.::The XHF Network Presents: The Rumble 2023!::.
Apr 30, 2023 22:33:45 GMT -5
Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001), Dave D-Flipz, and 11 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Apr 30, 2023 22:33:45 GMT -5
The XHF Network Presents: The Rumble
Time: April 30th, 2023
Location: Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts
Theme: "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce
As “Through the Fire and the Flames” by Dragonforce begins to echo throughout the speakers of the sold out Gilette Stadium in Foxborough, MA, the camera begins zooming in on the arena from afar, as if on a drone. The view of the stadium shows the capacity crowd on their feet in a raw, writhing mass of humanity ready to see some meaty men slap meat. The drone circles the stadium from above and slowly descends towards the center of the arena as it rotates. As the heavier drums and guitar licks kick in, we cut to the overhead cam they use for kickoffs at Patriots games and it jets along the sideline getting a great view of the crowd behind the hard cam. They all leap to their feet and point at the big screen as they appear on the tron. Smash cut to the camera over the 50 yard line which goes right over the middle of the ring, it zooms by showing the crowd in the expensive seats, the ring emblazoned with the XHF logo in the center of the mat, and then back to the crowd on the side opposite the hard cam.
"On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign, we ride towards the fight
When the darkness has fallen down, and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight"
In flames of death's eternal reign, we ride towards the fight
When the darkness has fallen down, and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight"
As the lyrics begin, the camera snaps to the view from one of the ringside cameramen. They stroll around the ring showing off the Rumble themed ring apron and video LEDs on the ring posts. A quick spin shows off the entryway set which leads towards the home team entrance tunnel, looming large over it sits the Xtremetron.
"Fighting hard, fighting on for the steel, through the wastelands evermore
The scattered souls will feel the hell, bodies wasted on the shores
On the blackest plains in hell's domain, we watch them as they go
In fire and pain, now once again, we know"
The scattered souls will feel the hell, bodies wasted on the shores
On the blackest plains in hell's domain, we watch them as they go
In fire and pain, now once again, we know"
The camera cuts to the commentary camera as we get our first look at XHF Stalwart Joey Hawke who salutes to the camera with two fingers, next to him sits Randy Angel who is too busy guzzling from a 3 gallon jug of Super Sake to notice the camera. As the chorus begins we fade into a video package.
"So now we fly ever free
We're free before the thunderstorm
On towards the wilderness, our quest carries on
Far beyond the sundown, far beyond the moonlight
Deep inside our hearts and all our souls"
We're free before the thunderstorm
On towards the wilderness, our quest carries on
Far beyond the sundown, far beyond the moonlight
Deep inside our hearts and all our souls"
On the screen we see images of the Thespian as he fights inside the hellacious steel structure for the NLW World Title. Cut to the Midnight Animals all giving a spirited promo to camera. A quick kawaii salute from Ai Moe as she turns and sprints to the ring for a match … fading into a clip from a movie parody being produced as the beleaguered Al Jabroni tries to shuttle Blobby off set. Cut to Daisuke Miyazaki in tag team action as a huge move is landed leading to a near fall and a smirk to the hard cam from the elder statesman. Fade into Cheez being hoisted onto the shoulders of his partner Wellington Dunne as they hold the NLW tag team titles. Until the screen is shattered by a knife blade cutting through it and laughter as we see the young son of a phenom, El Rey holding his Junior Heavyweight title as he watches Zoran Sainovic training for the rumble. The text on screen reads: “NLW’s last stand. Who will emerge the royalty of the juniors?”
"So far away, we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames, we carry on"
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames, we carry on"
The screen goes black then fades in on Kris Quake standing in the ring in silhouette. He slowly steps forward bulging all his muscles out, he raises both arms pouring vitamins and super sake down his throat and over his body. He sprays them at the camera as Randy Angel pops up in front of him in a bathrobe that reads, “Nelly Angel” and yells WOOO! Quake stops what he’s doing and shakes his head, he grabs Randy and tries to remove the robe and shows him how to properly pose like a corn snake. Fade to two men sitting on a private boat, sitting in leisure and sipping Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale. They raise a toast to the banner above reading, “Three Time X*Crown Champ Club”. They both laugh as we fade into two men sitting cross-legged on the floor. They stare out the window. The camera spins to show the outside is a scorched city block, destruction everywhere. We spin back to see them holding their tag team championships. Brendan Harding raises a hand … and in it is a black knife … which he throws at the camera and shatters the screen. “Who will exhibit tag team dominance?”
"As the red day is dawning
And the lightning cracks the sky
They'll raise their hands to the heavens above
With resentment in their eyes
Running back through the mid-morning light
There's a burning in my heart
We're banished from a time in a fallen land
To a life beyond the stars"
And the lightning cracks the sky
They'll raise their hands to the heavens above
With resentment in their eyes
Running back through the mid-morning light
There's a burning in my heart
We're banished from a time in a fallen land
To a life beyond the stars"
The video shows clips from each of the previous Network Era rumbles, showcasing the multitudes of men and women in the ring. We see images of Cheez dumping wrestler after wrestler over the ropes in a shocking performance. Cross Recoba pants with exhaustion staring down five other men in the ring with a smile on his face. Death Trap dumps six men over the ropes over a time lapse of over two hours before getting eliminated by Anthony Caffrey. Bloodied Fox dishes out strikes and punishment to a rumble full of people. We freeze on his face as the mask is pulled off his compatriot showing Seth Dillinger. A stunner parade hits the screen as Donzig unloads on everyone and anyone who moves. We see him scowl and stroke his beard before getting treated to Lord Dominicus with the dick punch montage. We next see Jack Diamond as he stares down the final opponent in the ring with him … Rob Arnold. As Jack charges the scene shifts to the same scenario, final two, Jack attacking Anthony Caffrey, cut to a side by side of him sitting outside the ring, head in his hands on both occasions. Steve Awesome gets the thigh slap montage to end all montages and smiles at his own quips … before his guts spill over the ring and we see the glowing red after effect doctored eyes of the Final Boss sporting two chain blades on his arms. A sick scowl on his face as he launches Steve into the sake barrels before launching Bloodied Fox over the ropes to win the rumble. Zoom in on the title as he holds it high to zoom out to show it in the hands of Dylan Black standing in the middle of the ring holding it as well. The camera zooms in on his face as his eyes flash white and we fade … “Only one can etch their names in history…” … Cut back to the commentary as the long-ass song plays in the background. Cheers are deafening as the crowd is ready to begin.
Randy: WOOOO RUMBLE TIME BABY! I’ll drink to that!
Hawke: You’ll drink to anything.
Randy: HELL YEAH! I’ll drink to that! *he is on his second jug of sake*
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2023 XHF Rumble! This is a more intimate affair than previous examples of this event but we still have a stacked roster of talent competing to walk out the XHF X*Crown Champion.
Randy: Yeah and the champ, that murderer Dylan Black, stupidly signed away his chance to retain because Quakey and I are gonna turn his balls into peanut butter in the tag title match!
Hawke visibly winces at this … having seen it play out once before …
Hawke: We’ll get to that. Tonight, Dylan defends his X*Crown as the final entrant in a rumble loaded with former champions and many seeking that first taste of glory.
Randy: Yeah, Jack Diamond, Death Trap, Dylan, Zoran Sainovic, Steve Awesome … all looking to keep adding to their padded resumes *hic*. But don’t count out the little guys. My money is on Dana “The Drone” Daniels! Never underestimate the power of a whipped bitch bee scorned!
Hawke: Not to mention the rising stars of Bloodied Fox, Cross Recoba, Alexander von Blankenship. Underdog stories like Cheez, former world champs like Lord Dominicus, crazy folks like Natasha, or surprise fan favorites like Marquise BEEEEEEEEEF!
Randy: Oh I wanna see him team with the Tilted Cartridges. BEEEEEF WELLINGTON AND CHEEZ!
The graphic for the rumble on the tron switches to the tag team title three-way match. The fans go wild and Randy stands at the desk and raises his arms to the crowd. He pops a few buttons on his button-down and then tries to climb onto the desk but stumbles and lands back in his chair.
Randy: TONIGHT! TONIGHT! Tonight we’re gonna rock you tonight boys! This title win will be presented to you by Super Sake! DRINK A LOT! RESPONSIBLY!
Hawke:Quite … well it will be Off the Wag-
Randy:SUPER SAKE PRESENTS! … Off the Wagon.
Hawke: Yes that. Those guys facing the super team of the only three time X*Crown champs in XHF history, Dylan and Zoran – the Super Frienemies. And both teams trying to win the titles off the newly crowned champs Black Knife Cabal.
Randy: Sure, they managed to take the titles from a team that held onto them for almost a YEAR but … the real teams just didn’t wanna be seen within a city block of Death Trap’s hat.
Hawke: What’s the plan to win those titles tonight?
Randy: NUT SHOTS FOR EVERYONE! SAKE SHOTS FOR ME AND QUAKE!
Joey nods … and then shakes his head with a smirk. The graphic changes to the Junior Heavyweight title match graphic.
Hawke: But before that, our opening bout for the night is a seven person elimination match for the prestigious XHF Junior Heavyweight Championships. This dates back to the old XHF and has become one of the top prizes for our rosters. Such names as Lord Dominicus, Myojin, Bloodied Fox, and uh … Florida .. Man … have had this belt in recent times. The current champion, El Rey…
Randy: VENOM JUNIOR!
From seemingly nowhere we hear a scream echo throughout the arena of “DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!”
Randy: *Ahem* Yes well, El Rey has to defend against the last coming of his original home fed. And I gotta say, the last time a person in a chicken costume fought for a network title we ended up with months of shows broadcast from inside a *burp* bear. RIVETING TV! I’M HERE FOR IT! FOGGY NELSON!
Hawke: That’s Foggy Lee Gorn.
Randy: EL POLLO LOCO!
Hawke: Yes well, we will see Foggy and El Rey in the ring with multi-time champion Ai Moe, rising Tapout star Thespian, wannabe artist Al Jabroni, former NLW Tag Champ Cheez, and father of former XHF Junior Heavyweight champ Daigo Arakawa, Diasuke Miyazaki.
Randy: What exactly is the stipulation for this match, Joey?
Hawke: I’m being told it’s a checklist eliminator. Each elimination must take place by a different win condition. Meaning if Al Jabroni pins Cheez, no more pin falls will be counted, better make Jabroni tap out.
Randy: I can’t wait any longer! Let’s get this show on the road!
XHF in-ring announcer, and secretary to the big boss himself, Bonnie Jenkins stands in the ring with a microphone.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is a seven person Checklist Eliminator Match! Each elimination must take place via a different win condition. Available options are pinfall, submission, DQ, KO or referee stoppage, not meeting a ten count such as in a last man standing, table, first blood, and for the final elimination only … count out or retrieving the belt from above via a ladder. This will be the last stand of Next Level Wrestling. Entering the ring first!
“Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” by the Offspring hits the arena as the crowd begins to stand and get hyped for this match. Al Jabroni steps onto the stage and appears to be reciting from a script. He stops, looks up, sees the crowd and acts shocked and surprised! He tosses the script behind him and derobes before marching down to the ring to some mild applause and a very select few raucous fans shouting for him. He rolls into the ring and takes a bow.
Bonnie Jenkins: From Des Moines, Iowa. Standing five feet seven inches and weighing in at one hundred and forty-five pounds … Your Parents’ Favorite Ham and Egger … AL JABRONI!
Randy: I don’t get it.
Hawke: Nobody does, but the guy has shown a lot of potential in the past.
"Richard Allen George...No, It’s Just Cheez" by Less Than Jake now begins to play as Cheez nervously walks onto the stage. He waves to the crowd and then eyes up the ring. His awkward look changes as he smirks and he sprints to the ring. He stops short of it however and gently rolls into the ring before rising to his feet and climbing the turnbuckle to raise his arms to a very mixed reaction from the crowd.
Randy: This guy is *belch* underrated.
Hawke:A lot of experts think he could be great if he could get out of his own way and just freely wrestle.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering second, from Madison, Wisconsin. At five foot seven inches and one hundred seventy-three pounds … your kids’ fourth favorite Twitch streamer … CHEEZ!
Randy: I prefer SmallAnt or PointCrow myself.
Hawke: … Those are animals, Randy. Silly drunk.
“Winner” by My First Story begins to play as the fans begin to cheer. Daisuke Miyazaki steps onto the stage and stops at the top of the ramp. He takes it all in and raises his arms to the fans before walking down the ramp and around the ring. He gets to the back corner and steps up the steel stairs and to the apron. From here he strolls along to the middle of the ring opposite the hard cam and gestures to the crowd before stepping between the ropes and moving to the middle of the ring with his arms out as the cheers drown out the sound of his theme song.
Bonnie Jenkins: And next, from Kitamoto, Saitama, Japan. Weighing two hundred and twenty pounds and standing five feet eleven inches … the Shogun … DAISUKE MIYAZAKI
Randy:I don’t know anything about him.
Hawke: He has a strong pedigree as the father of Daigo Arakawa and mentor to many young Japanese stars.
The lights dim and a spotlight illuminates the stage as “Edgecrusher” by Fear Factory begins to blare from the sound system. Gillette Stadium rises to their feet to see the attraction as the chicken masked man known as Foggy Lee Gorn steps to the stage and paces back and forth in the light, looking around at the crowd. He locks eyes with the men in the ring and walking down the ramp. He rolls into the ring and walks to a corner, eyeing up his competition.
Bonnie Jenkins:And next, from the Deep South … standing at six feet and three inches tall and weighing in at two hundred pounds even … the Midnight Animal … ”FOGGY” LEE GORN!
Randy: Why … is he a chicken?
Hawke: Why are you a drunk?
Randy: … why not?
“Bad Boy” by Red Velvet hits the speakers and the strobe lights go into high effect. Ai Moe skips onto the stage and perches at the top of the ramp. She does a little dance step and then poses in that standard sideways V over the eye kawaii pose as the crowd cheers. She skips to the ring and climbs the steps on the hard cam side of the entryway side of the ring. She steps onto the apron and hooks her arms behind her back over the top rope, blows a kiss to the crowd as several middle aged men in the front row faint. She backflips over the ropes and into the ring and poses again.
Randy: She claims to be a multi-time champ but I’VE never seen her win. And she’s like 22 … is she really that good?
Hawke: I’m sorry I was distracted by our colleague from GUNS Tom Phillips who has fainted in the front row. I think he was trying to get her to sign … an illicit DVD?
Bonnie Jenkins: Next to the ring, at five feet even and a trim one hundred pounds flat … fighting out of Mito, Ibaraki, Japan … she is the Kawaii Supernova … AI MOE!
The lights flicker for a moment in the arena before dimming completely. An awkward silence takes the arena, but it does not last long. A singular spotlight shines towards the staging area to reveal a masked figure; the Interpreter. He raises his gloved hands… and begins to gesture with them as the accordion from Burn the Ballroom’s “Whisper” pulls those in attendance in…
The Interpreter takes a bow as the chaotic drums and guitar drown out the trance-like melody from before. From the back, the Thespian walks out and meets up with his companion. A hand gently pulls his cohort upright as they both mimic crazed laughs to the music. As the music calms down, so do their demeanor. As they makes their way towards the ring, they both raise their hands, and begin to swing to and fro like conductors of an orchestra to the lyrics of the first verse.
"Come in
Sit down sweet angel
Leave me all your tears
Tell me
All of your troubles
The weight of your short years
Love is
Only a river
Drowning all of your cheer
Sell me
all of your laughter
And I will take some of your fear"
Sit down sweet angel
Leave me all your tears
Tell me
All of your troubles
The weight of your short years
Love is
Only a river
Drowning all of your cheer
Sell me
all of your laughter
And I will take some of your fear"
The Interpreter takes a bow as the chaotic drums and guitar drown out the trance-like melody from before. From the back, the Thespian walks out and meets up with his companion. A hand gently pulls his cohort upright as they both mimic crazed laughs to the music. As the music calms down, so do their demeanor. As they makes their way towards the ring, they both raise their hands, and begin to swing to and fro like conductors of an orchestra to the lyrics of the first verse.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing next, accompanied to the ring by his Interpreter! From the Theater, weighing in at one-hundred and ninety-five pounds and standing at five feet and nine inches ... THE THESPIAN!!
Upon reaching the ring, the Interpreter takes the steps up and slips in between the ropes without missing a single flourish of the hand. He sits on the middle rope and shoulders the first for the Thespian, who gives him a courteous bow before slipping in-between them. As the first verse and chorus finishes up, the Thespian takes one more bow to the audience as his music begins to fade out. Upon straightening back up one more time, his posture begins to relax as he shakes his limbs out in anticipation for the match. The Interpreter, on the other hand, slips down to ringside.
Hawke: Now this is a competitor who excites me, Theo is a master in the ring and is on the rise over in TAPOUT right now.
Randy: He has no face … like that guy from that fantasy thing …
Hawke: … No-Face?
Randy: The Question!
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise for the king of all wolves now arrives.”
“All rise for the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echoes over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Bonnie Jenkins: And finally, he is the reigning and defending XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion … wrestling out of Atlanta, Georgia. He stands at five feet and ten inches tall, weighing in at two hundred and three pounds … he is … EL REY!
Randy: And here’s the champ. *sips from a goblet of sake* I like his style. He is a former X*Crown Champ you know, Joey.
Hawke: Indeed, he is. He has a ton of talent, as one would expect of the son of the hall of famer, Venom, trained by the legend, Scorpion.
Randy: And also by that future eunich … Zoran!
Hawke: I think it’s about time for us to get this show underway!
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
NLW's Last Stand Multi-Person Elimination Match
El Rey (c) vs The Thespian vs Ai Moe vs Daisuke Miyazaki vs Al Jabroni vs Cheez vs Foggy Lee Gorn
DING! DING! DING!
The referee calls for the bell and the seven wrestlers all begin to look around at each other, deciding on their first course of action. Thespian begins to slowly approach El Rey, cracking his knuckles as he goes. Rey stands up straight and smirks before telling him to bring it on. As Theo moves in, Rey ducks under the ropes to the floor laughing. Al takes this time to try and get in a cheap shot to the back of Thespian. The forearm causes him to stumble and then stand up straight. He turns around and stares down Jabroni through his eyeless face. Jabroni just looks at his arm, back to Theo, back to his arm … then laughs and tries to pass it off as a joke. Theo shrugs and lays him out with a right hand to the face.
Hawke: The champ already getting out of dodge and letting the chaos of this match take hold.
Randy: It doesn’t look like Al Jabroni had much pop behind that attack. Thespian just knocked the taste out of his mouth.
The resident Pollo Loco begins to maneuver around the lactose avenger. The cheddar head doesn’t look concerned, but is careful in his approach. Ai Moe and Daisuke begin to grapple for position in the center of the ring. We get to see the clash of styles play out as Moe and Miyazaki begin to have a true wrestling contest, Theo continues to stomp the life out of a cringing Al, and Foggy swings wild clubbing blows at Cheez who keeps dodging, using his speed to his advantage. Meanwhile the champ has pulled up a chair and sits at ringside and shoots the shit with Randy.
Randy: Oh I know, nobody believes in us but you watch! We’ll take down your mentor! … … I mean his nuts are his one weakness! Along with all those other weaknesses!
Hawke: Randy… can you focus?
Randy: But Rey brought me a margarita!
