Gun Show s4e3: This is Boxing Day
Dec 26, 2022 21:07:26 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 2 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Dec 26, 2022 21:07:26 GMT -5
Welcome to another Gun Show, but this time things seem different. No silly intro. The crowd is here and it’s packed, but other than a few rednecks no one is making a sound. The arena is dark except for the ring where the spotlight shines on one person standing in the center, El Rey. He stands calmly and quietly with a mic in hand. He clears his throat and raises the mic.
El Rey: This month we lost a member of the GUNS family. As the only member of the GUNS roster the didn’t grow up watching him ref major boxing bouts, ref celebrity death matches, or his very own judge show I was asked to be the one to make a major announcement honoring the legendary man.
El Rey pauses and clears his throat.
El Rey: So, in honor of Judge Mills Lane the courthouse here attached to the GUNS Arena will no longer be known as the Venom Courthouse. It will now be known as the Judge Mills Lane Memorial Courthouse, and because it is named after him, and because a contract clause, no one other than Mills will preside in this courtroom. Does that mean the courthouse will close? No, Judge Mills Lane will continue to preside over any cases as a hologram. Now, please, a moment of silence as we ring the bell in honor of Judge Mills Lane.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
As soon as the bells finish the screen lights up and a video begins to play.
El Rey: Now, I don’t know a lot about Mills, but I do know he would want the show to go on. So bring me that bastard son of Ryan Velez and as Mills would say, “Let’s Get it On!”
The lights dim and neon lights begin to flash on the stage as some dub step plays over the speakers. Out on stage walks a tall lanky young man presumably Ryan Velez Jr. Ryan looks around at the crowd before sprinting to the ring and sliding in and getting right in the face of El Rey. The ref separates the two and then calls for the bell.
After the bell rings El Rey looks his long lost cousin up and down and let’s out a laugh. He talks trash as he walks toward his opponent and when he gets close he swings at Ryan, but Ryan ducks back Matrix style to evade. El Rey gives an approving nod before quickly going for a leg sweep, but Ryan leaps over the attempt. Ryan begins to laugh as El Rey is quickly back up to his feet with a look of frustration on his face. El Rey attempts a kick to the gut and Ryan leaps back to avoid. El Rey explodes with a lariat attempt, but Ryan ducks and moves behind applying a rear waist lock. Ryan releases and pushes El Rey into the ropes. El Rey bounces off back towards his opponent, and Ryan leaps over the former X*Crown Champion. El Rey hits the ropes again and bounces back only for Ryan to hit the mat and El Rey leaps over and hits the ropes again. El Rey leaps for a cross body, but Ryan ducks and El Rey hits the mat.
Magnus: This bastard child has speed and evasiveness for days it seems.
Phillips: He sure seems to, but how long can he keep it up against a competitor with the pedigree of El Rey.
Magnus: Ryan has a pedigree of his own, don’t forget. Ryan Sr. may not have been the star his brother was, but he was still a skilled athlete in his own right.
Phillips: That’s true, but as far as we know this is his first ever match while El Rey has taken on the best this business has to offer over the last two years.
Ryan laughs as his much more experienced cousin pulls himself up to his feet. El Rey shakes his head in frustration and calls for a test of strength. Ryan shakes his head no. El Rey insists, and Ryan reluctantly moves in, but when they go to lock the speedy Ryan slides under El Rey and again applies a rear waist lock. El Rey grabs the ref and pulls him in and then kicks back with a low blow on Ryan. El Rey pushes the ref away as Ryan doubles over in pain. El Rey quickly turns and shoves Ryan’s head between his legs and drops Ryan with a Society Killer. He holds on and turns Ryan over for the pin and the win.
Winner and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship Gauntlet: El Rey.
El Rey stands up laughing as he calls for a mic.
El Rey: This was it? This was the best they had? So what’s next? Another bastard child of a relative? I’ll beat them in seconds again. So what is it dad? You going to give me a real challenge?
The screen lights up in the arena and Venom appears.
Venom: Well done kid. I’m proud of you, even if you did take a short cut. There’s an issue here, though. GUNS is take an extended break before it’s next full show, so I’ve decided to take time to find your next opponent, meaning you won’t know. So until then, train up because you never know who might be next.
El Rey angrily exits after the announcement from his dad and we cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside.
Phillips: And now... wait. Magnus, this section on the timesheet's blank.
Magnus: What?! Let me see that...
Phillips: You forgot to book something for this bit, didn't you?
Magnus: Of course I booked something!
Phillips: Well, what did you book?
Magnus: It's... It's...
Magnus' desperate fumbling is distracted from as a familiar figure jumps the guardrail and grabs a microphone from the time keeper's desk before sliding into the ring.
Magnus: It's a Bloodied Fox promo segment! Yes, that's it!
Phillips: You jammy bastard...
Fox taps the mic to make sure it's working well enough to drown out the fans' boos, then starts to speak.
Fox: Magnus, you and the sex pest can shut up right now because this show is going no further until I get what I want, and that is Zoran fucking Sainovic in this ring! You think you can just screw with my marriage and get away with it?
The crowds' jeers intensify at Fox's somewhat biased interpretation of the events of the X*Crown match at JROK's Folsom Prison Blues event. A chant of “YOU SCREWED BRENDAN!!!” breaks out, leaving Fox practically vibrating in fury.
Fox: Zoran you may have fooled these idiots into believing you're some noble hero now, and you may even have managed to trick Brendan into thinking you were going to keep it all legal, but you and I both know you were just waiting for the right moment to strike! If I had waited a second longer then you'd have pulled yet another knife and left the man I love limping for the rest of his life! Brendan may think I've done him wrong, but in time he'll realise I made the right choice for him.
Magnus: Fox is delusional. I fear for the state of his marriage.
Phillips: Remind me: who out of you and Fox got divorced and lost half of everything?
Magnus: ...I fucking hate you so much, Todd.
The booing of the fans nearly drowns out the opening notes of AFI's cover of Jack The Ripper as someone makes their GUNS debut.
Magnus: That's Jack 'Ripper' Gaines from JROK! One half of Black Knife Cabal alongside Brendan Harding!
Phillips: I think I can hazard a guess as to whose side he's taking in this domestic...
Gaines: Dear god Fox, would you just fucking stop?! You've already embarrassed yourself enough by messing up Brendan's X*Crown shot; now instead of owning up to your mistake you're trying to pass the buck!
Fox glowers at the new arrival, leaning over the ropes as he addresses him.
Fox: This is none of your concern, Jack. Leave, or I will make you.
Gaines: Brendan is my friend and my tag team partner. It sure as hell is my business when his idiot husband fucks him over and breaks his heart!
Fox: Get fucked, Jack! You're his hired muscle, nothing more! You're just trying to split us up because you couldn't stand that he picked me over you in the first place!
Gaines shakes his head, as the crowd chant that Fox should stop talking, though in less polite wording.
Gaines: You really have lost the plot, haven't you? I got over my issues with you a long time ago. Shit, I tried to help you beat Zoran in the End of Days tournament. You were unlucky and lost, but instead of accepting it you threw a tantrum like a fucking toddler and started taking it out on everyone else. I guess someone has to beat some sense back into you, and I guess it may as well be me..
Jack tosses his mic aside and rushes towards the ring. Fox likewise abandons his and meets Jack as he slides into the ring, the two exchanging blows furiously.
Phillips: Impromptu match?
Magnus: Impromptu match.
The bell rings as Fox and Gaines wail on each other. The more proficient striker, Fox gets the upper hand and irish whips Jack across the ring. As he rebounds, Fox goes for the spinning back kick to the midsection that starts the Devil Sequence. Gaines has it scouted however and grabs Fox's leg, stepping over it to throw an enzigiri. Fox ducks it, but Jack keeps his balance and hits Fox in the head with a mule kick. Keeping his hold on Fox's leg as he falls, Gaines goes to the mat with him, hammering fists into the side of his knee to try and dislocate it rather than work a hold. Fox manages to squirm loose and spins into a side mount, raining down palm strikes. Gaines guards as best he can, but the blows keep coming until in desperation he manages to catch Fox with a thumb to the eye, giving him enough space to roll clear.
Magnus: Fox is the more technically proficient of these two men, but 'Ripper' has quickly shown himself to be a vicious brawler who's hard to stop.
Both men are back to their feet, Fox looking particularly incensed at the ocular assault. He charges at Gaines and leaps to hit his Superman palm strike Bloody Rain, but again Gaines is ready and leaps himself, allowing him to hit Fox with a hard DDT! A referee has made it to the ring just in time to make a count as Gaines covers...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Gaines knew that wasn't going to be enough, but he still looks disappointed it wasn't. Dragging Fox up with him, he whips him into the far corner. Taking a moment to compose himself, he follows in, doing a handspring leading into an enzigiri, the move he calls Black Knife. Unfortunately for him, a moment for composure is a moment too long. Fox dodges aside, Gaines crashing into the turnbuckles. For then steps in behind, hooking both arms and throwing him back hard and fast with a Fox Trap Suplex. Unsteady from the head drop, Jack rolls back up, only to be hit with the MDK. The thunderous impact of Fox's foot with the side of his head puts Gaines down, Fox immediately jumping into the cover...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Unlike Gaines, Fox thought that was it and remonstrates with the referee, who reiterates his count. Seething, Fox grabs Gaines by the hair and begins to fire home Kawada kicks. The repeated boots to the face seem to fire Jack back up, and he responds by uppercutting Fox as hard as he can in the balls, much to the fans' approval. The ref looks at Magnus, unsure if he should be disqualifying the JROK star.
Magnus: No DQs in impromptu matches!
The ref shrugs at Gaines, who's pulled himself up by the ropes, nose bleeding. Gaines replies with a thumbs up, then DDTs the doubled over Fox. No cover this time, as instead he rushes to the corner. Gaines jumps to the second rope, then from second to top and moonsaulting back for the Rip and Tear! Crashing into Fox's middle section, the ref makes the count...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Not delaying, Gaines again goes to the turnbuckles, going straight to the top and going for his moonsault double stomp From Hell. This time however Fox rolls out of the way. Jack lands on his feet, but stumbles slightly at the impact of landing. The pause is enough time for Fox to rise up and charge, spiking Gaines' head into the mat with a hurricanrana. He then runs the ropes, building momentum as Jack manages to sit up, just in time to take a brutal Penalty Kick to the chest. With his opponent flat on his back, gasping for breath, Fox steps onto the apron, taking just a moment to flip off the fans before springboarding in and hitting Air Vulpine. He hooks the leg...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
No argument with the ref this time. Instead, Fox slides out of the ring and starts rummaging under apron banner, fishing out first a couple of chairs that he flings into the ring and then a table that he slides in. Having narrowly avoided being hit by either chair, Jack is standing again and meets Fox with several wild punches. Fox weathers them before retaliating with a vicious headbutt that staggers Gaines, creating the space for Fox to hit a dropkick. His opponent down, Fox turns to the table. He sets it up, then pulls Jack up, waistlocking him.
Magnus: I think Fox is looking for the Leviathan Suplex through the table. If he hits that it's all over for Gaines.
Phillips You just had to make it No DQ...
Magnus: Oh come on! Like we were gonna have a DQ finish here!
Gaines senses the danger and frantically elbows his way out of Fox's grip. He turns to face Fox, only to be waistlocked for a belly to belly suplex. Gaines fires off ridgehand chops to Fox's neck to fight his way out of this hold. Jack then connects hard with a rolling elbow that sends Fox sprawling onto the table. The crowd roar as they spot the opportunity just as Jack does. He rolls underneath the table and leaps to the top rope. Before he can fly, however, a figure darts from under the ring and grabs hold of his foot. Confused, Jack looks down to see a man covered entirely in white.
Phillips: That's King Submaxiswear! What is he doing here?!
Magnus: I'm not even going to pretend I know, Tom. I certainly didn't invite the photo negative gimp, and I cancelled your guest invitation privileges after what happened last time.
The fans boo vociferously at the interference, only to cheer as Gaines boots Submaxiswear hard in the face, sending him clattering down the ring steps. He tries to ready himself once again, but the damage has been done. Fox rolls off the table and leaps...
POISON RANA THROUGH THE TABLE!!!
The crowd groans as Jack's head smashes through wood and hard into canvas. Fox isn't content with simply that however, grabbing a large shard of broken table and stabbing at Gaines' face with it. Having recovered from his tumble, King Submaxiswear slides into the ring and picks up one of the chairs thrown in earlier. Making sure to approach Fox slowly and in his line of sight, he says something the camera mic doesn't pick up. Fox hears it though, stopping his stabbing and nodding with a sick grin. He pulls up the bleeding Gaines and passes him to his ally, who props him up and positions the chair to the side of his head...
MDK INTO THE CHAIR INTO THE SIDE OF GAINES' HEAD!!!
Jack goes down in a heap, Fox grinning yet more broadly at the destruction his kick's wrought. He moves as though to cover, but Submaxiswear holds up a hand to waylay him. He drags Gaines up and this time positions the chair under his chin. Fox gets the idea, moving back to get a few steps wind up...
VKO INTO THE CHAIR INTO GAINES' JAW!!!
Magnus: Jesus! That's the uppercut pump kick that won Fox the GFC title! It's dangerous enough as is, and he just added a chair to it.
Phillips This is sick!
There's no doubt that Gaines is unconscious now. The ref protests at what's happening, but is shoved down by Fox. He looks to cover, but again Submaxiswear stops him, holding up a finger to suggest one more thing. Fox raises an eyebrow, to which the masked man leans in to whisper in his ear. Fox ponders for a moment, then nods once more. He lifts the dead weight of Gains up in a waistlock, as Submaxiswear sets the chair up, then grabs the other and puts it next to it.
Phillips: Oh no...
Magnus: He can't possibly be thinking...
LEVIATHAN SUPLEX THROUGH TWO CHAIRS!!!
Magnus: Fucking hell!
Phillips: Bloodied Fox has gone too far! He should be fined and suspended!
Magnus: By who? NLW's on hiatus and he isn't even signed here!
Now Fox covers, Submaxiswear ordering the ref down to make the academic count...
ONE...
TWO...
THREE.
The bell rings, nearly drowned out by the disgusted boos of the GUNS fans. Fox surveys the carnage he's caused dispassionately, then turns and offers his hand to Submaxiswear. The masked man takes it and shakes, increasing the volume of the fans' disdain. The duo leave up the ramp, ignoring the medical team that rushes past them.
Phillips: I guess these two are allied now.
Magnus: It looks like it, and on the evidence of this that is not good news for anyone but them...
Phillips: Now we have a special match I hear?
Magnus: That’s right Tom. In association with James Mueller’s GUNS Fight Club we have a special match JUST for this show. Que it up!
Magnus: What a great match up Mueller put together.
Phillips: We must remind the fans at home that WAS NOT the real Santa Claus.
Magnus: Sure looked real to me.
Phillips: It can't be because that would ruin Christmas.
Magnus: How? He didn't die. Well fans – up next we have the Tag Team Gauntlet!
Phillips: You basically just wanted to humiliate Redmond Fury in a handicap match. He’s already injured, and BEEF is helping you, do you really need him to fight nine other teams first?
Magnus: I have no idea what you’re talking about – the gauntlet order is completely random. (evil laugh) Besides, why the hell are you calling me on this, Tom?
Phillips: Someone has to be the face commentator.
Magnus: You’re basically a child molester.
Phillips: I’m not comfortable about our current alignment dynamic either, malevolent Magnus.
Stella Starr: The following contest is a Tag Team Gauntlet, only treated like individual matches to game the Network Tag Point Tracker...
Phillips: At least we’re honest.
Magnus: So you see, this has nothing to do with grinding my Ex-husband into dust. GUNS has always been the premier tag company on the Network, no matter how many tournaments J-RoK throws – and this seemed like a great way to look at potential new challengers for our boys.
Magnus: What is he doing here?
Phillips: He’s entering the ring-
Magnus: HE’LL RUIN EVERYTHING-
Phillips: Apparently he didn’t like your handicap plan...
Much like the horrible interfaces of their sponsored namesakes, Hulu & Crave take forever to decide who is going to start. The bell rings with their conversation continuing, so the champion charges into them with an avalanche. Crave falls out of the ring, leaving Hulu as the legal man. Sainovic dominates him with a series of kicks; look more confident in his armless offence. Crave catches Sainovic with a missile dropkick that allows for a double team, before Sainovic sends him out with a vicious head-butt. Following a Yakuza kick, Sainovic starts dominating Hulu again – Crave again tries to come off the top, but Sainovic catches him with a super armdrag into Hulu. A running double stomp gets the three count.
Winner: The Super Frenemies (3:14)
Phillips: Hulu and Crave arguing on the outside, could this be the beginning of the STREAMING WARS?
Magnus: Why are the Super Frenemies being given the win? I don’t see Dylan here tonight – Starr shouldn’t be encouraging them. I liked it better when I did all the introductions.
Phillips: That was starting to get confusing, plus you hate Fury, Sainovic, and Bones so much that you weren’t exactly introducing them. It was a little awkward.
It should be noted that this is not the Judge Mills Lane that was often seen in GUNS, but rather his sketchy XHF lookalike. The appearance of the recently deceased in imposter form starts a “too soon” chant from the crowd. Sainovic agrees that this is distasteful and stomps a hole in him – which gets a MASSIVE POP from an audience that believe fake Mills deserves a beating. Zoran always wins up. The beating is eventually slowed down by XHF Judy Bagwell who jumps on the champion’s back and starts to bite his ear – drawing blood. The referee starts a five count to get the blood-sucking ghoul off the X*Crown champion, but Mills Lane allows it to continue. What? Sainovic eventually uses his one arm to scoop slam Bagwell onto Lane, then stomps up and down on both of them until they tap out.
Winner: Super Frenemies (4:25)
Magnus: Assaulting the memory of that poor man, Zoran should be ashamed of himself!
Phillips: The champ is just beating up a tasteless impressionist! I think the real Mills would have approved.
Magnus: Up next we have- seriously, where is Redmond?
Despite being the first actual wrestlers to appear opposite him, Zoran makes short work of the tag team catching Maple off the bell with a vicious dropkick to the face. Sasquatch comes in, only to run into an eye gouge. A drop toehold sends the fury beast falling through the ropes, while a mule kick takes out Maple.
Winner: Super Frenemies (2:05)
Phillips: The entrances are taking longer than the matches, The X*Crown champion making short work of all your hired thugs.
Magnus: It warms the heart to see Zoran so concerned for Fury’s safety, that he’s pissing away his health before his big title fight tonight against Quake. If you ask me, that Serbian bastard is trying a little too hard to look like a fan favourite.
Phillips: Well they are loving it-
Magnus: Shut up.
Before the bell, Ozawa tries to sign Sainovic to J-RoK. Despite Magnus’ loud screams telling Ozawa to take him, Sainovic responds that the shady recruiter should watch his own shows more – and knocked him down with a roundhouse right. After destroying Ozawa with a series of rapid-fire fists, Sainovic tosses the recruiter to Pilgrim. Harsh Winter comes in biting, but Sainovic pulls a cheeseburger out and throws it outside to the floor. Always hungry, Pilgrim follows it out – chowing down like David Hasslehoff in a washroom, for the count out.
Winners: Super Frenemies (4:01)
Phillips: Zoran just single-handed – literally he has one hand – polishing off the seventh and eighth opponents in a row! Just dominating the competition!
Magnus: A countout isn’t dominating – everyone knows Pilgrim is criminally underpaid and more hungry and Dinosaur Bones.
Phillips: But even with a big defence later, Sainovic putting his health on the line to protect Fury. Every team eliminated you can’t make Fury wrestle again-
Magnus: DAMN IT STELLA, ANNOUNCE FURY!
The last time we saw the man-eating Grizzly bear, she saved Redmond Fury from being beaten to death at the end of Halloween’s House Death Match. Only she then turned her back on him for doubting her vegetarian ways. It is unlikely that she will show up again to have Fury’s back here. Fury is still sporting injuries from BEEF and Colossus Rhodes, and looks almost as banged up as the one armed Sainovic. The crowd are hot for the two fan favourites, not wanting to see Zoran defeat MR. GUNS, but also fondly remembering their epic X*Crown match back at the season 3 episode 11 Mother’s Day special. The one where Sainovic ended Fury’s season. There is a lot of tension, as the two circle and spend forever teasing a lock-up. Having assessed Fury’s injuries, Sainovic nods – then exits to a count out, and a huge face pop.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (3:05)
Magnus: That sorry son of a bitch, he couldn’t have stabbed him or something?
Phillips: Nothing to get hot about Magnus, at least Fury is in there and Zoran is out.
Magnus: Yeah, but how many guys do I have left...
The Network knockoffs of Greg Valentine and Tito Santana first encountered Fury at a dive bar INSIDE A BEAR. They unsuccessfully challenged his Phoenix championship at Supremacy. Since being freed, they basically joined the Gobbledygooker’s XHF Army to make Fury’s life miserable. This is the next chapter in their ongoing rivalry. Unlike the teams that Zoran took apart, these ones actually regularly team – and show it with a lot of quick tags and double teams to work over Fury’s injured ribs. There are a number of near falls with the Hammer almost picking up the win, before Fury decapitates them with a flying double closeline.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (14:56)
Phillips: Well Redmond survived, but the Knockoff Strike Force really laid into his injuries. You must be ecstatic.
Magnus: Best possible scenario. I don’t care if Fury loses, but if he can hold out for me and BEEF? What fun we’ll have. Those Strike Force guys are really talented it's a shame about the copyright infringement gimmick. We should repackage them.
Phillips: As like a Matador and blues singer?
Magnus: There’s hope for you yet, Tom!
Trying to distract his godson, Wombat Junior, from his dead mother – Unboxed Ken is showing him the ropes. Ken considers Fury a friend, and is not trying to take advantage of the injuries or help Magnus – but wants Junior to get some practical experience. It’s a light hearted, wrestling equivalent of a friendly – in which the greenhorn seems to forget about his troubles right up until eating a lariat.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (7:15)
Phillips: What a feel good moment. Even when faced with an army trying to weaken him for his BEEF showdown, Fury still takes time with Ken to help mentor the next generation. So touching, especially after the recent loss in the Wombat family.
Magnus: Gag me with a spoon. Oh well, at least Ken got a few good shots in - but this feels like a breather. In fact, yes, CHEATING, Fury clearly trying to look tough, but we know what the REAL score is.
The one eyed behemoth – just as responsible for Fury’s current state as BEEF was, is teaming with another hulking brute. Despite his physique, Fury is dwarfed by his opponents – who overpower Mr. GUNS, methodically taking him apart. The crowd gets uncomfortable at the level of sadism, but still cheer on Fury who mounts the occasional comeback. Forgoing pin opportunities, the heavies press the attack – finally intentionally getting themselves disqualified with a series of chair shots.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (15:14)
Phillips: This is disgusting-
Magnus: Don’t worry, I’ll put him out of his misery.
The crowd look ready to riot, throwing trash at the ring as Magnus kicks, stomps, slaps, and generally takes advantage of Fury’s weakened state. BEEF helps out with double team moves, and submission holds that prop Fury up for more abuse – still blissfully ignorant that he might not be the fan favourite in this scenario. Just when the two look like they might finally give the muscular fan favourite a career ending injury, a growl rings out. A rampaging grizzly bear charges to Fury’s aid – causing owner and star to dive out of the ring for the countout. As UrsusLa checks on Fury, the pop is enough to raise the roof on GUNS Arena.
Winner: Redmond Fury & Ur-
In the middle of Stella Starr’s final announcement, a bloody Fury shouts something down to her.
Stella Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS FINAL GAUNTLET MATCH-
BEAR WITH ME!!!!!
Fury raises UrsusLa’s fury paw up in victory, the two apparently getting over the whole “are you still eating people” disagreement. Real American starts to pump over the PA system, as Fury and UrsusLa pose for the crowd.
Phillips: Redmond Fury spent the better part of 2022 INSIDE that bear, now it looks like he’s going into 2023 gunning for the tag titles with her! Magnus tried to end the career of his ex-husband, but I think he just insured that Fury has a POWERFUL ally!
