Post by Jonnie Valentine on May 11, 2023 3:40:20 GMT -5
Open up on a wild scene as there are two rings in the center of the Key Arena. Fans hold up signs that say “Tux Sux!”, “The Annoying”, “Kilroy & Sheik, Brothers In Blood”, “Cane Hasbulla”, “Glorious Wolf Pack Member”, “Little Dragon’s Little Lair”, “Richie Rode His Bike Here”, “Dirk Is Cruising 4 A Bruising”, “Cancel Culture Was Invented 4 Moondog”, “Danimal”, and “My Boy Kilroy”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Seattle, I am Guillermo O’Bannon…
Phillip Blauer: Hi ho, I am Phil Blauer and, right off the bat you might be wondering. “Phil, didn’t Kermit the Frog say that?” And I say maybe you should go up to that scumbag and ask who stole it off of whom?
Guillermo O’Bannon: O….Kay? It is great to be up here in Seattle for the first time in nearly 11 years back in July of 2012.
Phillip Blauer: It’s been raining ever since I got here….
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have had some spring showers here but it’s nice and dry here in the Key Arena where tonight’s…
Phillip Blauer: …In panties dropping!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we go. Phil…
Phillip Blauer: The Blau Dog has historically done well here in Seattle. Something about the way their alabaster hands touch my California sun kissed cheek and say “The sun…does it ever ask about me?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore World has also historically done well here in Seattle, and tonight is no different. Tonight we have our main event, Cross Recoba putting his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on the line against Tuxedo Mask, who’s got a shocking new attitude. Did you see him walk out of Coachella?
Phillip Blauer: I thought that was Frank Ocean?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the TV taping.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get paid enough to watch those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Regardless, he better have that legendary lack of focus take a night off, because he’s going to need every bit of attention to detail to defeat Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba in his first title defense. It’s the biggest match of Tux’s career and it headlines tonight’s return to Seattle for Hardkore World. Then, it’s the reason we have those two rings, Wargames tonight between The Anointed and an assembled army of Kilroy Evans and his former sworn rival, The Sheik along with Kalmin Watts and Little Dragon.
Phillip Blauer: Oh is that why? I thought Donnie Valentine Jr. stole that from Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling as a prank.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s because of…(squints at the ring) Dammit, it is. Donnie??
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Sup boss?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that the PSOW ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Correctamundo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why didn’t you just build another ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Oh, and do what with it afterwards? You wanna tear that thing down and set it up at your apartment?
Guillermo O’Bannon: How did you get them to let you borrow their ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Easy. They don’t know about it. I know a guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is it safe?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Lemme put it this way. No.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sigh) Well at least take the PSOW banner off of it.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Sure thing, anything else or can I get back to work?
Phillip Blauer: I could do with a refill on my coffee…oh, you were being sarcastic. Got it.
Donnie leaves while Guillermo squeezes the bridge of his nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry, fans. Also fans, we have Simon Cruise putting his undefeated streak on the line against Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, is going to ride that coffee table to the ring again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really hope so. But first we have tonight’s first match up!
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Seattle fans boo as Moondog Dook walks out dressed as Sailor Moon. He blinks at the booing fans while eating a can of cat food
Phillip Blauer: Shouldn’t it be a can of dog food?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think the way that he is dressed is the bigger headline here.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the airlines lose your gear all the time. Moondog obviously strong armed some female talent to loan him hers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess. He did have a head injury in his match with Simon Cruise back in March. But after his barnburner in Coachella with Kilroy Evans, he is here to try and stomp out the young spark of “The Sulford Squid” Callum Cornwall…dressed as a Japanese school girl.
Phillip Blauer: As well he should, squid and moondogs are natural enemies.
Yolanda Ando: Moondog Dook is a gross Albino hillbilly wearing a navy blue pleated skirt, with a white shirt, and a red bow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Moondog Dook now whipping the turnbuckle with his chain, probably pretending it’s his opponent tonight, “The Sulford Squid” Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: I’ve done quite well not imagining anything that Dook is trying to pretend.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The Key Arena for tonight’s Hardkore World action! Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
The audience boos as Moondog Dook looks around confused.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas! Look at that fish bellied little twerp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Callum Cornwall made his debut in Coachella, finishing off Uncle Claymore Clyde. Growing up he watched 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus, so as soon as he was old enough, Cornwall was trained by former Hardkore World Television Champion “Rage” David Sadler.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so any minute that UK flag pole is going to be smashed into Moondog’s skull. I’m sure that was covered day one at an RDS dojo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” plans to dazzle the rough and tough Moondog with his technical skills tonight. He hopes this win will vault him up the rankings so that he can get revenge on Disney’s Marty Donovan for what he did to Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: I see, so he’s Indigo Montoya
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall holds up the flag in the center of the ring and begins to stretch for his match
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Shadow Dweller…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The crowd gives him a nice ovation
The Salford Squid vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as this one gets underway. The two wrestlers meet in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The huge hillbilly welcomes the Salford Squid to Hardkore World with an unforgiving right hook to the side of the head before forcing Cornwall into the corner.
A quick barrage of body blows sees Moondog get the advantage. Rearing back, Dook looks for a huge haymaker but the debuting Squid dodges and traps the Moondog in drag in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: The student of Syberus throws a quick flurry of forearms to the head of his opponent and quickly spins in with a discus elbow smash that stuns the veteran.
The Seattle fans cheer. Callum Cornwall hits Dook in the stomach with a rising knee that bows the Moondog over
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall butterflies Moondog’s arms and then snap double underhook suplexes him! Cornwall showing immense strength to take Dook down.
Phillip Blauer: Cornwall is showing immense strength by not calling a cop on Moondog Dook.
The Key Arena starts booing. Tuxedo Mask starts walking down to the ring. He points at the ring, wincing in disgust
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask has seen enough!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux doesn’t seem to appreciate Moondog Dook wearing the same ring attire as his best friend, two time Hardkore World Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae.
Moondog Dook looks at the approaching Tuxedo Mask and his eyes grow big. A quick glance over the shoulder tips Squid off and he leaps to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall cracks a distracted Moondog Dook in the side of the head with a springboard enzuigiri!!
The audience lets out an “OH!” Moondog Dook drops to his knees, and then falls to his face, exposing his blue shorts sticking out of his skirt. Cornwall rolls him over and makes the cover
…ONE!
…Moondog Dook kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid doesn’t waste any time protesting and rushes to the ropes, then whacks Dook with a running leg lariat!
The Moondog rolls to his feet but Squid cuts him off with a dropkick that draws applause from the Seattle fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, never stopping his momentum, Squid takes to the ropes once more. Dook sits up and catches a huge dropkick to the face!
Moondog Dook starts crawling towards Tuxedo Mask at ringside. Tux cringes and backs away from the apron as Dook reaches out his hand towards him
Tuxedo Mask: "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? You're not Sailor Moon! This isn't a safe space! Take that off... NO not here, leave it on, just... ugh!"
Tuxedo Mask points to “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Tuxedo Mask: "And you, get better friends! Why are you here? Goddammit. Now I'm in a bad mood and I'm gonna take it out on you!"
Phillip Blauer: I’m guessing that whatever costume shop he got that little sailor outfit from, Dook has lost his deposit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: One would hope. Callum Cornwall steps on the backs of Dook’s legs and peels back his head with an inverted facelock to the grounded Dook. Squid lifts up the heavier man and drops back into the Tuxmission!!
The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask looks at the ring incredulously. He looks at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. and said “The balls!” Richie Richardson asks Dook if he wants to quit but the multiple felon continues to fight.
Phillip Blauer: What’s this guy’s deal?! Doing other people’s submissions his first month?! He can expect a scathing report on the Wrestling Observer podcast tonight.
The Key Arena chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as he tries to quiet them down. Inside the ring, Callum Cornwall pulls back on Dook’s head while pushing on the backs of his knees with his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using his size advantage, Moondog Dook rolls to his feet but Callum Cornwall grabs him in a sleeper. Before he can get it locked in, Dook backs him into the turnbuckles.
The Salford Squid slumps into the corner allowing Dook to grab his head and start biting it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dook gnaws on Cornwalll’s eyebrow while the Englishman screams.
The audience boos as Richie Richardson starts the count. Then the Key Arena starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask is apoplectic at ringside. Suddenly Moondog Dook notices Tux and stops biting The Salford Squid. He cocks his head to the side and stares at Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook stops with the mid-match snack and backs into the middle of the ring. He charges in looking to pancake the debuting wrestler but the Squid moves! He full nelsons the stumbling Dook and release dragon suplexes him!
Not going for the pin, Squid reaches down and slides his kneepad to his shin as the crowd responds, expecting something big
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook gets to his knees, but “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall connects with a driven running knee directly into the back of Dook’s neck!
The Key Arena lets out a loud “OH!” Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. catches the Salford native as he gets to his knees with a huge smile across his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall locks a front facelock onto the bigger man and underhooks an arm to force him to his feet single underhook DDT!! The Confidence of Syberus!!
The crowd cheers. Holding onto the underhooked arm, The Salford Squid uses it to roll over Dook and hooks the leg
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Seattle fans applaud as "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis plays as Callum Cornwall rolls off of Moondog Dook with his hand raised
Greg Jin: “At 7 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid using Syberus’ finisher, Pure Confidence. Maybe it’s an homage, but never the less, Callum Cornwall continues his win streak here in Seattle, tonight.
Callum Cornwall walks along ringside, slapping fans’ hands and hugging some of the ladies in the front row. Tuxedo Mask rolls into the ring, and then walks around the defeated Moondog Dook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask starts stomping Moondog Dook!
Phillip Blauer: This business isn’t kind to people with head injuries.
The Salford Squid gets to the middle of the aisle, pumping hs fist in victory. Inside the ring, Tuxedo Mask pulls Moondog Dook up into a crotch tie position. He pumphandles Moondog Dook up into a spinning juvi driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosegarden piledriver on Moondog Dook for impersonating Ri Eun-Ae!!
Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle as the crowd jeers. Moondog Dook is sprawled out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits Moondog Dook with a corkscrew moonsault!!
Moondog Dook sits up, clutching his stomach. He rolls out of the ring to the other PSOW ring while the Seattle fans chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Suddenly the fans start cheering
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall cracks Tuxedo Mask with a european uppercut. He spins around into a discus elbow smash that floors Tux!
The audience cheers. Callum Cornwall fireman’s carries Tux up onto his shoulders and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. The Salford Squid climbs to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux punches Cornwall in the nose!
Tuxedo Mask butterflies The Salford Squid’s arms and then double underhook sunset flip tiger bombs him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz on The Salford Squid!!
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask is done helping others look good. It’s time to make others look bad.
Tuxedo Mask pulls Moondog Dook back into the Hardkore ring. He rolls Dook over into the corner. He hops onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a split legged moonsault on Moondog Dook!!
Moondog Dook clutches his chest and rolls back into the PSOW ring. Suddenly the Seattle fans start cheering as Simon Cruise runs down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is done watching Tuxedo Mask bully these two!
Phillip Blauer: Wasn’t he responsible for Moondog Dook’s head injury in question?
Simon Cruise gets into the ring and handsprings into a mule kick to Tuxedo Mask’s face, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Randomizer!!
The Seattle fans roar as Tuxedo Mask flops to the floor! Cruise motions for Tuxedo Mask to get back in the ring, but Tux motions that Simon isn’t worth it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask leaving as The Salford Squid, Moondog Dook, and Simon Cruise stand tall in the ring!
Tuxedo Mask is fit to be tied as he points at the ring
Tuxedo Mask: “Nothing about this situation makes sense!!”
Moondog Dook tucks his head under Cruise’s arm, while Simon pets him like a dog. Callum Cornwall kicks the bottom rope in frustration
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we have more live action from Seattle, Washington! We’ve got word that Kevin Valentine Jr is backstage with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, Cross Recoba, ahead of his first title defense in tonight’s main-event in a Ladder match against Tuxedo Mask.
Backstage in the corridors of the Key Arena we see Kevin Valentine Jr joined by Cross Recoba. Still in the suit he presumably arrived in, Recoba appears relaxed with the HKW World Heavyweight and HCW Diamond titles over a shoulder apiece.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Cross, tonight sees you put that title on the line since you beat Marty Donovan for it at Palm Springs Punishment. How does it feel to hold the top title in the company?
Cross Recoba: I feel vindicated. Like I said before tonight, I told everyone that my goal was to be the one to unseat Marty Donovan and here I stand with that title over my shoulder.
Kevin Valentine Jr.:Tonight though, you’re putting the belt on the line in a Ladder match. How confident are you that you’ll be the one to win the match and bring the belt back home?
Cross Recoba: Ladder matches are my speciality, it’s also likely the sanest match I’ll get from HardKore World for a defense! This company was built on Deathmatches and brutality. I saw Eron Hunter have to face off against The Sheik inside a cage, later on we’ve got WarGames going on and my opponent came out on top in a MIR match. So, I’ll take the ladder match any day of the week in comparison!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You mentioned your opponent, Tuxedo Mask. We’ve seen him fight in all kinds of brutal matches over the years in HardKore World. Won’t he have the edge tonight?
Cross Recoba: You know why I love ladder matches? It’s because they work on calculated risk and I’ve proven I’m the smartest wrestler in HKW! A cage match? You’re surrounded by a weapon and if your concentration slips? You’re going to be thrown, pushed and slammed right into an unforgiven steel structure. As for the rest? They’re just a race to the bottom. Who wants to shorten their career the most to try and get the win. Tuxedo Mask has spent his career betting more and more of his longevity on trying to get the win and it hasn’t paid off so far; what makes tonight any different? I’m younger than him, in better condition than him, and I can outthink and out-wrestle him!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You sound confident of the win. Any last words for the fans or your opponent before tonight’s main-event?
Cross Recoba: Tuxedo, do you think I’m happy that I have to watch MY title be winched twenty feet in the air? Do you think I’m going to give it up to someone who has never had a Tweet sent out announcing their own title win? I got that belt by being better prepared and better skilled than anyone I faced and you’re not going to be any different! You think that you’re the answer to how to beat Cross Recoba? You’re wrong! You’re just the message I send to anyone else who thinks they can take away MY championship!
Cross walks out of shot.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Recoba’s definitely amped up for tonight. Back to you at ringside!
Open on Hardkore Referee Richie Richardson backstage at The Acrisure Arena in Palm Springs during Palm Springs Punishment 2023. He flips his hair and then starts talking
Richie Richardson: Hi, my name is Richie…um, Anderson…
Cameraman: Richardson.
Richie Richardson: …that one! And besides being the rules shirt guy…
Cameraman: Referee.
Richie Richardson: (gives him a finger gun) …sure, I also handle catering.
Shot pans out to table with a singular party size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that’s open. Richie fusses with it, making sure it looks appealing. He tries to make it look difficult, by squinting and sighing. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. walks by and points at the camera
Jackie Valentine Jr.: Hey, who’s this?
Richie Richardson: It’s the reality show guy.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: How come I’m not shooting it?
Richie Richardson: I dunno. They probably want it in focus.
Jackie nods and then reaches into the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Richie Richardson: Hey, those are for Talent.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: (chews) I’m Talent.
Richie Richardson: No you're not.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: (reaches in for another Dorito) Yeah I am. I’m on this show ain’t I?
Jackie points at the camera
Richie Richardson: Oh yeah.
Richie reaches in and starts eating out of the bag with Jackie as they crunch in stupid silence. Alexander Von Blankenship walks by absolutely blood drenched from his match with The Sheik. Hasbulla stands next to him as Jackie and Richie look at him with shock. The drips blood of blood on the floor break the silence
Alexander Von Blankenship: What happened to the Arby’s?
Richie shakes his head in terrified confusion. Jackie has a fear of little people and is recoiling in slow motion from Hasbulla
Alexander Von Blankenship: The Arby’s? It’s in my rider that we have Arby’s. Comprende? Hello?
AVB shoves his hand in the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, getting his blood all over the bag and the chips inside. Hasbulla looks up at Jackie, and Jackie smiles and nods like a psycho. Von Blankenship eats a few Doritos, then puts the rest back inside
Alexander Von Blankenship: Where’s your uncle?
Richie points in a direction that has no connection to where Jonnie Valentine is, and AVB rolls his eyes and walks off. Hasbulla slaps Jackie in the nuts as he walks by, and Jackie drops to his knees. After a few seconds, Phil Blauer walks in to the shot
Phillip Blauer: Are these for Talent?
Richie panics and nods as Phil smiles. Phil reaches in to the bag and munches the gross Doritos
Phillip Blauer: What’s wrong with Jackie? Do crabs cause paralysis these days?
Phil chuckles and walks off with the bag of Doritos. Kilroy Evans walks in to the shot
Kilroy Evans: Did I miss the Doritos again?? Oh man!
Kilroy walks out of the shot dejectedly
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hot off the heels of Simon Cruise coming down to defend Moondog Dook, coming up is our next match between the grizzled veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen taking on the Hardkore newcomer.
Phillip Blauer: Normally I don’t care for Dirk van Thingamajig. But I honestly hope he cripples that piece of beach trash.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Seattle crowd lets out a loud pop as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk and his wife Mickie proved their love was strong enough to endure the advances of Steve Awesome at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, and then in Coachella he picked up a non-title win over Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling Heavyweight Champion The Hurricane. He was not happy about working a TV taping, concerned that he could get injured before tonight’s big match against Simon Cruise.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, but when I skip them to save my voice “I’m not a team player.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not a team player. Dirk says he respects Simon Cruise and has watched his matches from the back, but he warns him not to try anything with Mickie like Steve Awesome did.
Phillip Blauer: Not everyone is trying to steal your chick, chum. Your…(trails off) beautiful, supple…she’s just hypnotic…I know if I get too close to her fire I’ll get burned but…I just want to reach out to see if she’s even real…
Yolanda Ando: Ew. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The audience cheers while Mickie Fury applauds her husband
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s that?
Phillip Blauer: (fastening the chin straps) A helmet. My momma didn’t raise no fool. When I hear that infernal ukulele, I know it's helmet time.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Earlier tonight, Simon Cruise decided he couldn’t take Tuxedo Mask picking on The Salford Squid and Moondog Dook, and came down to the ring to defend them. He’s on quite the win streak here in Hardkore World with a big win over Little Dragon on pay per view at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Tonight he takes on the veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen in what promises to be a classic.
Cruise’s surfboard barely misses Phil again as it goes up and Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Phillip Blauer: (points to his brain) Ha ha ha…see?
But the shortboard lands on their announce table, spilling Phil’s fondue kit onto his lap
Phillip Blauer: (screaming) AHHH!! The cheese!! It's burning my plums!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (cleaning up the desk of hot molten cheese) Dammit, Phil, you cannot bring that thing here anymore…
Phillip Blauer: (gasping) My plums…my beautiful plums…
Yolanda Ando: Gross guys, there is cheese everywhere…
Guillermo O’Bannon: (cleaning up the desk of hot molten cheese) I’m handling it, Yolanda!
Yolanda Ando: I’m gonna see if my agent can get me my job back at Aeropostale. Anyways, Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The crowd cheers wildly as Simon Cruise flashes a hang loose sign at them
Simon Cruise vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and Cruise flashes a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is not having any of Cruise’s laid back attitude, and fires off a series of rights that rocks him backwards.
Kelly O’Connell tries to call van Thijmen off, but Thijmen drives him into the ropes before he wraps him in a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen locks his hands together and clamps down on Cruise’s head with that headlock. He rakes Cruise’s eyes across the top rope, dragging his face across it.
The Seattle fans boo, and Kelly O’Connell admonishes van Thijmen. Mickie Fury complains that O’Connell is being too strict from ringside, as Dirk irish whips Cruise into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmwn drops back to deliver a European uppercut! Then another rocks Cruise, putting him down to one knee.
Thijmen smirks, posing mockingly to loud boos from the Key Arena before he drags him from the corner
Phillip Blauer: The Glorious Wolf teaching Cruise an important lesson on the dangers of smiling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk irish whips him but Simon Cruise reverses it and snaps van Thijmen towards the other corner!
The fans explode as Cruise nails a dropkick on the rebound to send Thijmen to the mat Cruise shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise delivers a few stomps before he hauls him to his feet. He delivers a few punches, and then drops back to deliver a spinning heel kick, but Thijmen steps aside, and sweeps his leg!
The Seattle audience boos, and Thijman hauls Simon Cruise back to his feet to deliver a few stiff forearms to his back. Cruise arches his back in pain while Mickie Fury yells “Harder!”
Phillip Blauer: Now I remember her…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen pulls him up into a front facelock and then twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Thijman curses at Kelly O’Connell, and pulls Cruise upwards to lock on a reverse chinlock. The crowd boos as Mickie Fury pounds the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen locks his hands together, clamping down on the jawline of Simon Cruise, trying to cut off his air. The veteran now flattening himself out to put more pressure on the back of Cruise’s neck.
Kelly O’Connell slips her hand between van Thijmen’s bicep and Cruise’s throat to make sure it’s not a chokehold. Mickie Fury continues to pound on the apron, but unwillingly gives the crowd a rhythm to clap to, to root Simon Cruise on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen wrenches the hold tighter but Simon Cruise starting to push upwards, and while these fans cheer him on! Cruise is now on his feet with van Thijmen still hanging on to that reverse chinlock! Finally, Cruise shoves himself backwards to slam Thijman into the corner!
The hold is broken, and Cruise fires off a kick but van Thijman catches it, laughing as he shakes his head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise steps up into an enzuigiri!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” and Cruise wastes no time to leap onto the ropes! He stands on the turnbuckle, posing
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that cute? When is he gonna get a haircut??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise comes down with a double stomp to van Thijmen’s back known as the Hang 10!!
