Die with Dignity
May 10, 2023 17:09:05 GMT -5
Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001), robriot, and 1 more like this
Post by Rage and Cage on May 10, 2023 17:09:05 GMT -5
The scene opens in Rage and Cage’s suite in the Turning Stone Resort and Casino owned by Wesley Crane. Nicholas Honest Cage is sitting on the couch holding a book upside-down. He’s trying to create the image that he’s an avid reader, but failing. Cage “suddenly notices” the camera and puts down the book.
Cage: You caught me! Reading’s a big hobby of mine. Ever since joining the High Rollers Club, I’ve become a man of sophistication. I’ve also become a man of patience. You see, my brother and I were due a shot at the tag team titles at Dominion, but that’s not happening. But, hey, when God closes a door, Satan kicks it in! My brother will be earning the number one contendership to the Commonwealth Title, or Bastard Title, to the unsophisticated. We can win the tag titles, any time! I’ve got to do some promotion of Renfield, so it works out!
Cage hops up and walks to his right. He opens the door to find “Woke” Wesley Rage checking himself out in the mirror. Rage just got out of the shower, and he’s holding his towel…without using his hands. Rage gives the “‘sup” nod to his brother and the camera.
Cage: You might want to cover up.
Rage: Why? No one should ever be ashamed of their bodies. Even those seven other guys in my Commonwealth Title match should be proud. I’m all about body positivity and will not shame any of my opponents.
Cage: I meant this might not be hosted online, if you lose your boner.
Rage chuckles.
Rage: I could do this all day!
Rage sees that his brother is serious and frowns. He puts on the towel properly while grumbling.
Rage: Stupid Puritan heritage!
Rage walks out of the bathroom and into the living. He holds his arms out like he’s saying, “What do you want?” Cage jumps in.
Cage: I’ll be the interviewer for you, bro!
Cage dashes off into the kitchen and comes back with a large spoon to use as a mic. He speaks into it.
Cage: “Woke” Wesley Rage, how do you feel about your Commonwealth Title match at Dominion?
Camera Man: You know it’s not for the title, right?
Cage: Shut up!
Cage turns back to his brother.
Rage: Pretty good.
Cage looks bumfuzzled.
Cage: Just leaving me to hang here?
Rage snorts and motions for the “mic” to be pointed back at him.
Rage: I feel pretty good, Nic. This match is proof of the charity and brilliance of Wesley Crane!
Cage: How so?
Rage: Everyone knew that Mr. Crane wanted to be the one to humble Frank Windsor. Frank knew that, too. That’s why he ran away.
Cage: I heard it scheduled time off.
Rage: So he does the biggest thing he’ll ever do in his career, then disappears? Damn, that’s stupid. I’m glad I’m with Big Brain Crane and not Smooth Brain Windsor.
Cage: Yeah! Windsor’s brain’s so smooth, that if friction didn’t exist, it could roll for eternity.
Rage: That’s about the only thing he’ll do that people’ll remember!
Both men share a laugh.
Rage: Like I was saying, Mr. Crane wanted that honor for himself, but he was busy. He’s decided to give that honor to me. I’m impressed how much our boss has embraced my Communist principles.
Cage: Stand up guy!
Rage: He’s what billionaires should aspire to be. But, being kind to me wasn’t the only generous thing he’s done.
Cage: What else did he do?
Rage: Have you looked at the list of the other seven people in the match? I have, and I couldn’t name one other person in the match. I try not to be cruel to other humans, so this actually works for me.
Rage smugly nods at his good fortune.
Rage: And I don’t mean any disrespect. These guys are part of the proletariat that I champion. The current capitalist state of wrestling doesn’t work for any of these guys. They don’t stand out in any way. They’re just fodder for the rest of us. These guys aren’t good enough to be in a tag team like us or to even be in proper one on one matches. This is where Mr. Crane comes in.
Cage leans in.
Rage: He knew I was the default challenger to the Commonwealth Title, but knew those other guys wouldn’t make the big payoff. I mean, look at the list, they’re just not big names or important in any way. Knowing that, Mr. Crane used his mental judo to get Old Man Blood to put them in a match. It’s win-win! These poor guys get paid while I get a tune-up for Smooth Brain Frank.
Cage thinks for a second.
Cage: Isn’t Takaru in a tag team?
Rage: I thought you didn’t know who was in the match.
