Screwed & Prom Shopping
Mar 11, 2023 12:16:55 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Mar 11, 2023 12:16:55 GMT -5
UGH!
What have I done to piss you off XHF Brass?
Is it because I’m too handsome?
Is it because I win too much too early?
Is it some sort of rookie hazing?
It just doesn’t make sense. I’m bringing in the younger demo you couldn’t draw before I showed up. I took my lumps in NLW. I’ve done nothing but work for you. Yet, for some reason, every time I get my hands on a global championship the first match outside of GUNS I have you put my up against terrible odds.
First, I was having a nice run with the X*Crown. I retained against the best names this Network had to offer. Former champs like Zoran Sainovic, Spike Kane, and Dylan Black. I even gave the stupid fan favorites Like Dominicus and Riley Richards. Then the first match I have to defend in outside of my home fed is against every idiot with a XHF Contract who decides to show up.
Now you’re doing it again. I beat your champ. I outsmarted the wily veteran. I beat another veteran easily in my first defense. I’m the champion the Junior Heavyweight Division deserves and what do I get in return? I get thrown into another crap shoot match with any idiot who’s ever worked, not in wrestling, no, in CAR RACES!
This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t safe. Most of these idiots aren’t even trained wrestlers. I should be protected, not treated like this.
I digress.
It doesn’t matter.
The deck is stacked against me, but I refuse to go down without a fight. I’ll use whatever I can get my hands on in this match. Be it pillow or comforter I’ll use it to my advantage. I’ll rip the feathers out of the pillows and stab anyone in my way in the eyes. I’ll wrap these idiots up in a comforter and toss them out like the weeks trash. And if one of these losers somehow manages to hit me in the face I’ll no sell it like no one’s business, because honestly, it doesn’t hurt me. You see, I grew up with a little brother. We’ve been preparing for just this match our entire lives. I’m full prepared and no one can eliminate me because of it.
Men’s Warehouse
Atlanta, GA
We open inside the clothing chain to find the young El Rey sitting alone with a binder of color swatches. He flips the page and then stops when a shadow appears over his shoulder. El Rey looks up and the camera pans out to see Zoran Sainovic standing over his shoulder. We wait for El Rey to run, but instead he turns his head back to the book and mutters.
El Rey: What took you so long?
Zoran slowly moves around and takes a seat next to his former protégé before responding.
Zoran: I had to make sure your father wasn’t around. It would be a shame to have another battle with him in such a fine establishment. I was a bit surprised to get zee call for zis instead of him.
El Rey: Yeah, well, I’ve ran enough from you. I’m good and fast, but if you really wanted to kill me for what I did I’d be dead by now and I needed your expertise.
Zoran: Good. I am glad we can get over zis. Now what can I do for you?
El Rey: Well, you know how someone in the XHF Brass hates me and likes to throw me in Rumble type matches when I win global titles?
Zoran: I know of zee conspiracy theory.
El Rey: Well, since they’re doing it to me again in CAR with this stupid pillow fight battle royal I have once again decided to showboat my skills ahead of this trap match at the Gun Show, and since their match is themed and I missed my senior prom I’m theming my match as well.
Zoran: I believe I am following zee premise here.
El Rey: Well I’ve set up a four corners prom match and I need to find the proper attire. Not just any attire, though. It’s got to be breathable and not restrict my movement, and while I love my father he wouldn’t know high fashion if it slapped him in the face.
Zoran: Zat is true. I did slap him in the face and he didn’t get it.
El Rey: I’m going to ignore that part. Anyway, can you help with this?
Zoran: Of course I can. All I’ve wanted is to help you. Do you have zee colors picked out?
El Rey: Yeah. I just need to know which fabric to use.
Zoran: Hand zee book here.
El Rey hands over the binder to his no longer former mentor and we slow cut as Zoran begins pointing to different things in the book.
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I’m in this ridiculous match where the odds are stacked against me or the serious lack of talent they found to face me.
Seriously, the biggest stars they could find were Lord Dominicus and Copycat?
Even Marty Donovan wouldn’t enter himself. He had to send one of his cronies.
I thought you wanted me to join the Annointed Marty. If you really wanted me to join you would’ve entered the match and helped me retain. Instead your lady friend is going to try and take this belt from me. Don’t think I’m above hitting a woman Marty, I will.
Oh, and about your invitation to join. I’m sorry I missed it. Don’t think I did it intentionally just to diss you. No. This is intentionally just to diss you, Universal is the better theme park.
Sorry, I got off topic. Where was I? Yeah, they couldn’t even get Marty. Instead I’ve got two losers I’ve never heard of, an orphan that wants nothing more than to play age inappropriate VR games, and the “big names” of Dominicus and Cooycat.
For Copycat this has got to be some consolation prize from the XHF. “Hey, thanks for not completely embarrassing us in the X*Crown match. Here, take a shot at the Junior title instead.” Bullshit. A pregnant man shouldn’t be in the ring, or alive.
And Dominicus, ugh, it’s gotta be some kind of prank right? I won the X*Crown over him and four others. Then I successfully defended my Crown against him. Now I have to deal with this idiot again? What a joke. You claim to be evil, but I’ve stabbed way more people than you and I’ve only stabbed two people!
This match is a joke and a set up. Nothing more and nothing less. Someone up there in Minnesota has it out for me and they’re hoping one of these grease monkeys gets lucky and tosses me out. When I win, though, they’ll have no choice but to refer to me as the greatest Junior Champ of my generation.
