Project Blackmail (Part 7) [Junior Heavyweight Match!]
Mar 7, 2023 6:19:39 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, bloodiedfox, and 4 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Mar 7, 2023 6:19:39 GMT -5
*A gavel pounds as we pan up to…*
*Yes, this is a court scene. Bad to the Bone are all in judge’s wigs as they look down on the Star Trekker who stands across from them.*
LD: Hear ye! Hear ye! Today here in wrestler’s court we will be trying the Star Tre-
Trekker: Wrestlers court? There’s no way that’s a real thing.
LD: I assure you that it is, also I’d like to assure you that you are on trial.
Trekker: Is this about the whole blackmailing you guys thing?
LD: Yes, of course it is. You have made a GRAVE ERROR in trying to blackmail blackmailers!
Trekker: Ok, cool. But uh, why did you wait a month to start the trial.
*There’s a pause as BttB discuss among themselves. Finally Lord Dominicus bangs his gavel more.*
LD: SILENCE! I will have you know that we’ve been very busy! We’ve been preparing, and scheming, and doing other things!
DB: I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY WITH MY NEW FED THANK YOU VERY MUCH! PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN.
Trekker: Sure, I guess.
DB: …THAT WAS INTENDED TO BE A THREAT.
Trekker: Oh, well uh…so was my response.
*Dinosaur Bones turns to Lord Dominicus for a quiet aside.*
DB: SHE’S VERY GOOD AT THIS.
*Dominicus pounds his gavel more*
LD: Now I will read the charges against the defendant. Star Trekker, you stand accused of: Blackmail, being a nuisance, being a distraction, being an interloper, being a stowaway-
Trekker: Objection! A stowaway is basically the same thing as an interloper.
*The DARK LORD OF THE XHF NETWORK looks to his fellow judges, they seem ambiguous about it.*
LD: Fine, I’ll strike stowaway off of the list, but I for the record I feel really bad about it. Where were we, ah yes, charges: Being such a distraction so that we can’t properly blackmail anyone-
Trekker: Objection! Again! Distraction is already on the list.
LD: ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT TRYING TO DISTRACT ME ABOUT YOU BEING A DISTRACTION!?
*He hammers his gavel repeatedly.*
LD: I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURT!
*The most recent Fan Belt winner points his gavel at Trekker.*
LD: How does the accused plea?
*She thinks. The impressive part is that during the moments she stands there, Lord Dominicus holds his pointing pose. It’s almost like a picture, except that you can see people breathing.*
Trekker: I’d like to request a recess.
DB: DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN EAT CHILDREN OFF OF THE MONKEY BARS?
*Dominicus face palms and slams bangs his gavel a few more times as we do a quick fade out.*
“This is how you do it, right El Rey? Speaking in a dark and creepy room to save on camera expenses? Come in with your jibs and your jabs and whatnot?”
*The blackness is suddenly filled with the sounds of things falling*
“AH! TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”
*Somebody flicks a light switch on and we find ourselves sin the currently shared bedroom of the Bad to the Bone crew. Lord Dominicus is on the floor rubbing his head.*
BB: Tal vez si no estuvieras paseando...
LD: Talking in the dark is stupid anyway. But I meant to be here-
*He points at the camera.*
LD: -Just so you know. You see here we are in the DominiBedroom! Home to the only weapon allowed in the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship match- pillows!
*He jumps on the bed and prowls around sexily like a cat.*
LD: As you can see, I am in my element here!
*We get a sexy Domini-paw at the camera*
LD: You think that you can win when I’m the master the FLUFFY DOMAIN OF PILLOWS!? You are wrong! Soon I will be the new champion of Junior Heavyweights and you, El Rey, will just be the FORMER SKINNY BOY CHAMPION!
BB: And former X*Crown Champion.
*Beat.*
LD: …YOU’RE NOT HELPING!
*With the Wrestler’s Court on recess, Trekker paces in her room trying to figure out what to do. She seems greatly concerned.*
Trekker: Oh no, I didn’t think I’d end up getting in trouble for blackmailing them…
*She looks at a sticker on her laptop that reads, “WWWD.” She rubs her chin in a DominiThink pose.*
Trekker: Yes, what would Wesley do? He’s been in this situation before…
*The living embodiment of Star Trek snaps her fingers.*
Trekker: Yes! He’d ask Captain Picard!
*She pulls out her phone and starts dialing. Soon on a split screen we get…*
Sir Patrick Stewart: Yes, hello?
Trekker: Admiral?
SPS: Ah, Star Trekker! How are you? I am currently filming for this exciting final season of Star Trek: Picard!
