Oh Violent Night 3: CIVIL WARGAMES
Dec 19, 2022 1:08:50 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 5 more like this
Post by Jesse Jamester on Dec 19, 2022 1:08:50 GMT -5
Texas Death Match
DemoniK vs Esmeralda von Krauss
Yahk gets into the ring, he leans over to get through the ropes, causing half of the women population in the crowd to nearly lose their lunch. He stands in the middle of the ring and pushes his glasses up, but they fall down again to the end of his nose. He looks around at the crowd all bleary eyed as he looks over his glasses due to their placement.
Bart Frost: Are you kidding me? This dude is ancient, he’s ugly. He’s the one announcing?
Cramer Krampus: Yep. He’s a retired reindeer keeper. Just right for the job.
Bart Frost: So, he’s half elf. He’s not going to die like poor Elfas is he? Old people die.
Cramer Krampus: I hope not. We don’t have anyone else.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The following contest is a Texas Death match! The winner will be the one who gets a pinfall on the other and then the opponent cannot answer a ten count. Featuring the challenge -- ESMERALDA VON KRAUSS!
“Gods and Monsters” by Jessica Lange begins playing as Esmeralda von Krauss walks out from the back in a shimmering red gown and a blood red foot long cigarette holder with a smoldering Egyptian cigarette in it. She regards the booing crowd with a smile before heading down to the ring. She steps through the ropes as aided by Yahk, getting a few catcalls from her leaning over. She steps into the ring and flicks her cigarette butt at the crowd, renewing the boos from them. She slips the gown off of her shoulders and it falls to the floor to reveal a black singlet. She hands the cigarette holder, a red clutch, and her dress to Yakh, who places them in the corner.
Bart Frost: So Yahk is now a ho keeper?
Cramer Krampus: No? Why you ask?
Bart Frost: He is keeping Esmeralda’s stuff for her.
Cramer Krampus: I see. No, he is not a ho keeper.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: And her opponent…as accompanied by Wendy…he is DemoniK!
A red haze takes over the stage as ‘Sleepy Hollow’ by Deadsy feat. Jonathan Davis begins playing while a pale skinned eight year old girl dressed in a long black school uniform walks timidly out from the back dragging a steel chain behind her. Clearly attached to something, she struggles to pull it along.
Stopping, a sharp and vicious pull by the macabre girl suddenly brings slack to the chain.
Strobe lights flash as it steps out shielding it’s eyes, DemoniK steps onto the stage to the roar of boos from the Fireside faithful. The chain leading to a collar around its neck, it no longer resists her.
Pulling the monster closer and closer, it crouches to kneel before her. Wendi whispers something to her pet and receives a slow nod that it’s understood its instructions.
Pointing to the ring, Wendi waits for DemoniK to follow her instruction. Slowly, it begins stalking its way to the ring with Wendi casually walking behind, DemoniK rolls into the ring to stand in the corner while Wendi takes a seat near the timekeeper’s table, leaving it in the ring snarling occasionally as it awaits its meal.
Bart Frost: That thing looks like it eats kittens.
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know if it eats kittens or not, but it is scary. Did you see that?
Bart Frost: See what?
Cramer Krampus: I thought I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye.
As the bell sounds to start the match, the few audience members in the prison cheer as DemoniK begins to stalk Esmeralda, who looks rather bored already. DemoniK tests the waters with a few punches that Esmeralda easily blocks. DemoniK speeds his attacks up that Esmeralda easily catches up with and returns a strike to the side of the head that DemoniK shrugs off with ease. Esmeralda frowns and this allows DemoniK to get in an uppercut to the jaw that staggers Esmeralda back a few steps. DemoniK follows that up with a double axe handle shot that knocks Esmeralda down to her knees. He continues to pummel her with double axe handles until she’s laid out on the mat. She rolls out of the ring to gather herself up.
Bart Frost: DemoniK with the initial assault. Beat that bitch ho!
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know if you want to say that too loud.
Bart Frost: Oh yeah? What’s she gonna do?
With a smooth motion, Esmeralda goes to her thigh where her upholstery needles are holstered and flings one at Bart, piercing his ear with it. It sits halfway though his ear.
Cramer Krampus: That.
Bart Frost: Oh shit! I guess she’s not a bitch ho?
Cramer Krampus: I would stop before she flings another needle.
Bart Frost: Right.
Cramer Krampus: Esmeralda should really pay attention to DemoniK though.
DemoniK runs across the ring, diving over the ropes, and taking Esmeralda down to the floor. Esmeralda rolls away and to her feet, ducking under a wild swing from DemoniK and driving an upholstery needle into its leg.
DemoniK backs away while howling in pain, ripping the needle out of his leg. Blood flows down its leg as it throws down the needle and leaps at Esmeralda in an attempt to rake her eyes. Esmeralda deflects the blow and palm strikes DemoniK in the face. She grabs it by the back of the neck and steps through the audience with him that part like the Red Sea. She tosses DemoniK so that its face slams into the prison wall, leaving a bloodstain.
DemoniK stands back up, blood trickling down the side of its face from the gash in its forehead. Esmeralda smiles at it and draws another upholstery needle.
Wendy: RUN!
DemoniK takes off running down one of the hallways leading to one of the cell blocks. Esmeralda watches it run and casually flings her needle to hit it in the back of the right knee where it sinks through to poking out through the kneecap. It falls to the floor, grasping at its knee.
Bart Frost: Oh snap! That’s gonna leave a mark!
Cramer Krampus: A mark? That might hamstring it for the rest of the match!
Esmeralda walks over to by DemoniK, who is trying to crawl into a cell. She steps on its back and seizes the cell door, sliding it closed on DemoniK’s head! She drags it into the hallway, leaving a blood trail from its head and goes for the cover. The ref gets into position.
One!
Two!
Three!
Esmeralda von Krauss gets up and steps back as the referee begins counting DemoniK out.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
7…
Cramer Krampus: DemoniK sits up!
Bart Frost: Esmeralda hasn’t done enough damage yet to keep DemoniK down!
Cramer Krampus: Oh, I’m sure she’ll do some more damage before the match is finished.
DemoniK gets to its feet while Esmeralda watches. She rushes at it, going into a squat to pounce up and hit her finishing palm strike to the jaw when DemoniK hits a knee strike to her jaw, knocking her backwards into a roll back to her feet. It doesn’t let up, hitting her with a running lariat to knock her down to the floor. She rolls away and to her feet when DemoniK throws a few body blows before picking her up like it was doing a bodyslam and just hurling her head first into the wall!
Esmeralda curses in German as she slowly gets up, bleeding dark blood from her forehead. Though the cut quickly seals itself, she looks angry. She rushes at DemoniK, hitting a roundhouse kick to the side of the head to take it down.
Esmeralda hits a moonsault leg drop while DemoniK tries to get up to smash its face onto the floor. She picks it up to its feet and whips it back towards the ring. She follows, grabbing it around the head and hitting a running bulldog that splatters blood across the floor. She rolls it over and goes for the pinfall!
One!
Two!
Three!
Esmeralda rolls into the ring to wait while the referee begins counting DemoniK out.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
7…
DemoniK sits up.
Bart Frost: Well, who didn’t see that coming.
Cramer Krampus: I was on the edge of my seat!
Bart Frost: Is that because of the itching powder I put in your underwear drawer?
Cramer Krampus: THAT’S why it itches! You son of a-
Bart Frost: Don’t want to be cursing on live television now.
Cramer Krampus: You’re right. You suck so bad, but you’re right.
DemoniK rolls into the ring and Esmeralda meets him with several right hands to the side of the head. DemoniK rakes her eyes and reaches down to the back of its knee and rips the upholstery needle out. It jams the needle into the side of Esmeralda’s neck! Esmeralda’s mouth hangs open in a soundless scream as she staggers backwards, reaching for the needle.
DemoniK doesn’t let her breath, hitting a heart punch that sends her to the mat. DemoniK goes for the pinfall.
One!
Two!
Three!
DemoniK gets up and backs away so that the referee can count Esmeralda out.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
Esmeralda sits up!
She grabs the needle in the side of her neck and rips it out with a spray of dark blood across the mat. It stops in seconds and Esmeralda tosses down the needle with another German curse. It comes at her, seizing her by the throat, and lifting her into the air. Esmeralda strikes it in the throat with a fingertip strike to get it to release the hold and stagger backwards while clutching at its throat. Esmeralda bounces off of the ropes and comes back at it, squatting down and leaping up while striking a palm strike to the underside of its jaw! She goes for the pinfall.
One!
Two!
Three!
Esmeralda gets up and backs away as the ref begins to count it out.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
7…
Wendi begins slapping the mat…
8…
9…
10!
Bart Frost: Esmeralda put the demon down! Kinda like I did you with the itching powder.
Cramer Krampus: I guess.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Winner of the match, Esmeralda von Krauss!
Submission Challenge
Sinclair Godfrey vs Mistress Discipline
"The Planets Op. 32: IV. Jupiter- Bringer of Jollity" by Gustav Holst begins to play throughout the Penitentiary's newly installed speakers, specifically for this event. Mistress Discipline steps through a sliding iron guard door, letting some spotlights hit her as she adjusts the high collar and neckline of her trademark blue blouse. She marches to the ring with a purpose and without glasses because she wears contacts into the ring so she can see. She rolls into the ring and adjusts her trademark hair buns. She steps into the corner and begins stretching her arms while awaiting her opponent (she will not be bending over).
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Entering the ring at this time, hailing from Raleigh, North Carolina! She is one half of the reigning XHF Tag Team Champions Top of the Class! This is Mistress Discipline!
The slender form of the Baroness of Donzig-gun appears, walking slowly from the back before she pauses at the top of the ramp. She flings back the train of her long coat, then lifts her arms to spread them slowly as the lights return to normal. She flashes an insane grin at the ring, then stalks down the ramp to roll inside with her eyes narrowed on Mistress Discipline.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Her opponent, representing Donzig-gun. She is the Baroness Sinclair Godfrey!
The Baroness glowers, pointing at Mistress Discipline as she berates her. Discipline shakes her head, frowning before the ref calls for the bell. Discipline steps back, and circles around Godfrey before she snaps off a hard kick at her legs. Godfrey fumes, and lunges forward to fire off a series of strikes at Discipline! Discipline blocks a few, then starts batter back before flinging Sinclair at the ropes.
Sinclair was flipped to the mat on the rebound, but Discipline jerked her arm upwards as she drove knee into her back. She twisted her arm, extending it as Sinclair snarled as she tried to get a foot on the ropes. Discipline pulled her back, but Sinclair twisted to throw a kick into her face.
They came apart, Sinclair shaking her arm as she moved around Mistress Discipline slowly. Mistress lunged forward, but Sinclair rolled aside to lock her arms around her waist before hitting a side suplex! Then she pounced, grabbing Discipline’s leg before she planted a foot behind her knee to drive it into the ring three times! Then she leaned back, locking on a single leg Boston Crab!
Bart Frost:
Cramer Krampus:
Cramer Krampus:
The fans groan, and Discipline shakes her head at the ref as Sinclair screams for her to tap. Discipline twists, straining for the ropes before she lifts herself upwards before she jerks forward, twisting to throw Sinclair off balance! The prison crowd eats it up, and Mistress Discipline grabs her around the neck, hauling her backwards as her arms coil around her head and throat.
Sinclair yanks back, flinging herself backwards to flip across Discipline’s head to escape. She is on her feet, and tries to kick at Discipline who rolls away to regain her feet with a slow nod. The Baroness fumes, and wades in with her fists flying. Discipline leans back, arms lifting to cover up as she moves back. Sinclair in a fury, throws a stiff kick only to have Mistress grab her leg before she hits the Inferno Dragon Screw!
Sinclair drops to the mat, grabbing at her leg before Discpline snaps a kick across her face! Blood flows, and then Discipline locks on the ‘Referral’! The fans cheer, and Godfrey grabs for the ropes as she let’s out a howl of pain. The ref asks if she wants to tap, and she shakes her head trying to drag herself for the ropes.
Discipline has it locked on deep!
A hand reaches out, grabbing the referee to knock him off balance! The hold is broken and the fans are fuming as Sinclair pulls herself up the ropes with a slight limp. Mistress Discipline is back on her feet, and she frowns before she rips Godfrey from the ropes to start delivering hard chops that rock the Baroness into the corner.
The fans count as Mistress Discipline delivers slap after slap across the chest of Sinclair Godfrey before she drags her from the corner. A shake of her head, and she throws the Baroness at the ropes but Godfrey reverses!
Mistress Discipline is dropped to the mat on the rebound by a vicious kick across her chest. And Sinclair wastes no time, grabbing her head in the Sicilian Claw! The ref checks on Discipline, who shakes her head before her arms reach upwards to grab Sinclair’s arm! She jerks her forward, flipping her to the mat before she locks on the armbar!
Sinclair screams in frustration, wrenching and twisting as she reaches for the ropes as Discipline jerks her away as the hold tightens. Sinclair jerks at the hold, trying to get the ropes before she finally pushes back to roll to her feet. She lifts Discipline, staggering before Discipline releases the hold before her legs move to coil around her head and neck!
The fans explode, and Sinclair jerks away to avoid the hold! Discipline rolls back to her feet, and the Baroness glares as she rolls her shoulder. Discipline presses the advantage, and comes in with a double axe handle. Sinclair staggers, and breaks away but Discipline tries to jerk her back towards the center of the ring.
The Baroness flings her at the ropes, and delivers a clothesline that sends Discipline to the outside! A snarl of rage, and Sinclair follows her to the outside to start battering away at her as she rises before flinging her at the ring. Then she lifts her upwards, nailing a backdrop on the edge of the apron!
The fans groan, and Discipline grabs at her back as the ref tries to get things back under control.
Sinclair stares at the ref, grabbing Discipline to fling her back inside before she slides in after her. She drops down in the corner, a wild look in her face as an evil grin spreads across her face as she steps behind her. She stomps on her back, reaching down before hooking Discipline’s arms to cross them over her chest.
The fans groan, knowing what is coming as she plants her boot on the back of Discipleine’s head.
WITCH’S HAMM– DISCIPLINE JERKS HER HEAD AWAY!
Sinclair’s foot stomps down on the ring, and she stumbles in disbelief before whirling around but Discipline sweeps her foot away to drop her to the mat! Sinclair starts to rise, but Mistress Discipline is too fast!
KOJI CLUTCH!
The place is going wild s Mistress Discipline tightens the hold, yanking and ripping as Sinclair reaches for the ropes. Her fingers narrowly miss it, and she flails as she pushes towards them again as Discipine leans back hard as Godfrey lunges but once again misses.
She starts to laugh, and then her head drops as the ref lifts her arm.
One…
Two..
Three!
Mistress Discipline breaks the hold, shaking her head as she holds at her back as she looks down at the Baroness before the ref lifts her arm high.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Your winner via submission, MISTRESS DISCIPLINE!
Bart Frost: A strange but strong win by the Mistress.
Cramer Krampus: I need to get her number. That's my kinda woman.
Cramer Krampus: I need to get her number. That's my kinda woman.
Last Man Standing
Donzig vs Armand von Krauss
Main Event
Civil War Games
The Pillars of Violence
Dylan Black, Jesse Jamester, PRICE, & Spike Kane
vs
Steve Awesome Presents
Awesome Bastards & Crinkly Bottom Boys
vs
El BANG! Hermanos and Friends
Curtis Kanyon & El Combatiente & Zoran Sainovic & Hardcore Harry
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The following contest is our MAIN EVENT of the evening! Scheduled for ONE FALL! As agreed upon this match will be regulated under WARGAME RULES! One member of each team will start the match. Every two minutes a random member will join. Once all members of all teams have entered the cage, the match officially begins! First pinfall or submission wins their team the bout!
Panning the Eastern State Penitentiary inner workings, the camera takes on a tour through the front gate. A structure built and fortified to keep those inside remaining there. The iron bars and barbed wire lined chain link fence are only a fraction of the barriers seen as the camera walks through the first individual door and comes to a stop. The iron door slides open and a buzzer goes off in conjunction.
Bart Frost: Welcome back to Oh Violent Night three!
Cramer Krampus: Ugh, I’m glad this is the main event, I’m tired of this.
Bart Frost: Of what? It’s been an exciting show so far, Kranky Kramps. Have some eggnog!
Cramer Krampus: Pass. Just like many people in the XHF when they heard of this stupid night.
We proceed through a great hall into a holding area. Here is where inmates would be stripped and sprayed of their dignity. Washed and clothed, we make our way through the first set of cells, stacked four rows high with giant stairs zig zagging in three areas. When the Prison was active, a guard would reside on each plateau of stairs, armed with full metal jackets.
Bart Frost: We are about to get into the Civil Wargames main event. Who do you think gets first blood tonight?
Cramer Krampus: Hope it’s Kanyon, the former President. Politicians' suffering is divine.
Tonight the halls were decorated with barbed wire wrapped Christmas lights, draping through hallways and lining the cells. The prison, while ghostly in its presence, tonight had a holiday cheer.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing first, hailing from Hokkaido, Japan! Weighing in this evening at two hundred and five pounds! A Pillar of Violence! The Daemon Prince of Destruction! The Cyborg Assassin! Ladies and gentlemen I give you — DYLAN BLACK!
A live orchestra of violins play a lullaby of the famous theme song. Suddenly the violin strumming turns into metal shredding guitars, the arm of Dylan Black rips through the backdrop screen as he steps through. The entrance area was made out of the cafeteria south side doors, helping separate the teams before the big fight in the cafeteria. Three rings linked together with steel walls surrounding it. Out walks the two time former XHF X*Crown Champion and 2021’s XHF Rumble winner; calm, cool and Clint Eastwood collected — Dylan Black has arrived at Civil Wargames.
Cramer Krampus: Dressed like the emo goth love child of the nineties that fell in love with grunge music.
Bart Frost: The youngest and most successful star in the XHF, setting a trail of fire with his XHF X*Crown championships and Rumble win.
Cramer Krampus: Oh ho ho, Dylan won something. I’m over it. He needs to shut up and get decked.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing next, hailing from Los Angeles, California! Weighing in this evening at two hundred nineteen pounds! Representing El Hermanos BANG Bros, a former Junior Heavyweight Champion of the XHF, and a member of the winners of Call to Arms two years running – EL COMBATIENTE!
“To Live and Die in LA” by Tupac plays throughout the speakers as another iron door slides open on the western side of the hall. Out walks one half of El Hermanos Bros tag team, the ever elusive, El Combatiente, dressed for the occasion in a special Christmas green with white wrist stitching on the seams. Taking his time to get to the ring, El Combatiente stares at the structure for this evenings Civil Wargames. Grabbing the mesh cash siding and shaking it as he steps up the steps of the open door. One leg goes slowly through the ropes as El Combatiente ushers Dylan Black to stand back and allow him to enter. Dylan’s eyebrows ruffle before he throws a side glance and steps back into a corner, gesturing the floor was all El Combatientes. Finally the former XHF Junior Heavyweight champion enters the ring. Taking a roll to the center and springing to his feet as he is so known to do.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing next, hailing from Crinkly Bottom, England! He would not allow us to weigh him but he represents the team of Steve Awesome Presents! Former XHF Tag Team Champion and one half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys — NOEL EDMUNDS!
