Palm Springs Punishment 2023
Apr 14, 2023 4:12:52 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Apr 14, 2023 4:12:52 GMT -5
Fade up on the rabid Palm Springs crowd at Acrisure Arena. The fans hold up signs that say “Fear The MIR”, “I’m A Smarty”, “Tap Out”, “Dad Strength”, “If Hasbulla Falls We Riot”, “Homewrecker Steve Awesome”, “Tux Sux”, “Sooner Squeeze”, “My Boy Kilroy”, “Little Dragon Fan Club”, “Danimal”, “Simon Cruise Section”, “Dan The Man”, “Lil Dragons”. Fade out to Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2023!! This is the oldest pay per view in e-fed history dating back to 1990!!
Phillip Blauer: Not sure what at “e-fed” is, but I, for one am honored to be a integral part of whatever this is when they had the resources to make it worth my while!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up, is a card only worthy of Palm Springs Punishment 2023, our main event is Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Marty Donovan putting his belt on the line against Cross Recoba. Recoba has been saying he is going to teach the Hardkore World fans what wrestling is, and he has his chance here tonight to become the Top Guy and do just that.
Phillip Blauer: Those who can do, do. Those who can’t, teach. Take that, teachers! I never had a teacher that taught me…Oh, looks like we have a fan approaching us, Gomez. I’m pretty well known here…
Process Server shows up, Phil gulps
Process Server: Mr. Blauer, you’ve been served.
Phillip Blauer: Oh right. That thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Also fans, we have our first MIR match in 11 years! Kilroy Evans taking on his former tag team partner Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask betrayed his longtime friend over the fact that Kilroy allowed Dirk van Thijmen to be his partner that night in Vegas so he cost him the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Who says? You mean that part where he fell off the top rope onto that fake friend of his? Wesley had that match in the bag before any of that…
A Different Process Server: Mr. Blauer, you’ve been served.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on? That one’s so old. What happened to statutes of limitations? (yells after him) You know, we used to be a proper country!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans was cut to the core by Tuxedo Mask throwing away their friendship over something so stupid, and has said he is going to hurt him physically far worse than Tux did to Kilroy emotionally.
Phillip Blauer: Aw, did Kilroy cry some Mellow Yellow tears all over his so-ironic-I-don’t-get-it t-shirt? Please the name on the marquee says…Hardkore, and if that’s too much…
Another Process Server: Mr. Blauer...
Phillip Blauer: Just put it on the table. If that’s too much for you buddy. He can always go back to Petco.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then The Anointed put their Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the line against the team of Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. Drake wants revenge against Dan Stein for attacking him in San Francisco and Watts teamed with Little Dragon and was impressive in his debut over Tyrone the Love Doctor and “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in Bend.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, well this ain’t Bend and Wes and Dantastic aren’t some quack and a sexy Indian. The marquee says “tag team wrestling…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: You just used that reference…
Phillip Blauer: It’s a big marquee, ok? It doesn’t say “two random guys teaming together for the first time”. The Punisher and The High Roller are about to put on a tag team clinic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a Stairway to Heaven match between The Sheik and Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB cost The Sheik the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in Portland. In Bend, The Sheik brutally attacked AVB and kidnapped his partner on MTV’s: The Challenge, Hasbulla.
Phillip Blauer: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, please keep your children away from ringside. It’s dangerous. We have sheiks, for crying out loud!
Guillermo O’Bannon: There needs to be some resolution to the safety of Hasbulla and hopefully a ladder match will do just the trick. Then Little Dragon takes on popular newcomer Simon Cruise, in what promises to be an exciting match up, and Dirk van Thijmen tries to get some revenge for Steve Awesome harassing his wife in Bend. But first, Palm Springs Punishment is older than Otis. It’s older than Britt Baker, Adam Page, Alexa Bliss, Ruby Riot, and Chelsea Green. We would like to show you a retrospective of some of the big moments and title changes that have happened on this 33 year old show.
Palm Springs Punishment 1990: After a shot from a motorcycle helmet, Cousin Junior submits to a camel clutch by Earl Slade so The Brute Squad can win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...Jamaican Tosh Marley hits The Ukrainian with a flying headbutt for The Bad Boys to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1991: Benyok Kentot pushes Kentaro Korose off the top turnbuckle for Jonathan Darkstar to upset Kentaro Korose for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship...Samoan Nuku passes out from a loaded claw by Rad Rick so that Rad Thunder can win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1992: "Flyin" Ryan Hill pins Neuromancer with a flying body press off the top rope to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship...The masked Bronco Guerillo catches Rad Rick with a diving rana to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Unpredictable Oliver Ace taps out to a figure four leglock by Dutch Danger so that he can win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1993: Wrestling’s only Dominatrix Ms. Alexandria Macabre wraps a dog collar chain around Minomi Asato's neck and drops down into a neckbreaker to win the Hardkore Women's Championship…The Dutch legend Gorgeous Greg DDTs the inebriated Jack Daniels off the top rope to win the Hardkore America Television Championship...Cuban militant Fidel "Che" Guevarra taps out to Elvis impersonator Randy "Rock & Roll" Carter's figure four leglock for him to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Antonio Natoraka drops Jerry Ferris with a saito suplex for The Superpowers to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1994: Tarrasque makes Crash submit to a testicular claw to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship...Pain drops down with a pain killer on "Knife Edge" Takeda Yokosuda to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships for Total Destruction & Pain
Palm Springs Punishment 1995: Wasp Man drops Dragon Kimura on his head with a super fisherman's buster to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Pain hits the painkiller to defeat "The Executioner" Samuel Madison for Black Magic & Crash to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1996: Japanese death cult leader Kentaro Korose smashes Hawaiian devil worshiper Kuala Hala's face in with the facebreaker deathkick to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Creamer Dynasty bodyguard, Kilboy Powerhead death valley drivers "Magnificent" Mickey Duran for The Creamer Dynasty to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...The sick, the demented, The Necrologist pins Hawaiian militant, Ino Koa after the kevorkian krunch to win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1997: "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar knocks out San Diego Strangler with a martial arts strike to his neck to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Thunder Kid taps out to "Nature Boy" Buddy Powell's figure four leglock for Powell to win the Hardkore America Television Championship...The St. Jock Brothers win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Black Magic with brotherly gafflin...One of the Death Angels taps out to a scorpion deathlock for The Down Boys to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships..."The Devil's Son-in-Law" Quasimoto Jones running powerbombs Ghandi the Butcher to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1998: Rated X DDTs Ghandi the Butcher off the top turnbuckle on a steel chair with dog shit on it to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship..."Sexy" Anjanette Turner piledrives Ms. Alexandria Macabre off the top turnbuckle to win the Hardkore Women's Championship..."Gamesmaster" Kevin Daniels ribbreaker stomps Adrian Faust to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship...The Thorn Cult’s bodyguard Eerie Von makes Sean Hawk tap out to the excommunication in a thorn cult rules match to win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1999: Makoto Jupiter swan dive moonsaults "Sexy" Anjanette Turner to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...The Badd B Boys drop "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar with a Badd B Boy Bomb to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships...Chang Khan hits Klown with a boot to the head to win the Hardkore America Television Championship…
Palm Springs Punishment 2000: The Final Contract hit The Fufilment on one of The Badd B Boys...Yuku Sato crushes Ri Eun-Ae with an earthquake splash to win the Hardkore Women's Championship..."Lightning" Leon Jones out lasts "Irish" Mike Powers and Aaron Angst to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2001: Ri Eun-Ae pins "Sexy" Anjanette Turner with a jupiter thunder dragon to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Ace Kilcannon dragon suplexes Rally Jackson to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship...Adrian Faust taps out to Skits O Frenia's single leg boston crab in an I Quit match for Skits O Frena to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2003: Jean-Paul Jaubergy smashes Rally Jackson with a double stomp to the face for he and "The Golden Child" Justin Sayne, & "God's Gift" Jeremiah Vastrix to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships...Andrew Karnage hits Tuxedo Mask with a nightmare lariot so he and Kilroy Evans win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...Xyrynth pins Darlene after hitting her with the flushed combo to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Death Gojira climbs to the top of the ladder and grabs the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship from Cobryn
Palm Springs Punishment 2004:The Shootfighter double underhooks Bakemono Bokuden up into a backbreaker to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships with The Warhammer Corporation...Xyrynth pins Tamara Sanchez after Death Gojira attacks her backstage to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Big Bad Bill drops Cyrus “The F’n Vyrus” Williams on his head with a burning hammer into a piledriver to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2005: The Warhammer Corporation and The Shootfighter defeated The Tengu Clan for the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships. In a Falls Count Anywhere, Last Woman Standing Match, Xyrynth facefirst powerbombs Tamara Sanchez into a barbed wire wrapped wooden chair to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship…Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a fire match.
Palm Springs Punishment 2006: “The Master of the Powerslam” Paul Soutter hung Lonewolf Eric McNeely over the top rope in a Hang Em High match to reclaim the Hardkore West Coast Championship…Tamara Sanchez beat “Sexy” Anjanette Turner, Tracee Nguyen, and Jane Tyrra in a ladder match to reclaim the Hardkore World Women’s Championship…Adrian Tanner Jr. and Andrew Karnage won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Lucifer Jones with the SharpShot… Marty Donovan beat “The Big Ragoo” JoJo Sushi in a steel cage match with a sunset tiger bomb off the cage to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship…Rated X defeated Kilroy Evans in a barbed wire match to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2007: "The Crimson Cyclone" Bryant McCoy & Michael Black defeated Robert Hunglestien III and “The Lord of the Flies” Vincent Silvestri to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in a barbed wire match…”The Punisher” Dan Stein won a MIR Match between all the regional champions, outlasting Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers…Cobryn defeated Syberus with The Answer to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2008: Black Wallstreet won the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles in a falls count anywhere match between The Highlights of Humanity and Full Metal Jacket…Suzie Machina beat Yuku Shiro in a ladder match to win the Hardkore World Women’s Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2009: Matthew X won a 16 man tournament for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and then set fire to Hardkore Hall to celebrate
Palm Springs Punishment 2010: “Guttertrash” Troy Adkins won a royal rumble…neXT won a marathon match with Next Wave to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship…Madison Dyson dropped Suzie Machina with the Dead Bitch Walkin to win the Hardkore Women's Championship in a threeway with Natalie Burrows…James Fierce hit the Picture Perfect Elbow drop to win Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Matthew X…Syberus defeated Hardkore Jonnie Valentine to take ownership of Hardkore World
Palm Springs Punishment 2012: Bruno defeated The Shootfighter to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Palm Springs Punishment: 2022: Marty Donovan defeated Natalie Burrows in a Reedy Creek Rules match…The Sheik beat Kilroy Evans in a LA Freeway match. Syberus defeated Alexander Von Blankenship in the finals to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Title Tournament
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Wow, we had a Ukrainian named The Ukrainian?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Indeed, in the feared Russian Bloc.
Phillip Blauer: He would be a great babyface now. Crazy to think Cousin Junior is Kilroy’s father.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not true.
Phillip Blauer: Now you sound like Cousin Junior. Is Matthew X burning down Hardkore Hall the reason why we’re here at Acrisure Arena?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That, and they took 20% of merch sales.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the audience cheers loudly as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is in a shaky state of mind right now. We all saw the public spat that came from Steve Awesome flirting with her in Bend, Oregon. Tonight he has to put that all out of his head, and focus on beating the XHF Hardcore Champion. We’re getting word that we have a report from Kevin Valentine Jr. backstage, let’s go to it!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. switches to the locker room with a nervous looking backstage reporter Kevin Valentine Jr.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Um, hi. Um, sorry, I don’t know why we’re here live because I have nothing to report?
MEOW?
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to see intrepid reporter and house cat about town Purrman Melville
Kevin Valentine Jr.: What? No! No, Jackie we talked about this. You’re my cousin, man. Do not listen to that cat, it’s embarrassing.
MEOW
The gray tabby begins walking down the hallway, and Jackie Valentine Jr. begins following him with the camera
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (reaches after him) Jackie, no!
Melville walks over to Mickie Fury’s locker room over to a pile of gifts, stacked up against the locker room door. Heart shaped mylar balloons, heart shaped chocolates, and a DVD of The Notebook. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades back to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow! I think Steve Awesome is turning up the heat, either to woo Mickie Fury or to at least rattle her husband, Dirk van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Look, you can’t let that stuff get to you. Every woman I’ve ever dated has eventually cheated on me. Is it because I’m cheap? Is it because I’m naturally suspicious of their motives? Is it because I plant tracking devices in their vehicles? I forgot where I was going with this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk says that Steve Awesome’s presence allowed him to take his focus off of the match with Tuxedo Mask in Portland. Tonight he gets to focus all his energy on Steve Awesome and try to shut his mouth.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. You know, he needs to stop worrying about Steve Awesome and start worrying about what’s so fundamentally wrong with his marriage that a former XHF Hardkore Champion…
Guillermo O’Bannon: XHF Hardcore Champion.
Phillip Blauer: What did I say? That someone can just come in and wreck it with a few pec pops, they’ll never make it in the business.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies, and some of the men in the Palm Springs crowd catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury says she was only at ringside to cheer on Randy Candy…
Phillip Blauer: Who cheers on Randy Candy?? Are you hearing yourself right now?
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to The Acrisure Arena and PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT 2023!!”
The Acrisure Arena lets out a big pop
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see some fans I recognize from the very first show in 1990!
Phillip Blauer: Should we issue a Silver Alert to get them back to the nursing home?
Greg Jin: “The following non-title contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The audience gives him a big ovation while Mickie Fury gives him some last minute advice
All the lights in the Acrisure Arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Acrisure Arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. His bodyguard “The Punisher” Dan Stein follows behind him
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Phillip Blauer: Wow, that is Awesome. I totally get it now. His father Mike must be smiling down with pride right now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think…well, I’m not sure actually. Steve Awesome took Hardkore World by storm by interfering in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title match between Marty Donovan and The Sheik. At first it seemed as though he would be a rival of Marty and The Anointed, but shockingly joined them. For a while they all held gold, but last week Steve Awesome lost his XHF Hardcore Championship to Jason Long in a barbed wire landmine death match at J-ROK’s Phantom of Guilt show in Kushiro, Hokkaido, Japan.
Phillip Blauer: Then I imagine Mickie Fury will be the next jewel he will procure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Remember what Jim Croce said about messing with the wife of a jealous man in Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t go in for that new stuff. Give me some Glen Gray and His Orchestra, or Guy Lombardo and His Royal Canadians? You remember them, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil. I really don’t. Steve Awesome is making his debut in Hardkore World but…
Phillip Blauer: (crooning) Red sails in the sunset
Way out on the sea
Oh, carry my loved one
Home safely to me
Guillermo O’Bannon: Damnit, Phil, we don’t have the rights to that song. Jonnie is not Tony Khan. As I was saying, Steve Awesome is a well traveled veteran who was a former XHF X Crown Champion back in 2009 and is in the NCW Hall of Fame.
Steve Awesome gets up on the apron and blows a kiss to Mickie Fury in the ring. Dirk van Thijmen runs over to hit him, but Awesome drops down to the floor, smiling at Glorious Wolf
Guillermo O’Bannon: A little taste of the mind games Steve Awesome has planned here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023.
Phillip Blauer: They oughta just let these two kids smooch. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ew.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein backs Dirk off and allows Steve Awesome cautiously gets back in the ring, while Mickie Fury holds Glorious Wolf back
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; The Blast of Class…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The Palm Springs fans jeer Awesome while he drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. Dan Stein folds his arms behind Awesome
Steve Awesome vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
The bell rings and an enraged Dirk van Thijmen charges Awesome lighting him up with body shots
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen bashes him with some forearms to the face, and then hip tosses Steve Awesome across the ring!
The audience cheers and Steve Awesome scoots back on his butt, asking Van Thijmen for some time
Phillip Blauer: The man needs a time out, Richie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf in no mood for time outs; he pulls Awesome up by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckles over and over!
The Palm Springs crowd counts along until he gets to ten. Awesome walks out of the corner and does a face plant on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen yanks him up by the hair, and then snap mares him with his hair, flipping him to the mat!
“The Punisher” Dan Stein complains to Richie Richardson about the hair pulls, but Richie just shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen fireman’s carries Awesome over into a side headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Awesome’s skull.
Mickie Fury applauds on the outside, while Steve Awesome works his way to his feet with van Thijmen hanging on to the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pushes him off into the ropes but van Thijmen comes back with a reverse heel kick!
The crowd cheers and Dirk van Thijmen grabs a hammerlock. He pulls up on Awesome’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his chicken winged elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome back elbows his way out of the hammerlock. Van Thijmen irish whips him but Awesome reverses it and shoots him into the corner. Steve Awesome runs into a stinger splash in the corner.
The audience boos as Steve Awesome climbs on him in the corner, and starts raining punches on him. He looks over at Mickie Fury and gives her a crotch chop
Phillip Blauer: It appears Steven Awesome has two words for her. Hugs & Kisses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome takes his eye off the ball, and Dirk grabs his legs and walks him into the center of the ring with an inverted atomic drop.
Awesome clutches his balls, and then does a high back bump to the mat. He begs for mercy, telling an angry Dirk he was just kidding. Mickie Fury stands on the apron, and tries to get into the ring to handle this herself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson stops Mickie Fury from entering the ring. Dirk goes to intervene, and Steve Awesome uses the distraction to hit Dirk with a running knee to the stomach.
The cheers turn to jeers and Mickie Fury drops to the floor as Dan Stein protests her interference
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome hits the ropes and catches the keeled over van Thijmen with a running DDT!
Steve Awesome kips up to his feet and starts clenching his butt muscles in the direction of Mickie Fury and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: Look at that control! You could crack a walnut in those. Gizmo, give me a walnut.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t have a walnut, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Aw, I’m starving. Where’s the guy selling potted meat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably on the Titanic. Steve Awesome now slapping van Thijmen in the back of the head.
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Dirk gets mad and gets up to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome with a step up shining wizard!
The Palm Springs audience lets out a collective “OH!” Steve Awesome pulls him up into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome flips him up and over with a reverse suplex but Dirk lands on his feet, and runs Steve into the ropes rolling back into a bridging backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, then spins Awesome into an airplane spin.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t see good airplane spins anymore. No, the kids just want rainmakers and fentanyl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen finally deposits him over the ropes to the floor below!
The fans cheer and Mickie Fury applauds as Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf leaps off with a flying double ax handle that catches Steve Awesome right between the eyes!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen grabs Awesome up by the hair and smashes his face into the steel steps, making a sound that rings through The Acrisure Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen sets up Awesome’s legs by the corner post. He slingshots Steve up into the ring post, but “The Punisher” Dan Stein catches him!
Phillip Blauer: Dantastic!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen asks Stein what his problem is, and Dan jabs him in the stomach with The Peacemaker wooden staff!!
The crowd boos as Dan Stein helps Steve Awesome to his feet, and he Awesome lifts van Thijmen up into a sit out front suplex on the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome sneaks up behind Mickie Fury as she argues with Dan Stein and puts his arm around her!
Mickie screams and instinctively grabs Awesome by the arm and judo flips him to the floor! The audience laughs as Awesome clutches his back
Phillip Blauer: Mickie shouldn’t be so closed off to love. I’m just saying.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Steve needs to learn to keep his hands to himself.
Phillip Blauer: Both can be true.
Dirk van Thijmen now rolls Steve Awesome back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen hits Steve Awesome with a flying dropkick!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf irish whips him into the ropes, dips down for a backdrop, but Awesome catches him with a swinging neckbreaker!
The Acrisure Arena boos as Steve Awesome sits up and says “That was one swinging neckbreaker, babe!” at Mickie Fury
Phillip Blauer: You gotta learn to laugh, Mickie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls Dirk to his feet in a hammerlock, and then drops him on his shoulder with a crossface chicken wing suplex he calls The Awesome-plex!
The audience jeers as Dirk van Thijmen holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Steve Awesome gets on the top turnbuckle and pretends to nap and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: It’s important to find a time to sneak a good mid-match snooze. All the top guys do it. Bruno Sammartino used to catch a good 40 winks when you grabbed a chinlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls van Thijmen and irish whips him into the ropes, but Glorious Wolf slides through his legs, catches Awesome’s ankle and rolls up into a single leg boston crab!
The Palm Springs fans come to life as Dirk plants his feet and cranks back on Steve Awesome’s leg. Richie Richardson checks in to see if he wants to tap out, while Awesome’s eyes bug out from the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen sits low, putting a bad angle on that knee, while Steve Awesome crawls towards the ropes.
Dan Stein pounds on the mat, Richie Richardson again asks Steve Awesome if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head, trying to hold on
Phillip Blauer: Steve Awesome showing the world his heart tonight. Maybe showing off for a special someone?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome finally hooks the bottom rope and Richie Richardson makes Dirk release the single leg crab. He pulls Steve up and rocks him with some european uppercuts. He backs up into the ropes and floors Awesome with a roaring elbow!
The crowd is cheering, chanting “DIRK! DIRK! DIRK!” while Mickie Fury leads them. Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen dives off the top rope with a flying clothesline!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” Van Thijmen irish whips Steve Awesome into the corner, but Awesome runs up the turnbuckles and backflips into a moonsault body press
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Sault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome applies the Awesome Lock chicken wing crossface. He clamps down on van Thijmen’s windpipe while pulling up on his hammerlocked elbow and wrist, putting pressure on that shoulder as well
The boos rain down on Steve Awesome while he tries to choke out Glorious Wolf. Van Thijmen repeatedly refuses to give up, and fights his way to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen trying to escape the Awesome Lock, getting his arm in between Awesome’s arm, and peeling it back. Steve gives up on the Awesome Lock and lifts him up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his own arm!!
Dirk van Thijmen rolls around the mat, clutching his arm in agony. Steve Awesome twists his aching arm, and steps over into a rings of saturn
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone’s Favorite Submission Hold also known as the EFSH! He plants his one foot, pushing Dirk’s head into his chest, while trying to pull his arm out of it’s socket.
The jeers and heckling of Steve Awesome are booming as Dirk van Thijmen tries to hang on. Mickie Fury yells her encouragement as Glorious Wolf tries to hang on. Awesome grabs the top rope for leverage, unbeknownst to Richie Richardson and the booing gets to a fever pitch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on, Richie, turn around!
Phillip Blauer: I’ve seen that kid walk into a wall returning a text.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome using that top rope for leverage to make the EFSH even more lethal and sits down low. Dirk is forced to tap out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Steve Awesome releases the rings of saturn, with his arms raised in the air as "Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 25 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
“The Punisher” Dan Stein raises Steve Awesome’s arm as Mickie Fury runs in to check on Dirk van Thijmen’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome used that rope to essentially make Everyone’s Favorite Submission Hold inescapable.
Phillip Blauer: Well Gershwin, he was trying to sit down. Show me where in the rulebook it says you can’t hold the rope if you need to sit down?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well I don’t have a rulebook on me, but it’s obviously illegal.
Phillip Blauer: You can’t just make this stuff up as you go along.
Steve Awesome blows another kiss to Mickie Fury as she stares at him. She stands up and the Palm Springs fans cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie going chest to chest with Steve Awesome!
Phillip Blauer: The new power couple of Hardkore World is born, right here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury spins into her Spin Wheel Kick!!
The fans erupt and Steve Awesome flops through the ropes into the arms of Dan Stein at ringside. Steve Awesome points to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein now carrying the XHF Hardcore Champion to the back as Mickie Fury invites him back into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Steve is better off. You don’t want a gal that Spin Wheel Kicks you.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen stands up with his arm clutched close to his body. Mickie Fury turns around and they look at one another. The fans buzz with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie and Dirk embrace!!
The Acrisure Arena roars as the husband and wife hug in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: All of Dirk’s jealous suspicions evaporated when he saw the way that Mickie defended him when he was hurt.
The fans continue to applaud Dirk and Mickie as they turn around and raise one another’s hands
Phillip Blauer: No one is interested in your healthy relationship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a great match to start us off here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. This is only the beginning fans, don’t go away!
In the back, Scorpion is in his ring gear and is in front of a mirror in the locker room. “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus is playing in the background as Scorpion applies some chapstick to his lips. He continues to groom himself as he dances to the song. The dance becomes more seductive as he watches himself.
Scorpion: "Would you wrestle me? I'd wrestle me. I'd wrestle me so hard."
Fade back up on Phil and Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok…that was weird.
Phillip Blauer: We gotta talk to Randy Valentine Jr. in Hardkore Sales. He’s gotta get us better ads.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, welcome back fans, and next up is a match between two of the new young lions here in Hardkore World, both looking to move up the rankings with a win on our biggest show of the year!
As the "Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system, Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Phillip Blauer: Oh this guy…watch out!
Cruise’s surfboard barely misses Phil again as it goes up and Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that is fun. Not as fun as last time, but still. Pretty fun.
Phillip Blauer: I swear, as soon as I clear up all my subpoenas, I am going to sue this guy. On Judge Mathis.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he got canceled.
Phillip Blauer: Nope. Still on the air. You’re thinking of Judge Mills Lane. He died.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right. Simon Cruise loves it here despite it being landlocked.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, I heard he was reportedly “bummed to the max”, but we have any number of flood runoff reservoirs he could frequent to get his fix of the waves. Why every night I see a group of dirty men with shopping carts under the bridges burning campfires there. They must be huge surfing enthusiasts. I drove by one of them with his hand out. I slapped it and told him to “Hang Ten, dude!” He seemed to enjoy our interaction.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. He has fond memories from working here as ring crew with Donnie Valentine Jr. but he needed to break out to become who he is today, and now he makes his grand return as a wrestler fighting in front of the demanding Palm Springs crowds. He promises to steal the show tonight, and be the match everyone is talking about after all the title matches and grudge matches are over.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give him a loud ovation
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the Acrisure Arena cheers as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, Little Dragon watched Palm Springs Punishment 2006 where his father Dragon Belt was in a battle royal for the vacant Hardkore Nippon Junior Heavyweight Championship. Now he’s here to make his own history.
Phillip Blauer: So that his son, Even Littler Dragon can go on and do the same.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has deep respect for Simon Cruise and sees alot of similarities between the two of them. They both paid their dues in the business setting up rings.
Phillip Blauer: Dear lord, is it possible that the mouth breathers that set up tonight’s ring will force us to watch them wrestle as well one day?
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon knows his parents are watching tonight and looks to make them proud.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Acrisure Arena gives him a huge pop, which he acknowledges with a head nod
Little Dragon vs. Simon Cruise
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and both men circle one another, looking for an opening. It’s Little Dragon who makes the first move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon and Simon Cruise lock up with Dragon and quickly grabs a headlock but Cruise is fast to roll through with a pin but the Dragon rolls through it before a count can be made by Kelly O’Connell and brings Simon to his feet.
The audience applauds the exchange
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Venice Beach native doesn’t stop moving and slips out the back with a hammerlock but Little Dragon reverses it immediately and twists the arm into an arm wringer.
Little Dragon gives Cruise’s arm another twist, and he cries out in pain. The Surfer deftly ducks under the hold rolls out of it, then runs up the ropes to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise comes off with a rana but no, Little Dragon cartwheels out of it! Simon rushes in and gets caught with an arm drag!
Holding onto the arm, Little Dragon looks to lock in an armbar but Cruise rolls through and dives forward with a punch to the lower stomach that could well be the groin. Dragon goes down, and Simon Cruise hits him with a double stomp to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kick Flip! Simon Cruise now attempting to ride Little Dragon like a surfboard.
Phillip Blauer: It’s so crazy it just might work.
The fans cheer as Simon Cruise tries to maintain his balance, as Little Dragon crawls towards the ropes. Cruise pulls Dragon up by the mask and unloads with a series of punches that back the Hong Kong native into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs Little Dragon’s arm and irish whips him but Dragon reverses it and shoots Cruise into the corner and follows behind, but Cruise runs up the turnbuckles and backflips behind him! He grabs him in a german suplex but Dragon lands on his feet! Little Dragon with a flying headscissors takedown that sends Cruise out of the ring!
The audience cheers the whirlwind of action. Little Dragon gets a running start and dives over the ropes with a suicide plancha!! The crowd chants “DRA-GON! DRA-GON! DRA-GON!” as they both lie on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon rolls Simon Cruise back into the ring but when he enters himself, Simon Cruise catches him unawares with a hard right hand. He boots him in the stomach, and then scoops him up. Cruise goes for a bodyslam but Little Dragon inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Using Cruise’s hair, Little Dragon picks up his opponent, but Simon answers with an uppercut!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hits a standing enziguri sends Little Dragon into the turnbuckle. Cruise backs up and then handsprings into a spinning heel kick to Dragon in the corner!!
The Acrisure Arena pops at that. Simon pulls up Dragon for a german suplex but Little Dragon reverses it into a mini victory roll
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Trying to stay on the offensive, Little Dragon irish whips him into the ropes and connects with a spinning roundhouse kick!
Little Dragon rolls to his feet and springs up to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off with a frog splash but Cruise puts his knees up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon misses the Dragon Splash!! Cruise, not wanting to lose the window of opportunity, picks up Little Dragon and sends him shoulder first into the ringpost!
Simon Cruise peels Dragon from the turnbuckle and lifts him up into a belly to back backbreaker
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Simon Cruise irish whips Little Dragon to the rope and leapfrogs on the first pass
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Little Dragon approaches, Cruise ducks down and catches a running blockbuster from Dragon! Little Dragon grabs his leg in a spinning toehold and then drops down into a figure four leglock!
The audience cheers and Simon Cruise drops back to the mat in pain. He shakes his head, refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon pushes down on Simon Cruise’s twisted legs, trying to break his knee. Cruise can’t reach the ropes and is fighting not to tap out.
Cruise desperately starts rocking and manages to turn Dragon over. Dragon yells out in pain as Cruise begins to act like he’s paddling
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s just asinine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is just having some fun in there, Phil.
Dragon works his way out of the counter and pulls himself toward the corner. Cruise stops paddling and tries to jump up on the board, but the damage from the figure four causes him to collapse to the mat. Dragon pulls himself up and sees Cruise down
Phillip Blauer: This man is a danger to himself and others.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls himself up and sees Cruise down so he comes off the ropes and connects with the side of his head with a shining wizard!
