Match:
Twenty Person Battle Royal Invitational
Winner gets a W:UK Heavyweight Champion Title Shot
at W:UK DOMINION ON MAY 21st!
Frank Salazar: The following match is a BATTLE ROYALE! There are twenty total participants! The match will start with two competitors in the ring, and a new competitor will enter the ring every two minutes! Elimination is over the top rope only, and the last remaining wrestler will be the winner!
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!Tucker: It’s about time. The battle royal of course was scheduled to go on first before the Glucks and Oblivion Death Squad began fighting backstage and Mr. Blood got Philly with the lineup.
Salazar: Our first entrant…!
♫ Show me how to lie you’re getting farther all the time ♫
♫ And turning all against the one is an art that’s hard to teach ♫
♫ Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd ♫
♫ And as you step back into line a mob jumps to their feet ♫
Salazar: Hailing from Baltimore, Maryland, and weighing 201 lbs! Representing the NEW UNTOUCHABLES… JEEEEEEFFREY… DAAAAAAANIELS!
Tucker: We definitely heard from Jeffrey Daniels this week - seems he’s picked up a real hate-on for the XHF in general from somewhere, and the fans are split.
Daniels slides into the ring, hits the ropes, and waits with his hands on his knees.
Salazar: And entering second! From Los Angeles, California, and weighing in at 225 lbs! PPPRRRRESTON! ANDRE! REEEEEEESE!
♫ Fuck the other shit, I'm goin' for the win (fuck it, win) ♫
♫ Pulled up with that bitch, then pulled off with her friend (skrrt) ♫
"How he get that?" Shh, just know we got it in (brrt) ♫
♫ Gave my partner fifty cent, he shot many men (brrt) ♫
Torchwood: A very negative reaction for the High Rollers Club associate here.
Tucker: Both Reese and Daniels expected to perform well in this battle royal, but a pair of really tough draws for them.
DING! DING! DING!Tucker: And here we go!
Daniels immediately fires a superkick, Reese ducks and tries a cutter, Daniels blocks and pushes him towards the ropes! But Reese holds the ropes and Daniels is rolled over backwards, and Reese connects with a dropkick. Reese pulls Daniels up and tries for a quick elimination, but Daniels sees it coming and blocks with a drop toe hold. Reese powers up and the two jockey for position. Reese has enough of a strength advantage to bull Daniels back into a corner, but not enough of one to do anything once he’s got him there, and Daniels counters with a sunset flip. Daniels rolls straight on through the sunset flip and tries to double stomp Reese, but Reese rolls out of the way and the two have a staredown.
Torchwood: Both men seem to realize they’re not going to get an easy elimination against each other, and they’re re-evaluating.
Reese puts a hand up for a knuckle lock, Daniels shuffles forward like he’s about to accept it, then cartwheels at the last second, comes to his feet and slaps his thigh. Reese ducks, and Daniels hits a thrust kick under the jaw! Reese goes down and Daniels grabs him by the legs, rolls him to his feet, runs the ropes, and rebounds into a snap powerslam! Reese rubs his jaw, grabs Daniels and tries an Irish whip, but Daniels refuses to go anywhere.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Did you miss me? ♫
♫ Did you miss me? ♫
♫ Are you ready for this? ♫
♫ GET DOWN! ♫
Fulton: Oni, bro! That’s a big bad boy coming out!
Tucker: The new partner of Takaru Matsui on his way down!
Daniels and Reese look at each other, then up at Oni, and quickly come to a truce. As Oni rumbles into the match with a clothesline, Daniels ducks, and he and Reese both dropkick Oni as he turns around! The big man is stopped in his tracks. A second double dropkick sends him windmilling off balance, and then a combination jumping roundhouse from Reese and superkick from Daniels send Oni falling back to the ropes - and he rope-a-dopes back into the match and clobbers them both at the same time with a dual clothesline! First he pulls Daniels up and slaps his chest, sending him spinning, and then he pulls Reese up by his neck and lifts him straight into the air! Reese rakes the eyes before Oni can drop him, lands on his feet, and starts working for a single leg. He doesn’t seem to be getting far with it, but Daniels recovers and just tackles Oni football style, sending the three men up against the ropes!
Tucker: Daniels and Reese trying to work together to avoid being alone in the ring with the big man, but are two cruiserweights enough to eliminate a three hundred pounder via brute force?
Oni clings to the ropes as Daniels and Reese each grab a leg and struggle to lift him. For just a second it seems like they might have it, but Oni pushes off the ropes as hard as he can and they collapse in a pile. Oni quickly takes the advantage and clubs both smaller men, launching Daniels into the corner and then Reese in after him, and then running into them with a chest press!
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Wheezing and sneezing ♫
♫ Tenfold it blew apart ♫
♫ It halved it in half ♫
♫ And went gushing gust wind ♫
Torchwood: It’s our first competitor from outside W:UK, and it’s Random McConalogue from Tap Out Wrestling! And our fans might not be familiar, but she’s an amazing submissionist who embodies the idea of ‘tap out’ wrestling.
Fulton: Will that help her in a battle royal, though? Also she’s in there against a dude like eight times her size.
McConalogue sways a little bit as Oni looks her up and down - really mostly down. And then, unimaginatively, he just goozles her and lifts her straight up.
And McConalogue unleashes a blast of green mist straight into his face!
Oni is blinded and stunned, and McConalogue takes him over in a hurricanrana. From top mount she bends one of his arms over her leg and leans forward. Oni rolls to the side to relieve the pressure on his elbow joint, only for Random to flip him all the way over onto his belly and sit down on his shoulder joint. Oni howls, first in as much surprise as pain, but then mostly just pain as Random cranks that armbar variant as hard as she can.
Meanwhile, Reese has recovered, and he sees that Oni is well under control at the moment. Happy with this turn of events he decides to backstab Daniels and try for an elimination. But Daniels is able to turn it into a sort of throwing ‘rana of his own, sending Reese face first into the middle buckle. Daniels takes a bit of a risk using the middle rope to add height to a jump, but it goes smoothly and he slingshot dropkicks Reese in the back.