The Key Arena explodes as Simon Cruise pretends to ride on van Thijmen’s back like a surfboard. He laughs and then rolls Dirk over into a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen gets a foot under the rope
Mickie Fury alerts Kelly O’Connell to Dirk’s foot being under the rope and she stops the count. The Pacific Northwest fans boo, and Cruise shakes his head as he gets to his feet
Phillip Blauer: Maybe if he wasn’t pretending to surf people, that would have been three. Maybe if he had gotten a real job, none of us would have to sit through this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is your problem…
Phillip Blauer: The man could have killed me!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise picks up Thijman and delivers a few elbows, battering him back before Thijman flares back to life to fire off a few quick elbows of his own!
The fans cheer at the brawl in the ring, and Dirk van Thijmen begins getting the better of Cruise and then irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise runs up the turnbuckles, turns around, and missile dropkicks Dirk van Thijmen in the groin!! Cruise Missile!
The crowd erupts, and Thijman is down, clutching at his balls while Mickie Fury complains to Kelly O’Connell about the low blow. Simon Cruise shrugs at O’Connell and climbs to the top turnbuckle again
Phillip Blauer: Kelly, disqualify this man! I know you can hear me!
Simon Cruise pretends he’s surfing on the top turnbuckle and pumps up the audience, getting them even louder, then somersaults into a senton bomb across Dirk van Thijmen’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wave Breaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE
The fans leap to their feet as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays. Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm, as he pats his heart towards the crowd
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes, 45 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise sending a message to Tuxedo Mask or anyone else that wants to pick on someone, that they won’t be doing that to any locker rooms he’s a part of.
Phillip Blauer: Why would anyone work here if they can’t pick on green as gooseshit newbies? It’s 90 percent of why anyone wrestles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Simon Cruise doesn’t like bullies.
Phillip Blauer: He’s gonna hate this job. (raises his eyebrow) And one day, I imagine, he’s going to dropkick the wrong guy in the dick.
Simon Cruise walks by ringside, slapping the hands of the people celebrating with him in the front row. Inside the ring, Mickie Fury helps her husband to his feet as he holds his back, and winces from the shot to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship match between Cross Recoba and Tuxedo Mask, and then the WarGames! Don’t go away!
Hardkore World takes you behind the scenes with our soon to be Emmy nominated show “The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore”
A single shot of Hardkore Jonnie Valentine sitting at a teacher’s desk in the front of a classroom at The Office in Palm Springs, California
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: You know, I’ve been wrestling since 1987, and I’ve always tried to allow Hardkore World to be not only a place where the greats can settle all umbrages, but also where the next generation of Hardkore wrestlers can learn from my treasure trove of real world experience in the rough and tumble world of professional wrestling.
Cut to Jonnie teaching a class to Scorpion, The Martian, Moondog Dook, The Hurricane, and Dana “The Drone” Daniels
Jonnie Valentine: All of you have done quite the job, creating your gimmicks. But The Goon was a gimmick. Phantasio was a gimmick. “Infamous” Onyx Breakker was a gimmick. What did these men lack that you won’t?
Dana “The Drone” Daniels: Bees.
The Martian: A basement apartment.
Scorpion: Bad knees.
The Hurricane: Wait a hurrisecond ... why am I here? Unlike any of these dudes, I actually succeeded in this business.
Jonnie Valentine: Dook? You had your hand up?
Moondog Dook is actually just smelling his armpit
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, I assumed you were going to say an ankle monitor. But the correct answer is a catch phrase! Catch phrases were once all you needed to fill a stadium, and with The Acclaimed and Adam Cole, it looks as though the people are ready for that day to return. So I want you to come up here and reach into this bag of catch phrases and let the universe decide the next Godfather. Marshawn?
The Martian: (points at himself) You…you mean me?
Jonnie Valentine: I honestly don’t care.
The Martian comes over and reaches his hand in, and pulls out a small piece of paper. He reads it and looks at Jonnie, unsure. Jonnie assures him to go ahead
The Martian: (sighs) “Shut your bitch ass up.”
Jonnie Valentine: No, no. Come on, like you’re interrupting Cross Recoba while he runs down the Hardkore fans.
The Martian: (only slightly louder) “Shut your bitch ass up.”
Jonnie Valentine: Nevermind, you’re hopeless. Sit down. Danielle.
Dana Daniels: Me, sir?
Jonnie’s silence tells Dana he should just get up there and pick a catch phrase. He gets up and reaches into the bag. He beams as he reads his
Dana Daniels: “What is up with that?”
Hurricane rolls his eyes and slouches in his chair and pulls his cape in front of his face.
Jonnie Valentine: Good. A little faster.
Dana Daniels: (encouraged) “What is up with that?”
Jonnie Valentine: Good enough. Sit down. Scorpio.
Scorpion gets up and reaches into the bag. He looks at it quizically, trying to sound it out in his head
Jonnie Valentine: Come on, I don’t have all day. I gotta do Ring Entrance 101 at in twenty minutes
Scorpion: (clears his throat) “Welcome to Pound Town, population: You.”
Jonnie Valentine: Actually, I’m going to use that one. Sit down.
Scorpion nods and sits back down at his desk. Jonnie turns to his side and Moondog Dook is sniffing Valentine
Jonnie Valentine: (screams) AHHH! What have I told you about smelling Management, Dook? With everything I’m coming down off of, I don’t need that kind of shock to the heart. Now here.
Jonnie holds the bag out in front of Dook
Jonnie Valentine: Pick a catch phrase.
Dook eyes get big and he violently starts eating the paper bag and the catchphrases in it.
Jonnie Valentine: Dook!! No! Bad Moondog!
Cut back to Jonnie’s interview in the empty classroom
Jonnie Valentine: It’s…it’s… it’s going as well as can be expected.
(The shot opens in the break room of the Hardkore World headquarters. The video and lighting quality indicates that this is a low budget, local commercial. Judy Valentine Junior sits at a table with a laptop and coffee in front of her. A print out of the Starbucks logo has been taped to the side of her foam cup.)
Judy: Thank heavens for this writers’ strike. Now I can turn all my old NCIS spec scripts into scab money!
(Phil Blauer, dressed in a checkerboard suit and carrying an electric drill, dances into frame.)
Phil: Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!
(Phil drills a band audition flyer right into the break room wall.)
Judy: Do you mind? I can’t focus on replacing outdated George Bush jokes with all that noise!
Phil: This rudie ain’t trying to be rude, mon. Our ska band lost another trombonist to Applebee’s. I need to find a replacement, launch pad turbo!
(Phil continues to drill flyers into the wall and Judy covers her ears.)
Judy: There has to be an easier way!
(Jackie Valentine Junior, dressed as a barista and looking absolutely terrified to be on the other side of the camera, walks into frame. He hangs up a “NO MASTURBATING WHILE ON THE CLOCK” sign with some thumbtacks. The others are amazed.)
Judy: Wow! What do you call those small, noiseless wonders?
(Jackie holds up the box. Printed on the back of each thumbtack is the scowling face of Marty Donovan.)
Jackie: Marty’s Little Pricks!
(The shot changes to a QVC style set where merchandise mastermind Jimmy Valentine Junior stands.)
Jimmy: Are you tired of trying to hang up signs with tape, chewed gum, or switchblades? Better call that Disney prick! Jimmy Valentine Junior here. Our newest product combines people’s hatred of Marty Donovan with the never ending war against gravity. Each thumbtack depicts a famous prickly moment from The Rising Sun’s career. We have Marty after he squandered his title shot against Syberus, when Kilroy beat him in the tuxedo match and when Natalie Burrows declined his invite to the Blackstreet concert. Show off your love of wrestling when hanging up those eviction notices. Call in the next five minutes to receive a special edition thumbtack depicting when Marty found out about this product!
(The shot changes back to the break room. The commercial shoot is wrapping up when Ollie Oldham pushes in a furious, wheelchair bound Marty Donovan.)
Marty: Turns out elephants aren’t the only ones that never forget, Judy! The Tutti Frutti employees all remember your little scheme and won’t validate our parking. Give me my 16 bucks now!
(Marty looks at the thumbtacks on the table and somehow grows even angrier.)
Marty: What the hell! You’re monetizing one of the most traumatic experiences of my life!
Judy: You get one percent of all sales though.
Marty: A measly one percent! Why should Johnnie sit back and get rich off the hard work of my little prick? This isn’t fair!
(Marty slams his fist down on the table, forgetting there are thumbtacks on it. He screams in pain. The image freezes and becomes an illustration on the back of a thumbtack. The number to call appears on the screen and then the shot fades out.)
Camera opens up on the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship hanging over the ring. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. has Jackie Valentine Jr. do a slow pull out to reveal multiple ladders set up underneath it. There are also standing ladders at various points at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship match. Cross Recoba makes his first title defense against Tuxedo Mask. Three months ago, these two wrestled to a double countout in San Francisco. Cross has railed against Hardkore World and what it stands for and now he gets one of the longest tenured wrestlers we’ve ever had. Tuxedo Mask gets his first Heavyweight title shot, after decades of dominating the Light Heavyweight division, now with a new attitude.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and half of the fans boo with some cheers mixed in. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer. He begins walking to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: No handsprings or flips down to the ring?
Phillip Blauer: Spoken like a guy who’s never done a backflip before. Those burn energy. This is Tuxedo Mask’s first Hardkore World title shot. He’s got to conserve every ounce of energy, then spring it on Cross like a wrestling cobra.
Guillermo O’Bannon: When have you ever done a backflip?
Phillip Blauer: I’ll do one right now. How long is this song?
Tuxedo Mask goes to shake hands with a young fan, then pulls his hand back to slick his hair instead
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. It’s kids like that that have rooted on Tuxedo Mask for decades and now he’s going to treat them like that? Tux says he has seen them come and go and is hardly impressed…Phil, what are you doing?
Phil has his hand on Guillermo’s shoulder while he tries to stand on his chair
Phillip Blauer: I’m showing you the best backflip this side of 1936 Bronze medalist high diver Hermann Stork. (shakes table) Wow, this table is sure rickety. Gonna need to get Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. to take a look at that. I’ll show you from that ladder right there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Knock yourself out. Literally.
Tuxedo Mask grabs a “Tux Sux” sign and rips it up and the jeers from the Seattle crowd get louder. Phil begins gingerly climbing a couple of the rungs on the ladder at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the first time for Tuxedo Mask in Seattle in 28 years. He wrestled in an elimination match back in 2005 for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship with "God’s Gift, Jeremiah Vastrix, Syberus, Carpenter, Devon Stevens, Reverend Gozo Shioda, "Minister" Marty Bower, R.C., and "The White Chapel Horror" Lucifer Jones…
A fan throws a perfect full soda cup at Phil while he’s standing a few rungs up on the ladder and it hits him right in the face. Soda splashes everywhere as Phil falls awkwardly to the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. rushes to Phil’s side as he’s sprawled out on the floor. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. goes over to check on him. Tuxedo Mask yells at Tommy Milligan to get out of the way, and then he slides under the bottom rope into the ring. Guillermo listens to his headset and calls Yolanda Ando over, and she sits down next to him. Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. sets her up with a headset
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize, fans. Phil has been struck by some kind of beverage. Carbonated in nature, and he is being tended to by our medical staff and Larry. We’ll try our best to soldier on, with our fashion reporter Yolanda Ando taking Phil’s place. Yolanda, as you can see Ri Eun-Ae did not accompany Tuxedo Mask to the ring, she has had some issue with his behavior as of late.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask, Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see that, Yolanda. Thank you. Tuxedo Mask says that he has had more ladder matches than Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba has had matches, what kind of advantage do you think that gives him?
Yolanda Ando: …Um, Tommy Milligan wears a black and white striped shirt and black pants. He has half a pack of Marlboro lights in his front shirt pocket and a flask in his back pocket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (to David Valentine Jr.) How’s Phil doing, guys?
Hardkore Doctor David Valentine Jr. is cradling Phil’s head. He gives Guillermo a thumbs up, but it causes him to drop Phil’s head back onto the concrete. David winces. Inside the ring, Tuxedo Mask stands on the second turnbuckle and soaks in both boos and cheers from the Pacific Northwest crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask defeated three time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans in a Mir Match at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 earning him this title match. He says he’s done making good TV with people and ready to start focusing on himself, by taking the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a match that has won him many belts.
The titles fade and Bugs Bunny appears inside of a wrestling ring on the screen.
Bugs Bunny: Eh, what’s up? You might be wondering what I’m doing here but I’ve always had-a fine affinity to wrestling. I took on the “De-Natured Boy” Ravishing Ronald and I know good champions and boy, Marty wasn’t one of them. Cross settled a score with Mickey for me. I haven’t forgotten about him ducking me in 1988! Want to know how the Tooniverse got the news? Let me replay it again for you.
Bugs walks over to the ring announcer and takes the microphone from him.
Bugs Bunny: Cross Recoba has beaten Marty Donovan! He's the best in HardKore World! He's the best in HardKore World! Cross Recoba has beaten Marty Donovan! It is unbelievable! Cross Recoba has beaten Disney! Disney - the home of giants.
Gaston.
Montgomery Burns.
Phil Dunphy.
Mr Cooper.
Cory Matthews.
Hughie, Dewey, and Louie.
Scrooge McDuck.
He's beaten them all!
Mickey Mouse, can you hear me?
Mickey Mouse, I have a message for your global domination campaign.
We have a message for you.
Cross has knocked Marty off his perch!
Mickey Mouse, as they say in your language in the boxing bars around Madison Square Garden in New York: "Your boys took a hell of a beating"!
Your boys took a hell of a beating!
Mickey Mouse. Cross has beaten Marty Donovan at Palm Springs Punishment!
He's the best in the world!
It's Cross Recoba one, Marty Donovan zip! What a fabulous night for wrestling!
The microphone ascends into the ceiling as the screen fades to black.
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Key Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Seattle fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is wrapped around his waist The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears the Hardkore fans have picked out of these two that they would prefer to cheer Tuxedo Mask. Do you think that’s because of his loyalty up until very recently to the West Coast?
Yolanda Ando: Just going off of vibe? I would say Tux is the guy that cheated on you a few months ago, but Cross is the guy that stole your rent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That actually makes a lot of sense. You could have a future in this!
Yolanda Ando: I know, right?
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience. Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Seattle crowd. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft. He takes a right at the ladder at ringside as Hardkore medic David Valentine and Larry Valentine Jr. load Phil Blauer on a stretcher.
Yolanda Ando: What’s with the deal with the cane? Is there going to be a parade behind him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba feels Hardkore World should be grateful that he is their new champion. That he is the first new person to hold the Hardkore World Championship that wasn’t on the roster 15 years ago. But he says they are afraid of anything different than they’ve gotten from Hardkore World, but he is here to bring a whole new set of eyes on the West Coast wrestling scene.
Yolanda Ando: Good, I tell my friends when I’m on, and most of them can’t even get this channel.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross claims he had Tux beat in San Francisco back in February, and that had it not been for Anthony Jordan’s distracting him, it would have been another win on his record. Tonight, he can prove it by beating him in Tuxedo Mask’s specialty match.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. David Valentine and Larry Valentine push Phil Blauer on the stretcher back to the locker room with the fans throwing garbage at him as he is wheeled by them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our best to Phil Blauer, we wish him a lengthy recovery.
Yolanda Ando: Really, take as long as you need.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Cross says he is a master of ladder matches himself, and scoffs at Tux having any advantage over him. We shall see.
The lights go out at the Key Arena and the fans cheer as a single spotlight hits Hardkore Ring Announcer Greg Jin
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the following is a ladder match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of Dave Meltzer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Some fans boo, but the rest cheer for Tuxedo Mask as he waves them on to cheer louder
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Man Worth A Thousand Bullets, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling, The HCW Diamond Champion, and The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The audience jeers and Cross holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt over his head
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Tuxedo Mask pretends to hold the Hardkore World Heavyweight title over his head like Cross did, and then rolls his eyes
Yolanda Ando: Heh, I guess it is kind of funny. A man with a belt?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba goes to lock up, but Tuxedo Mask drops to his back and rolls out of the ring.
Tommy Milligan demands Tuxedo Mask return to the ring, and starts counting, while Tux yawns and walks around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Tuxedo Mask slowing this match down. Cross tries to play it cool, but I imagine he’s been visualizing this title defense all month, and Tux would do well to try and rattle him early.
Tuxedo Mask strolls around ringside, taking his time. Some fans start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” so he rolls back into the ring and yells at Tommy Milligan to tell them to stop
Yolanda Ando: I’m not really sure who to go for in this match, they both seem to be pretty arrogant sociopaths.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m gonna see if we could maybe get you on the desk more often.
Cross yells at Tux to be a man and fight, so Tuxedo Mask mocks him and pretends to put up his dukes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs at Tuxedo Mask and takes a swing, but Tuxedo Mask ducks and dives through the ropes to the floor below.
Yolanda Ando: Is he just gonna keep doing that?
The Seattle fans boo as Tuxedo Mask chuckles and takes another stroll at ringside. He gets close to an enraged fan, and lets him cuss him out, with his hand cupped to his ear
Yolanda Ando: He really squandered all that goodwill, just to become this new obnoxious person.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask steps back on the apron, but makes Cross Recoba give him some space.
Tuxedo Mask: “Back em off, Tommy!”
The audience jeers as Cross Recoba begrudgingly walks backward as Tommy Milligian lightly backs him off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba fakes Milligan out and grabs the top rope, catapulting Tuxedo Mask into the ring!
Tuxedo Mask holds his back in pain, then rolls out of the ring. Cross Recoba throws his hands up in frustration and demands Tommy Milligan do something about it, but Tommy shrugs
Yolanda Ando: Oh no, he’s coming over here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (at an approaching Tux) What are you doing??
Tuxedo Mask: (ignores Guillermo) “Hey. You gotta sec?”
Yolanda Ando: You’re in the middle of the match. Stop.
Tuxedo Mask: “What, this? (points to the ring) I got this guy right where I want him. I wanted to see if you wanted to go see a show after this?”
Yolanda Ando: I told you, that was a mistake back then, and I am not going to repeat it.
Tuxedo Mask: “It would be a mistake to deny the pure chemistry we-...”
Cross Recoba dives through the ropes, through the standing ladder at ringside and grabs Tuxedo Mask with a diving headscissors on the floor that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tired of playing this game and caught the cavalier Tuxedo Mask with that headscissors!!
Yolanda Ando: (to Tux) But…text me later?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yolanda!
Yolanda Ando: Look, dating is hard.
Tuxedo Mask gives Yolanda a thumbs up as he winces on the floor. Cross Recoba pulls him up by the hair and whacks him with a knife edge chop you can hear through The Key Arena and the audience lets out an “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cracks him with another knife edge chop that backs Tux into the railing! He hooks him up, pops his hips and snap suplexes Tuxedo Mask on the hard concrete!
Tuxedo Mask sits up in pain as the audience boos. Recoba pulls him up and smacks him with another stiff chop that gets another “OH!”
Yolanda Ando: Now Tux knows what it’s like when someone leaves a handprint on you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ducks the next one and atomic drops Cross Recoba on the railing!
The Seattle fans cheer as Cross’ eyes cross in that uncomfortable perch. Tux backs Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. out of his way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux running kangaroo kicks Cross Recoba into the front row of the audience!!
The fans chant “Fuck You Cross! Fuck You Cross! Fuck You Cross!” from a safe distance as Cross lies across some seats and somebody’s wife’s lap
Yolanda Ando: It is just the worst coming to one of these things…
Tuxedo Mask jumps on to the announce table, steps on Guillermo’s shoulder, and then vaults off of him to catch a rising Cross Recoba with a plancha that knocks him into a row of emptied chairs in the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Couldn’t agree more.
The Key Arena does a dueling chant of ““TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross!”
Yolanda Ando: This audience just likes to see these two hurt one another?
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s really no bad result here.
Yolanda Ando: It’s kinda fun when you think about it like that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know, right?
Yolanda claps and in the third row of the crowd, Tuxedo Mask pulls Cross up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Cross comes up swinging with a european uppercut. Another one rocks Tuxedo Mask in the jawline.
Yolanda Ando: Another one rocks Tuxedo Mask in his somehow both masculine and feminine jawline.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You ok?
Yolanda Ando: What? I mean, sure.
Cross Recoba chops him with another knife edge to the chest. Another hard chop smacks Tuxedo Mask in the pectoral
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask fires back with a punch to the nose…that has very little effect.
Cross just stares at him in anger, and Tux nervously apologizes and backs away as the crowd cheers his predicament
Yolanda Ando: He looked the exact same when I caught him at the Palm Springs Marriott with Yuku Shiro.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba strikes Tuxedo Mask with a european uppercut he did not see coming.
Tuxedo Mask drops to his knees in the 5th row, and Cross tells Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. to back the booing fans off to give him some room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and bowls over a kneeling Tux with a european uppercut!
The Key Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the awkward way Tuxedo Mask landed out in the crowd. Then they start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips him, but Tux slides through the legs of a rather overweight fan in the eighth row.
Cross tries to follow Tux, but the big man in the Little Dragon shirt goes left when Cross tries to pass him. The fan panics and goes left just as Recoba goes left. Cross gets frustrated and tosses the fan to the floor
Yolanda Ando: Hey!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just despicable. Cross looks up from the commotion of pushing that fan to the ground, and sees Tuxedo Mask flip off the first bowl of The Key Arena onto him!!
The Seattle crowd roars as Tuxedo Mask and Cross Recoba lie out amongst the scattered chairs of the eleventh row
Yolanda Ando: I took a picture with that guy at the meet and greet. He was nice! He has 5 turtles he named after The Anointed! Marty Donatello loves tomatoes and his sunning rock!
Guillermo O’Bannon: So does the real one.
Tuxedo Mask pulls Cross up by the hair and starts leading him back to the front row. He pulls him down into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask lifts Cross up into a reverse suplex and drops his stomach on the guard rail!!