Crinkly Bottom Boys music hits and the team comes out. Noel Edmunds talks Mr Blobby into going back to the waiting area, per the Wargames rules. With a frown on his face Mr Blobby obliges. Taking his time walking the aisle, Noel Edmunds is focused on the two men inside already. From the arena rafters lowers the cage top, equipped with weapons. With precision the top of the Wargames cage is finally in place, containing all of the madness about to be spilled in Pennsylvania’s famous Penitentiary. Dylan Black and El Combatiente waste zero time as they immediately grab weapons. Edmunds walks around to the cage door and grabs a table from under the ring, sliding it in the doorway before entering the battlegrounds. The referee locks the door. The wall shows a projection of the timer for this match. Flashing all zeroes before it shows the two minute countdown and the total time of the match below it, starting at 00:00. The referee signals for the bell and this one begins!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
El Combatiente takes a chain from the cage roof and aims his attack at the Messiah of Mayhem. Wrapping Dylan’s shoulders, El Combatiente restricts Dylan’s arms and ripcords him into the cage wall! Dylan rebounds with a springboard elbow to El Combatiente’s nose! The chain flies from EC’s hand and ends up near the apron area where the rings met. Noel Edmunds has set up the table in the first ring and makes his way to the third ring where EC and Dylan are. Axe handle smash off the top from Edmunds to the back of Black! Noel shoots Dylan to the turnbuckle and follows up with a monkey flip. EC springboards off the cage and leg drops Dylan seconds after Edmunds flip is executed! Edmunds and EC rise to face one another. Spanish is spoken briefly as we hear the female dog persuasion used by EC as he throat chops Noel Edmunds!
Cramer Krampus: An exchange of the tongues goes poorly for one half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys.
Bart Frost: Dylan Black breaks a singapore cane over the back of El Combatiente!
Cramer Krampus: Right back to the carnage! Ah, I love it.
Dylan uses the cane to straighten El Combatiente before laying it across his chest and grabbing the other end as he loops his arm over the neck and shoulder of EC, delivering a Russian leg sweep into the turnbuckle! Smash! A superkick connects with the shoulder of Black, sending him into the turnbuckle and squishing EC below him with his backside. Noel waits for Dylan to turn around and does a double finger poke! Blinded temporarily, Dylan grabs at his face with one hand while he swings wildly with the other. Noel smirks as he steps back, admiring his handy-work, before back body dropping Dylan into the center of the ring. Sunset flip driver! El Combatiente springs up and uses Edmunds own momentum to hit the move with precision! He goes for a pin but it’s for not as the referee shakes his head.
Bart Frost: He sure looked goofy trying to get a pin.
Cramer Krampus: Right after being explained the match rules too.
Bart Frost: I’ll chalk that up as instinct, as we know El Combatiente has a resume that rivals the constitution.
Cramer Krampus: Wouldn’t go that far.
Rolling Edmunds off him, EC gets up and is hit with a kick to the abdomen by Black. A grapple is initiated between the two men, leading them to the ropes as they jockey for the advantage. EC stomps the foot of Dylan and locks Dylan in a headlock before dragging Black’s face the length of the top rope. El Combatiente spins and springs into an elbow smash attack that rocks Dylan in the corner. Irish whip, EC sends Dylan the distance of the ring, to which Dylan is able to jump up on the second turnbuckle, grabbing a trash can and launching it at the running El Combatiente!
Bart Frost: Trashcan to the face of El Combatiente!
Cramer Krampus: No way to prepare for that one.
Bart Frost: You obviously have never seen DodgeBall.
The clock begins to tick down the final ten seconds as ring announcer retired reindeer keeper Yahk stands up at ringside with microphone in hand.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Representing the OG BANG! Bros, a former President — CURTIS KANYON!
Walking through the prison we see the trained security guards escort Curtis Kanyon towards the Eastern State Penitentiary’s cafeteria where the rings surrounded by the Wargames cage has been set up for tonight’s main event. Out through the far south doors comes the El Hermanos BANG! Bro himself, Curtis Kanyon.
Bart Frost: What a Republic thing to do,I know I didn’t vote for him, look at that attire, so eighties of him.
Cramer Krampus: Too late in this one to call for a revote, we’re stuck with the El Hermanos BANG Bros taking an early advantage.
Bart Frost: As we see the BANG! Bros double team their foes here and make an example of their supremacy, may I remind everyone to call 1-888-444-OVN3 and give us 30 seconds of your best impression of your favorite XHF star!
Kanyon takes to the ring and aids his partner EC as he double shoulder blocks Noel Edmunds and Dylan Black! Kanyon is fired up, showing that intensity that brings him to the grand stage time after time. Kurtis with a power slam to Noel Edmunds! EC comes off the turnbuckle with a spinning wheel kick to the back of Dylan Black, sending him face first into the cage wall. EC rolls to his feet and high fives Kanyon.
Cramer Krampus: BANG Hermanos on the same page and make use of their team advantage.
Bart Frost: Expected this duo to do that. They know each other so well.
Kanyon and El Combatiente show the team work that has delivered many championships, slapping thighs and delivering a flapjack into a double knee gutbuster to The Crinkly Bottom Boy Edmunds. Dylan is Irish whipped to the ropes and heaved into the air by Kanyon, but Black has other plans and reverses into a tornado DDT! EC comes at Dylan on the rebound and hurracarana’s him into the turnbuckle! Dylan rolls sideways and out of ring one and into the middle section between the rings. Shaking off the attack, he rises between the rings. EC comes rushing at him and receives a shoulder thrust to the stomach at the ropes! Dylan grabs the ropes and flips over EC, rolling off his back and clotheslining the rising Kanyon! Dylan rebounds and EC leaps up for a dropkick! Dylan does the same and both men dropkick the other in the chest area, hitting the canvas hard in unison!
Cramer Krampus: Punch drunk hits hard.
Bart Frost: I don’t think he’s drunk.
Cramer Krampus: No, but that hit was like a last call. It was sudden and out of nowhere.
Edmunds is up, looking worse for wear as he and Dylan fight at a disadvantage against the well equipped team of El Bang Hermanos. Edmunds grabs a chair from the cage roof and prepares for the first member of the team to rise. Kanyon is that man, and BANG!
Bart Frost: Former President Kanyon slices through the politics. Breaking Noel Edmunds nearly in half!
Cramer Krampus: A football coach somewhere is proud, but pretty predictable of ole’ Curtis.
Bart Frost: Dylan Black attacks Kanyon!
Swinging the Singapore cane over the back of Kanyon, Black uses the cane to choke Kanyon as he drops him with a reverse neck breaker onto his knee! Kanyon rolls around holding his neck as EC finds another Singapore cane and swings it at Dylan’s shoulder. The two have a stand off as the timer counts down from ten.
Bart Frost: A duel of canes, wasn’t that in the Bible?
Cramer Krampus: Do I look like I went to church?
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Cleveland, Ohio! Weighing in this evening at 245 pounds! Representing the Pillars of Violence and known as ‘the Messiah of Hardcore’, ‘The Godfather of Violence’, the Horror of the Squared Circle, — PRICE!
“Point of No Return” by Immortal Technique blares through the prison area where the Civil Wargames was being held. Like a lightning bolt, the fans seated in the VIP section of the hall (levels above and blocked off from using the bottom stairs) bolt out of their seats and begin stomping for the Messiah of Hardcore PRICE! He comes out with a chair in hand, wrapped in barbed wire courtesy of his team member, we imagine. Dragging it at his side he smashes the steel cage side wall once before he throws the chair through the open door and flips the ring apron up. Grabbing more weapons tucked under the ring, PRICE is doing what he is known best for - bringing the house of hardcore with him.
Bart Frost: PRICE bringing the party with him!
Cramer Krampus: Now this is how I want to celebrate Christmas. Hardcore hell and all my relatives, what a day that would be.
Bart Frost: I presume you and the family don’t get along then?
Cramer Krampus: Haven’t seen them in decades. It’s for the best, trust me.
The Messiah of Hardcore gets in the ring after slinging an abundance of weapons through the open door. Scattered amongst the mess, PRICE grabs the chair he originally had and swings it at the first BANG! Member he sees, in this case, El Combatiente. The masked star takes the welt full on and the chair bends around the cranium, leaving an indent, before he drops to the mat. PRICE tosses the chair to Dylan in the second ring and points as Noel Edmunds is seen climbing the cage behind him to grab a weapon. SMASH! Cracking the chair off the lower back and rear end of Noel Edmunds, the Crinkly Bottom Boy falls on the ropes and ball busters himself as a result.
Cramer Krampus: Poor Blobby ain’t gonna have any kids after that one.
Bart Frost: Are they, uh, a couple?
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know nor care, but I assumed so when I saw them together.
Bart Frost: You can’t assume these things in this day and age Cranky Cramps. It’s not woke.
Cramer Krampus: Then call me Cramer UNWoke Krampus, I don’t give a ——!
The expletive was bleeped out by the chair shot that came next as Dylan smashed Noel Edmunds while on the ropes holding himself in pain. The steel seat of the chair is completely unhinged after the hit and leaves the chair a frame of the outside legs and back. Dylan drops it to the canvas and nods to PRICE who is maneuvering a table in the first ring. Dylan grabs El Combatiente and throws him through the ropes into the middle section, guiding him towards the table. PRICE smiles like the sick bastard he is.
Bart Frost: Just wait for Mister Blobby to get out here. I heard he has a big move he’s planning on unveiling just for tonight’s event.
Cramer Krampus: What is he going to do, a snot blob?
Bart Frost: Don’t underestimate Mister Blobby - it’s what makes him dangerous.
Cramer Krampus: Oooooooh, I’m so scared. Pffft.
The count down timer begins beeping at the ten second countdown.
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada! Weighing in this evening at 285 pounds! Representing Steve Awesome Presents and one half of the Awesome Bastards, known as the FIRST EVER XHF X*Crown Champion — RAT BASTARD!
"Sympathy For The Devil" by The Rolling Stones blasts over the speakers and we see the west side steel guard door slide open. Moments go by as smoke begins to pour out, rising slowly and as thicc as Mongo. As the lyrics hit, out comes Rat Bastard! The cocky and cool self-proclaimed ‘Bad Guy’ of the XHF strolls through the smoke with his hands giving the ‘Ooooh, I’m so scared’ gesture before he clears the smoke and comes closer to the Wargames structure.
Cramer Krampus: Bust’em open and watch them bleed big boy!
Bart Frost: You really need a therapist.
Inside, the action has shifted from a Pillars of Violence advantage to Dylan fighting with Kanyon and El Combatiente and PRICE slugging it out. EC and PRICE stand feet away from a table that’s been setup while Dylan and Kanyon are in between the rings smashing each other with any object they can get their hands on. Kanyon cracks a cookie sheet over Dylan’s head, imprinting the star’s forehead in the pan. Kanyon drops the cookie sheet and pulls a bent up trash can from the ring. Placing it behind him, he turns and kicks Dylan in the gut and prepares for a suplex! Dylan fights it off, using the rope for help, and stomps the foot of the former President. Using the ropes again, Dylan springs up and knees Kanyon in the chest, causing him to trip over the trash can and stumble into the cage wall between the two rings. Running at him, Dylan hits a double front dropkick and sends Kanyon into the cage wall with whiplash force! Curtis slumps to a seating position, holding his chest from the move, as Dylan takes a moment to recover on one of the hardest parts of the ring.
In comes Rat Bastard, who seems reluctant to join the battle. Instead he slips past them all and goes towards his partner Noel Edmunds. Smacking Noel in the face to try and revive the fallen team member. Rat has no luck and instead begins to lift Noel to his feet, which takes more effort than he thought it would. Rat gets Noel in the corner and on his feet after a bit. Shaking the shoulders of the Crinkly Bottom Boy, Rat finally sees life in his eyes after the brutality Noel had endured. Rat appears to crack a Bad Guy smile, which is all too familiar of shenanigans about to ensue. Talking to his partner for a moment before turning back towards their opponents. From across the ring comes El Combatiente running with a frying pan in hand, swinging at Rat — who ducks and runs to the far ropes. El Combatiente instead smashes Noel right on the head with the frying pan!
Bart Frost: Eggs are scrambled for the Crinkly Bottom Boy Edmunds!
Cramer Krampus: No aspirin on earth will make that feel better.
Bart Frost: Edmunds has been through a lot worse. The Crinkly Bottom Boys had a year of hell in 2022 but they proved to be one of the best teams in XHF. If he could survive End of Days he will survive tonight, bet.
Rat Bastard puts a boot to the side of EC’s head, sending him into the cage wall. Without missing a beat, Rat begins to grate EC’s mask using the cage wall. Rat stops and begins elbowing EC in the back of the head, smashing the Hermanos BANG Bro into the cage wall repeatedly.
Coming into the ring is Dylan as Kanyon tosses him through the ropes and sees his partner taking a beating. The former President rushes the ropes to the right and steams full speed ahead at Rat from an angle! BANG!? Not this time as Rar moves in the Knick of time. Rat saw him from the corner of his eye, dodges out of the way and Kanyon puts the breaks on to avoid hitting his partner with his trademark move. Rat cracks Kanyon with an elbow strike to the back of his neck and drives him into EC from inside the ring to sandwich the Hermanos BANG Bros together.
Bart Frost: Shining wizard by Dylan Black!
Cramer Krampus: Rat is down and PRICE is back in the fold. What concoction did he set up in the first ring?
Bart Frost: Two tables side by side with the barbed wire chair on top of them in the middle. This doesn’t bode well for anyone.
Cramer Krampus: Anyone but the Pillars of Violence.
The count down timer appears.
5…4…3…2…1!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Joliet, Illinois! Weighing in tonight at three hundred and seventeen pounds! He is the originator of the Hardcore Persona, a Cornerstone of Xtreme, and the OG BAD ASS — HAROLD CAMPBELL, HARDCORE HARRY!
"Invincible" by Pat Benatar blares through the prison and we see Harold Campbell appear like the giant monster he is! 6 foot 11 inches tall and the biggest man in the match by half a foot, Hardcore Harry is a legend of the XHF - going back nearly 20 years. Hardcore Harry enters the cage by stepping over the top rope and into ring one with PRICE standing in front of him. Two icons of the XHF stare one another down and go to battle! Harry smashing PRICE with haymakers that would make a Giant blush. PRICE fights back, driving Harry into the ropes, taking more abuse as he does. Dylan sees the altercation and heads to help PRICE. Harry scoops PRICE off his feet and tosses him over the ropes onto Dylan!
Cramer Krampus: Hardcore Harry is like a Sasquatch and a yeti had a baby in an asylum, this man is a freak of nature.
Bart Frost: He’s all power and the fresh man. Nobody is safe.
Hardcore Harry steps over the top rope once and then again to get to the other ring. Rat Bastard reaches for a weapon from the cage wall, but it’s too late! Harry plucks him from the wall and power bombs Rat into the canvas, shaking the wargames structure! Kanyon pulls himself up and checks to make sure EC is okay before nodding at Harry and pointing at Dylan and PRICE. The Pillars rise and face off with Kanyon and Harry. Kanyon goes for Dylan and Harry grabs PRICE by the throat, lifting him off his feet. Dylan slips behind Kanyon and drops him with a snap neck breaker. As he gets up El Combatiente comes off the top rope with a 2x4!
Bart Frost: Incoming masked maniac!
Cramer Krampus: Kamikazee BANG Bro.
Dropkick to the knees from Dylan, sends EC into a front flip, landing on Kanyon! Grabbing the 2x4, Dylan Black swings and smashes Hardcore Harry over the back as he chokes PRICE out up against the cage wall. Harry hardly registers the hit, so Dylan does it again! A third swing and the 2x4 splits in half. Hardcore drops PRICE, who drops between the cage wall and the ring ropes. Dylan looks at the broken piece in hand and swings it at Hardcore Harry’s head!
Bart Frost: With the quickness!
Cramer Krampus: A monster is Harry, but smart. That’s a dangerous combination when dealing with someone six foot eleven inches tall.
Harry grabs Dylan’s wrist before it lands. Harry shakes his head as he squeezes, forcing Dylan to drop the weapon before he swings with a hammer fist to the shoulder blade! It topples Dylan to the mat, but Harry isn’t done. Picking Dylan up by the wrist, he whips him into the ropes and picks up Dylan by his side on the rebound. Spinning Dylan around his shoulder and planting him head first into the canvas as he sits out!
Bart Frost: THE HOMEWRECKER!
Cramer Krampus: Who me?
Bart Frost: No that’s what the move is called Cranky McGoo.
Cramer Krampus: Mhmm. (Side glances Bart)
The fans in the levels above are heard stomping the floor and counting down with the clock.
Fans: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Calgary, Alberta Canada! Weighing in this evening at 278 pounds! He represents the Pillars of Violence! The Murder Lizard — JESSE JAMESTER!
Ripping cords of the song “Everything Ends” smashes the speakers and the Murder Lizard comes bolting to the ring. Barely letting the cage door open before grabbing it and climbing into the ring, Jesse Jamester wastes no time in going right into the first ring. Hardcore Harry stands in the opposite ring. Everyone else laid out presently. The monsters of the match storm at each other like a Godzilla flick. Harry had Jesse by nearly a half foot and fifty pounds. Meeting in the middle of the two rings, Harry with a heavy right! Jesse staggers against the ropes and shoots back with a right of his own!
Kramer Krampus: Reminds me of the Krampus Turkey bowl. Bunch brutes beating the stuffing out of each other over bread.
Harry leans in and headbuttes Jesse, sending him backwards into the steel cage wall. Harry slumbers forward and picks Jesse up by the throat with both hands. Lifting the Murder lizard up against the cage wall to get him off his feet. Jabbing the eyes with his thumbs Jesse puts both hands around Harry’s face and pushes in, looking to force the break, and succeeds. Slipping under a wild throw, Jesse gets behind Harry as he wipes at his eyes and is distracted. Kneeing Harry in the back and up against the cage wall.
Bart Frost: You gotta love this, Krampus! To big men slapping meat! It’s what wrestling is all about.
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know about that, Bart, but this sure is entertaining.
Jesse follows up with a stiff blow to Harry’s neck and then bashes Harry’s head off the cage. The Murder Lizard looks to rake Harry’s head across the cage but Harry fights out with an elbow or two to the midsection of the murder lizard. Jesse steps back and throws a kick but Harry was baiting him in and moved at the last second. Jesse’s kick gets tangled up in the ropes! Jesse tries to get free but instead gets clocked by a big swinging haymaker that sends Jesse tumbling to the mat. Meanwhile, Rat Bastard starts to sneak around in the background.
Cramer Krampus: While these big monsters fight, what do you think Rat is thinking?
Bart Frost: He’s probably thinking about a way out of this cage!
Harry grabs Jesse by the hair but eats a huge uppercut that stagger’s Harry. Jesse throws another that finds its mark. Harry staggers back again. Jesse hooks Harry up into a suplex position.
Cramer Krampus: Could the murder lizard be thinking about the Jester Plex to Hardcore Harry?
Bart Frost: I think he was, but Harry hooks the leg and blocks the lift.
Jesse tried to lift again but Harry blocks it again. Harry lands hard blows to the rib cage of Jesse and drives the big lizard back into the turnbuckle. Harry cracks him with a right hand that stuns Jesse long enough for Harry to find a steel chair. Harry turns around and nearly dodged a running big boot from Jesse who exploded from the corner. Jesse hits the breaks and turns around but side steps a steel chair shot from Harry. Meanwhile, Rat is in position from behind. He’s ready to strike when suddenly Kanyon and EC put a stop to Rats shady plans.
Bart Frost: Well that wasn’t very fair!
Cramer Krampus: You know Rat was going to do something similar. Besides all is fair inside wargames! And the countdown for the next entrant is almost over. It’s from Team Awesome Presents. Who will it be?
Bart Frost: If it’s Blobby, this thing is over already.
Fans: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: From DETROIT, MICHIGAN! Weighing in tonight at two hundred and thirty two pounds, Representing Team Awesome Present… The Face of the Franchise; STTTTTEVE AWESOME!
♬ “REGRETS IVE HAD MINE!”♬
Full of Regrets by Danko Jones is playing as Steve Awesome comes strutting down to the ring. He steps onto the stairs and sees Jesse and Harry still slugging it out. He sees Noel still down and Rat still feeling the effects of that double low blow. He takes a deep breath and looks at the referee.
