Post by Jonnie Valentine on Mar 12, 2023 5:28:23 GMT -5
Open on a rowdy crowd of Portlanders cheering and holding up signs that say “The Guillotine vs. The Squeeze”, “Wesley Lame”, “Marty Fears Pain”, “Little Dragon Section”, “Phil Drives A Saturn”, “Neuter The Moondog!” and “Tux Should Just Thank Dirk And Apologize But That Would Admit Vulnerability Which Is Something He Should Be Working On” which is a sign held by Tuxedo Mask’s therapist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to our first trip to the Pacific Northwest since our 2012 show in Seattle, Washington. It is also our first sell out since our return!
Phillip Blauer: You kidding me? I sold out months ago. I’ve been doing videos about how Disney resorts are not responsible for any children eaten by gators, real or robotic, on Disney properties. It plays on a loop when you try to watch TV in your hotel room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I stand corrected, Phil is our first sell out.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin. You know I went to a Chinese restaurant out here in Oregon and they asked if I wanted the wonton soup or the egg drop soup. I ordered the wonton, and I got egg drop soup with wontons in it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have noticed all the Spanish is wrong here. But anyway, our main event is Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Championship on the line against the bloodthirsty Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: You wanna see bloodthirsty? You should have seen me when I got the estimate to fix all the damage he did to my rented Chevy Saturn. That really steamed my beans, mister. I usually get on with his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves pretty well. Sometimes we share a ride to make the next shot. But after this, I will never let him choose what podcast we listen to.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Strong words, from a hurt man. We have Kilroy Evans first title defense of the Hardkore West Coast Championship that he won from Eron Hunter in San Francisco, as he puts it on the line against a heated rival in “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: This is the final step to The Anointed holding all the gold. They’re gonna have to bring back the six man titles just so we can win those too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A feud that’s been bubbling under the surface for a couple months finally erupted in San Francisco. Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts have been having competing challenges for their submission holds, The Sooner Squeeze and Garibaldi’s Guillotine. At The Chase Center, after Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan caused Cross Recoba to get counted out in his match with Tuxedo Mask, Cross tried to settle it once and for all and have them do their submission holds at the same time to The Dutch Express, and whoever got their opponent to tap first would be the winner.
Phillip Blauer: No, the winner would be the guy standing at the end, and that was hopefully my next employer at Tap Out, Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, I honestly don’t think he’s hiring right now.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he’s hiring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What does that mean? Anyway, Cross Recoba threw a tantrum when it looked like he might lose and attacked Kalmin Watts. Tonight, they get to settle it once and for all in a wrestling match. Then another grudge match as Tuxedo Mask steps in the ring against the man who substituted for him in the Hardkore World Tag Team title ladder match in Las Vegas against The Anointed. Disney’s Marty Donovan injured Tux and took him out, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen bravely stepped up. Things were going well, when Tux decided to insert himself back in just to get the belts but that moment of confusion was the time Wesley Crane needed to snatch them away and win them for The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Tux has a similar condition to me in that attention is the air that we breathe. Yet, we still have to wait to board an airplane with the rest of the ables.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After wins in Sante Fe, Reno, and San Francisco, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen takes a big step up tonight against the former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion. Speaking of stepping up, Little Dragon takes on former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Little Dragon vs. Big Dan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure, I guess.
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Portland crowd jeers as Moondog Dook walks down the aisle eating a rotisserie chicken
Phillip Blauer: Not a chance in Hades that he paid for that thing.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Ugh, there’s pieces in his chest hair.
Phil jumps away in revulsion
Phillip Blauer: Ah!! Donnie’s right next to me!! Security!! Larry!! Lare Bear!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is joining us on commentary because our next match features an ex-employee of his. Simon Cruise used to work ring crew for us as a youth.
Phil holds his chest and tries to control his breathing
Phillip Blauer: (to Donnie) Sorry, old chum. You need to warn a fella before breaking the unspoken iron wall between talent and production. It’s…jarring to the bone. I…can’t stop shaking.
Moondog Dook sees the “Neuter the Moondog!” sign and barks at it nervously
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fresh off of the hostilities with Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, the always dangerous and unpredictable Moondog Dook is now facing the young Simon Cruise. Here is Yolanda Ando with the Hardkore World fashion report.
Yolanda Ando: Thanks Guillermo and Phil! Moondog Dook is an Albino hillbilly, wearing ripped jean shorts with a rope acting as a belt, with black boots.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Fun fact, that chain has a previously unknown form of staph on it that you can catch from grabbing it from him and putting it on Carl the timekeeper’s table.
Phillip Blauer: That is fun. A little infotainment.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The Veterans Memorial Coliseum for tonight’s Hardkore World action! Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
The fans boo as Moondog Dook runs up to the second turnbuckle and barks at them
As the "Riptide" pumps over the PA system, the camera hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well how do you like that?
Cruise surfs over the announce table and catches Phil in the back of the head with his surfboard
Phillip Blauer: OWW!! (rubs the back of his head) I don’t! That’s very dangerous, can we fire him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, Phil. Lighten up.
Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Five time IWA World Heavyweight Champion Simon Cruise. Donnie, you knew Simon here 16 years ago as a youth, putting up rings for Hardkore World. Can you tell us a little about what he was like?
Donnie Valentine Jr: Squirt…or I mean Simon was great. If I told him the ropes were too tight, he didn’t say “So’s your Mom.” He wasn’t always looking to mouth off like these other guys I got now. And I’m a cool boss. Younger guys need me to buy em beer? I do it. I give the guys a night off if they wanna hook up with a rat. I don’t even drug test. I say, if it’s safe enough for the wrestlers to be fucked up in the ring, it’s safe enough for us to get to be fucked up putting it together, you know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s actually terribly unsafe.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m getting a lump in the back of my head. (turns around) Can you check?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (doesn’t check) Looks good. Simon Cruise left Hardkore World to pursue surfing and eventually getting in the ring himself. He came back to the West Coast to repay Jonnie’s kindness for giving him his big break. He made his Hardkore debut in Oakland against Dana “The Drone” Daniels but tonight in Portland he gets some stiffer competition in Moondog Dook.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Donnie and Guillermo: (together) Thank you, Yolanda.
Guillermo looks at Donnie, who blushes and looks away. Yolanda seems blissfully unaware
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Huge pop from the Portland crowd as Simon flashes a ‘hang loose’ sign at them
Simon Cruise vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Simon and Dook lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise gets the better of that exchange and grabs a side headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on the side of Dook’s temple.
Donnie Valentine Jr: You know, a lot of people think I just got this job because my uncle is Hardkore Jonnie Valentine, and that’s their business. But I don’t even let it bother me, you know? You can’t let things like that get under your skin because at the end of the day, it doesn’t affect me at all.
Phillip Blauer: That’s good to hear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook tries to push Simon Cruise off but Cruise hangs on to that headlock and flips him to the mat.
The wily veteran Moondog Dook tries to keep his shoulders off the mat while Cruise grinds that headlock. Dook rolls onto his belly
Donnie Valentine Jr: If people choose to believe something like that, that’s their problem. If they want to think negatively like that, I can’t do anything about that. That’s their deal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook escapes the headlock with a leg scissors, but Simon Cruise pops out of that and grabs an armbar.
Simon Cruise sticks his knee into the ball of Dook’s shoulder while clamping down on his arm. Dook grabs Cruise’s hair out of desperation until Richie Richardson gives him the five count to stop
Phillip Blauer: Bad dog.
Donnie Valentine Jr: What kind of sick individual thinks like that anyway? Have you ever thought about that? What other disgusting thoughts do they have, to just assume something like that, without even knowing anything? Never having a cup of coffee in this business, and they think they know?
Phillip Blauer: I get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook works his way to his feet with Simon Cruise hanging onto the armbar. He reaches between Cruise’s legs and scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cruise hangs onto his arm and flips him right back over into an armbar.
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers and Moondog Dook shakes his head, refusing to give up. Simon Cruise clamps down on the armbar some more
Donnie Valentine Jr: I mean, I don’t want to go on and on about this. It’s just…these people go on to have children, you know? And they’re gonna teach their children things like this? That I became head ring crew because of my Uncle Jonnie, and because he used to say “Oh, I can always remember you because our names rhyme!” and then put a pacifier in and zone out to EDM for 6 hours. They’re gonna tell kids that. Innocent kids.
Phillip Blauer: That’s bonkers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook back on his feet in the arm bar. Simon Cruise again tightens the lock he has on Dook’s wrist and elbow, but Moondog uses his free arm to rake Simon’s eyes.
The Portland fans jeer as Richie Richardson warns Dook for the infraction, while the Moondog tries to shake some feeling into his arm
Donnie Valentine Jr: I’m not a big death penalty guy, ask anyone. But those kind of people should not be on this earth, I’m just saying. They’re a jagged scar on the face of humanity as a whole.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dook headbutts Simon Cruise right between the eyes.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Just like that female cop in Sacramento.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you?...
Phillip Blauer: He gets mad when you bring it up for some reason.
Donnie Valentine Jr: My apologies. I thought that was common knowledge.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I do not think it’s something we should be focusing on, it was a long time ago and Moondog Dook grabs a front facelock on Cruise. Dook tries to ratchet it up, but Simon Cruise flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Moondog Dook gets his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie and Donnie. Hey, they do rhyme! How about that? (chuckles)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise waits for him to get up and then handsprings into a mule kick to his chest!! Radomizer!
Moondog Dook rolls to his feet and then walks right into a dropkick with authority from Simon Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did you see the form on that Bitchin Dropkick? That looks like it could rival Hardkore Jonnie Valentine’s!
The crowd applauds the height he got on that as Moondog Dook rolls out of the ring in frustration
Donnie Valentine Jr: Better slow that role. Did you not see the note in the breakroom? What did it say?
Phillip Blauer: “Please wipe down the microwave once in a while and Phil, stop eating people’s lunches out of the fridge.”
Donnie Valentine Jr: The other one.
Guillermo sighs and looks at the picture of his beautiful wife and kids on the commentator’s desk
Guillermo O’Bannon: (reciting) “Hardkore Employees are not to denigrate The Founder’s dropkick.”
Dook kicks the railing and gets a loud chorus of boos from the Oregon crowd. He walks around ringside to the other side of the ring and doesn’t see Simon Cruise has snuck over to the apron. Cruise gets a running start and clocks an oncoming Dook with a knee smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
Phillip Blauer: Why are you yelling?
The audience is loud as Simon Cruise pulls himself up to his feet by the railing
Donnie Valentine Jr: Come on, Squirt! Do this for the ring crew!
Simon Cruise rolls into the ring and then hits the ropes. He jumps onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off into a senton that smashes Moondog Dook into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
Phillip Blauer: (takes off headset) I’m just gonna take these off for a while until you calm down a little.
The Portland crowd chants “SIMON CRUISE!! SIMON CRUISE!! SIMON CRUISE!! as both Dook and Cruise lie on the Veterans Memorial Coliseum floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls Dook up to his feet, but Moondog suddenly comes alive and sinks his teeth into Cruise’s nose!
Jeers rain down as Cruise screams in pain. Dook finally lets him go and then grabs his chain from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook choking Cruise from behind with that dirty chain of his!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos as Cruise chokes, while trying to get his fingers underneath the chain
Donnie Valentine Jr: Come on, Richie! Do something! Can you believe this? I get all this flack, but do I ask to get put in the video game like Kevin? No. Do I ask to be a ref like Richie?
Phillip Blauer: I knew it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nothing. I know nothing. (trying to change the subject) Simon Cruise now down on one knee while Dook strangles him with that chain!
Moondog Dook releases the chain and grabs Simon Cruise in a side headlock, pulling him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook tries to running bulldog him into the corner post, but Simon Cruise pushes him off, and Dook takes that ring post so hard you can hear it throughout the Veterans Memorial Coliseum!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh!
The fans let out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Dook’s head ringing off the post
Donnie Valentine Jr: They gotta be careful, those ring posts aren’t cheap. Can’t have em all dinged up from wrestler skulls.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of a now bleeding Moondog Dook, staggering around ringside. Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise leaps over the top rope with a suicide dive on Moondog Dook!!
Donnie Valentine Jr: Simon’s a pretty chill guy but if you piss him off like biting him for instance…
A ringside fan grabs Simon Cruise’s surfboard
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That scruffy lumberjack is trying to run off with Simon’s gimmick! Lare Bear!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and waddles over to the situation. But he’s too late as the fan tosses Simon Cruise the surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise tosses the surfboard at Dook but the bloody Moondog catches it! But Cruise dropkicks the surfboard into Dook’s face!!
The audience pops as Dook’s head leaves a big stain on the surfboard. Cruise pumps the crowd up to a fever pitch and then rolls him into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise now back in the ring and he steps on the backs of Dook’s knees while holding his arms. Simon rolls him up into a La Tapatia mexican surfboard he calls Cruise Control!!
Dook screams in agony as Simon Cruise pushes up on the backs of his knees; while pulling back on his twisted arms. Richie Richardson asks the Moondog if he wants to give up which he immediately agrees to
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook gives up to Cruise Control!!
Donnie Valentine Jr: That’s what I’m talkin about!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell as “Riptide” by Vance Joy comes on. Simon Cruise releases the Cruise Control and lets a limp Dook collapse to the mat
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 38 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Richie Richardson raises Simon Cruise’s arm while the fans cheer for the newcomer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with another win here tonight as he returns to the territory he started in before he was even in the business.
Donnie Valentine Jr: It sincerely warms the cockles of my heart to see him win tonight.
Richie Richardson checks on a blood drenched Moondog Dook who hasn’t moved since the end of the match. He calls over Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. Meanwhile, Simon Cruise shows Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. the bloodstain on his surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hoping we don’t have another injury situation on our hands. San Francisco was a brutal night with Syberus and Ruben Bowman going down to injuries, with Syberus’ neck injury so severe he was forced to retire.
Simon Cruise goes up the aisle, slapping the fans’ hands. Inside the ring, David Valentine Jr. and his medical team load Moondog Dook on a stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like the contact Moondog Dook made with that corner post was so severe that he is going to need some further medical attention in the back.
Phillip Blauer: That’s got to be a welcome sight for his many victims.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, we don’t need to…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out
Fade backstage to Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. who is standing with Kilroy Evans against the Hardkore World background
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Hello fans and I am standing here with Hardkore West Coast Champion Kilroy Evans who has a match against “High Roller” Wesley Crane and…
MEOW?
Kevin and Kilroy freeze. They look down and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to their feet where a cat is standing in between Kilroy and Kevin
Kilroy Evans: Who is this?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: That’s a cat. It’s Hurricane’s cat, Purrman Melville. Sorry about that. Jackie? Can we get him…
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Kilroy Evans: Interesting. Am I wrestling Wesley Crane tonight or my own creeping mortality?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I was gonna ask if you think you’re gonna win and stuff?
Kilroy Evans: No, it's definitely Crane. Mortality can't be fought against. The only thing you can truly do is use as much time as you have to exercise your agency before you're forced to take a passive role in your own life and await the inevitable.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Cool I guess, I didn’t really wanna know all that. Anyways, question two. Is wrestling fun?
Purrman Melville: Meow.
Kilroy Evans: Portland’s name was decided on a coin toss? I had no idea! So was my decision to try and actively kill Wesley Crane tonight. *sighs, scuffs at the floor* He gets to live.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Again, stupid. So anyway, my final question. What have you been up to lately?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Kilroy Evans: Ouch. Warn a guy first next time. It's not like I'm not aware of that, but maybe pick the words a little more carefully. I expect a huge challenge from Wesley Crane tonight. A guy doesn't definitively win the Wrestle: UK title and barely miss out on being Hardkore World champion on the same day and not cement himself as a force to be reckoned with. But, on the other hand, he's gotta deal with me. So who's to say who's getting the short end of the stick tonight. *pause* It's him. It's totally him.
Kilroy walks out of shot while Kevin Valentine, Jr. looks annoyed at Purrman Melville.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Stupid cat, you made me look bad!
Kilroy walks back into shot and lightly taps Kevin on the shoulder.
Kilroy Evans: Sorry, I almost forgot. Yes Kevin, wrestling is very fun.
There's a silent pause as Kilroy looks at Kevin, who offers nothing in return.
Kilroy Evans: Okay, bye!
Kilroy leaves again as Purrman starts licking itself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match between “The Punisher” Dan Stein and a man who grew up watching him, Little Dragon. Dan Stein has been on a tear since his return to the ring, but Little Dragon is a second generation star on the rise.
Phillip Blauer: Dan The Man is gonna give him the whipping that his mother, Dragonatrix should have. The irony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I agree that Dan Stein has been on a tear since his return to the ring, but Little Dragon is a second generation star on the rise.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the audience cheers as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: As a boy, Little Dragon watched Dan Stein but now he says that man has changed by joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he changed. He changed tax brackets.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon is very aware of that Peacemaker wooden staff of Dan Stein’s and the strength difference but isn’t going to back down, and the intensity that Little Dragon brings to the ring allows him to end matches out of nowhere, like Ruben Bowman found out in San Francisco.
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Also an update on Ruben Bowman, he had successful surgery on a torn ACL and is resting comfortably at home. We wish him a speedy recovery. But Little Dragon wants to remind Dan Stein of who he once was, and is going to use this match to try and do that through a battle of attrition.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays over the PA. “The Punisher” Dan Stein makes his way to the ring area with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time he was here in Portland was in June of 2007, when Little Dragon watched from home as Dan Stein defeated Cobryn for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Stein knows Little Dragon thinks he knows what wrestling him is like from TV, or stories his father Dragon Belt told him, but it’s nothing like getting in the ring with the real deal.
Phillip Blauer: It’s like Dirty Jobs. Everyone thinks they could do it from watching TV, until you feel something slither into your shoe.
Dan Stein starts walking down to the ring, and no one dares pat his chest or back
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Francisco, Dan Stein started off the night clearing the ring of Gavin Drake and “The Infamous” Onyx Breakker.
Phillip Blauer: The Infamous What Now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: And then defeated his long time rival The Great Syberus, delivering a neck injury that he had to get career ending surgery for.
Phillip Blauer: That was in one night??
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He once used the skull of the ubiquitous Punisher but gave up the symbol completely after a trademark dispute. If you look closely at his forearms, you can see a very faint outline of what used to be skull tattoos he had removed several years ago. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein and Little Dragon are both promising violence tonight.
Upon entering the ring, “The Punisher” Dan Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the jeers of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He Is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…The Enforcer of The Anointed; He is The Road Warrior Danimal…He is ’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Portland fans boo as Dan Stein holds The Peacemaker over his head
"The Punisher" Dan Stein vs. Little Dragon
Kelly O’Connell calls for the bell, and Dan Stein charges in at Little Dragon easily throwing him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein fires off a series of body shots, battering away at his sides and ribs before he steps back to drive a clothesline across his chest and throat that drives him against the turnbuckle!
Stein does it again, before he whips him from the corner and across the ring. Little Dragon slams hard into the corner, and then he charges in
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon moves aside at the last minute, and Stein slams hard into the corner! Little Dragon snaps a kick across his back.
Stein arches his back in pain, and then Little Dragon unleashes another karate kick into the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon leaps upwards to deliver a tornado DDT that rocks Stein!
The fans cheer, and Little Dragon makes the cover
…ONE!
…Dan Stein flings Dragon Belt off on to his feet!
The Portland crowd groans, and Stein shakes his head as he comes to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at that power! Dan tossed him in the air like pizza dough.
Phillip Blauer: I miss when they used to do that. Now, they act like you getting to pick your toppings is some new thing. That’s what pizza is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon is back on him, throwing punches at Stein’s head before he moves behind to lock on the dragon sleeper!
The fans cheer, and Little Dragon hauls back as Stein arches and flails trying to get the rope. Dragon locks his hands together and peels back on Stein’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, in 2006, Dan Stein teamed with Lucifer Jones as LSD to successfully defend the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Paul Soutter and The Shootfighter here in Portland. Stein now grabs the ropes and Kelly O’Connell forces Little Dragon to release the dragon sleeper.
Dan Stein shoves his way back to his feet. He grabs Little Dragon, smirking at him, before he starts throwing stiff forearms across his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Little Dragon over his head with a gorilla press!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum gets their phones out as Stein lifts Little Dragon high in the air and then tosses him over the ropes to the floor, slamming hard against the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein throws Dragon onto the floor! Dragon staggers to his feet, holding his ribs.
Phillip Blauer: Little Dragon Ribs sound like an amazing appetizer. Can we get those?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. looks unsure, but then nods, and walks away. Inside the ring, Dan Stein cracks Little Dragon’s head against the ring apron a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein irish whips him into the ringpost, but Little Dragon leaps upwards, coming off the apron to crash down on Stein with a moonsault!!
The fans explode, and Dan Stein is down as Little Dragon stumbles to his feet. The crowd chants “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!” A fan in an old Kilroy Evans “Why So Serious?” shirt hands Dragon Kid a chair when he requests one
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that shirt has seen better days. Like Kilroy himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pushed himself upwards, holding at his back and Little Dragon cracks a chair across his head!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!” Dan Stein staggers back, and is caught with another hard shot!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon with a third vicious shot that rocks Stein against the side of the ring!!
Little Dragon flings down the chair, and then drags Stein up into a front facelock to go for a DDT on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes back to life, and powers out of the front facelock and tosses threw Dragon into the barricade again!!
The fans let out another “OH!” and then boo. Dan Stein drags Little Dragon’s head across the top of the metal rail before he heads for the tables with a smirk
Phillip Blauer: You know Geneva, after I went undercover to expose unlicensed eyelid surgeons at area shopping malls, my eyes aren’t what they once were. So Dan Stein has brought the match here to me to help me offer my insightful commentary. That’s the considerate side that the neckbeards get wrong about him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein drops a few heavy forearm blows across Little Dragon’s back, slamming over him again and again. He grabs him by the throat, lifting him overhead before he sends him through our…!!!
