GUNS Xecutive Decision - A Martin Luther King Day Special
Jan 18, 2023 2:13:35 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 4 more like this
Post by mosler on Jan 18, 2023 2:13:35 GMT -5
XHF presents
Xecutive Decision
Kanyon / Sainovic II
A GUNS Martin Luther King Day Special
A drone flies over the capacity crowd of GUNS Arena. The half of the fans that aren’t decked out in XHF Shockmaster gear are wearing BANG merchandise in anticipation of the main event. The nature of a federation in which eighty percent of the roster doesn’t have entrances, means that there are already wrestlers in the ring. Also technical issues may have wiped half of this show. Beware of Dog. Rather than get straight to the action, the camera moves past the ring to the sturdy looking announcer’s table.
Phillips: Welcome fans a very special episode of GUNS! After tearing the house down at Black Friday – in a match that ultimately instigated the BANG Civil War – we are once again set to unify the Fireside world title into the X*Crown when Curtis D. Kanyon challenges Zoran Sainovic! This is Xecutive Decision! As always I’m Tom Phillips, genuinely surprised to once again be joined by Magnus-
Magnus: Why would you be surprised? I don’t care if Zoran is footing the bill, it’s my federation damn it!
Phillips: Given how low you hold it though-
Magnus: What miss finally watching Zoran drop the crown? I wouldn’t miss it, and trust me when I say I have his pink slip waiting.
Phillips: Fair enough – well let’s throw it over to the ring where are Streaming Division is tearing it up-
STREAMING DIVISION
THREE WAY DANCE
Netflix Warrior vs. Rocket Roku vs. The Primal Amazonian
(JOINED IN PROGRESS)
After hitting his twentieth powerslam, Netflix Warrior shakes the ropes, and then charges out of the ring like the match is over. Rocket Roku is basically a pancake from the roided out Streaming Ace’s offence, which leaves him open to the Blue Order.
Winner: The Primal Amazonian
Phillips: What a match! That is why the Stream Division is the talk of the wrestling world.
Magnus: I hear Jason Long tried to get into it, but he was a bootleg.
Phillips: It’s a shame the viewers at home missed most of it... and the seven other matches we’ve had thus far.
Magnus: So the broadcast started a little late. Is it my fault if Zoran can’t communicate properly with the production van?
Phillips: It is if you’re consciously sending contradictory messages.
Magnus: Well, it’s a good test run. The boys can put these matches on again at an official GUNS numbered episode, where I’m sure they’ll have worked out all the kinks.
While the announcers bicker about Magnus tanking the show, a luchador dressed as an alligator searches the ring apron for copper wire that he can melt down.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Florida Man: Looking for a job. Way too much sexual harassment with my current employer, so I needs to find a new less trollishly horny federation to ply my trade.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: It just so happens, I represent a federation that might be looking-
Florida Man: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! You hiring?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Show me what you’ve got!
Try Out Match
Florida Man vs. Rival Recruiter Ozawa
Your Mother Lovin’ Florida Man drinks ninety-two bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Rival Recruiter Ozawa makes a note on his phone. Belching, Florida Man forgets where he is and takes the recruiter’s head off with a lariat. Teeth are lost. 1. 2. 3.
Winner: Florida Man
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: That’s a great act, what do you call it?
Florida Man: The Aristocrats!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I can honestly say you are JUST what we’re looking for!
Florida Man: You mean it?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: WELCOME TO J-ROK!
Florida Man: Wait, J-Rok? I’m already there. Fuck J-RoK. I want to jump ship to GUNS. Not Fight Club though, unless I gets to captain my own team. Gotta be better than Fox, right? I imagine Copycat, Cheez, Tinto, Javier, and Mongo would be on it – sort of like them Avengers... great lakes edition.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (looking embarrassed): I only have hiring pull with J-RoK.
Infuriated, Your Friendly Neighborhood Florida Man hits Ozawa with another lariat that leaves him lying in a pool of his own teeth. Collecting the copper wire, an indignant Florida Man heads off to turn the GUNS Arena men’s room into a meth lab.
Phillips: Poor Florida Man, getting hired by J-RoK twice.
