Trader Sam's Grog Grotto
May 9, 2023 7:08:40 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on May 9, 2023 7:08:40 GMT -5
(We see inside the palatial estate of Disney’s only wrestler. Marty Donovan, dressed in his finest khakis and pink polo, is busy tidying things up. Marty walks into his bedroom and freezes in fear. On the floor is a dagger with the word “LUSTFUL LIAR” painted on the blade.)
Marty: Zoran.
(The door to the room swings closed. Behind it waits a shirtless Deacon Oldham.)
Deacon: You’ll wish it was just a Serbian slaughterer.
Marty: Dude, how are you already back here? We took you to the airport three days ago.
Deacon: And from there I went off the grid, hiding in a remote spot known only to the egrets and gators.
Marty: That little lake behind the Publix?
Deacon: Precisely.
Marty: Neat, so why exactly did you have me waste 500 bucks on a first class ticket?
Deacon: To give a false sense of safety. All it took was a little distance for your true, perverse nature to reveal itself. I secretly returned to this house of sin and found my daughter's possessions no longer in her alleged bedroom. You lied to me. There was no pillow fight training. There never even was an orphan.
Marty: Oh, the orphan is real. Ask any Gamestop manager.
Deacon: Quit yapping and fight me. This is obviously a mismatch, so I brought you a knife. Go ahead and pick it up by the handle. That’s the end you’re not acquainted with.
(For once, neither blades nor big game hunters bother Marty. He is actually smiling at Deacon, as if there is some joke he's not in on.)
Marty: You need to be less concerned with this house’s sleeping arrangements and more so its escape routes.
(Deacon slaps his knee and laughs.)
Deacon: Big talk from a little Marty Mouse.
Marty: I’m not trapped in here with you.
(An alert goes off on Marty’s phone. He hands it to Deacon. On the screen is security footage of the driveway. Mother’s Day balloons are tied to the mailbox. Out of an airport limo steps an older woman who resembles Ollie. Deacon goes pale at the sight of his ex-wife.)
Marty: You’re trapped in here with Pearl.
( Deacon grabs him by the shoulders.)
Deacon: You have to get me out of here!
Marty: Wow, you’re terrified. It’s a good thing Saddam didn’t have a platoon of ski resort concierges.
Deacon: You don’t know my whore ex-wife. You don’t want to know her. I’m a teddy bear compared to that blood sucking banshee.
Marty: Actually, I met her at Christmas. Pearl loves me.
(Deacon glares at Marty.)
Deacon: You’re just the fucking worst.
Marty: Yeah? Well, I’m also the only one with a walk in closet of Disney disguises. Promise you’ll stop showing up unannounced and I will lend you one.
Deacon: Absolutely not. My daughter…
(The doorbell rings and Deacon recoils in fear. He shakes Marty’s hand. The shot changes to downstairs. Marty opens the front door and playfully fakes confusion.)
Marty: Olivia, what are you doing home from work early? I was expecting your mother!
(Pearl, rocking a “MONTANA MAMA BEAR” shirt, laughs like crazy and embraces Marty.)
Pearl: Marty! I'm so sorry about your title match. How is the leg?
Marty: It's getting better. I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine.
( Deacon trudges into the room, safely hidden in a Goofy costume. He reluctantly hands his ex-wife a bouquet of flowers.)
Pearl: Goofy!
(She hugs the costumed character. Marty takes a picture as Deacon tries to suppress his rage.)
Marty: Isn’t Goofy so huggable? He’s a great dancer too.
( Somehow, the expressionless character mask stares daggers at the grinning Marty.)
Marty: Don’t be shy. Dance for us you big goof.
( Deacon begins to angrily perform the chicken dance as he heads out the front door.)
Marty: Pearl, can I get you anything?
Pearl: Just a son-in-law!
(Deacon tosses off the Goofy head and storms back into the house.)
Deacon: Come on, woman! Have you lost your damn mind? HIM?
Pearl: DEACON!
( Marty stares at Deacon in disbelief. Cut to an exhausted Ollie standing inside Trader Sam's Grog Grotto. Her phone rings and the screen reads “<3 Martini <3”. She answers.)
Ollie: Hey! The tour finally ended. I’m heading home now.
Marty: Great! We’re just a Tinto away from having everyone you love under one roof.
Ollie: Well, as much as it pains you to hear this, everyone would include my dad.
(Ollie laughs. There is a long pause and a faint argument can be heard in the background.)
Marty: Yeah, we’re just a 7 year old away.
( Ollie’s expression changes to horror. She signals the bartender for a drink. We cut back to the living room where Marty sits on a couch between the two.)
Pearl: Who are you to criticize Marty? At least he wasn’t always away on some hunting trip.
Deacon: Get real. I was keeping my family safe by reducing the black bear population.
Marty: I can think of something we’re all hunting for, good employees! Thankfully, there is ZipRecruiter!