Audio cuts out as Dan Stein chokeslams Little Dragon through the announce table at ringside. Little Dragon is sprawled out, the table is broken in half. Guillermo’s legs are trapped underneath a piece of broken table and his office chair, his headset askew with the microphone covering his face. Phil is wiping off his pants. The Portland crowd boos as Dan Stein smirks while he poses over the wreckage. In a panic, Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. hits the wrong button on his switcher and takes Kevin Valentine Jr. backstage. Kevin seems to be trying to kick a cat but it gets away. Danny switches to a freeze frame of Talent Relations, and then back to ringside. Dan reaches down, pulling Little Dragon from the mess. Hardkore Ring Crew Danny Valentine Jr. leans the two broken table halves together in a little teepee while Hardkore Audio Technician Carl Valentine Jr. fixes the mic cables. Dan Stein leads Little Dragon by the mask arries him towards the ring. He presses Little Dragon over his head, gorilla pressing him through the ropes into the ring. Little Dragon arches his back in pain, rolling around. Stein steps back into the ring and makes the cover as Kelly O’Connell slides in to make the count
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
The fans cheer, and Stein shouts at Kelly O’Connell about a slow count, before she shoves him and points to her referee shirt. Dan Stein backs off and hauls Little Dragon back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: … …(audio hum)... … …che… … …(feedback)... … …(distorted) check one… … … … check one two. Microphone check, one two? Can you hear me?
Phillip Blauer: I can, yes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the truck. I know you can hear me.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I’m not thrilled about it either.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, sorry fans, it looks like we’re back. I apologize, we were knocked off air for a little bit but I am told you can hear me now.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, we gotta get a lot faster on that, Danny. It’s not like this stuff never happens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein scoops Little Dragon up and then charges across the ring to drive him down with a powerslam!
The Oregon crowd boos, and Stein makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Kelly O’Connell holds up two fingers, and Stein slams his fists on the mat. Dan rolls to the outside to grab another chair.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever you were drinking spilled on my slacks and smells like turpentine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was juice. I need it for my voice.
Phillip Blauer: Uh huh, and whatever was mixed with that juice is burning a hole through them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was juice. Dan Stein shoulders past Kelly O’Connell, and lifts the chair but Little Dragon hits a huge dropkick that sends the chair into Stein’s face!!
The audience cheers, and Stein stumbles, trying not to fall
Phillip Blauer: Oh no! Hoisted by his own petard!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon drops Dan Stein with a DDT onto the steel chair!!
The fans erupt when they see Dan Stein is bleeding, and Little Dragon makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein shoves Little Dragon off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Enforcer of The Anointed irish whips Little Dragon into the ropes before catching him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker!
Dragon arches in pain, kicking and flailing before a busted open Stein locks in his rings of saturn
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Final Solution!!
The fans boo and jeer, but Little Dragon shakes his head refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell as he tries to get a foot on the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein twists him away! He wrenches back on both of Little Dragon’s arms and shoulders with all of his 285 pounds! Little Dragon finally nods yes!
The bell rings and “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays. Dan Stein refuses to release The Final Solution
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes, 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, he’s gotta release the hold, the match is over!
Phillip Blauer: Dan’s just making sure Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot of it. No one makes Dan The Man bleed and not get a little receipt.
Kelly O’Connell finally pries Stein off of Little Dragon, and raises his arms to the booing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein secures another win here tonight in Portland, we’ll see if The Anointed runs the table!
Open up at Hardkore headquarters, The Office, in Palm Springs, California. Cross Recoba is seated across from Judy Valentine Jr. in her cubicle of the open floor plan. She has a menagerie of miniature elephants on her desk, an elephant calendar, and coffee mug with an elephant that says “Until I’ve Had My Coffee, Everything You Say Is Irrelephant!”
Judy Valentine Jr.: Ok, again, I am sorry you had to come all the way over here to do this paperwork.
Cross Recoba: Couldn’t this be done through an email?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Ugh, my email doesn’t work anymore. I was downloading a lot of videos of different animals sleeping together like chickens and cats, and long story short, I gave the whole company a virus. That’s why Onyx Breakker was accidentally hired. So, let’s see. I see you listed your previous job as being CEO of Tap Out. Did you want to keep your old health insurance?
Cross Recoba: I suppose, yes.
Judy Valentine Jr.: That’s good because we don’t offer any. Just vision. Oh, I see Tap Out is in Las Vegas. Have you ever been?
Cross Recoba: I actually live…
Judy Valentine Jr.: I absolutely adore Las Vegas. I saw Blue Man Group last time I was there. Have you ever seen Blue Man Group.
Cross Recoba: Yes, they’ve got one on the city council.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Then Murray took me to a burlesque show. I didn’t know what burlesque meant, but it means they show the boobies.
Cross nods as there is an agonizing silence between the two of them. They both nod at one another, finally Cross breaks
Cross Recoba: So…you like elephants?
Judy Valentine Jr.: I hate em. Someone got me one once, and then someone saw that and bought me another. Now every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary everyone sees all these elephants on my desk and thinks what I need is another G.D. elephant. Why? Did you bring me one? If you brought me one, let’s just get it over with.
Cross Recoba: No, I…look is there something I need to sign?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hmm? Oh yeah. Just this thing from Hardkore Legal where you promise not to apply the Garibaldi's Guillotine on any more paying fans. Just initial here? And date it here?
An annoyed Cross quickly signs and leaves
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hon?
Cross Recoba stops
Judy Valentine Jr.: You forgot to date it.
Cross rolls his eyes and hurriedly scribbles the date on the paperwork
Judy Valentine Jr.: Thank you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up is a match between Tuxedo Mask and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Back in January, Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans put their Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the line in a ladder match in Las Vegas against “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “High Roller” Wesley Crane in The Anointed. Early on in the match, Disney’s Marty Donovan, disguised as a Hardkore Security guard took Tuxedo Mask out early, ramming him into the ringpost.
Phillip Blauer: We should have known it was a ruse by the fact that the security guard didn’t smell like free beer from concession.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux had to be stretchered out and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen gallantly took his place. Things were going well until Tux demanded to be inserted back in the match, but wasn’t 100% and was easy pickings for The Anointed to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. It’s stuck in Tux’s craw that Dirk took his place and he blames him for losing the belts, instead of himself for inserting himself back into the match.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Portland crowd roars as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen’s wife, Mickie Fury represented Hardkore World at the Battle of Los Angeles in a losing effort to Wrestle: UK’s “The Entity” Kristy Mascara. But she held her own, and did the company proud.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t lump me in with you. I’m not proud of her. I don’t dig losers. Every year, I follow the top teams in every sport until their first loss, and then I’m done with them. I spend a fortune in jerseys every year. I had to sell a kidney last year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Totally normal. But now Mickie’s husband looks to get the biggest win of his career here tonight in Portland. He doesn’t care what Tux has to say, because he still respects Tuxedo Mask for all he has done in his career, tonight, he just wants to have a good match and test himself against the best.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies in the crowd catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: With recent wins over Moondog Dook, Dana “The Drone” Daniels, and The Martian, Dirk van Thijmen is still looking for a victory that will put him in line for Kilroy Evans’ Hardkore West Coast Championship. A win here tonight might help that happen.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Oregon crowd gives Dirk a big pop
“Zero Space” by Kidneythieves plays and the fans cheer! Tuxedo Mask walks out to the and stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and encourage the audience’s cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask’s trainer, the former Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae has let him know this is a must win match for him.
Phillip Blauer: What can’t we call her Makoto Jupiter anymore? Did she get a cease and desist letter or something? Let me handle that, I get those all the time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure but it’s true that he lost to Cross Recoba in San Francisco and is hoping tonight is where he can get back on track. He harbors some ill will towards Dirk van Thijmen and even Kilroy Evans for how that all went down in Vegas and hopefully tonight he can get some closure on that whole situation and move on.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to a big pop from the audience
Phillip Blauer: Well if he has ill will against Kilroy, I can get behind that. I have the illest willest against him. I’ve even be told I be illin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just upset about losing the Hardkore World tag team titles, as well he should.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Tux slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match. Tux removes the tailcoat and mask.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Coming in at 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers Tux, who waves at the crowd
Tuxedo Mask vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
The match starts, and both men size each other up. Dirk looks ready to fight, but Tux looks unsure
Guillermo O’Bannon: They tie-up, but the stronger Dirk ”Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen throws Tux to the mat! Tux scrambles up, then they tie-up again.
Once more, Tux is thrown to the mat. Tux gets angry and quickly gets back on his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux quickly throws a punch that catches Dirk on the chin!
Dirk turns his head back to Tux with an angry expression on his face
Phillip Blauer: That is one angry Belgian.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux avoids payback by rushing to the ropes. Tux ducks another punch from Dirk, then hits the ropes again. Tux comes back with a dropkick to the knee that sends Dirk down!
Tux hits a standing senton to Dirk’s back. As Dirk gets up, Tux tries for a kick to the ribs, but Dirk catches his foot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen throws the foot up, and Tux backflips onto his feet!
Tux catches Dirk in a crucifix and tries for a pin, but Dirk fights it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk gains control and drops Tux to the mat with a samoan drop!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen pulls Tux up and hits a snap butterfly suplex, and then makes the cover.
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen pulls Tux up into a front facelock and then hits a swinging neckbreaker!
Tuxedo Mask sits up, holding the back of his neck as van Thijmen hits the ropes and then drops an elbow to Tux’s chest
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk picks up Tux’s left leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab!
The Portland crowd cheers as Tux screams in pain. Dirk van Thijmen sits down low, pulling back on his leg trying to hyperextend the knee. Tommy Milligan gets in position to see if Tuxedo Mask wants to tap out. Mickie Fury applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux drags himself to the ropes to get a break. Dirk releases as Tux crawls out onto the apron.
As Tux pulls himself up, Dirk rushes in, but Tux ducks a punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Dirk spins around, Tux catches his head and tries for a reverse suplex to the floor, but his leg gives out from the Boston Crab. As Dirk turns around, Tux slides between his legs. Dirk tries to catch up, but Tux takes him down with an arm drag.
Dirk gets up and is caught with another arm drag. Dirk staggers up one more time and Tux then hits a Japanese arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk picks himself up in the corner but Tux handsprings into into an elbow smash against the turnbuckles!
The audience pops! Dirk falls to his ass, and Tux sees an opportunity. He rushes away from the corner, turns around, hits a cartwheel handspring, then hits a broncobuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxbuster!
Tommy Milligan forces Tux out of the corner. He rushes to the opposite corner and jumps up on the middle rope to play to the fans. As Tux hops down, Dirk is back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rushes in, but Dirk ducks. He throws Tux up, but Tux uses the momentum to hop up to the top rope!
As Dirk turns around, Tux jumps onto his shoulders looking for a hurricanrana, but Dirk is able to stay standing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen shoves Tux down into the turnbuckles!! Tux bounces out, then Dirk hits an airplane spin!
Phillip Blauer: Look at him go round and round, it’s been ages since I’ve seen a good airplane spin. It used to be in the newsreels before I would watch a good talkie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, that would…van Thijmen finally slams Tux down to the mat.
Dirk backs up and waits for Tux to rise. As Tux rises, Dirk rushes and grabs his legs for a wheelbarrow. However, Tux holds onto the ropes and Dirk crashes to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rushes to the top and hits a corkscrew moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls him up by the hair but van Thijmen punches him in the stomach. He rocks him with a few european uppercuts, then takes him out with a tornado kick!
The audience cheers and Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes off with a flying double ax handle but Tux avoids it and hits a saito suplex from behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxplex ‘99!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux now climbs to the top turnbuckle, and points to Mickie Fury.
Phillip Blauer: Like Babe Ruth, he’s calling his shot, ring rat wise.
Mickie Fury shakes her head, no, as Tux starts gyrating on the top rope, pumping his hips
Phillip Blauer: It’s almost hypnotic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Tux is saying that van Thijmen cost him the Hardkore World tag team titles, and now he’s going to take the Glorious Wolf’s wife from him.
Phillip Blauer: Seems fair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen climbs to the second rope and starts smashing Tux with punches and elbows!
The fans cheer wildly as an enranged van Thijmen batters Tuxedo Mask as he’s perched on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of sheer desperation, Tuxedo Mask kicks van Thijmen low! He butterflies Dirk’s arms and then flips over top with his double underhook sunset bomb!! Moonlight Waltz!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask rolls over with one hand raised. “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Tux stands up and soaks in the adulation of the fans
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 40 seconds; The WINNER OF THE MATCH…TUXEDO MASK!!!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask was in some trouble there, but did what he had to do to get the W.
Tuxedo Mask asks Tommy Milligan for a pen, and his drivers license. He turns it over and writes his phone number down on the license and hands it to Mickie Fury
Phillip Blauer: Smart. That thing hasn’t worked since Tommy got his 5th DUI in 2014.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury tosses Tommy’s license into the crowd, and Dirk van Thijmen stands up and tosses Tux over the top rope!
Tuxedo Mask gets up and dusts himself off, putting his hands up as if he meant no harm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask poking the bear there by hitting on the wife of a jealous man.
Phillip Blauer: I feel the same way about the guy in Dorothy’s Catatonic Support Group. The way he just stares at her. (makes a fist) Why if he wasn’t almost already dead, I’d kill him.
The scene opens inside the sea of Hardkore World fans! Kevin Valentine Jr. has approached another member of the audience. This audience member just so happens to be the Face of the Franchise and the XHF Hardcore Champion; Steve Awesome!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Tonight we have a special guest in the audience. Two time XCrown Champion, Steve Awesome!! What brings you to a HardKore Wrestling event?
Steve smirks and pats his new Hardcore Championship.
Steve Awesome: Just checking out the competition.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Ooh who exactly are you checking out? The Shiek? Wesley Crane? Kilroy?”
Steve shakes his head.
Steve Awesome: I’m here to scout the pretender to my throne. Marty Donavon. Since I am the Hardcore Champion of the world, I figured I outta start the process of taking out the so-called HardKore World Champion!
The crowd pop and murmur to themselves at the idea of such a match.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: OOH! Are you saying you are hear to challenge Marty Donavon!?
Steve smirks and pats his XHF title.
Steve Awesome: I’m just saying, Marty Donavon better be watching his back tonight!
Steve gives an evil smirk.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Well back to you!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Kevin. Wow! XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome is here tonight with a message for Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: I’m just glad Kevin didn’t lose an interview to another cat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now fans, it’s time for the big Wrestle: UK Television title match between Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts. The Sooner Squeeze vs. The Garibaldi’s Guillotine. It all started back in January in Reno, when Cross Recoba brought attorneys down to the ring to observe Kalmin Watts’ Sooner Squeeze Challenge that he did for charity, and look for similarities to his similar challenge with The Garibaldi’s Guillotine. In San Francisco, Kalmin Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan distracted Cross Recoba causing his match with Tuxedo Mask to go to a double countout. Later in the evening, Cross interrupted The Sooner Squeeze Challenge, and challenged him to see who could get a member of The Dutch Express to tap out first. When it looked as though Cross wouldn’t prevail, he jumped Kalmin Watts from behind. In Oakland, both men finished their opponents with their respective submission holds as a message to the other.
Phillip Blauer: Did you see what Cross did to that poor out of shape has been, Hurricane? Most amusing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now these two face off in the ring for the first time.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The crowd cheers as Kalmin Watts, wearing his WUK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two undefeated wrestlers walk into this match, one will leave with their first loss in Hardkore World. Cross Recoba’s legal team got an injunction to get The Sooner Squeeze Challenge suspended until a judge can determine if Kalmin Watts stole any trademarks. Kalmin Watts appeared on Marty Donovan’s podcast, The Sun Room a couple weeks ago to talk about it.
Phillip Blauer: And if anyone would like to advertise on The Sun Room, we still have plenty of spots next to fine sponsors like GrowTech, the penis enlarging gummy taken once a day. If results work too well, GrowTech advises you to decrease the dosage.
Kalmin Watts slaps hands with the fans and he walks down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s it made out of?
Phillip Blauer: Sun dried snow leopard spleen. And you gotta club em young. The cuter they are the better it works. It’s the damnedest thing.
Yolanda Ando: Ew. Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. And, sorry. Cross Recoba could have come up to Kalmin Watts and discussed this like men but Recoba had to take legal action, and then attack him. Watts says Cross has him all wrong, trying to paint him as a bunch of things all at once.
Anthony Jordan holds open the ropes for Kalmin Watts who stoops in and then raises his arms to the roar of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: I can relate. I get accused of things all the time, but I didn’t shoot Archduke Ferdinand, plus we had squashed our beef years prior. Sure, I didn’t like his stance on the Boxer Rebellion, but who did?
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the WRESTLE UK TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Oregon crowd roars as Watts pumps his fist
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Veterans Memorial Coliseum as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot of the High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title draped over his shoulder as the boos rain down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tapout CEO Cross Recoba has tried to drive a wedge between Kalmin Watts and his manager, Anthony Jordan; pointing to the heat being on him, instead of his client.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Phillip Blauer: That poor dumb oaf needs someone to look out for him. It’s not gonna be that leach, Tony Jordan, I’ll tell you that. The only difference between Tony Jordan and a pimp is Tony can’t dress.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has accused Kalmin Watts of not having the guts to do what’s needed in this business.
Cross holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin. Did you see all that free grub his lawyers got? That’s what I’m talking about. Everything on that table was ethically dubious, all obtained in unthinkable ways. That’s when you know food is good. When you shudder to think where it came from.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Cross has tried to get in the head of the younger Kalmin Watts all month, trying to psyche him out for tonight here in Portland. We’ll see if it has worked.
He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hoping he can use a win tonight to make his case for a title shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: And he better well get one or…woah. Say what now?
Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion…’THE FOX’ CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos as Cross Recoba sneers at them
Kalmin Watts vs. Cross Recoba
Richie Richardson brings both men into the center of the ring and lays down what he expects of the two competitors, mostly through mumbles, half sentences, and looking at his shoes. Watts nods on with full understanding and surprisingly so does Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, shut up, Richie.
Happy that his wishes have been understood, Richie Richardson sends the men to their corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross takes two steps towards his corner before turning and dashing to pearl harbor Watts with a lifting knee that sends him into the turnbuckle!
Cross keeps on top with stomps to Watts’ chest of his opponent before bringing him up by the arm and going for an irish whip
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts reverses it into an arm drag and keeps the arm.
Thinking quickly, Recoba works back to his feet and twists under and this time he delivers an arm drag that he keeps hold of to bar the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: The collegiate wrestler wastes no time in going back to his competition days and scoots round the back into a waistlock that he uses to take Cross back down to the mat before pivoting to grab a front facelock in a north/south position.
Phillip Blauer: Not sure how wise that is. This country was once torn asunder by the taking a north/south position. Asunder, I say.
Recoba pushes up and Watts seems to allow him back to his feet, still in the front-facelock but the Fox grabs an arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba works Watts’ away from his neck and into a standing side armbar. Cross leans his weight onto his tiptoes to try and exert more pressure but the position is held only momentarily before the Oklahoma U graduate powers his way to a side-headlock that takes Recoba back down to the mat.
Cross rolls him over for a pin but before Richie Richardson can drop for the count, Kalmin has rolled it back to his advantage and quickly moves his legs for the body-scissors but Recoba moves his hands to block.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts returns to the headlock and pulls Cross back to his feet. Using his arms to try and find a gap, Cross comes up empty-handed and changes tact, pushing to the ropes and planting a foot between the middle and bottom rope to get the break.
A mild applause breaks out from the Portland crowd at the amateur display thus far. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera shows both men smiling as if they have the other’s number
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts signals that he wants to engage with Cross in a lock-up and Recoba raises his arms. They step to engage…Recoba ducks out.
Cross shrugs at Watts and raises his arms for another lock-up, but again he ducks under as the Portland crowd boo the show of cowardice. Ignoring the fans, Recoba steps towards Watts and again looks to engage him in a lock-up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slaps the guardless face of Watts!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!” Cross chuckles to himself and motions for Watts to come bring it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The dual-varsity athlete rushes to him but eats a drop-toe hold. Quickly, Cross scoots out the ring and again open handed slaps Kalmin Watts!
Cross makes a beeline for the opposite turnbuckle before leaping onto the apron and through the ropes with faux innocence painted on his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once more the Illinois native beckons Watts forward. Kalmin charges and Recoba tries to leapfrog him, but Watts catches him and drops him with an inverted atomic drop!
The audience cheers as Cross’ legs cross. Staying on the offense, a clubbing forearm from Watts connects with the back of the doubled-over Tap Out owner that drops him to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets back up but again another huge forearm drives into the lower spine of the Fox. Watts grabs the head of Recoba who reaches up and briefly gets a handful of Kalmin’s hair until a knee to the ribs cuts him off. The Pride of Oklahoma throws an arm over his shoulder and lifts…
Watts leaves him to hang in the air as he circles around to cheers! His huge stalling suplex brings Cross back to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wasting no time, Kalmin stays on his opponent. He again lifts him to his feet by his head and drives a forearm into the back of the Vegas resident, and then a pendulum backbreaker finds its mark! Remembering the cheap shot that Recoba hit at the start of the match, Watts pushes down to bend the body of Cross over his knee and soften up the area for later on.
Lifting up the head of his opponent, Watts connects with a snug forearm to the side of the head that puts Recoba on his back.Watts uses his arm to hoist him to a vertical-base and keeps hold of it as a way to whip the Sicilian-American into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts follows up with a huge elbow that staggers Recoba from the corner. Recoba stumbles backwards into a back suplex.
