Post by Dylan on Apr 20, 2023 1:09:23 GMT -5
BOOM! BANG! POW! Pyro goes off as the GUNS Arena is jam-packed with people spending their tax dollars on a massive event. It's TAX DAY! We cut to Tom Phillips at the desk, for once he's not harassing hot chicks in the front row.
Phillips: Welcome to the Tax Day Special! We're here at the GUNS Arena and...
He looks around.
Phillips: Magnus is nowhere to be found.
He raps his fist on the announce desk.
Phillips: There was a memo that said something about how, and I quote, "Just because the IRS is showing up here doesn't mean they'll find me! I don't care who the IRS sends, I am not paying taxes!"
Phillips shrugs.
Phillips: Well mine were paid off so I have nothing to worry about. Anyway we have a couple of fun matches on the docket for tonight. El Rey and Dylan Black are squeezing one last defense in before the Rumble and I'm sure all the GUNS representatives in the Rumble will have to get their respective last words in.
Backstage in Venom’s office we find, well, Venom. He’s sitting behind his desk calmly when his door opens and Javier walks in.
Venom: Good you came.
Javier: Well you called me so of course I came.
Venom: Good, take a seat.
Javier pulls out the chair across from Venom and takes a seat. He doesn’t look like he’s expecting good news. Is Venom done being El Combatiente? Is his cash cow milked dry?
Venom: Don’t look so blue. It’s good news.
Thats a weight off of his shoulders, but Javier doesn’t know what is coming next.
Venom: My guys on the ground have found your friend.
Javier: What?
Venom: He was in a coma. His face was completely wrapped in bandages because during the event he was wearing his mask and it burned to his face.
Javier: Oh my god. He’s alive? Is he okay?
Venom: Yes he is, and his cosmetic surgery was successful. So pack your bags. My private plane is fueled and ready to take you to Japan.
Javier: Okay. This is perfect. The only thing I need is the mask.
Venom: No.
Javier: What?
Venom: I’m keeping the mask. We don’t know how long it’ll be until he’s healthy. I’m keeping the mask. Now go.
Javier hesitates, but he gets up and exits the office as we cut back to the arena.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up their surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner and calls for a mic.
El Rey: As I was preparing for my match at the Rumble something occurred to me. No one in this stupid match is really a proper representation of Next Level at its finest. So I went to my dad and told him to cancel whatever loser Junior Heavyweight he had lined up for me and called in a favor.
Phillips: Well this is a surprise. Who on Earth could El Rey could’ve called from NLW? It’s not like he made a lot of friends there.
El Rey tosses that mic out of the ring and the crowd pops for an actual opponent for once as we wait for the special opponent.
The lights in the GUNS arena dim and smoke fills the stage as "Ante Up (Robbin Hoodz Theory) (Radio Version)" By M.O.P. begins to play. Through the smoke walks out David Goon to a huge ovation from the GUNS crowd. He looks around at the crowd before running down the ramp and sliding in the ring. He gives El Rey a nod before moving to the corner and climbing up to the second rope. He takes a long look at the crowd before jumping down and waiting for the start of the match.
Phillips: Wow. This is a real coo by our champion. David Goon is a member of SCCW and one of the NLW originals.
The two former NLW members begin to circle each other as the ref calls for the bell. Both reach out and share a fist bump and then David shoots for the single leg, but El Rey side steps the attempt. They continue to circle and now El Rey shoots for the single leg, but David catches him with a front face lock and drops him to the mat. David wrenches at the neck of El Rey, but El Rey works his way up to his feet. El Rey pushes David off and David hits the ropes. He charges back at El Rey, but El Rey leap frogs over him. David hits the ropes and bounces back swinging with a huge clothesline, but El Rey ducks and charges the ropes himself. El Rey bounces of and David lowers his head for a back drop, but El Rey leaps up landing on David’s back. David is quick to stand with force and sends El Rey into the air. El Rey falls back down onto the shoulders of David and snaps back for a rana attempt but David lands on his feet and we’re at a stalemate!
Phillips: What athleticism by both men early on. This is what the junior division is all about.