The Palm Springs fans let out a loud “OH!” and Cruise goes down like a redwood. Little Dragon climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon flips into a shooting star press!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Probably didn’t even mean to do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has every right to be shocked but instead he keeps up the pressure. He brings Cruise to his feet in a half nelson and drops him on his head with a lightning fast t-bone suplex!
Cruise looks dazed as Dragon leans over him and grabs wrist-control as he picks up the surfer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon pulls him into a ripcord lariat but Cruise ducks it and counters with a sleeper!
The audience pops as Simon Cruise cranking on Little Dragon’s carotid artery, Cruise tries to wear down the larger man. Dragon starts to stomp his foot, getting the Palm Springs crowd to start to clap in unison
Guillermo O’Bannon: The fans getting on Little Dragon’s side, trying to urge him out of that sleeper. Working his way towards the corner, Little Dragon swings his legs up and uses the top turnbuckle to roll backwards into a pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise releases the sleeper!
Simon Cruise is able to get to his feet first as the damage from that sleeper has been done. He steps on the backs of Little Dragon’s knees, Cruise wastes no time and locks in Dragon’s legs. Cruise then pops Dragon’s ribs on both sides, causing Dragon to reach back. Cruise catches Dragon’s arms, then rocks back into a mexican surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Control!! This is the move he used to end the match with Dana “The Drone” Daniels in Oakland and Moondog Dook in Portland! Dragon is locked in and can only yell.
Kelly O’Connell asks Little Dragon if he gives up, but Dragon keeps fighting. The fans chant “DRA-GON! DRA-GON! DRA-GON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon slips his right arm from Cruise’s grip! Cruise is forced to release the hold and rolls Dragon onto his stomach.
Both men rush to their feet, Little Dragon throws a roundhouse kick but it’s ducked and Simon Cruise counters with a high angle thrust kick that sends Dragon through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kickflip sends Little Dragon to the apron!
Simon climbs through the ropes and dropkicks Little Dragon in the groin, doubling him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Grounded Cruise Missle to where no man wants it! He scoops him up into a michinoku driver II on the unforgiving apron!!
The crowd’s enthusiasm was slightly dampened by the vicious move by Cruise. Simon ignores them and rolls his prey into the ring and climbs between the ropes. He drops down and stalks Dragon, waiting for him to get up. Little Dragon starts to get to his feet and then Cruise takes him out of his boots with a spinning spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barrel Roll!! Cruise hooks the leg!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise lifts up Dragon and scoops him up into a tombstone but Dragon escapes out the back and german suplexes Cruise!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls his shoulder up
Pointing to the corner, Dragon makes a beeline for it and leaps once more to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can he get that DSD Backstabber? Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles to meet him halfway with a kneelift under his chin! Superplex off the top rope from Simon Cruise!!
The fans cheer wildly, but Simon Cruise isn’t done. He hangs on, rolls his hips until he and Little Dragon are back at the suplex position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise snap suplexing him! He rolls his hips into a second snap suplex! Carnival Cruise!! He rolls him back up and then hooks his leg and drops him into a small package driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Acrisure Arena pops as Simon Cruise hops up and pretends to surf while “Riptide” from Vance Joy plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: They promised us a great match and we surely got it.
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is this music? Is that ukelele?? In wrestling music??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scores his biggest victory since returning to Hardkore World as a wrestler, defeating the son of Dragon Bely and Dragonatrix, Little Dragon!
Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm and he gets a big ovation from the fans, and he motions that he loves them too
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with his 4th win in a row and definitely making a case for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane has better things to do than defend the West Coast title against Bill & Ted.
Little Dragon sticks his hand out, and Simon Cruise immediately shakes it and raises Little Dragon’s arm as well getting a big reaction from the Palm Springs fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Great show of sportsmanship from two of Hardkore World’s top new stars! Don’t go away, fans…
Phillip Blauer: They can’t. It’s pay-per-view.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, right. The Stairway to Heaven match between The Sheik and Alexander Von Blankenship is coming right up!
Jimmy Valentine Jr. stands in front a desk filled with Hardkore Action Figures.
Jimmy Valentine Jr.: What’s up, children and adult men collectors? I’m Jimmy Valentine Jr., Hardkore World merchandise guy and fantasy football commissioner. Hardkore World is excited to announce the release of a new set of classic Hardkore Action Figures!
Cut to two children playing with Disney’s Marty Donovan and Kalmin Watts action figures in a toy Hardkore ring
First Boy: (holding Kalmin Watts) You cannot withstand The Sooner Squeeze!!
Second Boy: (holding Marty Donovan) Stream Star Wars: Young Jedi Adventures!! Starting April 26th!
Cut to still shots of 7 inch rubber action figures with Jimmy Valentine Jr’s voice over:
Alexander Von Blankenshiip!
Little Dragon!
Cross Recoba with his titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen comes with Mickie Fury!
“High Roller Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein with his Peacemaker staff!
The Sheik comes with Malcolm Xavier Graves who’s got a cane!
A collectible Hardkore Jonnie Valentine with attachable pacifier and painters mask!
Kilroy Evans with Dinky the donkey!
And our top seller…ring announcer Greg Jin!
And the new Mir Match Playset!
Jimmy Valentine Jr.: Wherever fine toys are sold!
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside that is now littered with tables, chairs, and a ladder in the middle of the ring and one one the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we are back and it is time to see two men who hate each other tear one another down the very last molecule. Alexander Von Blankenship returned to Hardkore World and resorted back to his old ways by immediately double crossing The Sheik and costing him the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. The Sheik got even by abducting a human being.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik got even by abducting a human being. A felony that carries a possible life sentence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is true, Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik have got Hasbulla, embarrassing Hardkore World, which I’m sure is his intent.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. “The Punisher” Dan Stein walks out behind him. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Look at this kid. Putting on a brave face while being worried sick about his little kemosabe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They clearly bonded on MTV’s The Challenge, winning the million dollars. Now, AVB is Hasbulla’s only hope.
Phillip Blauer: Winning that money wasn’t easy. During the swimming things, Hasbulla had to ride AVB like a log. If it wasn’t for that crazy straw…he would have drowned.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better then you" as he goes by. Dan Stein smacks away the fans that try and touch AVB
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing white satin boxing trunks, with a dark blue trim, with “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship says tonight his chance to prove he can get just as rough as the roughest man in Hardkore World, The Sheik.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ladder standing in front of the ring then stops. He gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing
Phillip Blauer: He’s not only very talented, but deeply spiritual. You gotta love it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB has shown that he can get down and dirty with the best of him like when he beat Kilroy Evans in a bloodbath in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament in April of 2022.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the ring and climbs the ladder. He gets to the top of the ladder and looking out towards the entire crowd. AVB yells out "Always Very Blessed!!"
Greg Jin: "The following is a Stairway to Heaven match with a 30 minute time limit! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is That Lucky Bastard, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as AVB seems to bathe in them with his eyes closed
Then “'Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the fans cheer. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves trailing behind him in hot pursuit
Phillip Blauer: This man is a felon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves treated Hasbulla well, I guess you could say. But they still abducted Hasbulla and deprived that man of his freedom.
The Sheik stops at ringside and points at Alexander Von Blankenship who is still standing on a ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik considers himself the uncrowned Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship after his matches with Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donovan. Many fans do as well.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, well, many of these fans apparently think deodorant lasts several days.
The Sheik slides into the ring and AVB drops down from his ladder in fear. Backing away from The Sheik, until he ducks between the second and top rope. Tommy Milligan backs The Sheik off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that unlike Alexander Von Blankenship, The Sheik doesn’t suck up to the right people. But The Sheik doesn’t care that AVB is Rat Bastard’s son. Tonight, he won’t have the protection of The Office, he’s alone in the ring with The Man from Rub' al Khali. From here on out, The Anointed are marked man when it comes to The Sheik
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Whirlwind of Destruction; The Storm of Violence..THE SHEIK!!!”
The fans cheer as The Sheik runs at Alexander Von Blankenship who drops to the mat
Stairway to Heaven Match
The Sheik vs. Alexander Von Blankenship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Alexander Von Blankenship enters the ring. Suddenly the lights go out
Phillip Blauer: What the-, what happened to the lights…Oh no! My fondue kit spilled hot cheese all over the table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: God, Phil, it’s everywhere. Why do you bring that thing everywhere?
Phillip Blauer: It was a Christmas gift from Wesley Crane!
Suddenly the lights come back on and Hasbulla is suspended over the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Hasbulla! And Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik have some how hung him over the ring!
Hasbulla cries for help as he swings over the ring
Phillip Blauer: The poor little guy, crying for help. I imagine. I don’t speak Russian. He could be saying he’s fine up there, but I really doubt…Boy, there is a lot of cheese on this desk. Looks worse in the light.
AVB walks up to The Sheik, chest to chest. The fans let out a collective “OHHHH!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think I see AVB’s Adam’s apple bobbing…
Alexander Von Blankenship goes to slap him but The Sheik grabs his wrist! The Palm Springs crowd cheers as Von Blankenship’s eyes bug out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not so fast!
AVB tries to talk his way out of it, but The Sheik slugs him in the face, popping the crowd. The Sheik grabs him by the hair and tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes and dives through the ropes into a plancha onto Alexander Von Blankenship!!
The audience roars! The Sheik pulls him up by the hair, but AVB comes up blasting with a hard chop to the chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks The Sheik with another hard chop. He presses The Sheik against the guardrail and smacks him with an overhand chop in the chest.
The fans “Woo!” as The Sheik clutches his chest and drops down to one knee. He grabs a chair from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. as AVB moves in for the kill
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses a chair into Von Blankenship’s head!!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a collective “OH!” AVB goes down while The Sheik sets up a chair in front of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs into the ropes and steps onto the chair to vault up into a triple jump moonsault on Alexander Von Blankenhip!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik pulls AVB up, but Alexander Von Blankenship pokes him in the eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker.
The Sheik grabs at his shoulder. Alexander Von Blankenship lies the ladder down across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB sets The Sheik up in front of the ladder. He plants his feet and snap suplexes The Sheik across the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans boo as The Sheik arches his back in pain. Dan Stein applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up but The Sheik floats over onto his feet behind him. The Sheik kicks AVB in the stomach, and then rocks him with an uppercut. The Sheik picks up the ladder and tosses it at Von Blankenship’s face!!
The sound of the ladder rocking off of AVB’s face rings through The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship is sprawled out on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops a leg across AVB’s face!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik waits for Alexander Von Blankenship to get to his feet, then hops onto the middle of the second rope. He backflips into a moonsault body press but AVB catches him and drops him into a backbreaker!
The Sheik flops around on the mat in agony. Alexander Von Blankenship starts stomping the small of Sheik’s back, and then sets up a chair in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In May of 2022, Alexander Von Blankenship made his debut defeating former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage in this very city. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, Alexander Von Blankenship lost to Syberus in the tournament final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Alexander Von Blankenship rolls The Sheik around into a swinging neckbreaker where the back of Sheik’s head hits the back of that chair!!
The audience lets out another “OH!” and The Sheik clutches the back of his head. AVB irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB goes for a spinebuster but The Sheik reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up and kicks him in the stomach, and then stands him up with an uppercut. He picks up the ladder and drags it towards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that ladder right at AVB’s face!!
The sound of the metal ladder rings through The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship clutches his face and rolls out of the ring to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls out of the ring and pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up, but AVB comes up firing with right hands. The Sheik and AVB are now brawling at ringside!
AVB reaches over and scratches The Sheik’s eyes. Alexander Von Blankenship then lays out The Sheik with a hard right hand. He picks up a ladder off of the arena floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs that ladder and rams the top of it into AVB’s stomach! He irish whips Von Blankenship into the railing so hard that he flips!
Alexander Von Blankenship lies upside down, leaning against the security rail. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands The Sheik a chair that he sets up in front of AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik gets a running start and vaults off the chair, catching a rising Alexander Von Blankenship with a leg lariat!
The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly! MXG slides a table out from under the ring and sets it up, but The Sheik lifts it up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that table, striking Alexander Von Blankenship in the face with it!
The Sheik leans the table against the guardrail. He pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips him, but AVB reverses it and shoots The Sheik into the table leaning against the railing!
The fans boo. Sheik holds the back of his head where it whipped back into the table, and staggers forward
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs his legs and spinebusters Sheik on the concrete!
AVB holds on to the railing and stomps Sheik’s knee over and over. Dan Stein hands Von Blankenship a ladder and AVB crashes it down across Sheik’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB lifts that ladder up again, but before he can bring it down across Sheik’s head, Sheik punches him in the stomach. He procures the ladder and tosses it at Von Blankenship’s face!!
The Sheik rams Alexander Von Blankenship’s face into the railing, and then he and Malcolm Xavier Graves lie a table bridging across the apron and the guardrail. He rolls into the ring and sets up a chair near the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, The Sheik defeated Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match, after losing to him in a previous match in Palm Springs in May of 2022, but now The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair, and springboard leg drops Alexander Von Blankenship through the table on the floor!!
The crowd erupts in cheers as The Sheik and AVB lie in the former table. Hasbulla looks worried as he swings over the ring
Phillip Blauer: Come on, Tommy! Disqualify him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a Stairway to Heaven match.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I assumed this was a religious match that proved the winner’s claim of an afterlife. I did think it was a strange way of proving one faith over the other, but what do I know?
The Sheik lays a couple of stomps on Alexander Von Blankenships’s face. He slides the ladder into the ring and sets it up near the ropes. He begins climbing up the rungs of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla able to sneak in a little punch to the back of The Sheik’s head as he passes by him on the ladder.
The Sheik’s eyes bug out as he turns around and looks at a terrified Hasbulla
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. He’s defenseless.
The Sheik pushes Hasbulla and he swings back. Malcolm Xavier Graves cackles at ringside
Phillip Blauer: I will admit, that is objectively funny.
Suddenly Alexander Von Blankenship climbs up the other side of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll tell you one person who doesn’t think it’s funny, and that’s Hasbulla’s partner on MTV’s The Challenge! He lights The Sheik up with punches at the top of the ladder. He scoops him up and gives him a fallaway slam off the middle of the ladder!!
The Acrisure Arena boos as both men lie on the mat, recovering
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was one of his father’s big moves, but I don’t know if he ever did it off of a ladder.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the ropes, but Malcolm Xavier Graves stands up on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB spits on MXG! Disgusting! Not really very many redeeming qualities in these two.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not true. AVB has that spiffy hair do. And The Sheik is nice to handicapped people like his manager.
AVB lays the ladder down in the middle of the ring, and then sets up The Sheik for a suplex in front of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up into a suplex, but drops Sheik’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex on the ladder!!
The Sheik arches his back in pain as the jeers get louder. Alexander Von Blankenship shouts up “I’m comin for you, lil man!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB irish whips him into the ropes but The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and hops back into a leg lariat!
The fans cheer, and The Sheik folds up the ladder as Alexander Von Blankenship gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hurls the ladder at AVB, connecting with his skull!
The impact sends Alexander Von Blankenship falling through the ropes to the floor below. Malcolm Xavier Graves slides a table out and starts setting it up at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: I fear AVB will rue the day he spit on MXG.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think AVB is a “rue the day” type of chap.
The Sheik rolls out of the ring and helps Graves load AVB onto the table. He slides back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle. MXG hands him a ladder to hold on to from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rides the ladder from the top turnbuckle onto Alexander Von Blankenship on a table through the to the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt with cheers! AVB lies in a broken table with a ladder on top of him while Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to help The Sheik recover at ringside. Finally The Sheik and MXG roll Von Blankenship back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up by the hair and goes to kick him, but AVB grabs his leg with a dragon screw leg whip. Sheik gets right back up, but this time Von Blankenship kicks him right in the balls!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Sheik’s arms and then lifts him up into an angel’s wings on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship with Purification on the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
The Sheik holds his ribs while AVB tries to catch his breath on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB up on his feet, and he picks up the ladder. He tries to smash it over The Sheik’s head, but The Sheik blocks it. He rips the ladder out of Von Blankenship’s hands, and bashes him in the head with it!
The Sheik sets up a chair in front of the ropes, and then lies the ladder on top of Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, and then springboard moonsaults the ladder on top of AVB!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a leg drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye, and then levels him with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB hits him upside the head with Ordained!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik stabs AVB in the forehead with a fork!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, The Sheik just picturing the forehead of AVB with that fork he smuggled in his baggy pants.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Alexander Von Blankenship staggers around the ring with blood flowing out of the cut over his eye, blinded. Malcolm Xavier Graves steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves swings at the blinded AVB with his cane but he catches it!
Phillip Blauer: Not too blind! Like Roy Orbison!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wrestling with MXG over that cane, but The Sheik comes off the top rope with a roundhouse kick! Dan Stein now in the ring, and he chases Malcolm Xavier Graves out, and around ringside.
The Sheik bludgeons AVB with the cane over and over, as Von Blankenship tries to cover up. Then The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle, and pulls the ladder up with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rides the ladder off the top rope, crashing down across the chest of Alexander Von Blankenship!!
Malcolm Xavier Graves escapes Dan Stein through the crowd. Inside the ring, The Sheik pulls him up to his feet and irish whips him into the ropes, he goes for a huracanrana but AVB reverses it into a barry white driver on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gives The Sheik Desecration onto the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Alexander Von Blankenship has bled all over his white satin boxing trunks. He motions for The Sheik to get to his feet, and then lays him out with a superman punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB knocks him out with The Baptism! Hasbulla now yelling to be brought down!
Alexander Von Blankenship sets up the ladder underneath Hasbulla and then begins climbing the rungs up towards him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship up on top and unhooks Hasbulla, and starts bringing him down the ladder.
Phillip Blauer: He’s done it! He has won the Lil Guy on a Pole match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he still has to…Malcolm Xavier Graves reappears and just threw a fireball at AVB’s face!!
The Palm Springs audience gasps as Alexander Von Blankenship and Hasbulla fall off the ladder. AVB clutches his face while Hasbulla beats out a part of his coat that caught fire
Phillip Blauer: That fiend! See why celebrities stay as far away as they can from here?
The Sheik lays in some stomps on AVB’s burned face and then lies the ladder on the mar. He rolls him on to the ladder and then climbs to the top turnbuckle, and Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an atomic arabian facebuster off top rope onto AVB on the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as "Seasons in the Abyss" by Stone Sour plays and The Sheik rolls off of Alexander Von Blankenship. He rips his arm away from Tommy Milligan when he tries to raise it
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH..THE SHEIK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was a match meant for vengeance, and The Sheik seemingly got it here tonight. Dan Stein and Hasbulla are pouring water bottles on AVB’s face and chest, where he was hit with that fireball by the dastardly Malcolm Xavier Graves.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik a sore loser after Alexander Von Blankenship won the match by winning the little guy on the hook.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, that’s not how you win a Stairway to Heaven match.
Dan Stein takes his Peacemaker wooden staff and tries to take The Sheik’s head off with it, but Malcolm Xavier Graves drags Sheik away in time
Guillermo O’Bannon: This may have started a whole new chapter between these two, and the MIR match is still coming up.
Open up at Hardkore headquarters, The Office, in Palm Springs, California. Simon Cruise is seated across from Judy Valentine Jr. in her cubicle of the open floor plan. There's a picture of her holding a bowling trophy with her team "The Cereal Bowlers". The mug on her desk says, “You Can All Come Out Now, I’ve Had My Coffee”. Simon is on his phone, trying no to look bored but clearly is.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Okey dokey. Sorry I had to drag you all the way down to The Office. I know you kids today are like (crazy lady voice) “This coulda been an email!”
Judy laughs. Simon kinda laughs. Judy keeps laughing, so Simon keeps laughing. Finally it dies down. First his, and then after an uncomfortably long time, so does hers
Simon Cruise: Nah - so impressional, happy to swing 'round. You still down with the pachyderms? I heard you liked drinking, so I brought you some Carlsberg Elephant beer.
Simon holds up the twelve pac with a big smile on his face. She does not return the favor, and suddenly all the air gets sucked out of the room. The laughter is gone, except for Simon’s nervous chuckle.
Judy Valentine Jr.: I see. And you think a twelve pack of beer is a good thing to bring to a meeting with your Talent Relations rep?
Simon Cruise: Um, nah but-
Judy Valentine Jr.: You would be correct.
Simon Cruise: Uh?
Simon sort of shrugs as the formerly jolly Judy is now giving him a death glare. The only noise is the clock ticking
Judy Valentine Jr.: It’s a great thing to bring to a meeting with this HR rep! Thank you! Let me take that off your hand. Just don’t let my Richie see….
Judy puts it on her desk
Simon Cruise: I hear that... and... Richie is your…?
Judy Valentine Jr.: (waves him off) Nevermind. Anywho. So like I said, this’ll be super easy. I already got all your W2’s from back when you worked here for Donnie Jr. I just need you to sign some stuff, and you can be on your way. Have ya been to the Forever Marilyn Statue?
Simon Cruise: I don't actually get out here too often, no beachfront-
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh ya gotta check that out. It’s a giant Marilyn Monroe statue we have in downtown Palm Springs. She’s got her dress blowing up so you can go under and look at her under bits. You know who Marilyn Monroe is, honey?
Simon Cruise: She dated Tommy Zahn...
Judy Valentine Jr.: Of course you do, I’m sure she’s still real big with the kids. You know she liked pills like that rapper guy. Lil Xan?
Simon Cruise: Oh yeah. He’s cool, I guess.
Judy Valentine Jr.: No, I was offering a little xanax, hon? Jonnie’s such a dear. He leaves the stuff laying around here in little candy dishes. And they are just the best little pick me up.
Simon Cruise: That's sweet of you Judy, but not my party of choice.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Anyway, I’m so sorry. I’m just talkin your ear off, you’re probably like (crazy lady voice) “This coulda been a text!”
Judy laughs. Simon sort of laughs. Judy’s just beside herself.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (wipes a tear) Oh, Judy. But I’m just waiting for this dang computer to fire up. Let’s see (puts her glasses on) It says “Password”. (looks at Simon) So what’s the password?
Simon blinks, not sure what she wants
Simon Cruise: That one gets me too. Like ALL the time. ...But I think it means your password.
Judy Valentine Jr.: My password? I don’t know. That know-it-all nephew of mine DJ made me change it. What was it? Oh, poop.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr drops by
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Knock knock!
Judy Valentine Jr.: Donnie!
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Aunt Judy!
Judy stands up to give her nephew a big hug. Donnie sits in the chair next to Simon
Donnie Valentine Jr.: How ya doin kid?
Simon Cruise: Word up Donnie - me and your aunt are just chilling like villains.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: That’s great to hear. You know, don’t think you’ve gotten so big you can’t ask your old boss to come out with you some time. I can show you where all the best rats are. Most of them are married with children now, but it’s just nice to talk to someone sometimes, ya know?
Simon Cruise: And how, Donnie - thanks for the consideration. As for the plus ones, I bet half the kids have that Valentine chin.
Judy Valentine Jr.: So what brings my favorite nephew?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Aw, just picking up my paycheck. People been tellin me to do direct deposit, but I’m holdin out until the banks start giving away toasters like they used to.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Is that toaster of yours still broke?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Two years. But it’s a waiting game. Oh! We’re drinking in The Office again?
Simon Cruise: That’s actually for…
Donnie loudly rips the top of the cardboard box, and reaches inside the clanking twelve pac for his bottle of beer
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh go ahead.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (takes a sip) I thought we couldn’t drink since Richie got pulled over after the Oscar party.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Bless his heart. I always told my Richie, “If you ever have too much to drink and think you can’t drive home, just take the back roads.”
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Didn’t he tell the cops his name?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Poor dear was so scared he used his working name.
Simon Cruise: So the referee Richie is actually…
Judy Valentine Jr.: Donnie, what’s my password?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Isn’t it one of your cats?
Judy Valentine Jr.: It used to be but DJ made me change it.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (takes another sip) Oh, kid. What did you say this beer was?
Simon Cruise: Carlsberg Elephant beer. The one where you can't drink to forget...
Donnie Valentine Jr.: They make beer from elephants now? They can do anything! You can kind of taste the ivory in here. It tastes “endangered”?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh, I gotta try this.
Judy reaches in and grabs a beer out of the case. Donnie offers her a bottle opener, but she pops it open with her teeth and spits the cap out
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh yeah. It has a nutty flavor. Probably from the peanuts this elephant ate at the circus before he got killed for not standing on the ball and got turned into beer. Hey Greg! Greg!
Hardkore ring announcer is walking by but stops in his tracks. He points at himself questioningly
Greg Jin: (whispers) Are we drinking in The Office again?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (whispers) Yeah!
Greg Jin: (looks around) We’re not worried about Richie anymore?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Nah, fuck em.
Greg Jin: Oh, thank god. The day I’ve had.
Donnie reaches in and hands it to Judy. Judy bites down on the top and twists the cap off with one swift motion. Judy spits out the beer cap while Donnie hands the bottle to Greg
Judy Valentine Jr.: Greg, what’s my pass…
Greg Jin: SeXXXYGr@ndma69
Judy Valentine Jr.: That’s the one.
Judy types it in and you can hear a positive ding signifying she got in. Greg nods and takes a long pull from his beer as everyone else does the same to avoid the awkwardness. Simon takes a cue from them and pulls out a beer from the case
Judy Valentine Jr.: May I?
Simon Cruise: Hmm? Knock yourself out.
Judy opens the beer with his teeth and spits out the cap. She hands the foaming over beer back to Simon
Simon Cruise: Thanks.
Cruise looks around at the Valentines for a moment, before busting a smile.
Simon Cruise: I've missed this place.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and his rag tag group of employees set up tables, bridging from apron to railing, two deep, all around the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As you fans can see, it is time for our first Mir Match in 15 years.
Phillip Blauer: Men breaking tables until you’re sick of it, and then they continue to break them until you love it all over again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last one was at Palm Springs Punishment 2008 when Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini defeated Hardkore Britain Grand Champion Levi Watts and Hardkore South Heavyweight Champion: Paul Soutter. But that was to decide who got a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage. This match is the first battle in a sure to be upcoming war between Tuxedo Mask and the man he betrayed, Kilroy Evans.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and yawns at the reaction. Two time Hardkore World Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae walks out behind him.
Tux walks to the right side of the ramp and takes a bow as the audience heckles him. Ri Eun-Ae rolls her eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says he is tired of helping everyone else, and it’s time to help himself for a change. That may be, but that was no excuse for what he did to Kilroy in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: I know I’m always right about everything, but with Tux I may have be wro-...I may have been wro-...I may have been misinformed about him. This guy has it all. Looks, he’s hip, and he no longer has to worry about driving with a guy that makes them pull over every time he wants to prove he can eat all 31 flavors.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He could have just not teamed with Kilroy anymore if he felt that way, but instead he cost his the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy was more than OK, with Tux no longer having the Hardkore World tag team championship, and so Tux made sure they were even.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp but the audience just jeers him. He gives them a patronizing bow and then slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of hate from his former fans
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask. Tux removes the tailcoat and mask after he enters the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy offered Tux a chance to back out of this, he doesn’t want to fight his former friend, but Tux was as flippant about that as he is about everything else.
Phillip Blauer: That’s because Kilroy’s terrified.
Tux removes the tailcoat and mask
Greg Jin: “The following is a Mir Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Ri Eun-Ae!
Ri Eun-Ae gets a polite reaction she seems slightly embarrassed by
Greg Jin: “From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of the Pro Wrestling Observer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd boos thunderously
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and the Palm Springs crowd leaps to their feet! Kilroy walks through the curtain with a stern look on his face. A fan holds out his old action figure and Kilroy only faintly nods at it while walking to the ring with a purpose
Phillip Blauer:What’s his problem? Did catering run out of corn dogs again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, but that’s not it. Kilroy was deeply hurt by Tux’s betrayal. He’s tried repeatedly to get Tux to pick up, but has gotten no answer. He doesn’t want this match to happen, he doesn’t want to hurt one of his best friends. If he can do anything to prevent this, he’ll do it.
Yolanda Ando: From the fashion perspective, I concur. No fun shirt tonight, just a regular Hardkore World shirt he probably got from Jimmy Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer:Egads, but Jimmy charges the boys full retail!
Yolanda Ando: That’s right, Phil. He’s also wearing jeans and sneakers to complete the ensemble.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As you can tell by the look on his face, Kilroy takes no pleasure in what he has to do tonight. But like he said, this is personal. He is going to put his ex-friend through some tables.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The fans cheer loudly but Kilroy doesn’t even react just stares at Tuxedo Mask, who slightly gulps
Mir Match
Kilroy Evans vs. Tuxedo Mask
Richie Richardson goes to signal for the bell, but Kilroy catches his arm. The audiences “Ooooh”s
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like Kilroy wants to give Tux one last chance to stop this.
Phillip Blauer: Why is Richie listening to him? Why is anyone listening to him??
Kilroy Evans: “Is there anything you wanna say before we start?”
Phillip Blauer: I’ve never seen him Kilroy so scared since they canceled Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.
Tuxedo Mask blinks and scoffs initially but Ri Eun-Ae starts to counsel him. Even as the audience’s boos grew louder, Tux starts to mull it over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask looking like Ri Eun-Ae’s position has given him pause.
The Palm Springs fans start to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” as a conflicted Tuxedo Mask’s confident facade begins to crack
Phillip Blauer: Don’t tell me I was wr-...I was wro-...I was wro-...I misjudged this guy again. This is Phil Spector all over again.
The Acrisure Arena continues to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” as Tuxedo Mask motions for the microphone from Kilroy Evans
Tuxedo Mask: “As you know, I can be a bit of a hot head..”
Ri Eun-Ae nods and the fans laugh
Tuxedo Mask: “You’re right. I should have just talked to you. I was just so angry about losing the Hardkore World Tag Team titles that I guess I wanted to blame you.”
Ri Eun-Ae claps and gets the crowd to applaud with her. Tuxedo Mask nods, appreciating the fans forgiveness
Tuxedo Mask: “I kind of feel bad I made Donnie and his carnies set up all these tables. But is it ok if we just cancel this crazy thing?”
Kilroy Evans: *nods* Alright.
The Palm Springs fans roar as Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask hug in the center of the ring! Ri Eun-Ae jubilantly raises her arms
Phillip Blauer: You mean we did this all for nothing??
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Society of the New Breed is back together again and…
Tuxedo Mask does a split and punches Kilroy Evans in the balls!! The air goes out of The Acrisure Arena for a full 5 seconds
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? Why would he…? Tuxedo Mask just wounded the man he just embraced as a friend!
