The Hardkore (Disney) World Special
Feb 27, 2023 22:56:49 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dylan, and 5 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Feb 27, 2023 22:56:49 GMT -5
HARDKORE - Disney - WORLD
The camera fades in on the Magic Kingdom of Orlando, Florida. Sure, it is not as nice as Land – but this sunshine state version has something that the good one doesn’t. Marty Donovan dedicating a new racially sensitive waterslide in commemorate the 25th anniversary of Krippendorf’s tribe. To make up for the Touchstone picture that many call a bigger hate crime than Song of the South, the good people at Disney devised this interactive amusement park ride. Visitors are painted the colour of a different ethnicity to what they identify as, in an effort to broaden their worldview. Then as the log ride passes through water streams, the paint washes off. Truly eye opening. God bless Disney for apologizing for past mistakes, like Krippendorf’s Tribe.
Disney’s Marty Donovan approaches a ribbon with a giant pair of novelty scissors.
Marty Donovan: TRIBES. Do we define ourselves by the company that we keep? Looking out at this sea of Krippendorf’s Tribe fans – I certainly hope so, because we all have classy taste!
Polite applause.
Marty Donovan: And now – WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?
The camera swings away from Marty over to the front entrance, where a middle-aged eastern European wearing an Armani suit that clashes with his Mickey Mouse ear hat, is currently trying to get into the park.
Marty Donovan: Oh no he doesn’t-
Giant scissors in hand act as a phallic symbol large enough to give Marty all the confidence he needs to confront the man that once fed him to the Sarlacc. And before the alien pit was even a proper Disney property! The nerve.
Entrance Employee: I’m sorry sir – you’re on the list.
Zoran Sainovic: And what list might zat be?
Bans are actually extremely hard to enforce on a conglomerate level, so the minimum wage warrior working the turnstile really doesn’t want to say out loud that the former 3 time X*Crown champion was banned from Disney Parks for possibly stabbing Marty Donovan. Certainly a lawsuit waiting to happen if he were to actually suggest that Marty had requested the ban. Still they are at an impasse. At the moment, Zoran waits patiently outside the gate with his wife, Rose, and son, Oliver.
Entrance Employee: Please don’t make me say it-
Zoran Sainovic: Zere appears to be a misunderstanding, who do I have to speak with to correct zis error?
Marty Donovan (stomping over): No error! The next time you stab a man make sure he’s too dead to screw you out of a family vacation.
Zoran Sainovic:(eyes lighting up with sadistic glee): Zat can be arranged.
Marty Donovan (step back): It’s a turn of phrase!
Zoran Sainovic: Zis isn’t still about zat End of Day rib is it? I barely scratched you.
Marty Donovan: Forty stitches isn’t a scratch! Keep digging yourself deeper, Zoran – at this rate you’re never getting on the Seven Dwarf’s Mine Train!
Oliver looks ready to cry. That doesn't go over well.
Zoran Sainovic: Now... Marty... we are both rational adults... surely an arrangement can be reached-
Before they can find common ground, Marty’s insurance policy attacks Sainovic from behind, knocking him over the guardrail and into Disney World. The hit is so hard that the mickey mouse hat falls off. Security stands between Dan Stein stomping a hole in Sainovic, and Zoran’s family who watch closely by.
It isn’t long before Marty joins Stein in kicking away at a downed GUNS superstar. Trying to roll through the punches, Zoran eats a hard right from Stein to grab the giant novelty scissors from Donovan. That isn't good. Stein steps back to avoid a gash to the stomach. Sainovic swings wildly, trying to get back to his feet. Eyes narrowing on Marty, Zoran charges forward - quite ready to disembowel him with the giant scissors... only to notice his son watching. Crap. Zoran drops the scissors, and without a weapon, is quickly taken down by Stein. It a matter of seconds, the champion and his muscle are kicking the crap out of his invader. As if often the case with random gang beatings, this brings all manner of reprobate out of the park.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Funny running into you on my day off... in Florida, no less!
Phillip Blauer: No surprise there, Gabriel. Back when I was physically disabled, I realized how mistreated my people were. So now I’m fighting the good fight, and am here to protest the lack of a handicapable ramp on the Swiss Family Treehouse!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is... commendable of you, Phillip.
Phillip Blauer: ...I’m not here for the Krippendorff slide!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I didn’t say you were.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a hell of an accusation. What kind of white supremacist do you take me f- Oh look, a gang beating! I hope the victim isn’t looking to ride the Swiss Family Treehouse because by the time those two are finished with him, there will be no way for that he’s crippled ass will be able to access it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well since we’re here anyway, feel like calling the beating?
Phillip Blauer (eyes the line for the Krippendorf slide): ...sure. Oh, it looks like Marty has Dan Stein beating up Zoran Sainovic for him-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh good, we can write our respective trips off as Hardkore World business expenses.
While the announcers catch up, Dan Stein continues to brutalize Zoran Sainovic down Main Street, U.S.A. Noticing the small child following them near tears, but not clueing in that its Sainovic’s kid – Marty snatches the boy’s mickey hat and autographs it. This does little to calm the child. Seeing how upset his son is, Sainovic reaches up and dragonscrew legwhips Stein face first into the Plaze Ice Cream Parlour. That will leave an ice cream stain. Marty turns back from his autograph session just in time to eat a closeline. Grabbing a fistful of the champion’s hair, Zoran tosses Donovan through Casey’s Corner. Trying to shake off the beating, Sainovic turns to comfort his son – only to take a vicious Stein kick to the kidney.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic fighting back to his feet, but doesn’t look to be in the best shape to begin with – and one of Marty or Dan would be deadly enough, but both of them? He’s best to stay down.