Gorn finally lands a big forearm shot to the chest of Cheez sending him reeling into the corner. He presses his cluck and tries for another stiff shot, but Cheez melts out of the corner and between his legs pulling them out sending the chicken beak first into the turnbuckle pad. Daisuke has a double leg takedown blocked by Moe, the supernova responds by pulling him up and kicking him in the chest before unloading a flurry of hopping kicks to the thigh. Miyazaki catches one and drops her leg to catch her in a belly to belly suplex. Ai however lands on her feet and poses with a taunt to the crowd. She gets caught from behind by a clothesline to the back by Miyazaki. Thespian has Jabroni to his feet and is backing him up to the ropes with a collar and elbow tie-up. Al tries to break it with an arm drag reversal but Theo holds the ropes and allows Jabroni to flop to the mat holding Thespian’s arm. A shotgun dropkick to the back sends Thespian flying over the top rope and crashing to the apron. Cheez laughs as he runs off the opposing ropes, only to be caught on his return trip with a powerslam from the Shogun. Foggy wastes no time grabbing the free Jabroni and tossing him into the corner in a seated position. Cowering and begging him to wait, Jabroni begins to pitch a movie idea to Foggy. Foggy buries a boot in the midsection of the cowering Jabroni. He then steps back and begins to hit multiple face washes in the corner as Jabroni gets rattled. From behind the chicken man is caught in a waist lock and met with a German Suplex and a bridge by Daisuke.
ONE!
Kickout.
Hawke:Fast paced action early on. El Rey has managed to stay off the radar-
Randy: He stole my Doritos …
Hawke: -and is now watching as the other six fighters trade attacks. Except for Al Jabroni, who seems to be a bit out of his depth so far.
Randy: What? Citizen Crane would have been a GREAT movie. All bird people actors? Foggy missed a great opportunity.
As Hawke and Rey facepalm at the announce table, we catch up with Thespian on the apron fighting off a flurry of strikes through the ropes by the Kawaii supernova. He reaches over and grabs her hair pulling her into a suplex grip. She hooks the ropes to avoid being pulled out of the ring and eventually manages to drop the throat of the formerly mute superstar onto the top rope. He recoils. She leaps up to the middle rope and springboards up and catches him with an even harder guillotine on the rope sending him flopping to the apron holding his neck in agony. Moe turns to run for a sliding dropkick but she gets one step in the other direction before Cheez catches her with a spinning heel kick. Miyazaki has the chicken man hooked for a gutwrench suplex but Gorn blocks the attempt. He flips the shogun into a gut wrench of his own, landing with a big back beaker. Daisuke rolls away. El Rey leaves the announce table and creeps up to the ring. As Theo gets to his feet and looks to re-enter the ring, Rey sneaks under him and powerbombs him off the apron to the floor with authority!
Randy: Oooh I felt that one.
Hawke: He may not be the most honorable wrestler, but El Rey is a prodigy and very cunning.
Rey wastes no time sprinting to the corner where Jabroni is still seated and leaping up with a dropkick form the floor, landing on the apron, sending Jabroni through the middle and bottom ropes to the apron. He then springboards up to the middle rope and leaps over the corner itself and catches Jabroni with a double foot stomp to the spine on the other apron.
Hawke: WHAT A MOVE! Oh man, Al is gonna be walking funny for a while after that.
Al crumples to the floor as El Rey sticks his tongue out and laughs at the loser. As Rey turns, he spots his next target. Gorn and Cheez are now trading right hands in the ring. The champ springboards up to the top rope and leaps off with a big flying double dropkick. He kips up and hits a standing moonsault onto Ai Moe.
ONE!
Kickout!
Moe rolls away after kicking out. Daisuke comes from behind and locks in a full nelson on the champ. Rey struggles and manages to drop to his knees and send Miyazaki over with a variation on a snap mare. The shogun rolls through and plants knee strike to the side of the head of the champ. Rey pops to his feet holding his cheek. He swings wildly with a haymaker but Miyazaki catches the arm and spins him through and plants him with a DDT. The elder statesmen fires up and grabs at the rising Lee Gorn. Northern lights suplex!
ONE!
Kickout!
Randy: Wow the old guy is pretty good.
Hawke: He has trained XHF Champions such as Daigo Arakawa and Raiden Ishimori.
Randy: Nobody knows who they are. *sips from a Sons of Loki mug for sale at XHFmerch.com*
Thespian is slowly rising to his feet on the outside. He sees the crawling Al Jabroni on the other side of the ring and begins to stalk his new target. Jabroni stumbles to his feet and then hunches over in pain, avoiding a high kick from Theo. Al then drops to his knees to dry heave, allowing a back fist to sail right over him. He rolls onto his back to arch it in pain, somehow avoiding a punt to the gut.
Randy: Hey! He’s nipping my style! Drunken man!
Hawke: I think he’s just overly dramatic and very lucky. He doesn’t even know the silent man is right next to him yet…
Sure enough, Theo finally just grabs him by the hair and Al’s eyes go wide. In the ring, Daisuke has El Rey wrapped up in a rear waist lock and is rolling him around the ring, trying to wear him down. Cheez and Ai Moe are both being bludgeoned by wild brawling strikes from the angry Lee Gorn. The two smaller fighters nod to each other and begin to send fists to the chest of the bigger gallus wrestlicus. He clotheslines them both to the mat. Foggy takes a minute to hold his chest where Ai and Cheez were assaulting. The ref meanwhile is asking El Rey if he submits as Daisuke has him in a torture rack. Theo arms his right hand to slap Al but stops himself, he leans in and asks … “What do you even know how to do?” Al just stammers and then gets an idea, he looks where the ref is, out of sight. He holds up one finger. “I can do this!” He drops down and buries his right arm in the jewels of the faceless man. Thespian collapses holding his bits as Jabroni employs his signature move of running away screaming like a little girl. Theo just punches the mat in annoyance and pain.
Randy: Hey … he stole my strategy. Now Zoran will know what to look out for!
Hawke: Pretty sure that was already a foregone conclusion Randy.
Al slides into the ring, bumping his knees on the apron as he does, and screams, running right into Miyazaki. Rey uses the momentum shift to drop Daisuke with a neckbreaker. Al falls on both men.
ONE!
Kickout by both men.
Al backs away right into Foggy, who turns around and begins clubbing him with overhand shots. Cheez sends a chop block to the left knee of the chicken man as Moe sweeps out the right knee, collapsing the powerful fighter to the mat. Al sees his chance and hits a thunderous knee strike to the beak that echoes through the arena. … And then he recoils, falling to the mat holding his knee and yelling for a medic. Gorn wobbles but stays on his one knee position and shakes his head out. This doesn’t last as Ai Moe grabs him by the hand, yanking him to his feet and pulling him into a ripcord and hitting him in the face with her butt.
Randy: TWILIGHT DANCE! That looked more … sexy than painful.
Hawke: It can be both Randy.
Randy: Those old men and Tom in the front row all just got nosebleeds.
On the outside, the interpreter tends to the needs of Thespian, who is sitting down holding his junk. The ref begins to check on him and the interpreter quite angrily asks him how he missed that! In the ring Jabroni has crawled to a corner, and is immediately sandwiched into the turnbuckle by a stinger splash by Cheez.
Randy: KAMIKAZE SQUIRREL! … That’s misleading, he didn’t hurt himself at all. I CALL HAX! I bet he uses revives during a nuzlocke that disingenuous bastard.
Hawke: Uh yeah … I never had an Atari 2600 but I’m sure Cheez does!
Randy: … how are you so old?
Foggy is busy being stretched out in an abdominal stretch by Ai Moe, she playfully slaps his ass and wiggles her own while posing to the fans as Lee Gorn clucks in disapproval. El Rey sends Miyazaki into the corner with an Irish whip and springs in running up his chest and leaping off with a backflip. As he lands on his feet, the champ hauls the shogun out of the corner and flips over him into a reverse DDT.
Hawke: While the Love’s So Pure is locked in on the chicken, El Rey plants the Shogun with the El Rey-tio Variation 2!
Randy:Woo the action is starting to get hot and heavy! Like Tom Phillips watching that submission hold. Time to up my drink game. *pulls out a souvenir drink from the concessions, loaded with XHF stars*
Hawke: We got commemorative drink cups?
Randy: HELLZ YEAH! I needed a way to remember winning the tag titles later! And also drink sake a lot!
Hawke: Responsibly?
Randy: I don’t do anything responsibly, Haw-*hic*
Cheez backs up and charges in again for another attack. Al, for his troubles, falls to the mat. This sends the cheddar header slamming into the turnbuckle. Jabroni sees his chance and kicks the front of the leg of his attacker, which sends Cheez face first into the padding of the turnbuckle. Lee manages to overpower the Kawaii Supernova and hit a hip toss to plant her on the mat. El Rey comes flying from behind him and leaps over him while he’s hunched and plants him with a leg drop bulldog, right on top of Ai Moe!
Hawke: That’s the Tribute by El Rey and the champ is really firing up!
Rey leaps to the top rope looking to end it for both his downed foes, when Miyazaki comes from nowhere and grabs the top rope, leaping up with an enzuigiri to the side of the head. The champ collapses to the top rope and Daisuke grabs him and hits a saito suplex off the ropes!!
Randy: AVALANCHE SAITAMA SPIN! The champ is in trouble! Looks like he shoulda brought his stabbing knife!
In the corner Al Jabroni just repeatedly rams Cheez’s face into the turnbuckle. The fans count, they’re at 15. Jabroni laughs until Cheez finally grabs the top rope and holds himself steady. His head is red and raw and he wears a scowl. He spins Jabroni into the corner and unloads with a series of strikes before whipping him to the opposite corner and charging in! KAMIKAZE SQUIRREL! He holds Jabroni and whips him to the original corner. Jabroni takes it chest first but gets his hands tangled in the pad. Cheez charges for another splash but Jabroni ducks away, pulling the pad with him. Miyazaki pins Rey, distracting the ref.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Cheez slams face first into the exposed buckle and stumbles back. He lands at the ref’s feet gushing blood. The ref calls for a bell!
DING DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of first blood, CHEEZ HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Randy: Look at Al tie that pad back onto the turnbuckle. He knew what he was doing.
Hawke: I doubt it but now the gamer guy is gone from this match and we have our first elimination.
The ref escorts Cheez from the ring. Cheez is dazed and confused and slowly walks to the back to prepare for the rumble and get cleaned up. Ai Moe begins to stir, she sends some downed kicks to the prone shoulder of Lee Gorn. Daisuke wraps up El Rey and deadlifts him for a German Suplex.
ONE!
Rey grabs the ropes.
Jabroni sits in the corner laughing about his victory over Cheez. This doesn’t last as Thespian slides into the ring and begins stomping a mudhole into the beleaguered wrestler. He hauls Jabroni from the corner and plants him with a jumping DDT. Moe is to her feet. She backs up for a running knee to Foggy but Thespian catches her and spins her into a reverse STO to the mat. Gorn is able to push to his feet and get beak to nose with Miyazaki. El Rey wisely rolls out of the ring again. He reaches under the ring and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles, he laughs as he points to his head while staring down the camera. Theo pins Ai.
ONE!
TW-Kickout.
Hawke: What is the champ doing? A DQ is still in play.
Randy: Silly Joey, he won’t get caught.
Gorn and Daisuke begin to trade heavy handed blows in the middle of the ring. The move towards Theo and Ai. A rogue headbutt from Gorn cracks the stage actor in the back of the head, sending him sprawling. Moe takes advantage by locking in a front chancery and yelling for him to tap. The Shogun and the Midnight Animal continue to brawl in the ring before the more seasoned wrestler gets the advantage and ducks a haymaker to run to the ropes. A cross body block sends Gorn to the mat. Popping to his feet, Miyazaki sprints to the opposite ropes and gets a shot to the small of the back from the brass knucks. He crumples to his knees in agony allowing Foggy to charge in and nail him with a Shining Wizard. El Rey just moves out of the way of the Shogun tumbling from the ring through the ropes.
Randy: SHININ’ GIZZARD!
Hawke: That may have taken Daisuke out for good.
The ref begins a ten count for the KO finish as Gorn stands and admires his handy work. El Rey scampers around the ring out of the ref’s sight. At this point Jabroni climbs into the ring … and trips on the lower rope and stumbles face first into the chest of Ai Moe. She looks down at him in confusion, having just found her footing. He just looks at her … not moving his head … until she kicks him square in the Jabronies.
Randy and Hawke: OOOOOOF!
Jabroni tears up as he rolls out of the ring again. Ai dusts off her hands and poses for the crowd. She sees Theo getting to his feet. Meanwhile the ref is at five with no motion from the Shogun. A stiff kick to the chest sends the faceless one to a standing position where she kicks him in the head with a roundhouse. She backs up to the ropes looking to end it with her Love is a Battlefield bit she crumples to her knees holding her spine. El Rey scampers away on the outside, laughing. Theo recovers and shakes out the cobwebs. At nine, Daisuke is on his feet outside. Lee shrugs then launches himself through the ropes with a suicide dive. Both men lay on the outside rolling around in pain. Thespian looks at Ai and mimes a deep heavy sigh before slapping the taste out of her mouth with a left handed slap.
Hawke: Oh he hit her with Melpomene! That’s the Life’s a Tragedy. Fitting since Ai Moe is the only one in this match who regularly uses submissions to try and win.
Randy: Why is that fitting? *BUURRRRRRRP, pulls out a holy grail themed goblet of sake*
Hawke: Just watch.
Gorn and Miyazaki slowly pull to their feet, using each other for leverage. The big chicken gets the quick advantage and begins to beat down the shogun with overhand axe handles. El Rey meanwhile suddenly finds his brass knucks stolen by a sneaking Al Jabroni. In the ring, Thespian has an abdominal stretch on Ai Moe and he is wiggling his hips while slapping her ass. The old men in the crowd all faint again.
Randy: Well … that’s unusually inappropriate for a man like Theo …
Hawke: He’s mimicking Moe’s own moves against her, he saw the brass knuckle shot and is now working over he back.
Randy: Oh he’s working SOMETHING.
Moe refuses to tap. Theo finally releases the hold … then hits the break a leg kicking out her vertical base. Once on her knees she is set up for the Exquisite Catastrophe. Theo checks for Rey outside then runs off the ropes and BAM! Busaiko knee to the head. Moe rolls to her back but this just lets him lock in the rolling boston crab that she calls Lover’s Clutch. She quickly taps out.
Hawke: With her own move…
Bonnie Jenkins: Thanks to a submission, AI MOE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Foggy hurls Miyazaki into the ring. Before he can follow he gets plowed into by a sprinting Jabroni. El Rey skids to a stop before crashing into them both. Gorn yanks the knucks from Al and tosses them away. El Rey just laughs and mimes to him to go ahead. Gorn hauls Al to his feet but Al pokes him in the eyes, which somehow works through the mask. El Rey sneakily reaches under the ring and pulls out a table while Jabroni unloads a slap fest to the chest of Lee. In the ring Miyazaki stumbles to his feet and into view of the Thespian. Theo begins to unload on him with hard right hands. This seems to snap the Shogun to life as he also unloads on Theo. A headlock by Thespian gets reversed into a swinging neckbreaker. Gorn snaps to life and grabs Jabroni by the throat. He lifts him up for a choke bomb but Jabroni manages to kick him in the gut and wiggle free and then falls into a hurricanrana!
Randy: OH! AN ACTUAL MOVE!
Hawke: That was the Catch-22! But he can’t pin Gorn outside the ring, maybe hope for the ten count?
Sure enough the ref begins to count. Meanwhile El Rey has set up the table and now turns … only to get met by a windmill punch from Jabroni. Then another and another.
Hawke: Lucky Punch! Al Jabroni has life!
The ref is at 3. In the ring Miyazaki lifts up Theo and gets a punch to the gut for his trouble. Theo lets out a laugh but Daisuke knows the routine and doesn’t wait for the slap to come. He instead hits a saito suplex, the Saitama Spin! The ref is busy though at five on his count so Miyazaki just hauls Thespian to his feet and hooks the wrist looking for the Death Valley Driver. El Rey is just trying to turtle as Jabroni shouts with a rage he never knew he had! At seven, Gorn is to his feet but leans on the apron for balance. Rey ducks behind him and lets the windmill punches hit the staggered chicken. Theo manages to wriggle free with elbows to the head and avoid the big move. He hits a headbutt followed by a flurry of chops and palm strikes to stun Daisuke before laughing…. And unloading a slap with his right hand.
Hawke: Thalia connects, there’s the Life’s a Comedy!
Randy: Well Miyazaki is a seasoned veteran he’s going to know how to counter his own moves right?
Jabroni manages to press his advantage with some well-placed sloppy kicks and punches to the bigger man. El Rey scampers away to the side of the ring and begins to set up tables. He has four in total and is setting them up as two stacks of 2 next to each other. The Shogun manages to avoid the Saitama Spin and hits a half hatch suplex! He leaps to the ropes, springboards off into an elbow drop.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Thespian.
Jabroni backs up and sprints at Gorn before hitting a meteora that was likely meant to be a dropkick but he forgot to get his legs out. Gorn crashes into the ring apron and crumples. Jabroni jumps around in joy. Miyazaki gets the crowd behind him and leaps to the ropes. He springboards off but Thespian kips up and catches him with a folding powerbomb!
Hawke: OH NO! That’s Daisuke’s own Mada Mada!
Randy: Yeah but Theo is too tired to pin. Both men *hic* are down. *Sips from a sake mimosa*
El Rey is still building his table stack. Gorn manages to block another windmill punch as he stands. He wearily shoves the smaller Al back. Al comes at him again with kicks. Foggy catches his leg and hoists him up for a flapjack but Al grabs the top rope and pulls onto the apron. He dances around avoiding punches and pinging the chest of Gorn over and over trying to stay on the offensive. Meanwhile Thespian and Daisuke are to their feet and trading forearm shots. Miyazaki manages to hit a headbutt, after stumbling backwards Thespian retaliates with a sigh then a quick left right slap combo followed by a laugh.
Randy: Uh oh. I don’t think Daisuke realizes what that was.
Hawke: Masks of the Theater.
Shogun hooks him for a suplex but Theo punches him in the ribs and changes the grip. He hooks the wrist and the leg and hoists him up … wrist-clutch DVD!
Hawke: SHOGUN’S CONQUEST!!!!
Theo pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of a pinfall … DAISUKE MIYAZAKI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
El Rey sees this and begins to plot … he grabs a ladder from under the ring and slides it into the ring in anticipation of the final two. He then ducks behind the tables to wait. Thespian falls to his bottom in the ring in exhaustion as Daisuke is led out. Al manages to finally square a kick right to the jaw of Gorn and stumble him. He leaps off for the catch-22 again but Gorn holds onto him! He hoists him right back up and then powerbombs him right through the table that El Rey set up!!!!
Randy: HOLY SHIT HE BROKE *HIC* IN HALF!
Hawke: Wait isn’t that an elimina-
Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of being put through a table … AL JABRONI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED
Gorn looks satisfied and laughs. His glee turns to sorrow rather quickly.
Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of using a weapon in view of the referee, hence being disqualified … LEE GORN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED
Gorn stomps around on the outside in rage as he is escorted out. Theo stands up to watch him leave, then looks up as the belt is lowered over the ring. All that’s left is to climb the ladder, KO the opponent, or win via count out for this fall. El Rey sprints into the ring from behind and quickly buries his small switchblade into the ribs of Thespian who shouts in agony and recoils as blood spurts.