Steve Awesome: I’m not going in there bro!
Instead of going into the wargames match, Steve walks around and sits at commentary.
Steve Awesome: What’s going on yall. I’ve decided that I’m just going to do commentary instead.
Bart Frost: That’s cool with me.
Cramer Krampus: You do know that this match can’t end until you get inside the match.
Steve Awesome: Hey man, I’m gonna get in there eventually. Just, you know, not right now.
Bart Frost: And that’s totally fair.
Cramer Krampus: Don’t you want to help your team.
Steve Awesome: I will, eventually.
Dylan and PRICE pull themselves up from the mat. Rat and Noel bring themselves around and Kanyon and EC stand together. They all turn and see Harry and Jesse trading blows. They all run over and swarm the big men. EC and Kanyon and Noel fighting with Jesse and Rat, Dylan and Price clubbing Harry in the back. The onslaught shoves both Harry and Jesse back to back as they attempt to fight off the smaller members of the match. After a few moments Jesse and Harry both burst out and send everybody flying. Jesse uppercuts EC, and Harry decks Rat in the eye and then the two big men go back to fighting.
Cramer Krampus: Can nobody stop the carnage that is Jesse Jamester and Hardcore Harry!?
Steve Awesome: And now you understand why I don’t want to go in there.
Bart Frost: No offense, but you’ll have to go in eventually. Your teammates need you.
Steve Awesome: I’ll get in when I’m good and ready.
Noel bangs on the cage wall and stares at Steve. Yelling at him to go in there and help but before Steve could even reply, Hardcore Harry grabs Noel by the face and just bail tosses Noel over the ropes and into the other ring! Hardcore Harry slowly follows him.
Cramer Krampus: You got one teammate in a lot of danger with Hardcore Harry stalking him.
Steve Awesome: Noel will be alright.
Bart Frost: Harry has a hand wrapped around Noel’s neck!
Noel tries to fight back but Harry lifts him up for a chokeslam! But then Harry runs toward the cage wall and just tosses Noel against the wall! Noel slides down back first and crumples between the wall and ropes. PRICE meets Harry next. PRICE breaks a whole kendo stick over his back and Harry tenses up from the stinging pain. PRICE nails Harry with a couple forearms but Harry headbutts PRICE and bashes his head off the cage wall. Meanwhile, Rat Bastard is shaking the cage and yelling at Steve to come in there and help.
Cramer Krampus: And now your actual tag team partner, Rat Bastard, is telling you to get in the ring and fight.
Steve Awesome: Look, I totally will. This is all part of my strategy.
Cramer Krampus: And what strategy would that be?
Steve Awesome: The “ Try not to get brutally maimed” strategy. Rat and I talked about it before the match.
Bart Frost: That’s a good strategy.
As Rat bangs on the cage he doesn’t realize Jesse Jamester running up behind him and squashing Rat into the side of the cage.
Cramer Krampus: Ooof. Your so-called strategy is leaving your partners to be the ones who are brutally maimed.
Steve Awesome: They’ll be alright.
Bart Frost: What a great leader.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: From Belgrade, Serbia! Weighing in at two hundred forty two pounds. Representing Team Kanyon. He is the XHF X*Crown Champion! The FINAL BOSS! ZORAN SAINOVIC!
“Big Bad Wolf” hits the P.A and the XCrown champion starts making his way to the ring for war. Zoran already has his god of war style chain blades.
Cramer Krampus: And the Final Boss makes his way to the ring. The XCrown Champion with his trademark blades.
Bart Frost: That is your mortal enemy there Steve, don’t you want to get in there and mess him up!?
They all watch as Zoran stands on the ring steps and wraps each fist with the chain and then gripping each blade in his chain wrapped hands.
Steve Awesome: I mean…yeahhh! Trust me, if I were in that cage right now, I’d be the first person ready to kick his ass. It’s lucky for Zoran that I’m not.
Cramer Krampus: Right.
Bart Frost: That makes perfect sense to me, Kramer.
Zoran steps into the ring and the door closes behind him. Rat Bastard comes running up on Zoran. Rat nails a couple right hands on the XCrown champion but Zoran blocks the third and decks Rat with his chain wrapped hands. Rat hits the mat. PRICE comes running in with a chair but Zoran dodges the swing and hooks the flat of his blade between PRICE’s legs and hits him with a side suplex. As Zoran is getting back to his feet, Noel Edmunds starts getting back to his feet, but Zoran quickly lets a blade fly from his hand and the blade gets lodged in the fence link INCHES from Noel’s head. Noel instinctively sits back down where he was.
Noel Edmunds: On second thought, I’m good right here.
Cramer Krampus: HOLY HELL! I thought we had a decapitation on our hands.
Bart Frost: Don’t worry, the night is still young.
Zoran doesn’t have much time to retrieve his blade because PRICE is right back on him with blows to the back of the head. Zoran staggers forward and PRICE continues his assault on the XCrown champion. Zoran turns around to swing with his other fist still wrapped in chain and Price side steps it. PRICE swings back with a big haymaker of his own and Zoran blocks it. Only to find out, PRICE had on a pair of brass knuckles.
Zoran Sainovic: Brass knuckles? I like ze color.
PRICE: Yeah. They come in pairs.
PRICE follows back with a punch to the sternum with his other hand that ALSO had a pair of brass knuckles. The air shoots out of Zoran’s windpipe and he doubles over. Rat Bastard is back to his feet and he runs up on Zoran and boots him in the side of the head. Rat and PRICE start to square off but Noel comes running in and nails PRICE in the back of the head with the hilt of Zoran’s chain blade! Rat fist bumps Noel and they start to walk over to the other side of the ring where Curtis, EC, and Harry have been fighting it out with Dylan and Jesse Jamester.
Steve Awesome: YEAH! That’s my boys! Knocking people out!
Cramer Krampus: And they are doing it while being down one man.
Bart Frost: Everyone knows when Blobby gets in there he is going to even up the score.
Cramer Krampus: I was talking about Steve!
Steve Awesome: Hey this is all part of my plan. When I do finally get in the match, I’m going to be the freshest and take advantage of all the hurt bodies.
Jesse and Dylan stand on one side and Kanyon, El Combatiente and Hardcore Harry are on the other. They all go running into each other with fists flying everywhere. Finally Jesse and Harry have enough, they grab EC and Dylan respectively and just toss them into the opposite sides of the cage. Kanyon comes in with a lariat that staggers the Murder Lizard! Harry follows up with a big boot that drops Jesse to one knee and then Kanyon comes around again and nails Jesse with the BANG!! Jesse finally goes down! Before Kanyon and Harry can celebrate they are blindsided by Rat and Noel! Noel blasts Kanyon in the head with a steel chair and Kanyon crumples like a tower made of plastic cups. Rat nails Harry with a chair but Harry doesn’t go down. Harry glares at Rat and licks his lips. Noel steps in with a chair shot of his own that Harry just absorbs. They both frantically think of a new plan. They both start swinging their chairs and making contact with whatever they can on Harry and eventually he falls down. Noel and Rat throw the chairs down and take a breather.
Steve Awesome: Weeellllp that’s my cue.
Cramer Krampus: Of course you want to go in when all the other team members are down.
Steve Awesome: I mean…yeah duh…
Bart Frost: Plan executed perfectly, Steve.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: HAILING FROM BELFAST, IRELAND! Weighing in at two hundred twenty pounds….Representing the Pillars of Violence….The GOD OF XTREME!! SPIKE KANE!!!!
♬ "GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW! DOWN!" ♬
Spike Kane walks through the curtain, rolling his wrists, hand in hand as he heads towards the ring with a single focus. Spike was about to get inside the cage when he noticed Steve Awesome sitting at commentary.
Cramer Krampus: It looks like Spike is looking at you.
Bart Frost: I think he is saying…”get in this ring, you pussy!” But I’m not sure.
Steve Awesome: Spike isn’t the boss of me. And we all know he won’t come over here and say that.
Spike starts walking away from the ring entrance and over toward the commentary booth.
Bart Frost: He’s coming over here, Steve.
Steve Awesome: Spike isn’t going to walk allll the way over here.
Spike walks passed the other turnbuckle.
Steve Awesome: He’s not gonna walk up to the commentary table.
Spike walks right up to the commentary table.
Steve Awesome: He’s not gonna…ACK!!!!
Spike grabs Steve by the throat and drags him out of the seat.
Steve Awesome: Ow, Spike, you're choking me!
The headset gets ripped off Steve’s head and they start brawling at ringside and they brawl right up the ramp and into the backstage area.
Cramer Krampus: Well Spike Kane has dragged Steve Awesome away from our booth.
Bart Frost: There goes the best commentary partner I’ve ever had.
Cramer Krampus: We will try and get some cameras to follow Steve and Spike but right now El Combatiente is on the top rope!
EC springboards off the middle and nails Dylan with a drop kick! PRICE drops Kanyon with a PRICECRASH. Noel and Rat are double teaming Jesse Jamester. Harry hits PRICE with a Russian leg sweep. Zoran walks up with a kendo stick and bashed Rat in the back of the neck.
Meanwhile, cameras catch up to Steve and Spike and Steve has the advantage now as they battle through the concession stands. Steve grabs Spike’s head smashes it on the counter. Steve hops over the counter of the hotdog stand and grabs two weiners and shoved them in Spikes mouth. Steve smacks Spike in the side of the head with a bottle of ketchup and then drags him over the counter and to the floor below! Steve stops behind the counter to attack Spike more and more condiments and hot dog buns go flying everywhere.
Steve Awesome: You want a pickle, I’ll give you a pickle!
Cramer Krampus: This wargames match is breaking down everywhere! We got bodies all over the prison and this thing hasn’t even started yet!
Bart Frost: We need more referees to contain all this madness! I love it!
Dylan drills a chair into the gut of EC and then hits him with a brutal belly to belly suplex. Jesse Jamester nails Noel with a big brain Buster. Rat is nailing right hands on Zoran. Kanyon and Harry are both choking PRICE with there boots in the corner.
Spike is wiping ketchup off the side of his head and kneeing Steve in the gut at the same time. Steve staggers over towards one of the old cells. Spike grabs Steve’s head and smashes it off every bar. Steve staggers off and Spike throws Steve through a doorway into another hallway.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: FROM BLOBBY LAND! This is MR. BLOBBY!!!!
Blobby’s theme begins to play as the wondering being that is Blobby starts to walk down the ramp and get in the ring.
Bart Frost: Oh yeah! This is what we’ve been waiting for! Once Blobby gets into that ring he is going to do something super cool and even the odds!
Cramer Krampus: Blobby is a wild card competitor to say the least.
Blobby goes to step into the ring. Everyone has stopped fighting to look at the pink creature. Blobby does a couple of stretches and then steps inside. Then immediately trips, shockmaster style! Everyone shrugs and just goes back to fighting as Blobby struggles to get up.
Meanwhile, Spike tosses Steve down the ramp and they start fighting on the outside again.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The match has officially begun! First to get a pinfall or submission will win the match for their team!
With that we see Dylan Black and PRICE go after Kanyon and EC. Spike Kane is on the outside with Steve Awesome, fighting it up the stairwell to the fan section. Guards and XHF bodyguards are on hand, pushing fans back and locking them in cells to avoid the insurance Mongo can’t pay if a civilian hurts. Zoran spins Dylan around to help Kanyon, and swings with a chain wrapped around his fist! Dylan ducks! Kanyon gets a fist full of chain to the face!
Bart Frost: NO! He didn’t mean to do it but Zoran’s eyes are as big as an owl!
Cramer Krampus: Did he though? Looked intentional to me.
Stirring the pot was Krampus’s favorite thing to do, and while Zoran looked to regret the action, Kanyon was laid out and bleeding due to it. Suddenly a noise is heard from above as the cameras cut to Steve Awesome and Spike Kane on the third level now. Machine gears letting chains move up and down show the scaffolding that was used by XHF staff to hang the weapons from the wargames roof. The scaffolding is a giant rectangle that lowers down slowly, as we see Spike Kane drive Steve’s head into a button that initiates the drop of the scaffolding. Steve kicks Spike in the gut and takes to the ledge.
Bart Frost: Is he going to jump!?
Steve leaps onto the Scaffolding just as it lowers below him, and Spike jumps off behind him tackling Steve in the process. The two trade blows as they roll around on the lowering scaffolding structure, which shakes due to their weight. Inside the rings, Hardcore Harry is coming to aid Kanyon after seeing Zoran take out his own team member on accident. Harry steps over the top rope, clubbing Mr Blobby first, before grabbing the next top rope and stepping over it.
Cramer Krampus: The big man comes for revenge!
Grabbing Zoran by the neck, Hardcore Harry lifts him up off the canvas like a rag doll as Zoran pleads he didn’t mean it! Zoran grabs the shirt as he is lifted up, and it rips to reveal a ‘Pillars of Violence’ shirt!
Bart Frost: THE BETRAYAL! Hardcore Harry is working for the Pillars of Violence!
Cramer Krampus: Didn’t see that coming.
Zoran’s eyes grow big as he’s about to get choke slammed and Jesse Jamester spins Harry around to see the shirt and hesitates, taken back by it. Zoran grabs the shirt on his back as Jesse grabs the shirt from the front, and the both of them rip it from each side to reveal a ‘Steve Awesome shirt!’
Cramer Krampus: This is layers of deceit by Harold Campbell.
Bart Frost: Steve must have paid him well!
Harry instead elbows Zoran and grabs Jesse by the throat before clotheslining him over the ropes into the middle of the ring area, where he rolls into ring one. The door is open still, as Mr Blobby crawls towards it. Zoran yelling at Harry that he betrayed them, and suddenly, Noel Edmunds comes off the top rope with a barbed wire wrapped chair - getting hammer fisted as Harry hits the chair back into his face and flips the momentum of Noel to the canvas. Harry rips off the Steve Awesome shirt and reveals ‘Team Hermanos BANG! Bros’ shirt! Zoran smiles a big pearly white tooth smile, seeing Harry shrug as he points to get Kanyong up in the corner and help him.
Bart Frost: What in the hell did we just witness?
Cramer Krampus: You know those gifts where you open one to find another? Something like that just happened. Harry just scared the Christmas spirit out of this whole ring.
Zoran lifts Kanyon in the corner as we see Mr Blobby climbing the cage wall to get a weapon. The door is closed suddenly by El Combatiente. EC sees Blobby and asks for a weapon in spanish, to which Blobby shrugs and tosses him five bucks, which El Combatiente looks at like “What good is this?” and Blobby yells down
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY!
Zoran rips Blobby from the cage with his hooks and tosses him to the canvas! A staple gun hits the mat that Blobby had in his hand. EC grabs it and staples the five dollar bill to Zoran’s back as he starts putting staples in the former X*Crown Champions back! Zoran turns to Kanyon to help him up when all of a sudden Kanyon shoves Zoran and points to his bloody forehead. Zoran is shoved backwards and bumps into Harry, who turns around and swings, but Zoran ducks and Harry hits Kanyon!
Cramer Krampus: Wrecking the former President with a haymaker is Harry!
Bart Frost: Curtis is not having the best of times with his team is he? Or the BANG Bros.
Spike Kane and Steve are fighting on the cage now, as the scaffolding has finally stopped at the roof cage top, making a rectangle of walk way around the wargames structure. The two are trading blows, as Steve yells at Spike.
Steve Awesome: We were brothers once!
Spike Kane: And your ego ruined it!
Punch to the jaw by Spike and Steve staggers on the edge! Spike Kane stops with a handful of Steve’s hair as his fist is balled up.
Spike Kane: Why did you betray brother? WHY!?
Steve looks at him without saying a word.
Bart Frost: WHAT THE HELL!
Inside the cage, Jesse Jamester is seen kicking El Combatiente in the leg before sending him to Dylan Black for a DDT! Dylan gets up and goes to give the Murder Lizard a high five. Jesse returns one, but doesn’t let go. Dylan looks at him like what is going on? And then is scooped up and thrown like a dart through the steel cage door, falling on the steel steps and rolling to the outside. The cage shakes from the door breaking off and Steve and Spike are shifted as the scaffolding begins to break on their end, both chains drop from the ceiling and their scaffolding drops to the floor, both men crashing on top of it.
Cramer Krampus: The Murder Lizard just betrayed Dylan Black and the Pillars of Violence!
Bart Frost: But why?!
Stepping through the ropes after seeing the scaffolding fall on the other side of the wargames structure, Jesse steps out of the cage and walks over Dylan Black, pausing to look down at him and spit on him.
Jesse Jamester: Your time is over. The Scourge has spoken.
Leaving the Wargames match does the Murder Lizard, exiting the prison area and disappearing.
Bart Frost: This isn’t like the Murder Lizard!
Cramer Krampus: Is it though? He use to be friends with Eric Dane. I wouldn’t put anything past that slippery lizard.
Inside the ring Kanyon and El Combatiente make their way out of the cage to check on Steve Awesome and Spike Kane. The rubble of the scaffolding was laying everywhere on the far left side of the wargames structure. If someone was alive, it was a Christmas miracle.
Above coming down on one of the other chains is Rat Bastard. A pair of chain cutters in hand.
Bart Frost: So it wasn’t Jesse’s move to Dylan but Rat that caused the scaffolding to crash! Why though? He hurt his own team member!
the commotion for the BANG! Bros trying to help their fallen brothers in the debris outside the ring is loud. Kanyon and EC both dig through the rubble trying to find any sign of Steve or Spike. They move a few things and find Spike. He coughs and groans and the first thing that comes to his mind is.
Spike Kane: Where is Steve?
They all dig and dig and they finally find a beat up Steve in the rubble. Steve groans and clears his throat and asks about Spike.
Steve and Spike hug. After that big fall they both realized that this has all gone too far. Kanyon and EC join in on the hug and completely agree.
Curtis Kanyon: I’m sorry I love you guys!
Spike Kane: I love you guys too!
Steve Awesome: I’m sorry I’m an idiot! I love you guys!
El Combatiente: I love you guys!
Curtis Kanyon: Let’s never fight and have another civil wargames again!
Spike Kane: Unless they ask us too.
Steve Awesome: BECAUSE THESE PAYCHECKS ARE FAT!!!
All four men cry and hug in the rubble.
Inside the ring, Zoran and Noel Edmunds are at one another. The Crinkly Bottom Boy gets whipped into the ropes before hitting a reverse STO facebuster on Noel! Harry grabs Blobby and chokes him while the rest of the people are either outside the cage or down.
Bart Frost: THE REVOLVER!
Cramer Krampus: Who has a gun!?
Bart Frost: That’s his finishing move.
Zoran goes for the cover on Noel Edmunds.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The bell sounds and everyone looks around that isn’t involved. Harry hits his Homewrecker on Blobby and sees Zoran rise with his hands in the air.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Winners of this Oh Violent Night Civil Wargames match – ZORAN SAINOVIC, HARDCORE HARRY, CURTIS KANYON, and EL COMBATIENTE!
Cramer Krampus: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!! TEAM KANYON WON CIVIL WARGAMES!
Bart Frost: After a bloody brutal battle Kanyon, EC, Hardcore Harry and the XCrown Champion, Zoran Sainovic came out on top!
Despite team Kanyon winning the match, The Bang Bros are all celebrating with each other and hugging on the outside of the ring following Kanyon and El Combatiente getting Spike and Steve out of the rubble.
Spike Kane: YOU DID IT BRO!
Steve Awesome: CONGRATULATIONS!
Some of the other members of the teams are looking at all their “captains” praising each other, and they seem confused. They all fought a war and now the Bang Bros are friends again!? They don’t really have a chance to say anything about it as Dylan’s Arm suddenly scrambles onto the stage of Oh Violent Night.
Cramer Krampus: What in the hell is that thing doing here?