Phillip Blauer: Marty brushes glass off from his trip through Casey’s Corner – a few scratches, but the champ looks no worse for wear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein and Donovan again double teaming, but Sainovic trying to fight back with some vicious knife-edge chops.
A large group of Disney World tourists start to crowd around the three men’s wild brawl. Zoran absorbs the punishment and comes back with vicious shots of his own, but still only gets off one for every two of his attackers. Grabbing a blade from Casey’s Corner, Sainovic looks ready to carve Marty up like a Christmas Turkey – only to spot his son watching them. Not wanting to look like a monster in front of the boy, Zoran again drops the knife... leaving himself open to a double boot to the midsection, followed by double suplex onto the concrete. Kicks move him away from the eatery towards...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty and Dan now have Sainovic on the railroad tracks, kicking away, but trying to set him up to be squashed like a bug under the Disney World Railroad!
Phillip Blauer: Appropriately cartoonish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein kneeling on Sainovic’s throat – train off in the distance, but this is not going to be pretty.
Phillip Blauer: This is the same jerk that stabbed Marty at End of Days. What goes around comes around. Like that train...
Jeff Vahle: Marty, a word.
Greeted by the Walt Disney World president, Marty pulls himself away from holding Sainovic down, taking a break from attempting to commit homicide on park grounds.
Marty Donovan: Good afternoon Mister Vahle! Great to see you sir!
Jeff Vahle: Likewise Marty. Question though, are you and a friend currently gang assaulting a one armed man?
Marty Donovan: It’s not what it looks like, I swear.
Jeff Vahle: I’m sure it’s completely justified, and nothing but faith in you Marty – but I’m a little concerned about the optics.
Marty Donovan: Oh. Um. I understand. Stein?
Though he looks INCREDIBLY pained to give up on his insurance policy, Marty waves off Dan Stein. Stein gives Marty a puzzled look, but then leaves Zoran alone. As Dan disappears into the park, Marty politely excuses himself from Vahle... looking to put the finishing touches on before Sainovic recovers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the train-
Phillip Blauer: This is going to leave a mark!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Marty trying to hold Zoran down, but - gets BACKDROPPED ONTO THE TRAIN! WHICH SUBSEQUENTLY RAMS INTO ZORAN, KNOCKING HIM ON BOARD TOO!
Both men now on the Disney World Railroad, continue to brawl away, throwing punches that inevitably knock one another further back – one cart after another. The speed is slow enough that most of the guests are able to escape, as the two men trade blow after blow. A lariat sends Donovan back one cart, only for him to bulldog Zoran forward two. The Hardkore World champion then notices his girlfriend Olivia Oldham giving a tour in the distance. What perfect timing and to think Syberus called him a fool for carrying that Mr. Microphone everywhere. Who's the fool now, Tommy?
Marty Donovan: Hey good looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!
Ollie, more concerned about stabbings than references to 45-year-old commercials, screams a warning. Marty is too busy flipping the microphone in the air to listen. Suddenly, Zoran is back on his feet and catches the novelty gift. He begins to beat Marty over the head with it, broadcasting Donovan's pathetic screams over the train radio. Syberus was right!
Zoran Sainovic (talking into mic while choking Marty with it): I'm on ze radio- I LOVE IT!
Marty Donvan: aaaakkkk-
Phillip Blauer: Giovanni... I don’t... know... how... much... longer... I... can... run... alongside... this... slow... train... been... using... my... wife... ‘s... wheelchair... to... get... from... the... fridge... to... the... television... in... the... kitchen... it’s.. like four feet... you go on without – wait, Gironimo, where did you go? SON OF A-
#WHENYOUWISHUPONASTAR JINGLE#
A car horn does a rough estimation of the popular Pinocchio piece. Phillip turns to find Guillermo pulling up in one of the Fort Wilderness Campground carts.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We spent our known existence behind a desk, there is no way we could keep up with that slow moving children’s locomotive – don’t be a hero, Phillip, hop on!
Phillip Blauer: Guillermo... if I wasn’t already married, I would propose to you right now.
The announcers continue after the wild isolated moving vehicle brawl. Sainovic and Donovan both tease being knocked off the train, which would be a lot more terrifying if a dozen people hadn’t just consciously done just that. With his one arm, Sainovic manages to hit a series of rolling German suplexes, which clear out the last half of the passengers.
Marty Donovan: Why does everything bad always happens to me?
Zoran Sainovic: I just want to take my family to Disney World you self-serving gatekeeping subhuman scum!
Marty Donovan: I don't make the rules!
Zoran Sainovic: YES YOU DO!
The impact of the last spinebuster almost derails the train.
Phillip Blauer: I hope one of our referees showed up for the krippen- um- to protest the lack of ramps too. Otherwise, this fight will never end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two men fighting over a headlock – Marty turning it into an inverted atomic drop which knocks Sainovic off the train! But he’s not done-
Phillip Blauer: Marty diving off the train with a flying crossbody block-
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...But underestimates how fast the train is moving, and misses Zoran by a foot!