Outside the ring, security have to hold BEEF back to make him look like that is the only thing keeping him at bay, while Magnus lets loose a stream of curses unfit for broadcast.
Phillips: If Magnus hated Fury for the divorce, how much worse does he despite him now… because BEARS like Redmond more than him!
Magnus: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Phillips: Nothing, welcome back- sorry about the-
Magnus: Sorry nothing! If that mangy man-eater likes Fury so much, let her keep him. I hope she eats him again! BUT all she did was save for one more day – because sooner than later BEEF is going to rub that roided up freak out!
Magnus: In recent weeks my email has been blown up by members of PETA wanting to know what I’ve done with Goldbear II.
Phillips: What do they think? That you made a bear skin rug out of him?
Magnus: Yes, actually. But what is actually happening is that he’s recovering from the brutal attack by Curtis Kanyon.
Phillips: And now that Curtis is officially a bear when he recovers he’s going to have to face the former President.
Magnus: That will have to wait until I check Clinton’s credentials. But before we get to that, to prove to PETA that Goldbear II is alive and well, we have footage of Goldbear II doing cardio with his trainer.
We cut to a scene where we are looking down from the corner of a room. In the room is a ring light with a cell phone placed in the center of it. Standing across from the set up is Riley Richards and Goldbear II standing side-by-side. Riley looks up at Goldbear II and gives him direction.
Riley: Alright, when I hit the music the phone will start to record and we go. Are you ready?
Goldbear II: Rawr.
Riley: Perfect. Hit it.
Riley pushes a button in his hand and Lizzo’s ”About Damn Time begins to play and Riley and Goldbear II begin to do the latest Tik Tok dance in what looks like perfect harmony. When they’re done Riley turns to Goldbear II with slightly short breath.
Riley: You were a little slow again.
Goldbear II: Rawr.
Riley: Me slow? You can’t be serious.
Riley and Goldbear II bicker as we cut back to ringside.
Magnus: Well fans, it’s a testament to how PACKED tonight’s show is that this MAJOR rematch isn’t headlining-
Philips: I thought it was because Mongo insisted that the X*Crown was the main event?
Magnus: That too! But the minute we get Zoran to lose it, the Phoenix will be back on top!
Philips: Hopefully by then its held by a GUNS star instead of a CAR mechanic...
Magnus: Yes, yes, but I have NO WORRIES OF THAT, because TONIGHT the Hero of GUNS have that hated dracolich’s number!
Philips: He didn’t last time.
Magnus: That was barely a match, Bones cheap shoted him before the bell! When we have a REAL match, I have no doubt that Shockmaster will defend GUNS honour the way he put that Tinto kid to death!
The camera cuts to the former Banker’s Daughter, Stella Starr in the ring with cue cards.
Stella Starr: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a thirty minute time limit, and is for the XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
John Williams’ Imperial March starts to play over the PA system – to a STANDING OVATION from the capacity crowd. A camera pan through the audience shows more signs supporting the HERO of GUNS than there are telling Magnus to sell his interest in the company. It’s a lot of signs. Suddenly a large figure falls through the ring curtains to a MONSTER POP. When XHF Shockmaster recovers his footing, the music picks up the tempo for a Happy Hardcore version of the Imperial March.
Stella Starr: Entering first the challenger – standing at 6’7” and weighing in at 320lbs, from a Galaxy Far Far Away but painted with blue glitter – you may remember him from MURDERING that hated child Tinto to rescue the title back for our fed, please give a HEROES WELCOME to the one and only... XHF SHOCKMASTER!
If there is a more over knockoff of Tug Boat in the XHF, I don’t write him.
Stella Starr: And his opponent... the so called champion... who ate the first lady of GUNS, Mrs. Wombat – this CAR representative doesn’t deserve an introduction, so just throw stuff at him.
Dinosaur Bones charges through the crowd, eating any fan that is stupid enough to listen to Starr and coax him over with food. Eventually his elderly cowboy manager, “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes manages to corral the beast into the ring.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And there off-
XHF Shockmaster hits a closeline, but the Dracolich doesn’t even recognize it. Shockmaster repeats the spot a solid eight times, not tripping once. It’s giving him a big head. So he trips. Falling into the Dread Lord’s leg almost causes DB to shatter like a dry bones in Mario 3... but seconds later he reforms. Furious, Bones attempts to eat Shockmaster- only to stop himself.
Phillips: Is Bones controlling his insatiable appetite?
Magnus: NEVER!
Bones tries to bite again, but stops himself, and instead hits a tail swipe.
Magnus: Probably not!
Phillips: Or is MRS. WOMBAT still alive inside of him – acting as a conscience?
MEANWHILE INSIDE DINOSAUR BONES...
DARKNESS.
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE ARENA...
Phillips: Bones again avoids decapitating the knockoff Shockmaster, instead using his tiny T-rex arms to box away.
Magnus: I tell you it’s sheer pride. Bones has heard the fans say he was nothing but stomach, and he’s trying to prove them wrong. Brain the size of a pea – he is NOTHING but hunger, and if he doesn’t use it, Shockmaster has his number!
Phillips: THIS IS A BIG HOSS BRAWL FOR SURE!
For all the announcers’ talk of a fair fight, it’s pretty obvious that Shockmaster is outclassed and this match should have ended seventeen minutes ago. How long has it been? Just when Bones looks like he’s worked up an appetite – Santa Claus comes charging down the aisle.
Phillips: What is Saint Nick doing here? Did someone rent a Santa costume when they thought this was going to be a Christmas Eve special, and decided not to return it when you decided we were doing this on Boxing Day instead?
Magnus: IT’S NOT MY FAULT WE DIDN’T DO A CHRISTMAS SHOW! I lost that holiday in the divorce.
Phillips: But Boxing Day?
Magnus: Boxing Day is a perfectly acceptable sports holiday... in England.
Phillips: This is Atlanta.
As the announcers bicker, Santa Claus pulls out a large Christmas tree – and comes off the far corner, swing it like an axe! Dinosaur Bones tries to eat it. Undeterred, Santa shifts his weight so that the tree comes straight down – with him guiding it like a sword. The large tree goes straight down Bones gullet – at least halfway before the dimensions prove too large. Staggering, Bones catches Shockmaster with a tail strike to the temple – knocking the big man out of the ring. Fighting mad, Santa starts stomping on top of it – a few feet away from Bones’ razor sharp teeth but determined to shove that tree down the horrible beast’s throat.
DING! DING! DING!
Stella Starr: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, and sadly still XHF Phoenix Champion – DINOSAUR BONES!
The crowd boo Santa for costing their hero a title he DEFINITELY would have won, but then cheer him for beating the crap out of that tree – and by extension, Bones! Santa stomps away like Super Mario – cramming the tree down. For his part, Bones doesn’t even consider this ultra violence to be an attack, thanking the ape for feeding him.
Magnus: Father Noel seems to have some sort of death wish.
Phillips: When Bones is finishing chomping on that tree, who does that bearded fool think the dracolich is going after next?
Finally getting through the tree, Bones picks an ornament out of his teeth. Santa’s rage will not subside, and the Christmas mascot nails the undead dinosaur with an axe-handle chop. Acknowledging the malice in this feast, Bones finally hits Santa with a tail swipe that knocks him halfway up the aisle. The beard falls off in midair, leaving only Wombat to hit the concrete hard.
Phillips: It wasn’t Santa Claus at all, but rather Wombat – who given the time of year, has no doubt been laid off his full time job as a Mall Santa.
Magnus: That idiot is still sore at Bones for eating his wife – well tough. He wants a piece of Bones? Bring us DEMONIC VENOM – otherwise we only have so many shots at Bones before someone decides the Phoenix title belongs permanently to CAR, and I’m not wasting a shot on that chump.
Holding his ribs like their broken, Wombat coughs up blood as his dozen children walk up next to him.
Wombat Octuplets: Daddy – we thought Mommy was coming home for the holidays?
The children cry.
La Authentica Wombat: One way or another, I’m bringing her home!
Santa Wombat starts to get up, only to clutch his side and fall forward in a pool of his own blood.
Magnus: Demonic Venom never would have done that.
Dinosaur Bones stops himself from eating XHF Shockmaster again, before stomping off into the helpless crowd. Trying to change the mood of the crowd, Magnus points at Shockmaster-
Magnus: ONE. MORE. TIME!
The crowd start chanting one more time, desperate for Shockmaster to save GUNS questionable honour.
Phillips: But he lost again!
Magnus: By DQ, if not for that idiot Wombat, Mrs. Wombat would have been avenged by the hero of GUNS, XHF Shockmaster!
The following is a special announcement from the desk of GUNS head Booker Magnus. Please stand by for this huge announcement.
The screen changes to an image of Goldbear II for a solid minute before cutting back to show Magnus standing behind the podium.
Magnus: Hello everyone. Thank you for joining us for yet another historic GUNS show. I am here to announce our representative for XHF's Global Event kickstarting 2023, Battle for Hegemony. In GUNS, we strive to be the Greatest, most Underappreciated Network Stars. So when I looked for someone to represent us, I had to find someone who was the Greatest of us all. The most Underappreciated of us all. A budding Network star who will take us further than any other fed can possibly go.
Magnus pauses to build anticipation.
Magnus: The GUNS Representative for Battle for Hegemony will be none other than... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
The reporters all applaud for a brief moment before a big beefy man steps onto the stage to the podium. Except this isn't BEEF. Redmond Fury grabs the microphone from Magnus to a POP! from the crowd.
Redmond Fury: Forgive my intrusion Magnus, but there is a fatal flaw in your plan. BEEF is not going to be able to represent you at Battle for Hegemony, because when I finish with him he'll be in a full-body cast!
POP!
Magnus shakes his head.
Magnus: Oh Fury... sweet, naive little man. You're not ready for the might of BEEF. But if you think you're up for the test, I'll give you a show against one of... no, TWO of the toughest men employed by the GUNS banner! In a handicap match tonight!
Fury grins and nods his head. Magnus shakes his head but before he can say anything else, "Big Bad Wolf" begins to play and our X*Crown Champion Zoran Sainovic walks out to cheers! From everyone except Magnus that is.
Magnus: Woah woah woah! I don't know what you want but you're not the GUNS commissioner anymore. You're barred from these types of announcements so screw you!
Zoran's smile doesn't waiver. It in fact grows.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh Magnus, with or without ze title I am always going to be ze commish.
Beat.
Zoran Sainovic: Before I relinquished my power I had a few extra contracts drawn up, Magnus. Now last season I came across ze Heart of Guns - and if anyone is going to rep our federation at ze Hegemony stage it will be him!
Magnus: Well can you at least offer BEEF a chance to give this heart an attack?
L.A. Wombat stands up.
L.A. Wombat: Mr. Sainovic, I don't suppose you have a contract allowing me to get revenge on the lizard?
Zoran turns to him.
Zoran Sainovic: If you're really intent on breaking Bones, you're not zere yet... but I have something zat will help you...
He holds up a contract.
Zoran Sainovic: You and ze heart of GUNS - one-on-one for the Hegemony spot, TONIGHT!
L.A. Wombat: I'm not interested in the spot...
Zoran Sainovic: You might not be, but fighting the heart with all your might - is the only way you'll be ready for the dracolich.
Wombat worriedly eyes up the contract for a moment before he shakes Zoran's hand! A deal's been struck with the White Devil!
Magnus: Ugh. I guess it's L.A. Wombat vs The Heart of GUNS for the Hegemony spot tonight. No BEEF for us. Robbie'll be sad.
Phillips: I wonder who this Heart of GUNS could be!
Magnus: I have a feeling it's someone hand-picked by Zoran who I'm not going to like.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Magnus: Here’s the real heroes of GUNS, the Guns. Zoran has got nothing on these guys.
Phillips: Debatable, but they are arguably one of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history.
Magnus: No debate, but who are they going to face?
Phillips: You don’t know who they’re facing?
Magnus: Well, I’ll let them explain it.
In the ring Mueller leans in the corner while Venom stands dead center in the ring with a mic in hand.
Venom: My partner here and I came here tonight with full intention of giving you a five star match with one of the top tag teams in the business. We planned it right after the the last Gun Show. They’re a team that has recently defeated two X*Crown Champions. They’re the first ever GUNS Tag Team Champions.
The crowd pops at the thought of GUNS vs Off the Wagon.
Venom: Unfortunately that’s not going to happen. Because, well, roll the footage.
On the screen we cut to earlier today when Off the Wagon arrives at the building. Kris Quake flashes his ID and security lets him on through. Randy flashes his ID and is stopped.
Security: You’re not on the card tonight. You can’t enter the locker room area.
Randy: What? We’ve got a rematch for our tag titles. That can’t be right!
Security: I don’t know what to tell you Mr. Angel, Mr. Sainovic made a change and you’re not competing.
Randy: Then why did you let Kris through?
Quake: Yeah, why didn’t you stop the Monopoly?
Security: Because you are competing. You’re in the main event for the X*Crown Championship with Mr. Sainovic.
Quake and Randy: WHAT?!?!
Security: How drunk were you guys at the BANG! Brawl?[/i]
Randy and Quake look at each other and shrug.
Randy: What was the BANG! Brawl?
Security: The place where you guys beat Mr. Sainovic and Dylan Black for a second time. After the match Mr. Sainovic demanded to face Mr. Quake and then he made it happen. So you, Mr. Angel, will have to wait to come in later.
Randy shakes his head as we cut out and back to the arena where Venom is in the center of the ring shaking his head.
Venom: So you see, Zoran in his effort to get more defenses in with the X*Crown than my son, ruined our match. Don’t fret, tho, we’ve found replacements.
“Oh you didn’t know”
Rings out over the arena as poppy rock music plays and out walks the “Good Dog” Doc Holliday and “Mister Posterior” Willy Pistol. The two taunt to the mostly confused crowd as the old savvy indie vets walk down to the ring.
Magnus: These guys are kings of the indies. Real strong opponents.
Phillips: They look so familiar. I feel like I know them from a previous job.
Magnus: We don’t care about your last job Tom.
James Mueller starts the match along with the Doc. Doc crotch chops at Mueller and Mueller explodes at him with a big boot to the face that wipes out the veteran tag team wrestler. On the outside Venom has moved around behind Willy and pulls him off the apron. Willy lands on his feet and turns and swings wildly, but Venom ducks and pushes Willy in the back into the steps. In the ring Mueller moves on top of Doc quick and locks him in a crossface submission and Doc quickly taps out.
Winners and STILL GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Phillips: So much for a real challenge huh?
Magnus: Or maybe the Guns are just that good.
We open backstage to see Zoran walking down a hallway looking at a clipboard. Curtis Kanyon pops out of a door and runs up to Zoran.
Curtis: Hey Zoran, just the dude I wanted to see! Firstly, thanks again for joining up with me at Civil War. And sorry for the little dust up between us.
Zoran Sainovic: It's okay, ze heat pf battle and all that... I had a wonderful time, glad to be zere.
Curtis: Yeah. Speaking, I think it's great you want me in the Battle of Hegimony, but I can't do it right now.
Zoran looks confused.
Curtis: You know, everywhere I go, I'm "the heart" of the place, and frankly, it's just getting tiring.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh! No, I wasn--
Curtis: It's just now that I'm a bear, I have a title shot with Goldbear II at our New Year's show. I need to make sure I'm in tip top shape! So I need to bow out. Have to make sure I can win the most prestigious XHF title, aside from the X*Crown of course.
Curtis winks at Zoran.
Zoran Sainovic: Thanks, but you weren't--
Curtis: Just be sure not to tell your second choice I had to decline, don't want to shake their nerves. Also, good luck wrestling the drunk nepo-baby tonight. It looks to be a super legitimate, totally above board defence. Ha ha. I'd totally do the same thing in your shoes. Way to work the system homie.
Curtis walks away as Zoran does not look happy with that last sentiment.
Magnus: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the right to be the GUNS Representative at Battle for Hegemony! Introducing first, he is the defender of Mrs. Wombat's dignity and the father of La Familia Wombat. He is L.A. WOMBAT!
L.A. Wombat jogs down to the ring to cheers from the GUNS locale. He's in high spirits, though this isn't the match he wants Mr. Sainovic thinks it'll be preparation enough to get back his wife. He poses for the crowd in the ring.
Magnus: And here to introduce his opponent, the XHF X*Crown Champion, Zoran Sainovic!
Zoran stands up from the ringside area and enters the ring. Magnus steps out as Zoran steps in, bumping shoulders with his champion as he makes his way to the commentary booth.
Phillips: GUNS owner and X*Crown Champion having a small physical alteration of sorts as Magnus makes his way back to the table here.
Magnus: Alright let's get this over with. Where is your heart of GUNS Zoran?
Zoran smiles at Magnus from the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh Magnus you buffoon... ze heart of GUNS has been here all night. Allow me to introduce... one of ze best X*Crown Champions to hold ze collection... twice!
Magnus: I swear to god if he's gonna put himself in this match...
Phillips: He has the X*Crown Magnus, he very much represents GUNS!
Zoran Sainovic: Ze most violent wrestler in ze world. And ze man YOU...
He points at Magnus.
Zoran Sainovic: Hate ze second most... my Super Frenemy, ze Daemon of Mayhem. DYLAN BLACK!
Phillips: WHAT?!
Magnus: NO NO NO!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Antonio Katō stands outside the ring, proudly presenting Japan's Greatest Export. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Phillips: We are about to witness HISTORY folks! Dylan Black and L.A. Wombat, here on a GUNS show?! This is crazy!
Magnus: No! Not happening! Not only is this asshole banned from GUNS, he's also not signed to any contract! And even if he was, I simply refuse to let it happen!
Zoran: You must forget, I had him signed to one of zose extra contracts remember? And you agreed to zis match taking place. Are you simply afraid L.A. Wombat cannot handle ze might of Dylan?
Phillips: He's got you there Magnus. We all saw you agree to the match.
Magnus: I can't believe we're about to give this out on free TV. Kick his fucking ass Wombat!
L.A. Wombat walks up to Dylan, a little pensive regarding the last time they were in a ring together.
L.A. Wombat: Hey man, no hard feelings about last time right? That wasn't me remember?
Dylan: Nah man. No hard feelings, this is just business.
They both stick their hands out for a friendly handshake, this time Wombat sticks out his left hand and Dylan shakes it! The crowd pops for the show of sportsmanship! Wombat tries to pull away but Dylan doesn't let go. Through gritted teeth, he mutters-
Dylan: It's just. Business.
Dylan yanks Wombat in for a headbutt, busting the homegrown hero open! The crowd boos as Wombat rolls around holding his broken nose on the ground! Dylan dusts his shoulder off, going for a quick cover! One, two, kick out! Wombat isn't ready to give up yet! Dylan rubs the sharp part of his robot arm across the face of Wombat and smears his blood across his forearm. Wombat shoves him off and rolls into a corner, sitting up and trying to shake the cobwebs. He sees Dylan running towards him and gets his knees up as Dylan tries a cannonball senton into the corner! Dylan bounces away, holding his back as he cries out in pain! Wombat gets up and begins to stomp a mudhole in the former X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: Dylan with the sudden head start but Wombat is fiercely battling back now!
Magnus: Yeah, because the fate of his world as he knows it depends on this match. If he wins he's gonna get the push of a lifetime! Bigger than STRiFE!
Phillips: Of course.
Wombat, knowing the ins and outs of how the mechanical chassis of Dylan works, rolls Dylan over and locks in an ankle lock on his good leg. Dylan's face is contorted in pain but he refuses to tap out! Dylan tries to drag himself to the ring ropes, inching closer and closer before latching his fist on the ropes. Wombat lets go and scoot back away from Dylan as he uses the ropes to pull himself to his feet. Wombat charges at him but Dylan pulls the ropes down! Wombat sends himself over the ropes, but hangs on and lands on the apron. Dylan runs the ropes now trying to go for a suicide spear through the ropes. Wombat sidesteps it and kicks Dylan in the face as he comes through! Dylan is hanging over the second rope and Wombat dropkicks him off the apron and to the floor!
Wombat follows up with a splash onto the floor, crushing Dylan on the floor. The wind is pushed out of Dylan's body and he's coughing on the floor. Not a great start for the other half of the Super Frenemies. Dylan crawls from Wombat who is hyper-focused on the task at hand. He lifts Dylan to his feet and whips him into the steel steps but Dylan reverses it, he sends Wombat tumbling over the stairs! Dylan climbs up the stairs and points a finger gun at Wombat, before jumping off and crushing Wombat's chest with a sharp elbow drop! Wombat's eyes bug out as Dylan stands up and rolls into the ring, breaking the ten count. He rolls back out and grabs Wombat, slamming his head on the apron! Wombat drives an elbow into Dylan's gut and grabs him by the hair, driving him into the apron! Dylan falls to his knees, gasping for air and holding his face! Wombat drives a kick into his face, toppling him onto the floor!
Magnus: I'm gonna be honest I didn't think Wombat would last this long or this well against Dylan. And I am super happy about this!
Phillips: Many would see this as a one-sided affair but Wombat has been going blow-for-blow with the Daemon of Mayhem!
Wombat grabs Dylan by the hair and rolls him into the ring. He tries for a quick pin of his own, one. Two. Kick out! Gas is still in the tank for Dylan but you can see the wear and tear from Oh Violent Night 3 is taking a toll. Some of the stitches have been torn open and blood pours from various parts of his body. Wombat drives a thumb into one of these reopened cuts and Dylan screams in pain, lashing out with a closed fist punch right to Wombat's face! Wombat stumbles back and Dylan stands up, stalking his opponent as Wombat pulls himself to his feet. Dylan hits a button on his arm and it starts to glow blue. Wombat turns around and Dylan nails a palm strike to his chest, electrocuting Wombat and sending him flying across the ring! He convulses across the ring as the crowd boos Dylan.
Magnus: Classic Dylan, has to cheat to win! Hey Wombat, pull that demon out of you! Give him a taste of his own medicine!
Phillips: As crazy as that'd be to see, Wombat has made it clear he's going to make it through this season without relying on the power of Christine to help him win matches. Thus far, it's been an ineffective strategy. But Wombat is gonna want to win this cleanly for his own sake!
Dylan drags a thumb across his throat, then grabs Wombat by the belt and lifts him up on his shoulders. Signal for the end. He hooks Wombat's neck and swings him down. RAGNARÖK! THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE! Dylan hooks a leg and the ref counts one... two...
WOMBAT GETS A LEG ON THE ROPES! HE'S SAFE! Dylan is furious that Wombat snuck his way out of that loss and drags him to the center of the ring. He drives a few forearms into Wombat's head for good measure before pinning him again! One! Two! KICKOUT WITH AUTHORITY! WOMBAT PUSHES HIS WAY UP AND TO HIS FEET AND BEGINS WOMBAT-ING UP (think Hulk Hogan doing his cocaine-fueled Hulking up)! He grabs Dylan by the head and delivers a punch to his face! And another! Dylan tries to punch him back but he blocks the punch and kicks his good robot leg out! Dylan falls to his knees and Wombat runs the ropes, SHINING WIZARD! Dylan is flat on the mat but he's already getting back up. Wombat crouches in wait! He Irish-whips Dylan into a corner and runs for a clothesline to Dylan! Dylan crumples to the floor and Wombat slips out of the ring, he climbs the top rope, and BOOM! Lands a splash on the Super Frenemy! Wombat hooks both legs and the crowd chants with the ref! One! Two! KICKOUT! BOOOOOOOOOO! THAT WAS WOMBAT'S WIN!
Wombat is undeterred by this, he lifts Dylan by the hair and nails a dropkick! But like a Terminator Dylan is pushing himself to get back up. Wombat nails another dropkick. Dylan really struggles to push himself back up and uses the ropes to stumble into a spinning neck breaker by Wombat! But Dylan over spins Wombat and crushes Wombat's face into his knee! Wombat stumbles back into the ropes, shaking the cobwebs as Dylan regroups, then charges him. Wombat ducks under the wild lariat, pulling the top rope down and letting Dylan fly over the ropes!