Cross Recoba flops back into the front row of the crowd, while Tuxedo Mask grabs a chair from a fan. Tux steps over the railing, and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault with that chair, smashing Cross Recoba in the face out in the front row!!
The Key Arena roars and both men try to collect themselves amongst the beer cups and nacho boxes
Yolanda Ando: God, our fans really don’t pick up after themselves do they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They treat it like it’s their home.
Tuxedo Mask climbs over the railing, into the ringside area. He rolls into the ring, and lays there for a bit to recover. Cross climbs over the guard rail, and Tux hits the ropes and flips into a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
Tux stands up to take a bow and the audience boos him, and starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is back in the ring and hits the ropes again. He baseball slides under the bottom rope and catches Cross with a helicopter huracanarana, but Cross catches him by the arms and lifts him up into a crucifix into a neckbreaker!!
The Seattle fans boo as Cross rolls Tuxedo Mask onto the apron and then climbs up there with him. They both stand on the apron, and Cross grabs him front facelock and sitout DDTs him on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Staten Island Drop!! Cross Recoba rolls Tux back in the ring finally, and then slingshots himself over the ropes into an elbow drop.
Cross Recoba irish whips Tuxedo Mask into the ropes and hits him right on the button with a dropkick. He picks up the ladder in the ring and leans it against the corner as the audience buzzes with anticipation of the ladders getting introduced
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba irish whips Tux into the ladder against the turnbuckles!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, but doesn’t even get time to suffer before Cross runs in with a knee to his chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowhere to go but hurt! Recoba runs up the ropes to whack Tux in the ear with an enzuigiri!
Cross steps through the ropes and grabs Tuxedo Mask by the hair. Tux drops into a split and punches Recoba in the balls
Guillermo O’Bannon: Desperation move there by Tux, but effective.
Cross Recoba goes down to one knee, and Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Cross to turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits a somersault huracanrana from the top turnbuckle to the floor!!
The fans cheer as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. catches Recoba looking dazed on the Key Arena floor. Tux pulls himself up by the desk and notices Yolanda
Tuxedo Mask: “Wow, I gotta tell you Yoli, you’re like a fine wine. The more of you I drink in, the better I feel.”
Yolanda Ando: (blushes) Aw, stop. Not really.
Tuxedo Mask: “No, I’m serious. You’ve got everything I’ve been searching for, and believe me—I’ve been looking a long time.”
Yolanda Ando: Wait. You said that exact same thing at the Irish Rage afterparty in Belfast.
Tuxedo Mask: “I did?”
Yolanda Ando: Yes, jerk.
Yolanda slaps Tux and the fans cheer wildly. She picks up Guillermo’s large fast food cup of “Sprite”
Guillermo O’Bannon: No!!
Yolanda throws the drink in Tux’s face, popping the crowd. Tux covers his eyes, screaming
Tuxedo Mask: “It burns!! What was in that??”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sprite?
Cross Recoba grabs Tuxedo Mask from behind and release german suplexes him on the concrete!! The Seattle crowd chants “YOLANDA!! YOLANDA!! YOLANDA!!”
Yolanda Ando: (waves to the crowd) I’m still gonna let him use my Netflix password.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know.
Cross Recoba rolls Tuxedo Mask into the ring and follows him in. He pulls down one of the ladders and lays it on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba scoops Tux up and bodyslams him on that steel ladder! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and then dives off with a flying elbow to Tux’s chest while he’s lying on that ladder!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!” and Tux rolls to his side, clutching his chest. Cross Recoba sets up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and begins climbing up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we go, Cross Recoba climbing up to grab his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Yolanda Ando: I was wondering why that thing was hanging over the ring, but I was too embarrassed to ask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux climbing up the same side, and pokes his head under Recoba’s legs to stop him.
Yolanda Ando: Looks like he’s going to give him a piggyback ride.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead, Cross Recoba reverse huracanranas him off the ladder!!
The audience boos Cross as he lays there, with a slight smile on his face. He knocks down one of the ladders onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross grabs him by the hair and sits out into a facebuster on the ladder!!
The sound of Tux’s face hitting the ladder rings through the Key Arena. Tuxedo Mask clutches his face, and kicks his toes into the mat. Cross Recoba picks up one of the ladders and lays it across the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pulls him up into a DDT, but Tuxedo Mask lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, and F5’s his face into the ladder on the top turnbuckle!!
The Seattle fans pop and Recova stumbles around, holding his face. Tuxedo Mask irish whips him into the corner with the ladder leaning against it! Recoba holds the back of his head where it whipped into one of the rungs and looks stunned
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba staggers out of the corner and Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear!
Tuxedo Mask fireman’s carries Recoba up on his shoulders again and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He turns around and grabs one of the ladders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask taking too long with that ladder, so Cross stands on the second turnbuckle and hops onto the middle of the top rope and turnaround dropkicks the ladder into Tux’s face!!
The rattle of the ladder rings through the Key Arena and both men lie on the mat, exhausted. The audience fills in the gap with the dueling chant of “TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba lifts Tux up into a side waistlock and then drops him into a side slam on the ladder, with an elbow on the way down as a little cherry on top.
Yolanda Ando: Who would want that cherry?
Cross Recoba tries to follow it up with an elbow drop, but Tux rolls out of the way and Recoba’s elbow hits nothing but ladder. Tux gets up and drags him into the corner, and then takes a ladder and sticks it between the second and bottom rope, bridging it across Recoba’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask backs up and cartwheels into a handspring into a basement dropkick to that ladder into Recoba’s face!!
The Key Arena rocks with an “OH!” Tuxedo Mask steps through ropes into the second ring
Yolanda Ando: Can he do that? I mean, they’re using ladders as weapons, so I guess.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux gets a running start in the other ring, jumps onto the middle of the top rop and leaps off into a springboard dragon rana in this ring!!
Tuxedo Mask sets up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Yolanda Ando: He wins now, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, no, he has to still grab it.
Yolanda Ando: Seems fairly simple.
Tuxedo Mask starts climbing up the ladder, but Cross Recoba climbs up behind him. He tucks his head underneath Tux’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives Tuxedo Mask his own Tuxplex ‘99 saito suplex off the ladder!!
The fans can’t believe the match their seeing, and give both men a round of applause. Cross grabs him in a ¾ nelson and then runs up the ladder rungs and backflips into a sit out shirunai
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sicilian Typewriter!!
Yolanda Ando: That sounds like a real page turning book.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It does, actually. Recoba pulls Tuxedo Mask up into a front facelock, and then rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker.
Cross Recoba pulls Tuxedo Mask up by the hair and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below. Tux smacks the railing on the way down. Cross leans one of the ladders against the ropes. He runs into the ropes, runs up the leaning ladder and missile dropkicks Tuxedo Mask on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Million Lira Dropkick with some help from that ladder!!
The Seattle crowd can’t believe what they saw. Cross lies there, exhausted, next to Tuxedo Mask. Recoba rolls to his side, trying to catch his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rolls into the ring and sets up a ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Tuxedo Mask desperately climbing to the apron.
Cross Recoba scales the ladder, while Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself to the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask catches Cross Recoba with a springboard tornado DDT that takes him off the ladder to the canvas below!!
Both men lie prone on the mat, drenched in sweat, sprawled out in fatigue
Yolanda Ando: This is an amazing match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I concur wholeheartedly. Tuxedo Mask picks up a ladder and violently spikes it on Cross's head and body!!
The clank of the ladder hitting Recoba’s skull rings through the Key Arena getting a loud “OH!!” from the crowd. Tuxedo Mask climbs up the ladder
Yolanda Ando: He’s all the way at the top!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask jumps from the top of the ladder with a 610 degree stardust press but Cross rolls out of the way and Tux just hits steel ladder!!
A sympathetic groan from the audience as Tux rolls around in agony. Cross Recoba crawls to the side of the ring and pulls himself up by the ropes. He scoops Tuxedo Mask up and then twirls into a jumping spinning tombstone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up All Night In Dakota!!
Tuxedo Mask rolls over, dazed. Cross Recoba begins climbing the ladder under the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship while the fans boo
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba climbing up the ladder towards that belt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He grabs onto it and pulls it down, and we have our winner!!
The bell rings and the Seattle fans jeer loudly. Cross Recoba stays on top of the ladder with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship lofted over his head as “My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays through the Key Arena
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 37 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba successfully defends his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a hellacious ladder match with Tuxedo Mask.
Yolanda Ando: I’m happy Tux lost, but sad that Cross won. I’m not sure how to feel.
Cross Recoba finally steps down from the ladder and straps the belt around his waist while he flicks his hair back. Tuxedo Mask rolls to the outside of the ring. Inside the ring, Tommy Milligan hands Cross the HCW Diamond Championship as well, which he slings over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure the audience at home feels the same way, but this was Cross Recoba’s warning shot to the rest of the West Coast that he is in for a long reign as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
The Key Arena boos as Cross gives them an obnoxious bow while covered in championship belts and gold
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was an absolutely mind blowing match, but Tuxedo Mask took one gamble too many and it allowed Cross Recoba to retain his title.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his crew of Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. clear a path through the angry fans trying to get at Cross Recoba as he walks back to the locker room. He smiles at them and occasionally has to smack away one of their hands with his cane to get by
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba having to almost fight his way back to the dressing room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You never want to see this. Fans, please never put your hands on a professional wrestler.
Cross Recoba finally gets through the throng of fuming fans and stands at the top of the ramp. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sends a message to the Hardkore World roster about what kind of champion he is. But coming up fans, is the big WarGames match between The Anointed against Kilroy Evans, The Sheik, Kalmin Watts, and Little Dragon. We’ll be right back!
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. sits backstage, staring stoically at the camera
Carl Valentine Jr.: A lot of people think being a timekeeper is just sitting at ringside and timing the matches.
…
Cameraman: Oh, you’re done?
Carl nods
Cut to Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Simon Cruise gives Little Dragon a superplex but the camera is on Carl Valentine Jr. at the timekeeper’s table with Hardkore Ring Announcer Greg Jin. Simon Cruise rolls his hips into a second snap suplex and then rolls him back up and then hooks his leg and drops him into a small package driver. Referee Richie Richardson counts to three and signals for Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell. He nods and pulls the chain, clanging the bell several times. Greg leans over and Carl whispers the time of the match into his ear. Greg nods and announces
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The fans roar and the camera pushes in on Carl, who looks sad and forlorn. The shot cuts back to present day, backstage
Carl Valentine Jr.: Does it bother me that everyone cheers for Greg? No, not really. My family’s been in this business since the 50s, so I’m just happy to be part of it. I mean, does Greg really know how long the match was without me telling him? No. Does that make him a fraud? I guess so? It’s not my place to decide that, but I guess it’s pretty obvious that he’s a horrible person who steals dreams and is a total phony and doesn’t ever ask how I’m doing on Resident Evil. Like ever.
Cuts out
The parking lot of the Key Arena, a line of fans wrapped around the building. A black SUV pulls into the lot and parks sideways. The fans all clammer about, trying to see who is inside, when through the sun roof of the vehicle the tiny head of Hasbulla pops out.
A slight cheer comes from the crowd as Habi waves to them, before turning his head around and letting out a high pitched whistle, and waving his little hand off towards something in the distance.
Suddenly a car's honking horn can be heard, getting louder with each passing second before it comes into view. It's a brightly blue painted jeep, with a huge can of Saintly Hard Seltzer on the top of it. The closer the vehicle gets it comes into view that it is being driven by none other than the Blessed One, Alexander Von Blankenship, himself. He Tokyo Drifts the vehicle into the parking lot, sliding in just behind the limo as he grabs a P.A. system mic from the console of the vehicle.
Who wants to be blessed with some Saintly?
The crowd cheers.
AVB smirks as he pushes a button and a powerful stream of liquid shoots from the side of the vehicle, knocking a small group of people to the ground.
Take that you freeloaders. Nothing is free for you peasants. You want to boo me? You want to cheer the Shiek? You people deserve nothing.
AVB hits another button, and a poof of smoke shoots out to the wet fans on the ground, covering them in baby powder.
You're lucky all you got is a little water and powder. You all deserve to be tar and feathered. I am the chosen one, yet you still cheer for a mumble mouthed low life heretic? You don't deserve to be Saintly. None of you.
Hasbullas high pitched giggle echoes from the roof of the SUV before "You suck" chants break out in the crowd.
Oh you all think I suck? Remember that tonight when the blood of the Shiek is on all of your hands.
The "You Suck" chants get louder. AVB looks at Hasbulla and shrugs.
But then again, why wait for his blood to be in your hands tonight, when it can be all over you right now,huh?
The Blessed One pulls a lever inside of the vehicle causing the Saintly can to spew out a red liquid all over the crowd of people, soaking them all in what appears to be sticky liquid.
See you tonight Shieky! Hahahahahahaha!
AVB peels out, burning his tires as he exits. Hasbulla points and laughs at the crowd as the SUV speeds off.
Phillip Blauer: Phil Blauer here to talk to you about a common problem among men. There’s many names for it. Bashful bladder, pee shy, constapeeted, the list goes on and on. I too suffer from this affliction, medically known as public piss syndrome. Or PPS. But learn how to live with this disease with my helpful seminar available for 10 easy payments of $33. First, I offer several ways to avoid the experience entirely.
Technique #1: Neutralize the Threat
Phil drags the trash can over to the door and jams it under the doorknob. He peacefully urinates as you hear people struggle fruitlessly trying to open it
Technique #2: Confront the Problem Head On
Phil walks next to a man peeing in a urinal and stands next to him as if to pee, but he just stares at the man
Phillip Blauer: I AM NOT…AFRAID!
Man: Hey buddy, calm down…
Phillip Blauer: I WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE…BY YOU!!
Man: Are…are you OK?
Phillip Blauer: (sobs) Please…help me… I just want to feel safe…
Technique #3: Scorched Earth
Three men are peeing in urinals when suddenly Phil comes in with a tank of kerosene, pouring it over the walls, sinks, and bathroom stalls
Guy: What are you doing??
Another Guy: Are you insane?
Phil strikes a match and lights it, and fire starts consuming the bathroom
Guy: Let’s get out of here.
They run out of the men’s room. Phil sighs with relief, and then begins peeing in the urinal with in a fully engulfed bathroom. He turns to the camera
Phillip Blauer: So stop watching the men’s room door to see when everyone leaves whenever you have to “pay the old water bill”. Order my DVD, “Living with PPS with Phil Blauer”
The firemen run in to the bathroom
Fireman: Sir! You have to evacuate!!
Phil Blauer: GREAT! Now it stopped again!
Fade up on Hardkore ring crew lead by Donnie Valentine Jr. putting the finishing touches on the classic Hardkore WarGames double cage surrounding both rings with no roof
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s time for our first Wargames match in almost 14 years when in Las Vegas in June of 2009, The Manhattan Project; with “The Punisher” Dan Stein, Kilroy Evans, Dougie Ray Bullet, Poke the Clown, and Cecil Kennedy defeated The Untouchable Highlights of Humanity which consisted of "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Ken Shiro, Requiem, the late Legacy, and Aaron Rupp. Now it’s 2023, and the wrestlers that truly love Hardkore World have banded together to try and rid Hardkore World of The Anointed.
Yolanda Ando: I gotta be honest. I’m pretty sick of The Anointed always cheating the paying public out of clean finishes and I hope…
Phil Blauer makes his way to the announce team, wearing a new green jacket with his formerly white suit, now covered in soda stains with wet beer on the pants with a hot dog wrapper stuck to the back of his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! You’re back?
Phillip Blauer: It was the damndest thing, Guillermo, I was fading in and out of consciousness while Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. performed CPR and Hardkore Stick Man Kevin Valentine Jr. went through my pockets. I started going to the light when I heard this voice. It was Hardkore Jonnie Valentine saying some woman was doing well enough for them not to need me anymore. So I made a few deals to come back, which reminds me, you probably gotta go to hell, buddy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Woah…you’ve never said my name before. Are you sure you're OK?
Yolanda Ando: Jonnie said that? Did he know my name?
Phillip Blauer: I doubt it.
Yolanda Ando: Phil, that was a nasty fall you took. You should be at a hospital.
Phillip Blauer: And let you Renee Paquette me out a job? Hit the bricks, sister!
Yolanda Ando rolls her eyes and takes off her headset. She gets out of her chair and hands it to Phil who swiftly takes it from her hand. Yolanda walks back to her spot at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did you get that green jacket?
Phillip Blauer: Greg Jin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His favorite jacket?? It looks expensive.
Phillip Blauer: I know. He’s gotta be making more than me.
Yolanda Ando: Has to be.
Phillip Blauer: I’m keeping it.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the Seattle fans roar as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches. Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the cheers of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the first member, Little Dragon. He says that by attacking him in Coachella, it shows just how scared they are of him and his teammates.
Phillip Blauer: The only thing that scares The Anointed is the hotel we put them up at in Bellevue.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s in the Seattle area…
Phil looks incredulous
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s in the Greater Seattle area.
Yolanda Ando: Back here at ringside, Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Phillip Blauer: (looks suspiciously at the mic on his headset) Is this foundation make up on my mic?
Yolanda Ando: That’s from you.
Phillip Blauer: Well, I’ll be dogged. It is!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Key Arena lets out a huge pop as Kalmin Watts, wearing his WUK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has been spilling blood with “High Roller” Wesley Crane across the pond in Wrestle UK and looks forward to get him and his cronies in the double cage tonight. While Watts bonded with his teammates after Coachella, his manager Anthony Jordan went to his old boss, Timmy for some advice on tonight’s match.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if I could work for a Timmy.
Yolanda Ando: You work for a Jonnie?
Phillip Blauer: That’s a much more dignified name. Jonnies are old mobsters that get whacked at a steakhouse and die with a cigar in their teeth.
Yolanda Ando: Ok? Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts got into some rough stuff when he was out drinking with his teammates, so he knows he can count on them in a fight.
Phillip Blauer: I’d bet the house that Little Dragon drove everyone home.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the fans cheer. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Portland, The Sheik had Marty Donovan’s Hardkore World title reign in jeopardy when Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome interfered and saved Marty from losing. He defeated AVB in that brutal Stairway to Heaven Match at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Then in Coachella, The Anointed tried to gang up on him when Kilroy Evans came down and said enough was enough. Now the two former rivals have joined forces to try and end the stranglehold that The Anointed have on Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: They don’t want to end the stranglehold The Anointed have on the commentary, do they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Phillip Blauer: Phew.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik probably isn’t going to go out for drinks with Kilroy, Kalmin, and Little Dragon…
Phillip Blauer: Evidenced by the fact that he didn’t go out for drinks with Kilroy, Kalmin, and Little Dragon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But after the LA Freeway match he had with Kilroy at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he can be sure that he won’t fold when the chips are down.
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and Kilroy gets the loudest pop of the night! Kilroy walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, slapping hands and getting hugs from longtime fans. Kilroy helps a fan take a picture by holding the phone and then handing it back to him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy was here in Seattle was 11 years ago back in 2012 when he successfully defended his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over James Fierce. 5 years earlier in 2007, he defeated Poke the Clown in a dog collar match to win custody of Sarah, a little girl Poke was terrifying in his promos.
Phillip Blauer: She would have been better off with the evil clown. The man starts fires!
Guillermo O’Bannon: His first match in this building was 17 years ago, in 2005, he lost to the late Lonewolf Eric McNeely, but tonight, he plans on a big win over a stable that has outnumbered him and harassed him for nearly a year. And to do it, he got the three people he could trust to try and eradicate The Anointed.
Kilroy gets to ringside and nods to his teammates, giving an extra solemn nod to The Sheik, who barely returns it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy feels he’s been easy on The Anointed, and hasn’t turned on his violent side like his famous feuds with Death Gojira, Matthew X, Rated X and Poke the Clown. But tonight, he will oblige them to help the young talent rid The Anointed and allow them an opportunity.
Greg Jin: (without his usual green jacket on) “Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to WarGames! The match starts off with two men for five minutes, and then one from each team comes in every two minutes after that, until all eight men are inside the cage and then it becomes The Match Beyond. Only then can the match end by submission or surrender. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!! His partner is accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!! Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!! And from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
Little Dragon nods at the crowd’s reaction while Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully
“In The Meantime” by Spacehog plays and the Key Arena rocks with boos. The Anointed step out through the smoke in slow motion dressed as The Guardians of the Galaxy in the multicolored space suits. Marty Donovan as Starlord, Hasbulla is Rocket
Guillermo O’Bannon: (throws his pencil over his shoulder) For fuck’s sake…
Phillip Blauer: What are you talking about? This is amazing! Imagine if other super groups had done this? Could you imagine if the Four Horsemen had thought of this? Walking down to the ring in satin jackets that said “Short Circuit” on the back?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why wouldn’t they say War Games?
Phillip Blauer: Just picture it! The Heenan Family coming down to the ring for the Survivor Series dressed as the characters from Three Men In A Baby.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So Rick Rude…
Phillip Blauer: Would obviously be Tom Selleck, and Bundy is the baby, come on.
With a cocky smirk on his smug face, Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, while Wrestle UK World Heavyweight Champion, Hardkore West Coast Champion, and Hardkore World Tag Team Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane looks at everyone in the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein getting work done on his elbow so he did not make the trip out to Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, rest easy big guy!
Alexander Von Blankenship mouths the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Marty Donovan has a slight limp as he walks to the ring, waving to the booing fans
Phillip Blauer: Doctors warned Marty that he is in no shape to compete, but he is nothing if not a gamer and is pressing on in this horribly violent match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right, Marty suffered a knee injury in that match with Cross Recoba…
Phillip Blauer: His knee? No, I’m talking about his therapist. He is far too depressed from the loss of his Hardkore World Championship. A loss, caused by, let’s be honest, dumb luck. Imagine knowing God hates you that much? The man can’t be expected to compete in this condition.