Cage: It’s weird, right?
Rage: Takaru and Oni are the Android of tag teams. Like Android phones are technically phones, those two are technically a tag team, but are they really?
Cage: Nah.
Rage: There you go.
Cage: Should I look up who else is in the match?
Rage: Why bother?
Cage: I never thought about it like that.
Rage: I’m fighting Smooth Brain for the title. It’s that simple. Everyone else is just happy to be in the ring with me at Dominion, and I understand that. I’ll even sign autographs for them after I win. They can sell them on Ebay and make a little more money. I’m always happy to share the wealth.
Cage: I think they’d like that.
Rage: Maybe I can talk the boss into posing in some pictures with that. That’d really make their nights epic!
Cage: Dude, that’d be so sweet! They can post it on the ‘Gram and tell people they met the WUK World Champion! I mean, that’s just a wholesome ray of sunshine in their bleak little lives!
Rage: The High Rollers Club fixes what capitalism breaks.
Cage: And how about how this helps their mental health?
Rage: Great question, bro! I’ve heard that some of these guys think they can beat me. That means they’re suffering from some mental health problem and are too scared to get help. Maybe by sampling the white, creamy milk of human kindness that will come out of me and Mr. Crane, they will be inspired. This could be the night that saves their lives. I take that seriously. We’re all in this together.
Cage: Agreed.That milk is likely creamy and probably sticky.
Rage: It can be sweet, sticky nectar. Whatever metaphor you want.
Cage: That’s fair. So, you’re winning this match. This is pretty much a given. Any other words for your opponents?
Rage: Yeah. Don’t go full Ronnie Long. Long was foolish enough to believe his own hype after basically coming out of the crowd to win a battle royal. Now, by some fluke, he’s in a big match. The moron thinks he can actually win. Doesn’t he realize how much it’s going to hurt after Mr. Crane stomps his ass into the mat? Why do that to yourself? Just because Long’s set himself up to suffer doesn’t mean those other guys have to. My advice to them is to have fun! Enjoy the spotlight, the paycheck, and the chance to meet the High Rollers Club! Don’t be Ronnie Long. Be yourself!
Cage: That’s beautiful.
Rage: I know.
Cage: So let’s move on to Frank Windsor.
Rage: Yes, the Phantom of WUK! I’d love to tell him what I think to his face, but, in typical Bastard fashion, he turned into a pussy. Sadly, Frank, I fuck pussies!
Cage: For a long time!
Rage: And always with expressed, enthusiastic consent!
Cage: For sure. So Frank thought he was avoiding you by running away from Dominion, and, now, you have a title shot against him! Smooth Brain does it again!
Rage: For real. He needs some neurons in the worst way! I got to tell you, Nic, I’m looking forward to this.
Cage: Why?
Rage: It has been one desperate attempt after another for Frank and the Bastards as they try to steal the spotlight from the High Rollers Club. You know, I’ve heard they’re making Ronnie Long an unofficial Bastard. Pathetic!
Cage: Shameless!
Rage: As the past fades into oblivion, it loses all its dignity. I’m sure the Bastards were a big deal in 19-something. I’m sure they cried tears of joy when someone figured out how to get VHS tapes onto YouTube. Okay, cool, whatever. You can rewatch your glory days back when you mattered in professional wrestling. Enjoy! Be my guest! What pisses me off is that the Scheduled Colonoscopy Club of the Bastards and Ronnie Long won’t let go. Fuck, throw in Donzig, Eddie Havok and Psycotic Goth, too. I’m no ageist, but you can’t have the same old guys selfishly taking all the wealth. That’s why I fight in this Revolution!
Cage: It’s sad.
Rage: They take and give nothing back! The High Rollers Club gives as much as it takes. We are nothing but kindness and good will. We’re there for the little guy. Listen, I weep for those old men. The nonbinary Father Time is undefeated. They’re embarrassing themselves, and they don’t even know it.
Cage: It’s tragic when the mind goes. Did you know it took the Bastards six hours to find their car after Legacy?
Rage: I should pity them, and I feel horrible that I hate them. They’re scared and trembling. They know what’s coming, and they either have to choose wrath or acceptance. I wish they had the courage to choose acceptance. However, if they want to die with their boots on, the High Rollers Club will make their dreams come true.
Cage: It really is a mercy killing at this point.
