Gun Show s4e5: Happy (day after) St. Patrick’s day
Mar 19, 2023 1:52:32 GMT -5
via mobile
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Mar 19, 2023 1:52:32 GMT -5
BOOM! BANG! POW!
Pyro blasts and we cut around the arena to the screaming fans. Signs are held up all over like “Hulu>Disney+,” “Dylan is innocent,” and “I came for the bear penis” which is quickly blurred out. We then cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips. Magnus is dressed to the nines in a green suit for the holiday and Tom is wearing a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show! We’ve got a packed night.
Phillips: The green beer is flowing and I’m hoping to get lucky with some of the co-Ed’s here tonight.
Magnus: Stop incriminating yourself Tom. As I was saying we’ve got a packed show. Phoenix title is on the line. The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion is on the line. The X*Crown is on the line. BUT FIRST, the return of the Bear Necessities Championship!
Already in the ring a person in a bear costume dressed like a leprechaun tossing green candies into the crowd. He stop suddenly when he hears:
Roooooooooooooooooooooooar!
Nature sounds begin to play and Goldbear II walks out onto stage. The Bear Necessities Championship is draped over his shoulder as he looks around at the crowd. He itches his balls before dropping yo all fours and walking down the ramp and into the ring.
Magnus: Great reaction for our champion tonight.
Phillips: It’s good to see the Bear back after his rash of injuries.
Magnus: He had a couple tough matches back to back against some of the most brutal men in this business. The recovery time was to be expected.
Bear Necessities Championship
Leprechaun Bear vs Goldbear II (c)
Leprechaun Bear clearly wasn’t fully aware of what he signed up for and retreats into a corner and begins pleasing off his giant opponent. Goldbear II does not seem to understand or care as he stands up to full height and runs on his hind legs and flattens Leprechaun Bear in the corner with a huge splash. Goldbear II takes a step back and Leprechaun Bear collapses to the mat. Goldbear II climbs up onto the ropes, begins to bounce, and springs off with a Shooting Bear Press! 1, 2, 3!
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Phillips: Wow!
Magnus: Every time we see the champ it’s something new and amazing.
We cut back to the ring after the Leprechaun Bear was scrapped off the canvas where we find a skinny man with very little body definition stands in the ring wearing a Dominicus mask alongside what can only be described as a homeless man from outside of a Starbucks. Even tho both men look a bit less than, they are dressed to the nines. They are admiring each other’s clothes when the lights go out. The Doom Theme begins to play and a spotlight lights up a spot on the stage where Tinto the Orphan stands dressed in his finest suit, a tuxedo t-shirt. The young CAR prodigy walks to the ring full of confidence. He tries to hop on the ring apron, but can’t quite jump that high. He waves for help and a ring crew member comes over and on the count of 3 Tinto leaps and the ring crew member gets him to new heights and onto the apron. He steps over the bottom rope and into the ring along with his opponents.
Phillips: I’m not one to speak on what’s right and what’s wrong, but isn’t it wrong that we keep letting an elementary school kid wrestle?
Magnus: He’s been trained.
Phillips: Oh yeah? What school?
Magnus: Marty Donovan’s Wrestling School. It’s an abbreviated 45 minute program.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship around his waist. He looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Magnus: The young Champ has a big match ahead of him in CAR. I told him to take the night off, but he said he’s got a point to prove.
Phillips: What’s the point?
Magnus: That he can beat up a bunch of idiots and a kid in a regular match.
Phillips: He knows Lord Dominicus and Cooycat are accomplished wrestlers in this business and the others have had their fair share of matches too right?
Magnus: In his mind they’re all idiots Tom.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet
Four Corners Prom Night Match
The Reál Lord Dominicus vs DopyDog vs Tinto the Orphan vs El Rey (c)
El Rey taunts the crowd turning his back on his opponents. Tinto plays it smart and retreats to a corner while both Reál and DopyDog grab El Rey and spin him around. Each deliver punches to the Champs face staggering him into the ropes. They then grab El Rey by the wrist and whip him across the ring.
Phillips: Something tells me El Rey underestimated these guys.
Magnus: He’s got them right where he wants them.
El Rey bounces off the the opposite ropes and comes back. Reál and DopyDog lower their heads for a back body drop, but El Rey leaps up onto their backs. When Reál and DopyDog left El Rey is launched into the air. The crowd watches in awe as he disappears above the lights and then drops down grabbing the head of each Reál and DopyDog dropping them down with diving DDTs. El Rey quickly gets up and taunts the crowd, but is soon interrupted when Tinto delivers a full body tackle to the back of the Champ’s leg. Tinto then dives on both Reál and DopyDog making the cover 1, 2, NO!
Phillips: What a huge move by El Rey.
Magnus: But Tinto was Johnny on the spot with the pin.
Phillips: Too bad Tinto’s chop block was only as powerful as his tiny frame.
The full body tackle was only a momentary distraction for El Rey as he breaks up the count by lifting the Orphan off of the two fallen men. El Rey then pulls Tinto all the way over his head with a gorilla press. El Rey lifts the orphan up and down showing off his great power and then runs towards the ropes and launches Tinto three rows deep into the crowd where Tinto is caught by the audience.
Magnus: What raw power by the Champion!
Phillips: The kid weighs what 75 pounds?
Magnus: Does the weight matter? He just launched an opponent into the second row!
Phillips: It’s impressive, but he’s taken his eyes off the prize.
With El Rey watching his handy work, he misses Reál sneaking up behind him to roll him up 1, 2, NO! DopyDog breaks it up. El Rey quickly gets up and DopyDog rolls him up as well 1, 2, NO! Reál breaks it up! Reàl and DopyDog get in each others face arguing about breaking up each others count. They don’t see the Champion who moves up behind DopyDog and pushes him into Reàl causing the two to collide heads. Reál crumbles back and falls through the ropes as DopyDog staggers back right into the arms of El Rey who crosses the arms and launches DopyDog back with a cross armed German suplex with a bridge, his move XedOut! 1, 2, 3!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Magnus: What a defense and a good warm up for his match in CAR.
Phillips: Hopefully it is not his last defense.
Magnus: Our next match is going to be an interesting one to say the least. At the Valentine’s Day GUNS show SCCW star Glimmergrin defeated the Discovery+ Alien, only to be immediately jumped by a trio consisting of King Submaxiswear, Bloodied Fox, and a large masked man. This newly formed group, apparently calling themselves Illuminati, seem to have declared some kind of war against The Discordian Court…
Phillips: Or Satan.
Magnus: Shut up Tom. Anyway, The Court have issued a challenge and we’re going to see two debuting hosses go at it.
The lights dim and after a moment's silence the crunching beats of ANTI-LIFE begin to pound through the speakers. From the entrance way emerges Samael, Lord Chamberlain of the Discordian Court, wafting a censer to spread a sinister fog. In his wake walks Tarvos Duv, his imposing bull-headed figure making all but the bravest members of the audience cower. As they reach the ring, Samael stops and bows his head, as Tarvos climbs into the ring, pacing back and forth as he waits for the conflict to begin.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv was a wrestler with the short-lived Fullmetal Wrestling Alliance, and also appeared at last year’s House of Wolves event.
Phillips: Didn’t Triple B rip his head off?
Magnus: Yes, but evidently he got better.
Phillips: …What?
Magnus: I don’t think any of The Discordian Court are what you’d technically call ‘alive’, Tom. Besides, would that really be the weirdest thing anyone’s seen in the XHF?
The arena lights pulse almost painfully bright as The Sun Sleep builds. When heavy guitars crash in, the immense form of SEIRIOS steps through the curtain and begins his unhurried walk down the ramp. Some brave souls boo him, but many are too afraid to even do that lest they draw the 7 foot tall giant's ire. As he reaches the ring he effortlessly jumps to the apron and then steps over the top rope, practically dwarfing his opponent.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv is 6’6”, and this giant is looming over him!
If being outsized for once worries the demonic bull he doesn’t show it. As the bell rings he steps right up to SEIRIOS and clubs at his chest with a forearm… to no response. So he does it again. Nothing. A third time. Nothing again. Before he can go for a fourth, SEIRIOS grabs him around the neck with both hands and tosses him across the ring.
Made of stern stuff himself, Tarvos rolls back up to his feet and charges at the masked behemoth. A clothesline that would flatten most connects, but SEIRIOS barely staggers. He responds with an uppercut throat thrust that lifts Duv in the air with its force, leaving him on the ground grasping at his throat. With an air of terrifying calmness, SEIRIOS pulls his choking opponent back up and irish whips him into the corner, following in long strides and hitting him with a corner splash.
Magnus: Tarvos needs to come up with something different, and fast! He cannot match this guy in power.
Tarvos staggers out of the corner, only to get chokeslammed back into it, his neck driven into the top turnbuckle with cringe inducing force.
Magnus: Shatter!
Phillips: How do you know his move names?
Magnus: …King Submaxiswear emailed me a list and said if I didn’t memorise it he’d have Fox kick me to death.
Tarvos crumples into a heap on the mat. SEIRIOS makes to move in for the kill, but is distracted as Samael climbs onto the apron and tries to hit him with his censer. The white clad giant effortlessly catches the staff of the incense wafter and tosses it aside before piefacing the old man off the apron, sending him flying into the barricade.
Magnus: Not the smartest move I’ve seen by an OAP.
Phillips: He has bought Tarvos a few moments breathing room though.
Indeed, Tom is having a rare moment of insight as the black bull groggily pulls himself up and as SEIRIOS turns around he fires a series of brutal uppercuts into the larger man’s jaw, actually managing to stagger him. Backed into the ropes, SEIRIOS is grabbed and fired off with an irish whip. Tarvos Duv swings for a lariat but the running SEIRIOS blasts straight through it, the momentum spinning Duv around and leaving him perfectly placed for a thunderous big boot to the face that draws gasps from the fans.
Seemingly content for now with the damage done, SEIRIOS lifts the dead weight of his opponent up into a suplex position. He holds him aloft for several long seconds before dropping him down into a sit out powerbomb.
Magnus: Brighter Than A Thousand Suns!
The ref, who has spent the entire match keeping as far away from these two as possible, crouches to makes the count as SEIRIOS barely covers the motionless Tarvos Duv
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
SEIRIOS stands and exits the ring before the referee can even work up the courage to go and lift his arm, making his way up the ramp to the mostly silent terror of the GUNS fans.
Phillips: That is a scary, scary man.
Magnus: I don’t even know if he is a man, Tom. But whatever he is, you’re not wrong about the scary part…
Phillips: Up next fans is the grudge match of the season-
Magnus: No one told me Venom had Zoran taking on Off the Wagon with his dignity on a pole – HA.
Phillips: BEEF was an early ACE for GUNS-
Magnus: Now hold on-
Phillips: A wall of muscle, but for all the physical intimidation, a voice of reason. Anyone who watches early GUNS, like you forced me too Magnus, will see BEEF as a prototype for Redmond Fury-
Magnus: Now stop right there-
Phillips: Only after a length absence, BEEF came back – not for a nostalgia fuelled hot meat injection, but costing GUNS a match against CAR on a REIGN showcase.
Magnus: That’s not how I remember it-
Phillips: Running in to brutally attack Redmond Fury. Someone-
Magnus: AHEM.
Phillips: SOMEONE convinced the once gentle giant that Redmond Fury was trying to dismantle the federation.
Magnus: HIS LAWYERS DIDN’T LEAVE ME WITH A POT TO PISS IN-
Phillips: So with Magnus’ in his ear, BEEF brutalized MISTER GUNS to the point where he has missed much of this season to injury.
Magnus: Cry me a river.
Phillips: That ends TONIGHT, when Redmond Fury takes on BEEF in a Shamrock Shakedown match to put this grudge to bed!
Magnus: I don’t recall signing off on-
The ring is covered in all sorts of green shit to make you remember that this is in fact a St. Patrick’s Day special.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and Gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a SHAMROCK SHAKEDOWN grudge match!
*MASSIVE POP*
Sylvia Starr: Entering first... standing at 6’3”, and weighing in at 275lbs... he hails to us from Akron, Ohio...
THE LONGEST REIGNING PHOENIX CHAMPION IN XHF HISTORY
THE BUCKEYE BRUISER
MISTER GUNS HIMSELF-
REEEEEEEEEEEEDMOOOOOOOOOOND FUUUUUUUUUURRRRY!
The familiar notes of Gut Feeling act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the mad lyrical flow of Devo cue up the pyro. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. Stepping out of the back, Redmond Fury strikes a quick pose to the delight of the GUNS faithful. The wall of muscles flexes – causing half the crowd to swoon. What a magnificent specimen. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to make his pectoral muscles dance for the camera.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent...
BEEF walks out on stage.
“WAIT JUST A MINUTE!”