The two reach out to bump fists again, but this time David quickly grabs El Rey by the wrist and pulls him into a side headlock. El Rey fights to get out, but David just wrenches in tighter and then drops him to the mat. David moves onto El Rey’s back and begins to send cross faces down on El Rey, but El Rey puts his arms up to block. After a few blows to the arms David quickly moves to El Rey’s leg and grabs him by the ankle and slams his knee into the mat. El Rey grabs at his knee and screams out in pain and then rolls out of the ring to get some distance between him and his challenger. The person in the front row yells at El Rey and the young champion jaws back at him distracting him from the task at hand. When he turns back to the ring he’s hit with a baseball slide that causes El Rey to fly back first into the ring barrier. David slides out of the ring the rest of the way and walks up to El Rey on the ring barrier. David hushes the crowd and lands a huge echoing overhand chop on the champion. El Rey screams out in pain, and David sends another chop to his chest to a huge “woo” from the crowd. David then grabs El Rey and whips him into the ring steps causing them to fly out of position. El Rey crumbles in pain as David Goon claps to the crowd causing them to pop. With El Rey down David pulls a chair from under the ring to another huge pop from the crowd. The ref begins to yell at David not to get disqualified, but David ignores him and sets up the chair in the corner of the ring barriers. David then moves over to El Rey and picks up the champion and shoves him into the chair. David sends rights to El Rey to keep him seated and then walks to the other side of the ringside area and then runs at the champion. David leaps at the last moment for a knee to El Rey, but El Rey dives out of the way and David’s knee connects with the ring barrier.
Phillips: Oh no! Crash and burn for Goon. This could turn the tide, but they’re both dangerously close to being counted out.
El Rey crawls to the ring and pulls himself up and rolls in to break the count, and then rolls back out. He moves back over to David who’s seething in pain on the chair and picks him up and drives him knee first into the chair. David screams out in pain and El Rey smiles on the face of the jeering crowds and then grabs David and drags him to the ring and rolls him in. El Rey follows him in and quickly locks in a knee bar on the injured knee of David Goon. David quickly grabs the ropes to break the hold, but El Rey doesn’t release the hold. The ref counts to five and El Rey finally releases at five. El Rey then pulls David to the center of the ring and makes the cover, but David kicks out at two. El Rey quickly gets up and drops an elbow on the knee of David and then gets right back up, bounces off the ropes, and then drops another elbow to the injured knee and makes another cover attempt only for David to again kick out. El Rey slams his hand on the mat and yells at the ref for a slow count. El Rey then turns back to David and reaches down to grab David and pull him up, but David rolls him up in a small package, but El Rey kicks out. El Rey is quickly back up to his feet, but so is David and he’s on the champion quickly with a right and a chop and a right and a chop until he’s got El Rey against the ropes. El Rey bounces off and David lays him out with a clothesline on return. El Rey gets right back up and David lays him back down again with another clothesline. David has taken control and reaches down and picks El Rey up, but El Rey quickly responds with a low drop kick to the injured knee and David hits the mat hard.
Phillips: Just when Goon gets the advantage the champion takes advantage of the knee. This could be a long night for the SCCW star if he can’t end it soon.
El Rey crawls to the ropes and pulls himself up. He shakes off the violent blows from his opponent stalks David as he struggles to get up to his feet. Once he’s up El Rey charges in, but David is quick to counter with a drop toe hold and David quickly floats over and locks in a cross face. El Rey screams in pain and reaches for the bottom rope, but David has it locked in tight. The ref gets down and asks El Rey if he quits, but El Rey screams no. David wrenches in tighter and El Rey screams, but he won’t tap out. El Rey plants one foot on the mat and rolls onto his back and David’s shoulders are on the mat. 1…2…3! David Goon releases a split second too late and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion AND moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Phillips: What a tight finish by the champion, but again he retains the belt.
David Goon slams his hands on the mat in frustration as he watches El Rey slowly gets up to his feet and is handed his Junior Heavyweight Championship. David rolls out in frustration as El Rey celebrates in the ring.
A picture feed from off-site, out of state, possibly in Canada, appears on the screen. Magnus is standing against a non-descript brickwall. He is also wearing a pair of glasses, and has a really big fake mustache, so you can't prove it's him.
Magnus Masked: Good evening GUNS viewers. I am Gerry Gerrison, a member of the GUNS championship committee - who has regularly been drawing a salary from the company for the past four years, and has a complicated paper history that proves I'm an actual employee. The rest of the GUNS administrative team thought it would be a good idea for me to make a public appearance to show that I am very much real, and not some loop hole.
Now comes the hard part.
Magnus Masked: In reviewing the Valentine's Day Battle Royal for the Phoenix championship - we discovered that the winner, Disney's Marty Donovan - was not a legal entrant. Any auditors seeing this, we care about legalities here at GUNS. So all 117 members of the championship committee have decided that the only way to be fair to the participants that were eliminated by Marty, is to be given a shot at his title in similar circumstances...
So on GUNS MAY THE 4TH...
That Hardkore Flake Marty Donovan will defend the title in a FOUR-WAY-DANCE... against....
Mister Rip'N'Terror.
DINOSAUR BONES representing the hated CAR, and apparently himself.
...AND our very own, Redmond Fury.
This last announcement is hard for Magnus.
