The List [ZS CWG 01]

[mosler]

Nat King Cole echoes through corridors that are both hopelessly overcrowded and terribly lonely. Tinsel wraps nicely around a nurses station, reflecting the multi-coloured lights of a Christmas tree standing on the edge of a waiting room. Filled to capacity, this area sees worried parents try to comfort their sick tots over the course of hours. A monitor on the ceiling plays local news on mute, the only sound to drown out the whimpers being a steady stream of holiday songs.

The hallways feature a bright mural painted by patients – this tapestry of playful animals, has been partially covered by new crayon based sketches with holiday themes. A few hundred cards dot this sentimental tunnel, most featuring messages of thanks directed at favourite doctors. It is clear that genuine efforts have been made to transform the detached, clinical environment into something festive. Yet the jingles barely mask the code reds. This particularly medical facility is Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta, but it could be any paediatric practitioner this time of year. Painfully depressing.

“HO! HO! HO!”

The camera follows the sound of laughter to catch up with jolly old Saint Nick. Doing the rounds, Santa Claus now finds himself in the children’s burn ward. A six-year-old, Lily, sits on his knee.

Santa Claus:
And what do you want for Christmas, Lily?

Nervous, or perhaps because of medication, all that comes out is a stream of vomit across Santa’s lap.  The young girl looks mortified, and starts to cry. Her trauma isn’t aided by a number of other children suggesting this puking incident will put her on the naughty list.

Santa Claus:
Why Lily – I zought my outfit was looking too red, zank you for adding a splash of green-

The child continues to border on tears. Reaching over with his one good arm, Santa grabs a fistful of Jell-O from a nearby dinner tray.

Santa Claus:
But I prefer blue!

With that, Santa mashes the blue Jell-O into his face. This gets a stunned silence. Until Donna, five, throws some cereal at him. A food fight follows. Most children mindful of their dressings; decide to make Santa the target of their nutritional abuse. When the third fistful of beans is tossed at him, Lily finally cracks a smile.

Santa Claus:
Zanks kids – who needs milk and cookies when I’ve got... so much hospital food.

Reaching into his bag, Santa Claus pulls out a large present and hands it to Lily.

Santa Claus:
WAIT! No, purple? No one has any purple food?

Kids:
NO!

Santa Claus:
But I’ve still got a spot on my shoulder. I’d look REALLY fashionable with a glob of purple on it. Nothing?

Kids:
NOOOOOO!

Santa Claus:
I need to complete zis ensemble, so I’ll be back in a minute-

Leaving the children to their play, Santa Claus limps off into the hallway. The manifestation of consumer goods hasn’t walked straight since Off the Wagon punched him in the crotch a thousand times. Wiping away food, Santa hobbles over to a broom closet, when he spots one of this wing’s regulars. Martin, age six.

Santa Claus:
HO! HO! HO! Why is zat Martin, I see? I was wondering where you got off too – didn’t see you or Billie in zere.

Martin:
We aren’t friends anymore.

Santa Claus:
Zat's a shame.

Martin:
Billie said you weren’t real, and if you were real you’d make us better, instead of toys. And he said I was a baby for believing in you.

Santa Claus:
Well, he shouldn’t have said zat-

Martin:
He is such a jerk! That’ll get him on the naughty list for sure.

Santa Claus:
Oh you have to do a lot more zan zat to get off ze nice list.

Martin:
But there are two lists-

Santa Claus:
Oh zere are. ...A nice list, and... (eyes narrow) an enemies’ list. (broad smile) And I assure you, Billie isn’t on my enemies list. In fact... it sounds like he’s having a rough holiday.

Martin:
Doesn’t give him the right to be a jerk.

Santa Claus:
No, no it doesn’t. But if Billie has a hard time believing in me, zat is fine. I understand. You two have different views. It’s not worth zrowing your friendship away over what you don’t have in common; just remember all ze zings you do.

Martin:
I guess...

Santa Claus:
Look, all ze other kids are having a good time with me. I imagine Billie is feeling pretty miserable right now, all alone.  He might even want to join us, but he doesn’t want to admit zat he’s wrong. He doesn’t have to come down, but if you’re just going to stand around out here instead of joining us, wouldn’t you rather spend time with him, Martin?

Martin:
I guess.

Santa Claus:
Give your friendship a chance. If Billie is still being grouchy, I’m here all night.

Martin:
Thanks Santa.

The child runs off to reconcile with his friend. Making sure the coast is clear, Santa V-lines for the broom closet. Before he can open it, a number of custodial members arrive to clean up the food fight. Finding the atmosphere to by chilly, Saint Nick starts to head for an unoccupied curtain in triage – only to find every child on the floor looking at him. Smiling, Santa heads for the stairs.

---

A door swings open, as Santa Claus makes his way out onto the roof. The snow is relatively light. No sooner does the spirit of mass consumption feel the cold night air, then he tears off his fake beard to reveal the current X*Crown champion. Shocking. Seconds after the facial hair disappears, a cigarette is pressed against thin lips. It is incredibly hard to smoke in hospitals.

Puffing away like it’s been half an hour since his last nicotine fix, the XHF Devil turns his gaze towards the camera.