Ri Eun-Ae covers her mouth and exits the ring. Richie Richardson vacantly nods and signals for Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask swings around with a roundhouse enzuigiri!
Tuxedo Mask hits another split, and then bounces; showing off his flexibility and mocking Kilroy and the audience as the jeers are deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled twice at Palm Springs Punishment. In 2005, Kilroy and Andrew Karnage successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a fire match. In 2009, Kilroy Evans competed in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title tournament where he defeated The Shootfighter and Tux beat Poke the Clown in the first round. Then Kilroy defeated Tuxedo Mask in the second, but lost to Matthew X in the semi-finals. He twists Kilroy Evans’ arm.
Tuxedo Mask gives Kilroy Evans’ arm another twist. The fans boo as Tux shakes his hair away from his face. He runs up the turnbuckles and then begins tightrope walking as the heckling gets louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask now walking along the top rope, showing incredible balance. He leaps over Kilroy’s shoulder into a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the hair, and hauls off and punches him. Kilroy just glares at him and Tux cautions Evans to stay calm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That flips a switch in Kilroy and he runs at Tuxedo Mask, hammering him with a flurry of right hands!
The crowd erupts as Tux flops into the corner from the power of those punches. Kilroy gives him no space, and pops him in the kidneys and jaw with punch after punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy smashes Tuxedo Mask in the face with a headbutt. He grabs him by the hair, and cracks him with a second headbutt. He begins choking Tuxedo Mask!
The Palm Springs fans pop as Tux’s eyes bug out and his face turns red from lack of oxygen.
Tuxedo Mask: (struggling to breathe) “Richie…please…I bought you…beer.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson tries to peel Kilroy Evans off of Tux, but he’s not budging. Kilroy now choking Tux on the ropes!
Kilroy pushing down on the back of Tux’s head, crushing his windpipe against the rope. Richie Richardson does his best, which is almost nothing, to get him off of Tuxedo Mask
Phillip Blauer: Someone get that crazed hick out of there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans finally releases him and irish whips him into the ropes catching him with a roundhouse kick!
Tuxedo Mask charges in but Kilroy drop toeholds him throat first into the second rope. Kilroy runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy jumps on Tux’s back, jamming his throat into the second rope!
Kilroy Evans pulls Tuxedo Mask up into a headlock, then running bulldogs his face into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans jerks Tux up to his feet in a full nelson, and then full nelson suplexes him, no bridge, all impact!
Tux folds up like a lawn chair, and then lands on his stomach. Kilroy Evans lifts him up in a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans drops Tux on his head with a brainbuster!
Kilroy gets on top of Tuxedo Mask and hammers him repeatedly with right hands as the crowd roots him on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up to his feet and slugs him. He hangs onto him and goes for another big right, but Tuxedo Mask ducks and atomic drops Kilroy’s groin on the top rope!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as Tuxedo Mask tries to recover. The fans chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Total desperation move there. Tuxedo Mask bounces into the ropes and koppo kicks Kilroy over the ropes to the tables, but it doesn’t break!
The Palm Springs fans “OH!” Kilroy Evans awkwardly stands up on the table next to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now standing on that floor of tables outside the ring in a Mir Match!
Phillip Blauer: I was wondering what in Sam Hill this match was about. What’s a Mir?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was the Russian space station that was falling apart when this match was named. It was very funny at the time.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll have to take your word for it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself over the ropes and DDTs Kilroy Evans through the table on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly. Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lie in the first of many broken tables of the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask gets to his feet and rolls Kilroy back into the ring. He sets his throat on the second rope as Kilroy did to him earlier. Tux runs into the ropes and jumps through the other side, swinging around into a 619 kick!
Evans staggers backwards, holding his face and Tuxedo Mask steps back through the ropes into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux handsprings into a spear that cuts Kilroy in half!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and grabs a table. He slides the table into the ring and then rolls into the ring as well. Tux leans the table against the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask irish whips Kilroy into the corner with the table, and Evans crashes into it! Tux runs in after him, but Kilroy bounces off the table and catches Tux with a belly to belly suplex through the table!!
The fans leap to their feet, chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as Tux lies upside down in a broken table in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy stomps Tux’s face over and over! He scoops Tuxedo Mask up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Tuxedo Mask clutches his shoulder, rolling over onto his side. Kilroy Evans lifts him up into ties their legs up into a russian leg sweep position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pitches forward into a reverse russian leg sweep!
Kilroy Evans grinds Tuxedo Mask’s face into the canvas as the fans cheer. Kilroy lifts him to his feet and scoops him up but Tux floats over into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask reverse suplexes Kilroy’s midsection on the ropes, hanging him. Tux runs into the ropes and handsprings into a huracanrana on the perched Kilroy, putting him through the table onto the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo and start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lie in the broken table at ringside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Ri Eun-Ae sitting at ringside, looking conflicted
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans about to have splinters in places he didn’t know he had places.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask rolls Kilroy back into the ring and follows him in. He lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, and then drops Evans’ throat on the top rope!
Kilroy Evans covers his throat, trying to draw a breath while the crowd boos Tuxedo Mask. Tux pulls Kilroy up in a ¾ nelson facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a shiranui seated DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the hair, and slugs him with a right hand. He continues to hold the top of his hair, and pops Evans with another right cross. He swings with a wild left, but Kilroy ducks it and hits a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring onto the bridged tables, trying to recover
Guillermo O’Bannon: It hasn’t been all been victories here in the Desert. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Rated X defeated Kilroy Evans for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship in a barbed wire match.
Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Tux up into a full nelson on those tables at ringside. He lurches forward into a skull crushing finale onto the table!!
The Palm Springs crowd lets out a “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: Ugh! Tux’s head somehow didn’t break it!
Kilroy stands back up and pulls Tuxedo Mask’s head into his legs while standing on a different table. A smile creeps across Kilroy’s his face
Phillip Blauer: What is that shitkicker smiling about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Kilroy doesn't seem as upset at the table breaking, but pleased that he gets to keep trying. He piledrives Tuxedo Mask through the table!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with a deafening pop! Kilroy grimaces against the broken table, while Tuxedo Mask is motionless
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up and irish whips him into the railing!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain as he hits the steel. Kilroy Evans runs and spears Tux into the guardrail! Tuxedo Mask crumbles against the security rail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Killry pulls him back up into a butterfly position and then drops down into a double underhook facebreaker!
Phillip Blauer: It’s clear that he wants to destroy the immaculate face of Tuxedo Mask. For months, he saw the show poster, and saw that Tuxedo Mask’s chiseled face made his own homely presentation look freakish in comparison. In fact, Tux had to talk several local municipalities out of holding Kilroy for experimentation…
Kilroy goes straight to Blauer, yanks him up by a big handful of his shirt and tie, and angrily looks him in the eye
Kilroy Evans: This ain't the night, Phillip!
Kilroy then lets go of him and then pulls up one of the tables and leans it against the railing
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, did you see that? (tries to regain his composure) I’m shaking. Did you see that violation of my free speech?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I did. Someone finally heard what you say about them.
Phillip Blauer: I had no idea that could happen!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans irish whips him but Tuxedo Mask reverses it and shoots Evans into the table leaned against the guardrail!
Tuxedo Mask slides one of the tables into the ring and then rolls in himself. Tux leans the table against the turnbuckles in the corner, and then backs up into the diagonal corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask gets a running start and runs up the table into a shooting star press onto Kilroy Evans, breaking the table!!
The audience boos as Tux rolls around the ringside mat in pain, while Kilroy Evans leans against the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two know that they have to pull out all the stops, as both of them can end this match in a minute!
Tuxedo Mask finally gets to his feet and rolls back into the ring. He waits for Kilroy Evans to get back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux runs into the ropes and then baseball slides under the bottom rope into a helicopter huracanrana on Kilroy Evans onto the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo as Kilroy and Tux lie against the guardrail. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Ri Eun-Ae in the crowd biting her lip
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae friends with both of these men. She can’t believe that they’re at each other’s throats.
The crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask rolls Kilroy Evans back into the ring near the corner. He climbs onto the apron and steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops onto the second turnbuckle and then ricochets into a split legged moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the corner in a front facelock. He stands up onto the second turnbuckle. Tux jumps off into a tornado DDT but Kilroy Evans reverses it into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Kilroy Evans steps over Tuxedo Mask’s head and applies a stump puller. He leans back with Tux’s heels in his hands, bending him in half. Richie Richardson asks him if he wants to give up, but Tuxedo Mask refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans plants his feet and pulls back on Tuxedo Mask’s legs in the stump puller!
Kilroy Evas pulls Tuxedo Mask up to his feet in a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans twists Tux into a swinging neckbreaker!
Tuxedo Mask sits up, holding the back of his neck. Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up to his feet, and then irish whips him, but Tux dives through Richie Richardson’s legs. Kilroy nearly runs into Richie Richardson and they both back off
Phillip Blauer: Get out of the way, Richie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard moonsaults both Kilroy Evans and Richie Richardson!!
The crowd boos as all three men lay out in the middle of the ring. Tuxedo Mask finally gets to his feet and lifts Kilroy onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask drops Kilroy’s throat on the top rope with a TKO hotshot!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Tuxedo Mask steps onto the second rope, hops up and hits his legs on the top rope into a split legged moonsault but Kilroy puts his knees up!! The fans erupt in cheers as Tux clutches his ribs and rolls to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans throws Tux through the ropes out onto the bridged tables. He goes out there with them and lifts him into a butterfly position, then double underhook DDTs him through the tables!!
The Palm Springs audience roars as Kilroy seemingly is not done, and rolls Tux back up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now up onto the apron and pulls Tux back up into a full nelson, and then does a skull crushing finale through another table!!
The audience chants “KIL-ROY! KIL-ROY! KIL-ROY!” as they lay out face down on the broken tables
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are used to Kilroy creating memorable moments here at Palm Springs Punishment. In 2008, he beat Disney’s Marty Donovan in what many consider the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: They said it couldn’t be done.
A hurt but determined Kilroy slowly rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring and then follows behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans about to make the cover but…no, he pulls him up to his feet! Kilroy seems to want to break every table in this building with Tux’s body because he doesn’t think he deserved what happened to him. He irish whips Tux into the ropes and belly to belly suplexes him over the ropes through the tables below!!
The Acrisure Arena is on their feet applauding as Kilroy stares down at Tux lying on the broken table
Phillip Blauer: Can he hear me?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy? No, I don’t think so.
Phillip Blauer: Good, because he does deserve this. He tried to glom on to the younger Tux…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux has to be in his early 40s…
Phillip Blauer: …and Tux finally said enough is enough.
Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring and pulls Tux up by the mask and rolls him back into the ring. He pulls a fire extinguisher from underneath the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now in the ring with that fire extinguisher!
Phillip Blauer: And I don’t think he’s gonna use it in the funny hi jinx way. I think he’s going to cave in Tux’s skull!
A groggy Tuxedo Mask gets to his knees and Kilroy Evans screams and lifts the fire extinguisher over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Ri Eun-Ae! She’s in between them!
Ri Eun-Ae crouches over a helpless Tux, begging Kilroy not to hurt him. Kilroy pauses and tells her to get out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae refusing to let Kilroy do this. He’s gotten carried away and his friend of twenty years knows that look in his eyes.
Kilroy Evans looks at the fire extinguisher and thinks for a few moments. She tries to talk some sense into him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now sheepishly putting it down. Tux sees his opportunity and gets to his feet but Ri Eun-Ae holds him back as well.
Both Tux and Kilroy struggle to get at one another as Ri Eun-Ae pushes them away from each other. Ri Eun-Ae starts to get tussled in the fracas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae starting to get pulled into this and she instinctively drops down and gives both men a low blow!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!” as Tux and Kilroy both cross their legs and fall down like redwoods. An embarrassed Ri Eun-Ae slightly apologizes and excuses herself out of the ring
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that a fine how-do-ya-do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know what that is but both men are down!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Referee Richie Richardson checks both men for life, and then begins the double count
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Tuxedo Mask rolls to his side while Kilroy is still sprawled out
Five!
Six!
Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up to the ropes, while Kilroy Evans rolls onto his hands and knees
Seven!
Eight!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask is up! He staggers over to Kilroy, but Kilroy slugs him with a right hand! He starts biting Tux!
Tuxedo Mask screams in pain, desperately looking for escape. He finally slips away and gets underneath Evans with a saito suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle, as Kilroy staggers to his feet. Evans tries to stop Tux, but from all the punishment and tables, Kilroy just collapses into the ropes…crotching Tuxedo Mask!
The fans erupt and Tuxedo Mask is trapped on the top turnbuckle steel cable hook on his already aching groin. Kilroy notices his predicament and steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans climbs to the top turnbuckle, and grabs Tux in a front waistlock for a belly to belly superplex through the tables…but Tux brings his knee up into Evans’ balls!
The Acrisure Arena rains boos as Tuxedo Mask headbutts Kilroy, and then double underhooks his arms. He flips into a sunset tigerbomb off the top rope through the tables
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz through the tables!!
Tuxedo Mask desperately tries to roll Kilroy Evans into the ring, and finally succeeds. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask flips off the top with a corkscrew 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Phillip Blauer: I love it!
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Tuxedo Mask rolls over with one hand raised in the air. Ri Eun-Ae enters the ring and looks down at Kilroy Evans, sprawled out on the mat
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 38 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with one of the biggest victories of his career, a big win over two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and his former friend Kilroy Evans.
Phillip Blauer: Finally out of the enormous shadow of Kilroy, which can take some doing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hope it was worth it, turning his back on the guy who protected him over and over from attacks by The Anointed. Turning his back on the people who have cheered him since he started here in Hardkore World nearly twenty years ago.
Ri Eun-Ae helps Tuxedo Mask, who has a slight grin
Phillip Blauer: Look at that smile on his face, I think you can see that just made his 2023.
Kilroy slowly rolls out of the ring to the ringside area. Tuxedo Mask climbs up on the second turnbuckle and soaks in the jeering and heckling from the Palm Springs crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a career highlight here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 but Kilroy Evans looks like he wishes this all could have been avoided and wishes they could put this all behind them.
Kilroy Evans walks to the back as fans pat his arms and shoulders as he walks by. Tuxedo Mask backflips off the second rope and lands in an impressive crouch. He’s now feeding off of the virtrial of the Acrisure Arena
Phillip Blauer: These people never knew what they had with Tuxedo Mask, but now that he doesn’t have a bunch of hangers on like The Cupcake Crew, The Society of the New Breed and Kilroy, he doesn’t have to run anything by anyone anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we have so much more to come with our two championship matches. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match is up next!
Fans, Hardkore World isn’t the only game in town in greater Palm Springs, don’t forget there’s also
That’s right at the Palm Springs VFW this weekend we’ve got, great PSOW action including:
General Admission is $3! Front row is $1 because you will be sprayed with fluorescent light bulb glass and you will be assaulted during most moves on the outside
Stay after the event where we will be having autograph signings, and you could win the chance to drive a PSOW Superstar home!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next fans is our Hardkore World Tag Team Championship match between Wesley Crane and Dan Stein, The Anointed vs. Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts. Donzig in Wrestle UK has ordered Gavin Drake to take those titles and Gavin has been asking to get revenge on Stein for eliminating him and Onyx Breakker in their match in San Francisco back in February, and Kalmin Watts is looking to get his first gold here in Hardkore World!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma marching band plays and the fans cheer. Anthony Jordan and a robe draped Emily Black step through the curtain with their clients, the shadowy figure Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts with his arms raised
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here they are, Watts and Drake!
Gavin Drake nods to himself, staring at the Palm Springs crowd before he throws a fist in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake is not a fan of tag team matches.
Phillip Blauer: Kind of like an English Bad News Brown. ‘Bit a Trouble Brown.
Gavin Drake starts down the ramp, rolling inside the ring. Emily Black follows behind him. Kalmin Watts interacts and slaps hands with fans as Jordan stays in his ear giving him advice
Guillermo O’Bannon: But The Scourge wants the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, and Drake is at heart a loyal soldier for Donzig.
Phillip Blauer: Wait, what? What’s The Scourge? Why would they want to take The Anointed’s iron grip on Hardkore gold. What happened to honor amongst heels?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Kalmin Watts has been hard at work training with Scorpion, right here at Acrisure Arena for this match. He’s been dying to get Wesley Crane in the ring and take him down a few pegs.
Phillip Blauer: Wes is fine on the peg he’s on.
Once he gets to ringside, Watts walks up the stairs, wipes his boots on the apron, and enters the ring. He walks to his corner and focuses on his match ahead as Jordan climbs up onto the apron to build upon his earlier advice. Emily Black steps under the ropes to enter the ring as Gavin Drake leans across the ropes screaming at the audience before he turns away
Yolanda Ando: Gavin Drake wears a kilt with black trunks, and black boots. Kalmin Watts wears a classic singlet, but it is Oklahoma crimson with Oklahoma cream trim.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts have teamed before in LA, but they will be taking on the more experienced team of Wesley Crane and Dan Stein, but if anyone can make it work, it is these two powerhouses.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Emily Black; From Carlisle, Cumbria; Standing 6 feet 3 inches; Weighing 253 pounds, The Son of the Conqueror…GAVIN DRAKE!!! His partner is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; From Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds, Former Wrestle UK British Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The fans give them a huge ovation as they both raise their arms
The Acrisure Arena darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again. “I’m So Paid” by Akon plays over the PA as “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein step out on to the apron, covered in gold. Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone while Stein still has a scowl on his face. Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Phillip Blauer: Look at all that gold! I gotta get some shades of my own. Gordon, give me those sunglasses you wear in production meetings so no one knows when you’ve passed out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) Here. But it’s true, look at that shimmering from the Wrestle UK World Heavyweight Championship, Hardkore West Coast Championship, and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Crane and Stein slowly make their way down to the ring with Wesley looking around at the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane’s ribs are a little worse for wear after his Elimination Chamber match in Belfast, Northern Ireland for Wrestle: UK but he didn’t seem very worried about it. With some questionable wins over Kalmin Watts over in England and Ireland, he walks into this match with some confidence.
Phillip Blauer: Wes doesn’t worry about nothing. He’s still counting his money from betting LSU to win the women’s tournament and then bet the parlay that John Cena’s gimmick would get stolen. What are the odds??
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots, and his elbow taped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Once they’re ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring with Dan Stein.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has had an impressive career here in Palm Springs Punishment. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he went nearly an hour but won a barbed wire battle royal to advance to the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Phillip Blauer: Seems drastic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Stein and Lucifer Jones lost the Hardkore World Tag Team titles as LSD to Andrew Karnage and Adrian Tanner Jr., as The Un-Stable. But at Palm Springs Punishment 2007, it was a MIR Match between all the Hardkore region champions and the Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Dan Stein defeated Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion the late Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers.
Phillip Blauer: Nasty Ned still owes me for trans to San Diego one night. Is he on Facebook you think?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan says he is looking forward to stepping into the ring with Kalmin Watts, a youngster he sees a little of himself in. He wants to show him all about Dad Strength.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from The D, Detroit, Michigan; He Stands 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The Danimal, Dan The Man…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds, The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion and HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…’THE HIGH ROLLER’ WESLEY CRANE!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Wesley Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open while Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match
The Anointed ("The High Roller" Wesley Crane and "The Punisher" Dan Stein)
vs.
Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake
Kalmin Watts and Wesley Crane elect to start out as Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two are quite familiar with one another from across the pond. Crane and Watts lock up jockey for position. Kalmin Watts grabs a headlock.
Wesley Crane backs up and then pushes Kalmin Watts into the ropes. Watts comes back with a shoulder block that knocks him to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane gets right back up, but Watts is ready for him with a double leg takedown. Watts tries to turn him over into a boston crab, but Crane uses his legs to twist Kalmin to the mat.
Crane rolls out of the ring to the floor, and the fans applaud Kalmin Watts. Kelly O’Connell holds Kalmin back, while Dan Stein counsels his partner at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Big Brain Crane wisely getting out of the ring before things escalated.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane back in the ring and again they lock up, and again Kalmin gets the advantage with a side headlock. Crane tries to push him off, but Watts hangs on to the headlock.
Crane tries to scratch Watts' eyes, while the Sooner grinds that headlock. Wesley is successful on his second attempt of shoving Watts off into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane drops down, and Watts crosses over him to the other side of the ropes. Crane back up and hip tosses Watts on his way back, but Kalmin blocks it. Watts counters with a hip throw of his own!
Crane sits up in pain, as the fans cheer Kalmin Watts’ strength. Watts tags in Gavin Drake.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake drops Wesley Crane with a side suplex.
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Drake irish whips Crane into the corner and follows him in a few steps behind with an avalanche!
Gavin Drake bends Crane’s arm behind his head in the corner and then hits him in the chest with a heart punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls him up for a suplex, but Wesley Crane blocks it. Crane counters with a suplex of his own and then drops him on his head with a brainbuster!
The fans boo as Wesley Crane stomps head and back, and then tags in “The Punisher” Dan Stein
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into an abdominal stretch! He plants that foot and leans that tall frame back, stretching Drake backwards.
Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Drake wants to quit but he shakes his head. Stein reaches back and grabs Wesley Crane’s outstretched hand, using it for illegal leverage. The Palm Springs fans boo
Phillip Blauer: It’s like the motivational poster I have on my vision board. “Team Work, Makes The Dream Work.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, but come on, this is blatant cheating!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do anything that rhymes. I Stay Alive By Driving 55. I Click It So I Don’t Ticket. And I always remind the ladies that it’s not the size of one’s boat but the motion of one’s ocean.
Kelly O’Connell hears the boos and Emily Black’s complaints and tries to look behind Dan Stein, but by then he’s let go of Crane’s hand. Dan Stein cinches in the abdominal stretch, so O’Connell returns to the front to ask Gavin if he wants to submit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein once again grabbing Wesley Crane’s hand, using it for leverage to make the abdominal stretch that much more painful. Kelly O’Connell can’t see it!
Kalmin Watts can’t take it any longer and goes in to the ring to alert Kelly O’Connell to the infraction. Dan Stein lets go of Crane’s hand to avoid getting caught
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake plants his foot and is able to escape the abdominal stretch with a hip toss! Dan Stein gets to his feet, but Gavin Drake catches him with a nice dropkick!
The Palm Springs fans pop! Gavin Drake motions for Dan Stein to stand up. He points at Stein, muttering some threats
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein takes a swing at him but Gavin Drake ducks and chicken wing suplexes him!
Dan Stein clutches his elbow and retreats to his corner and tagging in Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane runs into the ring but Gavin Drake catches him with a uranage! He hooks Crane’s leg and applies an STF!
The Palm Springs fans roar as Wesley Crane’s face turns red from lack of oxygen. Gavin Drake peels back on his head while Kelly O’Connell asks Crane if he wants to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane reaching out for the ropes but Gavin Drake has him smack dab in the middle of the ring with that STF. Dan Stein enters the ring and stomps the back of Drake’s head to break it up.
The cheers turn to jeers. Kelly O’Connell admonishes Dan Stein and forces him out of the ring as Gavin Drake pulls Crane up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane sits out into a jawbreaker that shoots the top of his head under Drake’s jaw. He crawls over and tags Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Look at those quick tags, like a well oiled machine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Gavin Drake up into a suplex and then jumps as he lands it!
Gavin Drake sits up in pain, Dan Stein picks him up and then military presses Drake over his head! The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Look at the effortless power of Dan The Man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein finally drops Drake onto his face from nearly seven feet in the air!
Drake covers his face, and kicks his toes into the mat. Dan Stein picks him up and grabs him into a bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein crushing Gavin Drake with that vice like bear hug. He locks his hands together on the small of Drake’s back, not allowing Gavin to get any new air.
Anthony Jordan yells encouragement from ringside while Kalmin Watts reaches out for the tag from ringside. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Drake shakes his head. Emily Black starts pounding on the apron, and the crowd joins in, trying to will Gavin Drake out of the bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein continuing to constrict Gavin Drake’s breathing with those powerful arms of his. Gavin Drake now punching Dan Stein over his eyebrow, over and over until Stein releases the bearhug! He bends Stein’s arm behind him and rolls him into a hammerlock belly to belly suplex!
The Acrisure Arena pops as Stein rolls around the mat, holding his elbow. Gavin Drake tags in Kalmin Watts and the fans “OH!” at the dream match of Watts and Stein being in the same ring. Stein sees Watts and gets to his feet, trying to shake some feeling into his arm
Phillip Blauer: Like Godzilla vs. King Kong!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein and Kalmin Watts now standing in the ring chest to chest!
Watts and Stein talk to one another, not giving one another an inch. Finally Kalmin Watts takes the first shot, punching him in the jaw. Dan Stein returns fire
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts and Dan Stein exchanging stiff punches in the middle of the ring!
The fans are on their feet as Watts and Stein try and break the other with right hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts getting the better of Dan Stein and then scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker. He grabs Dan Stein’s aching arm with an armbar.
Kalmin Watts sticks his knee into the ball of Stein’s shoulder, clamping down on his elbow and wrist. Stein shakes his head as O’Connell checks in, as Watts leans back on the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein works his way to his feet with Kalmin Watts hanging on to the armbar. He tries to hip toss his way out of it, but Kalmin hangs on for dear life and winds up taking The Punisher over back into the armbar.
The audience applauds, as Stein grimaces in frustration. Kalmin Watts pulls Stein back to his feet and twists his arm. Watts tags in Gavin Drake who climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake comes down with an elbow to Stein’s twisted arm!
Dan Stein clutches his arm and drops to his knee, trying to get back to his corner but Drake stops him and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Drake takes Dan Stein out with a lariat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake kicks “The Punisher” Dan Stein in the stomach, and then drills his head into the mat with a DDT!
Drake irish whips him, but Dan Stein reverses it and shoots Gavin into the corner. He rams a few shoulder blocks into Drake’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now laying in some kicks and stomps until Drake is down against the bottom turnbuckle. He grabs the ropes for leverage and starts choking Gavin with his boot!
The audience boos while Kelly O’Connell tries to get Dan Stein to break the choke. He obliges, but then goes right back to stepping on Drake’s neck
Phillip Blauer: Dan knows exactly how long 5 seconds is. I’m envious.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls him out of the corner and irish whips him into the ropes. Gavin Drake ducks under a clothesline and hits the opposite ropes, then takes Stein out of his boots with a spear!
The crowd comes to life as both men lie on the mat, trying to catch their breath. Stein rolls to his side, holding his arm, and crawls towards the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein makes the tag to Wesley Crane who enters the ring to stop Gavin Drake from tagging out, but he’s too late! Kalmin Watts hits the ring and tells Crane to hit him with his best shot! He ducks a right hand, dropping Crane with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Crane up and drops him on his knee in a backbreaker on those injured ribs. He lifts him up into a suplex and then just leaves him up there!
The fans let out a huge cheer as Wesley Crane shakes his head, demanding to be put down. Watts finally obliges and drops him down into a textbook suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips him into the ropes and goes for a spinebuster, but Wesley Crane reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The air goes out of Acrisure Arena and Crane continues to hold his ribs. He pulls Watts up and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane charges into the corner with a knee to Watts stomach!
Watts tags in Dan Stein, and then fireman’s carries Watts up onto his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein climbs to the second turnbuckle and applies a guillotine choke!! He’s using all 285 pounds to put pressure on Watts’ neck and throat!
The fans boo as Kelly O’Connell demands Stein breaks it. When he ignores her, she begins to give him the five count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein finally breaks the guillotine and pulls Watts roughly down to the mat. He irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a discus clothesline!
Dan Stein pulls him up into a front facelock and then rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up by the hair and attempts a chokeslam, but his arm gives out!
Kalmin Watts scoops him up and drops him into a gutbuster. He lifts him back up into a ribbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts him up a third time for a running powerslam, but Stein slips off his shoulder behind him, and gives him a cut throat neckbreaker!
The Palm Springs audience boos. Dan Stein tags in Wesley Crane who gets a running start and hits Watts with a double knee to the the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane waiting for Kalmin Watts to get to his feet. He gets a running start and rocks Watts with a european uppercut!
The jeers get louder as Wesley Crane holds his arms open and poses over Kalmin Watts
Phillip Blauer: A pose like that is lost on these cretins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane butterflies Watts arms, and double underhook DDTs him! Crane climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a flying elbow but Kalmin Watts rolls out of the way!!
The crowd erupts with cheers! Crane rolls around, holding his arm while kicking his heels in the mat in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts rolls over to the corner and tags in Gavin Drake!
The cheers are loud as Drake atomic drops Wesley Crane on the top turnbuckle and pulls him back into a tree of woe
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake gets a running start and basement dropkicks the upside down Wesley Crane!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the sight of Crane’s head rocking backwards. Crane crumples in a heap in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Drake shoots Wesley Crane into the ropes and catches him with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls Crane up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes again, hitting him with a claymore that knocks The High Roller out of the ring!!
The audience is on their feet as Gavin Drake steps through the ropes to follow him out to the floor. He pulls Crane up and irish whips him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches Wesley Crane with a spinebuster into the guardrail!!
The fans shout “OH!” again at the sound of Wesley Crane hitting the steel. Wesley Crane slowly slides down the railing. Dan Stein goes to interfere but Anthony Jordan grabs him by the shoulder. The Punisher whips around and glares at the ex-wrestler
Phillip Blauer: Does Tony think this is a Wrestle-Con?! Don’t touch the actual wrestlers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein had better leave Anthony Jordan alone and concentrate on Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake.
Dan Stein turns around and goes over to the timekeeper’s table. He grabs the ring bell, but it stays put. Hardkore Timekeeper and host of The Fast Food Report Carl Valentine Jr. does the no-no finger wag. Stein goes to pull it again and sees that it’s fastened to the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. went the extra mile for this match and took away one of Dan Stein’s favorite weapons!
Phillip Blauer: What is Carl’s deal? Isn’t there a sourdough burger to review??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake grabs Dan Stein from behind with a rear waistlock and release german suplexes him on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans cheer! Dan Stein holds his elbow, and rolls onto his stomach. Gavin Drake rolls Wesley Crane into the ring and follows him inside while Emily Black applauds on the outside
Phillip Blauer: If it wasn’t for Gavin Drake, Stein would have found something to cave Tony’s head in, believe that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake drops him with a neckbreaker!
