Take your ball and Fuck Off [New Years Brawl #2]

[Spike Kane]

We open up on Spike lounging on the sofa in his cottage home in Belfast, with PRICE sat on the armchair, as Spike is flicking through the subjects on the XHF Network. He loads up the “Spike Kane” section, and starts flipping through the matches.

PRICE: You looking for?

Spike: I’m just trying to find the match Osland was talking about. It’s just hard to find, because I’ve been involved in so many different Night of Champions shows, they all kind of blur into one.

PRICE: He said it was NOC 12.

Spike: …it was a joke.

PRICE: Just kick his head in and be done with it.

Spike: I plan to. Oh, look. It’s the match where I retired the legendary Young Gun, James Mueller and became XHF Champion.

PRICE: You’re not talking to me, are you?

Spike: No, this is a promo.

PRICE: Aight…

PRICE hefts himself up from the chair, grabbing a pre-roll joint and heading outside. Spike chuckles to himself, and then switches the TV off, turning to face the camera.

You have to be the dumbest fucker on the planet. You stand there and rip apart the only ever "match" we've ever been in together as to how exactly it was not a wrestling match, and then try to lecture me? You said so yourself that it wasn't a wrestling match.

So which was it?

Are you lying, or stupid?

But yeah talk about how you made your way to Night of Champions because your shitty owner couldn't actually find a competitor, so you were the last choice? Bitch I've fought at more Night of Champions shows than you've had hot meals, and every single time?

I've earned my way there.

Makes a lot of sense to me though, being the SWAT representative and all, you do seem to embody everything that piss ant company stood for. You have the cheek to talk about my ego, which, as I’ve pointed out - is backed up with facts, then turn around with your elitist cuntish attitude?

Oh I’m sorry, I forgot. You don’t like “cuss” words do you?

Fucking North Americans are such pussies.

Okay, okay, so…Night of Champions 12. You lost. I lost. I came within a fingertips reach of being the X*Crown Champion but ultimately failed. Not too long after that though, I found myself the X*Crown Champion, and I even defended it against probably my greatest rival in the douchebag that is Steve Awesome - who was the End of Days winner.

What did you do again?

Oh, you took your ball and left.

Please continue to lecture me on how great you are, and how useless I am.

I'm not quite sure what being spread thin means though Osland.. I dunno, maybe you're jealous that I'm getting bookings and you're not? Well that's simply because not only am I welcome everywhere Osland.

I'm wanted.

Mongo himself pulled me out of hell to Wrestle for the XHF.

I’ve wrestled anywhere and everywhere because the name Spike Kane means something. It has a legacy attached to it, and it has an expectancy attached to it. When fans come to see Spike Kane, they expect carnage and violence, but not this chair-swinging idiot you seem to think I am, far from it. I go further than anyone else, I take things further than anyone else, and I’ll push you beyond the limits you set inside your closed mind. You seem to think that I’m all talk, even when evidence is provided to prove otherwise, but hey…I tried saying that last time didn’t I? You stupid cunts don’t listen.

I’m not tooting my own horn because I get off on it.

I’m giving you advance notice of who the fuck you’re stepping into the ring with.

I’m letting you know that countless idiots like you have stepped up to me over the past twenty six years, and every single one of them has fallen by my hand. Every single one of them has been humbled in the middle of that ring, and yet you still dismiss me as if I’m nothing. I can’t decide if you’re just an ignorant piece of shit, or if you’re that egotistical. I’m a marquee name everywhere I go Osland.

Meanwhile you fester in the dark corners of wrestling nobody wants any business with.

I haven’t stopped. I’ve fought for in FIRESIDE, GUNS, IPW, J-Rok, Tapout, and even Wrestle UK, because I am a commodity Osland. Because people know they can rely on me. I’ve carried three separate companies on my back, and it looks like I’m going to have to do the same for Wrestle UK. It’s not like you have the skillset, presence, or even charisma to pull it off. Instead, you pull a Psychotic Goth and completely switch up your pomo method because “irrelevant ickle Spikey” triggered you.

That is the least I’m going to do at New Years Brawl.

You can keep dreaming about having that Television Title wrapped around your waist, but when you wake up in the hospital, eating through a straw? You’ll realise you made the same mistake as everyone before you. You underestimated me. Fatal error Osland.

I’m Spike Kane.

That’s usually enough to set the expectations, but in your case I’ll go further. I’m the God of Xtreme, The Blood God, the God of Steel, and soon to be the God of TV.

There’s nothing you can do to stop it.

So when the dust settles, and you realise you failed yet again, you can take your ball and fuck off once more. I will still remain.

At this point PRICE pops his head in.

PRICE: You fuckin’ done yet, or what?

Spike: Almost, jeez. Give me a sec!

PRICE: Be careful you don’t go over the word count!

Spike: The what!?

PRICE: Nevermind. I didn’t say anything.

PRICE disappears back outside amongst the smoke.

You’ll learn like the others, there is only one Spike Kane.

All. Bloody. Hail.

We fade away.