The Art of Screwing Bastards
Apr 12, 2023 18:50:46 GMT -5
Frank Windsor, robriot, and 1 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Apr 12, 2023 18:50:46 GMT -5
“…only a supporting role in their own promotion as Crane has his testicles in a fucking jar have informed my people that I have to be a bit more PC but anyway fuck off!”
*The lights come up on Lord Dominicus curled up on a couch sleeping. From off camera a staff member tries to rouse the DARK LORD OF THE XHF NETWORK.*
Staffer: Uh, Mr. Dominicus?
LD: zzzz….no mom…..zz….don’t make me watch another Bastards promo…..zzzzzzz….I swear I’ve been an evil boy……..zzzzz……ugh they’re sooo boring and predictable……zzzzzzzzzz
*From off camera the handle of a broom starts to extend.*
Staffer: Mr. Dominicus?
*It pokes Lord Dominicus, he wakes up with a start.*
LD: HOW DARE YOU!?
Staffer: Mr. Dominicus, the promos are done.
LD: Oh thank goodness. But it’s LORD Dominicus, I don’t own land in Scotland to be called “Mr.” thank you very much. Anyway, did I miss anything?
Staffer: …I just said that Rob and Frank’s promos are done. You fell asleep during Rob’s.
*Dominicus is rubbing his mask where his eyes should be, trying to wake up.*
LD: Oh. Well lemme check. Did they try to suggest there’s some sort of vast XHF conspiracy against them?
Staffer: …Yes.
LD: Did they play the victim card while also trying to frame themselves as an unstoppable force?
Staffer: Uh…yes.
LD: Sex jokes?
Staffer: Not much.
LD: Well I guess we have something to be thankful for. Nothing says “single and EXTREMELY desperate” like talking about how sexually active you are. Anyway if you broke down their basic tactics would it read like a Fox News strategy meeting?
Staffer: I don’t think I’m qualified to give that kind of review.
LD: Sure sure. Perennial victims of a massive conspiracy against them while they still hold all the cards. Cowards sure do love to be the victim but also have to make sure they’re as strong as possible. Anyway great, cool, wonderful. Nothing surprising. That saves me time as you can just roll the pre-taped footage without me having to add anything.
*Dominicus vaguely gestures to the staffer as he yawns and curls back up. The lights fade to…*
*…The most exciting of locations, a union headquarters! It’s almost an office, but there’s a slight air of “school gym” at the same time. Lord Dominicus leans in holding a microphone.*
LD: Hello PEONS OF WRESTLE- UNITED KINGDOM! I, THE DARK LORD OF INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM, have decided to do a little digging. We’re here at the XHF Network’s referee union headquarters to talk to the global refs.
*He gestures to several referees, of course wearing their striped shirts because do referees have other clothes? Doubtful.*
LD: My first question is this: Wait you have a union?
*Dominicus flicks his mic towards one of the refs.*
Ref 1: Yeah, I’ll field that one. Back in the day Mongo used to just fire referees all willy-nilly, especially when he looked bad. Often times they didn’t even earn it; he just needed to vent and ruined somebody’s life as a way to do it. So eventually we unionized to give us some more job security.
LD: I see. But wait, aren’t you Mongo’s goons now? Doesn’t he pay you to screw the Bastards when they step outside of their home fed?
Ref 2: Oh yeah. Totally. That’s like the main directive he ever gives us.
Ref 3: Sometimes I even mail human feces to the Bastards.
*Everyone is very shocked and disgusted.*
Ref 2: What the heck, man!?
Ref 3: I want a management role someday, gotta work that grind if you wanna get promoted.
*Holding the microphone back to his mouth, Lord Dominicus turns to the camera and leans in to accentuate the moment.*
LD: Fascinating.
*He goes back to the referees.*
LD: With this SHOCKING REVELATION that indeed the Bastards are right and there is a massive conspiracy to keep them from ever achieving glory in an XHF ring there’s only one thing left to say…
*He looks around before continuing.*
LD: Teach me. I’m going to be calling one of their matches soon and I want to learn the ways of the XHF Network referees to screw the Bastards hard. Will you do this?
