Corpse Shuffle [SF Tag 02]

[Dylan]

Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale Detective Theatre

Presents

“Gaijin Pigs”

DYLAN BLACK IS... Detective Justice Beiber
...And ZORAN SAINOVIC AS Cochise

Episode 107 "Corpse Shuffle"

Scene Three

With the suspects dead in the interrogation room it felt like we had lost the case before it started. The coroners carted the corpses out and one sneered as he walked past. With the room cleared, Dar Price is cuffed and dragged in while Phelps tells us about that rabid wolf.

Officer Phelps: Darlene Price. Militant anarchist who has a thing for lighting things on fire. We caught her burning trash cans in a local park. Chased her a few streets and bagged her.

Detective Beiber: That park's a ten minute walk to Irwin's buildings. We might have a chance to tie her to some of this.

Cochise: Zis may be our best bet to figure ze case out. Let's go in.

Beiber goes to make a move into the interrogation room but Cochise puts a hand on his chest.

Cochise: Patience, rookie. Before we go in zere I have a sort of peace offering for ze new suspect.

Cochise lifts a case of alcohol in his hand and a smile cracks onto his face.

Detective Beiber: This feels illegal.

Cochise nods and lifts a finger to his lips before stepping into the interrogation room.

Cut. Cochise stands leaning against the door while Beiber sits across a table from Dar. She glares daggers at the private eye but is decked out in so many chains it'd make Houdini grin. Beiber leans forward, hands clasped in front of him.

Detective Beiber: Mrs. Price. I hope you're ready to answer some questions.

Dar Price: Don't call me that. "Mrs. Price" was my mother.

Detective Beiber: Noted. Now, our officers caught you lighting trash cans on fire this morning. Seems you have a penchant for burning things down. Mind telling us where you were the night of January 8th?

Dar Price (spits): Why I was just minding my own business in the middle of town. Wandering the streets in that light snow, desperately wanting to make snow angels and frolic.

Detective Beiber: Mhm. And anyone who can verify you were not at the scene of the big fire that night?

Dar Price (grinning) Why my Big Bad Wolf of course.

Detective Beiber: Anyone else?

Dar Price shakes her head. Cochise pulls out am alcoholic beverage and cracks it open and puts it on the table in front of Dar, before pulling out a key and undoing the binds that hold her

Cochise (icy tone): I will let you free for ze moment. Help us out and we will fulfill your needs. Any funny business, you'll never see ze light of day again.

Dar's hands shoot forward for the bottle and she downs that in a heartbeat, before slamming the bottle down on the table. Cochise smiles and lights a cigarette.

Cochise: So you have half an alibi and love to light things on fire. Who's to say you weren't ze arsonist zat caused ze fire ze night of January 8th?

Dar Price (shrugging): The way of the flame works in mysterious ways.

The Gaijin Pigs share a glance. Cochise puts another bottle on the table and cracks it for Dar.

Detective Beiber: Did you know Kenji Irwin, the man who owned the buildings that burned down?

Dar Price: Not well. He hired me for a few odd jobs, handling vermin if you know what I mean.

Detective Beiber takes notes.

Cochise: Handling vermin... am I safe to assume zese aren't rats and pigeons but rather real people?

She nods.

Detective Beiber: Did Irwin have many enemies?

Dar Price: Well just about everyone had a thing against him.

Cochise: You mean zat in ze racial sense or?

Dar Price (shaking her head): Nah. Mister "Irwin," if that's even his real name, pissed off plenty of employees who worked in his buildings. I'd wager any of them could have torched the place.

Another crack. Another bottle in front of the anarchist. Dar barely tastes it going down.

Dar Price: But the worst part about Kenji is he was always late on payments. He ghosted me for a whole year after I took a job and when he came back he paid dearly for it. Frankly I think he got what was coming for him. I hope he BURNS IN HELL!

Detective Beiber takes some notes while Cochise puts a fourth bottle in front of Dar. She downs it, swaying a bit, and Cochise chains her back up.

Cochise: Rookie, let's step out a minute.

Cut to the detectives standing outside the interrogation room.

Cochise: So she definitely has a thing for Mr. Irwin. But so do a lot of people apparently.

Detective Beiber: Yeah, probably because of the whole World War right now.

Period piece baby.

Cochise: But she has probable cause to torch ze place. Not to mention no solid alibi.

Detective Beiber: You think we have our perp?

Cochise: I'm certain of it. Let's see if we can get a  confession out of her.

The detectives walk back into the room with a camera. Dar is slumped forward on the table. Cochise kicks her.

Detective Beiber: Get up Dar. We know you worked for Irwin and you had a motive for burning his building down. You love to burn things, hell we caught you lighting trash cans this morning. You burned the place down to hurt him, but in turn slaughtered hundreds, thousands of others. You even admitted to being in the area that night. You are being charged with arson, disturbing the peace, and several counts of manslaughter. You'll never see the light of day again!

Detective Beiber slams his hands down in front of her.

Detective Beiber: Confess to your crimes dammit!

But Dar doesn't move. In fact, she's too still for comfort. Cochise walks beside her and kicks her, and the chair falls over with her chained to it.

Detective Beiber: What the...