Anthony Jordan can be heard from the outside calling to keep up the pace. Watts obliges willingly as he puts one arm round the shoulder to the chest of Cross and the other through his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Recoba up into a ribbreaker and then shows tremendous power to throw him backwards with a suplex!
Rolling to his feet, Kalmin looks to cover but Cross has carried on rolling to the outside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. mistakenly cuts from the prone body of Recoba to a weird crowd shot of two guys looking at their phone to Kalmin who is now peering over the ropes and debating his options
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba begins to stir and uses the ring apron to get to his feet. He looks up to see Watts staring him down and breaks into a jog to get distance. He rounds the turnbuckle and leaps to the apron where Richie Richardson and Watts are already there.
The Tap Out Owner protests to Richie that he’s been stopped from re-entering. Watts uses the top rope to slingshot Cross back into the squared circle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Through a mix of instinct and outrage, Cross gets to his feet but Watts comes from behind with a huge release german suplex!
The Portland crowd aren’t shy to show what they want, chanting “SOO-NER SQUEEZE! SOO-NER SQUEEZE! SOO-NER SQUEEZE!”
Phillip Blauer: Are they saying Nooner Sneeze?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: No, that’s not it.
Patiently, Watts waits for his opponent to start his rise back to his feet. Cross pushes himself up unsteadily with his hands and places a shaky foot down that does nothing to maintain his balance confidently.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in but Recoba side steps the tackle and sends the Oklahoma Football scholar shoulder first into the ring post!!
The Portland crowd boos loudly. Looking like he was playing possum in part, Cross uses the singlet of Watts to pull him from the corner and wraps a sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba hits a sleeper suplex he calls The Network Special!!
Watts starts to sit-up but Recoba rushes him with a leaping European Uppercut to the seated wrestler.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lifting up Kalmin with a front facelock, Recoba twists him into a hangman’s neckbreaker to continue his assault on the neck of Watts!
Cross wastes no time in lifting Watts back to his feet, driving pointed elbows into the nape of his opponent’s neck as he does so
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross delivers one more driving elbow to keep Watts hunched and applies an abdominal stretch.
Cross Recoba sticks his foot and pulls back on Watts’ trapped arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Portland fans start to boo vociferously as Recoba grabs the top rope to get extra leverage.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if Portland fans know how to do that.
Anthony Jordan: Check the rope!!
Richie Richardson seemingly doesn’t hear the objections as he continues to check on Kalmin to see if the Oklahoma wrestler wants to throw in the towel
Anthony Jordan: The rope!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time his appeal is heard and the referee spots Cross’ arm on the ropes and begins the count.
Phillip Blauer: The boy’s hearing isn’t all that great. I saw him at Jonnie’s birthday party and started talking to him and the poor lad could barely hear a thing I was saying, so he didn’t know to look up from his phone when an elder is talking to him. Very sad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Before Richie gets to five, Cross has Watts’ head between his legs ready to lift him into Garibaldi’s Guillotine, but Watts backdrops him to the delight of the crowd!
The fans cheer wildly! Kalmin goes to pick up Cross but Recoba rakes Watts’ eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba throws Kalmin Watts through the ropes to the outside! Recoba hits the ropes, and leaps over the top rope to hit Watts with a Million Lira Dropkick!!
The cheers turn to jeers. Cross rolls to his feet and drags Kalmin onto the apron and lifts him up. He grabs him in a cravate and flips up and over into a shirunai sitout DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Staten Island Drop on the floor!!
The Tap Out Owner rolls Watts into the ring and climbs through the ropes. With effort, Watts is pulled to his feet. Cross scoops him up into a tombstone position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts manages to reverse the tombstone and places Cross on his shoulder for a running powerslam position. He breaks into a run but Recoba drops down the back and pushes him into the turnbuckle! Saito suplex as Watts staggers out of the corner!
The crowd boos and then starts chanting “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” The Fox stays on Watts and hooks his arms around those of his opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba applies a butterfly lock! Recoba struggles to get the lock on the larger man, Kalmin fighting for every inch he can.
The jeers get louder and chant starts of “LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts powers out and lifts up Recova and charges him into the corner! Recoba staggers out of the corner and into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaving his opponent no time to wonder what just happened, Kalmin picks him and drills his head into the mat with a Memphis style piledriver!!
The Portland crowd let out a huge pop! Watts goes for the cover but Cross has rolled out of the ring
Phillip Blauer: A fireball can’t be too far behind.
The cameras show Cross lying on his back taking in as much oxygen as he can.Kalmin goes towards the ropes to step outside but his manager has beaten him to it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan rolls Cross back into the ring, and Watts makes the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Thr-Cross limply gets a shoulder off the mat!
Kalmin Watts keeps up the tempo and forces Cross up before whipping him to the ropes and dropping to a knee, the crowd know the Hammer is coming
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cuts him off with a knee, and a leg feed enzuigiri takes him down!
The audience lets out another “OH!” An urgent Recoba runs to the corner and gets to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pulls him down with a gutbuster delivered at full force! Watts once more pulls Cross up, but a low blow stops Kalmin’s advantage!
Tucking Watts’ head between his legs, Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. shows a dazed smile on Recoba’s face as he tries to lift Watts into Garibaldi’s Guillotine
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Cross over his shoulder into an inverted neckbreaker!
The fans come to life! Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron. Keeping on the back of his opponent, Watts scoops Cross into an Argentine backbreaker but he slips down the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts turns around and ducks the clothesline, Recoba hits the ropes but the Oklahoma Hammer connects!!
The crowd leaps to their feet as Kalmin leaps and tries to get a bodyscissors on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recova staggers towards the ropes and takes out Richie Richardson!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he just got a ton of heat with his mom, Judy Valen-...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on.
Rolling out of the ring, Cross goes under the apron and pulls out a chair. Inside the ring, Kalmin Watts tries to shake Richie awake
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan looks to confront him but Cross swings it in his direction to get space and gets back in the ring. Kalmin Watts stops trying to rouse Richie Richardson and turns in time for Cross to lay the chair into his back!!
Watts drops to a knee, the anger on his face clear for all to see. Recoba throws him the chair as Richie Richardson starts to get up and drops to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, Richie is disqualifying Kalmin Watts?? Richie, no!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the Portland crowd is furious as Richie Richardson lifts up a feigning dazed Recoba and raises his arms
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AS THE RESULT OF A DISQUALIFICATION?”
Richie nods and Greg shrugs
Greg Jin: “CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Phillip Blauer: I thought his Uncle Jon-...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh!
Phillip Blauer:(rolls his eyes) I thought his Boss Jonnie told him to stop disqualifying people?
Anthony Jordan is in Richie Richardson’s face as Cross wisely backs out of the confrontation
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know, but what I do know is this feud is far from finished.
Cross Recoba laughs as he backs away from the ring, with Kalmin Watts inviting him back to the ring to hit him with a chair again
Fade backstage to Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. who is standing with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan against the Hardkore World background
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Hello fans and I am standing here with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan who has a match tonight against The Sheik. Now Marty, you say that The Sheik is not medically cleared for tonight’s…
MEOW?
Kevin Valentine rolls his eyes. Marty gets a quisical look. They look down and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to their feet where a cat is standing in between Kevin and Marty
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Jackie? Can we please get this stupid cat out of here?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: (scoffs) I don’t fear The Sheik.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: This is ridiculous. The cat is not doing the interview, I am. My Uncle Jonnie gave me this job, not the cat. So anyway, Marty…do you…(pulls on his collar) What time is the match, you think?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: (sputters) How…dare…you! I am the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and I will be treated with respect!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Yeah, shut up cat. So, in closing, I’m gonna bring it home here.. Are you going to win and junk?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: If Oregon didn’t have such draconian animal cruelty rules I would stomp your little kitty head.
Marty stomps off and Kevin gives Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. the cut sign
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Seriously, this cat is overstepping numerous boundaries right now…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts out of the interview abruptly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our big Hardkore West Coast title match between the new champion Kilroy Evans and “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: This is the real main event for me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because someone in The Anointed is in it?
Phillip Blauer: No, because I was hoping to skeedaddle after this. These cold wet temperatures are murder on my eye work, babe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil. You have to stay for the whole show. That’s why we don’t give you your check until after the credits roll.
Phillip Blauer: I see, and has my name been corrected from Phil Blower in those credits?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. hasn’t gotten around to it yet.
"I'm So Paid" by Akon plays and The Chase Center lights turn plum purple. The house lights begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid”
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them!
One of them y'all see! I'm so paid”
Phillip Blauer: I know all the words to this song, but Wes told me not to say them out loud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Good choice. Wesley Crane and Marty Donovan took each other to the limit in San Francisco, which earned him this shot at Kilroy Evans and his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder and the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist to loud boos from the Portland fans. His bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein stands behind him with his arms crossed and a bandage over his head from his earlier match with Little Dragon
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane won the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Championship from Billy Fowler and hopes to add the Hardkore West Coast Championship to his belt collection here tonight.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone. He lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane is the new thing, man. Kilroy is a pay phone, Wesley is a camera phone that you can receive your electronic mails on.
Dan Stein clears a path through the fans leaning over trying to touch them and throw trash. Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane definitely in the ring with one of the biggest challenges of his career. He went to see his mentor, Timmy Draven for advice because Kilroy Evans is the best brawler Hardkore World has seen, with a taste for violence that is unmatched in our long history.
Phillip Blauer: I asked to come with, but I was told to hang back for this one because I’m “genuinely off-putting”. Which is true, I haven’t had any pudding since I started keto.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane
Once he’s at ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring. Once inside he stands in the center of the ring and holds his two title belts up as the crowd jeers. Dan Stein stands in the ring, expressionless.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS and The WRESTLE: UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
A huge round of boos from the Oregon crowd
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and Kilroy walks out to a thunderous ovation from the Veterans Memorial Coliseum. He walks to the ring at a relaxed pace and slaps hands with a fan wearing a Why So Serious? T-shirt with Kilroy and Poke the Clown on it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy was in Portland was in April of 2010 when he teamed with Poke the Clown in an unsuccessful attempt to win the Hardkore America Tag Team titles from The Dark Riders.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, The Shiro boys. That was a whole thing.
Kilroy slaps the fans hands as he walks down to the ring and points to the “Wesley Lame” sign someone is holding
Guillermo O’Bannon: And the last time Kilroy was Hardkore West Coast Champion, he held that title for 17 months and 10 days. Who knows how long he’ll hold it this time, but first he has to get past the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Champion “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a black Pee Wee’s Alamo Basement Tour t-shirt with sneakers and jeans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kilroy started up a Twitch channel this month…
Phillip Blauer: I hope Jonnie does the right thing and starts shutting down all these endeavors like Kilroy’s Twitch…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s podcast?
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) I’m pretty sure Kilroy’s little computer game show isn’t moving the units of mail order meat that Marty’s top rated podcast is. Remember, that’s Marty’s Meat Sack! “Meat For Guys For A Change”. Type in “Blau Dog” at check out for 30% off a package of frankfurters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Francisco, Kilroy defeated Eron Hunter in an excellent scientific encounter with a man he was acquainted with. This will be a much different kind of match against a man he has tangled with before in his feud with The Anointed, so I expect some fireworks early.
Phillip Blauer: I would hope not with the wildfires around here.
Kilroy greets Greg Jin and Kelly O’Connell and then locks eyes with Wesley Crane, barely blinking as he stares at him
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, blink damn you, blink! Wes! Look away! Avert your eyes, lest you be sucked into the void of non-stop cravings of free sausage samples at the Piggly Wigglies!
Wes nods his head and looks away, loosening the ropes as Dan Stein gives him some advice in his ear
Greg Jin: “And his opponent comes from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; He is The Attbury Assassin; THE HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The biggest pop of the night as Kilroy lightly raises his arm while still staring down Wesley Crane
Kilroy Evans vs. "The High Roller" Wesley Crane
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Wesley Crane gets the better and forces Kilroy into the ropes. Kelly O’Connell calls for a break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans locks his arms and headbutts him in the face repeatedly. Crane returns fire with some right hands.
Kilroy Evans scoops Crane up and drops him on his knee with a shoulderbreaker. Wesley stumbles only to walk into a snapmare
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gut wrench suplexes Crane, and The High Roller high tails it out of the ring!
The Portland crowd goes wild and Wesley Crane kicks the railing in frustration. “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes over to calm him down
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane cannot let this man get in his head. He’s like a deer tick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In what sense?
Phillip Blauer: Steer clear of the woods if you want to avoid him.
Dan Stein whispers something into Wesley Crane’s ear and he nods before getting up on the apron. He instructs Kelly O’Connell to keep Kilroy back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane back in the ring now. He angrily charges but the 20+ year veteran takes him down with a drop toehold. He pulls Crane to his feet in a full nelson, but Crane drops to his knees, shooting the top of his head into Kilroy’s face.
The cheers turn to jeers and Crane catches Kilroy with a couple jumping knees to the face, and then irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane charges in with a running european uppercut that absolutely rocks Kilroy Evans! He shoots him to an opposite corner and then does it again!
Wesley Crane punches and kicks Kilroy in the corner, softening him up. He irish whips Kilroy into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane with another running european uppercut but this time Kilroy is waiting for him with a roundhouse kick! Kilroy sits him up and applies a stump puller.
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers as Kilroy Evans pulls up on Crane’s ankles, putting extreme pressure on the back of his neck. Dan Stein shouts encouragement from the outside as Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if he wants to quit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In 2007, Kilroy was in Portland as a special referee in a match between his frequent tag team partner Andrew Karnage and our current Hardkore World Heavyweight Match Disney’s Marty Donovan, in which Karnage was the victor.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, in a match with his partner as the referee? Who’d a thunk it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy continuing to wear down Crane’s neck for that Bad Touch diamond cutter of his with that stump puller.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Wesley Crane up into a suplex, but Crane floats over and lifts him up into a suplex of his own, and then down into a brainbuster!
The audience boos as Crane sits up with a cocky smile on his face. Dan Stein applauds on the outside
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy just rolled snake eyes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane gets on top of him, and bludgeons Kilroy with a flurry of punches!
The boos get louder while Kelly O’Connell tries to intervene. Crane finally stops and then stomps Kilroy’s leg for good measure, then walks around the ring, pointing at his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to get to his feet, but Crane kicks him over. He pulls Kilroy up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. Crane threads Kilroy’s leg through the top and second rope, then backs up. He comes in charging with a knee to his Kilroy’s outstretched leg.
Kilroy Evans bends over in pain, and Wesley Crane double arm DDTs his head into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane irish whips Kilroy into the ropes, dips down for a backdrop, but Kilroy double underhooks his arms and drops Wesley’s face onto his knee!!
Wesley Crane shoots up from the impact, and Kilroy hooks him up into a suplex, but drops him on his head with a brainbuster
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans applies a triangle choke! He pulls back on Wesley’s arm, while creating a vice with that head scissors!
The Portland fans roar! Wesley Crane scoots up on his knees, while Kilroy rows back on his trapped arm. Dan Stein yells encouragement from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Wesley Crane wants to tap out. Kilroy Evans has successfully defended a title here in Portland before. In 2006, he won a brutal match against "The Saikyo Terrorist" Tatsuya Arakawa to retain the Hardkore America Championship.
Wesley Crane refuses to tap out and begins hammering away on Kilroy with his free arm. After repeated blows, Kilroy is forced to release the triangle choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Kilroy up and punches him between the eyes. He grabs him by the hair and violently throws him over the top rope to the floor below!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Kilroy Evans awkwardly hitting the steel guardrail on the way down. The boos rock the arena
Phillip Blauer: We welcome your hatred.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane goes out there after Kilroy and smashes his face into the apron!
Wesley Crane lays into Kilroy, with The Attbury Assassin firing back with right hands of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has turned into a fist fight on the outside! Crane rocks Kilroy with a european uppercut that knocks him into the railing.
A fan yells “You Suck Wes!” as Wesley Crane running knees Kilroy Evans into the guardrail! Kilroy crumples to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane kicks and stomps Kilroy against that security rail. He backs up and charges with a spear, but Kilroy catches him with a belly to belly suplex over the railing into the crowd!!
The Oregon audience pops and then starts chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as a bewildered Wesley Crane lies out in the front row
Phillip Blauer: Looks like he smashed a vegan meatloaf someone brought from home.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy climbs over the railing and starts slugging a backpedaling Wesley Crane.
A large bearded fan hands Kilroy a chair, and Kilroy thanks him. He sets it up on the floor and then ties up his legs with Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans inverted russian leg sweeps Crane’s face into the seat of that chair out in the third row!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh come on, Kelly! Get control of this, it’s deteriorating into anarchy!
Wesley Crane rolls over and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine gets a close up of the laceration over his eye
Phillip Blauer: That’s not good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans headlocks Wesley Crane and then running bulldogs Crane’s throat on to the back of that chair!!
The crowd cheers as a bleeding Crane rolls around on the floor, clutching his throat. Kilroy Evans puts the boots to him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pulls Wesley Crane up to his feet while pounding on his back with forearms. He lifts him up onto a spinebuster but Crane reverses it into a tornado DDT on the concrete!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Kilroy Evans lies motionless for a few moments. Wesley Crane lies next to him, trying to catch his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now bleeding as well.
Phillip Blauer: The strongest evidence to date so far that prayer works.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane rakes his bootlaces across the cut of Kilroy Evans, trying to rip it open wider!
Kilroy pushes him away and then covers his forehead as blood leaks through his fingers. Wesley Crane pulls him up to his feet and hits him with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane smashes Kilroy’s head into the guardrail!
Kilroy Evans’ head rocks back from the impact. Crane grabs him around the neck and exploder suplexes him over the railing into the ringside area
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane jumps over the railing with a knee to Kilroy’s head!
The Portland fans boo loudly as a busted open Crane recovers against the railing. He finally gets to his feet and irish whips him but Kilroy reverses it, pulling him in with a shortarm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands With Danger! Kilroy Evans now biting the bloody forehead of Wesley Crane!
The cheers are deafening as Wesley Crane screams in pain. Kelly O’Connell tries to separate the two and is finally successful. Crane staggers around, with blood getting in his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets a running start and spears Wesley Crane into the railing!!
The audience lets out another big “OH!! At the sound of Crane’s body crashing against the guardrail. They start chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as Kilroy Evans crawls over towards Wesley Crane who is in a heap against the security rail
Guillermo O’Bannon: A crimson masked Kilroy rolls Wesley Crane back into the ring and then follows him in. He pulls him up into a front facelock, but Crane lifts him into a fireman’s carry. The High Roller runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane stomps Evans’ chest. He pulls him up into a suplex that he transitions into a brainbuster!
Wesley Crane rolls his hips and pulls Kilroy back up to his feet and into a second brainbuster! The Oregon crowd boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane rolls him back up into a third and final brainbuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane gives Kilroy Evans’ legs a few kicks, and then applies a dragon sleeper! He locks his hands together and peels back on Kilroy’s head, bending his neck back at a painful angle.
The jeers are deafening. Blood drips down Wesley Crane’s face as Kelly O’Connell asks Kilroy Evans if he wants to submit. Dan Stein keeps yelling at Kelly that Kilroy had already given up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane drops back into an on the mat version of the dragon sleeper, with a bodyscissors as well. The Hardkore West Coast Championship has changed hands twice in Portland, going back 30 y,ears when The Assassin upset Big Brute ACE in 1993. Then again 14 years later when Roscoe Law defeated the late Lonewolf Eric McNeely in 2007.
Phillip Blauer: 16 years later, it’s going to happen again. Portland is due.
Wesley Crane rolls back on Kilroy’s head and neck, while clamping down on his ribs with a leg scissors. Finally, Evans reaches back and scratches Crane’s cut over his eye until he releases the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane pulls him up to his feet, but Kilroy drops down into a jawbreaker!
When Wesley Crane’s legs fly up, Kilroy Evans catches them and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf as the crowd erupts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jawsome! Evans plants his feet and pulls back on Crane’s twisted legs. Kilroy Evans is a bloody mess as he pulls Wesley Crane’s legs towards his head, leaning back as far as he can.
Dan Stein tells Wesley Crane to hold on as The High Roller blood drips into a pool on the canvas underneath his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane finally crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the bottom rope.
Kelly O’Connell taps Kilroy’s shoulder and he releases the cloverleaf, raising his hands, thinking he won
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy thinks this match is over.
Phillip Blauer: He really is a dumb animal, isn’t he?
Kilroy goes through the ropes to the outside and grabs a chair, sliding it into the ring. He rolls in after it and sets the chair up in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Wesley Crane into a swinging neckbreaker where the back of his head hits the back of that standing chair!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a nearly sympathetic “OH!” as Crane holds the back of his head, dazed and bloody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans finally back on his feet, and scoops Crane up, but Wesley floats over into a rear waistlock, and snaps back into a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane motions for Kilroy Evans to get to his feet and then takes him out of his boots with a spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans lifts his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane wipes the blood out of his eyes, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off, coming crashing down with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane pulls him into the corner and slugs him a few times. He climbs to the second turnbuckle, grabbing Evans in a front facelock and jumps off into a tornado DDT but Kilroy reverses it into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Kilroy Evans applies a Make You Humble camel clutch! He laces his fingers underneath Crane’s chin, and sits on the small of his back, rocking back with Wesley’s head and neck!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The fans are on their feet! Kelly O’Connell checks in but isn’t getting much of an answer from Wesley Crane. Kilroy wrenches back on his head some more
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell lifts Crane’s arm and he keeps it up! Kilroy pulls Wesley’s head back and sinks his teeth into that jagged cut over his eye!!
