GUNS Pokémon Day Special

[Dylan]

THIS EPISODE OF GUNS IS SPONSORED BY:

PRE-RECORDED LIVE FROM THE GUNS ARENA IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA

BANG! POW! KABOOM! The GUNS Arena is not as packed as usual as this show isn't sanctioned by the GUNS Committee but the few who snagged tickets are ready for a massive show! The camera swings to the desk where Tom Phillips sits hitting on a hottie behind him. His mic is, thankfully, muted but a crewmember taps his shoulder and lets him know he's live.

Phillips: Shit... Hello everyone! Welcome to the GUNS Pokémon Day Special! I'm Tom Phillips, here on my own for once, and our X*Crown Champion-
Magnus: Oh no the hell you don't!

Magnus is storming down to the commentary booth, grabs a headset, and sits down.

Phillips: Magnus! Once again, I didn't expect you to join us!
Magnus: You think because Dylan is copying Zoran, who copied me, he gets jurisdiction over my show? Fat chance!
Phillips: Well regardless of who's copying who, Dylan has helped organize a fantastic event for the GUNS fans. Let's throw it to Sylvia Starr for the first match.
Magnus: I can't believe my idea is getting redone again...
Phillips: Idea so nice it was copied twice!

In the ring, Sylvia stands surrounded by twenty or so people dressed in giant Pokémon costumes.

Sylvia Starr: The following contest is an over-the-top-rope battle royale where the winner will earn the right to represent Pokémon TV in the XHF Streaming Wars!

Sylvia quickly steps out of the ring as the bell rings.

DING DING! DING DING!

This would be a fast yet janky kind of match. Every person in their Poké suits had extremely limited mobility. They would all fight like hell as a big-money contract was on the line. The first elimination would come just minutes in as Infernape's chances were quickly extinguished by a rival Tyranitar, who roared in victory. He would quickly be eliminated by a Flygon who nailed a top-rope dropkick onto him! Hitmonchan would get a few solid hits on Ninetails to knock her out of the match while Hitmonlee would kick Ampharos out of the fray. The duo squared off and laid into each other with kicks and punches that would make even the most real XHF competitors cringe in fear. The rest of the competitors decided they were too big a threat to let stay in the match and teamed up to eliminate the duo of prize fighters.

Squirtle would be the next to go out, trying to nail a wave on Blaziken but the fire-type would pull the ropes and Squirtle crowd surfed into the fan's hearts. Blaziken would be laughing until Charizard swooped in and dumped him over the top rope, claiming the crown as supreme fire type! Absol and Typhlosion were the next two to be dumped out by a rather midget-sized Bulbasaur. Archanine would be military-pressed over the ropes by Flygon, the first to get to three eliminations. Bulbasaur would be second as they knocked Eevee over the top rope! There would be a gong and the lights would come out, and when they came back up Umbreon was in the ring! Umbreon would eliminate Bulbasaur and get mega heel heat for the Faces of Foley change in appearance!

Flygon would become the face of the match as they dropkicked Umbreon over the top rope, Maven style! Umbreon stood there in disbelief, before rolling back into the ring and laying the smackdown on Flygon! The boos were thunderous as Umbreon used their dark magic to kick Flygon out of the ring and the match! Security would rush down and drag Umbreon out of the ring, but Flygon went on the attack! These two were dragged apart as the crowd chanted "FIGHT FOREVER." Definitely a future GUNS main event between these two.

We are down to the final five. Pikachu, Gengar, Charizard, Dragonite, and Snorlax. Snorlax sat unmoved the entire match smack dab in the middle of the ring and despite various efforts by everyone, they couldn't get him up and over. Gengar went for a splash but Snorlax caught him and F5'd him out of the ring! Dragonite and Charizard had a dragon battle in one corner of the ring that resulted in the fake dragon dumping Dragonite out of the match! Adrien Cochrane was seething at home. Snorlax hit a corner splash on Charizard and tail whipped him out of the ring! Snorlax raises his hands in victory before Pikachu sneaks in and dumps Snorlax over the top! It's over!

DING DING! DING DING!

Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, and representative of Pokémon TV in the XHF Streaming Wars.

Who's That Pokémon meme guy: IT'S PIKACHU!

Sylvia Starr: ... PIKACHU!