Magnus Masked: See... Gerry Gerrison has to be a real person, because there is NO WAY IN HELL that Magnus was going to give his roid raging douchebag ex-husband OF HIS a title shot. So..... THIS BETTER PUT RUMOURS OF MY BEING MADE UP FOR TAX FRAUD TO REST!
Gerry takes a second to compose himself.
Magnus Masked: Enjoy the rest of the show...
The signal cuts out.
Your "Raccoons should count as cars at KFC drive-thrus" Florida Man is sitting with his accountant.
Accountant: How did it come to this?
Florida Man (downing a Sixpack): You do you buddy.
Taking on a client like this, the accountant is probably from Florida.
Accountant: So when were you employed by REIGN?
Florida Man: I was just defending my title there because they looked sad, and I figured I could get to second base easy...
Accountant: So where are you now?
Florida Man: J-rok... but I is tryin' to get out of my contract.
Accountant: Even if you did - you would still have to get out of your second one.
Florida Man: Two contracts?!
Why would he be employed by J-rok twice? Oh wait! So angry he could spit, Florida Man charges off.
Accountant: Where are you going? We still have quite a few receipts to clarify. You can't write off cool whip sprays-
Florida Man (running off): Yes you can!
Meanwhile at Grady Memorial Hospital.
Reporter Chip Wilson walks the hallways.
Chip Wilson: The city of Atlanta is currently suffering for a nursing crisis, with many hospitals unable to field even one - with record numbers putting in requests to transfer to Grady Memorial. What disturbing secret is drawing the state's medical staff to this building like a mother to flame?
The ER door is kicked open.
Redmond Fury: Someone get me out of here! I have a rumble to win-
Lusty Nurse #273: If you don't take your medication you'll never pass out.
Redmond Fury: The kind of pills your pushing miss, and I'll be up all night.
Unfortunately before the greatest match ever can get started - Fury tosses the Nurse into the cameraman-
STATIC.
The signal is only gone for a second before the camera returns to the ring.
Phillips: Yes fans, Ozawa is apparently assessing if the Shoeshine guy has what it takes to get a contract with a rival promotion.... like probably J-RoK.
Shoeshine sets a fire in the ring.
Phillips: Arson? Too soon!
Ozawa stomps out the fire, only to scuff up his boot. This Is Syko's time to shine - sadly he's only in mod-polish when he takes Ozawa over with an anklelock.
Phillips: Could this be?
Florida Man absolutely LIVID that Ozawa signed him to a second J-RoK contracts, hits the ring, and then hits the rival recruiter.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as the result of a disqualification, Rival Recruiter Ozawa!
Florida Man continues to stomp a whole in Ozawa. Syko approaches to complain about the dq only to eat an eye gouge. A half dozen.GUNS enhancement talents run out of the back to protect their own.
Phillips: News of the IRS being in the arena has cost most of our regulars to no show. What your seeing represents the bulk of the locker room tonight, and they're no match for that meth dripping monster!
Florida Man attempts to eat Ozawa, and actually gets a full leg packed down his gullet before the GUNS superstars hit the ring. Heavily outnumbered this is where Florida Man's GFC KO power comes into play. Cobbs? KO! Discovery+ Ancient Alien? To the moon! Barry Cho? Five Star KO! Assistant Zamboni BANDIT? Never stood a chance!
Phillips: Florida Man is standing on a pile of GUNS wrestlers - can no one stop this maniac?
Eventually the security guards bust out their electrods. One, two, three, four, five, six - stun gun shots manage to get Florida Man enough of a buzz for the security to remove him from the ring. Just in time for Sylvia to announce the main event.
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first, from Hokkaido, Japan, he is the Heart of GUNS, DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arms outstretched and holding his X*Crown belt.
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. He is completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, from Washington D.C, he stands at 6 FEET 3 INCHES TALL and weighs in at TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX POUNDS. IRWIN! R! SCHYSTER!
Irwin R. Schyster saunters down to the ring with way too much swagger for a 65-year-old who hasn't wrestled a match since 2007.
Phillips: As I live and breathe. I get to see an IRS match for the first time in my life! In-person!
IRS slides into the ring and begins to jaw off with Dylan. Dylan talks smack back to the WWF legend before IRS slaps the taste out of his mouth!
DING DING DING!
The X*Crown Champion swings wildly at IRS but the legend ducks underneath the punch and locks in the abdominal stretch! Dylan is getting stretched out by the old man as IRS laughs. A man who looks suspiciously like Mongo the Destroyer is seen laughing and throwing money at people in the front row! Dylan hip tosses IRS over his shoulder, probably breaking his hip while doing so. Dylan nails a few nasty stomps and does a little showboating, laying on the top rope while waiting for IRS to get up. Even in his old age, he gets up kind of quick and Dylan jumps down into a kick to the midsection. IRS lifts him up for a butterfly suplex! But Dylan grounds himself, he doesn't let IRS get him up. Dylan Irish whips IRS into the ropes and goes for a knee but IRS stops short and Dylan jumps up, before getting crotched by the challenger!
