Gran Fiesta Tour Starring The Three Caballeros
Mar 5, 2023 22:45:55 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Mar 5, 2023 22:45:55 GMT -5
(We open outside on a shot of Ollie Oldham looking incredibly confused. The camera pans across and we see the Reedy Creek Racing garage. The sign however has changed.)
Ollie: Central Florida Tourism Oversight District Driving?
(She walks over and reads aloud a letter taped to the door.)
Ollie: “Olivia. Disney World has fallen. I have fled to Skywalker Ranch. You must rally our forces in Anaheim and bring balance to the force.” What is George talking about?
(The door opens and we see a smug man dressed in the tights and cloak of Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. It is Florida governor Ron Desantis.)
Desantis: My heroic defeat of the corporate kingdom!
Ollie: Oh. Yuck.
Desantis: The costume is to remind you girls to behave like sleeping beauties and not woke warriors. I’m cleaning this place up, starting with your sinful race team. No more of these anamorphic car sluts flashing their high beams. I’ve picked a much better CGI series.
(He hands a red racing helmet to Ollie. She turns it over to reveal the smiling face of Bob from VeggieTales.)
Ollie: I’m going to be sick.
(We see Marty Donovan proudly standing in his home office. The walls are covered in championship belts and something new, a statue of Zoran Sainovic frozen in carbonite.)
Marty: A fitting trophy for the man who slain Sanovic. I'm the freaking holy CARdinal now after Killing Memaw’s nemesis. All the teams should give us half their points out of respect.
(Marty caresses the Star Wars prop, a little too lovingly.)
Marty: The imagineers nailed it. You would swear that’s the real Zoran frozen on my wall.
(Marty’s smile fades and he looks at the statue nervously. We see Ollie weeping and slumped over the hood of her race car which has now been repainted to be a smiling cucumber.)
Ollie: Look how they massacred my boy.
Desantis: Goodbye Lighting! Hello Larry! That’s the car's name. Your helmet is Bob.
Ollie: I grew up in Montana, Ron. I know which one is the fucking cucumber!
(The shot cuts back to Marty's trophy room. He has three different fans blowing on the zoran statue while holding a cellphone to his ear.)
Marty: George! Sorry for the multiple voicemails. Tell me canonically how long carbonite lasts. I’m not crazy, Disney actually made a functioning lightsaber for Rise of the Resistance. I see all these flashing buttons on the side panel. Some of them are red. Is that bad? Call me ASAP!
(Marty begins to pound on the panel in frustration. The double AA batteries fall out and the lights turn off. He shrieks in terror. Cut to Ollie sitting in the remodeled race car. She fearfully reaches out and presses a button on the sound board labeled “Kachow”.)
Soundboard: Climate change is fake!
(She lowers her tomato helmet in shame. We see Marty frantically nailing boards to the door in his house as if it were a zombie movie. The phone on the table rings and he answers.)
Marty: Hello?
Zoran: Marty! How on Earth does park hopper work? I have to drive all ze way to Animal Kingdom just to make afternoon plans for EPCOT?
Marty: I don’t understand! How is this even possible?
Zoran: I mean, you’re ze Disney guy. You tell me!
Marty: Are you inside my house? Am I Drew Barrymore?
Zoran: What? I just want to take my son on Frozen Ever After?
Marty:Stop lying, ghostface!
(Zoran chuckles and speaks with a scary voice.)
Zoran: Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
Marty: STAY AWAY YOU SERBIAN MATTHEW LILLARD!
(Marty slams down the phone and runs out the front door. We cut to inside the Gran Fiesta Tour where Ron Desantis stands on a Mexican pyramid and screams at cast members.)
Desantis: I don’t care where Panchito is from! Change these songs to English.
(Ollie approaches and he hands her a napkin.)
Desantis: I designed your new team logo. Go to the mall and get some shirts made.
(The camera zooms in on his drawing. It shows the VeggieTales car running over Dr.Fauci.)