Magnus: I tell you, that Ozawa does more to keep riffraff out of GUNS than anyone – he really is the best.
TEXAS TORNADO MATCH
BEAR WITH ME (Redmond Fury & UrsusLa) vs. BEEF & Space Amoeba Larry
Phillips: What a grudge match- and the monster you have teaming with BEEF? He must have cost a pretty penny.
Magnus: What can I say, when it comes to getting revenge on my EX, I spared no expense-
Phillips: I’m glad we were able to broadcast this, because it is shaping up to be something special-
After months of anticipation, Redmond Fury and BEEF finally throw down-
THE FOLLOWING VERBAL CEASE AND DESIST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NEW DISNEY WORLD ORDER.
(We see Marty Donovan dressed in a fancy suit and standing on the deck of Tiana’s riverboat. To the left of Marty is the GUNS Streaming Wars Battle Royal Trophy he won last show. To his right is a giant portrait of MLK Junior on an easel. The true world championship, gold and rose pink, is strapped around his waist.)
Marty: You know, this has always been my favorite holiday. Sure, Christmas and Halloween are fun. This means so much more though. Today isn’t about tacky presents or binge eating. No, today is about honoring all the true kings named Martin who have made our world better.
(Marty looks at the portrait fondly.)
Marty: No doubt the good doctor would be proud to see me continuing his important work. Sure, one of us is a civil rights activist and the other a streaming service pitchman, but those are just different paths to the same promise land. We were both driven to put smiles on children's faces.
(Marty frowns.)
Marty: That is why I am so disappointed that a child, my own son practically, has chosen this sacred day to betray me.
(Marty holds up a tablet that plays a particular CAR promo with a particular fake orphan.)
Tinto: Thank you Mister Zoran, you are my favorite Disney princess!
(Marty shatters the tablet against the boat railing and then chucks it into the water.)
Marty: ZORAN SAINOVIC IS NOT A FUCKING DISNEY PRINCESS!
(Enraged, Marty fumbles through his suit coat for two photos that he holds up. One picture shows Ollie Oldham, dressed as Rapunzel in Disney World, having to fake happiness as a toddler pukes up a Mickey bar on her. The other photo is just Beric Dondarrion from Game of Thrones, but Marty pasted in a few Serbian flags and grizzly bears for good measure.)
Marty: Disney princesses are inspiring women, as beautiful as they are powerful, between the ages of 18 and 27. Zoran Sainovic is a bitter, crippled thug. That old man’s claim to fame is ripping off SWAT. He’s Bernie Madoff voiced by Pepe the king prawn.
(Marty puts one photo away and tosses the other into the water.)
Marty: Zoran, how do you plan to be a Disney princess when I’ve banned your ass from all six parks? Buying Tinto every version of DOOM in existence won’t change that. Let’s get one thing clear. I hate you. I hate you more than Haven. I almost hate you as much as I do Cain. If you ever step inside my home again, be that of the Magical or Hardkore variety, there will be serious repercussions.
(Marty looks into the camera as the shot fades out.)
Marty: Better start selling your family on that SeaWorld trip, Zoran.
The signal cuts back to the main feed just in time for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: WHOA. WHAT A MATCH! The winners of this contest- Redmond Fury, UrsusLa – the team of BEAR WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience lose their shit for the crowd favourites as “REAL AMERICAN” starts to pump over the PA system. Outside the ring BEEF looks ready to kill someone, while Space Amoeba Larry does his best to hold his partner back.
Magnus: THEY WERE ROBBED!
Phillips: Redmond Fury sending a message – what an incredible match. That’s my vote for GUNS match of the year!
Magnus: THIS ISN’T OVER!
Phillips: But if it is- what a note to end it on!
A mob of security tries to keep BEEF and Fury from starting things up again. Bear with Me pose for the crowd, before finally heading towards the back.
Phillips: Well fans I don’t know how they are going to follow what we just saw, but it looks like that time...
Magnus: Anthony Caffrey ran Fireside wrestling ran from October 7th, 2020 to May, 27th 2022 – and during those twenty months it was one of the dominant forces on the XHF Network.
Phillips: Tonight we pay tribute to the federation by incorporating their world title into the X*Crown.