Wesley Crane sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Gavin Drake tags in Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and runs into the center of the ring with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips Wesley Crane into the ropes and hits him in the chest with the Oklahoma Hammer!!
The audience leaps to their feet! Crane holds his chest, and weakly waves off as Kalmin Watts walks around the ring, hyping the crowd up. He wraps his legs around Wesley Crane’s ribs with and then lays on his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! Kalmin Watts clamps down on Wesley Crane’s kidneys with that body scissors!
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no!
The crowd is deafening as Wesley Crane screams in pain. Anthony Jordan is screaming for Crane to tap while Emily Black is yelling encouragement from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes in and stomps the back of Kalmin Watts’ head to break up The Sooner Squeeze!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh thank God!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Dan Stein pulls Kalmin Watts and hits him with a headbutt. He hits him with a second headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake grabs Dan Stein from behind around the neck, and hammerlocks his arm. Drake drops Stein on his arm with a crossface chicken wing suplex!!
Dan Stein rolls out of the ring, holding his arm close to his chest. Kalmin Watts pulls Wesley Crane’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts piledrives Wesley Crane!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts tags in Gavin Drake, who grabs him in a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls Wesley Crane up and head and arm suplexes him across the ring!
Gavin Drake signals to the fans and they pop loudly! He pulls Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a powerbomb but Crane rolls out into an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane reversed the Second Impact with the HRKO!!
The Acrisure Arena boos and Wesley Crane tags in Dan Stein. Dan Stein lifts Gavin Drake by the throat in a double chokelift, while Wesley Crane climbed to the top turnbuckle. Crane comes off the top rope with a v-trigger knee while Dan Stein drops the sitout chokeslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anoitation!! Kalmin Watts runs into the ring but catches a superkick by Wesley Crane!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays as Dan Stein rolls over, holding his elbow.
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have done it! Look at Dan Stein, who clearly gutted through an injury to his arm tonight. The last of a dying breed! Dad Strength! Wesley Crane playing possum until it was time to bring out the HRKO!
Wesley Crane raises his three championship belts on the second turnbuckle while Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Dan Stein’s elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Dan Stein have successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Crane checks on his partner, and hands him his Hardkore World Tag Team title belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein seems to have some difficulty with his elbow after that match as Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tries to see how far he can extend it. The Anointed have a chance to do a full sweep here tonight as Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on the line against Tap Out CEO Cross Recoba!
Marty Donovan (VO): Time to welcome the new guy. Cross Recoba, I became your biggest fan this week. You did the right thing by ejecting Zoran and his snot-nosed kid from
the TAPOUT audience. That Serbian stabber has no place in our great sport. I think you can make a huge splash here in the West Coast title picture. How fitting would it be for a Las Vegas casino king to win that belt? As long as you work hard and stay in your midcarder lane then you’ll be fine.
Fiona Gabriel (VO): Fiona Gabriel, Headlines and Headlocks. Do you feel that a showdown between you and Cross Recoba is inevitable? He implied as much earlier.
Marty Donovan (VO): Look, I like Cross. He’s technically paying for my cruise with that generous “Move of the Night” bonus from Tap Out 9. By the way, I’m the only guest to ever win that. Let’s be real though. He’s a promoter that likes to play wrestler from time to time. Syberus’ weekend warrior equivalent. Recoba failed to get the W against Tuxedo fucking Mask. He is not even on my radar.
Marty Donovan (VO): nobody is going to spend 50 bucks to watch Cross Recoba stumble through some rest holds.
Marty Donovan: Do yourself a favor, Cross…take Mickey’s money and we can work together EVERYDAY! I’ll even sweeten the deal, I know the Alien crew and after Dakota, don’t you deserve a Queen
Marty Donovan (VO): First, thank you for joining Hardkore World. Most wrestlers would be too jealous or worried about their spot to say that. Not me. I see the value you bring to the company. Now house shows can have two main events and an intermission. You can pretend you're a real star and I'll be able to make it back to the hotel before they stop offering room service. It is a win-win!
The music fades.
Cross Recoba (VO): The other? Watts can feel like he’s part of something important when I make him tap out and go on to topple Marty Donovan as the HKW World Heavyweight Champion.
Cross Recoba (VO): In five years, Jason Long has made more of an impact than Marty has in triple that time! You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that Long’s a busy man - I’d have sent him here next month in my place as a Christmas present to you all. You could see how one of my top stars eclipses every single competitor in tonight’s main-event!
Cross Recoba (VO): The funny thing is, Champ, that I’ve always noticed the nods, the digs, the niggles that you point my way and, mostly, they’ve always been welcome but let's not kid ourselves - you’re not doing this out of the kindness of your heart and I’m not going into this match with any other design than walking out with that HKW World title.
Cross Recoba (VO): I’m going to make you famous!
Fade back up on Phil and Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is our main event. Disney’s Marty Donovan defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship 6 months ago in October of 2022. He’s defended that title against two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans, The Sheik, “High Roller” Wesley Crane and former X Crown Champion “The Final Boss” Zoran Sainovic. But now he puts that title on the line against the CEO of Tap Out, and a man who loathes Hardkore World and everything it stands for, Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe you don’t like Marty because of the way he wins his matches. Maybe you don’t like Marty because of his jaunty speedo he wears when he wrestles. Maybe you don’t like Marty because the GrowTech penis enlarging pills he sold caused flipper babies in the town downstream from the plant that made them. But tonight, we all have to unite behind him against a common evil. People that don’t like our product and the people that love them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have crossed swords all over the country and across the Pacific. First in his Reedy Creek Rules match with “The Final Boss” Zoran Sainovic. In Vegas, in Tap Out, Marty showed up in the front row of the co-main event to cause a distraction with selfies and autographs. Cross acted like he was going to deal with it himself, but then sent a bunch of security guards to escort Marty out.
Phillip Blauer: Typical Vegas pit boss response.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Japan at J-ROK, Marty was at a bar on a business trip and a giant cake was brought out to celebrate 6 months as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. Cross ambushed Marty, pushing his head into the cake where there was a steel chair. Cross left Marty bleeding. even CAR auto racing in Albuquerque. But the time for talking is done!
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Acrisure Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Palm Springs fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a shower of boos and jeers.
Phillip Blauer: This man came in to this company, and told the fans that have watched Hardkore World since before he started in this business, that they don’t know what wrestling looks like. That they don't know what a real star looks like. And now here he is, challenging for the territory’s top title.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, it doesn't help to agree with you when you actually talk about it.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I sympathize.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba feels like Marty has lost a step over the year, and the Hardkore matches have taken their toll over time. He has said that Marty’s title reign has bared that out over time.
Phillip Blauer: And that is just ridiculous. Marty takes GrowTech every morning, he believes in the product. He is happy to report new back hair growing. Remember, the metallic taste in your mouth means it’s working!
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience. He’s wearing a black armband that says 1923-2023
Guillermo O’Bannon: That armband on Cross Recoba’s bicep is to signify the Death of Disney.
Phillip Blauer: This whole thing is because Marty Donovan offered to buy Tap Out on behalf of Disney, and Cross Recoba’s ego couldn’t handle doing the smart business move and selling out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one believed that Cross Recoba was going to sell Tap Out. A company he built brick by brick.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Palm Springs crowd. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft
Phillip Blauer: I did. I told everyone. He made me look like a fool. A damn fool.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tried to sow some dissension in The Anointed by claiming that Wesley Crane has surpassed him as the biggest star.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck
Phillip Blauer: Which is so silly. People have tried that before and they just gotta realize that those guys are bros. Like…. …
Phil starts getting emotional and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts away to Cross Recoba setting the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron. With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, get a hold of yourself. Cross Recoba is threatening to retire Marty Donovan here tonight on this biggest show of the year.
Phillip Blauer: It’s just…people don’t get it. I see these gents without the cameras, and it’s like…that’s real.
The Acrisure Arena starts glowing neon blue as “End Of The Line” from the Tron Soundtrack plays. The fans have a mixed reaction. “The Punisher” Dan Stein walks out with his arm in a sling, holding The Peacemaker. He looks around and makes sure it’s safe before waving Disney’s Marty Donovan, who drives out on a Tron cycle dressed as Tron in a light up suit
Phillip Blauer: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the World that Tron was fondly remembered and in need of a reboot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really? I thought it was convincing the World he didn’t exist?
Phillip Blauer: Greater than Tron? Are you daft, man? Tron?? Have you seen it? Believe me, Satan laughed, spread his wings, and made Tron.
Marty Donovan drives down the aisle on his Tron cycle and gets some rare back pats from the fans and even a guy in the front row holding a “I’m A Smarty!” sign
Phillip Blauer: This guy is playing hurt! Like all the greats. Terrell Owens playing the Super Bowl on a broken leg. Ronnie Lott losing a finger. Josh Matthews doing Raw with a cocaine nose bleed. He is recovering from gazillions of thumbtack lacerations. The recovery time for something like that can be months.
Cross Recoba’s niece and nephew are ringside and pat Marty Donvan’s shoulders as he steps off of the Tron cycle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Disney’s Marty Donovan is here now and insists that Cross Recoba is just a promoter playing wrestler. He says that Cross barely squeaked by some of his opponents on route to his title shot here tonight…
Donovan steps up the ringsteps and then stands on the apron, looking out at the audience. All the lights in The Acrisure Arena go out! All you can see is Donovan’s light up Tron costume
Phillip Blauer: Disney’s Marty Donovan is brought to you by Disney World who reminds you that the ride Tron: Light Cycle / Run opens this month! Speed across a world with no horizons in a high-stakes race based on the Disney sci-fi film TRON: Legacy.
The lights come back on and Dan Stein steps through the ropes with Marty Donovan. Marty stares at Cross Recoba
Phillip Blauer: Cross Recoba, terrified of what Marty Donovan can do to him, convinced the feeble minded ex-con Moondog Dook to throw the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion into thumb tacks. Not even Larry Zybysko himself would stoop so low. Excuse my language.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan points to his title reign and the wars that he has had to withstand to be standing here in the ring as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 and that Cross has no idea what he’s in for tonight.
Disney’s Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on his shoulder, and steps up to the second turnbuckle. The Palm Springs fans give him a mix of cheers and boos. The lights go out in The Acrisure Arena, and then a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin standing in the middle of the ring. The crowd pops
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023!”
The audience gives a loud ovation
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion…’THE FOX’ CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty actually gets some cheers as Dan Stein helps him remove his Tron costume until he is only wearing Disney bikini briefs, gloves and wrestling boots
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match
Disney's Marty Donovan vs. Cross Recoba
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Cross Recoba stands chest to chest with Marty Donovan. The fans let out a “OH!” as the two mutter at one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty must have said something, because Cross just whacked him with a reverse knife edge chop!
Phillip Blauer: What happened to freedom of speech?
Cross Recoba smacks Marty Donovan in the chest with another hard chop, and another that backs him into the ropes. Marty begs off but Cross eyes bug out and he hits Donovan with another reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with another blistering chop! And another! He irish whips Marty Donovan into the ropes and takes him out with a dropkick!
Cross Recoba pulls him up and then nearly snap suplexes Marty Donovan out of his boots. He pulls Marty up and irish whips him into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross climbs to the second rope and starts hammering punches down onto Marty in the corner! Over and over!
The audience boos. Finally, after blow after blow, Marty Donovan grabs his legs and walks him out to the center of the ring with an inverted atomic drop
Phillip Blauer: Marty Donovan finding Cross Recoba’s achilles heel. His groin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You make this really hard to root for Marty.
Phillip Blauer: I know.
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, at Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Disney’s Marty Donovan defeated “The Big Ragoo” Jo Jo Sushi for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship in a classic steel cage match. That truly was his coming out party. But here in 2023, Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the ropes and then brains him between the eyes with a flying forearm!
The Palm Springs crowd cheers. Donovan pulls Recoba up into a front facelock and then swings into a swinging neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and somersaults off but Recoba avoids it and lets Marty crash to the mat!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Donovan rolls around on the mat in pain. Dan Stein grimaces at ringside while Cross Recoba pulls Marty up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits out into a facebuster!
Marty Donovan is able to get to his knees as Cross Recoba runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba smashes the kneeling Marty Donovan with a running european uppercut!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at Marty getting blindsided by that european uppercut. Cross Recoba stomps the back of Donovan’s knee a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a few stiff forearms to Marty’s back while he tries to get up. He slugs Marty, but Donovan returns fire with a few punches of his own. Recoba shuts that down with a hard elbow to the jawline. Donovan tries to kick him, but Cross grabs his leg. Marty swings around with an enzuigiri!
The fans let out another “OH!” as Cross goes down like a redwood. Marty pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan takes him out with a rolling wheel kick!
The audience lets out a loud pop! Marty Donovan pulls Cross Recoba up to his feet in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan drops Cross Recoba with a german suplex with a perfect bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Marty Donovan irish whips him but Cross reverses it and shoots Marty into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba follows him in with a hard knee to his head and chest in the corner!
Cross Recoba threads Marty Donovan’s leg through the top and middle rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and punt kicks the back of Donovan’s knee!
The crowd boos as Marty Donovan cries out in pain. Marty staggers out of the corner into a shoulderbreaker by Cross Recoba. Donovan stands up, clutching his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba leaps into the air and catches Marty Donovan from behind with a jumping reverse STO! He runs into the ropes and hits an elbow drop across Marty’s collarbone.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The audience chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs the ropes and drives a knee drop into Donovan’s knee.
Marty howls and sits up in pain, holding his kneecap. Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips Marty into the ropes but Donovan ducks a clothesline. Marty atomic drops Recoba on the top turnbuckle, facing the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls him out of the corner with a rope hung neckbreaker!!
Cross Recoba sits up as the fans cheer. Marty Donovan irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan catches him into a flying headscissors into a cross knee lock! He cranks back on to Cross Recoba’s leg, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Cross shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan while he reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan competed in a Mir match with the other regional champions; Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion "The Punisher" Dan Stein, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers that Dan Stein won.
Cross Recoba is finally able to get a leg free and kicks Donovan off of him to escape the cross knee lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba to his feet first, and laces his leg behind Donovan’s head and drives his face into the mat with a fameasser!
Recoba applies a spinning toe hold. He hangs on to Donovan’s ankle and foot while twisting that aching knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gives that spinning toe hold another spin and Donovan flops down to the mat in pain. His shoulders are now down on the mat.
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan sits up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba now ends the spinning toehold with a knee drop to the side of Marty’s knee.
Marty howls in pain, holding his knee. Cross Recoba pulls him up into a side waistlock, then lifts him into a side suplex with an elbow crashing on his sternum
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Marty needs to hang on. Not just for Hardkore World but for my optioning rights to the sequel I wrote for the Brave Little Toaster called “The Foreman Grill That Was A Fucking Coward”. We’ve gotten a nibble from Brendan Gleeson’s people to play the wise Spatula Fork, but he’s Irish so they call him Spatty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba lifts him up into a rear waistlock and goes for a german, but Donovan lands on his feet behind Cross, and after hopping for a sec on his bad wheel, he grabs Recoba in a full nelson and drops him in a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba rolls to his feet but Marty kicks him in the stomach, takes him over into a side headlock and then applies a pluma blanca!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as Marty clamps down on the head scissors while pulling back on Recoba’s trapped arm. The crowd starts chanting “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was the town where at Palm Springs Punishment 2008, Kilroy Evans defeated Marty in the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: It was the Flair-Steamboat of tearing off another man’s clothes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That it was. Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the turnbuckles, and follows him in one step behind with a dropkick!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” and Marty Donovan sweeps out Cross Recoba’s legs, so he falls in the corner. Marty steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls on the top rope to slingshot himself over, but Cross has that move scouted and punches him right in the breadbasket, through the ropes! Recoba goes out to the apron with him, and sitout DDTs his head on the apron!! Staten Island Drop!
The boos are deafening as Marty is motionless on the apron. Cross smirks and kicks him off the apron to the Acrisure Arena floor. He rolls back into the ring and starts inviting the venom and jeers cascading down onto him, then he runs into the ropes. Cross dives over the top rope feet first with a missile dropkick on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: A Million Lira Dropkick to Marty Donovan, smacking him into the railing!!
Recoba crawls back into the ring, and pulls himself up by the ropes, waiting for Marty to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slingshots himself over the ropes onto Marty’s shoulders for an inverted huracanrana, but Marty catches him and electric chair drops him into the corner post!!
The fans come to life! Cross rolls over with a laceration over his eyebrow and his eyes not able to focus. Marty Donovan goes over to Cross Recoba’s niece and nephew at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now giving his gloves to Recoba’s niece and signing a quick autograph for his nephew!
Phillip Blauer: Marty always has time to visit his number one fans.
Marty ruffles their hair and then rolls back into the ring. He says “Watch this!” and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan flips over the ropes with a somersault senton on Cross Recoba!!
The crowd roars and both Donovan and Cross lie out on the arena floor. Dan Stein pounds the apron with his good arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan rolls a bleeding Cross back into the ring and stands up on the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard tornado DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the ropes, but Recoba shows amazing agility and leaps to the middle of the top rope, and he catches an oncoming Marty Donovan with a turnaround springboard missile dropkick!!
The audience boos. Cross Recoba wipes some of the blood out of his eyes. He grabs Donovan’s leg with another spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Cross drops down into a figure four leglock! He locks that leg down Donovan’s ankle, crushing his own knee with it.
Donovan sits up in pain, shaking his head no as Tommy Milligan repeatedly asks him if he wants to submit. Dan Stein yells some encouragement from ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty inching towards those ropes, but Cross Recoba clamps down on that figure four some more. Before the return, the last time Marty Donovan was at Palm Springs Punishment was 2009, when he defeated Devastation but lost to Dougie Ray Bullet in the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match. Now, he’s trying to hold on so it doesn’t happen again.
The one armed Dan Stein puts his Peacemaker in the ring and tells Marty to grab it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan grabs that wooden staff, and Stein drags him to the side of the ring so that he can grab the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Look at The Danimal’s strength! Dragging two men with one arm??
Tommy Milligan forces Cross Recoba to break the figure four as Recoba begrudgingly acquiesces while he complains about Marty using The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba puts Marty’s foot on the bottom rope then steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself over into an elbow drop to the side of his knee!
Marty Donovan rolls around the mat, clutching his kneecap. The audience jeers. A bleeding Cross Recoba scoops Marty up but Donovan floats over behind him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up into a reverse backbreaker! Recoba sits up in pain, and then Donovan basement dropkicks the back of his head!
The crowd cheers wildly! Donovan shoots Recoba into the ropes and takes him out with a slingblade, then hobbles out to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan comes off the rope with a springboard front missile dropkick!!
The Palm Springs audience pops and starts chanting “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY” Marty Donovan hammerlocks Recoba’s arm, grabs him around the head in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up and drops him on his arm with a gloria!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan irish whips him into the ropes and catches him with a frankenstiener but Cross Recoba reverses it into a tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan claps his legs together on Recoba’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs Marty around the waist, and sweeps out his leg with a rahnei into a cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets underneath Marty as he getting to his feet with a saito suplex!
The audience chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as Cross Recoba whips his blood stained hair back and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba dives off the top turnbuckle with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The Acrisure Arena applauds as Cross Recoba slaps the mat in frustration. He lifts Recoba up into a DDT, but Donovan lifts him into a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan flips Recoba headfirst onto his knee with an ushigoroshi!!
Recoba is laid out on the mat, but Donovan is holding the knee he just dropped a 230 pound man on
Phillip Blauer: That may have done more damage to Marty than Cross. But that’s Mary, he’ll do anything to his own body to break down yours. He’s like Sabu except he won’t hold you up for pills before he’ll go out there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is actually the first to his feet, but Marty grabs him in a side headlock. Recoba hooks his ankle and lifts him up into a kneebreaker atomic drop.
Donovan yelps and staggers off until he falls forward. A crimson masked Cross Recoba walks over and pulls Marty’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba lifts Marty up and over into a crucifix, but Marty wriggles out and falls behind him!
Marty Donovan runs and hops on the middle of the second rope and backflips back into an asai moonsault DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up into a suplex, but Cross floats over into an inverted facelock, and then backflips into an osaka street cutter! The Skim!
The fans boo and chant “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” Cross Recoba grabs Donovan’s leg and steps over into a scorpion ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lupara Bianca! Cross Recoba torques that leg of Marty’s while sitting low on the back of his thigh!
Marty Donovan screams in pain, trying to stave off tapping out. Dan Stein pounds on the mat in support of him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba continuing to twist on the boot of Marty Donovan, putting pressure on that knee.
The boos come raining down as Tommy Milligan asks Donovan if he wants to tap out. Donovan finally tucks his head and rolls through but Cross hangs on until Marty is standing in front of him on leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri!
The fans leap to their feet! The fans chant ““MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!”
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan climbs to the second rope and points to…Phil?
Phillip Blauer: No, there must be a make-a-wish kid behind me.
Phil tugs on his ear lobe and nods back at Marty. Marty hopped down into a panama sunrise piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!
Phillip Blauer: Consarnit. I believe Donnie Valentine Jr.’s rag tag ring crew left the apron skirt up too high. Do I have to do everything around here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, where are you going?
Phil Blauer gets up and walks over to the ring apron. He looks around conspicuously and then reaches into his pocket. Inside the ring, Marty Donovan pulls Cross Recoba up to his blood drenched hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil just threw thumbtacks into the ring! Phil! Stop it! Phil!
Phil continues to toss the thumbtacks into the ring. He looks around to see if anyone’s noticed, and then continues to throw them in the ring. Then he runs back to the announce table and puts on his headset like nothing happened
Guillermo O’Bannon: What did you do?
Phillip Blauer: Ring skirt was higher than a call girl’s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls Cross Recoba up by the hair and stands him in front of those thumb tacks you just threw in!
Phillip Blauer: Never send a Moondog to do a Blau Dog’s job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What does that even mean? Marty runs into the ropes and hits him with The Dis-Knee v-trigger but it hurts his knee and he flops into the thumbtacks instead!!
The Palm Springs fans let out a deafening “OH!” as Marty rolls around in agony. His black is glittering with thumb tacks as Cross Recoba bleeds on the top rope he’s leaning on
Phillip Blauer: NO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That knee of Marty Donovan in no condition to deliver a Dis-Knee, and he wound up in those thumb tacks.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of all the thumb tacks in Marty’s shoulder as Cross Recoba pulls him to his feet. He atomic drops Marty Donovan on the top turnbuckle, facing the audience and climbs up to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba hammerlock half nelsons Donovan’s arms and then tiger superplexes him!! Fall of Valachi!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the Palm Springs fans boo in despair. A bloody Cross Recoba rolls onto his back, staring at the lights and soaking in the moment
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Phillip Blauer: (weeping) This is terrible.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I agree. Cross Recoba has captured the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in the heart of the company Palm Springs, on our biggest show of the year. But Cross Recoba did enough work on that knee that it rendered the Dis-Knee useless, and then Marty made the even worse mistake of trusting you with anything.
Phillip Blauer: (wiping his eyes with Kleenex) When I was a boy and saw that Hindenburg go down. I thought that was the worst thing I would ever see. But this is far worse than that. Those people got off light if you want my opinion.
Tommy Milligan hands Cross Recoba the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, and Cross stands and holds it over his head to the jeering fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t. Cross Recoba now in control of a title belt that goes back to 1989. With Champions like Matthew X, Rated X, Cobryn, Syberus, and now Cross Recoba?? This is exactly what he said he would do and now he’s done it.
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Marty Donovan’s knee while Dan Stein pulls out some of the tacks sticking out of his shoulder. Cross Recoba stands up on the second turnbuckle holding up his new Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Soda cups, plastic beer bottles, and other debris starts getting thrown into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aren’t you going to go see how Marty is?
Phillip Blauer: I’m really more of a thrill of victory friend than an agony of defeat friend. I think I’ll hang back until Dan gets all those tacks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The ten thousand people here in attendance letting Cross Recoba know what they think of their new champion, but he is their new champion nonetheless.
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect continues to rock through The Acrisure Arena as Cross Recoba stands at the center of the ring holding up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine catches several fans booing and heckling the new champ
Phillip Blauer: We’ll get this overturned. The match should have been stopped immediately when the air condition blew those old thumb tacks in to the ring. Is Tommy Milligan the one with the DUI?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that’s Richie, Jonnie’s…and no it’s not. It’s not anybody, I don’t know what you’re talking about
Trash continues to be thrown into the ring. Cross Recoba straps the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship around his waist and steps through the ropes out on to the floor. He demands Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. clear a path for him through the angry fans’ arms near the aisle way for him to triumphantly walk through and he does
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba ends Palm Springs Punishment 2023 with a new Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! That caps off this unbelievable night of Hardkore action, join us at our next pay-per-view this summer, Irish Rage in Belfast 2023! But we’ll see you in Seattle for our next show!
Inside the ring, Dan Stein and David Valentine Jr. help Marty stand on his bad leg but he can’t put weight on it. Out in the aisle, with blood crusted over his eyelid and blood on his trunks, Cross Recoba backs down the aisle with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist as Hardkore Director Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of him. Jackie Valentine Jr. widens his shot to show the Hardkore stage and white fireworks start going off all around Cross Recoba as the shot fades out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2023!! This is the oldest pay per view in e-fed history dating back to 1990!!
Phillip Blauer: Not sure what at “e-fed” is, but I, for one am honored to be a integral part of whatever this is when they had the resources to make it worth my while!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up, is a card only worthy of Palm Springs Punishment 2023, our main event is Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Marty Donovan putting his belt on the line against Cross Recoba. Recoba has been saying he is going to teach the Hardkore World fans what wrestling is, and he has his chance here tonight to become the Top Guy and do just that.
Phillip Blauer: Those who can do, do. Those who can’t, teach. Take that, teachers! I never had a teacher that taught me…Oh, looks like we have a fan approaching us, Gomez. I’m pretty well known here…
Process Server shows up, Phil gulps
Process Server: Mr. Blauer, you’ve been served.
Phillip Blauer: Oh right. That thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Also fans, we have our first MIR match in 11 years! Kilroy Evans taking on his former tag team partner Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask betrayed his longtime friend over the fact that Kilroy allowed Dirk van Thijmen to be his partner that night in Vegas so he cost him the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Who says? You mean that part where he fell off the top rope onto that fake friend of his? Wesley had that match in the bag before any of that…
A Different Process Server: Mr. Blauer, you’ve been served.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on? That one’s so old. What happened to statutes of limitations? (yells after him) You know, we used to be a proper country!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans was cut to the core by Tuxedo Mask throwing away their friendship over something so stupid, and has said he is going to hurt him physically far worse than Tux did to Kilroy emotionally.
Phillip Blauer: Aw, did Kilroy cry some Mellow Yellow tears all over his so-ironic-I-don’t-get-it t-shirt? Please the name on the marquee says…Hardkore, and if that’s too much…
Another Process Server: Mr. Blauer...
Phillip Blauer: Just put it on the table. If that’s too much for you buddy. He can always go back to Petco.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then The Anointed put their Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the line against the team of Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. Drake wants revenge against Dan Stein for attacking him in San Francisco and Watts teamed with Little Dragon and was impressive in his debut over Tyrone the Love Doctor and “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in Bend.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, well this ain’t Bend and Wes and Dantastic aren’t some quack and a sexy Indian. The marquee says “tag team wrestling…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: You just used that reference…
Phillip Blauer: It’s a big marquee, ok? It doesn’t say “two random guys teaming together for the first time”. The Punisher and The High Roller are about to put on a tag team clinic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a Stairway to Heaven match between The Sheik and Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB cost The Sheik the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in Portland. In Bend, The Sheik brutally attacked AVB and kidnapped his partner on MTV’s: The Challenge, Hasbulla.
Phillip Blauer: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, please keep your children away from ringside. It’s dangerous. We have sheiks, for crying out loud!
Guillermo O’Bannon: There needs to be some resolution to the safety of Hasbulla and hopefully a ladder match will do just the trick. Then Little Dragon takes on popular newcomer Simon Cruise, in what promises to be an exciting match up, and Dirk van Thijmen tries to get some revenge for Steve Awesome harassing his wife in Bend. But first, Palm Springs Punishment is older than Otis. It’s older than Britt Baker, Adam Page, Alexa Bliss, Ruby Riot, and Chelsea Green. We would like to show you a retrospective of some of the big moments and title changes that have happened on this 33 year old show.