And if I somehow lose. We all know I was screwed.
What have I done to piss you off XHF Brass?
Is it because I’m too handsome?
Is it because I win too much too early?
Is it some sort of rookie hazing?
It just doesn’t make sense. I’m bringing in the younger demo you couldn’t draw before I showed up. I took my lumps in NLW. I’ve done nothing but work for you. Yet, for some reason, every time I get my hands on a global championship the first match outside of GUNS I have you put my up against terrible odds.
First, I was having a nice run with the X*Crown. I retained against the best names this Network had to offer. Former champs like Zoran Sainovic, Spike Kane, and Dylan Black. I even gave the stupid fan favorites Like Dominicus and Riley Richards. Then the first match I have to defend in outside of my home fed is against every idiot with a XHF Contract who decides to show up.
Now you’re doing it again. I beat your champ. I outsmarted the wily veteran. I beat another veteran easily in my first defense. I’m the champion the Junior Heavyweight Division deserves and what do I get in return? I get thrown into another crap shoot match with any idiot who’s ever worked, not in wrestling, no, in CAR RACES!
This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t safe. Most of these idiots aren’t even trained wrestlers. I should be protected, not treated like this.
I digress.
It doesn’t matter.
The deck is stacked against me, but I refuse to go down without a fight. I’ll use whatever I can get my hands on in this match. Be it pillow or comforter I’ll use it to my advantage. I’ll rip the feathers out of the pillows and stab anyone in my way in the eyes. I’ll wrap these idiots up in a comforter and toss them out like the weeks trash. And if one of these losers somehow manages to hit me in the face I’ll no sell it like no one’s business, because honestly, it doesn’t hurt me. You see, I grew up with a little brother. We’ve been preparing for just this match our entire lives. I’m full prepared and no one can eliminate me because of it.
Men’s Warehouse
Atlanta, GA
We open inside the clothing chain to find the young El Rey sitting alone with a binder of color swatches. He flips the page and then stops when a shadow appears over his shoulder. El Rey looks up and the camera pans out to see Zoran Sainovic standing over his shoulder. We wait for El Rey to run, but instead he turns his head back to the book and mutters.
El Rey: What took you so long?
Zoran slowly moves around and takes a seat next to his former protégé before responding.
Zoran: I had to make sure your father wasn’t around. It would be a shame to have another battle with him in such a fine establishment. I was a bit surprised to get zee call for zis instead of him.
El Rey: Yeah, well, I’ve ran enough from you. I’m good and fast, but if you really wanted to kill me for what I did I’d be dead by now and I needed your expertise.
Zoran: Good. I am glad we can get over zis. Now what can I do for you?
El Rey: Well, you know how someone in the XHF Brass hates me and likes to throw me in Rumble type matches when I win global titles?
Zoran: I know of zee conspiracy theory.
El Rey: Well, since they’re doing it to me again in CAR with this stupid pillow fight battle royal I have once again decided to showboat my skills ahead of this trap match at the Gun Show, and since their match is themed and I missed my senior prom I’m theming my match as well.
Zoran: I believe I am following zee premise here.
El Rey: Well I’ve set up a four corners prom match and I need to find the proper attire. Not just any attire, though. It’s got to be breathable and not restrict my movement, and while I love my father he wouldn’t know high fashion if it slapped him in the face.
Zoran: Zat is true. I did slap him in the face and he didn’t get it.
El Rey: I’m going to ignore that part. Anyway, can you help with this?
Zoran: Of course I can. All I’ve wanted is to help you. Do you have zee colors picked out?
El Rey: Yeah. I just need to know which fabric to use.
Zoran: Hand zee book here.
El Rey hands over the binder to his no longer former mentor and we slow cut as Zoran begins pointing to different things in the book.
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I’m in this ridiculous match where the odds are stacked against me or the serious lack of talent they found to face me.
Seriously, the biggest stars they could find were Lord Dominicus and Copycat?
Even Marty Donovan wouldn’t enter himself. He had to send one of his cronies.
I thought you wanted me to join the Annointed Marty. If you really wanted me to join you would’ve entered the match and helped me retain. Instead your lady friend is going to try and take this belt from me. Don’t think I’m above hitting a woman Marty, I will.
Oh, and about your invitation to join. I’m sorry I missed it. Don’t think I did it intentionally just to diss you. No. This is intentionally just to diss you, Universal is the better theme park.
Sorry, I got off topic. Where was I? Yeah, they couldn’t even get Marty. Instead I’ve got two losers I’ve never heard of, an orphan that wants nothing more than to play age inappropriate VR games, and the “big names” of Dominicus and Cooycat.
For Copycat this has got to be some consolation prize from the XHF. “Hey, thanks for not completely embarrassing us in the X*Crown match. Here, take a shot at the Junior title instead.” Bullshit. A pregnant man shouldn’t be in the ring, or alive.
And Dominicus, ugh, it’s gotta be some kind of prank right? I won the X*Crown over him and four others. Then I successfully defended my Crown against him. Now I have to deal with this idiot again? What a joke. You claim to be evil, but I’ve stabbed way more people than you and I’ve only stabbed two people!
This match is a joke and a set up. Nothing more and nothing less. Someone up there in Minnesota has it out for me and they’re hoping one of these grease monkeys gets lucky and tosses me out. When I win, though, they’ll have no choice but to refer to me as the greatest Junior Champ of my generation.
And if I somehow lose. We all know I was screwed.