Having arrived in FantasyLand, both men roll around outside Cinderella’s Castle trading shots. Goofy walks over to check on them.
Goofy: Why hello there fellas-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty from behind with a leg lariat – but Sainovic ducks, and MARTY TAKES OUT GOOFY!
Goofy: *GOOFY SCREAM*
Phillip Blauer: Oh damn. Not sure the kid is going to be able to walk after that one. Maybe he can switch to Pluto and go about on all fours?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Mobility jokes, Phillip?
Marty Donovan: Uh, Zoran how could ...you... hit Goofy like that?
Zoran Sainovic: Like zis-
Sick of Donovan, Zoran rips the Goofy head off the teenager who was posing in it – and RAMS IT over Marty’s head... backwards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turning the head around, Sainovic blinds Donovan- PRESSURE POINT!
The shotei variation is a hard enough strike to knock the helmet clear off of Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: Would you say the champion’s been knocked Goofy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You couldn’t pay me-
Looking to finish this, Sainovic locks Marty in the Polite Conversation ’18!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic ripping back on the champion’s arm with that signature submission lock-
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, referee Todd Shutlz comes out of the Mad Tea Party to officiate this match. What rotten timing! Remember what side you’re on, Todd!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shultz asking Marty if he submits – I hope our champion is able to hang in-
PLUTO: HEY WHAT DID THEY DO TO GOOFY?
Zoran Sainovic: Zis isn’t what it looks like-
Who is he kidding? Wide eyed at the army of Disney mascots that look to be out for blood, Zoran lets go of his finisher and runs away.
Marty Donovan: Oh thank goodness- It’s me, Flyn-
Looking over Donovan notices the kid who plays Goofy coughing up teeth and pointing at Disney’s own.
Marty Donovan: Crap.
The champion runs too – both men being chased by an army of Disney characters.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t see anything with Pete’s Dragon in the way – where did they go?
The champion and the man he has banned from the kingdom continue their brawl in the It’s a Small World ride. The song is enough to cause either to tap, but they continue to stiff the hell out of one another, while trying not to make too much noise for fear of a hundred angry teens dressed as Jiminy Cricket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THEY’RE OVER HERE!
Marty and Zoran give Guillermo a dirty look.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, sorry. (whispering) They’re over here.
Phillip and the referee join the brawl just as Marty launches himself off a tiny animatronic milk maid to hit a springboard Asai DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: REEDY CREEK RACING!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-kickout
Phillip Blauer: The champion promoting his CAR moonlighting gig – and he certainly would endear himself to the racing outfit by shutting Zoran up.
Hearing Phil’s voice, Marty points at him. Then realizes there isn’t a lot of elevated surfaces to follow up the finger with... there is a ledge. Marty starts to climb up to another podium of the small world to hit his signature Panama Sunrise... but half way up he decides it might be too high, so instead goes with the far more reasonable leap off some robotic children that look like they are from New Guinea. What would Krippendorf do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: COSTA PACIFIC SUNRISE-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SPLAT#
Guillermo O’Bannon: Misses, Marty hit the concrete hard, and Zoran diving onto the downed Marty with his One Wing Driver!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-KICKOUT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Near fall - Marty came very close to losing the HKW World title.
Marty Donovan (using leg scissors to pull Zoran off of him): This isn't for the belt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone here thinks it is-
Marty Donovan: Damn it...
Well now the pressure is on. Marty thought he was just keeping a family out of Disney World. Hero that he is. Both men fight back up to their feet-
Phillip Blauer: DOUBLE EYEGOUGE!
Having gouged each other’s eyes, champion and challenger stagger back, tripping over animatronic children as they blindly swing. More than one robot toddler’s nose is broken off by the ensuing strikes. Feeling like vision is returning, both men go for another eye gouge – only to hit the robots instead. They both retract their hands in pain, shaking fingers that were driven into steel. Locking eyes on one another again, Marty and Zoran simultaneously stop shaking their fingers. Don’t show weakness.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men have each other scouted out so well, it’s like wrestling a mirror.
Phillip Blauer: Marty has been waiting three long years for revenge, I have no doubt he’s studied every move in Zoran’s arsenal – getting a veritable Masters degree on the Serbian’s move set, if any education facility offered such a bizarre program. Hardkore U? The point is that there isn’t a move that Marty doesn’t have an answer for-
Guillermo O’Bannon: The setting doesn’t lend itself to traditional technical displays, but I think we’re about to see a counter-trading masterpiece on our-
Rather than continue actually wrestling, the duo yank robots out of the chorus.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillip Blauer: Duelling it’s a small world bots!
Zoran Sainovic: En garde!
Marty Donovan: Wait- I'll get a french one...
This is a ruse to get a free shot in, as Marty doesn't actually care if his robot can translate for him.
#SMACK#
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the song heard around the world!
Even as the two men pivot, and swing, and miss, and smash, and almost take each other’s heads off – their horrific robotic weapons keep singing the damned song. It’s rather unnerving.
#There is just one mo-#
#SMASH#
#...d one golden su-#
#SMACK#
#An-#
#SMACK#
#...a smile means#
#TWWWWWACK#
#...iendship...#
#TWWWWWWWWWACK#
#...to…#
#THWICK#
#...ev'ryone#
#SMMMMMMACK#
#Though the mountains…#
#SMMMMACCCCCCK#
#...divide…#
#THWOOOOOORRRRK#
#And the oceans are wi-#
#C-C-CRRRRACK#
#It's a small world after all#
Phillip Blauer: HA! Big swing sees Marty knock the small world bot out of Zoran’s working hand! Now winding up for a big shot-
#It’s a small, small world#
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO! Zoran with a low angled sickle strike takes, Marty down-
Phillip Blauer: Finally a cover-
ONE!
