British Champions of the World, then Tag Team Champions! 1/2
Feb 11, 2023 9:57:26 GMT -5
"The High Roller" Wesley Crane likes this
Post by Rage and Cage on Feb 11, 2023 9:57:26 GMT -5
The scene opens up in a penthouse suite in Wesley Crane’s Syracuse casino. Nicolas Honest Cage walks into the shot while pounding some champagne straight from the bottle. He pours it on his head and screams.
Cage: This isn’t quite as good as Oscar Night 1996, but it’s close!
Wesley Rage marches into the room and looks at his brother with disgust.
Rage: What are you celebrating?
Cage: It was a great night for the High Rollers Club! Mr. Crane finally won the WUK World Title! He’s the British Champion of the World! That makes us British Champions of the World!
Cage shakes up the champagne and sprays it on his brother while whooping and yelling.
Rage: The grapes in this champagne better have been sustainably harvested!
Cage stops to read the bottle.
Cage: Oh yeah, it’s French.
Rage grumbles at Cage’s non-answer and wipes the alcohol out of his hair. He walks over to the couch and sits down.
Rage: Why are you happy about any of this? First, Wesley Crane winning another trophy isn’t something to celebrate. In case you haven’t noticed, another rich guy getting what he wants isn’t what I’m about. Second, we have been set up in this temple to capitalism! Nic, look around! This is bougie!
Cage looks around and smiles.
Cage: Yes, it is,
Rage: THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING!
Rage stands up and leans against the ceiling to floor window that gives a stunning view of manicured grounds. If you book in the fall, it looks even better. Such beauty at a price that reflects just how beautiful it is.
Rage: All this money just to make more money! It’s offensive! We’re trapped in this!
Cage: Couldn’t we just leave? No one says we have to stay here. Mr. Crane just gave this to us for being in the High Rollers. I bet we could move out and go to a hostel.
Rage is caught off-guard, but hides it by continuing to look out the window.
Rage: We…uh…well, we just moved our stuff in! We’d look silly if we immediately left! Plus…er…the training facility is here. We’d have to travel by some vehicle that produces carbon. Staying lowers our carbon footprint!
Cage types on his phone, then looks at his brother.
Cage: No problem! Syracuse has plenty of bike paths. We stay at the hostel, then bike here to train! We can also fly commercial to Seattle and avoid using Mr. Crane’s private plane since I know you hate how bad it is for the environment.
Rage: He’s already taking the plane, so us being on it doesn’t really change anything.
Cage: That’s true.
Rage: Plus I’d hate for us not to look like team players.
Cage: We are all about teamwork! Also, we can still do the hostel and bike thing!
Rage: I’ve thought about it. Great idea, by the way. But I just thought that by giving us this room, Crane can’t profit off it. We’re not making the rich any richer by staying here.
Cage: I think it’s a tax write-off for him.
Rage: Well, one can never know. We’ll put this suite to good use. Destroy the machine from the inside, you know?
Cage: Yeah, we can always do that.
Rage: Also, maybe Crane winning the title isn’t a bad thing. He’s not worse than Fowler. Also, the title can be considered community property! We’ll appropriate the title! You’re right! We are the WUK World Champions!
Cage: British Champions of the World!
Rage: But that match in LA still pisses me off. Losing to that hulking farm boy is a real hwite mark on a great night.
Cage: Isn’t it a “black” mark?
Rage turns around and glares at Cage.
Rage: Black is not a bad thing, Nic! It’s never a bad thing!
Cage: Oh, okay.
Rage: Now that we’ve established that, let’s get back to the fact that the best tag team in WUK just lost a ten-person tag match. It’s fucking embarrassing!
Rage kicks a nearby trash can.
Cage: It wasn’t great, but we weren’t mentally into it. We were thinking about Mr. Crane and his big match!
Rage: That’s EXACTLY it! We were preoccupied with Crane winning our belt for us! Since he did, we won’t have to worry about it!
Cage: We are free!
A wind somehow blows through the penthouse and through Cage’s hair like in Con Air.
Rage: We are free to think about the tag team gauntlet in Seattle! Not that there’s much to think about. Yeah, the Oblivion Death Squad won in LA, but it was hardly clean. Also, they are proxies of Donzig, and everyone knows I own Donzig.
Cage nods along.
Rage: The Glucks had their chance to help the High Rollers Club, but fell short. Those New Breeders were just HKW trash that blew in off the street. I’m shocked the Bastards couldn’t beat them quicker.
Cage: It was pathetic. We would have won the match in five minutes!
Rage: Tops! There were also guys I’ve never heard of. The Dark Stars?
Cage: Assholes…literally, no cap.
Rage: Neon Bushido?
Cage: More like “Necessary Buttholes”!
Rage looks confused.
Cage: Yeah, it wasn’t my best.
Rage: That’s about what they deserve. But the focus is where it always has been: The Bastards. Regressive Robbie and Fascist Frank have been tag team champions by default for far too long! It’s time to move on from our Boomer champions! We’ll end their reign nice and early, so they can have their pudding ready for when Tucker Carlson comes on to give them their outrage porn! They can take Sean Bean with them, too!
Cage: How is Sean Bean a threat to anyone? I watched reruns of his show when we were in Scotland. He looked old in the 80s!