The guy in the Pikachu costume celebrates in the ring before taking his head off. He grabs a mic and kicks the Pikachu head aside.

Pikachu: For those who don't know the real me, allow me to introduce myself. I am PokéDom, and I'm here to take over the Streaming Wars! I've done hard times behind the server walls and I am going to show everyone what it's like to be the baddest streamer on the planet!

PokéDom tosses the mic aside and heads up the ramp.

Phillips: What a great match, if the opener is going to be that intense I can't wait to see what the rest of the card has to offer!
Magnus: I can't believe I have to give a contract to that guy.

************

A big star on the door denotes the private dressing room of El Rey. Junior Heavyweight title aside, not having to mix with the boys is more related to the champion being the son of the co-founder. Needing to swap out his AA batteries, O.B.R.C. leaves his sentry position located just outside the door, wandering off to power-up.

The coast clear, a one-armed man lumbers across the hallway towards the Rey star.

Hand reaches doorknob.

“No.”

The heavily bruised mug of Zoran Sainovic turns to find Venom glaring at him.

Zoran Sainovic (bloodshot eyes): Round 2?

Venom: As fun as it is dropping buildings on you, Sainovic, I have too much invested in the Arena to make it a regular hobby. ...But I’ll be damned if I let you anywhere near my boy.

Zoran Sainovic: Clearly zere has been a miscommunication, and I have much to discuss with Rey.

Venom: Like you faking your injuries?

Zoran Sainovic (raising good hand): If I had use of both hands... don’t you zink zey’d be wrapped around your zroat right now?

Venom: I don’t know what your game is... but as long as you’re under contract, I’ll have you so busy working, that you won’t have time to fill my son’s head with thoughts of suicidal PRICE smack-talking adventure.

Zoran Sainovic: Despite being past my physical breaking point, I completed my third Crown run with a dizzying number of five star matches. I’ve set out and finished what I intended to do. ...What makes you zink I’m going to honour your malicious contract?

Venom: Because you’re a glorified pencil pusher, and the only thing you recognize is carrying out paperwork to the letter, kommissar.

God damn.

Zoran Sainovic (flinch): ...Who am I facing-

Venom: Oh, this match is a little too explosive for the Arena, but you’ll find your opponent in the parking lot-

Sainovic turns his eyes to the door again, thoughts of the lengthy conversation he has to have with El Rey. Nothing for him here but another round with Venom. Grumbling, Sainovic stomps off – getting halfway down the corridor before running into his Super Frenemy who has caught the scene.

Dylan Black: You want back up, Zoran?

Zoran Sainovic: Nah champ. Zanks for ze offer, but whatever tortures Venom and Magnus have devised, I can take ze pain. No need to give your title challenger a fighting chance by accidentally getting set on fire in ze undercard...

Dylan Black: If you’re sure...

Zoran Sainovic: Might as well bide our time. When we finally strike back- zey’ll wish zat zey were never born.

With that the unlikely top face of the XHF – where is the lie Mongo – turns to the camera with a wink.

************

The wall of muscle that is the Buckeye Bruiser moves his imposing frame into the centre of the ring with microphone in hand. Fury chants erupt throughout the arena for the man dubbed MISTER GUNS. Redmond smiles appreciatively, before putting his game face on, and arching an eyebrow at the backstage area.

Redmond Fury: At Night of Champions, Vile “Vince” Viper took something important from me... the XHF Phoenix Championship... and he did it in a way that both seriously injured me, and delivered OUR title to the hands of the hated CAR. Fortunately my pal, La Authentico Wombat, was able to wrestle the belt away from DINOSAUR BONES – but not before a lot of good people ended up reptile chow. That shouldn’t have happened. So where was I when these atrocities were committed? Nursing wounds, taking a step back, recovering as GUNS moved on...

The audience starts a “GUNS would never move on” chant – but it proves too complicated and ends up sounding like a black mass.

Redmond Fury: See along with stealing my title, Viper left me with some pretty nasty cuts. I’ve been trying to recover... but my story this forth season has seen some dubious characters (stares a hole through Magnus) take advantage of my weakened condition. If I had been at full strength, this would not have gone on as long as it did. Now Marty Donovan has our title – and I aim to win it back for GUNS!

Massive pop at the visual of Fury flexing his impossibly large biceps to pop Marty’s head like a pimple.