Steve Awesome walks down to the ring with AVB, who points to random fans, letting them know he’s better than them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed destroyed The Society of the New Breed, they out lasted The Oracles of Suffering. They are clearly the top and only group in Hardkore World. They say tonight will be their coronation.
Phillip Blauer: If they held more coronations in steel cages I would probably watch them.
Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the fans. Steve Awesome provocatively slips off his Guardians jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed aren’t going to pretend they hang out after hours. They don’t go to dive bars like Watts, Kilroy and Dragon and drink domestic and catch HPV from the bar stools. What they do together is win championships. What they do together is destroy any opposition hastily thrown together against them like this.
Once he’s near the cage, Wesley Crane holds his arms wide open. AVB walks up to the cage, and gives the ring the sign of the cross blessing before climbing looking towards the crowd and yelling "Always Very Blessed"
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein getting work done on his elbow so he did not make the trip out to Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, rest easy big guy!
Yolanda Ando stands by while the Guardians of the Galaxy take off their jumpsuits. She stares at the camera awkwardly as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. took her shot too early. She just nods as her lower third graphic says “Yolanta Anto” underneath her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Um, standing by is Yolanda Ando. With our Hardkore Fashion Report!
Marty has his knee brace caught on his jumpsuit so he can’t get his off. Yolanda continues to wait
Phillip Blauer: Take it away, girl! No, that’s not her name…
Yolanda Ando: Thank you, guys! Steve Awesome is wearing neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to hbk. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He wears black kneepads with the logo on each knee, and black and green boots. His wristbands are black with green trim. Alexander Von Blankenship is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants. He’s shirtless, and his hands are taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Marty Donovan finally pulls his Guardians jumpsuit off his leg, exhausted.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan is wearing a blue and maroon speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kickpads with the signature Disney D on the knees. He has a tattoo of the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled on his heart.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; The Only One That Matters. Prettiest Player in the Game…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!! His partner is from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is That Lucky Bastard, Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! From The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION and The WRESTLE: UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are THE ANOINTED!!!”
The boos are deafening for The Anointed, who seem to revel in it. Marty Donovan confers with his team while on the other side of the double cage, while Kilroy appears to volunteer to go first on his side
Wargames Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and The WarGames has begun! Kilroy Evans tries to enter the cage, but The Sheik pushes past him and forces his way into the cage!
The Seattle crowd roars as a determined Sheik crosses the ropes into the second Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling's ring. Marty Donovan motions for anyone else but him to start off, while they all seem a little hesitant
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears The Anointed are still a little unsure of who they want starting off for them, with Marty
Phillip Blauer: Sometimes it’s just a case of two many deep thinkers in one group. Someone’s gotta be The Ringo. But who? Who will be The Ringo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair and pulls him into the WarGames!
The audience is on their feet, the air is electric as The Sheik batters Marty Donovan around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bouncing Marty Donovan around the ring like a rag doll!
The Sheik pushes Marty Donovan into the corner and pushes his face into the turnbuckle. Donovan drops to his knees into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: That turnbuckle is stained with the blood of gym teachers who spent their life savings on wrestling training.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik stomps the back of Marty’s head! He has not forgotten their match in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: We all have to move on some time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips Donovan into the ropes and hits the opposite ropes, then catches Donovan with a slingblade clothesline!
The fans cheer as Malcolm Xavier Graves taps on the cage with his cane. The Sheik stomps him, and then grabs a front facelock. He tightens up on his locked hands, flattening out his body on top of Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik wrenching Donovan’s head from side to side in that front facelock. He leans back on his head and neck, not allowing him to get any new air.
Marty works his way up to his feet with Sheik still hanging on to the front facelock. The Sheik backs him into the corner, and then slugs Donovan. He then irish whips Marty chestfirst into the opposite corner so hard, the top turnbuckle falls off
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if that ring is going to make it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bounces off the ropes for another slingblade, but this time Marty is ready with a basement dropkick to his knees!!
The audience jeers as The Sheik lies on the mat, holding both his knees. Marty runs up to the turnbuckles, but has to gingerly climb them
Phillip Blauer: The ropes on that ring are looser than Kilroy’s sweatpants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty takes too long and The Sheik catches him with a punch while he’s still perched on the top turnbuckle. He hops on the second rope, and then hops up into a huracanrana off the top rope!!
The Seattle crowd cheers as Marty sits up in pain. Kilroy Evans tosses over a steel chair, but it hits the top of the cage and falls back down
Phillip Blauer: What is that arsonist doing now??
Guillermo O’Bannon: On the second attempt, Kilroy gets a chair over the cage into WarGames!
The Sheik picks it up and points at Marty, who begs off. The fans are at a fever pitch!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jams the top of that chair into Marty’s chest!
The fans pop as Marty is flung against the corner. Donovan rubs his collarbone as The Sheik sets the chair up in front of the corner
Phillip Blauer: We were having a nice clean WarGames until The Guy That Makes The Build A Bear People Stay Late had to throw a chair into it. Real nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik backs up…
Phillip Blauer: Just unbelievable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …and he gets a head of steam before jumping off the chair into a heel kick in the corner!
The Seattle fans chant “Sheik! Sheik! Sheik!” as Marty slumps against the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives with a single leg takedown, into a cross knee lock. Working over Marty’s injured knee early!
The Key Arena pops as Marty Donovan cries out in pain. The Sheik twists his foot and calf, putting pressure on his knee
Phillip Blauer: This is barbaric, the man isn’t even allowed to give up yet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan was last in Seattle 15 years ago in 2007 when he defeated Dougie Ray Bullet. In 2012, he was booked to wrestle The Engineer here but he no showed.
Phillip Blauer: Classic Marty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rolls over onto his stomach with The Sheik’s arms, trying to twist his way out of it, but winds up converting it into a pluma blanca arm bar headscissors!!
The Key Arena rocks with boos
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Marty Donovan pulls back on Sheik’s trapped arm, while pushing down on his head. Outside of the cage, Hardkore Referee Richie Richardson asks for each team to select a representative. Kilroy Evans steps up for his team and Wesley Crane steps up for his
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re almost at the end of the five minute period. The next man in is to be determined by a coin toss.
Phillip Blauer: What? That’s asinine. Coin tosses are to determine water rights, not important things!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan clamping down on Sheik’s head, while pulling his arm away from the rest of his body.
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
A bullhorn sounds and Richie Richardson tosses the coin and Wesley Crane calls “Tails!”
Phillip Blauer: Shrewd. Tails Never Fails.
The coin lands on the concrete floor and bounces underneath the ring apron. The crowd lets out an audible gasp
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s Sake, Richie!
A panicked Richie Richardson awkwardly mopes over to the ring apron and checks under the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry folks, we’ll have this all figured out in a second.
Phillip Blauer: You’re telling me Carl Valentine Jr. would be worse than this kid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Carl, would be way worse.
Phillip Blauer: Really?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Way worse.
Carl Valentine Jr. nods from the timekeepers table
Phillip Blauer: I’ll be doggone.
Richie Richardson pulls his head from under the ring apron curtain and clearly did not see the coin he lost
Richie Richardson: Um, (shrugs) tails?
Phillip Blauer: Good lad!
“High Roller” Wesley Crane claps and enters through the cage door into the PSOW ring. Crane stomps The Sheik’s stomach while Marty Donovan maintains the pluma blanca
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane putting the boots to Sheik in that pluma blanca as The Anointed has a two on one advantage for the next two minutes. He elbow drops Sheik in the rib cage.
Marty Donovan releases the pluma blanca and gets up and joins Crane in kicking and stomping Sheik as he lays on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty irish whips Sheik into the corner and then Wesley Crane running knees him in the stomach. Donovan inverted atomic drops him staggering out of the corner and Wesley Crane hits him with a double knee to the face!
Wesley Crane lifts The Sheik up into a suplex and then drops him on his head with a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and Marty Donovan takes him out with a rolling wheel kick!
Crane pulls Sheik up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes but this time he hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik takes out both Wesley Crane and Marty Donovan with a springboard back elbow!!
The fans come to life as all three men lie there trying to catch their breath. The Sheik gets to his feet and grabs the chair. He steps through the ropes out of the PSOW ring into the Hardkore ring. The Sheik stands the chair up in front of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik gets a running start and jumps onto the middle of the top rope, he hops into the PSOW ring and hits Marty with a flying body press!
The Key Arena chants “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK! The Sheik turns around into a jawbreaker by Welsey Crane and the cheers turn to jeers
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, and then Marty Donovan cracks him with a flying forearm!
Wesley Crane pulls The Sheik up and hits him with an uppercut. The Sheik fires back with a right hand, but Marty knees him in the kidney from behind
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Kilroy Evans! He charges in but Marty tries to cut him off with a spin kick, but Kilroy rolls underneath it and takes out Wesley Crane with a roundhouse kick!
The fans erupt and Kilroy catches an oncoming Marty with a snapmare. Wesley Crane staggers over and gets a drop toehold that sends him face first into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans grabs Wesley Crane by the hair and tosses him headfirst into the steel cage!! He pulls Marty Donovan up by the hair and thinks about tossing him into the cage as well, but instead tosses him into the Hardkore ring!
Wesley Crane rolls over with a small cut over his forehead. The Sheik slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik catches Marty Donovan in the Hardkore ring with a springboard tornado DDT!!
The crowd is on their feet as The Anointed is on the run. Kilroy pulls Wesley Crane up to his feet in a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans running bulldogs Crane’s face into the mat!
In the Hardkore ring, The Sheik stomps Marty Donovan, and then scoops him up for a bodyslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits his legs on the top rope for a slingshot moonsault!
In the PSOW ring, Kilroy lifts Crane up for a suplex, but he floats over behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane lifts Kilroy Evans up into a brainbuster!
A bleeding Wesley Crane rolls his hips and lifts him for a second brainbuster, and then drops Kilroy on his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up for a third brainbuster!! In the other ring, The Sheik grabs Marty Donovan in a reverse chinlock.
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
The crowd boos Wesley Crane, while The Sheik holds on tight to Marty Donovan’s neck with the chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slips his head out, and counters with a hammerlock on Sheik’s arm. Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring and hits the trapped Sheik with a running european uppercut!
The jeers get deafening
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome enters the cage on the PSOW side, and irish whips Kilroy into the corner. He backs up and dives into a stinger splash that wilts Evans against the turnbuckles!
In the other ring, Wesley Crane atomic drops Sheik’s legs on the top rope between the two rings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan takes over on The Sheik with a rope hung neckbreaker!
The Sheik sits up, clutching the back of his neck. In the other ring, Steve Awesome does a double crotch chop and the boos rain down
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome hits Kilroy Evans with a bronco buster in the corner!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have this match well in hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They have a 3 on 2 advantage.
Phillip Blauer: They have a lot more advantages than that.
Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, and pulls Kilroy to his feet and gives him an exploder suplex out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the Hardkore ring, Marty Donovan tries to smash Sheik’s face into the cage, but The Sheik blocks it with his pointy boot. He counters by smashing Marty’s face into the cage!!
The audience cheers. In the other ring, Wesley Crane irish whips Kilroy Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome takes out Kilroy Evans with a high leg clothesline!
The Sheik throws a bleeding Marty over the ropes between the ropes but he gets caught in between them
Phillip Blauer: Pause the match, Marty is stuck between the ropes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stands the chair in front of the ropes. He hits the ropes, vaults off the chair, and catches the trapped Marty with a heel kick!
The Key Arena pops as Marty flounders and then falls on the bridged rings
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane irish whips Kilroy Evans into Steve Awesome who belly to belly suplexes him face first into the cage!!
The Key Arena rocks with boos as Kilroy ricochets back to the mat. A bloody Marty steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon enters the Hardkore ring to even the score! Marty Donovan runs at him, and Dragon flips him with a belly to belly suplex!
Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring, and Little Dragon cuts him off with a clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hops onto the middle of the ropes and takes out the bloody Wesley Crane with a springboard somersault senton in the PSOW ring!!
The Sheik stomps Steve Awesome. Little Dragon climbs to top turnbuckle, waits for Awesome to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik holds a chair in front of Steve Awesome’s face, and Little Dragon comes off the top with a van daminator kick to the chair!! That’s for what happened in Portland!
Phillip Blauer: What? A chair for that little Thigh Slapper superkick? Seems a little excessive.
The Sheik steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring. He picks Wesley Crane up by the bloodsoaked hair and slugs him. Little Dragon climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. A bleeding Kilroy crawls under the ropes into the Hardkore ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik scoops Wesley Crane up and drops him on his head with a michinoku driver II!! In the Hardkore ring, Little Dragon jumps off the top with a sicilian slicer to the back of Marty’s head, driving his face into the mat!!
Steve Awesome pulls himself up by the ropes and turns around into Kilroy who kicks him in the groin! The fans cheer, and Kilroy pulls Awesome’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Awesome up into a piledriver and drills his head into the mat!
Kilroy Evans: “You were warned, Steve!”
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous, when do we get another guy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’ll be a while.
The Sheik calls for a chair, and Kilroy throws him the one from the other ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that chair at Wesley Crane’s head!! In the other ring, Little Dragon irish whips Marty Donovan, but Donovan hops onto the middle of the top rope and jumps into the PSOW ring and springboard missile dropkicks Sheik in the back of the head!!
In the Hardkore ring, a busted open Kilroy fakes a headbutt and bites his Steve's nose instead when he flinches
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake he was in Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan!
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Phillip Blauer: Oh goody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, Marty irish whips Sheik into the ropes, does a drop down and has Sheik hops over him, Wesley Crane catches him with a spinebuster!
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Phillip Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship to save the day!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB runs up behind Kilroy Evans and kicks him right in the gooseberries!
Phillip Blauer: Ha! Not so funny when it’s your gooseberries, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Little Dragon in the gooseberries as well!
Phillip Blauer: What’s good for the goose…
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring and stomps The Sheik on the mat. He lifts The Sheik up into a slingshot suplex!
The Seattle crowd jeers. Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the other ring where Steve Awesome lifts Little Dragon up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his chicken winged arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes off the top rope with a flying elbow to Kilroy Evans chest!
In the PSOW ring, a bloody Marty Donovan lifts The Sheik up in an inverted facelock, then lifts him up into an inverted backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits up in pain, and Alexander Von Blankenship basement dropkicks him in the back of the head!
AVB steps back through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. He pulls Little Dragon up by the hair and whacks him with a hard chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lights Little Dragon up with another knife edge chop. Meanwhile, “The High Roller” Wesley Crane pulls Kilroy up, but Kilroy sprays Crane in the eyes with a mist of the blood that pooled in his mouth!!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh! There’s no telling what’s in that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another hard chop from Blankenship backs Little Dragon up, but then Dragon fires back with a kick to AVB’s ankle. This action is getting hard to call!
Phillip Blauer: It’s your job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m aware of that, Phil…Kilroy Evans with a double arm DDT on Wesley Crane! Kilroy stands up, a house on fire, but Steve Awesome gets him from behind with a diving reverse DDT!
Alexander Von Blankenship rocks Little Dragon with a right hand. Little Dragon responds with a stiff kick to AVB’s thigh. In the other ring, Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan flips into an Ode To Romero 450 splash but The Sheik puts his knees up!!
The Seattle fans come to life! In the Hardkore ring, Von Blankenship grabs Little Dragon by the hair and stuns him with an overhand right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits back with a fiery left handed punch on AVB. Steve Awesome hits the ropes and whacks Kilroy Evans with a step up shining wizard!
The Key Arena lets out a collective “OH!” Little Dragon takes over on AVB and hammers him with some rapid fire punches, but Von Blankenship cuts him off with an eye poke.
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Little Dragon up and fallaway slams him over the ropes into the PSOW ring!
In the PSOW ring, The Sheik grabs that chair and gives Marty Donovan an arabian facebuster leg drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: But here we go, after the final entrant, Kalmin Watts enters the ring it will be The Match Beyond.
Phillip Blauer: Right, which is what again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Only then can the match end by submission or surrender.
Phillip Blauer: I guarantee no one heard that the first time.
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes Kalmin Watts!
Greg Jin: “It Is Now The Match Beyond! This match may now end by submission or surrender!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs AVB and spinebusters him into the mat! Kalmin Watts presses his own partner Kilroy Evans over his head!
Phillip Blauer: Yes! He finally caught on to how annoying that guy is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts throws Kilroy over the ropes onto Marty in the PSOW ring!
The Seattle fans roar! Little Dragon bashes Alexander Von Blankenship’s head into the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane takes a swing at him but Kalmin ducks and release german suplexes him across the ring until Crane folds like an accordian!
Little Dragon rakes AVB’s face back and forth on the steel cage, shredding his forehead and making him bleed
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik enters the Hardkore ring, and just tosses that chair at Wesley Crane when he tries to get to his feet!!
The audience lets out another loud “OH!” In the PSOW ring, Marty Donovan gets up and tries to kick Kilroy, but Evans catches his injured knee and takes him down with a dragon screw leg whip. Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off, but Kalmin Watts catches him, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts taking on the entire Anointed by himself!
Phillip Blauer: Someone drug test him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts with a running powerslam on Steve Awesome!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts back up to his feet. Little Dragon picks up the chair and cracks Alexander Von Blankenship with it!! The crowd “OH”s at the sound of the chair hitting AVB’s skull
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring and applies a LaBell lock on Wesley Crane! Remember, submissions are now legal!
Phillip Blauer: When did that start??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik locking his hands under Wesley Crane’s chin, as the blood runs all over his fingers!
Wesley Crane tries to hang on while Malcolm Xavier Graves is pounding on the cage with his cane. Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, where Kilroy Evans irish whips Marty into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans spins Marty Donovan into a tiltawhirl backbreaker! In the Hardkore ring, The Sheik rocks back on Crane’s head and arm, but finally Steve Awesome stomps the back of Sheik’s head to break up the LaBell lock.
Phillip Blauer: Aw shucks, he beat me to it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the other ring, Kalmin Watts lifts Kilroy Evans up into a suplex on top of Marty Donovan’s midsection!!
The crowd cheers as Marty Donovan sits up in pain. Steve Awesome grabs Little Dragon from behind with a chicken wing crossface suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome drops Little Dragon on his shoulder with The Awesome-Plex!!
Little Dragon holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Wesley Crane lifts The Sheik onto his shoulders with a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver on The Sheik!
The Seattle fans boo as Sheik sits up from the impact and then falls back down. A very bloody Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the PSOW ring where Kilroy Evans electric chairs Marty Donovan up onto his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan reverses the electric chair into a reverse huracanrana on Kilroy Evans!!
The Key Arena lets out a collective “OH!” Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, where Alexander Von Blankenship cracks Kilroy Evans from behind with a kick to the knee that hobbles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs Kilroy Evans and dragon screw leg whips him to the mat. Marty Donovan gets a running start and dives over the ropes onto Kalmin Watts, who catches him and drops him into a gutbuster!
Alexander Von Blankenship steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring, where he scoops Little Dragon up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker. Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, and then runs into the ropes. He catches Kilroy Evans with a canadian destroyer style DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome with The Flip of the Franchise on Kilroy Evans!!
The audience boos. The Sheik pulls on the top rope, slingshotting himself into a leg drop across Marty’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane applies a dragon sleeper on Kilroy immediately! Inside the Hardkore ring, Kalmin Watts applies an armbar on Marty Donovan!
The Sheik steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring. A crimson masked Crane plants his feet and rocks back on Kilroy’s head and neck. Next to him, Watts clamps down on Donovan’s arm, trying to rip it out of the socket. Alexander Von Blankenship tries to irish whip Little Dragon but he reverses it and shoots AVB into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits the ropes and whacks Alexander Von Blankenship with a hard lariat!
A horribly bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship rolls into the Hardkore ring, where Kalmin Watts releases the armbar on Marty Donovan and comes over and stomps Welsey Crane to break up the dragon sleeper on Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Wesley Crane up and drops him into a ribbreaker.
Steve Awesome goes to irish whip a bleeding Evans but Kilroy hangs on and pulls him into a short arm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands With Danger on Steve Awesome! The Sheik climbs up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and hits Steve Awesome with a moonsault!!
The Sheik pulls Steve Awesome up into a suplex, but Awesome blocks it with his boot. He counters with a suplex of his own, but drops him into a sit out reverse suplex. In the Hardkore ring, Kalmin Watts scoops Donovan up but Marty floats over into an inverted facelock. He lifts Watts up into snapping backwards DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Better Than Cobryn!!
Kalmin Watts tries to no sell it, but Alexander Von Blankenship walks up to him and slaps him across the face! The Seattle audience lets out a loud “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: That’s for helping those less fortunate!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts tackles Alexander Von Blankenship out of his boots!!
The Key Arena erupts with cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship is sprawled out, bleeding on the canvas. Marty Donovan steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring where The Sheik irish whips Wesley Crane into the ropes and takes him out with a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, Disney’s Marty Donovan grabs Kilroy Evans from behind with a full nelson, and drops him with a release dragon suplex!
Marty Donovan grabs Kilroy Evans’ aching leg and drops back into a leg scissors cross knee lock. The audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan rocks back with Kilroy Evans’ trapped leg, trying to hyperextend the knee.
Kilroy whips his head, blood running down his face, refusing to give up. Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. In the PSOW ring, The Sheik finally comes over and stomps Marty, breaking up the leg scissors cross knee lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon irish whips Steve Awesome into the corner, but Awesome hops onto the top turnbuckles and backflips into an Awesome-Sault!!
Kalmin Watts presses AVB over his head, and walks him around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship slips out and lands on his feet behind. Watts turns around into an Ordained superkick under his chin!
Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the PSOW ring, and starts stomping and kicking Kilroy’s leg. A bleeding Marty Donovan steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. Donovan chicken wings Little Dragon’s arm and gets underneath him, lifting him up into a gloria suplex, dropping him on that arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, The Sheik comes off the top with a moonsault but Wesley Crane rolls out of the way!!
