Post by Dave D-Flipz on Feb 12, 2023 23:59:20 GMT -5
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
Billy: WHAT IS THIS DRECK! This is the most heinous, disgusting, biased show of bias that has ever passed for unbiased! AND I WAS ROBBED OF MY GOLDEN BOOB!
Ovi: Settle down ol’ chap! It’s not that bad!
Billy: HIS BLOODY FACE IS THE TRACK! IT IS PLASTERED ON THE BILLBOARDS! I bet he even has planted the random fan that will be called on for the inevitable “photo” finish where somehow Reedy Creek will be announced the winners despite the Chemistruckinator finishing first, as per usual!
Ovi: I highly doubt that Mary would succumb to such shenanigans. It’s not like she promotes her own children to win the races.
Ian: Well, that would require them to at least be near the finish when the mucking up of the line of sight happens. Her grandkids are … um … not the most effective racers.
Phroooaggh: She totally cheats, bro. But then … pretty much every team does so it works. Need I remind you of the Indoctrinator?
Billy: This is the second most infuriating thing I’ve laid eyes on in CAR. The only thing more irrationally irritating is whenever that Bob fellow shows up into a room… just I feel like I NEED to hate him and be angry… He just … looks like a guy who would be associated with murdering beloved felines …
*We are currently smack in the middle of a team meeting for Angry Mad Chemists. At the round table inside the AMC base sits Dr. Billy Lastname, horrible driver. Next to him is Dr. Ovi Kintobor, mechanic. Across the table is PHROOOAGGH the Relentless, uh … eldritch team-adjacent consultant on all things supernatural, and next to him is Dr. Ian Brundle, weapons expert and chaotician.*
Ovi: So if you want to remove the cheater, target the D.O.O.F. directly at Lightning McQueen and watch it blind the driver, she’ll drive off the track on the sharp hair-pin hairline turns and have to be rescued by the Forest Force. Not to mention the Floof will absolutely dissolve the paint job on that car …
*Behind them, a door flies open with a crash and into the room steps Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, financial backer and owner of the AMC team, entirely funding them on a stream of alimony from his ex-wife.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh this is MOST distressing! Not only did that other team get to Memaw’s pocketbooks before I could get to her eyeballs … but now we are going to be SWIMMING IN WASTE PAPER!
*They all stop talking and murmur about what he means*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I mean everyone has to deliver me a Valentine at the end of the race. That’s like seven valentines just from the race. And now the idea has taken hold among our fan club too! I already got a card from Cross Recoba! It looks pricy.
*Everyone at the table just blinks in disbelief.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What? It says most eligible bachelor … between the indoctrinator and the new initiative at cultofdoof.com … I’m a shoo-in!
Phroooaggh: You do not wrestle Doof…
*Doof pauses to think.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Huh … you may be right. Should I wrestle to increase my optics and draw more people into the initiative?
Ovi: … I think that is a brilliant idea that won’t end in hilarious –for us- blooper reels at all. You’re surely not going to get beat up. Why don’t you start with that unholy spawn of the eldritch car and the himbo werewolf.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: WHAT? But H.R. is a lovely fellow! He’s so polite and well-mannered! Who would want to hurt such a pure and innocent soul? … *he looks at the camera* other than the guy who created him … *he sheds a tear …*
Ovi: Did … did you just do an aside to the camera drone? Why?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Character consistency Ovi, you wouldn’t understand my lovable Eggman.
*They all sigh and facepalm*
Billy: Doof … this Marty Donovan is becoming a real problem. He has apparently paid for this race and we are expected to believe it will be fair?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh don’t worry your little head over it, Billy. This is all in service to the greater plan. He has opened up the floodgate, if he can buy and pay for a race, what’s to stop us from being given the same chance? In fact, that is the first step of the plan. Our legions of AMC fans in the club are already willing to do my bidding. We just need to increase our sphere of influence. If this … Marty … is to be given the Valentine at the end of the race? Then let’s give him the best one ever. NORM!