Tucker: McConalogue is another person who I personally expect to have a good showing in this battle royal, but wow, she has just pretzelized a man who weighs her by-
Fulton: Eight times, I said.
Tucker: One hundred sixty four exactly, Andrew.
Fulton: Nerd.
McConalogue switches her grip to the other arm. This time she locks her ankles around Oni’s neck and rolls her body sideways to force them together, in addition to twisting his arm against the elbow. Oni tries to power up, but with his other arm hurting he can’t get his torso high enough off the ground to get his legs under him.
Torchwood: She’ll still have to get him over the top rope, but now McConalogue is going after both Oni’s upper body strength and his endurance.
The only thing that could’ve saved Oni at this point is another wrestler. And what happens is that Reese manages a go-behind on Daniels and instead of trying for an elimination, just launches him with a release German, which happens to cause Daniels to crash into Random. The rougher than usual landing has Daniels down, the shock of having 200 lbs dropped on her head has Random down, and Reese is trying to figure out what he wants to do when…
BUZZZZ!!!No lyrics here, just brass band transitioning into thrash metal as Kalmin Watts makes his entrance. The big Oakie is nowhere near as thick as Oni, but equally tall and in much leaner shape. He jogs to the ring, sees two men and one woman down and a third man standing, and zeroes in on him.
Tucker: Kalmin Watts going straight after Preston Andre Reese!
Torchwood: You may think of an amatuer wrestler as mat-based, but don’t count out the amount of throws a man like Watts has in his arsenal, and how effective some of them may be at putting another competitor over the top rope while denying them a chance to hold on.
Reese decides to drop to his knees and hit Watts with a low blow. The problem is that Watts saw it coming the second Reese dropped and simply caught the arm as it came up. Reese, eyes wide, tries to beg off, but Watts easily turns it into a stiff side suplex. Reese covers up as he lands, being careful to stay near the center of the ring. Watts looks from Reese to Oni to Daniels, glances at McConalogue, then pushes her and Daniels aside so he can hook a waistlock on Oni. With a deep breath, Watts deadlifts Oni into the air, stalls for a few seconds, and then bridges back with a ring-shaking German suplex on the big man!
Fulton: Y’know, seems like Oni’s size might’ve made him a target.
Watts gets to one knee and starts to stand, when-
THWACK!A superkick from Daniels takes Watts off his pins, and then an unnecessarily flippity enzuigiri variant collapses Watts to the mat.
Daniels turns around and McConalogue launches herself at him with a rugby tackle! Daniels goes down and McConalogue is immediately after his leg, looking for a heel hook! Daniels sees it coming and kicks with his free leg, managing to get loose before she sinks the hold. McConalogue fires up by jumping on Daniels with a guillotine choke, which she starts trying to transition into a butterfly hold.
Meanwhile, Reese sees this as a chance to do some damage on Watts. He grabs Watts by the hair and pulls him back to the turnbuckle and sets up a Diamond Dust. But Watts isn’t as worn down by two kicks to the head as Reese had counted on, and finds himself being held on Watts shoulders! Watts however can’t figure out which way to try and drop Reese before Oni forces the issue with a headbutt to the midsection and a big boot.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ You make me vicious ♫
♫ Watch as I make the pain my mistress ♫
♫ You can call me Miss Malicious, I’ll dress you up in stitches ♫
♫ No I cannot resist this ♫
Tucker: Dakota Jennings! An XHF legend making her return to wrestling right here in W:UK!
The W:UK fans haven’t decided what they make of Jennings yet as she jumps up on the ring apron but, seeing Oni staring her down, hesitates to enter. However, Oni turns back on Watts and Reese stays in the corner collecting himself. Daniels looks to be fighting loose from McConalogue, and Jennings enters and stomps Daniels on the back of the head, allowing McConalogue to fully cinch in the underhook lock. Quickly she turns on Reese, hitting a running dropkick in the corner. Reese slumps and Jennings begins trying to eliminate him, first forcing one leg over the top rope and then alternately trying to get the other leg up and pounding on him with her fists until he quits fighting back. Reese still has too much left and he pounds back, eventually getting his leg down and kicking her backwards, then hitting a running cross body.
The match just kind of breaks down in a brawl at this point. Daniels manages to score on McConalogue with a headbutt, breaks free of the underhook and starts laying in forearm smashes as McConalogue tries to tighten up the bodyscissor enough to do damage. Oni and Watts end up on their feet in the middle of the ring exchanging blows - it’s not Watts’ preferred style of wrestling but McConalogue’s arm work on Oni took enough mustard out of his strikes that it’s even. And Reese and Jennings continue to scrap in the corner, taking turns trying to get enough momentum to force an elimination.
Tucker: Surprisingly we haven’t seen any eliminations so far, usually the first two are pretty quick.
Fulton: Yeah well in a lot of places there’d have been thirty wrestlers and at least ten of them would’ve just been elimination fodder. W:UK is elite brah, this battle royale could take all night!
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Let me know that I’ve done wrong ♫
♫ When I’ve known this all along ♫
♫ I go around a time or two ♫
♫ Just to waste my time with you ♫
Tucker: Now we’ve got Kirsty Mascara coming to the ring at the Lucky Number Seven spot. She was actually the smallest competitor in W:UK until Pepper Hutchinson signed, and she’s the smallest wrestler in the match. She hasn’t been super-successful in W:UK so far, but let’s see what she’s got.
Mascara slides into the ring. Daniels has already been stomped once by a newly-entering wrestler, so as soon as he sees her coming he rolls himself and McConalogue over, so Kirsty’s leaping knee drop mostly hits McConalogue in the back of the head. Finally free of McConalogue’s clutches, Daniels slides backwards into a corner and tries to catch his breath while Mascara unloads on McConalogue. She pulls McConalogue up, and then the two of them are literally bowled out of the way by Oni and Watts! Oni hits the ropes back first, Watts begins trying to push him over the top, McConalogue and Mascara quickly end their fight to try and help.