Randy: Well he can’t be DQ’d anymore so I guess this is what El Rey has been waiting for.
Hawke: Deplorable, this could have been a great one on one and he starts it like that?
El Rey laughs and the ref removes the blade, telling him not to do that again. Rey mocks the ref, but behind his back, Theo rises to his feet. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a belt …
Randy: Wait what? He had a fake blood pouch running all around his body?
Hawke: He is an actor after all …
Rey turns around and Theo headbutts him hard, blood spattering the faceless mask of Thespian from the now busted nose of the champ. A flurry of kicks follows as Rey retreats to the corner. The crowd erupts in cheers as Thespian mounts the second turnbuckle and rains down punches to the champion. One, Two … Five Six … Ten … Fifteen … after twenty shots he leaps down and pulls El Rey into a tornado DDT! He stands up, asks the ref to count and takes a bow with a flourish. Idrissa applauds on the outside.
One, Two.
Rey rolls onto his stomach and spits blood. His lip is also busted.
Three. Four. Rey crawls to the ropes. Thespian picks up the ladder. Five. Six. The champion pulls on the middle rope, shaking out the cobwebs. Seven. He is standing. BAM. He is prone on the mat. The ladder has been used like a battering ram. Theo cracks his neck and waits for him to stumble up. BAM! Another shot to the back. Stalking his prey, Thespian loads the ladder for another ram. El Rey dodges it and leaps over the top rope, grabbing the ladder and yanking it down as he falls to the outside causing it to bounce up. Theo has to release the grip or break his wrists as the ladder bounces. This allows Rey to slide back into the ring and spear him with a double leg takedown, the ladder landing across the back of El Rey and the arms and knees of Thespian.
Hawke: Business has picked up something fierce here folks.
Randy: I wish I had some super sake flavored popcorn! … *he pours his sake onto some popcorn and munches greedily*
Rey shoves the ladder off of them and holds his back for a moment before hitting a spinning leg crush to the right shin of his foe. Theo manages to pull him in and locks in a guillotine choke. Rey does a handstand to release some of the pressure and comes down with both knees to the gut releasing the hold. The champ staggers to his feet and falls against the top rope. He eyes up the ladder. As Thespian rises, Rey grabs him and looks to hit the X’d Out onto the ladder but Theo locks their legs together. He spins out of the hold and catches the forearm shot directed his way. A laugh and a right handed slap later and Rey is foaming at the mouth with rage at being slapped. Theo shrugs as Rey looks mad … but then Theo steals a move right from El Rey’s X*Crown defense playbook and kicks him in the dick. Rey’s eyes bug out of his head as Theo laughs. Rey stumbles back then smirks. He knocks on his crotch with a thud, he’s wearing a cup. An Athletic Cup? Memaw would know. Rey yells out as he barrels in for a clothesline but Theo ducks, locks in the rear waist lock, hooks the arms and hits the X’d Out onto the ladder!
Hawke: HE used El Rey’s own move to plant him neck first on that ladder!
Theo pulls Rey’s hair and then slams him face first off the ladder. The GUNS star rolls out to the apron holding his face in pain. Theo senses his chance and grabs the ladder. He takes his time setting it up. He begins to slowly climb it. El Rey rises on the apron and springboards off the top rope to land on the ladder opposite him. He punches Theo through the rungs. A quick retaliation and both men drop to the mat. They tangle up and Thespian gets the upper hand and shoves Rey back and clotheslines him over the top rope. A slingshot plancha later and both men are on the outside. Theo stands holding his gut. Rey begins to crawl away. Theo slowly finds his quarry and gives chase. He barrels in but stops short with a skid as the wily cunning champ grabs the interpreter and shoves him in the way. Theo manages to stop in time but Rey dropkicks Idrissa in the back and the two friends butt heads before Rey hits the X’d out to the Interpreter and immediately hits a superkick to Theo, both men down as the champ puts his hands on his knees to catch his breath.
Randy: He isn’t the champ for nothing, that was very cunning.
Hawke: I don’t know how this is going to end. Rey slides into the ring so he may be trying to end it.
The ref begins the ten count but Theo is slowly crawling to the barricade by two. El Rey shakes out his arms and legs and begins to climb the ladder. He stalls halfway when a trash can sails past his head. Idrissa has thrown it. El Rey shouts at him to cut the crap and stay down. A kendo stick flies at him. Rey just flips off the manager and begins climbing, only to see a recovered Theo sliding in behind him. He is quickly pulled off the ladder and into an electric chair position before being dropped hard to the mat. Rey reaches into his tights and pulls out a piece of metal shaped like a wedge. He isn’t fast enough to completely stop the running v-trigger knee… but he is fast enough to get the wedge to the same spot. Rey’s head snaps back and he collapses in a heap but Theo grasps his right knee in agony.
Randy: Heh heh, ago-knee.
Hawke: What?
Randy: What?
Hawke: Stop listening to the voices in your head! El Rey just got blasted by that Exquisite Catastrophe but that metal wedge may have shattered the right kneecap of his opponent.
Idrissa pounds the mat for his ward to climb the ladder. Theo rolls to his back and tries to stand but collapses. The referee begins a ten count. By three, Theo is to a vertical base on his left leg alone. He hops to the ladder. By six Rey has started to shake awake. He rolls to the edge of the ring, clearly out of it. Theo slowly pulls himself using his arms up the ladder, rung by rung. At nine, Rey rolls out of the ring and lands on his feet, using the ring to hold him up and stop the count. Theo is halfway up the ladder. Theo is three quarters up the ladder. Suddenly Rey surges into the ring. He shakes out the cobwebs, stumbles to the ropes but uses them to bounce to the ladder where he gets under Theo and pulls him off into a powerbomb position. Theo tries a hurricanrana but Rey holds the ladder to remain standing. El steps over the arms of Theo and hits the Society Killer!
Hawke: SOCIETY KILLER! It has to be over now!
Rey stumbles to the ladder. He stands there for a full nine count and only starts climbing when Theo pulls himself to a seated position in the corner and stands to break the count … then falls back to his butt. Rey begins to climb … until the Interpreter charges into the ring and tips the ladder over, crotching Rey on the top rope!
Randy: OOOOOF!
The champ tips himself to the outside and falls to the mat. Idrissa moves to help Thespian. After a good fifteen seconds he is back to his one good leg. Idrissa resets the ladder and holds it in place while Theo climbs! He’s almost to the top! He tries to reach up but his leg buckles and he slides a rung down the ladder. As he climbs back up the ladder a CRACK is heard. A chair shot to the spine of the Interpreter takes him out of the fray. El Rey climbs the ladder behind Theo! Thespian reaches for the belt but touches it and sends it swinging. Before he can grab it again he has to fight off forearms to the right leg and spine. A few shots of his own and Rey skids down two rungs. Theo stands on the very top of the ladder and gets his hands on the belt… until a low blow brings him back to Earth. Rey locks in the waist lock, hooks the arms … X’D OUT OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER SENDS THESPIAN OVER THE ROPES AND CRASHING THROUGH THE FOUR TABLES SET UP EARLIER IN THE MATCH!
Randy: OH MY GOD! He killed him! Thespian went through 2 double stacks of tables from off the top of a ladder in the ring! He isn’t moving.
Hawke: Yeah and El Rey had the sense to lock his feet on the rungs of the ladder to stay in the ring!
Rey indeed hangs from the second step by his toes locked underneath it. He laughs and holds his back in pain as he sits up and pulls himself free. He climbs the last two steps and reaches up, catching the swinging belt and retrieving it.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner via ladder grab … and STILL The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion … EL REY!!!
El Rey celebrates on top of the ladder as medics tend to the Thespian and the Interpreter.
Hawke: Well what a way to send off one of the more popular feds within XHF Network. NLW put on a HELL of a show here. But El Rey maintains his grip on the division for GUNS.
Randy: *cracks his knuckles* My turn baby!
Hawke: Welcome to the Rumble folks! If you’re just tuning in, it’s about to get funky like a monkey. (Laughs) Always wanted to say that.
Randy: You’re so cheesy Joey, but that’s why I still have a job.
Hawke: Up next is a three way tag team bout for the XHF tag team championships. Black Knife Cabal recently beat Top of the Class at J-ROK’s Phantom of Guilt show to capture the gold.
Randy: And instead of Top of the Class asking for a rematch, two teams stepped up and made challenges.
Hawke: That’s right, Super Frenemies cashed in a challenge and—
Randy: The greatest tag team in the world, featuring MWAUH! And of course my partner Kris Quake! We made our challenge official and tonight we will show why we are the future of the tag team division of XHF!
Hawke: Yes sir, but who is going to help me up here if you’re in the ring? This isn’t going to be like that time where you called the match while wrestling again, is it?
Randy: Only if they are paying me double partner, otherwise you’re on your own.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! The rules are as follows, a winner will be decided when one team has successfully made a pinfall or submission. There is NO DISQUALIFICATION or count outs in this sixty minute bout. One member of two tag teams will begin the match, tags will be successful when a tag is made by any active member in the ring only.
Randy: Well that’s my queue!
Hawke: Oh yeah, you are in this next match. So what, I’m working solo tonight?
Randy: Not sure. I’ll see you after I win some tag team gold!
Randy exits the announcer table and heads to the back. Before Bonnie can begin the introductions we are greeted with the GUNS theme music which causes fans to explode with cheers. Out from the back walks the one and only Magnus, nodding to fans as he gives a wave before joining Joey Hawke at the commentators table.
Magnus: I can’t wait to see someone kick Zoran’s teeth in Joey.
Hawke: How did I know you wouldn’t be a fan of the Super Frenemies? Even though they both occupy roster spots in GUNS, you seem to have no love for the duo.
Magnus: I can take it or leave it with Dylan, he puts buttes in seats. Him being partners with Zoran is not a wise choice and doesn’t score him any favors in my book.
Hawke: Well either way, I’m happy to have you calling this match with me tonight. Magnus is always welcome at the XHF commentators table.
Magnus: Don’t kiss my ass too much Joey, I don’t want people thinking I paid you to say nice things about me.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, weighing in at a combined weight of three hundred and eighty pounds! I give you, Super Sake Presents – OFF THE WAGON, Randy Angel and Kris Quake!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match that could cement their legacy in the XHF annuals of time is on the brink of starting.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing their opponents! Weighing in at a combined weight tonight of four hundred forty nine pounds! They represent the Greatest Underappreciated Network Stars! I give to you, SUPER FRENEMIES - Zoran Sainovic and Dylan Black!
A single spotlight hits the entrance ramp - only to set off a blinding array of red sequins. Zoran Sainovic is decked out in a onesie that looks like Devil pyjamas if they'd been bejewelled to a degree that would make Siegfried and Roy blush. If the outrageous garment has the Final Boss embarrassed, he covers his discomfort with a fiendish grin. What could cause him to delight at such humiliation? Oh right! He has a partner. Still forcing the smile, Sainovic speaks back to his reluctant colleague. Would the old man really wear such a horrid garment just to force Dylan Black into a matching piece? With friends like these, who needs enemies. Realizing this isn't going to end until he OWNS THAT SHIT, Dylan Black pushes through the curtains in his own Super Frenemies matching tights - to the hooting, hollering, and general delight of the crowd. Laugh it up scumbags, because the passive aggressive rage that this team is driven by is about to punch a hole through your heroes.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing last, the reigning and defending XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! Weighing in this evening at a combined weight of four hundred twenty five pounds! Representing the company JROK! They are the BLACK KNIFE CABAL - Brendan Harding and Jack ‘the Ripper’ Gaines!
Lights go out.
"Make her a member of the Midnight Crew..."
Red light illuminates enough for the fans to cheer as they see Brendan Harding and Jack Gaines make their way out to RichaadEB's cover of Toby Fox's ‘Black’ wearing the XHF Tag Team championships around their waist. Harding slaps a few hands on the way to the ring, while Jack seems laser focused on the upcoming fight. Both men slide into the ring, Jack taking one knee in the center as Brendan stands behind him, removing his crowned wolf mask and saluting the fans.
Hawke: It looks like Super Frenemies Dylan Black will begin this match against Black Knife Cabal’s Jack Gaines.
Magnus: If I was the champions, I would get out of there immediately and make the other two teams spend some energy first.
Hawke: I believe the champions had to start in this match tonight, but the starting challengers were decided by coin toss before the show tonight.
Magnus: Just saying, BKC should tag in Off the Wagon and let them beat on each other. That’s how you take advantage of these three way tag matches in the early going.
XHF Tag-Team Championships
Triple Tag Match
The Black Knife Cabal (c) vs The Super Frenemies vs Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Jack Gaines and Dylan Black circle the ring opposite one another. Dylan waits for one half of the reigning XHF Tag Team champions to make the first move and Gaines does not disappoint. Jack shoots for a single leg take down and Dylan sprawls to avoid being taken off his feet. Headlock by Dylan to bring Jack back to his feet, Dylan is shot into the ropes and comes running back at Jack who throws an elbow at the jaw of the X*Crown champion!
Fans: “Ooooooooooooooh!”
Jack goes for the cover immediately and it ends before it starts. Dylan rolls over to the ropes and uses them to get up, Jack comes rushing him for a knee attack and is back body dropped up and over the top rope — symbolic of what would be seen later in the night for the XHF Rumble. Jack grabs the top rope and lands on the apron, dangling a foot as he attempts to regain his balance. Dylan chops his forearm that holds the top rope and then pries the fingers from the rope, but it takes too long and Jack delivers a shoulder to the midsection of Dylan which causes him to hunch over. Leaping over the top rope, Jack rolls off the back of Dylan into the center of the ring. With a spring off his back heel he delivers a pelee kick that cracks Dylan upside the forehead! Dylan stumbles backwards into the corner of the challengers, Off the Wagon. Kris Quake is quick to slap Dylan’s shoulder for the tag.
Magnus: The Monopoly is back in action and damn it’s good to see! This man is one of the Junior Heavyweight division cornerstones and a tag team specialist.
Hawke: Quake looks to be in great shape considering his circumstances.
Magnus: You mean alcoholism?
Hawke: Yes. Randy and Quake share a love for the booze, but it doesn’t appear to affect their ability in the ring. Now after the match, that’s where we have to worry.
Magnus: In the seventies and eighties if you didn’t drink you weren’t a man. Off the Wagon have the same mentality and it shows with their friendship.
Quake enters the ring and is quick to deliver a spinning elbow to Jack Gaines as he goes to grapple. Gaines is sent into the ropes and returns to be bear hugged by the Monopoly Kris Quake. Quickly converted into a belly-to-belly, Quake puts Jack Gaines on the canvas and hooks the leg.
One!
Tw-
Kick out!
Gaines rolls away from Kris Quake and looks to tag in his partner Brendan, but Quake grabs him by the foot and drags him to the center of the ring. Jack turns over and uses both legs to launch Quake backwards into the ropes. Quake comes running back and delivers a baseball slide clothesline on Jack as he sits up! Quake with no wasted energy, begins pummeling Jack and belches a hearty belch that the front row audience rates with signs “9”, “8”, “Quake!” as he rolls Gaines over with a front headlock and lifts him to his feet. Looking for a suplex, Quake is unable to keep his hold and Jack slips over his shoulder and tags in Brendan!
Hawke: The teamwork between Black Knife Cabal has shown to be ironclad. After dethroning Top of the Class to win the XHF tag team championships, I have done my research on them. What a unit these two are Magnus.
Magnus: If they were to come to GUNS I would show them how real tag teams handle business.
Hawke: Bold statement.
Brendan leaps off the top rope and catches a turning Quake with a tornado DDT! Brendan gets up and hits the ropes, returning to hit a thundering elbow to the chest of Kris Quake. Instead of a pin attempt Brendan lifts Quake and unleashes a European uppercut that rocks the Off the Wagon member into the only corner not occupied by a team. Brendan raises Quake to the top turnbuckle and sits him there as he climbs to the second ropes and motions to the fans of what is coming. Leaping up, Brendan wraps his legs around Quake’s head and his body goes backwards, looking for the Frankensteiner off the top rope!
Hawke: REVERSED!
Magnus: Kris Quake holds on to the top ropes and Brendan falls to the canvas chest first! Too much too soon by Harding.
Quake rises to his feet standing high on the top rope, waiting for his opponent to stir. Brendan at his knees, one foot up, another foot, hunched over still — LEG DROP ACROSS THE UPPER BACK! Brendan’s face is planted in the canvas and Quake rolls to the side and gets to his feet. Tagging in Randy, Quake heads back over to grab Brendan and drag him towards the center of the ring. Lifting him up, Quake positions Brendan so his upper body is hanging over his shoulder as Quake squats. Randy hits the ropes and comes full speed with a leaping clothesline tackle that shakes the ring on impact! Randy goes for the cover but the referee is ushering Quake to the apron - arguing that he is no longer the legal man. Once Quake exits the ring the referee slides in to make the count.
One!
Two!
Shoulder up!
Brendan rolls away from Randy and crawls towards his corner, but his progress is nil as Randy Angel comes behind him and plants a foot on the back of his thigh while waving a finger at Jack Gaines. Randy reaches down and grabs Brendan by the hair, almost taunting Jack now as he lifts Brendan’s hand and says “go ahead, tag it. It’s right there.” But then pulls his arm back and uses it to lock Brendan in a chokehold. Using his leverage, Randy’s other arm goes under Brendan’s arm pit and he lifts him to his feet before letting go of the chokehold and applies a side headlock. He walks around the ring with a bit of a stumble before laying in the punches to Brendan’s cranium.
Magnus: This might not be the wisest play from Randy, letting Brendan have even a moment of recovery is dangerous.
Hawke: He’s been my broadcast partner for as long as I remember. Wise and Randy are two words I have never used in the same sentence Magnus.
Back body drop! Brendan uses the ignorance of a buzzed up Randy Angel and buys himself some recovery time. Rolling over to his back, we see his partner Jack on the apron stomping as he calls for his partner to make the tag. From the apron on the other side we see Quake take a swig from a brown paper bag that he sets under the bottom rope near the ring post. Brendan finally gets to his knees and begins crawling for his corner. Randy is up though and rushes to stop him with a splash! Brendan leaps and the hand outreaches just enough to slap Jack’s!
Hawke: Here comes the Ripper!
Magnus: Does he know that guy was not favored well in the United Kingdom?
Hawke: Honestly, most fans of the new generation hardly have the insight to research the nicknames that wrestlers use; so I doubt it’s been an issue for Jack.
Jack comes barreling at Randy and hits him with ridgehand chops that send Angel back pedaling. Randy ends up on the ropes on the far side of the ring and is shot to the other side with an Irish whip from Jack. On his return, Jack snatched him up and delivers a spinning powerslam to Angel! Hooking the let he goes for the cover.
One!
Two!
Quake breaks it up with a stomp to the back of Jack. This triggers Brendan to come in and trade blows with Quake, and soon after Dylan and Zoran are in the ring too. Dylan goes after Quake and Brendan while the bandaged Zoran with an arm in a sling goes after Jack and Angel.
Magnus: All hell has broken loose now.
Hawke: Zoran and Dylan must have been feeling left out after Dylan was tagged by Quake earlier. I’m sure the Super Frenemies are picking their spots carefully with Zoran’s injuries and Dylan’s participation in the Rumble later.
Magnus: Defending the X*Crown championship in the Rumble is no easy feat. Even though he has the very last entry number, Dylan knows that doesn’t guarantee anything. Crazier things have and will happen in the XHF Rumble.