No sooner, does Zoran hook a leg – then a small world robot is smashed over his back. Defiant, Zoran tries to hang onto the pin, but eats another robot shot. Bleeding profusely all over the land of childhood wonder, Sainovic staggers up to his feet, just in time to see-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: WHAT IS STEVE AWESOME DOING HERE?
Phillip Blauer: God I hope Disney hasn’t bought the rights to the Shit Storm franchise...
Guillermo O’Bannon: STEVEKO knocks Zoran out!
Slowly getting to his feet, Marty Donovan and Steve Awesome lock eyes, and start to stare each other down.
Phillip Blauer: It’s the HardKore World Champion staring down the Hardcore Champion of the world!
After a dramatic pause, Steve Awesome disappears into the chorus of creepy robot children.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome and Zoran Sainovic would have been the feud of last year if the XHF had an award show, and fourteen months into their bloodletting – I can see Awesome just dropping in to screw Sainovic out of our world title. Which he definitely did-
Phillip Blauer: If Marty remembers to pin him-
Realizing that this is apparently an actual match, Marty stops looking for Steve and turns back to Zoran – leaping on top for the cover.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THERE IT IS!
ONE!
TWO!
MASSIVE KICKOUT.
Phillip Blauer: The SteveKO would have done it – it’s done it before, but Marty took forever. Did they start singing that song again?
Yeah, the chorus starts up again. Grabbing the camera – a frustrated Marty smashes it across Zoran’s broken arm.
#BLACK#
#STATIC#
#BLACK#
The image returns at the foot of Swiss Family Treehouse, where an exhausted Marty kneels outside the entrance-
Marty Donovan: ...why are there so many stairs?
For want of a ramp. The camera that is on him gets shoved aside by an approaching Sainovic.
#STATIC#
#BLACK#
#BACK#
Another camera is substantially shakier and might be phone footage. The image returns just as Zoran shoves Marty’s head over the side of the Jungle Cruise – trying to feed it to an animatronic hippopotamus.
Zoran Sainovic: And so we see Marty, zat zere isn't a contest we will have zat doesn't end in you being digested-
Marty Donovan: NOT AGAIN!
Apparently this trauma has a circular pattern. Grabbing a fake a snake, Marty wraps it around Sainovic’s neck and chokes the older man, until both of them are firmly in the boat. Turning blue from lack of oxygen, Zoran rips off a piece of the boat that can be used as a shiv and slices the snake in half. Marty starts to look for another robot animal he can use as a weapon. Robot monkey! Cut in half. Robot toucan! Cut in half. Is that a robot parrot? No it's real, and flies away before Zoran can cut it in half. Marty tries to lift a robot leopard, but it is damn heavy, as Sainovic moves in for the kill.
Zoran Sainovic: It looks like braying jackass is about to join ze endangered species list..
Marty Donovan: Give me a minute, this thing weights a ton..
Guillermo O’Bannon: GOT ‘EM!
Phillip Blauer: Where am I looking?
Guillermo O'Bannon: The Jungle Cruise!
From the riverbank, the announcers once again find the match. They aren’t the only ones, as Sainovic’s wife and child also watch. Looking up, it's nice to have one's family there for a crowning moment... but not like this. Having Oliver’s eyes on him, Zoran once again drops the shiv – which is just the opening that Marty needs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did that bell come from?
Phillip Blauer: Where does any of it come from... this is the magic kingdom!
Greg Jin: At 47 minutes 12 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…’DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Greg, you're here too?
Greg Jin: That Krippendorf slide is insane.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, is it running now? Damn it... the line will be intense. How am I supposed to stand that long?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Marty Donovan successfully defends his HardKore World Championship against the man who fed him to the sarlaac!
Phillip Blauer: First Syberus, now Zoran, who is Marty going to beat next? Paramount?
On the ship both men collapse into bloody messes.
Marty Donovan: THAT’S RIGHT! THE NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO GET AN ALIEN TO DIGEST ME FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, MAKE SURE HIS IP CAN’T BE PURCHASED!
Marty Donovan can’t stand, but he still manages to rock a happy dance.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis was... fun. I could do zis .....every..... day.
Marty Donovan: Tough. You’re banned-
Zoran Sainovic: Without... ze crown… I have a LOT of time on my hands… I could be back here tomorrow.
Damn it. Marty swallows hard, and then takes the hint. Groaning, Donovan slowly rises to yell up at the spectators.
Marty Donovan: Where would Simba be without Scar? The Lion Prince? Would Ariel meet her prince without Ursula? I can see now that there is a place for villains in our Magic Kingdom, even Zoran. So I hereby rescind his ban on the condition that only finger foods will be purchased. NO CUTLERY! Allow me to be the first to welcome Zoran and his family to Disney World as my personal guests.
Everyone cheers. Except Marty, who feels hard done by. Only able to muster a smile for the cameras, the HKW champion soon slumps down to the deck of the Jungle Cruise joining Zoran in a pool of blood. As the two men sneer at each other, one thing is clear – this isn’t over.