Magnus: Yeah! Suck on that you one-armed freak!
Phillips: Pot, meet kettle.
Wombat is climbing on the top rope, he's looking down at Dylan. His eyes are locked as he LEAPS OFF THE TOP ROPE! L.A. WOMBAT GOES FOR A MOONSAULT AND-CRACK! DYLAN JUST NAILED A DISASTERPIECE BICYCLE KNEE STRIKE TO WOMBAT AND THE HOMEGROWN HERO COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP!
Phillips: Oh my god!
Magnus: Jesus Christ, Wombat is dead!
"You Sick Fuck!" chants ring out as Dylan drags Wombat's limp body, by the neck, and rolls him into the ring. He stacks Wombat up like Mami Rhea and the ref counts one, two, three! Ring that damn bell!
Magnus: No, no, no! That sick son of a bitch!
Magnus stands up.
Magnus: Ugh. The winner of this match, and representing GUNS at Battle for Hegemony, Dylan Black.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa is seen tearing his hair out as he's been beaten at his own game! Zoran steps into the ring with the microphone again. He applauds the victor of the bout, raising Dylan's hand while a medical team hustles down to begin loading Wombat onto a stretcher.
Zoran Sainovic: Congrats Dylan! My Super Frenemy! You really are ze heart of GUNS, and I know zat you'll get stuck with a crap team at Battle for Hegemony - but you'll zrive like you always do, and I look forward to you trying to kill me to keep ze belt in OUR federation after Supremacy!
Dylan and Zoran hug, although Zoran is less enthused that Dylan may have just ruined a second expensive suit. Zoran will no doubt forward the dry cleaning bill to Grandma Mary again. They let go and Zoran calls out to the medical team carting Wombat away.
Zoran Sainovic: Just a second guys, I cannot leave tonight without applauding ze efforts of our own Wombat! Everyone here is proud of you for holding your own against Dylan without relying on ze dark arts or invoking ze spirit of zat miserable cocksucking fiend Venom. So rest up, enjoy ze holidays... with ze remaining members of your family, and come ze new year train like zere is no tomorrow... because you have a TV title shot at Supremacy, and I have a feeling it's going to be against Dinosaur Bones!
MEGA POP!!!
Phillips: Wombat getting the match he so rightfully deserves! His chance to avenge Mrs. Wombat's demise AND to stake a claim at the XHF Phoenix Championship! What a dream come true for the young stud!
Magnus: Yeah, but no doubt Zoran's conniving has ground that train to a halt before it can begin! Dylan just maimed Wombat! He's being stretchered out! This was nothing but a ruse by Zoran to drive Wombat deeper into the ground. And dammit there'll be hell to pay after tonight.
Phillips: Well the show must go on and we still have two XHF Global Championships on the line.
Magnus: And now here we present to you, by order of Mongo the Destroyer and his corrupt global rules, the global tag team title match.
Phillips: Why are you upset about a title match on your show that isn’t involving Zoran?
Magnus: Because I hate Death Trap.
Sylvia Starr: The following is a Holiday Hijinx match for the XHF Global Tag Team Titles. Entering first, the challengers, at a total combined weight of 457 pouns, Wellington Dunne and Cheez … TILTED CARTRIDGES!
“Blasting the Hornet” by Powerglove hits the speakers as Wellington Dunne steps onto the stage with Cheez in an electric chair position on his shoulders. The crowd cheers as Cheez throws video game paraphernalia into the crowd. Magnus catches a shirt that says, “I Am the Final Boss!” with an image of Bowser on it.
Magnus: *Sigh* Yep … yep …
Phillips: What do you have against Death Trap?
Magnus: The bitch took my ECF International title for his first title. He took my XHF World title for his first world title win here. He is boring. He is ugly. And don’t even get me started on the hat. He invaded my stable No Warning Shot and just used me to get his job back. AND HE STILL SOMEHOW HAS BOTH HIS ARMS!
Phillips: But he has a hot wife!
Magnus: Rub it in why don’t you. … What are you … I SAID RUB IT IN NOT OUT!
Sylvia Starr: And their opponents, the current reigning and defending XHF Global Tag Team Champions, at a combined weight of 460 pounds, Mistress Discipline and “The Main Attraction” Death Trap … TOP OF THE CLASS!
The lights dim down and the Tron shows "Top of the Class" in big gold letters with sparkles. It then cuts to images of Death Trap and Mistress Discipline winning the XHF Global Tag Team Championships from New Age Killers with DT pinning Jason Long and their hands being raised. "2285 Entr'acte" by Dream Theater plays over the speakers. Blue and Gold lights strobe the arena as the stage and ramp light up again and Death Trap and Mistress Discipline hit the stage. Mistress straightens her collar and her title belt around her waist and begins marching to the ring. She gets ten steps away and looks back to see DT still doing his signature pose at the top of the stage, hoodie open showing off his tag team title belt. She marches back and grabs his arm and forcibly pulls him down the ramp to the ring as DT high fives fans with his free hand. Mistress rolls into the ring and steps to the center while DT goes up the steps and looks out at the crowd as he steps through the ropes. He leaps to the closest corner and poses again. He looks up confused. No sparks. He leaps down and rolls out of the ring to step over to the announce desk. He leans on it and smirks at Magnus.
Magnus: Can you be helped?
Death Trap: My customary entrance pyro didn’t happen. Any idea why that is?
Magnus: Sorry we have to save the big effects for the main events. You know how it is, running a business and all … pal …
DT laughs and shrugs. He hands his belt to the timekeeper, who already has Mistress’s title. In the ring Mistress and Cheez step forward and the ref is giving them the run down. They engage in rock, paper, scissors. Mistress confidently throws rock. Cheez smirks and throws paper. Mistress’s eyes bug out of her head as she looks up at him.
Mistress Discipline: Wait, what?!
Cheez: You know your promos get shown on the network, right?
Dunne confidently grabs a package and opens it, he smirks and rolls out of the ring. Meanwhile, DT is still hovering around Magnus.
Death Trap: I suppose that’s fine. Good to see you got some help to really run this show the right way. Was nice of Venom and Zoran to have us on the show.
Magnus: Yeah … great. Hey have a GREAT match … friend …
Magnus holds out his right hand … left right hand… the robot arm that is a left arm on his right shoulder. DT grabs it then looks down.
Death Trap: Uh … is your hand upside down? Oh. Oh Magnus. I didn’t know you were a lefty.
Dunne is creeping up behind DT.
Death Trap: I knew you had two left feet but now two left hands too?
Magnus: I’m going to enjoy this next part.
Death Trap: Hmm?
A gingerbread house comes crashing down over the back of Death Trap’s head courtesy of Wellington Dunne. DT crumbles to the floor in a mass of crumbled gingerbread. Dunne bites the piece still in his hands.
Dunne: Really should pay attention to the match.
DING DING DING!
The bell rings as the rules are set, this can only end with a knockout, and the only weapon to be used in this match has already been shattered on DT. In the ring, Cheez and Mistress begin to jockey for position. Discipline uses her size advantage to back Cheez into the corner. He spins her around and chops her. She spins him back into the corner and sends a forearm shiver to the jaw. Cheez shoves her from the corner and kicks her. The kick is caught. Quickly putting his hands out to yell stop and time out, Cheez is mercilessly floored by a thunderous slap!
Phillips: AH! I felt that one.
Magnus: Personal experience?
Phillips: Too many times.
Cheez stumbles into his corner where Dunne leaps onto the apron and tags himself in. Wellington barrels into the ring and tries a clothesline, but the North Carolina native ducks and catches the arm. She spins behind with a hammerlock and locks in the chinlock as well. Dunne uses his free arm to reach behind and grab at the submission expert. Unable to find purchase, he instead runs to the ropes and locks on as the rebound sends the former librarian off of him and to the center of the ring. This time the running clothesline flattens her to the mat.
Magnus: I wonder when the last time Mistress had to tangle with someone of this size was.
Phillips: Probably last night in bed! HEY-O!
Magnus: … Never … ever … make me imagine DT being sexually active ever again.
Phillips: You can imagine Mistress on her back, tho! Eh actually she strikes me as a power top…
Magnus: *hands over his ears* LA LA LA, LOOK AT THE ACTION IN THE RING, TOM!
Wellington gestures to the crowd and then grabs the champ by her hair and hauls her to her feet before winding up and sending a huge forearm shiver to the face. Discipline spins away from the impact and grabs the top rope. Quickly catching her composure, she spins back around and sends a knife edge chop to the chest of the big Scot. Dunne simply puffs his chest out and laughs. She sends a volley of chops to the chest before Dunne grabs her by the head and hits a knee lift to the gut. A snap DDT sends Discipline to the mat hard. The ref gets in and checks on her, but she quickly shakes it off and pushes to her hands and knees. The Glasgow Bull hooks her waist and deadlift lifts her with the gut-wrench suplex. Cheez leans over the ropes looking for a tag. Dunne hauls his quarry to the corner and lets CHeez tag himself in. The plucky young star leaps over the ropes and lines up. Dunne holds Mistress in position and Cheez lands a big kick to the ribs.
Phillips: The challengers exerting some control here early.
Magnus: DT is still shaking off cobwebs and crumbs in front of the desk here. I love it! Hey douche-canoe! How’s that concussion feel?
DT rises to his feet and glares at Magnus.
Death Trap: Baked treats aren’t going to take me out.
Magnus: Just bugs then?
DT scoffs and walks around to his corner. In the ring, his partner is getting worked over by the smallest competitor in the contest. A flurry of quick kicks and chops has her reeling. The Lactose Lad amps up to the sound of the cheers of the crowd and climbs his corner, delivering 8 punches to her head before she is able to step forward and get him off the ropes and into a powerbomb style position. A quick blind tag from Dunne and he is reaching into the ring and grabbing the champion by her waistband and yanking her back to the corner. Reacting quickly, Cheez unleashes a head scissors to the Raleigh-born fighter. As she rolls to her feet she is met with a thick boot to the gut from the Bull. A second kick has her to one knee. The third however she catches and unloads on him with a thunderous slap.
Magnus: HE CAUGHT THE SLAP!
Indeed, Wellington has blocked the right hand and now hits a heavy head-butt to the champion. On the apron DT is pounding the top turnbuckle in support of his partner and stomping the apron to amp the crowd. Dunne Irish whips Mistress back to his own corner and barrels in for a clothesline. Mistress dodges, but misses the blind tag by Cheez. As Wellington rebounds from hitting his chest, Discipline locks in the Dunce Cap choke sleeper! The Glasgow Bull struggles, but finds her grip abnormally tight. He instead slams her back into his own corner and holds her there as she cranks the hold. Finally he slams her back into the turnbuckle three times, and she releases him. He dives away just as Cheez comes launching in with the stinger splash!
Phillips: KAMIKAZE SQUIRREL!
Magnus: I believe the proper term is Nimble Momonga.
Phillips: What?
Magnus: It’s Yu-Gi-Oh, Tom … get hip with the times.
Phillips: Dude, it’s the 2020’s, nobody cares about that anymore.
Wasting little time, the cheddar header pulls the stunned Discipline from the corner and leaps to the second rope, he flips off with a diving bulldog bringing the feisty foe to the mat. Cheez taunts to the crowd and then dives on for mounted punches.
ONE!
TWO!
Mistress slaps him off of her with a thunderous echo.
Mistress pushes to her feet as Cheez lines her up. A running dropkick sends her careening to the ropes, but she uses the momentum to rebound and clothesline the young upstart. A kip up puts Cheez back to his feet in time for a spinning back fist. Shaking off the blow, the streamer barrels in for a clothesline, but Discipline uses his momentum to drag him down and into the bridging crossface!
Magnus: The Suspension! Man I am familiar with those.
Phillips: You have an inversion table or sex swing too?
Magnus: … SCHOOL Suspension … why am I talking to you?
Discipline torques hard on the young man. Dunne steps through the ropes but is cut off by a charging Death Trap who clotheslines him over the top rope then leaps over the top rope to the apron. A diving dropkick sends Wellington into the barricade as Cheez reaches out for his partner and struggles to stay conscious. He claws to the ropes but he is just out of reach. Dunne rushes the ring but is caught by DT. As the two men grapple, Wellington uses his size advantage to pull DT away from the apron and slam him spine first into the ring post, allowing him to reach into the ring and pry apart the fingers of the librarian, freeing his partner.
Phillips: That was a close call, Cheez is not known for his endurance.
Magnus: I can’t recall the last time DT and Mistress have had to fight an opponent with a size advantage on Death Trap. … Because he’s heavy … tub of lard … worst abs in the business.
Mistress Discipline: I CAN HEAR YOU! You hush your mouth about those amazing abs.
Magnus: … grumble grumble … Fine. Just don’t slap me.
Phillips: Slap me all the time…
The momentary distraction is not enough for Cheez to recover and take advantage as he holds his spine in agony. But he is able to get to a vertical base. Mistress grabs him and hits a scoop slam before locking in a deep chinlock. A knee to the spine adds extra pain to the predicament. Cheez reaches out for his partner who leaps back onto the apron but can’t reach the young man. Discipline pulls him to his feet and hits a German Suplex. Cheez grabs the back of his neck in pain as he crashes to the mat. A shining big boot is all that awaits him as he climbs to one knee. Dunne begins to pound on the turnbuckle to get the crowd hyped up. Mistress adjusts her messy hair buns and tags in Death Trap. She hauls Cheez to his feet and holds him in a double chickenwing so DT can unload a question mark kick to the face.
Magnus: Ugh now we have to watch the big oaf “wrestle”
Phillips: Isn’t DT a seasoned veteran and one of the best technical wrestlers in the business.
Magnus: Why yes Tom, he IS boring!
DT locks in a bow and arrow hold as Mistress steps to the apron. He stretches the back of the content creator for a few moments before the ref gets him to break the hold as Cheez has grabbed the bottom rope. DT quickly tags back to Mistress and pulls Cheez out of the corner. A quick high roundhouse sends Cheez stumbling right into a Final Bell bicycle knee strike. Cheez spins right into the Cut the Strings cutter from DT landing him face first on the mat. Dunne just grabs his head in fear on the apron. The ref pushes Mistress away as DT goes to the apron. A quick check shows Cheez isn’t unconscious but he might be out of it. He begins a ten count.
Phillips: School’s Out from Top of the Class.
Magnus: That kid isn’t gonna wake up. Quick let’s distract the crowd with the dancing bears!
Mistress simply stands back in a ready position as the ref counts. At seven, Cheez finally pushes to his hands and knees. At nine, he is to his feet. Mistress charges in and boots him in the gut and sets him up for a powerbomb. But Cheez somehow manages to wriggle free with a hurricanrana! He looks at where he is and sees Dunne all the way across the ring. He begins to crawl but Mistress is to her feet and locks in the Procedure ankle lock with grapevine. Cheez reaches out for his teammate but Discipline begins to use her tremendous strength to scoot them booth back towards her corner.
Phillips: MAH GAWD! The glute power!
Magnus: … Ok that’s fair.
DT reaches over and tags in. He slingshots over with a leg drop across the neck of the smaller competitor. DT hauls him to his feet and sets him up for the Main Attraction! But Cheez manages to wriggle himself free and pokes DT in the eye. He lands on the mat and tries to sprint to his corner but DT holds his arm and whips him back into his own corner! He then unloads a volley of kicks to the chest before hitting a step up enzuigiri to the face. Cheez crumples in a heap on the mat in the corner. Dunne begins to clap to the crowd to get them back into it. DT however poses and soaks in the cheers from the split crowd. Cheez slinks between DT’s legs and crawls to his corner but DT sprints over and knocks Dunne from the apron then pulls Cheez all the way back to the TotC corner. He tags in Mistress and then sets up for a flurry of kicks. A kick from DT, into a SLAP from Mistress, but Cheez uses to momentum to fall to the side and out of the ring. DT sighs and steps to the apron. Mistress follows Cheez outside the ring and grabs him by the waist. She tries to deadlift him into another gutwrench but he curls himself and pulls her face first into the barricade.
Phillips: Cheez looking to regain some control and get Dunne into the ring.
Cheez slowly gets to his feet and grabs a sleeper on Discipline. The tag champ rises to her full height and tries to throw him off but he locks his legs around her body. After a few seconds she drops to a knee. DT leaps off for a double axe handle but Cheez drops off and lets him hit MD!
Magnus: SPOUSAL ABUSE! SECURITY ARREST THAT MAN!
Phillips: … Not cool.
Magnus: Neither is DT!
Cheez scampers into the ring while DT checks on his partner who assures him she is fine. Cheez leaps and tags in Dunne. Discipline rolls into the ring and the two fighters standoff with each other. They grapple and Dunne easily overpowers her and sends her back to the ropes. She comes back with a Final Bell! Dunne rocks back and stumbles but shakes it off leaving Mistress shocked. She leaps for another but he bull rushes her and hits a tackle to the mat instead. Dunne stands slowly and grabs her by the throat with both hands and lifts her to her feet before ramming his shoulder into her chest sending her flying back to the mat. She rolls into a neutral corner and is greeted by a charging shoulder to the gut. Dunne grabs the middle rope and rocks back before ramming her in the gut hard. A visible OOF is heard with each thrust.
Phillips: Such mighty thrusts! Look at the power in those thrusts, Magnus. Have you ever seen such magnificent thrusts?
Magnus: STOP SAYING THRUSTS!
Dunne pulls the battered queen of the DT fan club from the corner and hits a clubbing lariat to flatten her to the mat. The ref checks on her but she is still conscious so he begins a ten count as DT cheers on from the apron. At seven she is on wobbly legs, but upright. A springboard cutter is all she gets from the burly Scot!
Phillips: Scottish Face Breaker!
Magnus: Seems a shame this isn’t happening to DT…
Dunne taunts to the crowd and laughs as Mistress remains still on the mat for a few moments before clawing at the legs of Dunne. She pulls herself up on his legs and he grabs her by the chin. A forearm shot to the chin sends her reeling. She stumbles to her feet and he gets her up in the air in the Fireman’s Carry! But before he can finish his Wild Ride, she slides down behind him and locks in the choke sleeper. Using this to steer the big bull, she guides him to her own corner where DT tags himself in! DT leaps into the ring and chop blocks the big lug before Mistress rolls back and locks in the Procedure on his ankle. Dunne props his front half up on his arms and yells but DT dives on with the Death Trap!!!
Magnus: NO! The Master Class submission is locked in and Dunne is being neutralized!
Phillips: They only get the five count before MD has to leave though.
Sure enough at 4.9 she breaks her hold and rolls under the bottom rope. DT keeps his signature submission in as Dunne struggles to break it. The hold is broken when a tired Cheez runs across the ring with a shotgun dropkick to the chest sending DT into his own corner. Cheez hauls him to his feet and he and Dunne collaborate to crunch DT to the mat with the flapjack/cutter combo! The ref checks on DT but gets waved off by the legend.
Magnus: Stubborn piece of sh-
Phillips: It’s all that stamina and endurance! He must have done some serious training … with his partner … in the home … to last longer.
Magnus: NOOOOOO! Annoyingly DT has always been hard to put down.
Cheez is ushered out by the ref as Dunne shakes off the cobwebs and whips DT hard into the neutral corner. DT crashes hard and turns in the corner only to get a spear into the gut. A loud grunt of agony is heard as Dunne again grabs the middle rope and unloads on the Seattle native with heavy shoulder charges to the stomach. DT drops to the mat holding his stomach in pain as Dunne steps back to catch his breath. A cheer erupts from the crowd for this display of violence. Dunne grabs DT and hits a running powerslam, eliciting another shout of pain from the champ. DT stubbornly rolls to his hands and knees as Dunne clicks his tongue. Wiping sweat from his brow, he pulls DT up to his feet and hits a rolling elbow, but DT responds with a spinning back roundhouse (black mass) to the face as both men collapse.
Phillips: The Hard Sell from DT!
Magnus: Everything about DT is a hard sell. Who could love a lug like that!?
The ref begins to count. At six both men are up. They glare at each other. The Italian Stallion and the Glasgow Bull, face to face. Dunne unloads with a haymaker to the jaw. Death Trap unloads with a kick to the head. Punch, Kick, Punch Kick.
Phillips: Dunne! DT! Dunne! DT!
Magnus: What are you doing?
Phillips: My best Aleister Mayfield impression? Everyone likes him so I thought they would root for me now too.
Magnus: You are no Mayfield, sir.
Dunne breaks the cycle with a shoulder barge. DT kips up and hits a standing dropkick. Dunne rolls to his feet. They begin to just brawl in the middle of the ring before DT drops Dunne with the Cut the Strings! Cheez stomps the apron to boost his partner. Sensing this isn’t enough DT tries to lock in the Seattle Stretch but Dunne manages to roll him around and gets into a full guard position and rains down thunderous hammer fists to the face. DT begins to fade before he reacts on instinct and traps both arms with the hanging double arm bar! Dunne howls in pain as DT tries to dislocate the shoulders. MD and Cheez each sit on the apron exhausted, watching this spectacle. Dunne somehow in this position gets all 260 pounds of DT up into the air and powerbombs him.
Phillips: What an escape!
Dunne catches his breath and rotates his shoulders. He pulls DT to his feet and sets him up for a suplex lift. DT however knees him in the head from the vertical position and they drop back to the suplex setup position. DT cradles Dunne and on instinct, plants him with the Main Attraction Craddle DDT! Both men are down as DT breathes heavy and Dunne grasps the front of his head in pain.
Magnus: No no not like this. Take his title you Scottish bull, you!
DT is the first to slowly stand. He pulls Dunne fully to his feet from the hands and knees position he was in. The Main Attraction hooks Dunne for another cradle DDT but Dunne pulls free and sends DT hard into the corner again. DT is too tired to step away from the corner when Dunne comes barreling in with a full head of steam for another shoulder barge to the gut. DT spits up blood as Dunne rams him again. Dunne slowly backs off holding his head and shaking off the cobwebs. He roars to the crowd before charging again. DT grabs the top rope and swings his feet through the top and middle ropes to the apron as Dunne flies into the corner and shoulder barges the ring post with a resounding metallic THUNK! Dunne remains stuck in the ropes holding his shoulder … for about two seconds before DT unloads with that Hard Sell kick again crushing his head against the ring post with another DING! Dunne collapses to his knees and stays in that position. The ref checks him. He looks out of it but slowly shakes his head and the ref signals it isn’t over. Until it is. As Death Trap hits a running dropkick to the head crushing it into the post again and landing flat backed on the apron in pain. The ref waves the match off.
Sylvia Starr: Your winners by way of KNOCKOUT … and STILL XHF Global Tag Team Champions … TOP OF THE CLASS
[/div]
Magnus: What an amazing tag match. Words can’t describe how good that was. It’s a shame we have to ruin it now.
Phillips: Well fans from the fact that ringside looks like a minibar, I can tell it’s time for the main event-
Magnus: At the BANG Brawl, Off the Wagon had their second victory over the X*Crown champion. Zoran doesn't have an answer for these Super Sake players, and tonight Quake takes the crown!
Randy: I was looking forward to beating that pathetic old man for the title myself at Raison D’ete 3 Night 2 – but when Kris wins the straps? Instead of another Zoran ass kicking, the fans can look forward to Quake defending against me. OFF THE WAGON EXPLODES!
Magnus: Wouldn’t that be ON the wagon?
Phillips: What are you doing here, Randy?
Magnus: You put this much booze around ringside, and it’s like saying Candyman in the mirror three times.
Randy: Magnus isn’t wrong. Besides, with Zoran screwing me and Quake out of our GUNS Tag championship shot earlier – I needed to do something; I’m the designated driver.
Phillips: Dear god.
The camera pans past the cornucopia of liquid bearing containers that have been strewn around ringside, before zooming in on the former Banker’s daughter, who stands in the centre of the ring.
Stella Starr: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT for the XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
Huge pop for the crown.
Stella Starr: It is an “IF YOU CAN DRINK IT, IT’S LEGAL” match – in which any substance that can be consumed can be used as a weapon.