Hawke: Truer words have never been spoken. I have seen some insane moments at the Rumbles over the years. You come to expect anything and everything is possible.
Zoran picks his shots, stomping Angel before throwing his only usable fist at Jack’s head. Jack stumbles backwards as Randy rolls to the apron to get away. Jack comes back off the ropes heading at Zoran, looking for a clothesline - DROPKICK! Kris Quake out of nowhere sends Jack in the opposite direction and rolls towards Angel on the apron. Dylan and Brendan trade blows, and Zoran comes behind Brendan to wrap an arm around his swinging arm to half-hold Brendan so Dylan can lay into him. Quake comes up from behind though and headbuttes Zoran from behind, taking the Final Boss to a nearby corner; Quake lays into Zoran as Brendan tackles Dylan into the opposite corner and rushes him with three shoulders to the midsection. Stepping up on the second rope, Brendan drives a knee into the upper chest, just under the chin of Dylan! Dropping to his feet and stepping aside, Brendan watches Dylan step forward and face flop on the mat.
Hawke: Super Frenemies not fairing so well here against the other team members.
Magnus: No they are not. Come on guys! I was promised the XHF tag titles would return to GUNS, don’t let me down now!
On the ring apron, Randy is up, looking down at Jack. Suddenly Jack Gaines kips up and hooks Randy for a hurricanrana off the apron to the floor! Irish whip from Quake sends Zoran full steam towards the corner Dylan lays in front of. Brendan bounces off the ropes and catches Zoran with a cutter to lay out the other half of the Super Frenemies! Feeling himself, Brendan gets up and looks to see where his partner is, but is blind sided as Quake comes in hitting his signature move, drought!
Magnus: There goes Brendan’s head from that running kick courtesy of Quake!
Hawke: But it doesn’t matter, both competitors who are legal to score a fall are on the outside.
Magnus: That doesn't help get this match over any quicker.
Quake sees Randy leaning up against the barricade and Jack Gaines laying kicks into his partner. Quake takes to the top rope and leaps with a missile dropkick to Jack’s back! Half of the XHF Tag Team champions is sent flying over the barricade and into the first row. Quake takes a moment to recover as Randy gives him a high five from the floor, both men looking happy with themselves. Inside the ring Dylan uses Zoran as a step and leaps off him to drop a senton splash on Brendan’s back! Dylan and Zoran take Brendan to a corner, where Zoran precariously gets Brendan on his shoulders while Dylan climbs the turnbuckle. Jumping off the top rope, Dylan’s knees make contact with the chest of Brendan Harding as Zoran falls backwards. Dylan lands with all his weight on Brendan’s chest, rolling through to the opposite corner.
Hawke: blink and you might miss how Super Frenemies just reinserted themselves in this match by taking out Brendan Harding.
Magnus: That’s why I signed Dylan. Zoran on the other hand, I hope he gets a staph infection.
Hawke: Wow, no love loss from you tonight for the Final Boss.
Magnus: Zoran is a special type of pain in the arse Joey. The world would be a better place without him.
Quake pulls Zoran from the ring and steps up with an enziguri that knocks the Final Boss loopy. Sliding in the ring, Quake and Dylan begin trading blows as we see Randy suplex Jack from the front row back into the ringside area. A stumble or two later and Randy gets his footing to pick up Jack and roll him under the bottom rope. Meanwhile Dylan clotheslines Quake over the top rope and proceeds to his corner as he sees Jack and Randy back in the ring. The referee gasps as order is nearly restored. Randy goes for an elbow drop and Jack rolls out of the way. Randy gets up, shaking his head, before his face seems to turn colors. Fans in the front row point as he hurries to the ropes and heaves a projectile vomit that would make the Poltergeist blush! Dylan slaps Jack’s back and gets in the ring, elbowing Jack in the face and sending him out of the ring as a result. Coming up behind Randy, Dylan stalks the XHF announcer and waits for the moment to strike. Slinging his body at the turning Randy, Dylan grabs his neck with one arm, uses his body to bounce off the second rope and slings himself backwards to drop Randy face first on the canvas! Dylan goes for the cover.
One!
Two!
Broken up by Quake!
Diving to break up the count, Quake is successful and is immediately barraged with punches from the reigning X*Crown champion. Quake rolls him over and gets the best of Dylan, trading blows as he yells for Randy to get up. The groggy commentator slaps himself and rubs his stomach, showing the second wind after his incident just moments ago; and hurries over to his corner to grab the brown paper bag under the bottom rope. After a hearty swig, Randy gives the ole’ popeye arm flex, and comes to Quake’s aid and kicks Dylan upside the head.
Hawke: A vicious kick from Quake!
Magnus: Dylan is going to be sore following that one.
Hawke: Ringside we have Zoran taking it to the Black Knife Cabal as he begins chopping the tag champs repeatedly!
Randy motions to Quake and the two in sync without verbal communication do the motions. Quake rolls under the bottom rope and stands up to get a tag from Randy, who then goes and grabs Dylan by the legs. Dragging Dylan near the turnbuckles, Randy stomps Dylan in the gut once as Quake heads to the top rope. Dylan kicks Randy into the ropes and Quake falls to the turnbuckle in a precarious position. Dylan kicks Randy in the stomach once more and rolls backwards to his knees. Randy runs at Dylan and the veteran side steps and tosses Randy over the top rope right on to Zoran and BKC!
Magnus: Taking out the trash!
Hawke: Not sure Randy would agree.
Magnus: I meant Zoran.
Dylan ascends the top rope and hooks Quake for a suplex but the Off the Wagon team member throat chops him and shifts the momentum. Both men begin to stand up on the top rope, Quake delivers a headbutt to Dylan and shoves his head between his legs. Hooking the arms, he leaps and delivers the BOARDWALK!
Hawke: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: NOOOOOO!
Dylan is laid out cold from the front face driver off the top rope, and Quake rolls him over and covers as the referee slides in for the count.
One!
Two!
Three!
The bell sounds and the fans get rowdy. Bonnie takes the mic and stands up as this triple threat tag team match was in the books.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of this match and NEEEEEEEEEW XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS — Off the Wagon, Kris Quake and Randy Angel!
While the crowd calms down from the spectacular display of wrestling that just finished the Xtreme-Tron lights up black and the viewers at Home Screen turns black as well, and the following words scroll:
GUNS
Show
Season 4 Episode 6
The Mayn Event
A few days from now
After the Rumble ends
In a city far far from here
A main event worthy of any show
Two rival company’s will clash
May the Fourth, LIVE on GUNS
The Mayn Event
A few days from now
After the Rumble ends
In a city far far from here
A main event worthy of any show
Two rival company’s will clash
May the Fourth, LIVE on GUNS
The crowd inside of the Gillette Stadium are all fired up, they’re pumped and ready for the main event, the match they paid to see the most, the headlining event of the night. Bonnie Jenkins heads into the middle of the ring and the Foxborough fans are loud, on their feet, and ready for what’s to come.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for your main event of the evening! This is the 2023 XHF Rumble Match and it is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! The rules are as follows for this match: the match starts out with two competitors, every two minutes a new entrant enters the match. Entrants can be eliminated from the match by being thrown over the top rope and both feet hitting the floor. The last remaining competitor standing will be declared the winner and will be crowned XHF X*Crown Champion!
I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck
I don't give a, I don't give a, I don't give a fuck
I don't give a, I don't give a, I don't give a fuck
The opening lines of the song play as we pan across the venue looking for That Stone Cold Killa.
I'm willin' to die for this shit
I done cried for this shit, might take a life for this shit
Put the Bible down and go eye for an eye for this shit
D.O.T. my enemy, won't catch a vibe for this shit, ayy
I done cried for this shit, might take a life for this shit
Put the Bible down and go eye for an eye for this shit
D.O.T. my enemy, won't catch a vibe for this shit, ayy
The man known as Wildcat Capone is found kicking out a door on the lower decks of the stadium. He comes with birds out, already pissed at the world. IRN FST goes down the stairs into hostile territory, fighting his way through the crowd. Pushing and shoving his way through the sea of humanity. He makes his way down the stairs and onto the floor. He continues antagonizing and fighting his way through the crowd. He gets over the barricade and gets a joint from behind his ear.
Damned if I do, if I don't (yuh)
Goddamn us all if you won't (yuh)
Damn, damn, damn, it's a goddamn shame
You ain't front line, get out the goddamn way
Goddamn us all if you won't (yuh)
Damn, damn, damn, it's a goddamn shame
You ain't front line, get out the goddamn way
He lights it up and smokes it like a cigar as he paces back and forth. He walks around the ring, looking in. He walks up the steps before wiping off his feet and entering the ring. He flips off the fans once more, cursing at them and pulling out every cheap heat joke he can think of.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, the competitor who drew number one – representing TAPOUT Wrestling – wrestling out of Lexington, Kentucky and weighing in tonight at two hundred and eight pounds... THE STONE COLD KILLA!... WILDCAT CAPONE!
He stares daggers towards the entrance ramp, going into his dead silent and fully focused.
Hawke: Here we go, we’re kicking off the 2023 XHF Rumble with a STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD KILLA ON THE LOOSE!
Randy: That, absolutely, would get us a damn lawsuit.
Hawke: Easy, my guy. I’ll relax a little. TAPOUT’s representative is starting off in the first position, he’s got a whole lot to get through to get to the very end, doesn’t he?
Randy: You said it, not me. I wanted to give the dude some faith… but yeah, he’s toast, really.
The lights inside of the arena turn to a very dark red, the sounds of a metal cover to Bloody Tears is heard echoing throughout the stadium and that’s when The Devil’s Reject slowly crawls out from underneath the ring, smoke filling the ringside area as Reject entered the ring and came face to face with Capone.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, the competitor who drew number two – representing the independents – wrestling out of The Pits of Hell, Michigan and weighing in tonight at two hundred and seventy-six pounds... THE HELLSPAWN HIMSELF!... THE DEVIL’S REJECT!
Hawke: Did he-
Randy: Yeah, I think he did.
Hawke: I mean, either way, there’s nothing special to note about him. He was around for whichever of Champoon Wrasslin’s many runs and there’s nothing truly to note of this guy. He just looks like Dave Bautista covered in red body paint. The picture is right there, here on this page, doesn’t he look like that?
Randy: Yeah but it also says underneath here in appearance: “a cheaply made devil costume, usually the ones bought at a Spirit Halloween”.
Hawke: ... so that’s completely different from the picture then.
Randy: Yep, make sense of it as much as you can. I can’t do it either.
DING! DING! DING!
There was the bell, this was the beginning of the 2023 XHF Rumble and we were kicking off with quite the unusual combination of people here. Wildcat Capone and The Devil’s Reject were people on two sides of the spectrum. Capone was the one who started off the offense right away in this match with a series of Forearm Strikes right to the head of Reject (seriously, this name is stupid) and right away, Reject answered back with the Devil Rock Driver!
Hawke: HOLY JESUS! EMERALD FLOWSION RIGHT OFF THE BAT!
Randy: Well, actually reading here- it says that the Devil Rock Driver is his only move and nothing else.
Hawke: Randy, for christ’s sake, we can’t keep breaking the fourth wall like this!
Randy: Ah, who cares? These are throwaway people to start the match off. This isn’t going to last long after the third entrant comes through.
Hawke: I assume you know who that is, huh?
Randy: I do, actually, and it’s B—
Hawke: [covering up Randy’s mouth] SPOILERS, RANDY!
Capone was laid out on the mat after being hit with the Emerald Flowsion finisher and Reject didn’t waste any time whatsoever in making the first elimination of the night, picking up Capone and going to throw him over the ropes, but he pulled him back in at the last second and dropped Capone down for the second time tonight with that Devil Rock Driver! Reject got right back up onto his feet and immediately, he let out a guttural scream into the air. Though, his attention was turned right towards the entrance ramp as the countdown began and it got to five seconds just as Reject turned his whole body around to face the stage.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Silence.
More silence.
More, more silence.
Shit, is there really nobody coming ou—
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
Hawke: Oh lord, they’re gonna get crucified.
Randy: Ah, shit. Here we go.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number three – representing GUNS – BEEF!
The echoing “BEEEEEEEEF” rings out over the sound system as BEEF hits the stage with an echoing jump. He poses for the crowd as Magnus walks out behind him. The two walk together down the ramp, Magnus is telling everyone (who will listen to him) how ‘great’ BEEF is. BEEF, staring down Reject inside of the ring, soon leaps onto the ring apron and enters the ring and his first course of action? He runs right through Reject with a Powerful Lariat taking his head off, and his devil horns too.
Hawke: He ran right through him with ease! That was two hundred and seventy-something pounds he just crushed with his arm, Randy! HIS ARM!
Randy: He is three hundred and twenty pounds himself, so this is some “big meaty men slappin’ meat” action in the Rumble.
Hawke: And it seems like we’ve got some company on our hands too, I see.
Randy: Oh, isn’t this just great.
Whilst all of the action was taking place inside of the ring, we’ve cut to the ringside area where we watch Magnus take his place at the commentary table – adjusting the headset as we cut back to the action and we see our first elimination of the night as Wildcat had gotten back onto his feet but taken quickly out with the Lariat over the ropes and seeing him being eliminated by BEEF!
Bonnie Jenkins: WILDCAT CAPONE has been eliminated. (4:20)
Magnus: HAHAHA! HELL YEAH! I TOLD YOU ABOUT BEEF!
BEEF had his back turned on Reject as he comes rushing from behind, spinning BEEF around and looking for the Devil Rock Driver but he couldn’t pick up all of the weight that was BEEF – the bigger man took down Reject with the Double Ax Handle before hoisting up all two hundred and seventy-six pounds up into the air before being thrown over the ropes with a Powerbomb to the outside!
Bonnie Jenkins: THE DEVIL’S REJECT has been eliminated. (5:04)
Magnus: Oh, man. This night keeps getting better and better, right?! BEEF is on fire inside of the ring right now!
Hawke: Sure, but he’ll have to deal with our next entrant coming out very soon, have you thought about that?
Randy: I mean, it could be anyone but imagine if it’s someone just as big as BEEF is? Or someone that would know a thing or two about taking someone as big as BEEF down to size?
Magnus: Absolutely ridiculous, this is slander upon BEEF’s name! Who in the hell would know any better about beef other than–
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Magnus: —ME!
The sounds of “The Human Drive in Hi-Fi” by CKY began to play through the stadium speakers and Magnus’ eyes widened. The irony, the realization, everything was settling in slowly and the problem showed itself to the world. Magnus was, indeed, the next entrant in the XHF Rumble! Magnus was waving it off, he didn’t want to believe that he was actually the next entrant but Bonnie Jenkins made the reassurance clear for him and everyone else inside of the stadium.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing the entrant who drew number four – representing GUNS – MAGNUS!
Magnus: NO! NO! NO! THIS CAN’T BE RIGHT! I DIDN’T DRAW THE BALL! I DIDN’T DRAW ANYTHING!
From right behind Magnus as he stood up, Randy Angel is seen pulling out the small ping pong ball that read - in black marker - the number four on it as he slips it into Magnus’ pocket. Randy stands up and he comes up right behind Magnus, reaching into the same pocket he slipped the ball into, and pulling out the ping pong ball that read number four on it!
Randy: Magnus, I wish I could tell you that I’m shocked.
Magnus: The hell!? NO! I didn’t make any draw to enter this match! I DIDN’T—
Randy pulled the headset off of Magnus and grabbed onto him, throwing him under the bottom rope and into the ring with BEEF! Magnus had now become an official entrant in this match and he was staring down the big man himself. Magnus was pleading for his life, thinking that BEEF would’ve put his hands onto him, but BEEF had zero intentions of betraying Magnus like that whatsoever. Magnus kept himself in the corner for the time being whilst BEEF awaited for a new entrant into the match, one that he can actually wrestle this time around, and the countdown began once again.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“Seal The Deal” by Volbeat began to play through the speakers and that was the signal for Wellington Dunne to come running out. He stood at the top of the stage and outstretched his arms, flexing and posing before making his way down to the ring and keeping all eyes on BEEF inside of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number five – representing Next Level Wrestling – THE GLASGOW BULL!... WELLINGTON DUNNE!
Hawke: Well, here comes someone that I was sure was going to come face to face with BEEF and it just so happens to happen at the very beginning of the Rumble! These two are going to be locking horns inside of the ring! The Bull versus The BEEF!
Randy: Wellington Dunne may think that he’s going to get a chance to shine here but I don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon, not with all of that BEEF inside of the ring with him. Oh, and Magnus is in there too so he’s probably going to be having a good time staying in the corner.
Dunne finally enters the ring and he goes charging into BEEF with a Clothesline but that doesn’t make the big man budge at all. BEEF just stands there, soaking in the shot, and he goes for a Lariat of his own – but Dunne ducked the arm and landed the Snap Headbutt right to the chin of BEEF! That made the big man shake a little as he went stumbling back, falling into the ropes, and Dunne knew an elimination was in sight! He charged up that arm of his and he ran into BEEF with all of the force in the world for a Clothesline … but BEEF knocked Dunne off of his feet with a Lariat and Dunne was left laying on the mat, crumbled over and just barely able to breathe. The power knocked the wind out of him as he came crashing down onto his chest.
Hawke: Dunne almost had it there, he could’ve very well made sure BEEF was not seeing the end of this match very early on, and he could’ve had Magnus to himself as well to play around with before another entrant would come out and interrupt the fun.
Randy: Yeah, and speaking of which, we’re about to get our sixth!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The opening thumping guitar and drum riff of "Unstoppable" by Disturbed hits the arena as an imitation sandstorm is created in the entranceway. After 10 seconds of storm, Aiden Merric emerges from the billowing sands chewing nicotine gum and wearing a smug ass smile on his face. He spits the gum and puts a patch on his arm before stretching and walking to the ring with a purpose. He nods along with the theme song as he jabbers with the crowd and keeps moving. He stalks around the ring to the far side and nods at the commentators before he rolls into the ring and heads inside.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number six – representing TAPOUT Wrestling – THE CONTRACT KILLER!... AIDEN MERRIC!
Hawke: Now, this is someone that I can really look forward to. He outlasted a whole lot of people in last year’s XHF Rumble – which was won by someone who we’ll see later in the night – and came in a whopping tenth place! Although he’s only coming in at number six right now, what do you see as a prediction for Merric?
Randy: I’d say we’ll see something of the same, maybe. Top ten finish, he might last that long.
Merric didn’t waste any time going after the big man, but he’d learn to come up short because Merric was immediately Biel Tossed over the ropes and out onto the floor, seeing BEEF’s third elimination of the night and the third elimination in this match as a whole.
Bonnie Jenkins: AIDEN MERRIC has been eliminated. (13:16)
Hawke: … well, that did not go over too well for us.
Randy: I’m not predicting shit for anything ever again.
That elimination was quick and sudden, and hell, he didn’t even last ten seconds in the ring at this time around! BEEF turned his attention right back towards Wellington Dunne and he made sure that his focus was brought onto getting him out of the ring and securing another elimination. Dunne, however, wasn’t going to let that fly at all and he went to work on making sure that he’d stay alive in this match for the time being. Dunne landed heavily with the body shots and he kept the big man still for the moment, landing sharp Twelve to Six Elbows right down to the back of the head of the kneeling BEEF – and Dunne comes rebounding off of the ropes, charging into BEEF who simply grabs onto Dunne and tosses him over the ropes!
