GUNS New Year's Eve Special
Jan 1, 2023 2:36:33 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom đź•·, and 4 more like this
Post by mosler on Jan 1, 2023 2:36:33 GMT -5
Las Vegas, Nevada
The camera pans past the majestic Bellagio fountains, before coming to a rest on Las Vegas Boulevard. Traffic has been shut down to accommodate a wrestling ring. In the center of the ring, however, is a large metal post – holding a mirror ball a good thirty feet above the ring. A gaudy tribute to Times Squares’ ball drop – the teasing countdown for New Year is at home with the many other landmark facsimiles of THIS city that never sleeps. An open event has attracted thousands to loiter in the street, all decked out in novelty hats, and those disgusting glasses that inform people what the calendar is changing too. The champagne flows heavily, and security has a hard time keeping the audience a safe distance from ring – which has clearly been set up with explosive devices.
Phillips: Hello fans- and welcome to a very special edition of GUNS! I’ve been joined by the ghost of Dick Clark.
Dick Clark Ghost: Great to be here T-
Magnus: You’re in my seat.
Phillips: Magnus, I didn’t expect you to show up for-
Magnus: IT’S MY COMPANY! And I wouldn’t miss Recoba taking the crown off Sainovic if my soul depended on it-
Dick Clark Ghost: It’s funny you should mention that.
Magnus: Christmas was a week ago, I have no use for the spirits of the season trying to get me to pay Wombat better for Tiny Tim Wombat’s sake.
Dick Clark Ghost: There is still time-
Magnus: For us to start the show – now get out of my seat.
Dick Clark Ghost: I’m actually a corporeal entity; we can both sit in the same-
Magnus: Fuck off, ghost.
With that Dick Clark returns to the underworld, his only crime? Expanding Ryan Seacrest’s brand.
Magnus: WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL GUNS SHOW! In which we finally put the last nail in the coffin of a man who has RUINED our federation. Sure, we had to go to an outside contractor to get the job done – but its not like we could count on Redmond Fury anyway. So thank you Hardkore World, TAP OUT, and enjoy the crown – we’ll be GUNNING for you.
Phillips: Up first we have-
Magnus: There is more than one match?
Phillips: Our former commissioner used a lot of his blank contracts and favours to put together a really impressive show.
Magnus: OUTRAGEOUS, I had New Year’s Eve plans!
Phillips: No one is forcing you to stay.
Magnus (grunt): MY COMPANY!
Phillips: We kick things off with the HERO of GUNS taking a break from his Phoenix title challenging ways, to take on the manager of the CAR Invader.
Magnus: I think we all saw how Shockmaster had Bones beat on our Boxing Day show. GUNS would have reclaimed the Phoenix from the hated CAR if not for that wily manager Stokes interfering.
Phillips: I don’t remember that happening at all-
Magnus: Well Christ Tom, it was only six days ago... but Stokes is older than dirt, and everyone knows only the teens get your attention.
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Shockmaster trips and falls INTO Stokes, breaking his hip.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
The referee checks on bone protruding from Stokes’ side, and immediately calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The official has ruled Bill Stokes unable to continue, so the winner of this match by technical knockout – THE XHF SHOCKMASTER!
Despite the ten second runtime for this potentially hot opener, the crowd cheer Shockmaster hard. A lot of casual viewers making up the crowd help this appreciation of non-wrestling, also the fact that XHF Shockermaster is the greatest hero in the history of GUNS. The merchandise sales don’t lie. A lot of audience members wear storm trooper helmets painted blue.
Magnus: Just like he put down Tinto the orphan. I tell you, any fed that wants to invade GUNS – bring it on! XHF Shockmaster has your number!
Paramedics stretcher Bill Stokes out. Unfortunately without the calming counsel of the Methuselah Cowboy – there is no one that can keep Dinosaur Bones in line. The dracolich stomps out of the back.
Phillips: The CAR Invader will have his work cut out for him with this defence.
Magnus: How did Zoran trick that poor fool into challenging?
Phillips: He offered him a wish sandwich.
Magnus: That would do it.
DING! DING! DING!
No sooner does the bell ring, then Dinosaur Bones eats HWP.
Phillips: NOT AGAIN!
Magnus: If I had to put money on a GUNS wrestler eating his opponent, I’d put it on Harsh Winter Pilgrim.
Phillips: It’s a good think Redmond Fury got everything in the divorce, that is a HORIRBLE bet.
Starr checks with referee Derrick Dandy, before announcing the verdict.
Sylvia Starr: The official has ruled that Harsh Winter Pilgrim is unable to continue – unless he gives Bones worms. So unless the hated CAR representative succumbs to scurvy in the next month, your winner of this match- DINOSAUR BONES!!!!!!
The lumbering dracolich charges out onto the strip, eating everyone in his path.
Dinosaur Bones: HAPPY ORBIT AROUND THE FIRE BALL IN THE SKY, STUPID FLESHLINGS! I SHALL CONSUME IT BEFORE THE NEXT ROTATION!
Magnus: Bringing about a new ice age, that is quite the New Year’s Resolution from our unwanted guest.
Phillips: Another GUNS star eaten alive at the tiny hands of Bones. We can only hope and pray that L.A. Wombat can avenge his wife at Supremacy.
Magnus: Is this the same Authenico that is currently sucking Jell-O through a straw in traction? Yeah, Zoran’s pal Dylan Black already ruined Wombat’s chances – the only thing that is happening at Supremacy is Tiny Tim Wombat joining Tinto at the orphanage.
Phillips: Up ne-
Magnus: Meanwhile, Winter Pilgrim is dead. Can we all take a minute to reflect on how shitty Zoran is as a booker?
Phillips: Up next-
Magnus: Better be the X*Crown...
Phillips: No, I think the champion is still in flight – he is coming here from a J-RoK show...
Magnus: OUTRAGEOUS!
Magnus: WAIT, who agreed to THIS?
Phillips: BEEF was happy to finally get his hands on Fury, without you around to twist the narrative he’s surprisingly brave.
Magnus: This is our Supremacy show stealer – why are we wasting it on a lousy Zoran defence special? At least have it on last- so that when Recoba upsets the GUNS fans by winning the Crown, BEEF can cheer them up by ending Fury’s career!
Phillips: I don’t think the fans would care for that at all.
Magnus: What would you know about popular opinion, Tom? You’re attracted to minors.
Phillips: I’m just saying the general consensus is that Redmond Fury is MISTER GUNS.
Magnus: This is insufferable – how dare he make this the undercard! I have to make a call-
Magnus leaves, as the two giants stare each other down in the ring.
DING! DING! DING!
The two begin to lock up when- there is a sudden CUT.
Tick...
Tock...
A finger wags back and forth like the pendulum of a clock.
Tick...
Tock...
The camera starts to pull back.
Tick...
Tock...
We see that the finger belongs to Bloodied Fox. Dressed in an all white three piece suit, he sits in a leather armchair by a roaring fire, tumbler of amber liquid in his other hand.
Can you hear it, Zoran? The time running out? I hope so. Whether or not you survive Cross Recoba tonight, surrendering the X*Crown to a man I've beaten before and could again, is unimportant. Your days grow shorter as the gap between the fucking around and the finding out decreases. Steve Awesome is missing in action from OVN 3, so no roadblocks remain.
He drains the last of the whiskey, taking a moment to savour the taste. Then he crushes the glass in his grip and runs the wounded hand across his face and onto his chest, smearing his face and the crisp white clothing alike in bright red blood.
Crown or no, I'm taking your head.
His grin is wide and savage.
Be seeing you.
The footage returns back to ringside where a dozen security guards have flooded the ring, holding the two men back!
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
The bell keeper seems to think that furiously ringing it will somehow keep the two behemoths from throwing security guards across the strip in an effort to get their hands on one another.
Sylvia Starr: The referee has declared this a NO CONTEST!
