Gaijin Pigs [SF Tag 01]

[mosler]

“Top of ze Class had a heroic run, defending against teams zat technically qualified for shots. Zough none of ze challengers over ze past year really stood out as title contenders. One certainly wouldn't equates ze motley crews going after ze straps with tag wrestling... right up into ze Class loss. Am I suggesting zat Class consciously lost ze straps, because zey knew if zey held on one more month, zey couldn’t stack up to US? ...Zeir hearts certainly weren’t in zat last defence. So ze Black Knife Cabal are essentially ze Iron Sheik. Given a title shot zey didn’t earn, Cabal found zemselves in ze right place at ze right time. Good for zem. Ze Cabal are a footnote zat allowed ze real champions to save face, with Jack and Brendan acting as a transition. Congratulations Brendan, you are ze Florida Man of ze tag division, I’m sure zat will sit well with your spouse.

I zink many of ze XHF Network fans would like to see Randy win gold. Not so much Quake, zey tried zat already – it didn’t take. With his cushy announcing job, Randy is given more Global airtime zan any other Network star – it’s only reasonable for ze fans to hope he one-day picks up a branded belt. Only ze people, who REALLY know Randy, like J-RoK management, don’t trust him enough to even zrow him a Visual Kei shot. Yeah, ze only reality in which Randy is a champ is ze one where Quake drags him zere. Now Off ze Wagon has enough points to have challenged zose belts a dozen times during zis past ranking era. So ask yourselves, why didn’t zey? Did zey specifically fear Top of ze Class, or just not measuring up PERIOD? Truth is, zey might have made decent champions – who doesn’t love a cirrhosis joke? ...Ze problem is, zose bar flies waited too long. Prioritized other zings over ZIS division.

Happy Hour is coming to an end, and for dragging zeir heels; Wagon is going watch all zeir precious ranking points get flushed down ze drain. ...And ze closest zey will get to another shot? A rematch? …When ze Super Frenemies are taking zeir J-RoK tag titles at Night of Champions.”

On that prophetic note, the Final Boss bows to his audience, and this Rumble press conference comes to an end. A slow fade takes us to black, before returning to regularly scheduled TV Asahi programming...

*  *  *  *  *

Babymetal’s Moa Kikuchi dressed as Short Round, pours a bottle into a doggie bowl for her pet, Tobo. The pink dragon happily slurps it up.

TOBO:

ACK!

The cute animals eyes turn into X marks, as it keels over dead. Moa Kikuchi weeps over her pet’s corpse, which is bleeding heavily from the anus. How could this have happened?  Then examines the label on the bottle she fed him. ...Super Sake!

MOA KIKUCHI:

OH NO! SUPER SAKE KILLED TOBO!

Yes, the heavy metal idol might as well have given her pet cyanide, which at least has a better taste. Fortunately as Moa starts staging a funeral for the latest Super Sake victim, Zoran Sainovic comes across the tragic scene. Trying to cheer up the small child, the responsible drinker pulls out a bottle of Hitachino Nest – Red Rice Ale. The Saishū bosu offers a sympathetic smile with the vastly superior beverage. Accepting it with a polite nod, the young girl proceeds to pour the contents of this bottle on her homie’s grave.

TOBO:

WOOF! WOOF!

Wouldn’t you know it? The smooth refreshing taste of Hitachino Nest brought Tobo back to life! Is there anything it can’t do?

PRODUCT SHOT: Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale.

Announcer:
<Drink Like the Bosu, Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale!!!>

Back at the pet cemetery, the Saishū Bosu finishes off the bottle.

Zoran Sainovic:

SO GOOD!

MOA & TOBO:

WE LOVE YOU, SAISHŪ BOSU!

All the mourners, who are mostly stuffed toys, bust out Red Rice Ale and have a wild party!

* * * * *

The commercial ends, and with it also goes the colour, as the channel begins to play a black and white film.

Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale Detective Theatre

Presents

“Gaijin Pigs”

Boston, Massachusetts. One of America's greatest cities. A population of seven hundred and seventy thousand spanning over ninety square miles. Just forty miles North of where the first immigrants landed centuries ago, this dirty old city is filled to the brim with some of the greatest sights on the Atlantic Ocean. But it is also filled with dirty, nasty, awful things. Dirty cops. Nasty crime. And international espionage. Such as in the case of one young, spunky private eye whose world is about to be turned upside down.

DYLAN BLACK IS... Detective Justice Beiber
...And ZORAN SAINOVIC AS Cochise

Episode 106 "Gaijin Pigs Drink Irresponsibly"

Scene One

Every cop has their big break. Their one big case. The one that puts them on the map and helps them stand out from the other average Joes on the force. But every cop also has that one case they couldn't solve. The one that got away. For Justice Beiber, that was the devastating fire. A pyromaniac burned down the city and despite his best efforts, the leads turned nothing up. He was disgraced and made a mockery of. At least, they turned nothing up until now.

Detective Beiber was sitting at his desk, a cup of joe steaming as he pours over a case file. Captain Anno walks in.

Captain Anno: Detective Beiber. Some new work has been filed. The Mad Kitten-Stasher has been at it again, three mew kittens have been found in trees across the city...

Detective Beiber (clearly doesn't want to be an actor and is being forced to appear due to his good friend's sponsorship contract): That bastard is going to pay for stashing those kittens! I wouldn't mind an easy case, Captain.

Captain Anno: ...and there are new leads on that arson case.

Detective Beiber: I said I'll take the Mad Kitten-Stasher, sir.