Ref 3: Heck yeah, let’s screw the Bastards!
Ref 1: Alright, let’s get to work.
*What follows is a montage to the tune of “Call Me” by Blondie (you know, because refs call matches). The referees have taken LD to a ring and work him through different areas of refereeing. They show him how to dive for a pin. How to ask for a submission. How to do the five count on illegal moves- which LD seems really confused by because he didn’t realize it existed. They teach him the art of the count-out. They explain different things you can be DQed for as he takes notes. They even cover getting out of the way of other wrestlers. Dominicus lightly bumps one of them and the ref stays down for the rest of the montage. After it finishes we find ourselves in the locker room as the referees change from their referee shirts…into clean referee shirts. Lord Dominicus looks around.*
LD: So uh, guys? I’m a little confused. We just spent all day learning the basics of refereeing.
Ref 1: Yes, and?
LD: You were supposed to teach me how to screw the Bastards.
Ref 2: We did. All you need to do is to call the match fairly and the Bastards usually fall on their own swords.
LD: So what you’re saying is that there isn’t a massive conspiracy against Rob Riot, Frank Windsor, and Billy Fowler?
Ref 3: No, of course. I also don’t actually send them poop. We just call matches and if people lose it’s because of their own lack of talent.
*WUK’s Vantablack Savior rubs his chin in a strong DominiThink.*
LD: Fascinating. So what you’re saying then is that you don’t screw the Bastards, the Bastards screw the Bastards?
Ref 1: Yes.
*Domicnius leans into the camera.*
LD: You heard it here first, peons. WUK’s mascots can’t cut mustard outside your walls so they claim victimhood while also making it clear that they are unstoppable- but don’t have the guts to prove it.
*He squares up a bit more to look more official.*
LD: I’ll see you soon, United Kingdom Wrestling, and together we’ll screw the Bastards- XHF Network style!
*Behind him the union guys seem concerned so one of them cups his hands and calls out*
Ref 2: By calling the match fairly! That was the lesson!
*Dominicus brushes this off as the camera fades out.*
*The lights come up on Lord Dominicus curled up on a couch sleeping. From off camera a staff member tries to rouse the DARK LORD OF THE XHF NETWORK.*
Staffer: Uh, Mr. Dominicus?
LD: zzzz….no mom…..zz….don’t make me watch another Bastards promo…..zzzzzzz….I swear I’ve been an evil boy……..zzzzz……ugh they’re sooo boring and predictable……zzzzzzzzzz
*From off camera the handle of a broom starts to extend.*
Staffer: Mr. Dominicus?
*It pokes Lord Dominicus, he wakes up with a start.*
LD: HOW DARE YOU!?
Staffer: Mr. Dominicus, the promos are done.
LD: Oh thank goodness. But it’s LORD Dominicus, I don’t own land in Scotland to be called “Mr.” thank you very much. Anyway, did I miss anything?
Staffer: …I just said that Rob and Frank’s promos are done. You fell asleep during Rob’s.
*Dominicus is rubbing his mask where his eyes should be, trying to wake up.*
LD: Oh. Well lemme check. Did they try to suggest there’s some sort of vast XHF conspiracy against them?
Staffer: …Yes.
LD: Did they play the victim card while also trying to frame themselves as an unstoppable force?
Staffer: Uh…yes.
LD: Sex jokes?
Staffer: Not much.
LD: Well I guess we have something to be thankful for. Nothing says “single and EXTREMELY desperate” like talking about how sexually active you are. Anyway if you broke down their basic tactics would it read like a Fox News strategy meeting?
Staffer: I don’t think I’m qualified to give that kind of review.
LD: Sure sure. Perennial victims of a massive conspiracy against them while they still hold all the cards. Cowards sure do love to be the victim but also have to make sure they’re as strong as possible. Anyway great, cool, wonderful. Nothing surprising. That saves me time as you can just roll the pre-taped footage without me having to add anything.