Ollie: Look, you got control of the municipal board. That doesn’t make you the new Walt Disney. Reedy Creek Racing isn’t changing to push your hateful agenda.
Ron: I'm not giving you a choice, sister. You want to keep your job? Do what I say or you’ll be hawking your boyfriend's wrestling merch in a middle school gym soon.
(The governor swaggers away. Ollie smiles as she gets an idea.)
Ollie: Wrestling merch.
(Cut to outside Marty’s mansion in the middle of a thunderstorm. Marty burst out the door running for his life. A large figure emerges from the brush and Marty falls to his knees.)
Marty: Please don't stab me! I still haven’t ridden Tron: Lightcycle!
(The figure approaches and we see it is a man in a gilly suit.)
Marty: Oh, thank goodness. It is just a skunk ape. I think they’re herbivores. Honestly, anything is better than Zoran.
(The gilly suit mask is removed and we see a furious Deacon Oldham.)
Deacon: There he is, the spineless coward that likes to propose to women without their father’s blessing. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out, boy?
Marty: Almost anything…
(Back at Gran Fiesta, a frowning Ollie walks in with a box of merchandise. She wears a hat and shirt with the new logo.)
Ollie: Here are your stupid shirts and hats. Don’t tell me you’re going to shoot a gloating video.
Desantis: You better believe I am. Swag me up, woman.
(Ollie walks behind him and places a hat on Ron's head before recording on her phone.)
Desantis: See this everybody. Proof of the positive changes I am bringing to Disney. This right here is what I value most. This logo represents the things I stand for and what your vote means for the future of Florida.
(Ollie stops shooting the video and smiles.)
Ollie: Thanks, that's all I needed. The video is already saved on the Skywalker Ranch server. You won’t even be able to win a school board seat if you ever threaten my team again.
(Terrified, Ron reaches up with trembling hands. He removes the hat and looks at what it actually says.)
LGBTKO
(The Governor shrieks in horror and stumbles backwards, falling into the artificial canal.)
Desantis: Help! The water at Disney makes you gay!
Ollie: That isn’t true.
Desantis: Then why does Gaston keep giving me a boner?
(Ollie shakes her head. The shot fades out as Ron splashes around.)
Ollie: Central Florida Tourism Oversight District Driving?
(She walks over and reads aloud a letter taped to the door.)
Ollie: “Olivia. Disney World has fallen. I have fled to Skywalker Ranch. You must rally our forces in Anaheim and bring balance to the force.” What is George talking about?
(The door opens and we see a smug man dressed in the tights and cloak of Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. It is Florida governor Ron Desantis.)
Desantis: My heroic defeat of the corporate kingdom!
Ollie: Oh. Yuck.
Desantis: The costume is to remind you girls to behave like sleeping beauties and not woke warriors. I’m cleaning this place up, starting with your sinful race team. No more of these anamorphic car sluts flashing their high beams. I’ve picked a much better CGI series.
(He hands a red racing helmet to Ollie. She turns it over to reveal the smiling face of Bob from VeggieTales.)
Ollie: I’m going to be sick.
(We see Marty Donovan proudly standing in his home office. The walls are covered in championship belts and something new, a statue of Zoran Sainovic frozen in carbonite.)
Marty: A fitting trophy for the man who slain Sanovic. I'm the freaking holy CARdinal now after Killing Memaw’s nemesis. All the teams should give us half their points out of respect.
(Marty caresses the Star Wars prop, a little too lovingly.)
Marty: The imagineers nailed it. You would swear that’s the real Zoran frozen on my wall.
(Marty’s smile fades and he looks at the statue nervously. We see Ollie weeping and slumped over the hood of her race car which has now been repainted to be a smiling cucumber.)
Ollie: Look how they massacred my boy.
Desantis: Goodbye Lighting! Hello Larry! That’s the car's name. Your helmet is Bob.
Ollie: I grew up in Montana, Ron. I know which one is the fucking cucumber!
(The shot cuts back to Marty's trophy room. He has three different fans blowing on the zoran statue while holding a cellphone to his ear.)