BUT HE HANGS ON!
Dunne is keeping himself alive as he hangs onto the ropes and uses them to pull himself back up onto the apron. BEEF isn’t pleased with this fact and he goes to make sure Dunne hits both feet onto the floor– but Dunne answers back with the Snap Headbutt and he comes back into the ring, running right past BEEF and connecting with the Spear! Wellington just cuts right through BEEF with the Spear and both men are down, they’re out of it, and the countdown is starting up again. The only man on his feet right now? Magnus.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number seven– representing the Japanese Renaissance of Kakuto – THE KAWAII SUPERNOVA!... YUKI SAKARABA!
“Shining Star” by Masaki Matsubara plays through the speakers and Yuki Sakaraba comes running out from behind the curtain and ran right down the ramp, heading towards the ring and leaping onto the apron – she immediately goes onto the attack with a Springboard Crossbody onto Magnus but he ducked the flying Yuki—AND MAGNUS LANDS THE SUDDEN IMPACT! SUPERKICK ONTO THE JAW!
Hawke: WOAH! WHAT THE HELL!?
Randy: HE CAN HIT ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVES?!
Hawke: Oh, come on. You really think he couldn’t?!
Randy: SINCE WHEN?
Hawke: Well, he was a former XHF World Heavyweight Champion after all!
Randy: HE WHAT?!
Yuki dropped onto the flat of her back and she was knocked out! Magnus couldn’t believe that he actually hit the move, he’s just as surprised as you and I are watching this match! I mean, it’s been a while for him, come on. Be happy he hit the damn move! However, Dunne was back on his feet as Magnus turned around and he grabbed onto Magnus, bringing him up onto the shoulders and landing the Wild Ride! The Fireman’s Carry Neckbreaker lands flush and Magnus is out on the mat, but here came big BEEF and he was out for punishment! Northern Lariat right to the back of the skull, dropping Dunne onto his hands and knees and BEEF wanted to get Dunne out and he did this time! BEEF grabbed onto the hair and dragged Dunne onto the ropes, pushing his legs up into the air and sending the Bull down onto the mat below!
Bonnie Jenkins: WELLINGTON DUNNE has been eliminated. (17:29)
No sooner than that, BEEF saw Yuki laid out on the mat still–and he grabbed her by the head, bringing her up onto her feet, and biel tossing her over the ropes and to the outside!
Bonnie Jenkins: YUKI SAKARABA has been eliminated. (17:54)
That had left BEEF in the ring once again with Magnus, which Magnus was not seemingly worried as he once were before, as he came out of the corner that he was standing in and stood by the side of BEEF – awaiting the next entrant into the match to come out and make their move.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The lights go down in the arena, plunging it into darkness before the lights come back an angry sullen red. Then gouts of flame burst across the ramp and stage, and the slender figure of Sinclair Godfrey steps forward sweeping her long coat behind her. Then she lifts her arms slowly, and the Scourge stalks out from behind her. Glaring from behind his mask at the crowd before he storms down the ramp, shoving back his hood before he climbs the ring stairs.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number eight – representing WRESTLE:UK – THE SCOURGE!... DONZIG!
Hawke: Oh, you know this isn’t going to be good!
Randy: Yeah, not good for Magnus. BEEF won’t have to worry about it, I just worry for when there’ll be an opening for Don to attack.
Donzig steps through the middle ropes and his time begins, demanding that BEEF bring the fight – which he does – and BEEF swings for a Haymaker Punch but Donzig ducked the fist and grabbed onto Magnus! He grabs him and throws him over the ropes! He’s got himself an early elimination on his scorecard!
Bonnie Jenkins: MAGNUS has been eliminated. (19:44)
Hawke: HOLY JESUS, HE WENT FOR MAGNUS AND ELIMINATED HIM!
Randy: … how in god’s name did Magnus go for about near fourteen minutes in this match? Like, seriously, what are we doing here that he got this long in the match?
Hawke: HE’S A FORMER XHF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, RANDY!
Randy: I still don’t understand how that happened, Hawke.
Hawke: It’s best if some questions are left unanswered, Randy.
BEEF and Donzig now stared one another down as it seemed like either man wanted to prove something, BEEF – especially – considering the lack of action that he’s gotten and racking up smaller names in his eliminations. A huge name like Donzig in his list of names would be huge for him in a stand out performance of the night. Donzig began the offense with some strong Forearm Strikes right to the head of BEEF which was rocking him a little, pushing him back far enough to get near some ropes, which Donzig sensed and ran the ropes – hoping to pick up his second elimination of the night – but that wasn’t going to be it for the time being as BEEF took Donzig out with the Running Lariat! BEEF was doing everything he could to shake off the strikes but no time was wasted, another individual was on their way out.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The upkick beat began to be heard coming through the speakers as the sped up version of “Watch This (ARIZONATEARS Pluggnb Remix)” was heard with the lyrics kicking in, that’s when the face of Matthew James Patterson appeared from behind the curtain and he walked right through. Nothing but a casual vibe to his step as he made his way down the ramp, hands being waved up high and the crowd joined in with him.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number nine – representing the independents – MATTHEW JAMES PATTERSON!
Just when you thought that someone at the build of Patterson could do so well, he enters the ring immediately being hit with a Knee Lift into the stomach by BEEF before being an eventual elimination added onto BEEF’s scorecard—but he hangs on?! Patterson keeps himself alive as Donzig comes back into the mix, bringing the fight to BEEF and knocking him into the corner before turning his attention to Patterson getting back inside of the ring, but being knocked back over the ropes and onto the floor below with a Running Knee Strike to take him out of the match!
Bonnie Jenkins: MATTHEW JAMES PATTERSON has been eliminated. (23:00)
Donzig had scored his second elimination of the match and we were nowhere near the time for anyone to come out just yet, BEEF had gotten back into focus and crushed through Donzig by hitting the Spinebuster down onto Donzig! BEEF let out a loud roar and the crowd were kinda loving it a little bit, they were getting hyped by the performance of BEEF – and he brought Donzig back up onto his feet, looking to make sure that he gets himself another elimination as he throws him into the ropes but Don rebounds back and comes rushing in with the Running Knee Strike, adding some leap for elevation—but BEEF caught him out of the air and slammed him down with a One Arm Powerbomb! The sheer strength alone was enough to get the crowd even more hyped than before!
Hawke: What strength alone! What a sheer amount of strength made by BEEF!
Randy: Have you ever seen anyone do this before in your life, Hawke?
Hawke: I don’t think that I have but BEEF is proving the doubters wrong—and speaking of which, it’s time for the next entrant, who’ll be the tenth entrant into the Rumble?!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
“I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now”
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now”
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. AVD looks out at the crowd, he smirks now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number ten – representing Hardkore World – ALWAYS VERY BLESSED!... ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!
As he leaps down off of the ropes, BEEF rushes in and crushed Blankenship with a Corner Splash – and then Donzig, himself, gets involved with the action and takes out Blankenship with the Running European Uppercut right onto the jaw! That was the power of unknown teamwork happening in the Rumble, but of course, that teamwork was broken off right away because Donzig ducked a few Haymaker Punches to spray The Black Mist in the eyes of BEEF! The big man was blinded, he was without any vision whatsoever, and Blankenship came out of the corner after shaking off the early offense taken – BAPTISM CONNECTS! THE SUPERMAN PUNCH LANDS! Donzig knew that the opening was wide for him and he landed the boot into the stomach of BEEF – EVENT HORIZON!
Hawke: STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER!
Randy: TWO BIG FINISHERS! THIS ISN’T GOING WELL FOR BIG BEEF!
BEEF was shaken on his feet, leaning up against the ropes, and Blankenship went for the kill with another Baptism punch but BEEF swatted him away before landing a Big Boot right to the head of Donzig! BEEF dropped down in the corner, falling straight onto his ass, as all three men simply lay there – however, it’s Blankenship that goes on the attack with a few Corner Stomps right into the chest of BEEF! As this all goes down, the countdown begins once again and the eleventh entrant is beginning to make his way down to the ring, that being…
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The metal cover of Sim City's "Metropolis" theme starts banging away as THE DARK LORD OF THE XHF NETWORK, Lord Dominicus makes his way out onto the ramp. Behind him the screen shows pictures of him rolling up other superstars and driving the DominiCruiser in CAR. He gestures to his GRAND VICTORIES on display and the golden CAR Athletic Cup adorned on his groin before strutting down to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number eleven – representing CAR – THE REAL LORD DOMINICUS!
Hawke: More filler?!
Randy: I don’t know, he’s pretty real to me. This isn’t any filler to the Rumble.
Dominicus entered the ring and he went right to work on Donzig – a Dropkick to the knee and it made Donzig fall to one knee, then Dominicus landed a Snap DDT onto Donzig before turning his focus onto von Blankenship and he’s brought the fight to AVB! They shared the punches, going from left to right, and Dominicus gained the advantage with some Forearm Strikes right to the jaw of Blankenship, pushing him into the ropes and now going for the elimination on Blankenship, leaving him dangling over the ropes but he pushes himself back in, landing a cheap shot punch across the jaw, but Dominicus answered back with a Dick Punch! Donzig went looking to attack but he also got hit with a Dick Punch! BEEF tries to get involved and he, too, gets a Dick Punch … but he just takes the hit!
Randy: THAT MAN HAS BALLS OF STEEL!
Hawke: Big Beefy Balls.
Dominicus looked up at BEEF, who simply shrugged off the punch, before picking him up into the Powerbomb position and heading into the nearest corner, running across the ring and throwing Dominicus into the corner with THE BEEF BOMB! The spine of Dominicus was in sheer pain as he rolled around the ring, holding onto his back. BEEF turned around and wanted to do the same to Donzig, but he slipped free and kicked the shin of BEEF, and then again, and then again! Donzig got right back up onto his feet, he wanted to seek out hitting 25:17 – BEEF answered back with a Back Suplex Uranage Slam! However, once he got back to his feet, it was time for the countdown to begin.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twelve – representing CAR – COPYCAT!
"Knights of Cydonia" by Muse plays. Immediately, Copycat runs toward the ring. He's wasting no time as he enters the ring and heads right for Dominicus in the corner! Copycat lays in the stomps down onto Dominicus and he’s going wild inside of that ring. Wait, is… is there a powder-like substance on his face? Well, it looks like it but there’s no rules in the Rumble so we’ll continue on and act as if nothing really happened. He’s like a house on fire inside of the ring and he’s ready to throw out Dominicus but his attention is now turned to BEEF! Copycat holds his hands out for a moment but now, he goes swinging the punches into the stomach of BEEF – but they have very little to no effect on BEEF whatsoever.
Hawke: Is this guy alright? Like, I don’t get what’s happening here.
Randy: I don’t either, let’s just put more focus onto the next entrant coming out.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Hawke: Who is it going to be?
“With Time Slipping Away
I Can't Say What I'll Do...
You Got Nothing To Say
'Til I Tell You Who's Who
You Know Why?”
I Can't Say What I'll Do...
You Got Nothing To Say
'Til I Tell You Who's Who
You Know Why?”
The audience pops hard as The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" pumps over the PA system!
Hawke: Here comes last year's winner-
The crowd pops EVEN HARDER when Zoran Sainovic steps out through the curtains. No bandages. No eye patch. No sling. Not even a cast. Looking healthier than he has in years, decked out in a satanic red Armani suit.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirteen – representing GUNS – ZORAN SAINOVIC!
Hawke: Will you look at that - it seems the Final Boss has recovered!
Randy: HE WORKED US! I can't believe he was LYING about being injured the whole time!
Hawke: Don't be ridiculous! Of course he feels better, how long was he supposed to wear that cast?
Randy: You don't understand Hawke, if he's back in shape, HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL.
Hawke: You're being ludicrous. The audience is delighted to have Zoran in shape, he's slapping hands on the way down the aisle - with BOTH hands!
Randy: Well, I'm not waiting around to get murdered. Screw you guys, I'm going home-
Hawke: Sit down NOW.
The ring continued about their business, with only one participant drawn to the new entrant. As Zoran enters the ring, a delighted Copycat runs up to him and gives him a great, big hug. Excited, like they were on a playdate.
Copycat (big smile): Hey there, Zoran! I'm so glad we're here! Now we can win the Rumble together! Best friends forev-
The Final Boss kicks Copycat square in the stomach as hard as he can. The force knocks Copycat into a flip, with him rolling back until he winds up on his knees. Not quite sure what is going on, Copycat begins making dry heaving noises, not unlike a cat. Then begins to throw up blood.
Randy: He caused Copycat to have a miscarriage!
Hawke: That's not how it works-
Sneering at the amount of blood that Copycat is vomiting out onto the ring, Zoran Sainovic grabs his "buddy" by the neck, and suplexes him over the top rope. Sainovic angles the move so that Copycat is spiked stomach first on the ring post. This causes more blood to be expunged. Copycat hangs there for a minute, like roadkill, before his agonizing spasms free him to fall to the floor. Paramedics rush to the eight-month-pregnant-man's aid.
Bonnie Jenkins: COPYCAT has been eliminated. (46:04)
Randy: AND HE LIKED COPYCAT! Imagine what he's going to do to the rest of us that actually wronged him...
Hawke: What do you mean us?
Randy: ...You could have defended him from me better.
Turning to the rest of the competition, Zoran lets two sickles fall from his sleeves. The sharp blades are attached to his wrists by chains, as he once again goes full Kratos. At this point the audience that may have chalked the Copycat slaughter up to tough love are pretty sure the last seven months of Sainovic being kind were a ruse. Feeling tricked, they begin to pelt the ring with garbage. As paramedics start to escort Copycat out of the arena, Copycat can't help but stare into the eyes of Zoran, someone who he considered a dear friend. Copycat's eyes are red, tear-filled and show the clearest picture of his heart being torn into a million pieces. Zoran Sainovic just smiles. The XHF Devil feeds off hate. Though, the attention is now turned to the stage as the countdown begins once more.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
♫ You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything ♫
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything ♫
Music blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights begin to flicker down in a circle near the entrance way. Guitars shred as drums beat viciously through the speakers. Fans begin stomping their feet before seeing the imposing figure cast a shadow in the lit up circle. The Murder Lizard of the XHF steps forward and throws his head up, whipping his hair back as the scaly black dinosaur style mask that struck fear into opponents took the stage. Jesse Jamester had arrived. Sporting white boots with black laces, with a lizard wrapped in barbed wire on the outside of each boot, and a bloody barbed wire design circling his tights. Fists taped up with black athletic tape, a black elbow pad on his right arm, and all the tattoos and scars visible from neck to abdomen, down both arms, and on what wasn't covered.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number fourteen – representing GUNS – THE CANADIAN NIGHTMARE!... JESSE JAMESTER!
Taking a moment to soak it in, the Murder Lizard scans the arena, and makes his way down the aisle towards the ring. As he approaches the ring side area, Jesse steps up on the second step of the black ring steps, cracking his neck and shrugging his shoulders in a warmup manner. The murder lizard proceeds to wipe his boots on the apron, putting the ring to his back as he leans one arm over the top rope and a hand up to his eyebrows, getting a better look at the audience. In one motion, he steps between the ropes and enters the ring, showing authority in his body language; shoulders back, head up, face looking straight ahead. This whole entrance took up two minutes so we’re back to the stage for the next entrant!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“No Rain” by Blind Melon begins to play through the speakers, Dana Daniels comes through the curtain and makes his walk down to the ring. The whole time that this entrance happens, a message appears–popping out from the bottom of our screens.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number fifteen – representing Hardkore World – THE DRONE!... DANA DANIELS!
Hawke: Here comes Dana Daniels – a protege of Marty Donovan – can you provide any details about Dana?
Randy: Well, uh-
Hawke: And that seems like all we have time for–that entrance from Jessie took too much of our time away!
This was the point where three men stood inside of the ring in a little bit of a standoff situation here. Zoran Sainovic on one side, Jesse Jamester on another side, and on the final side of the triangle? Dana Daniels. Zoran and Jesse seemed to have a serious hatred-hard on for one another, there was violence in both of their eyes and it was very easy to tell what was about to happen, but for Dana? Well, he was just happy to be there. Zoran is taken out from behind by Donzig and right behind Jesse?
BEEF.
Hawke: OH-HO! WE’RE BACK AGAIN! BIG MEATY MEN BUMPIN’ MEAT!
Randy: You must love all of this meat being bumped together, dawg.
Hawke: I mean, not in that-
Randy: Hey, man. This past week has been Lesbian Visibility Week. I support you if you decide to come out as one.
Hawke: That’s not how that works–
Jesse and BEEF stared one another down and it seemed like it was about to be another big hoss battle in the middle of the ring. They were giving off that Rock-Austin staredown level of intensity, they knew that when they started throwing hands? They were going to be throwing bombs at one another. They were going to be throwing nukes at one another with their hands. Blankenship tries to get in between both men but Jesse grabs him and chokeslammed him right down to hell! BEEF just watched as now Dominicus tried to get involved, being picked up by BEEF into the Gorilla Press and then slammed down into the mat with a powerful Powerslam! Donzig wants to get the jump on Jesse Jamester – but Jamester grabs Donzig and picks him up for position for The Violent Grave! Tombstone Piledriver takes down Donzig and leaves him completely dead in the water. Dana still watched on and he was going for the punches on both men, laying in the offense as the countdown began – but before we cut away onto the stage, BEEF picked up Dana and threw him into the corner with the BEEF Bomb!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number sixteen – representing the independents – MIKE DEXTER!
“We’re All In This Together” by Ben Lee begins to play through the speakers and Mike Dexter comes running through the curtain and down the ramp, heading immediately into the ring but he’s also being picked up by Jesse Jamester! However, he’s struggling to lift all three hundred and eighty-nine pounds of Dexter – BEEF gets involved and both men are holding up the near seven foot giant! They’re holding him up but he slips free! Dexter takes down both men with the Double Clothesline – but that doesn’t go well for Mike at all, now being grabbed by BEEF into the Torture Rack position and dropped into the Samoan Drop! Jesse wasn’t going to let BEEF have all of the shine here and bring Dexter up to his feet, positioning him right and dropping him down on his head with The Violent Grave! That was leaving Jesse Jamester and BEEF all alone again.
These two were hell bent on knocking the other down and that was what Jesse began to attempt, falling back into the ropes and rebounding, causing him to crash into BEEF with a Shoulder Tackle but it didn't make him move. Jesse shakes his head, he’s going for seconds as he falls back into the ropes and rebound, hitting the second tackle but BEEF stays still! How was he doing this? A third attempt made by Jesse and still no movement, a fourth attempt made and BEEF is eating them up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! A fifth attempt is made but BEEF showed off his inhuman strength by picking up Jesse into the Gorilla Press and immediately dropping him down with a Powerslam! That earth-shattering slam shook the entire ring, everyone inside looked to where the impact was made and there was plenty of shocked looks on their faces, but alas, another entrant was making their way down to the ring.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The slow beginning of “Main Title (Voyager)” by Jerry Goldsmith began to play through the speakers before reaching it’s crescendo – that can only mean that The Star Trekker was on her way out through the curtain, dressed in her best Cpt. Janeway cosplay as she rushed down to the ring as fast as she could!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number seventeen – representing Dinosaur Bones – THE STAR TREKKER!
Hawke: A possible friend for Lord Dominicus to help out here.
Randy: Man, fuck that- she’s hot as hell!
Hawke: Randy, have some manners.