Tucker: Oni’s wobbling, they’ve got him all the way up in the air! Here come Reese and Jennings!
Everyone but Daniels is straining to eliminate Oni - except no, Reese hits Watts from behind and tries to send them both over! But when the biggest man is taken out of the equation the whole effort collapses in a pile. Random, Jennings and Mascara all begin whaling on Reese as best they can, he gets Irish whipped off the ropes and double back dropped by Random and Jennings, and then the two of them flapjack Mascara across his body.
Watts has gotten up, and you’ll have to ask him why he did this, but Daniels launches himself at Watts instead of Oni with a big spinning heel kick. Daniels tries to set Watts up for the Mind Eraser. Watts tries to counter with a Northern Lights, but he’s getting tired and Daniels turns it into a big DDT. Daniels pulls Watts up, leans him against the ropes, and then does a handspring into a big spinning kick that completely misses as Watts slips out of the way.
Torchwood: As I’ve alluded to before, Watts is a very serious sportsman, and that kind of attitude tends to work well against compulsive showboats like Daniels and his tag partner of the unpronounceable name.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Ants are in the sugar ♫
♫ Muscles atrophied ♫
♫ We’re on the other side ♫
♫ The screen is us and we’re TV ♫
Fulton: Now you want to talk about big men. Oni’s big. Mormo and Moloch are big. Carlton Gluck is big. But Tarrasque is the biggest.
Torchwood: Six foot seven and almost as wide as he is tall, but possessed of a rather simple mindset that doesn’t truly realize what he’s capable of even when he’s doing it.
Tarrasque roars into the ring and into a wall of fighters. Oni is front and center with a big boot, Watts with some double fist sledges, Daniels with a superkick, Jennings with a superkick, even Mascara gets in on it with a dropkick. Tarrasque fights back with standing clotheslines. One clothesline to the side of Oni’s head, a second one, the not-quite-as-big man stumbles to a knee, and Watts comes in with a high sledge that lands perfectly on Tarrasque’s upper chest. The weight of the big man buckles the top rope - and Tarrasque topples over and out of the ring!
Tucker: And the biggest man is the first one out!
Daniels hits Oni with a roundhouse kick under the jaw that propels him back to his feet, steps back, and delivers a shuffle superkick that sends Oni over the top rope!
Torchwood: And there goes the other one!
Suddenly there’s a lot more room in the match. Reese is chopping McConalogue in the far corner of the ring, Daniels and Watts look at each other, and it looks for a second like Mascara’s about to eliminate Jennings, but Jennings repels off the top rope with the ‘Cross-Dimensional Travel’ springboard dropkick to send Mascara flying!
As soon as Daniels sees that Watts’ attention is on him, he goes low. His amatuer wrestling pedigree is nothing compared to Watts’, but he does know the basics.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Feel the weight of a martyr ♫
♫ It could all be yours ♫
♫ CUT DOWN THE ALTAR! ♫
Tucker: And here we’ve got Devon D’Andre! Formerly from SWAT and only recently arrived in W:UK.
Torchwood: He’s got a lot of raw potential. Will he realize it in this match?
D’Andre stalls about getting in the ring. Meanwhile, Watts has Daniels backed up against the ropes. With McConalogue down in the corner and the fight between Mascara and Jennings ongoing, Reese decides to take another shot at a cheap elimination, moving in on Watts.
What he didn’t count on was for Daniels to warn Watts.
Watts stays low and pivots, planting an Oklahoma Hammer into Reese’s midsection. With the wind well knocked out of Reese, instead of trying for the Sooner Squeeze, Watts Irish whips Reese towards Daniels, who simply ducks and back drops him up and over the top rope!
Tucker: Reese is outta there!
Fulton: No! He grabbed the top rope!
Reese lands on the apron. Daniels tries to kick him down to the floor but he stubbornly forces his way back in under the ropes. Watts moves in, and whether he’s being backstabbing or just nervous, either way Daniels pivots and dropkicks Watts’ knee out. Looking around the ring to make sure nobody’s in position to do anything, Daniels lionsaults onto Watts - well onto Watts’ knees. Watts is still a bit hurt from it, but Daniels ends up on his knees but doubled over clutching his ribcage. This is when D’Andre makes his entrance, diving on Watts and pummeling him with fists.
Across the ring, Mascara tries to hit the Secret Drop on Jennings, but Jennings manages to counter it with her own finisher, the DKO MK II! Mascara stays face down on the mat. Jennings looks from Mascara to Daniels to McConalogue, and decides to go for the elimination on Daniels. She pulls him up by the hair and sets up the DKO MK II on him. But Daniels manages to fight out of it and pushes Jennings to the ropes. She turns around RIGHT INTO A SUPERKICK that takes her over the top and out!
Fulton: And the XHF big name takes a spill from the anti-XHF dude! Big feelgoods for Daniels right there!
Meanwhile, McConalogue comes up behind an unsuspecting D’Andre. She grabs his hair to bend him backwards and before he knows what’s coming, she’s planted him into the mat with the Diceroll! A dazed D’Andre is pulled to his feet and flung over the ropes!
Tucker: And Random McConalogue puts up her first elimination! I know eliminations don’t count for anything besides bragging rights, but right now Daniels has two to his name, with McConalogue and Watts having one each.
BUZZZZ!!!
“Oh, am I doing the Nicolas Cage thing?”
♫ She want me to steal the Declaration ♫
♫ Said I wouldn’t but I gave in ♫
♫ Her daddy rich but I’m makin the payments ♫
“Honest” Nic Cage appears atop the ramp with a random referee and a security guard who appear to be telling him that yes, it’s his time to enter the match, and no, he can’t simply wait, and no, he can’t trade places with Wesley Rage either. Cage stalls as much as he can walking down the ramp.