The Portland crowd roars as Crane screams in pain. Kelly O’Connell unsuccessfully tries to peel Kilroy off of Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gives him some sharp punches to open up the cut a little more. Kilroy pulls Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a pulling piledriver, leaving a blood stain on the mat!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Phew!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy waits behind Crane, waiting for him to get up. When he does, Kilroy charges in and Piggybacks on his back, but Crane drops down, hotshotting Kilroy’s throat on the top rope!
The air goes out of the Veterans Memorial Coliseum as a blood drenched Kilroy staggers around, clutching his throat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane superkicks him upside the head!
The Oregon fans boo as Wesley Crane wipes the blood out of his eyes, trying to catches his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane rushes in for In The Face, but Kilroy catches him with The Bad Touch diamond cutter out of nowhere!!
Phillip Blauer: NO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan stomps on the back of Kilroy’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: What??
Phillip Blauer: Oh, thank god. (clutches his chest) My heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a travesty! Get him out of here!
Kelly O’Connell tries to force Marty out of the ring, but he’s stomping Kilroy. “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes in and joins in on stomping and kicking the champ
Phillip Blauer: I should get in there…I like a good ole fashioned stomping party.
Phil starts to get up but the crowd erupts as Tuxedo Mask runs to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask here to even the odds!
Phillip Blauer: (sinks into his chair) Party pooper.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux on the top rope and Dan Stein and Marty Donovan knows what comes after that so they head for the hills!
Phillip Blauer: This is blatant interference!
Tuxedo Mask corkscrew 450 splashes Kilroy Evans and shocks the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? Why…why would…
Phillip Blauer: Who cares? Cover him Wes!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos and throws trash as Tuxedo Mask rolls Wesley Crane on top of Kilroy and points at Kelly O’Connell to count it
Guillermo O’Bannon: No! Why would he do this? They’ve been friends for over twenty years!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“I’m So Paid’ by Akon plays and the garbage continues to get tossed into the ring. Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and is pelted with beer cups and signs as he escapes to the back
Phillip Blauer: Yes! We did it! We own all the gold in Hardkore World!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really hate this. This is bad.
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes, 22 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
Now that it’s safe, an incredulous Dan Stein and Marty Donovan join Wesley Crane in the ring to present him with his Hardkore West Coast Championship. The bloodsoaked Wesley Crane labors to get to his feet, and then holds the title belt in the air as the jeers rain down on him
Phillip Blauer: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane has become a triple champion! He’s a champion of the West Coast, England, and all the tag teams in the World!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would Tuxedo Mask do this? Why would he throw away a decades long friendship with Kilroy Evans?
Phillip Blauer: I would have done it in a hamster’s heartbeat. Read the room, Ginseng. No one wants to talk about the friendless former champ, they want to talk about the brand new West Coast Champion, and look at all the friends he has! See the difference? Friends. No friends. Friends. No friends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was disgusting. I can’t believe what I just watched. They once stood together to fight The Anointed, and tonight, Tuxedo Mask hand delivered Kilroy to The Anointed.
Dan Stein holds Wesley Crane up on his shoulders as Marty Donovan straps the Hardkore West Coast Championship around his waist. Trash continues to fly into the ring. A full soda cup hits Dan Stein’s back, and Stein turns around to see who threw it. The audience parts like the Red Sea and points to the culprit, who turns and runs
Fans, Hardkore World isn’t the only game in town in greater Palm Springs, don’t forget there’s also:
That’s right at the Palm Springs VFW this weekend we’ve got, great PSOW action including:
General Admission is $3! Front row is $1 because you will be sprayed with fluorescent light bulb glass and you will be assaulted during most moves on the outside
Stay after the event where we will be having autograph signings, and you could win the chance to drive a PSOW Superstar home!
Fade back on Guillermo and Phil at ringside. Phil is dressed as Spock from Star Trek. The ringside fans looked shocked. Several are getting their stuff to leave
Phillip Blauer: I’m thinking of putting in an application at that PSOW. Want me to put in a good word for you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, their last main event ended when they arrested one of the guys in the ring for back child support. And Phil, next time you’re going to change into something, can you do it in the locker room and not just get changed here at ringside? Or at the very least wear underwear?
Phillip Blauer: I’m not allowed in the locker room. God, the rules they have back there are so archaic. You have to shake everyone’s hand, no pooping in the urinals. It’s like “Guys, it’s not like the 40s when we were kids anymore.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: We?? And why are you dressed like Spock?
Phillip Blauer: That will reveal itself very soon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose) I honestly don’t care. But anyway, coming up fans is our main event, Disney’s Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, begrudgingly, against former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: What’s with the sass there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well it appears that Marty is deathly afraid of The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Hogwash. The man is just a realist. Is one “afraid” of swimming with great white sharks? Is someone “afraid” of going into a bear’s cave?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would say so, yes.
Phillip Blauer: Fine, if we want to call that “afraid”, then sure, Marty has ‘tactically soiled himself” a few times at The Sheik’s mention.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Veterans Memorial Coliseum is a mix of boos and cheers as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with his cane with The Sheik
Phillip Blauer: This man should not be here. Anyone who saw that bloodbath that passed for a match at Battle of Los Angeles knows that this man is not medically cleared to wrestle here in the state of Oregon. But I, three time Desert News Hawk Award winner, non-consecutive, did a little digging. I found out that even the quack Jonnie has doing sham medical tests wouldn’t clear him.
Some fans are uncharacteristically slapping The Sheik’s back and shoulders as he walks back, but he smacks their hands away
Guillermo O’Bannon: How would you know that unless you went into his medical file?
Phillip Blauer: By looking at his medical file.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s illegal.
Phillip Blauer: Not in Oregon. They passed the Freedom of Wrestler Medical Information Act, the FOWMIA, in 2017.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not true.
Phillip Blauer: It was good enough for Jonnie’s quack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: David, is that true?
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. walks by eating an apple
David Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) Is what true?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That you let Phil see The Sheik’s medical file?
David Valentine Jr.: Sorry, bro. FOWMIA. My hands are tied.
Phillip Blauer: Aren’t those supposed to keep you away?
David Valentine Jr. stops eating his apple and looks at it suspiciously as The Sheik hits the ring, pushing Tommy Milligan and Greg Jin out of his way
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is true that The Sheik went through hell in that exploding barbed wire match in LA with Donzig, and he might be a little worse for wear, but that won’t stop him from accepting the Hardkore World Heavyweight title shot that he earned from that match. He went through alot of bureaucratic hoops with the athletic commission to be here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Of course it won’t, that’s why people like Dave here are committing malpractice by allowing him to compete and not saving him from himself.
David Valentine Jr. puts the apple on the floor and begins backing away from it slowly. Inside the ring, The Sheik poses with Malcolm Xavier Graves
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and after a few moments, “The Punisher” Dan Sten walks out with a bandage over the cut above his eye from his match with Little Dragon. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is strapped around his waist and The Peacemaker is in his hand. He looks around and makes sure it’s safe before waving Marty Donovan out dressed as The Mandolorian with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: I guess now it’s clear why I’m dressed as Dr. Spock, beloved Star Wars character.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Clear as day.
Phillip Blauer: (holds up the live long and prosper sign) Nanoo nannoo.
Dan Stein clears a path through the middle fingers and booing fans with some help with The Peacemaker as Marty Donovan confidently walks through. A beer cup hits his Mandolorian mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is so scared of The Sheik that he tried to get Kilroy Evans to wrestle this match for him. Then he suggested they call this match off to get it moved to the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just helping out an old friend who is clearly in need for a main event of the biggest show of the year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan back in Portland for the first time in nearly 13 years from April 2010 when he lost his Hardkore America Championship to Dougie Ray Bullet.
Phillip Blauer: Dougie was a good egg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At the Battle of Los Angeles, Marty Donovan defeated Wrestle: UK’s Sinclair Godfrey in his Reedy Creek Rules match. Then in Oakland, he made the ill advised move of trying to inform The Sheik that he didn’t believe Sheik was eligible for a title match and well, that went as well as could be expected.
Phillip Blauer: No reason to take it out on my rented Saturn.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did you get the…
Phillip Blauer: No, I didn’t get the insurance.
Yolanda Ando: Marty wears a silver speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style silver boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Marty has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Dan Stein steps through the ropes, and backs off Tommy Milligan and Greg Jin. Marty Donovan gets into the ring, and puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on his shoulder. He steps up to the second turnbuckle and gets blasted by jeers from the Portland crowd. The bell rings and a spotlight hits Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is our Main Event of the evening! It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, the challenger. He is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik gets a mixed reaction that he doesn’t seem to care about. “The Punisher” Dan Stein pats Marty on the shoulder in anticipation for his introduction
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is brought to you by Disney Plus, who invites you to watch Season Three of The Mandalorian, now streaming! He is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos. Dan Stein helps Marty take off The Mandalorian suit in favor of his Disney Plus speedo, while Malcolm Xavier Graves gives The Sheik some last minute advice
Disney's Marty Donovan vs. The Sheik
The Sheik attacks Marty from behind and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: That’s illegal! You have to allow the champeen to change out of his robot costume! At the least it’s a hefty fine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now kicking and stomping Marty Donovan as he lays on the ground.
The fans cheer as Dan Stein complains to Tommy Milligan from ringside. The Sheik irish whips Marty hard into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik charges in with a heel hook that takes Marty up and over the ropes to the floor below!!
Phillip Blauer: No! Keep it in the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over onto Marty, making them both crash into the railing!! This match gets rough early on, playing to The Sheik’s advantage.
The Sheik pulls Marty up and starts slugging him with punches, backing him up along the way. The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair and rams his face into the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now up on the apron. He jumps onto the second rope and leaps back into a springboard back elbow!!
The Portland fans pop and Marty crumbles to the floor. The Sheik pulls him up and punches him in the jaw, then kicks him in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik DDTs Marty Donovan’s skull into the concrete!! So far, Marty has not gotten any offense in here.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how they do things in The Empty Quarter, but here, mister, you best let a guy take off his flamboyant promotional attire before a fight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves now setting up a table. He helps the Sheik load Marty onto the table and then climbs up to the apron. The Sheik gets a running start and jumps off the apron with a leg drop but Dan Stein pulls Marty off the table!!
The Sheik crashes through the middle of the table, then lies on the floor, sandwiched between the two broken sides. Marty recovers at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Dan saw all he could stand and he couldn’t stands no more!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now helping Marty to his feet. Marty gets a running start and hits The Sheik with a flying forearm that takes him over the railing into the crowd!
Fans scatter like roaches when the lights come on as The Sheik lies in the front row. Marty climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan gets on the top turnbuckle flips into a somersault senton hitting The Sheik in the crowd!!
The Portland fans boo as Dan Stein and Malcolm Xavier Graves try to help their man up. Soon, Marty goes over and pulls Sheik up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan picks The Sheik up and crotches him hard on the railing!
Phillip Blauer: That’ll give you an Empty Quarter.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No idea what that means but Marty Donovan climbs out of the audience and is back here at ringside. He rolls into the ring, hits the ropes and jumps onto the middle of the top rope. Marty Donovan springboard missile dropkicks The Sheik back into the crowd!!
The jeers get louder as The Sheik lies amongst the scattered chairs and soda cups on the floor. Dan Stein helps Marty get back up at ringside, and up on to the apron. Stein pulls the railing towards the ring, and then Donovan hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault DDT on The Sheik out in the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits The Sheik with Reedy Creek Racing out in the crowd!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum chants “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!” as Marty and Sheik lie amongst some fans that got caught in the crossfire
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan gets to his feet to go after The Sheik but Malcolm Xavier Graves breaks that cane across the back of Marty’s head!!
The crowd actually cheers for that and Donovan goes down like a bag of hammer onto the feet of the front row
Phillip Blauer: MXG may be my ride back to the hotel, but right now I don’t even know if I’m going to take that ride. Can I ride with you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Dan Stein now staring down Malcolm Xavier Graves!
Malcolm Xavier Graves backs away as a seething Dan Stein walks towards him. MXG tries to get him to listen to reason
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now chasing Malcolm Xavier Graves up the aisle into the locker room!
Phillip Blauer: That’s a mistake, MXG can move!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He runs amazingly well for a guy who needs a cane to walk.
Phillip Blauer: Crazy, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes out of the crowd with a chair over his head and crashes it down on the top of Marty’s skull!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound the chair makes on Donovan’s head. The Sheik then kicks and stomps Marty out in the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses Marty over the railing into the ringside area, and it appears Marty is busted open!
Phillip Blauer: No! We have a shoot to promote Mighty Ducks: Gamechanger in the morning! Larry, call ahead and tell them Marty’s going to need a goalie mask.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and talks into his walkie talkie. The Sheik climbs over the security rail and punches Donovan over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair then smashes his face into the apron. He rolls Donovan back into the ring and climbs to the apron. Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a somersault leg drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies a LeBell lock! Marty Donovan bleeding all over the mat as Sheik rocks back on his head and twisted arm.
The fans cheer as Sheik locks his hands together under Marty’s chin, wrenching back on the LeBell lock. Tommy Milligan asks Marty “Whattaya wanna do?”
Phillip Blauer: The only thing holding Marty together is The People!
Guillermo O’Bannon: These people hate him.
Phillip Blauer: And the hate of Northwesterners is like oxygen to him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship has changed hands in Portland two times. The first was in when Robert Hunglestien III defeated James Fierce in 2006 and then when “The Punisher” Dan Stein defeated Cobryn in 2007. Marty Donovan now crawls over and grabs the bottom rope!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum boos as Tommy Milligan forces The Sheik to break the LeBell lock. The Sheik relents and pulls Marty’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up into a powerbomb, but Marty reverses it into a frankensteiner!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan climbs to the second rope and sits on the top turnbuckle. Now he's pointing at Greg Jin for some reason?
Phillip Blauer: I think he meant to point to me but there’s alot of blood in his eyes.
The Portland crowd jeers as Marty Donovan hops off the second rope and catches The Sheik with a panama sunrise somersault piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan applies a butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon to The Sheik’s arms!
The catcalls get louder as Marty Donovan goes down to one knee while pulling back on The Sheik’s double underhooked arms. The audience starts chanting “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!”
Marty Donovan: (shakes his head) I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!
Phillip Blauer: (wipes a tear) It’s like when Braveheart screams “Freedom!” at the end of that really weird Bill and Ted movie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was Braveheart.
Phillip Blauer: You bet your sweet bippy. (gets choked up) It was the bravest heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty leans back on The Blue Moon, trying to get his first win in Portland. He lost to Andrew Karnage here in June of 2007, with Kilroy Evans as the special guest referee. In 2006, Marty lost a Connecticut Chain match to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini here in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, you mean he’s never won a match here?? (cups his hands and yells towards Marty) Call it off! The fix is in, Marty!
A blood drenched Marty looks over at Phil and The Sheik uses the distraction to backdrop his way out of The Blue Moon, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik spike DDTs Marty Donovan’s head into the canvas! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a flying leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops Marty up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The Sheik irish whips him but Marty reverses it and shoots Sheik into the corner. He follows him in a half step behind and dropkicks him into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan sweeps The Sheik’s legs out from under him. He goes to the outside, and then slingshots himself over the ropes into a basement dropkick!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a loud “OH!” Marty Donovan pulls him up by the hair, but The Sheik headbutts him in the face, trying to open his cut wider
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes Marty Donovan’s face into the turnbuckle. He grabs him by the hair and punches him right between the eyes.
Marty Donovan returns fire with a kick, but The Sheik catches his leg. The crowd cheers and The Sheik licks his lips at having Marty in this predictament
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion hopping on one leg, but he swings around with an enzuigiri!
The Portland audience lets out another “OH!” and The Sheik goes down like a redwood. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle, then tucks his chin and front flips into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan steps through the ropes and out on to the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off but Sheik catches him by his bloodsoaked hair and sits out into a facebuster!!
The crowd erupts and Marty leaves a bloodstain on the canvas! The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonsault by The Sheik!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Sheik stomps Marty’s face, then goes to the outside. He pulls a chair out from under the ring and slides it under the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls into the ring and goes to pick up the chair, but Marty stomps the chair, preventing him from lifting it! Marty lifts Sheik onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and drops him on his neck with a ushigoroshi!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
A crimson masked Marty Donovan irish whips him into the corner, but The Sheik bounces off the turnbuckles and catches an oncoming Marty with a slingblade! He positions the chair on the mat and then pulls Marty up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops Marty up, but Donovan floats over onto his feet behind him in an inverted facelock. He lifts The Sheik up into a reverse suplex into a snap DDT!! Better Than Cobryn!
The Sheik lies on the mat in exhaustion and Marty bleeds next to him. Tommy Milligan starts laying in the double count
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik is still down but Marty sits up, and pulls himself up by the ropes!
Five!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls Sheik up into a full nelson and drops back into a dragon suplex, but Sheik lands on his feet behind him. Marty turns around into a double arm DDT on the chair by The Sheik!!
Phillip Blauer: You can hear the sound of his head hitting that chair back at the merch tables!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapased. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The Portland crowd roars as The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle with that chair in his hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes off the top rope with an arabian facebuster leg drop with the chair!!
There’s a buzz of confusion as the fans on the hard camera side all start peering towards the entrance. Suddenly Alexander Von Blankenship slides into the ring
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is back in Hardkore World! He’s been gone since January!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos, as AVB blesses the jeering crowd with the holy trinity
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pushing AVB back!
Alexander Von Blankenship backs off and assures The Sheik that he’s there for Marty
Phillip Blauer: What?? After all we did for that kid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not English, but I’m pretty sure The Sheik just told Alexander Von Blankenship he doesn’t need his help.
The Sheik turns towards Marty. Von Blankenship lifts The Sheik up onto his shoulders and drops him on his head with his burning hammer on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence on the chair!! AVB drags Marty Donovan on top of The Sheik and demands Tommy Milligan count!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The audience lets out a thunderous ovation of hatred as a bloody Donovan continues to lie on top of The Sheik, not moving. “When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays as Alexander Von Blankenship stands over The Sheik, smirking at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship blindsides The Sheik who had the leader of The Anointed beat!
Phillip Blauer: That’s not true, I thought I saw Marty twitch a pinkie, but it could be this drafty old arena.
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 24 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
“The Punisher” Dan Stein finally gets back to ringside and sees Alexander Von Blankenship standing over both Marty and Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein bolts into the ring to protect his friend Marty!
Phillip Blauer: No Dan, it’s all a giant misunderstanding, like a Three’s Company where everyone thinks Jack is dying but he was talking about his goldfish!
Dan glares at AVB as the intimidated second generation star explains that he helped Marty retain his Hardkore World Championship
Phillip Blauer: You see, the horny sleazeball neighbor Larry was supposed to feed them when Jack was on vacation, and Chrissy eavesdropped on them from the kitchen and got everything mixed up…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein picks up Marty Donovan and tries to wake him up and wipes all the blood out of his eyes.
Marty comes to and sees Dan
Marty Donovan: Oh, hey Dan. (turns towards Von Blankenship) Hey, AVB. (blinks) Alex?? You’ve come back!
Marty hugs Alexander Von Blankenship as beer cups and wadded up programs get tossed into the ring by the irate Portland fans
Phillip Blauer: It’s a reunion two months in the making! As far as touching you in a place you long thought was dead, this beats the pants off of any returning soldier surprising his kids video. The Future of The Anointed is back!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right, back and liable to pay for what he just cost The Sheik to announce his return.
Dan Stein begrudgingly joins in on the group hug with Donovan and Von Blankenship
Phillip Blauer: That’s something we can worry about tomorrow, tonight we celebrate Marty successfully defending his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship by going to one of Portland’s many gastropubs where we can get an average hamburger sandwich served by a man with a complicated beard and black plates in his ear lobes.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane hits the ring and celebrates with The Anointed as the fans continue to rain boos on them. Malcolm Xavier Graves comes to ringside to help The Sheik out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, join us next month for our biggest show of the year, Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Phillip Blauer: I’ll be there, I just have to find out where it’s being held this year…
Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and stomps The Sheik, while holding the ropes. Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. starts ringing the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now what is this? The Anointed have just wreaked havoc here all night, what are they trying to prove? Wesley Crane now in the ring as well, as they all beat on The Sheik!
Suddenly the lights go out and the picture goes completely black
Phillip Blauer: (screams) OH NO, I DIED!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh, Jesus, Phil, the light just went out.
Phillip Blauer: (wails) Oh, it’s even worse. My hell is spending an eternity watching even more wrestling with Whathisname!
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait…no!
An ear splitting pop from the fas as the lights in the Veterans Memorial Coliseum explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat. The color drains from Marty’s face and he gets behind Dan Stein, Wesley Crane and AVB, pushing them towards the danger
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Phillip Blauer: What? What is it? I don’t know what this song means! Why does everyone else know what this song means?? (grabs Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr’s shirt and shakes him) Tell me what this song means!
Steve Awesome steps through the curtain wearing his XHF Hardcore Championship and is nearly blown back by the monster pop from the Portland fans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It started with the standoff at the Magic Kingdom and now it’s about to explode! It’s the XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome, here for the Hardkore Champion!
He starts running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones
Phillip Blauer: How are those different titles? I feel like my brain is on fire!
Steve Awesome slides into the ring and The Anointed back off as a unit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome helps The Sheik up to his feet so he can defend himself.
Phillip Blauer: How is there a Hardcore title and a Hardkore title??
Steve Awesome cracks The Sheik upside the head with a superkick, and the air goes out of the building
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome just gave The Sheik The Thigh Slapper Super Kick!
The fans boo as Marty Donovan relaxes and pats his heart. Steve Awesome brings him in for a hug and the jeers become deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not only has Alexander Von Blankenship returned but Steve Awesome is in Hardkore World and is now part of The Anointed!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, of course. This was actually my idea. I spearheaded this project in fact. Yup, had my whole team on it.