In the Hardkore ring, Marty Donovan full nelsons Little Dragon and dragon suplexes him, but Little Dragon lands on his feet behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon grabs Marty’s leg out from under him with an ankle lock! In the PSOW ring, Wesley Crane nearly cuts The Sheik in half with a spear!
Little Dragon twists Marty Donovan’s foot, as Marty tries to crawl away. In the PSOW ring, Alexander Von Blankenship grabs the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB approaches but Kilroy Evans catches him with a drop toehold and Von Blankenship falls face first on the chair!!
In the other ring, Little Dragon wraps his legs around Donovan’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of the ankle lock. Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pulls AVB’s head into his legs, and lift him up, drilling his bloody head into the canvas with a piledriver!
Blood streams down Marty’s face as he pushes up, forcing Little Dragon to stand back up, wrenching his foot with the ankle lock. Steve Awesome grabs Little Dragon from behind with a chicken wing crossface and suplexes him on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Lock! Awesome clamps down on Dragon’s throat while pulling up on that hammerlocked arm.
Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes and kicks Donovan in the stomach, and then drops down into a jawbreaker! Donovan legs fly up and Kilroy catches his legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jawesome!
Phillip Blauer: (rubbing his temples) Too…many…puns
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sits back on Marty’s back, pulling down on his twisted legs! Wesley Crane goes for the save but The Sheik takes him out with the black mass kick known as The Scimitar!!
Steve Awesome pulls back on The Awesome Lock, trying to pop Little Dragon’s arm out of it’s socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts tries to help Little Dragon, but Alexander Von Blankenship blindsides him with a superman punch known as The Baptism!!
The bell rings and half the fans boo and half cheer loudly. The men all continue fighting, seemingly unaware that the match is over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who won??
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed, obviously.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why?
Phillip Blauer: I’m speaking it into existence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well don’t.
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH…THE ANOINTED!!!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed outlast Kilroy, Sheik, Dragon, and Watts somehow, but not without paying for their many sins over the past year.
Marty Donovan holds up the arms of The Anointed, blood streaming down his face. Nodding as the fans boo. Kilroy Evans, Kalmin Watts, Little Dragon, and The Sheik leave the double cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed bloodied but not beaten…
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take this one, Gertrude. What does it mean to be Anointed? Well, Webster’s Dictionary defines being Anointed as “to add notes to a text or diagram, giving it explanation or comment.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Annotated.
Marty points at The Anointed members, and applauds to the audience as they boo. When he turns around, Alexander Von Blankenship nearly caves Marty’s face in with an Ordained superkick. The music stops and everyone stares in absolute shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wha- why…
The fans snap out of their shock and begin booing as Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into a Wrath of the Dragon moonsault double stomp to Marty Donovan’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on? Why are Steve Awesome and AVB doing this??
Phillip Blauer: Don’t look at me, they didn’t run this by me for some reason…
Marty tries to crawl away and grabs Wesley Crane’s boot. He slowly pulls himself up along Wesley’s body, as Crane looks at him indifferently, while bleeding all over himself.
Marty Donovan: “Wes…please. Help…what are they doing??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty, being betrayed by the group he started, with AVB in LA in August of last year! Begging his friend, Wesley Crane for help!
Marty, eyes bugging out with fear, looks in Wesley Crane’s eyes who just stares back emotionless. Steve Awesome pulls him back into his legs, and lifts him into a styles clash, but drops to his knees in a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ego Check on his former friend, Marty Donovan!!
The audience boo and throw trash at the cage. Wesley Crane turns around and walks out of the cage. Alexander Von Blankenship tells Steve Awesome to lift Marty up for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB lifts a limp Marty up on his shoulders, and then drops him on his head with a Omnipotence burning hammer!! What is the purpose of all this? They clearly waited until “The Punisher” Dan Stein was out getting surgery, so that Marty would be alone.
Phillip Blauer: (gasps, covers his mouth) I forgot about Dan!
Kilroy Evans comes back out and tries to stop Wesley Crane in the aisle way by grabbing his arm
Kilroy Evans: “Help him!!”
Wesley Crane whips his arm away, and continues walking up the ramp
Phillip Blauer: Was someone not paying attention to Kilroy for a second? That must have been devastating
Inside the double cage, Steve Awesome lifts Marty up into a fireman’s carry, and then spins him into a TKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: SteveKO!
Alexander Von Blankenship does the sign of the cross over Marty’s prone body as Steve Awesome applies a rings of saturn. AVB yells “We’re The Anointed!!” at the fans as a full cup of beer hits the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome applies Everybody’s Favorite Submission Hold…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, you mean the EFSH..or E*FiSH, for short…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Alexander Von Blankenship stomping the helpless Marty in the face and head…
The Seattle fans erupt as Kilroy Evans whips open the cage door and rushes Steve Awesome and AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lighting up AVB with right hands, then hammers him with headbutts. Steve Awesome releases the EFSH…
Phillip Blauer: E*FiSH…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Goddammit, Phil…
Kilroy Evans bites Steve Awesome on the forehead, making the movie star scream and wave on AVB who knees Kilroy in the kidneys. Marty crawls into the PSOW ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship twists Kilroy Evans into the lightning spiral he calls The Blessing!!
A bloody Kilroy Evans staggers up and Steve Awesome comes off the ropes with a canadian destroyer style DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flip of the Franchise!! He applies that chicken wing crossface on Kilroy! He pulls crushes Kilroy’s windpipe while cranking up on that arm. He tried to help his old tag team partner Marty from sustaining serious injury, and now he’s the one looking like he could be on the shelf.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta pay the piper when you want to play hero.
The Key Arena rocks with boos as Alexander Von Blankenship slaps him over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: I haven’t been the world’s biggest Marty fan for the way he wins his matches, but they could have…
Phillip Blauer: Could have what? Had a staff meeting? Maybe you haven’t been part of a supergroup like I have but we every other man in this territory looking to destroy The Anointed. You have to show what happens to people that no longer add anything to your stable, so that people know it would be even worse for them to cross you.
The fans chant “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK!” as AVB takes free shot on Kilroy after free shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you be so fickle? You’ve been singing his praises for months?
Phillip Blauer: Put the breaks on, chum. Show me one time I ever did that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re just saying that because you know Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. always forgets to record the show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Sheik! The Sheik is in the cage with a chair!
The Sheik whacks Alexander Von Blankenship in the back with the chair and he arches his back in pain! The crowd leaps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: Now what’s gotten into him?
Steve Awesome releases the crossface chicken wing and rolls to the mat before he can get brained with that chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome desert the cage! The Anointed have splintered here tonight in Seattle! Steve Awesome and AVB have mutinied against their one time leader Marty Donovan, and Wesley Crane neither helped nor attacked Marty, but left him to the wolves. One wonders what is the state of his tag team with “The Punisher” Dan Stein?
AVB and Steve Awesome back down the aisle with their arms raised. The crowd flip them off and chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” AVB puts his face close to a fan’s face, and then snatches back when the guy tries to hit
Phillip Blauer: Dan understands Wes is the triple champion for a reason, he’s a businessman.
Kilroy gets to his feet and sees The Sheik holding a chair. He tries to squint through the blood to see what Sheik’s intentions are
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy maybe misunderstanding that The Sheik just saved him from certain injury.
The Sheik looks back at him for a few moments, and then tosses the chair down, popping the Seattle audience. Kilroy Evans walks a few steps forward, and The Sheik gets into a fighting stance. In the PSOW ring, Marty Donovan begins stir, pulling himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sticks his hand out!
The fans cheer as Sheik looks a little confused and remains ready to punch Kilroy Evans. He looks at Kilroy’s hand, unsure
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe The Sheik just came out to get another chance at hurting Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome, but Kilroy is looking to thank him anyways. The Sheik seems to be mulling it over.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure it’s sticky from dipping sauces.
The Sheik instead just bails out of the ring, leaving Kilroy standing in the ring with his hand out. The audience boos in disappointment. Malcolm Xavier Graves is waiting for The Sheik in the aisleway, and pats him on the back as he walks by
Phillip Blauer: Not today.
Kilroy looks disappointed while he’s unaware that Marty Donovan has now climbed into the Hardkore ring and stands behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan now standing behind Kilroy Evans! Kilroy turns around and is startled by him.
Kilroy cocks back his fist as Marty just passively stands there. The Seattle fans chant “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have spent the past 10 months wrestling in World title matches at Helloween, texas tornado matches, and WarGames. But when Marty needed help, his old friend Kilroy was there for him.
Kilroy Evans sticks his hand out and Marty looks at it. The audience continues to chant MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” A blood drenched Marty looks around at the cheering crowd
Phillip Blauer: Marty but be pretty self absorbed…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right? But?
Phillip Blauer: Hmm? I was done.
Marty looks at Kilroy Evans' hand. Kilroy nods his head, assuring Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty shakes it!!
The crowd erupts and “When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays as Kilroy Evans hugs him. Marty seems a little uncomfortable with the affection
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express is back!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed has kicked Marty from the penthouse to the outhouse.
Kilroy Evans continues to hug Marty, lifting him off the ground a little, as Donovan pushes him away slightly. The Key Arena goes back to chanting MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we’re out of time, please join us next in Sacramento!
Phillip Blauer: Are you serious? Not on your life!
Phil Blauer takes his headset off and storms away from the desk. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to console him, but Phil waves him off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Seattle, I am Guillermo O’Bannon…
Phillip Blauer: Hi ho, I am Phil Blauer and, right off the bat you might be wondering. “Phil, didn’t Kermit the Frog say that?” And I say maybe you should go up to that scumbag and ask who stole it off of whom?
Guillermo O’Bannon: O….Kay? It is great to be up here in Seattle for the first time in nearly 11 years back in July of 2012.
Phillip Blauer: It’s been raining ever since I got here….
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have had some spring showers here but it’s nice and dry here in the Key Arena where tonight’s…
Phillip Blauer: …In panties dropping!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we go. Phil…
Phillip Blauer: The Blau Dog has historically done well here in Seattle. Something about the way their alabaster hands touch my California sun kissed cheek and say “The sun…does it ever ask about me?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore World has also historically done well here in Seattle, and tonight is no different. Tonight we have our main event, Cross Recoba putting his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on the line against Tuxedo Mask, who’s got a shocking new attitude. Did you see him walk out of Coachella?
Phillip Blauer: I thought that was Frank Ocean?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the TV taping.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get paid enough to watch those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Regardless, he better have that legendary lack of focus take a night off, because he’s going to need every bit of attention to detail to defeat Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba in his first title defense. It’s the biggest match of Tux’s career and it headlines tonight’s return to Seattle for Hardkore World. Then, it’s the reason we have those two rings, Wargames tonight between The Anointed and an assembled army of Kilroy Evans and his former sworn rival, The Sheik along with Kalmin Watts and Little Dragon.
Phillip Blauer: Oh is that why? I thought Donnie Valentine Jr. stole that from Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling as a prank.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s because of…(squints at the ring) Dammit, it is. Donnie??
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Sup boss?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that the PSOW ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Correctamundo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why didn’t you just build another ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Oh, and do what with it afterwards? You wanna tear that thing down and set it up at your apartment?
Guillermo O’Bannon: How did you get them to let you borrow their ring?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Easy. They don’t know about it. I know a guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is it safe?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Lemme put it this way. No.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sigh) Well at least take the PSOW banner off of it.
Donnie Valentine Jr.: Sure thing, anything else or can I get back to work?
Phillip Blauer: I could do with a refill on my coffee…oh, you were being sarcastic. Got it.
Donnie leaves while Guillermo squeezes the bridge of his nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry, fans. Also fans, we have Simon Cruise putting his undefeated streak on the line against Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God, is going to ride that coffee table to the ring again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really hope so. But first we have tonight’s first match up!
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Seattle fans boo as Moondog Dook walks out dressed as Sailor Moon. He blinks at the booing fans while eating a can of cat food
Phillip Blauer: Shouldn’t it be a can of dog food?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think the way that he is dressed is the bigger headline here.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the airlines lose your gear all the time. Moondog obviously strong armed some female talent to loan him hers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess. He did have a head injury in his match with Simon Cruise back in March. But after his barnburner in Coachella with Kilroy Evans, he is here to try and stomp out the young spark of “The Sulford Squid” Callum Cornwall…dressed as a Japanese school girl.
Phillip Blauer: As well he should, squid and moondogs are natural enemies.
Yolanda Ando: Moondog Dook is a gross Albino hillbilly wearing a navy blue pleated skirt, with a white shirt, and a red bow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Moondog Dook now whipping the turnbuckle with his chain, probably pretending it’s his opponent tonight, “The Sulford Squid” Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: I’ve done quite well not imagining anything that Dook is trying to pretend.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The Key Arena for tonight’s Hardkore World action! Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
The audience boos as Moondog Dook looks around confused.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas! Look at that fish bellied little twerp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Callum Cornwall made his debut in Coachella, finishing off Uncle Claymore Clyde. Growing up he watched 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus, so as soon as he was old enough, Cornwall was trained by former Hardkore World Television Champion “Rage” David Sadler.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so any minute that UK flag pole is going to be smashed into Moondog’s skull. I’m sure that was covered day one at an RDS dojo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” plans to dazzle the rough and tough Moondog with his technical skills tonight. He hopes this win will vault him up the rankings so that he can get revenge on Disney’s Marty Donovan for what he did to Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: I see, so he’s Indigo Montoya
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall holds up the flag in the center of the ring and begins to stretch for his match
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Shadow Dweller…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The crowd gives him a nice ovation
The Salford Squid vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as this one gets underway. The two wrestlers meet in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The huge hillbilly welcomes the Salford Squid to Hardkore World with an unforgiving right hook to the side of the head before forcing Cornwall into the corner.
A quick barrage of body blows sees Moondog get the advantage. Rearing back, Dook looks for a huge haymaker but the debuting Squid dodges and traps the Moondog in drag in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: The student of Syberus throws a quick flurry of forearms to the head of his opponent and quickly spins in with a discus elbow smash that stuns the veteran.
The Seattle fans cheer. Callum Cornwall hits Dook in the stomach with a rising knee that bows the Moondog over
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall butterflies Moondog’s arms and then snap double underhook suplexes him! Cornwall showing immense strength to take Dook down.
Phillip Blauer: Cornwall is showing immense strength by not calling a cop on Moondog Dook.
The Key Arena starts booing. Tuxedo Mask starts walking down to the ring. He points at the ring, wincing in disgust
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask has seen enough!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux doesn’t seem to appreciate Moondog Dook wearing the same ring attire as his best friend, two time Hardkore World Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae.
Moondog Dook looks at the approaching Tuxedo Mask and his eyes grow big. A quick glance over the shoulder tips Squid off and he leaps to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall cracks a distracted Moondog Dook in the side of the head with a springboard enzuigiri!!
The audience lets out an “OH!” Moondog Dook drops to his knees, and then falls to his face, exposing his blue shorts sticking out of his skirt. Cornwall rolls him over and makes the cover
…ONE!
…Moondog Dook kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid doesn’t waste any time protesting and rushes to the ropes, then whacks Dook with a running leg lariat!
The Moondog rolls to his feet but Squid cuts him off with a dropkick that draws applause from the Seattle fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, never stopping his momentum, Squid takes to the ropes once more. Dook sits up and catches a huge dropkick to the face!
Moondog Dook starts crawling towards Tuxedo Mask at ringside. Tux cringes and backs away from the apron as Dook reaches out his hand towards him
Tuxedo Mask: "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? You're not Sailor Moon! This isn't a safe space! Take that off... NO not here, leave it on, just... ugh!"
Tuxedo Mask points to “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Tuxedo Mask: "And you, get better friends! Why are you here? Goddammit. Now I'm in a bad mood and I'm gonna take it out on you!"
Phillip Blauer: I’m guessing that whatever costume shop he got that little sailor outfit from, Dook has lost his deposit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: One would hope. Callum Cornwall steps on the backs of Dook’s legs and peels back his head with an inverted facelock to the grounded Dook. Squid lifts up the heavier man and drops back into the Tuxmission!!
The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask looks at the ring incredulously. He looks at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. and said “The balls!” Richie Richardson asks Dook if he wants to quit but the multiple felon continues to fight.
Phillip Blauer: What’s this guy’s deal?! Doing other people’s submissions his first month?! He can expect a scathing report on the Wrestling Observer podcast tonight.
The Key Arena chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as he tries to quiet them down. Inside the ring, Callum Cornwall pulls back on Dook’s head while pushing on the backs of his knees with his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using his size advantage, Moondog Dook rolls to his feet but Callum Cornwall grabs him in a sleeper. Before he can get it locked in, Dook backs him into the turnbuckles.
The Salford Squid slumps into the corner allowing Dook to grab his head and start biting it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dook gnaws on Cornwalll’s eyebrow while the Englishman screams.
The audience boos as Richie Richardson starts the count. Then the Key Arena starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask is apoplectic at ringside. Suddenly Moondog Dook notices Tux and stops biting The Salford Squid. He cocks his head to the side and stares at Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook stops with the mid-match snack and backs into the middle of the ring. He charges in looking to pancake the debuting wrestler but the Squid moves! He full nelsons the stumbling Dook and release dragon suplexes him!
Not going for the pin, Squid reaches down and slides his kneepad to his shin as the crowd responds, expecting something big
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook gets to his knees, but “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall connects with a driven running knee directly into the back of Dook’s neck!
The Key Arena lets out a loud “OH!” Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. catches the Salford native as he gets to his knees with a huge smile across his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall locks a front facelock onto the bigger man and underhooks an arm to force him to his feet single underhook DDT!! The Confidence of Syberus!!
The crowd cheers. Holding onto the underhooked arm, The Salford Squid uses it to roll over Dook and hooks the leg
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Seattle fans applaud as "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis plays as Callum Cornwall rolls off of Moondog Dook with his hand raised
Greg Jin: “At 7 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid using Syberus’ finisher, Pure Confidence. Maybe it’s an homage, but never the less, Callum Cornwall continues his win streak here in Seattle, tonight.
Callum Cornwall walks along ringside, slapping fans’ hands and hugging some of the ladies in the front row. Tuxedo Mask rolls into the ring, and then walks around the defeated Moondog Dook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask starts stomping Moondog Dook!
Phillip Blauer: This business isn’t kind to people with head injuries.
The Salford Squid gets to the middle of the aisle, pumping hs fist in victory. Inside the ring, Tuxedo Mask pulls Moondog Dook up into a crotch tie position. He pumphandles Moondog Dook up into a spinning juvi driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosegarden piledriver on Moondog Dook for impersonating Ri Eun-Ae!!
Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle as the crowd jeers. Moondog Dook is sprawled out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits Moondog Dook with a corkscrew moonsault!!
Moondog Dook sits up, clutching his stomach. He rolls out of the ring to the other PSOW ring while the Seattle fans chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Suddenly the fans start cheering
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall cracks Tuxedo Mask with a european uppercut. He spins around into a discus elbow smash that floors Tux!
The audience cheers. Callum Cornwall fireman’s carries Tux up onto his shoulders and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. The Salford Squid climbs to the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux punches Cornwall in the nose!
Tuxedo Mask butterflies The Salford Squid’s arms and then double underhook sunset flip tiger bombs him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz on The Salford Squid!!
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask is done helping others look good. It’s time to make others look bad.
Tuxedo Mask pulls Moondog Dook back into the Hardkore ring. He rolls Dook over into the corner. He hops onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a split legged moonsault on Moondog Dook!!
Moondog Dook clutches his chest and rolls back into the PSOW ring. Suddenly the Seattle fans start cheering as Simon Cruise runs down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is done watching Tuxedo Mask bully these two!
Phillip Blauer: Wasn’t he responsible for Moondog Dook’s head injury in question?
Simon Cruise gets into the ring and handsprings into a mule kick to Tuxedo Mask’s face, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Randomizer!!
The Seattle fans roar as Tuxedo Mask flops to the floor! Cruise motions for Tuxedo Mask to get back in the ring, but Tux motions that Simon isn’t worth it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask leaving as The Salford Squid, Moondog Dook, and Simon Cruise stand tall in the ring!
Tuxedo Mask is fit to be tied as he points at the ring
Tuxedo Mask: “Nothing about this situation makes sense!!”
Moondog Dook tucks his head under Cruise’s arm, while Simon pets him like a dog. Callum Cornwall kicks the bottom rope in frustration
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we have more live action from Seattle, Washington! We’ve got word that Kevin Valentine Jr is backstage with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, Cross Recoba, ahead of his first title defense in tonight’s main-event in a Ladder match against Tuxedo Mask.
Backstage in the corridors of the Key Arena we see Kevin Valentine Jr joined by Cross Recoba. Still in the suit he presumably arrived in, Recoba appears relaxed with the HKW World Heavyweight and HCW Diamond titles over a shoulder apiece.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Cross, tonight sees you put that title on the line since you beat Marty Donovan for it at Palm Springs Punishment. How does it feel to hold the top title in the company?
Cross Recoba: I feel vindicated. Like I said before tonight, I told everyone that my goal was to be the one to unseat Marty Donovan and here I stand with that title over my shoulder.
Kevin Valentine Jr.:Tonight though, you’re putting the belt on the line in a Ladder match. How confident are you that you’ll be the one to win the match and bring the belt back home?
Cross Recoba: Ladder matches are my speciality, it’s also likely the sanest match I’ll get from HardKore World for a defense! This company was built on Deathmatches and brutality. I saw Eron Hunter have to face off against The Sheik inside a cage, later on we’ve got WarGames going on and my opponent came out on top in a MIR match. So, I’ll take the ladder match any day of the week in comparison!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You mentioned your opponent, Tuxedo Mask. We’ve seen him fight in all kinds of brutal matches over the years in HardKore World. Won’t he have the edge tonight?