Phillips: Damn! Dylan's got the agility but IRS has that wisdom from wrestling since '81!
With Dylan holding his balls, IRS is able to hook him up and suplex him! Dylan's now holding his back and IRS light jogs the ropes for a knee drop! Dylan is getting his ass kicked by IRS! Just like your average American! With Dylan on the mat, IRS rolls him over and locks in an STF! Dylan's screaming in pain but he drags himself to the ropes, he latches onto the bottom rope and the ref begins to count IRS! One, two, three, four, IRS lets go at the last second, just like when the real IRS has to give you back your money. IRS lifts Dylan to his feet and tries to lift Dylan to his shoulders in a fireman's carry. Dylan drives an elbow into the side of Irwin's head and Mr. Wallstreet drops him. IRS turns around and Dylan nails a fast kick to the side of IRS's head!
Phillips: Where IRS excels in the old school no flips just fists style, Dylan has those explosive super moves that would make anyone crumble!
IRS is in a heap on the ground and Dylan grabs his arms, pulling them back before stomping on him with the DYNAMIC OUTRO! Dylan pins IRS with a one, two, three!
DING DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION, Dylan-
Before Sylvia can make the call the lights cut out and the intro to Code Orange's "Shatter" plays. The GUNS Arena EXPLODES as BRAY FUCKING WYATT COMES THROUGH THE CURTAIN, FLANKED BY UNCLE HOWDY!
Phillips: OH MY! AWF ALUMNI BRAY WYATT IS IN THE GUNS ZONE! And yes, I can say AWF. It's fine to acknowledge other wrestling companies as long as SOMEONE isn't breathing down my neck and screaming in my ear. Vince or Magnus? Who knows...
Bray and Uncle Howdy stalk the ring, circling like vultures as Dylan turns and turns, trying to keep an eye on both of them. Howdy and Bray climb onto opposite sides of the apron and there's a pause. A hushed silence. A #BEAT# for our Eastern European viewers. And Dylan turns and punches Howdy off the apron! But Bray clambers behind him and hits him with a double axe handle!
DING DING DING!
Phillips: Looks like the main event isn't over yet! But what's with this sudden attack and impromptu match?!
Howdy recovers on the apron as Dylan and Bray brawl in the ring. Bray tries an early mandible claw but Dylan bites down hard on the hand of the elder Rotunda brother. Dylan follows with a combo of punches and kicks that sent him flying into the corner. Before he can capitalize Uncle Howdy grabs him in a bearhug and holds his arms back behind his torso. Bray kips up and uses Dylan as a punching bag, hitting him with all sorts of stiff punches. Dylan is starting to look tired, the man just wrestled a 20-minute clinic before this heinous assault!
Bray grabs Dylan and bends him backward, grinning before planting a kiss on his forehead. He goes for Sister Abigail! But Dylan catches Bray's leg and sweeps the big man's legs out! Uncle Howdy grabs Dylan but Dylan drives his thumbs in Howdy's eyes! He then grabs the mask and RIPS IT OFF! GASP! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THAT'S-
Phillips: Bo Dallas! Brother of Bray Wyatt!
Phillips pauses.
Phillips: Oohhhhhhhhhh. It all makes sense now. Dylan beat up their dad and now the Rotunda brothers are taking their frustrations out on the X*Crown Champion! That's what they get for staying in the 'E, to be honest.
Bo Dallas is shocked that his disguise has been ruined and he lashes out with some brutal B-Team kicks! Dylan is stuffed into a corner and Bray and Bo both stomp the shit out of Dylan. The Wyatt 6 founders take a few steps back and Bo Irish whips Bray into Dylan for a cannonball, Dylan moves out of the way! Bray goes back first into the turnbuckles and crumples into the corner. Bo charges Dylan and eats a chop to the throat that downs him! Dylan stands over the downed Bo Dallas and rolls him over, grabbing his arms and STOMPING on him with a DYNAMIC OUTRO! Dylan slithers over Bo and the ref counts the one, two, three!
DING DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL the XHF X*Crown Champion, Dylan Black!
Phillips: The X*Crown Champion has done it again! Defeating one of the most mediocre royal families in all of sports entertainment!
Dylan Black celebrates with the titles in his hands as the show goes off the air.
Phillips: Welcome to the Tax Day Special! We're here at the GUNS Arena and...
He looks around.
Phillips: Magnus is nowhere to be found.
He raps his fist on the announce desk.