The crowd don’t like the non-finish at all, but continue to pop for security guard lawn darts. Fury and Beef continue to brawl out onto the strip, followed by a dozen members of security. Magnus returns to commentary.
Magnus: No contest, can you believe it?
Phillips: Funny how that escalated when the referee stopped counting pinfalls – how did your calls go?
Magnus: Reception is just the worst out here. Still, watching Fury run away from Beef it’s clear to me that the only way we’re going to settle things with my ex-husband is in a STEEL CAGE – or buried alive match. Something to really hammer home how dead he is to GUNS.
Phillips: Well one thing is for certain fans; these two are just getting started.
Magnus: Now let’s watch Cross fleece-
Phillips: It’s time for the battle royal!
Magnus: Really?
Phillips: Good news Magnus, Marty is in the match. He had to come here from the J-RoK pay per view as well, so was probably on the same flight as Zoran.
Magnus: Just start the crown match, and award it to Cross because the champion was too busy to show up for his own program.
Phillips: It’s amazing how many streaming service mascots call the XHF home.
Magnus: My money is on the Tubi Strangler.
Phillips: He’s not here.
Magnus: Which is the purple one then?
Phillips: Roku Cock Puncher? I didn’t see her on the official line-up...
DING! DING! DING!
Not seeing Dan Stein around, Marty Donovan worries about getting stabbed by a certain champion – and hugs the corner. The rest of the mascots brawl away. Star Trekker also hugs the ropes, trying not to upset the delicate balance of the match – her prime directive. The random brawling makes the numbers easy prey for The Netflix Warrior – who is roided out of his mind. Charging about the ring with devastating closeline after discus punch, Warrior quickly cuts the competition down until all that remains is the HKW champion.
Phillips: Marty attacking from behind-
Catching him, Netflix Warrior POWERSLAMS the Disney mascot. Content with its domination, Netflix leaves Marty on the canvas, instead shaking the ropes violently and yelling “WARRRRRRIOR” for his fans. Forgetting that the match is happening, Warrior exits.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of the Streaming Wars Battle Royal – Disney’s own, Marty Donovan!!!!!!!!
Phillips: How do you like that, for all his guest appearances, Marty Donovan finally wins a match outside of Hardkore World.
Magnus: And the fact that this happened in Vegas means we can chalk this up to a HKW TOW tiff, and not a war on a seventh front.
Phillips: Marty sure will be happy to have that statistic off his back going into the new year!
Marty Donovan celebrates Disney supremacy in the ring. This will go a long way to him winning that year end award. A dozen GUNS greats bring out a trophy to commemorate the battle royal win, only stopping when they get a good look at Marty’s grin.
Unboxed Ken: WAIT! Isn’t that the guy who keeps interrupting the tribute matches to Mrs. Wombat?
East L.A. Wombat: Hasn’t he done enough to insult her memory?
Joseph Esch: Let’s cut his balls off!
Johnny Cobb: A fitting tribute for Mrs. Wombat!
With that an angry mob of GUNS regulars chase Marty Donovan from the ring. Where did they get the pitchforks from? Marty continues to look for Dan Stein, while wondering why bad things happen to good people.
Phillips: We have to stop them.
Magnus: Uh yes, GUNS does not advocate murder. ...The good news is that it’s highly unlikely any more of our matches will be interrupted by pirate signals.
Phillips: Fans we’ll try to get an update on the angry crowd chasing Marty Donovan later, but for now – it’s the main event.
Magnus: About time!
Phillips: Almost three years in the making! Cross Recoba first called out Zoran Sainovic during the Kommisar’s first crown run. Over the years their hostilities have intensified-
Magnus: Not the least of which when Recoba’s squeeze beat Zoran-
Phillips: -Pepe Morales-
Magnus: ZORAN to win the End of Days.
Phillips: The two teamed up at this year's Call to Arms, which just seemed to reignite their animosity.
Magnus: Well, these are the two main guys in the XHF that play up running companies while wrestling in their spare time. The only difference is Cross Recoba ACTUALLY owns a company! And tonight he’s going to take the crown to Hardkore World, leaving Zoran can die in hospice.
Phillips: With the stage set, let’s send it over to Stella Starr for introductions.
The lights on the ball spark up, much to the delight of the crowd. With the explosives attached to the ring, security start pushing back against the crowd – making sure there is a good fifteen feet clearance from ground zero. Seeing the extra efforts at safety, Sylvia looks a little nervous inside the ring.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your MAIN EVENT-
MONSTER POP!
Sylvia Starr: It is a Minutes to Midnight match for the XHF X*Crown! The champion’s personalized crown has been tied to this New Year’s Ball – the winner is the first to retrieve it. At set intervals the ball will drop a short distance – making it easier to climb too, but also setting off a barrage of explosives...
The casual crowd seem slightly confused, and the production team pull up a simplified graphic that reads: LADDER TIME BOMB.
Sylvia Starr: Entering first, the challenger –
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play over loudspeakers, with a single spotlight illuminates the risers that function as a stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers, though there is audible hometown support. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Sylvia Starr: Representing Hardkore World, he standing at six feet and one inch, and weighing in at 230 pounds, hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada.... and the self-proclaimed 'Box Office Smash of the XHF NETWORK'..... , 'THE FOX' CROSS RECOBBBAAA!!
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lions head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.
Phillips: With that HCW Diamond championship, Cross has had the ability to challenge the X*Crown whenever he wants. Yet it’s still not on the line tonight.
Magnus: Nor should it be, Zoran is defending against Cross because he doesn’t like being kicked out of a TOW show. He was going to wrestle Recoba anyway, no need for the challenge to ante up. When Cross wins he can put the Diamond title in the crown if he wants, or permanently keep it on his mantle as an insurance policy.
Phillips: These two men spent much of their careers as equal blackhearts, but the fact that Recoba wasn’t willing to put his title on the line? Clearly the villain of the night... despite the mixed reaction from the hometown crowd.
Magnus: Hometown advantage? Please! We are no where near The Sands – Zoran picking this part of the strip to be a dick. Huge surprise there.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... the champion...
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the makeshift entrance, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
Zoran Sainovic exits through the curtains an impressive face reaction. The former commissioner is decked out in a red Armani suit. Coming straight from J-RoK, wearing white seemed foolhardy. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. New to his ensemble is an eye patch across his right eye.
Sylvia Starr: standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – make some noise for GUNS own...
FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: The eye patch is new.
Magnus: Well, Quake did pour 12 million scovilles of hot sauce in his eyes – Zoran’s lucky if he only lost one.
Phillips: The champion coming to us straight from a defence against Randy Angel, one has to question if he has anything left in the tank.
Magnus: I’d question if he’s still champion at all. I could definitely see this putz losing the strap to Randy, then lie and lose it again to Cross. In which case, we’ll be happy to host the unification match between the two...
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
DING! DING! DING!
The two men charge...
Phillips: And they’re off! Right off the back, Cross with a knife-edge chop! Zoran responds with a PRESSURE POINT!!!!
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The shotei variation misses Recoba by a foot.
Magnus: Is he completely blind?
Phillips: I don’t know how badly effected the eye that isn’t under cover has also been damaged, but the champion definitely showing some problems with depth perception.
Sainovic starts to adjust, going for another Pressure Point – only for Recoba to nail a knee to the midsection, setting up an Osaka Street Stunner.
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Phillips: THE SKIM! We are in our opening minute, and the champion already in a bad way.
Magnus: I told you that arrogant jerk bit off more than he can chew; now Cross is going to make him pay with interest!
A running kneedrop to the back of the head confirms that Sainovic is indeed out. Looking up, Cross spots the jewel encrusted pin tied to the ball, and makes his move. Rolling outside, the TOW promoter picks up a ladder. Sliding it under the bottom rope, Recoba makes a conscious decision to hit a knocked out Sainovic square in the face with it. And again. A few more rough bumps later; Recoba clears the obstacle, laying it across Zoran’s face. The Fox then re-enters the ring with a slingshot elbowdrop, which drives the closed ladder down into Zoran’s head, opening up his brow.