Randy: Sorry. She can go along my jefferies tu-
Hawke: RANDY!
The Star Trekker was already looking to make some big moves in this match and it seemed like the one issue she had? BEEF was standing in the ring, but look out, here comes Jesse back onto his feet again! Step aside, Trekker, we’ve got some MEAT on the table here still being served! However, everyone else is on their feet inside of the ring and they’re jumping both BEEF and Jesse Jamester! This is outrageous from everyone, they’re going wild trying to take the two big men down and even Mike Dexter is getting involved with this! Though, a swipe from Jesse knocks him back into the ropes and Blankenship sees the doors opened for him to attack, leaping as high as he could and landing the Baptism punch! Dexter falls over the ropes but he’s hanging on for dear life, hand on the apron but here comes Zoran to push the largest man over the ropes and out of the ring! Zoran scores his second (third, counting Copycat’s “child”) out of the Rumble!
Bonnie Jenkins: MIKE DEXTER has been eliminated. (47:58)
Finally, BEEF and Jesse were down on the floor and BEEF actually rolled out of the ring under the bottom rope – this doesn’t count for an elimination – and it seems like everyone involved with the pile up on those two? They go right after one another, Zoran went for Donzig after earlier events, Dana Daniels just crouched down in the corner and seemed to be calling for something at ringside, and The Star Trekker and Lord Dominicus went right for Alexander Von Blankenship. The Blessed was giving the fight as much as he could but it was two-on-one, it wasn’t an easy task to begin with, and that’s what advantage they had. They stomped Blankenship out in the corner and it seemed all celebrations for the dynamic duo—but Lord Dominicus had other ideas, he grabbed onto Trekker and THROWS HER OVER THE ROPES! WHAT THE HELL!?
Bonnie Jenkins: THE STAR TREKKER has been eliminated.
Randy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hawke: I’m actually shocked you didn’t see that coming, like- that was so easy to spot.
Randy: WAIT! SHE’S STILL IN! HA, FUCK YOU DOMINICUS!
Hawke: And here I thought you liked him.
Bonnie Jenkins: THE STAR TREKKER has NOT been eliminated, she remains in the match.
That’s right, she wasn’t eliminated yet! One foot had touched the floor but her other foot stayed up and never touched the floor. Trekker was hanging on for dear life and she got herself back into the ring! Dominicus wasn’t aware until he turned back around. VULCAN NERVE PINCH! Dominicus collapses in the middle of the ring! And with that out of the way, there’s no time like the present to get another entrant out after that elimination.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
There seems to be no music this time around, but hold on, we’re cutting backstage for a second.
Production Manager: You know we can’t play this, right?
Tinto: Why not?!
Production Manager: Dude, you’re just a kid. Why the hell are you listening to this shit anyway?
Tinto: Just play it, please. It’s my one and only make-a-wi—
Production Manager: Okay, alright. Just don’t give me that shit, that’s all.
That’s when we cut back to the ring and we await the lyrics to…
“I got my black shirt on
I got my black gloves on
I got my ski mask on
This shit's been too long
I got my twelve gauge sawed off
I got my headlights turned off
I'm 'bout to bust some shots off
I'm 'bout to dust some cops off”
I got my black gloves on
I got my ski mask on
This shit's been too long
I got my twelve gauge sawed off
I got my headlights turned off
I'm 'bout to bust some shots off
I'm 'bout to dust some cops off”
…the sounds of “Cop Killa” by Body Count began to play through the speakers and the curtain opened up wide to Tinto stepping through, and this time he’s got a mask on him! This isn’t your ordinary Tinto, I’m afraid. This is Mr. Rip N’ Tear! He’s rushing down to the ring and he’s looking into the ring with a wild look in his eyes!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number eighteen – representing CAR – MR. RIP N’ TEAR!
Hawke: Okay, but that’s Tinto.
Randy: Yes, it is.
Hawke: And nobody is going to call him that, right?
Randy: There’s things that I can and cannot guarantee, Hawke. That’s one of them that I cannot guarantee.
Hawke: Well, that’s what I’ll be calling him.
Randy: Go ahead, me too.
Mr. Rip N’ Tear sprinted towards the ring and he had some athleticism on him, leaping onto the apron and looking around him—BEEF was still on the outside of the ring and back onto his feet, but he’s taken off of his feet again after Mr. Rip N’ Tear sprinted along the apron and leaped, landing a Hurricanrana onto BEEF and making him go head first into the ringside barricade! Mr. Rip N’ Tear finally gets back onto his feet and heads inside of the ring, coming face to face with Zoran Sainovic, but Mr. Rip N’ Tear gets booted right in the face by Jesse Jamester! Zoran and Jesse then get into a little bit of a scuffle inside of the ring and it was Zoran getting the advantage here in this fight. Pressure Point right to the jaw of Jesse in the corner from Zoran, then another Pressure Point from Zoran, and then a third Pressure Point from Zoran! Zoran grabs Jesse and throws him across the ring with a Gutwrench Suplex! Dana Daniels sees an opening and is right across the ring from Zoran—HE’S GOT A THERMO OF BEES AND HE’S OPENED THEM UP ON ZORAN! EVERYONE INSIDE OF THE RING RUSHES OUT OF THE RING AND THROUGH THIS CHAOS, STAR TREKKER WAS KNOCKED OVER THE ROPES BY DOMINICUS AND IS ELIMINATED!
Bonnie Jenkins: THE STAR TREKKER has (finally) been eliminated. (53:59)
Lord Dominicus had finally secured himself his own personal victory here in the match but the one problem now is that everyone is stuck on the outside of the ring and can’t go back in due to the thermos of bees being opened and all of the bees surrounding the middle of the ring. That’s when Mongo The Destroyer came rushing out from behind the curtain.
Mongo: WHAT THE HELL!? Hey, everyone back inside the ring right now, or all of you are eliminated by forfeit!
Zoran: (shouting) Zat’s not going to happen with all of zhose bees.
Mongo: Alright, fine. For the time being, just brawl it out and if you don’t make it back into the ring by the time that the bees are out of the stadium- you’re gone. Eliminated. Your chances of winning the crown are done for.
There was the announcement made by Mongo but the next entrant was on their way out soon enough!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number nineteen – representing GUNS – THE NETFLIX WARRIOR!
“Funk da Netflix” by MC Fioti was heard playing through the speakers as The Netflix Warrior came rushing out from behind the curtain and made their way down to the ring. They were going right for everyone and Netflix Warrior crashed into everyone! He was like a rolling boulder coming down the ramp and crashing into everyone. All of those outside of the ring were down and out, except for big BEEF, who – once seeing all of the bees back in the thermos – was the first person back inside of the ring. There was now a fifteen second grace period for everyone to get back into the ring and they did, everyone rushed back into the ring once they heard referees counting down from fifteen. Well, almost everyone. The Netflix Warrior hurted his ankle on the run down the ramp and now, with that grace period over, he’s officially eliminated from the match without even entering the ring.
Hawke: Such short lived memories.
Randy: I don’t even think that counts him as being in the match, right? Or does it because of that weird rule put in by Mongo? I don’t get the rules of this match, to be honest. They’re too confusing for my small brain.
Bonnie Jenkins: THE NETFLIX WARRIOR has been eliminated. (56:36)
With everyone back inside of the ring, and BEEF also being back inside of the ring, the big man was cutting through everyone that there was! BEEF chopped the shit out of Dana Daniels, landing the Mongolian Chop onto Dominicus, hitting both Zoran and Blankenship with Lariats, and even getting Jesse with a Spinebuster! Donzig, however, was calculated with his attacks and landed the Running Knee right behind BEEF, connecting with his skull as he was knelt over. Donzig let out a huge roar to the crowd. He knew that this time was his time, he knew that tonight would be his moment, but a new entrant looked to stop him in his tracks from getting anywhere further!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The lights flicker for a moment in the arena before dimming completely. An awkward silence takes the arena, but it does not last long. A singular spotlight shines towards the staging area to reveal a masked figure; the Interpreter. He raises his gloved hands and begins to gesture with them as the accordion from Burn the Ballroom’s “Whisper” pulls those in attendance in.
“Come in
Sit down sweet angel
Leave me all your tears
Tell me
All of your troubles
The weight of your short years
Love is
Only a river
Drowning all of your cheer
Sell me
all of your laughter
And I will take some of your fear”
Sit down sweet angel
Leave me all your tears
Tell me
All of your troubles
The weight of your short years
Love is
Only a river
Drowning all of your cheer
Sell me
all of your laughter
And I will take some of your fear”
The Interpreter takes a bow as the chaotic drums and guitar drown out the trance-like melody from before. From the back, the Thespian walks out and meets up with his companion. A hand gently pulls his cohort upright as they both mimic crazed laughs to the music. As the music calms down, so does their demeanor. As they make their way towards the ring, they both raise their hands, and begin to swing to and fro like conductors of an orchestra to the lyrics of the first verse.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty – representing TAPOUT Wrestling – THE THESPIAN!
Upon reaching the ring, the Interpreter takes the steps up and slips in between the ropes without missing a single flourish of the hand.
Hawke: Now, here comes someone that might impress a lot of people. The Thespian has been super impressive against everyone when he was in Next Level Wrestling, even becoming Southern States Champion and even reaching the finals of the 2022 G1 Climax – however, that show never aired and we’re not even sure it happened to begin with.
Randy: The archives are a dark and mysterious place, my friend. Besides, that was the past. It’s time for this man, or thing, to make amends and make the present all about what he really can do!
Thespian was ready to fight and he did, immediately going right for Donzig and flying through the air with the Flying Elbow Smash! Donzig got right back up onto his feet and Thespian landed another Flying Elbow Smash – then others were looking to get involved, Thespian booted away Blankenship with a Bicycle Kick. Dana Daniels gets caught by a European Uppercut from Thespian. Lord Dominicus almost spelt trouble for Thespian but he answered back with a Dropkick sending him back into the ropes, Thespian fell back into the nearest corner opposite Dominicus and rushed into the middle to meet The Dark Lord with the Exquisite Catastrophe! BEEF grabbed onto Thespian and went for an elimination, but Thespian countered and locked a headscissors in—he throws BEEF over the ropes but he lands on the apron, saving himself from being eliminated from the match! BEEF rolled back into the ring to reset himself, but he rolled right back out of the ring where he did his best to reconsider his course of action. As this happened, the countdown began once again.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-one – representing Ascension Wrestling Federation – NATASHA!
The lights go out inside of the stadium, leaving the whole place to be in complete darkness, and once they come back on? Natasha appeared inside of the ring, face to face with The Thespian, and the entire crowd inside of the ring were focused on the two supernatural beings inside of the ring.
Hawke: Wait, did Bonnie announce Natasha as representing AWF?
Randy: I mean, they did come back for a few short days before it was all announced as an April Fool’s joke by Mongo. Do you know how upset he made people with that news? There were many that wished AWF would come back.
Hawke: Wait, people actually liked AWF?
Randy: (rolls his eyes, whistles) Let’s get back to the match.
Natasha looked into the eye-less Thespian, glaring into his emptied abyss of a soul, before she turned around and struck Daniels with the Spinning Heel Kick and then went for Zoran Sainovic – a battle of the psychopaths as they tussled along the ropes. Thespian went back on the attack and struck Mr. Rip N’ Tear with a Jumping Side Thrust Kick! Tinto rolled out of the ring and fell onto the floor, not causing an elimination. We’re deep into the first hour of this match and now we’re going to see ourselves with another elimination on our hands as Natasha turns her attention toward Blankenship but he gets some offense back into this match and pushes Natasha back—he connects with Ordained! Natasha dropped and Blankenship wants to go for an elimination on The Goddess of Death! He gets her over the ropes but Natasha falls onto the apron, grabbing onto a handful of Blankenship’s hair and pulling him onto the apron with her! Both of them fought it out on the apron as a new entrant seemed ready to come out!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-two – representing the Japanese Renaissance of Kakuto – FLORIDA MAN!
“Gimme Some Lovin’” by The Spencer Davis Group is heard through the speakers and Florida Man comes running through the crowd, he’s leaping over the barricade and everyone is excited for Florida Man! He rushes into the ring and goes onto the attack immediately, pouncing onto Mr. Rip N’ Tear and send him across the ring. Florida Man gets caught up with Donzig now, hitting the Triangle Button and the Square Button repeatedly on The Scourge. Blankenship found himself back inside of the ring after the brawl on the apron with Natasha, Florida Man goes for that Stone Cold Stunner but Blankenship pushes him into the ropes, rebounding but not by much as Blankenship connects with the Baptism and drops Flo on the mat. Blankenship went into the corner and he climbed onto the second rope—but Natasha was back inside of the ring and she landed The Sterilizer! A Superkick right into the groin and makes Blankenship fall down flat on his face, right on top of Florida Man as well.
Hawke: That was a mean kick to the nutsack of Blankenship!
Randy: The only good thing that might come out of an attack like that is the decreased chances of there ever being another generation of people like Rat Bastard. Those decreased chances become our advantages to become better human beings, once and for all.
Hawke: Randy, what the fuck kind of CTE did you pick up earlier or what is in that bottle of Super Sake?
Randy: Don’t question it.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“Richard Allen George … No, it’s Just Cheez” by Less Than Jake is heard coming through the speakers as Cheez walks through the curtain looking all nervous as ever. This isn’t his first Rumble but the thoughts of entering are scarily enough. He gives a wave to the crowd as he walks down to the ring, struggling to get inside of the ring but he finally rolls under the bottom rope.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-three – representing Next Level Wrestling – CHEEZ!
As he seems to have gotten up onto his feet, he looks around him and surveys his surroundings, finding himself coming face to face with Natasha. If you thought that Cheez was scared about entering at first, he is pissing himself (possibly in a literal sense) about seeing Natasha right in front of him. Natasha pounces on the attack, landing The Hand of Fate on Cheez and slamming him down into the mat, making him roll out of the ring. Blankenship was back into the fight and threw Natasha over the ropes. The two seem to get back onto square one, brawling on the apron but Blankenship gets the advantage, dropkicking Natasha away and making her stumble backwards, falling onto the steel steps to keep her in the match. Natasha held on for dear life but along the outside of the ring was BEEF and he ran towards the steps, leaping and crushing Natasha between BEEF and the steps with a Senton!
Hawke: HOLY JESUS!
Randy: BEEF might’ve killed her, crushed every bone in her body, just about anything damaging could’ve been done there that we don’t know about but that’s got to be worrying for Natasha as she lays there.
BEEF held onto his lower back, possibly damaging himself in the process of everything but there was no time to focus on the carnage on the outside as there seemed to have been another entrant on their way out.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-four – representing GUNS – DISCOVERY+ ANCIENT ALIEN!
“Discovery” by Scott Buckley began to play through the speakers as the curtain opened up wide for the Discovery+ Ancient Alien to step through, looking dressed for the occasion in his Discovery+ gear and paint. He rushed down to the ring and headed right for BEEF on the outside, it seems. BEEF, however, simply popped him up into the air and caught him, running along the outside and throwing Alien into the ring post to connect the BEEF Bomb! BEEF throws Alien inside of the ring and it was left to The Scourge to eliminate Alien and he did, clotheslining him over the ropes and onto the outside.
Bonnie Jenkins: DISCOVERY+ ANCIENT ALIEN has been eliminated. (1:09:56)
That wasn’t all that Donzig had gotten, grabbing onto Florida Man and throwing him over the ropes, falling down onto Alien and securing Donzig’s fourth elimination.
Bonnie Jenkins: FLORIDA MAN has been eliminated. (1:10:05)
With those two quick eliminations, it seemed like Donzig was pleased with how shortened the field had gotten, however, it wasn’t too shortened. There were still ten legal entrants in this match, along with himself counting up to the eleventh. Donzig knew that he had to make something work as he headed out of the ring and went under the apron, grabbing his trusted Barbed Wire Bat, named Lightbringer. There’s no flames on the bat just yet, but knowing Donzig? There will be. He re-enters the ring and brings himself into the center. He looks around him, waiting for anyone to come forward and there goes Dana and he gets the bat right into the stomach! Mr. Rip N’ Tear gets caught next, HITTING HIM ACROSS THE FACE! Zoran takes the next hit, but he just soaks the shot entirely, swatting the bat away and taking it from Donzig before dropping The Scourge with a Lariat! Zoran was the one standing in the middle of the ring now as we head to our next entrant of the match!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“You have chosen The Lament Configuration.”
The arena lights turn to a deep red as the harsh electronic beats and screeched vocals of 999999999 IN A DREAM slam into the speakers. The sinisterly masked figure of Bloodied Fox steps from behind the curtain and stalks down to the ring to the overwhelmingly negative response of the fans, the few who still empathize with his twisted resentment of the XHF and its audience drowned out by the jeers. Fox doesn't seem to care much, sliding into the ring and staring down Zoran.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-five – representing GUNS – THE BLOODIED RAINMAKER!... BLOODIED FOX!
Hawke: Randy, do you have chills going down your spine? These two were the final two of last year’s Rumble and Fox was the one who came second out of the two, being eliminated by Zoran who went home with the crown that night. You can just sense that these two are going to HATE one another with a passion.
Randy: Nothing good comes out of holding grudges, I can assure you of that. If Fox wants to survive? He’s got to think of other ways around this, not how things are going right now with him. Though, by the looks of inside that ring, I think we’re going to have a murderous brawl on our hands very soon!
This was the staredown of all staredowns. Bloodied Fox and Zoran Sainovic are two people who absolutely hate one another, they completely despise one another, and there’s nothing that’ll stop them from just beating the shit out of one another. And there they went right after one another, the collision course was already set and Bloodied Fox – a new and more dangerous Fox – is making sure that Zoran does not stay standing! Bloody Rain connects but Zoran stays still! Bloody Rain again! Bloody Rain for a third time! Zoran has staggered back but he’s still just eating up all of those Superman Palm Strikes! However, that open space between Zoran and Fox was enough for Fox to spin and land the MDK Kick—and that kick connected right into Cheez trying to get involved between the two! Cheez fell out through the middle ropes and Zoran landed some offense of his own! Pressure Point! A second Pressure Point! A third Pressure Point! A fourth Pressure Point! Fox is laid up against the ropes, Zoran’s going for a huge elimination in this match as he rebounds off of the ropes, but here comes Donzig back into the match! Jumping High Knee lands right along the jaw of Zoran, never seeing Donzig coming from his blind spot! Fox is saved for the moment as he drops down onto the mat whilst Donzig is furious, he’s beating the hell out of Zoran inside the middle of the ring! However, another countdown begins!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
"Ravenous" By X-Ray Dog begins to blare throughout the Gillette Stadium, the crowd are looking around and unsure as to who this might be—but the tron showed the words “AWF” and coming through the curtain was FELIX ZIKO! The larger-than-life man himself, owner of the biggest promotion ever in Network history, is entering the Rumble match! Ziko, in full wrestling attire, is going as fast as he can down to the ring!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-six – representing Ascension Wrestling Federation – FELIX ZIKO!
Hawke: Are you shitting me?!
Randy: Hey, this is what he wanted to do so let him in! This is his time, his moment, and I’m not going to shit all over his parade!
Hawke: I HATE THE AWF AND THEY’RE ALREADY DEAD – FOR A SECOND TIME!