Magnus: God I hope Kanyon beats his brains out to take it...
The camera pans through the capacity crowd of GUNS Arena, before coming to rest on Sylvia Starr in the ring.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is the MAIN EVENT, it will be held under HARDCORE RULES, and is a UNIFICATION match with the Fireside Heavyweight championship on the line against the XHF X*Crown!
The crowd explode in anticipation. A video package shows highlights of various Fireside championship matches – before fading in on a graphic showing the final champion opposite The Final Boss.
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first, the challenger, and FINAL Fireside heavyweight champion! Hailing from Washington, D.C. - he weighs in at 271 pounds and stands at 5’7”! Please give a warm GUNS welcome to...
The Breaker of Worlds
The Archangel
The Real F'n Deal
The People's Champ
The Imitator of Violence
The King of Xtreme
That Former President of the United States...
CURTIS KAAAAANYON!
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30-second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside heavyweight title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He walks down to the ring, nodding to the fans. Curtis then climbs into the ring and goes to the turnbuckles. He climbs a turnbuckle and points to the crowd with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air! He jumps down and gives his hammer to the ref, ready for action.
Phillips: These two tore the house down at our Black Friday show, only for the finish to be thrown out following a run-in by Steve Awesome.
Magnus: With the hardcore rules – Zoran isn’t escaping with a lousy DQ this time.
Phillips: Kanyon certainly looks ready for business.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, OUR champion... standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. His left eye sports a patch thanks to his recent defences. The positive reaction is still a little unnerving, but Sainovic smiles politely – wandering towards the ring in sync to the music with a killer swagger.
Phillips: Zoran still sporting an eye patch from the gruesome defense against Kris Quake.
Magnus: This is his ninth defence since winning the crown at End of Days, he might be the luckiest bastard on the Network, but he’s gone to the well too many times.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Reaching up with his good hand, Sainovic removes the lapel pin that represents the titles – handing it to referee Luke Langley. Langley holds the pin up to Kanyon, then the Fireside championship to Zoran, before handing both to a waiting attendant. The crowd are at a fever pitch, as Sainovic and Kanyon stare across at each other.
X*CROWN / FIRESIDE CHAMPIONSHIP
UNIFICATION MATCH
HARDCORE RULES
Zoran Sainovic (c) vs. Curtis D. Kanyon (c)
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Last time out these two really-
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Magnus: BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Phillips: Just like we saw with Goldbear II, Curtis trying to win the match in the opening seconds with his devastating Bang-
Magnus: And there’s the pin- wait, what?
No sooner does Kanyon hit his devastating spear on Sainovic then he goes limp. Both men hit the canvas, though to say Zoran felt the full force of the BANG would be a lie. Referee Luke Langley starts to go for a three count, when Zoran shoves Kanyon off of him. Sainovic starts to go for a pin...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only to stop, shifting his weight. Having a hard time breathing, Sainovic untucks his shirt, and pulls out a metal plate.
Phillips: The Final Boss had the BANG scouted! He saw what Kanyon tried in that Bear Necessities match, and came prepared!
Magnus: What a miserable cheater!
Phillips: Hardcore rules. Look at that metal plate, it’s actually collapsed from the impact. No wonder Kanyon is out cold. Hell, even covered up – Zoran may have had a rib broken.
Tossing the plate to the side, a pained Zoran holds his right side – but still leans back into a cover-
Magnus: Not like this-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Kickout! That was close-
Favouring his ribs, but trying to stay on the offence – Sainovic nails a few choice kneestrikes to force the downed Kanyon towards the far ropes. Kicking the metal plate over, Zoran sets Kanyon up for a-
Phillips: Dead Drop DDT into that metal plate! Kanyon busted wide open! And this time Zoran is able to hook the leg-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TH-
Magnus: YES! Kanyon with a fistful of ropes!
Zoran starts to apply a Friendly Conversation ’18, but Kanyon won’t let go of the ropes. Sainovic puts the boots to the former president in an effort to loosen his grip, but CDK absorbs it – and pulls himself out to the floor. He almost falls over, but manages to balance himself – holding the apron for support.