*He winks at the camera, since almost certainly the show has finished filming by now.*
Trekker: Yes! Star Trek: Picard has been great so far, and is streaming on Paramount+- I hope nobody misses any of it! Anyway, Admiral Picard, I need your help.
SPS: I’m not actually Admiral Picard, from the hit Star Trek series Picard and also the Next Generation-
Trekker: -Streaming on Paramount+.
SPS: I just play him on those shows.
Trekker: Yeah, that’s fine. Anyway you’re old and probably wise or whatever.
*He just blinks at the camera*
Trekker: I’m on trial for something and I’ve been asked how I plea.
SPS: I see. Well, Trekker, do you remember the episode First Duty?
Trekker: The Star Trek the Next Generation episode streaming on Paramount+, of course!
SPS: Well in that episode I advised a young Wesley Crusher to tell the truth. It seems reasonable that you should do the same here.
Trekker: Thank you sir! You’re a lifesaver!
SPS: Any time for a fa-
*She’s already hung up.*
*Gavel bangs reintroduce us to the court.*
LD: How do you plea, interloper?
Trekker: Guilty.
*The Bad to the Bone judges seem surprise.*
Trekker: I am guilty of all of the things you’ve accused me of…
*We get a dramatic slow pan around the room while the camera focuses on Trekker as she tells her truths.*
Trekker: I was sent here by Paramount+ specifically to distract from Reedy Creek Racing- and through them, Disney. Bad to the Bone Racing had a good record so it made sense to team with you guys. Also, you guys are somehow less outwardly evil than the AMC or the EOD.
*Quick cut to the bench where LD and DB are SHOCKED, SHOCKED at that accusation. Dinosaur Bones would be clutching pearls if his tiny arms could reach their neck- and if they were wearing pearls. BB nods along, listening carefully.*
Trekker: …Plus the least evil team, MOTHER, has less team coherency than the Star Wars prequel’s writing- not to mention a real “And the Children Shall Lead” problem. So I forcibly joint myself with your team and when you became difficult I blackmailed you in order to assure that this plan would continue. Guilty, I am guilty on all charges.
*We fade on the “judges” DominiThinking.*
*Lord Dominicus is in the BttBR garage as he leans against the DominiCruiser.*
LD: Look, CAR-horts, I don’t want to be a jerk about it, but none of you stand a chance. As racers you may consider me a peer- though I’m not, clearly my team is better than yours- but as a wrestler?
*He shakes his finger at the camera.*
LD: Oh there’s nobody who can compare.
BB (From behind the camera): What about Marty? He’s a world champion.
LD: Wait, is he in the match?
BB: His team is sending somebody, so it’d make sense. Who else would the send, Ollie? Also Copycat.
LD: Who?
BB: Copycat.
LD: I don’t know who that is. The point is that while all of you may be mediocre drivers, I am the DARK LORD OF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHTS! Do you think you can measure up without your pathetic doof floofs, tentacles, angry cats, cardboard cars, and Disney bs? HA! All you have in this match are pillows! But me?
*Dominicus thumb-points at himself.*
LD: I have pillows AND cheating! Also, if any of you try winning I’ll reveal your team’s secrets. HA! YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL, DIDN’T YOU!? I DIDN’T!
*He finger points at the camera.*
LD: I hope you like losing, losers.
*And we fade back!*
LD: Star Trekker, you have been found guilty on all accounts.
DB: ESPECIALLY BECAUSE YOU ADMITTED EVERYTHING.
LD: Big Bone will now hand down your sentence.
*Everyone turns to the least-evil member of the team.*
BB: You have to buy everyone lunch.
*Silence falls over the court.*
Trekker: Wait, what? That’s it?
LD: DO YOU DARE ARGUE AGAINST WRESTLER COURT RULES?!
*She puts her hands up defensively.*
Trekker: Nope, not at all, sounds good and not stupid at all.
LD: Well if that’s all-
Trekker: Also I was masturbating on Sub Rosa day.
*SMASH CUT TO the ending theme.*
The Optional Match Enhancer Questions:
1. Preference on the use of pillows vs. blanket?
LD: I will use all that I am allowed in a way that benefits me. If that means rolling myself into a blanket burrito so that El Rey and the rest shiver in the cold all night, so be it.
2. How does your wrestler respond to a pillow to the face?
LD: HAHA! YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD BEFUDDLE ME!? YOU HAVE ONLY MADE ME MORE COMFORTABLE!