Ziko finally enters the ring and comes staring down at Donzig, who’s staring up into the heavens to make eye contact with the seven foot man. Donzig hasn’t got a clue what to do here but Ziko does, wrapping those big hands around the neck of Donzig and sending him eight feet into the sky! ASCENSION AND THE FALL! CHOKESLAMMED HIM TO HELL! Dana Daniels comes rushing in, hoping to do something here, but he’s goozled as well! ASCENSION AND THE FALL! Mr. Rip N’ Tear is springboarding into the ring to attack! CAUGHT! ASCENSION AND THE FALL! Dominicus is going for the chop block from behind and he gets the big man down on one knee! Dominicus looks to attack again but he’s caught by Ziko getting back to his feet! ASCENSION AND THE FALL! Ziko is Fired Up™ and he’s looking to make a big move here, a big show stealer move here, looking into the emptied turnbuckle and gesturing, slamming his big hands on the turnbuckle, and he’s going to make the climb up! Lord Dominicus is in the middle of the ring, in the drop zone, and he’s about to be crushed by Ziko – who’s on the second rope on the outside of the ring – but here comes Bloodied Fox! BLOODY RAIN! Ziko is stunned, slumped over, and now Natasha is heading into the ring and looking to get back into the fight! And she’s got a hold of Ziko … SHE’S GOING TO DROP HIM ON HIS HEAD! FROM CRADLE TO GRAVE! SHE’S GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT ZIKO NEVER LIVES TO ENTER ANOTHER RING AGAIN!
Hawke: SHE CAN’T DO THAT, CAN SHE?!
Randy: I THINK WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT!
But, the extent of her somewhat injured back after the attack by BEEF on the outside has caused her to drop Ziko with more of a Powerslam than a Tombstone Piledriver. Ziko’s neck has been saved for the time being but here comes the countdown again, we’re about to see another entrant again!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“Regrets, I've had mine
Lonely nights and a whole lot of wasted time
If you see her won't you tell her for me
It's better this way to avoid our misery”
Lonely nights and a whole lot of wasted time
If you see her won't you tell her for me
It's better this way to avoid our misery”
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. The crowd were vocal throughout the whole entrance with “AWESOME!”, before being immediately followed up with “SUCKS!” – and Steve was eating that all up. The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he’s going right for the big man himself, he’s going right after Ziko!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-seven – representing Hardkore World – THE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE!... STEVE AWESOME!
Steve saw Fox and Natasha all trying to pull Ziko up and he gave a hand, throwing the big man towards the ropes and hoisting him over for Ziko to fall onto the floor and saw those three score the elimination!
Bonnie Jenkins: FELIX ZIKO has been eliminated. (1:20:26)
With the big man eliminated, Steve went to work on throwing both Natasha and Bloodied Fox over the ropes for the double elimination! Though, the two of them hang on for the moment and get back up onto the apron. Steve has his back turned and it’s too late once he turns back around, seeing Natasha standing right behind him and now grabbing Steve by the neck! The Hand of Fate sends Steve down crashing into the mat! Fox springboards into the ring, going to land Air Vulpine, but he’s caught out of the air by another springboarder! THESPIAN! EXQUISITE CATASTROPHE THROUGH THE AIR! SPRINGBOARD KNEE STRIKE CATCHES FOX ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! THEY BOTH CRASH DOWN HARD AND THESPIAN IS BACK IN THIS ONE!
Hawke: DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE AS HELL! PERFECT ACCURACY ON THAT KNEE!
Randy: Yeah, and I don’t think that’s all we’re gonna see from Thespian here – he’s going back onto the attack!
Thespian kipped back up onto his feet and immediately, that Life’s A Comedy is kicking in! Superman Palm Strike to Natasha! Superman Palm Strike to Donzig! Superman Palm Strike to Zoran! Superman Palm Strike to Jesse! Though, the last two to take the hit seem to just eat them up. Zoran with the Pressure Point right onto Thespian, which was the lead into Jesse picking up Thespian and dropping him with Into The Gray! Zoran and Jesse make eye contact with one another and Jesse didn’t bother waiting to strike, he was quick with a Throat Thrust right onto the neck of Zoran! The countdown began once again as the crowd turned their attention towards the stage.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
"Plebeians - silence yourselves as the heavens gift you with this special occasion.
Your eyes will feast like it never has before. The one. The only. King Edmund William Hickenbottom IV".
Your eyes will feast like it never has before. The one. The only. King Edmund William Hickenbottom IV".
The lights dim. Two uniformed gentlemen step forward. They blow on their trumpets to signal the introduction of the King of Supremia. After the royal tune, Preliator by Globus plays. After the introduction to the song, Mutt walks out, holding a throne above his head and shoulders. As he marches down the ring, the two uniformed guards follow. Mutt climbs up the stairs, where the uniformed guards lower the top rope for Mutt to climb over. Mutt places the throne down the center of the ring and then lies on all fours in front of the throne. There, King Hickenbottom steps on the back of Mutt as a stepping stool on the way down. With a crown on his head and a scepter in his hand, he climbs the ropes to the fans. They all boo him. The king smiles as he descends and exits the ring to allow Mutt to show off exactly what King Edmund IV can do.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-eight – representing DINOSAUR BONES – THE KING OF SUPREMIA!... KING EDMUND IV!
Hawke: Before anyone begins to question, that man inside of the ring isn’t King Edmund, but Mutt.
Randy: Yeah, but he’s wrestling for the King.
Hawke: How did we go from tweedle-dee with Copycat and now tweedle-dumb with Edmund.
Randy: No way to treat a king, Hawke. Shame on you!
The big man, Mutt, looks around the ring and he sees Zoran and Jesse fighting against the ropes—but he heads outside of the ring to go right after BEEF and he pounces on the big BEEF! They’re bouncing off of one another on the outside and it seems like BEEF is winning in that exchange, the shoulder bumpin’ isn’t going in the favor of Mutt and the look on Edmund’s face is pure disgust to see his progeny fall down with ease. BEEF comes running around the ring, full sprint, and he POUNCES ON EDMUND AND THE THRONE! OH LAWD IT’S OVER FOR THE KING! BEEF seems more hurt by that attack, going full-on collision with a solid gold throne didn’t work out well for him. Inside of the ring was Jesse holding Zoran over the ropes and looking to push him further to flip him out of the ring and onto the floor—but Zoran was biting at the hand of Jesse Jamester! Zoran is leaving bite marks on the Murder Lizard! Though, that’s all the time we have, it’s time for another entrant to get involved!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number twenty-nine – representing REIGN – ESMERALDA VON KRAUSS!
There’s no music for her as she comes rushing out from the curtain and down to the ring. She slides into the ring and heads right for Jesse Jamester, who simply throws her over his head with a Back Body Drop and she lands on the ropes, bouncing off of them and landing roughly on her neck, which then saw the elimination come very quickly as Mutt came back into the ring and clotheslined her out of the ring! However, she caught the ropes and hanged on for her dear life. Esmeralda lands some strikes of her own to Mutt and even gets him hanging off of the ropes, but here came Mr. Rip N’ Tear himself and he pushes Mutt! Mutt goes on top of Esmerelda and the two fall onto the floor, they’re eliminated by Tinto—I MEAN, MR. RIP N’ TEAR!
Bonnie Jenkins: ESMERELDA VON KRAUSS (1:27:34) and KING EDMUND IV (1:27:35) have been eliminated.
Hawke: HOLY SHIT!
Randy: TINTO WITH TWO ELIMINATIONS! HE TOOK OUT MUTT AND VON KRAUSS!
Hawke: THE KID’S ON A ROLL! HE’S GONNA GO AND WIN THE CROWN!
Randy: THE YOUNGEST EVER X*CROWN CHAMPION, THAT’S WHAT HE WILL BE!
Mr. Rip N’ Tear got right back to his feet but here came Blankenship with a BIG BOOT THAT BOOTS TINTO OUT OF THE RING! Blankenship is pleased with himself for the time being but he’s not aware of who’s right behind him, Natasha! She turns Rat’s son around and goozles him! THE HAND OF FATE! Cheez comes back into the ring, AND HE FALLS TO THE HAND OF FATE! Fox enters the ring but he sees Natasha and falls back, not trying to get caught in the clutches of Natasha. Though, the counter began again and that’s what catches Natasha’s attention.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The stage lights fade to eerie teal green as "Five Ten Fiftyfold" begins.
“Wheezing and sneezing,
Tenfold it blew apart,
It halved it in half,
And went gushing gust wind”
Tenfold it blew apart,
It halved it in half,
And went gushing gust wind”
The lights reach their full bloom as the bass glides, the drums hit and Random McConalogue appears, a large towel tied to her wrist, swaying as she walks. Serene and calm, she casually strolls, shoulders slightly oscillating in a slow sync. Her body is calm and relaxed, like a moonlight walk in the park, but her gaze is fixed, staring at Natasha with snake eyes. She's never in a hurry, she doesn't need to be.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty – representing TAPOUT Wrestling – RANDOM MCCONALOGUE!
Hawke: A very interesting name going on right here, we’ve got Random McConalogue who’s been making some impressive moves with wins over the likes of XHF household names, Spike Kane and Jason Long. This is going to be a test for her on a much grander stage against some of the fearsome of them all.
Randy: Should we roll the dice on her chances?
Hawke: Sure, I’m going to go right and say she’s got some good chances.
Randy: Ouch. Not good for her, then.
Random slides into the ring and the staredown between her and Natasha is intense. Two very spontaneous characters just looking to get into the swing of things here as they swing for the fences of one another, Random is holding her ground but Natasha is seemingly too strong for her to keep going. Natasha grabs onto Random and attempts to connect with Ill Omens but Random twisted out of the move, she quickly catches Natasha and connects with DICE ROLL! Random gets back to her feet and she runs the ropes, eyeing up BEEF on the outside as she dives through the middle ropes and SHE CONNECTS WITH THE INFINITE IMPROBABILITY DRIVE! SUICIDE DIVE CANADIAN DESTROYER! BEEF IS TAKEN OFF OF HIS FEET AFTER FINALLY GETTING RIGHT BACK UP! Random is on a roll here, coming around the outside of the ring to slide back in and attack Donzig with a Rugby Tackle Spear! Soon after, the countdown began once more and leading into our thirty-first entrant. Four more to go.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
“PEPSIMAN!”
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty-one – representing the independents – PEPSIMAN!
The music played as Pepsiman came rushing out through the curtain, standing at the top of the ramp and posing, before rushing down the ramp and heading into the ring. He’s charged up the arm and ready to take someone out of the match. Random grabs onto Pepsiman and throws them into the ropes but Pepsiman rebounds, he catches Random with the Lariat but Random floats over the arm, Pepsiman countered with a kick into the stomach! PEPSI PLUMMEL! The Double Underhook Powerbomb lands and now Pepsiman is searching to eliminate Random out of the match but here comes Thespian looking to throw Pepsiman out and he does! Pepsiman goes out and he hits the floor!
Bonnie Jenkins: PEPSIMAN has been eliminated. (1:32:30)
Thespian scores his first elimination of the match and he’s hanging onto the top rope, slowly turning around to come face to face with Random McConalogue — this was a battle between two TAPOUT Wrestling superstars, staring one another down and knowing that a future collision between the two might come at some point in the near future. Though, once the countdown started? There was about to be another star to add into the mix.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The house lights go out as the crowd begins to buzz.
“Top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop
To the top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop”
To the top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop”
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty-two – representing TAPOUT Wrestling – THE TAPOUT OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION!... JACK DIAMOND!
Pyro explodes as the chorus of "Legendary" by Skillet begins to play and the crowd erupts into cheers and chants begin to break out of "Icons", "Diamond Club", and "D-T-F". Jack Diamond emerges on the stage with a huge grin on his face, nodding his head to the beat of the music. He adjusts his leather jacket and soaks in the moment, around his waist the Tap Out Openweight Championship belt glimmers in the lights. He mouths the word "Legendary" and begins to make his way to the ring acknowledging the fans as only Jack Diamond can do. As he gets to the ring, he climbs the stairs and walks the apron over to the far turnbuckle. He ascends the outside of the corner, removes his belt and holds it high over his head, playing to the crowd as more pyro goes off.
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, legendary
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, legendary
Hawke: Business has most definitely picked up here in the Rumble! A man who knows what it means to be at the final hurdle, someone that has come so close within the past, his career resurgence would be pinpointed strongly if he can win the XHF Rumble finally after all of these years!
Randy: That would mean everything to him, but as you’ve said - he’s come close, can he pull it off or fall down the same rabbit hole as before?
Jack jumps down into the ring and heads right for Thespian and Random, dropping both of them with a Double Eighty-Sixed! The two go flying back into the nearest corners, Jack is eyeing up Thespian in the corner and looking to land another Eighty-Sixed but Random takes down Diamond with the Shoe Event Horizon! Diamond is rocked completely and shaking off the effects of the boot taken right to the jaw. Random wants to make her name known, she knows that eliminating such a big name could see herself be a top contender to any championship of her dreams. Jack gets back to his feet and Random grabs onto the Openweight Champion – but he pushes her away and runs right into Thespian, knocking him over the ropes!
Bonnie Jenkins: THE THESPIAN has been eliminated. (1:36:16)
Random sees a chance opened up and grabs Jack by the legs, throwing Jack over the ropes, but Jack grabbed Random with a Headscissors and throws her over the ropes and she falls onto the floor below! Jack makes it two for two in very quick eliminations for the TAPOUT Openweight Champion!
Bonnie Jenkins: RANDOM MCCONALOGUE has been eliminated. (1:36:39)
And Jack is on fire here as he sets his sights on the returning-to-the-ring Cheez and he dropkicks him over the ropes, but Cheez goes over and rebounds, coming back into the ring and leaping over Jack – MORPH BALL BOMB! Diamond goes down and Cheez is about to let out a loud roar to the crowd, he wants some eliminations and he wants to push himself further into the final amount! Cheez has his sights on Diamond but Blankenship is going to lead the charge and he throws Cheez over the ropes! Cheez is out!
Bonnie Jenkins: CHEEZ has been eliminated. (1:37:45)
Hawke: Three quickly made eliminations in the span of a minute, we’re down to fifteen people to go in this rumble and we’ve still got about three to enter the match!
Randy: And speaking of which, here comes one of them right now!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. whilst the HKW World Heavyweight Championship is proudly displayed around his waist.
The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty-three – representing Hardkore World – THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!... CROSS RECOBA!
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. With the championships of his outside of the ring, he actually grabs the HKW World Heavyweight Championship from the ringside crewman and clocks Steve Awesome in the back of the head with it! Recoba is making a statement seconds into entering this match and he seems content on eliminating Awesome. However, Dana Daniels and Tinto both rush into the ring and begin attacking Cross Recoba! The proteges of Marty Donovan are trying to beat down the World Heavyweight Champion – and Recoba boots away Tinto before grabbing onto Dana Daniels and pushing him over the ropes for the elimination!
Bonnie Jenkins: DANA DANIELS has been eliminated. (1:40:28)
Tinto is still recovering from the kick from Recoba but here comes Blankenship looking to eliminate the HKW World Champion but it backfired and Cross throws him over the ropes! Blankenship hangs onto the ropes! Recoba is landing the punches to try and knock down the Blessed One, none of them seem to do the job as Blankenship heads into the corner, going for a tightrope walk along the top rope but he doesn’t check who’s on the other side of the ring from him, a prepped Jack Diamond keeping his eyes on Blankenship and gives the nod to Recoba! Blankenship begins the walk and Diamond springs onto the top rope!
( Just imagine that Kommander simply fell onto the ropes here. I just wanted y’all to have a visual. )
DIAMOND WITH THE STACKED DECK THROUGH THE AIR AND CATCHING BLANKENSHIP, MAKING HIM FALL ONTO THE ROPES AND HE FALLS OUT OF THE RING!
Bonnie Jenkins: ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP has been eliminated. (1:41:37)
Hawke: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Randy: WHAT IN THE HELL DID WE JUST WITNESS!? DIAMOND WITH THE ELIMINATION ON BLANKENSHIP!
Hawke: THAT WAS PHENOMENAL! SIMPLY AMAZING! I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE!
Randy: THE GREATEST ELIMINATION EVER! JACK DIAMOND IS ON ANOTHER LEVEL! HE IS HIM – AS THE KIDS SAY THESE DAYS!
Recoba couldn’t even believe what he had seen but here came Tinto, or Mr. Rip N’ Tear, as he went for a Hurricanrana DDT on Recoba but The Fox caught him and lifted him up into the air—but Donzig comes into the action and throws Recoba over the ropes! Tinto hits his head on the apron and he falls onto the floor below, a – somewhat – elimination from both Donzig and Cross Recoba.
Bonnie Jenkins: TINTO has been eliminated. (1:42:10)
Donzig drops to his knees as he awaits to let Cross Recoba get back onto the apron, an ending in sight for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, but the countdown… the countdown is glitching? Donzig takes notice of this and he looks right behind him, the lights are dimming and going dark, almost like spontaneous flashes. The countdown finally reaches the final five seconds.
F1VVVVVVV—3
F++++O_=”%”%^U*^%”£$R
3333333333333333333
[[[++++++++++++II++++++++++++++]]]]
“£$”$£!$£!”^%&%&£”%ONE!$£$£%£^$£^^$^$$!$£$
:: BZZZZRT ::
F++++O_=”%”%^U*^%”£$R
3333333333333333333
[[[++++++++++++II++++++++++++++]]]]
“£$”$£!$£!”^%&%&£”%ONE!$£$£%£^$£^^$^$$!$£$
:: BZZZZRT ::
The whole stadium falls into silence, everything cuts out – sound, visual, everything. The whole rumble has experienced a blackout.
At least, that’s what people thought it was.
{Because, the whole crowd ERUPTS upon hearing one singular line.}
“GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!”
Hawke: NO! IT CAN’T BE! IT ACTUALLY CANNOT BE HIM!
Randy: SPIKE! SPIKE! SPIKE KANE IS HERE! SPIKE KANE IS ENTERING THE RUMBLE AND HE’S GOT EYES ON DONZIG!
Hawke: ARE WE EVEN SURE—OHMYGODITACTUALLYISHIM!
“Bow Down” by I Prevail makes the entire stadium shake, the sold out crowd are jumping around in pure excitement, they have waited a long time for the devil to rise once more! The hooded Spike Kane walks through the curtain and keeps his head down, Donzig is in pure fucking shock by the fact that Spike Kane is even standing right now! He’s not want to believe that it’s him—but wait, someone slides into the ring right behind Donzig! IT’S SPIKE KANE! SPIKE KANE IS IN THE RING AND HE SPINS DONZIG AROUND! THUNDERSTRUCK! THE STUNNER! THE STUNNER! DONZIG IS SHOOK! AND SPIKE SENDS DONZIG INTO THE ROPES! BLOOD GOD’S WRATH!
Hawke: SPIKE KANE HAS STRUCK! BACK FROM THE DEAD ONCE MORE, HE’S GOT HIS SIGHTS ON DONZIG!
Randy: I’m hearing from Mongo through this earpiece here that he’s not an official entrant, so we’ve got two more once we’ve cleared the ring of the chaos happening around here—HERE COMES CROSS RECOBA!
Cross grabs onto Donzig and brings him back up onto his feet once Spike leaves the ring and he throws him over the ropes! Donzig is out of the match!
Bonnie Jenkins: DONZIG has been eliminated. (1:45:30)
And now, finally, we can get to an actual entrant heading into the match!