Captain Anno: Stupid rookie. You've been assigned the arson beat.

Detective Beiber: Come on, Captain. You know I can get the Kitten-Stasher!

Captain Anno: Son, I know you lost some family in a fire and you couldn't close the case but try to be optimistic. Perhaps this could be the same arsonist. Either way, I'm assigning you a partner on the case.

Detective Beiber: A partner?

“Oh hell no!”

A door slams open, almost shattering the glass, as a salty veteran - with his gun drawn - enters the room.

Cochise: Captain, we both know I work better alone! I am not babysitting some wet behind-ze-ears rookie.

Captain Anno: You’re going to babysit the wet behind-the-ears rookie, and you’re going to like it, Cochise! No excuses! Make it work! Don’t quit at the first sign of trouble – what do you think this is? Peter Cain’s marriage?

Cringe. No this is a lot more healthy and stable than that. Looks like the veteran has a new partner.

Cochise (holstering his gun): ...I’m getting too old for zis shit.

Scene Two

Cochise was the gritty seen-it-all done-it-all senior detective who had his fair share of success on the force. Most famously known for his triad of undercover operations taking down maggia "Maverick" Jay Laurie of the Icon Family, "Rey" Emiliano Combatiente of the Venöm Family (son of the famous crime lord Venöm who had a penchant for dino bones), and Steve Adamson of the Awesome Family (who himself had ties to Hollywood and headed some awful Bollywood-level movies). Cochise was a legend in the precinct for these takedowns and had served his time. Just a short time away from retirement, Cochise is eager to make this an open-and-shut case and steal one last glory before retirement.

Cochise stands leaning against Beiber's desk, arms folded as he is talking to Beiber, who looks through the one-way glass to the interrogation room.

Cochise: Zat is ze perp in interrogation.

A small Japanese man sits at the table, looking incredibly nervous.

Detective Beiber: Tell me about him.

Cochise (standing up and walking next to Beiber): Kenji Irwin. Owner of ze buildings zat were burned down. Has no past convictions or felonies but it's totally possibly zat zis could be an insurance scam. Burn ze buildings, take ze money and move back to Japan. Remember, his people aren't looked upon favorably.

Note about the '40s time period here.

Detective Beiber: So we have probable cause, we can place him at the scene of the crime, and he has no alibi the night of the fire. Hit him for arson and several counts of manslaughter.

Cochise (lighting a cigarette): Exactly, his alibi is as flimsy as Brendan Harding’s marriage. Hit him where it hurts. We'll have zis closed before dinner.

Detective Beiber: Leave it to me.

Cochise: I'm forty-eight hours to retirement. Don't mess zis up, rookie.

Beiber nods and walks into the room to find Kenji Irwin dead. His head literally shoved up his own ass.... but in a way where he can't retract it like usual.

Detective Beiber: Shit. We've got a problem, sir.

Cochise (walking into ze room to see Irwin dead): Dammit Justice! Who taught you to interrogate zat hard? Ze only place zis perp is going to be doing flips... is in hell.

Detective Beiber: He was already dead when I got here-

Cochise (eyes narrow): Rule number one. If you're going too rough a perp up until he can't breathe, at least own it.

Detective Beiber: I never laid a hand on him.

Cochise: We're going to need a patsy... hey Phelps-

Officer Phelps: Yes, sir?

Cochise: Irwin's assistant?

Officer Phelps (handing over a notepad): I have in interrogation room number 4.

Cochise (looking over notes): Nausi Carlotta. Exotic. Sounds like a nazi to me.

Detective Beiber: Aren't you German?

Cochise (ignoring the rookie): Zanks Phelps. Let's rattle zis bird's cage- and see what falls out.

The two men enter interrogation room number four.

Detective Beiber: Miss Carlotta?

The scaly face of a woman who gets way too much sun, and thinks green paint is the height of Paris fashion, gives the young detective a toothy grin.

Nausi Carlotta: Diggity dang, big boy - aren't you a tall glass of water!

Cochise (V.O.): She was giving it away, like Kris Quake handing out poison moonshine.

Detective Beiber: Miss Carlotta, how well did you know Kenji Irwin.

Nausi Carlotta: Ol' Glass Jaw was my main squeeze, despite him being hilariously impotent.

Cochise: If something were to happen to Irwin, is it true zat you stand to inherit his real estate empire?

Nausi Carlotta: Yeah right. That good for nothing prick, ain't good for nothin' but keepin' me down!

Cochise (ignoring her): And yet apparently Irwin was so taken with your feminine wiles zat he did just zat... so you had every reason to want to off your incredibly lazy lover.

While Cochise pontificates and Beiber takes notes, a bored Nausi Carlotta decides to shoot up some heroin. As was the fashion of the day.

Detective Beiber: She almost got away with it too...

Nausi Carlotta: urrrrrkk...

Foaming at the mouth, the woman in a lizard's skin slumps forward on the desk. Eyes rolling back in her head, Nausi spasms a few times before coming to a rest. Beiber is quick to check her pulse, while Cochise snatches a syringe from her arm.

Cochise: When will zey start frisking perps?

Detective Beiber: She's dead.

Cochise: Zat'll make it easier to finger her for your Irwin kill. …Which brings us back too... WHO are we going to PIN ze arson on now?

There's a scream from behind them and the detectives turn to see a woman being DRAGGED into a cell.

Dar Price (drunk tank): LET ME OUT OR I'LL FUCK YOU UP!

The Gaijin Pigs share knowing looks.