3. How will your wrestler be eliminated?
LD: WHAT A PREPOSTEROUS QUESTION! I WILL BE THE LAST PILLOWER STANDING!
*Yes, this is a court scene. Bad to the Bone are all in judge’s wigs as they look down on the Star Trekker who stands across from them.*
LD: Hear ye! Hear ye! Today here in wrestler’s court we will be trying the Star Tre-
Trekker: Wrestlers court? There’s no way that’s a real thing.
LD: I assure you that it is, also I’d like to assure you that you are on trial.
Trekker: Is this about the whole blackmailing you guys thing?
LD: Yes, of course it is. You have made a GRAVE ERROR in trying to blackmail blackmailers!
Trekker: Ok, cool. But uh, why did you wait a month to start the trial.
*There’s a pause as BttB discuss among themselves. Finally Lord Dominicus bangs his gavel more.*
LD: SILENCE! I will have you know that we’ve been very busy! We’ve been preparing, and scheming, and doing other things!
DB: I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY WITH MY NEW FED THANK YOU VERY MUCH! PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN.
Trekker: Sure, I guess.
DB: …THAT WAS INTENDED TO BE A THREAT.
Trekker: Oh, well uh…so was my response.
*Dinosaur Bones turns to Lord Dominicus for a quiet aside.*
DB: SHE’S VERY GOOD AT THIS.
“The Trial of the Star Trekker”
*Dominicus pounds his gavel more*
LD: Now I will read the charges against the defendant. Star Trekker, you stand accused of: Blackmail, being a nuisance, being a distraction, being an interloper, being a stowaway-
Trekker: Objection! A stowaway is basically the same thing as an interloper.
*The DARK LORD OF THE XHF NETWORK looks to his fellow judges, they seem ambiguous about it.*
LD: Fine, I’ll strike stowaway off of the list, but I for the record I feel really bad about it. Where were we, ah yes, charges: Being such a distraction so that we can’t properly blackmail anyone-
Trekker: Objection! Again! Distraction is already on the list.
LD: ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT TRYING TO DISTRACT ME ABOUT YOU BEING A DISTRACTION!?
*He hammers his gavel repeatedly.*
LD: I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURT!
*The most recent Fan Belt winner points his gavel at Trekker.*
LD: How does the accused plea?
*She thinks. The impressive part is that during the moments she stands there, Lord Dominicus holds his pointing pose. It’s almost like a picture, except that you can see people breathing.*
Trekker: I’d like to request a recess.
DB: DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN EAT CHILDREN OFF OF THE MONKEY BARS?
*Dominicus face palms and slams bangs his gavel a few more times as we do a quick fade out.*
“This is how you do it, right El Rey? Speaking in a dark and creepy room to save on camera expenses? Come in with your jibs and your jabs and whatnot?”
*The blackness is suddenly filled with the sounds of things falling*
“AH! TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”
*Somebody flicks a light switch on and we find ourselves sin the currently shared bedroom of the Bad to the Bone crew. Lord Dominicus is on the floor rubbing his head.*
BB: Tal vez si no estuvieras paseando...
LD: Talking in the dark is stupid anyway. But I meant to be here-
*He points at the camera.*
LD: -Just so you know. You see here we are in the DominiBedroom! Home to the only weapon allowed in the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship match- pillows!
*He jumps on the bed and prowls around sexily like a cat.*
LD: As you can see, I am in my element here!
*We get a sexy Domini-paw at the camera*
LD: You think that you can win when I’m the master the FLUFFY DOMAIN OF PILLOWS!? You are wrong! Soon I will be the new champion of Junior Heavyweights and you, El Rey, will just be the FORMER SKINNY BOY CHAMPION!
BB: And former X*Crown Champion.
*Beat.*
LD: …YOU’RE NOT HELPING!
*With the Wrestler’s Court on recess, Trekker paces in her room trying to figure out what to do. She seems greatly concerned.*
Trekker: Oh no, I didn’t think I’d end up getting in trouble for blackmailing them…
*She looks at a sticker on her laptop that reads, “WWWD.” She rubs her chin in a DominiThink pose.*
Trekker: Yes, what would Wesley do? He’s been in this situation before…
*The living embodiment of Star Trek snaps her fingers.*
Trekker: Yes! He’d ask Captain Picard!
*She pulls out her phone and starts dialing. Soon on a split screen we get…*
Sir Patrick Stewart: Yes, hello?
Trekker: Admiral?
SPS: Ah, Star Trekker! How are you? I am currently filming for this exciting final season of Star Trek: Picard!