But while BEEF is quite happy to settle things Fury, his bravery isn’t shared by the orchestrator of this animosity. Standing on the announcer’s table, Magnus has a microphone in hand.
Magnus: What is this?
Redmond Fury: A long time coming.
Magnus: Then it can wait-
Redmond Fury: It might be you pulling that meatsack’s strings, and you’ll get yours Magnus, but now- I- and THE FANS-
*HUGE POP*
Redmond Fury: Have waited LONG ENOUGH for this!
Magnus: Well, BEEF would be happy to kick your ass in front of everyone, but you have a different dance partner tonight.
Redmond Fury: If that last gauntlet didn’t prove it too you – I can take on ALL comers! So it doesn’t matter if you have me down for two matches tonight-
Magnus: It just might. And it’s not me. This comes from Venom...
Sylvia Starr (reluctantly holding a cue card): Sorry Red. ...And his opponent... from Belgrade, Serbia-
*MASSIVE POP FOR THE PAIRING, FOLLOWED BY MASSIVE BOOS FOR THE SCREWING BOTH MEN OVER*
Sylvia Starr: Zoran Sainovic...
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gunmetal grey gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. BEEF steps to one side to let the former commissioner pass. Sainovic is decked out in a white Armani suit. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. Though Venom’s recent trials have left far greater scars.
Phillips: How could you?
Magnus: This is VENOM, not me!
Phillips: You knew how much everyone wanted to see Redmond finally get BEEF one on one, and also that Zoran isn’t actually fit to wrestle. We all saw him lose to Randy... who didn’t even touch him.
Magnus: Let me pluck my world’s smallest violin!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Redmond Fury: Magnus- you think you’re cute, but I’m not have this.
Venom (joining BEEF at the entrance ramp): Remember when he put you in the hospital?
Redmond Fury: Yeah, but I also remember a lot of other things that Zoran has done... a lot of good things. When I was out injured, this man (points at Zoran) represented these fans... no one was more shocked than me, but he’s earned my respect. I’m not going further his injuries for your little game.
Venom: HE’S NOT REALLY INJURED, THAT KNIFE REY USED WAS FAKE, HE”S CLEARLY FAKING IT!
Redmond Fury (sizing Zoran up): From where I’m standing... you can’t fake that kind of damage. This man has been put through the ringer. It’s a testament to his professionalism that he showed up tonight, but this match... I will not be a weapon for you, Venom.
Venom: Maybe you don’t like-
Zoran Sainovic (snatching the microphone from Fury, Zoran spins around and stares down Venom): Shut ze hell up. (looking down at Magnus) Zat goes double for you. (turning back to Fury) It’s NOT about whether I can stand a chance again you, Fury, or how much zese two assholes are going to enjoy it... (turning to the crowd) ZEY WANT IT!
*MASSIVE POP*
Zoran Sainovic: And we’re going to give to zem!
Fury shakes his head, saddened, before giving Zoran the most macho fist bump this side of 80s homoerotic Dolph Lundgren action movies. The crowd are eating this shit up. Venom and Magnus aren’t as pleased with the whole lemons into lemonade approach, but are getting what they want so try not to sulk too much.
Venom: OH- one last thing- instead of a Shamrock Shakedown... we’re going to go with St. Patrick’s SNAKE theme. So to win this match, you have to place your opponent into a coffin full of poisonous snakes. Enjoy.
DING! DING! DING!
The two men start with a handshake.
It doesn’t take long before they are trading shots. Zoran using his “good” arm to fire off forearm smashes, while Fury responds with gigantic double axe handle chops. While the two men brawl away in the ring, BEEF and Colossus Rhodes wheel the casket down to ringside. Even when its feet away from the ring, Magnus’ menacing henchmen decide to stick around and watch the brawl...
Phillips: Both men accomplished brawlers – Zoran doing what he can, but against those tree trunk arms of Fury? He really does look out on his feet.
Magnus: I am so conflicted right now, I can’t even think.
Phillips: You’re enjoying watching these two kill each other, aren’t you?
Magnus: This feels like a Christmas special to me!
Phillips: Only you can’t run those any more, because you lost that holiday to Redmond in the divorce.
Magnus (grrr): KILL HIM, ZORAN!
Zoran manages to weather the onslaught of punches, to lock in a headlock, only for Fury to explode with a belly-to-back suplex, roll through and turn it into a T-bone suplex, then roll through again for a jumping neckbreaker. After being blown up a million times in the Pokemon match, Zoran is not looking too hot. Fury charges into the ropes, coming back with the Buckeye Buckshot – only for BEEF to grab the leg. Fury is too damn strong, and kicks off BEEF without falling – but it's the second that Zoran needs to hit his Triangle thrust kick. A neckbreaker of his own sees Zoran get close enough to the ropes to yank Fury throat first across them. Though coughing up blood, Fury is able cover up – while Zoran mounts for a series of elbow strikes. Fury then uses his weight to roll it over, and the two take turns rolling around with more brawling.
Phillips: We knew this wasn’t going to be pretty – both men bloody messes in short order. There is clearly a mutual respect, but Redmond and Zoran both knew what the fans were expected, and plan to deliver.
Magnus: KILL HIM, REDMOND!
The much stronger athlete, even in an unexploded state, Fury finally manages to get control for a continued ground and pound. Through the ropes, BEEF then throws a fistful of white powder – blinding Mister GUNS. Sainovic gets a knife-edge chop to the throat, and keeps hacking away until Fury falls over. Timber. Rising, Zoran quickly hits a BOSS RUSH- then he notices the white powder.
Magnus: BOTH OF YOU, JUST DIE!
Phillips: At least you’re not playing favourites... even if BEEF is. Wait, Zoran running into the ropes, and coming back – here we go...
Just when it looks like Zoran is about to hit his Friendly Conversation ’11 – Sainovic jumps over Fury, clearing the top rope and falling outside into BEEF and Colossus with a tope con hilo.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Jesus Christ! Zoran can barely walk, but APPARENTLY HE CAN FLY! The former commissioner wanted Fury one on one, and not taking too kindly to BEEF’s interference.
BEEF takes the lion’s share of the impact, as does Zoran against the concrete, while Rhodes is merely knocked aside. Quick to recover, Colossus Rhodes grabs Zoran by the neck, and chokeslams him into the guardrail. A second chokeslam makes sure that Sainovic’s back hits the steel protector. BEEF recovers in time for both men to hit a SPIKE POWERBOMB on the concrete floor. Pleased with themselves, the duo start to kick the crap out of the broken old man... unaware of...
Magnus: LOOK OUT!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: BUCKEYE BOMBER TO THE OUTSIDE!
The move sends Fury over the top rope, taking out both BEEF and RHODES. All four men lie broken on the ground.
Magnus: Beef and Rhodes aren’t part of this match, they just brought down the casket! Picking on staff? You had better believe there are going to be some serious fines-
Phillips: Oh please-
Magnus: No seriously, I’m talking big money. I might even be able to buy back our Christmas rights…
Phillips: What are you smoking?
Using the guardrail, BEEF seems to be getting up first – when the fans chants cause Fury to kip up. MEGA POP. Fury continues to brawl with BEEF, then Colossus – becoming a two on one situation.
Phillips: Real big when there are two against one.
Magnus: Aren’t they though? Way to go, boys!
Phillips: Just pray they beat Fury down before Zoran gets back in this- because when he-
Magnus: Rhodes – behind you!
Zoran is slowly starting to come too, but the malicious giant is too busy holding Fury for BEEF to punch away. Reaching into the Shamrock plunder, which I was totally planning to use, Zoran picks up a garden gnome dressed like a Leprechaun. Just the kind of stone statute that could really brain a guy! The audience look away, fully expecting Rhodes or BEEF to have their careers ended...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: NO!
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Venom (at entrance): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*MASSIVE JEERS*
From out of the crowd, Bloodied Fox dropkicks the gnome into Zoran’s face, where it bursts into pieces. Covered in concrete dust and blood, the eyeball that isn’t covered by a patch, roll back in his head. However, before Zoran can fall to the safety of a coma – Fox grabs his nemesis by the hair, and tosses him into the snake filled casket.
Phillips: STOP THIS-
The crowd start throwing garbage, as Fox slams the lid shut on Zoran.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... Redmond Fury!
Phillips: Despite you and Venom, these two could have put on a GUNS CLASSIC for the ages... but between BEEF, Rhodes, and Fox... what a sham.
Magnus: Sham-rock?
Phillips: No, just a regular sham! Fury wins, though he certainly doesn’t look like it-
Magnus: No he doesn’t.
As Fox stands on the coffin, Zoran is still too dead to scream at the hundred snakebites which are no doubt going down. St. Patrick chased them out of Ireland, don’tchaknow? In the aisle, Fury is being brutally beaten by both BEEF and Rhodes-
Phillips: WAIT HERE COMES URSUSLA!
Venom takes a few steps to the side, as the giant man-eating Grizzly charges out of the back. It only takes four bounds for the bear to ram into Rhodes. Without assistance, BEEF soon finds Fury hard to handle – and all four begin to brawl.
Phillips: It is bedlam in the aisle!
Magnus: YOU SAID IT- well, Zoran loses, but Redmond can’t win matches with Fox was the big take away, let’s throw it backstage.
Phillips: Wai-
The signal cuts to the backstage area where La Authenica Wombat is visiting the dressing room area.
Unboxed Ken: ‘Bat! They finally discharge you?
L.A. Wombat: This afternoon-
Unboxed Ken: I’m sorry I would have picked you up but-
L.A. Wombat; No one has to tell me about Magnus and holiday shows... I’m just surprised he got the rights to St. Patrick’s Day.
Unboxed Ken: Heard he gave up his own birthday for it.
L.A. Wombat: Oh yeah, Red has his number-
Unboxed Ken: Look I’m sorry about Betty...
L.A. Wombat: Thanks, but if that piece of crap, Viper, can survive inside Bones... well... there is hope yet. I know what I have to do... and I’m not giving up on her. My wife is still alive somewhere in there...
Unboxed Ken: We’re all pulling for you pal.
Nodding, La Authentica Wombat walks out of the dressing room towards a brighter future.
Magnus: Our next match is going to be an interesting one to say the least. At the Valentine’s Day GUNS show SCCW star Glimmergrin defeated the Discovery+ Alien, only to be immediately jumped by a trio consisting of King Submaxiswear, Bloodied Fox, and a large masked man. This newly formed group, apparently calling themselves Illuminati, seem to have declared some kind of war against The Discordian Court…
Phillips: Or Satan.
Magnus: Shut up Tom. Anyway, The Court have issued a challenge and we’re going to see two debuting hosses go at it.
The lights dim and after a moment's silence the crunching beats of ANTI-LIFE begin to pound through the speakers. From the entrance way emerges Samael, Lord Chamberlain of the Discordian Court, wafting a censer to spread a sinister fog. In his wake walks Tarvos Duv, his imposing bull-headed figure making all but the bravest members of the audience cower. As they reach the ring, Samael stops and bows his head, as Tarvos climbs into the ring, pacing back and forth as he waits for the conflict to begin.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv was a wrestler with the short-lived Fullmetal Wrestling Alliance, and also appeared at last year’s House of Wolves event.
Phillips: Didn’t Triple B rip his head off?
Magnus: Yes, but evidently he got better.
Phillips: …What?
Magnus: I don’t think any of The Discordian Court are what you’d technically call ‘alive’, Tom. Besides, would that really be the weirdest thing anyone’s seen in the XHF?
The arena lights pulse almost painfully bright as The Sun Sleep builds. When heavy guitars crash in, the immense form of SEIRIOS steps through the curtain and begins his unhurried walk down the ramp. Some brave souls boo him, but many are too afraid to even do that lest they draw the 7 foot tall giant's ire. As he reaches the ring he effortlessly jumps to the apron and then steps over the top rope, practically dwarfing his opponent.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv is 6’6”, and this giant is looming over him!
If being outsized for once worries the demonic bull he doesn’t show it. As the bell rings he steps right up to SEIRIOS and clubs at his chest with a forearm… to no response. So he does it again. Nothing. A third time. Nothing again. Before he can go for a fourth, SEIRIOS grabs him around the neck with both hands and tosses him across the ring.
Made of stern stuff himself, Tarvos rolls back up to his feet and charges at the masked behemoth. A clothesline that would flatten most connects, but SEIRIOS barely staggers. He responds with an uppercut throat thrust that lifts Duv in the air with its force, leaving him on the ground grasping at his throat. With an air of terrifying calmness, SEIRIOS pulls his choking opponent back up and irish whips him into the corner, following in long strides and hitting him with a corner splash.
Magnus: Tarvos needs to come up with something different, and fast! He cannot match this guy in power.
Tarvos staggers out of the corner, only to get chokeslammed back into it, his neck driven into the top turnbuckle with cringe inducing force.