Phillips: The champion is bleeding and out of it, as Recoba starts to set up the ladder-
Magnus: Cross is a businessman first and foremost, if he sees an opportunity to win the belt? He’s not sticking around for the bombs.
Phillips: The ladder aspect definitely suits Recoba’s style better than the more hardcore elements...
Setting the ladder up, Cross begins to climb – only to realize that at its current height there is no way he’s reaching the globe. Looking down, he has just enough time to leap off the middle of the ladder before Zoran shoves it over. The Final Boss again tries to hit a Pressure Point, only to have his arm hooked and get shot into the corner with an Irish whip. Fortunately the ladder has fallen in that direction, and the steel helps to cushion the blow to the turnbuckle. THWANG. Sainovic staggers out. Recoba charges in, doubling down on The Skim, only this time Zoran is able to block – tossing The Fox into the overturned ladder with a fistful of hair. Closing in, the champion starts using his working right arm to throw VICIOUS forearm smashes. Sainovic’s depth perception might be shot, but from a foot away, these land hard. As welts begin to form, Recoba finds his footing and fights out with a series of knife edge chops. Sainovic answers with clubbing palm strikes, teasing a Pressure Point but not snapping them off. The slower speed again allows Recoba to hook the arm, again going for an Irish whip – only for Zoran to reverse it, sending the HKW star hard into a ladder free corner. Recoba staggers out, where Zoran is waiting with The Harvester – only The Fox matrixes under it.
Magnus: Harvester attempt, but Cross has it well scouted.
Phillips: Given how long these two have dreamed of murdering one another, and their reputations for research, I doubt either man has many surprises up their sleeve.
Rising, Sainovic shoots in for the clawhold he’s recently starting referring to as the Friendly Conversation ’12 – but Cross again hooks the arm. Recoba starts to pull Sainovic over with a Japanese armdrag, only for the champion to put the breaks on. Twisting, Zoran manages to turn it into an armbar – but without the extra hand for added leverage, Recoba quickly reverses it into one of his own. Without a free elbow to throw, Sainovic tries to kick to break it, but Recoba maintains control while avoiding the awkward strikes. Twisting out, Sainovic drives in with a series of rapid fire shoulder blocks. Recoba eventually lets go of the arm hold just as The Final Boss starts to set-up his Karma Breaker, instead leapfrogging over the charge. Cross runs into the far ropes, rebounding off with a leg lariat – but no sooner does the challenger get airborne then Sainovic rams into him with a spear bordering on backdrop combination that sends Cross falling out to the floor. Sainovic sizes up the ladder versus how high up his crown is – then charges across the ring with a baseball slide that catches Cross in the face.
Phillips: Cross sent out hard – and there is no padding out there, just the street.
Magnus: Well, I’m sure they had crews sweep it...
Phillips: The point is, it’s MUCH harder than if they’d been in an arena – and off a ladder? They could break something.
Pulling another ladder out from under the ring, Zoran awkwardly grasps it with one fist – but still manages to bring it across the back of Cross. After a few more ladder shots, Zoran tosses the second one into the ring. He then grabs the announcer’s table...
Magnus: What do you think you’re doing?
Phillips: Please respect our workspace-
Magnus: If anything happens to that table it’s coming out of your salary!
Phillips: Do you actually pay Zoran to be in GUNS?
Magnus: No. I think it’s more of a hobby for him to try and give me a heart attack, but it’s the principle. Respect the desk!
Having a hard time manoeuvring it with the one arm, Zoran slides the announce table under the ring. The amount of plunder that is filling the ring will make it hard for Cross to use his technical edge. Before Zoran can slide into the ring, Cross pulls him out – and sends him CRASHING into the steel steps with another whip. A running kneelift further smashes Sainovic into the steps, dislodging them with a loud THUD. Raked with pain, Zoran fights his way back up with wild punches – but Cross expertly ducks under them to nail a saito suplex onto the street. Looking at Magnus yelling obscenities, then turning his attention to the announce table in the ring, it doesn’t take Cross long to figure out Zoran’s plan. A second Saito suplex SPIKES Zoran’s head on the steel steps. With the champion down on the outside, Cross returns to the ring.
Phillips: Recoba back in the ring – not sure why, the crown is still out of reach no matter how high you climb.
Magnus: Cross setting up one ladder – then measuring the distance, sets up the other five feet a- oh, he wouldn’t.
Phillips: Both ladders set up, and now carrying the announce table up the far one. He’s going to swat it off-
Magnus: If he has any hope of avoiding the time bomb, that is his best bet.
Rather than Tom’s idiotic swat suggestion, Recoba instead places the table across in such a way that the two ladders hold it upright. Getting from ladder to table is a little awkward, but it effectively forms a bridge using the post for the ball to balance. As Cross starts to get over it, a bloody Zoran Sainovic crawls back into the ring. The Vegas natives cheer Cross on, while the rest of the crowd give words of encouragement to Sainovic’s bloody crawl. Rather than shove over the ladder, Zoran starts dragging himself up it – incredibly difficult with one arm. Arriving at the centre of his bridge, holding the post to steady himself – Cross jumps up trying to grab the scarf off the ball. It’s still far enough from reach for the attempt to be nonsensical. A second jump almost causes the precarious table to fall. Looking for a new approach, Cross passes a leg around the pole and stars trying to pull himself up that way- the table shakes.
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Zoran Sainovic pulls Cross Recoba off the post.
Magnus: Both men awkwardly standing on our announce table.
Phillips: How is it staying up?
Magnus: If it’s able to carry your dead weight Tom, it can hold up to anything!
Sainovic fires off a forearm smash, that rocks Recoba close to the edge of the table. Flash photography goes off expecting a big splash. Coming back, Recoba lays in a knife edge chop which forces Sainovic to tease the edge himself. The two men trade shot after shot – the announce table wobbling over the ladders with every blow.
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Zoran Sainovic tries for the pressure point again – but Cross Recoba side steps it, letting his rival push forwards for what should be a nasty fall. The Final Boss puts the breaks on just before the plunge. Cross then hooks him from behind-
Magnus: NOT THE TABLE!
Phillips: Belly-to-back supl-
Cross stars to pull Zoran backwards with a suplex that will send both men through the table, but before impact-
The crowd erupt in applause like they were watching a New Year’s fireworks show – as the first time bomb goes off. Set charges in the four corners explode in a blinding display of white sparks. The sparks shoot a good fifteen feet up in the air, the explosion just shy of the elevated position. While protected from burns, the impact does displace the ladders and table – sending both men flying through the air. Cross is nearly cut in half by the top rope, which leaves him hanging, while Zoran’s injured arm isn’t helped by the ring post he lands on.
Phillips: JESUS C-
Magnus: Our first explosion – and we see the ball lower, what is that – five feet? Is that enough for one of them to retrieve the crown? I certainly hope so, because there is no way they’re taking another blast like that.
The crowd and applaud both men, chants going off for the extreme nature of this spot. Cross can be seen muttering obscenities for this appreciation, as he pulls himself off the rope. Still a hard time standing though. It takes Zoran longer to recover. Both men finally have their wits back about them just in time to hit a double closeline that sends them back to the canvas. Recoba is the first up, and starts to pull Sainovic into a legdrop bulldog – but Zoran hangs onto the leg, and counters it with a backdrop over the top. Recoba lands on the apron. Sainovic starts to reach for a ladder, when Cross uses the ropes to come in with a slingshot elbowsmash – but Sainovic stops it with a scorpion kick. With Cross down, its now Sainovic who sets one of the ladders back up. It still quite shy of the ball, but that’s what tiptoes are for. Slower in his climb owing to the one arm, it’s impressive that Sainovic almost makes it to the top before Cross shoves the ladder over.