Palm Springs Punishment 1990: After a shot from a motorcycle helmet, Cousin Junior submits to a camel clutch by Earl Slade so The Brute Squad can win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...Jamaican Tosh Marley hits The Ukrainian with a flying headbutt for The Bad Boys to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1991: Benyok Kentot pushes Kentaro Korose off the top turnbuckle for Jonathan Darkstar to upset Kentaro Korose for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship...Samoan Nuku passes out from a loaded claw by Rad Rick so that Rad Thunder can win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1992: "Flyin" Ryan Hill pins Neuromancer with a flying body press off the top rope to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship...The masked Bronco Guerillo catches Rad Rick with a diving rana to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Unpredictable Oliver Ace taps out to a figure four leglock by Dutch Danger so that he can win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1993: Wrestling’s only Dominatrix Ms. Alexandria Macabre wraps a dog collar chain around Minomi Asato's neck and drops down into a neckbreaker to win the Hardkore Women's Championship…The Dutch legend Gorgeous Greg DDTs the inebriated Jack Daniels off the top rope to win the Hardkore America Television Championship...Cuban militant Fidel "Che" Guevarra taps out to Elvis impersonator Randy "Rock & Roll" Carter's figure four leglock for him to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Antonio Natoraka drops Jerry Ferris with a saito suplex for The Superpowers to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1994: Tarrasque makes Crash submit to a testicular claw to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship...Pain drops down with a pain killer on "Knife Edge" Takeda Yokosuda to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships for Total Destruction & Pain
Palm Springs Punishment 1995: Wasp Man drops Dragon Kimura on his head with a super fisherman's buster to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Pain hits the painkiller to defeat "The Executioner" Samuel Madison for Black Magic & Crash to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships
Palm Springs Punishment 1996: Japanese death cult leader Kentaro Korose smashes Hawaiian devil worshiper Kuala Hala's face in with the facebreaker deathkick to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Creamer Dynasty bodyguard, Kilboy Powerhead death valley drivers "Magnificent" Mickey Duran for The Creamer Dynasty to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...The sick, the demented, The Necrologist pins Hawaiian militant, Ino Koa after the kevorkian krunch to win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1997: "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar knocks out San Diego Strangler with a martial arts strike to his neck to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship...Thunder Kid taps out to "Nature Boy" Buddy Powell's figure four leglock for Powell to win the Hardkore America Television Championship...The St. Jock Brothers win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Black Magic with brotherly gafflin...One of the Death Angels taps out to a scorpion deathlock for The Down Boys to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships..."The Devil's Son-in-Law" Quasimoto Jones running powerbombs Ghandi the Butcher to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1998: Rated X DDTs Ghandi the Butcher off the top turnbuckle on a steel chair with dog shit on it to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship..."Sexy" Anjanette Turner piledrives Ms. Alexandria Macabre off the top turnbuckle to win the Hardkore Women's Championship..."Gamesmaster" Kevin Daniels ribbreaker stomps Adrian Faust to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship...The Thorn Cult’s bodyguard Eerie Von makes Sean Hawk tap out to the excommunication in a thorn cult rules match to win the Hardkore America Television Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 1999: Makoto Jupiter swan dive moonsaults "Sexy" Anjanette Turner to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...The Badd B Boys drop "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar with a Badd B Boy Bomb to win the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships...Chang Khan hits Klown with a boot to the head to win the Hardkore America Television Championship…
Palm Springs Punishment 2000: The Final Contract hit The Fufilment on one of The Badd B Boys...Yuku Sato crushes Ri Eun-Ae with an earthquake splash to win the Hardkore Women's Championship..."Lightning" Leon Jones out lasts "Irish" Mike Powers and Aaron Angst to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2001: Ri Eun-Ae pins "Sexy" Anjanette Turner with a jupiter thunder dragon to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Ace Kilcannon dragon suplexes Rally Jackson to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship...Adrian Faust taps out to Skits O Frenia's single leg boston crab in an I Quit match for Skits O Frena to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2003: Jean-Paul Jaubergy smashes Rally Jackson with a double stomp to the face for he and "The Golden Child" Justin Sayne, & "God's Gift" Jeremiah Vastrix to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships...Andrew Karnage hits Tuxedo Mask with a nightmare lariot so he and Kilroy Evans win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships...Xyrynth pins Darlene after hitting her with the flushed combo to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Death Gojira climbs to the top of the ladder and grabs the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship from Cobryn
Palm Springs Punishment 2004:The Shootfighter double underhooks Bakemono Bokuden up into a backbreaker to win the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships with The Warhammer Corporation...Xyrynth pins Tamara Sanchez after Death Gojira attacks her backstage to win the Hardkore Women's Championship...Big Bad Bill drops Cyrus “The F’n Vyrus” Williams on his head with a burning hammer into a piledriver to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2005: The Warhammer Corporation and The Shootfighter defeated The Tengu Clan for the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships. In a Falls Count Anywhere, Last Woman Standing Match, Xyrynth facefirst powerbombs Tamara Sanchez into a barbed wire wrapped wooden chair to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship…Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a fire match.
Palm Springs Punishment 2006: “The Master of the Powerslam” Paul Soutter hung Lonewolf Eric McNeely over the top rope in a Hang Em High match to reclaim the Hardkore West Coast Championship…Tamara Sanchez beat “Sexy” Anjanette Turner, Tracee Nguyen, and Jane Tyrra in a ladder match to reclaim the Hardkore World Women’s Championship…Adrian Tanner Jr. and Andrew Karnage won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Lucifer Jones with the SharpShot… Marty Donovan beat “The Big Ragoo” JoJo Sushi in a steel cage match with a sunset tiger bomb off the cage to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship…Rated X defeated Kilroy Evans in a barbed wire match to win the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2007: "The Crimson Cyclone" Bryant McCoy & Michael Black defeated Robert Hunglestien III and “The Lord of the Flies” Vincent Silvestri to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in a barbed wire match…”The Punisher” Dan Stein won a MIR Match between all the regional champions, outlasting Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers…Cobryn defeated Syberus with The Answer to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2008: Black Wallstreet won the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles in a falls count anywhere match between The Highlights of Humanity and Full Metal Jacket…Suzie Machina beat Yuku Shiro in a ladder match to win the Hardkore World Women’s Championship
Palm Springs Punishment 2009: Matthew X won a 16 man tournament for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and then set fire to Hardkore Hall to celebrate
Palm Springs Punishment 2010: “Guttertrash” Troy Adkins won a royal rumble…neXT won a marathon match with Next Wave to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship…Madison Dyson dropped Suzie Machina with the Dead Bitch Walkin to win the Hardkore Women's Championship in a threeway with Natalie Burrows…James Fierce hit the Picture Perfect Elbow drop to win Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Matthew X…Syberus defeated Hardkore Jonnie Valentine to take ownership of Hardkore World
Palm Springs Punishment 2012: Bruno defeated The Shootfighter to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Palm Springs Punishment: 2022: Marty Donovan defeated Natalie Burrows in a Reedy Creek Rules match…The Sheik beat Kilroy Evans in a LA Freeway match. Syberus defeated Alexander Von Blankenship in the finals to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Title Tournament
In Memoriam:
Frank Marano Jr.
Founder of the UWA
Adrian Tanner Jr.
Four time Hardkore World Tag Team Champion
Reginald P. Packer
Manager of the House of Pain, promoter of Hardkore South
Lonewolf Eric McNeely
Two time Hardkore West Coast Champion
“The Brain” Allen Anderson
Manager of The Warhammer Corporation
Flare
Two Time UWA World Heavyweight Champion
Legacy
UCW Hardcore Champion
“Guttertrash” Troy Adkins
Hardkore Six Man Tag Team Champion
Kota
Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion
Brandi
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Wow, we had a Ukrainian named The Ukrainian?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Indeed, in the feared Russian Bloc.
Phillip Blauer: He would be a great babyface now. Crazy to think Cousin Junior is Kilroy’s father.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not true.
Phillip Blauer: Now you sound like Cousin Junior. Is Matthew X burning down Hardkore Hall the reason why we’re here at Acrisure Arena?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That, and they took 20% of merch sales.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the audience cheers loudly as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is in a shaky state of mind right now. We all saw the public spat that came from Steve Awesome flirting with her in Bend, Oregon. Tonight he has to put that all out of his head, and focus on beating the XHF Hardcore Champion. We’re getting word that we have a report from Kevin Valentine Jr. backstage, let’s go to it!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. switches to the locker room with a nervous looking backstage reporter Kevin Valentine Jr.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Um, hi. Um, sorry, I don’t know why we’re here live because I have nothing to report?
MEOW?
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans down to see intrepid reporter and house cat about town Purrman Melville
Kevin Valentine Jr.: What? No! No, Jackie we talked about this. You’re my cousin, man. Do not listen to that cat, it’s embarrassing.
MEOW
The gray tabby begins walking down the hallway, and Jackie Valentine Jr. begins following him with the camera
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (reaches after him) Jackie, no!
Melville walks over to Mickie Fury’s locker room over to a pile of gifts, stacked up against the locker room door. Heart shaped mylar balloons, heart shaped chocolates, and a DVD of The Notebook. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades back to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow! I think Steve Awesome is turning up the heat, either to woo Mickie Fury or to at least rattle her husband, Dirk van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Look, you can’t let that stuff get to you. Every woman I’ve ever dated has eventually cheated on me. Is it because I’m cheap? Is it because I’m naturally suspicious of their motives? Is it because I plant tracking devices in their vehicles? I forgot where I was going with this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk says that Steve Awesome’s presence allowed him to take his focus off of the match with Tuxedo Mask in Portland. Tonight he gets to focus all his energy on Steve Awesome and try to shut his mouth.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. You know, he needs to stop worrying about Steve Awesome and start worrying about what’s so fundamentally wrong with his marriage that a former XHF Hardkore Champion…
Guillermo O’Bannon: XHF Hardcore Champion.
Phillip Blauer: What did I say? That someone can just come in and wreck it with a few pec pops, they’ll never make it in the business.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies, and some of the men in the Palm Springs crowd catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury says she was only at ringside to cheer on Randy Candy…
Phillip Blauer: Who cheers on Randy Candy?? Are you hearing yourself right now?
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to The Acrisure Arena and PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT 2023!!”
The Acrisure Arena lets out a big pop
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see some fans I recognize from the very first show in 1990!
Phillip Blauer: Should we issue a Silver Alert to get them back to the nursing home?
Greg Jin: “The following non-title contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The audience gives him a big ovation while Mickie Fury gives him some last minute advice
All the lights in the Acrisure Arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Acrisure Arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. His bodyguard “The Punisher” Dan Stein follows behind him
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Phillip Blauer: Wow, that is Awesome. I totally get it now. His father Mike must be smiling down with pride right now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think…well, I’m not sure actually. Steve Awesome took Hardkore World by storm by interfering in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title match between Marty Donovan and The Sheik. At first it seemed as though he would be a rival of Marty and The Anointed, but shockingly joined them. For a while they all held gold, but last week Steve Awesome lost his XHF Hardcore Championship to Jason Long in a barbed wire landmine death match at J-ROK’s Phantom of Guilt show in Kushiro, Hokkaido, Japan.
Phillip Blauer: Then I imagine Mickie Fury will be the next jewel he will procure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Remember what Jim Croce said about messing with the wife of a jealous man in Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t go in for that new stuff. Give me some Glen Gray and His Orchestra, or Guy Lombardo and His Royal Canadians? You remember them, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil. I really don’t. Steve Awesome is making his debut in Hardkore World but…
Phillip Blauer: (crooning) Red sails in the sunset
Way out on the sea
Oh, carry my loved one
Home safely to me
Guillermo O’Bannon: Damnit, Phil, we don’t have the rights to that song. Jonnie is not Tony Khan. As I was saying, Steve Awesome is a well traveled veteran who was a former XHF X Crown Champion back in 2009 and is in the NCW Hall of Fame.
Steve Awesome gets up on the apron and blows a kiss to Mickie Fury in the ring. Dirk van Thijmen runs over to hit him, but Awesome drops down to the floor, smiling at Glorious Wolf
Guillermo O’Bannon: A little taste of the mind games Steve Awesome has planned here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023.
Phillip Blauer: They oughta just let these two kids smooch. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ew.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein backs Dirk off and allows Steve Awesome cautiously gets back in the ring, while Mickie Fury holds Glorious Wolf back
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; The Blast of Class…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The Palm Springs fans jeer Awesome while he drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. Dan Stein folds his arms behind Awesome
Steve Awesome vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen bashes him with some forearms to the face, and then hip tosses Steve Awesome across the ring!
The audience cheers and Steve Awesome scoots back on his butt, asking Van Thijmen for some time
Phillip Blauer: The man needs a time out, Richie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf in no mood for time outs; he pulls Awesome up by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckles over and over!
The Palm Springs crowd counts along until he gets to ten. Awesome walks out of the corner and does a face plant on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen yanks him up by the hair, and then snap mares him with his hair, flipping him to the mat!
“The Punisher” Dan Stein complains to Richie Richardson about the hair pulls, but Richie just shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen fireman’s carries Awesome over into a side headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Awesome’s skull.
Mickie Fury applauds on the outside, while Steve Awesome works his way to his feet with van Thijmen hanging on to the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pushes him off into the ropes but van Thijmen comes back with a reverse heel kick!
The crowd cheers and Dirk van Thijmen grabs a hammerlock. He pulls up on Awesome’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his chicken winged elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome back elbows his way out of the hammerlock. Van Thijmen irish whips him but Awesome reverses it and shoots him into the corner. Steve Awesome runs into a stinger splash in the corner.
The audience boos as Steve Awesome climbs on him in the corner, and starts raining punches on him. He looks over at Mickie Fury and gives her a crotch chop
Phillip Blauer: It appears Steven Awesome has two words for her. Hugs & Kisses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome takes his eye off the ball, and Dirk grabs his legs and walks him into the center of the ring with an inverted atomic drop.
Awesome clutches his balls, and then does a high back bump to the mat. He begs for mercy, telling an angry Dirk he was just kidding. Mickie Fury stands on the apron, and tries to get into the ring to handle this herself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson stops Mickie Fury from entering the ring. Dirk goes to intervene, and Steve Awesome uses the distraction to hit Dirk with a running knee to the stomach.
The cheers turn to jeers and Mickie Fury drops to the floor as Dan Stein protests her interference
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome hits the ropes and catches the keeled over van Thijmen with a running DDT!
Steve Awesome kips up to his feet and starts clenching his butt muscles in the direction of Mickie Fury and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: Look at that control! You could crack a walnut in those. Gizmo, give me a walnut.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t have a walnut, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Aw, I’m starving. Where’s the guy selling potted meat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably on the Titanic. Steve Awesome now slapping van Thijmen in the back of the head.
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Dirk gets mad and gets up to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome with a step up shining wizard!
The Palm Springs audience lets out a collective “OH!” Steve Awesome pulls him up into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome flips him up and over with a reverse suplex but Dirk lands on his feet, and runs Steve into the ropes rolling back into a bridging backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, then spins Awesome into an airplane spin.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t see good airplane spins anymore. No, the kids just want rainmakers and fentanyl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen finally deposits him over the ropes to the floor below!
The fans cheer and Mickie Fury applauds as Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf leaps off with a flying double ax handle that catches Steve Awesome right between the eyes!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen grabs Awesome up by the hair and smashes his face into the steel steps, making a sound that rings through The Acrisure Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen sets up Awesome’s legs by the corner post. He slingshots Steve up into the ring post, but “The Punisher” Dan Stein catches him!
Phillip Blauer: Dantastic!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen asks Stein what his problem is, and Dan jabs him in the stomach with The Peacemaker wooden staff!!
The crowd boos as Dan Stein helps Steve Awesome to his feet, and he Awesome lifts van Thijmen up into a sit out front suplex on the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome sneaks up behind Mickie Fury as she argues with Dan Stein and puts his arm around her!
Mickie screams and instinctively grabs Awesome by the arm and judo flips him to the floor! The audience laughs as Awesome clutches his back
Phillip Blauer: Mickie shouldn’t be so closed off to love. I’m just saying.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Steve needs to learn to keep his hands to himself.
Phillip Blauer: Both can be true.
Dirk van Thijmen now rolls Steve Awesome back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen hits Steve Awesome with a flying dropkick!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Glorious Wolf irish whips him into the ropes, dips down for a backdrop, but Awesome catches him with a swinging neckbreaker!
The Acrisure Arena boos as Steve Awesome sits up and says “That was one swinging neckbreaker, babe!” at Mickie Fury
Phillip Blauer: You gotta learn to laugh, Mickie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls Dirk to his feet in a hammerlock, and then drops him on his shoulder with a crossface chicken wing suplex he calls The Awesome-plex!
The audience jeers as Dirk van Thijmen holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Steve Awesome gets on the top turnbuckle and pretends to nap and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: It’s important to find a time to sneak a good mid-match snooze. All the top guys do it. Bruno Sammartino used to catch a good 40 winks when you grabbed a chinlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls van Thijmen and irish whips him into the ropes, but Glorious Wolf slides through his legs, catches Awesome’s ankle and rolls up into a single leg boston crab!
The Palm Springs fans come to life as Dirk plants his feet and cranks back on Steve Awesome’s leg. Richie Richardson checks in to see if he wants to tap out, while Awesome’s eyes bug out from the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen sits low, putting a bad angle on that knee, while Steve Awesome crawls towards the ropes.
Dan Stein pounds on the mat, Richie Richardson again asks Steve Awesome if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head, trying to hold on
Phillip Blauer: Steve Awesome showing the world his heart tonight. Maybe showing off for a special someone?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome finally hooks the bottom rope and Richie Richardson makes Dirk release the single leg crab. He pulls Steve up and rocks him with some european uppercuts. He backs up into the ropes and floors Awesome with a roaring elbow!
The crowd is cheering, chanting “DIRK! DIRK! DIRK!” while Mickie Fury leads them. Dirk van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen dives off the top rope with a flying clothesline!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” Van Thijmen irish whips Steve Awesome into the corner, but Awesome runs up the turnbuckles and backflips into a moonsault body press
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Sault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome applies the Awesome Lock chicken wing crossface. He clamps down on van Thijmen’s windpipe while pulling up on his hammerlocked elbow and wrist, putting pressure on that shoulder as well
The boos rain down on Steve Awesome while he tries to choke out Glorious Wolf. Van Thijmen repeatedly refuses to give up, and fights his way to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen trying to escape the Awesome Lock, getting his arm in between Awesome’s arm, and peeling it back. Steve gives up on the Awesome Lock and lifts him up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his own arm!!
Dirk van Thijmen rolls around the mat, clutching his arm in agony. Steve Awesome twists his aching arm, and steps over into a rings of saturn
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone’s Favorite Submission Hold also known as the EFSH! He plants his one foot, pushing Dirk’s head into his chest, while trying to pull his arm out of it’s socket.
The jeers and heckling of Steve Awesome are booming as Dirk van Thijmen tries to hang on. Mickie Fury yells her encouragement as Glorious Wolf tries to hang on. Awesome grabs the top rope for leverage, unbeknownst to Richie Richardson and the booing gets to a fever pitch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on, Richie, turn around!
Phillip Blauer: I’ve seen that kid walk into a wall returning a text.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome using that top rope for leverage to make the EFSH even more lethal and sits down low. Dirk is forced to tap out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Steve Awesome releases the rings of saturn, with his arms raised in the air as "Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 25 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
“The Punisher” Dan Stein raises Steve Awesome’s arm as Mickie Fury runs in to check on Dirk van Thijmen’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome used that rope to essentially make Everyone’s Favorite Submission Hold inescapable.
Phillip Blauer: Well Gershwin, he was trying to sit down. Show me where in the rulebook it says you can’t hold the rope if you need to sit down?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well I don’t have a rulebook on me, but it’s obviously illegal.
Phillip Blauer: You can’t just make this stuff up as you go along.
Steve Awesome blows another kiss to Mickie Fury as she stares at him. She stands up and the Palm Springs fans cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie going chest to chest with Steve Awesome!
Phillip Blauer: The new power couple of Hardkore World is born, right here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury spins into her Spin Wheel Kick!!
The fans erupt and Steve Awesome flops through the ropes into the arms of Dan Stein at ringside. Steve Awesome points to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein now carrying the XHF Hardcore Champion to the back as Mickie Fury invites him back into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Steve is better off. You don’t want a gal that Spin Wheel Kicks you.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen stands up with his arm clutched close to his body. Mickie Fury turns around and they look at one another. The fans buzz with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie and Dirk embrace!!
The Acrisure Arena roars as the husband and wife hug in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: All of Dirk’s jealous suspicions evaporated when he saw the way that Mickie defended him when he was hurt.
The fans continue to applaud Dirk and Mickie as they turn around and raise one another’s hands
Phillip Blauer: No one is interested in your healthy relationship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a great match to start us off here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. This is only the beginning fans, don’t go away!
In the back, Scorpion is in his ring gear and is in front of a mirror in the locker room. “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus is playing in the background as Scorpion applies some chapstick to his lips. He continues to groom himself as he dances to the song. The dance becomes more seductive as he watches himself.
Scorpion: "Would you wrestle me? I'd wrestle me. I'd wrestle me so hard."
Fade back up on Phil and Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok…that was weird.
Phillip Blauer: We gotta talk to Randy Valentine Jr. in Hardkore Sales. He’s gotta get us better ads.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, welcome back fans, and next up is a match between two of the new young lions here in Hardkore World, both looking to move up the rankings with a win on our biggest show of the year!
As the "Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system, Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Phillip Blauer: Oh this guy…watch out!
Cruise’s surfboard barely misses Phil again as it goes up and Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that is fun. Not as fun as last time, but still. Pretty fun.
Phillip Blauer: I swear, as soon as I clear up all my subpoenas, I am going to sue this guy. On Judge Mathis.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he got canceled.
Phillip Blauer: Nope. Still on the air. You’re thinking of Judge Mills Lane. He died.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right. Simon Cruise loves it here despite it being landlocked.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, I heard he was reportedly “bummed to the max”, but we have any number of flood runoff reservoirs he could frequent to get his fix of the waves. Why every night I see a group of dirty men with shopping carts under the bridges burning campfires there. They must be huge surfing enthusiasts. I drove by one of them with his hand out. I slapped it and told him to “Hang Ten, dude!” He seemed to enjoy our interaction.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. He has fond memories from working here as ring crew with Donnie Valentine Jr. but he needed to break out to become who he is today, and now he makes his grand return as a wrestler fighting in front of the demanding Palm Springs crowds. He promises to steal the show tonight, and be the match everyone is talking about after all the title matches and grudge matches are over.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give him a loud ovation
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the Acrisure Arena cheers as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, Little Dragon watched Palm Springs Punishment 2006 where his father Dragon Belt was in a battle royal for the vacant Hardkore Nippon Junior Heavyweight Championship. Now he’s here to make his own history.
Phillip Blauer: So that his son, Even Littler Dragon can go on and do the same.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has deep respect for Simon Cruise and sees alot of similarities between the two of them. They both paid their dues in the business setting up rings.
Phillip Blauer: Dear lord, is it possible that the mouth breathers that set up tonight’s ring will force us to watch them wrestle as well one day?
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon knows his parents are watching tonight and looks to make them proud.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Acrisure Arena gives him a huge pop, which he acknowledges with a head nod
Little Dragon vs. Simon Cruise
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and both men circle one another, looking for an opening. It’s Little Dragon who makes the first move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon and Simon Cruise lock up with Dragon and quickly grabs a headlock but Cruise is fast to roll through with a pin but the Dragon rolls through it before a count can be made by Kelly O’Connell and brings Simon to his feet.
The audience applauds the exchange
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Venice Beach native doesn’t stop moving and slips out the back with a hammerlock but Little Dragon reverses it immediately and twists the arm into an arm wringer.
Little Dragon gives Cruise’s arm another twist, and he cries out in pain. The Surfer deftly ducks under the hold rolls out of it, then runs up the ropes to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise comes off with a rana but no, Little Dragon cartwheels out of it! Simon rushes in and gets caught with an arm drag!
Holding onto the arm, Little Dragon looks to lock in an armbar but Cruise rolls through and dives forward with a punch to the lower stomach that could well be the groin. Dragon goes down, and Simon Cruise hits him with a double stomp to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kick Flip! Simon Cruise now attempting to ride Little Dragon like a surfboard.
Phillip Blauer: It’s so crazy it just might work.
The fans cheer as Simon Cruise tries to maintain his balance, as Little Dragon crawls towards the ropes. Cruise pulls Dragon up by the mask and unloads with a series of punches that back the Hong Kong native into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs Little Dragon’s arm and irish whips him but Dragon reverses it and shoots Cruise into the corner and follows behind, but Cruise runs up the turnbuckles and backflips behind him! He grabs him in a german suplex but Dragon lands on his feet! Little Dragon with a flying headscissors takedown that sends Cruise out of the ring!
The audience cheers the whirlwind of action. Little Dragon gets a running start and dives over the ropes with a suicide plancha!! The crowd chants “DRA-GON! DRA-GON! DRA-GON!” as they both lie on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon rolls Simon Cruise back into the ring but when he enters himself, Simon Cruise catches him unawares with a hard right hand. He boots him in the stomach, and then scoops him up. Cruise goes for a bodyslam but Little Dragon inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Using Cruise’s hair, Little Dragon picks up his opponent, but Simon answers with an uppercut!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hits a standing enziguri sends Little Dragon into the turnbuckle. Cruise backs up and then handsprings into a spinning heel kick to Dragon in the corner!!
The Acrisure Arena pops at that. Simon pulls up Dragon for a german suplex but Little Dragon reverses it into a mini victory roll
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Trying to stay on the offensive, Little Dragon irish whips him into the ropes and connects with a spinning roundhouse kick!
Little Dragon rolls to his feet and springs up to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off with a frog splash but Cruise puts his knees up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon misses the Dragon Splash!! Cruise, not wanting to lose the window of opportunity, picks up Little Dragon and sends him shoulder first into the ringpost!
Simon Cruise peels Dragon from the turnbuckle and lifts him up into a belly to back backbreaker
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Simon Cruise irish whips Little Dragon to the rope and leapfrogs on the first pass
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Little Dragon approaches, Cruise ducks down and catches a running blockbuster from Dragon! Little Dragon grabs his leg in a spinning toehold and then drops down into a figure four leglock!
The audience cheers and Simon Cruise drops back to the mat in pain. He shakes his head, refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon pushes down on Simon Cruise’s twisted legs, trying to break his knee. Cruise can’t reach the ropes and is fighting not to tap out.
Cruise desperately starts rocking and manages to turn Dragon over. Dragon yells out in pain as Cruise begins to act like he’s paddling
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s just asinine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is just having some fun in there, Phil.
Dragon works his way out of the counter and pulls himself toward the corner. Cruise stops paddling and tries to jump up on the board, but the damage from the figure four causes him to collapse to the mat. Dragon pulls himself up and sees Cruise down
Phillip Blauer: This man is a danger to himself and others.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls himself up and sees Cruise down so he comes off the ropes and connects with the side of his head with a shining wizard!
The Palm Springs fans let out a loud “OH!” and Cruise goes down like a redwood. Little Dragon climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon flips into a shooting star press!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Probably didn’t even mean to do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has every right to be shocked but instead he keeps up the pressure. He brings Cruise to his feet in a half nelson and drops him on his head with a lightning fast t-bone suplex!
Cruise looks dazed as Dragon leans over him and grabs wrist-control as he picks up the surfer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon pulls him into a ripcord lariat but Cruise ducks it and counters with a sleeper!
The audience pops as Simon Cruise cranking on Little Dragon’s carotid artery, Cruise tries to wear down the larger man. Dragon starts to stomp his foot, getting the Palm Springs crowd to start to clap in unison
Guillermo O’Bannon: The fans getting on Little Dragon’s side, trying to urge him out of that sleeper. Working his way towards the corner, Little Dragon swings his legs up and uses the top turnbuckle to roll backwards into a pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise releases the sleeper!
Simon Cruise is able to get to his feet first as the damage from that sleeper has been done. He steps on the backs of Little Dragon’s knees, Cruise wastes no time and locks in Dragon’s legs. Cruise then pops Dragon’s ribs on both sides, causing Dragon to reach back. Cruise catches Dragon’s arms, then rocks back into a mexican surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Control!! This is the move he used to end the match with Dana “The Drone” Daniels in Oakland and Moondog Dook in Portland! Dragon is locked in and can only yell.
Kelly O’Connell asks Little Dragon if he gives up, but Dragon keeps fighting. The fans chant “DRA-GON! DRA-GON! DRA-GON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon slips his right arm from Cruise’s grip! Cruise is forced to release the hold and rolls Dragon onto his stomach.
Both men rush to their feet, Little Dragon throws a roundhouse kick but it’s ducked and Simon Cruise counters with a high angle thrust kick that sends Dragon through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kickflip sends Little Dragon to the apron!
Simon climbs through the ropes and dropkicks Little Dragon in the groin, doubling him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Grounded Cruise Missle to where no man wants it! He scoops him up into a michinoku driver II on the unforgiving apron!!
The crowd’s enthusiasm was slightly dampened by the vicious move by Cruise. Simon ignores them and rolls his prey into the ring and climbs between the ropes. He drops down and stalks Dragon, waiting for him to get up. Little Dragon starts to get to his feet and then Cruise takes him out of his boots with a spinning spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barrel Roll!! Cruise hooks the leg!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise lifts up Dragon and scoops him up into a tombstone but Dragon escapes out the back and german suplexes Cruise!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls his shoulder up
Pointing to the corner, Dragon makes a beeline for it and leaps once more to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can he get that DSD Backstabber? Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles to meet him halfway with a kneelift under his chin! Superplex off the top rope from Simon Cruise!!
The fans cheer wildly, but Simon Cruise isn’t done. He hangs on, rolls his hips until he and Little Dragon are back at the suplex position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise snap suplexing him! He rolls his hips into a second snap suplex! Carnival Cruise!! He rolls him back up and then hooks his leg and drops him into a small package driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Acrisure Arena pops as Simon Cruise hops up and pretends to surf while “Riptide” from Vance Joy plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: They promised us a great match and we surely got it.
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is this music? Is that ukelele?? In wrestling music??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scores his biggest victory since returning to Hardkore World as a wrestler, defeating the son of Dragon Bely and Dragonatrix, Little Dragon!
Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm and he gets a big ovation from the fans, and he motions that he loves them too
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with his 4th win in a row and definitely making a case for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane has better things to do than defend the West Coast title against Bill & Ted.
Little Dragon sticks his hand out, and Simon Cruise immediately shakes it and raises Little Dragon’s arm as well getting a big reaction from the Palm Springs fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Great show of sportsmanship from two of Hardkore World’s top new stars! Don’t go away, fans…
Phillip Blauer: They can’t. It’s pay-per-view.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, right. The Stairway to Heaven match between The Sheik and Alexander Von Blankenship is coming right up!
Jimmy Valentine Jr. stands in front a desk filled with Hardkore Action Figures.
Jimmy Valentine Jr.: What’s up, children and adult men collectors? I’m Jimmy Valentine Jr., Hardkore World merchandise guy and fantasy football commissioner. Hardkore World is excited to announce the release of a new set of classic Hardkore Action Figures!
Cut to two children playing with Disney’s Marty Donovan and Kalmin Watts action figures in a toy Hardkore ring
First Boy: (holding Kalmin Watts) You cannot withstand The Sooner Squeeze!!
Second Boy: (holding Marty Donovan) Stream Star Wars: Young Jedi Adventures!! Starting April 26th!
Cut to still shots of 7 inch rubber action figures with Jimmy Valentine Jr’s voice over:
Alexander Von Blankenshiip!
Little Dragon!
Cross Recoba with his titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen comes with Mickie Fury!
“High Roller Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein with his Peacemaker staff!
The Sheik comes with Malcolm Xavier Graves who’s got a cane!
A collectible Hardkore Jonnie Valentine with attachable pacifier and painters mask!
Kilroy Evans with Dinky the donkey!