Magnus: Shatter!
Phillips: How do you know his move names?
Magnus: …King Submaxiswear emailed me a list and said if I didn’t memorise it he’d have Fox kick me to death.
Tarvos crumples into a heap on the mat. SEIRIOS makes to move in for the kill, but is distracted as Samael climbs onto the apron and tries to hit him with his censer. The white clad giant effortlessly catches the staff of the incense wafter and tosses it aside before piefacing the old man off the apron, sending him flying into the barricade.
Magnus: Not the smartest move I’ve seen by an OAP.
Phillips: He has bought Tarvos a few moments breathing room though.
Indeed, Tom is having a rare moment of insight as the black bull groggily pulls himself up and as SEIRIOS turns around he fires a series of brutal uppercuts into the larger man’s jaw, actually managing to stagger him. Backed into the ropes, SEIRIOS is grabbed and fired off with an irish whip. Tarvos Duv swings for a lariat but the running SEIRIOS blasts straight through it, the momentum spinning Duv around and leaving him perfectly placed for a thunderous big boot to the face that draws gasps from the fans.
Seemingly content for now with the damage done, SEIRIOS lifts the dead weight of his opponent up into a suplex position. He holds him aloft for several long seconds before dropping him down into a sit out powerbomb.
Magnus: Brighter Than A Thousand Suns!
The ref, who has spent the entire match keeping as far away from these two as possible, crouches to makes the count as SEIRIOS barely covers the motionless Tarvos Duv
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
SEIRIOS stands and exits the ring before the referee can even work up the courage to go and lift his arm, making his way up the ramp to the mostly silent terror of the GUNS fans.
Phillips: That is a scary, scary man.
Magnus: I don’t even know if he is a man, Tom. But whatever he is, you’re not wrong about the scary part…
(The lights dim as “My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the surprised crowd jumps to their feet.)
Phillips: Wow! What an unexpected treat! Cross Recoba, the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, is in the house.
Magnus: I didn’t sign off on this! Is he expecting a paycheck?
(A spotlight appears on the stage and we see Dana “The Drone” Daniels, an aging jobber, in a bad Cross Recoba wig. He wears a TAP OUT shirt and, for some reason, backwards jeans. Boos rain down from the crowd as Dana enters the ring.)
Phillips: Actually, that’s Dana “The Drone” Daniels. He’s a journeyman wrestler, beekeeper and student of Disney’s Marty Donovan. No doubt this is to get under Cross’ skin before Palm Springs Punishment.
Magnus: He better not have eaten any mozzarella sticks. Those are for signed talent only!
(Dana grabs a microphone and looks around the crowd nervously.)
Dana: Bonjourno! I am Criss Recoba from the famous tag team known as Criss Cross. My brother wanted to be here tonight, but none of the stores have the special brand of Depends his sensitive, baby skin requires. His bum is now sore. Don’t you dare chant RASH RECOBA!
(Dana pauses for the crowd to start the mean chant, but no one does.)
Dana: Marty Donovan! If you’re a man then get out here and defend your Phoenix Championship against the bigger, stronger Recoba! Jump! Jump!
("Something That I Want" by Grace Potter plays and the loudest boos of the night are heard. Disney’s Marty Donovan swaggers out on stage and opens his dalmatian fur coat to reveal a new custom XHF Phoenix Championship. The crowd’s anger somehow doubles. )
Phillips: It appears Marty had made himself a Tangled title.
Magnus: Will someone just pin him already so we can chop off this guy’s dick?
(Marty slides into the ring and goes to remove his coat. While his back is turned Dana jumps him. The ref calls for the bell as the crowd continues to heckle.)
Phillips: This farce of a match is now underway. Dana, or should I say Criss, is applying Garibaldi's Guillotine.
( Dana cranks away on the high angle liontamer as Marty does an over exaggerated yawn. He then kicks the fake Recoba in the face.)
Phillips: Marty breaks the hold. He bounces off the ropes and hits a slingblade.
Magnus: This isn’t fair. Dana’s pants are on backwards.
(Marty scrambles on top of Dana and applies a butterfly lock.)
Phillips: Marty cranks away on the butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon!
Magnus: After the fruity beer?
Phillips: No, he dickishly named it for Manchester City. The butterfly lock used to be a signature move of his rival Syberus, who is an avid United supporter.
(Dana verbally submits and the bell rings. Marty celebrates and taunts directly into the camera.)
Marty: You watching, Cross? You won’t last half as long as he did!
( "Rainmaker (Next Level)" by Yonosuke Kitamura plays and the roof explodes off the building.)
Phillips: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Magnus: WE DID NOT BUDGET FOR THIS!
(Doug, now with gold glitter sprayed in his hair and a home made Okada jacket, marches out on stage. The crowd’s excitement dies as he grabs a microphone.)
Magnus: Oh, thank goodness, it’s just Doug. I don’t pay him anything.
Doug: Enough is enough, Marty! Everyone in GUNS is sick of you. It’s time to put an end to this. I propose on April 1st we have a ladder match for the Phoenix championship.
(Marty refuses to answer, just glaring at him.)
Doug: Come on, Marty.You know this is a big time match. I bet it would be harder to get tickets to this than even Harry Styles.
(Doug gives a shit eating grin and Marty sighs, defeated.)
Marty: I’ll see you April 1st! You’ve got a date with The Rising Sun.
(The crowd gasps when Marty announces the return to his most famous gimmick.)
Doug: The Rising Sun! How long has it been? 16 years? Your old persona was great, but he’s never faced THE RING MAKER!
(The crowd cheers and begins to chant Ring Maker as the shot fades out.)
Magnus: This is it. Big money matchup. The XHF X*Crown Championship is on the line in a few moments.
Phillips: Magnus I'm surprised you went first. Usually, I hype the match then you talk shit about the champion. This is funny since the last two champions have been defending GUNS' honor.
Magnus: We only have so much time on this world and I'd rather not waste it all on hating someone.
Phillips: Wow. What a deep change of-
Magnus: SIKE! I can't wait to watch Jason kick Dylan's head off! TAPOUT is about to become the next best fed on the block!
Phillips: There's the Magnus we know and... love...
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Sylvia Starr: And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first...
There’s a moment of silence inside of the arena as the crowd awaits for the next match, but then the lights inside of the arena dim to darkness and the crowd sit in silence, but then they hear the words speaking through the P.A. System and that signals for them to begin booing upon knowing who it might be:
The crowd inside of the building began to cheer loudly as the vocals of “Blow” begin to play through the speakers, the lights beginning to spiral around the arena before bringing them all around onto the stage where The Last Breathing Mercenary steps through the curtain, a large grin along his face as he stops at the top of the ramp and looks around the arena. The camera panned closer toward the man as he began his slow walk down to the ring, soaking in every second that the crowd showed their love for Long.
Sylvia Starr: Wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland and weighing in tonight at two hundred and fourteen pounds… THE LAST BREATHING MERCENARY… JAAAAASOOOONNNNNNN LOOOOOOOOONNGGGGGGGG!!!!
Long finds himself at ringside as his ring introduction is made, taking a moment to stand there and take a deep breath before turning to walk over to the steps and head up along them to get onto the ring apron. From there, he brushes his feet along the apron, removing his jacket and steps through the ropes. Long heads into the furthest corner and steps onto the second ropes, keeping himself up high as he looks out through the crowd– which only brings a large smile along his face, slightly laughing at the crowd, before leaping off of the apron and staying within the corner to prepare himself for the match.
Phillips: Now Jason got himself disqualified last month against Dylan. What do you think his game plan is headed into this match?
Magnus: I think it's pretty obvious. Jason laid down the gauntlet for the rematch but made sure he couldn't be DQ'd. Dylan can taunt him all he wants but at the end of the day Jason won't be getting disqualified for choking him out.
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arms outstretched, lights glinting off of gold on his person.
The lights come up with the chorus and on the stage, clad in the finest Asgardian leathers available in green and gold colors stands Dylan Black. Complete with the large golden helmet of the trickster god, Dylan smirks atop the stage. An alien creature (which could very well be a real Chitauri alien, it's the XHF stranger things have happened) crawls out and brings Dylan his scepter. Glowing blue at the tip with mystical energies. Dylan slowly marches down to the ring, occasionally stopping to poke someone in the chest to which they become "mind controlled" and hop the barricade. By the time Dylan reaches the ringside area he's amassed a small army behind him. He waves his hand and the army disperses, before shedding the leather top, helmet and scepter.
Down to his Asgardian Leather tights and the X*Crown around his waist, Dylan slowly circles the ring. Jason Long walks along the ropes, shouting at and taunting him from inside. The referee holding him back. Dylan just ignores him and takes the long way around to the stairs, climbing them and stepping into the ring. He hands Sylvia a card and motions her to read it off.
Magnus: Oh man, is Dylan gonna let Sylvia announce him for a change?
Phillips: A rare opportunity Magnus, she better not mess this up!
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, wrestling out of, quote, That Shithole That Used To Be Tokyo...
MEGA BOOS!
Sylvia Starr: Hey, he asked me to say it! Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS. He is the XHF X*Crown Champion! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan raises the X*Crown in the air. Jason just eyes the title but does nothing about it. Dylan hands it to the referee, who gives it to an attendant at ringside and motions for the bell to be rung.
DING DING! DING DING!
Magnus: And we're off!
Like a flash of lightning Jason leaps across the ring at the X*Crown Champion, but Dylan ducks under his attack and rolls under the bottom ropes. Clearly eager to test the limits of Jason's patience early on in this match, Dylan walks around the ring and talks shit to a few fans in the front row. He even grabs a pro-Jason sign and rips it apart! Jason rolls out on the opposite side of the ring from Dylan and charges around the ring, trying to surprise Dylan with something! But Dylan sees him and starts running away, he does a quick three-quarters lap outside the ring and slides inside. Jason slides in after him and Dylan begins to lay boots into the Fallen Prince. Repeated stomps to the back of the neck and head of Jason and the challenger is quick to cover up before any serious damage is done. Dylan backs off and goes for a punt kick but Jason gets up and levels the champion with a clothesline!
Finally having the champion within his grasp, The Catalyst starts to go to work on the Daemon of Mayhem. Twisting his limbs, stomping on them. Making sure Dylan can't run away. He locks Dylan in a figure-four leg lock close enough to the ropes Dylan grabs them, but the ref reminds him that doesn't work in this match. Dylan drags himself closer to the ropes and underneath them, before yanking himself to the floor and hanging Jason out to dry! Jason holds his throat on the bottom rope and Dylan stands up, and Jason grabs his hair and yanks him back into the apron! Dylan holds his back as Jason grabs him by the throat and starts choking the X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: The weapons haven't come out but Jason is getting violent with Dylan very early in the match!
Magnus: I don't like to brag in favor of Dylan but he is well-known as one of the most violent wrestlers in recent XHF memory. It's only a matter of possum playing before that switch flips and he tears Jason apart.
Phillips: Again boasting about Dylan.
Magnus: I still hope he loses!
Dylan's face is turning all shades of purple, blue, and any other colors associated with loss of oxygen. He reaches up and grabs Jason by the back of the head, jamming a thumb into his eye. Dylan is dropped but he quickly grabs Jason and drops him across the bottom rope again. Dylan takes a moment to recover before grabbing Jason and driving a knee into the side of his skull, the tender part that your parents always freaked out when it was hit. A knee followed by a stiff thrust stomp sends Jason reeling into the mat before Dylan grabs him to the corner of the ring. He wraps Jason's legs around the post and BAM! Wraps Jason's knee around the post! Jay screams and Dylan does it again! And again! And- he goes to do it again but stops and wags a finger at the crowd. Dylan knows what they expected and he isn't gonna keep it up. He instead opts to yank Jason balls-first into the steel post!
Phillips: Ooh! Right in the Kingmakers!
With Jason incapacitated around the ring post, Dylan wraps his legs around and locks in a figure four leg lock around the post! He dangles from Jason's legs as Jay screams! He can't lift Dylan, he can't roll over and apply the pressure to him, he's stuck in this position. That is until he gets a slightly bright idea. Through the pain, he starts shimmying around the ring post until he is also dangling from it! He's on one side and Dylan's on the other as now some pressure has been applied to Dylan's legs! And Dylan's only had real legs for a month and a half, he's still getting used to the pain of his natural limbs again. Jason reaches under the ring and grabs something, a chair, and wallops Dylan around the post! Dylan's eyes cross and the duo drops to the floor as the hold is broken!
Magnus: Mav getting an early start with weapons!