*Norm the ordinary human, who is actually a 12 foot tall mech, wanders into the room.*
Norm: How can I help you? Your name is Doof, I do what you say woop woop!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes yes very good Norm. Do me a favor, 3D print us a Valentine in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head with Tangled details on it. And make it a video player. Pre-install the AMC Fanclub induction video and pack it in after a 1 minute highlight reel of Marty’s wrestling prowess, 30 seconds of Disney vacation stills, and the following message…
AHEM!
“MARTY DONOVAN! I am Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz of the Angry Mad Chemists and we here at DEI would like to congratulate you on your World title victory. You are truly an inspiration to the children and we hope you find all the success in wrestling you want! We have here a video sent to us by a sick child who is the biggest fan of Lightning McQueen and he’d love for you and Ollie to watch it.”
*Doof bows as the team is actually impressed with this plan.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh and send a similar copy to Memaw but change the shape to a Volkswagon beetle and change the highlights to those of CAR’s first year in business and make up a generic we love CAR message instead of the Marty one, I can’t be bothered. The woman will somehow end up blinded by something and blame the DOOF FLOOF anyway. If they want to play moneyball … we will play HARDball! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
1. How does your driver handle all those sharp turns?
Billy: I’ll take these turns the way I always do … HORRIBLY!
Ovi: Billy please don’t try and go offroading …
2. Which billboard of Marty is the hottest?
Ovi: That one with the horse from Tangled is … alluring …
3. Who is your valentine actually for and what does it say?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: We just told you … For Marty! And Ollie!
Valentine in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head with Tangled details on it. And make it a video player. Pre-install the AMC Fanclub induction video and pack it in after a 1 minute highlight reel of Marty’s wrestling prowess, 30 seconds of Disney vacation stills, and the following message…
AHEM!
“MARTY DONOVAN! I am Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz of the Angry Mad Chemists and we here at DEI would like to congratulate you on your World title victory. You are truly an inspiration to the children and we hope you find all the success in wrestling you want! We have here a video sent to us by a sick child who is the biggest fan of Lightning McQueen and he’d love for you and Ollie to watch it.”
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: YES YES THE CULT MEMBERS FLOW IN! ACKNOWLEDGE US!!!!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Billy: RIGGED! RIGGED I SAY!!!!!! WHERE’S MY GOLD BOOB!?
Billy: WHAT IS THIS DRECK! This is the most heinous, disgusting, biased show of bias that has ever passed for unbiased! AND I WAS ROBBED OF MY GOLDEN BOOB!
Ovi: Settle down ol’ chap! It’s not that bad!
Billy: HIS BLOODY FACE IS THE TRACK! IT IS PLASTERED ON THE BILLBOARDS! I bet he even has planted the random fan that will be called on for the inevitable “photo” finish where somehow Reedy Creek will be announced the winners despite the Chemistruckinator finishing first, as per usual!
Ovi: I highly doubt that Mary would succumb to such shenanigans. It’s not like she promotes her own children to win the races.
Ian: Well, that would require them to at least be near the finish when the mucking up of the line of sight happens. Her grandkids are … um … not the most effective racers.
Phroooaggh: She totally cheats, bro. But then … pretty much every team does so it works. Need I remind you of the Indoctrinator?
Billy: This is the second most infuriating thing I’ve laid eyes on in CAR. The only thing more irrationally irritating is whenever that Bob fellow shows up into a room… just I feel like I NEED to hate him and be angry… He just … looks like a guy who would be associated with murdering beloved felines …
*We are currently smack in the middle of a team meeting for Angry Mad Chemists. At the round table inside the AMC base sits Dr. Billy Lastname, horrible driver. Next to him is Dr. Ovi Kintobor, mechanic. Across the table is PHROOOAGGH the Relentless, uh … eldritch team-adjacent consultant on all things supernatural, and next to him is Dr. Ian Brundle, weapons expert and chaotician.*
Ovi: So if you want to remove the cheater, target the D.O.O.F. directly at Lightning McQueen and watch it blind the driver, she’ll drive off the track on the sharp hair-pin hairline turns and have to be rescued by the Forest Force. Not to mention the Floof will absolutely dissolve the paint job on that car …
*Behind them, a door flies open with a crash and into the room steps Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, financial backer and owner of the AMC team, entirely funding them on a stream of alimony from his ex-wife.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh this is MOST distressing! Not only did that other team get to Memaw’s pocketbooks before I could get to her eyeballs … but now we are going to be SWIMMING IN WASTE PAPER!