Phillips: Recoba waiting just long enough that the drop sends Sainovic out to the floor- who am I kidding? Street.
Magnus: Cross always thinking. As for the ground, that’s on Zoran for not paying for padding. Seeing him in the gutter? It’s a good look.
With Sainovic out, it’s now Cross’ time to climb. Arriving close to the top, it’s clear that there is still too much of a gap to reach the pin. Again grasping the pole, Cross tries to get a firm enough grip on it to climb – though the post shakes against his weight. Outside, Zoran starts to recover – pulling glass out of his knee. Spotting Zoran, Cross tries to commit to the post – but there is very little grip to speak of. Maybe hooking a leg around- as Sainovic knocks over the ladder, Recoba commits to the post, unable to really climb, but hanging on like the drop is going to suck. Grabbing the other ladder – which is folded, Zoran uses his one arm to swing it like a bat – prodding Cross with enough force to knock him off.
Magnus: Damn it!
Phillips: Recoba down, landing HARD on the overturned ladder. Now Sainovic setting up the other one, and begins climbing-
Magnus: If Cross can’t climb that post, there is no way a cripple like Zoran-
Phillips: He may be able to knock the crown off if he gets closer, he does have a lot of chains up his sleeves.
Magnus: And zero depth perception!
Arriving at the top rung, Zoran starts to assess how much more distance he needs to cover to get the crown. This is going to take some finesse. Better wait to make sure that Cross is- why is Cross waiting outside the ring? Fuck. Zoran turns to the timer just as it reaches-
The explosion sends Zoran flying, hanging onto the top rung of the ladder for dear life – but also shooting the ladder out of the ring like a projectile. Sainovic braces himself for a wave of sparks, before the ladder bounces across the ropes and sends him crashing into the ring apron.
Phillips: Recoba saw the clock – paced his return to the ring...
Magnus: Well he’s the thinking man’s wrestler of this group, versus Zoran’s human punching bag.
Phillips: Zoran in a bad way, and Cross getting back into the ring-
The ball dropping down further, almost a manageable distance from the ladder, Cross sets it up against the post again. Then for good measure, picks up a sizeable portion of unexploded announcer’s table and repeatedly brings it down across Zoran’s back. Content that the champion is out of it, The Fox stops himself and lifts Sainovic up one more time-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Up All Night in Dakota!!!
Phillips: Sainovic was out cold, and had no way to defend – but now?
Magnus: That was a message for sure. Despite all his Morales is someone else posturing, Sainovic has talked enough crap about Dakota Jennings since End of Days 2020, that he was due. Cross putting an exclamation point on Sainovic’s loss, with a fond memory of Dakota!
Phillips: Well Zoran is down, and the ball looks physically possible now-
Leaving Zoran in a slump across the remains of the broken announcers table, Cross repositioning the ladder, then starts to make his ascent. The ball is still high enough that it requires standing on the top rung to reach it, but now the crown is theoretically within reach. Cross leans against the pole, almost loses his footing, but leans out – the crown lapel pin within two feet of his grasp. If he leans into it further-
Phillips: He’s got it-
Magnus: UNLESS ZORAN-
Phillips: WHAT?
Magnus: Just kidding, that loser is still dead.
It’s within reach-
Another explosion rocks the ring, sending Recoba over the top and smashing into the steps. On the ground floor of the explosion, Sainovic’s suit is on fire – the champ visibly smoking. The announcer table acting as a shield that kept the blast from being worse. Seemingly woken by the flames, Zoran starts to upright a ladder. It takes some time, both from existing injures and the fact that the last bomb may have concussed him. While Sainovic struggles to set up the ladder, Cross slowly crawl back up the steps.
Phillips: That ball – the scarf, the pin, the crown – finally within reach.
Magnus: That last bomb did it.
Phillips: But with both men having been rocked by these blasts, do they have anything left to climb?
Magnus: They’d better at this rate it’ll take another eight bombs to get that crown to ground level, and they don’t have another one let alone eight, in them.
With his one arm, Zoran starts to climb the ladder. Recoba crawls into the ring almost at the same speed. One eye is swollen shut from the stair hit, but Cross still has his wits about him to check the far clock for the time. The explosions are getting faster. Cross starts to shove the ladder, but doesn’t have enough strength from the last bump. Also, with the time on the clock, there is only one option – he starts climbing the opposite rungs.
Phillips: BOTH MEN CLIMBING THE SAME LADDER!
Magnus: Zoran has the head start, but with one arm? You GOT THIS Cross!
Phillips: Out of respect for our audience, can you at least pretend you’re not cheering for a rival promotion?
Magnus: Nope.
They both reach the top rung at the same time. Face to face, they start trading shots. With only the one arm, Zoran has a hard time maintaining balance while laying in forearm smashes – but he still does it. Cross eats them, only letting on how much they hurt when the bruised tissue around his eye is opened up. Recoba answers with knife edge chops – clinical, hitting broken limbs, and bloody gashes. Both men tease falling, but always use the post the ball is on to centre themselves and continue the brawl.
Magnus: HERE WE GO!
A big chop by Cross knocks Zoran back – he teases falling off the ladder, but grabs the scarf for support. The scarf that the Crown pin is attached too. Rather than let it be torn off, Cross grabs the other side, the two playing tug of war with the pin in the cent-
The explosion finally causes the ladder to buckle.
Both men come crashing to the ground.
When the sparks and dust clear, they both look thoroughly exploded. Unconscious bloody stumps...
Magnus: GET UP!
Then the pole shifts, and the ball comes tumbling down twenty feet too soon.
Phillips: I guess they didn’t reinforce it.
Magnus: Or hoped to finish the match before the forth time bomb went off, with both men hanging off it like this was cirque de soleil!
Phillips: That was a reasonable expectation.
The crowd look dejected at the broken ball. Their fake New Years Eve Time Square ball drop ruined. Perhaps there is still time to run back to the hotel and watch it on television? Not if they are going to pick up blow and ladies of the evening. Damn, adulting is difficult.
Phillips: Wait is that-
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The scarf – and more importantly the diamond studded crown lapel pin – rests on the canvas a few feet away from the dead competitors.
Magnus: WAKE UP!
Phillips: This match is still on! What are you?
Magnus: You’ve got this Cross!
Without a table to keep him away from the ring, Magnus splashes some water on Recoba, waking him. Unfortunately Magnus’ shrill voice also wakes up Sainovic. The two men try to figure out where they are, and then begin to crawl, slowly, towards the scarf – leaving trails of blood behind them.
One foot after another…
...Almost within arms reach...
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DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... and STILL X*Crown Champion,
THE FINAL BOSS
ZORAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!
Magnus: For fucks sake.
Phillips: He doesn’t look ready to celebrate.
Magnus: Who could? This is the worst day ever.
Though neither man can move, the two exhausted, smoking enemies, seem to exchange words.
While the ball currently lies in the centre of the ring in twenty pieces, the timer on the far tron offers one final countdown.
Everyone: HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Phillips: And that is 2022 in the books! Here is hoping that 2023 provides as many magical moments from the GUNS family to yours-
Magnus: New year? Same shit! Cross was robbed!
Phillips: Look on the Brightside Magnus, there is always next year.
As Magnus mutters obscenities, the crowd start singing Auld Lang Syne. Paramedics approach ringside, helping the main eventers out.
Phillips: And that wraps up another GUNS special, I’m Tom Phillips joined by Magnus – wishing you all a very Happy New Year!
The camera pans across the capacity crowd before fading to black...