Randy: Kris is in the zone! We’ve been testing all these beverages in the back, so he knows exactly what can do the most damage.
Magnus: ...To your liver.
Phillips: So pre-drinking?
Randy: PLEASE, we’re professionals.
“Outsiders” by Eric Church starts to pump over the PA system.
Stella Starr: Entering first, the challenger – one half of Off the Wagon, presented to us by Super Sake – he stands at 5’11” and weighing in at 180lbs – he comes to us from Sydney, Australia – this is...
KRIS
TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPLE
QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!
Quake staggers out of the back, holding a red burlap Santa sack that is loaded with liquor bottles. The bag isn’t the only thing that is loaded. Despite the jeers from the crowd, anyone who gets within arms’ length enjoys a hug.
Magnus: A lot of sampling you, say?
Randy: We may have gone past Drunken Master peak efficiency...
Quake slings his bag into the ring, almost taking out Starr. Sliding into the ring, Kris proceeds to tell Stella how great she is. She is apparently one of his best friends. He really means it. Please believe him.
Stella Starr: ...thank you. AND HIS OPPONENT, THE CHAMPION-
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
Zoran Sainovic exits through the curtains an impressive face reaction. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. With his working right arm Zoran carries a large bucket of some liquid, while a thermos is tucked under the arm.
Stella Starr: standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – click some like buttons for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: The champion having a hard time carrying his props – I wonder what’s in the thermos?
Randy: It better not be that shitty Red Rice ale he’s always promoting, that stuff will kill you. Unlike- line-
Magnus: Super Sake.
Randy: YES, Super Sake is the best!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Placing the bucket in the corner, and the thermos next to it, Zoran then reaches up with his good hand, to remove the lapel pin that represents the titles – handing it to referee Terry Quills. Quills holds the pin up to Quake, before handing it to timekeeper Sam Burton. The two men stare each other down; Sainovic looks saddened by the inebriated state of Quake, hoping to get the XHF Original in his classic form.
Magnus: AND THEY’RE OFF-
Before the bell can ring, "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Phillips: What is he doing here?
Randy: From the obscenities streaming out of the ring, it looks like he’s getting under Zoran’s skin. No small feat, given how leathery it is.
Arriving at ringside, Recoba joins the commentary table. In the ring, Zoran Sainovic stares daggers at Cross, Randy, and Magnus. If only the champion was a mad bomber and not a knife man, what he wouldn’t give for a grenade.
Phillips: Fans, we have been joined by TAPOUT owner, and HARDKORE World performer, Cross Recoba-
Randy: You didn’t list my credentials!
Phillips: You’ve already gotten three alcohol plugs in.
Cross: Tom, Randy, Magnus- don’t mind me, just scouting the old man ahead of the New Year’s Eve show.
Phillips: Well you seem to have Zoran distracted, the champion still sporting stitches from the BANG Brawl in which you cost him a match to Off the-
Randy: We would have won anyway!
Cross: I’m not here to give Quake the win. I have Zoran on New Year’s Eve, if I want the X*Crown on the line, he has to retain-
Randy: I on the other hand will wrestle the champion, regardless of who has the crown at Raison D’ete – so GO QUAKE GO!
Magnus: Just so long as one of you three rescue it.
While Sainovic curses the commentators, Kris Quake remembers he has a title shot and attacks before the bell-
DING! DING! DING!
Randy: Senior moment by Zoran. You can’t turn your back on a competitor like Kris – how many times has he taken my wallet?
Magnus: Cross, it seems your head games are already being felt.
Incredibly wasted, Quake’s normal precision striking amounts to more of a windmill. Sainovic doubles over, trying to use his one arm to protect, but getting hammered pretty consistently across the back with forearms that are sloppy but heavy. The Final Boss finally defends with a big elbow, which staggers the drunk.
Cross: I’m surprised to hear you’re so open to me taking the crown to Hardkore World, Magnus.
Magnus: You’d be a sight for sore eyes compared to the current one. Fair play, I just ask that you give one of the GUNS superstars a shot.
Cross: Like Dylan Black?
Magnus: Get fucked Cross.
Quake uses the ropes to steady himself. Is the arena spinning? Sainovic charges in for the kill-
#SHATTER#
Only to have Quake break a bottle of PREMIUM Super Sake over the champion’s head. The heavy bottle shatters, dropping Zoran to his knees – the left side of his head covered in gore, glass, and sake.
Terry Quills: LIQUIDS, QUAKE!
Kris “Triple” Quake (slurred speech): WHAT? I DRINK IT ALL THE TIME!
Zoran Sainovic (trying to rub glass away from his eye): IF you want to see him drink glass, that can be arranged!
Recognizing the murder in Zoran’s eyes, Quake pushes past the admonishments of the referee to continue his sloppy punches on Sainovic. The glass in Zoran’s face cuts up Quake’s fist, but he’s too numb to notice.
Phillips: In this contest, only the liquids are legal weapons – so referee Quills showing great discretion letting it continue after that bottle shot.
Randy: Quake thrashing the old man like a red headed stepchild, you got this Kris!
Powering through the punches, Sainovic rises and uses his good arm to put Quake in a headlock. Quake continues to punch away at Sainovic’s bruised ribs, but Zoran drags him over to the far corner.
Phillips: ZORAN SHOVING QUAKE’S FACE IN A BUCKET OF ICE COLD WATER!
Magnus: Water boarding him, see Zoran is still a monster!
Cross: That’ll sober Quake up.
Randy: NO FAIR! Do you have any idea how long it took us to get Kris’ buzz on?
Ice cubes spill out onto the canvas as Quake struggles against cold. All the water slickens the lighter athlete up to the point where he’s able to slide out of Zoran’s grasp. Sainovic tries to follow, but Quake knocks him back with a shoulder tackle. Shivering from the water, Triple Quake then starts to charge in for a Go To Jail, but before he can get off the ground, Zoran drop toeholds him face first into the ice bucket again.
Kris “Triple” Quake: (SCREAMS LIKE GOOFY)
Quake tries to pull himself out, but his hands slip on spilt ice – sending him face down again. Sainovic is quick to regain his position, repeatedly dunking Quake’s face in the water until he seems back in the moment. Half pinning Kris to the canvas with his knee, Sainovic then grabs the thermos and opens it up.
Randy: I can’t watch!
Magnus: Sainovic pouring hot coffee down Quake’s gullet!
Randy: IS HE TRYING TO KILL HIM?
Phillips: Randy, it’s not even scalding.
Randy: Yeah, but it’s black – and Quake always gets two creams seven sugars. At least from that time in the early nineties when he drank coffee. This is not cool, not cool at all!
When the thermos is finally finished, Sainovic empties what is left of the icy water bucket over Quake for more Goofyesque sound effects. Leaving his opponent a quivering mass, Sainovic heads to a neutral corner – picking glass out of the gapping wound on his temple.
Cross: What an arrogant prick. Why not push the offence?
Phillips: Zoran giving Quake time for the caffeine to kick in – he wanted to defend against the former junior champion! He wants Quake at his best!
Randy: He had Kris at his best! Zoran just fears Kris’ drunken masterness!
Slowly rising to his feet, Kris Quake looks around like he is finally aware of where he is. Sainovic tosses the decorated journeyman a bottle of Super Sake. Quake looks at the bottle longingly, and then drops it to the canvas. The crowd pops hard. It is on.
Magnus: Quake is sober, at least by his standards!
Randy: ZORAN YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!
The two men meet up in the centre of the ring, with Quake hitting a shouldertackle to take Sainovic down. Sainovic tries to fight back with a Pressure Point, only for Quake to grapple the working arm and pull the leg into an Ashi garami!
Magnus: Quake mainly known for his striking, including judo – but busting out that devastating leglock.
Randy: I didn’t know he knew that one.
Cross: He might not have either.
It takes Sainovic a few rolls before he can finally make it to the ropes, the referee gives Quake a five count to let go of the leglock. When the hold is finally loosened, Sainovic makes his way out to the floor trying to shake off the devastating effects. Getting confident, Quake kicks a few of the ice cubes in the direction of the champion. Taking time to mutter a few curse words at Cross, then Randy, Zoran re-enters the ring.
Phillips: Sainovic’s leg still in rough shape from his defence against Ishimori, and Quake taking advantage.
Cross: In fairness, you’d be hard pressed to target a body part of Zoran that DIDN’T have some damage.
Magnus: Back in the ring, there’s the lock-up...
Sainovic fires Quake off into the ropes, then dives at the younger man’s legs for a Friendly Discussion ’99 – only for Triple to knock him off with a mae-keri kick. Grabbing Zoran’s working arm, Quake fires him off into the corner with an Irish whip – only for the champion to reverse it. Getting behind Quake, Zoran goes for a single-armed Dream Drop – only for Quake to fall out of it, and pull Sainovic into a thrust kick. Though Sainovic is the clear face in this scenario, the crowd applaud the competitive nature and actual wrestling holds. Jumping up to his feet, Sainovic charges in with a GUNS FC Special – only for Quake to catch the knee, and drag it over, rolling through for a half-Boston. Sainovic quickly worms his way over to the ropes for another break.
Randy: Zoran trying to get up using his one arm, and Quake charges in for a DROUGHT- er-
Phillips: The champion counters it with a GUNS FC Special – this time it connects!
Cross: Yeah, but that knee strike hurt Zoran’s right leg as much as it did Quake. Struggling to make the cover-
Randy: Don’t look so smug, you’re the last of us to MAYBE get a shot.
Cross: ...yeah.
Phillips: Zoran with the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Big kickout by Quake!
Randy: Was there ever any doubt!
Getting Quake up, Sainovic powers him into the corner with a rapid fire series of forearm smashes. Finally Quake ducks under one, and fires off a strike combo of his own right, right, right, right, left, right, left, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, European uppercut! The strikes seem to further open up the bottle gash on the champion’s temple. As the first drop of blood hits his eye, the champion is once again fired up with forearm smashes of his own. The two go back and forth with the strikes, though only having a single arm puts Zoran at a disadvantage to Quake’s devastating combos. After a ten-link-chain that has the crowd counting along, Quake rocks the older man with a roaring elbow.
Randy: DROP SAULT!
Magnus: HAS THIS NIGHTMARE FINALLY COME TO AN END-
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Kickout – Cross, did you just shift in your chair like you were going to make the save?
Cross: Where do you come up with this stuff? Don’t you have a minor to groom, Phillips?
Magnus: Touché.
Pulling the champion up, Quake again works his striking combos in the corner. Again, Sainovic attempts to answer with his brutal forearm smashes – but Triple Quake hooks the arm and pulls Zoran out of the corner with an armdrag. Only Sainovic lands on his feet, and immediately counters with a Low Sickle!
Phillips: THERE’S THE LOW SICKLE, and a cover-
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Foot in the ropes, and no one for Zoran to blame but himself. At the start of the match, Quake would have had to decide which one of the multiple ropes he was seeing was real!
Phillips: A very different match than we were expecting. Quake is a scrappy striker, but in this sober form, is going toe to toe with the champion.
Cross: And if Zoran’s ugly mug is anything to go by, Quake is getting the better of the deal.
Randy: You all act like Quake needed sobriety to win the title, that’s just a crutch!
After a series of stomps, Sainovic starts to lift Quake up – only to get pulled throat first into the ropes. As Zoran gasps for air, Triple Quake fights his way back up, again going to the punch combination. Fired up, Sainovic uses his right arm to block some shots, while delivering headbutts to stay in the striking game. The two go to town until their both bloody messes. After an exhausting amount of fisticuffs, Sainovic finally blocks a roundhouse right – and starts to follow-up with his Friendly Discussion ’05 – only for Quake to snap off a standing sidekick. The force sends Zoran into the corner for a facewash that further rips the flesh around the bottle shot.
Randy: 10! 11! 12! YOU GOT THIS KRIS!
Phillips: The champion in a bad situation against the ropes, and Quake charging in- this time-
Magnus: DROUGHT CONNECTS!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
The champion manages to get a foot in the ropes at the last second. Undeterred, Kris Quake goes up top for a-
Randy: SENTON BOMB!
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Phillips: Zoran rolls out of the way, and Quake hits the canvas HARD. Sainovic throwing his arm across for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
Quake uses an elbow strike to the blood gash to break the pin. Both men are slow to get back up to their feet. Sainovic fires off another Pressure Point, only to have Quake again trap the arm and pull the champion into an Ashi garami. It takes Zoran substantially longer to scramble to the ropes, but he eventually get the rope break on the devastating Judo based leglock. After letting go, Quake hits a few quick kicks to transitions into a Judo Choke. With the single arm, Sainovic has a hard time blocking – but does drive a few elbows into Quake’s midsection that make Monopoly regret his earlier festivities. As organs swell, Triple Quake answers these jabs with a Dragon Suplex for 1... 2. Going up top again, Kris starts to go for a missile dropkick, only Sainovic springs up – ducking under the legs to catch Quake mid-air with a jumping neckbreaker. 1... 2... 3? Quake manages to grab the ropes at the very last second, but is in a bad way.
Phillips: What an intensely competitive contest-
Magnus: What do you expect, do you know how many wins Off the Wagon have over Zoran? It was only a matter of time before one of them got the crown!
Phillips: But I don’t think anyone expected this level of competition, thanks to Sainovic sobering him up – we’re seeing Quake wrestle at a level... we haven’t seen since he started keeping Randy’s company!
Randy: Zoran couldn’t have hurt me more if he tried. He’s going to pay for this.
Phillips: Sainovic with a Karma Breaker-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TH-
Magnus: Quake is the younger, fitter, more athletic, healthier specimen in every sense – except for his liver. He has a lot of fight left in him!
Phillips: Clearly worse for wear from Triple Quake’s speed, Sainovic slowing down the pace with an Interrogation ’16.
Magnus: BORING!
After close to a minute trapped in the devastating submission hold, Quake manages to twist it into an inside cradle for 1... 2... big kickout. Both men are quickly up to their feet, where Quake again goes for a combo – only for Sainovic to counter with a scorpion kick. The angle is awkward enough to daze Triple Quake, who is pulled into The Mow Down for 1... 2... 3 foot in the ropes. Sainovic once again slaps on an Interrogation ’16 to ground the high flyer – which gets a very loud boring chant from Magnus. The GUNS owners attempt to dissuade this punishing submission hold go on deaf ears. While applying the hold, Sainovic continues to give Recoba and Randy dirty looks. Eventually Quake tries to reverse it into an inside cradle again, Sainovic puts the breaks on, but this is a fake out that then sees him pulled into a kneelift. Zoran lets go, but tries to grab back on, only to pulling into a brainbuster.
Cross: I don’t know why he’s looking over here; we’ll have our chance to dance soon.
Phillips: Sainovic clearly having his attention split by his cheering section over here, and it’s going to cost him.
Magnus: Damn right, Quake heading up top and just waiting for Sainovic to rise-
Phillips: Despite the dozen liquids around ringside that could be used as weapons, since the coffee took effect – these two men seem more content to wrestle than rely on plunder.
Randy: Disgusting isn’t it? If Kris was knocking them back, he’d have won by now.
Phillips: HERE HE COMES – MISSILE DROPKICK!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
At the last second Sainovic twists, diving forward with a spinning heel kick. His boot catches Quake on the temple, just as the challenger’s dropkick catches him in the chest. Both men hit the canvas hard. Terry Quills starts to administer a 10 count.
Randy: This is ridiculous; Quake knows what he needs to do to win!
#BUMP#
Magnus: Randy left us-
Picking up a giant bottle of Super Sake GOLD edition.
Randy: I got you buddy!
The bottle rolls into Quake, the impact seemingly knocking him back to reality as Quills gets up to the 7. A second later, the bottle rolls back out. The crowd POP for this confident sobriety.
Kris Quake: I have this.
Rising, Triple Quake goes for a GO TO JAIL – which connects, knocking Sainovic into the ropes. Monopoly then charges in with a Drought, only for Sainovic to sidestep it – raising Kris’ leg enough in the process to crotch him on the top rope. Remember the night of a thousand low blows, Sainovic can’t help but yank down on Kris’ leg – crotching him further. A SPIKED bulldog peels the cruiser icon’s gonads off the corner buckle. Rolling him over, Sainovic applies his high angle half-Boston.
Phillips: We’ve seen that a few times lately, as Zoran is using these defences to expand his single arm offence. The only thing keeping him from getting the tap out, is that Quake is out like a light.
Leaning under the ropes, Randy checks on the unconscious Quake. Randy thinks about dragging one of Kris’ arms onto the bottom rope, but it goes slack. This is what sobriety gets you. Deciding that Drunken Mastery is the way to go, Randy opens a bottle of Super Sake and pours it on Quake’s head. Realizing the liquid isn’t waking him, Randy decides to focus on getting the liquor onto the lips. After emptying it, Randy busts out a Super Sake platinum again pouring it into an unconscious Quake’s mouth. This process repeats with: Johnny Walker. Smirnoff. Hennessy. Jack Daniels. Bacardi. Jägermeister. Absolut. Baileys. Captain Morgan. Grey Goose. Crown Royal. Jim Beam. Patrón. Ballantines. Chiavs Regal. Aperol. Morosha. Blende’s Pride. Jameson. Jameson. Jameson. Zubrówka. Johnny Walker. Haywards. Royal Stag. Officer’s Choice. Jack Daniels. Imperial Blue. Jinro Soju. All with fake Super Sake labels on the bottles to avoid Off the Wagon getting in trouble. After the thirtieth bottle of hard liquor has been emptied three feet from him, Zoran starts to notice the smell.
Cross: NOW Zoran notices – there is enough alcohol splashed in that corner of the ring to burn this building down.
Phillips: Letting go of the half-Boston, Zoran kicking Randy away from the ropes-
Magnus: We may need paramedics down here.
Phillips: That was a lot of booze that Quake consumed while unconscious.
Returning to his opponent, Zoran Sainovic starts to go for a Pressure Point – only for Quake to sidestep it. Was that a hiccup?
Randy (raising arms in victory): DRUNKEN MASTER MODE!
Smiling and not quite sure where he is, Quake raises his arms to match Randy’s enthusiasm.
Randy (still standing at ringside yelling at the announcers): Get ready for some Matrix bullet time dodging shit, cause he’s in the zone!
Perhaps there is a logic to this madness. The champion takes a defensive stance, while the challenger – attempts and fails to do cartwheels.
Randy (cringe): I think we may have gone past Mastery again.
Magnus (spitting mad): You think?
Cross: I hate to admit it, but Quake could have won the crown here – but thanks to his partner, that possibility seems unlikely.
No more coffee to restart the wrestling aspect of the match. Shaking his head in disappointment, and cursing Randy – The Final Boss goes in for the kill.
Phillips: CONDITIONIZER-
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Zoran Sainovic: (Wilhelm scream)
Phillips: IS HE INSANE!?
Magnus: Jesus!
Cross: That... was uncalled for.
Too inebriated to know where he is, let alone that it would be a crime so horrid as to ostracize him from society – a playfully smashed Kris “Triple” Quake splashes a bottle of Regret Hot Sauce in Zoran Sainovic’s face.
Phillips: ZORAN JUST TOOK 12 MILLION SCOVILLE HEAT UNITS TO THE FACE!
Magnus: Uh… Fucking Quake, you don’t do that to a human being.
Phillips: Did he get it in the eyes? We could see his corneas melt out!
Reaching around blindly, Zoran empties what he hopes is a carton of milk into his face. How much of the substance got near his eyes is anyone’s guess, but they both seem to be sealed shut. Still oblivious to the fact that he just got written out of society for being a monster, Quake goes for the pin.
Phillips: I’m not calling that.
Cross: Why the referee is letting the “match” continue is beyond me.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Before the three count, Zoran kicks out – though it might have just been an involuntary spasm from the pain. Sainovic continues to shake violently from the agony, finding random containers to pour into his face, driven mad from the pain. Quake just sees this as an opportunity to make more pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Another spasm.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Nope. Pain giving way to rage, a blinded Zoran reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a bottle. Drunken Master Quake again goes for a pin, so Zoran blindly reaches out, and pulls him into a headlock. Forcing Quake to the canvas, Zoran unloads the bottle into his mouth-
Cross: Disulfiram.
Phillips: That’s the one that makes alcoholics really sick?
Cross: Given how much booze Randy forced into his partner, I’d say that even though none of us can imagine the pain that Zoran is currently in, at least Quake will spend the next few days wishing for death.
When the bottle is finally done his gullet, a repulsed Quake shoves Zoran off – gagging. The referee checks on Quake, wondering if he wants to give up. Sainovic reaches around for more liquids to flush his face with. With the referee distracted and Sainovic by the ropes, Randy Angel takes the time to smash a bottle of Super Sake Donkey Punch Edition over the champion’s head. It explodes in a shower of thick glass, and seems to completely knock out the champion.
Randy: Kris over here!
#BUMP#
Phillips: Where is he going?
Holding his gut in agony, but happy to crawl – Triple Quake covers the unconscious champion.
Magnus: Here we go!
Phillips: Not like this-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Cross Recoba jumps up on the apron, drawing the referee’s attention away from the cover.
Magnus: God damn Cross.
Phillips: Randy Angel almost scoring the win for his Off the Wagon partner, only for Cross Recoba to distract from the pin.
Magnus: Quake had it!
Randy Angel gets up on the apron and starts arguing Recoba. Referee Terry Quills tries to get them both under control. Quake goes back to holding his stomach in pain. Coming too, Zoran grabs another bottle to wash his face with – only to recognize the scent. He chugs on the bottle, before reaching into his pocket for a lighter-
Phillips: Zoran Sainovic with a bottle of kerosene-
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Phillips: BREATHS FIRE AT THE APRON – SENDING CROSS AND RANDY FALLING OFF!
This silences the voices, but the triumph is short lived, as Quake catches Zoran from behind.
Phillips: BACKSLIDE!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: YEA-
Only Sainovic shifts his weight, rolling out. Quake tries to roll with him, but Sainovic puts a stop to it with a thrust kick to the gut. Kneeling on Quake’s poisoned guts, Zoran hooks both legs with his good arm, and pulls back for a vicious pin.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
The crowd erupt. Recovering on the outside, Randy Angel and Cross Recoba both make sure they aren’t burnt before starring holes into the champion. Kneeling in the ring, possibly blind – The Final Boss sneers back at the abyss.
Stella Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION-
THE FINAL BOSS
ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: It’s not fair!
Phillips: Cheer up Magnus, after the war we just witnessed, the champion might be forced to relinquish his crown on medical grounds.
Magnus: Quake had this match won!
Phillips: He definitely gave Zoran a run for his money, and without the involvement of Randy Angel it might have gone the other way.
Magnus: When they finish pumping Quake’s stomach, or he wakes from his coma, it's a crapshoot – but when Kris sees the replay of this match, he’s going to have some stern words for his partner.
Phillips: Meanwhile, both Cross Recoba and Randy Angel are starring down the champion. Depending on the results, they might not be title matches, but one thing is clear – The Final Boss will fight BOTH THESE MEN on New Year’s Eve! First Randy, then Cross – with only the Pacific Ocean between the two events. Thank god for time zones am I right?
Magnus: The question isn’t who will win the crown, but which of these two!
Phillips: And on that note, I am Tom Phillips for Magnus and the GUNS crew – wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season! See you on New Year’s Eve!
El Rey: This month we lost a member of the GUNS family. As the only member of the GUNS roster the didn’t grow up watching him ref major boxing bouts, ref celebrity death matches, or his very own judge show I was asked to be the one to make a major announcement honoring the legendary man.
El Rey pauses and clears his throat.
El Rey: So, in honor of Judge Mills Lane the courthouse here attached to the GUNS Arena will no longer be known as the Venom Courthouse. It will now be known as the Judge Mills Lane Memorial Courthouse, and because it is named after him, and because a contract clause, no one other than Mills will preside in this courtroom. Does that mean the courthouse will close? No, Judge Mills Lane will continue to preside over any cases as a hologram. Now, please, a moment of silence as we ring the bell in honor of Judge Mills Lane.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
As soon as the bells finish the screen lights up and a video begins to play.