Phillips: There was a memo that said something about how, and I quote, "Just because the IRS is showing up here doesn't mean they'll find me! I don't care who the IRS sends, I am not paying taxes!"
Phillips shrugs.
Phillips: Well mine were paid off so I have nothing to worry about. Anyway we have a couple of fun matches on the docket for tonight. El Rey and Dylan Black are squeezing one last defense in before the Rumble and I'm sure all the GUNS representatives in the Rumble will have to get their respective last words in.
Backstage in Venom’s office we find, well, Venom. He’s sitting behind his desk calmly when his door opens and Javier walks in.
Venom: Good you came.
Javier: Well you called me so of course I came.
Venom: Good, take a seat.
Javier pulls out the chair across from Venom and takes a seat. He doesn’t look like he’s expecting good news. Is Venom done being El Combatiente? Is his cash cow milked dry?
Venom: Don’t look so blue. It’s good news.
Thats a weight off of his shoulders, but Javier doesn’t know what is coming next.
Venom: My guys on the ground have found your friend.
Javier: What?
Venom: He was in a coma. His face was completely wrapped in bandages because during the event he was wearing his mask and it burned to his face.
Javier: Oh my god. He’s alive? Is he okay?
Venom: Yes he is, and his cosmetic surgery was successful. So pack your bags. My private plane is fueled and ready to take you to Japan.
Javier: Okay. This is perfect. The only thing I need is the mask.
Venom: No.
Javier: What?
Venom: I’m keeping the mask. We don’t know how long it’ll be until he’s healthy. I’m keeping the mask. Now go.
Javier hesitates, but he gets up and exits the office as we cut back to the arena.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up their surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner and calls for a mic.
El Rey: As I was preparing for my match at the Rumble something occurred to me. No one in this stupid match is really a proper representation of Next Level at its finest. So I went to my dad and told him to cancel whatever loser Junior Heavyweight he had lined up for me and called in a favor.
Phillips: Well this is a surprise. Who on Earth could El Rey could’ve called from NLW? It’s not like he made a lot of friends there.
El Rey tosses that mic out of the ring and the crowd pops for an actual opponent for once as we wait for the special opponent.
The lights in the GUNS arena dim and smoke fills the stage as "Ante Up (Robbin Hoodz Theory) (Radio Version)" By M.O.P. begins to play. Through the smoke walks out David Goon to a huge ovation from the GUNS crowd. He looks around at the crowd before running down the ramp and sliding in the ring. He gives El Rey a nod before moving to the corner and climbing up to the second rope. He takes a long look at the crowd before jumping down and waiting for the start of the match.
Phillips: Wow. This is a real coo by our champion. David Goon is a member of SCCW and one of the NLW originals.
Real NLW Junior Heavyweight Showcase
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet Match
El Rey (c) vs David Goon
The two former NLW members begin to circle each other as the ref calls for the bell. Both reach out and share a fist bump and then David shoots for the single leg, but El Rey side steps the attempt. They continue to circle and now El Rey shoots for the single leg, but David catches him with a front face lock and drops him to the mat. David wrenches at the neck of El Rey, but El Rey works his way up to his feet. El Rey pushes David off and David hits the ropes. He charges back at El Rey, but El Rey leap frogs over him. David hits the ropes and bounces back swinging with a huge clothesline, but El Rey ducks and charges the ropes himself. El Rey bounces of and David lowers his head for a back drop, but El Rey leaps up landing on David’s back. David is quick to stand with force and sends El Rey into the air. El Rey falls back down onto the shoulders of David and snaps back for a rana attempt but David lands on his feet and we’re at a stalemate!
Phillips: What athleticism by both men early on. This is what the junior division is all about.
The two reach out to bump fists again, but this time David quickly grabs El Rey by the wrist and pulls him into a side headlock. El Rey fights to get out, but David just wrenches in tighter and then drops him to the mat. David moves onto El Rey’s back and begins to send cross faces down on El Rey, but El Rey puts his arms up to block. After a few blows to the arms David quickly moves to El Rey’s leg and grabs him by the ankle and slams his knee into the mat. El Rey grabs at his knee and screams out in pain and then rolls out of the ring to get some distance between him and his challenger. The person in the front row yells at El Rey and the young champion jaws back at him distracting him from the task at hand. When he turns back to the ring he’s hit with a baseball slide that causes El Rey to fly back first into the ring barrier. David slides out of the ring the rest of the way and walks up to El Rey on the ring barrier. David hushes the crowd and lands a huge echoing overhand chop on the champion. El Rey screams out in pain, and David sends another chop to his chest to a huge “woo” from the crowd. David then grabs El Rey and whips him into the ring steps causing them to fly out of position. El Rey crumbles in pain as David Goon claps to the crowd causing them to pop. With El Rey down David pulls a chair from under the ring to another huge pop from the crowd. The ref begins to yell at David not to get disqualified, but David ignores him and sets up the chair in the corner of the ring barriers. David then moves over to El Rey and picks up the champion and shoves him into the chair. David sends rights to El Rey to keep him seated and then walks to the other side of the ringside area and then runs at the champion. David leaps at the last moment for a knee to El Rey, but El Rey dives out of the way and David’s knee connects with the ring barrier.