Marty holds up the arms of both Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome as the audience showers them with vitriol
Guillermo O’Bannon: There will be some scores to settle after this at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to our first trip to the Pacific Northwest since our 2012 show in Seattle, Washington. It is also our first sell out since our return!
Phillip Blauer: You kidding me? I sold out months ago. I’ve been doing videos about how Disney resorts are not responsible for any children eaten by gators, real or robotic, on Disney properties. It plays on a loop when you try to watch TV in your hotel room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I stand corrected, Phil is our first sell out.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin. You know I went to a Chinese restaurant out here in Oregon and they asked if I wanted the wonton soup or the egg drop soup. I ordered the wonton, and I got egg drop soup with wontons in it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have noticed all the Spanish is wrong here. But anyway, our main event is Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Championship on the line against the bloodthirsty Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: You wanna see bloodthirsty? You should have seen me when I got the estimate to fix all the damage he did to my rented Chevy Saturn. That really steamed my beans, mister. I usually get on with his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves pretty well. Sometimes we share a ride to make the next shot. But after this, I will never let him choose what podcast we listen to.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Strong words, from a hurt man. We have Kilroy Evans first title defense of the Hardkore West Coast Championship that he won from Eron Hunter in San Francisco, as he puts it on the line against a heated rival in “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: This is the final step to The Anointed holding all the gold. They’re gonna have to bring back the six man titles just so we can win those too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A feud that’s been bubbling under the surface for a couple months finally erupted in San Francisco. Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts have been having competing challenges for their submission holds, The Sooner Squeeze and Garibaldi’s Guillotine. At The Chase Center, after Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan caused Cross Recoba to get counted out in his match with Tuxedo Mask, Cross tried to settle it once and for all and have them do their submission holds at the same time to The Dutch Express, and whoever got their opponent to tap first would be the winner.
Phillip Blauer: No, the winner would be the guy standing at the end, and that was hopefully my next employer at Tap Out, Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, I honestly don’t think he’s hiring right now.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he’s hiring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What does that mean? Anyway, Cross Recoba threw a tantrum when it looked like he might lose and attacked Kalmin Watts. Tonight, they get to settle it once and for all in a wrestling match. Then another grudge match as Tuxedo Mask steps in the ring against the man who substituted for him in the Hardkore World Tag Team title ladder match in Las Vegas against The Anointed. Disney’s Marty Donovan injured Tux and took him out, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen bravely stepped up. Things were going well, when Tux decided to insert himself back in just to get the belts but that moment of confusion was the time Wesley Crane needed to snatch them away and win them for The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Tux has a similar condition to me in that attention is the air that we breathe. Yet, we still have to wait to board an airplane with the rest of the ables.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After wins in Sante Fe, Reno, and San Francisco, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen takes a big step up tonight against the former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion. Speaking of stepping up, Little Dragon takes on former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Little Dragon vs. Big Dan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure, I guess.
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Portland crowd jeers as Moondog Dook walks down the aisle eating a rotisserie chicken
Phillip Blauer: Not a chance in Hades that he paid for that thing.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Ugh, there’s pieces in his chest hair.
Phil jumps away in revulsion
Phillip Blauer: Ah!! Donnie’s right next to me!! Security!! Larry!! Lare Bear!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is joining us on commentary because our next match features an ex-employee of his. Simon Cruise used to work ring crew for us as a youth.
Phil holds his chest and tries to control his breathing
Phillip Blauer: (to Donnie) Sorry, old chum. You need to warn a fella before breaking the unspoken iron wall between talent and production. It’s…jarring to the bone. I…can’t stop shaking.
Moondog Dook sees the “Neuter the Moondog!” sign and barks at it nervously
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fresh off of the hostilities with Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, the always dangerous and unpredictable Moondog Dook is now facing the young Simon Cruise. Here is Yolanda Ando with the Hardkore World fashion report.
Yolanda Ando: Thanks Guillermo and Phil! Moondog Dook is an Albino hillbilly, wearing ripped jean shorts with a rope acting as a belt, with black boots.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Fun fact, that chain has a previously unknown form of staph on it that you can catch from grabbing it from him and putting it on Carl the timekeeper’s table.
Phillip Blauer: That is fun. A little infotainment.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The Veterans Memorial Coliseum for tonight’s Hardkore World action! Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
The fans boo as Moondog Dook runs up to the second turnbuckle and barks at them
As the "Riptide" pumps over the PA system, the camera hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well how do you like that?
Cruise surfs over the announce table and catches Phil in the back of the head with his surfboard
Phillip Blauer: OWW!! (rubs the back of his head) I don’t! That’s very dangerous, can we fire him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, Phil. Lighten up.
Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Five time IWA World Heavyweight Champion Simon Cruise. Donnie, you knew Simon here 16 years ago as a youth, putting up rings for Hardkore World. Can you tell us a little about what he was like?
Donnie Valentine Jr: Squirt…or I mean Simon was great. If I told him the ropes were too tight, he didn’t say “So’s your Mom.” He wasn’t always looking to mouth off like these other guys I got now. And I’m a cool boss. Younger guys need me to buy em beer? I do it. I give the guys a night off if they wanna hook up with a rat. I don’t even drug test. I say, if it’s safe enough for the wrestlers to be fucked up in the ring, it’s safe enough for us to get to be fucked up putting it together, you know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s actually terribly unsafe.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m getting a lump in the back of my head. (turns around) Can you check?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (doesn’t check) Looks good. Simon Cruise left Hardkore World to pursue surfing and eventually getting in the ring himself. He came back to the West Coast to repay Jonnie’s kindness for giving him his big break. He made his Hardkore debut in Oakland against Dana “The Drone” Daniels but tonight in Portland he gets some stiffer competition in Moondog Dook.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Donnie and Guillermo: (together) Thank you, Yolanda.
Guillermo looks at Donnie, who blushes and looks away. Yolanda seems blissfully unaware
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Huge pop from the Portland crowd as Simon flashes a ‘hang loose’ sign at them
Simon Cruise vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Simon and Dook lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise gets the better of that exchange and grabs a side headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on the side of Dook’s temple.
Donnie Valentine Jr: You know, a lot of people think I just got this job because my uncle is Hardkore Jonnie Valentine, and that’s their business. But I don’t even let it bother me, you know? You can’t let things like that get under your skin because at the end of the day, it doesn’t affect me at all.
Phillip Blauer: That’s good to hear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook tries to push Simon Cruise off but Cruise hangs on to that headlock and flips him to the mat.
The wily veteran Moondog Dook tries to keep his shoulders off the mat while Cruise grinds that headlock. Dook rolls onto his belly
Donnie Valentine Jr: If people choose to believe something like that, that’s their problem. If they want to think negatively like that, I can’t do anything about that. That’s their deal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook escapes the headlock with a leg scissors, but Simon Cruise pops out of that and grabs an armbar.
Simon Cruise sticks his knee into the ball of Dook’s shoulder while clamping down on his arm. Dook grabs Cruise’s hair out of desperation until Richie Richardson gives him the five count to stop
Phillip Blauer: Bad dog.
Donnie Valentine Jr: What kind of sick individual thinks like that anyway? Have you ever thought about that? What other disgusting thoughts do they have, to just assume something like that, without even knowing anything? Never having a cup of coffee in this business, and they think they know?
Phillip Blauer: I get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook works his way to his feet with Simon Cruise hanging onto the armbar. He reaches between Cruise’s legs and scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cruise hangs onto his arm and flips him right back over into an armbar.
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers and Moondog Dook shakes his head, refusing to give up. Simon Cruise clamps down on the armbar some more
Donnie Valentine Jr: I mean, I don’t want to go on and on about this. It’s just…these people go on to have children, you know? And they’re gonna teach their children things like this? That I became head ring crew because of my Uncle Jonnie, and because he used to say “Oh, I can always remember you because our names rhyme!” and then put a pacifier in and zone out to EDM for 6 hours. They’re gonna tell kids that. Innocent kids.
Phillip Blauer: That’s bonkers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook back on his feet in the arm bar. Simon Cruise again tightens the lock he has on Dook’s wrist and elbow, but Moondog uses his free arm to rake Simon’s eyes.
The Portland fans jeer as Richie Richardson warns Dook for the infraction, while the Moondog tries to shake some feeling into his arm
Donnie Valentine Jr: I’m not a big death penalty guy, ask anyone. But those kind of people should not be on this earth, I’m just saying. They’re a jagged scar on the face of humanity as a whole.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dook headbutts Simon Cruise right between the eyes.
Donnie Valentine Jr: Just like that female cop in Sacramento.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you?...
Phillip Blauer: He gets mad when you bring it up for some reason.
Donnie Valentine Jr: My apologies. I thought that was common knowledge.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I do not think it’s something we should be focusing on, it was a long time ago and Moondog Dook grabs a front facelock on Cruise. Dook tries to ratchet it up, but Simon Cruise flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Moondog Dook gets his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie and Donnie. Hey, they do rhyme! How about that? (chuckles)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise waits for him to get up and then handsprings into a mule kick to his chest!! Radomizer!
Moondog Dook rolls to his feet and then walks right into a dropkick with authority from Simon Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did you see the form on that Bitchin Dropkick? That looks like it could rival Hardkore Jonnie Valentine’s!
The crowd applauds the height he got on that as Moondog Dook rolls out of the ring in frustration
Donnie Valentine Jr: Better slow that role. Did you not see the note in the breakroom? What did it say?
Phillip Blauer: “Please wipe down the microwave once in a while and Phil, stop eating people’s lunches out of the fridge.”
Donnie Valentine Jr: The other one.
Guillermo sighs and looks at the picture of his beautiful wife and kids on the commentator’s desk
Guillermo O’Bannon: (reciting) “Hardkore Employees are not to denigrate The Founder’s dropkick.”
Dook kicks the railing and gets a loud chorus of boos from the Oregon crowd. He walks around ringside to the other side of the ring and doesn’t see Simon Cruise has snuck over to the apron. Cruise gets a running start and clocks an oncoming Dook with a knee smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
Phillip Blauer: Why are you yelling?
The audience is loud as Simon Cruise pulls himself up to his feet by the railing
Donnie Valentine Jr: Come on, Squirt! Do this for the ring crew!
Simon Cruise rolls into the ring and then hits the ropes. He jumps onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off into a senton that smashes Moondog Dook into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
Phillip Blauer: (takes off headset) I’m just gonna take these off for a while until you calm down a little.
The Portland crowd chants “SIMON CRUISE!! SIMON CRUISE!! SIMON CRUISE!! as both Dook and Cruise lie on the Veterans Memorial Coliseum floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls Dook up to his feet, but Moondog suddenly comes alive and sinks his teeth into Cruise’s nose!
Jeers rain down as Cruise screams in pain. Dook finally lets him go and then grabs his chain from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook choking Cruise from behind with that dirty chain of his!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos as Cruise chokes, while trying to get his fingers underneath the chain
Donnie Valentine Jr: Come on, Richie! Do something! Can you believe this? I get all this flack, but do I ask to get put in the video game like Kevin? No. Do I ask to be a ref like Richie?
Phillip Blauer: I knew it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nothing. I know nothing. (trying to change the subject) Simon Cruise now down on one knee while Dook strangles him with that chain!
Moondog Dook releases the chain and grabs Simon Cruise in a side headlock, pulling him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook tries to running bulldog him into the corner post, but Simon Cruise pushes him off, and Dook takes that ring post so hard you can hear it throughout the Veterans Memorial Coliseum!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh!
The fans let out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Dook’s head ringing off the post
Donnie Valentine Jr: They gotta be careful, those ring posts aren’t cheap. Can’t have em all dinged up from wrestler skulls.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of a now bleeding Moondog Dook, staggering around ringside. Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise leaps over the top rope with a suicide dive on Moondog Dook!!
Donnie Valentine Jr: Simon’s a pretty chill guy but if you piss him off like biting him for instance…
A ringside fan grabs Simon Cruise’s surfboard
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That scruffy lumberjack is trying to run off with Simon’s gimmick! Lare Bear!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and waddles over to the situation. But he’s too late as the fan tosses Simon Cruise the surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise tosses the surfboard at Dook but the bloody Moondog catches it! But Cruise dropkicks the surfboard into Dook’s face!!
The audience pops as Dook’s head leaves a big stain on the surfboard. Cruise pumps the crowd up to a fever pitch and then rolls him into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise now back in the ring and he steps on the backs of Dook’s knees while holding his arms. Simon rolls him up into a La Tapatia mexican surfboard he calls Cruise Control!!
Dook screams in agony as Simon Cruise pushes up on the backs of his knees; while pulling back on his twisted arms. Richie Richardson asks the Moondog if he wants to give up which he immediately agrees to
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook gives up to Cruise Control!!
Donnie Valentine Jr: That’s what I’m talkin about!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell as “Riptide” by Vance Joy comes on. Simon Cruise releases the Cruise Control and lets a limp Dook collapse to the mat
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 38 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Richie Richardson raises Simon Cruise’s arm while the fans cheer for the newcomer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with another win here tonight as he returns to the territory he started in before he was even in the business.
Donnie Valentine Jr: It sincerely warms the cockles of my heart to see him win tonight.
Richie Richardson checks on a blood drenched Moondog Dook who hasn’t moved since the end of the match. He calls over Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. Meanwhile, Simon Cruise shows Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. the bloodstain on his surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hoping we don’t have another injury situation on our hands. San Francisco was a brutal night with Syberus and Ruben Bowman going down to injuries, with Syberus’ neck injury so severe he was forced to retire.
Simon Cruise goes up the aisle, slapping the fans’ hands. Inside the ring, David Valentine Jr. and his medical team load Moondog Dook on a stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like the contact Moondog Dook made with that corner post was so severe that he is going to need some further medical attention in the back.
Phillip Blauer: That’s got to be a welcome sight for his many victims.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, we don’t need to…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out
Fade backstage to Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. who is standing with Kilroy Evans against the Hardkore World background
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Hello fans and I am standing here with Hardkore West Coast Champion Kilroy Evans who has a match against “High Roller” Wesley Crane and…
MEOW?
Kevin and Kilroy freeze. They look down and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to their feet where a cat is standing in between Kilroy and Kevin
Kilroy Evans: Who is this?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: That’s a cat. It’s Hurricane’s cat, Purrman Melville. Sorry about that. Jackie? Can we get him…
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Kilroy Evans: Interesting. Am I wrestling Wesley Crane tonight or my own creeping mortality?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I was gonna ask if you think you’re gonna win and stuff?
Kilroy Evans: No, it's definitely Crane. Mortality can't be fought against. The only thing you can truly do is use as much time as you have to exercise your agency before you're forced to take a passive role in your own life and await the inevitable.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Cool I guess, I didn’t really wanna know all that. Anyways, question two. Is wrestling fun?
Purrman Melville: Meow.
Kilroy Evans: Portland’s name was decided on a coin toss? I had no idea! So was my decision to try and actively kill Wesley Crane tonight. *sighs, scuffs at the floor* He gets to live.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Again, stupid. So anyway, my final question. What have you been up to lately?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Kilroy Evans: Ouch. Warn a guy first next time. It's not like I'm not aware of that, but maybe pick the words a little more carefully. I expect a huge challenge from Wesley Crane tonight. A guy doesn't definitively win the Wrestle: UK title and barely miss out on being Hardkore World champion on the same day and not cement himself as a force to be reckoned with. But, on the other hand, he's gotta deal with me. So who's to say who's getting the short end of the stick tonight. *pause* It's him. It's totally him.
Kilroy walks out of shot while Kevin Valentine, Jr. looks annoyed at Purrman Melville.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Stupid cat, you made me look bad!
Kilroy walks back into shot and lightly taps Kevin on the shoulder.
Kilroy Evans: Sorry, I almost forgot. Yes Kevin, wrestling is very fun.
There's a silent pause as Kilroy looks at Kevin, who offers nothing in return.
Kilroy Evans: Okay, bye!
Kilroy leaves again as Purrman starts licking itself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match between “The Punisher” Dan Stein and a man who grew up watching him, Little Dragon. Dan Stein has been on a tear since his return to the ring, but Little Dragon is a second generation star on the rise.
Phillip Blauer: Dan The Man is gonna give him the whipping that his mother, Dragonatrix should have. The irony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I agree that Dan Stein has been on a tear since his return to the ring, but Little Dragon is a second generation star on the rise.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the audience cheers as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: As a boy, Little Dragon watched Dan Stein but now he says that man has changed by joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he changed. He changed tax brackets.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon is very aware of that Peacemaker wooden staff of Dan Stein’s and the strength difference but isn’t going to back down, and the intensity that Little Dragon brings to the ring allows him to end matches out of nowhere, like Ruben Bowman found out in San Francisco.
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Also an update on Ruben Bowman, he had successful surgery on a torn ACL and is resting comfortably at home. We wish him a speedy recovery. But Little Dragon wants to remind Dan Stein of who he once was, and is going to use this match to try and do that through a battle of attrition.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays over the PA. “The Punisher” Dan Stein makes his way to the ring area with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time he was here in Portland was in June of 2007, when Little Dragon watched from home as Dan Stein defeated Cobryn for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Stein knows Little Dragon thinks he knows what wrestling him is like from TV, or stories his father Dragon Belt told him, but it’s nothing like getting in the ring with the real deal.
Phillip Blauer: It’s like Dirty Jobs. Everyone thinks they could do it from watching TV, until you feel something slither into your shoe.
Dan Stein starts walking down to the ring, and no one dares pat his chest or back
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Francisco, Dan Stein started off the night clearing the ring of Gavin Drake and “The Infamous” Onyx Breakker.
Phillip Blauer: The Infamous What Now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: And then defeated his long time rival The Great Syberus, delivering a neck injury that he had to get career ending surgery for.
Phillip Blauer: That was in one night??
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He once used the skull of the ubiquitous Punisher but gave up the symbol completely after a trademark dispute. If you look closely at his forearms, you can see a very faint outline of what used to be skull tattoos he had removed several years ago. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein and Little Dragon are both promising violence tonight.
Upon entering the ring, “The Punisher” Dan Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the jeers of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He Is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…The Enforcer of The Anointed; He is The Road Warrior Danimal…He is ’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Portland fans boo as Dan Stein holds The Peacemaker over his head
"The Punisher" Dan Stein vs. Little Dragon
Kelly O’Connell calls for the bell, and Dan Stein charges in at Little Dragon easily throwing him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein fires off a series of body shots, battering away at his sides and ribs before he steps back to drive a clothesline across his chest and throat that drives him against the turnbuckle!
Stein does it again, before he whips him from the corner and across the ring. Little Dragon slams hard into the corner, and then he charges in
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon moves aside at the last minute, and Stein slams hard into the corner! Little Dragon snaps a kick across his back.
Stein arches his back in pain, and then Little Dragon unleashes another karate kick into the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon leaps upwards to deliver a tornado DDT that rocks Stein!
The fans cheer, and Little Dragon makes the cover
…ONE!
…Dan Stein flings Dragon Belt off on to his feet!
The Portland crowd groans, and Stein shakes his head as he comes to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at that power! Dan tossed him in the air like pizza dough.
Phillip Blauer: I miss when they used to do that. Now, they act like you getting to pick your toppings is some new thing. That’s what pizza is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon is back on him, throwing punches at Stein’s head before he moves behind to lock on the dragon sleeper!
The fans cheer, and Little Dragon hauls back as Stein arches and flails trying to get the rope. Dragon locks his hands together and peels back on Stein’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, in 2006, Dan Stein teamed with Lucifer Jones as LSD to successfully defend the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Paul Soutter and The Shootfighter here in Portland. Stein now grabs the ropes and Kelly O’Connell forces Little Dragon to release the dragon sleeper.
Dan Stein shoves his way back to his feet. He grabs Little Dragon, smirking at him, before he starts throwing stiff forearms across his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Little Dragon over his head with a gorilla press!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum gets their phones out as Stein lifts Little Dragon high in the air and then tosses him over the ropes to the floor, slamming hard against the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein throws Dragon onto the floor! Dragon staggers to his feet, holding his ribs.
Phillip Blauer: Little Dragon Ribs sound like an amazing appetizer. Can we get those?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. looks unsure, but then nods, and walks away. Inside the ring, Dan Stein cracks Little Dragon’s head against the ring apron a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein irish whips him into the ringpost, but Little Dragon leaps upwards, coming off the apron to crash down on Stein with a moonsault!!
The fans explode, and Dan Stein is down as Little Dragon stumbles to his feet. The crowd chants “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!” A fan in an old Kilroy Evans “Why So Serious?” shirt hands Dragon Kid a chair when he requests one
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that shirt has seen better days. Like Kilroy himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pushed himself upwards, holding at his back and Little Dragon cracks a chair across his head!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!” Dan Stein staggers back, and is caught with another hard shot!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon with a third vicious shot that rocks Stein against the side of the ring!!
Little Dragon flings down the chair, and then drags Stein up into a front facelock to go for a DDT on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes back to life, and powers out of the front facelock and tosses threw Dragon into the barricade again!!
The fans let out another “OH!” and then boo. Dan Stein drags Little Dragon’s head across the top of the metal rail before he heads for the tables with a smirk
Phillip Blauer: You know Geneva, after I went undercover to expose unlicensed eyelid surgeons at area shopping malls, my eyes aren’t what they once were. So Dan Stein has brought the match here to me to help me offer my insightful commentary. That’s the considerate side that the neckbeards get wrong about him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein drops a few heavy forearm blows across Little Dragon’s back, slamming over him again and again. He grabs him by the throat, lifting him overhead before he sends him through our…!!!