The camera pans past the majestic Bellagio fountains, before coming to a rest on Las Vegas Boulevard. Traffic has been shut down to accommodate a wrestling ring. In the center of the ring, however, is a large metal post – holding a mirror ball a good thirty feet above the ring. A gaudy tribute to Times Squares’ ball drop – the teasing countdown for New Year is at home with the many other landmark facsimiles of THIS city that never sleeps. An open event has attracted thousands to loiter in the street, all decked out in novelty hats, and those disgusting glasses that inform people what the calendar is changing too. The champagne flows heavily, and security has a hard time keeping the audience a safe distance from ring – which has clearly been set up with explosive devices.
GUNS
New Year's Eve
Phillips: Hello fans- and welcome to a very special edition of GUNS! I’ve been joined by the ghost of Dick Clark.
Dick Clark Ghost: Great to be here T-
Magnus: You’re in my seat.
Phillips: Magnus, I didn’t expect you to show up for-
Magnus: IT’S MY COMPANY! And I wouldn’t miss Recoba taking the crown off Sainovic if my soul depended on it-
Dick Clark Ghost: It’s funny you should mention that.
Magnus: Christmas was a week ago, I have no use for the spirits of the season trying to get me to pay Wombat better for Tiny Tim Wombat’s sake.
Dick Clark Ghost: There is still time-
Magnus: For us to start the show – now get out of my seat.
Dick Clark Ghost: I’m actually a corporeal entity; we can both sit in the same-
Magnus: Fuck off, ghost.
With that Dick Clark returns to the underworld, his only crime? Expanding Ryan Seacrest’s brand.
Magnus: WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL GUNS SHOW! In which we finally put the last nail in the coffin of a man who has RUINED our federation. Sure, we had to go to an outside contractor to get the job done – but its not like we could count on Redmond Fury anyway. So thank you Hardkore World, TAP OUT, and enjoy the crown – we’ll be GUNNING for you.
Phillips: Up first we have-
Magnus: There is more than one match?
Phillips: Our former commissioner used a lot of his blank contracts and favours to put together a really impressive show.
Magnus: OUTRAGEOUS, I had New Year’s Eve plans!
Phillips: No one is forcing you to stay.
Magnus (grunt): MY COMPANY!
XHF Shockmaster vs. “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes
Phillips: We kick things off with the HERO of GUNS taking a break from his Phoenix title challenging ways, to take on the manager of the CAR Invader.
Magnus: I think we all saw how Shockmaster had Bones beat on our Boxing Day show. GUNS would have reclaimed the Phoenix from the hated CAR if not for that wily manager Stokes interfering.
Phillips: I don’t remember that happening at all-
Magnus: Well Christ Tom, it was only six days ago... but Stokes is older than dirt, and everyone knows only the teens get your attention.
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Shockmaster trips and falls INTO Stokes, breaking his hip.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
The referee checks on bone protruding from Stokes’ side, and immediately calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The official has ruled Bill Stokes unable to continue, so the winner of this match by technical knockout – THE XHF SHOCKMASTER!
Despite the ten second runtime for this potentially hot opener, the crowd cheer Shockmaster hard. A lot of casual viewers making up the crowd help this appreciation of non-wrestling, also the fact that XHF Shockermaster is the greatest hero in the history of GUNS. The merchandise sales don’t lie. A lot of audience members wear storm trooper helmets painted blue.
Magnus: Just like he put down Tinto the orphan. I tell you, any fed that wants to invade GUNS – bring it on! XHF Shockmaster has your number!
Paramedics stretcher Bill Stokes out. Unfortunately without the calming counsel of the Methuselah Cowboy – there is no one that can keep Dinosaur Bones in line. The dracolich stomps out of the back.
XHF Phoenix Championship
DINOSAUR BONES © vs. HARSH WINTER PILGRIM
Phillips: The CAR Invader will have his work cut out for him with this defence.
Magnus: How did Zoran trick that poor fool into challenging?
Phillips: He offered him a wish sandwich.
Magnus: That would do it.
DING! DING! DING!
No sooner does the bell ring, then Dinosaur Bones eats HWP.
Phillips: NOT AGAIN!
Magnus: If I had to put money on a GUNS wrestler eating his opponent, I’d put it on Harsh Winter Pilgrim.
Phillips: It’s a good think Redmond Fury got everything in the divorce, that is a HORIRBLE bet.
Starr checks with referee Derrick Dandy, before announcing the verdict.
Sylvia Starr: The official has ruled that Harsh Winter Pilgrim is unable to continue – unless he gives Bones worms. So unless the hated CAR representative succumbs to scurvy in the next month, your winner of this match- DINOSAUR BONES!!!!!!
The lumbering dracolich charges out onto the strip, eating everyone in his path.
Dinosaur Bones: HAPPY ORBIT AROUND THE FIRE BALL IN THE SKY, STUPID FLESHLINGS! I SHALL CONSUME IT BEFORE THE NEXT ROTATION!
Magnus: Bringing about a new ice age, that is quite the New Year’s Resolution from our unwanted guest.
Phillips: Another GUNS star eaten alive at the tiny hands of Bones. We can only hope and pray that L.A. Wombat can avenge his wife at Supremacy.
Magnus: Is this the same Authenico that is currently sucking Jell-O through a straw in traction? Yeah, Zoran’s pal Dylan Black already ruined Wombat’s chances – the only thing that is happening at Supremacy is Tiny Tim Wombat joining Tinto at the orphanage.
Phillips: Up ne-
Magnus: Meanwhile, Winter Pilgrim is dead. Can we all take a minute to reflect on how shitty Zoran is as a booker?
Phillips: Up next-
Magnus: Better be the X*Crown...
Phillips: No, I think the champion is still in flight – he is coming here from a J-RoK show...
Magnus: OUTRAGEOUS!
GRUDGE MATCH
Redmond Fury vs. BEEF
Magnus: WAIT, who agreed to THIS?
Phillips: BEEF was happy to finally get his hands on Fury, without you around to twist the narrative he’s surprisingly brave.
Magnus: This is our Supremacy show stealer – why are we wasting it on a lousy Zoran defence special? At least have it on last- so that when Recoba upsets the GUNS fans by winning the Crown, BEEF can cheer them up by ending Fury’s career!
Phillips: I don’t think the fans would care for that at all.
Magnus: What would you know about popular opinion, Tom? You’re attracted to minors.
Phillips: I’m just saying the general consensus is that Redmond Fury is MISTER GUNS.
Magnus: This is insufferable – how dare he make this the undercard! I have to make a call-
Magnus leaves, as the two giants stare each other down in the ring.
DING! DING! DING!
The two begin to lock up when- there is a sudden CUT.
Tick...
Tock...
A finger wags back and forth like the pendulum of a clock.
Tick...
Tock...
The camera starts to pull back.
Tick...
Tock...
We see that the finger belongs to Bloodied Fox. Dressed in an all white three piece suit, he sits in a leather armchair by a roaring fire, tumbler of amber liquid in his other hand.
Can you hear it, Zoran? The time running out? I hope so. Whether or not you survive Cross Recoba tonight, surrendering the X*Crown to a man I've beaten before and could again, is unimportant. Your days grow shorter as the gap between the fucking around and the finding out decreases. Steve Awesome is missing in action from OVN 3, so no roadblocks remain.
He drains the last of the whiskey, taking a moment to savour the taste. Then he crushes the glass in his grip and runs the wounded hand across his face and onto his chest, smearing his face and the crisp white clothing alike in bright red blood.
Crown or no, I'm taking your head.
His grin is wide and savage.
Be seeing you.
The footage returns back to ringside where a dozen security guards have flooded the ring, holding the two men back!
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
The bell keeper seems to think that furiously ringing it will somehow keep the two behemoths from throwing security guards across the strip in an effort to get their hands on one another.
Sylvia Starr: The referee has declared this a NO CONTEST!
The crowd don’t like the non-finish at all, but continue to pop for security guard lawn darts. Fury and Beef continue to brawl out onto the strip, followed by a dozen members of security. Magnus returns to commentary.
Magnus: No contest, can you believe it?
Phillips: Funny how that escalated when the referee stopped counting pinfalls – how did your calls go?