Phillips: Oh no! Crash and burn for Goon. This could turn the tide, but they’re both dangerously close to being counted out.
El Rey crawls to the ring and pulls himself up and rolls in to break the count, and then rolls back out. He moves back over to David who’s seething in pain on the chair and picks him up and drives him knee first into the chair. David screams out in pain and El Rey smiles on the face of the jeering crowds and then grabs David and drags him to the ring and rolls him in. El Rey follows him in and quickly locks in a knee bar on the injured knee of David Goon. David quickly grabs the ropes to break the hold, but El Rey doesn’t release the hold. The ref counts to five and El Rey finally releases at five. El Rey then pulls David to the center of the ring and makes the cover, but David kicks out at two. El Rey quickly gets up and drops an elbow on the knee of David and then gets right back up, bounces off the ropes, and then drops another elbow to the injured knee and makes another cover attempt only for David to again kick out. El Rey slams his hand on the mat and yells at the ref for a slow count. El Rey then turns back to David and reaches down to grab David and pull him up, but David rolls him up in a small package, but El Rey kicks out. El Rey is quickly back up to his feet, but so is David and he’s on the champion quickly with a right and a chop and a right and a chop until he’s got El Rey against the ropes. El Rey bounces off and David lays him out with a clothesline on return. El Rey gets right back up and David lays him back down again with another clothesline. David has taken control and reaches down and picks El Rey up, but El Rey quickly responds with a low drop kick to the injured knee and David hits the mat hard.
Phillips: Just when Goon gets the advantage the champion takes advantage of the knee. This could be a long night for the SCCW star if he can’t end it soon.
El Rey crawls to the ropes and pulls himself up. He shakes off the violent blows from his opponent stalks David as he struggles to get up to his feet. Once he’s up El Rey charges in, but David is quick to counter with a drop toe hold and David quickly floats over and locks in a cross face. El Rey screams in pain and reaches for the bottom rope, but David has it locked in tight. The ref gets down and asks El Rey if he quits, but El Rey screams no. David wrenches in tighter and El Rey screams, but he won’t tap out. El Rey plants one foot on the mat and rolls onto his back and David’s shoulders are on the mat. 1…2…3! David Goon releases a split second too late and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion AND moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Phillips: What a tight finish by the champion, but again he retains the belt.
David Goon slams his hands on the mat in frustration as he watches El Rey slowly gets up to his feet and is handed his Junior Heavyweight Championship. David rolls out in frustration as El Rey celebrates in the ring.
A picture feed from off-site, out of state, possibly in Canada, appears on the screen. Magnus is standing against a non-descript brickwall. He is also wearing a pair of glasses, and has a really big fake mustache, so you can't prove it's him.
Magnus Masked: Good evening GUNS viewers. I am Gerry Gerrison, a member of the GUNS championship committee - who has regularly been drawing a salary from the company for the past four years, and has a complicated paper history that proves I'm an actual employee. The rest of the GUNS administrative team thought it would be a good idea for me to make a public appearance to show that I am very much real, and not some loop hole.
Now comes the hard part.
Magnus Masked: In reviewing the Valentine's Day Battle Royal for the Phoenix championship - we discovered that the winner, Disney's Marty Donovan - was not a legal entrant. Any auditors seeing this, we care about legalities here at GUNS. So all 117 members of the championship committee have decided that the only way to be fair to the participants that were eliminated by Marty, is to be given a shot at his title in similar circumstances...
So on GUNS MAY THE 4TH...
That Hardkore Flake Marty Donovan will defend the title in a FOUR-WAY-DANCE... against....
Mister Rip'N'Terror.
DINOSAUR BONES representing the hated CAR, and apparently himself.
...AND our very own, Redmond Fury.
This last announcement is hard for Magnus.
Magnus Masked: See... Gerry Gerrison has to be a real person, because there is NO WAY IN HELL that Magnus was going to give his roid raging douchebag ex-husband OF HIS a title shot. So..... THIS BETTER PUT RUMOURS OF MY BEING MADE UP FOR TAX FRAUD TO REST!
Gerry takes a second to compose himself.
Magnus Masked: Enjoy the rest of the show...
The signal cuts out.
Your "Raccoons should count as cars at KFC drive-thrus" Florida Man is sitting with his accountant.