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The lights dim, blue and gold spotlights slowly circle around the darkened arena. The haunting vocal intro to “The Hard Sell” by Coheed and Cambria plays. The tron came to life when the lights dimmed and displayed "And now … REIGN presents … its MAIN ATTRACTION!" A foot shatters the screen as the guitar rocks the arena. DT slowly walks into a blue spotlight on the stage with his head down hidden under a hoodie. It's black and has his custom interlocking DT logo with an Italian flag and mariners compass on it on the back. He stands in the spotlight and slowly looks up showing off his signature bowler hat and sunglasses under the hood.
"I'm paranoid and sick of this world's misconception of things I did. My language poured across this wrist in a metaphoric disaster.
My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
He slowly pushes the hood back revealing a serious face as he lowers his sunglasses before pulling them off and placing them in his hoodie pocket as he gazes around the cozy arena. The spotlights turn into one tracking light following him to the ring as he high fives the fans along the entryway.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty-four – representing REIGN – THE MAIN ATTRACTION!... DEATH TRAP!
"I stood by everything I loved, while you never understood me much.
Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing.
There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing.
There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
He unzips the hoodie, revealing his “Main Attraction World Tour” shirt as he moves towards the ring and drops the hoodie to the floor as he reaches the ring steps. He stops on the ring steps to look out at the crowd. He climbs to the apron and spins, hooking his arms over the top rope. A blue spotlight illuminates DT in the ring as the crowd erupts for the XHF Legend. Death Trap enters the ring and he comes face to face with Cross Recoba, a staredown for the ages happening here but Cross’ attention is taken away from the legend as Natasha enters the ring and she’s going right for Recoba! The history between these two is enough to burn multiple bridges! They’re going right for the corner and Natasha might actually want to kill Cross! However, the attention is turned away from Cross and Natasha and onto Death Trap and Zoran Sainovic staring one another down. These two seem to hold a lot of a grudge against one another. They simply stare one another down. But, sadly, the moment is ruined by one man. The X*Crown Champion was about to enter the match as the countdown began.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
:: BZZZZRT ::
:: BZZZZRT ::
The lights dim and everything is quiet before what sounds like a choir of children chanting in latin.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
Ira vehementi.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
The haunting intro to "One Winged Angel" begins to play and the lights cut to pitch black, save for three spotlights on the stage. As the music crescendos into the rock, three figures step from the back. All with silver hair and dark masks that vaguely resemble familiar faces to the XHF. The masks resemble Rob Arnold, Adrien Cochrane, and Zoran Sainovic. A fourth figure with longer flowy silver hair and a large sword, a Masamune for the nerds, emerges behind them. The three Remnants of former X*Crown Champions all fall to their knees and with a fell swoop, the main attraction beheads each of the former X*Crown Champs. The lights come up and Dylan Black drops the Masamune and stands on the stage, head bowed before throwing one arm out and a large black wing swings out from his back!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing entrant number thirty-five – representing GUNS – THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION!... DYLAN BLACK!
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
Sephiroth!
Sephiroth!
Ira vehementi.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi.
Sephiroth!
Sephiroth!
Dylan marches down to the ring with the X*Crown Championship in hand as the chants to "One Winged Angel" continue. The X*Crown Championship shines around his waist through his jacket. He stops at the edge of the ringside area and just watches the participants fight in the ring. A smirk upon his face. Letting them continue his dirty work. Dylan slowly begins taking off his jacket and accessories as the song continues.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
SEPHIROTH!
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Veni, veni, venias,
Ne me mori facias.
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
Gloriosa Generosa...
SEPHIROTH!
As the last chant is spoken Dylan slides into the ring. Dylan takes a look around the ring and he sees the mass amount of bodies around him, all wreckage of the past two hours that have come and gone. Dylan is coming in as the freshest ever and he’s soaking in the moment, staring at Death Trap and his tag team partner, Zoran Sainovic. The large smile is almost wiped away immediately as Dominicus grabs Dylan from behind and sends him over the ropes and onto the floor!
DYLAN BLACK IS ELIMINATED!
… or not, actually, he lands on the apron and he’s got Dominicus by the mask, pulling him over the ropes and throwing Dominicus into the ring post as hard as he could, making the villainous one spin through the air before finally hitting the floor below.
Bonnie Jenkins: LORD DOMINICUS has been eliminated. (1:52:48)
Dylan Black scores his first elimination of the match as he heads back into the ring and it seems everyone is on one side of the ring because on the other side of the ring were the behemoths of the match. Jesse Jamester and BEEF were standing across from everyone else inside of the ring and they gestured for them all to come for a fight and they did! They storm towards the two and they’re fighting their way through, Jesse and BEEF are doing their best to fight against the crowd but it seems to get too much for them—that is until they both power through and push everyone away! Natasha is the first to get the attack on but Jesse sends her down onto the floor below with a Back Body Drop!
Bonnie Jenkins: NATASHA has been eliminated. (1:53:58)
BEEF is holding his ground but they’re all going for the biggest elimination of the match and Jesse isn’t helping his behemoth brother out, he’s actually helping to eliminate him as BEEF goes over the ropes after being pushed over by Cross Recoba, Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black, Death Trap, and Jack Diamond!
Bonnie Jenkins: BEEF has been eliminated. (1:54:23)
Hawke: WOW! WHAT A PERFORMANCE FROM BEEF! The past hour of his fight might’ve been on the outside but he held out from being eliminated for a total of one hour, fifty minutes, and thirty-two seconds! That is an achievement worth mentioning, he’s the XHF Iron Man in this year’s Rumble for sure! I don’t think anyone else is close to that!
Randy: You’re right, nobody is even close to that and you’ve gotta commend that feat.
Now, the focus was put onto Jesse Jamester but he’s fighting through them all and succeeding! Kicks, punches, and chops to them all. There’s only eight people left but it’s Jesse Jamester vs The World with seven people looking to eliminate him! Zoran Sainovic goes on the attack and Jesse takes him over and onto the apron, Zoran – however – grabs the Murder Lizard from behind and locks in a Dragon Sleeper submission! Jesse is trapped and Zoran’s in a bad position where he’s standing! Jesse hoists Zoran up and finds himself in a vertical position, putting Zoran into the Tombstone Piledriver position. Steve Awesome looks towards the tower, as does Dylan Black, and Steve lands the Thigh Slapper Superkick onto the right knee whilst Dylan targets the left knee with his own Superkick! Jesse, in this moment, drops down to his knees and he inadvertently drives Zoran’s head into the mat with The Violent Grave!
Dylan and Steve now begin their brawl and they’re going back and forth with the punches, just swinging for one another and making sure that they’re not going anywhere near the ropes! Punch after punch after punch from either man keeps them in the same spot but with Steve rocking backward? He saw the perfect opportunity to land the Thigh Slapper Superkick right onto the jaw of the champion! Dylan falls back into the ropes but he rebounds instantly and connects with the Disasterpiece! Steve has now fallen into the ropes and he bounces off of the ropes himself, and another Thigh Slapper Superkick lands! Dylan is rocked and Steve picks the champion up onto his shoulders, falling back into the ropes and seeking an elimination of Dylan Black! STEVE-KO! BUT NO! DYLAN HANGS ON AND HE LEAPS! HEADSTRONG SENDS STEVE OVER THE ROPES AND HIS HEAD HITS THE APRON! HE’S OUT OF THE MATCH! STEVE IS ELIMINATED!
Bonnie Jenkins: STEVE AWESOME has been eliminated. (1:57:28)
Hawke: What an elimination from the champion and he saved himself when it mattered the most, but I don’t think that he’s safe just yet, look at everyone keeping their eyes on Dylan as he re-entered the ring.
Randy: He’s the champion, of course. You eliminate him, we’ve a guaranteed new champion in the line of sight for the winner.
There were seven people left inside of the Rumble match right now. Zoran Sainovic, Jesse Jamester, Bloodied Fox, Jack Diamond, Cross Recoba, Death Trap, and Dylan Black. They were all down on the mat, slowly rising to their feet and looking towards one another. This seemed to have been a lot to look forward to for everyone watching inside of the stadium. Dylan Black stayed away from everyone and exited under the bottom rope, Cross Recoba went right for Jesse Jamester, Death Trap went for Zoran Sainovic, and Bloodied Fox was dealing with Jack Diamond in the corner! Diamond was fighting off Fox but they wanted to make sure that this wasn’t going down like last time, this has to be their win! Fox fought not-so-valiantly and he made sure he took every cheap shot to win this match. Diamond continued to fight back and he got Fox away from him, but here came Cross after seeing the opening in front of him—separating away from Jesse and going for the DROPKICK THAT SENDS THE TAPOUT OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION OUT OF THE RING!
Bonnie Jenkins: JACK DIAMOND has been eliminated. (1:59:27)
Hawke: MY GOD! THE ELIMINATION OF ALL ELIMINATIONS!
Randy: The rumours of these two after the events leading into tonight was just keeping everyone on their toes, thinking when they’d clash and that’s the moment everyone waited for. Jack has been eliminated by his boss, he’s been eliminated by Cross Recoba.
Jack was in complete shock by that out-of-nowhere elimination but he knew that would’ve happened sooner than later. Fox was slightly pissed off by the fact that he didn’t get that elimination but Cross was persistent in getting another elimination and he was very close, he went back to work on Jamester and now holding Jesse’s legs over his head and almost about to eliminate but here comes Dylan Black on the outside! He’s pulled Jesse out of the ring, scoring Dylan and Cross the elimination credit!
Bonnie Jenkins: JESSE JAMESTER has been eliminated. (2:00:02)
Hawke: What a snake! What a total snake Dylan is!
Randy: It’s strategy, it’s being smart!
Dylan began to run around the ring to hide from the Murder Lizard but he was in pure defeat, the feeling of dread sank in for Jesse as we looked back into the ring. Now, we were down to five people left in the match but only four were inside of the ring. Zoran and Death Trap were still beating one another to a bloodied pulp as Recoba and Fox seemed to have a stare down. This was the final stretch for them all and the two men just nodded towards one another … but two people entered the ring and they stuck behind Cross Recoba! SERIOS and King Submaxiswear entered the ring and they’re attacking Cross Recoba! They’re beating the hell out of him! Fox is simply watching in the corner with a widened smile along his face, Dylan remained on the outside of the ring but he was watching the chaos unfold, trying to keep himself distanced from this. SERIOS and Submaxiswear both picked up Recoba and threw him up into the air, with SERIOS driving his knee right into the head of Recoba!
Fox, being in control of the two, gestured for them to head to the outside and bring their focus onto the champion himself. Dylan Black went running around to keep him safe but they cornered him, launching the attack whilst Fox focused on Recoba inside of the ring. The Bloodied Rainmaker grabbed the hair of the HKW World Champion and dragged him up onto his feet, throwing him into the ropes and he went over with ease, making him the next eliminated and seeing the match fall down to four men.
Bonnie Jenkins: CROSS RECOBA has been eliminated. (2:02:17)
Hawke: Oh god.
Randy: This shouldn’t be allowed at all, this shouldn’t be happening at all.
Hawke: I mean, can we get someone to stop this!? THEY’RE ATTACKING DYLAN AND BEATING HIM SENSELESS ON THE OUTSIDE!
Randy: Yeah, and it seems like Fox is just about to join in on the fun as well.
Bloodied Fox did, indeed, head out of the ring and he gestured for both SERIOS and Submaxiswear to clear the ring table. There was a clear direction that these two were going for and that was to put Dylan through the table and that’s what SERIOS was out to do, clearing the table away for the attack to commence. Inside of the ring was Death Trap finally getting the better of Zoran Sainovic in the corner and the blood running down his body, a burst of adrenaline going through his body. However – SERIOS, Submaxiswear, and Fox set up the Triple Powerbomb and they drove Dylan’s body right through the table! That left the trio to the two inside of the ring, which they watched with a keen eye. Death Trap slowly began to stop and was breathing heavily as he collapsed onto the mat, leaving himself and Zoran in a bloodied mess and just barely able to move. This was when Fox would enter the match and get involved, stomping the hell out of Zoran and making sure that he suffers a fate worse than death.
Death Trap watched as Zoran was being beaten the living shit out of, he was lifeless, he wasn’t even reacting or responding to any of the strikes that Fox was landing right to the head. Fox was out to murder Zoran for all of the pain that he has caused him for the past year and Death Trap is watching, he’s seeing the trouble that Zoran was in, and with one final last stand? He grabs onto Fox and throws him across the ring before grabbing Zoran, pulling him up onto his feet, and throwing him over the ropes! Zoran has been eliminated – and saved – by Death Trap!
Bonnie Jenkins: ZORAN SAINOVIC has been eliminated. (2:05:31)
This act of bravery, and mercy for Zoran, seemed to have been the mistake that might cost Death Trap his last chance of ever touching the X*Crown Championship as Fox rushes into The Main Attraction with a MDK Kick, simply knocking Death Trap out and that was the signal for SERIOS and Submaxiswear to enter the ring – they were focused on getting Death Trap back up onto his feet as Fox backed himself into the far opposite corner, eyeing up Trap and connecting with another MDK Kick!
Bloodied Fox: GET HIM UP!
They obliged, bringing Death Trap up onto his feet and being set up for Fox to land the Bloody Rain!
Bloodied Fox: AGAIN!
As before, they brought him back up onto his feet and here came Fox with another Bloody Rain.
Bloodied Fox: AGAIN!
Death Trap was brought to his feet but before he could be hit, he simply fell to the mat and was knocked out. Fox didn’t waste any time in making sure that he felt pain, stomping down on his head and making sure that both of his vultures watched the champion as he was getting back to his feet, but they were distracted by two more men getting into the ring! Brendan Harding and Jack Gaines entered the ring and pushed the other two away, with all four of them going on the attack, leaving Fox confused as to what was happening in front of him. Finally, it was only Brendan and Fox inside of the ring.
Brendan Harding: Peter.
Bloodied Fox: Brendan, get out of here before you get hurt.
Brendan Harding: No, not until you realize everything wrong you’ve done here.
Bloodied Fox: The right thing? The thing that will help me win this? I’m only doing what’s best for me, Brendan.
Brendan Harding: And I can’t let you do what is “best for you” any longer. Please, just accept that this is all wrong and we—
DISASTERPIECE TO BRENDAN HARDING! DYLAN BLACK CAME BACK INTO THE RING WITH A FIRE IN HIS EYES UNSEEN SINCE THE ANOMOLY DAYS! HE’S PISSED OFF COMPLETELY AND HE’S TAKING DOWN EVERYONE IN HIS PATH! LARIAT TO SERIOS! DISCUS PUNCH TO JACK! SHOTGUN DROPKICK TO SUBMAXISWEAR! HE’S TAKING DOWN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN FRONT OF HIM AND NOW, FOCUS ON FOX, HE’S TAKING THE FIGHT TO FOX WITH A WILD SERIES OF HARD PUNCHES!
Hawke: DO YOU SEE WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU?!
Randy: I do, and I’m loving this! I can’t believe that I’m about to cheer on Dylan but … COME ON DYLAN!
SERIOS gets back to his feet and he’s thrown over the ropes, Submaxiswear is back to his feet but he’s actually TOSSED out of the ring and onto the pile of SERIOS, Brendan Harding and Jack Gaines! Dylan brings his attention onto Fox, who’s trying to recover along the ropes, but Dylan comes charging in with the Disasterpiece! A very hard-hitting knee right to the head of Fox almost knocked him out entirely. However, the champion’s focus was on Death Trap in the ring. Dylan grabs onto Trap and throws him over the ropes, hoping that was the last he’d see of him in this match but he only manages to hang on and keep himself in the match, slowly going through the bottom rope to enter the ring but DYLAN LANDS THE DYNAMIC OUTRO AND HE SENDS DEATH TRAP OUT OF THE RING! HE’S GONE!
Bonnie Jenkins: DEATH TRAP has been eliminated. (2:10:03)
Hawke: WE’RE DOWN TO THE FINAL TWO! Dylan Black, the champion and winner of two years ago, against Bloodied Fox, last year’s runner up! This is down to the wire but if Dylan’s change of attitude is anything to note? We’re gonna see the champion retain in one of the toughest matches to date!
Randy: I don’t know, if Fox can get his henchmen to get back involved? It’s going to be over for Dylan’s reign.
Fox and Dylan stared at one another and Dylan is breathing fire, not literally, but he’s wanting this win for himself. Dylan launches himself forward for another Disasterpiece but Fox counters, comes behind Dylan and hoists him up into the air—LEVIATHAN SUPLEX! DYLAN GETS DROPPED DOWN HARD ONTO HIS NECK! This wasn’t good for Dylan as he’s picked up a thrown into the ropes, going over but landing on the apron! Dylan is hanging on for dear life as Fox comes rushing forward to land the MDK Kick–but Dylan grabs onto Fox and tosses him onto the apron with him! Fox and Dylan begin to trade punches before Dylan is LARIATED back into the ring! That might’ve been the moment that Dylan saw as his opening opportunity as he rebounded off of the ropes and rushed to connect the Disasterpiece but Fox pulled the rope down and then right back up as one leg of Dylan went over the rope! Dylan was trapped and now in position for Fox to grab onto him and land ANOTHER LEVIATHAN SUPLEX ON THE APRON AND THAT MAKES DYLAN FALL TO THE MAT! FOX WINS! FOX WINS! FOX HAS WON THE RUMBLE MATCH!
Hawke: Oh my god, no.
Randy: I can’t believe this.
DING! DING! DING!
“999999999 IN A DREAM” begins to play through the speakers inside of the stadium as we’re left with Bloodied Fox leaning on the ring apron, looking down at the runner up and now former XHF X*Crown Champion with a large grin along his face. The crowd were in complete disbelief and shock was running through the sold out stadium.
Bonnie Jenkins: Here is your winner – at a time of fifty-eight minutes, and fifty-nine seconds – and THE NEWWWWWWWWWW XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION!... THE ANTI-VILLAIN!... BLOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!
Fox finally found himself back inside of the ring, holding the XHF X*Crown Championship in his hands, as SERIOS and Submaxiswear re-enter the ring and join Fox in his celebration. The confetti, sporting a purple shade, falls down onto the ring as Bloodied Fox holds the championship up high and leaves the stunned crowd to finally soak in the new champion that they never expected to come.
Hawke: From out of the black, Bloodied Fox walked in and lasted nearly an hour to become our new XHF X*Crown Champion.
Randy: I… I don’t believe this. After everything that he did to make sure he got into the final two? I don’t know how to feel about this at all, especially after beating Dylan at his own game of stamina and strength to see him topple the champion at the very final hurdle by himself.
Hawke: I know that we said that Zoran was the lead into the darkest timeline, but this might be the worst of them all.
Randy: For once, I have to agree. We have, once again, stepped into the darkest timeline.
The confetti continued to fall as Fox was on the second turnbuckle in the corner, finding himself holding the title and keeping that evil grin along his face as we slowly fade to black on an eventful rumble.
CREDITS
Show Introduction - Death "Dave" Trap
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match - Death "Dave" Trap
XHF Tag Team Championship Match - Jesse "JJ" Jamester
GUNS Show Promo - El "Scorps/Venom/Rey" Combatiente
The 2023 Rumble Match - Jason "Maverick" Long
Show Introduction - Death "Dave" Trap
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match - Death "Dave" Trap
XHF Tag Team Championship Match - Jesse "JJ" Jamester
GUNS Show Promo - El "Scorps/Venom/Rey" Combatiente
The 2023 Rumble Match - Jason "Maverick" Long