And our top seller…ring announcer Greg Jin!
And the new Mir Match Playset!
Jimmy Valentine Jr.: Wherever fine toys are sold!
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside that is now littered with tables, chairs, and a ladder in the middle of the ring and one one the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we are back and it is time to see two men who hate each other tear one another down the very last molecule. Alexander Von Blankenship returned to Hardkore World and resorted back to his old ways by immediately double crossing The Sheik and costing him the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. The Sheik got even by abducting a human being.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik got even by abducting a human being. A felony that carries a possible life sentence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is true, Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik have got Hasbulla, embarrassing Hardkore World, which I’m sure is his intent.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. “The Punisher” Dan Stein walks out behind him. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Look at this kid. Putting on a brave face while being worried sick about his little kemosabe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They clearly bonded on MTV’s The Challenge, winning the million dollars. Now, AVB is Hasbulla’s only hope.
Phillip Blauer: Winning that money wasn’t easy. During the swimming things, Hasbulla had to ride AVB like a log. If it wasn’t for that crazy straw…he would have drowned.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better then you" as he goes by. Dan Stein smacks away the fans that try and touch AVB
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing white satin boxing trunks, with a dark blue trim, with “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship says tonight his chance to prove he can get just as rough as the roughest man in Hardkore World, The Sheik.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ladder standing in front of the ring then stops. He gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing
Phillip Blauer: He’s not only very talented, but deeply spiritual. You gotta love it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB has shown that he can get down and dirty with the best of him like when he beat Kilroy Evans in a bloodbath in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament in April of 2022.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the ring and climbs the ladder. He gets to the top of the ladder and looking out towards the entire crowd. AVB yells out "Always Very Blessed!!"
Greg Jin: "The following is a Stairway to Heaven match with a 30 minute time limit! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his bodyguard, “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is That Lucky Bastard, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as AVB seems to bathe in them with his eyes closed
Then “'Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the fans cheer. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves trailing behind him in hot pursuit
Phillip Blauer: This man is a felon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves treated Hasbulla well, I guess you could say. But they still abducted Hasbulla and deprived that man of his freedom.
The Sheik stops at ringside and points at Alexander Von Blankenship who is still standing on a ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik considers himself the uncrowned Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship after his matches with Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donovan. Many fans do as well.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, well, many of these fans apparently think deodorant lasts several days.
The Sheik slides into the ring and AVB drops down from his ladder in fear. Backing away from The Sheik, until he ducks between the second and top rope. Tommy Milligan backs The Sheik off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that unlike Alexander Von Blankenship, The Sheik doesn’t suck up to the right people. But The Sheik doesn’t care that AVB is Rat Bastard’s son. Tonight, he won’t have the protection of The Office, he’s alone in the ring with The Man from Rub' al Khali. From here on out, The Anointed are marked man when it comes to The Sheik
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Whirlwind of Destruction; The Storm of Violence..THE SHEIK!!!”
The fans cheer as The Sheik runs at Alexander Von Blankenship who drops to the mat
Stairway to Heaven Match
The Sheik vs. Alexander Von Blankenship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Alexander Von Blankenship enters the ring. Suddenly the lights go out
Phillip Blauer: What the-, what happened to the lights…Oh no! My fondue kit spilled hot cheese all over the table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: God, Phil, it’s everywhere. Why do you bring that thing everywhere?
Phillip Blauer: It was a Christmas gift from Wesley Crane!
Suddenly the lights come back on and Hasbulla is suspended over the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Hasbulla! And Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik have some how hung him over the ring!
Hasbulla cries for help as he swings over the ring
Phillip Blauer: The poor little guy, crying for help. I imagine. I don’t speak Russian. He could be saying he’s fine up there, but I really doubt…Boy, there is a lot of cheese on this desk. Looks worse in the light.
AVB walks up to The Sheik, chest to chest. The fans let out a collective “OHHHH!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think I see AVB’s Adam’s apple bobbing…
Alexander Von Blankenship goes to slap him but The Sheik grabs his wrist! The Palm Springs crowd cheers as Von Blankenship’s eyes bug out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not so fast!
AVB tries to talk his way out of it, but The Sheik slugs him in the face, popping the crowd. The Sheik grabs him by the hair and tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes and dives through the ropes into a plancha onto Alexander Von Blankenship!!
The audience roars! The Sheik pulls him up by the hair, but AVB comes up blasting with a hard chop to the chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks The Sheik with another hard chop. He presses The Sheik against the guardrail and smacks him with an overhand chop in the chest.
The fans “Woo!” as The Sheik clutches his chest and drops down to one knee. He grabs a chair from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. as AVB moves in for the kill
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses a chair into Von Blankenship’s head!!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a collective “OH!” AVB goes down while The Sheik sets up a chair in front of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs into the ropes and steps onto the chair to vault up into a triple jump moonsault on Alexander Von Blankenhip!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik pulls AVB up, but Alexander Von Blankenship pokes him in the eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker.
The Sheik grabs at his shoulder. Alexander Von Blankenship lies the ladder down across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB sets The Sheik up in front of the ladder. He plants his feet and snap suplexes The Sheik across the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans boo as The Sheik arches his back in pain. Dan Stein applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up but The Sheik floats over onto his feet behind him. The Sheik kicks AVB in the stomach, and then rocks him with an uppercut. The Sheik picks up the ladder and tosses it at Von Blankenship’s face!!
The sound of the ladder rocking off of AVB’s face rings through The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship is sprawled out on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops a leg across AVB’s face!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik waits for Alexander Von Blankenship to get to his feet, then hops onto the middle of the second rope. He backflips into a moonsault body press but AVB catches him and drops him into a backbreaker!
The Sheik flops around on the mat in agony. Alexander Von Blankenship starts stomping the small of Sheik’s back, and then sets up a chair in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In May of 2022, Alexander Von Blankenship made his debut defeating former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage in this very city. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, Alexander Von Blankenship lost to Syberus in the tournament final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Alexander Von Blankenship rolls The Sheik around into a swinging neckbreaker where the back of Sheik’s head hits the back of that chair!!
The audience lets out another “OH!” and The Sheik clutches the back of his head. AVB irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB goes for a spinebuster but The Sheik reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up and kicks him in the stomach, and then stands him up with an uppercut. He picks up the ladder and drags it towards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that ladder right at AVB’s face!!
The sound of the metal ladder rings through The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship clutches his face and rolls out of the ring to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls out of the ring and pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up, but AVB comes up firing with right hands. The Sheik and AVB are now brawling at ringside!
AVB reaches over and scratches The Sheik’s eyes. Alexander Von Blankenship then lays out The Sheik with a hard right hand. He picks up a ladder off of the arena floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs that ladder and rams the top of it into AVB’s stomach! He irish whips Von Blankenship into the railing so hard that he flips!
Alexander Von Blankenship lies upside down, leaning against the security rail. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands The Sheik a chair that he sets up in front of AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik gets a running start and vaults off the chair, catching a rising Alexander Von Blankenship with a leg lariat!
The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly! MXG slides a table out from under the ring and sets it up, but The Sheik lifts it up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that table, striking Alexander Von Blankenship in the face with it!
The Sheik leans the table against the guardrail. He pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips him, but AVB reverses it and shoots The Sheik into the table leaning against the railing!
The fans boo. Sheik holds the back of his head where it whipped back into the table, and staggers forward
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs his legs and spinebusters Sheik on the concrete!
AVB holds on to the railing and stomps Sheik’s knee over and over. Dan Stein hands Von Blankenship a ladder and AVB crashes it down across Sheik’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB lifts that ladder up again, but before he can bring it down across Sheik’s head, Sheik punches him in the stomach. He procures the ladder and tosses it at Von Blankenship’s face!!
The Sheik rams Alexander Von Blankenship’s face into the railing, and then he and Malcolm Xavier Graves lie a table bridging across the apron and the guardrail. He rolls into the ring and sets up a chair near the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, The Sheik defeated Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match, after losing to him in a previous match in Palm Springs in May of 2022, but now The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair, and springboard leg drops Alexander Von Blankenship through the table on the floor!!
The crowd erupts in cheers as The Sheik and AVB lie in the former table. Hasbulla looks worried as he swings over the ring
Phillip Blauer: Come on, Tommy! Disqualify him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a Stairway to Heaven match.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I assumed this was a religious match that proved the winner’s claim of an afterlife. I did think it was a strange way of proving one faith over the other, but what do I know?
The Sheik lays a couple of stomps on Alexander Von Blankenships’s face. He slides the ladder into the ring and sets it up near the ropes. He begins climbing up the rungs of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla able to sneak in a little punch to the back of The Sheik’s head as he passes by him on the ladder.
The Sheik’s eyes bug out as he turns around and looks at a terrified Hasbulla
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. He’s defenseless.
The Sheik pushes Hasbulla and he swings back. Malcolm Xavier Graves cackles at ringside
Phillip Blauer: I will admit, that is objectively funny.
Suddenly Alexander Von Blankenship climbs up the other side of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll tell you one person who doesn’t think it’s funny, and that’s Hasbulla’s partner on MTV’s The Challenge! He lights The Sheik up with punches at the top of the ladder. He scoops him up and gives him a fallaway slam off the middle of the ladder!!
The Acrisure Arena boos as both men lie on the mat, recovering
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was one of his father’s big moves, but I don’t know if he ever did it off of a ladder.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the ropes, but Malcolm Xavier Graves stands up on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB spits on MXG! Disgusting! Not really very many redeeming qualities in these two.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not true. AVB has that spiffy hair do. And The Sheik is nice to handicapped people like his manager.
AVB lays the ladder down in the middle of the ring, and then sets up The Sheik for a suplex in front of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up into a suplex, but drops Sheik’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex on the ladder!!
The Sheik arches his back in pain as the jeers get louder. Alexander Von Blankenship shouts up “I’m comin for you, lil man!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB irish whips him into the ropes but The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and hops back into a leg lariat!
The fans cheer, and The Sheik folds up the ladder as Alexander Von Blankenship gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hurls the ladder at AVB, connecting with his skull!
The impact sends Alexander Von Blankenship falling through the ropes to the floor below. Malcolm Xavier Graves slides a table out and starts setting it up at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: I fear AVB will rue the day he spit on MXG.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think AVB is a “rue the day” type of chap.
The Sheik rolls out of the ring and helps Graves load AVB onto the table. He slides back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle. MXG hands him a ladder to hold on to from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rides the ladder from the top turnbuckle onto Alexander Von Blankenship on a table through the to the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt with cheers! AVB lies in a broken table with a ladder on top of him while Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to help The Sheik recover at ringside. Finally The Sheik and MXG roll Von Blankenship back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up by the hair and goes to kick him, but AVB grabs his leg with a dragon screw leg whip. Sheik gets right back up, but this time Von Blankenship kicks him right in the balls!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Sheik’s arms and then lifts him up into an angel’s wings on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship with Purification on the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
The Sheik holds his ribs while AVB tries to catch his breath on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB up on his feet, and he picks up the ladder. He tries to smash it over The Sheik’s head, but The Sheik blocks it. He rips the ladder out of Von Blankenship’s hands, and bashes him in the head with it!
The Sheik sets up a chair in front of the ropes, and then lies the ladder on top of Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, and then springboard moonsaults the ladder on top of AVB!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a leg drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye, and then levels him with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB hits him upside the head with Ordained!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik stabs AVB in the forehead with a fork!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, The Sheik just picturing the forehead of AVB with that fork he smuggled in his baggy pants.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Alexander Von Blankenship staggers around the ring with blood flowing out of the cut over his eye, blinded. Malcolm Xavier Graves steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves swings at the blinded AVB with his cane but he catches it!
Phillip Blauer: Not too blind! Like Roy Orbison!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wrestling with MXG over that cane, but The Sheik comes off the top rope with a roundhouse kick! Dan Stein now in the ring, and he chases Malcolm Xavier Graves out, and around ringside.
The Sheik bludgeons AVB with the cane over and over, as Von Blankenship tries to cover up. Then The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle, and pulls the ladder up with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rides the ladder off the top rope, crashing down across the chest of Alexander Von Blankenship!!
Malcolm Xavier Graves escapes Dan Stein through the crowd. Inside the ring, The Sheik pulls him up to his feet and irish whips him into the ropes, he goes for a huracanrana but AVB reverses it into a barry white driver on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gives The Sheik Desecration onto the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Alexander Von Blankenship has bled all over his white satin boxing trunks. He motions for The Sheik to get to his feet, and then lays him out with a superman punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB knocks him out with The Baptism! Hasbulla now yelling to be brought down!
Alexander Von Blankenship sets up the ladder underneath Hasbulla and then begins climbing the rungs up towards him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship up on top and unhooks Hasbulla, and starts bringing him down the ladder.
Phillip Blauer: He’s done it! He has won the Lil Guy on a Pole match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he still has to…Malcolm Xavier Graves reappears and just threw a fireball at AVB’s face!!
The Palm Springs audience gasps as Alexander Von Blankenship and Hasbulla fall off the ladder. AVB clutches his face while Hasbulla beats out a part of his coat that caught fire
Phillip Blauer: That fiend! See why celebrities stay as far away as they can from here?
The Sheik lays in some stomps on AVB’s burned face and then lies the ladder on the mar. He rolls him on to the ladder and then climbs to the top turnbuckle, and Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an atomic arabian facebuster off top rope onto AVB on the ladder!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as "Seasons in the Abyss" by Stone Sour plays and The Sheik rolls off of Alexander Von Blankenship. He rips his arm away from Tommy Milligan when he tries to raise it
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH..THE SHEIK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was a match meant for vengeance, and The Sheik seemingly got it here tonight. Dan Stein and Hasbulla are pouring water bottles on AVB’s face and chest, where he was hit with that fireball by the dastardly Malcolm Xavier Graves.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik a sore loser after Alexander Von Blankenship won the match by winning the little guy on the hook.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, that’s not how you win a Stairway to Heaven match.
Dan Stein takes his Peacemaker wooden staff and tries to take The Sheik’s head off with it, but Malcolm Xavier Graves drags Sheik away in time
Guillermo O’Bannon: This may have started a whole new chapter between these two, and the MIR match is still coming up.
Open up at Hardkore headquarters, The Office, in Palm Springs, California. Simon Cruise is seated across from Judy Valentine Jr. in her cubicle of the open floor plan. There's a picture of her holding a bowling trophy with her team "The Cereal Bowlers". The mug on her desk says, “You Can All Come Out Now, I’ve Had My Coffee”. Simon is on his phone, trying no to look bored but clearly is.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Okey dokey. Sorry I had to drag you all the way down to The Office. I know you kids today are like (crazy lady voice) “This coulda been an email!”
Judy laughs. Simon kinda laughs. Judy keeps laughing, so Simon keeps laughing. Finally it dies down. First his, and then after an uncomfortably long time, so does hers
Simon Cruise: Nah - so impressional, happy to swing 'round. You still down with the pachyderms? I heard you liked drinking, so I brought you some Carlsberg Elephant beer.
Simon holds up the twelve pac with a big smile on his face. She does not return the favor, and suddenly all the air gets sucked out of the room. The laughter is gone, except for Simon’s nervous chuckle.
Judy Valentine Jr.: I see. And you think a twelve pack of beer is a good thing to bring to a meeting with your Talent Relations rep?
Simon Cruise: Um, nah but-
Judy Valentine Jr.: You would be correct.
Simon Cruise: Uh?
Simon sort of shrugs as the formerly jolly Judy is now giving him a death glare. The only noise is the clock ticking
Judy Valentine Jr.: It’s a great thing to bring to a meeting with this HR rep! Thank you! Let me take that off your hand. Just don’t let my Richie see….
Judy puts it on her desk
Simon Cruise: I hear that... and... Richie is your…?
Judy Valentine Jr.: (waves him off) Nevermind. Anywho. So like I said, this’ll be super easy. I already got all your W2’s from back when you worked here for Donnie Jr. I just need you to sign some stuff, and you can be on your way. Have ya been to the Forever Marilyn Statue?
Simon Cruise: I don't actually get out here too often, no beachfront-
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh ya gotta check that out. It’s a giant Marilyn Monroe statue we have in downtown Palm Springs. She’s got her dress blowing up so you can go under and look at her under bits. You know who Marilyn Monroe is, honey?
Simon Cruise: She dated Tommy Zahn...
Judy Valentine Jr.: Of course you do, I’m sure she’s still real big with the kids. You know she liked pills like that rapper guy. Lil Xan?
Simon Cruise: Oh yeah. He’s cool, I guess.
Judy Valentine Jr.: No, I was offering a little xanax, hon? Jonnie’s such a dear. He leaves the stuff laying around here in little candy dishes. And they are just the best little pick me up.
Simon Cruise: That's sweet of you Judy, but not my party of choice.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Anyway, I’m so sorry. I’m just talkin your ear off, you’re probably like (crazy lady voice) “This coulda been a text!”
Judy laughs. Simon sort of laughs. Judy’s just beside herself.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (wipes a tear) Oh, Judy. But I’m just waiting for this dang computer to fire up. Let’s see (puts her glasses on) It says “Password”. (looks at Simon) So what’s the password?
Simon blinks, not sure what she wants
Simon Cruise: That one gets me too. Like ALL the time. ...But I think it means your password.
Judy Valentine Jr.: My password? I don’t know. That know-it-all nephew of mine DJ made me change it. What was it? Oh, poop.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr drops by
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Knock knock!
Judy Valentine Jr.: Donnie!
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Aunt Judy!
Judy stands up to give her nephew a big hug. Donnie sits in the chair next to Simon
Donnie Valentine Jr.: How ya doin kid?
Simon Cruise: Word up Donnie - me and your aunt are just chilling like villains.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: That’s great to hear. You know, don’t think you’ve gotten so big you can’t ask your old boss to come out with you some time. I can show you where all the best rats are. Most of them are married with children now, but it’s just nice to talk to someone sometimes, ya know?
Simon Cruise: And how, Donnie - thanks for the consideration. As for the plus ones, I bet half the kids have that Valentine chin.
Judy Valentine Jr.: So what brings my favorite nephew?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Aw, just picking up my paycheck. People been tellin me to do direct deposit, but I’m holdin out until the banks start giving away toasters like they used to.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Is that toaster of yours still broke?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Two years. But it’s a waiting game. Oh! We’re drinking in The Office again?
Simon Cruise: That’s actually for…
Donnie loudly rips the top of the cardboard box, and reaches inside the clanking twelve pac for his bottle of beer
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh go ahead.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (takes a sip) I thought we couldn’t drink since Richie got pulled over after the Oscar party.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Bless his heart. I always told my Richie, “If you ever have too much to drink and think you can’t drive home, just take the back roads.”
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Didn’t he tell the cops his name?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Poor dear was so scared he used his working name.
Simon Cruise: So the referee Richie is actually…
Judy Valentine Jr.: Donnie, what’s my password?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Isn’t it one of your cats?
Judy Valentine Jr.: It used to be but DJ made me change it.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (takes another sip) Oh, kid. What did you say this beer was?
Simon Cruise: Carlsberg Elephant beer. The one where you can't drink to forget...
Donnie Valentine Jr.: They make beer from elephants now? They can do anything! You can kind of taste the ivory in here. It tastes “endangered”?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh, I gotta try this.
Judy reaches in and grabs a beer out of the case. Donnie offers her a bottle opener, but she pops it open with her teeth and spits the cap out
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh yeah. It has a nutty flavor. Probably from the peanuts this elephant ate at the circus before he got killed for not standing on the ball and got turned into beer. Hey Greg! Greg!
Hardkore ring announcer is walking by but stops in his tracks. He points at himself questioningly
Greg Jin: (whispers) Are we drinking in The Office again?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: (whispers) Yeah!
Greg Jin: (looks around) We’re not worried about Richie anymore?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Nah, fuck em.
Greg Jin: Oh, thank god. The day I’ve had.
Donnie reaches in and hands it to Judy. Judy bites down on the top and twists the cap off with one swift motion. Judy spits out the beer cap while Donnie hands the bottle to Greg
Judy Valentine Jr.: Greg, what’s my pass…
Greg Jin: SeXXXYGr@ndma69
Judy Valentine Jr.: That’s the one.
Judy types it in and you can hear a positive ding signifying she got in. Greg nods and takes a long pull from his beer as everyone else does the same to avoid the awkwardness. Simon takes a cue from them and pulls out a beer from the case
Judy Valentine Jr.: May I?
Simon Cruise: Hmm? Knock yourself out.
Judy opens the beer with his teeth and spits out the cap. She hands the foaming over beer back to Simon
Simon Cruise: Thanks.
Cruise looks around at the Valentines for a moment, before busting a smile.
Simon Cruise: I've missed this place.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and his rag tag group of employees set up tables, bridging from apron to railing, two deep, all around the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As you fans can see, it is time for our first Mir Match in 15 years.
Phillip Blauer: Men breaking tables until you’re sick of it, and then they continue to break them until you love it all over again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last one was at Palm Springs Punishment 2008 when Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini defeated Hardkore Britain Grand Champion Levi Watts and Hardkore South Heavyweight Champion: Paul Soutter. But that was to decide who got a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage. This match is the first battle in a sure to be upcoming war between Tuxedo Mask and the man he betrayed, Kilroy Evans.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and yawns at the reaction. Two time Hardkore World Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae walks out behind him.
Tux walks to the right side of the ramp and takes a bow as the audience heckles him. Ri Eun-Ae rolls her eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says he is tired of helping everyone else, and it’s time to help himself for a change. That may be, but that was no excuse for what he did to Kilroy in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: I know I’m always right about everything, but with Tux I may have be wro-...I may have been wro-...I may have been misinformed about him. This guy has it all. Looks, he’s hip, and he no longer has to worry about driving with a guy that makes them pull over every time he wants to prove he can eat all 31 flavors.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He could have just not teamed with Kilroy anymore if he felt that way, but instead he cost his the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy was more than OK, with Tux no longer having the Hardkore World tag team championship, and so Tux made sure they were even.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp but the audience just jeers him. He gives them a patronizing bow and then slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of hate from his former fans
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask. Tux removes the tailcoat and mask after he enters the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy offered Tux a chance to back out of this, he doesn’t want to fight his former friend, but Tux was as flippant about that as he is about everything else.
Phillip Blauer: That’s because Kilroy’s terrified.
Tux removes the tailcoat and mask
Greg Jin: “The following is a Mir Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Ri Eun-Ae!
Ri Eun-Ae gets a polite reaction she seems slightly embarrassed by
Greg Jin: “From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of the Pro Wrestling Observer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd boos thunderously
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and the Palm Springs crowd leaps to their feet! Kilroy walks through the curtain with a stern look on his face. A fan holds out his old action figure and Kilroy only faintly nods at it while walking to the ring with a purpose
Phillip Blauer:What’s his problem? Did catering run out of corn dogs again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, but that’s not it. Kilroy was deeply hurt by Tux’s betrayal. He’s tried repeatedly to get Tux to pick up, but has gotten no answer. He doesn’t want this match to happen, he doesn’t want to hurt one of his best friends. If he can do anything to prevent this, he’ll do it.
Yolanda Ando: From the fashion perspective, I concur. No fun shirt tonight, just a regular Hardkore World shirt he probably got from Jimmy Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer:Egads, but Jimmy charges the boys full retail!
Yolanda Ando: That’s right, Phil. He’s also wearing jeans and sneakers to complete the ensemble.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As you can tell by the look on his face, Kilroy takes no pleasure in what he has to do tonight. But like he said, this is personal. He is going to put his ex-friend through some tables.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The fans cheer loudly but Kilroy doesn’t even react just stares at Tuxedo Mask, who slightly gulps
Mir Match
Kilroy Evans vs. Tuxedo Mask
Richie Richardson goes to signal for the bell, but Kilroy catches his arm. The audiences “Ooooh”s
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like Kilroy wants to give Tux one last chance to stop this.
Phillip Blauer: Why is Richie listening to him? Why is anyone listening to him??
Kilroy Evans: “Is there anything you wanna say before we start?”
Phillip Blauer: I’ve never seen him Kilroy so scared since they canceled Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.
Tuxedo Mask blinks and scoffs initially but Ri Eun-Ae starts to counsel him. Even as the audience’s boos grew louder, Tux starts to mull it over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask looking like Ri Eun-Ae’s position has given him pause.
The Palm Springs fans start to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” as a conflicted Tuxedo Mask’s confident facade begins to crack
Phillip Blauer: Don’t tell me I was wr-...I was wro-...I was wro-...I misjudged this guy again. This is Phil Spector all over again.
The Acrisure Arena continues to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” as Tuxedo Mask motions for the microphone from Kilroy Evans
Tuxedo Mask: “As you know, I can be a bit of a hot head..”
Ri Eun-Ae nods and the fans laugh
Tuxedo Mask: “You’re right. I should have just talked to you. I was just so angry about losing the Hardkore World Tag Team titles that I guess I wanted to blame you.”
Ri Eun-Ae claps and gets the crowd to applaud with her. Tuxedo Mask nods, appreciating the fans forgiveness
Tuxedo Mask: “I kind of feel bad I made Donnie and his carnies set up all these tables. But is it ok if we just cancel this crazy thing?”
Kilroy Evans: *nods* Alright.
The Palm Springs fans roar as Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask hug in the center of the ring! Ri Eun-Ae jubilantly raises her arms
Phillip Blauer: You mean we did this all for nothing??
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Society of the New Breed is back together again and…
Tuxedo Mask does a split and punches Kilroy Evans in the balls!! The air goes out of The Acrisure Arena for a full 5 seconds
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? Why would he…? Tuxedo Mask just wounded the man he just embraced as a friend!
Ri Eun-Ae covers her mouth and exits the ring. Richie Richardson vacantly nods and signals for Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask swings around with a roundhouse enzuigiri!
Tuxedo Mask hits another split, and then bounces; showing off his flexibility and mocking Kilroy and the audience as the jeers are deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled twice at Palm Springs Punishment. In 2005, Kilroy and Andrew Karnage successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a fire match. In 2009, Kilroy Evans competed in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title tournament where he defeated The Shootfighter and Tux beat Poke the Clown in the first round. Then Kilroy defeated Tuxedo Mask in the second, but lost to Matthew X in the semi-finals. He twists Kilroy Evans’ arm.
Tuxedo Mask gives Kilroy Evans’ arm another twist. The fans boo as Tux shakes his hair away from his face. He runs up the turnbuckles and then begins tightrope walking as the heckling gets louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask now walking along the top rope, showing incredible balance. He leaps over Kilroy’s shoulder into a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the hair, and hauls off and punches him. Kilroy just glares at him and Tux cautions Evans to stay calm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That flips a switch in Kilroy and he runs at Tuxedo Mask, hammering him with a flurry of right hands!
The crowd erupts as Tux flops into the corner from the power of those punches. Kilroy gives him no space, and pops him in the kidneys and jaw with punch after punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy smashes Tuxedo Mask in the face with a headbutt. He grabs him by the hair, and cracks him with a second headbutt. He begins choking Tuxedo Mask!
The Palm Springs fans pop as Tux’s eyes bug out and his face turns red from lack of oxygen.
Tuxedo Mask: (struggling to breathe) “Richie…please…I bought you…beer.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson tries to peel Kilroy Evans off of Tux, but he’s not budging. Kilroy now choking Tux on the ropes!
Kilroy pushing down on the back of Tux’s head, crushing his windpipe against the rope. Richie Richardson does his best, which is almost nothing, to get him off of Tuxedo Mask
Phillip Blauer: Someone get that crazed hick out of there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans finally releases him and irish whips him into the ropes catching him with a roundhouse kick!
Tuxedo Mask charges in but Kilroy drop toeholds him throat first into the second rope. Kilroy runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy jumps on Tux’s back, jamming his throat into the second rope!
Kilroy Evans pulls Tuxedo Mask up into a headlock, then running bulldogs his face into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans jerks Tux up to his feet in a full nelson, and then full nelson suplexes him, no bridge, all impact!
Tux folds up like a lawn chair, and then lands on his stomach. Kilroy Evans lifts him up in a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans drops Tux on his head with a brainbuster!
Kilroy gets on top of Tuxedo Mask and hammers him repeatedly with right hands as the crowd roots him on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up to his feet and slugs him. He hangs onto him and goes for another big right, but Tuxedo Mask ducks and atomic drops Kilroy’s groin on the top rope!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as Tuxedo Mask tries to recover. The fans chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Total desperation move there. Tuxedo Mask bounces into the ropes and koppo kicks Kilroy over the ropes to the tables, but it doesn’t break!
The Palm Springs fans “OH!” Kilroy Evans awkwardly stands up on the table next to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now standing on that floor of tables outside the ring in a Mir Match!
Phillip Blauer: I was wondering what in Sam Hill this match was about. What’s a Mir?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was the Russian space station that was falling apart when this match was named. It was very funny at the time.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll have to take your word for it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself over the ropes and DDTs Kilroy Evans through the table on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly. Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lie in the first of many broken tables of the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask gets to his feet and rolls Kilroy back into the ring. He sets his throat on the second rope as Kilroy did to him earlier. Tux runs into the ropes and jumps through the other side, swinging around into a 619 kick!
Evans staggers backwards, holding his face and Tuxedo Mask steps back through the ropes into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux handsprings into a spear that cuts Kilroy in half!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and grabs a table. He slides the table into the ring and then rolls into the ring as well. Tux leans the table against the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask irish whips Kilroy into the corner with the table, and Evans crashes into it! Tux runs in after him, but Kilroy bounces off the table and catches Tux with a belly to belly suplex through the table!!
The fans leap to their feet, chanting “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as Tux lies upside down in a broken table in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy stomps Tux’s face over and over! He scoops Tuxedo Mask up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Tuxedo Mask clutches his shoulder, rolling over onto his side. Kilroy Evans lifts him up into ties their legs up into a russian leg sweep position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pitches forward into a reverse russian leg sweep!
Kilroy Evans grinds Tuxedo Mask’s face into the canvas as the fans cheer. Kilroy lifts him to his feet and scoops him up but Tux floats over into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask reverse suplexes Kilroy’s midsection on the ropes, hanging him. Tux runs into the ropes and handsprings into a huracanrana on the perched Kilroy, putting him through the table onto the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo and start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lie in the broken table at ringside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Ri Eun-Ae sitting at ringside, looking conflicted
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans about to have splinters in places he didn’t know he had places.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask rolls Kilroy back into the ring and follows him in. He lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, and then drops Evans’ throat on the top rope!
