of course.

*Curtis nods his head.*

: Well, we are going to torture zem.

: And maim them.

*Curtis pulls his head up.*

: Yeah?

: You know it. That’s literally why I’m here.

: Me too.

: Okay. OKAY! Let’s go kick some ass!

*Curtis stands up ready to fight. El Combatiente taps him on the shoulder.*

: (But first, the Bear Mitzvah)

: Oh right!

*Harry shoves Curtis into the chair, and the three men and a dinosaur lift Curtis into the air.*

: Ladies and gentlemen, no longer a man, may I present a bear!

: SHALOM!

*The crowd of guests cheer! Curtis looks elated on the shoulders of his partners as the scene fades out.*

**Fade out.**