Marty: George! Sorry for the multiple voicemails. Tell me canonically how long carbonite lasts. I’m not crazy, Disney actually made a functioning lightsaber for Rise of the Resistance. I see all these flashing buttons on the side panel. Some of them are red. Is that bad? Call me ASAP!
(Marty begins to pound on the panel in frustration. The double AA batteries fall out and the lights turn off. He shrieks in terror. Cut to Ollie sitting in the remodeled race car. She fearfully reaches out and presses a button on the sound board labeled “Kachow”.)
Soundboard: Climate change is fake!
(She lowers her tomato helmet in shame. We see Marty frantically nailing boards to the door in his house as if it were a zombie movie. The phone on the table rings and he answers.)
Marty: Hello?
Zoran: Marty! How on Earth does park hopper work? I have to drive all ze way to Animal Kingdom just to make afternoon plans for EPCOT?
Marty: I don’t understand! How is this even possible?
Zoran: I mean, you’re ze Disney guy. You tell me!
Marty: Are you inside my house? Am I Drew Barrymore?
Zoran: What? I just want to take my son on Frozen Ever After?
Marty:Stop lying, ghostface!
(Zoran chuckles and speaks with a scary voice.)
Zoran: Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
Marty: STAY AWAY YOU SERBIAN MATTHEW LILLARD!
(Marty slams down the phone and runs out the front door. We cut to inside the Gran Fiesta Tour where Ron Desantis stands on a Mexican pyramid and screams at cast members.)
Desantis: I don’t care where Panchito is from! Change these songs to English.
(Ollie approaches and he hands her a napkin.)
Desantis: I designed your new team logo. Go to the mall and get some shirts made.
(The camera zooms in on his drawing. It shows the VeggieTales car running over Dr.Fauci.)
Ollie: Look, you got control of the municipal board. That doesn’t make you the new Walt Disney. Reedy Creek Racing isn’t changing to push your hateful agenda.
Ron: I'm not giving you a choice, sister. You want to keep your job? Do what I say or you’ll be hawking your boyfriend's wrestling merch in a middle school gym soon.
(The governor swaggers away. Ollie smiles as she gets an idea.)
Ollie: Wrestling merch.
(Cut to outside Marty’s mansion in the middle of a thunderstorm. Marty burst out the door running for his life. A large figure emerges from the brush and Marty falls to his knees.)
Marty: Please don't stab me! I still haven’t ridden Tron: Lightcycle!
(The figure approaches and we see it is a man in a gilly suit.)
Marty: Oh, thank goodness. It is just a skunk ape. I think they’re herbivores. Honestly, anything is better than Zoran.
(The gilly suit mask is removed and we see a furious Deacon Oldham.)
Deacon: There he is, the spineless coward that likes to propose to women without their father’s blessing. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out, boy?
Marty: Almost anything…
(Back at Gran Fiesta, a frowning Ollie walks in with a box of merchandise. She wears a hat and shirt with the new logo.)
Ollie: Here are your stupid shirts and hats. Don’t tell me you’re going to shoot a gloating video.
Desantis: You better believe I am. Swag me up, woman.
(Ollie walks behind him and places a hat on Ron's head before recording on her phone.)
Desantis: See this everybody. Proof of the positive changes I am bringing to Disney. This right here is what I value most. This logo represents the things I stand for and what your vote means for the future of Florida.
(Ollie stops shooting the video and smiles.)
Ollie: Thanks, that's all I needed. The video is already saved on the Skywalker Ranch server. You won’t even be able to win a school board seat if you ever threaten my team again.
(Terrified, Ron reaches up with trembling hands. He removes the hat and looks at what it actually says.)
LGBTKO
(The Governor shrieks in horror and stumbles backwards, falling into the artificial canal.)
Desantis: Help! The water at Disney makes you gay!
Ollie: That isn’t true.
Desantis: Then why does Gaston keep giving me a boner?
(Ollie shakes her head. The shot fades out as Ron splashes around.)