Bart Frost: I have no idea. What do I look like? A metal prosthetic arm keeper?
Steve Awesome looks up at the arm sitting on the stage and points and smiles.
Steve Awesome: Yo Dylan! I figured out where I lost your arm all those months ago. Right here….on the stage of Oh Violent Night 3?
Steve slowly starts to realize how strange that sounds but before he could work it out he’s sucker punched by another metal arm. Steve hits the mat and suddenly the ring is swarmed with thousands of Metal arms! Each one is completely identical to Dylan Black's arm!
Cramer Krampus: What in the hell is going on here! Those arms are swarming the ring! They got everyone from every team completely held down!
Bart Frost: It’s some kind of arm invasion! Ahhh the arms are coming for us too!!!
Cramer Krampus: NO! ACK!
Everyone struggles and fights to get free but nobody can muster the strength. A terrible dark laughter radiates throughout the arena.
“MUAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!”
It’s loud and it echoes and then the Violence Tron 5000 comes to life to show some kind of snowy tundra and one lone dilapidated shack in the middle of nowhere.
A large hand picks up the camera and points it at his terrible face.
“HEEEEEEEEERRRRRES DRAGGY!”
The entire crowd gasps in shock and fright as BIG DRAG appears on the screen! His hideous smile and evil eyes look double intense on the big screen.
Big Drag: Hello Bang Bros! I hope my army of arms keeps you as uncomfortable as possible as we welcome you all to my world!
The arena suddenly disappears and our heroes find themselves AT the dilapidated shack with Drag! Every member of all the teams are still completely held down by hundreds of metal arms. Drag walks over to a small haphazardly constructed contraption about the size of a porta-potty.
Big Drag: While you idiots were bickering, I was building this machine with things that Dylan Black's arm stole for me. And now my latest invention has finally been completed!
Drag proudly displays the makeshift invention next to him.
Big Drag: My METAL ARM CLONING MACHINE! MUAH HA HA! You think those arms holding you down is a lot! This machine will create MILLIONS of metal arms at my command! I will take my UNSTOPPABLE ARMY OF ARMS and I will take over Champoon Wrestling, THE XHF NETWORK, and then the world! MUAH HA HA HA! And if you try to stop me, I have the entire undercard captured. I will have them all destroyed if you even make a move against me!”
Our heroes glance at each other and do their best to shrug.
Steve Awesome: We uhhh, we don’t really care about that!
Spike Kane: Yeah, as soon as we can get up we will stop you and your plans!
Noel Edmunds: I wouldn’t even miss any of them to be honest. Would you Blobby?
Blobby: Blobby!
Hardcore Harry: I’ve been away so long I don’t even know who any of them are!
Drag looks a little frustrated and stomps his foot in the snow.
Drag: Ugh fine! I think I got that raccoon and that turtle held hostage somewhere…
Spike Kane: Dax and Tomo!?
Drag points at Spike and nods.
Drag: Yeah that’s them. I could kill them or something?
Spike yells and tries to struggle to break free, but the arms grip is too tight.
Spike Kane: YOU SON OF A BITCH! You will not touch them!
The other team members look at each other in shock!
PRICE: Dax and Tomo are Spikes boys!
Curtis Kanyon: We gotta do something about this!
Dylan Black: No shit, but what can we do when we’re all trapped like Rats!?
Dylan looks over at Rat Bastard.
Dylan Black: No offense.
Drag: You foolish idiots! You are all trapped. There is nothing you can do to stop me anyway.
Zoran Sainovic: Drag, you are forgetting vun very important thing..”
Drag laughs.
Drag: And what’s that? I have an ARMY OF ARMS!
Zoran glares right through the arrogance of Drag!
Zoran Sainovic: Veh have a Dino Bones!
All of a sudden Dino Bones leaps in from out of nowhere with a mighty roar!
Dino Bones: A METAL SMORGASBORD JUST FOR ME!
Dino Bones starts gobbling up any arm that comes near his mouth as he runs right through a swarm!
Dino Bones: I HOPE THESE ARMS DO NOT COUNT AS PORK!
Dino Bones goes on an eating spree, munching twenty arms a minute! It was more than enough of a distraction that the other arms stopped holding down the teams to go tend to the raving Dino.
Drag: GRRRRT!!
Drag sees this huge kink in his plan and runs over to his machine and turns on the power! Four lights turn on, and this sketchy machine starts pumping out metal arms every couple of seconds! Each one runs out and instantly joins the fight!
Our Heroes have managed to break free of the remaining arms that were left to hold them. They all get up and the former president of the world Curtis Kanyon looks at everyone.
Curtis Kanyon: Tonight….most of us arrived to fight as enemies. But right now, it looks like we have to fight together to stop Drag.
Spike Kane: And save Dax and Tomo.
El Combatiente: And the world.
Everyone turns nods and turns to look at Drag, his machine and the oncoming swarm of Arm clones.
Curtis Kanyon: BANG BROS!…..
A panning shot of everyone ready to fuck shit up. Clenched fists, gritted teeth, Steve slowly slides off his shades, Blobby yells his name and PRICE is flicking a lighter with a mad glare in his eyes. Harry stands still like an eerie wild card. Spike pounds his chest. EC hits a fighting pose. Dylan Black stands ready to fight with his one good arm. Zoran pops out some blades. Rat chews on a toothpick, glaring down the enemy. Dino Bones let’s out a mighty roar. Kanyon just nods.
Curtis Kanyon: ASSEMBLE!
Steve looks at Curtis.
Steve Awesome: We’re all already here though….
Kanyon sighs.
Curtis Kanyon: Just go fight.
Steve Awesome: Oh right…YEAHHHHHHHHH!
Steve runs into the fray and everyone runs with him!
youtu.be/O6qHo4RFiLQ
The extended Bang Bro team runs in and starts wreaking havoc on the army of arms! Wave after wave our heroes slash and bash through them all.
Zoran Sainovic, armed with two blades in both hands is having the time of his life slicing and dicing his way through metal arm hordes. He’s slices through one and then another.
Zoran Sainovic: Weeeee, I feel like a kid in ze candy store!
Zoran slashes right through a couple more. PRICE comes sauntering into a swarm looking bloody and deranged and holding a gas can!
{Eddie gas can gif}
Price starts kicking away arms and dousing others and the ground with gasoline! Then he tosses his lighter and a whole swarm goes up in flames! PRICE watches in complete satisfaction.
Noel Edmunds darts around the fire and he comes face to face with a crowd of arms. One of them punches Noel in the butt! Noel turns around and comes after that one.
Noel Edmunds: Hey what’s the big idea!?
Another arm clonks him on the head. Noel spins around to face his foe only to get clonked on the head by a second head.
Noel Edmunds: Couple of wise arms eh?
Noel takes a swing but misses and a third arm slaps him in the face and a fourth pokes him in the eyes. Noel rubs his face in frustration.
Noel Edmunds: wooop wooop wooop
The arms continue to slap and clonk and eye poke Noel in a very tortuous three stooges loop. Finally someone comes to save the day.
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
That’s when Mr. Blobby started to inflate himself!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Blobby is now three times his size! He scoops up Noel and starts stomping through massive hoards of arms with no problems at all! Nearby all of this, we see another group of arms but they are running away!
We find that HARDCORE HARRY is chasing them all and one of the arms is desperately trying to wriggle out of Harry’s pants.
Hardcore Harry: You aren’t going anywhere, strange new hand and fingers.
As Harry stomps off you could swear you heard the arm clone crying for help.
Mr. Blobby is stomping through the chaos and as he does so he runs into Dino Bones who has been eating every arm he sees.
Mr. Blobby and Dino Bones stare each other down.
Noel braces himself for the worst. Silently wondering what each are thinking.
Dino Bones Thoughts: IS THIS FRIEND OR FOOD? WHAT IS THIS BUBBLEGUM CREATURE!?
Mr. Blobby Thoughts: BLOBBY!
Dino Bones Thoughts: THESE LITTLE METAL SAUSAGES ARE DELECTABLE. I WILL EAT THIS STRANGE PINK MEDIUM RARE CREATURE AT ANOTHER TIME!
Dino and Blobby both nod and they join forces and start whipping a lot of arm!
We find Big Drag watching all the action unfold and not enjoying it all.
Big Drag: GRAHHHH! How are these idiots winning!? Time to turn up the volume!
Drag runs to the cloning device and turns a dial. The clones start coming out even more rapidly than before.
Big Drag: Muah ha ha, let’s see how they like that!
Nearby we find Steve Awesome Jack sparrow running through the chaos. He sees a swarm of arms coming right at him and he nails it with the thigh slapper super kick! The arm swarm explodes into shrapnel.
Steve Awesome: I guess when it comes to war, it’s much better to be “thighed” then armed.
Steve laughed to himself and looked real proud of his joke but then got punched in the face by another swarm of arms!
Nearby Dylan Black saw the entire thing.
Dylan Black: Fuckin THANK YOU! God I hate Steve! GAH!
Dylan gets blindsided by another giant swarm that lifts him off the ground and collides him into the dilapidated shack! Wood and splinters go flying everywhere and Dylan goes out. Drag is hiding by his invention and watches the shack get destroyed.
Drag: Awh man that was my house! Dylan Black will pay for that and everything else he’s done to me!
Spike comes to his Pillars partner's aid! Spike gets through a couple but a bigger swarm comes running in and roughs him up and sends him tumbling across the ground.
Curtis Kanyon is fighting arms as best he could but pretty soon he’s overwhelmed by a huge swarm. The arms punch and slap and chop and Curtis goes tumbling over to wear Spike was laying.
El Combatiente tried his best to counter what the arms were throwing at him but it was just too many. Soon the great cruiserweight was overwhelmed and sent tumbling across the ground over to where Spike and Curtis were laying, feeling the pain of war.
Spike holds his arm as he speaks.
Spike Kane: Someone wanna tell Drag that, we are the good guys? Owww.
Kanyon looks around the war zone. He can see the other members of the team getting overwhelmed and pulled down to the ground and trapped by an obscene amount of arm clones. It almost looked like everyone was sinking into quicksand, only it was metal arms.
Curtis Kanyon: This isn’t going very well but we’re not beat yet. We can do this!
All of a sudden Steve comes flying through the air!
Steve Awesome: GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Steve crashes into the ground and tumbled over to the rest of the bros.
Steve Awesome: oh god my body! You guys, they are too strong. We need to bail.
EC shakes his head.
El Combatiente: No sé cómo salir de aquí incluso si huir fuera una opción.
( I don’t know how to get out of here even if running away was an option. )
Spike nods his head.
Spike Kane: EC is right. Even if I did know how to leave this hell hole, we can’t leave without Dax and Tomo.
Curtis Kanyon: I know these guys are tough. But we can’t give up. The world is at stake here. I refuse to be the former president of Big Drags United States. We just need a plan….”
Steve Awesome: Well alright….but you better come up with one quick.
Steve noticed that they were completely surrounded by arms and they were slowly closing in. Just then, the TRONS zapped in.
Saber-Tron: BANG BROS! You are not doing so good in this war!
Steve Awesome: Great observation, Dome Head! You come here to tell us that!?
Shogun-Tron: Really? You want to insult us when you should have listened to us in the first place.
Nano-Tron: Told ya so. Insurmountable evil ring a bell?
Mini-Tron: And evil to big to overcome!!
Spike shakes his head.
Spike Kane: They really came here to rub our death in our faces.
Saber shrugs his shoulders.
Saber-Tron: We did a little…but we also came to give you the last bit of information that we were given from THE FUTURE!
Shogun-Tron: There are four power sources nearby here that help power Big Drags cloning machine. If they can all be shut off, then he won’t be able to power his machine any more.
Curtis Kanyon: That’s great! Do you know where they are?
Saber-Tron: No. But we figured you guys could like, try and look for them or something….
Curtis sighs and his shoulders slump.
Curtis Kanyon: Do you have a clue or something? An idea where to start looking?
Saber-Tron: Uhhh around here somewhere?
Shogun-Tron: We will distract these arms while you guys each look for a power shack.
The Bros look at each other and shrug.
Curtis Kanyon: I guess it's the only way.
Spike Kane: How hard can it be?
Saber-Tron: Great. By the way, you only have twenty minutes before it becomes too insurmountable and Drag takes over the world.
Spike Kane: I had to say something….
The trons strat battling with the arm hoard as the bros run off. They didn’t look behind them, so they didn’t see the Trons get quickly overwhelmed and drown in a dark sea of metal arms.
Kanyon found a power source after he crossed a moat! He flipped the switch.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
El Combatiente had to solve three riddles and finally he was in front of the switch. He flipped it immediately.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
Spike Kane had to battle a dark knight. It took some brain and some brawn but Spike dispatched his enemy and flipped the switch he was guarding.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
Steve Awesome found the fourth power supply pretty easily. It wasn’t guarded or anything. Steve was about to walk up and flip the switch when Rat Bastard seemingly creeped out from the shadows.
Rat Bastard: Hey buddy.
Steve jumped a little.
Steve Awesome: HOLY SHIT! You almost gave me a heart attack.
Rat Bastard: Oh, sorry about that, pal. Whatcha up too friend?
Steve starts walking toward the switch.
Steve Awesome: Oh nothing big. Just gonna flip this switch over here and save the world and stuff with the Bang Bros.
Rat nods his head.
Rat Bastard: Right. About that….”
Rat reaches out, spins Steve around and kicks him in the dick five times before Steve drops to his knees. His face is a contorted mess of shear pain and utter confusion.
Steve Awesome: …why..
Steve could barely choke out the words as he gasped for air and held his groin. Rat Bastard paced back and forth.
Rat Bastard: After everything? After all they said, all they did, who was the one that had your back? Who was the one that was a true friend? I stuck by you even when the Bros were ready to leave you behind and go on without you……
Rat finds a nearby broken leg of a table and picks it up and looks at it.
Rat Bastard: After everything, you want to pick them?
Rat shakes his head and sighs.
Rat Bastard: Wrong choice, friend…”
Rat bashes the table leg across Steve’s head and he collapses to the ground unconscious a pool of blood forming around his head. Rat tosses the table leg to the ground and lights up a cigarette. Rat glances over at the switch that he could easily flip but he shrugs and walks away.
Rat Bastard: Fuck’em…
Curtis, Spike and El Combatiente come back to the main area to find that only one more power source is still on and running power to the machine.
Curtis Kanyon: What!? There is still a source still on? We don’t have much time!
Spike Kane: Where is Steve?
El Combatiente: ¿Quizás aún no ha encontrado el suyo?
(Maybe he hasn’t found his yet?”)
Big Drag walks up, laughing maniacally.
Big Drag: Good try, Bang Bores. But even with one of my power supplies, I can still create enough clones to complete my master plan of world domination. And now you have nothing left to save you.
Spike, EC and Curtis look around to see them become surrounded by Drags army of arms. Drag stands next to his machine and laughs. Though with one power source the machine struggled to maintain operation.
Big Drag: There is nothing you can do now. You have failed. I have won! This will soon become the Drag network…..maybe I’ll think of a different name to avoid confusion, but you all get the idea….MUAH HA HA HA HA!
Suddenly Dylan Black the hero of Champoon pops up.
Dylan Black: Hey Drag….how about you just shut the hell up?
Drag: DYLAN BLACK! My mortal enemy! Not even you can stop this moment now. What can you do?”
Dylan steps forward and sticks out his armless stub and he stands there.
Drag: What is this? What are you doing?
Dylan continues to hold out his stub as wind starts to pick up behind him.
Drag: Stop wasting my time….“
All of a sudden DYLANS TRUE ARM COMES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND CONNECTS ONTO HIM.
Drag: Ohh….
Dylan stands there with two arms for the first time in a whole year. He was complete again! He kisses the arm.
Dylan Black: Good to have you back, baby.
Dylan looks up at Drag and runs up starts laying lightning fast right and left hands into the face and midsection of Drag. Drag tries to protect himself but Dylan is consistently hitting him where Drag isn’t blocking. Dylan follows up his robotic barrage with a huge haymaker that staggers Drag back into his own machine. Drag frantically makes sure it doesn’t fall over as it sputters and sparks.
Drag turns around and gets nails by a huge Superman punch from Dylan’s robotic arm and Drag staggers back and falls into the cloning machine! The machine falls over with Drag inside it and it starts to spew electricity and flames.
Machine: OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD!
Every arm in the army of arms collapses wear it stood, except for Dylan’s own personal arm. It felt right at home being attached to its own personal stump again. Everyone was finally able to break out of the arms clutches and they looked around confused, wondering what’s been happening. The trons, now free of their own arm prison, come running up to the group.
Saber-Tron: We did it! We stopped the evil!
Shogun-Tron: We saved THE FUTURE!
All of a sudden the giant contraption started to rumble and shake. The electrical current got stronger and more flames seemed to spew from the machine.
Curtis Kanyon: That machine is going to blow! We have to get out of here!
Saber-Tron: We can get us home! Follow us!
Spike Kane: I gotta get my friends!
The trons, The Bang Bros and every other character that allowed me to put them through all these shenanigans go running as the machine gets even more volatile.
Machine: OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. SELF DESTRUCT ACTIVATED.
A few feet away, Nano-Tron creates a small portal big enough for everyone to jump through. Noel and Blobby step up.
Nano-Tron: Just step through carefully and-
Noel Edmunds: This is not the first portal I’ve stepped through thank you very much. Come on Blobby.
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!
The Crinkly Bottom Boys step through the portal. Dylan Black hops through. PRICE stops and looks at everyone.
PRICE: Can’t say there is a better way to go out then something like this.
PRICE goes to step through but comes back.
PRICE: I still blame Steve for everything.
PRICE hops through the portal.
Spike comes walking up with Dax and Tomo. Scolding them both for getting into trouble.
Spike Kane: All this over a damn pipe you had me worried sick!!
Dax: We’re sorry Spike…
Spike Kane: Get in the portal you guys!
Dax and Tomo hang there heads in shame and hop into the portal.
Hardcore Harry walks up to the portal.
Hardcore Harry: Next time you drag me out of retirement for a stupid war against a body part…..
Harry glares at them.
Hardcore Harry: At least make boobs or feet or something.
Harry stepped through the portal. Rat Bastard walked up next. The bros stopped him.
Spike Kane: Hey Rat, have you seen Steve?
Curtis Kanyon: He still hasn’t shown up.
Rat just shrugs his shoulders.
Rat Bastard: No, I haven't seen him at all. I thought he was with you guys.
Rat smiles innocently and then hops through the portal. Zoran walks up and tries to comfort the bros.
Zoran Sainovic: I’m sure you bill find Steve. Or maybe he is dead? You never know.
Zoran pats Spike and Kanyon on the shoulder and then hops through the portal.
Saber-Tron: Okay, come on guys let’s go.
Curtis Kanyon: No we can’t leave without Steve.
Spike Kane: We need more time, we have to look for him.
Machine: SELF DESTRUCTION IMMINENT.
Shogun-Tron: We don’t have any time. We have to go now!
Spike, EC and Kanyon remained stubborn. They refused to leave until Steve was able to leave with them.
Saber-Tron: Come on now!
The trons yank Spike, EC and Kanyon through the portal and it closes just as the machine bursts into a huge explosion! Destroying damn near everything in its path.
Big Drags hand shoots through the firey wreckage….but it quickly collapses.
[Fade.]
Cramer Krampus: HELLO!? Can you hear us?
Bart Frost: I think we’re back on. We uhhh, we are not sure what all just happened.
Cramer Krampus: A lot to unpack there.
Bart Frost: Too much.
Cramer Krampus: Good night everybody.
Bart Frost: Thanks for watching.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a ‘Last Man Standing’ match! Entering the ring at this time, representing the Von Krauss Dynasty! Hailing from Cologne, Germany at 245 pounds! This is ARMAAAAAAAND VON KRAAAAAUUUSSSS!