The camera fades in on the Magic Kingdom of Orlando, Florida. Sure, it is not as nice as Land – but this sunshine state version has something that the good one doesn’t. Marty Donovan dedicating a new racially sensitive waterslide in commemorate the 25th anniversary of Krippendorf’s tribe. To make up for the Touchstone picture that many call a bigger hate crime than Song of the South, the good people at Disney devised this interactive amusement park ride. Visitors are painted the colour of a different ethnicity to what they identify as, in an effort to broaden their worldview. Then as the log ride passes through water streams, the paint washes off. Truly eye opening. God bless Disney for apologizing for past mistakes, like Krippendorf’s Tribe.
Disney’s Marty Donovan approaches a ribbon with a giant pair of novelty scissors.
Marty Donovan: TRIBES. Do we define ourselves by the company that we keep? Looking out at this sea of Krippendorf’s Tribe fans – I certainly hope so, because we all have classy taste!
Polite applause.
Marty Donovan: And now – WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?
The camera swings away from Marty over to the front entrance, where a middle-aged eastern European wearing an Armani suit that clashes with his Mickey Mouse ear hat, is currently trying to get into the park.
Marty Donovan: Oh no he doesn’t-
Giant scissors in hand act as a phallic symbol large enough to give Marty all the confidence he needs to confront the man that once fed him to the Sarlacc. And before the alien pit was even a proper Disney property! The nerve.
Entrance Employee: I’m sorry sir – you’re on the list.
Zoran Sainovic: And what list might zat be?
Bans are actually extremely hard to enforce on a conglomerate level, so the minimum wage warrior working the turnstile really doesn’t want to say out loud that the former 3 time X*Crown champion was banned from Disney Parks for possibly stabbing Marty Donovan. Certainly a lawsuit waiting to happen if he were to actually suggest that Marty had requested the ban. Still they are at an impasse. At the moment, Zoran waits patiently outside the gate with his wife, Rose, and son, Oliver.
Entrance Employee: Please don’t make me say it-
Zoran Sainovic: Zere appears to be a misunderstanding, who do I have to speak with to correct zis error?
Marty Donovan (stomping over): No error! The next time you stab a man make sure he’s too dead to screw you out of a family vacation.
Zoran Sainovic:(eyes lighting up with sadistic glee): Zat can be arranged.
Marty Donovan (step back): It’s a turn of phrase!
Zoran Sainovic: Zis isn’t still about zat End of Day rib is it? I barely scratched you.
Marty Donovan: Forty stitches isn’t a scratch! Keep digging yourself deeper, Zoran – at this rate you’re never getting on the Seven Dwarf’s Mine Train!
Oliver looks ready to cry. That doesn't go over well.
Zoran Sainovic: Now... Marty... we are both rational adults... surely an arrangement can be reached-
Before they can find common ground, Marty’s insurance policy attacks Sainovic from behind, knocking him over the guardrail and into Disney World. The hit is so hard that the mickey mouse hat falls off. Security stands between Dan Stein stomping a hole in Sainovic, and Zoran’s family who watch closely by.
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match
Disney's Marty Donovan(c) vs. "The Final Boss" Zoran Sainovic
It isn’t long before Marty joins Stein in kicking away at a downed GUNS superstar. Trying to roll through the punches, Zoran eats a hard right from Stein to grab the giant novelty scissors from Donovan. That isn't good. Stein steps back to avoid a gash to the stomach. Sainovic swings wildly, trying to get back to his feet. Eyes narrowing on Marty, Zoran charges forward - quite ready to disembowel him with the giant scissors... only to notice his son watching. Crap. Zoran drops the scissors, and without a weapon, is quickly taken down by Stein. It a matter of seconds, the champion and his muscle are kicking the crap out of his invader. As if often the case with random gang beatings, this brings all manner of reprobate out of the park.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Funny running into you on my day off... in Florida, no less!
Phillip Blauer: No surprise there, Gabriel. Back when I was physically disabled, I realized how mistreated my people were. So now I’m fighting the good fight, and am here to protest the lack of a handicapable ramp on the Swiss Family Treehouse!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is... commendable of you, Phillip.
Phillip Blauer: ...I’m not here for the Krippendorff slide!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I didn’t say you were.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a hell of an accusation. What kind of white supremacist do you take me f- Oh look, a gang beating! I hope the victim isn’t looking to ride the Swiss Family Treehouse because by the time those two are finished with him, there will be no way for that he’s crippled ass will be able to access it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well since we’re here anyway, feel like calling the beating?
Phillip Blauer (eyes the line for the Krippendorf slide): ...sure. Oh, it looks like Marty has Dan Stein beating up Zoran Sainovic for him-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh good, we can write our respective trips off as Hardkore World business expenses.
While the announcers catch up, Dan Stein continues to brutalize Zoran Sainovic down Main Street, U.S.A. Noticing the small child following them near tears, but not clueing in that its Sainovic’s kid – Marty snatches the boy’s mickey hat and autographs it. This does little to calm the child. Seeing how upset his son is, Sainovic reaches up and dragonscrew legwhips Stein face first into the Plaze Ice Cream Parlour. That will leave an ice cream stain. Marty turns back from his autograph session just in time to eat a closeline. Grabbing a fistful of the champion’s hair, Zoran tosses Donovan through Casey’s Corner. Trying to shake off the beating, Sainovic turns to comfort his son – only to take a vicious Stein kick to the kidney.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic fighting back to his feet, but doesn’t look to be in the best shape to begin with – and one of Marty or Dan would be deadly enough, but both of them? He’s best to stay down.