Cochise puts two fingers to the side of her neck for a moment, before shaking his head. She's dead.

Detective Beiber: I don't understand... what were you giving her?

Cochise pulls the last bottle out.

Cochise: Super Sake... dammit. She must have been poisoned. I'll take zis to forensics for testing.

Scene Four

The weight of three dead suspects hanging heavily on Cochise’s possible pension, it feels like an eternity for the Gaijin Pigs to make their way back to the lockers.

Detective Beiber: One thing I don’t get- did that look like a fatal amount of heroin to you?

Cochise: Nah, I’d still be able to feel a Jack Gaines interview after zat. Ze broad must have had a delicate disposition...

Detective Beiber: ...She didn’t seem all that delicate to me.

Eyes widening, the best mismatched pair on the force race back up to the interrogation area, just in time to see-

Nausi Carlotta: HE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN IT UP FOR YOU, BUT YOU STILL COULDN’T FIND IT!

The Lizard in a woman’s skin is very much alive, and trying to strangle a prostitute affectionately known as Big Bottom Bottom Bitch. Bieber tries to talk the situation down, while Cochise is quick to pull his gun.

Cochise: Let go of ze whore, Nazi, or I’ll fill you so full of lead – we can donate you for ze relief effort!

Detective Beiber: There is no need to be jealous – other than her giant posterior, this diseased prostitute has nothing to offer. I’m sure she couldn’t woo Irwin from y-

*BANG*

As always, Cochise attempts to shoot the suspect, only to miss completely and murder Big Bottom in cold blood. The killing shocks Nausi to the point where Beiber is able to get some cuffs on the gator looking floozy. The gunshot also draws the ire of Captain Anno.

Captain Anno: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE? AND WHY IS PHELPS TELLING ME THAT WE HAVE THIRTEEN DEAD BODIES IN INTERROGATION?

Cochise (waving down Bieber): Yes, Zirteen.

This is bad. Beiber looks down and suddenly notices something that brings a smile to his face.

Detective Beiber: Captain, we just caught the Kitten-stasher!

Big Bottom Bottom Bitch has a cat shoved in her mouth, the object Nausi was trying to suffocate her with.

Captain Anno: You’re going to make detective first grade for this-

Cochise: …Make zat fourteen.

Before everyone can celebrate, Beiber looks down to find that Kitten-stasher has given herself a lethal injection of heroin this time.

Captain Anno: BEIBER!!!

Scene Five.

The Captain was not happy. He blasted me for hours about how fourteen suspects died in my care and how Cochise and I were no closer to solving this case. And to make matters worse, some evidence went missing from the evidence lockup while we were busy carting corpses around. But I didn't care. Cochise went to forensics then went to check the evidence lockup and suggested I get out and breathe some fresh air. He offered to meet up at a local diner later today. I was sitting in a booth, staring into the coffee in front of me. A bell dings and heavy footsteps approach.

Cochise (sitting across from Beiber): Well zis case is dead on arrival. I feel like Brendan Harding’s marriage counsellor. Captain Anno was none to happy.

Detective Beiber: He suggested I either solve this case or start looking for a new line of work. What did forensics find with the Super Sake?

Cochise: Poisoned. As we suspected. I bought it off ze wagon that goes around the city selling booze and ze guy told me to "Drink Responsibly" but, I don't zink his intentions were good. And the evidence lockup, a few guys in a gang known as ze Black Knife Cabal came in and stole crucial evidence from a case my son was attached to. But not just zat, Irwin's body was in its place. Zose coroners, zey were phoneys. I believe zey were the Black Knife Cabal ze whole time.

Detective Beiber: Your son was a cop?

Cochise (shrugs): He certainly had ze hat for it.

Detective Beiber: Great. So there's a wagon selling poisoned sake, a gang that stole evidence, the arsonist is at large. At least we got the Kitten-Stasher.

Cochise: Zis all has to be connected somehow. It's no coincidence zis occurs all at once. We need to find ze common denominator.

Detective Beiber: I mean, the lockup evidence is connected to you. My family died in a fire. And the wagon selling sake... they stopped right for you, right?

Cochise: Yes?

Detective Beiber: Oh my god. Call me a conspiracist, but what if WE are the missing link?!

Cochise (brushing that off): Oh come come. Even you have to see you're pulling at strings zere.

Detective Beiber: Think about it old man. That wagon stopped at you and then kept going. Sold to no one else. There's no coincidence that whoever gave you the booze off the wagon thought you would drink it. They didn't count on overloading a suspect with poison though. You were supposed to be dead so that Cabal gang could steal the evidence tied to your son, dump Irwin in that locker. He was a suspect for me so that was supposed to frame me as the guy stealing evidence and they would get off scot free with the evidence.

Cochise (following along): Which means zat we need to find the evidence and we'll bag the evil Sake spokespeople and ze guys who took what mattered most to my son!

Detective Beiber: But where do we start?

Cochise: Easy. We find who said "Drink Responsibly" and we nail him in the dick.

The two men nod in understanding. No longer a makeshift rookie and veteran team, the duo now have common ground. Can these hardboiled gumshoes track down the missing evidence, or is this the end of the Gaijin Pigs?