El Rey: Now, I don’t know a lot about Mills, but I do know he would want the show to go on. So bring me that bastard son of Ryan Velez and as Mills would say, “Let’s Get it On!”
The lights dim and neon lights begin to flash on the stage as some dub step plays over the speakers. Out on stage walks a tall lanky young man presumably Ryan Velez Jr. Ryan looks around at the crowd before sprinting to the ring and sliding in and getting right in the face of El Rey. The ref separates the two and then calls for the bell.
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship Gauntlet
El Rey vs Ryan Velez Jr.
After the bell rings El Rey looks his long lost cousin up and down and let’s out a laugh. He talks trash as he walks toward his opponent and when he gets close he swings at Ryan, but Ryan ducks back Matrix style to evade. El Rey gives an approving nod before quickly going for a leg sweep, but Ryan leaps over the attempt. Ryan begins to laugh as El Rey is quickly back up to his feet with a look of frustration on his face. El Rey attempts a kick to the gut and Ryan leaps back to avoid. El Rey explodes with a lariat attempt, but Ryan ducks and moves behind applying a rear waist lock. Ryan releases and pushes El Rey into the ropes. El Rey bounces off back towards his opponent, and Ryan leaps over the former X*Crown Champion. El Rey hits the ropes again and bounces back only for Ryan to hit the mat and El Rey leaps over and hits the ropes again. El Rey leaps for a cross body, but Ryan ducks and El Rey hits the mat.
Magnus: This bastard child has speed and evasiveness for days it seems.
Phillips: He sure seems to, but how long can he keep it up against a competitor with the pedigree of El Rey.
Magnus: Ryan has a pedigree of his own, don’t forget. Ryan Sr. may not have been the star his brother was, but he was still a skilled athlete in his own right.
Phillips: That’s true, but as far as we know this is his first ever match while El Rey has taken on the best this business has to offer over the last two years.
Ryan laughs as his much more experienced cousin pulls himself up to his feet. El Rey shakes his head in frustration and calls for a test of strength. Ryan shakes his head no. El Rey insists, and Ryan reluctantly moves in, but when they go to lock the speedy Ryan slides under El Rey and again applies a rear waist lock. El Rey grabs the ref and pulls him in and then kicks back with a low blow on Ryan. El Rey pushes the ref away as Ryan doubles over in pain. El Rey quickly turns and shoves Ryan’s head between his legs and drops Ryan with a Society Killer. He holds on and turns Ryan over for the pin and the win.
Winner and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship Gauntlet: El Rey.
El Rey stands up laughing as he calls for a mic.
El Rey: This was it? This was the best they had? So what’s next? Another bastard child of a relative? I’ll beat them in seconds again. So what is it dad? You going to give me a real challenge?
The screen lights up in the arena and Venom appears.
Venom: Well done kid. I’m proud of you, even if you did take a short cut. There’s an issue here, though. GUNS is take an extended break before it’s next full show, so I’ve decided to take time to find your next opponent, meaning you won’t know. So until then, train up because you never know who might be next.
El Rey angrily exits after the announcement from his dad and we cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside.
Phillips: And now... wait. Magnus, this section on the timesheet's blank.
Magnus: What?! Let me see that...
Phillips: You forgot to book something for this bit, didn't you?
Magnus: Of course I booked something!
Phillips: Well, what did you book?
Magnus: It's... It's...
Magnus' desperate fumbling is distracted from as a familiar figure jumps the guardrail and grabs a microphone from the time keeper's desk before sliding into the ring.
Magnus: It's a Bloodied Fox promo segment! Yes, that's it!
Phillips: You jammy bastard...
Fox taps the mic to make sure it's working well enough to drown out the fans' boos, then starts to speak.
Fox: Magnus, you and the sex pest can shut up right now because this show is going no further until I get what I want, and that is Zoran fucking Sainovic in this ring! You think you can just screw with my marriage and get away with it?
The crowds' jeers intensify at Fox's somewhat biased interpretation of the events of the X*Crown match at JROK's Folsom Prison Blues event. A chant of “YOU SCREWED BRENDAN!!!” breaks out, leaving Fox practically vibrating in fury.
Fox: Zoran you may have fooled these idiots into believing you're some noble hero now, and you may even have managed to trick Brendan into thinking you were going to keep it all legal, but you and I both know you were just waiting for the right moment to strike! If I had waited a second longer then you'd have pulled yet another knife and left the man I love limping for the rest of his life! Brendan may think I've done him wrong, but in time he'll realise I made the right choice for him.
Magnus: Fox is delusional. I fear for the state of his marriage.
Phillips: Remind me: who out of you and Fox got divorced and lost half of everything?
Magnus: ...I fucking hate you so much, Todd.
The booing of the fans nearly drowns out the opening notes of AFI's cover of Jack The Ripper as someone makes their GUNS debut.
Magnus: That's Jack 'Ripper' Gaines from JROK! One half of Black Knife Cabal alongside Brendan Harding!
Phillips: I think I can hazard a guess as to whose side he's taking in this domestic...
Gaines: Dear god Fox, would you just fucking stop?! You've already embarrassed yourself enough by messing up Brendan's X*Crown shot; now instead of owning up to your mistake you're trying to pass the buck!
Fox glowers at the new arrival, leaning over the ropes as he addresses him.
Fox: This is none of your concern, Jack. Leave, or I will make you.
Gaines: Brendan is my friend and my tag team partner. It sure as hell is my business when his idiot husband fucks him over and breaks his heart!
Fox: Get fucked, Jack! You're his hired muscle, nothing more! You're just trying to split us up because you couldn't stand that he picked me over you in the first place!
Gaines shakes his head, as the crowd chant that Fox should stop talking, though in less polite wording.
Gaines: You really have lost the plot, haven't you? I got over my issues with you a long time ago. Shit, I tried to help you beat Zoran in the End of Days tournament. You were unlucky and lost, but instead of accepting it you threw a tantrum like a fucking toddler and started taking it out on everyone else. I guess someone has to beat some sense back into you, and I guess it may as well be me..
Jack tosses his mic aside and rushes towards the ring. Fox likewise abandons his and meets Jack as he slides into the ring, the two exchanging blows furiously.
Phillips: Impromptu match?
Magnus: Impromptu match.
The bell rings as Fox and Gaines wail on each other. The more proficient striker, Fox gets the upper hand and irish whips Jack across the ring. As he rebounds, Fox goes for the spinning back kick to the midsection that starts the Devil Sequence. Gaines has it scouted however and grabs Fox's leg, stepping over it to throw an enzigiri. Fox ducks it, but Jack keeps his balance and hits Fox in the head with a mule kick. Keeping his hold on Fox's leg as he falls, Gaines goes to the mat with him, hammering fists into the side of his knee to try and dislocate it rather than work a hold. Fox manages to squirm loose and spins into a side mount, raining down palm strikes. Gaines guards as best he can, but the blows keep coming until in desperation he manages to catch Fox with a thumb to the eye, giving him enough space to roll clear.
Magnus: Fox is the more technically proficient of these two men, but 'Ripper' has quickly shown himself to be a vicious brawler who's hard to stop.
Both men are back to their feet, Fox looking particularly incensed at the ocular assault. He charges at Gaines and leaps to hit his Superman palm strike Bloody Rain, but again Gaines is ready and leaps himself, allowing him to hit Fox with a hard DDT! A referee has made it to the ring just in time to make a count as Gaines covers...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Gaines knew that wasn't going to be enough, but he still looks disappointed it wasn't. Dragging Fox up with him, he whips him into the far corner. Taking a moment to compose himself, he follows in, doing a handspring leading into an enzigiri, the move he calls Black Knife. Unfortunately for him, a moment for composure is a moment too long. Fox dodges aside, Gaines crashing into the turnbuckles. For then steps in behind, hooking both arms and throwing him back hard and fast with a Fox Trap Suplex. Unsteady from the head drop, Jack rolls back up, only to be hit with the MDK. The thunderous impact of Fox's foot with the side of his head puts Gaines down, Fox immediately jumping into the cover...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Unlike Gaines, Fox thought that was it and remonstrates with the referee, who reiterates his count. Seething, Fox grabs Gaines by the hair and begins to fire home Kawada kicks. The repeated boots to the face seem to fire Jack back up, and he responds by uppercutting Fox as hard as he can in the balls, much to the fans' approval. The ref looks at Magnus, unsure if he should be disqualifying the JROK star.
Magnus: No DQs in impromptu matches!
The ref shrugs at Gaines, who's pulled himself up by the ropes, nose bleeding. Gaines replies with a thumbs up, then DDTs the doubled over Fox. No cover this time, as instead he rushes to the corner. Gaines jumps to the second rope, then from second to top and moonsaulting back for the Rip and Tear! Crashing into Fox's middle section, the ref makes the count...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Not delaying, Gaines again goes to the turnbuckles, going straight to the top and going for his moonsault double stomp From Hell. This time however Fox rolls out of the way. Jack lands on his feet, but stumbles slightly at the impact of landing. The pause is enough time for Fox to rise up and charge, spiking Gaines' head into the mat with a hurricanrana. He then runs the ropes, building momentum as Jack manages to sit up, just in time to take a brutal Penalty Kick to the chest. With his opponent flat on his back, gasping for breath, Fox steps onto the apron, taking just a moment to flip off the fans before springboarding in and hitting Air Vulpine. He hooks the leg...
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
KICK OUT!!!
No argument with the ref this time. Instead, Fox slides out of the ring and starts rummaging under apron banner, fishing out first a couple of chairs that he flings into the ring and then a table that he slides in. Having narrowly avoided being hit by either chair, Jack is standing again and meets Fox with several wild punches. Fox weathers them before retaliating with a vicious headbutt that staggers Gaines, creating the space for Fox to hit a dropkick. His opponent down, Fox turns to the table. He sets it up, then pulls Jack up, waistlocking him.
Magnus: I think Fox is looking for the Leviathan Suplex through the table. If he hits that it's all over for Gaines.
Phillips You just had to make it No DQ...
Magnus: Oh come on! Like we were gonna have a DQ finish here!
Gaines senses the danger and frantically elbows his way out of Fox's grip. He turns to face Fox, only to be waistlocked for a belly to belly suplex. Gaines fires off ridgehand chops to Fox's neck to fight his way out of this hold. Jack then connects hard with a rolling elbow that sends Fox sprawling onto the table. The crowd roar as they spot the opportunity just as Jack does. He rolls underneath the table and leaps to the top rope. Before he can fly, however, a figure darts from under the ring and grabs hold of his foot. Confused, Jack looks down to see a man covered entirely in white.
Phillips: That's King Submaxiswear! What is he doing here?!
Magnus: I'm not even going to pretend I know, Tom. I certainly didn't invite the photo negative gimp, and I cancelled your guest invitation privileges after what happened last time.
The fans boo vociferously at the interference, only to cheer as Gaines boots Submaxiswear hard in the face, sending him clattering down the ring steps. He tries to ready himself once again, but the damage has been done. Fox rolls off the table and leaps...
POISON RANA THROUGH THE TABLE!!!
The crowd groans as Jack's head smashes through wood and hard into canvas. Fox isn't content with simply that however, grabbing a large shard of broken table and stabbing at Gaines' face with it. Having recovered from his tumble, King Submaxiswear slides into the ring and picks up one of the chairs thrown in earlier. Making sure to approach Fox slowly and in his line of sight, he says something the camera mic doesn't pick up. Fox hears it though, stopping his stabbing and nodding with a sick grin. He pulls up the bleeding Gaines and passes him to his ally, who props him up and positions the chair to the side of his head...
MDK INTO THE CHAIR INTO THE SIDE OF GAINES' HEAD!!!
Jack goes down in a heap, Fox grinning yet more broadly at the destruction his kick's wrought. He moves as though to cover, but Submaxiswear holds up a hand to waylay him. He drags Gaines up and this time positions the chair under his chin. Fox gets the idea, moving back to get a few steps wind up...
VKO INTO THE CHAIR INTO GAINES' JAW!!!
Magnus: Jesus! That's the uppercut pump kick that won Fox the GFC title! It's dangerous enough as is, and he just added a chair to it.
Phillips This is sick!
There's no doubt that Gaines is unconscious now. The ref protests at what's happening, but is shoved down by Fox. He looks to cover, but again Submaxiswear stops him, holding up a finger to suggest one more thing. Fox raises an eyebrow, to which the masked man leans in to whisper in his ear. Fox ponders for a moment, then nods once more. He lifts the dead weight of Gains up in a waistlock, as Submaxiswear sets the chair up, then grabs the other and puts it next to it.
Phillips: Oh no...
Magnus: He can't possibly be thinking...
LEVIATHAN SUPLEX THROUGH TWO CHAIRS!!!
Magnus: Fucking hell!
Phillips: Bloodied Fox has gone too far! He should be fined and suspended!
Magnus: By who? NLW's on hiatus and he isn't even signed here!
Now Fox covers, Submaxiswear ordering the ref down to make the academic count...
ONE...
TWO...
THREE.
The bell rings, nearly drowned out by the disgusted boos of the GUNS fans. Fox surveys the carnage he's caused dispassionately, then turns and offers his hand to Submaxiswear. The masked man takes it and shakes, increasing the volume of the fans' disdain. The duo leave up the ramp, ignoring the medical team that rushes past them.
Phillips: I guess these two are allied now.
Magnus: It looks like it, and on the evidence of this that is not good news for anyone but them...
Phillips: Now we have a special match I hear?
Magnus: That’s right Tom. In association with James Mueller’s GUNS Fight Club we have a special match JUST for this show. Que it up!
Magnus: What a great match up Mueller put together.
Phillips: We must remind the fans at home that WAS NOT the real Santa Claus.
Magnus: Sure looked real to me.
Phillips: It can't be because that would ruin Christmas.
Magnus: How? He didn't die. Well fans – up next we have the Tag Team Gauntlet!
Phillips: You basically just wanted to humiliate Redmond Fury in a handicap match. He’s already injured, and BEEF is helping you, do you really need him to fight nine other teams first?
Magnus: I have no idea what you’re talking about – the gauntlet order is completely random. (evil laugh) Besides, why the hell are you calling me on this, Tom?
Phillips: Someone has to be the face commentator.
Magnus: You’re basically a child molester.
Phillips: I’m not comfortable about our current alignment dynamic either, malevolent Magnus.
Stella Starr: The following contest is a Tag Team Gauntlet, only treated like individual matches to game the Network Tag Point Tracker...
Phillips: At least we’re honest.
Magnus: So you see, this has nothing to do with grinding my Ex-husband into dust. GUNS has always been the premier tag company on the Network, no matter how many tournaments J-RoK throws – and this seemed like a great way to look at potential new challengers for our boys.
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNLET
MATCH ONE
Stream Team (El Hijo del Hulu & CRAVE to the GRAVE) vs.
Magnus: What is he doing here?
Phillips: He’s entering the ring-
Magnus: HE’LL RUIN EVERYTHING-
Phillips: Apparently he didn’t like your handicap plan...
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNLET
MATCH ONE
Stream Team vs. Zoran Sainovic & ?
Much like the horrible interfaces of their sponsored namesakes, Hulu & Crave take forever to decide who is going to start. The bell rings with their conversation continuing, so the champion charges into them with an avalanche. Crave falls out of the ring, leaving Hulu as the legal man. Sainovic dominates him with a series of kicks; look more confident in his armless offence. Crave catches Sainovic with a missile dropkick that allows for a double team, before Sainovic sends him out with a vicious head-butt. Following a Yakuza kick, Sainovic starts dominating Hulu again – Crave again tries to come off the top, but Sainovic catches him with a super armdrag into Hulu. A running double stomp gets the three count.
Winner: The Super Frenemies (3:14)
Phillips: Hulu and Crave arguing on the outside, could this be the beginning of the STREAMING WARS?
Magnus: Why are the Super Frenemies being given the win? I don’t see Dylan here tonight – Starr shouldn’t be encouraging them. I liked it better when I did all the introductions.
Phillips: That was starting to get confusing, plus you hate Fury, Sainovic, and Bones so much that you weren’t exactly introducing them. It was a little awkward.
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH TWO
Super Frenemies vs. Forklift Memories (XHF Judy Bagwell & XHF Mills Lane)
It should be noted that this is not the Judge Mills Lane that was often seen in GUNS, but rather his sketchy XHF lookalike. The appearance of the recently deceased in imposter form starts a “too soon” chant from the crowd. Sainovic agrees that this is distasteful and stomps a hole in him – which gets a MASSIVE POP from an audience that believe fake Mills deserves a beating. Zoran always wins up. The beating is eventually slowed down by XHF Judy Bagwell who jumps on the champion’s back and starts to bite his ear – drawing blood. The referee starts a five count to get the blood-sucking ghoul off the X*Crown champion, but Mills Lane allows it to continue. What? Sainovic eventually uses his one arm to scoop slam Bagwell onto Lane, then stomps up and down on both of them until they tap out.
Winner: Super Frenemies (4:25)
Magnus: Assaulting the memory of that poor man, Zoran should be ashamed of himself!
Phillips: The champ is just beating up a tasteless impressionist! I think the real Mills would have approved.
Magnus: Up next we have- seriously, where is Redmond?
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH THREE
Super Frenemies vs. The Amazing Snow Birds (“The Apologist” Johnny Maple & Sasquatch Fred)
Despite being the first actual wrestlers to appear opposite him, Zoran makes short work of the tag team catching Maple off the bell with a vicious dropkick to the face. Sasquatch comes in, only to run into an eye gouge. A drop toehold sends the fury beast falling through the ropes, while a mule kick takes out Maple.
Winner: Super Frenemies (2:05)
Phillips: The entrances are taking longer than the matches, The X*Crown champion making short work of all your hired thugs.
Magnus: It warms the heart to see Zoran so concerned for Fury’s safety, that he’s pissing away his health before his big title fight tonight against Quake. If you ask me, that Serbian bastard is trying a little too hard to look like a fan favourite.
Phillips: Well they are loving it-
Magnus: Shut up.
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH FOUR
Super Frenemies vs. Pioneer Players (Harsh Winter Pilgrim & Rival Recruiter Ozawa)
Before the bell, Ozawa tries to sign Sainovic to J-RoK. Despite Magnus’ loud screams telling Ozawa to take him, Sainovic responds that the shady recruiter should watch his own shows more – and knocked him down with a roundhouse right. After destroying Ozawa with a series of rapid-fire fists, Sainovic tosses the recruiter to Pilgrim. Harsh Winter comes in biting, but Sainovic pulls a cheeseburger out and throws it outside to the floor. Always hungry, Pilgrim follows it out – chowing down like David Hasslehoff in a washroom, for the count out.
Winners: Super Frenemies (4:01)
Phillips: Zoran just single-handed – literally he has one hand – polishing off the seventh and eighth opponents in a row! Just dominating the competition!
Magnus: A countout isn’t dominating – everyone knows Pilgrim is criminally underpaid and more hungry and Dinosaur Bones.
Phillips: But even with a big defence later, Sainovic putting his health on the line to protect Fury. Every team eliminated you can’t make Fury wrestle again-
Magnus: DAMN IT STELLA, ANNOUNCE FURY!
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH FIVE
Super Frenemies vs. Redmond Fury & UrsusLa
The last time we saw the man-eating Grizzly bear, she saved Redmond Fury from being beaten to death at the end of Halloween’s House Death Match. Only she then turned her back on him for doubting her vegetarian ways. It is unlikely that she will show up again to have Fury’s back here. Fury is still sporting injuries from BEEF and Colossus Rhodes, and looks almost as banged up as the one armed Sainovic. The crowd are hot for the two fan favourites, not wanting to see Zoran defeat MR. GUNS, but also fondly remembering their epic X*Crown match back at the season 3 episode 11 Mother’s Day special. The one where Sainovic ended Fury’s season. There is a lot of tension, as the two circle and spend forever teasing a lock-up. Having assessed Fury’s injuries, Sainovic nods – then exits to a count out, and a huge face pop.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (3:05)
Magnus: That sorry son of a bitch, he couldn’t have stabbed him or something?
Phillips: Nothing to get hot about Magnus, at least Fury is in there and Zoran is out.
Magnus: Yeah, but how many guys do I have left...
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH SIX
Redmond Fury & UrsusLa vs. XHF Strike Force
The Network knockoffs of Greg Valentine and Tito Santana first encountered Fury at a dive bar INSIDE A BEAR. They unsuccessfully challenged his Phoenix championship at Supremacy. Since being freed, they basically joined the Gobbledygooker’s XHF Army to make Fury’s life miserable. This is the next chapter in their ongoing rivalry. Unlike the teams that Zoran took apart, these ones actually regularly team – and show it with a lot of quick tags and double teams to work over Fury’s injured ribs. There are a number of near falls with the Hammer almost picking up the win, before Fury decapitates them with a flying double closeline.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (14:56)
Phillips: Well Redmond survived, but the Knockoff Strike Force really laid into his injuries. You must be ecstatic.
Magnus: Best possible scenario. I don’t care if Fury loses, but if he can hold out for me and BEEF? What fun we’ll have. Those Strike Force guys are really talented it's a shame about the copyright infringement gimmick. We should repackage them.
Phillips: As like a Matador and blues singer?
Magnus: There’s hope for you yet, Tom!
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH SEVEN
Redmond Fury & UrsusLa vs. The GUNS Regular Army (Unboxed Ken & Wombat Jr.)
Trying to distract his godson, Wombat Junior, from his dead mother – Unboxed Ken is showing him the ropes. Ken considers Fury a friend, and is not trying to take advantage of the injuries or help Magnus – but wants Junior to get some practical experience. It’s a light hearted, wrestling equivalent of a friendly – in which the greenhorn seems to forget about his troubles right up until eating a lariat.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (7:15)
Phillips: What a feel good moment. Even when faced with an army trying to weaken him for his BEEF showdown, Fury still takes time with Ken to help mentor the next generation. So touching, especially after the recent loss in the Wombat family.
Magnus: Gag me with a spoon. Oh well, at least Ken got a few good shots in - but this feels like a breather. In fact, yes, CHEATING, Fury clearly trying to look tough, but we know what the REAL score is.
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH EIGHT
Redmond Fury & UrsusLa vs. Colossus Rhodes & Parasite C
The one eyed behemoth – just as responsible for Fury’s current state as BEEF was, is teaming with another hulking brute. Despite his physique, Fury is dwarfed by his opponents – who overpower Mr. GUNS, methodically taking him apart. The crowd gets uncomfortable at the level of sadism, but still cheer on Fury who mounts the occasional comeback. Forgoing pin opportunities, the heavies press the attack – finally intentionally getting themselves disqualified with a series of chair shots.
Winner: Redmond Fury & UrsusLa (15:14)
Phillips: This is disgusting-
Magnus: Don’t worry, I’ll put him out of his misery.
XHF TAG TEAM GAUNTLET
MATCH NINE
Redmond Fury & UrsusLa vs. Magnus & BEEEEEEEEEEEEF
The crowd look ready to riot, throwing trash at the ring as Magnus kicks, stomps, slaps, and generally takes advantage of Fury’s weakened state. BEEF helps out with double team moves, and submission holds that prop Fury up for more abuse – still blissfully ignorant that he might not be the fan favourite in this scenario. Just when the two look like they might finally give the muscular fan favourite a career ending injury, a growl rings out. A rampaging grizzly bear charges to Fury’s aid – causing owner and star to dive out of the ring for the countout. As UrsusLa checks on Fury, the pop is enough to raise the roof on GUNS Arena.
Winner: Redmond Fury & Ur-
In the middle of Stella Starr’s final announcement, a bloody Fury shouts something down to her.
Stella Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS FINAL GAUNTLET MATCH-
BEAR WITH ME!!!!!
Fury raises UrsusLa’s fury paw up in victory, the two apparently getting over the whole “are you still eating people” disagreement. Real American starts to pump over the PA system, as Fury and UrsusLa pose for the crowd.
