Walking in a Bastards Wonderland
Dec 21, 2022 9:30:42 GMT -5
edwarddubin0604, Frank Windsor, and 1 more like this
Post by robriot on Dec 21, 2022 9:30:42 GMT -5
“Sleigh bells ring - are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
A beautiful sight; we're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland.”
Everybody knows that song. It's one of the all-time great Christmas songs, and it's a perfect fit for the time of year. There's nothing especially Christmassy about the view in front of the camera, though. It's just a plain, undecorated table of the kind that you might have in your kitchen.
“Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird…”
It takes you a while to realise that the person singing the song is not, in fact, Tony Bennett but Rob Riot. He's got some pipes, that lad. What's going on here?
It doesn't take long to get an answer. Frank Windsor, wearing a Christmas hat and grinning in a deeply unsettling way, wanders past the table in the background. He's got one of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Championships on each shoulder. He keeps the hat on but deposits the two tag titles on the table, side by side. Offering the camera a wink, he then wanders off.
Next up, we have Rob Riot, still singing "Winter Wonderland" as he appears in the shot. On his shoulder, he has his newly-won Wrestle:UK Commonwealth Championship. Like Frank, he's wearing a Santa hat. Also like Frank, he takes his title belt off and places it on top of the tag belts, straddling both of them in the middle. Riot also winks, and Riot also walks off, still singing.
Finally, we have Billy Fowler. Most viewers have probably guessed what's coming. The Santa hat-wearing giant steps into the shot and adds his Wrestle:UK World Heavyweight Championship on top of the pile. We now have two tag title belts on the bottom, the Commonwealth Championship in the middle, and the World Heavyweight Championship at the top. You know, when they're arranged like that, they almost look a bit like a…
Riot and Windsor step back into the shot and throw tinsel all over The Bastards' hardware collection. That completes the look. The assembled belts look like a Christmas tree. All three Bastards now join together in song.
“In the meadow, we can build a snowman,
We’ll pretend that he is Parson Brown…”
Windsor breaks off.
Windsor: Who the fuck is Parson Brown?
Riot: I dunno, the song never specifies.
Fowler: He’s a Parson, obviously.
Windsor: Like Chris Parsons?
Fowler: Wrong promotion.
Riot: Lads, the camera?
A brief pause while The Bastards remember what they’re there for, and then they press on.
Windsor: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
Fowler: A time of giving. A time of receiving. Not in a sex way, but in a spiritual and metaphysical way. Maybe also in a sex way if you're lucky. So here, we give you something that you don't have at home.
Riot: We're sure you all have a Christmas tree up - well, maybe not our international audience but certainly most of you good God-fearing Brits - but none of you have a Christmas tree like ours. And do you know why? Because our Christmas tree isn't made of wood, pine or plastic. It's made of success. It's made of blood. It's made of sweat and tears, but most of all, it's made of promises. Promises that we made you one year ago and kept. Boys, I'll take it from here.
Windsor and Fowler nod and depart the scene to the left and right. Riot stands alone, leaning over The Bastards' makeshift Christmas tree of championship belts.
Riot: I don't know how many of you were watching us last year when we were still in NPW. You should have been. If you were, you'll remember me making a promise as 2021 prepared to give way to 2022. I told you that 2021 had been about the comeback of The Bastards, but 2022 would be about domination. I told the whole world that what we did to the pro wrestling industry in 2022 would make what we did in 2021 look like a child's birthday party. Well, how did I do, wrestling fans? Every championship belt in Wrestle:UK except one is piled up in front of you, and the one that's missing is chicken feed. Don't worry - Frank's gonna come for it anyway - but look at it for a second. Really, properly look. These titles are what you came here for, yet they're locked up. They're held down. They belong to the only faction worth watching in pro wrestling today. Yet still the pretenders come. The has-beens or would-be kings and queens. People like Stevens and Van Zandt.
Riot snorts in a manner most derisory.
Riot: I'm glad Van Zandt came round from the last beating I gave him in time to make this date, but what in the hell makes him think he's got it in him to score a different result this time? What makes Stevens, who apparently made it his New Year's Resolution for 2022 to fade away into irrelevancy, think he's got a shot at taking something The Bastards own? Yes, you heard me correctly. I didn't say "hold." I said, "own." Nobody's beaten The Bastards for the tag team championships for more than eighteen months, whether we're talking about this promotion or the last one, and we're not done yet. This is only the beginning. They're still at the core of everything we do. In fact, I've got another promise to make.
Riot holds one finger up to the camera.
Riot: In 2021, I promised you the greatest comeback the wrestling world had ever seen. We delivered it.
He holds up a second finger.
Riot: In 2022, I promised you domination. Well, the titles are on the table, folks. I don't need to tell you whether we achieved it or not; the hardware speaks for itself. So what's next?
Up comes the third finger, and his expression darkens.
Riot: 2022 was about domination. 2023 is about destruction. 2023 is the year The Bastards complete the collection, take the LWA Legendary Championship, maybe take the dumb-as-fuck X*Crown too, and destroy everyone who steps up to the plate. Boys and girls, we've spent two years building the pro wrestling world up - and now we're going to knock it down. You think you're the right men to stop us?