Daniels, Reese, Watts and McConalogue all look exhausted, Daniels and Reese maybe a little bit more so than the others. But since Watts has generally made an effort not to lay hands on the women, and Daniels and Reese are staring each other down, McConalogue decides to go for the easy elimination, tossing Kirsty Mascara from the ring.
Nic Cage is up on the apron as McConalogue waits in the corner to see what everyone else is going to do.
Tucker: We’ve almost got a stalemate here, as nobody in the ring wants to make the first move and leave themselves open, and Cage doesn’t want in the ring at all. Also, McConalogue just got her second elimination.
Torchwood: There aren’t really any good team ups right now, are there? Nobody’s going to trust Reese, Daniels has scrapped with both Watts and McConalogue, I really don’t see Watts wanting a team-up with McConalogue, and nobody’s going to trust Cage there.
Watts realizes what’s going on. He points at Daniels and starts forward. Daniels takes a deep breath and goes low again. This time Watts easily switches from sprawl to back mount, pulls Daniels up by a waistlock and tries to carry him to the ropes. Daniels gets both feet on the top rope and uses the momentum to flip off Watts’ shoulders and land behind him. He turns and fires a superkick, not at Watts but at Reese. Cage slowly enters the ring and retreats to a corner as Daniels tries a superkick on McConalogue, but she counters it with a dragon screw. She’s tired enough that she can’t immediately follow up with a submission attempt. Watts points at Cage, who tries to beg off. However, Cage is a lot fresher than Watts, and he ducks Watts’ grapple attempt and smashes him with a back elbow. Watts staggers back and Cage hops to the middle rope, then missile dropkicks Watts to the mat.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Gravedigger, gravedigger, send me on my way ♫
♫ Release me to this earth ♫
♫ Within this shallow grave ♫
Fulton: WELL OH MY GOD SON LOOK WHO’S BACK!
Torchwood: Ronnie Long is healed from his broken arm, medically cleared, and he’s making his way down to ringside!
One knife edge chop from Long knocks Cage flat. Cage decides that ‘flat’ is a safe enough place to be and stays there. He proceeds to knock McConalogue flat with a chop. Daniels tries to do something, but whatever it is, he doesn’t have the energy to not telegraph it. Long ducks his swing and hits him with the Long Shot! Long pulls Daniels up and sends him off the ropes. Daniels catches the ropes and drops. Long sees it coming and puts on the breaks, turns around and eats a tackle from Watts. Watts attempts to apply the Sooner Squeeze, but Long catches his leg coming down and slips through the hold. Reese comes up behind Long and clubs him from behind.
And Long just turns around to glare at Reese.
Reese freezes in indecision, and so Long grabs him by the neck and hurls him into the turnbuckle. Reese stumbles out and Long hits the tilt-a-whirl gutbuster. Long grabs Reese by the neck and starts backing him towards the ropes, but McConalogue comes in from the side with a sliding kick that topples Long sideways and frees Reese, who falls back coughing.
McConalogue hits Long with the Shoe Event Horizon as he rises. The first one only has a moderate effect, but the second one sends him wobbling, and she manages to take him up and over with a German suplex!
Tucker: Not a lot of lift on that one, McConalogue has been in the ring for about twenty minutes and Ronnie Long’s a big man, but she did get him over.
Fulton: And didn’t drop him on her own face. I’ve see it happen, bro! Not from her, but I’ve seen it and it’s funny as hell.
Meanwhile, Reese had slugged Watts from behind and the two men ended up in the corner. Watts is seated and Reese is holding the top rope with both hands for leverage and laying in the stomps. It’s not illegal and so Reese just keeps stomping until Watts isn’t fighting back. He looks around the ring. Daniels is slowly getting up, McConalogue is trying to apply an armbar to Long but he’s got his hands linked and she can’t break his grip. Before he can decide what to do though…
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Let it rain, let it rain, oh won’t you let it rain ♫
♫ Let the storm rage, let the river run high ♫
♫ Let it rain, let it rain, oh won’t you let it rain ♫
♫ Baptized in a river of fire ♫
The Baroness, Sinclair Godfrey, makes her way out of the back. She’s ready for battle and doesn’t hesitate to roll in under the ropes.
Tucker: It hasn’t come up so far, but we’ve got faction issues in this match as well. Reese and Cage, as well as Wesley Rage who’s yet to enter, representing the High Roller’s Club. Sinclair Godfrey and later The Sheik representing Donzig-Gun. And if Daniels survives long enough, his tag partner Lee Scott Rothlesberger is also in this match.
Watts has tried to avoid mixing it up with women, but Godfrey pushes the issue. She half-nelson suplexes Reese out of the corner and begins laying in on Watts with some stomps of her own. She then uses the middle ropes to vault up, and lands on Watts’ chest with a modified meteora. Watts is a lot of weight for Godfrey to lift by herself, and so she grabs Daniels by the hair, pulls him over and demands that he help her. Daniels, with nothing better to do, does it. The two of them begin trying to force Watts up over the turnbuckle. As he continues to resist, Godfrey yells over her shoulder at Long and McConalogue, but they’re still battling over that armbar. Cage is still hanging out in the corner.
Torchwood: Notice that The Baroness may be willing to demand help, but she won’t do it from the High Rollers, and likewise Cage isn’t interested in helping her.
Watts finally gets some leverage to force Godfrey and Daniels to step back, and he gets his feet on the ground. Before he can try to go on the offensive, however, Godfrey clocks him with a spin kick! The fans gasp as Watts spins and comes out of the corner, head and arms dangling over the top rope. Daniels clotheslines him from behind, and Watts spills over the top rope, but holds on for dear life and somehow gets his feet under him on the apron. He shoulderblocks Godfrey through the ropes - even there his face makes it clear he didn’t like the necessity. She stumbles back, but Daniels throws a superkick - that Watts pulls in! Cradle suplex! Watts delivers it so he lands on his back on the apron and quickly rolls under the bottom rope, while Daniels hits the floor!