Jason grabs Dylan by the hair and lifts him to a kneeling position before blasting him with the steel chair. Dylan topples backward and Jason stalks him, laying into the champion with chair shot after chair shot. Dylan is crawling away as Jason just raises the chair again. CRACK! The chair wraps around Dylan's spine and he goes limp. Normally someone would toss the champ in the ring and try to score a pin but Jason isn't ready yet. Jason has been waiting to get his hands on Dylan and he's going to drag this out as long as he can. Jason wraps the chair around Dylan's left arm and puts a foot on Dylan's neck, he's gonna stomp on the chair! He's gonna break Dylan's arm! Dylan uses his other arm to push himself up and knock Jason off balance, but Jason recovers and stomps on Dylan's face! But Dylan has the chair and as Jason stomps, he takes the edge and jams it into Jason's knee! The Catalyst falls to the floor and Dylan lies panting, hugging the chair with a sadistic grin on his face!
Phillips: And now Dylan has the chair, we've seen him do more dangerous things with lesser weapons!
Magnus: I get the feeling Jason is going to regret choosing this stipulation now!
But Dylan casts the chair to the side, sits cross-legged next to Jason, and begins mouthing off at his challenger.
Dylan Black: Who's the Catalyst? Where's the Last Breathing Mercenary? All I see is a pretentious bitch!
Jason grabs onto the back of Dylan's head and Dylan pushes him away.
Dylan Black: You think you're a saint, you're so damn special. But without Jack and Bobby? You're NOTHING!
Dylan punches Jason in the face and turns to the fans in the front row, where one particular child wearing a Jason Long shirt is trying to smack talk to the X*Crown Champion. Dylan engages in a war of words with the child, teaching them a bunch of new words their parents won't like. Dylan then grabs a drink from a second fan and tosses it in the child's face!
Phillips: Oh my god. What a disgusting display.
Magnus: Folks, we at GUNS do not endorse Dylan's present behavior.
The child begins crying and Dylan laughs, turning around to a SPEAR FROM JASON! Dylan is broken, smack dab in half and he has no idea where he is right now! Jason goes over to the child, helping them to stop crying and even signing an autograph for them. Jason is about to turn around when he's suddenly lifted off the ground, Dylan Black has him on his shoulders! RAGNARÖK! Dylan climbs on top of Jason and pins him!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
And this match would be over but it's not a falls count anywhere match! Dylan laughs as he gets off of his fallen foe and drags him back to the apron. He sits Jason against the stairs up to the ring and takes a few steps back before charging at Maverick. MALICIOUS BIG BOOT! DYLAN CRUSHES JASON'S HEAD BETWEEN HIS FOOT AND THE STEEL STEPS! Jason is slumped over and Dylan grabs him by the jaw, shouting in his face before an open-palm slap crosses Mav's face! A few more fists are driven into the face of the Mercenary before Dylan steps back. He crawls under the ring looking for something to play with, returning with a mysterious bag. Dylan gets in the ring and dumps the contents on the mat, AND A BUNCH OF FOUR-SIDED DICE (D4s for the nerds, triangular spiked ones for the non-nerds) FALL OUT OF THE BAG!
Magnus: What a nerd. Is he inviting us to play Dungeons and Dragons with us?
Phillips: I think Dylan has something far more nefarious in mind than a random encounter...
Dylan rolls under the ropes, grabs Jason, and heaves him into the ring. He drags Jason over to the pile of D4s and puts him up in a powerbomb position. He goes to lift Jay up, but Jay goes dead weight on him. He can't lift Jason up. Dylan tries again and Jason pushes him back a few feet, then BACK BODY DROPS DYLAN ONTO THE DICE! DYLAN LANDS BACK FIRST ON THE POINTS OF THE D4s AND IS SCREAMING IN AGONY! Jason runs the ropes and nails a senton on Dylan! Driving him further into the dice! Jason starts kicking the dice out of the ring and kneels in the corner, stalking Dylan. Dylan is on his knees and Jason runs toward him... VANITY KILLER... NO... DYLAN CATCHES HIS LEG AND GRAPEVINES AROUND IT FOR AN ANKLE LOCK! But Jason kicks him off before it can get locked in!
The duo scramble to their feet and begin trading blows in the middle of the ring! Lefts from Jason, rights from Dylan, bombs being traded between the wrestlers like there's no tomorrow. Because if they lose there could literally be no tomorrow for their careers. This match will be the defining moment of their time in the XHF. Jason starts to get fired up, striking harder and faster and pummeling Dylan into the corner, he fires off some machine gun chops to the champion! Lighting up his chest and milking "WOO"s from the crowd! Jason rears back for a big nasty chop and Dylan blocks it, he ducks under Jason's arm and shoves him into the corner! He starts to strike Jason in the kidney with sick punches, leaving the Icon bruised and battered. A ferocious knee to Jason's side leaves him gasping and hanging over the ropes, prime for a high kick from Dylan!
With Jason knocked out momentarily, Dylan goes towards the nearest camera and starts bragging to it.
Dylan Black: Bobby... Jack... I hope you're watching your boy get demolished. At the end of the night, you're gonna wish you picked up that new kid in ICW instead of this bitch.
Dylan smirks and flips off the camera, before rolling back into the ring. He picks up Jason but Jason has a second wind going through him! Jason begins teeing off on Dylan with some more punches before a question mark kick takes his head clean off! The champion is now out in the ring and Jason takes the opportunity to return some of the smack talk.
Jason Long: Who's the Messiah? Who's the Daemon?
With each question comes a demeaning slap.
Jason Long: I thought I was fighting the X*Crown Champion, the most feared wrestler in the XHF? Not some wannabe rich kid.
The slaps turn into stomps.
Jason Long: YOU KNOW WHO I'M FIGHTING? THE COWARDLY CUNT FROM WIZARD OF OZ! YOU'RE A DEAD CUNT DYLAN!
Jason rears back a few steps and NAILS THE VANITY KILLER ON DYLAN! He instinctively goes for the pin but stops himself, evil thoughts cross his mind and he drags Dylan out on the apron, his head dangling precariously off of it. Jason takes a few steps back and then charges Dylan. VANITY KILLER ON THE RING APRON! RIGHT ON DYLAN'S FACE!
Magnus: Jason paying back a nearly-3-year-old receipt! Dylan did the very same to Jason at the first Call to Arms and now Jason has returned the favor!
Phillips: Magnus, you're smiling... you're grinning! What the hell, dude?
Magnus: What can I say? I enjoy seeing our champion's pain! It's my pleasure.
Dylan collapses on the floor and the Atlantans in attendance are unsure how to feel. On one hand, Dylan is a massive dick and makes no effort to be liked. And he did this to Jason three years ago. On the other hand, nobody likes to see a wrestler get seriously hurt. Jason doesn't care. He's ripping up the protective mats on the floor outside and exposing the concrete. Jason drags Dylan's limp body to the center of the concrete and lifts him up for a DEADLIFT PILEDRIVER ON THE EXPOSED CONCRETE! VANGUARD DRIVER ON THE CONCRETE AND THE CROWD STARTS BOOING MAV BUT HE DOESN'T CARE, HE COULD WALK OUT WITHOUT THE X*CROWN AS LONG AS HE ENDS UP ENDING DYLAN'S CAREER! Jason grabs Dylan and tosses him back in the ring but doesn't follow, he reaches under the ring and grabs a chair. He tosses it in the ring and grabs a second chair. He sets the two chairs up back-to-back and grabs Dylan again, this time lifting him up for a powerbomb across the backs of the chairs but DYLAN COUNTERS! DYLAN SPINS HIMSELF AROUND AND HITS THE HEADSTRONG! POISONRANA AND THE CHAMPION SOMWHOW IS BACK IN THIS!
Magnus: How in the hell is Dylan still in this? Am I... am I impressed? No...
But Magnus' heart did grow a bit during this match, though it shrank more after so he doesn't get any character growth. Mav is down on the mat, chest heaving up and down and Dylan is holding his neck, he's earned a moment to really recover but the abuse he's taken is starting to add up. He can barely push himself to his feet but when the crowd starts booing harder, he looks up to see Darlene and Bigby marching down to the ring, weapons in hand and J-RoK titles around their waists. Dylan shakes his head and starts pulling himself up, shouting something at his partners as they continue the assault.
Dylan Black: No... stay out of this. I can finish this on my own.
Darlene shakes her head.
Darlene: Oh we know, we know. But we're still gonna have our fun while we can.
Dylan Black: I said GET OUT! I FUCKING HAVE THIS!
Darlene's eyes squint and she shrugs.
Darlene: Fine. Your funeral.
Dar talks Bigby down and they both back-off, they hop the barricade but sit in the crowd, ready to jump Jason again. Dylan is pulling himself to his feet and turns around, just narrowly ducking under a bicycle kick from Jason that sends him over the top rope. Dylan yanks the ropes up and down, really making sure Jason never gets a chance to reproduce again. Jason folds over on the apron and holds his nether region and Dylan boots him through the ropes, he holds onto the ropes so he doesn't fall off the apron. Dangling from the ropes, Jason is helpless as Dylan slowly runs the ropes and dropkicks him off the ropes and onto the floor!
Phillips: And back to the floor they go.
Dylan slithers under the bottom rope, grabbing Jason and lifting him to drop him on the barricade! He delivers a few knee lifts to the challenger and Jason is lifted into the crowd! But instead of being thrown back the Atlanta crowd opts to crowd surf Jason around to the ramp, dropping him on his feet. Dylan runs up to meet Jason up the ramp but Jason grabs him and whips him farther up the ramp. Dylan stops himself up on the stage and Jason follows him, shoving him into the GUNS-Tron. Dylan smacks into it and Jason goes to dropkick him against it but Dylan steps out of the way. JASON SMASHES THE GUNS-TRON AND DYLAN PULLS HIM OUT, HE PULLS JASON TO THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, WHAT'S GOING ON? SPANISH FLY OFF THE STAGE!
BOOM! CRACK! POP! RIGHT INTO THE PYRO TABLE!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Magnus: What the hell! I can barely afford all those fireworks. You dicks owe me!
Phillips: Do you not have a designated pyro budget?
Magnus: We do, but only myself, BEEF, and the GUNS get pyro. So the budget got allocated to other things and was only to be used when we run out. And we haven't run out until now...
Medical personnel drag the wrestlers out of the wreckage and examine them thoroughly, looking for any excuse to stop this carnage. But after several minutes of the match on hold and Magnus making several ill jokes about Dylan's health it is determined the match can continue! Both wrestlers are helped to the ring before the match officially continues. Jason and Dylan slowly limp to the middle of the ring where they exchange slow but powerful strikes! Woo... Boo... Woo... Boo... Boo... Boo... Dylan begins to beat Jason back into the corner, overhand rights to the head before Jason is in the corner and he switches to knife-edge chops! Slap chop Mav's chest but Mav catches a chop and headbutts Dylan in return! Dylan staggers back and Jason takes his head off with a LARIAT! Dylan is turned inside out and Jason kneels beside him. He grabs Dylan by the head, shouting at him.
Jason Long: I AM THE HERO OF THIS STORY! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I'VE ALREADY WON!
Jason lands a stiff elbow strike to Dylan's face! Dylan responds by spitting blood at Jason.
Jason Long: AND LIKE EVERY BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE, I'M GOING TO KILL THE VILLAIN!
Jason rears back but Dylan grabs him by the throat and sits up. He squeezes Jason's throat and pulls him closer.
Dylan Black: The hero wins as the villain lets them. And you will not win today.
Dylan pulls Jason in for a headbutt to stagger him, then sweeps his legs out. He grabs one of the chairs left in the ring from earlier in the match and places it under Jason's head, before grabbing the second chair. He steps on Jason's throat and leans down.
Dylan Black: Now. Acknowledge me as your superior, or I am going to put you in a wheelchair just like you did to Seth Dillinger.
Jason squirms under the firm boot of Dylan but he cannot push the champion off of him. He tries to weigh his options but remains defiant.
Jason Long: I. Would. Rather. Die.
A grin creeps up on Dylan's face.
Dylan Black: So be it.
Dylan removes his foot in a flash, but before Jason can react the second chair comes crashing down, sandwiching his head between the two.
Phillips: CON-CHAIR-TO!
Jason is unconscious in the ring as Dylan looks down, almost with a look of pity etched on his face. He kneels down, grabbing Jason's legs and pulling them up as he goes for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING! DING DING!
Phillips: Dylan Black retains! In a brutal contest!
Magnus: Dammit. Now I owe some people money.
Phillips: You bet against your own guy, Magnus?
Magnus: Are you shocked? I want to see his disappointed face alongside a fat stack of cash when he drops the belt.
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
"Psycho Crazy" plays again as trash pelts the ring. Dylan sits up, grabbing the X*Crown Championship from the referee on hand and raising it in the ring! He drops to his knees by the ropes and rolls out of the ring, heading to the back.