He picks up the haul of title belts in both arms.
Riot: We dare you to try. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Fake snow falls across Riot’s shoulders as the scene fades out.
In the lane, snow is glistening.
A beautiful sight; we're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland.”
Everybody knows that song. It's one of the all-time great Christmas songs, and it's a perfect fit for the time of year. There's nothing especially Christmassy about the view in front of the camera, though. It's just a plain, undecorated table of the kind that you might have in your kitchen.
“Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird…”
It takes you a while to realise that the person singing the song is not, in fact, Tony Bennett but Rob Riot. He's got some pipes, that lad. What's going on here?
It doesn't take long to get an answer. Frank Windsor, wearing a Christmas hat and grinning in a deeply unsettling way, wanders past the table in the background. He's got one of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Championships on each shoulder. He keeps the hat on but deposits the two tag titles on the table, side by side. Offering the camera a wink, he then wanders off.
Next up, we have Rob Riot, still singing "Winter Wonderland" as he appears in the shot. On his shoulder, he has his newly-won Wrestle:UK Commonwealth Championship. Like Frank, he's wearing a Santa hat. Also like Frank, he takes his title belt off and places it on top of the tag belts, straddling both of them in the middle. Riot also winks, and Riot also walks off, still singing.
Finally, we have Billy Fowler. Most viewers have probably guessed what's coming. The Santa hat-wearing giant steps into the shot and adds his Wrestle:UK World Heavyweight Championship on top of the pile. We now have two tag title belts on the bottom, the Commonwealth Championship in the middle, and the World Heavyweight Championship at the top. You know, when they're arranged like that, they almost look a bit like a…
Riot and Windsor step back into the shot and throw tinsel all over The Bastards' hardware collection. That completes the look. The assembled belts look like a Christmas tree. All three Bastards now join together in song.
“In the meadow, we can build a snowman,
We’ll pretend that he is Parson Brown…”
Windsor breaks off.
Windsor: Who the fuck is Parson Brown?
Riot: I dunno, the song never specifies.
Fowler: He’s a Parson, obviously.
Windsor: Like Chris Parsons?
Fowler: Wrong promotion.
Riot: Lads, the camera?
A brief pause while The Bastards remember what they’re there for, and then they press on.
Windsor: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
Fowler: A time of giving. A time of receiving. Not in a sex way, but in a spiritual and metaphysical way. Maybe also in a sex way if you're lucky. So here, we give you something that you don't have at home.
Riot: We're sure you all have a Christmas tree up - well, maybe not our international audience but certainly most of you good God-fearing Brits - but none of you have a Christmas tree like ours. And do you know why? Because our Christmas tree isn't made of wood, pine or plastic. It's made of success. It's made of blood. It's made of sweat and tears, but most of all, it's made of promises. Promises that we made you one year ago and kept. Boys, I'll take it from here.
Windsor and Fowler nod and depart the scene to the left and right. Riot stands alone, leaning over The Bastards' makeshift Christmas tree of championship belts.
Riot: I don't know how many of you were watching us last year when we were still in NPW. You should have been. If you were, you'll remember me making a promise as 2021 prepared to give way to 2022. I told you that 2021 had been about the comeback of The Bastards, but 2022 would be about domination. I told the whole world that what we did to the pro wrestling industry in 2022 would make what we did in 2021 look like a child's birthday party. Well, how did I do, wrestling fans? Every championship belt in Wrestle:UK except one is piled up in front of you, and the one that's missing is chicken feed. Don't worry - Frank's gonna come for it anyway - but look at it for a second. Really, properly look. These titles are what you came here for, yet they're locked up. They're held down. They belong to the only faction worth watching in pro wrestling today. Yet still the pretenders come. The has-beens or would-be kings and queens. People like Stevens and Van Zandt.
Riot snorts in a manner most derisory.
Riot: I'm glad Van Zandt came round from the last beating I gave him in time to make this date, but what in the hell makes him think he's got it in him to score a different result this time? What makes Stevens, who apparently made it his New Year's Resolution for 2022 to fade away into irrelevancy, think he's got a shot at taking something The Bastards own? Yes, you heard me correctly. I didn't say "hold." I said, "own." Nobody's beaten The Bastards for the tag team championships for more than eighteen months, whether we're talking about this promotion or the last one, and we're not done yet. This is only the beginning. They're still at the core of everything we do. In fact, I've got another promise to make.
Riot holds one finger up to the camera.
Riot: In 2021, I promised you the greatest comeback the wrestling world had ever seen. We delivered it.
He holds up a second finger.
Riot: In 2022, I promised you domination. Well, the titles are on the table, folks. I don't need to tell you whether we achieved it or not; the hardware speaks for itself. So what's next?
Up comes the third finger, and his expression darkens.
Riot: 2022 was about domination. 2023 is about destruction. 2023 is the year The Bastards complete the collection, take the LWA Legendary Championship, maybe take the dumb-as-fuck X*Crown too, and destroy everyone who steps up to the plate. Boys and girls, we've spent two years building the pro wrestling world up - and now we're going to knock it down. You think you're the right men to stop us?
He picks up the haul of title belts in both arms.
Riot: We dare you to try. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Fake snow falls across Riot’s shoulders as the scene fades out.