Rage: Vermont now lets non-residents take advantage of their death with dignity program. I have no problem shepherding them to Vermont and comforting them in their final moments. Isn’t that better than being beaten to a bloody mess in the ring?
Cage: That’s the big question, bro! I’m sure all of WUK is asking it.
Cage: You caught me! Reading’s a big hobby of mine. Ever since joining the High Rollers Club, I’ve become a man of sophistication. I’ve also become a man of patience. You see, my brother and I were due a shot at the tag team titles at Dominion, but that’s not happening. But, hey, when God closes a door, Satan kicks it in! My brother will be earning the number one contendership to the Commonwealth Title, or Bastard Title, to the unsophisticated. We can win the tag titles, any time! I’ve got to do some promotion of Renfield, so it works out!
Cage hops up and walks to his right. He opens the door to find “Woke” Wesley Rage checking himself out in the mirror. Rage just got out of the shower, and he’s holding his towel…without using his hands. Rage gives the “‘sup” nod to his brother and the camera.
Cage: You might want to cover up.
Rage: Why? No one should ever be ashamed of their bodies. Even those seven other guys in my Commonwealth Title match should be proud. I’m all about body positivity and will not shame any of my opponents.
Cage: I meant this might not be hosted online, if you lose your boner.
Rage chuckles.
Rage: I could do this all day!
Rage sees that his brother is serious and frowns. He puts on the towel properly while grumbling.
Rage: Stupid Puritan heritage!
Rage walks out of the bathroom and into the living. He holds his arms out like he’s saying, “What do you want?” Cage jumps in.
Cage: I’ll be the interviewer for you, bro!
Cage dashes off into the kitchen and comes back with a large spoon to use as a mic. He speaks into it.
Cage: “Woke” Wesley Rage, how do you feel about your Commonwealth Title match at Dominion?
Camera Man: You know it’s not for the title, right?
Cage: Shut up!
Cage turns back to his brother.
Rage: Pretty good.
Cage looks bumfuzzled.
Cage: Just leaving me to hang here?
Rage snorts and motions for the “mic” to be pointed back at him.
Rage: I feel pretty good, Nic. This match is proof of the charity and brilliance of Wesley Crane!
Cage: How so?
Rage: Everyone knew that Mr. Crane wanted to be the one to humble Frank Windsor. Frank knew that, too. That’s why he ran away.
Cage: I heard it scheduled time off.
Rage: So he does the biggest thing he’ll ever do in his career, then disappears? Damn, that’s stupid. I’m glad I’m with Big Brain Crane and not Smooth Brain Windsor.
Cage: Yeah! Windsor’s brain’s so smooth, that if friction didn’t exist, it could roll for eternity.
Rage: That’s about the only thing he’ll do that people’ll remember!
Both men share a laugh.
Rage: Like I was saying, Mr. Crane wanted that honor for himself, but he was busy. He’s decided to give that honor to me. I’m impressed how much our boss has embraced my Communist principles.
Cage: Stand up guy!
Rage: He’s what billionaires should aspire to be. But, being kind to me wasn’t the only generous thing he’s done.
Cage: What else did he do?
Rage: Have you looked at the list of the other seven people in the match? I have, and I couldn’t name one other person in the match. I try not to be cruel to other humans, so this actually works for me.
Rage smugly nods at his good fortune.
Rage: And I don’t mean any disrespect. These guys are part of the proletariat that I champion. The current capitalist state of wrestling doesn’t work for any of these guys. They don’t stand out in any way. They’re just fodder for the rest of us. These guys aren’t good enough to be in a tag team like us or to even be in proper one on one matches. This is where Mr. Crane comes in.
Cage leans in.
Rage: He knew I was the default challenger to the Commonwealth Title, but knew those other guys wouldn’t make the big payoff. I mean, look at the list, they’re just not big names or important in any way. Knowing that, Mr. Crane used his mental judo to get Old Man Blood to put them in a match. It’s win-win! These poor guys get paid while I get a tune-up for Smooth Brain Frank.
Cage thinks for a second.
Cage: Isn’t Takaru in a tag team?
Rage: I thought you didn’t know who was in the match.
Cage: It’s weird, right?
Rage: Takaru and Oni are the Android of tag teams. Like Android phones are technically phones, those two are technically a tag team, but are they really?
Cage: Nah.
Rage: There you go.
Cage: Should I look up who else is in the match?
