Post by Rage and Cage on Jan 5, 2023 20:11:39 GMT -5
In a Scottish park, Wesley Rage is sitting on a bench scrolling on his phone while Nicholas Honest Cage is shown hanging from the monkeybars before swinging and landing on the horse thing that rocks back and forth on a spring. Cage throws his hands up like an Olympic gymnast.
Cage: Perfect! Did I ever tell you how I invented parkour?
Rage grunts while staying focused on his phone.
Cage: It was back in the 90s. Picture it, Nic Cage in Paris leaping from building to building. They called me Spider-Man. They wanted me for the Raimi movies, but I just wasn’t interested. Spider-man’s not nearly as cool as me.
Cage works himself to standing on the horse thing, then leaps onto the monkeybars as he finishes. Rage’s eyes widen as he reads his phone. Cage takes no notice as he works his feet up to the bars. He wraps his knees around the bar, then hangs upside-down. Cage holds his arms out for approval and actually receives it from a toddler watching from a safe distance.
Cage: Thank you!
Cage turns his head to look at his brother.
Cage: It seemed like us and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable and all children are happy and beloved. I don’t know. Maybe it was Utah.
Rage just stands up and begins to march off.
Cage: Where are you going? People usually pay $1500 a ticket to watch me do this!
Rage: I’m off to the local Home Depot to murder their founder. Be back for dinner.
Rage punctuates the statement with a wave.
Cage: Do they have Home Depots in Scotland?
So no one noticed the whole “murder” thing? Okay. Anyway, that question causes Rage to pause. It’s a question that only the wise sage Google can answer. After consulting the modern wise man, Rage’s shoulders slump. He returns to the bench and pouts.
Cage: What’s wrong?
Rage snaps out of his funk to shoot an angry glare at his brother.
Rage: WHAT’S WRONG? WHAT’S WRONG?
Cage: Yes. That's what I asked! What’s wrong?
Rage: Dude, the founder of Home Depot violently assaulted all millennials and Zoomers!
Cage: Then why do I feel fine?
Rage: That so-called “Greatest Generation” capitalist pig characterized our brothers, sisters, and other siblings in our generation by calling us “too lazy”, “too fat”, and “too stupid”.
Cage: Maybe he means Aidan? Dumbass stapled his balls to his bed frame! Remember that? When he showed us, I noticed the mole on his ball sack and started calling him “Holey Moley!”
Cage laughs as Rage fumes. Cage laughs so hard he loses his grip and crashes to the foam padding that was put down in the park. The pain doesn’t register.
Cage: Oh shit, maybe I still have the picture!
As Cage pulls out his phone and begins to scroll through his pictures, Rage stands up and begins walking over to his brother.
Rage: You’re missing the bigger picture, Nic! Some privileged, old, hwite guy sucked the system dry, then put the blame on people who were in no position to affect the global economy in 2008 or 2020! He just sits on his wealth and does nothing for nobody!
Cage is still scrolling through his phone paying no mind to Rage.
Cage: Aren’t there a lot of Mexicans outside Home Depots?
Rage: Latinx, Nic!
Cage: Oh, right! Well, aren’t there a lot of ex-Latins outside Home Depots?
Rage groans.
Rage: If you mean “are there a lot of hard-working, noble, brave, and strong Latinx people looking to support their families because of how America destroyed their home country’s ability to build an economy or have a stable government?”, then yes.
Cage: Don’t they send that money back home?
Rage: It’s called “remittances”.
Cage: Yeah! Don’t they recommit that money back to their home countries?
Rage: They do.
Cage: So without Home Depot, where would they find the money to send back home?
Rage looks like he shit his pants.
Rage: Uhhhhh…THERE’S STILL LOWE’S!
Cage: You’re right, bro! Fuck that Home Depot guy!
Rage: More like Home Despot!
Rage laughs, then lifts up his phone.
Rage: I’m posting that shit!
Cage’s face beams as he finds what he was looking for!
Cage: I knew I had it! Dude, if I cropped it right, you think I could make a TikTok with Aidan’s balls as the background? Fuck it, as I said in Ghost Rider, “You cannot live in fear!”
Cage begins to crop, then has a thought.
Cage: Hey, Wes?
Rage: What?
Cage: So, if Scotland had Home Depots, you were just going to go to one and kill the first old person you saw?
Rage: I…ummm…say, Nic, you wanna tell me about Lord of War?
Cage: You know it! Just let me finish my business with Aidan’s balls!