Audio cuts out as Dan Stein chokeslams Little Dragon through the announce table at ringside. Little Dragon is sprawled out, the table is broken in half. Guillermo’s legs are trapped underneath a piece of broken table and his office chair, his headset askew with the microphone covering his face. Phil is wiping off his pants. The Portland crowd boos as Dan Stein smirks while he poses over the wreckage. In a panic, Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. hits the wrong button on his switcher and takes Kevin Valentine Jr. backstage. Kevin seems to be trying to kick a cat but it gets away. Danny switches to a freeze frame of Talent Relations, and then back to ringside. Dan reaches down, pulling Little Dragon from the mess. Hardkore Ring Crew Danny Valentine Jr. leans the two broken table halves together in a little teepee while Hardkore Audio Technician Carl Valentine Jr. fixes the mic cables. Dan Stein leads Little Dragon by the mask arries him towards the ring. He presses Little Dragon over his head, gorilla pressing him through the ropes into the ring. Little Dragon arches his back in pain, rolling around. Stein steps back into the ring and makes the cover as Kelly O’Connell slides in to make the count
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
The fans cheer, and Stein shouts at Kelly O’Connell about a slow count, before she shoves him and points to her referee shirt. Dan Stein backs off and hauls Little Dragon back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: … …(audio hum)... … …che… … …(feedback)... … …(distorted) check one… … … … check one two. Microphone check, one two? Can you hear me?
Phillip Blauer: I can, yes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the truck. I know you can hear me.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I’m not thrilled about it either.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, sorry fans, it looks like we’re back. I apologize, we were knocked off air for a little bit but I am told you can hear me now.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, we gotta get a lot faster on that, Danny. It’s not like this stuff never happens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein scoops Little Dragon up and then charges across the ring to drive him down with a powerslam!
The Oregon crowd boos, and Stein makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Kelly O’Connell holds up two fingers, and Stein slams his fists on the mat. Dan rolls to the outside to grab another chair.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever you were drinking spilled on my slacks and smells like turpentine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was juice. I need it for my voice.
Phillip Blauer: Uh huh, and whatever was mixed with that juice is burning a hole through them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was juice. Dan Stein shoulders past Kelly O’Connell, and lifts the chair but Little Dragon hits a huge dropkick that sends the chair into Stein’s face!!
The audience cheers, and Stein stumbles, trying not to fall
Phillip Blauer: Oh no! Hoisted by his own petard!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon drops Dan Stein with a DDT onto the steel chair!!
The fans erupt when they see Dan Stein is bleeding, and Little Dragon makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein shoves Little Dragon off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Enforcer of The Anointed irish whips Little Dragon into the ropes before catching him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker!
Dragon arches in pain, kicking and flailing before a busted open Stein locks in his rings of saturn
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Final Solution!!
The fans boo and jeer, but Little Dragon shakes his head refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell as he tries to get a foot on the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein twists him away! He wrenches back on both of Little Dragon’s arms and shoulders with all of his 285 pounds! Little Dragon finally nods yes!
The bell rings and “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays. Dan Stein refuses to release The Final Solution
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes, 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, he’s gotta release the hold, the match is over!
Phillip Blauer: Dan’s just making sure Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot of it. No one makes Dan The Man bleed and not get a little receipt.
Kelly O’Connell finally pries Stein off of Little Dragon, and raises his arms to the booing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein secures another win here tonight in Portland, we’ll see if The Anointed runs the table!
Open up at Hardkore headquarters, The Office, in Palm Springs, California. Cross Recoba is seated across from Judy Valentine Jr. in her cubicle of the open floor plan. She has a menagerie of miniature elephants on her desk, an elephant calendar, and coffee mug with an elephant that says “Until I’ve Had My Coffee, Everything You Say Is Irrelephant!”
Judy Valentine Jr.: Ok, again, I am sorry you had to come all the way over here to do this paperwork.
Cross Recoba: Couldn’t this be done through an email?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Ugh, my email doesn’t work anymore. I was downloading a lot of videos of different animals sleeping together like chickens and cats, and long story short, I gave the whole company a virus. That’s why Onyx Breakker was accidentally hired. So, let’s see. I see you listed your previous job as being CEO of Tap Out. Did you want to keep your old health insurance?
Cross Recoba: I suppose, yes.
Judy Valentine Jr.: That’s good because we don’t offer any. Just vision. Oh, I see Tap Out is in Las Vegas. Have you ever been?
Cross Recoba: I actually live…
Judy Valentine Jr.: I absolutely adore Las Vegas. I saw Blue Man Group last time I was there. Have you ever seen Blue Man Group.
Cross Recoba: Yes, they’ve got one on the city council.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Then Murray took me to a burlesque show. I didn’t know what burlesque meant, but it means they show the boobies.
Cross nods as there is an agonizing silence between the two of them. They both nod at one another, finally Cross breaks
Cross Recoba: So…you like elephants?
Judy Valentine Jr.: I hate em. Someone got me one once, and then someone saw that and bought me another. Now every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary everyone sees all these elephants on my desk and thinks what I need is another G.D. elephant. Why? Did you bring me one? If you brought me one, let’s just get it over with.
Cross Recoba: No, I…look is there something I need to sign?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hmm? Oh yeah. Just this thing from Hardkore Legal where you promise not to apply the Garibaldi's Guillotine on any more paying fans. Just initial here? And date it here?
An annoyed Cross quickly signs and leaves
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hon?
Cross Recoba stops
Judy Valentine Jr.: You forgot to date it.
Cross rolls his eyes and hurriedly scribbles the date on the paperwork
Judy Valentine Jr.: Thank you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up is a match between Tuxedo Mask and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Back in January, Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans put their Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the line in a ladder match in Las Vegas against “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “High Roller” Wesley Crane in The Anointed. Early on in the match, Disney’s Marty Donovan, disguised as a Hardkore Security guard took Tuxedo Mask out early, ramming him into the ringpost.
Phillip Blauer: We should have known it was a ruse by the fact that the security guard didn’t smell like free beer from concession.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux had to be stretchered out and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen gallantly took his place. Things were going well until Tux demanded to be inserted back in the match, but wasn’t 100% and was easy pickings for The Anointed to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. It’s stuck in Tux’s craw that Dirk took his place and he blames him for losing the belts, instead of himself for inserting himself back into the match.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Portland crowd roars as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen’s wife, Mickie Fury represented Hardkore World at the Battle of Los Angeles in a losing effort to Wrestle: UK’s “The Entity” Kristy Mascara. But she held her own, and did the company proud.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t lump me in with you. I’m not proud of her. I don’t dig losers. Every year, I follow the top teams in every sport until their first loss, and then I’m done with them. I spend a fortune in jerseys every year. I had to sell a kidney last year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Totally normal. But now Mickie’s husband looks to get the biggest win of his career here tonight in Portland. He doesn’t care what Tux has to say, because he still respects Tuxedo Mask for all he has done in his career, tonight, he just wants to have a good match and test himself against the best.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies in the crowd catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: With recent wins over Moondog Dook, Dana “The Drone” Daniels, and The Martian, Dirk van Thijmen is still looking for a victory that will put him in line for Kilroy Evans’ Hardkore West Coast Championship. A win here tonight might help that happen.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Oregon crowd gives Dirk a big pop
“Zero Space” by Kidneythieves plays and the fans cheer! Tuxedo Mask walks out to the and stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and encourage the audience’s cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask’s trainer, the former Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae has let him know this is a must win match for him.
Phillip Blauer: What can’t we call her Makoto Jupiter anymore? Did she get a cease and desist letter or something? Let me handle that, I get those all the time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure but it’s true that he lost to Cross Recoba in San Francisco and is hoping tonight is where he can get back on track. He harbors some ill will towards Dirk van Thijmen and even Kilroy Evans for how that all went down in Vegas and hopefully tonight he can get some closure on that whole situation and move on.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to a big pop from the audience
Phillip Blauer: Well if he has ill will against Kilroy, I can get behind that. I have the illest willest against him. I’ve even be told I be illin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just upset about losing the Hardkore World tag team titles, as well he should.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Tux slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match. Tux removes the tailcoat and mask.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Coming in at 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers Tux, who waves at the crowd
Tuxedo Mask vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
The match starts, and both men size each other up. Dirk looks ready to fight, but Tux looks unsure
Guillermo O’Bannon: They tie-up, but the stronger Dirk ”Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen throws Tux to the mat! Tux scrambles up, then they tie-up again.
Once more, Tux is thrown to the mat. Tux gets angry and quickly gets back on his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux quickly throws a punch that catches Dirk on the chin!
Dirk turns his head back to Tux with an angry expression on his face
Phillip Blauer: That is one angry Belgian.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux avoids payback by rushing to the ropes. Tux ducks another punch from Dirk, then hits the ropes again. Tux comes back with a dropkick to the knee that sends Dirk down!
Tux hits a standing senton to Dirk’s back. As Dirk gets up, Tux tries for a kick to the ribs, but Dirk catches his foot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen throws the foot up, and Tux backflips onto his feet!
Tux catches Dirk in a crucifix and tries for a pin, but Dirk fights it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk gains control and drops Tux to the mat with a samoan drop!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen pulls Tux up and hits a snap butterfly suplex, and then makes the cover.
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen pulls Tux up into a front facelock and then hits a swinging neckbreaker!
Tuxedo Mask sits up, holding the back of his neck as van Thijmen hits the ropes and then drops an elbow to Tux’s chest
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk picks up Tux’s left leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab!
The Portland crowd cheers as Tux screams in pain. Dirk van Thijmen sits down low, pulling back on his leg trying to hyperextend the knee. Tommy Milligan gets in position to see if Tuxedo Mask wants to tap out. Mickie Fury applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux drags himself to the ropes to get a break. Dirk releases as Tux crawls out onto the apron.
As Tux pulls himself up, Dirk rushes in, but Tux ducks a punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Dirk spins around, Tux catches his head and tries for a reverse suplex to the floor, but his leg gives out from the Boston Crab. As Dirk turns around, Tux slides between his legs. Dirk tries to catch up, but Tux takes him down with an arm drag.
Dirk gets up and is caught with another arm drag. Dirk staggers up one more time and Tux then hits a Japanese arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk picks himself up in the corner but Tux handsprings into into an elbow smash against the turnbuckles!
The audience pops! Dirk falls to his ass, and Tux sees an opportunity. He rushes away from the corner, turns around, hits a cartwheel handspring, then hits a broncobuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxbuster!
Tommy Milligan forces Tux out of the corner. He rushes to the opposite corner and jumps up on the middle rope to play to the fans. As Tux hops down, Dirk is back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rushes in, but Dirk ducks. He throws Tux up, but Tux uses the momentum to hop up to the top rope!
As Dirk turns around, Tux jumps onto his shoulders looking for a hurricanrana, but Dirk is able to stay standing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen shoves Tux down into the turnbuckles!! Tux bounces out, then Dirk hits an airplane spin!
Phillip Blauer: Look at him go round and round, it’s been ages since I’ve seen a good airplane spin. It used to be in the newsreels before I would watch a good talkie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, that would…van Thijmen finally slams Tux down to the mat.
Dirk backs up and waits for Tux to rise. As Tux rises, Dirk rushes and grabs his legs for a wheelbarrow. However, Tux holds onto the ropes and Dirk crashes to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rushes to the top and hits a corkscrew moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls him up by the hair but van Thijmen punches him in the stomach. He rocks him with a few european uppercuts, then takes him out with a tornado kick!
The audience cheers and Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes off with a flying double ax handle but Tux avoids it and hits a saito suplex from behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxplex ‘99!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux now climbs to the top turnbuckle, and points to Mickie Fury.
Phillip Blauer: Like Babe Ruth, he’s calling his shot, ring rat wise.
Mickie Fury shakes her head, no, as Tux starts gyrating on the top rope, pumping his hips
Phillip Blauer: It’s almost hypnotic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Tux is saying that van Thijmen cost him the Hardkore World tag team titles, and now he’s going to take the Glorious Wolf’s wife from him.
Phillip Blauer: Seems fair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen climbs to the second rope and starts smashing Tux with punches and elbows!
The fans cheer wildly as an enranged van Thijmen batters Tuxedo Mask as he’s perched on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of sheer desperation, Tuxedo Mask kicks van Thijmen low! He butterflies Dirk’s arms and then flips over top with his double underhook sunset bomb!! Moonlight Waltz!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask rolls over with one hand raised. “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Tux stands up and soaks in the adulation of the fans
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 40 seconds; The WINNER OF THE MATCH…TUXEDO MASK!!!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask was in some trouble there, but did what he had to do to get the W.
Tuxedo Mask asks Tommy Milligan for a pen, and his drivers license. He turns it over and writes his phone number down on the license and hands it to Mickie Fury
Phillip Blauer: Smart. That thing hasn’t worked since Tommy got his 5th DUI in 2014.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury tosses Tommy’s license into the crowd, and Dirk van Thijmen stands up and tosses Tux over the top rope!
Tuxedo Mask gets up and dusts himself off, putting his hands up as if he meant no harm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask poking the bear there by hitting on the wife of a jealous man.
Phillip Blauer: I feel the same way about the guy in Dorothy’s Catatonic Support Group. The way he just stares at her. (makes a fist) Why if he wasn’t almost already dead, I’d kill him.
The scene opens inside the sea of Hardkore World fans! Kevin Valentine Jr. has approached another member of the audience. This audience member just so happens to be the Face of the Franchise and the XHF Hardcore Champion; Steve Awesome!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Tonight we have a special guest in the audience. Two time XCrown Champion, Steve Awesome!! What brings you to a HardKore Wrestling event?
Steve smirks and pats his new Hardcore Championship.
Steve Awesome: Just checking out the competition.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Ooh who exactly are you checking out? The Shiek? Wesley Crane? Kilroy?”
Steve shakes his head.
Steve Awesome: I’m here to scout the pretender to my throne. Marty Donavon. Since I am the Hardcore Champion of the world, I figured I outta start the process of taking out the so-called HardKore World Champion!
The crowd pop and murmur to themselves at the idea of such a match.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: OOH! Are you saying you are hear to challenge Marty Donavon!?
Steve smirks and pats his XHF title.
Steve Awesome: I’m just saying, Marty Donavon better be watching his back tonight!
Steve gives an evil smirk.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Well back to you!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Kevin. Wow! XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome is here tonight with a message for Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: I’m just glad Kevin didn’t lose an interview to another cat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now fans, it’s time for the big Wrestle: UK Television title match between Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts. The Sooner Squeeze vs. The Garibaldi’s Guillotine. It all started back in January in Reno, when Cross Recoba brought attorneys down to the ring to observe Kalmin Watts’ Sooner Squeeze Challenge that he did for charity, and look for similarities to his similar challenge with The Garibaldi’s Guillotine. In San Francisco, Kalmin Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan distracted Cross Recoba causing his match with Tuxedo Mask to go to a double countout. Later in the evening, Cross interrupted The Sooner Squeeze Challenge, and challenged him to see who could get a member of The Dutch Express to tap out first. When it looked as though Cross wouldn’t prevail, he jumped Kalmin Watts from behind. In Oakland, both men finished their opponents with their respective submission holds as a message to the other.
Phillip Blauer: Did you see what Cross did to that poor out of shape has been, Hurricane? Most amusing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now these two face off in the ring for the first time.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The crowd cheers as Kalmin Watts, wearing his WUK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two undefeated wrestlers walk into this match, one will leave with their first loss in Hardkore World. Cross Recoba’s legal team got an injunction to get The Sooner Squeeze Challenge suspended until a judge can determine if Kalmin Watts stole any trademarks. Kalmin Watts appeared on Marty Donovan’s podcast, The Sun Room a couple weeks ago to talk about it.
Phillip Blauer: And if anyone would like to advertise on The Sun Room, we still have plenty of spots next to fine sponsors like GrowTech, the penis enlarging gummy taken once a day. If results work too well, GrowTech advises you to decrease the dosage.
Kalmin Watts slaps hands with the fans and he walks down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s it made out of?
Phillip Blauer: Sun dried snow leopard spleen. And you gotta club em young. The cuter they are the better it works. It’s the damnedest thing.
Yolanda Ando: Ew. Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. And, sorry. Cross Recoba could have come up to Kalmin Watts and discussed this like men but Recoba had to take legal action, and then attack him. Watts says Cross has him all wrong, trying to paint him as a bunch of things all at once.
Anthony Jordan holds open the ropes for Kalmin Watts who stoops in and then raises his arms to the roar of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: I can relate. I get accused of things all the time, but I didn’t shoot Archduke Ferdinand, plus we had squashed our beef years prior. Sure, I didn’t like his stance on the Boxer Rebellion, but who did?
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the WRESTLE UK TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Oregon crowd roars as Watts pumps his fist
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Veterans Memorial Coliseum as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot of the High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title draped over his shoulder as the boos rain down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tapout CEO Cross Recoba has tried to drive a wedge between Kalmin Watts and his manager, Anthony Jordan; pointing to the heat being on him, instead of his client.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Phillip Blauer: That poor dumb oaf needs someone to look out for him. It’s not gonna be that leach, Tony Jordan, I’ll tell you that. The only difference between Tony Jordan and a pimp is Tony can’t dress.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has accused Kalmin Watts of not having the guts to do what’s needed in this business.
Cross holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin. Did you see all that free grub his lawyers got? That’s what I’m talking about. Everything on that table was ethically dubious, all obtained in unthinkable ways. That’s when you know food is good. When you shudder to think where it came from.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Cross has tried to get in the head of the younger Kalmin Watts all month, trying to psyche him out for tonight here in Portland. We’ll see if it has worked.
He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hoping he can use a win tonight to make his case for a title shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: And he better well get one or…woah. Say what now?
Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion…’THE FOX’ CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos as Cross Recoba sneers at them
Kalmin Watts vs. Cross Recoba
Richie Richardson brings both men into the center of the ring and lays down what he expects of the two competitors, mostly through mumbles, half sentences, and looking at his shoes. Watts nods on with full understanding and surprisingly so does Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, shut up, Richie.
Happy that his wishes have been understood, Richie Richardson sends the men to their corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross takes two steps towards his corner before turning and dashing to pearl harbor Watts with a lifting knee that sends him into the turnbuckle!
Cross keeps on top with stomps to Watts’ chest of his opponent before bringing him up by the arm and going for an irish whip
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts reverses it into an arm drag and keeps the arm.
Thinking quickly, Recoba works back to his feet and twists under and this time he delivers an arm drag that he keeps hold of to bar the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: The collegiate wrestler wastes no time in going back to his competition days and scoots round the back into a waistlock that he uses to take Cross back down to the mat before pivoting to grab a front facelock in a north/south position.
Phillip Blauer: Not sure how wise that is. This country was once torn asunder by the taking a north/south position. Asunder, I say.
Recoba pushes up and Watts seems to allow him back to his feet, still in the front-facelock but the Fox grabs an arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba works Watts’ away from his neck and into a standing side armbar. Cross leans his weight onto his tiptoes to try and exert more pressure but the position is held only momentarily before the Oklahoma U graduate powers his way to a side-headlock that takes Recoba back down to the mat.
Cross rolls him over for a pin but before Richie Richardson can drop for the count, Kalmin has rolled it back to his advantage and quickly moves his legs for the body-scissors but Recoba moves his hands to block.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts returns to the headlock and pulls Cross back to his feet. Using his arms to try and find a gap, Cross comes up empty-handed and changes tact, pushing to the ropes and planting a foot between the middle and bottom rope to get the break.
A mild applause breaks out from the Portland crowd at the amateur display thus far. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera shows both men smiling as if they have the other’s number
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts signals that he wants to engage with Cross in a lock-up and Recoba raises his arms. They step to engage…Recoba ducks out.
Cross shrugs at Watts and raises his arms for another lock-up, but again he ducks under as the Portland crowd boo the show of cowardice. Ignoring the fans, Recoba steps towards Watts and again looks to engage him in a lock-up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slaps the guardless face of Watts!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!” Cross chuckles to himself and motions for Watts to come bring it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The dual-varsity athlete rushes to him but eats a drop-toe hold. Quickly, Cross scoots out the ring and again open handed slaps Kalmin Watts!
Cross makes a beeline for the opposite turnbuckle before leaping onto the apron and through the ropes with faux innocence painted on his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once more the Illinois native beckons Watts forward. Kalmin charges and Recoba tries to leapfrog him, but Watts catches him and drops him with an inverted atomic drop!
The audience cheers as Cross’ legs cross. Staying on the offense, a clubbing forearm from Watts connects with the back of the doubled-over Tap Out owner that drops him to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets back up but again another huge forearm drives into the lower spine of the Fox. Watts grabs the head of Recoba who reaches up and briefly gets a handful of Kalmin’s hair until a knee to the ribs cuts him off. The Pride of Oklahoma throws an arm over his shoulder and lifts…
Watts leaves him to hang in the air as he circles around to cheers! His huge stalling suplex brings Cross back to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wasting no time, Kalmin stays on his opponent. He again lifts him to his feet by his head and drives a forearm into the back of the Vegas resident, and then a pendulum backbreaker finds its mark! Remembering the cheap shot that Recoba hit at the start of the match, Watts pushes down to bend the body of Cross over his knee and soften up the area for later on.
Lifting up the head of his opponent, Watts connects with a snug forearm to the side of the head that puts Recoba on his back.Watts uses his arm to hoist him to a vertical-base and keeps hold of it as a way to whip the Sicilian-American into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts follows up with a huge elbow that staggers Recoba from the corner. Recoba stumbles backwards into a back suplex.
Anthony Jordan can be heard from the outside calling to keep up the pace. Watts obliges willingly as he puts one arm round the shoulder to the chest of Cross and the other through his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Recoba up into a ribbreaker and then shows tremendous power to throw him backwards with a suplex!
Rolling to his feet, Kalmin looks to cover but Cross has carried on rolling to the outside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. mistakenly cuts from the prone body of Recoba to a weird crowd shot of two guys looking at their phone to Kalmin who is now peering over the ropes and debating his options
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba begins to stir and uses the ring apron to get to his feet. He looks up to see Watts staring him down and breaks into a jog to get distance. He rounds the turnbuckle and leaps to the apron where Richie Richardson and Watts are already there.