*Dominicus vaguely gestures to the staffer as he yawns and curls back up. The lights fade to…*
*…The most exciting of locations, a union headquarters! It’s almost an office, but there’s a slight air of “school gym” at the same time. Lord Dominicus leans in holding a microphone.*
LD: Hello PEONS OF WRESTLE- UNITED KINGDOM! I, THE DARK LORD OF INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM, have decided to do a little digging. We’re here at the XHF Network’s referee union headquarters to talk to the global refs.
*He gestures to several referees, of course wearing their striped shirts because do referees have other clothes? Doubtful.*
LD: My first question is this: Wait you have a union?
*Dominicus flicks his mic towards one of the refs.*
Ref 1: Yeah, I’ll field that one. Back in the day Mongo used to just fire referees all willy-nilly, especially when he looked bad. Often times they didn’t even earn it; he just needed to vent and ruined somebody’s life as a way to do it. So eventually we unionized to give us some more job security.
LD: I see. But wait, aren’t you Mongo’s goons now? Doesn’t he pay you to screw the Bastards when they step outside of their home fed?
Ref 2: Oh yeah. Totally. That’s like the main directive he ever gives us.
Ref 3: Sometimes I even mail human feces to the Bastards.
*Everyone is very shocked and disgusted.*
Ref 2: What the heck, man!?
Ref 3: I want a management role someday, gotta work that grind if you wanna get promoted.
*Holding the microphone back to his mouth, Lord Dominicus turns to the camera and leans in to accentuate the moment.*
LD: Fascinating.
*He goes back to the referees.*
LD: With this SHOCKING REVELATION that indeed the Bastards are right and there is a massive conspiracy to keep them from ever achieving glory in an XHF ring there’s only one thing left to say…
*He looks around before continuing.*
LD: Teach me. I’m going to be calling one of their matches soon and I want to learn the ways of the XHF Network referees to screw the Bastards hard. Will you do this?
Ref 3: Heck yeah, let’s screw the Bastards!
Ref 1: Alright, let’s get to work.
*What follows is a montage to the tune of “Call Me” by Blondie (you know, because refs call matches). The referees have taken LD to a ring and work him through different areas of refereeing. They show him how to dive for a pin. How to ask for a submission. How to do the five count on illegal moves- which LD seems really confused by because he didn’t realize it existed. They teach him the art of the count-out. They explain different things you can be DQed for as he takes notes. They even cover getting out of the way of other wrestlers. Dominicus lightly bumps one of them and the ref stays down for the rest of the montage. After it finishes we find ourselves in the locker room as the referees change from their referee shirts…into clean referee shirts. Lord Dominicus looks around.*
LD: So uh, guys? I’m a little confused. We just spent all day learning the basics of refereeing.
Ref 1: Yes, and?
LD: You were supposed to teach me how to screw the Bastards.
Ref 2: We did. All you need to do is to call the match fairly and the Bastards usually fall on their own swords.
LD: So what you’re saying is that there isn’t a massive conspiracy against Rob Riot, Frank Windsor, and Billy Fowler?
Ref 3: No, of course. I also don’t actually send them poop. We just call matches and if people lose it’s because of their own lack of talent.
*WUK’s Vantablack Savior rubs his chin in a strong DominiThink.*
LD: Fascinating. So what you’re saying then is that you don’t screw the Bastards, the Bastards screw the Bastards?
Ref 1: Yes.
*Domicnius leans into the camera.*
LD: You heard it here first, peons. WUK’s mascots can’t cut mustard outside your walls so they claim victimhood while also making it clear that they are unstoppable- but don’t have the guts to prove it.
*He squares up a bit more to look more official.*
LD: I’ll see you soon, United Kingdom Wrestling, and together we’ll screw the Bastards- XHF Network style!
*Behind him the union guys seem concerned so one of them cups his hands and calls out*
Ref 2: By calling the match fairly! That was the lesson!
*Dominicus brushes this off as the camera fades out.*