Phillip Blauer: Marty brushes glass off from his trip through Casey’s Corner – a few scratches, but the champ looks no worse for wear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein and Donovan again double teaming, but Sainovic trying to fight back with some vicious knife-edge chops.
A large group of Disney World tourists start to crowd around the three men’s wild brawl. Zoran absorbs the punishment and comes back with vicious shots of his own, but still only gets off one for every two of his attackers. Grabbing a blade from Casey’s Corner, Sainovic looks ready to carve Marty up like a Christmas Turkey – only to spot his son watching them. Not wanting to look like a monster in front of the boy, Zoran again drops the knife... leaving himself open to a double boot to the midsection, followed by double suplex onto the concrete. Kicks move him away from the eatery towards...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty and Dan now have Sainovic on the railroad tracks, kicking away, but trying to set him up to be squashed like a bug under the Disney World Railroad!
Phillip Blauer: Appropriately cartoonish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein kneeling on Sainovic’s throat – train off in the distance, but this is not going to be pretty.
Phillip Blauer: This is the same jerk that stabbed Marty at End of Days. What goes around comes around. Like that train...
Jeff Vahle: Marty, a word.
Greeted by the Walt Disney World president, Marty pulls himself away from holding Sainovic down, taking a break from attempting to commit homicide on park grounds.
Marty Donovan: Good afternoon Mister Vahle! Great to see you sir!
Jeff Vahle: Likewise Marty. Question though, are you and a friend currently gang assaulting a one armed man?
Marty Donovan: It’s not what it looks like, I swear.
Jeff Vahle: I’m sure it’s completely justified, and nothing but faith in you Marty – but I’m a little concerned about the optics.
Marty Donovan: Oh. Um. I understand. Stein?
Though he looks INCREDIBLY pained to give up on his insurance policy, Marty waves off Dan Stein. Stein gives Marty a puzzled look, but then leaves Zoran alone. As Dan disappears into the park, Marty politely excuses himself from Vahle... looking to put the finishing touches on before Sainovic recovers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the train-
Phillip Blauer: This is going to leave a mark!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Marty trying to hold Zoran down, but - gets BACKDROPPED ONTO THE TRAIN! WHICH SUBSEQUENTLY RAMS INTO ZORAN, KNOCKING HIM ON BOARD TOO!
Both men now on the Disney World Railroad, continue to brawl away, throwing punches that inevitably knock one another further back – one cart after another. The speed is slow enough that most of the guests are able to escape, as the two men trade blow after blow. A lariat sends Donovan back one cart, only for him to bulldog Zoran forward two. The Hardkore World champion then notices his girlfriend Olivia Oldham giving a tour in the distance. What perfect timing and to think Syberus called him a fool for carrying that Mr. Microphone everywhere. Who's the fool now, Tommy?
Marty Donovan: Hey good looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!
Ollie, more concerned about stabbings than references to 45-year-old commercials, screams a warning. Marty is too busy flipping the microphone in the air to listen. Suddenly, Zoran is back on his feet and catches the novelty gift. He begins to beat Marty over the head with it, broadcasting Donovan's pathetic screams over the train radio. Syberus was right!
Zoran Sainovic (talking into mic while choking Marty with it): I'm on ze radio- I LOVE IT!
Marty Donvan: aaaakkkk-
Phillip Blauer: Giovanni... I don’t... know... how... much... longer... I... can... run... alongside... this... slow... train... been... using... my... wife... ‘s... wheelchair... to... get... from... the... fridge... to... the... television... in... the... kitchen... it’s.. like four feet... you go on without – wait, Gironimo, where did you go? SON OF A-
#WHENYOUWISHUPONASTAR JINGLE#
A car horn does a rough estimation of the popular Pinocchio piece. Phillip turns to find Guillermo pulling up in one of the Fort Wilderness Campground carts.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We spent our known existence behind a desk, there is no way we could keep up with that slow moving children’s locomotive – don’t be a hero, Phillip, hop on!
Phillip Blauer: Guillermo... if I wasn’t already married, I would propose to you right now.
The announcers continue after the wild isolated moving vehicle brawl. Sainovic and Donovan both tease being knocked off the train, which would be a lot more terrifying if a dozen people hadn’t just consciously done just that. With his one arm, Sainovic manages to hit a series of rolling German suplexes, which clear out the last half of the passengers.
Marty Donovan: Why does everything bad always happens to me?
Zoran Sainovic: I just want to take my family to Disney World you self-serving gatekeeping subhuman scum!
Marty Donovan: I don't make the rules!
Zoran Sainovic: YES YOU DO!
The impact of the last spinebuster almost derails the train.
Phillip Blauer: I hope one of our referees showed up for the krippen- um- to protest the lack of ramps too. Otherwise, this fight will never end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two men fighting over a headlock – Marty turning it into an inverted atomic drop which knocks Sainovic off the train! But he’s not done-
Phillip Blauer: Marty diving off the train with a flying crossbody block-
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...But underestimates how fast the train is moving, and misses Zoran by a foot!
Having arrived in FantasyLand, both men roll around outside Cinderella’s Castle trading shots. Goofy walks over to check on them.