Cross Recoba: You know why I love ladder matches? It’s because they work on calculated risk and I’ve proven I’m the smartest wrestler in HKW! A cage match? You’re surrounded by a weapon and if your concentration slips? You’re going to be thrown, pushed and slammed right into an unforgiven steel structure. As for the rest? They’re just a race to the bottom. Who wants to shorten their career the most to try and get the win. Tuxedo Mask has spent his career betting more and more of his longevity on trying to get the win and it hasn’t paid off so far; what makes tonight any different? I’m younger than him, in better condition than him, and I can outthink and out-wrestle him!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You sound confident of the win. Any last words for the fans or your opponent before tonight’s main-event?
Cross Recoba: Tuxedo, do you think I’m happy that I have to watch MY title be winched twenty feet in the air? Do you think I’m going to give it up to someone who has never had a Tweet sent out announcing their own title win? I got that belt by being better prepared and better skilled than anyone I faced and you’re not going to be any different! You think that you’re the answer to how to beat Cross Recoba? You’re wrong! You’re just the message I send to anyone else who thinks they can take away MY championship!
Cross walks out of shot.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Recoba’s definitely amped up for tonight. Back to you at ringside!
The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore
Hardkore World takes you behind the scenes with our soon to be Emmy nominated show “The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore”Open on Hardkore Referee Richie Richardson backstage at The Acrisure Arena in Palm Springs during Palm Springs Punishment 2023. He flips his hair and then starts talking
Richie Richardson: Hi, my name is Richie…um, Anderson…
Cameraman: Richardson.
Richie Richardson: …that one! And besides being the rules shirt guy…
Cameraman: Referee.
Richie Richardson: (gives him a finger gun) …sure, I also handle catering.
Shot pans out to table with a singular party size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that’s open. Richie fusses with it, making sure it looks appealing. He tries to make it look difficult, by squinting and sighing. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. walks by and points at the camera
Jackie Valentine Jr.: Hey, who’s this?
Richie Richardson: It’s the reality show guy.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: How come I’m not shooting it?
Richie Richardson: I dunno. They probably want it in focus.
Jackie nods and then reaches into the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Richie Richardson: Hey, those are for Talent.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: (chews) I’m Talent.
Richie Richardson: No you're not.
Jackie Valentine Jr.: (reaches in for another Dorito) Yeah I am. I’m on this show ain’t I?
Jackie points at the camera
Richie Richardson: Oh yeah.
Richie reaches in and starts eating out of the bag with Jackie as they crunch in stupid silence. Alexander Von Blankenship walks by absolutely blood drenched from his match with The Sheik. Hasbulla stands next to him as Jackie and Richie look at him with shock. The drips blood of blood on the floor break the silence
Alexander Von Blankenship: What happened to the Arby’s?
Richie shakes his head in terrified confusion. Jackie has a fear of little people and is recoiling in slow motion from Hasbulla
Alexander Von Blankenship: The Arby’s? It’s in my rider that we have Arby’s. Comprende? Hello?
AVB shoves his hand in the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, getting his blood all over the bag and the chips inside. Hasbulla looks up at Jackie, and Jackie smiles and nods like a psycho. Von Blankenship eats a few Doritos, then puts the rest back inside
Alexander Von Blankenship: Where’s your uncle?
Richie points in a direction that has no connection to where Jonnie Valentine is, and AVB rolls his eyes and walks off. Hasbulla slaps Jackie in the nuts as he walks by, and Jackie drops to his knees. After a few seconds, Phil Blauer walks in to the shot
Phillip Blauer: Are these for Talent?
Richie panics and nods as Phil smiles. Phil reaches in to the bag and munches the gross Doritos
Phillip Blauer: What’s wrong with Jackie? Do crabs cause paralysis these days?
Phil chuckles and walks off with the bag of Doritos. Kilroy Evans walks in to the shot
Kilroy Evans: Did I miss the Doritos again?? Oh man!
Kilroy walks out of the shot dejectedly
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hot off the heels of Simon Cruise coming down to defend Moondog Dook, coming up is our next match between the grizzled veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen taking on the Hardkore newcomer.
Phillip Blauer: Normally I don’t care for Dirk van Thingamajig. But I honestly hope he cripples that piece of beach trash.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Seattle crowd lets out a loud pop as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk and his wife Mickie proved their love was strong enough to endure the advances of Steve Awesome at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, and then in Coachella he picked up a non-title win over Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling Heavyweight Champion The Hurricane. He was not happy about working a TV taping, concerned that he could get injured before tonight’s big match against Simon Cruise.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, but when I skip them to save my voice “I’m not a team player.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not a team player. Dirk says he respects Simon Cruise and has watched his matches from the back, but he warns him not to try anything with Mickie like Steve Awesome did.
Phillip Blauer: Not everyone is trying to steal your chick, chum. Your…(trails off) beautiful, supple…she’s just hypnotic…I know if I get too close to her fire I’ll get burned but…I just want to reach out to see if she’s even real…
Yolanda Ando: Ew. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Dirk van Thijmen takes off his wool coat and hands it to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. The ladies catcall at the Glorious Wolf’s rippling muscles
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The audience cheers while Mickie Fury applauds her husband
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s that?
Phillip Blauer: (fastening the chin straps) A helmet. My momma didn’t raise no fool. When I hear that infernal ukulele, I know it's helmet time.
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Earlier tonight, Simon Cruise decided he couldn’t take Tuxedo Mask picking on The Salford Squid and Moondog Dook, and came down to the ring to defend them. He’s on quite the win streak here in Hardkore World with a big win over Little Dragon on pay per view at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Tonight he takes on the veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen in what promises to be a classic.
Cruise’s surfboard barely misses Phil again as it goes up and Simon Cruise cartwheels over the announce table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Phillip Blauer: (points to his brain) Ha ha ha…see?
But the shortboard lands on their announce table, spilling Phil’s fondue kit onto his lap
Phillip Blauer: (screaming) AHHH!! The cheese!! It's burning my plums!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (cleaning up the desk of hot molten cheese) Dammit, Phil, you cannot bring that thing here anymore…
Phillip Blauer: (gasping) My plums…my beautiful plums…
Yolanda Ando: Gross guys, there is cheese everywhere…
Guillermo O’Bannon: (cleaning up the desk of hot molten cheese) I’m handling it, Yolanda!
Yolanda Ando: I’m gonna see if my agent can get me my job back at Aeropostale. Anyways, Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The crowd cheers wildly as Simon Cruise flashes a hang loose sign at them
Simon Cruise vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and Cruise flashes a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is not having any of Cruise’s laid back attitude, and fires off a series of rights that rocks him backwards.
Kelly O’Connell tries to call van Thijmen off, but Thijmen drives him into the ropes before he wraps him in a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen locks his hands together and clamps down on Cruise’s head with that headlock. He rakes Cruise’s eyes across the top rope, dragging his face across it.
The Seattle fans boo, and Kelly O’Connell admonishes van Thijmen. Mickie Fury complains that O’Connell is being too strict from ringside, as Dirk irish whips Cruise into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmwn drops back to deliver a European uppercut! Then another rocks Cruise, putting him down to one knee.
Thijmen smirks, posing mockingly to loud boos from the Key Arena before he drags him from the corner
Phillip Blauer: The Glorious Wolf teaching Cruise an important lesson on the dangers of smiling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk irish whips him but Simon Cruise reverses it and snaps van Thijmen towards the other corner!
The fans explode as Cruise nails a dropkick on the rebound to send Thijmen to the mat Cruise shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise delivers a few stomps before he hauls him to his feet. He delivers a few punches, and then drops back to deliver a spinning heel kick, but Thijmen steps aside, and sweeps his leg!
The Seattle audience boos, and Thijman hauls Simon Cruise back to his feet to deliver a few stiff forearms to his back. Cruise arches his back in pain while Mickie Fury yells “Harder!”
Phillip Blauer: Now I remember her…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen pulls him up into a front facelock and then twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Thijman curses at Kelly O’Connell, and pulls Cruise upwards to lock on a reverse chinlock. The crowd boos as Mickie Fury pounds the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen locks his hands together, clamping down on the jawline of Simon Cruise, trying to cut off his air. The veteran now flattening himself out to put more pressure on the back of Cruise’s neck.
Kelly O’Connell slips her hand between van Thijmen’s bicep and Cruise’s throat to make sure it’s not a chokehold. Mickie Fury continues to pound on the apron, but unwillingly gives the crowd a rhythm to clap to, to root Simon Cruise on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen wrenches the hold tighter but Simon Cruise starting to push upwards, and while these fans cheer him on! Cruise is now on his feet with van Thijmen still hanging on to that reverse chinlock! Finally, Cruise shoves himself backwards to slam Thijman into the corner!
The hold is broken, and Cruise fires off a kick but van Thijman catches it, laughing as he shakes his head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise steps up into an enzuigiri!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” and Cruise wastes no time to leap onto the ropes! He stands on the turnbuckle, posing
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that cute? When is he gonna get a haircut??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise comes down with a double stomp to van Thijmen’s back known as the Hang 10!!
The Key Arena explodes as Simon Cruise pretends to ride on van Thijmen’s back like a surfboard. He laughs and then rolls Dirk over into a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen gets a foot under the rope
Mickie Fury alerts Kelly O’Connell to Dirk’s foot being under the rope and she stops the count. The Pacific Northwest fans boo, and Cruise shakes his head as he gets to his feet
Phillip Blauer: Maybe if he wasn’t pretending to surf people, that would have been three. Maybe if he had gotten a real job, none of us would have to sit through this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is your problem…
Phillip Blauer: The man could have killed me!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise picks up Thijman and delivers a few elbows, battering him back before Thijman flares back to life to fire off a few quick elbows of his own!
The fans cheer at the brawl in the ring, and Dirk van Thijmen begins getting the better of Cruise and then irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise runs up the turnbuckles, turns around, and missile dropkicks Dirk van Thijmen in the groin!! Cruise Missile!
The crowd erupts, and Thijman is down, clutching at his balls while Mickie Fury complains to Kelly O’Connell about the low blow. Simon Cruise shrugs at O’Connell and climbs to the top turnbuckle again
Phillip Blauer: Kelly, disqualify this man! I know you can hear me!
Simon Cruise pretends he’s surfing on the top turnbuckle and pumps up the audience, getting them even louder, then somersaults into a senton bomb across Dirk van Thijmen’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wave Breaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE
The fans leap to their feet as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays. Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm, as he pats his heart towards the crowd
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes, 45 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise sending a message to Tuxedo Mask or anyone else that wants to pick on someone, that they won’t be doing that to any locker rooms he’s a part of.
Phillip Blauer: Why would anyone work here if they can’t pick on green as gooseshit newbies? It’s 90 percent of why anyone wrestles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Simon Cruise doesn’t like bullies.
Phillip Blauer: He’s gonna hate this job. (raises his eyebrow) And one day, I imagine, he’s going to dropkick the wrong guy in the dick.
Simon Cruise walks by ringside, slapping the hands of the people celebrating with him in the front row. Inside the ring, Mickie Fury helps her husband to his feet as he holds his back, and winces from the shot to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship match between Cross Recoba and Tuxedo Mask, and then the WarGames! Don’t go away!
Hardkore World takes you behind the scenes with our soon to be Emmy nominated show “The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore”
The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore
A single shot of Hardkore Jonnie Valentine sitting at a teacher’s desk in the front of a classroom at The Office in Palm Springs, California
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: You know, I’ve been wrestling since 1987, and I’ve always tried to allow Hardkore World to be not only a place where the greats can settle all umbrages, but also where the next generation of Hardkore wrestlers can learn from my treasure trove of real world experience in the rough and tumble world of professional wrestling.
Cut to Jonnie teaching a class to Scorpion, The Martian, Moondog Dook, The Hurricane, and Dana “The Drone” Daniels
Jonnie Valentine: All of you have done quite the job, creating your gimmicks. But The Goon was a gimmick. Phantasio was a gimmick. “Infamous” Onyx Breakker was a gimmick. What did these men lack that you won’t?
Dana “The Drone” Daniels: Bees.
The Martian: A basement apartment.
Scorpion: Bad knees.
The Hurricane: Wait a hurrisecond ... why am I here? Unlike any of these dudes, I actually succeeded in this business.
Jonnie Valentine: Dook? You had your hand up?
Moondog Dook is actually just smelling his armpit
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, I assumed you were going to say an ankle monitor. But the correct answer is a catch phrase! Catch phrases were once all you needed to fill a stadium, and with The Acclaimed and Adam Cole, it looks as though the people are ready for that day to return. So I want you to come up here and reach into this bag of catch phrases and let the universe decide the next Godfather. Marshawn?
The Martian: (points at himself) You…you mean me?
Jonnie Valentine: I honestly don’t care.
The Martian comes over and reaches his hand in, and pulls out a small piece of paper. He reads it and looks at Jonnie, unsure. Jonnie assures him to go ahead
The Martian: (sighs) “Shut your bitch ass up.”
Jonnie Valentine: No, no. Come on, like you’re interrupting Cross Recoba while he runs down the Hardkore fans.
The Martian: (only slightly louder) “Shut your bitch ass up.”
Jonnie Valentine: Nevermind, you’re hopeless. Sit down. Danielle.
Dana Daniels: Me, sir?
Jonnie’s silence tells Dana he should just get up there and pick a catch phrase. He gets up and reaches into the bag. He beams as he reads his
Dana Daniels: “What is up with that?”
Hurricane rolls his eyes and slouches in his chair and pulls his cape in front of his face.
Jonnie Valentine: Good. A little faster.
Dana Daniels: (encouraged) “What is up with that?”
Jonnie Valentine: Good enough. Sit down. Scorpio.
Scorpion gets up and reaches into the bag. He looks at it quizically, trying to sound it out in his head
Jonnie Valentine: Come on, I don’t have all day. I gotta do Ring Entrance 101 at in twenty minutes
Scorpion: (clears his throat) “Welcome to Pound Town, population: You.”
Jonnie Valentine: Actually, I’m going to use that one. Sit down.
Scorpion nods and sits back down at his desk. Jonnie turns to his side and Moondog Dook is sniffing Valentine
Jonnie Valentine: (screams) AHHH! What have I told you about smelling Management, Dook? With everything I’m coming down off of, I don’t need that kind of shock to the heart. Now here.
Jonnie holds the bag out in front of Dook
Jonnie Valentine: Pick a catch phrase.
Dook eyes get big and he violently starts eating the paper bag and the catchphrases in it.
Jonnie Valentine: Dook!! No! Bad Moondog!
Cut back to Jonnie’s interview in the empty classroom
Jonnie Valentine: It’s…it’s… it’s going as well as can be expected.
(The shot opens in the break room of the Hardkore World headquarters. The video and lighting quality indicates that this is a low budget, local commercial. Judy Valentine Junior sits at a table with a laptop and coffee in front of her. A print out of the Starbucks logo has been taped to the side of her foam cup.)
Judy: Thank heavens for this writers’ strike. Now I can turn all my old NCIS spec scripts into scab money!
(Phil Blauer, dressed in a checkerboard suit and carrying an electric drill, dances into frame.)
Phil: Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!
(Phil drills a band audition flyer right into the break room wall.)
Judy: Do you mind? I can’t focus on replacing outdated George Bush jokes with all that noise!
Phil: This rudie ain’t trying to be rude, mon. Our ska band lost another trombonist to Applebee’s. I need to find a replacement, launch pad turbo!
(Phil continues to drill flyers into the wall and Judy covers her ears.)
Judy: There has to be an easier way!
(Jackie Valentine Junior, dressed as a barista and looking absolutely terrified to be on the other side of the camera, walks into frame. He hangs up a “NO MASTURBATING WHILE ON THE CLOCK” sign with some thumbtacks. The others are amazed.)
Judy: Wow! What do you call those small, noiseless wonders?
(Jackie holds up the box. Printed on the back of each thumbtack is the scowling face of Marty Donovan.)
Jackie: Marty’s Little Pricks!
(The shot changes to a QVC style set where merchandise mastermind Jimmy Valentine Junior stands.)
Jimmy: Are you tired of trying to hang up signs with tape, chewed gum, or switchblades? Better call that Disney prick! Jimmy Valentine Junior here. Our newest product combines people’s hatred of Marty Donovan with the never ending war against gravity. Each thumbtack depicts a famous prickly moment from The Rising Sun’s career. We have Marty after he squandered his title shot against Syberus, when Kilroy beat him in the tuxedo match and when Natalie Burrows declined his invite to the Blackstreet concert. Show off your love of wrestling when hanging up those eviction notices. Call in the next five minutes to receive a special edition thumbtack depicting when Marty found out about this product!
(The shot changes back to the break room. The commercial shoot is wrapping up when Ollie Oldham pushes in a furious, wheelchair bound Marty Donovan.)
Marty: Turns out elephants aren’t the only ones that never forget, Judy! The Tutti Frutti employees all remember your little scheme and won’t validate our parking. Give me my 16 bucks now!
(Marty looks at the thumbtacks on the table and somehow grows even angrier.)
Marty: What the hell! You’re monetizing one of the most traumatic experiences of my life!
Judy: You get one percent of all sales though.
Marty: A measly one percent! Why should Johnnie sit back and get rich off the hard work of my little prick? This isn’t fair!
(Marty slams his fist down on the table, forgetting there are thumbtacks on it. He screams in pain. The image freezes and becomes an illustration on the back of a thumbtack. The number to call appears on the screen and then the shot fades out.)
Camera opens up on the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship hanging over the ring. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. has Jackie Valentine Jr. do a slow pull out to reveal multiple ladders set up underneath it. There are also standing ladders at various points at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship match. Cross Recoba makes his first title defense against Tuxedo Mask. Three months ago, these two wrestled to a double countout in San Francisco. Cross has railed against Hardkore World and what it stands for and now he gets one of the longest tenured wrestlers we’ve ever had. Tuxedo Mask gets his first Heavyweight title shot, after decades of dominating the Light Heavyweight division, now with a new attitude.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and half of the fans boo with some cheers mixed in. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer. He begins walking to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: No handsprings or flips down to the ring?
Phillip Blauer: Spoken like a guy who’s never done a backflip before. Those burn energy. This is Tuxedo Mask’s first Hardkore World title shot. He’s got to conserve every ounce of energy, then spring it on Cross like a wrestling cobra.
Guillermo O’Bannon: When have you ever done a backflip?
Phillip Blauer: I’ll do one right now. How long is this song?
Tuxedo Mask goes to shake hands with a young fan, then pulls his hand back to slick his hair instead
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. It’s kids like that that have rooted on Tuxedo Mask for decades and now he’s going to treat them like that? Tux says he has seen them come and go and is hardly impressed…Phil, what are you doing?
Phil has his hand on Guillermo’s shoulder while he tries to stand on his chair
Phillip Blauer: I’m showing you the best backflip this side of 1936 Bronze medalist high diver Hermann Stork. (shakes table) Wow, this table is sure rickety. Gonna need to get Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. to take a look at that. I’ll show you from that ladder right there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Knock yourself out. Literally.
Tuxedo Mask grabs a “Tux Sux” sign and rips it up and the jeers from the Seattle crowd get louder. Phil begins gingerly climbing a couple of the rungs on the ladder at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the first time for Tuxedo Mask in Seattle in 28 years. He wrestled in an elimination match back in 2005 for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship with "God’s Gift, Jeremiah Vastrix, Syberus, Carpenter, Devon Stevens, Reverend Gozo Shioda, "Minister" Marty Bower, R.C., and "The White Chapel Horror" Lucifer Jones…
A fan throws a perfect full soda cup at Phil while he’s standing a few rungs up on the ladder and it hits him right in the face. Soda splashes everywhere as Phil falls awkwardly to the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. rushes to Phil’s side as he’s sprawled out on the floor. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. goes over to check on him. Tuxedo Mask yells at Tommy Milligan to get out of the way, and then he slides under the bottom rope into the ring. Guillermo listens to his headset and calls Yolanda Ando over, and she sits down next to him. Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. sets her up with a headset
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize, fans. Phil has been struck by some kind of beverage. Carbonated in nature, and he is being tended to by our medical staff and Larry. We’ll try our best to soldier on, with our fashion reporter Yolanda Ando taking Phil’s place. Yolanda, as you can see Ri Eun-Ae did not accompany Tuxedo Mask to the ring, she has had some issue with his behavior as of late.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask, Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see that, Yolanda. Thank you. Tuxedo Mask says that he has had more ladder matches than Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba has had matches, what kind of advantage do you think that gives him?
Yolanda Ando: …Um, Tommy Milligan wears a black and white striped shirt and black pants. He has half a pack of Marlboro lights in his front shirt pocket and a flask in his back pocket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (to David Valentine Jr.) How’s Phil doing, guys?
Hardkore Doctor David Valentine Jr. is cradling Phil’s head. He gives Guillermo a thumbs up, but it causes him to drop Phil’s head back onto the concrete. David winces. Inside the ring, Tuxedo Mask stands on the second turnbuckle and soaks in both boos and cheers from the Pacific Northwest crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask defeated three time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans in a Mir Match at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 earning him this title match. He says he’s done making good TV with people and ready to start focusing on himself, by taking the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a match that has won him many belts.
The titles fade and Bugs Bunny appears inside of a wrestling ring on the screen.
Bugs Bunny: Eh, what’s up? You might be wondering what I’m doing here but I’ve always had-a fine affinity to wrestling. I took on the “De-Natured Boy” Ravishing Ronald and I know good champions and boy, Marty wasn’t one of them. Cross settled a score with Mickey for me. I haven’t forgotten about him ducking me in 1988! Want to know how the Tooniverse got the news? Let me replay it again for you.
Bugs walks over to the ring announcer and takes the microphone from him.
Bugs Bunny: Cross Recoba has beaten Marty Donovan! He's the best in HardKore World! He's the best in HardKore World! Cross Recoba has beaten Marty Donovan! It is unbelievable! Cross Recoba has beaten Disney! Disney - the home of giants.