Phillips: Kanyon to the outside, trying to regroup- initial BANG strategy not working out, and needing a breather to- Zoran with a baseball slide!
At the last second, Kanyon side steps it – leaving Zoran to slide out to the floor, but before Sainovic feet touch the ground, The Real F’n Deal has him pulled into a sidewalk slam onto the concrete floor. Kanyon stomps a hole in the X*Crown champion, while lifting the ring curtain to look for plunder. Producing a table – Kanyon starts to set it up – only to hit a picture perfect suplex... on the table, into the downed Zoran. CRACK. It shatters. As the former commissioner tries to roll out of the wooden wreckage, Kanyon kicks away at the broken arm while setting up a second table.
Phillips: The moment Kanyon demanded Hardcore rules; you knew all psychology was going to be thrown out the window. One table down, and here comes another one- what is that- liter fluid?
Magnus: Curtis dousing that second table in liter fluid – if Zoran thought his fireplace symbolism was cute, wait till he gets sent face first through a flaming table!
CDK stops, looking for a match. Before he gets a chance to light the table up, Zoran clears the wreckage with a rolling koppu kick. Grabbing a stake sized shard off the broken table, Zoran stabs it into Kanyon’s bloody forehead. CDK responds with a headbutt, which further drives the stake into his face – but also opens Sainovic hard. A second headbutt almost slices the eye patch off. A third causes both men to explode like they hit some veins they shouldn’t have... it also leaves them weak in the knees. Sainovic starts to go for a forearm smash, but Kanyon hooks the arm – and whips Zoran hard into the guardrail. TWACK. Sainovic staggers off, where Kanyon looks to be waiting for a powerslam – but instead Zoran blindly throws a palm strike with enough force that it knocks the wood out of CDK’s face. Taking the shot as a challenge, Kanyon responds with a hard right of his own. Soon both men are trading rapid-fire fists, as they circle around the ringside area.
Phillips: Wild brawl – and I have to say, despite only having the use of one arm, Sainovic holding his own with the larger Kanyon.
Magnus: His glove is loaded.
Phillips: That’d do it-
Magnus: Don’t dismiss the fact that you just saw Curtis take thirty brass knuckle shots and roar back – it’s damned impressive.
Ringside is painted red, as the fisticuffs have left both men looking more like raw hamburger than human beings. Sainovic finally busts out one of his PRESSURE POINTS, only for Kanyon to sidestep it – leaving only the ring post. DING! Before Sainovic has a chance to check if his hand in broken, the bigger man whips him hard into the steel steps. THWACK!
Phillips: Sainovic nearly dislodging those steps, and here comes-
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Magnus: BANG!!!!!!!!!!
CDK follows in with another BANG attempt, but Sainovic leapfrogs over leaving the steps to take the brunt of the punishment. CRASH!
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The power knocks the steps through the air, if not for the guardrail they’d take out the audience.
Phillips: Jesus – if Zoran didn’t have that scouted, he’d be paste right now.
Magnus: The Bear Necessities title meant the world to Kanyon; he’s out for blood!
As CDK tries to peel himself off the steps, Sainovic catches him with a running kneelift. Grabbing a headlock, Zoran starts to drag Kanyon back towards the ring – only to be lifted up, and rammed into the guardrail with a makeshift spinebuster. Zoran lays in some clubbing forearm shots to make the larger man let go, but these are answered with a closeline that knocks the older man into the audience.
Phillips: Zoran sent over the guardrail into the crowd-
Magnus: There was a time when the GUNS faithful would tear him apart, but these days? Nothing but pats on the back – the ingrates.
Phillips: Kanyon following Sainovic out there, stops to kiss a baby – always the politician!
A horrified mother takes the infant back from the shambling gore that is The Imitator of Violence. Kanyon returns to his prey just in time to eat a chairshot. The one arm swing is a little awkward, so CDK recovers quickly. Grabbing a chair of his own, Kanyon bring it up just in time to block the next shot. Soon the two champions are heading up the stairs, deeper into the audience, with duelling chairs.
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The chair swinging war finally comes to an end in the special section that has been roped off for the former presidents. Even here the chair swinging would continue except that Former President Obama accidentally gets a ConChaitTo...