Fulton: Daniels is outta there! HYOOJ elimination for Kalmin Watts!
Watts can’t even make it back to his feet because Godfrey is there with a running knee. Instead of trying to muscle the big guy out of the ring herself, Godfrey decides to get involved with Long and McConalogue. She stomps Long on the face, and begins pulling on his other arm!
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Show me how to lie you’re getting farther all the time ♫
♫ And turning all against the one is an art that’s hard to teach ♫
♫ Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd ♫
♫ And as you step back into line a mob jumps to their feet ♫
If Jeffrey Daniels looked frustrated and angry at being eliminated, hearing his tag partner’s music start just after he hit the ground made it even worse. Nonetheless he fist bumps Lee Scott Rothlesberger as the other half of the New Untouchables jogs to the ring. LSR runs along the apron, jumps to the top rope, and comes off with a moonsault on Godfrey! This somehow gives Long a shot of energy and he slowly curls the arm McConalogue is latched onto until he can break the hold. Reese and Cage try a double clothesline on LSR, but he cartwheels to break their lariat, then bounces a roundhouse kick to Cage into a hook kick for Reese. LSR throws a superkick at Watts. Watts, who’s had these superkicks scouted, catches it, only for LSR to turn it into an “inverted superkick” (that is, a “sole food” jawbreaker). LSR then bolts at Godfrey, hitting her with a spinning heel kick in the corner turned into a single arm facebuster.
Fulton: Got DANG bro fucking pace yourself!
Tucker: Lee Scott Rothlesberger in like a house of fire, but he’s also seemingly singled out The Baroness as his prime target, which - let’s just say there may be repercussions for that down the line.
McConalogue may have been playing a bit of possum as LSR went on his rampage, but with his attention fully on Godfrey, she scans the ring. Watts is down, but big. Cage is up, but chasing him down would be more trouble than it’s worth. Long is down, but big. Reese is up, exhausted, and distracted as he tries to work over Long with Cage half-heartedly helping. She plows into Reese from behind with a European uppercut, and hits Cage with an enzuigiri. With Reese staggered she chickenwings his arms behind him - “Babel Fish Argument” tiger suplex! Now normally she either bridges it normally or keeps rolling through for a rainbow bridge. This time, though, she rolls through and brings him all the way back to his feet - a release German suplex that drapes Reese across the ropes! And a picture perfect pele kick to the head that sends Reese limply down to the apron and out to the floor.
Torchwood: That’s a third elimination by McConalogue! Reese had something of a marathon run going as he entered second.
Fulton: I just realized something. The first two enter at the same time, so it’s really like they’re both entering first. So shouldn’t the third person actually be second, and the fourth the third, and so on?
Torchwood: Andrew, stop trying to deconstruct the time-honored tropes of this great sport. We’ve been through this.
Fulton: Weak.
Watts, having recovered, decides to try and eliminate Long rather than go after McConalogue. Long shakes his left arm out, trying to get the feeling back into it, but he’s right-handed anyway. And instead of trying to block the wrestling takedowns with technical skill, he decides to fight it with brawling. Bringing back his right arm for a haymaker he surprises Watts with a lead elbow and then lands the haymaker. He grabs Watts by the neck for his choke toss, but Watts had that scouted and uses it to get a bodylock takedown. Pins aren’t good for anything in a battle royal though, and Long’s too strong and fresh for being put in a hold.
McConalogue ignores the men to move in on the fight between Godfrey and LSR, hitting LSR with a Shoe Event Horizon from behind. With a smile Godfrey pulls LSR and pushes him into the ropes. McConalogue moves into position to help when Godfrey grins. A W:UK native might recognize that look, but McConalogue doesn’t - and so her eyes are wide open to receive a face full of black mist! With McConalogue blinded and flailing it only takes a bit of a push from Godfrey to send her out of the ring.
Tucker: Oh man, The Baroness got Random!
Torchwood: She’s a sly minx, she is, although I would’ve waited until she’d helped me get rid of Rothlesberger.
Tucker: Still, a great showing for Random McConalogue, lasting close to 20 minutes and three total eliminations. Kalmin Watts is still in the marathon, but everyone else left is a johnny-come-lately.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Come down and join the circus ♫
♫ It's the end of your world ♫
♫ Come down and join the circus ♫
♫ All you dead boys and girls ♫
Tucker: And here comes Esmerelda Von Krauss, and you have to wonder if she chose to enter to the Von Krauss dynasty theme just to annoy Armand.
Fulton: There’s been a LOT of drama around Esme lately. Like, too much to recap.
You wouldn’t know that Esmerelda had been kicked out of her stable looking at her demeanor, which seems to suggest that she’s entirely content and this battle royale is, at best, a mildly interesting diversion. Godfrey glares at her balefully as she enters, but doesn’t attack.
Torchwood: Well, falling out with the Von Krauss dynasty has Esmerelda an unlikely ally of Donzig-gun, but clearly Sinclair Godfrey is not willing to forget their history.
In fact, Godfrey gets back to what she was doing before she turned on McConalogue - attacking LSR. EVK joins in, with Godfrey tying LSR up in a lotus lock while EVK gets down on her knees and delivers a series of palm strikes LSR can’t defend against. Sinclair releases the hold and throws LSR backwards so he’s hanging from the ropes, and EVK follows it with her “Justice” leaping palm to flip him backwards over the top ropes and out of the ring.
Tucker: LSR got some good licks in, but he ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now Sinclair and Esmerelda scanning the match for another victim.
Godfrey kicks Long down from behind and the women pull Watts to his feet. EVK applies a Nikajo Wristlock to one arm, and with a bit of direction from her Godfrey applies a Nikajo to the other arm! With Watts doubled over and unable to defend himself, the women take turns delivering knee smashes to his face. They then switch places without letting go of Watts’ arms, applying a double cutthroat, lifting him onto their backs into a kind of double cross arm Gory special, then releasing his arms to grab his legs, catapaulting him face first into the mat!