Goofy: Why hello there fellas-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty from behind with a leg lariat – but Sainovic ducks, and MARTY TAKES OUT GOOFY!
Goofy: *GOOFY SCREAM*
Phillip Blauer: Oh damn. Not sure the kid is going to be able to walk after that one. Maybe he can switch to Pluto and go about on all fours?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Mobility jokes, Phillip?
Marty Donovan: Uh, Zoran how could ...you... hit Goofy like that?
Zoran Sainovic: Like zis-
Sick of Donovan, Zoran rips the Goofy head off the teenager who was posing in it – and RAMS IT over Marty’s head... backwards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turning the head around, Sainovic blinds Donovan- PRESSURE POINT!
The shotei variation is a hard enough strike to knock the helmet clear off of Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: Would you say the champion’s been knocked Goofy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You couldn’t pay me-
Looking to finish this, Sainovic locks Marty in the Polite Conversation ’18!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic ripping back on the champion’s arm with that signature submission lock-
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, referee Todd Shutlz comes out of the Mad Tea Party to officiate this match. What rotten timing! Remember what side you’re on, Todd!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shultz asking Marty if he submits – I hope our champion is able to hang in-
PLUTO: HEY WHAT DID THEY DO TO GOOFY?
Zoran Sainovic: Zis isn’t what it looks like-
Who is he kidding? Wide eyed at the army of Disney mascots that look to be out for blood, Zoran lets go of his finisher and runs away.
Marty Donovan: Oh thank goodness- It’s me, Flyn-
Looking over Donovan notices the kid who plays Goofy coughing up teeth and pointing at Disney’s own.
Marty Donovan: Crap.
The champion runs too – both men being chased by an army of Disney characters.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t see anything with Pete’s Dragon in the way – where did they go?
The champion and the man he has banned from the kingdom continue their brawl in the It’s a Small World ride. The song is enough to cause either to tap, but they continue to stiff the hell out of one another, while trying not to make too much noise for fear of a hundred angry teens dressed as Jiminy Cricket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THEY’RE OVER HERE!
Marty and Zoran give Guillermo a dirty look.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, sorry. (whispering) They’re over here.
Phillip and the referee join the brawl just as Marty launches himself off a tiny animatronic milk maid to hit a springboard Asai DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: REEDY CREEK RACING!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-kickout
Phillip Blauer: The champion promoting his CAR moonlighting gig – and he certainly would endear himself to the racing outfit by shutting Zoran up.
Hearing Phil’s voice, Marty points at him. Then realizes there isn’t a lot of elevated surfaces to follow up the finger with... there is a ledge. Marty starts to climb up to another podium of the small world to hit his signature Panama Sunrise... but half way up he decides it might be too high, so instead goes with the far more reasonable leap off some robotic children that look like they are from New Guinea. What would Krippendorf do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: COSTA PACIFIC SUNRISE-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SPLAT#
Guillermo O’Bannon: Misses, Marty hit the concrete hard, and Zoran diving onto the downed Marty with his One Wing Driver!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-KICKOUT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Near fall - Marty came very close to losing the HKW World title.
Marty Donovan (using leg scissors to pull Zoran off of him): This isn't for the belt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone here thinks it is-
Marty Donovan: Damn it...
Well now the pressure is on. Marty thought he was just keeping a family out of Disney World. Hero that he is. Both men fight back up to their feet-
Phillip Blauer: DOUBLE EYEGOUGE!
Having gouged each other’s eyes, champion and challenger stagger back, tripping over animatronic children as they blindly swing. More than one robot toddler’s nose is broken off by the ensuing strikes. Feeling like vision is returning, both men go for another eye gouge – only to hit the robots instead. They both retract their hands in pain, shaking fingers that were driven into steel. Locking eyes on one another again, Marty and Zoran simultaneously stop shaking their fingers. Don’t show weakness.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men have each other scouted out so well, it’s like wrestling a mirror.
Phillip Blauer: Marty has been waiting three long years for revenge, I have no doubt he’s studied every move in Zoran’s arsenal – getting a veritable Masters degree on the Serbian’s move set, if any education facility offered such a bizarre program. Hardkore U? The point is that there isn’t a move that Marty doesn’t have an answer for-
Guillermo O’Bannon: The setting doesn’t lend itself to traditional technical displays, but I think we’re about to see a counter-trading masterpiece on our-
Rather than continue actually wrestling, the duo yank robots out of the chorus.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillip Blauer: Duelling it’s a small world bots!
Zoran Sainovic: En garde!
Marty Donovan: Wait- I'll get a french one...
This is a ruse to get a free shot in, as Marty doesn't actually care if his robot can translate for him.
#SMACK#
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the song heard around the world!
Even as the two men pivot, and swing, and miss, and smash, and almost take each other’s heads off – their horrific robotic weapons keep singing the damned song. It’s rather unnerving.
#There is just one mo-#
#SMASH#
#...d one golden su-#
#SMACK#
#An-#
#SMACK#
#...a smile means#
#TWWWWWACK#
#...iendship...#
#TWWWWWWWWWACK#
#...to…#
#THWICK#
#...ev'ryone#
#SMMMMMMACK#
#Though the mountains…#
#SMMMMACCCCCCK#
#...divide…#
#THWOOOOOORRRRK#
#And the oceans are wi-#
#C-C-CRRRRACK#
#It's a small world after all#
Phillip Blauer: HA! Big swing sees Marty knock the small world bot out of Zoran’s working hand! Now winding up for a big shot-
#It’s a small, small world#
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO! Zoran with a low angled sickle strike takes, Marty down-
Phillip Blauer: Finally a cover-
ONE!