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Yeah, that went over about as well as you’d expect – with both men being pelted with garbage.
Magnus: How dare Zoran assault Kanyon’s first family entourage- fans, I get, but VIPS?
Phillips: With all due respect, that was clearly an accident.
Magnus: Let the rotten vegetables fly!
As Kanyon checks on Obama, the rest of the presidents jump Sainovic. George W busts out his trusty can of bear mace-
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Only Zoran ducks – leaving Boris Johnson to swim in the stream of “illegal to use on humans” mace. Even though it’s clearly an accident, George W lets the spray continue a solid thirty seconds after Johnson’s screams of agony have made the mistake obvious. What a kidder.
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George stops chuckling when Sainovic introduces a knife to his side.
Phillips: That won the crowd back.
Magnus: The trolls.
As the third world leader hits the ground, Kanyon turns his attention back to Zoran, knocking him down with a big boot. Stacking three chairs on top of each other so that they form a pyramid, CDK puts ZS through these with an Oklahoma slam. Curtis then calls for a World Breaker – only as he reaches down, a knife catches him in the gut. God he prays that George W doesn’t have anything. Doubled over from the gut wound, Kanyon prove the perfect stand for Zoran to leap off of-
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Diving into Kanyon’s G8 entourage with a flying crossbody block which takes them all down.
Magnus; Don’t cheer that you morons, you’ll only encourage him-
Phillips: Where is the secret service when you need them?
Sainovic doesn’t have time to admire his handiwork before Kanyon drags him into a Vicious Spiral onto the concrete. CDK follows it with a few elbow drops before realizing that Zoran is too unconscious to feel anything. Looking at the sorry state of his entourage, Kanyon decides to take the action back to the ring. Grabbing Zoran by the ankle, Kanyon starts to drag him down the steps – the back of Sainovic’s head hitting one step after another. The two leave a trail of blood behind them. As they get closer to the ground level, a particularly nasty bump rouses Zoran from his comatose stupor. Incensed, The Final Boss knocks the The People’s Champ off him with a thrust kick to the rusty knife wound. Trading kick for punch, the two battered figures recommence brawling around in the crowd.
Magnus: Watching this, one thing has become clear to me-
Phillips: What's that Magnus?
Magnus: If Anthony Caffrey had put the world title on Kanyon, Fireside would still be with us today. It's outrageous that it took the federation closing to utilize his potential.
Phillips: He certainly is whipping the X*Crown champion in impressive fashion. Seems like those two have spilt blood across the entire arena-
Magnus: Not nearly enough, Zoran is still moving-
Phillips: Wait they’re coming this way-
Magnus: Watch it you-
#BUMP#
A running bulldog gets both men over the guardrail back to ringside, with an airborne Zoran driving Curtis face first into the announce table!
Magnus: Stupid Motherfu-
The table doesn’t break, leaving Kanyon to lie in a heap on top of it – while Zoran heads for the ring.
Magnus: Where do you get off-
Phillips: He’s coming back!
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Zoran dives off the apron with an asai moonsault- only for Kanyon to roll out of the way at the last second.
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The table once again doesn’t break – but Sainovic brushes Magnus enough to set off another volley of expletives.
Phillips: I’m really impressed with this table-
Magnus: I had it reinforced. It costs more than you… no wait-
Climbing up on the table, CDK starts to set Zoran up for a World Breaker, only made awkward by the fact that he can only underhook one arm-
Phillips: Will the table stand up to this?
Magnus: If it doesn’t we’re ruined-
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Sainovic reverses it with a backdrop- only for Kanyon to hang on – them both tumbling down onto the tabletop. Miraculously the table once again doesn’t break.
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…for like a good five seconds, before the legs completely give out. While the resulting CRASH does cause Magnus to impersonate a sailor, it also cuts out the microphones so we don’t hear it. Climbing out of the broken table, neither man willing to sell the pain – instead they start throwing expensive looking gear. Television monitors get thrown like dodge ball as they both attempt the herculean task of standing upright. Eventually they slowly make it into the ring.
#BUMP#
Phillips: a u er e?
Magnus: ...
Phillips: Can you hear me-
Magnus: ...