Magnus: Reception is just the worst out here. Still, watching Fury run away from Beef it’s clear to me that the only way we’re going to settle things with my ex-husband is in a STEEL CAGE – or buried alive match. Something to really hammer home how dead he is to GUNS.
Phillips: Well one thing is for certain fans; these two are just getting started.
Magnus: Now let’s watch Cross fleece-
Phillips: It’s time for the battle royal!
Magnus: Really?
STREAMING WARS BATTLE ROYAL
The Primal Amazonian, Crave 2 The Grave, Asian Crush Cutie Honey, Discovery+ Ancient Alien, The Star Trekker, El Hijo Del Hulu, Disney’s Marty Donovan, Phantom BritBoxer, The Netflix Warrior, HBO MAX Headroom, Peacock Kid, Funimation Guru Bob, Pluto Express
Phillips: Good news Magnus, Marty is in the match. He had to come here from the J-RoK pay per view as well, so was probably on the same flight as Zoran.
Magnus: Just start the crown match, and award it to Cross because the champion was too busy to show up for his own program.
Phillips: It’s amazing how many streaming service mascots call the XHF home.
Magnus: My money is on the Tubi Strangler.
Phillips: He’s not here.
Magnus: Which is the purple one then?
Phillips: Roku Cock Puncher? I didn’t see her on the official line-up...
DING! DING! DING!
Not seeing Dan Stein around, Marty Donovan worries about getting stabbed by a certain champion – and hugs the corner. The rest of the mascots brawl away. Star Trekker also hugs the ropes, trying not to upset the delicate balance of the match – her prime directive. The random brawling makes the numbers easy prey for The Netflix Warrior – who is roided out of his mind. Charging about the ring with devastating closeline after discus punch, Warrior quickly cuts the competition down until all that remains is the HKW champion.
Phillips: Marty attacking from behind-
Catching him, Netflix Warrior POWERSLAMS the Disney mascot. Content with its domination, Netflix leaves Marty on the canvas, instead shaking the ropes violently and yelling “WARRRRRRIOR” for his fans. Forgetting that the match is happening, Warrior exits.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of the Streaming Wars Battle Royal – Disney’s own, Marty Donovan!!!!!!!!
Phillips: How do you like that, for all his guest appearances, Marty Donovan finally wins a match outside of Hardkore World.
Magnus: And the fact that this happened in Vegas means we can chalk this up to a HKW TOW tiff, and not a war on a seventh front.
Phillips: Marty sure will be happy to have that statistic off his back going into the new year!
Marty Donovan celebrates Disney supremacy in the ring. This will go a long way to him winning that year end award. A dozen GUNS greats bring out a trophy to commemorate the battle royal win, only stopping when they get a good look at Marty’s grin.
Unboxed Ken: WAIT! Isn’t that the guy who keeps interrupting the tribute matches to Mrs. Wombat?
East L.A. Wombat: Hasn’t he done enough to insult her memory?
Joseph Esch: Let’s cut his balls off!
Johnny Cobb: A fitting tribute for Mrs. Wombat!
With that an angry mob of GUNS regulars chase Marty Donovan from the ring. Where did they get the pitchforks from? Marty continues to look for Dan Stein, while wondering why bad things happen to good people.
Phillips: We have to stop them.
Magnus: Uh yes, GUNS does not advocate murder. ...The good news is that it’s highly unlikely any more of our matches will be interrupted by pirate signals.
Phillips: Fans we’ll try to get an update on the angry crowd chasing Marty Donovan later, but for now – it’s the main event.
Magnus: About time!
Phillips: Almost three years in the making! Cross Recoba first called out Zoran Sainovic during the Kommisar’s first crown run. Over the years their hostilities have intensified-
Magnus: Not the least of which when Recoba’s squeeze beat Zoran-
Phillips: -Pepe Morales-
Magnus: ZORAN to win the End of Days.
Phillips: The two teamed up at this year's Call to Arms, which just seemed to reignite their animosity.
Magnus: Well, these are the two main guys in the XHF that play up running companies while wrestling in their spare time. The only difference is Cross Recoba ACTUALLY owns a company! And tonight he’s going to take the crown to Hardkore World, leaving Zoran can die in hospice.
Phillips: With the stage set, let’s send it over to Stella Starr for introductions.
The lights on the ball spark up, much to the delight of the crowd. With the explosives attached to the ring, security start pushing back against the crowd – making sure there is a good fifteen feet clearance from ground zero. Seeing the extra efforts at safety, Sylvia looks a little nervous inside the ring.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your MAIN EVENT-
MONSTER POP!
Sylvia Starr: It is a Minutes to Midnight match for the XHF X*Crown! The champion’s personalized crown has been tied to this New Year’s Ball – the winner is the first to retrieve it. At set intervals the ball will drop a short distance – making it easier to climb too, but also setting off a barrage of explosives...
The casual crowd seem slightly confused, and the production team pull up a simplified graphic that reads: LADDER TIME BOMB.
Sylvia Starr: Entering first, the challenger –
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play over loudspeakers, with a single spotlight illuminates the risers that function as a stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers, though there is audible hometown support. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Sylvia Starr: Representing Hardkore World, he standing at six feet and one inch, and weighing in at 230 pounds, hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada.... and the self-proclaimed 'Box Office Smash of the XHF NETWORK'..... , 'THE FOX' CROSS RECOBBBAAA!!
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lions head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.
Phillips: With that HCW Diamond championship, Cross has had the ability to challenge the X*Crown whenever he wants. Yet it’s still not on the line tonight.
Magnus: Nor should it be, Zoran is defending against Cross because he doesn’t like being kicked out of a TOW show. He was going to wrestle Recoba anyway, no need for the challenge to ante up. When Cross wins he can put the Diamond title in the crown if he wants, or permanently keep it on his mantle as an insurance policy.
Phillips: These two men spent much of their careers as equal blackhearts, but the fact that Recoba wasn’t willing to put his title on the line? Clearly the villain of the night... despite the mixed reaction from the hometown crowd.
Magnus: Hometown advantage? Please! We are no where near The Sands – Zoran picking this part of the strip to be a dick. Huge surprise there.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... the champion...
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the makeshift entrance, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
Zoran Sainovic exits through the curtains an impressive face reaction. The former commissioner is decked out in a red Armani suit. Coming straight from J-RoK, wearing white seemed foolhardy. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. New to his ensemble is an eye patch across his right eye.
Sylvia Starr: standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – make some noise for GUNS own...
FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: The eye patch is new.
Magnus: Well, Quake did pour 12 million scovilles of hot sauce in his eyes – Zoran’s lucky if he only lost one.
Phillips: The champion coming to us straight from a defence against Randy Angel, one has to question if he has anything left in the tank.
Magnus: I’d question if he’s still champion at all. I could definitely see this putz losing the strap to Randy, then lie and lose it again to Cross. In which case, we’ll be happy to host the unification match between the two...
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
XHF X*Crown Championship
Zoran Sainovic © vs. Cross Recoba
DING! DING! DING!
The two men charge...
Phillips: And they’re off! Right off the back, Cross with a knife-edge chop! Zoran responds with a PRESSURE POINT!!!!
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The shotei variation misses Recoba by a foot.
Magnus: Is he completely blind?
Phillips: I don’t know how badly effected the eye that isn’t under cover has also been damaged, but the champion definitely showing some problems with depth perception.
Sainovic starts to adjust, going for another Pressure Point – only for Recoba to nail a knee to the midsection, setting up an Osaka Street Stunner.
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Phillips: THE SKIM! We are in our opening minute, and the champion already in a bad way.
Magnus: I told you that arrogant jerk bit off more than he can chew; now Cross is going to make him pay with interest!