The women then turn on Long, but Long has seen what happened to LSR and Watts, and as soon as EVK grabs his wrist, he yanks her forward into a headbutt! Handing out knife edge chops like his life depends on it (and it probably does), Long manages to knock Godfrey clear of him and back EVK to the ropes. But she isn’t as weakened as he thought, and when he tries to clothesline her out of the ring, she rolls with it and catches him, first in a hanging triangle choke, and then she repositions her legs to wrap around the rope as well. Godfrey gets in on helping by jumping on Long’s back, forcing his neck deeper into the choke and harder on the rope.
Tucker: With this kind of double-teaming, Sinclair and EVK have a genuine chance to run the match! There’s either three or five more wrestlers to enter depending on whether Mr. Blood found two extras to make it 20 men, and they’ve done a lot of damage quickly to everyone in the match!
Fulton: I’m willing to make off-color comments about their looks - because I think Sinclair Godfrey is FIEN - but you want to know why I don’t do stay in the kitchen jokes? Well just look at what’s happening in the ring. You tell Sinclair to get in the kitchen and she’ll do it - long enough to grab a twelve inch skillet and fucking brain you with it bro! And don’t even get me started on what EVK can do with needles!
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ Who dat who dat who dat is? ♫
♫ Coming in the back talking slick ♫
♫ Tell me cuz I like that I like that ♫
♫ Yeah I know what to do with your boy ♫
Fulton: So serious question - is it legit to objectify the female talent if they’re literal porn stars?
Tucker: Maybe just call the match and don’t worry about it?
Fulton: Weak.
Torchwood: If you’d stop, Ai Moe is on her way out - and whoever said Kirsty Mascara was the smallest in the match was wrong. However, Moe’s got a surprising amount of muscle on that tiny frame of hers, and she gets it done in the ring.
Ai Moe almost bounces down the ramp as her upbeat song plays. And she enters with top tier lucharesu nonsense. She starts a springboard, turns around in mid-air, lands seating on the top rope, uses that to bounce herself into a backflip, catches EVK with a legscissor and starts spinning, stretching her arms out to gain speed, until she flings EVK halfway across the ring! She’s also so short that she barely has to duck Godfrey’s clothesline attempt, and she ties Godfrey up in an abdominal stretch.
And then she somehow performs a bump and grind dance without turning loose the abdominal stretch!
Fulton: Holy shit bro.
Torchwood: Some female grapplers would prefer not to receive any attention at all for their looks, some don’t seek it but don’t protest it either, and some embrace it. Ai Moe, however, takes things a step further and exploits it.
Kalmin Watts and Ronnie Long both look at this. EVK is completely dizzied in the corner and Moe is getting her fanservice on and making a clearly humiliated Godfrey part of it. The two men come to a non-verbal agreement. ‘Let’s just keep punching each other and hope this other stuff sorts itself out.’ And so they do.
Moe decides to turn up the heat - no, I meant that in a start doing more high octane offense way, not fanservice way. She rolls the abdominal stretch to the mat, uses it to roll Godfrey all the way up to her knees, and then from the ground lands a roundhouse kick to the forehead. Godfrey goes falling backwards, almost lying on the mat with her knees bent under her. Moe follows by doing a front flip hip drop on Godfrey. Leaving her lying there she goes after EVK. When Moe, at 5 feet, jumps to apply a guillotine choke to the 6 foot 3 EVK, it looks a little like she’s climbing a tree. But EVK’s knees buckle one at a time, when-
BUZZZZ!!!
(For the authentic Woke Wesley Rage experience, turn the playback speed to 0.25)
No lyrics here - everyone knows them and they’re so distorted they can barely be understood anyway. Wesley Rage makes his way down the ramp looking furious - par for the course. In the ring, Nic Cage perks up.
Tucker: We’ve got another member of the High Rollers Club heading out to the ring right now, and unlike what happened with the New Untouchables, his tag partner’s still in the ring.
Torchwood: Plus, Wesley Rage is the fiery half of Rage N Cage, so we can expect to see more energy out of Cage now that he’s got his brother in the ring.
And Rage decides to focus his first attack on Ai Moe!
Fulton: What the hell bro?
Rage is screaming. Something about Moe taking advantage of white privilege, appropriating sex work, and being a gender traitor for encouraging both objectivism in male viewers and contributing to East Asian fetishism which itself is a tool of the cishetero whiteriarchy. Or something along those lines. He hits Moe with a running knee from behind - EVK absorbs some of it too since Moe was hanging from her neck at the time. Meanwhile, after the damage Moe did to her, Godfrey isn’t in any position to keep Cage from setting up and delivering Two Rogers Don’t Make a Right! It’s what he calls the Canadian Destroyer. Rage comes over to help and the two men throw Godfrey straight over the top rope.
Tucker: You know, I’m beginning to think that Wesley Rage may be something of a hypocrite.
Now Rage and Cage turn and move in on EVK. Halfway choked out, she doesn’t put up much defense as again both men grab her by the head and throw her out of the ring.
Torchwood: Rage and Cage now have two half-eliminations each after getting rid of EVK, and this might be a shot across the nose of Donzig-gun.
Rage and Cage turn back on Ai Moe now. But over in the corner where Watts was trying to lay elbows in on Long, Long raises his hands. Watts backs off, Long points. The two march across the ring, and before Rage and Cage can lay hands on Moe, Long has grabbed Rage from behind and thrown him across the ring in a release German suplex, while Watts scoops Cage up and plants him with a pendulum backbreaker. As Moe sits trying to get her pins together, Long picks up Rage again and runs him across the ring, while Watts sends Cage off the ropes, clubs him in the ribs with the Oklahoma Hammer and then takes him to the mat in the Sooner Squeeze! Cage makes a rather amusing show of screaming and flailing.
