Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 11:19:43 GMT -5
Original Title:
"That time Kira decided to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair, shitting into a bag."
"That time Kira decided to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair, shitting into a bag."
(The forest through the trees.)
(Stomping through a wooded area, the videographer breaks a large stick under foot. The cracking sound is followed by a deep growl.)
(A large black bear shuffles through fallen leaves. Orange, red, and yellow – the changing colours of autumn seem to kick the large beasts need to store fat into overdrive. What luck to come across a plump XHF camera operator. Frozen in place, the videographer can’t remember if he’s supposed to look big or duck and cover. If he had a desk, he’d crawl under it.)
(Another growl leads the curious bear closer to the shaking image. He doesn’t want to move, but the shaking seems to inexplicably pan him to the left, where Radu Matei is leaning against a tree. Obscured by a large oak, Deathless raises a crooked finger to his lips.)
(That doesn’t inspire confidence.)
(Smiling sadly, The Sacrificial Idol steps between the camera and the threat. Reaching into his side bag, Matei pulls out a fistful of palm-weevil larvae, which he tosses to the hungry predator. All the cameraman can think of is those zoo signs that helpfully illustrate “DON’T FEED THE ANIMALS.” The videographer isn’t sure how many bugs it would take to satiate the beasts’ appetite, but takes some solace in the fact that if anyone has enough insects, it’s Radu Matei.)
(Having finished his snack, the bear growls again.)
(Removing his sack, Matei tosses it into the bushes. With the juicy grubs distracting our bear, the two men slowly back away.)
Radu Matei: That should buy us a few minutes.
Videographer: Let’s run – my truck is-
Radu Matei: Run? What ever for? That (thumbing towards the animal) is why we’re here.
Videographer: Are you insane? Do you have some sort of death wish?
(Beat.)
Radu Matei: The first round of the tag team annihilator sees me and my partner, Anthony Caffrey, involved in a tables, ladders and bears match. Everyone knows, with tables – I’m just as likely to find myself being thrown through twenty of them acting as a human shield for Caffrey in the time it takes us to get our opponents through one each. Likewise with ladders, I’m kind of known for my horrific falls. So when I saw the division of danger, I told Caff – you take the ladders and tables, I got the bears. Nature of both wrestling and partnership, I’m sure we’ll be dealing with the threats equally – but as a man of my word, I figured it would make sense to get up close and personal with the fur factor.
(Another growl send the camera moving faster, but Deathless keeps up a deliberate pace, forcing the image to stay with him. To remain calm.)
Radu Matei: I am hoping that the bears in question are lumberjacks consisting of popular XHF personalities like Goldbear II, Mecha Gold-bear III, Triple B and all the rest. Trained professionals. Untrained animals I would have a very hard time justifying defending myself against. Principles around animal cruelty, you understand.
(Pulling out another sack that seems to be moving, Deathless tosses it in an opposite shrub to buy a little more time.)
Radu Matei: But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
(The Sacrificial Idol strikes a heroic pose.)
Radu Matei: XHF! A pleasure to see you again.
At last years’ Night of Champions I enjoyed making your acquaintance with a SWAT heavyweight title defense against admittedly lesser company. Over a year later, and I was finally able to cross fists with non-SWAT talent at All That Glitters. I am happy to complete this trifecta of firsts, as I step foot on another promotion’s ground. And what a promotion!
J-ROK! I have long waited for this pleasure.
If you’re familiar with my work, you will know that I bleed Puroresu.
My quirk? Covering my downed opponents in bugs. Hardly the move of a fan favourite, and yet, somehow they cheer me. Why? The abuses I put my body through are severe. By comparison, the visceral shudder my opponents go through having a maggot on their chest is frankly comical. Two years ago, I came to a SWAT that was in need of a blood transfusion. I won their world title and did just that, polishing its gold to a fine lustre with my gore. Dying to give it life. If your Puroresu fans enjoy FIGHTING SPIRIT, you will find it bursting out of the broken husk before you. By the same extension, if you want to watch KING’S ROAD STYLE... I only have one move, and that’s dropping my opponents on their heads.
I am made for Japan.
And I always thought that J-ROK and SWAT could have a good working arrangement.
(Taking pity on the videographer, Matei starts to walk again.)
Radu Matei: Which brings us to the drama. A former SWAT star, with strong ties to current management, was recorded saying some VERY offensive things involving antiquated views towards women. Things I don’t agree with. While Syndicate Wrestling continues to deal with the fallout, the masked owner of J-ROK decided to take it upon himself to clarify your stance that sexism was wrong. Good. That is a good stance to have. In the course of his statement, he mentioned that sexists would not be welcome in J-ROK. I whole-heartedly approve. What made me slightly uncomfortable was that he specifically mentioned sexist wrestlers from MY promotion... didn’t mention it by name, but the way I interpreted it, it sounded like we were somehow more susceptible to these unacceptable thoughts than other XHF members.
So I would like to set the record straight, not all of SWAT is sexist.
Our Amazon – woman’s division – has always been the pride of the company.
If you followed my career you would know that I have exclusively worked with Lucky Linda LaFey, Joanne Canelli, Suzi Spitz, and Jade. My best matches, and the closest I came to losing my championship, were always against female athletes.
If you followed my career you would know that I have exclusively worked with Lucky Linda LaFey, Joanne Canelli, Suzi Spitz, and Jade. My best matches, and the closest I came to losing my championship, were always against female athletes.
Knowing about these sexist attitudes, why do I continue to be loyal to SWAT?