Phillips: No, you’re not coming through. Can you hear- can- I’d like to dig take your niece to a movie.
Magnus: SHE’S FOURTEEN YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Phillips: And we’re back! Sorry for the technical delays-
Magnus: My beautiful table.
Phillips: Speaking of back – Zoran and Kanyon are once again in the ring.
The two men charge at each other, with Zoran trying to snap off a pressure point, only for CDK to roll away, then through it, suckering Sainovic into a-
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Magnus: KANYON CUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Zoran getting a foot in the ropes.
Magnus: We were so close!
Phillips: You know Sainovic had that one scouted, but at this point, with that much blood in his eye- it’s hard to see what is coming next.
Magnus: Vision has nothing to do with it. Three people pinned Zoran in 2022, and two of them were BANG Bros. BANG is apparently kryptonite for that Serbian monster, and Kanyon is going to make it three for three tonight!
Always one to steal a finisher, Kanyon starts to lift Sainovic over with a high angle gutwrench suplex-
Magnus: Here comes THE PAIN!
Phillips: Kanyon imitating moves that Zoran can’t even hit himself anymore-
Magnus: The cover is academic-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Are you kidding me?
Phillips: Foot once again in the ropes. Kanyon keeping his cool though, once again calling for the Vicious Spiral – this did a real number on Zoran in the crowd, will it be enough to put him-
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Phillips: REVERSED INTO A- NAME?
Magnus: Oh no, you want to acknowledge Zoran offence; you learn the move names yourself.
Phillips: Well it looked DEVESTATING, and The Final Boss with a hook of the leg-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-BIG KICKOUT!
Magnus: It’s going to take a lot more than that. Curtis only gets manhandled by bears, and given the current state of him – I could kick Zoran’s ass.
Phillips: I'm surprised you haven't challenged him yet.
Magnus: I've got a company to run, besides its not like Zoran is going to survive Curtis.
Phillips: How do you figure?
Magnus: HCW. NCW. Fireside already - when it comes to unifying titles into the crown, Zoran is jinxed. If Fireside is becoming the 23rd jewel, then Curtis D. Kanyon is the man to pull it off!
Phillips: The Final Boss locking in his patented Friendly Conversation ’22.
Magnus: Damn it-
Phillips: Kanyon no where near the ropes, even if he got to them, under Hardcore rules, Sainovic isn’t obligated to break. The former president defiant of the referee’s requests for a submission- but how long can he hold on-
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Spike Kane hits the ring, breaking the hold with a double axe-handle chop.
Phillips: SPIKE KANE! CURTIS D. KANYON’S FELLOW BANG BROTHER MAKING THE SAVE-
Sainovic turns to greet this new party-
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Magnus: THUNDERSTRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoran’s eye rolls back in his head, and he shakes violently, spasming uncontrollably on the canvas in the wake of Kane’s murderous stunner.
Magnus: Kane beat Sainovic at Call to Arms, and he’s beating him now! MY GOD WHAT A THUNDERSTRUCK!
Kanyon seems groggy, but before he can register thanks, Kane rolls him on top of the crown holder-
Phillips: NO!
Magnus: YES!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psyche. Centimeters from the referee’s hand slapping the canvas for a third time, something yanks Kanyon off Sainovic. Kanyon looks down to complain-
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Goldbear II has him by the boot.
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Magnus: THAT’S CHEATING!
Phillips: After Zoran helped him on New Years; it looks like GoldBear II is returning the favour-
Spike Kane tries to stop the giant bear from entering the ring, only to narrowly avoid another death. Kanyon jumps up to his feet- only to take a PAW to the chest. Now a paw to the chest might not sound like much – but the razor sharp claws leave three vicious gashes running two feet down Kanyon’s abdomen. He starts to try to hold his entrails in, but so much blood has been lost, the former president soon passes out. With both Kanyon and Sainovic down, this just leaves Spike to taste the bear’s wrath.
Magnus: Spike Kane hell portalling out of there for all he’s worth!
Only he doesn’t go that far. He wants to celebrate Kanyon’s X*Crown win with him. Twenty feet seems reasonable. Only Spike doesn’t count on how fast a bear can bound- and soon has to open a second hell portal to get away...