Gaston.
Montgomery Burns.
Phil Dunphy.
Mr Cooper.
Cory Matthews.
Hughie, Dewey, and Louie.
Scrooge McDuck.
He's beaten them all!
Mickey Mouse, can you hear me?
Mickey Mouse, I have a message for your global domination campaign.
We have a message for you.
Cross has knocked Marty off his perch!
Mickey Mouse, as they say in your language in the boxing bars around Madison Square Garden in New York: "Your boys took a hell of a beating"!
Your boys took a hell of a beating!
Mickey Mouse. Cross has beaten Marty Donovan at Palm Springs Punishment!
He's the best in the world!
It's Cross Recoba one, Marty Donovan zip! What a fabulous night for wrestling!
The microphone ascends into the ceiling as the screen fades to black.
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Key Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Seattle fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is wrapped around his waist The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears the Hardkore fans have picked out of these two that they would prefer to cheer Tuxedo Mask. Do you think that’s because of his loyalty up until very recently to the West Coast?
Yolanda Ando: Just going off of vibe? I would say Tux is the guy that cheated on you a few months ago, but Cross is the guy that stole your rent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That actually makes a lot of sense. You could have a future in this!
Yolanda Ando: I know, right?
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience. Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Seattle crowd. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft. He takes a right at the ladder at ringside as Hardkore medic David Valentine and Larry Valentine Jr. load Phil Blauer on a stretcher.
Yolanda Ando: What’s with the deal with the cane? Is there going to be a parade behind him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba feels Hardkore World should be grateful that he is their new champion. That he is the first new person to hold the Hardkore World Championship that wasn’t on the roster 15 years ago. But he says they are afraid of anything different than they’ve gotten from Hardkore World, but he is here to bring a whole new set of eyes on the West Coast wrestling scene.
Yolanda Ando: Good, I tell my friends when I’m on, and most of them can’t even get this channel.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross claims he had Tux beat in San Francisco back in February, and that had it not been for Anthony Jordan’s distracting him, it would have been another win on his record. Tonight, he can prove it by beating him in Tuxedo Mask’s specialty match.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. David Valentine and Larry Valentine push Phil Blauer on the stretcher back to the locker room with the fans throwing garbage at him as he is wheeled by them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our best to Phil Blauer, we wish him a lengthy recovery.
Yolanda Ando: Really, take as long as you need.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Cross says he is a master of ladder matches himself, and scoffs at Tux having any advantage over him. We shall see.
The lights go out at the Key Arena and the fans cheer as a single spotlight hits Hardkore Ring Announcer Greg Jin
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the following is a ladder match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of Dave Meltzer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Some fans boo, but the rest cheer for Tuxedo Mask as he waves them on to cheer louder
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Man Worth A Thousand Bullets, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling, The HCW Diamond Champion, and The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The audience jeers and Cross holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt over his head
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Ladder Match
Cross Recoba vs. Tuxedo Mask
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Tuxedo Mask pretends to hold the Hardkore World Heavyweight title over his head like Cross did, and then rolls his eyes
Yolanda Ando: Heh, I guess it is kind of funny. A man with a belt?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba goes to lock up, but Tuxedo Mask drops to his back and rolls out of the ring.
Tommy Milligan demands Tuxedo Mask return to the ring, and starts counting, while Tux yawns and walks around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Tuxedo Mask slowing this match down. Cross tries to play it cool, but I imagine he’s been visualizing this title defense all month, and Tux would do well to try and rattle him early.
Tuxedo Mask strolls around ringside, taking his time. Some fans start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” so he rolls back into the ring and yells at Tommy Milligan to tell them to stop
Yolanda Ando: I’m not really sure who to go for in this match, they both seem to be pretty arrogant sociopaths.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m gonna see if we could maybe get you on the desk more often.
Cross yells at Tux to be a man and fight, so Tuxedo Mask mocks him and pretends to put up his dukes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs at Tuxedo Mask and takes a swing, but Tuxedo Mask ducks and dives through the ropes to the floor below.
Yolanda Ando: Is he just gonna keep doing that?
The Seattle fans boo as Tuxedo Mask chuckles and takes another stroll at ringside. He gets close to an enraged fan, and lets him cuss him out, with his hand cupped to his ear
Yolanda Ando: He really squandered all that goodwill, just to become this new obnoxious person.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask steps back on the apron, but makes Cross Recoba give him some space.
Tuxedo Mask: “Back em off, Tommy!”
The audience jeers as Cross Recoba begrudgingly walks backward as Tommy Milligian lightly backs him off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba fakes Milligan out and grabs the top rope, catapulting Tuxedo Mask into the ring!
Tuxedo Mask holds his back in pain, then rolls out of the ring. Cross Recoba throws his hands up in frustration and demands Tommy Milligan do something about it, but Tommy shrugs
Yolanda Ando: Oh no, he’s coming over here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (at an approaching Tux) What are you doing??
Tuxedo Mask: (ignores Guillermo) “Hey. You gotta sec?”
Yolanda Ando: You’re in the middle of the match. Stop.
Tuxedo Mask: “What, this? (points to the ring) I got this guy right where I want him. I wanted to see if you wanted to go see a show after this?”
Yolanda Ando: I told you, that was a mistake back then, and I am not going to repeat it.
Tuxedo Mask: “It would be a mistake to deny the pure chemistry we-...”
Cross Recoba dives through the ropes, through the standing ladder at ringside and grabs Tuxedo Mask with a diving headscissors on the floor that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tired of playing this game and caught the cavalier Tuxedo Mask with that headscissors!!
Yolanda Ando: (to Tux) But…text me later?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yolanda!
Yolanda Ando: Look, dating is hard.
Tuxedo Mask gives Yolanda a thumbs up as he winces on the floor. Cross Recoba pulls him up by the hair and whacks him with a knife edge chop you can hear through The Key Arena and the audience lets out an “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cracks him with another knife edge chop that backs Tux into the railing! He hooks him up, pops his hips and snap suplexes Tuxedo Mask on the hard concrete!
Tuxedo Mask sits up in pain as the audience boos. Recoba pulls him up and smacks him with another stiff chop that gets another “OH!”
Yolanda Ando: Now Tux knows what it’s like when someone leaves a handprint on you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ducks the next one and atomic drops Cross Recoba on the railing!
The Seattle fans cheer as Cross’ eyes cross in that uncomfortable perch. Tux backs Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. out of his way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux running kangaroo kicks Cross Recoba into the front row of the audience!!
The fans chant “Fuck You Cross! Fuck You Cross! Fuck You Cross!” from a safe distance as Cross lies across some seats and somebody’s wife’s lap
Yolanda Ando: It is just the worst coming to one of these things…
Tuxedo Mask jumps on to the announce table, steps on Guillermo’s shoulder, and then vaults off of him to catch a rising Cross Recoba with a plancha that knocks him into a row of emptied chairs in the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Couldn’t agree more.
The Key Arena does a dueling chant of ““TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross!”
Yolanda Ando: This audience just likes to see these two hurt one another?
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s really no bad result here.
Yolanda Ando: It’s kinda fun when you think about it like that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know, right?
Yolanda claps and in the third row of the crowd, Tuxedo Mask pulls Cross up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Cross comes up swinging with a european uppercut. Another one rocks Tuxedo Mask in the jawline.
Yolanda Ando: Another one rocks Tuxedo Mask in his somehow both masculine and feminine jawline.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You ok?
Yolanda Ando: What? I mean, sure.
Cross Recoba chops him with another knife edge to the chest. Another hard chop smacks Tuxedo Mask in the pectoral
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask fires back with a punch to the nose…that has very little effect.
Cross just stares at him in anger, and Tux nervously apologizes and backs away as the crowd cheers his predicament
Yolanda Ando: He looked the exact same when I caught him at the Palm Springs Marriott with Yuku Shiro.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba strikes Tuxedo Mask with a european uppercut he did not see coming.
Tuxedo Mask drops to his knees in the 5th row, and Cross tells Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. to back the booing fans off to give him some room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and bowls over a kneeling Tux with a european uppercut!
The Key Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the awkward way Tuxedo Mask landed out in the crowd. Then they start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips him, but Tux slides through the legs of a rather overweight fan in the eighth row.
Cross tries to follow Tux, but the big man in the Little Dragon shirt goes left when Cross tries to pass him. The fan panics and goes left just as Recoba goes left. Cross gets frustrated and tosses the fan to the floor
Yolanda Ando: Hey!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just despicable. Cross looks up from the commotion of pushing that fan to the ground, and sees Tuxedo Mask flip off the first bowl of The Key Arena onto him!!
The Seattle crowd roars as Tuxedo Mask and Cross Recoba lie out amongst the scattered chairs of the eleventh row
Yolanda Ando: I took a picture with that guy at the meet and greet. He was nice! He has 5 turtles he named after The Anointed! Marty Donatello loves tomatoes and his sunning rock!
Guillermo O’Bannon: So does the real one.
Tuxedo Mask pulls Cross up by the hair and starts leading him back to the front row. He pulls him down into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask lifts Cross up into a reverse suplex and drops his stomach on the guard rail!!
Cross Recoba flops back into the front row of the crowd, while Tuxedo Mask grabs a chair from a fan. Tux steps over the railing, and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault with that chair, smashing Cross Recoba in the face out in the front row!!
The Key Arena roars and both men try to collect themselves amongst the beer cups and nacho boxes
Yolanda Ando: God, our fans really don’t pick up after themselves do they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They treat it like it’s their home.
Tuxedo Mask climbs over the railing, into the ringside area. He rolls into the ring, and lays there for a bit to recover. Cross climbs over the guard rail, and Tux hits the ropes and flips into a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
Tux stands up to take a bow and the audience boos him, and starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is back in the ring and hits the ropes again. He baseball slides under the bottom rope and catches Cross with a helicopter huracanarana, but Cross catches him by the arms and lifts him up into a crucifix into a neckbreaker!!
The Seattle fans boo as Cross rolls Tuxedo Mask onto the apron and then climbs up there with him. They both stand on the apron, and Cross grabs him front facelock and sitout DDTs him on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Staten Island Drop!! Cross Recoba rolls Tux back in the ring finally, and then slingshots himself over the ropes into an elbow drop.
Cross Recoba irish whips Tuxedo Mask into the ropes and hits him right on the button with a dropkick. He picks up the ladder in the ring and leans it against the corner as the audience buzzes with anticipation of the ladders getting introduced
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba irish whips Tux into the ladder against the turnbuckles!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, but doesn’t even get time to suffer before Cross runs in with a knee to his chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowhere to go but hurt! Recoba runs up the ropes to whack Tux in the ear with an enzuigiri!
Cross steps through the ropes and grabs Tuxedo Mask by the hair. Tux drops into a split and punches Recoba in the balls
Guillermo O’Bannon: Desperation move there by Tux, but effective.
Cross Recoba goes down to one knee, and Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Cross to turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits a somersault huracanrana from the top turnbuckle to the floor!!
The fans cheer as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. catches Recoba looking dazed on the Key Arena floor. Tux pulls himself up by the desk and notices Yolanda
Tuxedo Mask: “Wow, I gotta tell you Yoli, you’re like a fine wine. The more of you I drink in, the better I feel.”
Yolanda Ando: (blushes) Aw, stop. Not really.
Tuxedo Mask: “No, I’m serious. You’ve got everything I’ve been searching for, and believe me—I’ve been looking a long time.”
Yolanda Ando: Wait. You said that exact same thing at the Irish Rage afterparty in Belfast.
Tuxedo Mask: “I did?”
Yolanda Ando: Yes, jerk.
Yolanda slaps Tux and the fans cheer wildly. She picks up Guillermo’s large fast food cup of “Sprite”
Guillermo O’Bannon: No!!
Yolanda throws the drink in Tux’s face, popping the crowd. Tux covers his eyes, screaming
Tuxedo Mask: “It burns!! What was in that??”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sprite?
Cross Recoba grabs Tuxedo Mask from behind and release german suplexes him on the concrete!! The Seattle crowd chants “YOLANDA!! YOLANDA!! YOLANDA!!”
Yolanda Ando: (waves to the crowd) I’m still gonna let him use my Netflix password.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know.
Cross Recoba rolls Tuxedo Mask into the ring and follows him in. He pulls down one of the ladders and lays it on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba scoops Tux up and bodyslams him on that steel ladder! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and then dives off with a flying elbow to Tux’s chest while he’s lying on that ladder!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!” and Tux rolls to his side, clutching his chest. Cross Recoba sets up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and begins climbing up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we go, Cross Recoba climbing up to grab his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Yolanda Ando: I was wondering why that thing was hanging over the ring, but I was too embarrassed to ask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux climbing up the same side, and pokes his head under Recoba’s legs to stop him.
Yolanda Ando: Looks like he’s going to give him a piggyback ride.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead, Cross Recoba reverse huracanranas him off the ladder!!
The audience boos Cross as he lays there, with a slight smile on his face. He knocks down one of the ladders onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross grabs him by the hair and sits out into a facebuster on the ladder!!
The sound of Tux’s face hitting the ladder rings through the Key Arena. Tuxedo Mask clutches his face, and kicks his toes into the mat. Cross Recoba picks up one of the ladders and lays it across the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pulls him up into a DDT, but Tuxedo Mask lifts him up into a fireman’s carry, and F5’s his face into the ladder on the top turnbuckle!!
The Seattle fans pop and Recova stumbles around, holding his face. Tuxedo Mask irish whips him into the corner with the ladder leaning against it! Recoba holds the back of his head where it whipped into one of the rungs and looks stunned
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba staggers out of the corner and Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear!
Tuxedo Mask fireman’s carries Recoba up on his shoulders again and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He turns around and grabs one of the ladders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask taking too long with that ladder, so Cross stands on the second turnbuckle and hops onto the middle of the top rope and turnaround dropkicks the ladder into Tux’s face!!
The rattle of the ladder rings through the Key Arena and both men lie on the mat, exhausted. The audience fills in the gap with the dueling chant of “TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross! TUX SUX! Fuck You Cross!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba lifts Tux up into a side waistlock and then drops him into a side slam on the ladder, with an elbow on the way down as a little cherry on top.
Yolanda Ando: Who would want that cherry?
Cross Recoba tries to follow it up with an elbow drop, but Tux rolls out of the way and Recoba’s elbow hits nothing but ladder. Tux gets up and drags him into the corner, and then takes a ladder and sticks it between the second and bottom rope, bridging it across Recoba’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask backs up and cartwheels into a handspring into a basement dropkick to that ladder into Recoba’s face!!
The Key Arena rocks with an “OH!” Tuxedo Mask steps through ropes into the second ring
Yolanda Ando: Can he do that? I mean, they’re using ladders as weapons, so I guess.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux gets a running start in the other ring, jumps onto the middle of the top rop and leaps off into a springboard dragon rana in this ring!!
Tuxedo Mask sets up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Yolanda Ando: He wins now, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, no, he has to still grab it.
Yolanda Ando: Seems fairly simple.
Tuxedo Mask starts climbing up the ladder, but Cross Recoba climbs up behind him. He tucks his head underneath Tux’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives Tuxedo Mask his own Tuxplex ‘99 saito suplex off the ladder!!
The fans can’t believe the match their seeing, and give both men a round of applause. Cross grabs him in a ¾ nelson and then runs up the ladder rungs and backflips into a sit out shirunai
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sicilian Typewriter!!
Yolanda Ando: That sounds like a real page turning book.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It does, actually. Recoba pulls Tuxedo Mask up into a front facelock, and then rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker.
Cross Recoba pulls Tuxedo Mask up by the hair and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below. Tux smacks the railing on the way down. Cross leans one of the ladders against the ropes. He runs into the ropes, runs up the leaning ladder and missile dropkicks Tuxedo Mask on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Million Lira Dropkick with some help from that ladder!!
The Seattle crowd can’t believe what they saw. Cross lies there, exhausted, next to Tuxedo Mask. Recoba rolls to his side, trying to catch his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rolls into the ring and sets up a ladder underneath the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Tuxedo Mask desperately climbing to the apron.
Cross Recoba scales the ladder, while Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself to the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask catches Cross Recoba with a springboard tornado DDT that takes him off the ladder to the canvas below!!
Both men lie prone on the mat, drenched in sweat, sprawled out in fatigue
Yolanda Ando: This is an amazing match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I concur wholeheartedly. Tuxedo Mask picks up a ladder and violently spikes it on Cross's head and body!!
The clank of the ladder hitting Recoba’s skull rings through the Key Arena getting a loud “OH!!” from the crowd. Tuxedo Mask climbs up the ladder
Yolanda Ando: He’s all the way at the top!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask jumps from the top of the ladder with a 610 degree stardust press but Cross rolls out of the way and Tux just hits steel ladder!!
A sympathetic groan from the audience as Tux rolls around in agony. Cross Recoba crawls to the side of the ring and pulls himself up by the ropes. He scoops Tuxedo Mask up and then twirls into a jumping spinning tombstone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up All Night In Dakota!!
Tuxedo Mask rolls over, dazed. Cross Recoba begins climbing the ladder under the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship while the fans boo
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba climbing up the ladder towards that belt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He grabs onto it and pulls it down, and we have our winner!!
The bell rings and the Seattle fans jeer loudly. Cross Recoba stays on top of the ladder with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship lofted over his head as “My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays through the Key Arena
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 37 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba successfully defends his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a hellacious ladder match with Tuxedo Mask.
Yolanda Ando: I’m happy Tux lost, but sad that Cross won. I’m not sure how to feel.
Cross Recoba finally steps down from the ladder and straps the belt around his waist while he flicks his hair back. Tuxedo Mask rolls to the outside of the ring. Inside the ring, Tommy Milligan hands Cross the HCW Diamond Championship as well, which he slings over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure the audience at home feels the same way, but this was Cross Recoba’s warning shot to the rest of the West Coast that he is in for a long reign as Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
The Key Arena boos as Cross gives them an obnoxious bow while covered in championship belts and gold
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was an absolutely mind blowing match, but Tuxedo Mask took one gamble too many and it allowed Cross Recoba to retain his title.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his crew of Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. clear a path through the angry fans trying to get at Cross Recoba as he walks back to the locker room. He smiles at them and occasionally has to smack away one of their hands with his cane to get by
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba having to almost fight his way back to the dressing room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You never want to see this. Fans, please never put your hands on a professional wrestler.
Cross Recoba finally gets through the throng of fuming fans and stands at the top of the ramp. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sends a message to the Hardkore World roster about what kind of champion he is. But coming up fans, is the big WarGames match between The Anointed against Kilroy Evans, The Sheik, Kalmin Watts, and Little Dragon. We’ll be right back!
The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. sits backstage, staring stoically at the camera
Carl Valentine Jr.: A lot of people think being a timekeeper is just sitting at ringside and timing the matches.
…
Cameraman: Oh, you’re done?
Carl nods
Cut to Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Simon Cruise gives Little Dragon a superplex but the camera is on Carl Valentine Jr. at the timekeeper’s table with Hardkore Ring Announcer Greg Jin. Simon Cruise rolls his hips into a second snap suplex and then rolls him back up and then hooks his leg and drops him into a small package driver. Referee Richie Richardson counts to three and signals for Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell. He nods and pulls the chain, clanging the bell several times. Greg leans over and Carl whispers the time of the match into his ear. Greg nods and announces
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The fans roar and the camera pushes in on Carl, who looks sad and forlorn. The shot cuts back to present day, backstage
Carl Valentine Jr.: Does it bother me that everyone cheers for Greg? No, not really. My family’s been in this business since the 50s, so I’m just happy to be part of it. I mean, does Greg really know how long the match was without me telling him? No. Does that make him a fraud? I guess so? It’s not my place to decide that, but I guess it’s pretty obvious that he’s a horrible person who steals dreams and is a total phony and doesn’t ever ask how I’m doing on Resident Evil. Like ever.
Cuts out
The parking lot of the Key Arena, a line of fans wrapped around the building. A black SUV pulls into the lot and parks sideways. The fans all clammer about, trying to see who is inside, when through the sun roof of the vehicle the tiny head of Hasbulla pops out.
A slight cheer comes from the crowd as Habi waves to them, before turning his head around and letting out a high pitched whistle, and waving his little hand off towards something in the distance.
Suddenly a car's honking horn can be heard, getting louder with each passing second before it comes into view. It's a brightly blue painted jeep, with a huge can of Saintly Hard Seltzer on the top of it. The closer the vehicle gets it comes into view that it is being driven by none other than the Blessed One, Alexander Von Blankenship, himself. He Tokyo Drifts the vehicle into the parking lot, sliding in just behind the limo as he grabs a P.A. system mic from the console of the vehicle.
Who wants to be blessed with some Saintly?
The crowd cheers.
AVB smirks as he pushes a button and a powerful stream of liquid shoots from the side of the vehicle, knocking a small group of people to the ground.
Take that you freeloaders. Nothing is free for you peasants. You want to boo me? You want to cheer the Shiek? You people deserve nothing.
AVB hits another button, and a poof of smoke shoots out to the wet fans on the ground, covering them in baby powder.
You're lucky all you got is a little water and powder. You all deserve to be tar and feathered. I am the chosen one, yet you still cheer for a mumble mouthed low life heretic? You don't deserve to be Saintly. None of you.
Hasbullas high pitched giggle echoes from the roof of the SUV before "You suck" chants break out in the crowd.
Oh you all think I suck? Remember that tonight when the blood of the Shiek is on all of your hands.
The "You Suck" chants get louder. AVB looks at Hasbulla and shrugs.
But then again, why wait for his blood to be in your hands tonight, when it can be all over you right now,huh?
The Blessed One pulls a lever inside of the vehicle causing the Saintly can to spew out a red liquid all over the crowd of people, soaking them all in what appears to be sticky liquid.