At this point, the toddler’s mother scoops up the child and rushes away. Rage shoots her a dirty look and mutters to himself.
Rage: Too good to be ally, huh, bitch?
Cage: Perfect! Did I ever tell you how I invented parkour?
Rage grunts while staying focused on his phone.
Cage: It was back in the 90s. Picture it, Nic Cage in Paris leaping from building to building. They called me Spider-Man. They wanted me for the Raimi movies, but I just wasn’t interested. Spider-man’s not nearly as cool as me.
Cage works himself to standing on the horse thing, then leaps onto the monkeybars as he finishes. Rage’s eyes widen as he reads his phone. Cage takes no notice as he works his feet up to the bars. He wraps his knees around the bar, then hangs upside-down. Cage holds his arms out for approval and actually receives it from a toddler watching from a safe distance.
Cage: Thank you!
Cage turns his head to look at his brother.
Cage: It seemed like us and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable and all children are happy and beloved. I don’t know. Maybe it was Utah.
Rage just stands up and begins to march off.
Cage: Where are you going? People usually pay $1500 a ticket to watch me do this!
Rage: I’m off to the local Home Depot to murder their founder. Be back for dinner.
Rage punctuates the statement with a wave.
Cage: Do they have Home Depots in Scotland?
So no one noticed the whole “murder” thing? Okay. Anyway, that question causes Rage to pause. It’s a question that only the wise sage Google can answer. After consulting the modern wise man, Rage’s shoulders slump. He returns to the bench and pouts.
Cage: What’s wrong?
Rage snaps out of his funk to shoot an angry glare at his brother.
Rage: WHAT’S WRONG? WHAT’S WRONG?
Cage: Yes. That's what I asked! What’s wrong?
Rage: Dude, the founder of Home Depot violently assaulted all millennials and Zoomers!
Cage: Then why do I feel fine?
Rage: That so-called “Greatest Generation” capitalist pig characterized our brothers, sisters, and other siblings in our generation by calling us “too lazy”, “too fat”, and “too stupid”.
Cage: Maybe he means Aidan? Dumbass stapled his balls to his bed frame! Remember that? When he showed us, I noticed the mole on his ball sack and started calling him “Holey Moley!”
Cage laughs as Rage fumes. Cage laughs so hard he loses his grip and crashes to the foam padding that was put down in the park. The pain doesn’t register.
Cage: Oh shit, maybe I still have the picture!
As Cage pulls out his phone and begins to scroll through his pictures, Rage stands up and begins walking over to his brother.
Rage: You’re missing the bigger picture, Nic! Some privileged, old, hwite guy sucked the system dry, then put the blame on people who were in no position to affect the global economy in 2008 or 2020! He just sits on his wealth and does nothing for nobody!
Cage is still scrolling through his phone paying no mind to Rage.
Cage: Aren’t there a lot of Mexicans outside Home Depots?
Rage: Latinx, Nic!
Cage: Oh, right! Well, aren’t there a lot of ex-Latins outside Home Depots?
Rage groans.
Rage: If you mean “are there a lot of hard-working, noble, brave, and strong Latinx people looking to support their families because of how America destroyed their home country’s ability to build an economy or have a stable government?”, then yes.
Cage: Don’t they send that money back home?
Rage: It’s called “remittances”.
Cage: Yeah! Don’t they recommit that money back to their home countries?
Rage: They do.
Cage: So without Home Depot, where would they find the money to send back home?
Rage looks like he shit his pants.
Rage: Uhhhhh…THERE’S STILL LOWE’S!
Cage: You’re right, bro! Fuck that Home Depot guy!
Rage: More like Home Despot!
Rage laughs, then lifts up his phone.
Rage: I’m posting that shit!
Cage’s face beams as he finds what he was looking for!
Cage: I knew I had it! Dude, if I cropped it right, you think I could make a TikTok with Aidan’s balls as the background? Fuck it, as I said in Ghost Rider, “You cannot live in fear!”
Cage begins to crop, then has a thought.
Cage: Hey, Wes?
Rage: What?
Cage: So, if Scotland had Home Depots, you were just going to go to one and kill the first old person you saw?
Rage: I…ummm…say, Nic, you wanna tell me about Lord of War?
Cage: You know it! Just let me finish my business with Aidan’s balls!
At this point, the toddler’s mother scoops up the child and rushes away. Rage shoots her a dirty look and mutters to himself.
Rage: Too good to be ally, huh, bitch?