Armand stalks down the ramp, scowling at the fans as he climbs the stairs to step inside the ring. He shakes his head, staring at them as he paces back and forth. There is alot of bad blood between him and Donzig, and he is clearly in a foul mood. He pulls on the ropes, nodding to himself as he walks towards the ramp as the mic is lifted once more.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: And his opponent weighing in at 215 pounds! Hailing from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! They call him the Scourge, he is DOOOOOOONZIIIIIIIG!
The lights go down, and flames erupt from the stage and along the ramp. They billow and boil wildly as Donzig walks from the back, his arms spreading wide as he stops at the top of it with a lift of his hooded head. The mask of the Scourge gleams under it as he storms down the ramp, tearing off his long leather coat to fling it aside as he stomps up the stairs.
He climbs the turnbuckle glaring down at Armand, before he removes his mask. The fans are eating it up as Donzig jumps down, and he stalks over to get in Armand’s face. The Uber Heel jabs a finger at Donzig’s chest, firing back with a few words of his own. The ref calls for the bell, and the two start swinging!
Bart Frost: Action underway in a hurry. Why is he the Scourge Cramer?
Cramer Krampus: If he's anything like my ex-wife, he probably sucks the soul out of all joy around him.
Armand is driven towards the ropes as Donzig rapid fires a few heavy rights, and then the Scourge grabs his head before he delivers a bite to his eyebrow! Armand snarls, grabbing his head to shove him back as blood runs down his face. Donzig spits, laughing as he motions for Armand to bring it on!
Von Krauss wipes his face, and then he comes out swinging with a few hard shots that rock back the Scourge. Then he flings Donzig at the ropes, and levels him with a clothesline that sends him to the mat! The fans groan, and Armand sends a few kicks at Donzig’s ribs that send him rolling across the mat! Donzig pulls himself up the ropes, and he laughs that weird inhuman laugh of his as Armand shakes his head.
Cramer Krampus: Rights and lefts! Lets get bloody boys!
Bart Frost: Your hurting inside aren't you Cranky Cramps?
Cramer Krampus: Not as much as you will be if you keep calling me that.
Bart Frost: This match is personal for the two of these men. Dating back to their days in SWAT.
Then he charges in, and Donzig moves aside to let Armand hit the ropes. He grabs his head, running the German at the corner to batter his head against the turnbuckle. He slams it against his face again and again, and then he drags his eyes across the top rope before he points at the other side of the ring.
Armand is ran across the ring, and flung over the ropes as the fans are on their feet as Donzig runs backwards. The Scourge comes through the ropes, crashing into the rising Armand and both men land in a heap on the outside. The ref stares, and then starts to count!
1…
2…
3…
4…
Armand is on his feet first, dragging himself up the rail before he grabbed Donzig to lift him upwards. He drops him across the barricade, and Donzig staggers away before Armand grabs him before he lifts him upwards to drop him across the barricade again with a high angle back drop! Donzig hits the floor, grabbing at his back as he rolls around as Armand glares at him.
The ref swallows, and starts a count.
1…
2…
3…
Donzig starts to rise, shaking his head before Armand shoves past the ref to grab him. He slams his head against the apron, battering his head at it a few times. Then he jerks him around, and he starts hammering hard knees into his ribs and side before he pulls Donzig to go for a suplex! But Donzig twists, landing behind Armand to shove him hard into the ringpost! The fans cheer, and Armand staggers back shaking his head as he turns before Donzig drives a kick to his gut!
Bart Frost: DDT!
The fans explode, and the ref again stares as Donzig leans against the barricade with a wild smile.
1…
2…
Armand starts to rise, and then drops again.
1…
2…
Donzig grabs a chair from over the rail, slamming it against the floor before he shoves aside the ref as he reaches three!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
Armand arches in pain, howling as Donzig stares at the bending chair with disgust. Then he drives a boot into his side, and the chair is shoved against Armand’s throat as he leans down on it. The fans are going wild, and the ref looks around in dismay as Armand choking spits defiance at Donzig who is ranting and raving.
Bart Frost: Heated is the Scourge, almost as hot as that half-elf I had over last night.
Cramer Krampus: I love a good rage dump! Look at the hate these two have for each other! Ahhh, the joy of Holiday hatred at its finest.
Armand grabs at the chair, trying to force it and Donzig back as the place is soaking it all in. And then he twists aside, and the chair stabs into the floor. Donzig glares, and turns with the chair in hand! But Armand steps aside, and kicks him in the stomach! The chair falls to the floor, and Armand snags Donzig around the waist to drive him down on it with a side belly to belly on the outside!
Armand pulls himself up, pointing at Donzig as he glares at the ref.
1…
2…
3…
4…
Donzig drags himself to his feet, holding his ribs as he grins wildly before he leans against the barricade with a motion for Armand to bring it on. Armand curses, and charges in with a clothesline that rocks Donzig over the rail into the fans. Then he climbs after him, ignoring the referee! Donzig staggers back towards his feet, and then Armand slams a knee into his head before he drops a double axe handle across his shoulders. The fans groan, and Armand waves them back before he gets his arms around his shoulders calling for a suplex! But the Scourge shoved him back, and fired a punch into the face of the Uber-heel! The place explodes, and Donzig starts dropping more wild punches before Armand starts throwing punches of his own. The fans spread around them, and they move in a wild circle as fists start flying. Armand goes for a lock up, and he shoves Donzig backwards causing chairs to topple around them.
Cramer Krampus: I don't need musical chairs, I wanna see someone get bent!
Bart Frost: Donzig doesn't look pleased with how this is going - look at that scowl of the Scourge.
Donzig snarls, and then his head snaps forward to crash into his face! The hold is broken, and Donzig waves an arm as he spins around with Armand before whipping him through the rows of chairs as fans fly out of the way! Armand lands in a heap, tangled in chairs before Donzig charges past the counting ref to leap onto the barricade.
Bart Frost: LIONSAULT!
The fans explode, and Donzig rolls off grabbing at his ribs as he kicks at the floor. Armand sprawls, and the place is going crazy as the ref started to count.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
Armand starts to stir, and Donzig crawls to his knees with his arms wrapped around his ribs. He grabs for the barricade, snarling. Armand pushes himself up a chair, staring around him as he coughs.
6…
7…
Armand shoves himself to his feet, and stalks forward as Donzig turns from the barricade with a laugh as he tugs at his beard. Armand cracks a fist into his fist, and then locks him up as he goes for a suplex. Donzig twists, landing behind him to shove him into the barricade! Then Armand turns, and Donzig charges forward to send them both crashing back to the floor by the ring! The fans are loving it, and the ref stares as he climbs over as he starts to count!
1…
2…
3…
4…
Armand staggers to his feet, shaking his head as Donzig finds his own. The pair face off, and the place is eating it up as Armand snaps a kick into Donzig’s stomach before he flings him at the stairs! They come apart, and Donzig crashes to the floor amidst the metal as Armand laughs.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
Donzig shoves himself upwards, stumbling against the stairs as Armand charges in.
Bart Frost: POP UP POWERBOMB ONTO THE STEEL!
The fans are on their feet, chanting ‘Holy Shit!’ as Donzig stares as the twitching and broken Armand rolls from the stairs to sprawl on the floor. The ref gapes, and Donzig shakes his head before he spits. He walks past the man before he can start a count, grabbing Armand’s head to start bouncing it against the steel edge! More blood flows as Donzig rants and raves at him, flinging him aside as he stalks back and forth.
The ref steps forward, and his arm lifts.
Bart Frost: EVENT HORIZON!
The fans gasp, and then lose it as the ref sprawls on the floor near Armand as Donzig stares down at them both with a blank expression. His eyes cold and distant as he looks up, and then his face twists in a fury before he kicks the stairs aside as he starts to pace once more with a glare cast at the bleeding Armand.
Donzig spat, and then he started to dig under the ring. He came back out with a kendo stick, and he snapped it against the floor before he stalks back towards the slowly stirring Armand. Blood was running from the German’s head, and he crawled across the ref as he tried to drag himself up the stairs.
CRACK!
Armand arches in pain, falling back across the ref before Donzig spins the kendo stick before he starts laying blow after blow across his back. The fans are counting them off, and Armand drags himself towards the ring as he tries to retreat.
Donzig snarls, grabbing Armand before he places the kendo stick around his throat to choke him as he rips him away from the ring. He is ranting again, and Armand drives an elbow into his gut! The stick falls, and Armand grabs him before he drops him across the stairs with a huge back drop! The fans boo, and Donzig sprawls as Armand wipes blood from his head before he watches Donzig start to rise.
Armand grabbed him, jerking him around before he plants him with the DRILLTIP on the stairs! The place explodes, and Donzig is bleeding again as he flops to the floor with his eyes wide open as Armand staggers back. He looks around wildly as the fans mock him with a count before he sees the ref still laying there.
A string of German curses, and Armand kicks the man in the side before he kneels down to slap him awake. More curses, and he rises as the man feebly stirs before is clearly still dazed as Armand pulls him to his feet. He smacks him again, shoving him against the ring before he points.
The ref blinks, and starts to count.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
Donzig slowly stirs, blood dripping from his face as he pulls himself up the barricade.
7…
He sinks to a knee, and Armand smirks.
8…
Donzig jerks himself upwards, staggering as he leans against the barricade before he turns to stare at Armand with a bloody grin.
Armand howls, shoving the ref as he charges at Donzig with a flurry of punches and kicks as he drives him towards the ring. The Uber snarls, and flings Donzig inside one of the rings before he rolls in after him with shake of his head. And Donzig stares at him as he wipes a hand across his mouth, blood oozing down his face.
Armand batters at him for a few punches, and hits a hard suplex! The fans boo, and the ref starts a count before Armand waves him off as he drags Donzig back to his feet before he flings him at the corner. Then he walks forward, lifting Donzig onto the turnbuckle before he looks around wildly before he hits a massive superplex!
The ref stares, and jerks away from the angry Armand as he starts to count.
1…
2…
3…
4…
Donzig finds his feet, holding at his back as he staggers forward. Armand swears, grabbing at him before Donzig flings him at the ropes.
Bart Frost: LOU THESZ PRESS!
The Scourge rains punch after punch down on Armand, howling and screaming before he rolls off with a shake of his head. The fans are loving it, and the ref backs away as Donzig stares at him before he rolls to the outside. He is under the ring again before he comes to his feet, and he holds a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire overhead.
Armand stared, and started to back away as Donzig slid back into the ring. He hisses, lifting the bat before his hand swept across it. Flames come to life, and they crackle as Donzig swings the bat before he cracks it across the head of the rising Armand! Flames swirl, and Armand is down before Donzig starts laying it across his back and sides.
Cramer Krampus: The ref tries to wave him off, but dives back as Donzig stares at him.
HeeHee and HaHa make the save, diving inside of the ring to grab at Donzig as Armand rolls away. The bat is swung wildly as Donzig stumbles, and then he drives it hard into the gut of HaHa before he cracks it across the back of his head. Blood everywhere, and then he ducks under the flailing arms of HeeHee before the bat sweeps his legs from under him. His eyes lock on Armand, who rips a heavy looking metal box from the timekeeper.
The WarGames cage begins to lower, and he smirks at Donzig as the clowns drive him towards it.
The cage is nearly to the ropes now, and Donzig grabs HeeHee to fling him into the corner. He charges forward, battering an elbow into his face before he draws back to bury his foot in his stomach!
Bart Frost: EVENT HORIZON!
The place explodes, and Armand fumes as he yells orders at the remaining Clown. He laughs and nods stupidly before he grabs Donzig with a grin, the Scourge curses and flails before he runs at the lowering cage to crack Donzig against it as Armand stops the descent! Donzig slams into it hard, but his hands dig into the cage as his legs suddenly tighten on HaHa’s head and neck.
The clown gurgles, and Donzig yanks himself upwards to rip free before he drives both boots into the clown’s face! Blood flows, and HaHa stumbles back before Donzig batters another kick and a third into his head. Then he drops off, and hits a tornado DDT!
Armand blinks, and starts to fumble with the controls again as Donzig rolls to the outside with murder in his eyes.
The Uber snarls, cursing about the clowns before he storms forward. The cage halting just over the top rope, and they start swinging. Donzig batters away at him before flinging Armand at the ring, and delivers a brutal uppercut that rocks him.
The prison crowd eats it up, and Donzig lifts Armand to lay him inside the ring. He runs and cracks an elbow across his head, and then he looks around wildly. He grabs a chair from the crowd, and spins it around before he goes to chop it over Armand’s neck.
HeeHeeHee drags him inside and Donzig stares, before he slides inside with the chair. The clown stomps at him but the Scourge rises, stabbing the chair into his stomach before he cracks the long edge over his head. Blood flows, and Donzig swings the chair over the face of the rising HaHaHa.
Armand stares at him, looking about wildly as he rises. Donzig flings the chair at him, and then crashes both knees into it over Armand’s face! He rolls to his feet, and the ref counts.
1…
2…
3…
4…
Armand shoved himself upwards, spitting blood as he mutters to himself in German to lock both hands around DonZig’s head. The Scourge flailed as Armand forced him to his knees, and the ref stared before Armand broke the hold to stomp away at him.
Donzig was down, and Armand pointed.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5….
Donzig slid to his feet with a snarl of defiance as he staggered back, and Armand spat as he came in hot. But Donzig drove a boot to his stomach before hooking his arms to hit a Lifting Double Underhook DDT that sent Armand in a broken heap.
Donzig rolled to the outside, and he looked around before an evil grin spread across his face. Pushing aside the ref he dragged Armand forward so he was just under the ropes head dangling from the ring as Donzig popped punch after punch into him.
Then Donzig grabbed the control, and stabbed his thumb down on the button. The cage lurched to life, descending even as the clowns scrambled to try and drag Armand back into the ring. But it came down across Armand’s stomach, and he bowled as he grabbed at it. Trying to get free, and kicking away the clowns before it shuddered to a halt as blood oozed from his mouth as he grabbed at the cage before looking to Donzig.
Donzig smirked, dropping the control before he stomped on it three times and grinding it with his heel. A shrug as the ref started to count.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
7…
8…
9…
Bart Frost: Armand's head stirring! Can he get up?
Cramer Krampus: Get up Armand! I wanna see more violence!
….10!
The fans explode counting with the ref as Armand gurgling blood and cursing tries to grab at the sneering Donzig as he leans closer.
Donzig: Armand! See you soon.
A sick smile on the face of Donzig before he walks away from the scene of the crime.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Winner of the Oh Violent Night Last Man Standing match -- DONZIG!
The camera pans over the carnage that ensued here and the picture of Armand von Krauss laid out, eyes barely fluttering as he begins to come to.
Main Event
Civil War Games
The Pillars of Violence
Dylan Black, Jesse Jamester, PRICE, & Spike Kane
vs
Steve Awesome Presents
Awesome Bastards & Crinkly Bottom Boys
vs
El BANG! Hermanos and Friends
Curtis Kanyon & El Combatiente & Zoran Sainovic & Hardcore Harry
Intros
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The following contest is our MAIN EVENT of the evening! Scheduled for ONE FALL! As agreed upon this match will be regulated under WARGAME RULES! One member of each team will start the match. Every two minutes a random member will join. Once all members of all teams have entered the cage, the match officially begins! First pinfall or submission wins their team the bout!
Panning the Eastern State Penitentiary inner workings, the camera takes on a tour through the front gate. A structure built and fortified to keep those inside remaining there. The iron bars and barbed wire lined chain link fence are only a fraction of the barriers seen as the camera walks through the first individual door and comes to a stop. The iron door slides open and a buzzer goes off in conjunction.
Bart Frost: Welcome back to Oh Violent Night three!
Cramer Krampus: Ugh, I’m glad this is the main event, I’m tired of this.
Bart Frost: Of what? It’s been an exciting show so far, Kranky Kramps. Have some eggnog!
Cramer Krampus: Pass. Just like many people in the XHF when they heard of this stupid night.
We proceed through a great hall into a holding area. Here is where inmates would be stripped and sprayed of their dignity. Washed and clothed, we make our way through the first set of cells, stacked four rows high with giant stairs zig zagging in three areas. When the Prison was active, a guard would reside on each plateau of stairs, armed with full metal jackets.
Bart Frost: We are about to get into the Civil Wargames main event. Who do you think gets first blood tonight?
Cramer Krampus: Hope it’s Kanyon, the former President. Politicians' suffering is divine.
Tonight the halls were decorated with barbed wire wrapped Christmas lights, draping through hallways and lining the cells. The prison, while ghostly in its presence, tonight had a holiday cheer.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing first, hailing from Hokkaido, Japan! Weighing in this evening at two hundred and five pounds! A Pillar of Violence! The Daemon Prince of Destruction! The Cyborg Assassin! Ladies and gentlemen I give you — DYLAN BLACK!
A live orchestra of violins play a lullaby of the famous theme song. Suddenly the violin strumming turns into metal shredding guitars, the arm of Dylan Black rips through the backdrop screen as he steps through. The entrance area was made out of the cafeteria south side doors, helping separate the teams before the big fight in the cafeteria. Three rings linked together with steel walls surrounding it. Out walks the two time former XHF X*Crown Champion and 2021’s XHF Rumble winner; calm, cool and Clint Eastwood collected — Dylan Black has arrived at Civil Wargames.
Cramer Krampus: Dressed like the emo goth love child of the nineties that fell in love with grunge music.
Bart Frost: The youngest and most successful star in the XHF, setting a trail of fire with his XHF X*Crown championships and Rumble win.
Cramer Krampus: Oh ho ho, Dylan won something. I’m over it. He needs to shut up and get decked.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing next, hailing from Los Angeles, California! Weighing in this evening at two hundred nineteen pounds! Representing El Hermanos BANG Bros, a former Junior Heavyweight Champion of the XHF, and a member of the winners of Call to Arms two years running – EL COMBATIENTE!
“To Live and Die in LA” by Tupac plays throughout the speakers as another iron door slides open on the western side of the hall. Out walks one half of El Hermanos Bros tag team, the ever elusive, El Combatiente, dressed for the occasion in a special Christmas green with white wrist stitching on the seams. Taking his time to get to the ring, El Combatiente stares at the structure for this evenings Civil Wargames. Grabbing the mesh cash siding and shaking it as he steps up the steps of the open door. One leg goes slowly through the ropes as El Combatiente ushers Dylan Black to stand back and allow him to enter. Dylan’s eyebrows ruffle before he throws a side glance and steps back into a corner, gesturing the floor was all El Combatientes. Finally the former XHF Junior Heavyweight champion enters the ring. Taking a roll to the center and springing to his feet as he is so known to do.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Introducing next, hailing from Crinkly Bottom, England! He would not allow us to weigh him but he represents the team of Steve Awesome Presents! Former XHF Tag Team Champion and one half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys — NOEL EDMUNDS!
Crinkly Bottom Boys music hits and the team comes out. Noel Edmunds talks Mr Blobby into going back to the waiting area, per the Wargames rules. With a frown on his face Mr Blobby obliges. Taking his time walking the aisle, Noel Edmunds is focused on the two men inside already. From the arena rafters lowers the cage top, equipped with weapons. With precision the top of the Wargames cage is finally in place, containing all of the madness about to be spilled in Pennsylvania’s famous Penitentiary. Dylan Black and El Combatiente waste zero time as they immediately grab weapons. Edmunds walks around to the cage door and grabs a table from under the ring, sliding it in the doorway before entering the battlegrounds. The referee locks the door. The wall shows a projection of the timer for this match. Flashing all zeroes before it shows the two minute countdown and the total time of the match below it, starting at 00:00. The referee signals for the bell and this one begins!
Match
Ding! Ding! Ding!