The Tap Out Owner protests to Richie that he’s been stopped from re-entering. Watts uses the top rope to slingshot Cross back into the squared circle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Through a mix of instinct and outrage, Cross gets to his feet but Watts comes from behind with a huge release german suplex!
The Portland crowd aren’t shy to show what they want, chanting “SOO-NER SQUEEZE! SOO-NER SQUEEZE! SOO-NER SQUEEZE!”
Phillip Blauer: Are they saying Nooner Sneeze?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: No, that’s not it.
Patiently, Watts waits for his opponent to start his rise back to his feet. Cross pushes himself up unsteadily with his hands and places a shaky foot down that does nothing to maintain his balance confidently.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in but Recoba side steps the tackle and sends the Oklahoma Football scholar shoulder first into the ring post!!
The Portland crowd boos loudly. Looking like he was playing possum in part, Cross uses the singlet of Watts to pull him from the corner and wraps a sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba hits a sleeper suplex he calls The Network Special!!
Watts starts to sit-up but Recoba rushes him with a leaping European Uppercut to the seated wrestler.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lifting up Kalmin with a front facelock, Recoba twists him into a hangman’s neckbreaker to continue his assault on the neck of Watts!
Cross wastes no time in lifting Watts back to his feet, driving pointed elbows into the nape of his opponent’s neck as he does so
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross delivers one more driving elbow to keep Watts hunched and applies an abdominal stretch.
Cross Recoba sticks his foot and pulls back on Watts’ trapped arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Portland fans start to boo vociferously as Recoba grabs the top rope to get extra leverage.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if Portland fans know how to do that.
Anthony Jordan: Check the rope!!
Richie Richardson seemingly doesn’t hear the objections as he continues to check on Kalmin to see if the Oklahoma wrestler wants to throw in the towel
Anthony Jordan: The rope!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time his appeal is heard and the referee spots Cross’ arm on the ropes and begins the count.
Phillip Blauer: The boy’s hearing isn’t all that great. I saw him at Jonnie’s birthday party and started talking to him and the poor lad could barely hear a thing I was saying, so he didn’t know to look up from his phone when an elder is talking to him. Very sad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Before Richie gets to five, Cross has Watts’ head between his legs ready to lift him into Garibaldi’s Guillotine, but Watts backdrops him to the delight of the crowd!
The fans cheer wildly! Kalmin goes to pick up Cross but Recoba rakes Watts’ eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba throws Kalmin Watts through the ropes to the outside! Recoba hits the ropes, and leaps over the top rope to hit Watts with a Million Lira Dropkick!!
The cheers turn to jeers. Cross rolls to his feet and drags Kalmin onto the apron and lifts him up. He grabs him in a cravate and flips up and over into a shirunai sitout DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Staten Island Drop on the floor!!
The Tap Out Owner rolls Watts into the ring and climbs through the ropes. With effort, Watts is pulled to his feet. Cross scoops him up into a tombstone position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts manages to reverse the tombstone and places Cross on his shoulder for a running powerslam position. He breaks into a run but Recoba drops down the back and pushes him into the turnbuckle! Saito suplex as Watts staggers out of the corner!
The crowd boos and then starts chanting “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” The Fox stays on Watts and hooks his arms around those of his opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba applies a butterfly lock! Recoba struggles to get the lock on the larger man, Kalmin fighting for every inch he can.
The jeers get louder and chant starts of “LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* LET’S GO KALMIN!! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts powers out and lifts up Recova and charges him into the corner! Recoba staggers out of the corner and into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaving his opponent no time to wonder what just happened, Kalmin picks him and drills his head into the mat with a Memphis style piledriver!!
The Portland crowd let out a huge pop! Watts goes for the cover but Cross has rolled out of the ring
Phillip Blauer: A fireball can’t be too far behind.
The cameras show Cross lying on his back taking in as much oxygen as he can.Kalmin goes towards the ropes to step outside but his manager has beaten him to it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan rolls Cross back into the ring, and Watts makes the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Thr-Cross limply gets a shoulder off the mat!
Kalmin Watts keeps up the tempo and forces Cross up before whipping him to the ropes and dropping to a knee, the crowd know the Hammer is coming
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cuts him off with a knee, and a leg feed enzuigiri takes him down!
The audience lets out another “OH!” An urgent Recoba runs to the corner and gets to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pulls him down with a gutbuster delivered at full force! Watts once more pulls Cross up, but a low blow stops Kalmin’s advantage!
Tucking Watts’ head between his legs, Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. shows a dazed smile on Recoba’s face as he tries to lift Watts into Garibaldi’s Guillotine
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Cross over his shoulder into an inverted neckbreaker!
The fans come to life! Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron. Keeping on the back of his opponent, Watts scoops Cross into an Argentine backbreaker but he slips down the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts turns around and ducks the clothesline, Recoba hits the ropes but the Oklahoma Hammer connects!!
The crowd leaps to their feet as Kalmin leaps and tries to get a bodyscissors on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recova staggers towards the ropes and takes out Richie Richardson!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he just got a ton of heat with his mom, Judy Valen-...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on.
Rolling out of the ring, Cross goes under the apron and pulls out a chair. Inside the ring, Kalmin Watts tries to shake Richie awake
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan looks to confront him but Cross swings it in his direction to get space and gets back in the ring. Kalmin Watts stops trying to rouse Richie Richardson and turns in time for Cross to lay the chair into his back!!
Watts drops to a knee, the anger on his face clear for all to see. Recoba throws him the chair as Richie Richardson starts to get up and drops to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, Richie is disqualifying Kalmin Watts?? Richie, no!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the Portland crowd is furious as Richie Richardson lifts up a feigning dazed Recoba and raises his arms
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AS THE RESULT OF A DISQUALIFICATION?”
Richie nods and Greg shrugs
Greg Jin: “CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Phillip Blauer: I thought his Uncle Jon-...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh!
Phillip Blauer:(rolls his eyes) I thought his Boss Jonnie told him to stop disqualifying people?
Anthony Jordan is in Richie Richardson’s face as Cross wisely backs out of the confrontation
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know, but what I do know is this feud is far from finished.
Cross Recoba laughs as he backs away from the ring, with Kalmin Watts inviting him back to the ring to hit him with a chair again
Fade backstage to Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. who is standing with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan against the Hardkore World background
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Hello fans and I am standing here with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan who has a match tonight against The Sheik. Now Marty, you say that The Sheik is not medically cleared for tonight’s…
MEOW?
Kevin Valentine rolls his eyes. Marty gets a quisical look. They look down and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to their feet where a cat is standing in between Kevin and Marty
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Jackie? Can we please get this stupid cat out of here?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: (scoffs) I don’t fear The Sheik.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: This is ridiculous. The cat is not doing the interview, I am. My Uncle Jonnie gave me this job, not the cat. So anyway, Marty…do you…(pulls on his collar) What time is the match, you think?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: (sputters) How…dare…you! I am the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and I will be treated with respect!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Yeah, shut up cat. So, in closing, I’m gonna bring it home here.. Are you going to win and junk?
Purrman Melville: Meow?
Marty Donovan: If Oregon didn’t have such draconian animal cruelty rules I would stomp your little kitty head.
Marty stomps off and Kevin gives Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. the cut sign
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Seriously, this cat is overstepping numerous boundaries right now…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts out of the interview abruptly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our big Hardkore West Coast title match between the new champion Kilroy Evans and “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: This is the real main event for me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because someone in The Anointed is in it?
Phillip Blauer: No, because I was hoping to skeedaddle after this. These cold wet temperatures are murder on my eye work, babe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil. You have to stay for the whole show. That’s why we don’t give you your check until after the credits roll.
Phillip Blauer: I see, and has my name been corrected from Phil Blower in those credits?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. hasn’t gotten around to it yet.
"I'm So Paid" by Akon plays and The Chase Center lights turn plum purple. The house lights begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid”
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them!
One of them y'all see! I'm so paid”
Phillip Blauer: I know all the words to this song, but Wes told me not to say them out loud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Good choice. Wesley Crane and Marty Donovan took each other to the limit in San Francisco, which earned him this shot at Kilroy Evans and his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder and the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist to loud boos from the Portland fans. His bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein stands behind him with his arms crossed and a bandage over his head from his earlier match with Little Dragon
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane won the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Championship from Billy Fowler and hopes to add the Hardkore West Coast Championship to his belt collection here tonight.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone. He lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane is the new thing, man. Kilroy is a pay phone, Wesley is a camera phone that you can receive your electronic mails on.
Dan Stein clears a path through the fans leaning over trying to touch them and throw trash. Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane definitely in the ring with one of the biggest challenges of his career. He went to see his mentor, Timmy Draven for advice because Kilroy Evans is the best brawler Hardkore World has seen, with a taste for violence that is unmatched in our long history.
Phillip Blauer: I asked to come with, but I was told to hang back for this one because I’m “genuinely off-putting”. Which is true, I haven’t had any pudding since I started keto.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane
Once he’s at ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring. Once inside he stands in the center of the ring and holds his two title belts up as the crowd jeers. Dan Stein stands in the ring, expressionless.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS and The WRESTLE: UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
A huge round of boos from the Oregon crowd
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and Kilroy walks out to a thunderous ovation from the Veterans Memorial Coliseum. He walks to the ring at a relaxed pace and slaps hands with a fan wearing a Why So Serious? T-shirt with Kilroy and Poke the Clown on it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy was in Portland was in April of 2010 when he teamed with Poke the Clown in an unsuccessful attempt to win the Hardkore America Tag Team titles from The Dark Riders.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, The Shiro boys. That was a whole thing.
Kilroy slaps the fans hands as he walks down to the ring and points to the “Wesley Lame” sign someone is holding
Guillermo O’Bannon: And the last time Kilroy was Hardkore West Coast Champion, he held that title for 17 months and 10 days. Who knows how long he’ll hold it this time, but first he has to get past the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Champion “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a black Pee Wee’s Alamo Basement Tour t-shirt with sneakers and jeans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kilroy started up a Twitch channel this month…
Phillip Blauer: I hope Jonnie does the right thing and starts shutting down all these endeavors like Kilroy’s Twitch…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s podcast?
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) I’m pretty sure Kilroy’s little computer game show isn’t moving the units of mail order meat that Marty’s top rated podcast is. Remember, that’s Marty’s Meat Sack! “Meat For Guys For A Change”. Type in “Blau Dog” at check out for 30% off a package of frankfurters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Francisco, Kilroy defeated Eron Hunter in an excellent scientific encounter with a man he was acquainted with. This will be a much different kind of match against a man he has tangled with before in his feud with The Anointed, so I expect some fireworks early.
Phillip Blauer: I would hope not with the wildfires around here.
Kilroy greets Greg Jin and Kelly O’Connell and then locks eyes with Wesley Crane, barely blinking as he stares at him
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, blink damn you, blink! Wes! Look away! Avert your eyes, lest you be sucked into the void of non-stop cravings of free sausage samples at the Piggly Wigglies!
Wes nods his head and looks away, loosening the ropes as Dan Stein gives him some advice in his ear
Greg Jin: “And his opponent comes from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; He is The Attbury Assassin; THE HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The biggest pop of the night as Kilroy lightly raises his arm while still staring down Wesley Crane
Kilroy Evans vs. "The High Roller" Wesley Crane
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Wesley Crane gets the better and forces Kilroy into the ropes. Kelly O’Connell calls for a break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans locks his arms and headbutts him in the face repeatedly. Crane returns fire with some right hands.
Kilroy Evans scoops Crane up and drops him on his knee with a shoulderbreaker. Wesley stumbles only to walk into a snapmare
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gut wrench suplexes Crane, and The High Roller high tails it out of the ring!
The Portland crowd goes wild and Wesley Crane kicks the railing in frustration. “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes over to calm him down
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane cannot let this man get in his head. He’s like a deer tick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In what sense?
Phillip Blauer: Steer clear of the woods if you want to avoid him.
Dan Stein whispers something into Wesley Crane’s ear and he nods before getting up on the apron. He instructs Kelly O’Connell to keep Kilroy back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane back in the ring now. He angrily charges but the 20+ year veteran takes him down with a drop toehold. He pulls Crane to his feet in a full nelson, but Crane drops to his knees, shooting the top of his head into Kilroy’s face.
The cheers turn to jeers and Crane catches Kilroy with a couple jumping knees to the face, and then irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane charges in with a running european uppercut that absolutely rocks Kilroy Evans! He shoots him to an opposite corner and then does it again!
Wesley Crane punches and kicks Kilroy in the corner, softening him up. He irish whips Kilroy into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane with another running european uppercut but this time Kilroy is waiting for him with a roundhouse kick! Kilroy sits him up and applies a stump puller.
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum cheers as Kilroy Evans pulls up on Crane’s ankles, putting extreme pressure on the back of his neck. Dan Stein shouts encouragement from the outside as Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if he wants to quit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In 2007, Kilroy was in Portland as a special referee in a match between his frequent tag team partner Andrew Karnage and our current Hardkore World Heavyweight Match Disney’s Marty Donovan, in which Karnage was the victor.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, in a match with his partner as the referee? Who’d a thunk it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy continuing to wear down Crane’s neck for that Bad Touch diamond cutter of his with that stump puller.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Wesley Crane up into a suplex, but Crane floats over and lifts him up into a suplex of his own, and then down into a brainbuster!
The audience boos as Crane sits up with a cocky smile on his face. Dan Stein applauds on the outside
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy just rolled snake eyes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane gets on top of him, and bludgeons Kilroy with a flurry of punches!
The boos get louder while Kelly O’Connell tries to intervene. Crane finally stops and then stomps Kilroy’s leg for good measure, then walks around the ring, pointing at his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to get to his feet, but Crane kicks him over. He pulls Kilroy up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. Crane threads Kilroy’s leg through the top and second rope, then backs up. He comes in charging with a knee to his Kilroy’s outstretched leg.
Kilroy Evans bends over in pain, and Wesley Crane double arm DDTs his head into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane irish whips Kilroy into the ropes, dips down for a backdrop, but Kilroy double underhooks his arms and drops Wesley’s face onto his knee!!
Wesley Crane shoots up from the impact, and Kilroy hooks him up into a suplex, but drops him on his head with a brainbuster
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans applies a triangle choke! He pulls back on Wesley’s arm, while creating a vice with that head scissors!
The Portland fans roar! Wesley Crane scoots up on his knees, while Kilroy rows back on his trapped arm. Dan Stein yells encouragement from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Wesley Crane wants to tap out. Kilroy Evans has successfully defended a title here in Portland before. In 2006, he won a brutal match against "The Saikyo Terrorist" Tatsuya Arakawa to retain the Hardkore America Championship.
Wesley Crane refuses to tap out and begins hammering away on Kilroy with his free arm. After repeated blows, Kilroy is forced to release the triangle choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Kilroy up and punches him between the eyes. He grabs him by the hair and violently throws him over the top rope to the floor below!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Kilroy Evans awkwardly hitting the steel guardrail on the way down. The boos rock the arena
Phillip Blauer: We welcome your hatred.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane goes out there after Kilroy and smashes his face into the apron!
Wesley Crane lays into Kilroy, with The Attbury Assassin firing back with right hands of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has turned into a fist fight on the outside! Crane rocks Kilroy with a european uppercut that knocks him into the railing.
A fan yells “You Suck Wes!” as Wesley Crane running knees Kilroy Evans into the guardrail! Kilroy crumples to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane kicks and stomps Kilroy against that security rail. He backs up and charges with a spear, but Kilroy catches him with a belly to belly suplex over the railing into the crowd!!
The Oregon audience pops and then starts chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as a bewildered Wesley Crane lies out in the front row
Phillip Blauer: Looks like he smashed a vegan meatloaf someone brought from home.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy climbs over the railing and starts slugging a backpedaling Wesley Crane.
A large bearded fan hands Kilroy a chair, and Kilroy thanks him. He sets it up on the floor and then ties up his legs with Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans inverted russian leg sweeps Crane’s face into the seat of that chair out in the third row!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh come on, Kelly! Get control of this, it’s deteriorating into anarchy!
Wesley Crane rolls over and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine gets a close up of the laceration over his eye
Phillip Blauer: That’s not good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans headlocks Wesley Crane and then running bulldogs Crane’s throat on to the back of that chair!!
The crowd cheers as a bleeding Crane rolls around on the floor, clutching his throat. Kilroy Evans puts the boots to him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pulls Wesley Crane up to his feet while pounding on his back with forearms. He lifts him up onto a spinebuster but Crane reverses it into a tornado DDT on the concrete!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Kilroy Evans lies motionless for a few moments. Wesley Crane lies next to him, trying to catch his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now bleeding as well.
Phillip Blauer: The strongest evidence to date so far that prayer works.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane rakes his bootlaces across the cut of Kilroy Evans, trying to rip it open wider!
Kilroy pushes him away and then covers his forehead as blood leaks through his fingers. Wesley Crane pulls him up to his feet and hits him with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane smashes Kilroy’s head into the guardrail!
Kilroy Evans’ head rocks back from the impact. Crane grabs him around the neck and exploder suplexes him over the railing into the ringside area
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane jumps over the railing with a knee to Kilroy’s head!
The Portland fans boo loudly as a busted open Crane recovers against the railing. He finally gets to his feet and irish whips him but Kilroy reverses it, pulling him in with a shortarm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands With Danger! Kilroy Evans now biting the bloody forehead of Wesley Crane!
The cheers are deafening as Wesley Crane screams in pain. Kelly O’Connell tries to separate the two and is finally successful. Crane staggers around, with blood getting in his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets a running start and spears Wesley Crane into the railing!!
The audience lets out another big “OH!! At the sound of Crane’s body crashing against the guardrail. They start chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as Kilroy Evans crawls over towards Wesley Crane who is in a heap against the security rail
Guillermo O’Bannon: A crimson masked Kilroy rolls Wesley Crane back into the ring and then follows him in. He pulls him up into a front facelock, but Crane lifts him into a fireman’s carry. The High Roller runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane stomps Evans’ chest. He pulls him up into a suplex that he transitions into a brainbuster!
Wesley Crane rolls his hips and pulls Kilroy back up to his feet and into a second brainbuster! The Oregon crowd boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane rolls him back up into a third and final brainbuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane gives Kilroy Evans’ legs a few kicks, and then applies a dragon sleeper! He locks his hands together and peels back on Kilroy’s head, bending his neck back at a painful angle.
The jeers are deafening. Blood drips down Wesley Crane’s face as Kelly O’Connell asks Kilroy Evans if he wants to submit. Dan Stein keeps yelling at Kelly that Kilroy had already given up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane drops back into an on the mat version of the dragon sleeper, with a bodyscissors as well. The Hardkore West Coast Championship has changed hands twice in Portland, going back 30 y,ears when The Assassin upset Big Brute ACE in 1993. Then again 14 years later when Roscoe Law defeated the late Lonewolf Eric McNeely in 2007.
Phillip Blauer: 16 years later, it’s going to happen again. Portland is due.
Wesley Crane rolls back on Kilroy’s head and neck, while clamping down on his ribs with a leg scissors. Finally, Evans reaches back and scratches Crane’s cut over his eye until he releases the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane pulls him up to his feet, but Kilroy drops down into a jawbreaker!
When Wesley Crane’s legs fly up, Kilroy Evans catches them and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf as the crowd erupts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jawsome! Evans plants his feet and pulls back on Crane’s twisted legs. Kilroy Evans is a bloody mess as he pulls Wesley Crane’s legs towards his head, leaning back as far as he can.
Dan Stein tells Wesley Crane to hold on as The High Roller blood drips into a pool on the canvas underneath his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane finally crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the bottom rope.
Kelly O’Connell taps Kilroy’s shoulder and he releases the cloverleaf, raising his hands, thinking he won
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy thinks this match is over.
Phillip Blauer: He really is a dumb animal, isn’t he?
Kilroy goes through the ropes to the outside and grabs a chair, sliding it into the ring. He rolls in after it and sets the chair up in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Wesley Crane into a swinging neckbreaker where the back of his head hits the back of that standing chair!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a nearly sympathetic “OH!” as Crane holds the back of his head, dazed and bloody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans finally back on his feet, and scoops Crane up, but Wesley floats over into a rear waistlock, and snaps back into a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane motions for Kilroy Evans to get to his feet and then takes him out of his boots with a spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans lifts his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane wipes the blood out of his eyes, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off, coming crashing down with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane pulls him into the corner and slugs him a few times. He climbs to the second turnbuckle, grabbing Evans in a front facelock and jumps off into a tornado DDT but Kilroy reverses it into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Kilroy Evans applies a Make You Humble camel clutch! He laces his fingers underneath Crane’s chin, and sits on the small of his back, rocking back with Wesley’s head and neck!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The fans are on their feet! Kelly O’Connell checks in but isn’t getting much of an answer from Wesley Crane. Kilroy wrenches back on his head some more
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell lifts Crane’s arm and he keeps it up! Kilroy pulls Wesley’s head back and sinks his teeth into that jagged cut over his eye!!
The Portland crowd roars as Crane screams in pain. Kelly O’Connell unsuccessfully tries to peel Kilroy off of Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gives him some sharp punches to open up the cut a little more. Kilroy pulls Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a pulling piledriver, leaving a blood stain on the mat!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Phew!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy waits behind Crane, waiting for him to get up. When he does, Kilroy charges in and Piggybacks on his back, but Crane drops down, hotshotting Kilroy’s throat on the top rope!
The air goes out of the Veterans Memorial Coliseum as a blood drenched Kilroy staggers around, clutching his throat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane superkicks him upside the head!