Redmond Fury: But to get back to being the PROTECT of GUNS, I have to put down this constant threat... BEEF!

HERE IT COMES!

Redmond Fury: BEEF – you have been a thorn in my side for too long, and tonight, I’m fixing to tenderize you!

“IS THAT SO!”

BEEF steps out through the back curtains, the crowd are electric – anticipating a singles encounter between these two that isn’t interrupted by Marty’s hijinks.

Magnus: THINK AGAIN.

BEEF smiles, as Fury turns back to the announce position.

Magnus: BEEF is too ripped to fit in the Snorlax costume we rented – so I found an opponent for you that is more fitting for tonight’s theme!

The crowd boo Magnus once again screwing them out of a Fury/Beef showdown.

Magnus: You want to get back into singles form- see how you stack up against our very special guest. ULTRA NECROZMA – I CHOOSE YOU!

Whether the rest of the show acknowledge Pokémon as actually existing, or just treat it as a popular Nintendo IP, is irrelevant as Ultra Necrozma bursts through the ceiling of GUNS Arena – and quickly attacks Redmond Fury.

Redmond Fury: Are you serious?

Magnus: As a heart attack!

Necrozma is studying you, it seems eager to do battle.

POKEMON LEGENDARY BATTLE

Redmond Fury vs. Ultra Necrozma

Necrozma’s aura flared to life!
Its stats rose!

Necrozma used power gem!

Phillips: it’s super effective!

Redmond Fury took 196 points of damage!

The Buckeye Bruiser uses PEC-PLEX!
It’s super effective!
The Buckeye Bruiser landed a Critical Hit, wishing to be praised!
Necrozma takes 500 points damage.

Phillips: That’s it! I knew you could do it!
Magnus: What a lucky bastard! But it's just a matter of time!

Necrozma uses smart strike!
Redmond Fury’s POSITIVE DISPOSITION took the brunt of it.
The Buckeye Bruiser’s POSITIVE DISPOSITION was busted!
Necrozma uses smart strike!

Phillips: It’s super effective!

Redmond Fury takes 90 points of damage.

Magnus: How many hit points does he have? Come on ref!
Phillips: Just a little more, hang in there Redmond!

The Buckeye Bruiser is storing his strength.
Necrozma uses Photon Geyser!

Phillips: It’s super effective!

Redmond Fury takes 140 points of damage!

Magnus: He’s a damned tank!
Phillips: Just a little more! Hang in there, Redmond!

The Buckeye Bruiser is still storing his strength.
Necrozma uses Dragon Pulse!
Redmond Fury takes 139 points of damage!
The Buckeye Bruiser toughed it out so you wouldn’t feel sad!
Redmond Fury is in a bit of a pinch; he looks like he might cry!
The Buckeye Bruiser hits a BUCKEYE BOMBER!
It isn’t very effective.
Necrozma takes 40 points of damage.

Magnus: Here it comes-
Phillips: I can’t watch!

Necrozma uses Dragon Pulse!
The Buckeye Bruiser toughed it out so you wouldn't feel sad!

Phillips: What is he made of!
Magnus: Abs of steel... I hate him so much!

Redmond Fury is in a bit of a pinch; he looks like he might cry!
The Buckeye Bruiser uses a BICEP SMASH!

Phillips: It’s super effective! That’s it; I knew you could do it!

Redmond Fury landed a CRITICAL HIT, wishing to be praised!

Magnus: NOOOO!

Necrozma fainted.
If this was inside DINOSAUR BONES then Redmond Fury would have gained a boosted 7,611 EXP. Points, and Poipole! Sadly, this is GUNS Arena, so all Redmond gets is a dirty look from Magnus!
Necrozma lost its light…
It disappeared into another world…

Phillips: What did we just see?
Magnus: Clearly special effects – everyone knows that Redmond Fury isn’t strong enough to take down Ultra Necrozma single-handed.

On the stage BEEF looks uncomfortable.

Redmond Fury: You’d better start learning Dragon Pulse, BEEF – because at GUNS Saint Patrick Day special – the rivers of GREEN are going to run RED with your blood!

The GUNS Arena pops hard for the threats of this legendary Pokémon killer, while BEEF mutters obscenities from the apron, and Magnus does the same on a live microphone.