Pyro blasts and we cut around the arena to the screaming fans. Signs are held up all over like “Hulu>Disney+,” “Dylan is innocent,” and “I came for the bear penis” which is quickly blurred out. We then cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips. Magnus is dressed to the nines in a green suit for the holiday and Tom is wearing a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show! We’ve got a packed night.
Phillips: The green beer is flowing and I’m hoping to get lucky with some of the co-Ed’s here tonight.
Magnus: Stop incriminating yourself Tom. As I was saying we’ve got a packed show. Phoenix title is on the line. The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion is on the line. The X*Crown is on the line. BUT FIRST, the return of the Bear Necessities Championship!
Already in the ring a person in a bear costume dressed like a leprechaun tossing green candies into the crowd. He stop suddenly when he hears:
Roooooooooooooooooooooooar!
Nature sounds begin to play and Goldbear II walks out onto stage. The Bear Necessities Championship is draped over his shoulder as he looks around at the crowd. He itches his balls before dropping yo all fours and walking down the ramp and into the ring.
Magnus: Great reaction for our champion tonight.
Phillips: It’s good to see the Bear back after his rash of injuries.
Magnus: He had a couple tough matches back to back against some of the most brutal men in this business. The recovery time was to be expected.
Bear Necessities Championship
Leprechaun Bear vs Goldbear II (c)
Leprechaun Bear clearly wasn’t fully aware of what he signed up for and retreats into a corner and begins pleasing off his giant opponent. Goldbear II does not seem to understand or care as he stands up to full height and runs on his hind legs and flattens Leprechaun Bear in the corner with a huge splash. Goldbear II takes a step back and Leprechaun Bear collapses to the mat. Goldbear II climbs up onto the ropes, begins to bounce, and springs off with a Shooting Bear Press! 1, 2, 3!
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Phillips: Wow!
Magnus: Every time we see the champ it’s something new and amazing.
We cut back to the ring after the Leprechaun Bear was scrapped off the canvas where we find a skinny man with very little body definition stands in the ring wearing a Dominicus mask alongside what can only be described as a homeless man from outside of a Starbucks. Even tho both men look a bit less than, they are dressed to the nines. They are admiring each other’s clothes when the lights go out. The Doom Theme begins to play and a spotlight lights up a spot on the stage where Tinto the Orphan stands dressed in his finest suit, a tuxedo t-shirt. The young CAR prodigy walks to the ring full of confidence. He tries to hop on the ring apron, but can’t quite jump that high. He waves for help and a ring crew member comes over and on the count of 3 Tinto leaps and the ring crew member gets him to new heights and onto the apron. He steps over the bottom rope and into the ring along with his opponents.
Phillips: I’m not one to speak on what’s right and what’s wrong, but isn’t it wrong that we keep letting an elementary school kid wrestle?
Magnus: He’s been trained.
Phillips: Oh yeah? What school?
Magnus: Marty Donovan’s Wrestling School. It’s an abbreviated 45 minute program.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship around his waist. He looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Magnus: The young Champ has a big match ahead of him in CAR. I told him to take the night off, but he said he’s got a point to prove.
Phillips: What’s the point?
Magnus: That he can beat up a bunch of idiots and a kid in a regular match.
Phillips: He knows Lord Dominicus and Cooycat are accomplished wrestlers in this business and the others have had their fair share of matches too right?
Magnus: In his mind they’re all idiots Tom.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet
Four Corners Prom Night Match
The Reál Lord Dominicus vs DopyDog vs Tinto the Orphan vs El Rey (c)
El Rey taunts the crowd turning his back on his opponents. Tinto plays it smart and retreats to a corner while both Reál and DopyDog grab El Rey and spin him around. Each deliver punches to the Champs face staggering him into the ropes. They then grab El Rey by the wrist and whip him across the ring.
Phillips: Something tells me El Rey underestimated these guys.
Magnus: He’s got them right where he wants them.
El Rey bounces off the the opposite ropes and comes back. Reál and DopyDog lower their heads for a back body drop, but El Rey leaps up onto their backs. When Reál and DopyDog left El Rey is launched into the air. The crowd watches in awe as he disappears above the lights and then drops down grabbing the head of each Reál and DopyDog dropping them down with diving DDTs. El Rey quickly gets up and taunts the crowd, but is soon interrupted when Tinto delivers a full body tackle to the back of the Champ’s leg. Tinto then dives on both Reál and DopyDog making the cover 1, 2, NO!
Phillips: What a huge move by El Rey.
Magnus: But Tinto was Johnny on the spot with the pin.
Phillips: Too bad Tinto’s chop block was only as powerful as his tiny frame.
The full body tackle was only a momentary distraction for El Rey as he breaks up the count by lifting the Orphan off of the two fallen men. El Rey then pulls Tinto all the way over his head with a gorilla press. El Rey lifts the orphan up and down showing off his great power and then runs towards the ropes and launches Tinto three rows deep into the crowd where Tinto is caught by the audience.
Magnus: What raw power by the Champion!
Phillips: The kid weighs what 75 pounds?
Magnus: Does the weight matter? He just launched an opponent into the second row!
Phillips: It’s impressive, but he’s taken his eyes off the prize.
With El Rey watching his handy work, he misses Reál sneaking up behind him to roll him up 1, 2, NO! DopyDog breaks it up. El Rey quickly gets up and DopyDog rolls him up as well 1, 2, NO! Reál breaks it up! Reàl and DopyDog get in each others face arguing about breaking up each others count. They don’t see the Champion who moves up behind DopyDog and pushes him into Reàl causing the two to collide heads. Reál crumbles back and falls through the ropes as DopyDog staggers back right into the arms of El Rey who crosses the arms and launches DopyDog back with a cross armed German suplex with a bridge, his move XedOut! 1, 2, 3!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Magnus: What a defense and a good warm up for his match in CAR.
Phillips: Hopefully it is not his last defense.
Magnus: Our next match is going to be an interesting one to say the least. At the Valentine’s Day GUNS show SCCW star Glimmergrin defeated the Discovery+ Alien, only to be immediately jumped by a trio consisting of King Submaxiswear, Bloodied Fox, and a large masked man. This newly formed group, apparently calling themselves Illuminati, seem to have declared some kind of war against The Discordian Court…
Phillips: Or Satan.
Magnus: Shut up Tom. Anyway, The Court have issued a challenge and we’re going to see two debuting hosses go at it.
The lights dim and after a moment's silence the crunching beats of ANTI-LIFE begin to pound through the speakers. From the entrance way emerges Samael, Lord Chamberlain of the Discordian Court, wafting a censer to spread a sinister fog. In his wake walks Tarvos Duv, his imposing bull-headed figure making all but the bravest members of the audience cower. As they reach the ring, Samael stops and bows his head, as Tarvos climbs into the ring, pacing back and forth as he waits for the conflict to begin.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv was a wrestler with the short-lived Fullmetal Wrestling Alliance, and also appeared at last year’s House of Wolves event.
Phillips: Didn’t Triple B rip his head off?
Magnus: Yes, but evidently he got better.
Phillips: …What?
Magnus: I don’t think any of The Discordian Court are what you’d technically call ‘alive’, Tom. Besides, would that really be the weirdest thing anyone’s seen in the XHF?
The arena lights pulse almost painfully bright as The Sun Sleep builds. When heavy guitars crash in, the immense form of SEIRIOS steps through the curtain and begins his unhurried walk down the ramp. Some brave souls boo him, but many are too afraid to even do that lest they draw the 7 foot tall giant's ire. As he reaches the ring he effortlessly jumps to the apron and then steps over the top rope, practically dwarfing his opponent.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv is 6’6”, and this giant is looming over him!
If being outsized for once worries the demonic bull he doesn’t show it. As the bell rings he steps right up to SEIRIOS and clubs at his chest with a forearm… to no response. So he does it again. Nothing. A third time. Nothing again. Before he can go for a fourth, SEIRIOS grabs him around the neck with both hands and tosses him across the ring.
Made of stern stuff himself, Tarvos rolls back up to his feet and charges at the masked behemoth. A clothesline that would flatten most connects, but SEIRIOS barely staggers. He responds with an uppercut throat thrust that lifts Duv in the air with its force, leaving him on the ground grasping at his throat. With an air of terrifying calmness, SEIRIOS pulls his choking opponent back up and irish whips him into the corner, following in long strides and hitting him with a corner splash.
Magnus: Tarvos needs to come up with something different, and fast! He cannot match this guy in power.
Tarvos staggers out of the corner, only to get chokeslammed back into it, his neck driven into the top turnbuckle with cringe inducing force.
Magnus: Shatter!
Phillips: How do you know his move names?
Magnus: …King Submaxiswear emailed me a list and said if I didn’t memorise it he’d have Fox kick me to death.
Tarvos crumples into a heap on the mat. SEIRIOS makes to move in for the kill, but is distracted as Samael climbs onto the apron and tries to hit him with his censer. The white clad giant effortlessly catches the staff of the incense wafter and tosses it aside before piefacing the old man off the apron, sending him flying into the barricade.
Magnus: Not the smartest move I’ve seen by an OAP.
Phillips: He has bought Tarvos a few moments breathing room though.
Indeed, Tom is having a rare moment of insight as the black bull groggily pulls himself up and as SEIRIOS turns around he fires a series of brutal uppercuts into the larger man’s jaw, actually managing to stagger him. Backed into the ropes, SEIRIOS is grabbed and fired off with an irish whip. Tarvos Duv swings for a lariat but the running SEIRIOS blasts straight through it, the momentum spinning Duv around and leaving him perfectly placed for a thunderous big boot to the face that draws gasps from the fans.
Seemingly content for now with the damage done, SEIRIOS lifts the dead weight of his opponent up into a suplex position. He holds him aloft for several long seconds before dropping him down into a sit out powerbomb.
Magnus: Brighter Than A Thousand Suns!
The ref, who has spent the entire match keeping as far away from these two as possible, crouches to makes the count as SEIRIOS barely covers the motionless Tarvos Duv
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
SEIRIOS stands and exits the ring before the referee can even work up the courage to go and lift his arm, making his way up the ramp to the mostly silent terror of the GUNS fans.
Phillips: That is a scary, scary man.
Magnus: I don’t even know if he is a man, Tom. But whatever he is, you’re not wrong about the scary part…
Phillips: Up next fans is the grudge match of the season-
Magnus: No one told me Venom had Zoran taking on Off the Wagon with his dignity on a pole – HA.
Phillips: BEEF was an early ACE for GUNS-
Magnus: Now hold on-
Phillips: A wall of muscle, but for all the physical intimidation, a voice of reason. Anyone who watches early GUNS, like you forced me too Magnus, will see BEEF as a prototype for Redmond Fury-
Magnus: Now stop right there-
Phillips: Only after a length absence, BEEF came back – not for a nostalgia fuelled hot meat injection, but costing GUNS a match against CAR on a REIGN showcase.
Magnus: That’s not how I remember it-
Phillips: Running in to brutally attack Redmond Fury. Someone-
Magnus: AHEM.
Phillips: SOMEONE convinced the once gentle giant that Redmond Fury was trying to dismantle the federation.
Magnus: HIS LAWYERS DIDN’T LEAVE ME WITH A POT TO PISS IN-
Phillips: So with Magnus’ in his ear, BEEF brutalized MISTER GUNS to the point where he has missed much of this season to injury.
Magnus: Cry me a river.
Phillips: That ends TONIGHT, when Redmond Fury takes on BEEF in a Shamrock Shakedown match to put this grudge to bed!
Magnus: I don’t recall signing off on-
SHAMROCK SHAKEDOWN
REDMOND FURY vs. BEEF
The ring is covered in all sorts of green shit to make you remember that this is in fact a St. Patrick’s Day special.
Sylvia Starr: Ladies and Gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a SHAMROCK SHAKEDOWN grudge match!
*MASSIVE POP*
Sylvia Starr: Entering first... standing at 6’3”, and weighing in at 275lbs... he hails to us from Akron, Ohio...
THE LONGEST REIGNING PHOENIX CHAMPION IN XHF HISTORY
THE BUCKEYE BRUISER
MISTER GUNS HIMSELF-
REEEEEEEEEEEEDMOOOOOOOOOOND FUUUUUUUUUURRRRY!
The familiar notes of Gut Feeling act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the mad lyrical flow of Devo cue up the pyro. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. Stepping out of the back, Redmond Fury strikes a quick pose to the delight of the GUNS faithful. The wall of muscles flexes – causing half the crowd to swoon. What a magnificent specimen. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to make his pectoral muscles dance for the camera.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent...
BEEF walks out on stage.
“WAIT JUST A MINUTE!”
But while BEEF is quite happy to settle things Fury, his bravery isn’t shared by the orchestrator of this animosity. Standing on the announcer’s table, Magnus has a microphone in hand.
Magnus: What is this?