No sooner, does Zoran hook a leg – then a small world robot is smashed over his back. Defiant, Zoran tries to hang onto the pin, but eats another robot shot. Bleeding profusely all over the land of childhood wonder, Sainovic staggers up to his feet, just in time to see-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: WHAT IS STEVE AWESOME DOING HERE?
Phillip Blauer: God I hope Disney hasn’t bought the rights to the Shit Storm franchise...
Guillermo O’Bannon: STEVEKO knocks Zoran out!
Slowly getting to his feet, Marty Donovan and Steve Awesome lock eyes, and start to stare each other down.
Phillip Blauer: It’s the HardKore World Champion staring down the Hardcore Champion of the world!
After a dramatic pause, Steve Awesome disappears into the chorus of creepy robot children.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome and Zoran Sainovic would have been the feud of last year if the XHF had an award show, and fourteen months into their bloodletting – I can see Awesome just dropping in to screw Sainovic out of our world title. Which he definitely did-
Phillip Blauer: If Marty remembers to pin him-
Realizing that this is apparently an actual match, Marty stops looking for Steve and turns back to Zoran – leaping on top for the cover.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THERE IT IS!
ONE!
TWO!
MASSIVE KICKOUT.
Phillip Blauer: The SteveKO would have done it – it’s done it before, but Marty took forever. Did they start singing that song again?
Yeah, the chorus starts up again. Grabbing the camera – a frustrated Marty smashes it across Zoran’s broken arm.
#BLACK#
#STATIC#
#BLACK#
The image returns at the foot of Swiss Family Treehouse, where an exhausted Marty kneels outside the entrance-
Marty Donovan: ...why are there so many stairs?
For want of a ramp. The camera that is on him gets shoved aside by an approaching Sainovic.
#STATIC#
#BLACK#
#BACK#
Another camera is substantially shakier and might be phone footage. The image returns just as Zoran shoves Marty’s head over the side of the Jungle Cruise – trying to feed it to an animatronic hippopotamus.
Zoran Sainovic: And so we see Marty, zat zere isn't a contest we will have zat doesn't end in you being digested-
Marty Donovan: NOT AGAIN!
Apparently this trauma has a circular pattern. Grabbing a fake a snake, Marty wraps it around Sainovic’s neck and chokes the older man, until both of them are firmly in the boat. Turning blue from lack of oxygen, Zoran rips off a piece of the boat that can be used as a shiv and slices the snake in half. Marty starts to look for another robot animal he can use as a weapon. Robot monkey! Cut in half. Robot toucan! Cut in half. Is that a robot parrot? No it's real, and flies away before Zoran can cut it in half. Marty tries to lift a robot leopard, but it is damn heavy, as Sainovic moves in for the kill.
Zoran Sainovic: It looks like braying jackass is about to join ze endangered species list..
Marty Donovan: Give me a minute, this thing weights a ton..
Guillermo O’Bannon: GOT ‘EM!
Phillip Blauer: Where am I looking?
Guillermo O'Bannon: The Jungle Cruise!
From the riverbank, the announcers once again find the match. They aren’t the only ones, as Sainovic’s wife and child also watch. Looking up, it's nice to have one's family there for a crowning moment... but not like this. Having Oliver’s eyes on him, Zoran once again drops the shiv – which is just the opening that Marty needs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did that bell come from?
Phillip Blauer: Where does any of it come from... this is the magic kingdom!
Greg Jin: At 47 minutes 12 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…’DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Greg, you're here too?
Greg Jin: That Krippendorf slide is insane.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, is it running now? Damn it... the line will be intense. How am I supposed to stand that long?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Marty Donovan successfully defends his HardKore World Championship against the man who fed him to the sarlaac!
Phillip Blauer: First Syberus, now Zoran, who is Marty going to beat next? Paramount?
On the ship both men collapse into bloody messes.
Marty Donovan: THAT’S RIGHT! THE NEXT TIME YOU TRY TO GET AN ALIEN TO DIGEST ME FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, MAKE SURE HIS IP CAN’T BE PURCHASED!
Marty Donovan can’t stand, but he still manages to rock a happy dance.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis was... fun. I could do zis .....every..... day.
Marty Donovan: Tough. You’re banned-
Zoran Sainovic: Without... ze crown… I have a LOT of time on my hands… I could be back here tomorrow.
Damn it. Marty swallows hard, and then takes the hint. Groaning, Donovan slowly rises to yell up at the spectators.
Marty Donovan: Where would Simba be without Scar? The Lion Prince? Would Ariel meet her prince without Ursula? I can see now that there is a place for villains in our Magic Kingdom, even Zoran. So I hereby rescind his ban on the condition that only finger foods will be purchased. NO CUTLERY! Allow me to be the first to welcome Zoran and his family to Disney World as my personal guests.
Everyone cheers. Except Marty, who feels hard done by. Only able to muster a smile for the cameras, the HKW champion soon slumps down to the deck of the Jungle Cruise joining Zoran in a pool of blood. As the two men sneer at each other, one thing is clear – this isn’t over.