A running kneedrop to the back of the head confirms that Sainovic is indeed out. Looking up, Cross spots the jewel encrusted pin tied to the ball, and makes his move. Rolling outside, the TOW promoter picks up a ladder. Sliding it under the bottom rope, Recoba makes a conscious decision to hit a knocked out Sainovic square in the face with it. And again. A few more rough bumps later; Recoba clears the obstacle, laying it across Zoran’s face. The Fox then re-enters the ring with a slingshot elbowdrop, which drives the closed ladder down into Zoran’s head, opening up his brow.
Phillips: The champion is bleeding and out of it, as Recoba starts to set up the ladder-
Magnus: Cross is a businessman first and foremost, if he sees an opportunity to win the belt? He’s not sticking around for the bombs.
Phillips: The ladder aspect definitely suits Recoba’s style better than the more hardcore elements...
Setting the ladder up, Cross begins to climb – only to realize that at its current height there is no way he’s reaching the globe. Looking down, he has just enough time to leap off the middle of the ladder before Zoran shoves it over. The Final Boss again tries to hit a Pressure Point, only to have his arm hooked and get shot into the corner with an Irish whip. Fortunately the ladder has fallen in that direction, and the steel helps to cushion the blow to the turnbuckle. THWANG. Sainovic staggers out. Recoba charges in, doubling down on The Skim, only this time Zoran is able to block – tossing The Fox into the overturned ladder with a fistful of hair. Closing in, the champion starts using his working right arm to throw VICIOUS forearm smashes. Sainovic’s depth perception might be shot, but from a foot away, these land hard. As welts begin to form, Recoba finds his footing and fights out with a series of knife edge chops. Sainovic answers with clubbing palm strikes, teasing a Pressure Point but not snapping them off. The slower speed again allows Recoba to hook the arm, again going for an Irish whip – only for Zoran to reverse it, sending the HKW star hard into a ladder free corner. Recoba staggers out, where Zoran is waiting with The Harvester – only The Fox matrixes under it.
Magnus: Harvester attempt, but Cross has it well scouted.
Phillips: Given how long these two have dreamed of murdering one another, and their reputations for research, I doubt either man has many surprises up their sleeve.
Rising, Sainovic shoots in for the clawhold he’s recently starting referring to as the Friendly Conversation ’12 – but Cross again hooks the arm. Recoba starts to pull Sainovic over with a Japanese armdrag, only for the champion to put the breaks on. Twisting, Zoran manages to turn it into an armbar – but without the extra hand for added leverage, Recoba quickly reverses it into one of his own. Without a free elbow to throw, Sainovic tries to kick to break it, but Recoba maintains control while avoiding the awkward strikes. Twisting out, Sainovic drives in with a series of rapid fire shoulder blocks. Recoba eventually lets go of the arm hold just as The Final Boss starts to set-up his Karma Breaker, instead leapfrogging over the charge. Cross runs into the far ropes, rebounding off with a leg lariat – but no sooner does the challenger get airborne then Sainovic rams into him with a spear bordering on backdrop combination that sends Cross falling out to the floor. Sainovic sizes up the ladder versus how high up his crown is – then charges across the ring with a baseball slide that catches Cross in the face.
Phillips: Cross sent out hard – and there is no padding out there, just the street.
Magnus: Well, I’m sure they had crews sweep it...
Phillips: The point is, it’s MUCH harder than if they’d been in an arena – and off a ladder? They could break something.
Pulling another ladder out from under the ring, Zoran awkwardly grasps it with one fist – but still manages to bring it across the back of Cross. After a few more ladder shots, Zoran tosses the second one into the ring. He then grabs the announcer’s table...
Magnus: What do you think you’re doing?
Phillips: Please respect our workspace-
Magnus: If anything happens to that table it’s coming out of your salary!
Phillips: Do you actually pay Zoran to be in GUNS?
Magnus: No. I think it’s more of a hobby for him to try and give me a heart attack, but it’s the principle. Respect the desk!
Having a hard time manoeuvring it with the one arm, Zoran slides the announce table under the ring. The amount of plunder that is filling the ring will make it hard for Cross to use his technical edge. Before Zoran can slide into the ring, Cross pulls him out – and sends him CRASHING into the steel steps with another whip. A running kneelift further smashes Sainovic into the steps, dislodging them with a loud THUD. Raked with pain, Zoran fights his way back up with wild punches – but Cross expertly ducks under them to nail a saito suplex onto the street. Looking at Magnus yelling obscenities, then turning his attention to the announce table in the ring, it doesn’t take Cross long to figure out Zoran’s plan. A second Saito suplex SPIKES Zoran’s head on the steel steps. With the champion down on the outside, Cross returns to the ring.
Phillips: Recoba back in the ring – not sure why, the crown is still out of reach no matter how high you climb.
Magnus: Cross setting up one ladder – then measuring the distance, sets up the other five feet a- oh, he wouldn’t.
Phillips: Both ladders set up, and now carrying the announce table up the far one. He’s going to swat it off-
Magnus: If he has any hope of avoiding the time bomb, that is his best bet.
Rather than Tom’s idiotic swat suggestion, Recoba instead places the table across in such a way that the two ladders hold it upright. Getting from ladder to table is a little awkward, but it effectively forms a bridge using the post for the ball to balance. As Cross starts to get over it, a bloody Zoran Sainovic crawls back into the ring. The Vegas natives cheer Cross on, while the rest of the crowd give words of encouragement to Sainovic’s bloody crawl. Rather than shove over the ladder, Zoran starts dragging himself up it – incredibly difficult with one arm. Arriving at the centre of his bridge, holding the post to steady himself – Cross jumps up trying to grab the scarf off the ball. It’s still far enough from reach for the attempt to be nonsensical. A second jump almost causes the precarious table to fall. Looking for a new approach, Cross passes a leg around the pole and stars trying to pull himself up that way- the table shakes.
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Zoran Sainovic pulls Cross Recoba off the post.
Magnus: Both men awkwardly standing on our announce table.
Phillips: How is it staying up?
Magnus: If it’s able to carry your dead weight Tom, it can hold up to anything!
Sainovic fires off a forearm smash, that rocks Recoba close to the edge of the table. Flash photography goes off expecting a big splash. Coming back, Recoba lays in a knife edge chop which forces Sainovic to tease the edge himself. The two men trade shot after shot – the announce table wobbling over the ladders with every blow.
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Zoran Sainovic tries for the pressure point again – but Cross Recoba side steps it, letting his rival push forwards for what should be a nasty fall. The Final Boss puts the breaks on just before the plunge. Cross then hooks him from behind-
Magnus: NOT THE TABLE!
Phillips: Belly-to-back supl-
Cross stars to pull Zoran backwards with a suplex that will send both men through the table, but before impact-
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BOOM
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The crowd erupt in applause like they were watching a New Year’s fireworks show – as the first time bomb goes off. Set charges in the four corners explode in a blinding display of white sparks. The sparks shoot a good fifteen feet up in the air, the explosion just shy of the elevated position. While protected from burns, the impact does displace the ladders and table – sending both men flying through the air. Cross is nearly cut in half by the top rope, which leaves him hanging, while Zoran’s injured arm isn’t helped by the ring post he lands on.
Phillips: JESUS C-
Magnus: Our first explosion – and we see the ball lower, what is that – five feet? Is that enough for one of them to retrieve the crown? I certainly hope so, because there is no way they’re taking another blast like that.
The crowd and applaud both men, chants going off for the extreme nature of this spot. Cross can be seen muttering obscenities for this appreciation, as he pulls himself off the rope. Still a hard time standing though. It takes Zoran longer to recover. Both men finally have their wits back about them just in time to hit a double closeline that sends them back to the canvas. Recoba is the first up, and starts to pull Sainovic into a legdrop bulldog – but Zoran hangs onto the leg, and counters it with a backdrop over the top. Recoba lands on the apron. Sainovic starts to reach for a ladder, when Cross uses the ropes to come in with a slingshot elbowsmash – but Sainovic stops it with a scorpion kick. With Cross down, its now Sainovic who sets one of the ladders back up. It still quite shy of the ball, but that’s what tiptoes are for. Slower in his climb owing to the one arm, it’s impressive that Sainovic almost makes it to the top before Cross shoves the ladder over.