************

Phillips: We’ve got the first defense of the GUNS Gentlemen’s Pairs Title next!
Magnus: We do NOT recognise this as a GUNS title!

A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.

Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tennis whites. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a sweatband that make him look like a very diseased uncut phallus. Blobby proudly holds the GUNS Gentlemens Pair trophy.

As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.

Noel Edmonds: Pokemon is just Welsh propaganda!

Phillips: Somewhere a kid in New Orleans is crying into his Blink t-shirt over that comment!
Magnus: We do NOT recognise this as a GUNS title!

Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's explaining how he might use the trophy later if he has company in his hotel room to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.

Phillips: Lets see if they can recover from the defeat last show on Valentine’s Day.
Magnus: I couldn’t even tell you who their opponents are. Noel told me they’d made quite a splash on the London scene.

Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to their corner as they await the bell.


The crowd go silent as the Iron Lady’s voice resonates.

Phillips: What is this?
Magnus: What happens when you let a jumped-up Englishman book his own opponents.

”The Lady is not for turning.”

Emerging from the back are two women who clearly have never done a harder day’s work than raise their voice at ‘the help’. Dressed in Schoffel gillets with the rest of their attire made up of Barbour and Fairfax and Favour. They seem taken aback by the reaction from certain sections of the crowd.

Fan: THATCHER WAS A WAR CRIMINAL!

Crowd: WHO THE FUCKING, WHO THE FUCKING, WHO THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU! WHO THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU?

Fan 2: Your free market economic policy was terrible!

Fan 3: My father was a miner!

Fan 2: My father DREAMED of being a miner!

Phillips: Where have the British come from?
Magnus: It’s the new bachelor party trend and also…Blobby invited them.

Unperturbed by the great unwashed masses the two women get to the ring but Noel cuts them off.

Noel Edmonds: Cut the music!

The music stops and now the two horsey-people look offended. Noel turns to the ref and points at their opponents.

Noel Edmonds: WHERE are their tennis whites? It clearly states that you MUST wear tennis whites. They’re not even in skirts…they’re in jodhpurs!

The camera catches Mr Blobby admiring the cut of their jodhpurs around the gluteus maximus.

Noel Edmonds: AND! And….they’re not eligible anyway…they’re not men! How can THEY compete for the GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Title?

Phillips: Didn’t you just say they booked this match themselves?
Magnus: Yep…

Noel Edmonds: Throw the match out. We win by Disqualification! Do it!

The referee complies.

Noel Edmonds: Now, with that being settled. Girls, I must say…smashing outfits, drinks?

Noel steps through the ropes and offers his arm but instead is receives a stereo slap as the women walk off.

************

Phillips: The show has been fantastic thus far-
Magnus: Save your false praise. If Dylan’s effort has been so good, then why is the arena only have full?
Phillips: I’m being told we have a massive crowd gathering just outside-
Magnus: OH THAT, yes, Venom’s contribution to this show is something special.

The camera cuts outside to the GUNS parking lot. Thousands of fans – paid ticketholders who have left the arena for the spectacle, and hundreds more that were just passing by, gather around a small clearing. A portion of the asphalt has been fenced off, with signs warning of explosives.

A tired looking figure makes his way through the crowd, more corpse than man – he slowly steps over the barricade.

Zoran Sainovic: Shall we get zis over with?

The crowd pops hard for the Final Boss.

“Took the words right out of my... out of my… what word am I looking for?”

Kris Quake: Mouth.

Randy Angel: If you sayso...

A dozen super sake bottles shatter on the ground as Randy Angel rises from his liquid courage throne. On the opposite side of the fenced lot, Off the Wagon have been getting their heroic buzz on. Kris Quake talks up his partner, who may have gone past the functional point of drinking to face his demons.

Zoran Sainovic (shakes head): A handicap match? I expected more from Venom...

Randy Angel: Idonneedhelptomessyou (hiccup) ...up.

Kris Quake (holds up a hand): Hey Zoran, how many fingers am I holding up?

Zoran Sainovic (still sporting the eyepatch from Quake’s hot sauce spree): SON OF A BITCH!

The Final Boss charges towards his rival alcohol promoters – when a production assistant hands him a phone. What?

Sylvia Starr: Ladies and gentlemen – the following contest is a POKEMON GO DEATH MATCH!