Phillips: Redmond Fury spent the better part of 2022 INSIDE that bear, now it looks like he’s going into 2023 gunning for the tag titles with her! Magnus tried to end the career of his ex-husband, but I think he just insured that Fury has a POWERFUL ally!
Outside the ring, security have to hold BEEF back to make him look like that is the only thing keeping him at bay, while Magnus lets loose a stream of curses unfit for broadcast.
Phillips: If Magnus hated Fury for the divorce, how much worse does he despite him now… because BEARS like Redmond more than him!
Magnus: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Phillips: Nothing, welcome back- sorry about the-
Magnus: Sorry nothing! If that mangy man-eater likes Fury so much, let her keep him. I hope she eats him again! BUT all she did was save for one more day – because sooner than later BEEF is going to rub that roided up freak out!
Magnus: In recent weeks my email has been blown up by members of PETA wanting to know what I’ve done with Goldbear II.
Phillips: What do they think? That you made a bear skin rug out of him?
Magnus: Yes, actually. But what is actually happening is that he’s recovering from the brutal attack by Curtis Kanyon.
Phillips: And now that Curtis is officially a bear when he recovers he’s going to have to face the former President.
Magnus: That will have to wait until I check Clinton’s credentials. But before we get to that, to prove to PETA that Goldbear II is alive and well, we have footage of Goldbear II doing cardio with his trainer.
We cut to a scene where we are looking down from the corner of a room. In the room is a ring light with a cell phone placed in the center of it. Standing across from the set up is Riley Richards and Goldbear II standing side-by-side. Riley looks up at Goldbear II and gives him direction.
Riley: Alright, when I hit the music the phone will start to record and we go. Are you ready?
Goldbear II: Rawr.
Riley: Perfect. Hit it.
Riley pushes a button in his hand and Lizzo’s ”About Damn Time begins to play and Riley and Goldbear II begin to do the latest Tik Tok dance in what looks like perfect harmony. When they’re done Riley turns to Goldbear II with slightly short breath.
Riley: You were a little slow again.
Goldbear II: Rawr.
Riley: Me slow? You can’t be serious.
Riley and Goldbear II bicker as we cut back to ringside.
Magnus: Well fans, it’s a testament to how PACKED tonight’s show is that this MAJOR rematch isn’t headlining-
Philips: I thought it was because Mongo insisted that the X*Crown was the main event?
Magnus: That too! But the minute we get Zoran to lose it, the Phoenix will be back on top!
Philips: Hopefully by then its held by a GUNS star instead of a CAR mechanic...
Magnus: Yes, yes, but I have NO WORRIES OF THAT, because TONIGHT the Hero of GUNS have that hated dracolich’s number!
Philips: He didn’t last time.
Magnus: That was barely a match, Bones cheap shoted him before the bell! When we have a REAL match, I have no doubt that Shockmaster will defend GUNS honour the way he put that Tinto kid to death!
The camera cuts to the former Banker’s Daughter, Stella Starr in the ring with cue cards.
Stella Starr: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a thirty minute time limit, and is for the XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
John Williams’ Imperial March starts to play over the PA system – to a STANDING OVATION from the capacity crowd. A camera pan through the audience shows more signs supporting the HERO of GUNS than there are telling Magnus to sell his interest in the company. It’s a lot of signs. Suddenly a large figure falls through the ring curtains to a MONSTER POP. When XHF Shockmaster recovers his footing, the music picks up the tempo for a Happy Hardcore version of the Imperial March.
Stella Starr: Entering first the challenger – standing at 6’7” and weighing in at 320lbs, from a Galaxy Far Far Away but painted with blue glitter – you may remember him from MURDERING that hated child Tinto to rescue the title back for our fed, please give a HEROES WELCOME to the one and only... XHF SHOCKMASTER!
If there is a more over knockoff of Tug Boat in the XHF, I don’t write him.
Stella Starr: And his opponent... the so called champion... who ate the first lady of GUNS, Mrs. Wombat – this CAR representative doesn’t deserve an introduction, so just throw stuff at him.
Dinosaur Bones charges through the crowd, eating any fan that is stupid enough to listen to Starr and coax him over with food. Eventually his elderly cowboy manager, “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes manages to corral the beast into the ring.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
DINOSAUR BONES © vs. “The Hero of GUNS” XHF Shockmaster
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And there off-
XHF Shockmaster hits a closeline, but the Dracolich doesn’t even recognize it. Shockmaster repeats the spot a solid eight times, not tripping once. It’s giving him a big head. So he trips. Falling into the Dread Lord’s leg almost causes DB to shatter like a dry bones in Mario 3... but seconds later he reforms. Furious, Bones attempts to eat Shockmaster- only to stop himself.
Phillips: Is Bones controlling his insatiable appetite?
Magnus: NEVER!
Bones tries to bite again, but stops himself, and instead hits a tail swipe.
Magnus: Probably not!
Phillips: Or is MRS. WOMBAT still alive inside of him – acting as a conscience?
MEANWHILE INSIDE DINOSAUR BONES...
DARKNESS.
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE ARENA...
Phillips: Bones again avoids decapitating the knockoff Shockmaster, instead using his tiny T-rex arms to box away.
Magnus: I tell you it’s sheer pride. Bones has heard the fans say he was nothing but stomach, and he’s trying to prove them wrong. Brain the size of a pea – he is NOTHING but hunger, and if he doesn’t use it, Shockmaster has his number!
Phillips: THIS IS A BIG HOSS BRAWL FOR SURE!
For all the announcers’ talk of a fair fight, it’s pretty obvious that Shockmaster is outclassed and this match should have ended seventeen minutes ago. How long has it been? Just when Bones looks like he’s worked up an appetite – Santa Claus comes charging down the aisle.
Phillips: What is Saint Nick doing here? Did someone rent a Santa costume when they thought this was going to be a Christmas Eve special, and decided not to return it when you decided we were doing this on Boxing Day instead?
Magnus: IT’S NOT MY FAULT WE DIDN’T DO A CHRISTMAS SHOW! I lost that holiday in the divorce.
Phillips: But Boxing Day?
Magnus: Boxing Day is a perfectly acceptable sports holiday... in England.
Phillips: This is Atlanta.
As the announcers bicker, Santa Claus pulls out a large Christmas tree – and comes off the far corner, swing it like an axe! Dinosaur Bones tries to eat it. Undeterred, Santa shifts his weight so that the tree comes straight down – with him guiding it like a sword. The large tree goes straight down Bones gullet – at least halfway before the dimensions prove too large. Staggering, Bones catches Shockmaster with a tail strike to the temple – knocking the big man out of the ring. Fighting mad, Santa starts stomping on top of it – a few feet away from Bones’ razor sharp teeth but determined to shove that tree down the horrible beast’s throat.
DING! DING! DING!
Stella Starr: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, and sadly still XHF Phoenix Champion – DINOSAUR BONES!
The crowd boo Santa for costing their hero a title he DEFINITELY would have won, but then cheer him for beating the crap out of that tree – and by extension, Bones! Santa stomps away like Super Mario – cramming the tree down. For his part, Bones doesn’t even consider this ultra violence to be an attack, thanking the ape for feeding him.
Magnus: Father Noel seems to have some sort of death wish.
Phillips: When Bones is finishing chomping on that tree, who does that bearded fool think the dracolich is going after next?
Finally getting through the tree, Bones picks an ornament out of his teeth. Santa’s rage will not subside, and the Christmas mascot nails the undead dinosaur with an axe-handle chop. Acknowledging the malice in this feast, Bones finally hits Santa with a tail swipe that knocks him halfway up the aisle. The beard falls off in midair, leaving only Wombat to hit the concrete hard.
Phillips: It wasn’t Santa Claus at all, but rather Wombat – who given the time of year, has no doubt been laid off his full time job as a Mall Santa.
Magnus: That idiot is still sore at Bones for eating his wife – well tough. He wants a piece of Bones? Bring us DEMONIC VENOM – otherwise we only have so many shots at Bones before someone decides the Phoenix title belongs permanently to CAR, and I’m not wasting a shot on that chump.
Holding his ribs like their broken, Wombat coughs up blood as his dozen children walk up next to him.
Wombat Octuplets: Daddy – we thought Mommy was coming home for the holidays?
The children cry.
La Authentica Wombat: One way or another, I’m bringing her home!
Santa Wombat starts to get up, only to clutch his side and fall forward in a pool of his own blood.
Magnus: Demonic Venom never would have done that.
Dinosaur Bones stops himself from eating XHF Shockmaster again, before stomping off into the helpless crowd. Trying to change the mood of the crowd, Magnus points at Shockmaster-
Magnus: ONE. MORE. TIME!
The crowd start chanting one more time, desperate for Shockmaster to save GUNS questionable honour.
Phillips: But he lost again!
Magnus: By DQ, if not for that idiot Wombat, Mrs. Wombat would have been avenged by the hero of GUNS, XHF Shockmaster!
The following is a special announcement from the desk of GUNS head Booker Magnus. Please stand by for this huge announcement.
The screen changes to an image of Goldbear II for a solid minute before cutting back to show Magnus standing behind the podium.
Magnus: Hello everyone. Thank you for joining us for yet another historic GUNS show. I am here to announce our representative for XHF's Global Event kickstarting 2023, Battle for Hegemony. In GUNS, we strive to be the Greatest, most Underappreciated Network Stars. So when I looked for someone to represent us, I had to find someone who was the Greatest of us all. The most Underappreciated of us all. A budding Network star who will take us further than any other fed can possibly go.
Magnus pauses to build anticipation.
Magnus: The GUNS Representative for Battle for Hegemony will be none other than... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
The reporters all applaud for a brief moment before a big beefy man steps onto the stage to the podium. Except this isn't BEEF. Redmond Fury grabs the microphone from Magnus to a POP! from the crowd.
Redmond Fury: Forgive my intrusion Magnus, but there is a fatal flaw in your plan. BEEF is not going to be able to represent you at Battle for Hegemony, because when I finish with him he'll be in a full-body cast!
POP!
Magnus shakes his head.
Magnus: Oh Fury... sweet, naive little man. You're not ready for the might of BEEF. But if you think you're up for the test, I'll give you a show against one of... no, TWO of the toughest men employed by the GUNS banner! In a handicap match tonight!
Fury grins and nods his head. Magnus shakes his head but before he can say anything else, "Big Bad Wolf" begins to play and our X*Crown Champion Zoran Sainovic walks out to cheers! From everyone except Magnus that is.
Magnus: Woah woah woah! I don't know what you want but you're not the GUNS commissioner anymore. You're barred from these types of announcements so screw you!
Zoran's smile doesn't waiver. It in fact grows.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh Magnus, with or without ze title I am always going to be ze commish.
Beat.
Zoran Sainovic: Before I relinquished my power I had a few extra contracts drawn up, Magnus. Now last season I came across ze Heart of Guns - and if anyone is going to rep our federation at ze Hegemony stage it will be him!
Magnus: Well can you at least offer BEEF a chance to give this heart an attack?
L.A. Wombat stands up.
L.A. Wombat: Mr. Sainovic, I don't suppose you have a contract allowing me to get revenge on the lizard?
Zoran turns to him.
Zoran Sainovic: If you're really intent on breaking Bones, you're not zere yet... but I have something zat will help you...
He holds up a contract.
Zoran Sainovic: You and ze heart of GUNS - one-on-one for the Hegemony spot, TONIGHT!
L.A. Wombat: I'm not interested in the spot...
Zoran Sainovic: You might not be, but fighting the heart with all your might - is the only way you'll be ready for the dracolich.
Wombat worriedly eyes up the contract for a moment before he shakes Zoran's hand! A deal's been struck with the White Devil!
Magnus: Ugh. I guess it's L.A. Wombat vs The Heart of GUNS for the Hegemony spot tonight. No BEEF for us. Robbie'll be sad.
Phillips: I wonder who this Heart of GUNS could be!
Magnus: I have a feeling it's someone hand-picked by Zoran who I'm not going to like.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Magnus: Here’s the real heroes of GUNS, the Guns. Zoran has got nothing on these guys.
Phillips: Debatable, but they are arguably one of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history.
Magnus: No debate, but who are they going to face?
Phillips: You don’t know who they’re facing?
Magnus: Well, I’ll let them explain it.
In the ring Mueller leans in the corner while Venom stands dead center in the ring with a mic in hand.
Venom: My partner here and I came here tonight with full intention of giving you a five star match with one of the top tag teams in the business. We planned it right after the the last Gun Show. They’re a team that has recently defeated two X*Crown Champions. They’re the first ever GUNS Tag Team Champions.
The crowd pops at the thought of GUNS vs Off the Wagon.
Venom: Unfortunately that’s not going to happen. Because, well, roll the footage.
On the screen we cut to earlier today when Off the Wagon arrives at the building. Kris Quake flashes his ID and security lets him on through. Randy flashes his ID and is stopped.
Security: You’re not on the card tonight. You can’t enter the locker room area.
Randy: What? We’ve got a rematch for our tag titles. That can’t be right!
Security: I don’t know what to tell you Mr. Angel, Mr. Sainovic made a change and you’re not competing.
Randy: Then why did you let Kris through?
Quake: Yeah, why didn’t you stop the Monopoly?
Security: Because you are competing. You’re in the main event for the X*Crown Championship with Mr. Sainovic.
Quake and Randy: WHAT?!?!
Security: How drunk were you guys at the BANG! Brawl?[/i]
Randy and Quake look at each other and shrug.
Randy: What was the BANG! Brawl?
Security: The place where you guys beat Mr. Sainovic and Dylan Black for a second time. After the match Mr. Sainovic demanded to face Mr. Quake and then he made it happen. So you, Mr. Angel, will have to wait to come in later.
Randy shakes his head as we cut out and back to the arena where Venom is in the center of the ring shaking his head.
Venom: So you see, Zoran in his effort to get more defenses in with the X*Crown than my son, ruined our match. Don’t fret, tho, we’ve found replacements.
“Oh you didn’t know”
Rings out over the arena as poppy rock music plays and out walks the “Good Dog” Doc Holliday and “Mister Posterior” Willy Pistol. The two taunt to the mostly confused crowd as the old savvy indie vets walk down to the ring.
Magnus: These guys are kings of the indies. Real strong opponents.
Phillips: They look so familiar. I feel like I know them from a previous job.
Magnus: We don’t care about your last job Tom.
GUNS Tag Team Championship Match
The Guns (c) vs The New Age Desperados
The Guns (c) vs The New Age Desperados
James Mueller starts the match along with the Doc. Doc crotch chops at Mueller and Mueller explodes at him with a big boot to the face that wipes out the veteran tag team wrestler. On the outside Venom has moved around behind Willy and pulls him off the apron. Willy lands on his feet and turns and swings wildly, but Venom ducks and pushes Willy in the back into the steps. In the ring Mueller moves on top of Doc quick and locks him in a crossface submission and Doc quickly taps out.
Winners and STILL GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Phillips: So much for a real challenge huh?
Magnus: Or maybe the Guns are just that good.
We open backstage to see Zoran walking down a hallway looking at a clipboard. Curtis Kanyon pops out of a door and runs up to Zoran.
Curtis: Hey Zoran, just the dude I wanted to see! Firstly, thanks again for joining up with me at Civil War. And sorry for the little dust up between us.
Zoran Sainovic: It's okay, ze heat pf battle and all that... I had a wonderful time, glad to be zere.
Curtis: Yeah. Speaking, I think it's great you want me in the Battle of Hegimony, but I can't do it right now.
Zoran looks confused.
Curtis: You know, everywhere I go, I'm "the heart" of the place, and frankly, it's just getting tiring.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh! No, I wasn--
Curtis: It's just now that I'm a bear, I have a title shot with Goldbear II at our New Year's show. I need to make sure I'm in tip top shape! So I need to bow out. Have to make sure I can win the most prestigious XHF title, aside from the X*Crown of course.
Curtis winks at Zoran.
Zoran Sainovic: Thanks, but you weren't--
Curtis: Just be sure not to tell your second choice I had to decline, don't want to shake their nerves. Also, good luck wrestling the drunk nepo-baby tonight. It looks to be a super legitimate, totally above board defence. Ha ha. I'd totally do the same thing in your shoes. Way to work the system homie.
Curtis walks away as Zoran does not look happy with that last sentiment.
Magnus: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the right to be the GUNS Representative at Battle for Hegemony! Introducing first, he is the defender of Mrs. Wombat's dignity and the father of La Familia Wombat. He is L.A. WOMBAT!
L.A. Wombat jogs down to the ring to cheers from the GUNS locale. He's in high spirits, though this isn't the match he wants Mr. Sainovic thinks it'll be preparation enough to get back his wife. He poses for the crowd in the ring.
Magnus: And here to introduce his opponent, the XHF X*Crown Champion, Zoran Sainovic!
Zoran stands up from the ringside area and enters the ring. Magnus steps out as Zoran steps in, bumping shoulders with his champion as he makes his way to the commentary booth.
Phillips: GUNS owner and X*Crown Champion having a small physical alteration of sorts as Magnus makes his way back to the table here.
Magnus: Alright let's get this over with. Where is your heart of GUNS Zoran?
Zoran smiles at Magnus from the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh Magnus you buffoon... ze heart of GUNS has been here all night. Allow me to introduce... one of ze best X*Crown Champions to hold ze collection... twice!
Magnus: I swear to god if he's gonna put himself in this match...
Phillips: He has the X*Crown Magnus, he very much represents GUNS!
Zoran Sainovic: Ze most violent wrestler in ze world. And ze man YOU...
He points at Magnus.
Zoran Sainovic: Hate ze second most... my Super Frenemy, ze Daemon of Mayhem. DYLAN BLACK!
Phillips: WHAT?!
Magnus: NO NO NO!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Antonio Katō stands outside the ring, proudly presenting Japan's Greatest Export. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Phillips: We are about to witness HISTORY folks! Dylan Black and L.A. Wombat, here on a GUNS show?! This is crazy!
Magnus: No! Not happening! Not only is this asshole banned from GUNS, he's also not signed to any contract! And even if he was, I simply refuse to let it happen!
Zoran: You must forget, I had him signed to one of zose extra contracts remember? And you agreed to zis match taking place. Are you simply afraid L.A. Wombat cannot handle ze might of Dylan?
Phillips: He's got you there Magnus. We all saw you agree to the match.
Magnus: I can't believe we're about to give this out on free TV. Kick his fucking ass Wombat!
GUNS Representation @ Battle for Hegemony
L.A. Wombat vs Dylan Black
L.A. Wombat vs Dylan Black
DING DING DING!
L.A. Wombat walks up to Dylan, a little pensive regarding the last time they were in a ring together.
L.A. Wombat: Hey man, no hard feelings about last time right? That wasn't me remember?
Dylan: Nah man. No hard feelings, this is just business.
They both stick their hands out for a friendly handshake, this time Wombat sticks out his left hand and Dylan shakes it! The crowd pops for the show of sportsmanship! Wombat tries to pull away but Dylan doesn't let go. Through gritted teeth, he mutters-
Dylan: It's just. Business.
Dylan yanks Wombat in for a headbutt, busting the homegrown hero open! The crowd boos as Wombat rolls around holding his broken nose on the ground! Dylan dusts his shoulder off, going for a quick cover! One, two, kick out! Wombat isn't ready to give up yet! Dylan rubs the sharp part of his robot arm across the face of Wombat and smears his blood across his forearm. Wombat shoves him off and rolls into a corner, sitting up and trying to shake the cobwebs. He sees Dylan running towards him and gets his knees up as Dylan tries a cannonball senton into the corner! Dylan bounces away, holding his back as he cries out in pain! Wombat gets up and begins to stomp a mudhole in the former X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: Dylan with the sudden head start but Wombat is fiercely battling back now!
Magnus: Yeah, because the fate of his world as he knows it depends on this match. If he wins he's gonna get the push of a lifetime! Bigger than STRiFE!
Phillips: Of course.
Wombat, knowing the ins and outs of how the mechanical chassis of Dylan works, rolls Dylan over and locks in an ankle lock on his good leg. Dylan's face is contorted in pain but he refuses to tap out! Dylan tries to drag himself to the ring ropes, inching closer and closer before latching his fist on the ropes. Wombat lets go and scoot back away from Dylan as he uses the ropes to pull himself to his feet. Wombat charges at him but Dylan pulls the ropes down! Wombat sends himself over the ropes, but hangs on and lands on the apron. Dylan runs the ropes now trying to go for a suicide spear through the ropes. Wombat sidesteps it and kicks Dylan in the face as he comes through! Dylan is hanging over the second rope and Wombat dropkicks him off the apron and to the floor!
Wombat follows up with a splash onto the floor, crushing Dylan on the floor. The wind is pushed out of Dylan's body and he's coughing on the floor. Not a great start for the other half of the Super Frenemies. Dylan crawls from Wombat who is hyper-focused on the task at hand. He lifts Dylan to his feet and whips him into the steel steps but Dylan reverses it, he sends Wombat tumbling over the stairs! Dylan climbs up the stairs and points a finger gun at Wombat, before jumping off and crushing Wombat's chest with a sharp elbow drop! Wombat's eyes bug out as Dylan stands up and rolls into the ring, breaking the ten count. He rolls back out and grabs Wombat, slamming his head on the apron! Wombat drives an elbow into Dylan's gut and grabs him by the hair, driving him into the apron! Dylan falls to his knees, gasping for air and holding his face! Wombat drives a kick into his face, toppling him onto the floor!
Magnus: I'm gonna be honest I didn't think Wombat would last this long or this well against Dylan. And I am super happy about this!
Phillips: Many would see this as a one-sided affair but Wombat has been going blow-for-blow with the Daemon of Mayhem!
Wombat grabs Dylan by the hair and rolls him into the ring. He tries for a quick pin of his own, one. Two. Kick out! Gas is still in the tank for Dylan but you can see the wear and tear from Oh Violent Night 3 is taking a toll. Some of the stitches have been torn open and blood pours from various parts of his body. Wombat drives a thumb into one of these reopened cuts and Dylan screams in pain, lashing out with a closed fist punch right to Wombat's face! Wombat stumbles back and Dylan stands up, stalking his opponent as Wombat pulls himself to his feet. Dylan hits a button on his arm and it starts to glow blue. Wombat turns around and Dylan nails a palm strike to his chest, electrocuting Wombat and sending him flying across the ring! He convulses across the ring as the crowd boos Dylan.
Magnus: Classic Dylan, has to cheat to win! Hey Wombat, pull that demon out of you! Give him a taste of his own medicine!
Phillips: As crazy as that'd be to see, Wombat has made it clear he's going to make it through this season without relying on the power of Christine to help him win matches. Thus far, it's been an ineffective strategy. But Wombat is gonna want to win this cleanly for his own sake!
Dylan drags a thumb across his throat, then grabs Wombat by the belt and lifts him up on his shoulders. Signal for the end. He hooks Wombat's neck and swings him down. RAGNARÖK! THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE! Dylan hooks a leg and the ref counts one... two...
WOMBAT GETS A LEG ON THE ROPES! HE'S SAFE! Dylan is furious that Wombat snuck his way out of that loss and drags him to the center of the ring. He drives a few forearms into Wombat's head for good measure before pinning him again! One! Two! KICKOUT WITH AUTHORITY! WOMBAT PUSHES HIS WAY UP AND TO HIS FEET AND BEGINS WOMBAT-ING UP (think Hulk Hogan doing his cocaine-fueled Hulking up)! He grabs Dylan by the head and delivers a punch to his face! And another! Dylan tries to punch him back but he blocks the punch and kicks his good robot leg out! Dylan falls to his knees and Wombat runs the ropes, SHINING WIZARD! Dylan is flat on the mat but he's already getting back up. Wombat crouches in wait! He Irish-whips Dylan into a corner and runs for a clothesline to Dylan! Dylan crumples to the floor and Wombat slips out of the ring, he climbs the top rope, and BOOM! Lands a splash on the Super Frenemy! Wombat hooks both legs and the crowd chants with the ref! One! Two! KICKOUT! BOOOOOOOOOO! THAT WAS WOMBAT'S WIN!