BUZZZZ!!!The Sheik is already ready for battle, his body wrapped in barbed wire. He pushes through security attempting to stop him. Running to ringside he grabs a chair and throws it into the ring. Then another chair is thrown in! Then a third chair! And then he grabs the ring bell and slides in! Barely bothering to aim, he hits Long on the shoulder with the bell, then a glancing blow to Rage’s head, and then he just throws the bell at Watts before grabbing the chair. He sets it up, grabs a second chair, takes a running start, jumps off it, over Watts and slams into Cage with an Arabian facebuster
Tucker: The Great King of Terror is here!
Fulton: He’s an absolute madlad, and any time he gets near a wrestling ring he turns it into chaos.
The Sheik puts a chair on Rage, backs off, then does a flipping splash onto the chair that’s on Rage.
Torchwood: The only thing about the Sheik is, you have to ask yourself does he know the rules of the match, or does he even care? He’s big, he’s fresh, and he’s laid waste to the ring, but he’s more interested in throwing weapons around and diving off things than anything else.
Now out of everyone in the ring, Long finds himself in the best position to stand up and do something about the Sheik. And although he’s tried to avoid it here in W:UK (in fact for years before he ever made it to the XHF), Long’s had a ton of experience with hardcore wrestling. He grabs a chair and hurls it at the Sheik’s back. The Sheik turns around and points at the ceiling. Long steps forward until the two are face to face, and spreads his arms in the crucifix.
Tucker: I don’t suppose there are all that many Coalition of Affiliated League fans still watching wrestling these days, but if there’s any of them, they’ve probably just got chills.
The Sheik lashes out with a punch, and his wildman shots are landing faster than Long’s powerful but slow haymakers, and a knife edge chop only serves to irritate the Sheik. The Sheik backs Long up towards the ropes when Ai Moe gets to her feet. Running up behind him, she jumps onto his shoulders, blows a kiss at Long, and delivers a reverse ‘rana to the Sheik. The Sheik actually stands up from the momentum and impact, only to flop backwards head over heels.
Fulton: She’s a messenger of love!
Wesley Rage then lurches off the mat, chop blocking Long. He grabs Moe by the hair, brings her up roughly for a powerbomb and launches her over the top rope! Very luckily Moe lands on her feet, but she’s still totally eliminated.
Fulton: And Wesley Rage is a dick and I hate him.
Rage turns around into a low blow by Long. But it doesn’t affect him! He powers Long back into the corner. The only problem with that is that Long, recovered from the shock, pushes Rage back to the middle of the ring.
BUZZZZ!!!Japanese metal does not fuck around. Also no lyrics because they’re not in English.
Tucker: Takaru Matsui of Neon Bushido may just be entering the last spot, and we are down to our final six. His tag partner Oni may be long gone, but he’s still in a good position.
Matsui slides in. Rage N Cage are huddled up in one corner. Matsui and the Sheik exchange nods. Long looks at Watts. A finger wag from himself to Watts and back again proposes an alliance. Watts confirms it with a nod.
Tucker: Good thinking by Watts and Long to make sure they’re not alone when everyone else has an ally.
All six men meet in the center and it’s an utter brawl. Even Cage is getting his knuckles dirty for a change - he’s been in for quite a while and the finishing line is in sight, so he jumps Matsui. Rage finds himself unable to bring himself to go after an oppressed PoC like the Sheik, and the Japanese may not be that oppressed but they’re not white, so he goes after Watts. And the Sheik and Long square off, with Long grabbing a handful of the barbed wire Sheik wrapped himself in and using it to punch him in the head, starting the blood flow.
The only thing is, with the match broken down in this way, nobody quite has the ability to eliminate anyone. Rage makes a good effort on Watts that wouldn’t have worked if Watts wasn’t running on fumes, but even though he gets Watts over the top rope it’s with no momentum and Rage has to let Watts back in rather than risk getting suplexed out of the ring a la Jeffrey Daniels hours ago. The Sheik is not making any effort to throw Long out, he’s just fine with brawling and spilling blood. In fact, now the barbed wire has the two men tied together as they struggle.
Lastly is the fight between Cage and Matsui, and between Cage’s fatigue and Matsui’s shoot kicks, things look pretty bad for Cage. Matsui lands a sole butt that doubles Cage over, and he backs off and delivers a Kinshasa!
Torchwood: Takaru Matsui in a great position to secure an elimination, but can he capitalize?
BUZZZZ!!!Torchwood: Wait, what?
Tucker: I guess Mr. Blood did find two more people after all.
Fulton: So play the music, don’t keep us in suspense!
The action in the ring even dies down. Then…
Rrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssseeeee
Tucker: Oh no. Oh, no.
Chapps Gluck, brimming with animalistic fury, stomps out of the back.
Fulton: I thought he was in jail! How the hell is he here?!
Torchwood: A third man for the High Rollers Club at the last second? I wonder if this has less to do with Mr. Blood and more with Wesley Crane.
Chapps jumps to the ring apron and then over the ropes. Matsui tries to cut him off with a kick, Chapps counters with a spinning fisherman’s buster! He runs across the ring and cannonballs into Long and the Sheik. The Sheik is thrown with a spinning side belly to belly Gluckplex. Long is spun around and dropped on the back of his neck with a half hatch suplex! Chapps turns on Watts - and Watts is ready! The fans pop as Watts ties up with Chapps and both men nearly go all the way down to the mat. But Chapps is much fresher, a bit bigger, and willing to cheat, and he jabs Watts in the eyes, spins around and German Gluckplexes Watts out of his boots. Rage helps Cage up and just tells him to chill.
Tucker: Rage and Cage aren’t even having to lift a finger right now! An atomic bomb named Chapps Gluck just went off in the ring.
Long tries to get up, but Chapps clotheslines him down. Watts tries to get up, but Chapps pulls him into a head clutch elbow that drops him. The Sheik takes a knee lift to the midsection followed by a stalling K-Lift.