Zoran Sainovic: …damn it.

Sylvia Starr: Both participants have been handed phones with POKEMON GO loaded on them. They are only allowed to use the game in the area of the parking lot that has been specifically designated for it. The first participant to capture a Pidget – wins.

Phillips: Well that seems easy enough-
Magnus: Wait for it.

Sylvia Starr: ...also the area has been mined with C4 charges.

There’s the rub. Sainovic notices that Starr is standing off to the side. Realizing the real game, Sainovic starts to limp towards Randy – but can’t clear the gap in time.

Sylvia Starr: ZORAN SAINOVIC – RANDY ANGEL – GO CATCH!

POKEMON GO DEATH MATCH

Zoran Sainovic vs. Randy Angel

BOOM!

A massive explosion knocks Zoran back towards his side of the lot.

Phillips: They weren’t messing around.
Magnus: Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Literally smoking, Zoran rolls onto his side. Then stops himself. Is he on another charge? Lifting up the phone, he looks for nearby Pokemon? Here we go!

Zoran Sainovic: Ho-Oh? What ze hell is a Ho-Oh?

Phillips: It looks like Zoran is catching Pokémon, but not the Pidget he needs! Meanwhile, Randy... Oh I can’t watch...

Blind drunk, Randy staggers around his half of the parking lot. Despite taking a good forty more steps than Zoran, and quite a few tumbles – he doesn’t set off any bombs.

Phillips: Wait; did they put all the explosives on Zoran’s half?
Magnus: Please, like Venom would help Randy win......

Randy Angel: Etemon, I choose you!

Phillips: Randy slurring his digimon references. Get it together, Randy!
Magnus: Tom, how bad do you have to suck for Randy to be the preferred global show announcer?

Sainovic furrows his singed eyebrows as he collects a Snorlax. How many of these creatures are in this parking lot? Pidget must be very rare. He starts to wave his arm around, desperate not to move – but having a hard time finding the damn pigeon.

#BOOM#

He swung his arm too hard.

#BOOM#

And the blast threw him into another C4 charge-

#BOOM#

...and another.

Magnus: This will teach Zoran to build up Rey’s confidence!
Phillips: Seriously Magnus, I don’t know what matches you’ve been watching the past six months – but there is no way that Zoran is faking his injuries.

When the smoke finally clears, Zoran looks at his phone. He caught a Lugia. Is that a good thing? Thirty feet to the north, Randy Angel is having a nap – but the sleep terrors see the voice of the XHF tossing and turning, rolling all over the ground.

Phillips: How has Randy Angel managed to avoid touching even a single bomb?
Magnus: Are you kidding? Look at those slick moves – he’s like a drunken master. No doubt light as a feather!

Randy Angel gets up to... relieve himself, while Kris Quake cheers him on from the sidelines.

Kris Quake: How is your penmanship?

Randy Angel: Igotthis...

Phillips: They definitely put all the bombs next to Zoran.

#BOOM#

Magnus: DID RANDY’S STREAM FINALLY HIT SOMETHING?
Phillips: Nope, that was Zoran- who somehow managed to catch Zapdos while on fire. Still having the worst luck when it comes to catching a Pidget.

Blackened hand thrusting the phone up in the air, Zoran again looks for a signal without moving. Mew. No. Mewtwo. No. Moltres. That isn’t it. Wait, here we go- no that’s a Palkia. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Exhaling, Zoran puts a leg forward-

#BOOM#

Phillips: Zoran has been blown up so many times he’s starting to look like a warner brothers cartoon.
Magnus: This is so good it could be one of my OFFICIAL shows.
Phillips: Why does he do it? JUST STAY DOWN! Winning a Pokémon GO match isn’t worth the physical toll!
Magnus: Randy. Kris. Off the Wagon are responsible for more Sainovic losses in the last year than anyone else... he can barely see right now thanks to Quake, and Randy basically destroyed his killer image. Zoran would rather die than let these two beat him again, and I for one don’t have a problem with his dying.

#BOOM#

Magnus: It’s like the forth of July!

Zoran Sainovic (eyes swollen shut): Is zis... (holds phone up) it?

Sylvia Starr: That’s Galarian Articuno...

#BOOM#

Zoran Sainovic (barely able to talk): zis?

