Post by Rage and Cage on Apr 3, 2023 5:38:19 GMT -5
Nicholas Honest Cage is sitting on a couch in Rage and Cage’s suite in Wesley Crane’s hotel. He has the TV on TBS and is watching some American Dad reruns, when he sees this:
For those who did not click the link, it is about the value of sphincter insurance. The company that underwrites the policies is Dark Star Insurance. Cage does the “Leo pointing at the screen” meme. He pauses the TV, then stands up and shouts.
Cage: Wes, get in here!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks in from the kitchen wearing his recreational romper. He looks aggravated to be disturbed.
Rage: Dammit, Nic! You don’t have to yell!
Cage: Watch this shit!
Cage replays the scene in American Dad. Rage’s eyes go wide.
Rage: Holy shit!
Cage: I know!
Rage: The Dark Stars are part of the insurance-industrial complex!
Cage: And they were on American Dad!
Rage: That’s not the big takeaway! The Dark Stars are Big Insurance! They’re probably in bed with Big Oil and Big Pharma! You don’t understand!
Cage: I understand “big!” I understand that I like a chick with a big ass.
Rage: I hear that, brother!
They high-five and nod. Rage enjoys the thought, but gets back to what pissed him off.
Rage: They almost tricked me! I almost thought they were noble immigrants practicing a misunderstood religion when they were secretly the worst kind of immigrants!
Cage: Illegal?
Rage: IT’S “UNDOCUMENTED”, ASSFUCK!
Cage: You’re right. I can barely remember all the times I buttfucked a girl. I should document them more.
Rage: No, it’s about those lying Dark Stars! They’re capitalist elite who tire of exploiting their own people, so they bring that shit to America!
Cage: Don’t we work for a British company?
Rage: Shut up!
Cage: Okay, jeez. You’re the one who moved the conversation away from buttfucking.
Rage can’t even and begins stomping around. Cage reaches in between the cushions and pulls out a baggie with gummies in it.
Cage: Bro, you need a couple of these.
Cage holds out two of the gummies. Rage snatches them and eats them. He smacks his lips and looks confused.
Rage: These taste weird.
Cage: Well, they’re “special” gummies.
Rage: I know that. I mean that they’re different. They don’t taste like they normally do…Wait, are these fucking indicas?
Cage: …they were on discount.
Rage: These won’t fucking help! A body high won’t calm me down!
Cage: They help me wrestle! I take them before our big matches, so getting thrown around the ring hurts less.
Rage: Is that why you couldn’t kick out when we lost to the Bastards?
Cage: I took way too many that night, but it’s not my fault! It was a tag team gauntlet!
Rage glares at Cage and resumes his stomping.
Rage: What a waste! These would have been better after going to the gym.
Cage: Go now!
Rage: Nic, do you realize how stupid that sounds?
Cage: No, it’s like steroids. Your body won’t know how hard it’s working, then you pump more and get stronger!
Rage: That’s not how it works!
Cage: Would I lie to you?
Rage: No, but you can “stupid as shit” to me.
Cage: That’s true.
Cage nods as his brother has him there. Rage remembers that he forgot to remember being pissed at the Dark Stars.
Rage: Fuck those Dark Stars!
Cage is spooked by the sudden explosion, but buys in.
Cage: Yeah! Fuck them in the ass!
Rage: Only with consent!
Cage: Yeah, only when Commandrix tells me she wants it, and she totally wants it!
Rage: How could she not? You’re fuckin’ amazing, bro!
Cage: Same to you!
Rage: Build each other up!
Cage: Always!
They hug and enjoy the moment. They pull away, then hug again. Family loves family, and Dom Toretto smiles beyond the horizon. Rage and Cage look at the window and nod. Dom fades away.
Rage: But, the truth remains, that Commandrix, despite a rocking body and a hard dominatrix vibe, is with Big Insurance.
Cage: Yeah, that sucks. I’ve powered through worse before. Ever gotten a blowy from a chick with braces?
Cage shudders, then Rage shudders.
Cage: She was like a cheese grater. It’s like my dick was fighting Jon Moxley.
Rage: Doesn’t that mean she would be bleeding?
Cage: She was. That’s why I was getting a blowy.
Rage: It’s natural and beautiful.
Cage: Oh yeah, it’s one of those!
Rage: Should we even waste our time wrestling the Dark Stars? I feel like we should push for universal healthcare in America. That would put the Dark Stars out of business and send them back to their birthing place in shame!
Rage scratches his chin while Cage is lost in his own thoughts.
Cage: Should I cut my hair like Kono?
Rage: What?
Cage: He has stylish hair. Maybe Commandrix is into that.
Rage: Don’t change yourself for anyone, bro!
Cage: Should I get a tan?
Rage: Borderline racist, bro.
Cage: Sorry. I guess I’m more like Niko in complexion, but he’s the shitty Dark Star.
Rage: Indeed.