Phillips: Recoba waiting just long enough that the drop sends Sainovic out to the floor- who am I kidding? Street.
Magnus: Cross always thinking. As for the ground, that’s on Zoran for not paying for padding. Seeing him in the gutter? It’s a good look.
With Sainovic out, it’s now Cross’ time to climb. Arriving close to the top, it’s clear that there is still too much of a gap to reach the pin. Again grasping the pole, Cross tries to get a firm enough grip on it to climb – though the post shakes against his weight. Outside, Zoran starts to recover – pulling glass out of his knee. Spotting Zoran, Cross tries to commit to the post – but there is very little grip to speak of. Maybe hooking a leg around- as Sainovic knocks over the ladder, Recoba commits to the post, unable to really climb, but hanging on like the drop is going to suck. Grabbing the other ladder – which is folded, Zoran uses his one arm to swing it like a bat – prodding Cross with enough force to knock him off.
Magnus: Damn it!
Phillips: Recoba down, landing HARD on the overturned ladder. Now Sainovic setting up the other one, and begins climbing-
Magnus: If Cross can’t climb that post, there is no way a cripple like Zoran-
Phillips: He may be able to knock the crown off if he gets closer, he does have a lot of chains up his sleeves.
Magnus: And zero depth perception!
Arriving at the top rung, Zoran starts to assess how much more distance he needs to cover to get the crown. This is going to take some finesse. Better wait to make sure that Cross is- why is Cross waiting outside the ring? Fuck. Zoran turns to the timer just as it reaches-
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BOOM
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The explosion sends Zoran flying, hanging onto the top rung of the ladder for dear life – but also shooting the ladder out of the ring like a projectile. Sainovic braces himself for a wave of sparks, before the ladder bounces across the ropes and sends him crashing into the ring apron.
Phillips: Recoba saw the clock – paced his return to the ring...
Magnus: Well he’s the thinking man’s wrestler of this group, versus Zoran’s human punching bag.
Phillips: Zoran in a bad way, and Cross getting back into the ring-
The ball dropping down further, almost a manageable distance from the ladder, Cross sets it up against the post again. Then for good measure, picks up a sizeable portion of unexploded announcer’s table and repeatedly brings it down across Zoran’s back. Content that the champion is out of it, The Fox stops himself and lifts Sainovic up one more time-
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Magnus: Up All Night in Dakota!!!
Phillips: Sainovic was out cold, and had no way to defend – but now?
Magnus: That was a message for sure. Despite all his Morales is someone else posturing, Sainovic has talked enough crap about Dakota Jennings since End of Days 2020, that he was due. Cross putting an exclamation point on Sainovic’s loss, with a fond memory of Dakota!
Phillips: Well Zoran is down, and the ball looks physically possible now-
Leaving Zoran in a slump across the remains of the broken announcers table, Cross repositioning the ladder, then starts to make his ascent. The ball is still high enough that it requires standing on the top rung to reach it, but now the crown is theoretically within reach. Cross leans against the pole, almost loses his footing, but leans out – the crown lapel pin within two feet of his grasp. If he leans into it further-
Phillips: He’s got it-
Magnus: UNLESS ZORAN-
Phillips: WHAT?
Magnus: Just kidding, that loser is still dead.
It’s within reach-
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BOOM
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Another explosion rocks the ring, sending Recoba over the top and smashing into the steps. On the ground floor of the explosion, Sainovic’s suit is on fire – the champ visibly smoking. The announcer table acting as a shield that kept the blast from being worse. Seemingly woken by the flames, Zoran starts to upright a ladder. It takes some time, both from existing injures and the fact that the last bomb may have concussed him. While Sainovic struggles to set up the ladder, Cross slowly crawl back up the steps.
Phillips: That ball – the scarf, the pin, the crown – finally within reach.
Magnus: That last bomb did it.
Phillips: But with both men having been rocked by these blasts, do they have anything left to climb?
Magnus: They’d better at this rate it’ll take another eight bombs to get that crown to ground level, and they don’t have another one let alone eight, in them.
With his one arm, Zoran starts to climb the ladder. Recoba crawls into the ring almost at the same speed. One eye is swollen shut from the stair hit, but Cross still has his wits about him to check the far clock for the time. The explosions are getting faster. Cross starts to shove the ladder, but doesn’t have enough strength from the last bump. Also, with the time on the clock, there is only one option – he starts climbing the opposite rungs.
Phillips: BOTH MEN CLIMBING THE SAME LADDER!
Magnus: Zoran has the head start, but with one arm? You GOT THIS Cross!
Phillips: Out of respect for our audience, can you at least pretend you’re not cheering for a rival promotion?
Magnus: Nope.
They both reach the top rung at the same time. Face to face, they start trading shots. With only the one arm, Zoran has a hard time maintaining balance while laying in forearm smashes – but he still does it. Cross eats them, only letting on how much they hurt when the bruised tissue around his eye is opened up. Recoba answers with knife edge chops – clinical, hitting broken limbs, and bloody gashes. Both men tease falling, but always use the post the ball is on to centre themselves and continue the brawl.
Magnus: HERE WE GO!
A big chop by Cross knocks Zoran back – he teases falling off the ladder, but grabs the scarf for support. The scarf that the Crown pin is attached too. Rather than let it be torn off, Cross grabs the other side, the two playing tug of war with the pin in the cent-
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BOOM
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The explosion finally causes the ladder to buckle.
Both men come crashing to the ground.
When the sparks and dust clear, they both look thoroughly exploded. Unconscious bloody stumps...
Magnus: GET UP!
Then the pole shifts, and the ball comes tumbling down twenty feet too soon.
Phillips: I guess they didn’t reinforce it.
Magnus: Or hoped to finish the match before the forth time bomb went off, with both men hanging off it like this was cirque de soleil!
Phillips: That was a reasonable expectation.
The crowd look dejected at the broken ball. Their fake New Years Eve Time Square ball drop ruined. Perhaps there is still time to run back to the hotel and watch it on television? Not if they are going to pick up blow and ladies of the evening. Damn, adulting is difficult.
Phillips: Wait is that-
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The scarf – and more importantly the diamond studded crown lapel pin – rests on the canvas a few feet away from the dead competitors.
Magnus: WAKE UP!
Phillips: This match is still on! What are you?
Magnus: You’ve got this Cross!
Without a table to keep him away from the ring, Magnus splashes some water on Recoba, waking him. Unfortunately Magnus’ shrill voice also wakes up Sainovic. The two men try to figure out where they are, and then begin to crawl, slowly, towards the scarf – leaving trails of blood behind them.
One foot after another…
...Almost within arms reach...
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DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... and STILL X*Crown Champion,
THE FINAL BOSS
ZORAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!
Magnus: For fucks sake.
Phillips: He doesn’t look ready to celebrate.
Magnus: Who could? This is the worst day ever.
Though neither man can move, the two exhausted, smoking enemies, seem to exchange words.
While the ball currently lies in the centre of the ring in twenty pieces, the timer on the far tron offers one final countdown.
10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Everyone: HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Phillips: And that is 2022 in the books! Here is hoping that 2023 provides as many magical moments from the GUNS family to yours-
Magnus: New year? Same shit! Cross was robbed!
Phillips: Look on the Brightside Magnus, there is always next year.
As Magnus mutters obscenities, the crowd start singing Auld Lang Syne. Paramedics approach ringside, helping the main eventers out.
Phillips: And that wraps up another GUNS special, I’m Tom Phillips joined by Magnus – wishing you all a very Happy New Year!
The camera pans across the capacity crowd before fading to black...