Some Assembly Required [ZS NYE SPECIAL 01]

[mosler]

Christmas Eve.

The Civil War has ended.

A redeye to Atlanta, and there are still a few hours of night left for Santa Claus to fully assemble Oliver’s train set before the waking hours of the holiday. Setting up these toys is never easy, but doing them in Kris Kringle mode is the worst. See old Saint Nick doesn’t just drop a box down the chimney, the magic of the season demands that the gift be ready for play. You can’t start early – or the child will find it. If a piece is missing, there is no stores open to replace it, and you have to explain why the elves didn’t catch it at the North Pole. There is a time crunch, needing the present to appear complete before dawn – all while nervously expecting kids in search of reindeer to wake up and catch you in the act.

A paranoid Zoran Sainovic counts how many languages the instructions are in, while keeping an eye on the stairs. Were those footsteps? No. He continues.

His son was recently traumatized, so Zoran is putting that extra effort into making the most of Christmas. Even as he curses a blue streak, because it’s FUCKING impossible to build this train with one arm. Threatening the families of the tracks that are vexing him, Sainovic turns his murderous gaze to the window – spotting the camera crew.

Uh oh.  The videographer starts to creep out of the garden, when the front door opens.

Jim Smalls:

Sorry about encroaching on your personal time, Zoran, I know that was over the line – it’s just that we needed some sound clips for the New Year’s Eve defence...

Hearing it out loud, Jim is sure he’s going to get stabbed.

Zoran Sainovic:

...What do you know about trains?

With that, The Final Boss snatches the camera out of Smalls’ hands – replacing it with a set of mandarin instructions. Entering the home, the videographer kneels on the floor, while Sainovic takes the couch – holding the camcorder on himself.

Zoran Sainovic:

Focus on zat, I’ll get you ze interview.

Jim Smalls:

Tha-

Zoran Sainovic (shushing him):

You’ll wake ze boy.

Shaking his head in irritation, Sainovic frames a tight close-up, takes a calming breath – and then forces a smile.

Zoran Sainovic:

Times change. When I first arrived at ze XHF Network, ze global shows – and by extension ze X*Crown – were all completely dominated by a single affiliate. Ascension. Oh, you would see ze odd dark horse pick up a token run with ze straps to keep up appearances but on ze rare occasions ze title left Ascension, zere was always ze prevailing sense zat outsiders were just keeping it warm for ze next AWF superstar. So when I pried ze crown off Maverick’s brow – ze general consensus saw it as a grotesque fluke. I was an experiment no different from Subject 42, and wouldn’t it be a feel good moment when one of ze hometown heroes rescued ze belts from my foreign invader. It hadn’t dawned on our AWF overlords, zat ze wheel had been broken. It had. Ze AWF would never regain ze crown, eventually ceasing to exist.

We are approaching Supremacy, and ze third year anniversary of my slaying ze dragon. To actually understand ze toxic culture, we need to look a few months past zat accomplishment, to ze 2020 Rumble. In zat Rumble, ze vast majority of ze participants called ze AWF zeir home. Ze numbers were with zem. I had no qualms about ze forty to one of an interpromotional handicap match. What made ze contest incredibly awkward... I was ze defending champion – and ze AWF stars wouldn’t give me ze time of day. From Jeffrey Viper to Chris Card, none could be bothered to lower zemselves to mentioning me. Zey were completely preoccupied with zeir Ascension rivalries, like ze Network was an inconvenience, and my existence wasn’t part of zeir canon. Treating me like I was nothing. A ghost. Undermining my championship in a way zat was far more demoralizing zen zeir pathetic offence ever could be. It took two full years to come back from zat.

At ze time, however, zere was a single exception to ze wall of silence.

One Ascension star zat broke ranks, forgoing ze collective scheme to wish me out of existence.  Fairly low in ze pecking order, he had nothing to lose. Frankly a lower midcarder calling me out, no doubt played to ze AWF narrative zat I was beneath zem. Still, let us give zis hero ze benefit of ze doubt. Never underestimate Cross Recoba’s self-serving ways. Acknowledging me during zat period, against AWF interests, has to be one ze few occasions Cross broke free from licking Card’s boots. ...Like watching a triple rainbow.

Yes, at ze time Cross was brandishing ze HCW title like he one day planned to use it. Ze offer was disingenuous – but ze attention he paid me zen was still a lifeline. He would show up on ze only Syndicate show I wasn’t at – quite bold when zere are no consequences for his actions. Even without me zere, heroic Cross appeared via video uplink. He wasn’t chancing fate with an actual physical confrontation. …And ze Rumble itself? For all his bluster, Cross never actually went after me.

Still, he called me out. 

Zat kindness is why now – almost zree years later, I am defending ze X*Crown against him... even as he once again bulks at ze idea of putting ze Diamond title on ze line.

For a degenerate gambler, Cross has a hard time with ze concept of anteing up.

Zen again... he may have FAR MORE riding on zis pot zan he realizes...

Earlier in ze month, I appeared at a TAP OUT show. I was scouting potential challengers. I am a firm believer in treating a Network championship as just zat – and actively defending against competitors from other promotions. Collins. Jackalope. Merric. Poena. Diamond. ...Long. TOW has an embarrassment of talent, any of whom could have been challenging ze X*Crown on New Year’s Eve instead of zeir promoter. Why aren't zey? You don’t want to distract from ze Openweight tournament? Congratulations Cross, following ze template to ze letter, you’re well on your way to having your own Prestige title. Ze AWF belt treated as a crown equal, except its still not part of it...

But I do you a disservice, Cross. You’re not here as TOW brass; you’re planning to win zis belt for HKW, correct?

Great! How many matches have you had in Hardkore World? Up to two yet? Not zat I can see you winning ze crown and taking it to TOW, Card won’t let you. HKW got you to ze plate, but… how much loyalty do you have to ze federation you just joined, and why is zat a problem? Because like TOW, I was in HKW looking for possible challengers – Kilroy, Shiek, Dragon. And much like Tap Out, your crown title shot came at ze expense of stars zat actually represent zeir promotions.

Shaking head.

Zoran Sainovic:

As we look back at ze past year, one regret is glaring...

Rumble.  EOD.  Ze only major event I failed to achieve was Call to Arms... whose fault was zat? Not Spike Kane. Zat BANG Bro didn’t phone in his appearance and exit in ze first round against Goth – zat would be you. I believe you recently gave Syberus a hard time for doing ze EXTACT SAME GOD DAMN ZING at ze first Call to Arms. Ze only difference is, his worthless team was never going to win – but us? Boss Rush had it. You really let me down, Cross.

Zat was a disappointment.  

...But you have BIGGER debts.

Sneer.

Zoran Sainovic:

...My son was zere.

You eject me? Fine. Look big in front of ze marks... but you had him escorted out of Ze Sands too. You embarrassed me, but you bullied him.  Made him feel small.  Just like your Ascension pals did to me back in ze day.

...Honestly Cross, I don’t zink you fully comprehend how truly fucked you are...

But you will.

Zat is a promise.

“Santa?”

A voice at the top of the stairs!

Grabbing Smalls by the throat, Zoran Sainovic shoves the videographer hard out the front door.

Zoran Sainovic:

No Oliver, just me, but in case zat was a reindeer – you had better go back to sleep.

Oliver:

On it! ...Welcome home, Dad!

Zoran Sainovic:

See you in ze morning, son.

Returning to the living room, Sainovic steps on a train track. THE PAIN! This is far worse than anything the Bang Bros threw at him. Contorting in agony, Zoran limps over to the couch. No sooner does Sainovic sit down, then he notices the fully assembled train.

Things have a way of working out.