Sylvia Starr: No. Dragonite. Um, Zoran – can I have your GO account when this match is over?

Zoran Sainovic: Sur-

#BOOM#

Another explosion sends Sainovic flying a good ten feet up in the air, where he lands on-

#BOOM#

His phone. The explosion shatters it.

Phillips: PHONE DOWN! So is the match over?
Magnus: It should be a disqualification!
Phillips: It’s not Zoran’s fault that the phone broke – frankly it’s kind of amazing it lasted this long. Can we get him a replacement?
Magnus: NEVER! GUNS isn’t made of money-
Phillips: Well with no competition, it seems like only a question of time before Randy starts playing... and inevitably wins.

But at the moment Randy is telling Zoran what a great guy he is, at least he’s trying too, but is so black out drunk he’s making this confession to Quake. Oblivious, having gotten his own pre-match drink on, Quake is instead asking anyone who will listen why he hasn’t gotten a shot at Rey yet? King of the cruisers! ...he almost falls over.

Magnus: Well, they’ll figure it out eventually.
Phillips: This could take all night; shall we return the action to the arena?

#BOOM#

Magnus: Don’t you dare! HA, Zoran isn’t even breathing and he’s still setting them off.
Phillips: Well he might not survive the match, but if Zoran has proven anything since End of Days, its not to count him out, he somehow finds a way to make it work to his fav-

Copycat jumps out of the crowd, and snatches the phone out of Randy Angel’s hand.

Randy Angel: Hetookmybeer!

Kris Quake: That low down son of a BITCH.

Copycat starts to play with the phone, then notices Off the Wagon staggering after him. No time to think. What would Mr. Bradshaw do? Copycat heroically charges into the clearly mined part of the lot.

#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#
#BOOM#

His sprint sets off a dozen charges, but Copycat stays ahead of them – running towards his newfound friend. The fireworks are enough to sober Off the Wagon up, who slur obscenities from the safer looking section.

Magnus: GOD DAMN IT!
Phillips: Zoran paid for Copycat’s medical bills at our Valentine’s show, and it looks like he’s made a friend.
Magnus: THAT’S CHEATING! You didn’t see Quake helping Randy with the phone!
Phillips: Frankly, neither of them looked to be in the best of conditions to operate it. Frankly I’m worried about the pocket call voice messages the two may have left.

Diving away from the last explosion, Copycat lands next to his friend. Kneeling near Zoran’s gore covered body, Cat tries to act protective against the possible treat of Off the Wagon, while waving the phone around like he saw Zoran do. Wait, is that it? Copycat holds the phone up for Sylvia to see.

DING! DING! DING!

Sylvia Starr: That’s Pidget all right. We have a winner!

Magnus: THIS IS A TOTAL MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE!
Phillips: Copycat helping his new friend find a Pidget, showing that even as user numbers decline, Pokémon GO is still bringing us all together!

Sylvia Starr (getting a note): ......However, because it was Randy’s phone that caught it...

Phillips: Wait-
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sylvia Starr: The WINNER of this MATCH, and proud owner of a Pidget-
RAAAAAAAAAANDY AAAAAAAAAAANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off the Wagon celebrate like they just beat Zoran Sainovic again. It’s insufferable. Copycat looks confused, more so.

Phillips: Despite braving a minefield, Copycat accidentally screws over Zoran Sainovic. I hope this doesn’t end their budding friendship.
Magnus: How could it not?

Randy Angel: Wearethechampions-

Kris Quake: NO TIME FOR LOSERS-

#BOOM#

As Off the Wagon approach Zoran’s smouldering remains with a Queen ballad, they almost lose limbs setting off another explosion. Fortunately they avoid the fireball let off by the blast. Deciding to get the hell out of the parking lot, Off the Wagon continues their gloating in the angry crowd.

Phillips: I’d say Venom has made his point.
Magnus: If Zoran ever shows his face in GUNS again... well... he won’t be this lucky next time.

************

Back in the ring we find “The Forrest Kid” Johnny Styler waiting for his opponent. He’s strutting around the ring engaging with the crowd.

Magnus: Back in the day Johnny was a real threat to win every time he stepped in the ring.
Phillips: The Champ said as much too, but he also said those days are long gone.
Magnus: They may be, but Venom wouldn’t choose him for this if he didn’t still see that fire inside of him.
Phillips: Are you sure? Every opponent to this point that’s been put in front of El Rey in this gauntlet has been short work.
Magnus: I guess we’re about to find out.