Kilroy Evans covers his throat, trying to draw a breath while the crowd boos Tuxedo Mask. Tux pulls Kilroy up in a ¾ nelson facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a shiranui seated DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the hair, and slugs him with a right hand. He continues to hold the top of his hair, and pops Evans with another right cross. He swings with a wild left, but Kilroy ducks it and hits a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring onto the bridged tables, trying to recover
Guillermo O’Bannon: It hasn’t been all been victories here in the Desert. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Rated X defeated Kilroy Evans for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship in a barbed wire match.
Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Tux up into a full nelson on those tables at ringside. He lurches forward into a skull crushing finale onto the table!!
The Palm Springs crowd lets out a “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: Ugh! Tux’s head somehow didn’t break it!
Kilroy stands back up and pulls Tuxedo Mask’s head into his legs while standing on a different table. A smile creeps across Kilroy’s his face
Phillip Blauer: What is that shitkicker smiling about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Kilroy doesn't seem as upset at the table breaking, but pleased that he gets to keep trying. He piledrives Tuxedo Mask through the table!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with a deafening pop! Kilroy grimaces against the broken table, while Tuxedo Mask is motionless
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up and irish whips him into the railing!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain as he hits the steel. Kilroy Evans runs and spears Tux into the guardrail! Tuxedo Mask crumbles against the security rail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Killry pulls him back up into a butterfly position and then drops down into a double underhook facebreaker!
Phillip Blauer: It’s clear that he wants to destroy the immaculate face of Tuxedo Mask. For months, he saw the show poster, and saw that Tuxedo Mask’s chiseled face made his own homely presentation look freakish in comparison. In fact, Tux had to talk several local municipalities out of holding Kilroy for experimentation…
Kilroy goes straight to Blauer, yanks him up by a big handful of his shirt and tie, and angrily looks him in the eye
Kilroy Evans: This ain't the night, Phillip!
Kilroy then lets go of him and then pulls up one of the tables and leans it against the railing
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, did you see that? (tries to regain his composure) I’m shaking. Did you see that violation of my free speech?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I did. Someone finally heard what you say about them.
Phillip Blauer: I had no idea that could happen!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans irish whips him but Tuxedo Mask reverses it and shoots Evans into the table leaned against the guardrail!
Tuxedo Mask slides one of the tables into the ring and then rolls in himself. Tux leans the table against the turnbuckles in the corner, and then backs up into the diagonal corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask gets a running start and runs up the table into a shooting star press onto Kilroy Evans, breaking the table!!
The audience boos as Tux rolls around the ringside mat in pain, while Kilroy Evans leans against the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two know that they have to pull out all the stops, as both of them can end this match in a minute!
Tuxedo Mask finally gets to his feet and rolls back into the ring. He waits for Kilroy Evans to get back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux runs into the ropes and then baseball slides under the bottom rope into a helicopter huracanrana on Kilroy Evans onto the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans boo as Kilroy and Tux lie against the guardrail. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Ri Eun-Ae in the crowd biting her lip
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae friends with both of these men. She can’t believe that they’re at each other’s throats.
The crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask rolls Kilroy Evans back into the ring near the corner. He climbs onto the apron and steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops onto the second turnbuckle and then ricochets into a split legged moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls Kilroy up by the corner in a front facelock. He stands up onto the second turnbuckle. Tux jumps off into a tornado DDT but Kilroy Evans reverses it into a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Kilroy Evans steps over Tuxedo Mask’s head and applies a stump puller. He leans back with Tux’s heels in his hands, bending him in half. Richie Richardson asks him if he wants to give up, but Tuxedo Mask refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans plants his feet and pulls back on Tuxedo Mask’s legs in the stump puller!
Kilroy Evas pulls Tuxedo Mask up to his feet in a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans twists Tux into a swinging neckbreaker!
Tuxedo Mask sits up, holding the back of his neck. Kilroy Evans pulls Tux up to his feet, and then irish whips him, but Tux dives through Richie Richardson’s legs. Kilroy nearly runs into Richie Richardson and they both back off
Phillip Blauer: Get out of the way, Richie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard moonsaults both Kilroy Evans and Richie Richardson!!
The crowd boos as all three men lay out in the middle of the ring. Tuxedo Mask finally gets to his feet and lifts Kilroy onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask drops Kilroy’s throat on the top rope with a TKO hotshot!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Tuxedo Mask steps onto the second rope, hops up and hits his legs on the top rope into a split legged moonsault but Kilroy puts his knees up!! The fans erupt in cheers as Tux clutches his ribs and rolls to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans throws Tux through the ropes out onto the bridged tables. He goes out there with them and lifts him into a butterfly position, then double underhook DDTs him through the tables!!
The Palm Springs audience roars as Kilroy seemingly is not done, and rolls Tux back up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now up onto the apron and pulls Tux back up into a full nelson, and then does a skull crushing finale through another table!!
The audience chants “KIL-ROY! KIL-ROY! KIL-ROY!” as they lay out face down on the broken tables
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are used to Kilroy creating memorable moments here at Palm Springs Punishment. In 2008, he beat Disney’s Marty Donovan in what many consider the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: They said it couldn’t be done.
A hurt but determined Kilroy slowly rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring and then follows behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans about to make the cover but…no, he pulls him up to his feet! Kilroy seems to want to break every table in this building with Tux’s body because he doesn’t think he deserved what happened to him. He irish whips Tux into the ropes and belly to belly suplexes him over the ropes through the tables below!!
The Acrisure Arena is on their feet applauding as Kilroy stares down at Tux lying on the broken table
Phillip Blauer: Can he hear me?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy? No, I don’t think so.
Phillip Blauer: Good, because he does deserve this. He tried to glom on to the younger Tux…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux has to be in his early 40s…
Phillip Blauer: …and Tux finally said enough is enough.
Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring and pulls Tux up by the mask and rolls him back into the ring. He pulls a fire extinguisher from underneath the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now in the ring with that fire extinguisher!
Phillip Blauer: And I don’t think he’s gonna use it in the funny hi jinx way. I think he’s going to cave in Tux’s skull!
A groggy Tuxedo Mask gets to his knees and Kilroy Evans screams and lifts the fire extinguisher over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Ri Eun-Ae! She’s in between them!
Ri Eun-Ae crouches over a helpless Tux, begging Kilroy not to hurt him. Kilroy pauses and tells her to get out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae refusing to let Kilroy do this. He’s gotten carried away and his friend of twenty years knows that look in his eyes.
Kilroy Evans looks at the fire extinguisher and thinks for a few moments. She tries to talk some sense into him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now sheepishly putting it down. Tux sees his opportunity and gets to his feet but Ri Eun-Ae holds him back as well.
Both Tux and Kilroy struggle to get at one another as Ri Eun-Ae pushes them away from each other. Ri Eun-Ae starts to get tussled in the fracas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae starting to get pulled into this and she instinctively drops down and gives both men a low blow!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!” as Tux and Kilroy both cross their legs and fall down like redwoods. An embarrassed Ri Eun-Ae slightly apologizes and excuses herself out of the ring
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that a fine how-do-ya-do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know what that is but both men are down!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Referee Richie Richardson checks both men for life, and then begins the double count
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Tuxedo Mask rolls to his side while Kilroy is still sprawled out
Five!
Six!
Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up to the ropes, while Kilroy Evans rolls onto his hands and knees
Seven!
Eight!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask is up! He staggers over to Kilroy, but Kilroy slugs him with a right hand! He starts biting Tux!
Tuxedo Mask screams in pain, desperately looking for escape. He finally slips away and gets underneath Evans with a saito suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle, as Kilroy staggers to his feet. Evans tries to stop Tux, but from all the punishment and tables, Kilroy just collapses into the ropes…crotching Tuxedo Mask!
The fans erupt and Tuxedo Mask is trapped on the top turnbuckle steel cable hook on his already aching groin. Kilroy notices his predicament and steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans climbs to the top turnbuckle, and grabs Tux in a front waistlock for a belly to belly superplex through the tables…but Tux brings his knee up into Evans’ balls!
The Acrisure Arena rains boos as Tuxedo Mask headbutts Kilroy, and then double underhooks his arms. He flips into a sunset tigerbomb off the top rope through the tables
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz through the tables!!
Tuxedo Mask desperately tries to roll Kilroy Evans into the ring, and finally succeeds. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask flips off the top with a corkscrew 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Phillip Blauer: I love it!
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Tuxedo Mask rolls over with one hand raised in the air. Ri Eun-Ae enters the ring and looks down at Kilroy Evans, sprawled out on the mat
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 38 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with one of the biggest victories of his career, a big win over two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and his former friend Kilroy Evans.
Phillip Blauer: Finally out of the enormous shadow of Kilroy, which can take some doing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hope it was worth it, turning his back on the guy who protected him over and over from attacks by The Anointed. Turning his back on the people who have cheered him since he started here in Hardkore World nearly twenty years ago.
Ri Eun-Ae helps Tuxedo Mask, who has a slight grin
Phillip Blauer: Look at that smile on his face, I think you can see that just made his 2023.
Kilroy slowly rolls out of the ring to the ringside area. Tuxedo Mask climbs up on the second turnbuckle and soaks in the jeering and heckling from the Palm Springs crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a career highlight here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 but Kilroy Evans looks like he wishes this all could have been avoided and wishes they could put this all behind them.
Kilroy Evans walks to the back as fans pat his arms and shoulders as he walks by. Tuxedo Mask backflips off the second rope and lands in an impressive crouch. He’s now feeding off of the virtrial of the Acrisure Arena
Phillip Blauer: These people never knew what they had with Tuxedo Mask, but now that he doesn’t have a bunch of hangers on like The Cupcake Crew, The Society of the New Breed and Kilroy, he doesn’t have to run anything by anyone anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we have so much more to come with our two championship matches. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match is up next!
Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling
Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling!
That’s right at the Palm Springs VFW this weekend we’ve got, great PSOW action including:
For the PSOW Championship
WWE’s own Hurricane vs. Dutch Boy
Suikerbossie vs. Dana “The Drone” Daniels
The Martian vs. Randy Candy
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse vs. Scorpion
General Admission is $3! Front row is $1 because you will be sprayed with fluorescent light bulb glass and you will be assaulted during most moves on the outside
Stay after the event where we will be having autograph signings, and you could win the chance to drive a PSOW Superstar home!
Doors open when the promoter’s security deposit clears!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next fans is our Hardkore World Tag Team Championship match between Wesley Crane and Dan Stein, The Anointed vs. Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts. Donzig in Wrestle UK has ordered Gavin Drake to take those titles and Gavin has been asking to get revenge on Stein for eliminating him and Onyx Breakker in their match in San Francisco back in February, and Kalmin Watts is looking to get his first gold here in Hardkore World!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma marching band plays and the fans cheer. Anthony Jordan and a robe draped Emily Black step through the curtain with their clients, the shadowy figure Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts with his arms raised
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here they are, Watts and Drake!
Gavin Drake nods to himself, staring at the Palm Springs crowd before he throws a fist in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake is not a fan of tag team matches.
Phillip Blauer: Kind of like an English Bad News Brown. ‘Bit a Trouble Brown.
Gavin Drake starts down the ramp, rolling inside the ring. Emily Black follows behind him. Kalmin Watts interacts and slaps hands with fans as Jordan stays in his ear giving him advice
Guillermo O’Bannon: But The Scourge wants the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, and Drake is at heart a loyal soldier for Donzig.
Phillip Blauer: Wait, what? What’s The Scourge? Why would they want to take The Anointed’s iron grip on Hardkore gold. What happened to honor amongst heels?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Kalmin Watts has been hard at work training with Scorpion, right here at Acrisure Arena for this match. He’s been dying to get Wesley Crane in the ring and take him down a few pegs.
Phillip Blauer: Wes is fine on the peg he’s on.
Once he gets to ringside, Watts walks up the stairs, wipes his boots on the apron, and enters the ring. He walks to his corner and focuses on his match ahead as Jordan climbs up onto the apron to build upon his earlier advice. Emily Black steps under the ropes to enter the ring as Gavin Drake leans across the ropes screaming at the audience before he turns away
Yolanda Ando: Gavin Drake wears a kilt with black trunks, and black boots. Kalmin Watts wears a classic singlet, but it is Oklahoma crimson with Oklahoma cream trim.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Gavin Drake and Kalmin Watts have teamed before in LA, but they will be taking on the more experienced team of Wesley Crane and Dan Stein, but if anyone can make it work, it is these two powerhouses.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Emily Black; From Carlisle, Cumbria; Standing 6 feet 3 inches; Weighing 253 pounds, The Son of the Conqueror…GAVIN DRAKE!!! His partner is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; From Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds, Former Wrestle UK British Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The fans give them a huge ovation as they both raise their arms
The Acrisure Arena darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again. “I’m So Paid” by Akon plays over the PA as “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein step out on to the apron, covered in gold. Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone while Stein still has a scowl on his face. Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Phillip Blauer: Look at all that gold! I gotta get some shades of my own. Gordon, give me those sunglasses you wear in production meetings so no one knows when you’ve passed out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) Here. But it’s true, look at that shimmering from the Wrestle UK World Heavyweight Championship, Hardkore West Coast Championship, and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Crane and Stein slowly make their way down to the ring with Wesley looking around at the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane’s ribs are a little worse for wear after his Elimination Chamber match in Belfast, Northern Ireland for Wrestle: UK but he didn’t seem very worried about it. With some questionable wins over Kalmin Watts over in England and Ireland, he walks into this match with some confidence.
Phillip Blauer: Wes doesn’t worry about nothing. He’s still counting his money from betting LSU to win the women’s tournament and then bet the parlay that John Cena’s gimmick would get stolen. What are the odds??
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots, and his elbow taped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Once they’re ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring with Dan Stein.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has had an impressive career here in Palm Springs Punishment. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he went nearly an hour but won a barbed wire battle royal to advance to the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Phillip Blauer: Seems drastic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Stein and Lucifer Jones lost the Hardkore World Tag Team titles as LSD to Andrew Karnage and Adrian Tanner Jr., as The Un-Stable. But at Palm Springs Punishment 2007, it was a MIR Match between all the Hardkore region champions and the Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Dan Stein defeated Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion the late Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers.
Phillip Blauer: Nasty Ned still owes me for trans to San Diego one night. Is he on Facebook you think?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan says he is looking forward to stepping into the ring with Kalmin Watts, a youngster he sees a little of himself in. He wants to show him all about Dad Strength.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from The D, Detroit, Michigan; He Stands 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The Danimal, Dan The Man…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds, The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion and HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…’THE HIGH ROLLER’ WESLEY CRANE!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Wesley Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open while Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match
The Anointed ("The High Roller" Wesley Crane and "The Punisher" Dan Stein)
vs.
Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake
Kalmin Watts and Wesley Crane elect to start out as Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two are quite familiar with one another from across the pond. Crane and Watts lock up jockey for position. Kalmin Watts grabs a headlock.
Wesley Crane backs up and then pushes Kalmin Watts into the ropes. Watts comes back with a shoulder block that knocks him to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane gets right back up, but Watts is ready for him with a double leg takedown. Watts tries to turn him over into a boston crab, but Crane uses his legs to twist Kalmin to the mat.
Crane rolls out of the ring to the floor, and the fans applaud Kalmin Watts. Kelly O’Connell holds Kalmin back, while Dan Stein counsels his partner at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Big Brain Crane wisely getting out of the ring before things escalated.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane back in the ring and again they lock up, and again Kalmin gets the advantage with a side headlock. Crane tries to push him off, but Watts hangs on to the headlock.
Crane tries to scratch Watts' eyes, while the Sooner grinds that headlock. Wesley is successful on his second attempt of shoving Watts off into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane drops down, and Watts crosses over him to the other side of the ropes. Crane back up and hip tosses Watts on his way back, but Kalmin blocks it. Watts counters with a hip throw of his own!
Crane sits up in pain, as the fans cheer Kalmin Watts’ strength. Watts tags in Gavin Drake.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake drops Wesley Crane with a side suplex.
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Drake irish whips Crane into the corner and follows him in a few steps behind with an avalanche!
Gavin Drake bends Crane’s arm behind his head in the corner and then hits him in the chest with a heart punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls him up for a suplex, but Wesley Crane blocks it. Crane counters with a suplex of his own and then drops him on his head with a brainbuster!
The fans boo as Wesley Crane stomps head and back, and then tags in “The Punisher” Dan Stein
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into an abdominal stretch! He plants that foot and leans that tall frame back, stretching Drake backwards.
Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Drake wants to quit but he shakes his head. Stein reaches back and grabs Wesley Crane’s outstretched hand, using it for illegal leverage. The Palm Springs fans boo
Phillip Blauer: It’s like the motivational poster I have on my vision board. “Team Work, Makes The Dream Work.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, but come on, this is blatant cheating!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do anything that rhymes. I Stay Alive By Driving 55. I Click It So I Don’t Ticket. And I always remind the ladies that it’s not the size of one’s boat but the motion of one’s ocean.
Kelly O’Connell hears the boos and Emily Black’s complaints and tries to look behind Dan Stein, but by then he’s let go of Crane’s hand. Dan Stein cinches in the abdominal stretch, so O’Connell returns to the front to ask Gavin if he wants to submit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein once again grabbing Wesley Crane’s hand, using it for leverage to make the abdominal stretch that much more painful. Kelly O’Connell can’t see it!
Kalmin Watts can’t take it any longer and goes in to the ring to alert Kelly O’Connell to the infraction. Dan Stein lets go of Crane’s hand to avoid getting caught
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake plants his foot and is able to escape the abdominal stretch with a hip toss! Dan Stein gets to his feet, but Gavin Drake catches him with a nice dropkick!
The Palm Springs fans pop! Gavin Drake motions for Dan Stein to stand up. He points at Stein, muttering some threats
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein takes a swing at him but Gavin Drake ducks and chicken wing suplexes him!
Dan Stein clutches his elbow and retreats to his corner and tagging in Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane runs into the ring but Gavin Drake catches him with a uranage! He hooks Crane’s leg and applies an STF!
The Palm Springs fans roar as Wesley Crane’s face turns red from lack of oxygen. Gavin Drake peels back on his head while Kelly O’Connell asks Crane if he wants to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane reaching out for the ropes but Gavin Drake has him smack dab in the middle of the ring with that STF. Dan Stein enters the ring and stomps the back of Drake’s head to break it up.
The cheers turn to jeers. Kelly O’Connell admonishes Dan Stein and forces him out of the ring as Gavin Drake pulls Crane up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane sits out into a jawbreaker that shoots the top of his head under Drake’s jaw. He crawls over and tags Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Look at those quick tags, like a well oiled machine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Gavin Drake up into a suplex and then jumps as he lands it!
Gavin Drake sits up in pain, Dan Stein picks him up and then military presses Drake over his head! The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Look at the effortless power of Dan The Man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein finally drops Drake onto his face from nearly seven feet in the air!
Drake covers his face, and kicks his toes into the mat. Dan Stein picks him up and grabs him into a bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein crushing Gavin Drake with that vice like bear hug. He locks his hands together on the small of Drake’s back, not allowing Gavin to get any new air.
Anthony Jordan yells encouragement from ringside while Kalmin Watts reaches out for the tag from ringside. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Drake shakes his head. Emily Black starts pounding on the apron, and the crowd joins in, trying to will Gavin Drake out of the bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein continuing to constrict Gavin Drake’s breathing with those powerful arms of his. Gavin Drake now punching Dan Stein over his eyebrow, over and over until Stein releases the bearhug! He bends Stein’s arm behind him and rolls him into a hammerlock belly to belly suplex!
The Acrisure Arena pops as Stein rolls around the mat, holding his elbow. Gavin Drake tags in Kalmin Watts and the fans “OH!” at the dream match of Watts and Stein being in the same ring. Stein sees Watts and gets to his feet, trying to shake some feeling into his arm
Phillip Blauer: Like Godzilla vs. King Kong!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein and Kalmin Watts now standing in the ring chest to chest!
Watts and Stein talk to one another, not giving one another an inch. Finally Kalmin Watts takes the first shot, punching him in the jaw. Dan Stein returns fire
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts and Dan Stein exchanging stiff punches in the middle of the ring!
The fans are on their feet as Watts and Stein try and break the other with right hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts getting the better of Dan Stein and then scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker. He grabs Dan Stein’s aching arm with an armbar.
Kalmin Watts sticks his knee into the ball of Stein’s shoulder, clamping down on his elbow and wrist. Stein shakes his head as O’Connell checks in, as Watts leans back on the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein works his way to his feet with Kalmin Watts hanging on to the armbar. He tries to hip toss his way out of it, but Kalmin hangs on for dear life and winds up taking The Punisher over back into the armbar.
The audience applauds, as Stein grimaces in frustration. Kalmin Watts pulls Stein back to his feet and twists his arm. Watts tags in Gavin Drake who climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake comes down with an elbow to Stein’s twisted arm!
Dan Stein clutches his arm and drops to his knee, trying to get back to his corner but Drake stops him and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Drake takes Dan Stein out with a lariat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake kicks “The Punisher” Dan Stein in the stomach, and then drills his head into the mat with a DDT!
Drake irish whips him, but Dan Stein reverses it and shoots Gavin into the corner. He rams a few shoulder blocks into Drake’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now laying in some kicks and stomps until Drake is down against the bottom turnbuckle. He grabs the ropes for leverage and starts choking Gavin with his boot!
The audience boos while Kelly O’Connell tries to get Dan Stein to break the choke. He obliges, but then goes right back to stepping on Drake’s neck
Phillip Blauer: Dan knows exactly how long 5 seconds is. I’m envious.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls him out of the corner and irish whips him into the ropes. Gavin Drake ducks under a clothesline and hits the opposite ropes, then takes Stein out of his boots with a spear!
The crowd comes to life as both men lie on the mat, trying to catch their breath. Stein rolls to his side, holding his arm, and crawls towards the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein makes the tag to Wesley Crane who enters the ring to stop Gavin Drake from tagging out, but he’s too late! Kalmin Watts hits the ring and tells Crane to hit him with his best shot! He ducks a right hand, dropping Crane with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Crane up and drops him on his knee in a backbreaker on those injured ribs. He lifts him up into a suplex and then just leaves him up there!
The fans let out a huge cheer as Wesley Crane shakes his head, demanding to be put down. Watts finally obliges and drops him down into a textbook suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips him into the ropes and goes for a spinebuster, but Wesley Crane reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The air goes out of Acrisure Arena and Crane continues to hold his ribs. He pulls Watts up and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane charges into the corner with a knee to Watts stomach!
Watts tags in Dan Stein, and then fireman’s carries Watts up onto his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein climbs to the second turnbuckle and applies a guillotine choke!! He’s using all 285 pounds to put pressure on Watts’ neck and throat!
The fans boo as Kelly O’Connell demands Stein breaks it. When he ignores her, she begins to give him the five count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein finally breaks the guillotine and pulls Watts roughly down to the mat. He irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a discus clothesline!
Dan Stein pulls him up into a front facelock and then rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up by the hair and attempts a chokeslam, but his arm gives out!
Kalmin Watts scoops him up and drops him into a gutbuster. He lifts him back up into a ribbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts him up a third time for a running powerslam, but Stein slips off his shoulder behind him, and gives him a cut throat neckbreaker!
The Palm Springs audience boos. Dan Stein tags in Wesley Crane who gets a running start and hits Watts with a double knee to the the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane waiting for Kalmin Watts to get to his feet. He gets a running start and rocks Watts with a european uppercut!
The jeers get louder as Wesley Crane holds his arms open and poses over Kalmin Watts
Phillip Blauer: A pose like that is lost on these cretins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane butterflies Watts arms, and double underhook DDTs him! Crane climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a flying elbow but Kalmin Watts rolls out of the way!!
The crowd erupts with cheers! Crane rolls around, holding his arm while kicking his heels in the mat in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts rolls over to the corner and tags in Gavin Drake!
The cheers are loud as Drake atomic drops Wesley Crane on the top turnbuckle and pulls him back into a tree of woe
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake gets a running start and basement dropkicks the upside down Wesley Crane!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the sight of Crane’s head rocking backwards. Crane crumples in a heap in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Drake shoots Wesley Crane into the ropes and catches him with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls Crane up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes again, hitting him with a claymore that knocks The High Roller out of the ring!!
The audience is on their feet as Gavin Drake steps through the ropes to follow him out to the floor. He pulls Crane up and irish whips him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches Wesley Crane with a spinebuster into the guardrail!!
The fans shout “OH!” again at the sound of Wesley Crane hitting the steel. Wesley Crane slowly slides down the railing. Dan Stein goes to interfere but Anthony Jordan grabs him by the shoulder. The Punisher whips around and glares at the ex-wrestler
Phillip Blauer: Does Tony think this is a Wrestle-Con?! Don’t touch the actual wrestlers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein had better leave Anthony Jordan alone and concentrate on Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake.
Dan Stein turns around and goes over to the timekeeper’s table. He grabs the ring bell, but it stays put. Hardkore Timekeeper and host of The Fast Food Report Carl Valentine Jr. does the no-no finger wag. Stein goes to pull it again and sees that it’s fastened to the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. went the extra mile for this match and took away one of Dan Stein’s favorite weapons!
Phillip Blauer: What is Carl’s deal? Isn’t there a sourdough burger to review??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake grabs Dan Stein from behind with a rear waistlock and release german suplexes him on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans cheer! Dan Stein holds his elbow, and rolls onto his stomach. Gavin Drake rolls Wesley Crane into the ring and follows him inside while Emily Black applauds on the outside
Phillip Blauer: If it wasn’t for Gavin Drake, Stein would have found something to cave Tony’s head in, believe that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake drops him with a neckbreaker!
Wesley Crane sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Gavin Drake tags in Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and runs into the center of the ring with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips Wesley Crane into the ropes and hits him in the chest with the Oklahoma Hammer!!
The audience leaps to their feet! Crane holds his chest, and weakly waves off as Kalmin Watts walks around the ring, hyping the crowd up. He wraps his legs around Wesley Crane’s ribs with and then lays on his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! Kalmin Watts clamps down on Wesley Crane’s kidneys with that body scissors!
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no!
The crowd is deafening as Wesley Crane screams in pain. Anthony Jordan is screaming for Crane to tap while Emily Black is yelling encouragement from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein comes in and stomps the back of Kalmin Watts’ head to break up The Sooner Squeeze!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh thank God!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Dan Stein pulls Kalmin Watts and hits him with a headbutt. He hits him with a second headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake grabs Dan Stein from behind around the neck, and hammerlocks his arm. Drake drops Stein on his arm with a crossface chicken wing suplex!!
Dan Stein rolls out of the ring, holding his arm close to his chest. Kalmin Watts pulls Wesley Crane’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts piledrives Wesley Crane!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts tags in Gavin Drake, who grabs him in a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gavin Drake pulls Wesley Crane up and head and arm suplexes him across the ring!
Gavin Drake signals to the fans and they pop loudly! He pulls Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a powerbomb but Crane rolls out into an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane reversed the Second Impact with the HRKO!!
The Acrisure Arena boos and Wesley Crane tags in Dan Stein. Dan Stein lifts Gavin Drake by the throat in a double chokelift, while Wesley Crane climbed to the top turnbuckle. Crane comes off the top rope with a v-trigger knee while Dan Stein drops the sitout chokeslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anoitation!! Kalmin Watts runs into the ring but catches a superkick by Wesley Crane!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays as Dan Stein rolls over, holding his elbow.
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have done it! Look at Dan Stein, who clearly gutted through an injury to his arm tonight. The last of a dying breed! Dad Strength! Wesley Crane playing possum until it was time to bring out the HRKO!
Wesley Crane raises his three championship belts on the second turnbuckle while Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Dan Stein’s elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Dan Stein have successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2023!
Crane checks on his partner, and hands him his Hardkore World Tag Team title belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein seems to have some difficulty with his elbow after that match as Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tries to see how far he can extend it. The Anointed have a chance to do a full sweep here tonight as Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on the line against Tap Out CEO Cross Recoba!
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO - NOVEMBER 2022
Cross Recoba: Your champion is Marty Donovan, the man who buffs the alloys for Lightning McQueen. What has he ever done when he hasn’t had to rely on an environment that revels in ultra-violence, that would rather see a stapler than a suplex, thumb tacks over a Tombstone piledriver and a flaming table instead of a figure-four leglock…
Crowd: HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Cross Recoba: And you know why that is? It’s because people like Donovan, like Evans, and like Syberus all prefer a dumb audience! If you want proof that people are largely idiots, I put on a show with three wrestlers who’ve held the X*Crown and got a thousand people yet here tonight? Seven times that figure. You could be watching Jack Diamond or Jason Long but instead what do you choose? You’d pick a twinkie over a fillet steak!
Cross Recoba: Your champion is Marty Donovan, the man who buffs the alloys for Lightning McQueen. What has he ever done when he hasn’t had to rely on an environment that revels in ultra-violence, that would rather see a stapler than a suplex, thumb tacks over a Tombstone piledriver and a flaming table instead of a figure-four leglock…
Crowd: HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HE’S A PUSSY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Cross Recoba: And you know why that is? It’s because people like Donovan, like Evans, and like Syberus all prefer a dumb audience! If you want proof that people are largely idiots, I put on a show with three wrestlers who’ve held the X*Crown and got a thousand people yet here tonight? Seven times that figure. You could be watching Jack Diamond or Jason Long but instead what do you choose? You’d pick a twinkie over a fillet steak!
Marty Donovan (VO): Time to welcome the new guy. Cross Recoba, I became your biggest fan this week. You did the right thing by ejecting Zoran and his snot-nosed kid from
the TAPOUT audience. That Serbian stabber has no place in our great sport. I think you can make a huge splash here in the West Coast title picture. How fitting would it be for a Las Vegas casino king to win that belt? As long as you work hard and stay in your midcarder lane then you’ll be fine.
A mother cosplaying Dakota Jennings walks by with a toddler dressed as Cross Recoba, complete with an inflatable lion cane. Marty shakes his head at this failed parenting.