Cage: But Commandrix would definitely be into a man who could defeat her handpicked gladiators.
Rage: Yeah, I can see her responding to power.
Cage: Now we have to win!
For those who did not click the link, it is about the value of sphincter insurance. The company that underwrites the policies is Dark Star Insurance. Cage does the “Leo pointing at the screen” meme. He pauses the TV, then stands up and shouts.
Cage: Wes, get in here!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks in from the kitchen wearing his recreational romper. He looks aggravated to be disturbed.
Rage: Dammit, Nic! You don’t have to yell!
Cage: Watch this shit!
Cage replays the scene in American Dad. Rage’s eyes go wide.
Rage: Holy shit!
Cage: I know!
Rage: The Dark Stars are part of the insurance-industrial complex!
Cage: And they were on American Dad!
Rage: That’s not the big takeaway! The Dark Stars are Big Insurance! They’re probably in bed with Big Oil and Big Pharma! You don’t understand!
Cage: I understand “big!” I understand that I like a chick with a big ass.
Rage: I hear that, brother!
They high-five and nod. Rage enjoys the thought, but gets back to what pissed him off.
Rage: They almost tricked me! I almost thought they were noble immigrants practicing a misunderstood religion when they were secretly the worst kind of immigrants!
Cage: Illegal?
Rage: IT’S “UNDOCUMENTED”, ASSFUCK!
Cage: You’re right. I can barely remember all the times I buttfucked a girl. I should document them more.
Rage: No, it’s about those lying Dark Stars! They’re capitalist elite who tire of exploiting their own people, so they bring that shit to America!
Cage: Don’t we work for a British company?
Rage: Shut up!
Cage: Okay, jeez. You’re the one who moved the conversation away from buttfucking.
Rage can’t even and begins stomping around. Cage reaches in between the cushions and pulls out a baggie with gummies in it.
Cage: Bro, you need a couple of these.
Cage holds out two of the gummies. Rage snatches them and eats them. He smacks his lips and looks confused.
Rage: These taste weird.
Cage: Well, they’re “special” gummies.
Rage: I know that. I mean that they’re different. They don’t taste like they normally do…Wait, are these fucking indicas?
Cage: …they were on discount.
Rage: These won’t fucking help! A body high won’t calm me down!
Cage: They help me wrestle! I take them before our big matches, so getting thrown around the ring hurts less.
Rage: Is that why you couldn’t kick out when we lost to the Bastards?
Cage: I took way too many that night, but it’s not my fault! It was a tag team gauntlet!
Rage glares at Cage and resumes his stomping.
Rage: What a waste! These would have been better after going to the gym.
Cage: Go now!
Rage: Nic, do you realize how stupid that sounds?
Cage: No, it’s like steroids. Your body won’t know how hard it’s working, then you pump more and get stronger!
Rage: That’s not how it works!
Cage: Would I lie to you?
Rage: No, but you can “stupid as shit” to me.
Cage: That’s true.
Cage nods as his brother has him there. Rage remembers that he forgot to remember being pissed at the Dark Stars.
Rage: Fuck those Dark Stars!
Cage is spooked by the sudden explosion, but buys in.
Cage: Yeah! Fuck them in the ass!
Rage: Only with consent!
Cage: Yeah, only when Commandrix tells me she wants it, and she totally wants it!
Rage: How could she not? You’re fuckin’ amazing, bro!
Cage: Same to you!
Rage: Build each other up!
Cage: Always!
They hug and enjoy the moment. They pull away, then hug again. Family loves family, and Dom Toretto smiles beyond the horizon. Rage and Cage look at the window and nod. Dom fades away.
Rage: But, the truth remains, that Commandrix, despite a rocking body and a hard dominatrix vibe, is with Big Insurance.
Cage: Yeah, that sucks. I’ve powered through worse before. Ever gotten a blowy from a chick with braces?
Cage shudders, then Rage shudders.
Cage: She was like a cheese grater. It’s like my dick was fighting Jon Moxley.
Rage: Doesn’t that mean she would be bleeding?
Cage: She was. That’s why I was getting a blowy.
Rage: It’s natural and beautiful.
Cage: Oh yeah, it’s one of those!
Rage: Should we even waste our time wrestling the Dark Stars? I feel like we should push for universal healthcare in America. That would put the Dark Stars out of business and send them back to their birthing place in shame!
Rage scratches his chin while Cage is lost in his own thoughts.
Cage: Should I cut my hair like Kono?
Rage: What?
Cage: He has stylish hair. Maybe Commandrix is into that.
Rage: Don’t change yourself for anyone, bro!
Cage: Should I get a tan?
Rage: Borderline racist, bro.
Cage: Sorry. I guess I’m more like Niko in complexion, but he’s the shitty Dark Star.
Rage: Indeed.
Cage: But Commandrix would definitely be into a man who could defeat her handpicked gladiators.
Rage: Yeah, I can see her responding to power.
Cage: Now we have to win!