From the Desk of Rob Riot
Apr 11, 2023 6:17:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, fowler, and 1 more like this
Post by robriot on Apr 11, 2023 6:17:24 GMT -5
Rob Riot sits behind a desk, adjusting his tie while he looks at an assistant off-camera. He then makes a show of shuffling a stack of paper around on his desk. Apparently unaware that the camera is on, he talks in the direction of whoever the assistant is.
Riot: Isn’t Blood supposed to be rich?
The assistant mumbles something off-screen. It’s a response, but not one that we can hear.
Riot: It’s just that we managed to get this desk and all the other office furniture from IKEA, and it’s an exact match. I mean, literally exact. The guy’s supposed to be a millionaire wrestling promotion owner, and he’s sitting behind an IKEA desk.
More mumbling from off-screen.
Riot: And the papers are literally blank. Like, watch his announcement again. There's nothing on the paper. Are we sure the guy can read? Actually, don't answer that - he can't see what's happening literally right in front of his nose, so why would he be able to read?
A sharper, louder mumble that sounds suspiciously like "WE'RE LIVE, PAL."
Riot: Seriously? For how long?
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Riot: So he’ll have heard all of that?
Mumble.
Riot: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.
Riot taps his fingers on the desk and clears his throat, winking as he does so.
Riot: It’s come to my attention that some people who think they’re very important are really very upset with us at the moment. There’s a rich guy crying into his cornflakes, and some guy with a name that sounds like he ought to be running a BDSM club creaming his knickers because the rich guy handed him a referee’s shirt. Now he gets to stand around being the third wheel while The Bastards are in the ring, just like he’s the third wheel whenever his wife makes him sit in the corner and watch her with whoever she’s invited round to rail her that night. Well, good for him. Congratulations on getting the referee’s gig, Lord Dominicuck; all those years you’ve put in on the indies have finally got you a ticket to the big time. And well done on finding your balls, Blood. It’s a shame you had to go rooting in other people’s pockets to locate them, but you got there in the end.
Riot sits back in the chair and kicks his feet up on the table.
Riot: Now, you hoped you'd "made yourself very clear," so let's see if you did. Let me try to get this straight. We have to go into a tag team title match with Lord Dominicuck as the referee in Wolverhampton, and if you don't manage to screw us there, you'll screw us at Dominion. Also at Dominion, you'll hang the Commonwealth Championship above the ring and call in Dominicuck's Network buddies to try to take it off Frank because you've got nobody in Wrestle:UK who's up to the task. Yeah, that sounds great, boss. Way to tell the world you need outside help to steal championships off us because you don't think your promotion's up to scratch. Genius move. And if Billy gets involved, we forfeit our titles, his rematch, our hall passes, our subscription to W:UK Weekly and our canteen privileges? Yep, we're clear. Understood. Now let me make myself clear.
He leans forward in the chair again and slams his fist down on the desk. Every movement is a calculated mockery of Blood’s announcement.
Riot: You missed the point. We do what we want, when we want. Maybe we'll turn up for those matches. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll play your games. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll go and make a Legendary Wrestling Alliance elsewhere. Perhaps there's a Conquest somewhere that could do with a shot in the arm, and the Bastards are exactly the dose it needs. Hell, maybe we'll retire as champions. We're all rich. We don't need to be here as much as you need us to be here. But more than that, Blood. Remember what you asked for. Let's "lift the veil" for a second here, eh, boss?
Riot sneers in a manner that Donzig would be proud of.
Riot: What’s everybody talking about coming out of Legacy? The Bastards, and Wrestle:UK. What should you want everybody to be talking about after an event like that? The Bastards, and Wrestle:UK. See, it’s not so many weeks since we got word from the suits that people wanted to see The Bastards show a little more “old school” attitude. That the suits thought there was more money in The Bastards being - well - bastards. So we delivered exactly what was requested of us. We gave you Bad Bastards, and we got the whole world talking. Now you want to cry about it? Grow up. And as for you, Donzig, with your outburst?
He looks like he’s about to continue, but then he laughs.