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...only GoldBear II follows him into the portal.
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Magnus: He’d better bring my bear back in one piece.
Phillips: Both competitors down in the ring, Kanyon looks dead from that GoldBear assault... wait... Zoran managing to get an arm over-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
Centimeters from the referee’s hand slapping the canvas for a third time, something jumps off the top rope- fortunately landing on top of Zoran to break the cover.
Magnus: 630 SENTON! HOW SWEET IT IS!
Phillips: El Combatiente the next BANG Bro to show Kanyon his support- I thought he was better than this.
Magnus: It doesn't get any better than this! He’s just avenging poor Javier...
Phillips: Keep telling yourself that.
Rather than attack Sainovic further, Combatiente seems content to break the pin – and checks on Kanyon who is bleeding profusely from the bear gash. Kanyon looks ready to attack Zoran again, when Combatiente points to the earlier table. The luchador then hands CDK a lighter. The crowd cheer as Kanyon flicks open the lighter and tosses it on the table.
Magnus: A fitting end to the Fireside legacy, with Zoran being burnt to a crisp.
Phillips: Kanyon can barely stand, but taking Sainovic out to the apron-
As CDK struggles, EC looks ready to help him...
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When suddenly a large portion of the GUNS locker room come out of the back.
Magnus: What are they doing here? No wait-
Apparently Zoran’s good guy shtick has won a few of them over, as the angry mob starts to chase El Combatiente away from ringside. EC makes a break for the confection area, with Redmond Fury, L.A. Wombat, Unboxed Ken, and the entire Streaming Wars crew in hot pursuit.
Phillips: That is quite the angry mob.
Magnus: I’ve got pink slips for all of them!
Phillips: Poor EC. It almost seems like Spike got off easy-
A hell portal appears with Spike running through it into another hell portal, unfortunately the bear is still after him.
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Before any of these spectacles can distract from the real blood bath, Curtis dives off the apron – putting Zoran through the flaming table with a piledriver! The CDK chants come fast and furious!
Magnus: YEAH BOY!
Phillips: Kanyon crashing through the flaming table at ringside, just destroyed Sainovic… but does he have the strength to capitalize?
Both man spasm in the smouldering wreckage... but after a moment, Curtis powers through. Grabbing Sainovic by the throat, Kanyon rolls him into the ring – then slides in enough to throw an arm over.
Phillips: Kanyon getting Sainovic back in there- and after that- this has to be it-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: SLOW COUNT!
Phillips: A kickout is a kickout.
Magnus: Wait, Kanyon lifting Sainovic up – throwing him into the corner like a rag doll. Could we see another BANG? PLEASE!
Looping his functioning arm over a rope, Kanyon tries to set the limp Sainovic up against the far corner. He takes a few steps away for the BANG- only for Zoran to slump to the canvas. Holding his torn open guts in pain, an irritated Kanyon heads back to set him up again when-
Phillips: PRESSURE POINT!
Magnus: God damn-
Phillips: Sainovic rolling Kanyon up-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-foot in the ropes.
Rising, Zoran starts to stomp his foot – calling for the BOSS RUSH. Flashbulbs start going off in the arena in anticipation.
Phillips: HERE IT COMES!
Magnus: STAY DOWN KANYON!
Phillips: Kanyon getting to his feet, and Zoran charging in-
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Naturally right before impact, Steve Awesome finds the back of Zoran’s skull with a sledgehammer.
Phillips: They come in four.
Magnus: ONE LAST BANG BROTHER UP KANYON’S SLEEVE! DID YOU EVER THINK YOU’D BE THIS HAPPY TO SEE STEVE AWESOME?
Phillips: Frankly, I’m still not. This is how their last match ended!
Magnus: Yeah, only this time Steve’s legal – no need for a Bang Brawl!
Kanyon and Steve nod at each other.
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Sadly they are so caught up in their BANGliness that neither notices the coolest Cyborg alive as he slides into the ring. The flashbulbs keep going as Dylan nails Kanyon in the back of the head with a sledgehammer of his own.
Magnus: DYLAN BLACK IS THE WORST!
Phillips: He’s representing you at Supremacy-
Magnus: Don’t rub it in!