Accountant: How did it come to this?
Florida Man (downing a Sixpack): You do you buddy.
Taking on a client like this, the accountant is probably from Florida.
Accountant: So when were you employed by REIGN?
Florida Man: I was just defending my title there because they looked sad, and I figured I could get to second base easy...
Accountant: So where are you now?
Florida Man: J-rok... but I is tryin' to get out of my contract.
Accountant: Even if you did - you would still have to get out of your second one.
Florida Man: Two contracts?!
Why would he be employed by J-rok twice? Oh wait! So angry he could spit, Florida Man charges off.
Accountant: Where are you going? We still have quite a few receipts to clarify. You can't write off cool whip sprays-
Florida Man (running off): Yes you can!
Meanwhile at Grady Memorial Hospital.
Reporter Chip Wilson walks the hallways.
Chip Wilson: The city of Atlanta is currently suffering for a nursing crisis, with many hospitals unable to field even one - with record numbers putting in requests to transfer to Grady Memorial. What disturbing secret is drawing the state's medical staff to this building like a mother to flame?
The ER door is kicked open.
Redmond Fury: Someone get me out of here! I have a rumble to win-
Lusty Nurse #273: If you don't take your medication you'll never pass out.
Redmond Fury: The kind of pills your pushing miss, and I'll be up all night.
EMERGENCY ROOM BRAWL
Redmond Fury vs. 500 Lusty Nurses
Unfortunately before the greatest match ever can get started - Fury tosses the Nurse into the cameraman-
STATIC.
The signal is only gone for a second before the camera returns to the ring.
Rival Recuiter Ozawa vs. Shoe Shine Syko
Phillips: Yes fans, Ozawa is apparently assessing if the Shoeshine guy has what it takes to get a contract with a rival promotion.... like probably J-RoK.
Shoeshine sets a fire in the ring.
Phillips: Arson? Too soon!
Ozawa stomps out the fire, only to scuff up his boot. This Is Syko's time to shine - sadly he's only in mod-polish when he takes Ozawa over with an anklelock.
Phillips: Could this be?
Florida Man absolutely LIVID that Ozawa signed him to a second J-RoK contracts, hits the ring, and then hits the rival recruiter.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as the result of a disqualification, Rival Recruiter Ozawa!
Florida Man continues to stomp a whole in Ozawa. Syko approaches to complain about the dq only to eat an eye gouge. A half dozen.GUNS enhancement talents run out of the back to protect their own.
Phillips: News of the IRS being in the arena has cost most of our regulars to no show. What your seeing represents the bulk of the locker room tonight, and they're no match for that meth dripping monster!
Florida Man attempts to eat Ozawa, and actually gets a full leg packed down his gullet before the GUNS superstars hit the ring. Heavily outnumbered this is where Florida Man's GFC KO power comes into play. Cobbs? KO! Discovery+ Ancient Alien? To the moon! Barry Cho? Five Star KO! Assistant Zamboni BANDIT? Never stood a chance!
Phillips: Florida Man is standing on a pile of GUNS wrestlers - can no one stop this maniac?
Eventually the security guards bust out their electrods. One, two, three, four, five, six - stun gun shots manage to get Florida Man enough of a buzz for the security to remove him from the ring. Just in time for Sylvia to announce the main event.
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first, from Hokkaido, Japan, he is the Heart of GUNS, DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arms outstretched and holding his X*Crown belt.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. He is completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, from Washington D.C, he stands at 6 FEET 3 INCHES TALL and weighs in at TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX POUNDS. IRWIN! R! SCHYSTER!
Irwin R. Schyster saunters down to the ring with way too much swagger for a 65-year-old who hasn't wrestled a match since 2007.
Phillips: As I live and breathe. I get to see an IRS match for the first time in my life! In-person!
IRS slides into the ring and begins to jaw off with Dylan. Dylan talks smack back to the WWF legend before IRS slaps the taste out of his mouth!
XHF X*Crown Championship Match
Dylan Black (c) vs Irwin R. Schyster
Dylan Black (c) vs Irwin R. Schyster
DING DING DING!
The X*Crown Champion swings wildly at IRS but the legend ducks underneath the punch and locks in the abdominal stretch! Dylan is getting stretched out by the old man as IRS laughs. A man who looks suspiciously like Mongo the Destroyer is seen laughing and throwing money at people in the front row! Dylan hip tosses IRS over his shoulder, probably breaking his hip while doing so. Dylan nails a few nasty stomps and does a little showboating, laying on the top rope while waiting for IRS to get up. Even in his old age, he gets up kind of quick and Dylan jumps down into a kick to the midsection. IRS lifts him up for a butterfly suplex! But Dylan grounds himself, he doesn't let IRS get him up. Dylan Irish whips IRS into the ropes and goes for a knee but IRS stops short and Dylan jumps up, before getting crotched by the challenger!