Riot: It's the 2020s; who in the fuck cares what Donzig has to say about anything? Now get this shit back to IKEA and get that camera out of my face. I'm going on holiday.
With a dismissive wave of his hand, Riot sends the scene into darkness.
Riot: Isn’t Blood supposed to be rich?
The assistant mumbles something off-screen. It’s a response, but not one that we can hear.
Riot: It’s just that we managed to get this desk and all the other office furniture from IKEA, and it’s an exact match. I mean, literally exact. The guy’s supposed to be a millionaire wrestling promotion owner, and he’s sitting behind an IKEA desk.
More mumbling from off-screen.
Riot: And the papers are literally blank. Like, watch his announcement again. There's nothing on the paper. Are we sure the guy can read? Actually, don't answer that - he can't see what's happening literally right in front of his nose, so why would he be able to read?
A sharper, louder mumble that sounds suspiciously like "WE'RE LIVE, PAL."
Riot: Seriously? For how long?
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Riot: So he’ll have heard all of that?
Mumble.
Riot: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.
Riot taps his fingers on the desk and clears his throat, winking as he does so.
Riot: It’s come to my attention that some people who think they’re very important are really very upset with us at the moment. There’s a rich guy crying into his cornflakes, and some guy with a name that sounds like he ought to be running a BDSM club creaming his knickers because the rich guy handed him a referee’s shirt. Now he gets to stand around being the third wheel while The Bastards are in the ring, just like he’s the third wheel whenever his wife makes him sit in the corner and watch her with whoever she’s invited round to rail her that night. Well, good for him. Congratulations on getting the referee’s gig, Lord Dominicuck; all those years you’ve put in on the indies have finally got you a ticket to the big time. And well done on finding your balls, Blood. It’s a shame you had to go rooting in other people’s pockets to locate them, but you got there in the end.
Riot sits back in the chair and kicks his feet up on the table.
Riot: Now, you hoped you'd "made yourself very clear," so let's see if you did. Let me try to get this straight. We have to go into a tag team title match with Lord Dominicuck as the referee in Wolverhampton, and if you don't manage to screw us there, you'll screw us at Dominion. Also at Dominion, you'll hang the Commonwealth Championship above the ring and call in Dominicuck's Network buddies to try to take it off Frank because you've got nobody in Wrestle:UK who's up to the task. Yeah, that sounds great, boss. Way to tell the world you need outside help to steal championships off us because you don't think your promotion's up to scratch. Genius move. And if Billy gets involved, we forfeit our titles, his rematch, our hall passes, our subscription to W:UK Weekly and our canteen privileges? Yep, we're clear. Understood. Now let me make myself clear.
He leans forward in the chair again and slams his fist down on the desk. Every movement is a calculated mockery of Blood’s announcement.
Riot: You missed the point. We do what we want, when we want. Maybe we'll turn up for those matches. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll play your games. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll go and make a Legendary Wrestling Alliance elsewhere. Perhaps there's a Conquest somewhere that could do with a shot in the arm, and the Bastards are exactly the dose it needs. Hell, maybe we'll retire as champions. We're all rich. We don't need to be here as much as you need us to be here. But more than that, Blood. Remember what you asked for. Let's "lift the veil" for a second here, eh, boss?
Riot sneers in a manner that Donzig would be proud of.
Riot: What’s everybody talking about coming out of Legacy? The Bastards, and Wrestle:UK. What should you want everybody to be talking about after an event like that? The Bastards, and Wrestle:UK. See, it’s not so many weeks since we got word from the suits that people wanted to see The Bastards show a little more “old school” attitude. That the suits thought there was more money in The Bastards being - well - bastards. So we delivered exactly what was requested of us. We gave you Bad Bastards, and we got the whole world talking. Now you want to cry about it? Grow up. And as for you, Donzig, with your outburst?
He looks like he’s about to continue, but then he laughs.
Riot: It's the 2020s; who in the fuck cares what Donzig has to say about anything? Now get this shit back to IKEA and get that camera out of my face. I'm going on holiday.
With a dismissive wave of his hand, Riot sends the scene into darkness.