El Combatiente takes a chain from the cage roof and aims his attack at the Messiah of Mayhem. Wrapping Dylan’s shoulders, El Combatiente restricts Dylan’s arms and ripcords him into the cage wall! Dylan rebounds with a springboard elbow to El Combatiente’s nose! The chain flies from EC’s hand and ends up near the apron area where the rings met. Noel Edmunds has set up the table in the first ring and makes his way to the third ring where EC and Dylan are. Axe handle smash off the top from Edmunds to the back of Black! Noel shoots Dylan to the turnbuckle and follows up with a monkey flip. EC springboards off the cage and leg drops Dylan seconds after Edmunds flip is executed! Edmunds and EC rise to face one another. Spanish is spoken briefly as we hear the female dog persuasion used by EC as he throat chops Noel Edmunds!
Cramer Krampus: An exchange of the tongues goes poorly for one half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys.
Bart Frost: Dylan Black breaks a singapore cane over the back of El Combatiente!
Cramer Krampus: Right back to the carnage! Ah, I love it.
Dylan uses the cane to straighten El Combatiente before laying it across his chest and grabbing the other end as he loops his arm over the neck and shoulder of EC, delivering a Russian leg sweep into the turnbuckle! Smash! A superkick connects with the shoulder of Black, sending him into the turnbuckle and squishing EC below him with his backside. Noel waits for Dylan to turn around and does a double finger poke! Blinded temporarily, Dylan grabs at his face with one hand while he swings wildly with the other. Noel smirks as he steps back, admiring his handy-work, before back body dropping Dylan into the center of the ring. Sunset flip driver! El Combatiente springs up and uses Edmunds own momentum to hit the move with precision! He goes for a pin but it’s for not as the referee shakes his head.
Bart Frost: He sure looked goofy trying to get a pin.
Cramer Krampus: Right after being explained the match rules too.
Bart Frost: I’ll chalk that up as instinct, as we know El Combatiente has a resume that rivals the constitution.
Cramer Krampus: Wouldn’t go that far.
Rolling Edmunds off him, EC gets up and is hit with a kick to the abdomen by Black. A grapple is initiated between the two men, leading them to the ropes as they jockey for the advantage. EC stomps the foot of Dylan and locks Dylan in a headlock before dragging Black’s face the length of the top rope. El Combatiente spins and springs into an elbow smash attack that rocks Dylan in the corner. Irish whip, EC sends Dylan the distance of the ring, to which Dylan is able to jump up on the second turnbuckle, grabbing a trash can and launching it at the running El Combatiente!
Bart Frost: Trashcan to the face of El Combatiente!
Cramer Krampus: No way to prepare for that one.
Bart Frost: You obviously have never seen DodgeBall.
The clock begins to tick down the final ten seconds as ring announcer retired reindeer keeper Yahk stands up at ringside with microphone in hand.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Representing the OG BANG! Bros, a former President — CURTIS KANYON!
Walking through the prison we see the trained security guards escort Curtis Kanyon towards the Eastern State Penitentiary’s cafeteria where the rings surrounded by the Wargames cage has been set up for tonight’s main event. Out through the far south doors comes the El Hermanos BANG! Bro himself, Curtis Kanyon.
Bart Frost: What a Republic thing to do,I know I didn’t vote for him, look at that attire, so eighties of him.
Cramer Krampus: Too late in this one to call for a revote, we’re stuck with the El Hermanos BANG Bros taking an early advantage.
Bart Frost: As we see the BANG! Bros double team their foes here and make an example of their supremacy, may I remind everyone to call 1-888-444-OVN3 and give us 30 seconds of your best impression of your favorite XHF star!
Kanyon takes to the ring and aids his partner EC as he double shoulder blocks Noel Edmunds and Dylan Black! Kanyon is fired up, showing that intensity that brings him to the grand stage time after time. Kurtis with a power slam to Noel Edmunds! EC comes off the turnbuckle with a spinning wheel kick to the back of Dylan Black, sending him face first into the cage wall. EC rolls to his feet and high fives Kanyon.
Cramer Krampus: BANG Hermanos on the same page and make use of their team advantage.
Bart Frost: Expected this duo to do that. They know each other so well.
Kanyon and El Combatiente show the team work that has delivered many championships, slapping thighs and delivering a flapjack into a double knee gutbuster to The Crinkly Bottom Boy Edmunds. Dylan is Irish whipped to the ropes and heaved into the air by Kanyon, but Black has other plans and reverses into a tornado DDT! EC comes at Dylan on the rebound and hurracarana’s him into the turnbuckle! Dylan rolls sideways and out of ring one and into the middle section between the rings. Shaking off the attack, he rises between the rings. EC comes rushing at him and receives a shoulder thrust to the stomach at the ropes! Dylan grabs the ropes and flips over EC, rolling off his back and clotheslining the rising Kanyon! Dylan rebounds and EC leaps up for a dropkick! Dylan does the same and both men dropkick the other in the chest area, hitting the canvas hard in unison!
Cramer Krampus: Punch drunk hits hard.
Bart Frost: I don’t think he’s drunk.
Cramer Krampus: No, but that hit was like a last call. It was sudden and out of nowhere.
Edmunds is up, looking worse for wear as he and Dylan fight at a disadvantage against the well equipped team of El Bang Hermanos. Edmunds grabs a chair from the cage roof and prepares for the first member of the team to rise. Kanyon is that man, and BANG!
Bart Frost: Former President Kanyon slices through the politics. Breaking Noel Edmunds nearly in half!
Cramer Krampus: A football coach somewhere is proud, but pretty predictable of ole’ Curtis.
Bart Frost: Dylan Black attacks Kanyon!
Swinging the Singapore cane over the back of Kanyon, Black uses the cane to choke Kanyon as he drops him with a reverse neck breaker onto his knee! Kanyon rolls around holding his neck as EC finds another Singapore cane and swings it at Dylan’s shoulder. The two have a stand off as the timer counts down from ten.
Bart Frost: A duel of canes, wasn’t that in the Bible?
Cramer Krampus: Do I look like I went to church?
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Cleveland, Ohio! Weighing in this evening at 245 pounds! Representing the Pillars of Violence and known as ‘the Messiah of Hardcore’, ‘The Godfather of Violence’, the Horror of the Squared Circle, — PRICE!
“Point of No Return” by Immortal Technique blares through the prison area where the Civil Wargames was being held. Like a lightning bolt, the fans seated in the VIP section of the hall (levels above and blocked off from using the bottom stairs) bolt out of their seats and begin stomping for the Messiah of Hardcore PRICE! He comes out with a chair in hand, wrapped in barbed wire courtesy of his team member, we imagine. Dragging it at his side he smashes the steel cage side wall once before he throws the chair through the open door and flips the ring apron up. Grabbing more weapons tucked under the ring, PRICE is doing what he is known best for - bringing the house of hardcore with him.
Bart Frost: PRICE bringing the party with him!
Cramer Krampus: Now this is how I want to celebrate Christmas. Hardcore hell and all my relatives, what a day that would be.
Bart Frost: I presume you and the family don’t get along then?
Cramer Krampus: Haven’t seen them in decades. It’s for the best, trust me.
The Messiah of Hardcore gets in the ring after slinging an abundance of weapons through the open door. Scattered amongst the mess, PRICE grabs the chair he originally had and swings it at the first BANG! Member he sees, in this case, El Combatiente. The masked star takes the welt full on and the chair bends around the cranium, leaving an indent, before he drops to the mat. PRICE tosses the chair to Dylan in the second ring and points as Noel Edmunds is seen climbing the cage behind him to grab a weapon. SMASH! Cracking the chair off the lower back and rear end of Noel Edmunds, the Crinkly Bottom Boy falls on the ropes and ball busters himself as a result.
Cramer Krampus: Poor Blobby ain’t gonna have any kids after that one.
Bart Frost: Are they, uh, a couple?
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know nor care, but I assumed so when I saw them together.
Bart Frost: You can’t assume these things in this day and age Cranky Cramps. It’s not woke.
Cramer Krampus: Then call me Cramer UNWoke Krampus, I don’t give a ——!
The expletive was bleeped out by the chair shot that came next as Dylan smashed Noel Edmunds while on the ropes holding himself in pain. The steel seat of the chair is completely unhinged after the hit and leaves the chair a frame of the outside legs and back. Dylan drops it to the canvas and nods to PRICE who is maneuvering a table in the first ring. Dylan grabs El Combatiente and throws him through the ropes into the middle section, guiding him towards the table. PRICE smiles like the sick bastard he is.
Bart Frost: Just wait for Mister Blobby to get out here. I heard he has a big move he’s planning on unveiling just for tonight’s event.
Cramer Krampus: What is he going to do, a snot blob?
Bart Frost: Don’t underestimate Mister Blobby - it’s what makes him dangerous.
Cramer Krampus: Oooooooh, I’m so scared. Pffft.
The count down timer begins beeping at the ten second countdown.
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada! Weighing in this evening at 285 pounds! Representing Steve Awesome Presents and one half of the Awesome Bastards, known as the FIRST EVER XHF X*Crown Champion — RAT BASTARD!
"Sympathy For The Devil" by The Rolling Stones blasts over the speakers and we see the west side steel guard door slide open. Moments go by as smoke begins to pour out, rising slowly and as thicc as Mongo. As the lyrics hit, out comes Rat Bastard! The cocky and cool self-proclaimed ‘Bad Guy’ of the XHF strolls through the smoke with his hands giving the ‘Ooooh, I’m so scared’ gesture before he clears the smoke and comes closer to the Wargames structure.
Cramer Krampus: Bust’em open and watch them bleed big boy!
Bart Frost: You really need a therapist.
Inside, the action has shifted from a Pillars of Violence advantage to Dylan fighting with Kanyon and El Combatiente and PRICE slugging it out. EC and PRICE stand feet away from a table that’s been setup while Dylan and Kanyon are in between the rings smashing each other with any object they can get their hands on. Kanyon cracks a cookie sheet over Dylan’s head, imprinting the star’s forehead in the pan. Kanyon drops the cookie sheet and pulls a bent up trash can from the ring. Placing it behind him, he turns and kicks Dylan in the gut and prepares for a suplex! Dylan fights it off, using the rope for help, and stomps the foot of the former President. Using the ropes again, Dylan springs up and knees Kanyon in the chest, causing him to trip over the trash can and stumble into the cage wall between the two rings. Running at him, Dylan hits a double front dropkick and sends Kanyon into the cage wall with whiplash force! Curtis slumps to a seating position, holding his chest from the move, as Dylan takes a moment to recover on one of the hardest parts of the ring.
In comes Rat Bastard, who seems reluctant to join the battle. Instead he slips past them all and goes towards his partner Noel Edmunds. Smacking Noel in the face to try and revive the fallen team member. Rat has no luck and instead begins to lift Noel to his feet, which takes more effort than he thought it would. Rat gets Noel in the corner and on his feet after a bit. Shaking the shoulders of the Crinkly Bottom Boy, Rat finally sees life in his eyes after the brutality Noel had endured. Rat appears to crack a Bad Guy smile, which is all too familiar of shenanigans about to ensue. Talking to his partner for a moment before turning back towards their opponents. From across the ring comes El Combatiente running with a frying pan in hand, swinging at Rat — who ducks and runs to the far ropes. El Combatiente instead smashes Noel right on the head with the frying pan!
Bart Frost: Eggs are scrambled for the Crinkly Bottom Boy Edmunds!
Cramer Krampus: No aspirin on earth will make that feel better.
Bart Frost: Edmunds has been through a lot worse. The Crinkly Bottom Boys had a year of hell in 2022 but they proved to be one of the best teams in XHF. If he could survive End of Days he will survive tonight, bet.
Rat Bastard puts a boot to the side of EC’s head, sending him into the cage wall. Without missing a beat, Rat begins to grate EC’s mask using the cage wall. Rat stops and begins elbowing EC in the back of the head, smashing the Hermanos BANG Bro into the cage wall repeatedly.
Coming into the ring is Dylan as Kanyon tosses him through the ropes and sees his partner taking a beating. The former President rushes the ropes to the right and steams full speed ahead at Rat from an angle! BANG!? Not this time as Rar moves in the Knick of time. Rat saw him from the corner of his eye, dodges out of the way and Kanyon puts the breaks on to avoid hitting his partner with his trademark move. Rat cracks Kanyon with an elbow strike to the back of his neck and drives him into EC from inside the ring to sandwich the Hermanos BANG Bros together.
Bart Frost: Shining wizard by Dylan Black!
Cramer Krampus: Rat is down and PRICE is back in the fold. What concoction did he set up in the first ring?
Bart Frost: Two tables side by side with the barbed wire chair on top of them in the middle. This doesn’t bode well for anyone.
Cramer Krampus: Anyone but the Pillars of Violence.
The count down timer appears.
5…4…3…2…1!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Joliet, Illinois! Weighing in tonight at three hundred and seventeen pounds! He is the originator of the Hardcore Persona, a Cornerstone of Xtreme, and the OG BAD ASS — HAROLD CAMPBELL, HARDCORE HARRY!
"Invincible" by Pat Benatar blares through the prison and we see Harold Campbell appear like the giant monster he is! 6 foot 11 inches tall and the biggest man in the match by half a foot, Hardcore Harry is a legend of the XHF - going back nearly 20 years. Hardcore Harry enters the cage by stepping over the top rope and into ring one with PRICE standing in front of him. Two icons of the XHF stare one another down and go to battle! Harry smashing PRICE with haymakers that would make a Giant blush. PRICE fights back, driving Harry into the ropes, taking more abuse as he does. Dylan sees the altercation and heads to help PRICE. Harry scoops PRICE off his feet and tosses him over the ropes onto Dylan!
Cramer Krampus: Hardcore Harry is like a Sasquatch and a yeti had a baby in an asylum, this man is a freak of nature.
Bart Frost: He’s all power and the fresh man. Nobody is safe.
Hardcore Harry steps over the top rope once and then again to get to the other ring. Rat Bastard reaches for a weapon from the cage wall, but it’s too late! Harry plucks him from the wall and power bombs Rat into the canvas, shaking the wargames structure! Kanyon pulls himself up and checks to make sure EC is okay before nodding at Harry and pointing at Dylan and PRICE. The Pillars rise and face off with Kanyon and Harry. Kanyon goes for Dylan and Harry grabs PRICE by the throat, lifting him off his feet. Dylan slips behind Kanyon and drops him with a snap neck breaker. As he gets up El Combatiente comes off the top rope with a 2x4!
Bart Frost: Incoming masked maniac!
Cramer Krampus: Kamikazee BANG Bro.
Dropkick to the knees from Dylan, sends EC into a front flip, landing on Kanyon! Grabbing the 2x4, Dylan Black swings and smashes Hardcore Harry over the back as he chokes PRICE out up against the cage wall. Harry hardly registers the hit, so Dylan does it again! A third swing and the 2x4 splits in half. Hardcore drops PRICE, who drops between the cage wall and the ring ropes. Dylan looks at the broken piece in hand and swings it at Hardcore Harry’s head!
Bart Frost: With the quickness!
Cramer Krampus: A monster is Harry, but smart. That’s a dangerous combination when dealing with someone six foot eleven inches tall.
Harry grabs Dylan’s wrist before it lands. Harry shakes his head as he squeezes, forcing Dylan to drop the weapon before he swings with a hammer fist to the shoulder blade! It topples Dylan to the mat, but Harry isn’t done. Picking Dylan up by the wrist, he whips him into the ropes and picks up Dylan by his side on the rebound. Spinning Dylan around his shoulder and planting him head first into the canvas as he sits out!
Bart Frost: THE HOMEWRECKER!
Cramer Krampus: Who me?
Bart Frost: No that’s what the move is called Cranky McGoo.
Cramer Krampus: Mhmm. (Side glances Bart)
The fans in the levels above are heard stomping the floor and counting down with the clock.
Fans: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Hailing from Calgary, Alberta Canada! Weighing in this evening at 278 pounds! He represents the Pillars of Violence! The Murder Lizard — JESSE JAMESTER!
Ripping cords of the song “Everything Ends” smashes the speakers and the Murder Lizard comes bolting to the ring. Barely letting the cage door open before grabbing it and climbing into the ring, Jesse Jamester wastes no time in going right into the first ring. Hardcore Harry stands in the opposite ring. Everyone else laid out presently. The monsters of the match storm at each other like a Godzilla flick. Harry had Jesse by nearly a half foot and fifty pounds. Meeting in the middle of the two rings, Harry with a heavy right! Jesse staggers against the ropes and shoots back with a right of his own!
Kramer Krampus: Reminds me of the Krampus Turkey bowl. Bunch brutes beating the stuffing out of each other over bread.
Harry leans in and headbuttes Jesse, sending him backwards into the steel cage wall. Harry slumbers forward and picks Jesse up by the throat with both hands. Lifting the Murder lizard up against the cage wall to get him off his feet. Jabbing the eyes with his thumbs Jesse puts both hands around Harry’s face and pushes in, looking to force the break, and succeeds. Slipping under a wild throw, Jesse gets behind Harry as he wipes at his eyes and is distracted. Kneeing Harry in the back and up against the cage wall.
Bart Frost: You gotta love this, Krampus! To big men slapping meat! It’s what wrestling is all about.
Cramer Krampus: I don’t know about that, Bart, but this sure is entertaining.
Jesse follows up with a stiff blow to Harry’s neck and then bashes Harry’s head off the cage. The Murder Lizard looks to rake Harry’s head across the cage but Harry fights out with an elbow or two to the midsection of the murder lizard. Jesse steps back and throws a kick but Harry was baiting him in and moved at the last second. Jesse’s kick gets tangled up in the ropes! Jesse tries to get free but instead gets clocked by a big swinging haymaker that sends Jesse tumbling to the mat. Meanwhile, Rat Bastard starts to sneak around in the background.
Cramer Krampus: While these big monsters fight, what do you think Rat is thinking?
Bart Frost: He’s probably thinking about a way out of this cage!
Harry grabs Jesse by the hair but eats a huge uppercut that stagger’s Harry. Jesse throws another that finds its mark. Harry staggers back again. Jesse hooks Harry up into a suplex position.
Cramer Krampus: Could the murder lizard be thinking about the Jester Plex to Hardcore Harry?
Bart Frost: I think he was, but Harry hooks the leg and blocks the lift.
Jesse tried to lift again but Harry blocks it again. Harry lands hard blows to the rib cage of Jesse and drives the big lizard back into the turnbuckle. Harry cracks him with a right hand that stuns Jesse long enough for Harry to find a steel chair. Harry turns around and nearly dodged a running big boot from Jesse who exploded from the corner. Jesse hits the breaks and turns around but side steps a steel chair shot from Harry. Meanwhile, Rat is in position from behind. He’s ready to strike when suddenly Kanyon and EC put a stop to Rats shady plans.
Bart Frost: Well that wasn’t very fair!
Cramer Krampus: You know Rat was going to do something similar. Besides all is fair inside wargames! And the countdown for the next entrant is almost over. It’s from Team Awesome Presents. Who will it be?
Bart Frost: If it’s Blobby, this thing is over already.
Fans: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: From DETROIT, MICHIGAN! Weighing in tonight at two hundred and thirty two pounds, Representing Team Awesome Present… The Face of the Franchise; STTTTTEVE AWESOME!
♬ “REGRETS IVE HAD MINE!”♬
Full of Regrets by Danko Jones is playing as Steve Awesome comes strutting down to the ring. He steps onto the stairs and sees Jesse and Harry still slugging it out. He sees Noel still down and Rat still feeling the effects of that double low blow. He takes a deep breath and looks at the referee.
Steve Awesome: I’m not going in there bro!
Instead of going into the wargames match, Steve walks around and sits at commentary.
Steve Awesome: What’s going on yall. I’ve decided that I’m just going to do commentary instead.
Bart Frost: That’s cool with me.