Wombat is undeterred by this, he lifts Dylan by the hair and nails a dropkick! But like a Terminator Dylan is pushing himself to get back up. Wombat nails another dropkick. Dylan really struggles to push himself back up and uses the ropes to stumble into a spinning neck breaker by Wombat! But Dylan over spins Wombat and crushes Wombat's face into his knee! Wombat stumbles back into the ropes, shaking the cobwebs as Dylan regroups, then charges him. Wombat ducks under the wild lariat, pulling the top rope down and letting Dylan fly over the ropes!
Magnus: Yeah! Suck on that you one-armed freak!
Phillips: Pot, meet kettle.
Wombat is climbing on the top rope, he's looking down at Dylan. His eyes are locked as he LEAPS OFF THE TOP ROPE! L.A. WOMBAT GOES FOR A MOONSAULT AND-CRACK! DYLAN JUST NAILED A DISASTERPIECE BICYCLE KNEE STRIKE TO WOMBAT AND THE HOMEGROWN HERO COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP!
Phillips: Oh my god!
Magnus: Jesus Christ, Wombat is dead!
"You Sick Fuck!" chants ring out as Dylan drags Wombat's limp body, by the neck, and rolls him into the ring. He stacks Wombat up like Mami Rhea and the ref counts one, two, three! Ring that damn bell!
Magnus: No, no, no! That sick son of a bitch!
Magnus stands up.
Magnus: Ugh. The winner of this match, and representing GUNS at Battle for Hegemony, Dylan Black.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa is seen tearing his hair out as he's been beaten at his own game! Zoran steps into the ring with the microphone again. He applauds the victor of the bout, raising Dylan's hand while a medical team hustles down to begin loading Wombat onto a stretcher.
Zoran Sainovic: Congrats Dylan! My Super Frenemy! You really are ze heart of GUNS, and I know zat you'll get stuck with a crap team at Battle for Hegemony - but you'll zrive like you always do, and I look forward to you trying to kill me to keep ze belt in OUR federation after Supremacy!
Dylan and Zoran hug, although Zoran is less enthused that Dylan may have just ruined a second expensive suit. Zoran will no doubt forward the dry cleaning bill to Grandma Mary again. They let go and Zoran calls out to the medical team carting Wombat away.
Zoran Sainovic: Just a second guys, I cannot leave tonight without applauding ze efforts of our own Wombat! Everyone here is proud of you for holding your own against Dylan without relying on ze dark arts or invoking ze spirit of zat miserable cocksucking fiend Venom. So rest up, enjoy ze holidays... with ze remaining members of your family, and come ze new year train like zere is no tomorrow... because you have a TV title shot at Supremacy, and I have a feeling it's going to be against Dinosaur Bones!
MEGA POP!!!
Phillips: Wombat getting the match he so rightfully deserves! His chance to avenge Mrs. Wombat's demise AND to stake a claim at the XHF Phoenix Championship! What a dream come true for the young stud!
Magnus: Yeah, but no doubt Zoran's conniving has ground that train to a halt before it can begin! Dylan just maimed Wombat! He's being stretchered out! This was nothing but a ruse by Zoran to drive Wombat deeper into the ground. And dammit there'll be hell to pay after tonight.
Phillips: Well the show must go on and we still have two XHF Global Championships on the line.
Magnus: And now here we present to you, by order of Mongo the Destroyer and his corrupt global rules, the global tag team title match.
Phillips: Why are you upset about a title match on your show that isn’t involving Zoran?
Magnus: Because I hate Death Trap.
Sylvia Starr: The following is a Holiday Hijinx match for the XHF Global Tag Team Titles. Entering first, the challengers, at a total combined weight of 457 pouns, Wellington Dunne and Cheez … TILTED CARTRIDGES!
“Blasting the Hornet” by Powerglove hits the speakers as Wellington Dunne steps onto the stage with Cheez in an electric chair position on his shoulders. The crowd cheers as Cheez throws video game paraphernalia into the crowd. Magnus catches a shirt that says, “I Am the Final Boss!” with an image of Bowser on it.
Magnus: *Sigh* Yep … yep …
Phillips: What do you have against Death Trap?
Magnus: The bitch took my ECF International title for his first title. He took my XHF World title for his first world title win here. He is boring. He is ugly. And don’t even get me started on the hat. He invaded my stable No Warning Shot and just used me to get his job back. AND HE STILL SOMEHOW HAS BOTH HIS ARMS!
Phillips: But he has a hot wife!
Magnus: Rub it in why don’t you. … What are you … I SAID RUB IT IN NOT OUT!
Sylvia Starr: And their opponents, the current reigning and defending XHF Global Tag Team Champions, at a combined weight of 460 pounds, Mistress Discipline and “The Main Attraction” Death Trap … TOP OF THE CLASS!
The lights dim down and the Tron shows "Top of the Class" in big gold letters with sparkles. It then cuts to images of Death Trap and Mistress Discipline winning the XHF Global Tag Team Championships from New Age Killers with DT pinning Jason Long and their hands being raised. "2285 Entr'acte" by Dream Theater plays over the speakers. Blue and Gold lights strobe the arena as the stage and ramp light up again and Death Trap and Mistress Discipline hit the stage. Mistress straightens her collar and her title belt around her waist and begins marching to the ring. She gets ten steps away and looks back to see DT still doing his signature pose at the top of the stage, hoodie open showing off his tag team title belt. She marches back and grabs his arm and forcibly pulls him down the ramp to the ring as DT high fives fans with his free hand. Mistress rolls into the ring and steps to the center while DT goes up the steps and looks out at the crowd as he steps through the ropes. He leaps to the closest corner and poses again. He looks up confused. No sparks. He leaps down and rolls out of the ring to step over to the announce desk. He leans on it and smirks at Magnus.
Magnus: Can you be helped?
Death Trap: My customary entrance pyro didn’t happen. Any idea why that is?
Magnus: Sorry we have to save the big effects for the main events. You know how it is, running a business and all … pal …
DT laughs and shrugs. He hands his belt to the timekeeper, who already has Mistress’s title. In the ring Mistress and Cheez step forward and the ref is giving them the run down. They engage in rock, paper, scissors. Mistress confidently throws rock. Cheez smirks and throws paper. Mistress’s eyes bug out of her head as she looks up at him.
Mistress Discipline: Wait, what?!
Cheez: You know your promos get shown on the network, right?
Dunne confidently grabs a package and opens it, he smirks and rolls out of the ring. Meanwhile, DT is still hovering around Magnus.
Death Trap: I suppose that’s fine. Good to see you got some help to really run this show the right way. Was nice of Venom and Zoran to have us on the show.
Magnus: Yeah … great. Hey have a GREAT match … friend …
Magnus holds out his right hand … left right hand… the robot arm that is a left arm on his right shoulder. DT grabs it then looks down.
Death Trap: Uh … is your hand upside down? Oh. Oh Magnus. I didn’t know you were a lefty.
Dunne is creeping up behind DT.
Death Trap: I knew you had two left feet but now two left hands too?
Magnus: I’m going to enjoy this next part.
Death Trap: Hmm?
A gingerbread house comes crashing down over the back of Death Trap’s head courtesy of Wellington Dunne. DT crumbles to the floor in a mass of crumbled gingerbread. Dunne bites the piece still in his hands.
Dunne: Really should pay attention to the match.
DING DING DING!
The bell rings as the rules are set, this can only end with a knockout, and the only weapon to be used in this match has already been shattered on DT. In the ring, Cheez and Mistress begin to jockey for position. Discipline uses her size advantage to back Cheez into the corner. He spins her around and chops her. She spins him back into the corner and sends a forearm shiver to the jaw. Cheez shoves her from the corner and kicks her. The kick is caught. Quickly putting his hands out to yell stop and time out, Cheez is mercilessly floored by a thunderous slap!
Phillips: AH! I felt that one.
Magnus: Personal experience?
Phillips: Too many times.
Cheez stumbles into his corner where Dunne leaps onto the apron and tags himself in. Wellington barrels into the ring and tries a clothesline, but the North Carolina native ducks and catches the arm. She spins behind with a hammerlock and locks in the chinlock as well. Dunne uses his free arm to reach behind and grab at the submission expert. Unable to find purchase, he instead runs to the ropes and locks on as the rebound sends the former librarian off of him and to the center of the ring. This time the running clothesline flattens her to the mat.
Magnus: I wonder when the last time Mistress had to tangle with someone of this size was.
Phillips: Probably last night in bed! HEY-O!
Magnus: … Never … ever … make me imagine DT being sexually active ever again.
Phillips: You can imagine Mistress on her back, tho! Eh actually she strikes me as a power top…
Magnus: *hands over his ears* LA LA LA, LOOK AT THE ACTION IN THE RING, TOM!
Wellington gestures to the crowd and then grabs the champ by her hair and hauls her to her feet before winding up and sending a huge forearm shiver to the face. Discipline spins away from the impact and grabs the top rope. Quickly catching her composure, she spins back around and sends a knife edge chop to the chest of the big Scot. Dunne simply puffs his chest out and laughs. She sends a volley of chops to the chest before Dunne grabs her by the head and hits a knee lift to the gut. A snap DDT sends Discipline to the mat hard. The ref gets in and checks on her, but she quickly shakes it off and pushes to her hands and knees. The Glasgow Bull hooks her waist and deadlift lifts her with the gut-wrench suplex. Cheez leans over the ropes looking for a tag. Dunne hauls his quarry to the corner and lets CHeez tag himself in. The plucky young star leaps over the ropes and lines up. Dunne holds Mistress in position and Cheez lands a big kick to the ribs.
Phillips: The challengers exerting some control here early.
Magnus: DT is still shaking off cobwebs and crumbs in front of the desk here. I love it! Hey douche-canoe! How’s that concussion feel?
DT rises to his feet and glares at Magnus.
Death Trap: Baked treats aren’t going to take me out.
Magnus: Just bugs then?
DT scoffs and walks around to his corner. In the ring, his partner is getting worked over by the smallest competitor in the contest. A flurry of quick kicks and chops has her reeling. The Lactose Lad amps up to the sound of the cheers of the crowd and climbs his corner, delivering 8 punches to her head before she is able to step forward and get him off the ropes and into a powerbomb style position. A quick blind tag from Dunne and he is reaching into the ring and grabbing the champion by her waistband and yanking her back to the corner. Reacting quickly, Cheez unleashes a head scissors to the Raleigh-born fighter. As she rolls to her feet she is met with a thick boot to the gut from the Bull. A second kick has her to one knee. The third however she catches and unloads on him with a thunderous slap.
Magnus: HE CAUGHT THE SLAP!
Indeed, Wellington has blocked the right hand and now hits a heavy head-butt to the champion. On the apron DT is pounding the top turnbuckle in support of his partner and stomping the apron to amp the crowd. Dunne Irish whips Mistress back to his own corner and barrels in for a clothesline. Mistress dodges, but misses the blind tag by Cheez. As Wellington rebounds from hitting his chest, Discipline locks in the Dunce Cap choke sleeper! The Glasgow Bull struggles, but finds her grip abnormally tight. He instead slams her back into his own corner and holds her there as she cranks the hold. Finally he slams her back into the turnbuckle three times, and she releases him. He dives away just as Cheez comes launching in with the stinger splash!
Phillips: KAMIKAZE SQUIRREL!
Magnus: I believe the proper term is Nimble Momonga.
Phillips: What?
Magnus: It’s Yu-Gi-Oh, Tom … get hip with the times.
Phillips: Dude, it’s the 2020’s, nobody cares about that anymore.
Wasting little time, the cheddar header pulls the stunned Discipline from the corner and leaps to the second rope, he flips off with a diving bulldog bringing the feisty foe to the mat. Cheez taunts to the crowd and then dives on for mounted punches.
ONE!
TWO!
Mistress slaps him off of her with a thunderous echo.
Mistress pushes to her feet as Cheez lines her up. A running dropkick sends her careening to the ropes, but she uses the momentum to rebound and clothesline the young upstart. A kip up puts Cheez back to his feet in time for a spinning back fist. Shaking off the blow, the streamer barrels in for a clothesline, but Discipline uses his momentum to drag him down and into the bridging crossface!
Magnus: The Suspension! Man I am familiar with those.
Phillips: You have an inversion table or sex swing too?
Magnus: … SCHOOL Suspension … why am I talking to you?
Discipline torques hard on the young man. Dunne steps through the ropes but is cut off by a charging Death Trap who clotheslines him over the top rope then leaps over the top rope to the apron. A diving dropkick sends Wellington into the barricade as Cheez reaches out for his partner and struggles to stay conscious. He claws to the ropes but he is just out of reach. Dunne rushes the ring but is caught by DT. As the two men grapple, Wellington uses his size advantage to pull DT away from the apron and slam him spine first into the ring post, allowing him to reach into the ring and pry apart the fingers of the librarian, freeing his partner.
Phillips: That was a close call, Cheez is not known for his endurance.
Magnus: I can’t recall the last time DT and Mistress have had to fight an opponent with a size advantage on Death Trap. … Because he’s heavy … tub of lard … worst abs in the business.
Mistress Discipline: I CAN HEAR YOU! You hush your mouth about those amazing abs.
Magnus: … grumble grumble … Fine. Just don’t slap me.
Phillips: Slap me all the time…
The momentary distraction is not enough for Cheez to recover and take advantage as he holds his spine in agony. But he is able to get to a vertical base. Mistress grabs him and hits a scoop slam before locking in a deep chinlock. A knee to the spine adds extra pain to the predicament. Cheez reaches out for his partner who leaps back onto the apron but can’t reach the young man. Discipline pulls him to his feet and hits a German Suplex. Cheez grabs the back of his neck in pain as he crashes to the mat. A shining big boot is all that awaits him as he climbs to one knee. Dunne begins to pound on the turnbuckle to get the crowd hyped up. Mistress adjusts her messy hair buns and tags in Death Trap. She hauls Cheez to his feet and holds him in a double chickenwing so DT can unload a question mark kick to the face.
Magnus: Ugh now we have to watch the big oaf “wrestle”
Phillips: Isn’t DT a seasoned veteran and one of the best technical wrestlers in the business.
Magnus: Why yes Tom, he IS boring!
DT locks in a bow and arrow hold as Mistress steps to the apron. He stretches the back of the content creator for a few moments before the ref gets him to break the hold as Cheez has grabbed the bottom rope. DT quickly tags back to Mistress and pulls Cheez out of the corner. A quick high roundhouse sends Cheez stumbling right into a Final Bell bicycle knee strike. Cheez spins right into the Cut the Strings cutter from DT landing him face first on the mat. Dunne just grabs his head in fear on the apron. The ref pushes Mistress away as DT goes to the apron. A quick check shows Cheez isn’t unconscious but he might be out of it. He begins a ten count.
Phillips: School’s Out from Top of the Class.
Magnus: That kid isn’t gonna wake up. Quick let’s distract the crowd with the dancing bears!
Mistress simply stands back in a ready position as the ref counts. At seven, Cheez finally pushes to his hands and knees. At nine, he is to his feet. Mistress charges in and boots him in the gut and sets him up for a powerbomb. But Cheez somehow manages to wriggle free with a hurricanrana! He looks at where he is and sees Dunne all the way across the ring. He begins to crawl but Mistress is to her feet and locks in the Procedure ankle lock with grapevine. Cheez reaches out for his teammate but Discipline begins to use her tremendous strength to scoot them booth back towards her corner.
Phillips: MAH GAWD! The glute power!
Magnus: … Ok that’s fair.
DT reaches over and tags in. He slingshots over with a leg drop across the neck of the smaller competitor. DT hauls him to his feet and sets him up for the Main Attraction! But Cheez manages to wriggle himself free and pokes DT in the eye. He lands on the mat and tries to sprint to his corner but DT holds his arm and whips him back into his own corner! He then unloads a volley of kicks to the chest before hitting a step up enzuigiri to the face. Cheez crumples in a heap on the mat in the corner. Dunne begins to clap to the crowd to get them back into it. DT however poses and soaks in the cheers from the split crowd. Cheez slinks between DT’s legs and crawls to his corner but DT sprints over and knocks Dunne from the apron then pulls Cheez all the way back to the TotC corner. He tags in Mistress and then sets up for a flurry of kicks. A kick from DT, into a SLAP from Mistress, but Cheez uses to momentum to fall to the side and out of the ring. DT sighs and steps to the apron. Mistress follows Cheez outside the ring and grabs him by the waist. She tries to deadlift him into another gutwrench but he curls himself and pulls her face first into the barricade.
Phillips: Cheez looking to regain some control and get Dunne into the ring.
Cheez slowly gets to his feet and grabs a sleeper on Discipline. The tag champ rises to her full height and tries to throw him off but he locks his legs around her body. After a few seconds she drops to a knee. DT leaps off for a double axe handle but Cheez drops off and lets him hit MD!
Magnus: SPOUSAL ABUSE! SECURITY ARREST THAT MAN!
Phillips: … Not cool.
Magnus: Neither is DT!
Cheez scampers into the ring while DT checks on his partner who assures him she is fine. Cheez leaps and tags in Dunne. Discipline rolls into the ring and the two fighters standoff with each other. They grapple and Dunne easily overpowers her and sends her back to the ropes. She comes back with a Final Bell! Dunne rocks back and stumbles but shakes it off leaving Mistress shocked. She leaps for another but he bull rushes her and hits a tackle to the mat instead. Dunne stands slowly and grabs her by the throat with both hands and lifts her to her feet before ramming his shoulder into her chest sending her flying back to the mat. She rolls into a neutral corner and is greeted by a charging shoulder to the gut. Dunne grabs the middle rope and rocks back before ramming her in the gut hard. A visible OOF is heard with each thrust.
Phillips: Such mighty thrusts! Look at the power in those thrusts, Magnus. Have you ever seen such magnificent thrusts?
Magnus: STOP SAYING THRUSTS!
Dunne pulls the battered queen of the DT fan club from the corner and hits a clubbing lariat to flatten her to the mat. The ref checks on her but she is still conscious so he begins a ten count as DT cheers on from the apron. At seven she is on wobbly legs, but upright. A springboard cutter is all she gets from the burly Scot!
Phillips: Scottish Face Breaker!
Magnus: Seems a shame this isn’t happening to DT…
Dunne taunts to the crowd and laughs as Mistress remains still on the mat for a few moments before clawing at the legs of Dunne. She pulls herself up on his legs and he grabs her by the chin. A forearm shot to the chin sends her reeling. She stumbles to her feet and he gets her up in the air in the Fireman’s Carry! But before he can finish his Wild Ride, she slides down behind him and locks in the choke sleeper. Using this to steer the big bull, she guides him to her own corner where DT tags himself in! DT leaps into the ring and chop blocks the big lug before Mistress rolls back and locks in the Procedure on his ankle. Dunne props his front half up on his arms and yells but DT dives on with the Death Trap!!!
Magnus: NO! The Master Class submission is locked in and Dunne is being neutralized!
Phillips: They only get the five count before MD has to leave though.
Sure enough at 4.9 she breaks her hold and rolls under the bottom rope. DT keeps his signature submission in as Dunne struggles to break it. The hold is broken when a tired Cheez runs across the ring with a shotgun dropkick to the chest sending DT into his own corner. Cheez hauls him to his feet and he and Dunne collaborate to crunch DT to the mat with the flapjack/cutter combo! The ref checks on DT but gets waved off by the legend.
Magnus: Stubborn piece of sh-
Phillips: It’s all that stamina and endurance! He must have done some serious training … with his partner … in the home … to last longer.
Magnus: NOOOOOO! Annoyingly DT has always been hard to put down.
Cheez is ushered out by the ref as Dunne shakes off the cobwebs and whips DT hard into the neutral corner. DT crashes hard and turns in the corner only to get a spear into the gut. A loud grunt of agony is heard as Dunne again grabs the middle rope and unloads on the Seattle native with heavy shoulder charges to the stomach. DT drops to the mat holding his stomach in pain as Dunne steps back to catch his breath. A cheer erupts from the crowd for this display of violence. Dunne grabs DT and hits a running powerslam, eliciting another shout of pain from the champ. DT stubbornly rolls to his hands and knees as Dunne clicks his tongue. Wiping sweat from his brow, he pulls DT up to his feet and hits a rolling elbow, but DT responds with a spinning back roundhouse (black mass) to the face as both men collapse.
Phillips: The Hard Sell from DT!
Magnus: Everything about DT is a hard sell. Who could love a lug like that!?
The ref begins to count. At six both men are up. They glare at each other. The Italian Stallion and the Glasgow Bull, face to face. Dunne unloads with a haymaker to the jaw. Death Trap unloads with a kick to the head. Punch, Kick, Punch Kick.
Phillips: Dunne! DT! Dunne! DT!
Magnus: What are you doing?
Phillips: My best Aleister Mayfield impression? Everyone likes him so I thought they would root for me now too.
Magnus: You are no Mayfield, sir.
Dunne breaks the cycle with a shoulder barge. DT kips up and hits a standing dropkick. Dunne rolls to his feet. They begin to just brawl in the middle of the ring before DT drops Dunne with the Cut the Strings! Cheez stomps the apron to boost his partner. Sensing this isn’t enough DT tries to lock in the Seattle Stretch but Dunne manages to roll him around and gets into a full guard position and rains down thunderous hammer fists to the face. DT begins to fade before he reacts on instinct and traps both arms with the hanging double arm bar! Dunne howls in pain as DT tries to dislocate the shoulders. MD and Cheez each sit on the apron exhausted, watching this spectacle. Dunne somehow in this position gets all 260 pounds of DT up into the air and powerbombs him.
Phillips: What an escape!
Dunne catches his breath and rotates his shoulders. He pulls DT to his feet and sets him up for a suplex lift. DT however knees him in the head from the vertical position and they drop back to the suplex setup position. DT cradles Dunne and on instinct, plants him with the Main Attraction Craddle DDT! Both men are down as DT breathes heavy and Dunne grasps the front of his head in pain.
Magnus: No no not like this. Take his title you Scottish bull, you!
DT is the first to slowly stand. He pulls Dunne fully to his feet from the hands and knees position he was in. The Main Attraction hooks Dunne for another cradle DDT but Dunne pulls free and sends DT hard into the corner again. DT is too tired to step away from the corner when Dunne comes barreling in with a full head of steam for another shoulder barge to the gut. DT spits up blood as Dunne rams him again. Dunne slowly backs off holding his head and shaking off the cobwebs. He roars to the crowd before charging again. DT grabs the top rope and swings his feet through the top and middle ropes to the apron as Dunne flies into the corner and shoulder barges the ring post with a resounding metallic THUNK! Dunne remains stuck in the ropes holding his shoulder … for about two seconds before DT unloads with that Hard Sell kick again crushing his head against the ring post with another DING! Dunne collapses to his knees and stays in that position. The ref checks him. He looks out of it but slowly shakes his head and the ref signals it isn’t over. Until it is. As Death Trap hits a running dropkick to the head crushing it into the post again and landing flat backed on the apron in pain. The ref waves the match off.
Sylvia Starr: Your winners by way of KNOCKOUT … and STILL XHF Global Tag Team Champions … TOP OF THE CLASS
[/div]
Magnus: What an amazing tag match. Words can’t describe how good that was. It’s a shame we have to ruin it now.
Phillips: Well fans from the fact that ringside looks like a minibar, I can tell it’s time for the main event-
Magnus: At the BANG Brawl, Off the Wagon had their second victory over the X*Crown champion. Zoran doesn't have an answer for these Super Sake players, and tonight Quake takes the crown!
Randy: I was looking forward to beating that pathetic old man for the title myself at Raison D’ete 3 Night 2 – but when Kris wins the straps? Instead of another Zoran ass kicking, the fans can look forward to Quake defending against me. OFF THE WAGON EXPLODES!
Magnus: Wouldn’t that be ON the wagon?
Phillips: What are you doing here, Randy?
Magnus: You put this much booze around ringside, and it’s like saying Candyman in the mirror three times.