Phillips: Damn! Dylan's got the agility but IRS has that wisdom from wrestling since '81!
With Dylan holding his balls, IRS is able to hook him up and suplex him! Dylan's now holding his back and IRS light jogs the ropes for a knee drop! Dylan is getting his ass kicked by IRS! Just like your average American! With Dylan on the mat, IRS rolls him over and locks in an STF! Dylan's screaming in pain but he drags himself to the ropes, he latches onto the bottom rope and the ref begins to count IRS! One, two, three, four, IRS lets go at the last second, just like when the real IRS has to give you back your money. IRS lifts Dylan to his feet and tries to lift Dylan to his shoulders in a fireman's carry. Dylan drives an elbow into the side of Irwin's head and Mr. Wallstreet drops him. IRS turns around and Dylan nails a fast kick to the side of IRS's head!
Phillips: Where IRS excels in the old school no flips just fists style, Dylan has those explosive super moves that would make anyone crumble!
IRS is in a heap on the ground and Dylan grabs his arms, pulling them back before stomping on him with the DYNAMIC OUTRO! Dylan pins IRS with a one, two, three!
DING DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION, Dylan-
Before Sylvia can make the call the lights cut out and the intro to Code Orange's "Shatter" plays. The GUNS Arena EXPLODES as BRAY FUCKING WYATT COMES THROUGH THE CURTAIN, FLANKED BY UNCLE HOWDY!
Phillips: OH MY! AWF ALUMNI BRAY WYATT IS IN THE GUNS ZONE! And yes, I can say AWF. It's fine to acknowledge other wrestling companies as long as SOMEONE isn't breathing down my neck and screaming in my ear. Vince or Magnus? Who knows...
Bray and Uncle Howdy stalk the ring, circling like vultures as Dylan turns and turns, trying to keep an eye on both of them. Howdy and Bray climb onto opposite sides of the apron and there's a pause. A hushed silence. A #BEAT# for our Eastern European viewers. And Dylan turns and punches Howdy off the apron! But Bray clambers behind him and hits him with a double axe handle!
XHF X*Crown Championship Match
Two-on-One Handicap Match - Whoever Scores the Pin Wins the Title
Dylan Black (c) vs Bray Wyatt and Uncle Howdy
Two-on-One Handicap Match - Whoever Scores the Pin Wins the Title
Dylan Black (c) vs Bray Wyatt and Uncle Howdy
DING DING DING!
Phillips: Looks like the main event isn't over yet! But what's with this sudden attack and impromptu match?!
Howdy recovers on the apron as Dylan and Bray brawl in the ring. Bray tries an early mandible claw but Dylan bites down hard on the hand of the elder Rotunda brother. Dylan follows with a combo of punches and kicks that sent him flying into the corner. Before he can capitalize Uncle Howdy grabs him in a bearhug and holds his arms back behind his torso. Bray kips up and uses Dylan as a punching bag, hitting him with all sorts of stiff punches. Dylan is starting to look tired, the man just wrestled a 20-minute clinic before this heinous assault!
Bray grabs Dylan and bends him backward, grinning before planting a kiss on his forehead. He goes for Sister Abigail! But Dylan catches Bray's leg and sweeps the big man's legs out! Uncle Howdy grabs Dylan but Dylan drives his thumbs in Howdy's eyes! He then grabs the mask and RIPS IT OFF! GASP! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THAT'S-
Phillips: Bo Dallas! Brother of Bray Wyatt!
Phillips pauses.
Phillips: Oohhhhhhhhhh. It all makes sense now. Dylan beat up their dad and now the Rotunda brothers are taking their frustrations out on the X*Crown Champion! That's what they get for staying in the 'E, to be honest.
Bo Dallas is shocked that his disguise has been ruined and he lashes out with some brutal B-Team kicks! Dylan is stuffed into a corner and Bray and Bo both stomp the shit out of Dylan. The Wyatt 6 founders take a few steps back and Bo Irish whips Bray into Dylan for a cannonball, Dylan moves out of the way! Bray goes back first into the turnbuckles and crumples into the corner. Bo charges Dylan and eats a chop to the throat that downs him! Dylan stands over the downed Bo Dallas and rolls him over, grabbing his arms and STOMPING on him with a DYNAMIC OUTRO! Dylan slithers over Bo and the ref counts the one, two, three!
DING DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL the XHF X*Crown Champion, Dylan Black!
Phillips: The X*Crown Champion has done it again! Defeating one of the most mediocre royal families in all of sports entertainment!
Dylan Black celebrates with the titles in his hands as the show goes off the air.