Cramer Krampus: You do know that this match can’t end until you get inside the match.
Steve Awesome: Hey man, I’m gonna get in there eventually. Just, you know, not right now.
Bart Frost: And that’s totally fair.
Cramer Krampus: Don’t you want to help your team.
Steve Awesome: I will, eventually.
Dylan and PRICE pull themselves up from the mat. Rat and Noel bring themselves around and Kanyon and EC stand together. They all turn and see Harry and Jesse trading blows. They all run over and swarm the big men. EC and Kanyon and Noel fighting with Jesse and Rat, Dylan and Price clubbing Harry in the back. The onslaught shoves both Harry and Jesse back to back as they attempt to fight off the smaller members of the match. After a few moments Jesse and Harry both burst out and send everybody flying. Jesse uppercuts EC, and Harry decks Rat in the eye and then the two big men go back to fighting.
Cramer Krampus: Can nobody stop the carnage that is Jesse Jamester and Hardcore Harry!?
Steve Awesome: And now you understand why I don’t want to go in there.
Bart Frost: No offense, but you’ll have to go in eventually. Your teammates need you.
Steve Awesome: I’ll get in when I’m good and ready.
Noel bangs on the cage wall and stares at Steve. Yelling at him to go in there and help but before Steve could even reply, Hardcore Harry grabs Noel by the face and just bail tosses Noel over the ropes and into the other ring! Hardcore Harry slowly follows him.
Cramer Krampus: You got one teammate in a lot of danger with Hardcore Harry stalking him.
Steve Awesome: Noel will be alright.
Bart Frost: Harry has a hand wrapped around Noel’s neck!
Noel tries to fight back but Harry lifts him up for a chokeslam! But then Harry runs toward the cage wall and just tosses Noel against the wall! Noel slides down back first and crumples between the wall and ropes. PRICE meets Harry next. PRICE breaks a whole kendo stick over his back and Harry tenses up from the stinging pain. PRICE nails Harry with a couple forearms but Harry headbutts PRICE and bashes his head off the cage wall. Meanwhile, Rat Bastard is shaking the cage and yelling at Steve to come in there and help.
Cramer Krampus: And now your actual tag team partner, Rat Bastard, is telling you to get in the ring and fight.
Steve Awesome: Look, I totally will. This is all part of my strategy.
Cramer Krampus: And what strategy would that be?
Steve Awesome: The “ Try not to get brutally maimed” strategy. Rat and I talked about it before the match.
Bart Frost: That’s a good strategy.
As Rat bangs on the cage he doesn’t realize Jesse Jamester running up behind him and squashing Rat into the side of the cage.
Cramer Krampus: Ooof. Your so-called strategy is leaving your partners to be the ones who are brutally maimed.
Steve Awesome: They’ll be alright.
Bart Frost: What a great leader.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: From Belgrade, Serbia! Weighing in at two hundred forty two pounds. Representing Team Kanyon. He is the XHF X*Crown Champion! The FINAL BOSS! ZORAN SAINOVIC!
“Big Bad Wolf” hits the P.A and the XCrown champion starts making his way to the ring for war. Zoran already has his god of war style chain blades.
Cramer Krampus: And the Final Boss makes his way to the ring. The XCrown Champion with his trademark blades.
Bart Frost: That is your mortal enemy there Steve, don’t you want to get in there and mess him up!?
They all watch as Zoran stands on the ring steps and wraps each fist with the chain and then gripping each blade in his chain wrapped hands.
Steve Awesome: I mean…yeahhh! Trust me, if I were in that cage right now, I’d be the first person ready to kick his ass. It’s lucky for Zoran that I’m not.
Cramer Krampus: Right.
Bart Frost: That makes perfect sense to me, Kramer.
Zoran steps into the ring and the door closes behind him. Rat Bastard comes running up on Zoran. Rat nails a couple right hands on the XCrown champion but Zoran blocks the third and decks Rat with his chain wrapped hands. Rat hits the mat. PRICE comes running in with a chair but Zoran dodges the swing and hooks the flat of his blade between PRICE’s legs and hits him with a side suplex. As Zoran is getting back to his feet, Noel Edmunds starts getting back to his feet, but Zoran quickly lets a blade fly from his hand and the blade gets lodged in the fence link INCHES from Noel’s head. Noel instinctively sits back down where he was.
Noel Edmunds: On second thought, I’m good right here.
Cramer Krampus: HOLY HELL! I thought we had a decapitation on our hands.
Bart Frost: Don’t worry, the night is still young.
Zoran doesn’t have much time to retrieve his blade because PRICE is right back on him with blows to the back of the head. Zoran staggers forward and PRICE continues his assault on the XCrown champion. Zoran turns around to swing with his other fist still wrapped in chain and Price side steps it. PRICE swings back with a big haymaker of his own and Zoran blocks it. Only to find out, PRICE had on a pair of brass knuckles.
Zoran Sainovic: Brass knuckles? I like ze color.
PRICE: Yeah. They come in pairs.
PRICE follows back with a punch to the sternum with his other hand that ALSO had a pair of brass knuckles. The air shoots out of Zoran’s windpipe and he doubles over. Rat Bastard is back to his feet and he runs up on Zoran and boots him in the side of the head. Rat and PRICE start to square off but Noel comes running in and nails PRICE in the back of the head with the hilt of Zoran’s chain blade! Rat fist bumps Noel and they start to walk over to the other side of the ring where Curtis, EC, and Harry have been fighting it out with Dylan and Jesse Jamester.
Steve Awesome: YEAH! That’s my boys! Knocking people out!
Cramer Krampus: And they are doing it while being down one man.
Bart Frost: Everyone knows when Blobby gets in there he is going to even up the score.
Cramer Krampus: I was talking about Steve!
Steve Awesome: Hey this is all part of my plan. When I do finally get in the match, I’m going to be the freshest and take advantage of all the hurt bodies.
Jesse and Dylan stand on one side and Kanyon, El Combatiente and Hardcore Harry are on the other. They all go running into each other with fists flying everywhere. Finally Jesse and Harry have enough, they grab EC and Dylan respectively and just toss them into the opposite sides of the cage. Kanyon comes in with a lariat that staggers the Murder Lizard! Harry follows up with a big boot that drops Jesse to one knee and then Kanyon comes around again and nails Jesse with the BANG!! Jesse finally goes down! Before Kanyon and Harry can celebrate they are blindsided by Rat and Noel! Noel blasts Kanyon in the head with a steel chair and Kanyon crumples like a tower made of plastic cups. Rat nails Harry with a chair but Harry doesn’t go down. Harry glares at Rat and licks his lips. Noel steps in with a chair shot of his own that Harry just absorbs. They both frantically think of a new plan. They both start swinging their chairs and making contact with whatever they can on Harry and eventually he falls down. Noel and Rat throw the chairs down and take a breather.
Steve Awesome: Weeellllp that’s my cue.
Cramer Krampus: Of course you want to go in when all the other team members are down.
Steve Awesome: I mean…yeah duh…
Bart Frost: Plan executed perfectly, Steve.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: HAILING FROM BELFAST, IRELAND! Weighing in at two hundred twenty pounds….Representing the Pillars of Violence….The GOD OF XTREME!! SPIKE KANE!!!!
♬ "GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW! DOWN!" ♬
Spike Kane walks through the curtain, rolling his wrists, hand in hand as he heads towards the ring with a single focus. Spike was about to get inside the cage when he noticed Steve Awesome sitting at commentary.
Cramer Krampus: It looks like Spike is looking at you.
Bart Frost: I think he is saying…”get in this ring, you pussy!” But I’m not sure.
Steve Awesome: Spike isn’t the boss of me. And we all know he won’t come over here and say that.
Spike starts walking away from the ring entrance and over toward the commentary booth.
Bart Frost: He’s coming over here, Steve.
Steve Awesome: Spike isn’t going to walk allll the way over here.
Spike walks passed the other turnbuckle.
Steve Awesome: He’s not gonna walk up to the commentary table.
Spike walks right up to the commentary table.
Steve Awesome: He’s not gonna…ACK!!!!
Spike grabs Steve by the throat and drags him out of the seat.
Steve Awesome: Ow, Spike, you're choking me!
The headset gets ripped off Steve’s head and they start brawling at ringside and they brawl right up the ramp and into the backstage area.
Cramer Krampus: Well Spike Kane has dragged Steve Awesome away from our booth.
Bart Frost: There goes the best commentary partner I’ve ever had.
Cramer Krampus: We will try and get some cameras to follow Steve and Spike but right now El Combatiente is on the top rope!
EC springboards off the middle and nails Dylan with a drop kick! PRICE drops Kanyon with a PRICECRASH. Noel and Rat are double teaming Jesse Jamester. Harry hits PRICE with a Russian leg sweep. Zoran walks up with a kendo stick and bashed Rat in the back of the neck.
Meanwhile, cameras catch up to Steve and Spike and Steve has the advantage now as they battle through the concession stands. Steve grabs Spike’s head smashes it on the counter. Steve hops over the counter of the hotdog stand and grabs two weiners and shoved them in Spikes mouth. Steve smacks Spike in the side of the head with a bottle of ketchup and then drags him over the counter and to the floor below! Steve stops behind the counter to attack Spike more and more condiments and hot dog buns go flying everywhere.
Steve Awesome: You want a pickle, I’ll give you a pickle!
Cramer Krampus: This wargames match is breaking down everywhere! We got bodies all over the prison and this thing hasn’t even started yet!
Bart Frost: We need more referees to contain all this madness! I love it!
Dylan drills a chair into the gut of EC and then hits him with a brutal belly to belly suplex. Jesse Jamester nails Noel with a big brain Buster. Rat is nailing right hands on Zoran. Kanyon and Harry are both choking PRICE with there boots in the corner.
Spike is wiping ketchup off the side of his head and kneeing Steve in the gut at the same time. Steve staggers over towards one of the old cells. Spike grabs Steve’s head and smashes it off every bar. Steve staggers off and Spike throws Steve through a doorway into another hallway.
5…4…3…2…1
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: FROM BLOBBY LAND! This is MR. BLOBBY!!!!
Blobby’s theme begins to play as the wondering being that is Blobby starts to walk down the ramp and get in the ring.
Bart Frost: Oh yeah! This is what we’ve been waiting for! Once Blobby gets into that ring he is going to do something super cool and even the odds!
Cramer Krampus: Blobby is a wild card competitor to say the least.
Blobby goes to step into the ring. Everyone has stopped fighting to look at the pink creature. Blobby does a couple of stretches and then steps inside. Then immediately trips, shockmaster style! Everyone shrugs and just goes back to fighting as Blobby struggles to get up.
Meanwhile, Spike tosses Steve down the ramp and they start fighting on the outside again.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: The match has officially begun! First to get a pinfall or submission will win the match for their team!
With that we see Dylan Black and PRICE go after Kanyon and EC. Spike Kane is on the outside with Steve Awesome, fighting it up the stairwell to the fan section. Guards and XHF bodyguards are on hand, pushing fans back and locking them in cells to avoid the insurance Mongo can’t pay if a civilian hurts. Zoran spins Dylan around to help Kanyon, and swings with a chain wrapped around his fist! Dylan ducks! Kanyon gets a fist full of chain to the face!
Bart Frost: NO! He didn’t mean to do it but Zoran’s eyes are as big as an owl!
Cramer Krampus: Did he though? Looked intentional to me.
Stirring the pot was Krampus’s favorite thing to do, and while Zoran looked to regret the action, Kanyon was laid out and bleeding due to it. Suddenly a noise is heard from above as the cameras cut to Steve Awesome and Spike Kane on the third level now. Machine gears letting chains move up and down show the scaffolding that was used by XHF staff to hang the weapons from the wargames roof. The scaffolding is a giant rectangle that lowers down slowly, as we see Spike Kane drive Steve’s head into a button that initiates the drop of the scaffolding. Steve kicks Spike in the gut and takes to the ledge.
Bart Frost: Is he going to jump!?
Steve leaps onto the Scaffolding just as it lowers below him, and Spike jumps off behind him tackling Steve in the process. The two trade blows as they roll around on the lowering scaffolding structure, which shakes due to their weight. Inside the rings, Hardcore Harry is coming to aid Kanyon after seeing Zoran take out his own team member on accident. Harry steps over the top rope, clubbing Mr Blobby first, before grabbing the next top rope and stepping over it.
Cramer Krampus: The big man comes for revenge!
Grabbing Zoran by the neck, Hardcore Harry lifts him up off the canvas like a rag doll as Zoran pleads he didn’t mean it! Zoran grabs the shirt as he is lifted up, and it rips to reveal a ‘Pillars of Violence’ shirt!
Bart Frost: THE BETRAYAL! Hardcore Harry is working for the Pillars of Violence!
Cramer Krampus: Didn’t see that coming.
Zoran’s eyes grow big as he’s about to get choke slammed and Jesse Jamester spins Harry around to see the shirt and hesitates, taken back by it. Zoran grabs the shirt on his back as Jesse grabs the shirt from the front, and the both of them rip it from each side to reveal a ‘Steve Awesome shirt!’
Cramer Krampus: This is layers of deceit by Harold Campbell.
Bart Frost: Steve must have paid him well!
Harry instead elbows Zoran and grabs Jesse by the throat before clotheslining him over the ropes into the middle of the ring area, where he rolls into ring one. The door is open still, as Mr Blobby crawls towards it. Zoran yelling at Harry that he betrayed them, and suddenly, Noel Edmunds comes off the top rope with a barbed wire wrapped chair - getting hammer fisted as Harry hits the chair back into his face and flips the momentum of Noel to the canvas. Harry rips off the Steve Awesome shirt and reveals ‘Team Hermanos BANG! Bros’ shirt! Zoran smiles a big pearly white tooth smile, seeing Harry shrug as he points to get Kanyong up in the corner and help him.
Bart Frost: What in the hell did we just witness?
Cramer Krampus: You know those gifts where you open one to find another? Something like that just happened. Harry just scared the Christmas spirit out of this whole ring.
Zoran lifts Kanyon in the corner as we see Mr Blobby climbing the cage wall to get a weapon. The door is closed suddenly by El Combatiente. EC sees Blobby and asks for a weapon in spanish, to which Blobby shrugs and tosses him five bucks, which El Combatiente looks at like “What good is this?” and Blobby yells down
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY!
Zoran rips Blobby from the cage with his hooks and tosses him to the canvas! A staple gun hits the mat that Blobby had in his hand. EC grabs it and staples the five dollar bill to Zoran’s back as he starts putting staples in the former X*Crown Champions back! Zoran turns to Kanyon to help him up when all of a sudden Kanyon shoves Zoran and points to his bloody forehead. Zoran is shoved backwards and bumps into Harry, who turns around and swings, but Zoran ducks and Harry hits Kanyon!
Cramer Krampus: Wrecking the former President with a haymaker is Harry!
Bart Frost: Curtis is not having the best of times with his team is he? Or the BANG Bros.
Spike Kane and Steve are fighting on the cage now, as the scaffolding has finally stopped at the roof cage top, making a rectangle of walk way around the wargames structure. The two are trading blows, as Steve yells at Spike.
Steve Awesome: We were brothers once!
Spike Kane: And your ego ruined it!
Punch to the jaw by Spike and Steve staggers on the edge! Spike Kane stops with a handful of Steve’s hair as his fist is balled up.
Spike Kane: Why did you betray brother? WHY!?
Steve looks at him without saying a word.
Bart Frost: WHAT THE HELL!
Inside the cage, Jesse Jamester is seen kicking El Combatiente in the leg before sending him to Dylan Black for a DDT! Dylan gets up and goes to give the Murder Lizard a high five. Jesse returns one, but doesn’t let go. Dylan looks at him like what is going on? And then is scooped up and thrown like a dart through the steel cage door, falling on the steel steps and rolling to the outside. The cage shakes from the door breaking off and Steve and Spike are shifted as the scaffolding begins to break on their end, both chains drop from the ceiling and their scaffolding drops to the floor, both men crashing on top of it.
Cramer Krampus: The Murder Lizard just betrayed Dylan Black and the Pillars of Violence!
Bart Frost: But why?!
Stepping through the ropes after seeing the scaffolding fall on the other side of the wargames structure, Jesse steps out of the cage and walks over Dylan Black, pausing to look down at him and spit on him.
Jesse Jamester: Your time is over. The Scourge has spoken.
Leaving the Wargames match does the Murder Lizard, exiting the prison area and disappearing.
Bart Frost: This isn’t like the Murder Lizard!
Cramer Krampus: Is it though? He use to be friends with Eric Dane. I wouldn’t put anything past that slippery lizard.
Inside the ring Kanyon and El Combatiente make their way out of the cage to check on Steve Awesome and Spike Kane. The rubble of the scaffolding was laying everywhere on the far left side of the wargames structure. If someone was alive, it was a Christmas miracle.
Above coming down on one of the other chains is Rat Bastard. A pair of chain cutters in hand.
Bart Frost: So it wasn’t Jesse’s move to Dylan but Rat that caused the scaffolding to crash! Why though? He hurt his own team member!
the commotion for the BANG! Bros trying to help their fallen brothers in the debris outside the ring is loud. Kanyon and EC both dig through the rubble trying to find any sign of Steve or Spike. They move a few things and find Spike. He coughs and groans and the first thing that comes to his mind is.
Spike Kane: Where is Steve?
They all dig and dig and they finally find a beat up Steve in the rubble. Steve groans and clears his throat and asks about Spike.
Steve and Spike hug. After that big fall they both realized that this has all gone too far. Kanyon and EC join in on the hug and completely agree.
Curtis Kanyon: I’m sorry I love you guys!
Spike Kane: I love you guys too!
Steve Awesome: I’m sorry I’m an idiot! I love you guys!
El Combatiente: I love you guys!
Curtis Kanyon: Let’s never fight and have another civil wargames again!
Spike Kane: Unless they ask us too.
Steve Awesome: BECAUSE THESE PAYCHECKS ARE FAT!!!
All four men cry and hug in the rubble.
Inside the ring, Zoran and Noel Edmunds are at one another. The Crinkly Bottom Boy gets whipped into the ropes before hitting a reverse STO facebuster on Noel! Harry grabs Blobby and chokes him while the rest of the people are either outside the cage or down.
Bart Frost: THE REVOLVER!
Cramer Krampus: Who has a gun!?
Bart Frost: That’s his finishing move.
Zoran goes for the cover on Noel Edmunds.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The bell sounds and everyone looks around that isn’t involved. Harry hits his Homewrecker on Blobby and sees Zoran rise with his hands in the air.
Retired Reindeer Keeper Yahk: Winners of this Oh Violent Night Civil Wargames match – ZORAN SAINOVIC, HARDCORE HARRY, CURTIS KANYON, and EL COMBATIENTE!
Cramer Krampus: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!! TEAM KANYON WON CIVIL WARGAMES!
Bart Frost: After a bloody brutal battle Kanyon, EC, Hardcore Harry and the XCrown Champion, Zoran Sainovic came out on top!
Despite team Kanyon winning the match, The Bang Bros are all celebrating with each other and hugging on the outside of the ring following Kanyon and El Combatiente getting Spike and Steve out of the rubble.
Spike Kane: YOU DID IT BRO!
Steve Awesome: CONGRATULATIONS!
Some of the other members of the teams are looking at all their “captains” praising each other, and they seem confused. They all fought a war and now the Bang Bros are friends again!? They don’t really have a chance to say anything about it as Dylan’s Arm suddenly scrambles onto the stage of Oh Violent Night.
Cramer Krampus: What in the hell is that thing doing here?
Bart Frost: I have no idea. What do I look like? A metal prosthetic arm keeper?
Steve Awesome looks up at the arm sitting on the stage and points and smiles.
Steve Awesome: Yo Dylan! I figured out where I lost your arm all those months ago. Right here….on the stage of Oh Violent Night 3?