Marty Donovan (VO): Look, I like Cross. He’s technically paying for my cruise with that generous “Move of the Night” bonus from Tap Out 9. By the way, I’m the only guest to ever win that. Let’s be real though. He’s a promoter that likes to play wrestler from time to time. Syberus’ weekend warrior equivalent. Recoba failed to get the W against Tuxedo fucking Mask. He is not even on my radar.
HKW PHOENIX - October 10, 2022
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane now holding a limp Syberus up by the hair on his knees, and Marty comes off the ropes with the Dis-Knee v-trigger!!
Fans are throwing debris into the ring while Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and helps Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. Kelly O’Connell runs back to the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Yes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Unbelievable! Just horrible.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane now holding a limp Syberus up by the hair on his knees, and Marty comes off the ropes with the Dis-Knee v-trigger!!
Fans are throwing debris into the ring while Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and helps Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. Kelly O’Connell runs back to the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Yes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Unbelievable! Just horrible.
TAP OUT WRESTLING 9: POENA VS COLLINS II - DECEMBER 2022
Long grabs a hold of Marty’s waist. RIPCORD LARIAT!!!
Steve Morrison: BLADE RUNNER OUT OF NOWHERE!
NO!!!! MARTY DUCKS….SUPERKICK!!!!!
Cross Recoba: Marty’s not far behind Long in being opportunistic and that was a great example right there!
Donovan returns to the top turnbuckle once more, he finds the cameraman and leans in.
Marty Donovan: Remember, kids, every Marty Funko Pop left on the shelf, Bob Iger kills a kitten!
450 SPLASH!!!
Steve Morrison: ODE TO ROMERO!
Long grabs a hold of Marty’s waist. RIPCORD LARIAT!!!
Steve Morrison: BLADE RUNNER OUT OF NOWHERE!
NO!!!! MARTY DUCKS….SUPERKICK!!!!!
Cross Recoba: Marty’s not far behind Long in being opportunistic and that was a great example right there!
Donovan returns to the top turnbuckle once more, he finds the cameraman and leans in.
Marty Donovan: Remember, kids, every Marty Funko Pop left on the shelf, Bob Iger kills a kitten!
450 SPLASH!!!
Steve Morrison: ODE TO ROMERO!
The Hardkore (Disney) World Special - FEBRUARY 2023
From the riverbank, the announcers once again find the match. They aren’t the only ones, as Sainovic’s wife and child also watch. Looking up, it's nice to have one's family there for a crowning moment... but not like this. Having Oliver’s eyes on him, Zoran once again drops the shiv – which is just the opening that Marty needs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did that bell come from?
Phillip Blauer: Where does any of it come from... this is the magic kingdom!
Greg Jin: At 47 minutes 12 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…’DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!
From the riverbank, the announcers once again find the match. They aren’t the only ones, as Sainovic’s wife and child also watch. Looking up, it's nice to have one's family there for a crowning moment... but not like this. Having Oliver’s eyes on him, Zoran once again drops the shiv – which is just the opening that Marty needs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did that bell come from?
Phillip Blauer: Where does any of it come from... this is the magic kingdom!
Greg Jin: At 47 minutes 12 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…’DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!
GUNS SHOW s4e5: HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY - MARCH 2023
Phillips: Wow! What an unexpected treat! Cross Recoba, the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, is in the house.
Magnus: I didn’t sign off on this! Is he expecting a paycheck?
A spotlight appears on the stage and we see Dana “The Drone” Daniels, an ageing jobber, in a bad Cross Recoba wig. He wears a TAP OUT shirt and, for some reason, backwards jeans. Boos rain down from the crowd as Dana enters the ring.
Phillips: Actually, that’s Dana “The Drone” Daniels. He’s a journeyman wrestler, beekeeper and student of Disney’s Marty Donovan. No doubt this is to get under Cross’ skin before Palm Springs Punishment.
Magnus: He better not have eaten any mozzarella sticks. Those are for signed talent only!
Dana grabs a microphone and looks around the crowd nervously.)
Dana Daniels: Bonjourno! I am Criss Recoba from the famous tag team known as Criss Cross. My brother wanted to be here tonight, but none of the stores have the special brand of Depends his sensitive, baby skin requires. His bum is now sore. Don’t you dare chant RASH RECOBA!
Dana pauses for the crowd to start the mean chant, but no one does.
Dana: Marty Donovan! If you’re a man then get out here and defend your Phoenix Championship against the bigger, stronger Recoba! Jump! Jump!
Phillips: This farce of a match is now underway. Dana, or should I say Criss, is applying Garibaldi's Guillotine.
Dana cranks away on the high angle liontamer as Marty does an over exaggerated yawn. He then kicks the fake Recoba in the face.
Phillips: Marty breaks the hold. He bounces off the ropes and hits a slingblade.
Magnus: This isn’t fair. Dana’s pants are on backwards.
Marty scrambles on top of Dana and applies a butterfly lock.
Phillips: Marty cranks away on the butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon!
Magnus: After the fruity beer?
Phillips: No, he dickishly named it for Manchester City. The butterfly lock used to be a signature move of his rival Syberus, who is an avid United supporter.
Dana verbally submits and the bell rings. Marty celebrates and taunts directly into the camera.
Marty Donovan: You watching, Cross? You won’t last half as long as he did!
Phillips: Wow! What an unexpected treat! Cross Recoba, the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, is in the house.
Magnus: I didn’t sign off on this! Is he expecting a paycheck?
A spotlight appears on the stage and we see Dana “The Drone” Daniels, an ageing jobber, in a bad Cross Recoba wig. He wears a TAP OUT shirt and, for some reason, backwards jeans. Boos rain down from the crowd as Dana enters the ring.
Phillips: Actually, that’s Dana “The Drone” Daniels. He’s a journeyman wrestler, beekeeper and student of Disney’s Marty Donovan. No doubt this is to get under Cross’ skin before Palm Springs Punishment.
Magnus: He better not have eaten any mozzarella sticks. Those are for signed talent only!
Dana grabs a microphone and looks around the crowd nervously.)
Dana Daniels: Bonjourno! I am Criss Recoba from the famous tag team known as Criss Cross. My brother wanted to be here tonight, but none of the stores have the special brand of Depends his sensitive, baby skin requires. His bum is now sore. Don’t you dare chant RASH RECOBA!
Dana pauses for the crowd to start the mean chant, but no one does.
Dana: Marty Donovan! If you’re a man then get out here and defend your Phoenix Championship against the bigger, stronger Recoba! Jump! Jump!
Phillips: This farce of a match is now underway. Dana, or should I say Criss, is applying Garibaldi's Guillotine.
Dana cranks away on the high angle liontamer as Marty does an over exaggerated yawn. He then kicks the fake Recoba in the face.
Phillips: Marty breaks the hold. He bounces off the ropes and hits a slingblade.
Magnus: This isn’t fair. Dana’s pants are on backwards.
Marty scrambles on top of Dana and applies a butterfly lock.
Phillips: Marty cranks away on the butterfly lock he calls Blue Moon!
Magnus: After the fruity beer?
Phillips: No, he dickishly named it for Manchester City. The butterfly lock used to be a signature move of his rival Syberus, who is an avid United supporter.
Dana verbally submits and the bell rings. Marty celebrates and taunts directly into the camera.
Marty Donovan: You watching, Cross? You won’t last half as long as he did!
Cross Recoba (VO): The other? Watts can feel like he’s part of something important when I make him tap out and go on to topple Marty Donovan as the HKW World Heavyweight Champion.
HKW LAS VEGAS - JANUARY 2023
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba goes for a suplex, but Syberus rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…(Cross Recoba rolls the cradle over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba holding on to the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba goes for a suplex, but Syberus rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…(Cross Recoba rolls the cradle over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba holding on to the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!
GUNS New Year’s Eve Special - JANUARY, 2023
The ball dropping down further, almost a manageable distance from the ladder, Cross sets it up against the post again. Then for good measure, picks up a sizeable portion of unexploded announcer’s table and repeatedly brings it down across Zoran’s back. Content that the champion is out of it, The Fox stops himself and lifts Sainovic up one more time-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Up All Night in Dakota!!!
Phillips: Sainovic was out cold, and had no way to defend – but now?
Magnus: That was a message for sure. Despite all his Morales is someone else posturing, Sainovic has talked enough crap about Dakota Jennings since End of Days 2020, that he was due. Cross putting an exclamation point on Sainovic’s loss, with a fond memory of Dakota!
Phillips: Well Zoran is down, and the ball looks physically possible now-
The ball dropping down further, almost a manageable distance from the ladder, Cross sets it up against the post again. Then for good measure, picks up a sizeable portion of unexploded announcer’s table and repeatedly brings it down across Zoran’s back. Content that the champion is out of it, The Fox stops himself and lifts Sainovic up one more time-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Up All Night in Dakota!!!
Phillips: Sainovic was out cold, and had no way to defend – but now?
Magnus: That was a message for sure. Despite all his Morales is someone else posturing, Sainovic has talked enough crap about Dakota Jennings since End of Days 2020, that he was due. Cross putting an exclamation point on Sainovic’s loss, with a fond memory of Dakota!
Phillips: Well Zoran is down, and the ball looks physically possible now-
BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES: WUK VS HKW - FEBRUARY 2023
Fulton: Precarious position these two are in!
Torchwood: Look at that!
The words leave Torchwoods mouth as Recoba lands behind Armand von Krauss on the second rope as he counters another superplex and hits his signature move “The Skim” from the turnbuckles! Going straight for a cover afterwards does Cross.
1!
2!
3!
Fulton: Precarious position these two are in!
Torchwood: Look at that!
The words leave Torchwoods mouth as Recoba lands behind Armand von Krauss on the second rope as he counters another superplex and hits his signature move “The Skim” from the turnbuckles! Going straight for a cover afterwards does Cross.
1!
2!
3!
PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT 2023
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Disney’s Marty Donovan vs. Cross Recoba
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Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Disney’s Marty Donovan vs. Cross Recoba
Add to Planner
Fade back up on Phil and Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is our main event. Disney’s Marty Donovan defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship 6 months ago in October of 2022. He’s defended that title against two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans, The Sheik, “High Roller” Wesley Crane and former X Crown Champion “The Final Boss” Zoran Sainovic. But now he puts that title on the line against the CEO of Tap Out, and a man who loathes Hardkore World and everything it stands for, Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe you don’t like Marty because of the way he wins his matches. Maybe you don’t like Marty because of his jaunty speedo he wears when he wrestles. Maybe you don’t like Marty because the GrowTech penis enlarging pills he sold caused flipper babies in the town downstream from the plant that made them. But tonight, we all have to unite behind him against a common evil. People that don’t like our product and the people that love them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have crossed swords all over the country and across the Pacific. First in his Reedy Creek Rules match with “The Final Boss” Zoran Sainovic. In Vegas, in Tap Out, Marty showed up in the front row of the co-main event to cause a distraction with selfies and autographs. Cross acted like he was going to deal with it himself, but then sent a bunch of security guards to escort Marty out.
Phillip Blauer: Typical Vegas pit boss response.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Japan at J-ROK, Marty was at a bar on a business trip and a giant cake was brought out to celebrate 6 months as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. Cross ambushed Marty, pushing his head into the cake where there was a steel chair. Cross left Marty bleeding. even CAR auto racing in Albuquerque. But the time for talking is done!
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Acrisure Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Palm Springs fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a shower of boos and jeers.
Phillip Blauer: This man came in to this company, and told the fans that have watched Hardkore World since before he started in this business, that they don’t know what wrestling looks like. That they don't know what a real star looks like. And now here he is, challenging for the territory’s top title.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, it doesn't help to agree with you when you actually talk about it.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I sympathize.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba feels like Marty has lost a step over the year, and the Hardkore matches have taken their toll over time. He has said that Marty’s title reign has bared that out over time.
Phillip Blauer: And that is just ridiculous. Marty takes GrowTech every morning, he believes in the product. He is happy to report new back hair growing. Remember, the metallic taste in your mouth means it’s working!
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience. He’s wearing a black armband that says 1923-2023
Guillermo O’Bannon: That armband on Cross Recoba’s bicep is to signify the Death of Disney.
Phillip Blauer: This whole thing is because Marty Donovan offered to buy Tap Out on behalf of Disney, and Cross Recoba’s ego couldn’t handle doing the smart business move and selling out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one believed that Cross Recoba was going to sell Tap Out. A company he built brick by brick.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Palm Springs crowd. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft
Phillip Blauer: I did. I told everyone. He made me look like a fool. A damn fool.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tried to sow some dissension in The Anointed by claiming that Wesley Crane has surpassed him as the biggest star.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck
Phillip Blauer: Which is so silly. People have tried that before and they just gotta realize that those guys are bros. Like…. …
Phil starts getting emotional and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts away to Cross Recoba setting the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron. With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, get a hold of yourself. Cross Recoba is threatening to retire Marty Donovan here tonight on this biggest show of the year.
Phillip Blauer: It’s just…people don’t get it. I see these gents without the cameras, and it’s like…that’s real.
The Acrisure Arena starts glowing neon blue as “End Of The Line” from the Tron Soundtrack plays. The fans have a mixed reaction. “The Punisher” Dan Stein walks out with his arm in a sling, holding The Peacemaker. He looks around and makes sure it’s safe before waving Disney’s Marty Donovan, who drives out on a Tron cycle dressed as Tron in a light up suit
Phillip Blauer: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the World that Tron was fondly remembered and in need of a reboot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really? I thought it was convincing the World he didn’t exist?
Phillip Blauer: Greater than Tron? Are you daft, man? Tron?? Have you seen it? Believe me, Satan laughed, spread his wings, and made Tron.
Marty Donovan drives down the aisle on his Tron cycle and gets some rare back pats from the fans and even a guy in the front row holding a “I’m A Smarty!” sign
Phillip Blauer: This guy is playing hurt! Like all the greats. Terrell Owens playing the Super Bowl on a broken leg. Ronnie Lott losing a finger. Josh Matthews doing Raw with a cocaine nose bleed. He is recovering from gazillions of thumbtack lacerations. The recovery time for something like that can be months.
Cross Recoba’s niece and nephew are ringside and pat Marty Donvan’s shoulders as he steps off of the Tron cycle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Disney’s Marty Donovan is here now and insists that Cross Recoba is just a promoter playing wrestler. He says that Cross barely squeaked by some of his opponents on route to his title shot here tonight…
Donovan steps up the ringsteps and then stands on the apron, looking out at the audience. All the lights in The Acrisure Arena go out! All you can see is Donovan’s light up Tron costume
Phillip Blauer: Disney’s Marty Donovan is brought to you by Disney World who reminds you that the ride Tron: Light Cycle / Run opens this month! Speed across a world with no horizons in a high-stakes race based on the Disney sci-fi film TRON: Legacy.
The lights come back on and Dan Stein steps through the ropes with Marty Donovan. Marty stares at Cross Recoba
Phillip Blauer: Cross Recoba, terrified of what Marty Donovan can do to him, convinced the feeble minded ex-con Moondog Dook to throw the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion into thumb tacks. Not even Larry Zybysko himself would stoop so low. Excuse my language.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan points to his title reign and the wars that he has had to withstand to be standing here in the ring as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 and that Cross has no idea what he’s in for tonight.
Disney’s Marty Donovan puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on his shoulder, and steps up to the second turnbuckle. The Palm Springs fans give him a mix of cheers and boos. The lights go out in The Acrisure Arena, and then a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin standing in the middle of the ring. The crowd pops
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023!”
The audience gives a loud ovation
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion…’THE FOX’ CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty actually gets some cheers as Dan Stein helps him remove his Tron costume until he is only wearing Disney bikini briefs, gloves and wrestling boots
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match
Disney's Marty Donovan vs. Cross Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty must have said something, because Cross just whacked him with a reverse knife edge chop!
Phillip Blauer: What happened to freedom of speech?
Cross Recoba smacks Marty Donovan in the chest with another hard chop, and another that backs him into the ropes. Marty begs off but Cross eyes bug out and he hits Donovan with another reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with another blistering chop! And another! He irish whips Marty Donovan into the ropes and takes him out with a dropkick!
Cross Recoba pulls him up and then nearly snap suplexes Marty Donovan out of his boots. He pulls Marty up and irish whips him into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross climbs to the second rope and starts hammering punches down onto Marty in the corner! Over and over!
The audience boos. Finally, after blow after blow, Marty Donovan grabs his legs and walks him out to the center of the ring with an inverted atomic drop
Phillip Blauer: Marty Donovan finding Cross Recoba’s achilles heel. His groin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You make this really hard to root for Marty.
Phillip Blauer: I know.
Guillermo O’Bannon: 17 years ago, at Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Disney’s Marty Donovan defeated “The Big Ragoo” Jo Jo Sushi for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship in a classic steel cage match. That truly was his coming out party. But here in 2023, Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the ropes and then brains him between the eyes with a flying forearm!
The Palm Springs crowd cheers. Donovan pulls Recoba up into a front facelock and then swings into a swinging neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and somersaults off but Recoba avoids it and lets Marty crash to the mat!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Donovan rolls around on the mat in pain. Dan Stein grimaces at ringside while Cross Recoba pulls Marty up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits out into a facebuster!
Marty Donovan is able to get to his knees as Cross Recoba runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba smashes the kneeling Marty Donovan with a running european uppercut!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at Marty getting blindsided by that european uppercut. Cross Recoba stomps the back of Donovan’s knee a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a few stiff forearms to Marty’s back while he tries to get up. He slugs Marty, but Donovan returns fire with a few punches of his own. Recoba shuts that down with a hard elbow to the jawline. Donovan tries to kick him, but Cross grabs his leg. Marty swings around with an enzuigiri!
The fans let out another “OH!” as Cross goes down like a redwood. Marty pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan takes him out with a rolling wheel kick!
The audience lets out a loud pop! Marty Donovan pulls Cross Recoba up to his feet in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan drops Cross Recoba with a german suplex with a perfect bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Marty Donovan irish whips him but Cross reverses it and shoots Marty into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba follows him in with a hard knee to his head and chest in the corner!
Cross Recoba threads Marty Donovan’s leg through the top and middle rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and punt kicks the back of Donovan’s knee!
The crowd boos as Marty Donovan cries out in pain. Marty staggers out of the corner into a shoulderbreaker by Cross Recoba. Donovan stands up, clutching his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba leaps into the air and catches Marty Donovan from behind with a jumping reverse STO! He runs into the ropes and hits an elbow drop across Marty’s collarbone.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The audience chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs the ropes and drives a knee drop into Donovan’s knee.
Marty howls and sits up in pain, holding his kneecap. Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips Marty into the ropes but Donovan ducks a clothesline. Marty atomic drops Recoba on the top turnbuckle, facing the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls him out of the corner with a rope hung neckbreaker!!
Cross Recoba sits up as the fans cheer. Marty Donovan irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan catches him into a flying headscissors into a cross knee lock! He cranks back on to Cross Recoba’s leg, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Cross shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan while he reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan competed in a Mir match with the other regional champions; Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion "The Punisher" Dan Stein, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers that Dan Stein won.
Cross Recoba is finally able to get a leg free and kicks Donovan off of him to escape the cross knee lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba to his feet first, and laces his leg behind Donovan’s head and drives his face into the mat with a fameasser!
Recoba applies a spinning toe hold. He hangs on to Donovan’s ankle and foot while twisting that aching knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gives that spinning toe hold another spin and Donovan flops down to the mat in pain. His shoulders are now down on the mat.
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan sits up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba now ends the spinning toehold with a knee drop to the side of Marty’s knee.
Marty howls in pain, holding his knee. Cross Recoba pulls him up into a side waistlock, then lifts him into a side suplex with an elbow crashing on his sternum
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Marty needs to hang on. Not just for Hardkore World but for my optioning rights to the sequel I wrote for the Brave Little Toaster called “The Foreman Grill That Was A Fucking Coward”. We’ve gotten a nibble from Brendan Gleeson’s people to play the wise Spatula Fork, but he’s Irish so they call him Spatty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba lifts him up into a rear waistlock and goes for a german, but Donovan lands on his feet behind Cross, and after hopping for a sec on his bad wheel, he grabs Recoba in a full nelson and drops him in a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba rolls to his feet but Marty kicks him in the stomach, takes him over into a side headlock and then applies a pluma blanca!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as Marty clamps down on the head scissors while pulling back on Recoba’s trapped arm. The crowd starts chanting “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was the town where at Palm Springs Punishment 2008, Kilroy Evans defeated Marty in the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: It was the Flair-Steamboat of tearing off another man’s clothes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That it was. Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the turnbuckles, and follows him in one step behind with a dropkick!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” and Marty Donovan sweeps out Cross Recoba’s legs, so he falls in the corner. Marty steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls on the top rope to slingshot himself over, but Cross has that move scouted and punches him right in the breadbasket, through the ropes! Recoba goes out to the apron with him, and sitout DDTs his head on the apron!! Staten Island Drop!
The boos are deafening as Marty is motionless on the apron. Cross smirks and kicks him off the apron to the Acrisure Arena floor. He rolls back into the ring and starts inviting the venom and jeers cascading down onto him, then he runs into the ropes. Cross dives over the top rope feet first with a missile dropkick on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: A Million Lira Dropkick to Marty Donovan, smacking him into the railing!!
Recoba crawls back into the ring, and pulls himself up by the ropes, waiting for Marty to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slingshots himself over the ropes onto Marty’s shoulders for an inverted huracanrana, but Marty catches him and electric chair drops him into the corner post!!
The fans come to life! Cross rolls over with a laceration over his eyebrow and his eyes not able to focus. Marty Donovan goes over to Cross Recoba’s niece and nephew at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now giving his gloves to Recoba’s niece and signing a quick autograph for his nephew!
Phillip Blauer: Marty always has time to visit his number one fans.
Marty ruffles their hair and then rolls back into the ring. He says “Watch this!” and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan flips over the ropes with a somersault senton on Cross Recoba!!
The crowd roars and both Donovan and Cross lie out on the arena floor. Dan Stein pounds the apron with his good arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan rolls a bleeding Cross back into the ring and stands up on the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard tornado DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Cross Recoba into the ropes, but Recoba shows amazing agility and leaps to the middle of the top rope, and he catches an oncoming Marty Donovan with a turnaround springboard missile dropkick!!
The audience boos. Cross Recoba wipes some of the blood out of his eyes. He grabs Donovan’s leg with another spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Cross drops down into a figure four leglock! He locks that leg down Donovan’s ankle, crushing his own knee with it.
Donovan sits up in pain, shaking his head no as Tommy Milligan repeatedly asks him if he wants to submit. Dan Stein yells some encouragement from ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty inching towards those ropes, but Cross Recoba clamps down on that figure four some more. Before the return, the last time Marty Donovan was at Palm Springs Punishment was 2009, when he defeated Devastation but lost to Dougie Ray Bullet in the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match. Now, he’s trying to hold on so it doesn’t happen again.
The one armed Dan Stein puts his Peacemaker in the ring and tells Marty to grab it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan grabs that wooden staff, and Stein drags him to the side of the ring so that he can grab the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Look at The Danimal’s strength! Dragging two men with one arm??
Tommy Milligan forces Cross Recoba to break the figure four as Recoba begrudgingly acquiesces while he complains about Marty using The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba puts Marty’s foot on the bottom rope then steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself over into an elbow drop to the side of his knee!
Marty Donovan rolls around the mat, clutching his kneecap. The audience jeers. A bleeding Cross Recoba scoops Marty up but Donovan floats over behind him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up into a reverse backbreaker! Recoba sits up in pain, and then Donovan basement dropkicks the back of his head!
The crowd cheers wildly! Donovan shoots Recoba into the ropes and takes him out with a slingblade, then hobbles out to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan comes off the rope with a springboard front missile dropkick!!
The Palm Springs audience pops and starts chanting “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY” Marty Donovan hammerlocks Recoba’s arm, grabs him around the head in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up and drops him on his arm with a gloria!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan irish whips him into the ropes and catches him with a frankenstiener but Cross Recoba reverses it into a tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan claps his legs together on Recoba’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs Marty around the waist, and sweeps out his leg with a rahnei into a cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets underneath Marty as he getting to his feet with a saito suplex!
The audience chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as Cross Recoba whips his blood stained hair back and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba dives off the top turnbuckle with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The Acrisure Arena applauds as Cross Recoba slaps the mat in frustration. He lifts Recoba up into a DDT, but Donovan lifts him into a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan flips Recoba headfirst onto his knee with an ushigoroshi!!
Recoba is laid out on the mat, but Donovan is holding the knee he just dropped a 230 pound man on
Phillip Blauer: That may have done more damage to Marty than Cross. But that’s Mary, he’ll do anything to his own body to break down yours. He’s like Sabu except he won’t hold you up for pills before he’ll go out there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is actually the first to his feet, but Marty grabs him in a side headlock. Recoba hooks his ankle and lifts him up into a kneebreaker atomic drop.
Donovan yelps and staggers off until he falls forward. A crimson masked Cross Recoba walks over and pulls Marty’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba lifts Marty up and over into a crucifix, but Marty wriggles out and falls behind him!
Marty Donovan runs and hops on the middle of the second rope and backflips back into an asai moonsault DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts him up into a suplex, but Cross floats over into an inverted facelock, and then backflips into an osaka street cutter! The Skim!
The fans boo and chant “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” Cross Recoba grabs Donovan’s leg and steps over into a scorpion ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lupara Bianca! Cross Recoba torques that leg of Marty’s while sitting low on the back of his thigh!
Marty Donovan screams in pain, trying to stave off tapping out. Dan Stein pounds on the mat in support of him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba continuing to twist on the boot of Marty Donovan, putting pressure on that knee.
The boos come raining down as Tommy Milligan asks Donovan if he wants to tap out. Donovan finally tucks his head and rolls through but Cross hangs on until Marty is standing in front of him on leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri!
The fans leap to their feet! The fans chant ““MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!”
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan climbs to the second rope and points to…Phil?
Phillip Blauer: No, there must be a make-a-wish kid behind me.
Phil tugs on his ear lobe and nods back at Marty. Marty hopped down into a panama sunrise piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!
Phillip Blauer: Consarnit. I believe Donnie Valentine Jr.’s rag tag ring crew left the apron skirt up too high. Do I have to do everything around here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, where are you going?
Phil Blauer gets up and walks over to the ring apron. He looks around conspicuously and then reaches into his pocket. Inside the ring, Marty Donovan pulls Cross Recoba up to his blood drenched hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil just threw thumbtacks into the ring! Phil! Stop it! Phil!
Phil continues to toss the thumbtacks into the ring. He looks around to see if anyone’s noticed, and then continues to throw them in the ring. Then he runs back to the announce table and puts on his headset like nothing happened
Guillermo O’Bannon: What did you do?
Phillip Blauer: Ring skirt was higher than a call girl’s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls Cross Recoba up by the hair and stands him in front of those thumb tacks you just threw in!
Phillip Blauer: Never send a Moondog to do a Blau Dog’s job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What does that even mean? Marty runs into the ropes and hits him with The Dis-Knee v-trigger but it hurts his knee and he flops into the thumbtacks instead!!
The Palm Springs fans let out a deafening “OH!” as Marty rolls around in agony. His black is glittering with thumb tacks as Cross Recoba bleeds on the top rope he’s leaning on
Phillip Blauer: NO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That knee of Marty Donovan in no condition to deliver a Dis-Knee, and he wound up in those thumb tacks.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of all the thumb tacks in Marty’s shoulder as Cross Recoba pulls him to his feet. He atomic drops Marty Donovan on the top turnbuckle, facing the audience and climbs up to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba hammerlock half nelsons Donovan’s arms and then tiger superplexes him!! Fall of Valachi!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and the Palm Springs fans boo in despair. A bloody Cross Recoba rolls onto his back, staring at the lights and soaking in the moment
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Phillip Blauer: (weeping) This is terrible.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I agree. Cross Recoba has captured the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in the heart of the company Palm Springs, on our biggest show of the year. But Cross Recoba did enough work on that knee that it rendered the Dis-Knee useless, and then Marty made the even worse mistake of trusting you with anything.
Phillip Blauer: (wiping his eyes with Kleenex) When I was a boy and saw that Hindenburg go down. I thought that was the worst thing I would ever see. But this is far worse than that. Those people got off light if you want my opinion.
Tommy Milligan hands Cross Recoba the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, and Cross stands and holds it over his head to the jeering fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t. Cross Recoba now in control of a title belt that goes back to 1989. With Champions like Matthew X, Rated X, Cobryn, Syberus, and now Cross Recoba?? This is exactly what he said he would do and now he’s done it.
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Marty Donovan’s knee while Dan Stein pulls out some of the tacks sticking out of his shoulder. Cross Recoba stands up on the second turnbuckle holding up his new Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Soda cups, plastic beer bottles, and other debris starts getting thrown into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aren’t you going to go see how Marty is?
Phillip Blauer: I’m really more of a thrill of victory friend than an agony of defeat friend. I think I’ll hang back until Dan gets all those tacks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The ten thousand people here in attendance letting Cross Recoba know what they think of their new champion, but he is their new champion nonetheless.
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect continues to rock through The Acrisure Arena as Cross Recoba stands at the center of the ring holding up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine catches several fans booing and heckling the new champ
Phillip Blauer: We’ll get this overturned. The match should have been stopped immediately when the air condition blew those old thumb tacks in to the ring. Is Tommy Milligan the one with the DUI?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that’s Richie, Jonnie’s…and no it’s not. It’s not anybody, I don’t know what you’re talking about
Trash continues to be thrown into the ring. Cross Recoba straps the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship around his waist and steps through the ropes out on to the floor. He demands Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. clear a path for him through the angry fans’ arms near the aisle way for him to triumphantly walk through and he does
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba ends Palm Springs Punishment 2023 with a new Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! That caps off this unbelievable night of Hardkore action, join us at our next pay-per-view this summer, Irish Rage in Belfast 2023! But we’ll see you in Seattle for our next show!
Inside the ring, Dan Stein and David Valentine Jr. help Marty stand on his bad leg but he can’t put weight on it. Out in the aisle, with blood crusted over his eyelid and blood on his trunks, Cross Recoba backs down the aisle with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist as Hardkore Director Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of him. Jackie Valentine Jr. widens his shot to show the Hardkore stage and white fireworks start going off all around Cross Recoba as the shot fades out
