No Longer Pregnant (BANG/May Race)
May 4, 2023 23:41:10 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by ForeverKuroi on May 4, 2023 23:41:10 GMT -5
XHF Rumble
April 30th, 2023
April 30th, 2023
”Get out of the way! Get out of the way!”
Copycat opens his eyes. He’s on a stretcher. He sees EMTs pushing out bystanders as they make their way to the ambulance. Copycat tries to lift his head to assess the situation, but one of the other paramedics puts his hand on his shoulder.
EMT: Don’t move and stay down. You were in a serious accident. We’re taking you to the hospital. We’ll take this from here.
Copycat forces himself to stay down as the EMTs take him into the ambulance. The sirens blare and the engines push hard to rush to the hospital. All he can do is think out loud.
Copycat: I don’t know how… How could Zoran do that to me? We hung out all the time. Perhaps he didn’t see me? Yeah! That’s it! Zoran couldn’t see me! Even though we were both in the ring right under the spotlight… And he turned, just to me… And I introduced myself to him… No, he couldn’t have done that to me, right?
Copycat’s thoughts get so intense that he has deafened the sounds of machines beeping and sirens blazing out of his brain. He doesn’t even notice the EMTs putting pressure on the wound to slow down the bleeding. Instead, the pain is coming… from his heart. Copycat begins to reminisce on his past friendship with Zoran, and adding his own bias on the memories as the human mind is known to do.
Copycat: We were friends…
Copycat: No, we were best friends!
Copycat: And in a way, we loved each other as friends could…
The beeping comes back, but goes slower and slower…
Copycat: Zoran, how… could… you…
EMT: We’re losing him! Hurry up and get to the hospital faster!
Some time later, Copycat wakes up in the hospital. A nurse is by his bedside.
Nurse: Oh, you’re awake!
Copycat: Ouch…
Nurse: It’ll hurt. You stay there. The doctor’s going to be any minu- Oh, there he is.
As suggested, the doctor walks into the room. He washes his hands with Purrell and pulls out a flashlight pen. He starts to check Copycat’s pupils.
Doctor: You’re awake. Good.
Copycat: How’s my baby?
The doctor pulls up a wheeled stool and pulls up close.
Doctor: We… need to talk about that.
Gulp.
Copycat: Please! Just tell me that my baby is OK!
Doctor: I’m sorry…
Copycat: OH GOD!
Doctor: No, you need to hear me out, Copycat. You’re not pregnant.
Copycat: Doctor, I’m 39 weeks pregnant! I’m about to give birth any day now!
Doctor: No. Copycat, you were never pregnant. You don’t have a uterus. You don’t have ovaries. It’s physically impossible.
Copycat: I tested positive on all the pregnancy tests!
Doctor: I know, but-
Copycat: My stomach’s just bulging out of my shirt!
Doctor: Copycat, please listen to me.
Copycat: I feel the baby kick every now and then! My feet swell and my back aches!
Doctor: Copycat, please. I’ll explain everything. When you were out, we did a couple of CT scans to see the extent of the damage caused, and we found something in your brain. A couple of tumors.
Copycat: …Tumors?
Doctor: Luckily, they seem to be benign, but they may have been releasing hormones which caused a false pregnancy when taking those tests. We’re working with a neurosurgeon to look over the scans we got, but it seems to be easily operable. You’ll have to take some time off work though. At least two or so months.
Copycat: You’re… You’re joshing me! I gained so much weight!
Doctor: One of our residents is a big wrestling fan, and he showed me some of your promos. We’re estimating you’ve consumed about 5,000 calories a day. Copycat, that’s not a baby. That’s just body fat that you’ve tacked on.
Copycat: But the belly kicks and… I even lactated a little!
Doctor: Yes. It’s a mix between the hormones within your body and a phenomenon that we call sympathetic pregnancy. It’s harmless but your body is controlled by your mind, and long story short, you essentially tricked yourself into believing that you’re pregnant. You thought you were pregnant and your body acted the way it was told to.
Copycat: Oh… So those mozzarella sticks that got me sick to my stomach because of the pregnancy hormones kicking in… Those are OK to eat now?
Doctor: No, Copycat. You’re extremely obese.
Copycat: …Oh. Oh, yeah.
Doctor: We’ll have a nutritionist coming in shortly. But the bleed that you got was the re-opening of an old wound that you got that never healed right. We worked on it, and restitched the wound.
A tear drips down Copycat’s eye.
Copycat: …Thanks doc.
Doctor: No problem. And I’m sure your teammate will do just fine in your CAR race.
Copycat: …Huh?
The scene cuts to Terry Bradshaw sitting next to the Copycorvette. Reeshi looks on incredulously.
Reeshi: Are you sure this is going to be a good idea?
Bradshaw: Reeshi, you’re great at wrestling, being the longest-reigning XHF Champion of all time. But when it comes to HEART, you know jack diamond squat! Our friend Copycat needs us and we can’t have the world just think he’s nowhere to be found!
Reeshi: Well what the hell are you going to do about it? Pull him out of the hospital?
Terry Bradshaw smirks.
Bradshaw: In a manner of speaking.
Terry Bradshaw looks down to the ground and sees his smiling face in a puddle.
Bradshaw: Don’t worry, Copycat, my boy. I’ll keep your seat warm.
That’s when…
Fade out.