The Oregon fans boo as Wesley Crane wipes the blood out of his eyes, trying to catches his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane rushes in for In The Face, but Kilroy catches him with The Bad Touch diamond cutter out of nowhere!!
Phillip Blauer: NO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan stomps on the back of Kilroy’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: What??
Phillip Blauer: Oh, thank god. (clutches his chest) My heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a travesty! Get him out of here!
Kelly O’Connell tries to force Marty out of the ring, but he’s stomping Kilroy. “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes in and joins in on stomping and kicking the champ
Phillip Blauer: I should get in there…I like a good ole fashioned stomping party.
Phil starts to get up but the crowd erupts as Tuxedo Mask runs to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask here to even the odds!
Phillip Blauer: (sinks into his chair) Party pooper.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux on the top rope and Dan Stein and Marty Donovan knows what comes after that so they head for the hills!
Phillip Blauer: This is blatant interference!
Tuxedo Mask corkscrew 450 splashes Kilroy Evans and shocks the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? Why…why would…
Phillip Blauer: Who cares? Cover him Wes!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos and throws trash as Tuxedo Mask rolls Wesley Crane on top of Kilroy and points at Kelly O’Connell to count it
Guillermo O’Bannon: No! Why would he do this? They’ve been friends for over twenty years!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“I’m So Paid’ by Akon plays and the garbage continues to get tossed into the ring. Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and is pelted with beer cups and signs as he escapes to the back
Phillip Blauer: Yes! We did it! We own all the gold in Hardkore World!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really hate this. This is bad.
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes, 22 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
Now that it’s safe, an incredulous Dan Stein and Marty Donovan join Wesley Crane in the ring to present him with his Hardkore West Coast Championship. The bloodsoaked Wesley Crane labors to get to his feet, and then holds the title belt in the air as the jeers rain down on him
Phillip Blauer: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane has become a triple champion! He’s a champion of the West Coast, England, and all the tag teams in the World!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would Tuxedo Mask do this? Why would he throw away a decades long friendship with Kilroy Evans?
Phillip Blauer: I would have done it in a hamster’s heartbeat. Read the room, Ginseng. No one wants to talk about the friendless former champ, they want to talk about the brand new West Coast Champion, and look at all the friends he has! See the difference? Friends. No friends. Friends. No friends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was disgusting. I can’t believe what I just watched. They once stood together to fight The Anointed, and tonight, Tuxedo Mask hand delivered Kilroy to The Anointed.
Dan Stein holds Wesley Crane up on his shoulders as Marty Donovan straps the Hardkore West Coast Championship around his waist. Trash continues to fly into the ring. A full soda cup hits Dan Stein’s back, and Stein turns around to see who threw it. The audience parts like the Red Sea and points to the culprit, who turns and runs
Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling
Fans, Hardkore World isn’t the only game in town in greater Palm Springs, don’t forget there’s also:
Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling!
That’s right at the Palm Springs VFW this weekend we’ve got, great PSOW action including:
For the PSOW Championship
WWE’s own Hurricane vs. Dutch Boy
Suikerbossie vs. Dana “The Drone” Daniels
The Martian vs. Randy Candy
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse vs. Scorpion
General Admission is $3! Front row is $1 because you will be sprayed with fluorescent light bulb glass and you will be assaulted during most moves on the outside
Stay after the event where we will be having autograph signings, and you could win the chance to drive a PSOW Superstar home!
Fade back on Guillermo and Phil at ringside. Phil is dressed as Spock from Star Trek. The ringside fans looked shocked. Several are getting their stuff to leave
Phillip Blauer: I’m thinking of putting in an application at that PSOW. Want me to put in a good word for you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, their last main event ended when they arrested one of the guys in the ring for back child support. And Phil, next time you’re going to change into something, can you do it in the locker room and not just get changed here at ringside? Or at the very least wear underwear?
Phillip Blauer: I’m not allowed in the locker room. God, the rules they have back there are so archaic. You have to shake everyone’s hand, no pooping in the urinals. It’s like “Guys, it’s not like the 40s when we were kids anymore.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: We?? And why are you dressed like Spock?
Phillip Blauer: That will reveal itself very soon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose) I honestly don’t care. But anyway, coming up fans is our main event, Disney’s Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, begrudgingly, against former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: What’s with the sass there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well it appears that Marty is deathly afraid of The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Hogwash. The man is just a realist. Is one “afraid” of swimming with great white sharks? Is someone “afraid” of going into a bear’s cave?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would say so, yes.
Phillip Blauer: Fine, if we want to call that “afraid”, then sure, Marty has ‘tactically soiled himself” a few times at The Sheik’s mention.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Veterans Memorial Coliseum is a mix of boos and cheers as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with his cane with The Sheik
Phillip Blauer: This man should not be here. Anyone who saw that bloodbath that passed for a match at Battle of Los Angeles knows that this man is not medically cleared to wrestle here in the state of Oregon. But I, three time Desert News Hawk Award winner, non-consecutive, did a little digging. I found out that even the quack Jonnie has doing sham medical tests wouldn’t clear him.
Some fans are uncharacteristically slapping The Sheik’s back and shoulders as he walks back, but he smacks their hands away
Guillermo O’Bannon: How would you know that unless you went into his medical file?
Phillip Blauer: By looking at his medical file.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s illegal.
Phillip Blauer: Not in Oregon. They passed the Freedom of Wrestler Medical Information Act, the FOWMIA, in 2017.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not true.
Phillip Blauer: It was good enough for Jonnie’s quack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: David, is that true?
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. walks by eating an apple
David Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) Is what true?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That you let Phil see The Sheik’s medical file?
David Valentine Jr.: Sorry, bro. FOWMIA. My hands are tied.
Phillip Blauer: Aren’t those supposed to keep you away?
David Valentine Jr. stops eating his apple and looks at it suspiciously as The Sheik hits the ring, pushing Tommy Milligan and Greg Jin out of his way
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is true that The Sheik went through hell in that exploding barbed wire match in LA with Donzig, and he might be a little worse for wear, but that won’t stop him from accepting the Hardkore World Heavyweight title shot that he earned from that match. He went through alot of bureaucratic hoops with the athletic commission to be here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Of course it won’t, that’s why people like Dave here are committing malpractice by allowing him to compete and not saving him from himself.
David Valentine Jr. puts the apple on the floor and begins backing away from it slowly. Inside the ring, The Sheik poses with Malcolm Xavier Graves
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and after a few moments, “The Punisher” Dan Sten walks out with a bandage over the cut above his eye from his match with Little Dragon. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is strapped around his waist and The Peacemaker is in his hand. He looks around and makes sure it’s safe before waving Marty Donovan out dressed as The Mandolorian with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: I guess now it’s clear why I’m dressed as Dr. Spock, beloved Star Wars character.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Clear as day.
Phillip Blauer: (holds up the live long and prosper sign) Nanoo nannoo.
Dan Stein clears a path through the middle fingers and booing fans with some help with The Peacemaker as Marty Donovan confidently walks through. A beer cup hits his Mandolorian mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is so scared of The Sheik that he tried to get Kilroy Evans to wrestle this match for him. Then he suggested they call this match off to get it moved to the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just helping out an old friend who is clearly in need for a main event of the biggest show of the year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan back in Portland for the first time in nearly 13 years from April 2010 when he lost his Hardkore America Championship to Dougie Ray Bullet.
Phillip Blauer: Dougie was a good egg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At the Battle of Los Angeles, Marty Donovan defeated Wrestle: UK’s Sinclair Godfrey in his Reedy Creek Rules match. Then in Oakland, he made the ill advised move of trying to inform The Sheik that he didn’t believe Sheik was eligible for a title match and well, that went as well as could be expected.
Phillip Blauer: No reason to take it out on my rented Saturn.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did you get the…
Phillip Blauer: No, I didn’t get the insurance.
Yolanda Ando: Marty wears a silver speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style silver boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Marty has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Dan Stein steps through the ropes, and backs off Tommy Milligan and Greg Jin. Marty Donovan gets into the ring, and puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on his shoulder. He steps up to the second turnbuckle and gets blasted by jeers from the Portland crowd. The bell rings and a spotlight hits Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is our Main Event of the evening! It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, the challenger. He is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik gets a mixed reaction that he doesn’t seem to care about. “The Punisher” Dan Stein pats Marty on the shoulder in anticipation for his introduction
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is brought to you by Disney Plus, who invites you to watch Season Three of The Mandalorian, now streaming! He is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos. Dan Stein helps Marty take off The Mandalorian suit in favor of his Disney Plus speedo, while Malcolm Xavier Graves gives The Sheik some last minute advice
Disney's Marty Donovan vs. The Sheik
The Sheik attacks Marty from behind and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: That’s illegal! You have to allow the champeen to change out of his robot costume! At the least it’s a hefty fine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now kicking and stomping Marty Donovan as he lays on the ground.
The fans cheer as Dan Stein complains to Tommy Milligan from ringside. The Sheik irish whips Marty hard into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik charges in with a heel hook that takes Marty up and over the ropes to the floor below!!
Phillip Blauer: No! Keep it in the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over onto Marty, making them both crash into the railing!! This match gets rough early on, playing to The Sheik’s advantage.
The Sheik pulls Marty up and starts slugging him with punches, backing him up along the way. The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair and rams his face into the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now up on the apron. He jumps onto the second rope and leaps back into a springboard back elbow!!
The Portland fans pop and Marty crumbles to the floor. The Sheik pulls him up and punches him in the jaw, then kicks him in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik DDTs Marty Donovan’s skull into the concrete!! So far, Marty has not gotten any offense in here.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how they do things in The Empty Quarter, but here, mister, you best let a guy take off his flamboyant promotional attire before a fight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves now setting up a table. He helps the Sheik load Marty onto the table and then climbs up to the apron. The Sheik gets a running start and jumps off the apron with a leg drop but Dan Stein pulls Marty off the table!!
The Sheik crashes through the middle of the table, then lies on the floor, sandwiched between the two broken sides. Marty recovers at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Dan saw all he could stand and he couldn’t stands no more!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now helping Marty to his feet. Marty gets a running start and hits The Sheik with a flying forearm that takes him over the railing into the crowd!
Fans scatter like roaches when the lights come on as The Sheik lies in the front row. Marty climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan gets on the top turnbuckle flips into a somersault senton hitting The Sheik in the crowd!!
The Portland fans boo as Dan Stein and Malcolm Xavier Graves try to help their man up. Soon, Marty goes over and pulls Sheik up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan picks The Sheik up and crotches him hard on the railing!
Phillip Blauer: That’ll give you an Empty Quarter.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No idea what that means but Marty Donovan climbs out of the audience and is back here at ringside. He rolls into the ring, hits the ropes and jumps onto the middle of the top rope. Marty Donovan springboard missile dropkicks The Sheik back into the crowd!!
The jeers get louder as The Sheik lies amongst the scattered chairs and soda cups on the floor. Dan Stein helps Marty get back up at ringside, and up on to the apron. Stein pulls the railing towards the ring, and then Donovan hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault DDT on The Sheik out in the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits The Sheik with Reedy Creek Racing out in the crowd!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum chants “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!” as Marty and Sheik lie amongst some fans that got caught in the crossfire
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan gets to his feet to go after The Sheik but Malcolm Xavier Graves breaks that cane across the back of Marty’s head!!
The crowd actually cheers for that and Donovan goes down like a bag of hammer onto the feet of the front row
Phillip Blauer: MXG may be my ride back to the hotel, but right now I don’t even know if I’m going to take that ride. Can I ride with you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Dan Stein now staring down Malcolm Xavier Graves!
Malcolm Xavier Graves backs away as a seething Dan Stein walks towards him. MXG tries to get him to listen to reason
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now chasing Malcolm Xavier Graves up the aisle into the locker room!
Phillip Blauer: That’s a mistake, MXG can move!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He runs amazingly well for a guy who needs a cane to walk.
Phillip Blauer: Crazy, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes out of the crowd with a chair over his head and crashes it down on the top of Marty’s skull!!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound the chair makes on Donovan’s head. The Sheik then kicks and stomps Marty out in the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses Marty over the railing into the ringside area, and it appears Marty is busted open!
Phillip Blauer: No! We have a shoot to promote Mighty Ducks: Gamechanger in the morning! Larry, call ahead and tell them Marty’s going to need a goalie mask.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and talks into his walkie talkie. The Sheik climbs over the security rail and punches Donovan over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair then smashes his face into the apron. He rolls Donovan back into the ring and climbs to the apron. Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a somersault leg drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies a LeBell lock! Marty Donovan bleeding all over the mat as Sheik rocks back on his head and twisted arm.
The fans cheer as Sheik locks his hands together under Marty’s chin, wrenching back on the LeBell lock. Tommy Milligan asks Marty “Whattaya wanna do?”
Phillip Blauer: The only thing holding Marty together is The People!
Guillermo O’Bannon: These people hate him.
Phillip Blauer: And the hate of Northwesterners is like oxygen to him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship has changed hands in Portland two times. The first was in when Robert Hunglestien III defeated James Fierce in 2006 and then when “The Punisher” Dan Stein defeated Cobryn in 2007. Marty Donovan now crawls over and grabs the bottom rope!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum boos as Tommy Milligan forces The Sheik to break the LeBell lock. The Sheik relents and pulls Marty’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up into a powerbomb, but Marty reverses it into a frankensteiner!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan climbs to the second rope and sits on the top turnbuckle. Now he's pointing at Greg Jin for some reason?
Phillip Blauer: I think he meant to point to me but there’s alot of blood in his eyes.
The Portland crowd jeers as Marty Donovan hops off the second rope and catches The Sheik with a panama sunrise somersault piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan applies a butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon to The Sheik’s arms!
The catcalls get louder as Marty Donovan goes down to one knee while pulling back on The Sheik’s double underhooked arms. The audience starts chanting “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!”
Marty Donovan: (shakes his head) I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!
Phillip Blauer: (wipes a tear) It’s like when Braveheart screams “Freedom!” at the end of that really weird Bill and Ted movie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was Braveheart.
Phillip Blauer: You bet your sweet bippy. (gets choked up) It was the bravest heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty leans back on The Blue Moon, trying to get his first win in Portland. He lost to Andrew Karnage here in June of 2007, with Kilroy Evans as the special guest referee. In 2006, Marty lost a Connecticut Chain match to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini here in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, you mean he’s never won a match here?? (cups his hands and yells towards Marty) Call it off! The fix is in, Marty!
A blood drenched Marty looks over at Phil and The Sheik uses the distraction to backdrop his way out of The Blue Moon, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik spike DDTs Marty Donovan’s head into the canvas! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a flying leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops Marty up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The Sheik irish whips him but Marty reverses it and shoots Sheik into the corner. He follows him in a half step behind and dropkicks him into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan sweeps The Sheik’s legs out from under him. He goes to the outside, and then slingshots himself over the ropes into a basement dropkick!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum lets out a loud “OH!” Marty Donovan pulls him up by the hair, but The Sheik headbutts him in the face, trying to open his cut wider
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes Marty Donovan’s face into the turnbuckle. He grabs him by the hair and punches him right between the eyes.
Marty Donovan returns fire with a kick, but The Sheik catches his leg. The crowd cheers and The Sheik licks his lips at having Marty in this predictament
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion hopping on one leg, but he swings around with an enzuigiri!
The Portland audience lets out another “OH!” and The Sheik goes down like a redwood. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle, then tucks his chin and front flips into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan steps through the ropes and out on to the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off but Sheik catches him by his bloodsoaked hair and sits out into a facebuster!!
The crowd erupts and Marty leaves a bloodstain on the canvas! The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonsault by The Sheik!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Sheik stomps Marty’s face, then goes to the outside. He pulls a chair out from under the ring and slides it under the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls into the ring and goes to pick up the chair, but Marty stomps the chair, preventing him from lifting it! Marty lifts Sheik onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and drops him on his neck with a ushigoroshi!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
A crimson masked Marty Donovan irish whips him into the corner, but The Sheik bounces off the turnbuckles and catches an oncoming Marty with a slingblade! He positions the chair on the mat and then pulls Marty up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops Marty up, but Donovan floats over onto his feet behind him in an inverted facelock. He lifts The Sheik up into a reverse suplex into a snap DDT!! Better Than Cobryn!
The Sheik lies on the mat in exhaustion and Marty bleeds next to him. Tommy Milligan starts laying in the double count
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik is still down but Marty sits up, and pulls himself up by the ropes!
Five!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls Sheik up into a full nelson and drops back into a dragon suplex, but Sheik lands on his feet behind him. Marty turns around into a double arm DDT on the chair by The Sheik!!
Phillip Blauer: You can hear the sound of his head hitting that chair back at the merch tables!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapased. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The Portland crowd roars as The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle with that chair in his hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes off the top rope with an arabian facebuster leg drop with the chair!!
There’s a buzz of confusion as the fans on the hard camera side all start peering towards the entrance. Suddenly Alexander Von Blankenship slides into the ring
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is back in Hardkore World! He’s been gone since January!
The Veterans Memorial Coliseum rocks with boos, as AVB blesses the jeering crowd with the holy trinity
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pushing AVB back!
Alexander Von Blankenship backs off and assures The Sheik that he’s there for Marty
Phillip Blauer: What?? After all we did for that kid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not English, but I’m pretty sure The Sheik just told Alexander Von Blankenship he doesn’t need his help.
The Sheik turns towards Marty. Von Blankenship lifts The Sheik up onto his shoulders and drops him on his head with his burning hammer on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence on the chair!! AVB drags Marty Donovan on top of The Sheik and demands Tommy Milligan count!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The audience lets out a thunderous ovation of hatred as a bloody Donovan continues to lie on top of The Sheik, not moving. “When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays as Alexander Von Blankenship stands over The Sheik, smirking at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship blindsides The Sheik who had the leader of The Anointed beat!
Phillip Blauer: That’s not true, I thought I saw Marty twitch a pinkie, but it could be this drafty old arena.
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 24 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
“The Punisher” Dan Stein finally gets back to ringside and sees Alexander Von Blankenship standing over both Marty and Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein bolts into the ring to protect his friend Marty!
Phillip Blauer: No Dan, it’s all a giant misunderstanding, like a Three’s Company where everyone thinks Jack is dying but he was talking about his goldfish!
Dan glares at AVB as the intimidated second generation star explains that he helped Marty retain his Hardkore World Championship
Phillip Blauer: You see, the horny sleazeball neighbor Larry was supposed to feed them when Jack was on vacation, and Chrissy eavesdropped on them from the kitchen and got everything mixed up…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein picks up Marty Donovan and tries to wake him up and wipes all the blood out of his eyes.
Marty comes to and sees Dan
Marty Donovan: Oh, hey Dan. (turns towards Von Blankenship) Hey, AVB. (blinks) Alex?? You’ve come back!
Marty hugs Alexander Von Blankenship as beer cups and wadded up programs get tossed into the ring by the irate Portland fans
Phillip Blauer: It’s a reunion two months in the making! As far as touching you in a place you long thought was dead, this beats the pants off of any returning soldier surprising his kids video. The Future of The Anointed is back!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right, back and liable to pay for what he just cost The Sheik to announce his return.
Dan Stein begrudgingly joins in on the group hug with Donovan and Von Blankenship
Phillip Blauer: That’s something we can worry about tomorrow, tonight we celebrate Marty successfully defending his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship by going to one of Portland’s many gastropubs where we can get an average hamburger sandwich served by a man with a complicated beard and black plates in his ear lobes.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane hits the ring and celebrates with The Anointed as the fans continue to rain boos on them. Malcolm Xavier Graves comes to ringside to help The Sheik out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, join us next month for our biggest show of the year, Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Phillip Blauer: I’ll be there, I just have to find out where it’s being held this year…
Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and stomps The Sheik, while holding the ropes. Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. starts ringing the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now what is this? The Anointed have just wreaked havoc here all night, what are they trying to prove? Wesley Crane now in the ring as well, as they all beat on The Sheik!
Suddenly the lights go out and the picture goes completely black
Phillip Blauer: (screams) OH NO, I DIED!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shhh, Jesus, Phil, the light just went out.
Phillip Blauer: (wails) Oh, it’s even worse. My hell is spending an eternity watching even more wrestling with Whathisname!
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait…no!
An ear splitting pop from the fas as the lights in the Veterans Memorial Coliseum explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat. The color drains from Marty’s face and he gets behind Dan Stein, Wesley Crane and AVB, pushing them towards the danger
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Phillip Blauer: What? What is it? I don’t know what this song means! Why does everyone else know what this song means?? (grabs Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr’s shirt and shakes him) Tell me what this song means!
Steve Awesome steps through the curtain wearing his XHF Hardcore Championship and is nearly blown back by the monster pop from the Portland fans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It started with the standoff at the Magic Kingdom and now it’s about to explode! It’s the XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome, here for the Hardkore Champion!
He starts running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones
Phillip Blauer: How are those different titles? I feel like my brain is on fire!
Steve Awesome slides into the ring and The Anointed back off as a unit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome helps The Sheik up to his feet so he can defend himself.
Phillip Blauer: How is there a Hardcore title and a Hardkore title??
Steve Awesome cracks The Sheik upside the head with a superkick, and the air goes out of the building
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome just gave The Sheik The Thigh Slapper Super Kick!
The fans boo as Marty Donovan relaxes and pats his heart. Steve Awesome brings him in for a hug and the jeers become deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not only has Alexander Von Blankenship returned but Steve Awesome is in Hardkore World and is now part of The Anointed!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, of course. This was actually my idea. I spearheaded this project in fact. Yup, had my whole team on it.
Marty holds up the arms of both Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome as the audience showers them with vitriol
Guillermo O’Bannon: There will be some scores to settle after this at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