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”

“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”

The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship around his waist. He looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.

Phillips: The champ looks like he’s back in form after his run in backstage with PRICE.
Magnus: Yes he does, but I bet he’s not going to run to the back again challenging hardcore legends.
Phillips: I’d take that bet.
Magnus: Nevermind. I’ve already lost enough in the divorce.

XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet Match
“The Forrest Kid” Johnny Styler vs El Rey (c)

Johnny Styler walks up to El Rey and yells “Woo!” right into the Champs face. El Rey smirks and then nails Styler with a right forearm shot, and another, and another until he backs Styler into the turnbuckle. El Rey doesn’t slow down his attack. He continues delivering right forearm shots until the ref moves in and pushes the champ back.

Phillips: The champ starting out on fire.
Magnus: The old vet wasn’t ready for his youthful fire.

The ref tells El Rey to stay out and turns back to Styler in the corner who is now bleeding profusely from the forehead. The ref asks Styler if he’s okay and gets no response, but Styler begins to walk out of the corner and then falls flat on his face. El Rey shrugs and quickly drops down, turning Styler over, and makes the cover 1, 2, no way Styler kicks out!

Magnus: I knew he still had some life in him.
Phillips: But how much could he possibly have. He’s already bleeding like crazy.

El Rey quickly gets up to his feet and delivers a few stomps down on his opponent. Once satisfied the bloodied former champ isn’t getting back up El Rey moves over to the corner and climbs up to the top turnbuckle. El Rey gives a cocky smirk before flying off with a 680 senton. El Rey hits with great impact and quickly pops up and dives on his opponent. 1, 2, 3!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion: El Rey!

Magnus: I guess I was wrong about Johnny. He does not still have the fire left. At least not today.
Phillips: After that last impact he might not have much left at all.

************

Phillips: Dylan ended the last GUNS show with an open challenge to anybody in the back of the arena to come out and test their might against the champion!
Magnus: The look on his face is going to be hilarious when BEEF walks out and punks him.

The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.

You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad

All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.

If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me

IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. Around his waist sits the XHF X*Crown Championship and, noticeably behind it, the GWA World Championship. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Antonio Katō stands on the apron, microphone in hand as the music dies down.

Antonio Katō: And now in the ring at this time... HE STANDS AT SIX-FEET-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at a slim TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS, he is the GREATEST UNDERAPPRECIATED NETWORK STAR, ZORAN SAINOVIC'S SUPER FRENEMY, and you all know him as the GREATEST X*CROWN CHAMPION OF THE XHF NETWORK ERA! THE DAAAAAAAAAEMON! OF MAAAAAAAYHEM! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!

Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to grab a microphone from a ringside attendant before hanging the X*Crown over his shoulder.

Dylan Black: I've been eager for this day. The first event I booked for GUNS will culminate in a main event match with me in it! Me! I am pumped, and I am ready to Start a Fire with anyone in the back! All of those Nerds don't have what it takes to beat me. Or Zoran. Or anyone in our Brotherhood of Frienemy-ship. I am ready to get ridin' dirty with whoever wants to take a Calculated Risk and call your shot at the X*Crown. So GUNS Locker Room. Do you want some? COME. GET SOME!

Phillips: The challenge has been laid out. But who will take the call?
Magnus: BEEF. Duh.

Suddenly all the lights in the arena go out. There's a pause, electricity crackling through the arena. When suddenly...

SUPER ULTRA MEGA BADDIE BITCHES POP OF THE CENTURY!

Magnus: No. NO. NO FUCKONG WAY!
Phillips: THE J-ROK HALL OF FAMER. IN THE HOUSE! IN THE HOUSE THAT A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE AJ STYLE BUILT?
Magnus: SHUT UP PHILLIPS YOUR TALKING IS RUINING THE MOMENT!

Sylvia Starr: AND HIS OPPONENT...

The spotlights all shine on the entrance where a hand slips through. Flicks open a set of glasses. Slips back into the back. And then through the curtains steps...
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Sylvia Starr: ..."Silver Kiss" Sexter Point?

Record scratch.

Wait, what?