(The shoot zooms out and we see Marty has set up his podcasting equipment on the table. No one can stop the former couple's bickering, but it sure can be monetized. The shot fades out.)
Marty: Zoran.
(The door to the room swings closed. Behind it waits a shirtless Deacon Oldham.)
Deacon: You’ll wish it was just a Serbian slaughterer.
Marty: Dude, how are you already back here? We took you to the airport three days ago.
Deacon: And from there I went off the grid, hiding in a remote spot known only to the egrets and gators.
Marty: That little lake behind the Publix?
Deacon: Precisely.
Marty: Neat, so why exactly did you have me waste 500 bucks on a first class ticket?
Deacon: To give a false sense of safety. All it took was a little distance for your true, perverse nature to reveal itself. I secretly returned to this house of sin and found my daughter's possessions no longer in her alleged bedroom. You lied to me. There was no pillow fight training. There never even was an orphan.
Marty: Oh, the orphan is real. Ask any Gamestop manager.
Deacon: Quit yapping and fight me. This is obviously a mismatch, so I brought you a knife. Go ahead and pick it up by the handle. That’s the end you’re not acquainted with.
(For once, neither blades nor big game hunters bother Marty. He is actually smiling at Deacon, as if there is some joke he's not in on.)
Marty: You need to be less concerned with this house’s sleeping arrangements and more so its escape routes.
(Deacon slaps his knee and laughs.)
Deacon: Big talk from a little Marty Mouse.
Marty: I’m not trapped in here with you.
(An alert goes off on Marty’s phone. He hands it to Deacon. On the screen is security footage of the driveway. Mother’s Day balloons are tied to the mailbox. Out of an airport limo steps an older woman who resembles Ollie. Deacon goes pale at the sight of his ex-wife.)
Marty: You’re trapped in here with Pearl.
( Deacon grabs him by the shoulders.)
Deacon: You have to get me out of here!
Marty: Wow, you’re terrified. It’s a good thing Saddam didn’t have a platoon of ski resort concierges.
Deacon: You don’t know my whore ex-wife. You don’t want to know her. I’m a teddy bear compared to that blood sucking banshee.
Marty: Actually, I met her at Christmas. Pearl loves me.
(Deacon glares at Marty.)
Deacon: You’re just the fucking worst.
Marty: Yeah? Well, I’m also the only one with a walk in closet of Disney disguises. Promise you’ll stop showing up unannounced and I will lend you one.
Deacon: Absolutely not. My daughter…
(The doorbell rings and Deacon recoils in fear. He shakes Marty’s hand. The shot changes to downstairs. Marty opens the front door and playfully fakes confusion.)
Marty: Olivia, what are you doing home from work early? I was expecting your mother!
(Pearl, rocking a “MONTANA MAMA BEAR” shirt, laughs like crazy and embraces Marty.)
Pearl: Marty! I'm so sorry about your title match. How is the leg?
Marty: It's getting better. I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine.
( Deacon trudges into the room, safely hidden in a Goofy costume. He reluctantly hands his ex-wife a bouquet of flowers.)
Pearl: Goofy!
(She hugs the costumed character. Marty takes a picture as Deacon tries to suppress his rage.)
Marty: Isn’t Goofy so huggable? He’s a great dancer too.
( Somehow, the expressionless character mask stares daggers at the grinning Marty.)
Marty: Don’t be shy. Dance for us you big goof.
( Deacon begins to angrily perform the chicken dance as he heads out the front door.)
Marty: Pearl, can I get you anything?
Pearl: Just a son-in-law!
(Deacon tosses off the Goofy head and storms back into the house.)
Deacon: Come on, woman! Have you lost your damn mind? HIM?
Pearl: DEACON!
( Marty stares at Deacon in disbelief. Cut to an exhausted Ollie standing inside Trader Sam's Grog Grotto. Her phone rings and the screen reads “<3 Martini <3”. She answers.)
Ollie: Hey! The tour finally ended. I’m heading home now.
Marty: Great! We’re just a Tinto away from having everyone you love under one roof.
Ollie: Well, as much as it pains you to hear this, everyone would include my dad.
(Ollie laughs. There is a long pause and a faint argument can be heard in the background.)
Marty: Yeah, we’re just a 7 year old away.
( Ollie’s expression changes to horror. She signals the bartender for a drink. We cut back to the living room where Marty sits on a couch between the two.)
Pearl: Who are you to criticize Marty? At least he wasn’t always away on some hunting trip.
Deacon: Get real. I was keeping my family safe by reducing the black bear population.
Marty: I can think of something we’re all hunting for, good employees! Thankfully, there is ZipRecruiter!
(The shoot zooms out and we see Marty has set up his podcasting equipment on the table. No one can stop the former couple's bickering, but it sure can be monetized. The shot fades out.)