Rage: I think you mean Mr. Bean.
Cage: Yeah, Mr. Sean Bean. I guess he got over his “being a mute” thing.
Rage shrugs and plays along.
Rage: Sure, fuck Johnny English!
Cage: This isn’t quite as good as Oscar Night 1996, but it’s close!
Wesley Rage marches into the room and looks at his brother with disgust.
Rage: What are you celebrating?
Cage: It was a great night for the High Rollers Club! Mr. Crane finally won the WUK World Title! He’s the British Champion of the World! That makes us British Champions of the World!
Cage shakes up the champagne and sprays it on his brother while whooping and yelling.
Rage: The grapes in this champagne better have been sustainably harvested!
Cage stops to read the bottle.
Cage: Oh yeah, it’s French.
Rage grumbles at Cage’s non-answer and wipes the alcohol out of his hair. He walks over to the couch and sits down.
Rage: Why are you happy about any of this? First, Wesley Crane winning another trophy isn’t something to celebrate. In case you haven’t noticed, another rich guy getting what he wants isn’t what I’m about. Second, we have been set up in this temple to capitalism! Nic, look around! This is bougie!
Cage looks around and smiles.
Cage: Yes, it is,
Rage: THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING!
Rage stands up and leans against the ceiling to floor window that gives a stunning view of manicured grounds. If you book in the fall, it looks even better. Such beauty at a price that reflects just how beautiful it is.
Rage: All this money just to make more money! It’s offensive! We’re trapped in this!
Cage: Couldn’t we just leave? No one says we have to stay here. Mr. Crane just gave this to us for being in the High Rollers. I bet we could move out and go to a hostel.
Rage is caught off-guard, but hides it by continuing to look out the window.
Rage: We…uh…well, we just moved our stuff in! We’d look silly if we immediately left! Plus…er…the training facility is here. We’d have to travel by some vehicle that produces carbon. Staying lowers our carbon footprint!
Cage types on his phone, then looks at his brother.
Cage: No problem! Syracuse has plenty of bike paths. We stay at the hostel, then bike here to train! We can also fly commercial to Seattle and avoid using Mr. Crane’s private plane since I know you hate how bad it is for the environment.
Rage: He’s already taking the plane, so us being on it doesn’t really change anything.
Cage: That’s true.
Rage: Plus I’d hate for us not to look like team players.
Cage: We are all about teamwork! Also, we can still do the hostel and bike thing!
Rage: I’ve thought about it. Great idea, by the way. But I just thought that by giving us this room, Crane can’t profit off it. We’re not making the rich any richer by staying here.
Cage: I think it’s a tax write-off for him.
Rage: Well, one can never know. We’ll put this suite to good use. Destroy the machine from the inside, you know?
Cage: Yeah, we can always do that.
Rage: Also, maybe Crane winning the title isn’t a bad thing. He’s not worse than Fowler. Also, the title can be considered community property! We’ll appropriate the title! You’re right! We are the WUK World Champions!
Cage: British Champions of the World!
Rage: But that match in LA still pisses me off. Losing to that hulking farm boy is a real hwite mark on a great night.
Cage: Isn’t it a “black” mark?
Rage turns around and glares at Cage.
Rage: Black is not a bad thing, Nic! It’s never a bad thing!
Cage: Oh, okay.
Rage: Now that we’ve established that, let’s get back to the fact that the best tag team in WUK just lost a ten-person tag match. It’s fucking embarrassing!
Rage kicks a nearby trash can.
Cage: It wasn’t great, but we weren’t mentally into it. We were thinking about Mr. Crane and his big match!
Rage: That’s EXACTLY it! We were preoccupied with Crane winning our belt for us! Since he did, we won’t have to worry about it!
Cage: We are free!
A wind somehow blows through the penthouse and through Cage’s hair like in Con Air.
Rage: We are free to think about the tag team gauntlet in Seattle! Not that there’s much to think about. Yeah, the Oblivion Death Squad won in LA, but it was hardly clean. Also, they are proxies of Donzig, and everyone knows I own Donzig.
Cage nods along.
Rage: The Glucks had their chance to help the High Rollers Club, but fell short. Those New Breeders were just HKW trash that blew in off the street. I’m shocked the Bastards couldn’t beat them quicker.
Cage: It was pathetic. We would have won the match in five minutes!
Rage: Tops! There were also guys I’ve never heard of. The Dark Stars?
Cage: Assholes…literally, no cap.
Rage: Neon Bushido?
Cage: More like “Necessary Buttholes”!
Rage looks confused.
Cage: Yeah, it wasn’t my best.
Rage: That’s about what they deserve. But the focus is where it always has been: The Bastards. Regressive Robbie and Fascist Frank have been tag team champions by default for far too long! It’s time to move on from our Boomer champions! We’ll end their reign nice and early, so they can have their pudding ready for when Tucker Carlson comes on to give them their outrage porn! They can take Sean Bean with them, too!
Cage: How is Sean Bean a threat to anyone? I watched reruns of his show when we were in Scotland. He looked old in the 80s!
Rage: I think you mean Mr. Bean.
Cage: Yeah, Mr. Sean Bean. I guess he got over his “being a mute” thing.
Rage shrugs and plays along.
Rage: Sure, fuck Johnny English!