Redmond Fury: A long time coming.
Magnus: Then it can wait-
Redmond Fury: It might be you pulling that meatsack’s strings, and you’ll get yours Magnus, but now- I- and THE FANS-
*HUGE POP*
Redmond Fury: Have waited LONG ENOUGH for this!
Magnus: Well, BEEF would be happy to kick your ass in front of everyone, but you have a different dance partner tonight.
Redmond Fury: If that last gauntlet didn’t prove it too you – I can take on ALL comers! So it doesn’t matter if you have me down for two matches tonight-
Magnus: It just might. And it’s not me. This comes from Venom...
Sylvia Starr (reluctantly holding a cue card): Sorry Red. ...And his opponent... from Belgrade, Serbia-
*MASSIVE POP FOR THE PAIRING, FOLLOWED BY MASSIVE BOOS FOR THE SCREWING BOTH MEN OVER*
Sylvia Starr: Zoran Sainovic...
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gunmetal grey gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. BEEF steps to one side to let the former commissioner pass. Sainovic is decked out in a white Armani suit. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. Though Venom’s recent trials have left far greater scars.
Phillips: How could you?
Magnus: This is VENOM, not me!
Phillips: You knew how much everyone wanted to see Redmond finally get BEEF one on one, and also that Zoran isn’t actually fit to wrestle. We all saw him lose to Randy... who didn’t even touch him.
Magnus: Let me pluck my world’s smallest violin!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Redmond Fury: Magnus- you think you’re cute, but I’m not have this.
Venom (joining BEEF at the entrance ramp): Remember when he put you in the hospital?
Redmond Fury: Yeah, but I also remember a lot of other things that Zoran has done... a lot of good things. When I was out injured, this man (points at Zoran) represented these fans... no one was more shocked than me, but he’s earned my respect. I’m not going further his injuries for your little game.
Venom: HE’S NOT REALLY INJURED, THAT KNIFE REY USED WAS FAKE, HE”S CLEARLY FAKING IT!
Redmond Fury (sizing Zoran up): From where I’m standing... you can’t fake that kind of damage. This man has been put through the ringer. It’s a testament to his professionalism that he showed up tonight, but this match... I will not be a weapon for you, Venom.
Venom: Maybe you don’t like-
Zoran Sainovic (snatching the microphone from Fury, Zoran spins around and stares down Venom): Shut ze hell up. (looking down at Magnus) Zat goes double for you. (turning back to Fury) It’s NOT about whether I can stand a chance again you, Fury, or how much zese two assholes are going to enjoy it... (turning to the crowd) ZEY WANT IT!
*MASSIVE POP*
Zoran Sainovic: And we’re going to give to zem!
Fury shakes his head, saddened, before giving Zoran the most macho fist bump this side of 80s homoerotic Dolph Lundgren action movies. The crowd are eating this shit up. Venom and Magnus aren’t as pleased with the whole lemons into lemonade approach, but are getting what they want so try not to sulk too much.
Venom: OH- one last thing- instead of a Shamrock Shakedown... we’re going to go with St. Patrick’s SNAKE theme. So to win this match, you have to place your opponent into a coffin full of poisonous snakes. Enjoy.
SNAKE IN A BOX
Redmond Fury vs. Zoran Sainovic
DING! DING! DING!
The two men start with a handshake.
It doesn’t take long before they are trading shots. Zoran using his “good” arm to fire off forearm smashes, while Fury responds with gigantic double axe handle chops. While the two men brawl away in the ring, BEEF and Colossus Rhodes wheel the casket down to ringside. Even when its feet away from the ring, Magnus’ menacing henchmen decide to stick around and watch the brawl...
Phillips: Both men accomplished brawlers – Zoran doing what he can, but against those tree trunk arms of Fury? He really does look out on his feet.
Magnus: I am so conflicted right now, I can’t even think.
Phillips: You’re enjoying watching these two kill each other, aren’t you?
Magnus: This feels like a Christmas special to me!
Phillips: Only you can’t run those any more, because you lost that holiday to Redmond in the divorce.
Magnus (grrr): KILL HIM, ZORAN!
Zoran manages to weather the onslaught of punches, to lock in a headlock, only for Fury to explode with a belly-to-back suplex, roll through and turn it into a T-bone suplex, then roll through again for a jumping neckbreaker. After being blown up a million times in the Pokemon match, Zoran is not looking too hot. Fury charges into the ropes, coming back with the Buckeye Buckshot – only for BEEF to grab the leg. Fury is too damn strong, and kicks off BEEF without falling – but it's the second that Zoran needs to hit his Triangle thrust kick. A neckbreaker of his own sees Zoran get close enough to the ropes to yank Fury throat first across them. Though coughing up blood, Fury is able cover up – while Zoran mounts for a series of elbow strikes. Fury then uses his weight to roll it over, and the two take turns rolling around with more brawling.
Phillips: We knew this wasn’t going to be pretty – both men bloody messes in short order. There is clearly a mutual respect, but Redmond and Zoran both knew what the fans were expected, and plan to deliver.
Magnus: KILL HIM, REDMOND!
The much stronger athlete, even in an unexploded state, Fury finally manages to get control for a continued ground and pound. Through the ropes, BEEF then throws a fistful of white powder – blinding Mister GUNS. Sainovic gets a knife-edge chop to the throat, and keeps hacking away until Fury falls over. Timber. Rising, Zoran quickly hits a BOSS RUSH- then he notices the white powder.
Magnus: BOTH OF YOU, JUST DIE!
Phillips: At least you’re not playing favourites... even if BEEF is. Wait, Zoran running into the ropes, and coming back – here we go...
Just when it looks like Zoran is about to hit his Friendly Conversation ’11 – Sainovic jumps over Fury, clearing the top rope and falling outside into BEEF and Colossus with a tope con hilo.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Jesus Christ! Zoran can barely walk, but APPARENTLY HE CAN FLY! The former commissioner wanted Fury one on one, and not taking too kindly to BEEF’s interference.
BEEF takes the lion’s share of the impact, as does Zoran against the concrete, while Rhodes is merely knocked aside. Quick to recover, Colossus Rhodes grabs Zoran by the neck, and chokeslams him into the guardrail. A second chokeslam makes sure that Sainovic’s back hits the steel protector. BEEF recovers in time for both men to hit a SPIKE POWERBOMB on the concrete floor. Pleased with themselves, the duo start to kick the crap out of the broken old man... unaware of...
Magnus: LOOK OUT!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: BUCKEYE BOMBER TO THE OUTSIDE!
The move sends Fury over the top rope, taking out both BEEF and RHODES. All four men lie broken on the ground.
Magnus: Beef and Rhodes aren’t part of this match, they just brought down the casket! Picking on staff? You had better believe there are going to be some serious fines-
Phillips: Oh please-
Magnus: No seriously, I’m talking big money. I might even be able to buy back our Christmas rights…
Phillips: What are you smoking?
Using the guardrail, BEEF seems to be getting up first – when the fans chants cause Fury to kip up. MEGA POP. Fury continues to brawl with BEEF, then Colossus – becoming a two on one situation.
Phillips: Real big when there are two against one.
Magnus: Aren’t they though? Way to go, boys!
Phillips: Just pray they beat Fury down before Zoran gets back in this- because when he-
Magnus: Rhodes – behind you!
Zoran is slowly starting to come too, but the malicious giant is too busy holding Fury for BEEF to punch away. Reaching into the Shamrock plunder, which I was totally planning to use, Zoran picks up a garden gnome dressed like a Leprechaun. Just the kind of stone statute that could really brain a guy! The audience look away, fully expecting Rhodes or BEEF to have their careers ended...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: NO!
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Venom (at entrance): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*MASSIVE JEERS*
From out of the crowd, Bloodied Fox dropkicks the gnome into Zoran’s face, where it bursts into pieces. Covered in concrete dust and blood, the eyeball that isn’t covered by a patch, roll back in his head. However, before Zoran can fall to the safety of a coma – Fox grabs his nemesis by the hair, and tosses him into the snake filled casket.
Phillips: STOP THIS-
The crowd start throwing garbage, as Fox slams the lid shut on Zoran.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... Redmond Fury!
Phillips: Despite you and Venom, these two could have put on a GUNS CLASSIC for the ages... but between BEEF, Rhodes, and Fox... what a sham.
Magnus: Sham-rock?
Phillips: No, just a regular sham! Fury wins, though he certainly doesn’t look like it-
Magnus: No he doesn’t.
As Fox stands on the coffin, Zoran is still too dead to scream at the hundred snakebites which are no doubt going down. St. Patrick chased them out of Ireland, don’tchaknow? In the aisle, Fury is being brutally beaten by both BEEF and Rhodes-
Phillips: WAIT HERE COMES URSUSLA!
Venom takes a few steps to the side, as the giant man-eating Grizzly charges out of the back. It only takes four bounds for the bear to ram into Rhodes. Without assistance, BEEF soon finds Fury hard to handle – and all four begin to brawl.
Phillips: It is bedlam in the aisle!
Magnus: YOU SAID IT- well, Zoran loses, but Redmond can’t win matches with Fox was the big take away, let’s throw it backstage.
Phillips: Wai-
The signal cuts to the backstage area where La Authenica Wombat is visiting the dressing room area.
Unboxed Ken: ‘Bat! They finally discharge you?
L.A. Wombat: This afternoon-
Unboxed Ken: I’m sorry I would have picked you up but-
L.A. Wombat; No one has to tell me about Magnus and holiday shows... I’m just surprised he got the rights to St. Patrick’s Day.
Unboxed Ken: Heard he gave up his own birthday for it.
L.A. Wombat: Oh yeah, Red has his number-
Unboxed Ken: Look I’m sorry about Betty...
L.A. Wombat: Thanks, but if that piece of crap, Viper, can survive inside Bones... well... there is hope yet. I know what I have to do... and I’m not giving up on her. My wife is still alive somewhere in there...
Unboxed Ken: We’re all pulling for you pal.
Nodding, La Authentica Wombat walks out of the dressing room towards a brighter future.
Magnus: Our next match is going to be an interesting one to say the least. At the Valentine’s Day GUNS show SCCW star Glimmergrin defeated the Discovery+ Alien, only to be immediately jumped by a trio consisting of King Submaxiswear, Bloodied Fox, and a large masked man. This newly formed group, apparently calling themselves Illuminati, seem to have declared some kind of war against The Discordian Court…
Phillips: Or Satan.
Magnus: Shut up Tom. Anyway, The Court have issued a challenge and we’re going to see two debuting hosses go at it.
The lights dim and after a moment's silence the crunching beats of ANTI-LIFE begin to pound through the speakers. From the entrance way emerges Samael, Lord Chamberlain of the Discordian Court, wafting a censer to spread a sinister fog. In his wake walks Tarvos Duv, his imposing bull-headed figure making all but the bravest members of the audience cower. As they reach the ring, Samael stops and bows his head, as Tarvos climbs into the ring, pacing back and forth as he waits for the conflict to begin.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv was a wrestler with the short-lived Fullmetal Wrestling Alliance, and also appeared at last year’s House of Wolves event.
Phillips: Didn’t Triple B rip his head off?
Magnus: Yes, but evidently he got better.
Phillips: …What?
Magnus: I don’t think any of The Discordian Court are what you’d technically call ‘alive’, Tom. Besides, would that really be the weirdest thing anyone’s seen in the XHF?
The arena lights pulse almost painfully bright as The Sun Sleep builds. When heavy guitars crash in, the immense form of SEIRIOS steps through the curtain and begins his unhurried walk down the ramp. Some brave souls boo him, but many are too afraid to even do that lest they draw the 7 foot tall giant's ire. As he reaches the ring he effortlessly jumps to the apron and then steps over the top rope, practically dwarfing his opponent.
Magnus: Tarvos Duv is 6’6”, and this giant is looming over him!
If being outsized for once worries the demonic bull he doesn’t show it. As the bell rings he steps right up to SEIRIOS and clubs at his chest with a forearm… to no response. So he does it again. Nothing. A third time. Nothing again. Before he can go for a fourth, SEIRIOS grabs him around the neck with both hands and tosses him across the ring.
Made of stern stuff himself, Tarvos rolls back up to his feet and charges at the masked behemoth. A clothesline that would flatten most connects, but SEIRIOS barely staggers. He responds with an uppercut throat thrust that lifts Duv in the air with its force, leaving him on the ground grasping at his throat. With an air of terrifying calmness, SEIRIOS pulls his choking opponent back up and irish whips him into the corner, following in long strides and hitting him with a corner splash.
Magnus: Tarvos needs to come up with something different, and fast! He cannot match this guy in power.
Tarvos staggers out of the corner, only to get chokeslammed back into it, his neck driven into the top turnbuckle with cringe inducing force.
Magnus: Shatter!