*They all stop talking and murmur about what he means*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I mean everyone has to deliver me a Valentine at the end of the race. That’s like seven valentines just from the race. And now the idea has taken hold among our fan club too! I already got a card from Cross Recoba! It looks pricy.
*Everyone at the table just blinks in disbelief.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What? It says most eligible bachelor … between the indoctrinator and the new initiative at cultofdoof.com … I’m a shoo-in!
Phroooaggh: You do not wrestle Doof…
*Doof pauses to think.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Huh … you may be right. Should I wrestle to increase my optics and draw more people into the initiative?
Ovi: … I think that is a brilliant idea that won’t end in hilarious –for us- blooper reels at all. You’re surely not going to get beat up. Why don’t you start with that unholy spawn of the eldritch car and the himbo werewolf.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: WHAT? But H.R. is a lovely fellow! He’s so polite and well-mannered! Who would want to hurt such a pure and innocent soul? … *he looks at the camera* other than the guy who created him … *he sheds a tear …*
Ovi: Did … did you just do an aside to the camera drone? Why?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Character consistency Ovi, you wouldn’t understand my lovable Eggman.
*They all sigh and facepalm*
Billy: Doof … this Marty Donovan is becoming a real problem. He has apparently paid for this race and we are expected to believe it will be fair?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh don’t worry your little head over it, Billy. This is all in service to the greater plan. He has opened up the floodgate, if he can buy and pay for a race, what’s to stop us from being given the same chance? In fact, that is the first step of the plan. Our legions of AMC fans in the club are already willing to do my bidding. We just need to increase our sphere of influence. If this … Marty … is to be given the Valentine at the end of the race? Then let’s give him the best one ever. NORM!
*Norm the ordinary human, who is actually a 12 foot tall mech, wanders into the room.*
Norm: How can I help you? Your name is Doof, I do what you say woop woop!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Yes yes very good Norm. Do me a favor, 3D print us a Valentine in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head with Tangled details on it. And make it a video player. Pre-install the AMC Fanclub induction video and pack it in after a 1 minute highlight reel of Marty’s wrestling prowess, 30 seconds of Disney vacation stills, and the following message…
AHEM!
“MARTY DONOVAN! I am Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz of the Angry Mad Chemists and we here at DEI would like to congratulate you on your World title victory. You are truly an inspiration to the children and we hope you find all the success in wrestling you want! We have here a video sent to us by a sick child who is the biggest fan of Lightning McQueen and he’d love for you and Ollie to watch it.”
*Doof bows as the team is actually impressed with this plan.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh and send a similar copy to Memaw but change the shape to a Volkswagon beetle and change the highlights to those of CAR’s first year in business and make up a generic we love CAR message instead of the Marty one, I can’t be bothered. The woman will somehow end up blinded by something and blame the DOOF FLOOF anyway. If they want to play moneyball … we will play HARDball! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
1. How does your driver handle all those sharp turns?
Billy: I’ll take these turns the way I always do … HORRIBLY!
Ovi: Billy please don’t try and go offroading …
2. Which billboard of Marty is the hottest?
Ovi: That one with the horse from Tangled is … alluring …
3. Who is your valentine actually for and what does it say?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: We just told you … For Marty! And Ollie!
Valentine in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head with Tangled details on it. And make it a video player. Pre-install the AMC Fanclub induction video and pack it in after a 1 minute highlight reel of Marty’s wrestling prowess, 30 seconds of Disney vacation stills, and the following message…
AHEM!
“MARTY DONOVAN! I am Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz of the Angry Mad Chemists and we here at DEI would like to congratulate you on your World title victory. You are truly an inspiration to the children and we hope you find all the success in wrestling you want! We have here a video sent to us by a sick child who is the biggest fan of Lightning McQueen and he’d love for you and Ollie to watch it.”
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: YES YES THE CULT MEMBERS FLOW IN! ACKNOWLEDGE US!!!!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Billy: RIGGED! RIGGED I SAY!!!!!! WHERE’S MY GOLD BOOB!?