*He winks at the camera, since almost certainly the show has finished filming by now.*
Trekker: Yes! Star Trek: Picard has been great so far, and is streaming on Paramount+- I hope nobody misses any of it! Anyway, Admiral Picard, I need your help.
SPS: I’m not actually Admiral Picard, from the hit Star Trek series Picard and also the Next Generation-
Trekker: -Streaming on Paramount+.
SPS: I just play him on those shows.
Trekker: Yeah, that’s fine. Anyway you’re old and probably wise or whatever.
*He just blinks at the camera*
Trekker: I’m on trial for something and I’ve been asked how I plea.
SPS: I see. Well, Trekker, do you remember the episode First Duty?
Trekker: The Star Trek the Next Generation episode streaming on Paramount+, of course!
SPS: Well in that episode I advised a young Wesley Crusher to tell the truth. It seems reasonable that you should do the same here.
Trekker: Thank you sir! You’re a lifesaver!
SPS: Any time for a fa-
*She’s already hung up.*
*Gavel bangs reintroduce us to the court.*
LD: How do you plea, interloper?
Trekker: Guilty.
*The Bad to the Bone judges seem surprise.*
Trekker: I am guilty of all of the things you’ve accused me of…
*We get a dramatic slow pan around the room while the camera focuses on Trekker as she tells her truths.*
Trekker: I was sent here by Paramount+ specifically to distract from Reedy Creek Racing- and through them, Disney. Bad to the Bone Racing had a good record so it made sense to team with you guys. Also, you guys are somehow less outwardly evil than the AMC or the EOD.
*Quick cut to the bench where LD and DB are SHOCKED, SHOCKED at that accusation. Dinosaur Bones would be clutching pearls if his tiny arms could reach their neck- and if they were wearing pearls. BB nods along, listening carefully.*
Trekker: …Plus the least evil team, MOTHER, has less team coherency than the Star Wars prequel’s writing- not to mention a real “And the Children Shall Lead” problem. So I forcibly joint myself with your team and when you became difficult I blackmailed you in order to assure that this plan would continue. Guilty, I am guilty on all charges.
*We fade on the “judges” DominiThinking.*
*Lord Dominicus is in the BttBR garage as he leans against the DominiCruiser.*
LD: Look, CAR-horts, I don’t want to be a jerk about it, but none of you stand a chance. As racers you may consider me a peer- though I’m not, clearly my team is better than yours- but as a wrestler?
*He shakes his finger at the camera.*
LD: Oh there’s nobody who can compare.
BB (From behind the camera): What about Marty? He’s a world champion.
LD: Wait, is he in the match?
BB: His team is sending somebody, so it’d make sense. Who else would the send, Ollie? Also Copycat.
LD: Who?
BB: Copycat.
LD: I don’t know who that is. The point is that while all of you may be mediocre drivers, I am the DARK LORD OF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHTS! Do you think you can measure up without your pathetic doof floofs, tentacles, angry cats, cardboard cars, and Disney bs? HA! All you have in this match are pillows! But me?
*Dominicus thumb-points at himself.*
LD: I have pillows AND cheating! Also, if any of you try winning I’ll reveal your team’s secrets. HA! YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL, DIDN’T YOU!? I DIDN’T!
*He finger points at the camera.*
LD: I hope you like losing, losers.
*And we fade back!*
LD: Star Trekker, you have been found guilty on all accounts.
DB: ESPECIALLY BECAUSE YOU ADMITTED EVERYTHING.
LD: Big Bone will now hand down your sentence.
*Everyone turns to the least-evil member of the team.*
BB: You have to buy everyone lunch.
*Silence falls over the court.*
Trekker: Wait, what? That’s it?
LD: DO YOU DARE ARGUE AGAINST WRESTLER COURT RULES?!
*She puts her hands up defensively.*
Trekker: Nope, not at all, sounds good and not stupid at all.
LD: Well if that’s all-
Trekker: Also I was masturbating on Sub Rosa day.
*SMASH CUT TO the ending theme.*
The Optional Match Enhancer Questions:
1. Preference on the use of pillows vs. blanket?
LD: I will use all that I am allowed in a way that benefits me. If that means rolling myself into a blanket burrito so that El Rey and the rest shiver in the cold all night, so be it.
2. How does your wrestler respond to a pillow to the face?
LD: HAHA! YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD BEFUDDLE ME!? YOU HAVE ONLY MADE ME MORE COMFORTABLE!
3. How will your wrestler be eliminated?
LD: WHAT A PREPOSTEROUS QUESTION! I WILL BE THE LAST PILLOWER STANDING!