We just had a memorial show to our friends Tanner and Packer. Two of a dozen great people that made up the fabric of SWAT. Syndicate Wrestling used to be like the XHF, a governing body with dozens of territories under it, each with a rich history and unique culture. The Caribbean. Arizona. Atlantic Coast. Australia. Japan. Dixie. The Backyard – the list goes on and on. Trying to cut it off at the head to spite a few men, ignores the contributions and history of thousands more.
We just had a memorial show to our friends Tanner and Packer. Two of a dozen great people that made up the fabric of SWAT. Syndicate Wrestling used to be like the XHF, a governing body with dozens of territories under it, each with a rich history and unique culture. The Caribbean. Arizona. Atlantic Coast. Australia. Japan. Dixie. The Backyard – the list goes on and on. Trying to cut it off at the head to spite a few men, ignores the contributions and history of thousands more.
So I am not a pig, but I am SWAT.
If that means this is the last time I can appear in a J-ROK ring, then I had better make the most of the opportunity, and soak in their amazing fans. I like you, J-ROK, and I enjoy what you do.
If that means this is the last time I can appear in a J-ROK ring, then I had better make the most of the opportunity, and soak in their amazing fans. I like you, J-ROK, and I enjoy what you do.
So let's drop some heads.
(Strong finish, the camera turns tail to run.)
Radu Matei: As for The Mistress...
(God damn it. The camera turns back to Matei, firmly expecting a bear to come bounding out of the bushes.)
Radu Matei: She is one of the most devastating submission artists in the XHF; there is absolutely no shame in quitting to her. In fact, if the tournament plays out to online gambling expectations – I envision our paths crossing in the finals. If The Mistress puts me in so much as a wristlock, I’m liable to tap out on principle. Oh, I’ll give it my all, because of my great respect for her – but I’ll be damned glad I have a partner of Anthony Caffrey’s quality to have my back, and keep me from giving into my principles.
(Deathless drops another sack of grubs.)
Radu Matei: But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Masters of the Mat.
Kira Izami. One of the busiest performers in the XHF, Kira has graced almost every federation on the Network on his way to being a poster boy for J-ROK. Having previously picked up gold in the AWF - even if I think that CopyCat was robbed - I know you are not the kind of customer to sleep on. If your claims of box office drawing are to be taken at face value, the fans are indeed in for a treat. My knowledge of Carnivore is significantly less, but anyone who Izami deems worthy of tagging with him is no slouch. Point is, Caffrey is multiple time X Crown champion, I have a record setting SWAT world title run... but when I look at you two, your list of accomplishments might not be the prestige your suggesting, but I know that this is going to be a pretty evenly matched contest. A worthy first round.
Besides which, I would be lying, if I said you weren’t on the short list of XHF performers I was hoping to test myself against, Kira. Thoroughly looking forwards to a contest of mutual respect.
(Smile fades.)
Radu Matei: ...Then you called me a bitch.
(Did the world just get darker?)
Radu Matei: This isn’t Ru Paul’s Drag Race, where that term can be thrown around like it has no meaning. In the spirit of avoiding language that might be considered derogatory to women, that isn’t really a term that has any place in a more inclusive wrestling environment. The type of environment in which wrestling comes first, and job boys – such as yourselves – make it out of the ring relatively unscathed without spending the rest of the month, feeding from tubes like vegatables.
Your extensive research, which seems to be vague fishing in chatrooms, has me built up as a zombie? While I’ll admit to being a walking corpse, that is more due to the amount of damage sustained over a long career of death matches, than any supernatural walking dead gimmick. Though it is nice to know that as a corpse, (rolls eyes) I should get busy living. Carnivore, you are clearly the brains of that outfit. It is a real testament to the quality of your character that Kira would have been way better off with Greg Adkins. Let that sink in.
No, I’m all about getting beat on like a practice dummy.
Hit your moves. The nerves they might have effected died a LONG time ago. So throw everything you have at me. Get higher and higher on the adrenaline with every successful hit. Keep telling yourself that the next suplex just might seal the deal. Euphoria. As you put me down like a dog, remember the assumption you made that I was dead.
Focus on the hereafter.
You will never have your moves look as good as when I’m being knocked about like a rag doll.
Feel the joy of wrestling nirvana.
...Because when you touch the heavens, and have never been more confident in your abilities?
That is EXACTLY when I DROP YOU ON YOUR FUCKING HEADS.
How long has oxygen been deprived from the brain? Does it matter? When you wake up in the hospital unable to feel your legs, catheter being attached - another losing effort but more action than you've seen in years, and the doctor asks if you can remember what your name is. You take a long hard look in the mirror, re-examine your terminology, reflect on it, then look up at him through bloodshot eyes and respond honestly...
That your name is bitch.
(You get the feeling that given how vulnerable Matei feels around questions of perceived inequality, that Kira’s sexist putdown may have gotten the J-ROK star into trouble. Perhaps next time he can lean on the term childfucker instead?)
(All warmth having escaped Radu Matei’s war torn face, the cameraman seems more confident in their current position. Almost like he expects Matei to punch that bear the fuck out.)
(He could.)
(...But he’s saving it for Kira.)
Radu Matei: I appear to have used all my non-painful creepy crawlies to feed our voracious friend. So the question now, Masters of the Mat – after I have fed you to the bears, what should I cover your defecated remains in? Would you prefer fire ants, giant hornets or scorpions?
Perhaps J-ROK can run a poll.
Perhaps J-ROK can run a poll.
(Deathless returns to the hungry bear, leaving the camera behind.)