Phillips: How do you know his move names?
Magnus: …King Submaxiswear emailed me a list and said if I didn’t memorise it he’d have Fox kick me to death.
Tarvos crumples into a heap on the mat. SEIRIOS makes to move in for the kill, but is distracted as Samael climbs onto the apron and tries to hit him with his censer. The white clad giant effortlessly catches the staff of the incense wafter and tosses it aside before piefacing the old man off the apron, sending him flying into the barricade.
Magnus: Not the smartest move I’ve seen by an OAP.
Phillips: He has bought Tarvos a few moments breathing room though.
Indeed, Tom is having a rare moment of insight as the black bull groggily pulls himself up and as SEIRIOS turns around he fires a series of brutal uppercuts into the larger man’s jaw, actually managing to stagger him. Backed into the ropes, SEIRIOS is grabbed and fired off with an irish whip. Tarvos Duv swings for a lariat but the running SEIRIOS blasts straight through it, the momentum spinning Duv around and leaving him perfectly placed for a thunderous big boot to the face that draws gasps from the fans.
Seemingly content for now with the damage done, SEIRIOS lifts the dead weight of his opponent up into a suplex position. He holds him aloft for several long seconds before dropping him down into a sit out powerbomb.
Magnus: Brighter Than A Thousand Suns!
The ref, who has spent the entire match keeping as far away from these two as possible, crouches to makes the count as SEIRIOS barely covers the motionless Tarvos Duv
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
SEIRIOS stands and exits the ring before the referee can even work up the courage to go and lift his arm, making his way up the ramp to the mostly silent terror of the GUNS fans.
Phillips: That is a scary, scary man.
Magnus: I don’t even know if he is a man, Tom. But whatever he is, you’re not wrong about the scary part…
(The lights dim as “My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the surprised crowd jumps to their feet.)
Phillips: Wow! What an unexpected treat! Cross Recoba, the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, is in the house.
Magnus: I didn’t sign off on this! Is he expecting a paycheck?
(A spotlight appears on the stage and we see Dana “The Drone” Daniels, an aging jobber, in a bad Cross Recoba wig. He wears a TAP OUT shirt and, for some reason, backwards jeans. Boos rain down from the crowd as Dana enters the ring.)
Phillips: Actually, that’s Dana “The Drone” Daniels. He’s a journeyman wrestler, beekeeper and student of Disney’s Marty Donovan. No doubt this is to get under Cross’ skin before Palm Springs Punishment.
Magnus: He better not have eaten any mozzarella sticks. Those are for signed talent only!
(Dana grabs a microphone and looks around the crowd nervously.)
Dana: Bonjourno! I am Criss Recoba from the famous tag team known as Criss Cross. My brother wanted to be here tonight, but none of the stores have the special brand of Depends his sensitive, baby skin requires. His bum is now sore. Don’t you dare chant RASH RECOBA!
(Dana pauses for the crowd to start the mean chant, but no one does.)
Dana: Marty Donovan! If you’re a man then get out here and defend your Phoenix Championship against the bigger, stronger Recoba! Jump! Jump!
("Something That I Want" by Grace Potter plays and the loudest boos of the night are heard. Disney’s Marty Donovan swaggers out on stage and opens his dalmatian fur coat to reveal a new custom XHF Phoenix Championship. The crowd’s anger somehow doubles. )
Phillips: It appears Marty had made himself a Tangled title.
Magnus: Will someone just pin him already so we can chop off this guy’s dick?
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN (C) VS CRISS RECOBA
(Marty slides into the ring and goes to remove his coat. While his back is turned Dana jumps him. The ref calls for the bell as the crowd continues to heckle.)
Phillips: This farce of a match is now underway. Dana, or should I say Criss, is applying Garibaldi's Guillotine.
( Dana cranks away on the high angle liontamer as Marty does an over exaggerated yawn. He then kicks the fake Recoba in the face.)
Phillips: Marty breaks the hold. He bounces off the ropes and hits a slingblade.
Magnus: This isn’t fair. Dana’s pants are on backwards.
(Marty scrambles on top of Dana and applies a butterfly lock.)
Phillips: Marty cranks away on the butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon!
Magnus: After the fruity beer?
Phillips: No, he dickishly named it for Manchester City. The butterfly lock used to be a signature move of his rival Syberus, who is an avid United supporter.
(Dana verbally submits and the bell rings. Marty celebrates and taunts directly into the camera.)
Marty: You watching, Cross? You won’t last half as long as he did!
( "Rainmaker (Next Level)" by Yonosuke Kitamura plays and the roof explodes off the building.)
Phillips: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Magnus: WE DID NOT BUDGET FOR THIS!
(Doug, now with gold glitter sprayed in his hair and a home made Okada jacket, marches out on stage. The crowd’s excitement dies as he grabs a microphone.)
Magnus: Oh, thank goodness, it’s just Doug. I don’t pay him anything.
Doug: Enough is enough, Marty! Everyone in GUNS is sick of you. It’s time to put an end to this. I propose on April 1st we have a ladder match for the Phoenix championship.
(Marty refuses to answer, just glaring at him.)
Doug: Come on, Marty.You know this is a big time match. I bet it would be harder to get tickets to this than even Harry Styles.
(Doug gives a shit eating grin and Marty sighs, defeated.)
Marty: I’ll see you April 1st! You’ve got a date with The Rising Sun.
(The crowd gasps when Marty announces the return to his most famous gimmick.)
(The crowd cheers and begins to chant Ring Maker as the shot fades out.)
Magnus: This is it. Big money matchup. The XHF X*Crown Championship is on the line in a few moments.
Phillips: Magnus I'm surprised you went first. Usually, I hype the match then you talk shit about the champion. This is funny since the last two champions have been defending GUNS' honor.
Magnus: We only have so much time on this world and I'd rather not waste it all on hating someone.
Phillips: Wow. What a deep change of-
Magnus: SIKE! I can't wait to watch Jason kick Dylan's head off! TAPOUT is about to become the next best fed on the block!
Phillips: There's the Magnus we know and... love...
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Sylvia Starr: And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first...
There’s a moment of silence inside of the arena as the crowd awaits for the next match, but then the lights inside of the arena dim to darkness and the crowd sit in silence, but then they hear the words speaking through the P.A. System and that signals for them to begin booing upon knowing who it might be:
“TAKE ALL MY MONEY
TAKE ALL MY MONEY, HONEY
TAKE ALL MY MONEY AND BLOW (BLOW, BLOW)”
The crowd inside of the building began to cheer loudly as the vocals of “Blow” begin to play through the speakers, the lights beginning to spiral around the arena before bringing them all around onto the stage where The Last Breathing Mercenary steps through the curtain, a large grin along his face as he stops at the top of the ramp and looks around the arena. The camera panned closer toward the man as he began his slow walk down to the ring, soaking in every second that the crowd showed their love for Long.
Sylvia Starr: Wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland and weighing in tonight at two hundred and fourteen pounds… THE LAST BREATHING MERCENARY… JAAAAASOOOONNNNNNN LOOOOOOOOONNGGGGGGGG!!!!
Long finds himself at ringside as his ring introduction is made, taking a moment to stand there and take a deep breath before turning to walk over to the steps and head up along them to get onto the ring apron. From there, he brushes his feet along the apron, removing his jacket and steps through the ropes. Long heads into the furthest corner and steps onto the second ropes, keeping himself up high as he looks out through the crowd– which only brings a large smile along his face, slightly laughing at the crowd, before leaping off of the apron and staying within the corner to prepare himself for the match.
Phillips: Now Jason got himself disqualified last month against Dylan. What do you think his game plan is headed into this match?
Magnus: I think it's pretty obvious. Jason laid down the gauntlet for the rematch but made sure he couldn't be DQ'd. Dylan can taunt him all he wants but at the end of the day Jason won't be getting disqualified for choking him out.
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arms outstretched, lights glinting off of gold on his person.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The lights come up with the chorus and on the stage, clad in the finest Asgardian leathers available in green and gold colors stands Dylan Black. Complete with the large golden helmet of the trickster god, Dylan smirks atop the stage. An alien creature (which could very well be a real Chitauri alien, it's the XHF stranger things have happened) crawls out and brings Dylan his scepter. Glowing blue at the tip with mystical energies. Dylan slowly marches down to the ring, occasionally stopping to poke someone in the chest to which they become "mind controlled" and hop the barricade. By the time Dylan reaches the ringside area he's amassed a small army behind him. He waves his hand and the army disperses, before shedding the leather top, helmet and scepter.
Down to his Asgardian Leather tights and the X*Crown around his waist, Dylan slowly circles the ring. Jason Long walks along the ropes, shouting at and taunting him from inside. The referee holding him back. Dylan just ignores him and takes the long way around to the stairs, climbing them and stepping into the ring. He hands Sylvia a card and motions her to read it off.
Magnus: Oh man, is Dylan gonna let Sylvia announce him for a change?
Phillips: A rare opportunity Magnus, she better not mess this up!
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, wrestling out of, quote, That Shithole That Used To Be Tokyo...
MEGA BOOS!
Sylvia Starr: Hey, he asked me to say it! Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS. He is the XHF X*Crown Champion! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan raises the X*Crown in the air. Jason just eyes the title but does nothing about it. Dylan hands it to the referee, who gives it to an attendant at ringside and motions for the bell to be rung.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
UNSANCTIONED MATCH
JASON LONG VS DYLAN BLACK (C)
DING DING! DING DING!
Magnus: And we're off!
Like a flash of lightning Jason leaps across the ring at the X*Crown Champion, but Dylan ducks under his attack and rolls under the bottom ropes. Clearly eager to test the limits of Jason's patience early on in this match, Dylan walks around the ring and talks shit to a few fans in the front row. He even grabs a pro-Jason sign and rips it apart! Jason rolls out on the opposite side of the ring from Dylan and charges around the ring, trying to surprise Dylan with something! But Dylan sees him and starts running away, he does a quick three-quarters lap outside the ring and slides inside. Jason slides in after him and Dylan begins to lay boots into the Fallen Prince. Repeated stomps to the back of the neck and head of Jason and the challenger is quick to cover up before any serious damage is done. Dylan backs off and goes for a punt kick but Jason gets up and levels the champion with a clothesline!
Finally having the champion within his grasp, The Catalyst starts to go to work on the Daemon of Mayhem. Twisting his limbs, stomping on them. Making sure Dylan can't run away. He locks Dylan in a figure-four leg lock close enough to the ropes Dylan grabs them, but the ref reminds him that doesn't work in this match. Dylan drags himself closer to the ropes and underneath them, before yanking himself to the floor and hanging Jason out to dry! Jason holds his throat on the bottom rope and Dylan stands up, and Jason grabs his hair and yanks him back into the apron! Dylan holds his back as Jason grabs him by the throat and starts choking the X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: The weapons haven't come out but Jason is getting violent with Dylan very early in the match!
Magnus: I don't like to brag in favor of Dylan but he is well-known as one of the most violent wrestlers in recent XHF memory. It's only a matter of possum playing before that switch flips and he tears Jason apart.
Phillips: Again boasting about Dylan.
Magnus: I still hope he loses!
Dylan's face is turning all shades of purple, blue, and any other colors associated with loss of oxygen. He reaches up and grabs Jason by the back of the head, jamming a thumb into his eye. Dylan is dropped but he quickly grabs Jason and drops him across the bottom rope again. Dylan takes a moment to recover before grabbing Jason and driving a knee into the side of his skull, the tender part that your parents always freaked out when it was hit. A knee followed by a stiff thrust stomp sends Jason reeling into the mat before Dylan grabs him to the corner of the ring. He wraps Jason's legs around the post and BAM! Wraps Jason's knee around the post! Jay screams and Dylan does it again! And again! And- he goes to do it again but stops and wags a finger at the crowd. Dylan knows what they expected and he isn't gonna keep it up. He instead opts to yank Jason balls-first into the steel post!
Phillips: Ooh! Right in the Kingmakers!
With Jason incapacitated around the ring post, Dylan wraps his legs around and locks in a figure four leg lock around the post! He dangles from Jason's legs as Jay screams! He can't lift Dylan, he can't roll over and apply the pressure to him, he's stuck in this position. That is until he gets a slightly bright idea. Through the pain, he starts shimmying around the ring post until he is also dangling from it! He's on one side and Dylan's on the other as now some pressure has been applied to Dylan's legs! And Dylan's only had real legs for a month and a half, he's still getting used to the pain of his natural limbs again. Jason reaches under the ring and grabs something, a chair, and wallops Dylan around the post! Dylan's eyes cross and the duo drops to the floor as the hold is broken!
Magnus: Mav getting an early start with weapons!