Randy: Magnus isn’t wrong. Besides, with Zoran screwing me and Quake out of our GUNS Tag championship shot earlier – I needed to do something; I’m the designated driver.
Phillips: Dear god.
The camera pans past the cornucopia of liquid bearing containers that have been strewn around ringside, before zooming in on the former Banker’s daughter, who stands in the centre of the ring.
Stella Starr: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT for the XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
Huge pop for the crown.
Stella Starr: It is an “IF YOU CAN DRINK IT, IT’S LEGAL” match – in which any substance that can be consumed can be used as a weapon.
Randy: Kris is in the zone! We’ve been testing all these beverages in the back, so he knows exactly what can do the most damage.
Magnus: ...To your liver.
Phillips: So pre-drinking?
Randy: PLEASE, we’re professionals.
“Outsiders” by Eric Church starts to pump over the PA system.
Stella Starr: Entering first, the challenger – one half of Off the Wagon, presented to us by Super Sake – he stands at 5’11” and weighing in at 180lbs – he comes to us from Sydney, Australia – this is...
KRIS
TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPLE
QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!
Quake staggers out of the back, holding a red burlap Santa sack that is loaded with liquor bottles. The bag isn’t the only thing that is loaded. Despite the jeers from the crowd, anyone who gets within arms’ length enjoys a hug.
Magnus: A lot of sampling you, say?
Randy: We may have gone past Drunken Master peak efficiency...
Quake slings his bag into the ring, almost taking out Starr. Sliding into the ring, Kris proceeds to tell Stella how great she is. She is apparently one of his best friends. He really means it. Please believe him.
Stella Starr: ...thank you. AND HIS OPPONENT, THE CHAMPION-
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
Zoran Sainovic exits through the curtains an impressive face reaction. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. With his working right arm Zoran carries a large bucket of some liquid, while a thermos is tucked under the arm.
Stella Starr: standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – click some like buttons for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: The champion having a hard time carrying his props – I wonder what’s in the thermos?
Randy: It better not be that shitty Red Rice ale he’s always promoting, that stuff will kill you. Unlike- line-
Magnus: Super Sake.
Randy: YES, Super Sake is the best!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Placing the bucket in the corner, and the thermos next to it, Zoran then reaches up with his good hand, to remove the lapel pin that represents the titles – handing it to referee Terry Quills. Quills holds the pin up to Quake, before handing it to timekeeper Sam Burton. The two men stare each other down; Sainovic looks saddened by the inebriated state of Quake, hoping to get the XHF Original in his classic form.
Magnus: AND THEY’RE OFF-
Before the bell can ring, "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Phillips: What is he doing here?
Randy: From the obscenities streaming out of the ring, it looks like he’s getting under Zoran’s skin. No small feat, given how leathery it is.
Arriving at ringside, Recoba joins the commentary table. In the ring, Zoran Sainovic stares daggers at Cross, Randy, and Magnus. If only the champion was a mad bomber and not a knife man, what he wouldn’t give for a grenade.
Phillips: Fans, we have been joined by TAPOUT owner, and HARDKORE World performer, Cross Recoba-
Randy: You didn’t list my credentials!
Phillips: You’ve already gotten three alcohol plugs in.
Cross: Tom, Randy, Magnus- don’t mind me, just scouting the old man ahead of the New Year’s Eve show.
Phillips: Well you seem to have Zoran distracted, the champion still sporting stitches from the BANG Brawl in which you cost him a match to Off the-
Randy: We would have won anyway!
Cross: I’m not here to give Quake the win. I have Zoran on New Year’s Eve, if I want the X*Crown on the line, he has to retain-
Randy: I on the other hand will wrestle the champion, regardless of who has the crown at Raison D’ete – so GO QUAKE GO!
Magnus: Just so long as one of you three rescue it.
While Sainovic curses the commentators, Kris Quake remembers he has a title shot and attacks before the bell-
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
IF YOU CAN DRINK IT, IT’S LEGAL
Zoran Sainovic © vs. Kris “Triple” Quake
DING! DING! DING!
Randy: Senior moment by Zoran. You can’t turn your back on a competitor like Kris – how many times has he taken my wallet?
Magnus: Cross, it seems your head games are already being felt.
Incredibly wasted, Quake’s normal precision striking amounts to more of a windmill. Sainovic doubles over, trying to use his one arm to protect, but getting hammered pretty consistently across the back with forearms that are sloppy but heavy. The Final Boss finally defends with a big elbow, which staggers the drunk.
Cross: I’m surprised to hear you’re so open to me taking the crown to Hardkore World, Magnus.
Magnus: You’d be a sight for sore eyes compared to the current one. Fair play, I just ask that you give one of the GUNS superstars a shot.
Cross: Like Dylan Black?
Magnus: Get fucked Cross.
Quake uses the ropes to steady himself. Is the arena spinning? Sainovic charges in for the kill-
#SHATTER#
Only to have Quake break a bottle of PREMIUM Super Sake over the champion’s head. The heavy bottle shatters, dropping Zoran to his knees – the left side of his head covered in gore, glass, and sake.
Terry Quills: LIQUIDS, QUAKE!
Kris “Triple” Quake (slurred speech): WHAT? I DRINK IT ALL THE TIME!
Zoran Sainovic (trying to rub glass away from his eye): IF you want to see him drink glass, that can be arranged!
Recognizing the murder in Zoran’s eyes, Quake pushes past the admonishments of the referee to continue his sloppy punches on Sainovic. The glass in Zoran’s face cuts up Quake’s fist, but he’s too numb to notice.
Phillips: In this contest, only the liquids are legal weapons – so referee Quills showing great discretion letting it continue after that bottle shot.
Randy: Quake thrashing the old man like a red headed stepchild, you got this Kris!
Powering through the punches, Sainovic rises and uses his good arm to put Quake in a headlock. Quake continues to punch away at Sainovic’s bruised ribs, but Zoran drags him over to the far corner.
Phillips: ZORAN SHOVING QUAKE’S FACE IN A BUCKET OF ICE COLD WATER!
Magnus: Water boarding him, see Zoran is still a monster!
Cross: That’ll sober Quake up.
Randy: NO FAIR! Do you have any idea how long it took us to get Kris’ buzz on?
Ice cubes spill out onto the canvas as Quake struggles against cold. All the water slickens the lighter athlete up to the point where he’s able to slide out of Zoran’s grasp. Sainovic tries to follow, but Quake knocks him back with a shoulder tackle. Shivering from the water, Triple Quake then starts to charge in for a Go To Jail, but before he can get off the ground, Zoran drop toeholds him face first into the ice bucket again.
Kris “Triple” Quake: (SCREAMS LIKE GOOFY)
Quake tries to pull himself out, but his hands slip on spilt ice – sending him face down again. Sainovic is quick to regain his position, repeatedly dunking Quake’s face in the water until he seems back in the moment. Half pinning Kris to the canvas with his knee, Sainovic then grabs the thermos and opens it up.
Randy: I can’t watch!
Magnus: Sainovic pouring hot coffee down Quake’s gullet!
Randy: IS HE TRYING TO KILL HIM?
Phillips: Randy, it’s not even scalding.
Randy: Yeah, but it’s black – and Quake always gets two creams seven sugars. At least from that time in the early nineties when he drank coffee. This is not cool, not cool at all!
When the thermos is finally finished, Sainovic empties what is left of the icy water bucket over Quake for more Goofyesque sound effects. Leaving his opponent a quivering mass, Sainovic heads to a neutral corner – picking glass out of the gapping wound on his temple.
Cross: What an arrogant prick. Why not push the offence?
Phillips: Zoran giving Quake time for the caffeine to kick in – he wanted to defend against the former junior champion! He wants Quake at his best!
Randy: He had Kris at his best! Zoran just fears Kris’ drunken masterness!
Slowly rising to his feet, Kris Quake looks around like he is finally aware of where he is. Sainovic tosses the decorated journeyman a bottle of Super Sake. Quake looks at the bottle longingly, and then drops it to the canvas. The crowd pops hard. It is on.
Magnus: Quake is sober, at least by his standards!
Randy: ZORAN YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
Zoran Sainovic © vs. Kris Quake
The two men meet up in the centre of the ring, with Quake hitting a shouldertackle to take Sainovic down. Sainovic tries to fight back with a Pressure Point, only for Quake to grapple the working arm and pull the leg into an Ashi garami!
Magnus: Quake mainly known for his striking, including judo – but busting out that devastating leglock.
Randy: I didn’t know he knew that one.
Cross: He might not have either.
It takes Sainovic a few rolls before he can finally make it to the ropes, the referee gives Quake a five count to let go of the leglock. When the hold is finally loosened, Sainovic makes his way out to the floor trying to shake off the devastating effects. Getting confident, Quake kicks a few of the ice cubes in the direction of the champion. Taking time to mutter a few curse words at Cross, then Randy, Zoran re-enters the ring.
Phillips: Sainovic’s leg still in rough shape from his defence against Ishimori, and Quake taking advantage.
Cross: In fairness, you’d be hard pressed to target a body part of Zoran that DIDN’T have some damage.
Magnus: Back in the ring, there’s the lock-up...
Sainovic fires Quake off into the ropes, then dives at the younger man’s legs for a Friendly Discussion ’99 – only for Triple to knock him off with a mae-keri kick. Grabbing Zoran’s working arm, Quake fires him off into the corner with an Irish whip – only for the champion to reverse it. Getting behind Quake, Zoran goes for a single-armed Dream Drop – only for Quake to fall out of it, and pull Sainovic into a thrust kick. Though Sainovic is the clear face in this scenario, the crowd applaud the competitive nature and actual wrestling holds. Jumping up to his feet, Sainovic charges in with a GUNS FC Special – only for Quake to catch the knee, and drag it over, rolling through for a half-Boston. Sainovic quickly worms his way over to the ropes for another break.
Randy: Zoran trying to get up using his one arm, and Quake charges in for a DROUGHT- er-
Phillips: The champion counters it with a GUNS FC Special – this time it connects!
Cross: Yeah, but that knee strike hurt Zoran’s right leg as much as it did Quake. Struggling to make the cover-
Randy: Don’t look so smug, you’re the last of us to MAYBE get a shot.
Cross: ...yeah.
Phillips: Zoran with the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Big kickout by Quake!
Randy: Was there ever any doubt!
Getting Quake up, Sainovic powers him into the corner with a rapid fire series of forearm smashes. Finally Quake ducks under one, and fires off a strike combo of his own right, right, right, right, left, right, left, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, European uppercut! The strikes seem to further open up the bottle gash on the champion’s temple. As the first drop of blood hits his eye, the champion is once again fired up with forearm smashes of his own. The two go back and forth with the strikes, though only having a single arm puts Zoran at a disadvantage to Quake’s devastating combos. After a ten-link-chain that has the crowd counting along, Quake rocks the older man with a roaring elbow.
Randy: DROP SAULT!
Magnus: HAS THIS NIGHTMARE FINALLY COME TO AN END-
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Kickout – Cross, did you just shift in your chair like you were going to make the save?
Cross: Where do you come up with this stuff? Don’t you have a minor to groom, Phillips?
Magnus: Touché.
Pulling the champion up, Quake again works his striking combos in the corner. Again, Sainovic attempts to answer with his brutal forearm smashes – but Triple Quake hooks the arm and pulls Zoran out of the corner with an armdrag. Only Sainovic lands on his feet, and immediately counters with a Low Sickle!
Phillips: THERE’S THE LOW SICKLE, and a cover-
ONE!
TWO!
Magnus: Foot in the ropes, and no one for Zoran to blame but himself. At the start of the match, Quake would have had to decide which one of the multiple ropes he was seeing was real!
Phillips: A very different match than we were expecting. Quake is a scrappy striker, but in this sober form, is going toe to toe with the champion.
Cross: And if Zoran’s ugly mug is anything to go by, Quake is getting the better of the deal.
Randy: You all act like Quake needed sobriety to win the title, that’s just a crutch!
After a series of stomps, Sainovic starts to lift Quake up – only to get pulled throat first into the ropes. As Zoran gasps for air, Triple Quake fights his way back up, again going to the punch combination. Fired up, Sainovic uses his right arm to block some shots, while delivering headbutts to stay in the striking game. The two go to town until their both bloody messes. After an exhausting amount of fisticuffs, Sainovic finally blocks a roundhouse right – and starts to follow-up with his Friendly Discussion ’05 – only for Quake to snap off a standing sidekick. The force sends Zoran into the corner for a facewash that further rips the flesh around the bottle shot.
Randy: 10! 11! 12! YOU GOT THIS KRIS!
Phillips: The champion in a bad situation against the ropes, and Quake charging in- this time-
Magnus: DROUGHT CONNECTS!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
The champion manages to get a foot in the ropes at the last second. Undeterred, Kris Quake goes up top for a-
Randy: SENTON BOMB!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: Zoran rolls out of the way, and Quake hits the canvas HARD. Sainovic throwing his arm across for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
Quake uses an elbow strike to the blood gash to break the pin. Both men are slow to get back up to their feet. Sainovic fires off another Pressure Point, only to have Quake again trap the arm and pull the champion into an Ashi garami. It takes Zoran substantially longer to scramble to the ropes, but he eventually get the rope break on the devastating Judo based leglock. After letting go, Quake hits a few quick kicks to transitions into a Judo Choke. With the single arm, Sainovic has a hard time blocking – but does drive a few elbows into Quake’s midsection that make Monopoly regret his earlier festivities. As organs swell, Triple Quake answers these jabs with a Dragon Suplex for 1... 2. Going up top again, Kris starts to go for a missile dropkick, only Sainovic springs up – ducking under the legs to catch Quake mid-air with a jumping neckbreaker. 1... 2... 3? Quake manages to grab the ropes at the very last second, but is in a bad way.
Phillips: What an intensely competitive contest-
Magnus: What do you expect, do you know how many wins Off the Wagon have over Zoran? It was only a matter of time before one of them got the crown!
Phillips: But I don’t think anyone expected this level of competition, thanks to Sainovic sobering him up – we’re seeing Quake wrestle at a level... we haven’t seen since he started keeping Randy’s company!
Randy: Zoran couldn’t have hurt me more if he tried. He’s going to pay for this.
Phillips: Sainovic with a Karma Breaker-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TH-
Magnus: Quake is the younger, fitter, more athletic, healthier specimen in every sense – except for his liver. He has a lot of fight left in him!
Phillips: Clearly worse for wear from Triple Quake’s speed, Sainovic slowing down the pace with an Interrogation ’16.
Magnus: BORING!
After close to a minute trapped in the devastating submission hold, Quake manages to twist it into an inside cradle for 1... 2... big kickout. Both men are quickly up to their feet, where Quake again goes for a combo – only for Sainovic to counter with a scorpion kick. The angle is awkward enough to daze Triple Quake, who is pulled into The Mow Down for 1... 2... 3 foot in the ropes. Sainovic once again slaps on an Interrogation ’16 to ground the high flyer – which gets a very loud boring chant from Magnus. The GUNS owners attempt to dissuade this punishing submission hold go on deaf ears. While applying the hold, Sainovic continues to give Recoba and Randy dirty looks. Eventually Quake tries to reverse it into an inside cradle again, Sainovic puts the breaks on, but this is a fake out that then sees him pulled into a kneelift. Zoran lets go, but tries to grab back on, only to pulling into a brainbuster.
Cross: I don’t know why he’s looking over here; we’ll have our chance to dance soon.
Phillips: Sainovic clearly having his attention split by his cheering section over here, and it’s going to cost him.
Magnus: Damn right, Quake heading up top and just waiting for Sainovic to rise-
Phillips: Despite the dozen liquids around ringside that could be used as weapons, since the coffee took effect – these two men seem more content to wrestle than rely on plunder.
Randy: Disgusting isn’t it? If Kris was knocking them back, he’d have won by now.
Phillips: HERE HE COMES – MISSILE DROPKICK!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
At the last second Sainovic twists, diving forward with a spinning heel kick. His boot catches Quake on the temple, just as the challenger’s dropkick catches him in the chest. Both men hit the canvas hard. Terry Quills starts to administer a 10 count.
Randy: This is ridiculous; Quake knows what he needs to do to win!
#BUMP#
Magnus: Randy left us-
Picking up a giant bottle of Super Sake GOLD edition.
Randy: I got you buddy!
The bottle rolls into Quake, the impact seemingly knocking him back to reality as Quills gets up to the 7. A second later, the bottle rolls back out. The crowd POP for this confident sobriety.
Kris Quake: I have this.
Rising, Triple Quake goes for a GO TO JAIL – which connects, knocking Sainovic into the ropes. Monopoly then charges in with a Drought, only for Sainovic to sidestep it – raising Kris’ leg enough in the process to crotch him on the top rope. Remember the night of a thousand low blows, Sainovic can’t help but yank down on Kris’ leg – crotching him further. A SPIKED bulldog peels the cruiser icon’s gonads off the corner buckle. Rolling him over, Sainovic applies his high angle half-Boston.
Phillips: We’ve seen that a few times lately, as Zoran is using these defences to expand his single arm offence. The only thing keeping him from getting the tap out, is that Quake is out like a light.
Leaning under the ropes, Randy checks on the unconscious Quake. Randy thinks about dragging one of Kris’ arms onto the bottom rope, but it goes slack. This is what sobriety gets you. Deciding that Drunken Mastery is the way to go, Randy opens a bottle of Super Sake and pours it on Quake’s head. Realizing the liquid isn’t waking him, Randy decides to focus on getting the liquor onto the lips. After emptying it, Randy busts out a Super Sake platinum again pouring it into an unconscious Quake’s mouth. This process repeats with: Johnny Walker. Smirnoff. Hennessy. Jack Daniels. Bacardi. Jägermeister. Absolut. Baileys. Captain Morgan. Grey Goose. Crown Royal. Jim Beam. Patrón. Ballantines. Chiavs Regal. Aperol. Morosha. Blende’s Pride. Jameson. Jameson. Jameson. Zubrówka. Johnny Walker. Haywards. Royal Stag. Officer’s Choice. Jack Daniels. Imperial Blue. Jinro Soju. All with fake Super Sake labels on the bottles to avoid Off the Wagon getting in trouble. After the thirtieth bottle of hard liquor has been emptied three feet from him, Zoran starts to notice the smell.
Cross: NOW Zoran notices – there is enough alcohol splashed in that corner of the ring to burn this building down.
Phillips: Letting go of the half-Boston, Zoran kicking Randy away from the ropes-
Magnus: We may need paramedics down here.
Phillips: That was a lot of booze that Quake consumed while unconscious.
Returning to his opponent, Zoran Sainovic starts to go for a Pressure Point – only for Quake to sidestep it. Was that a hiccup?
Randy (raising arms in victory): DRUNKEN MASTER MODE!
Smiling and not quite sure where he is, Quake raises his arms to match Randy’s enthusiasm.
Randy (still standing at ringside yelling at the announcers): Get ready for some Matrix bullet time dodging shit, cause he’s in the zone!
Perhaps there is a logic to this madness. The champion takes a defensive stance, while the challenger – attempts and fails to do cartwheels.
Randy (cringe): I think we may have gone past Mastery again.
Magnus (spitting mad): You think?
Cross: I hate to admit it, but Quake could have won the crown here – but thanks to his partner, that possibility seems unlikely.
No more coffee to restart the wrestling aspect of the match. Shaking his head in disappointment, and cursing Randy – The Final Boss goes in for the kill.
Phillips: CONDITIONIZER-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Zoran Sainovic: (Wilhelm scream)
Phillips: IS HE INSANE!?
Magnus: Jesus!
Cross: That... was uncalled for.
Too inebriated to know where he is, let alone that it would be a crime so horrid as to ostracize him from society – a playfully smashed Kris “Triple” Quake splashes a bottle of Regret Hot Sauce in Zoran Sainovic’s face.
Phillips: ZORAN JUST TOOK 12 MILLION SCOVILLE HEAT UNITS TO THE FACE!
Magnus: Uh… Fucking Quake, you don’t do that to a human being.
Phillips: Did he get it in the eyes? We could see his corneas melt out!
Reaching around blindly, Zoran empties what he hopes is a carton of milk into his face. How much of the substance got near his eyes is anyone’s guess, but they both seem to be sealed shut. Still oblivious to the fact that he just got written out of society for being a monster, Quake goes for the pin.
Phillips: I’m not calling that.
Cross: Why the referee is letting the “match” continue is beyond me.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Before the three count, Zoran kicks out – though it might have just been an involuntary spasm from the pain. Sainovic continues to shake violently from the agony, finding random containers to pour into his face, driven mad from the pain. Quake just sees this as an opportunity to make more pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Another spasm.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Nope. Pain giving way to rage, a blinded Zoran reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a bottle. Drunken Master Quake again goes for a pin, so Zoran blindly reaches out, and pulls him into a headlock. Forcing Quake to the canvas, Zoran unloads the bottle into his mouth-
Cross: Disulfiram.
Phillips: That’s the one that makes alcoholics really sick?
Cross: Given how much booze Randy forced into his partner, I’d say that even though none of us can imagine the pain that Zoran is currently in, at least Quake will spend the next few days wishing for death.
When the bottle is finally done his gullet, a repulsed Quake shoves Zoran off – gagging. The referee checks on Quake, wondering if he wants to give up. Sainovic reaches around for more liquids to flush his face with. With the referee distracted and Sainovic by the ropes, Randy Angel takes the time to smash a bottle of Super Sake Donkey Punch Edition over the champion’s head. It explodes in a shower of thick glass, and seems to completely knock out the champion.
Randy: Kris over here!
#BUMP#
Phillips: Where is he going?
Holding his gut in agony, but happy to crawl – Triple Quake covers the unconscious champion.
Magnus: Here we go!
Phillips: Not like this-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Cross Recoba jumps up on the apron, drawing the referee’s attention away from the cover.
Magnus: God damn Cross.
Phillips: Randy Angel almost scoring the win for his Off the Wagon partner, only for Cross Recoba to distract from the pin.
Magnus: Quake had it!
Randy Angel gets up on the apron and starts arguing Recoba. Referee Terry Quills tries to get them both under control. Quake goes back to holding his stomach in pain. Coming too, Zoran grabs another bottle to wash his face with – only to recognize the scent. He chugs on the bottle, before reaching into his pocket for a lighter-
Phillips: Zoran Sainovic with a bottle of kerosene-
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Phillips: BREATHS FIRE AT THE APRON – SENDING CROSS AND RANDY FALLING OFF!
This silences the voices, but the triumph is short lived, as Quake catches Zoran from behind.
Phillips: BACKSLIDE!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: YEA-
Only Sainovic shifts his weight, rolling out. Quake tries to roll with him, but Sainovic puts a stop to it with a thrust kick to the gut. Kneeling on Quake’s poisoned guts, Zoran hooks both legs with his good arm, and pulls back for a vicious pin.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
The crowd erupt. Recovering on the outside, Randy Angel and Cross Recoba both make sure they aren’t burnt before starring holes into the champion. Kneeling in the ring, possibly blind – The Final Boss sneers back at the abyss.
Stella Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION-
THE FINAL BOSS
ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: It’s not fair!
Phillips: Cheer up Magnus, after the war we just witnessed, the champion might be forced to relinquish his crown on medical grounds.
Magnus: Quake had this match won!
Phillips: He definitely gave Zoran a run for his money, and without the involvement of Randy Angel it might have gone the other way.
Magnus: When they finish pumping Quake’s stomach, or he wakes from his coma, it's a crapshoot – but when Kris sees the replay of this match, he’s going to have some stern words for his partner.
Phillips: Meanwhile, both Cross Recoba and Randy Angel are starring down the champion. Depending on the results, they might not be title matches, but one thing is clear – The Final Boss will fight BOTH THESE MEN on New Year’s Eve! First Randy, then Cross – with only the Pacific Ocean between the two events. Thank god for time zones am I right?
Magnus: The question isn’t who will win the crown, but which of these two!
Phillips: And on that note, I am Tom Phillips for Magnus and the GUNS crew – wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season! See you on New Year’s Eve!