Zoran Sainovic:

Seasons Greetings XHF…

An extension of his work with the make-a-wish foundation, being covered in vomit is the reward that drove Sainovic to his record setting crown win.

Zoran Sainovic:

Civil War Games. Wow. No matter which CIVIL WAR zey’re referencing with ze wordplay – which includes likening zeir tiff to ending slavery – lets give BANG ze benefit of ze doubt and say zey like ze Captain America movie entirely too much, (cringe) zey are still overreaching.

Since his Overheated humbling, the champion has made every effort to play nice, and soften his serial killer image. Viewers are unable to tell if trembling lips are due to the cold or rage, but recognize the harsh tone here as CLASSIC Zoran.

Zoran Sainovic:

...in ze period following End of Days... I have tried to present other facets of myself... a warm, gentler champion... zat tradition will continue, but for Oh Violent Night... let us forgo any pretence zat I look at any of you as human beings. I am ze closest zing zis Network has to kindness, but Civil War Games? I’m willing to loose ze chains zat bind ze animal in me.

I will be your devil.

El Combatiante has unleashed me on you... making him ze second worst person in zis match.

Did you actually zink Rat was ze villain of zis piece? What a joke. He’s practically ze best member of BANG’s rag tag outfit. Certainly more of a bro zan Velez. Make Rat ze corrupting influence? ...Only one person has spent ze 2022 calendar year spilling BANG blood across every venue zat would have us.

See I have an enemies list. Blobby. Murder Lizard. Infinitely Stabbable Price. Basically if you’re in zis match, you’re probably an acquaintance of a BANG Bro and may have celebrated Steve’s Overheated victory. With ze exception of Dylan Black, who I recognize as a championship rival, ze rest of you are all on my Enemies’ List...

Oh look everyone... ze Pillars of Violence found a way to get back to ze main event of zeir own show. Apparently all zey needed to do was remove title fights, not invite Fox, provide ze infrastructure and allow twelve people to headline. Good zinking fellas. I just feel sorry for Mistress on ze undercard, because ze rest of zis show? Appears like zey were offering free cookies at a methadone clinic.

Not going to lie Pillars, ze Violent Night where you opened for me, looked WAY better on paper. ...And zat was a Christmas zemed summer show.

But who am I to zrow shade at Steve’s love letter to ze triangle elimination match from Uncensored 1997? It takes magnificent testosterone to use every ounce of Network goodwill one ever mustered to cap off TWO YEARS OF FORCE FEEDING an insipid bromance down ze fans throats… with a TRIBUTE to a match zat most people dislike. I’m guessing Steve’s team Piper in zis scenario? Whatever floats your boat, McMichael. You can be Mongo for a day.

Between ze BANG Brawl and Civil War, zis ego trip is really putting a damper on my Crown run. Ruined so many plans. On Christmas Eve, I could be spending ze holidays with family, you know, defending against Death Trap over in REIGN – but instead I find myself here. With you...

What for? You’re going to reunite... we all know it... oh you might go your separate ways for a time, but in a few months you’ll still bust out a “shocking reunion” for Call to Arms 4. Zis event is as cynical... as it is superficial.

I’m going to fix zat. ...I’m going to fix you.

HURT YOU until you see just how much you care about one another.

When zese War Games finally conclude, I will once again set my eyes on incorporating ze Fireside championship into MY CROWN. And when I have my inevitable rematch, even if you aren’t all doing fucking barbecues, I want Spike, Steve, EL... to have a hard time watching what I do to Kanyon. I have my own reasons for flailing him – but for zat added trauma? I will save ze BANG Bros.

Save zem ze only way I know how... stomach-churning violence.

Spike. Ze last time you scraped by, you needed magic. Zis time it is going to take a Christmas Miracle.

Rat. Want one last go with ze crown? Why not cash in ze NCW title? Or would you rather earn your shot ze old fashioned way – by not beating, Diamond?

Steve. We’re approaching ze anniversary of you ruining my event, now it’s time for me to return the favour.

XHF. When zey hose ze gore off ze ring, you know exactly who will be standing victorious. Zat was never in question. But for all ze bodies pulped for daring to accept BANG friendship, remember zat Team Kanyon will be ze survivors... as living witnesses to what happens when you catch ze Final Boss on a bad-fucking day.

With that, Sainovic stomps out his cigarette, and repositions his beard. The façade returns.  Double take!

Zoran Sainovic:

What are YOU doing here?

A certain dracolich CAR mechanic is also dressed as Santa.

Dinosaur Bones:

I CAME FOR APE MAMMARY SECRETIONS AND COOKIES!

Zoran Sainovic:

We can’t have two Santa’s, it will confuse ze kids!

Dinosaur Bones (shaking head in disgust):

THE PRIMATE MIND.

Zoran Sainovic:

I’ll give you half a pack of lifesavers to move your culinary larceny onto ze next building.

Dinosaur Bones:

STUPID APE, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR FAR LESS!

Grabbing the lifesavers, Dinosaur Bones charges off to the next rooftop.

Zoran Sainovic:

Now if you’ll excuse me... I have some bromances to save!

With that the Final Boss Santa stomps out his cigarette, heading back into the hospital to make sickly children happy.