Livid, Steve swings his sledgehammer – only for Dylan to swing his own. The two striking together lead to a lot of sparks, with one hammer hitting the canvas, while the other beats the remains of the dead commentary table. Weaponless, the two men do what they do best; beat the ever-loving shit out of one another.
Phillips: Super Frenemy coming to Zoran’s aid, and now Dylan Black and Steve Awesome are brawling out of the ring.
Magnus: Security!
Phillips: These two men are both going after the crown at Supremacy; the only question is which of the participants will defend against them.
In the ring, both Zoran and Curtis lie in pools of their own blood. As the crowd cheer both their names, there are some signs of life. The two men crawling around... eventually Zoran finds the ropes and starts dragging himself up. Curtis on the other hand finds a different object to steady himself.
Phillips: Kanyon with the sledgehammer-
Magnus: Batter up!
“GET OVER HERE!”
Doing his best Scorpion impression, Zoran shoots a chain bound kunai out of his sleeve at the former president. Swinging the hammer, CDK bats the kunai away – grabs the chain and pulls Zoran into a vicious sledge strike to the ribs. #CRACK# A second sledgehammer swing catches Zoran on his broken arm, and knocks him back.
Magnus: He’s got nothing left.
Phillips: Kanyon swinging that sledgehammer with authority.
Standing on the chain for leverage, Sainovic tosses it again – Kanyon sidesteps the kunai, but that was not the intention. Looping it around, Zoran charges in, getting a fistful of chain and wrapping it around Kanyon’s throat. As the chain pulls tight, the two man now too close for any big shots, Curtis peppers away at Zoran with small sledgehammer shots. Each one almost causing Zoran to give up the grasp, yet he hangs on.
Philips: Zoran managing to lock that chain in tight - like a noose.
Magnus: Curtis might be on a string, but Zoran's the one that is getting pounded like a piñata!
The two men seem trapped in a death lock. There is chaos all around them. In one corner of the arena, Steve Awesome and Dylan Black engage in a brawl just as violent and fierce as the opening moments of this fight. Spike continues to try to distract GoldBear II from a CDK sandwich, portaging the beast further away from the ring. EC is now climbing up a balcony while a pitch fork waving GUN Army hunt after him. Yet for all the madness, time slows down in the ring.
Magnus: Look at those shots - KILL HIM, CURTIS!
Phillips: Don't underestimate how tight that chain is...
Kanyon starts to turn purple, despite the crimson mask, and one eye almost pops out of his head from the pressure. Both men lean in the corner, barely able to stand, but Zoran keeps choking, and Kanyon keeps swinging.
Phillips: The way that chain has them tied in the ropes- one of them could die and they’d still be standing-
Magnus: Yeah, but which one!
SLAM. SLAM. ...SLAM. THUD. The sledgehammer finally drops to the canvas, as Curtis no longer has the oxygen going to the brain to maintain his grip. As the battery stops, the adrenaline that kept Zoran pulling also seems to fade. Until both men look like their unconscious, leaning against one another.
The chain goes slack.
As it does, the two men slump forward.
Both men knocked out.
...but one having the good fortune to slump on top of the other.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Wait what-
Phillips: What did we just see?
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... and STILL X*Crown champion, Zoran Sainovic!
The crowd pop hard for this epic bloodletting, applauding both men's efforts, while Sylvia’s words fall on deaf ears with both competitors still out.
Magnus: fuck.
Phillips: Both men took each other to the limit – at the end of the day, it really came down to luck that Zoran was the one that fell on top.
Magnus: Luckiest sorry son of a bitch in the history of the world – god I hate that bastard.
Phillips: Anyone who watched this match, Kanyon did Fireside proud – and from what we’ve seen tonight, if he wants to reclaim the X*Crown, it’s well within grasp.
Magnus: Can’t happen soon enough-
Phillips: But for now, Zoran survives again and will be heading for Supremacy. What a war- fans we are out of time!
Magnus: From GUNS Arena in Atlanta – hometown of Martin Luther King – thank you for spending this holiday with us.
As the audience starts chanting “GUNS” the camera pans past the unconscious participants to the gore soaked canvas before fading to black.