Steve slowly starts to realize how strange that sounds but before he could work it out he’s sucker punched by another metal arm. Steve hits the mat and suddenly the ring is swarmed with thousands of Metal arms! Each one is completely identical to Dylan Black's arm!
Cramer Krampus: What in the hell is going on here! Those arms are swarming the ring! They got everyone from every team completely held down!
Bart Frost: It’s some kind of arm invasion! Ahhh the arms are coming for us too!!!
Cramer Krampus: NO! ACK!
Everyone struggles and fights to get free but nobody can muster the strength. A terrible dark laughter radiates throughout the arena.
“MUAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!”
It’s loud and it echoes and then the Violence Tron 5000 comes to life to show some kind of snowy tundra and one lone dilapidated shack in the middle of nowhere.
A large hand picks up the camera and points it at his terrible face.
“HEEEEEEEEERRRRRES DRAGGY!”
The entire crowd gasps in shock and fright as BIG DRAG appears on the screen! His hideous smile and evil eyes look double intense on the big screen.
Big Drag: Hello Bang Bros! I hope my army of arms keeps you as uncomfortable as possible as we welcome you all to my world!
The arena suddenly disappears and our heroes find themselves AT the dilapidated shack with Drag! Every member of all the teams are still completely held down by hundreds of metal arms. Drag walks over to a small haphazardly constructed contraption about the size of a porta-potty.
Big Drag: While you idiots were bickering, I was building this machine with things that Dylan Black's arm stole for me. And now my latest invention has finally been completed!
Drag proudly displays the makeshift invention next to him.
Big Drag: My METAL ARM CLONING MACHINE! MUAH HA HA! You think those arms holding you down is a lot! This machine will create MILLIONS of metal arms at my command! I will take my UNSTOPPABLE ARMY OF ARMS and I will take over Champoon Wrestling, THE XHF NETWORK, and then the world! MUAH HA HA HA! And if you try to stop me, I have the entire undercard captured. I will have them all destroyed if you even make a move against me!”
Our heroes glance at each other and do their best to shrug.
Steve Awesome: We uhhh, we don’t really care about that!
Spike Kane: Yeah, as soon as we can get up we will stop you and your plans!
Noel Edmunds: I wouldn’t even miss any of them to be honest. Would you Blobby?
Blobby: Blobby!
Hardcore Harry: I’ve been away so long I don’t even know who any of them are!
Drag looks a little frustrated and stomps his foot in the snow.
Drag: Ugh fine! I think I got that raccoon and that turtle held hostage somewhere…
Spike Kane: Dax and Tomo!?
Drag points at Spike and nods.
Drag: Yeah that’s them. I could kill them or something?
Spike yells and tries to struggle to break free, but the arms grip is too tight.
Spike Kane: YOU SON OF A BITCH! You will not touch them!
The other team members look at each other in shock!
PRICE: Dax and Tomo are Spikes boys!
Curtis Kanyon: We gotta do something about this!
Dylan Black: No shit, but what can we do when we’re all trapped like Rats!?
Dylan looks over at Rat Bastard.
Dylan Black: No offense.
Drag: You foolish idiots! You are all trapped. There is nothing you can do to stop me anyway.
Zoran Sainovic: Drag, you are forgetting vun very important thing..”
Drag laughs.
Drag: And what’s that? I have an ARMY OF ARMS!
Zoran glares right through the arrogance of Drag!
Zoran Sainovic: Veh have a Dino Bones!
All of a sudden Dino Bones leaps in from out of nowhere with a mighty roar!
Dino Bones: A METAL SMORGASBORD JUST FOR ME!
Dino Bones starts gobbling up any arm that comes near his mouth as he runs right through a swarm!
Dino Bones: I HOPE THESE ARMS DO NOT COUNT AS PORK!
Dino Bones goes on an eating spree, munching twenty arms a minute! It was more than enough of a distraction that the other arms stopped holding down the teams to go tend to the raving Dino.
Drag: GRRRRT!!
Drag sees this huge kink in his plan and runs over to his machine and turns on the power! Four lights turn on, and this sketchy machine starts pumping out metal arms every couple of seconds! Each one runs out and instantly joins the fight!
Our Heroes have managed to break free of the remaining arms that were left to hold them. They all get up and the former president of the world Curtis Kanyon looks at everyone.
Curtis Kanyon: Tonight….most of us arrived to fight as enemies. But right now, it looks like we have to fight together to stop Drag.
Spike Kane: And save Dax and Tomo.
El Combatiente: And the world.
Everyone turns nods and turns to look at Drag, his machine and the oncoming swarm of Arm clones.
Curtis Kanyon: BANG BROS!…..
A panning shot of everyone ready to fuck shit up. Clenched fists, gritted teeth, Steve slowly slides off his shades, Blobby yells his name and PRICE is flicking a lighter with a mad glare in his eyes. Harry stands still like an eerie wild card. Spike pounds his chest. EC hits a fighting pose. Dylan Black stands ready to fight with his one good arm. Zoran pops out some blades. Rat chews on a toothpick, glaring down the enemy. Dino Bones let’s out a mighty roar. Kanyon just nods.
Curtis Kanyon: ASSEMBLE!
Steve looks at Curtis.
Steve Awesome: We’re all already here though….
Kanyon sighs.
Curtis Kanyon: Just go fight.
Steve Awesome: Oh right…YEAHHHHHHHHH!
Steve runs into the fray and everyone runs with him!
youtu.be/O6qHo4RFiLQ
The extended Bang Bro team runs in and starts wreaking havoc on the army of arms! Wave after wave our heroes slash and bash through them all.
Zoran Sainovic, armed with two blades in both hands is having the time of his life slicing and dicing his way through metal arm hordes. He’s slices through one and then another.
Zoran Sainovic: Weeeee, I feel like a kid in ze candy store!
Zoran slashes right through a couple more. PRICE comes sauntering into a swarm looking bloody and deranged and holding a gas can!
{Eddie gas can gif}
Price starts kicking away arms and dousing others and the ground with gasoline! Then he tosses his lighter and a whole swarm goes up in flames! PRICE watches in complete satisfaction.
Noel Edmunds darts around the fire and he comes face to face with a crowd of arms. One of them punches Noel in the butt! Noel turns around and comes after that one.
Noel Edmunds: Hey what’s the big idea!?
Another arm clonks him on the head. Noel spins around to face his foe only to get clonked on the head by a second head.
Noel Edmunds: Couple of wise arms eh?
Noel takes a swing but misses and a third arm slaps him in the face and a fourth pokes him in the eyes. Noel rubs his face in frustration.
Noel Edmunds: wooop wooop wooop
The arms continue to slap and clonk and eye poke Noel in a very tortuous three stooges loop. Finally someone comes to save the day.
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
That’s when Mr. Blobby started to inflate himself!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!!
Blobby is now three times his size! He scoops up Noel and starts stomping through massive hoards of arms with no problems at all! Nearby all of this, we see another group of arms but they are running away!
We find that HARDCORE HARRY is chasing them all and one of the arms is desperately trying to wriggle out of Harry’s pants.
Hardcore Harry: You aren’t going anywhere, strange new hand and fingers.
As Harry stomps off you could swear you heard the arm clone crying for help.
Mr. Blobby is stomping through the chaos and as he does so he runs into Dino Bones who has been eating every arm he sees.
Mr. Blobby and Dino Bones stare each other down.
Noel braces himself for the worst. Silently wondering what each are thinking.
Dino Bones Thoughts: IS THIS FRIEND OR FOOD? WHAT IS THIS BUBBLEGUM CREATURE!?
Mr. Blobby Thoughts: BLOBBY!
Dino Bones Thoughts: THESE LITTLE METAL SAUSAGES ARE DELECTABLE. I WILL EAT THIS STRANGE PINK MEDIUM RARE CREATURE AT ANOTHER TIME!
Dino and Blobby both nod and they join forces and start whipping a lot of arm!
We find Big Drag watching all the action unfold and not enjoying it all.
Big Drag: GRAHHHH! How are these idiots winning!? Time to turn up the volume!
Drag runs to the cloning device and turns a dial. The clones start coming out even more rapidly than before.
Big Drag: Muah ha ha, let’s see how they like that!
Nearby we find Steve Awesome Jack sparrow running through the chaos. He sees a swarm of arms coming right at him and he nails it with the thigh slapper super kick! The arm swarm explodes into shrapnel.
Steve Awesome: I guess when it comes to war, it’s much better to be “thighed” then armed.
Steve laughed to himself and looked real proud of his joke but then got punched in the face by another swarm of arms!
Nearby Dylan Black saw the entire thing.
Dylan Black: Fuckin THANK YOU! God I hate Steve! GAH!
Dylan gets blindsided by another giant swarm that lifts him off the ground and collides him into the dilapidated shack! Wood and splinters go flying everywhere and Dylan goes out. Drag is hiding by his invention and watches the shack get destroyed.
Drag: Awh man that was my house! Dylan Black will pay for that and everything else he’s done to me!
Spike comes to his Pillars partner's aid! Spike gets through a couple but a bigger swarm comes running in and roughs him up and sends him tumbling across the ground.
Curtis Kanyon is fighting arms as best he could but pretty soon he’s overwhelmed by a huge swarm. The arms punch and slap and chop and Curtis goes tumbling over to wear Spike was laying.
El Combatiente tried his best to counter what the arms were throwing at him but it was just too many. Soon the great cruiserweight was overwhelmed and sent tumbling across the ground over to where Spike and Curtis were laying, feeling the pain of war.
Spike holds his arm as he speaks.
Spike Kane: Someone wanna tell Drag that, we are the good guys? Owww.
Kanyon looks around the war zone. He can see the other members of the team getting overwhelmed and pulled down to the ground and trapped by an obscene amount of arm clones. It almost looked like everyone was sinking into quicksand, only it was metal arms.
Curtis Kanyon: This isn’t going very well but we’re not beat yet. We can do this!
All of a sudden Steve comes flying through the air!
Steve Awesome: GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Steve crashes into the ground and tumbled over to the rest of the bros.
Steve Awesome: oh god my body! You guys, they are too strong. We need to bail.
EC shakes his head.
El Combatiente: No sé cómo salir de aquí incluso si huir fuera una opción.
( I don’t know how to get out of here even if running away was an option. )
Spike nods his head.
Spike Kane: EC is right. Even if I did know how to leave this hell hole, we can’t leave without Dax and Tomo.
Curtis Kanyon: I know these guys are tough. But we can’t give up. The world is at stake here. I refuse to be the former president of Big Drags United States. We just need a plan….”
Steve Awesome: Well alright….but you better come up with one quick.
Steve noticed that they were completely surrounded by arms and they were slowly closing in. Just then, the TRONS zapped in.
Saber-Tron: BANG BROS! You are not doing so good in this war!
Steve Awesome: Great observation, Dome Head! You come here to tell us that!?
Shogun-Tron: Really? You want to insult us when you should have listened to us in the first place.
Nano-Tron: Told ya so. Insurmountable evil ring a bell?
Mini-Tron: And evil to big to overcome!!
Spike shakes his head.
Spike Kane: They really came here to rub our death in our faces.
Saber shrugs his shoulders.
Saber-Tron: We did a little…but we also came to give you the last bit of information that we were given from THE FUTURE!
Shogun-Tron: There are four power sources nearby here that help power Big Drags cloning machine. If they can all be shut off, then he won’t be able to power his machine any more.
Curtis Kanyon: That’s great! Do you know where they are?
Saber-Tron: No. But we figured you guys could like, try and look for them or something….
Curtis sighs and his shoulders slump.
Curtis Kanyon: Do you have a clue or something? An idea where to start looking?
Saber-Tron: Uhhh around here somewhere?
Shogun-Tron: We will distract these arms while you guys each look for a power shack.
The Bros look at each other and shrug.
Curtis Kanyon: I guess it's the only way.
Spike Kane: How hard can it be?
Saber-Tron: Great. By the way, you only have twenty minutes before it becomes too insurmountable and Drag takes over the world.
Spike Kane: I had to say something….
The trons strat battling with the arm hoard as the bros run off. They didn’t look behind them, so they didn’t see the Trons get quickly overwhelmed and drown in a dark sea of metal arms.
Kanyon found a power source after he crossed a moat! He flipped the switch.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
El Combatiente had to solve three riddles and finally he was in front of the switch. He flipped it immediately.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
Spike Kane had to battle a dark knight. It took some brain and some brawn but Spike dispatched his enemy and flipped the switch he was guarding.
Ka-Choooo!
He could hear the sound of the power cutting and he quickly ran back.
Steve Awesome found the fourth power supply pretty easily. It wasn’t guarded or anything. Steve was about to walk up and flip the switch when Rat Bastard seemingly creeped out from the shadows.
Rat Bastard: Hey buddy.
Steve jumped a little.
Steve Awesome: HOLY SHIT! You almost gave me a heart attack.
Rat Bastard: Oh, sorry about that, pal. Whatcha up too friend?
Steve starts walking toward the switch.
Steve Awesome: Oh nothing big. Just gonna flip this switch over here and save the world and stuff with the Bang Bros.
Rat nods his head.
Rat Bastard: Right. About that….”
Rat reaches out, spins Steve around and kicks him in the dick five times before Steve drops to his knees. His face is a contorted mess of shear pain and utter confusion.
Steve Awesome: …why..
Steve could barely choke out the words as he gasped for air and held his groin. Rat Bastard paced back and forth.
Rat Bastard: After everything? After all they said, all they did, who was the one that had your back? Who was the one that was a true friend? I stuck by you even when the Bros were ready to leave you behind and go on without you……
Rat finds a nearby broken leg of a table and picks it up and looks at it.
Rat Bastard: After everything, you want to pick them?
Rat shakes his head and sighs.
Rat Bastard: Wrong choice, friend…”
Rat bashes the table leg across Steve’s head and he collapses to the ground unconscious a pool of blood forming around his head. Rat tosses the table leg to the ground and lights up a cigarette. Rat glances over at the switch that he could easily flip but he shrugs and walks away.
Rat Bastard: Fuck’em…
Curtis, Spike and El Combatiente come back to the main area to find that only one more power source is still on and running power to the machine.
Curtis Kanyon: What!? There is still a source still on? We don’t have much time!
Spike Kane: Where is Steve?
El Combatiente: ¿Quizás aún no ha encontrado el suyo?
(Maybe he hasn’t found his yet?”)
Big Drag walks up, laughing maniacally.
Big Drag: Good try, Bang Bores. But even with one of my power supplies, I can still create enough clones to complete my master plan of world domination. And now you have nothing left to save you.
Spike, EC and Curtis look around to see them become surrounded by Drags army of arms. Drag stands next to his machine and laughs. Though with one power source the machine struggled to maintain operation.
Big Drag: There is nothing you can do now. You have failed. I have won! This will soon become the Drag network…..maybe I’ll think of a different name to avoid confusion, but you all get the idea….MUAH HA HA HA HA!
Suddenly Dylan Black the hero of Champoon pops up.
Dylan Black: Hey Drag….how about you just shut the hell up?
Drag: DYLAN BLACK! My mortal enemy! Not even you can stop this moment now. What can you do?”
Dylan steps forward and sticks out his armless stub and he stands there.
Drag: What is this? What are you doing?
Dylan continues to hold out his stub as wind starts to pick up behind him.
Drag: Stop wasting my time….“
All of a sudden DYLANS TRUE ARM COMES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND CONNECTS ONTO HIM.
Drag: Ohh….
Dylan stands there with two arms for the first time in a whole year. He was complete again! He kisses the arm.
Dylan Black: Good to have you back, baby.
Dylan looks up at Drag and runs up starts laying lightning fast right and left hands into the face and midsection of Drag. Drag tries to protect himself but Dylan is consistently hitting him where Drag isn’t blocking. Dylan follows up his robotic barrage with a huge haymaker that staggers Drag back into his own machine. Drag frantically makes sure it doesn’t fall over as it sputters and sparks.
Drag turns around and gets nails by a huge Superman punch from Dylan’s robotic arm and Drag staggers back and falls into the cloning machine! The machine falls over with Drag inside it and it starts to spew electricity and flames.
Machine: OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD!
Every arm in the army of arms collapses wear it stood, except for Dylan’s own personal arm. It felt right at home being attached to its own personal stump again. Everyone was finally able to break out of the arms clutches and they looked around confused, wondering what’s been happening. The trons, now free of their own arm prison, come running up to the group.
Saber-Tron: We did it! We stopped the evil!
Shogun-Tron: We saved THE FUTURE!
All of a sudden the giant contraption started to rumble and shake. The electrical current got stronger and more flames seemed to spew from the machine.
Curtis Kanyon: That machine is going to blow! We have to get out of here!
Saber-Tron: We can get us home! Follow us!
Spike Kane: I gotta get my friends!
The trons, The Bang Bros and every other character that allowed me to put them through all these shenanigans go running as the machine gets even more volatile.
Machine: OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. SELF DESTRUCT ACTIVATED.
A few feet away, Nano-Tron creates a small portal big enough for everyone to jump through. Noel and Blobby step up.
Nano-Tron: Just step through carefully and-
Noel Edmunds: This is not the first portal I’ve stepped through thank you very much. Come on Blobby.
Mr. Blobby: BLOBBY!!
The Crinkly Bottom Boys step through the portal. Dylan Black hops through. PRICE stops and looks at everyone.
PRICE: Can’t say there is a better way to go out then something like this.
PRICE goes to step through but comes back.
PRICE: I still blame Steve for everything.
PRICE hops through the portal.
Spike comes walking up with Dax and Tomo. Scolding them both for getting into trouble.
Spike Kane: All this over a damn pipe you had me worried sick!!
Dax: We’re sorry Spike…
Spike Kane: Get in the portal you guys!
Dax and Tomo hang there heads in shame and hop into the portal.
Hardcore Harry walks up to the portal.
Hardcore Harry: Next time you drag me out of retirement for a stupid war against a body part…..
Harry glares at them.
Hardcore Harry: At least make boobs or feet or something.
Harry stepped through the portal. Rat Bastard walked up next. The bros stopped him.
Spike Kane: Hey Rat, have you seen Steve?
Curtis Kanyon: He still hasn’t shown up.
Rat just shrugs his shoulders.
Rat Bastard: No, I haven't seen him at all. I thought he was with you guys.
Rat smiles innocently and then hops through the portal. Zoran walks up and tries to comfort the bros.
Zoran Sainovic: I’m sure you bill find Steve. Or maybe he is dead? You never know.
Zoran pats Spike and Kanyon on the shoulder and then hops through the portal.
Saber-Tron: Okay, come on guys let’s go.
Curtis Kanyon: No we can’t leave without Steve.
Spike Kane: We need more time, we have to look for him.
Machine: SELF DESTRUCTION IMMINENT.
Shogun-Tron: We don’t have any time. We have to go now!
Spike, EC and Kanyon remained stubborn. They refused to leave until Steve was able to leave with them.
Saber-Tron: Come on now!
The trons yank Spike, EC and Kanyon through the portal and it closes just as the machine bursts into a huge explosion! Destroying damn near everything in its path.
Big Drags hand shoots through the firey wreckage….but it quickly collapses.
[Fade.]
Cramer Krampus: HELLO!? Can you hear us?
Bart Frost: I think we’re back on. We uhhh, we are not sure what all just happened.
Cramer Krampus: A lot to unpack there.
Bart Frost: Too much.
Cramer Krampus: Good night everybody.
Bart Frost: Thanks for watching.
Credits
Opening video created by Vastrix
Texas Death Match written by Vastrix
Submission match written by Donzig
Last Man Standing Match written by Donzig
Main Event written by Jesse Jamester and Steve Awesome
Thank you to everyone who chipped in and participated in this event. It was a labor of love and we appreciate you!