Tucker: And credit where it’s due he’s a specimen, but I’m just sick of the thought of the High Roller’s club ruining this great match here in the end.
BUZZZZ!!!
♫ The voice inside succeeds ♫
♫ The quiet whispers have now ♫
♫ Turned to violent screams ♫
Torchwood: It’s Donzig!
Tucker: The High Rollers Club have been all over Donzig-gun, between Rage N Cage throwing Sinclair Godfrey out of this match and Chapps diving off the balcony on Mormo and then nearly scalping Moloch with a chair. And Donzig is so clearly done with this shit!
Fulton: I think the fans are cheering. Are they cheering Donzig? I think they are.
Donzig runs to the ring full speed. He slides in, ducks Chapps’ clothesline, hits the far ropes, and rebounds with a leaping punch!
Fulton: Was that fist loaded?
Chapps goes reeling back. Donzig grabs a fallen chair. Not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth Watts slaps Long on the chest, and the two of them rush Rage N Cage. Donzig grabs a fallen chair, winds up, and…
CLAAAANG!Tucker: Donzig just BROKE that folding chair over the head of Chapps Gluck! And Chapps is still on his feet!
But Donzig falls back to the ropes, runs full speed at Chapps with his arm extended for a lariat. Chapps is forced over the top rope, with Donzig’s own momentum carrying him out as well.
Fulton: Does - does this mean that Donzig and Gluck are eliminated?
Donzig has the advantage of surprise and of a chair shot, but Chapps is still fighting back, albeit with enough wind out of his sails that it’s an even slugfest between the two men. Security comes running to break it up…
…and two figures hop the barricade on the other side of the ring.
Tucker: It’s the Bastards! Frank Windsor and Rob Riot! What are they doing?
They’re actually keeping low, up against the ring apron, out of sight of the men in the ring.
Meanwhile, Rage kicks Watts right in the balls. With Cage’s help they dump Watts over the top rope. Again, he hangs onto the top and lands on the apron. Rage instructs Cage to stay in the ring, and Cage grabs the top rope and tries to use it as leverage to push Watts off the apron. Meanwhile Rage drops and rolls under the bottom rope, then stands on the apron. Bearhugging the bottom rope, Watts manages to kick Cage in the knee, but Rage from behind starts pulling Watts to his feet.
Ronnie Long sees this and tries to help, but the barbed wire tying him and the Sheik together catches, slamming them into each other.
Tucker: Rage N Cage look to have an elimination set up on Watts here. Rage can’t be eliminated even though he’s on the apron since he didn’t go over the top.
But Watts hangs onto the top rope and kicks Rage backward. Rage tries to come back, but Watts gives him a mighty shove. Rage flies backwards into the ringpost and nearly falls to the floor. And in the ring suddenly Cage is in trouble. Watts hooks him for the vertical suplex.
And that’s when Windsor strikes. He jumps up and slams his forearm into Watts’ knee. The suplex is executed, Cage is lifted over the top rope and down to the ground… but Watts, who’s been wrestling for nearly a half an hour, falls backwards and off the apron.
The fans boo loudly.
Tucker: Kalmin Watts just got eliminated after the performance of the night, and the fans are furious! Frank Windsor should be ashamed of himself, he’s getting pelted with garbage and rightfully so!
In fact, Windsor doesn’t appear ashamed at all. The only thing that appears to bother either Bastard is having to jump out of the way as Donzig and Chapps Gluck come stumbling out of wherever. Cage grabs hold of Donzig’s ankles and Chapps slowly begins to take the advantage. And the Sheik, who has finally yanked the last bits of his barbed wire away from Long’s body, grabs the last remaining chair in the ring. His eyes open wide he runs the far ropes, holds the chair above his head, and goes over the top with a tope con hilo, putting the chair behind his back as he does! The chair followed by the man lands on top of the Donzig/Gluck/Cage/Watts pile (actually Watts misses most of it, just getting bowled over).
Torchwood: I suppose the Sheik saw too many enemies in the same place and couldn’t resist, but he’s eliminated.
Rage and Long have tied up near the ropes and it looks like Long is about to overpower Rage. And then Matsui, who’s been hiding in plain sight just by crouching in the corner, suddenly explodes into action! He leaps with both knees extended, slamming into both Rage and Long. Both men tumble over the top rope!
But.
Rage hits the floor. But where Watts saw what happened, he reaches out and grabs Long’s leg as he topples over the rope. His momentum halted, Long lands on the apron but does NOT fall to the floor.
Fulton: Oh come on man, Watts just robbed Matsui!
Tucker: All the nonsense that’s happened in the last five minutes and THAT’s the part you’re going to get bent out of shape over?
Torchwood: Matsui thinks he’s won!
Long rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope. He shakes his head to clear it. Matsui turns just as Long steps forward…
Western Lariat!
The move connects with a crunch and Matsui is knocked for a literal loop. Long pulls Matsui to his feet, hoists him overhead in a gorilla press, and deposits him over the top and outside the ring!
DING! DING! DING!Salazar: Here is your winner - RONNIE! LOOOOOONNNNGGGG!!!
Outside the ring, the Bastards were celebrating, but on hearing Frank Salazar’s voice, Riot’s expression turns to sheer dismay. He looks up at the ring as Long leans over the ropes.
Tucker: What a way to return from injury! Long’s been in contendership for the Commonwealth Championship, and he’s a former NPW Openweight Champion, but now he’s got a shot at the big one.
Torchwood: And not only that, the man who put him out of action for three months has a chance tonight to walk away with the Heavyweight Championship!
Long points at his arm, then at Riot.
Fulton: If you even remotely thought it was over between Ronnie Long and Rob Riot, lads, maybe don’t watch pro wrestling anymore. And how about things going into high gear between the High Rollers Club and Donzig-gun?
Torchwood: There is going to be fallout from all of this, mark my words.
Tucker: And we’ve still got a lot more for you fans tonight! Don’t go away!