Jason grabs Dylan by the hair and lifts him to a kneeling position before blasting him with the steel chair. Dylan topples backward and Jason stalks him, laying into the champion with chair shot after chair shot. Dylan is crawling away as Jason just raises the chair again. CRACK! The chair wraps around Dylan's spine and he goes limp. Normally someone would toss the champ in the ring and try to score a pin but Jason isn't ready yet. Jason has been waiting to get his hands on Dylan and he's going to drag this out as long as he can. Jason wraps the chair around Dylan's left arm and puts a foot on Dylan's neck, he's gonna stomp on the chair! He's gonna break Dylan's arm! Dylan uses his other arm to push himself up and knock Jason off balance, but Jason recovers and stomps on Dylan's face! But Dylan has the chair and as Jason stomps, he takes the edge and jams it into Jason's knee! The Catalyst falls to the floor and Dylan lies panting, hugging the chair with a sadistic grin on his face!
Phillips: And now Dylan has the chair, we've seen him do more dangerous things with lesser weapons!
Magnus: I get the feeling Jason is going to regret choosing this stipulation now!
But Dylan casts the chair to the side, sits cross-legged next to Jason, and begins mouthing off at his challenger.
Dylan Black: Who's the Catalyst? Where's the Last Breathing Mercenary? All I see is a pretentious bitch!
Jason grabs onto the back of Dylan's head and Dylan pushes him away.
Dylan Black: You think you're a saint, you're so damn special. But without Jack and Bobby? You're NOTHING!
Dylan punches Jason in the face and turns to the fans in the front row, where one particular child wearing a Jason Long shirt is trying to smack talk to the X*Crown Champion. Dylan engages in a war of words with the child, teaching them a bunch of new words their parents won't like. Dylan then grabs a drink from a second fan and tosses it in the child's face!
Phillips: Oh my god. What a disgusting display.
Magnus: Folks, we at GUNS do not endorse Dylan's present behavior.
The child begins crying and Dylan laughs, turning around to a SPEAR FROM JASON! Dylan is broken, smack dab in half and he has no idea where he is right now! Jason goes over to the child, helping them to stop crying and even signing an autograph for them. Jason is about to turn around when he's suddenly lifted off the ground, Dylan Black has him on his shoulders! RAGNARÖK! Dylan climbs on top of Jason and pins him!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
And this match would be over but it's not a falls count anywhere match! Dylan laughs as he gets off of his fallen foe and drags him back to the apron. He sits Jason against the stairs up to the ring and takes a few steps back before charging at Maverick. MALICIOUS BIG BOOT! DYLAN CRUSHES JASON'S HEAD BETWEEN HIS FOOT AND THE STEEL STEPS! Jason is slumped over and Dylan grabs him by the jaw, shouting in his face before an open-palm slap crosses Mav's face! A few more fists are driven into the face of the Mercenary before Dylan steps back. He crawls under the ring looking for something to play with, returning with a mysterious bag. Dylan gets in the ring and dumps the contents on the mat, AND A BUNCH OF FOUR-SIDED DICE (D4s for the nerds, triangular spiked ones for the non-nerds) FALL OUT OF THE BAG!
Magnus: What a nerd. Is he inviting us to play Dungeons and Dragons with us?
Phillips: I think Dylan has something far more nefarious in mind than a random encounter...
Dylan rolls under the ropes, grabs Jason, and heaves him into the ring. He drags Jason over to the pile of D4s and puts him up in a powerbomb position. He goes to lift Jay up, but Jay goes dead weight on him. He can't lift Jason up. Dylan tries again and Jason pushes him back a few feet, then BACK BODY DROPS DYLAN ONTO THE DICE! DYLAN LANDS BACK FIRST ON THE POINTS OF THE D4s AND IS SCREAMING IN AGONY! Jason runs the ropes and nails a senton on Dylan! Driving him further into the dice! Jason starts kicking the dice out of the ring and kneels in the corner, stalking Dylan. Dylan is on his knees and Jason runs toward him... VANITY KILLER... NO... DYLAN CATCHES HIS LEG AND GRAPEVINES AROUND IT FOR AN ANKLE LOCK! But Jason kicks him off before it can get locked in!
The duo scramble to their feet and begin trading blows in the middle of the ring! Lefts from Jason, rights from Dylan, bombs being traded between the wrestlers like there's no tomorrow. Because if they lose there could literally be no tomorrow for their careers. This match will be the defining moment of their time in the XHF. Jason starts to get fired up, striking harder and faster and pummeling Dylan into the corner, he fires off some machine gun chops to the champion! Lighting up his chest and milking "WOO"s from the crowd! Jason rears back for a big nasty chop and Dylan blocks it, he ducks under Jason's arm and shoves him into the corner! He starts to strike Jason in the kidney with sick punches, leaving the Icon bruised and battered. A ferocious knee to Jason's side leaves him gasping and hanging over the ropes, prime for a high kick from Dylan!
With Jason knocked out momentarily, Dylan goes towards the nearest camera and starts bragging to it.
Dylan Black: Bobby... Jack... I hope you're watching your boy get demolished. At the end of the night, you're gonna wish you picked up that new kid in ICW instead of this bitch.
Dylan smirks and flips off the camera, before rolling back into the ring. He picks up Jason but Jason has a second wind going through him! Jason begins teeing off on Dylan with some more punches before a question mark kick takes his head clean off! The champion is now out in the ring and Jason takes the opportunity to return some of the smack talk.
Jason Long: Who's the Messiah? Who's the Daemon?
With each question comes a demeaning slap.
Jason Long: I thought I was fighting the X*Crown Champion, the most feared wrestler in the XHF? Not some wannabe rich kid.
The slaps turn into stomps.
Jason Long: YOU KNOW WHO I'M FIGHTING? THE COWARDLY CUNT FROM WIZARD OF OZ! YOU'RE A DEAD CUNT DYLAN!
Jason rears back a few steps and NAILS THE VANITY KILLER ON DYLAN! He instinctively goes for the pin but stops himself, evil thoughts cross his mind and he drags Dylan out on the apron, his head dangling precariously off of it. Jason takes a few steps back and then charges Dylan. VANITY KILLER ON THE RING APRON! RIGHT ON DYLAN'S FACE!
Magnus: Jason paying back a nearly-3-year-old receipt! Dylan did the very same to Jason at the first Call to Arms and now Jason has returned the favor!
Phillips: Magnus, you're smiling... you're grinning! What the hell, dude?
Magnus: What can I say? I enjoy seeing our champion's pain! It's my pleasure.
Dylan collapses on the floor and the Atlantans in attendance are unsure how to feel. On one hand, Dylan is a massive dick and makes no effort to be liked. And he did this to Jason three years ago. On the other hand, nobody likes to see a wrestler get seriously hurt. Jason doesn't care. He's ripping up the protective mats on the floor outside and exposing the concrete. Jason drags Dylan's limp body to the center of the concrete and lifts him up for a DEADLIFT PILEDRIVER ON THE EXPOSED CONCRETE! VANGUARD DRIVER ON THE CONCRETE AND THE CROWD STARTS BOOING MAV BUT HE DOESN'T CARE, HE COULD WALK OUT WITHOUT THE X*CROWN AS LONG AS HE ENDS UP ENDING DYLAN'S CAREER! Jason grabs Dylan and tosses him back in the ring but doesn't follow, he reaches under the ring and grabs a chair. He tosses it in the ring and grabs a second chair. He sets the two chairs up back-to-back and grabs Dylan again, this time lifting him up for a powerbomb across the backs of the chairs but DYLAN COUNTERS! DYLAN SPINS HIMSELF AROUND AND HITS THE HEADSTRONG! POISONRANA AND THE CHAMPION SOMWHOW IS BACK IN THIS!
Magnus: How in the hell is Dylan still in this? Am I... am I impressed? No...
But Magnus' heart did grow a bit during this match, though it shrank more after so he doesn't get any character growth. Mav is down on the mat, chest heaving up and down and Dylan is holding his neck, he's earned a moment to really recover but the abuse he's taken is starting to add up. He can barely push himself to his feet but when the crowd starts booing harder, he looks up to see Darlene and Bigby marching down to the ring, weapons in hand and J-RoK titles around their waists. Dylan shakes his head and starts pulling himself up, shouting something at his partners as they continue the assault.
Dylan Black: No... stay out of this. I can finish this on my own.
Darlene shakes her head.
Darlene: Oh we know, we know. But we're still gonna have our fun while we can.
Dylan Black: I said GET OUT! I FUCKING HAVE THIS!
Darlene's eyes squint and she shrugs.
Darlene: Fine. Your funeral.
Dar talks Bigby down and they both back-off, they hop the barricade but sit in the crowd, ready to jump Jason again. Dylan is pulling himself to his feet and turns around, just narrowly ducking under a bicycle kick from Jason that sends him over the top rope. Dylan yanks the ropes up and down, really making sure Jason never gets a chance to reproduce again. Jason folds over on the apron and holds his nether region and Dylan boots him through the ropes, he holds onto the ropes so he doesn't fall off the apron. Dangling from the ropes, Jason is helpless as Dylan slowly runs the ropes and dropkicks him off the ropes and onto the floor!
Phillips: And back to the floor they go.
Dylan slithers under the bottom rope, grabbing Jason and lifting him to drop him on the barricade! He delivers a few knee lifts to the challenger and Jason is lifted into the crowd! But instead of being thrown back the Atlanta crowd opts to crowd surf Jason around to the ramp, dropping him on his feet. Dylan runs up to meet Jason up the ramp but Jason grabs him and whips him farther up the ramp. Dylan stops himself up on the stage and Jason follows him, shoving him into the GUNS-Tron. Dylan smacks into it and Jason goes to dropkick him against it but Dylan steps out of the way. JASON SMASHES THE GUNS-TRON AND DYLAN PULLS HIM OUT, HE PULLS JASON TO THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, WHAT'S GOING ON? SPANISH FLY OFF THE STAGE!
BOOM! CRACK! POP! RIGHT INTO THE PYRO TABLE!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Magnus: What the hell! I can barely afford all those fireworks. You dicks owe me!
Phillips: Do you not have a designated pyro budget?
Magnus: We do, but only myself, BEEF, and the GUNS get pyro. So the budget got allocated to other things and was only to be used when we run out. And we haven't run out until now...
Medical personnel drag the wrestlers out of the wreckage and examine them thoroughly, looking for any excuse to stop this carnage. But after several minutes of the match on hold and Magnus making several ill jokes about Dylan's health it is determined the match can continue! Both wrestlers are helped to the ring before the match officially continues. Jason and Dylan slowly limp to the middle of the ring where they exchange slow but powerful strikes! Woo... Boo... Woo... Boo... Boo... Boo... Dylan begins to beat Jason back into the corner, overhand rights to the head before Jason is in the corner and he switches to knife-edge chops! Slap chop Mav's chest but Mav catches a chop and headbutts Dylan in return! Dylan staggers back and Jason takes his head off with a LARIAT! Dylan is turned inside out and Jason kneels beside him. He grabs Dylan by the head, shouting at him.
Jason Long: I AM THE HERO OF THIS STORY! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I'VE ALREADY WON!
Jason lands a stiff elbow strike to Dylan's face! Dylan responds by spitting blood at Jason.
Jason Long: AND LIKE EVERY BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE, I'M GOING TO KILL THE VILLAIN!
Jason rears back but Dylan grabs him by the throat and sits up. He squeezes Jason's throat and pulls him closer.
Dylan Black: The hero wins as the villain lets them. And you will not win today.
Dylan pulls Jason in for a headbutt to stagger him, then sweeps his legs out. He grabs one of the chairs left in the ring from earlier in the match and places it under Jason's head, before grabbing the second chair. He steps on Jason's throat and leans down.
Dylan Black: Now. Acknowledge me as your superior, or I am going to put you in a wheelchair just like you did to Seth Dillinger.
Jason squirms under the firm boot of Dylan but he cannot push the champion off of him. He tries to weigh his options but remains defiant.
Jason Long: I. Would. Rather. Die.
A grin creeps up on Dylan's face.
Dylan Black: So be it.
Dylan removes his foot in a flash, but before Jason can react the second chair comes crashing down, sandwiching his head between the two.
Phillips: CON-CHAIR-TO!
Jason is unconscious in the ring as Dylan looks down, almost with a look of pity etched on his face. He kneels down, grabbing Jason's legs and pulling them up as he goes for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING! DING DING!
Phillips: Dylan Black retains! In a brutal contest!
Magnus: Dammit. Now I owe some people money.
Phillips: You bet against your own guy, Magnus?
Magnus: Are you shocked? I want to see his disappointed face alongside a fat stack of cash when he drops the belt.
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
"Psycho Crazy" plays again as trash pelts the ring. Dylan sits up, grabbing the X*Crown Championship from the referee on hand and raising it in the ring! He drops to his knees by the ropes and rolls out of the ring, heading to the back.