"White & Nerdy" is quickly replaced by Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" and the sexual Icon of Champoon Wrasslin', Sexter Loint slips through the curtain. Donning Dexter Point's famous attire, the electric buzz has turned to thunderous boos as Dylan cannot stop laughing in the middle of the ring. Sexter does a few of Dexter's classic moves on the way down, like jumping over the top rope after seeing someone who looks like Faith Dunkarino and pretending to die before his lawyer tells him death isn't allowed in efedding. Dexter rolls in the ring and squares up with Dylan Black... square's up with his torso. Dylan has a whole foot on the Silver Kiss and takes that foot at shoves it up his ass before the bell rings!

MAIN EVENT
20 MINUTE TIME LIMIT
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
Dylan Black(c) vs Dexter Point Sexter Loint
Special Guest Referee: DW's The Ref's Brother's Uncle's Cousin's Monkey's Sister's severed paw

DING DING! DING DING!

Sexter Loint charges the champion but Dylan Black drives a stiff knee into the gut of the Silver Kiss. Doubling over, Sexter is pounded from behind with a large fist to the back of the head! He drops to his knees and Dylan rebounds off the ropes for a big jumping move! The Silver Kiss rolls out of the way and Dylan stomps on the ground, turning into a lariat from Sexter Loint!... the lariat doesn't do anything... Dylan smiles and shoves Sexter back into the ropes, giving him momentum to rebound for a LAAAAAAAARIAAAAAAAAT!....... that barely fazes Dylan. Dylan wraps both hands around the thin neck of Loint and CHOKEBOMBS HIM ONTO THE MAT! The boos don't stop as Dylan lifts Sexter up by his silvery hair, boosting him onto his shoulders for his finisher! But Sexter slips off and grabs Dylan's wrist! He makes Dylan grab his crotch and dick flips the X*Crown Champion!

Phillips: Now that's a move I gotta try!
Magnus: What the fuck is wrong with my show...

Dylan is back flat on the mat holding his head as Sexter stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry! He gyrates Big E style to the "New Day Rocks" chant but the crowd is chanting (in his mind) "Sex Ter Loint." He then does the worm before nailing an elbow on the downed Dylan. Dylan coughs and sputters on the mat as the Silver Kiss stalks him. Dylan begins to push himself to his feet and Sexter jumps up and over... LADIES' FAVORITE! ZIG ZAG IN THE RING! Sexter makes the cover but the paw doesn't move. Because it's severed? Sexter takes the paw and makes the count, one, two, KICKOUT! Champ is still in it.

Phillips: A second later and GUNS would have been slotted out of the top spot in the Network.
Magnus: Pssh and what, they'd un-archive Champoon to put them over us? Not a chance!

Sexter is frustrated and he runs to the nearest corner. He climbs to the top rope and looks out across the GUNS Universe. They're... lollygagging. Meandering. They don't give a fuck. Sexter goes for an OTTR/FO/Finisher move, a calculated risk if I've ever seen one. THE BEDTIME KISS! MOONSAULT THAT DOES NOT CONNECT! DYLAN ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND SEXTER LANDS SILVERY CHEST HAIR-FIRST ON THE MAT! Dylan pushes himself to his feet and sees Sexter on the ground, he grabs his hands and DYNAMIC OUTRO! Dylan stomps Sexter's head in and then grabs the glasses off of Sexter's face! He laughs as he runs the ropes and drops a leg across the back of Sexter's neck! Dylan rolls Sexter over and grabs the monkey paw, one, two, three! It's over!

DING DING! DING DING!

Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match and STILL XHF X*Crown Champion, Dylan Black!

Dylan laughs as he reaches for a mic.

Dylan Black: BAHAHA! You stupid redneck fucks are FOOLS! Do you think Dexter Point would ever step out of retirement? Show his sorry face around this world again! UH UH! He made a calculated decision to stay home because DEXTER CAN'T HANG! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Dylan grabs the GWA World Championship and XHF X*Crown Championship and raises them in the air, as the crowd boo at the lack of their hero. If only there were a Dexter to shut Dylan up...

Magnus: Well I think we've run out of time. I don't care what other shenanigans Dylan has, let's shut this off before he gets more money!
Phillips: Magnus says thanks for tuning in to tonight's show! See you in March for the Saint Patty's Day show!