Rage: Why bother?
Cage: I never thought about it like that.
Rage: I’m fighting Smooth Brain for the title. It’s that simple. Everyone else is just happy to be in the ring with me at Dominion, and I understand that. I’ll even sign autographs for them after I win. They can sell them on Ebay and make a little more money. I’m always happy to share the wealth.
Cage: I think they’d like that.
Rage: Maybe I can talk the boss into posing in some pictures with that. That’d really make their nights epic!
Cage: Dude, that’d be so sweet! They can post it on the ‘Gram and tell people they met the WUK World Champion! I mean, that’s just a wholesome ray of sunshine in their bleak little lives!
Rage: The High Rollers Club fixes what capitalism breaks.
Cage: And how about how this helps their mental health?
Rage: Great question, bro! I’ve heard that some of these guys think they can beat me. That means they’re suffering from some mental health problem and are too scared to get help. Maybe by sampling the white, creamy milk of human kindness that will come out of me and Mr. Crane, they will be inspired. This could be the night that saves their lives. I take that seriously. We’re all in this together.
Cage: Agreed.That milk is likely creamy and probably sticky.
Rage: It can be sweet, sticky nectar. Whatever metaphor you want.
Cage: That’s fair. So, you’re winning this match. This is pretty much a given. Any other words for your opponents?
Rage: Yeah. Don’t go full Ronnie Long. Long was foolish enough to believe his own hype after basically coming out of the crowd to win a battle royal. Now, by some fluke, he’s in a big match. The moron thinks he can actually win. Doesn’t he realize how much it’s going to hurt after Mr. Crane stomps his ass into the mat? Why do that to yourself? Just because Long’s set himself up to suffer doesn’t mean those other guys have to. My advice to them is to have fun! Enjoy the spotlight, the paycheck, and the chance to meet the High Rollers Club! Don’t be Ronnie Long. Be yourself!
Cage: That’s beautiful.
Rage: I know.
Cage: So let’s move on to Frank Windsor.
Rage: Yes, the Phantom of WUK! I’d love to tell him what I think to his face, but, in typical Bastard fashion, he turned into a pussy. Sadly, Frank, I fuck pussies!
Cage: For a long time!
Rage: And always with expressed, enthusiastic consent!
Cage: For sure. So Frank thought he was avoiding you by running away from Dominion, and, now, you have a title shot against him! Smooth Brain does it again!
Rage: For real. He needs some neurons in the worst way! I got to tell you, Nic, I’m looking forward to this.
Cage: Why?
Rage: It has been one desperate attempt after another for Frank and the Bastards as they try to steal the spotlight from the High Rollers Club. You know, I’ve heard they’re making Ronnie Long an unofficial Bastard. Pathetic!
Cage: Shameless!
Rage: As the past fades into oblivion, it loses all its dignity. I’m sure the Bastards were a big deal in 19-something. I’m sure they cried tears of joy when someone figured out how to get VHS tapes onto YouTube. Okay, cool, whatever. You can rewatch your glory days back when you mattered in professional wrestling. Enjoy! Be my guest! What pisses me off is that the Scheduled Colonoscopy Club of the Bastards and Ronnie Long won’t let go. Fuck, throw in Donzig, Eddie Havok and Psycotic Goth, too. I’m no ageist, but you can’t have the same old guys selfishly taking all the wealth. That’s why I fight in this Revolution!
Cage: It’s sad.
Rage: They take and give nothing back! The High Rollers Club gives as much as it takes. We are nothing but kindness and good will. We’re there for the little guy. Listen, I weep for those old men. The nonbinary Father Time is undefeated. They’re embarrassing themselves, and they don’t even know it.
Cage: It’s tragic when the mind goes. Did you know it took the Bastards six hours to find their car after Legacy?
Rage: I should pity them, and I feel horrible that I hate them. They’re scared and trembling. They know what’s coming, and they either have to choose wrath or acceptance. I wish they had the courage to choose acceptance. However, if they want to die with their boots on, the High Rollers Club will make their dreams come true.
Cage: It really is a mercy killing at this point.
Rage: Vermont now lets non-residents take advantage of their death with dignity program. I have no problem shepherding them to Vermont and comforting them in their final moments. Isn’t that better than being beaten to a bloody mess in the ring?
Cage: That’s the big question, bro! I’m sure all of WUK is asking it.