See you tonight Shieky! Hahahahahahaha!
AVB peels out, burning his tires as he exits. Hasbulla points and laughs at the crowd as the SUV speeds off.
Phillip Blauer: Phil Blauer here to talk to you about a common problem among men. There’s many names for it. Bashful bladder, pee shy, constapeeted, the list goes on and on. I too suffer from this affliction, medically known as public piss syndrome. Or PPS. But learn how to live with this disease with my helpful seminar available for 10 easy payments of $33. First, I offer several ways to avoid the experience entirely.
Technique #1: Neutralize the Threat
Phil drags the trash can over to the door and jams it under the doorknob. He peacefully urinates as you hear people struggle fruitlessly trying to open it
Technique #2: Confront the Problem Head On
Phil walks next to a man peeing in a urinal and stands next to him as if to pee, but he just stares at the man
Phillip Blauer: I AM NOT…AFRAID!
Man: Hey buddy, calm down…
Phillip Blauer: I WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE…BY YOU!!
Man: Are…are you OK?
Phillip Blauer: (sobs) Please…help me… I just want to feel safe…
Technique #3: Scorched Earth
Three men are peeing in urinals when suddenly Phil comes in with a tank of kerosene, pouring it over the walls, sinks, and bathroom stalls
Guy: What are you doing??
Another Guy: Are you insane?
Phil strikes a match and lights it, and fire starts consuming the bathroom
Guy: Let’s get out of here.
They run out of the men’s room. Phil sighs with relief, and then begins peeing in the urinal with in a fully engulfed bathroom. He turns to the camera
Phillip Blauer: So stop watching the men’s room door to see when everyone leaves whenever you have to “pay the old water bill”. Order my DVD, “Living with PPS with Phil Blauer”
The firemen run in to the bathroom
Fireman: Sir! You have to evacuate!!
Phil Blauer: GREAT! Now it stopped again!
Fade up on Hardkore ring crew lead by Donnie Valentine Jr. putting the finishing touches on the classic Hardkore WarGames double cage surrounding both rings with no roof
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s time for our first Wargames match in almost 14 years when in Las Vegas in June of 2009, The Manhattan Project; with “The Punisher” Dan Stein, Kilroy Evans, Dougie Ray Bullet, Poke the Clown, and Cecil Kennedy defeated The Untouchable Highlights of Humanity which consisted of "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Ken Shiro, Requiem, the late Legacy, and Aaron Rupp. Now it’s 2023, and the wrestlers that truly love Hardkore World have banded together to try and rid Hardkore World of The Anointed.
Yolanda Ando: I gotta be honest. I’m pretty sick of The Anointed always cheating the paying public out of clean finishes and I hope…
Phil Blauer makes his way to the announce team, wearing a new green jacket with his formerly white suit, now covered in soda stains with wet beer on the pants with a hot dog wrapper stuck to the back of his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! You’re back?
Phillip Blauer: It was the damndest thing, Guillermo, I was fading in and out of consciousness while Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. performed CPR and Hardkore Stick Man Kevin Valentine Jr. went through my pockets. I started going to the light when I heard this voice. It was Hardkore Jonnie Valentine saying some woman was doing well enough for them not to need me anymore. So I made a few deals to come back, which reminds me, you probably gotta go to hell, buddy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Woah…you’ve never said my name before. Are you sure you're OK?
Yolanda Ando: Jonnie said that? Did he know my name?
Phillip Blauer: I doubt it.
Yolanda Ando: Phil, that was a nasty fall you took. You should be at a hospital.
Phillip Blauer: And let you Renee Paquette me out a job? Hit the bricks, sister!
Yolanda Ando rolls her eyes and takes off her headset. She gets out of her chair and hands it to Phil who swiftly takes it from her hand. Yolanda walks back to her spot at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Where did you get that green jacket?
Phillip Blauer: Greg Jin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His favorite jacket?? It looks expensive.
Phillip Blauer: I know. He’s gotta be making more than me.
Yolanda Ando: Has to be.
Phillip Blauer: I’m keeping it.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the Seattle fans roar as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches. Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the cheers of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the first member, Little Dragon. He says that by attacking him in Coachella, it shows just how scared they are of him and his teammates.
Phillip Blauer: The only thing that scares The Anointed is the hotel we put them up at in Bellevue.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s in the Seattle area…
Phil looks incredulous
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s in the Greater Seattle area.
Yolanda Ando: Back here at ringside, Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Phillip Blauer: (looks suspiciously at the mic on his headset) Is this foundation make up on my mic?
Yolanda Ando: That’s from you.
Phillip Blauer: Well, I’ll be dogged. It is!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Key Arena lets out a huge pop as Kalmin Watts, wearing his WUK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has been spilling blood with “High Roller” Wesley Crane across the pond in Wrestle UK and looks forward to get him and his cronies in the double cage tonight. While Watts bonded with his teammates after Coachella, his manager Anthony Jordan went to his old boss, Timmy for some advice on tonight’s match.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if I could work for a Timmy.
Yolanda Ando: You work for a Jonnie?
Phillip Blauer: That’s a much more dignified name. Jonnies are old mobsters that get whacked at a steakhouse and die with a cigar in their teeth.
Yolanda Ando: Ok? Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts got into some rough stuff when he was out drinking with his teammates, so he knows he can count on them in a fight.
Phillip Blauer: I’d bet the house that Little Dragon drove everyone home.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the fans cheer. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Portland, The Sheik had Marty Donovan’s Hardkore World title reign in jeopardy when Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome interfered and saved Marty from losing. He defeated AVB in that brutal Stairway to Heaven Match at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. Then in Coachella, The Anointed tried to gang up on him when Kilroy Evans came down and said enough was enough. Now the two former rivals have joined forces to try and end the stranglehold that The Anointed have on Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: They don’t want to end the stranglehold The Anointed have on the commentary, do they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Phillip Blauer: Phew.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik probably isn’t going to go out for drinks with Kilroy, Kalmin, and Little Dragon…
Phillip Blauer: Evidenced by the fact that he didn’t go out for drinks with Kilroy, Kalmin, and Little Dragon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But after the LA Freeway match he had with Kilroy at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he can be sure that he won’t fold when the chips are down.
"Greenhorn Forest" by GaMetal plays and Kilroy gets the loudest pop of the night! Kilroy walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, slapping hands and getting hugs from longtime fans. Kilroy helps a fan take a picture by holding the phone and then handing it back to him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy was here in Seattle was 11 years ago back in 2012 when he successfully defended his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over James Fierce. 5 years earlier in 2007, he defeated Poke the Clown in a dog collar match to win custody of Sarah, a little girl Poke was terrifying in his promos.
Phillip Blauer: She would have been better off with the evil clown. The man starts fires!
Guillermo O’Bannon: His first match in this building was 17 years ago, in 2005, he lost to the late Lonewolf Eric McNeely, but tonight, he plans on a big win over a stable that has outnumbered him and harassed him for nearly a year. And to do it, he got the three people he could trust to try and eradicate The Anointed.
Kilroy gets to ringside and nods to his teammates, giving an extra solemn nod to The Sheik, who barely returns it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy feels he’s been easy on The Anointed, and hasn’t turned on his violent side like his famous feuds with Death Gojira, Matthew X, Rated X and Poke the Clown. But tonight, he will oblige them to help the young talent rid The Anointed and allow them an opportunity.
Greg Jin: (without his usual green jacket on) “Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to WarGames! The match starts off with two men for five minutes, and then one from each team comes in every two minutes after that, until all eight men are inside the cage and then it becomes The Match Beyond. Only then can the match end by submission or surrender. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!! His partner is accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!! Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!! And from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
Little Dragon nods at the crowd’s reaction while Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully
“In The Meantime” by Spacehog plays and the Key Arena rocks with boos. The Anointed step out through the smoke in slow motion dressed as The Guardians of the Galaxy in the multicolored space suits. Marty Donovan as Starlord, Hasbulla is Rocket
Guillermo O’Bannon: (throws his pencil over his shoulder) For fuck’s sake…
Phillip Blauer: What are you talking about? This is amazing! Imagine if other super groups had done this? Could you imagine if the Four Horsemen had thought of this? Walking down to the ring in satin jackets that said “Short Circuit” on the back?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why wouldn’t they say War Games?
Phillip Blauer: Just picture it! The Heenan Family coming down to the ring for the Survivor Series dressed as the characters from Three Men In A Baby.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So Rick Rude…
Phillip Blauer: Would obviously be Tom Selleck, and Bundy is the baby, come on.
With a cocky smirk on his smug face, Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, while Wrestle UK World Heavyweight Champion, Hardkore West Coast Champion, and Hardkore World Tag Team Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane looks at everyone in the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein getting work done on his elbow so he did not make the trip out to Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, rest easy big guy!
Alexander Von Blankenship mouths the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Marty Donovan has a slight limp as he walks to the ring, waving to the booing fans
Phillip Blauer: Doctors warned Marty that he is in no shape to compete, but he is nothing if not a gamer and is pressing on in this horribly violent match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right, Marty suffered a knee injury in that match with Cross Recoba…
Phillip Blauer: His knee? No, I’m talking about his therapist. He is far too depressed from the loss of his Hardkore World Championship. A loss, caused by, let’s be honest, dumb luck. Imagine knowing God hates you that much? The man can’t be expected to compete in this condition.
Steve Awesome walks down to the ring with AVB, who points to random fans, letting them know he’s better than them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed destroyed The Society of the New Breed, they out lasted The Oracles of Suffering. They are clearly the top and only group in Hardkore World. They say tonight will be their coronation.
Phillip Blauer: If they held more coronations in steel cages I would probably watch them.
Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the fans. Steve Awesome provocatively slips off his Guardians jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed aren’t going to pretend they hang out after hours. They don’t go to dive bars like Watts, Kilroy and Dragon and drink domestic and catch HPV from the bar stools. What they do together is win championships. What they do together is destroy any opposition hastily thrown together against them like this.
Once he’s near the cage, Wesley Crane holds his arms wide open. AVB walks up to the cage, and gives the ring the sign of the cross blessing before climbing looking towards the crowd and yelling "Always Very Blessed"
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein getting work done on his elbow so he did not make the trip out to Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, rest easy big guy!
Yolanda Ando stands by while the Guardians of the Galaxy take off their jumpsuits. She stares at the camera awkwardly as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. took her shot too early. She just nods as her lower third graphic says “Yolanta Anto” underneath her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Um, standing by is Yolanda Ando. With our Hardkore Fashion Report!
Marty has his knee brace caught on his jumpsuit so he can’t get his off. Yolanda continues to wait
Phillip Blauer: Take it away, girl! No, that’s not her name…
Yolanda Ando: Thank you, guys! Steve Awesome is wearing neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to hbk. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He wears black kneepads with the logo on each knee, and black and green boots. His wristbands are black with green trim. Alexander Von Blankenship is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants. He’s shirtless, and his hands are taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Marty Donovan finally pulls his Guardians jumpsuit off his leg, exhausted.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan is wearing a blue and maroon speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kickpads with the signature Disney D on the knees. He has a tattoo of the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled on his heart.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; The Only One That Matters. Prettiest Player in the Game…’FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!! His partner is from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is That Lucky Bastard, Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! From The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION and The WRESTLE: UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are THE ANOINTED!!!”
The boos are deafening for The Anointed, who seem to revel in it. Marty Donovan confers with his team while on the other side of the double cage, while Kilroy appears to volunteer to go first on his side
Wargames Match
The Anointed vs. Kilroy Evans, The Sheik, Kalmin Watts, and Little Dragon
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and The WarGames has begun! Kilroy Evans tries to enter the cage, but The Sheik pushes past him and forces his way into the cage!
The Seattle crowd roars as a determined Sheik crosses the ropes into the second Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling's ring. Marty Donovan motions for anyone else but him to start off, while they all seem a little hesitant
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears The Anointed are still a little unsure of who they want starting off for them, with Marty
Phillip Blauer: Sometimes it’s just a case of two many deep thinkers in one group. Someone’s gotta be The Ringo. But who? Who will be The Ringo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Marty by the hair and pulls him into the WarGames!
The audience is on their feet, the air is electric as The Sheik batters Marty Donovan around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bouncing Marty Donovan around the ring like a rag doll!
The Sheik pushes Marty Donovan into the corner and pushes his face into the turnbuckle. Donovan drops to his knees into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: That turnbuckle is stained with the blood of gym teachers who spent their life savings on wrestling training.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik stomps the back of Marty’s head! He has not forgotten their match in Portland.
Phillip Blauer: We all have to move on some time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips Donovan into the ropes and hits the opposite ropes, then catches Donovan with a slingblade clothesline!
The fans cheer as Malcolm Xavier Graves taps on the cage with his cane. The Sheik stomps him, and then grabs a front facelock. He tightens up on his locked hands, flattening out his body on top of Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik wrenching Donovan’s head from side to side in that front facelock. He leans back on his head and neck, not allowing him to get any new air.
Marty works his way up to his feet with Sheik still hanging on to the front facelock. The Sheik backs him into the corner, and then slugs Donovan. He then irish whips Marty chestfirst into the opposite corner so hard, the top turnbuckle falls off
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if that ring is going to make it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bounces off the ropes for another slingblade, but this time Marty is ready with a basement dropkick to his knees!!
The audience jeers as The Sheik lies on the mat, holding both his knees. Marty runs up to the turnbuckles, but has to gingerly climb them
Phillip Blauer: The ropes on that ring are looser than Kilroy’s sweatpants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty takes too long and The Sheik catches him with a punch while he’s still perched on the top turnbuckle. He hops on the second rope, and then hops up into a huracanrana off the top rope!!
The Seattle crowd cheers as Marty sits up in pain. Kilroy Evans tosses over a steel chair, but it hits the top of the cage and falls back down
Phillip Blauer: What is that arsonist doing now??
Guillermo O’Bannon: On the second attempt, Kilroy gets a chair over the cage into WarGames!
The Sheik picks it up and points at Marty, who begs off. The fans are at a fever pitch!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jams the top of that chair into Marty’s chest!
The fans pop as Marty is flung against the corner. Donovan rubs his collarbone as The Sheik sets the chair up in front of the corner
Phillip Blauer: We were having a nice clean WarGames until The Guy That Makes The Build A Bear People Stay Late had to throw a chair into it. Real nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik backs up…
Phillip Blauer: Just unbelievable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …and he gets a head of steam before jumping off the chair into a heel kick in the corner!
The Seattle fans chant “Sheik! Sheik! Sheik!” as Marty slumps against the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives with a single leg takedown, into a cross knee lock. Working over Marty’s injured knee early!
The Key Arena pops as Marty Donovan cries out in pain. The Sheik twists his foot and calf, putting pressure on his knee
Phillip Blauer: This is barbaric, the man isn’t even allowed to give up yet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan was last in Seattle 15 years ago in 2007 when he defeated Dougie Ray Bullet. In 2012, he was booked to wrestle The Engineer here but he no showed.
Phillip Blauer: Classic Marty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rolls over onto his stomach with The Sheik’s arms, trying to twist his way out of it, but winds up converting it into a pluma blanca arm bar headscissors!!
The Key Arena rocks with boos
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Marty Donovan pulls back on Sheik’s trapped arm, while pushing down on his head. Outside of the cage, Hardkore Referee Richie Richardson asks for each team to select a representative. Kilroy Evans steps up for his team and Wesley Crane steps up for his
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re almost at the end of the five minute period. The next man in is to be determined by a coin toss.
Phillip Blauer: What? That’s asinine. Coin tosses are to determine water rights, not important things!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan clamping down on Sheik’s head, while pulling his arm away from the rest of his body.
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
A bullhorn sounds and Richie Richardson tosses the coin and Wesley Crane calls “Tails!”
Phillip Blauer: Shrewd. Tails Never Fails.
The coin lands on the concrete floor and bounces underneath the ring apron. The crowd lets out an audible gasp
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s Sake, Richie!
A panicked Richie Richardson awkwardly mopes over to the ring apron and checks under the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry folks, we’ll have this all figured out in a second.
Phillip Blauer: You’re telling me Carl Valentine Jr. would be worse than this kid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Carl, would be way worse.
Phillip Blauer: Really?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Way worse.
Carl Valentine Jr. nods from the timekeepers table
Phillip Blauer: I’ll be doggone.
Richie Richardson pulls his head from under the ring apron curtain and clearly did not see the coin he lost
Richie Richardson: Um, (shrugs) tails?
Phillip Blauer: Good lad!
“High Roller” Wesley Crane claps and enters through the cage door into the PSOW ring. Crane stomps The Sheik’s stomach while Marty Donovan maintains the pluma blanca
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane putting the boots to Sheik in that pluma blanca as The Anointed has a two on one advantage for the next two minutes. He elbow drops Sheik in the rib cage.
Marty Donovan releases the pluma blanca and gets up and joins Crane in kicking and stomping Sheik as he lays on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty irish whips Sheik into the corner and then Wesley Crane running knees him in the stomach. Donovan inverted atomic drops him staggering out of the corner and Wesley Crane hits him with a double knee to the face!
Wesley Crane lifts The Sheik up into a suplex and then drops him on his head with a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and Marty Donovan takes him out with a rolling wheel kick!
Crane pulls Sheik up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes but this time he hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik takes out both Wesley Crane and Marty Donovan with a springboard back elbow!!
The fans come to life as all three men lie there trying to catch their breath. The Sheik gets to his feet and grabs the chair. He steps through the ropes out of the PSOW ring into the Hardkore ring. The Sheik stands the chair up in front of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik gets a running start and jumps onto the middle of the top rope, he hops into the PSOW ring and hits Marty with a flying body press!
The Key Arena chants “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK! The Sheik turns around into a jawbreaker by Welsey Crane and the cheers turn to jeers
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, and then Marty Donovan cracks him with a flying forearm!
Wesley Crane pulls The Sheik up and hits him with an uppercut. The Sheik fires back with a right hand, but Marty knees him in the kidney from behind
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Kilroy Evans! He charges in but Marty tries to cut him off with a spin kick, but Kilroy rolls underneath it and takes out Wesley Crane with a roundhouse kick!
The fans erupt and Kilroy catches an oncoming Marty with a snapmare. Wesley Crane staggers over and gets a drop toehold that sends him face first into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans grabs Wesley Crane by the hair and tosses him headfirst into the steel cage!! He pulls Marty Donovan up by the hair and thinks about tossing him into the cage as well, but instead tosses him into the Hardkore ring!
Wesley Crane rolls over with a small cut over his forehead. The Sheik slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik catches Marty Donovan in the Hardkore ring with a springboard tornado DDT!!
The crowd is on their feet as The Anointed is on the run. Kilroy pulls Wesley Crane up to his feet in a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans running bulldogs Crane’s face into the mat!
In the Hardkore ring, The Sheik stomps Marty Donovan, and then scoops him up for a bodyslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits his legs on the top rope for a slingshot moonsault!
In the PSOW ring, Kilroy lifts Crane up for a suplex, but he floats over behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane lifts Kilroy Evans up into a brainbuster!
A bleeding Wesley Crane rolls his hips and lifts him for a second brainbuster, and then drops Kilroy on his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up for a third brainbuster!! In the other ring, The Sheik grabs Marty Donovan in a reverse chinlock.
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
The crowd boos Wesley Crane, while The Sheik holds on tight to Marty Donovan’s neck with the chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slips his head out, and counters with a hammerlock on Sheik’s arm. Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring and hits the trapped Sheik with a running european uppercut!
The jeers get deafening
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome enters the cage on the PSOW side, and irish whips Kilroy into the corner. He backs up and dives into a stinger splash that wilts Evans against the turnbuckles!
In the other ring, Wesley Crane atomic drops Sheik’s legs on the top rope between the two rings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan takes over on The Sheik with a rope hung neckbreaker!
The Sheik sits up, clutching the back of his neck. In the other ring, Steve Awesome does a double crotch chop and the boos rain down
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome hits Kilroy Evans with a bronco buster in the corner!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have this match well in hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They have a 3 on 2 advantage.
Phillip Blauer: They have a lot more advantages than that.
Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, and pulls Kilroy to his feet and gives him an exploder suplex out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the Hardkore ring, Marty Donovan tries to smash Sheik’s face into the cage, but The Sheik blocks it with his pointy boot. He counters by smashing Marty’s face into the cage!!
The audience cheers. In the other ring, Wesley Crane irish whips Kilroy Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome takes out Kilroy Evans with a high leg clothesline!
The Sheik throws a bleeding Marty over the ropes between the ropes but he gets caught in between them
Phillip Blauer: Pause the match, Marty is stuck between the ropes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stands the chair in front of the ropes. He hits the ropes, vaults off the chair, and catches the trapped Marty with a heel kick!
The Key Arena pops as Marty flounders and then falls on the bridged rings
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane irish whips Kilroy Evans into Steve Awesome who belly to belly suplexes him face first into the cage!!
The Key Arena rocks with boos as Kilroy ricochets back to the mat. A bloody Marty steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon enters the Hardkore ring to even the score! Marty Donovan runs at him, and Dragon flips him with a belly to belly suplex!
Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring, and Little Dragon cuts him off with a clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hops onto the middle of the ropes and takes out the bloody Wesley Crane with a springboard somersault senton in the PSOW ring!!
The Sheik stomps Steve Awesome. Little Dragon climbs to top turnbuckle, waits for Awesome to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik holds a chair in front of Steve Awesome’s face, and Little Dragon comes off the top with a van daminator kick to the chair!! That’s for what happened in Portland!
Phillip Blauer: What? A chair for that little Thigh Slapper superkick? Seems a little excessive.
The Sheik steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring. He picks Wesley Crane up by the bloodsoaked hair and slugs him. Little Dragon climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. A bleeding Kilroy crawls under the ropes into the Hardkore ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik scoops Wesley Crane up and drops him on his head with a michinoku driver II!! In the Hardkore ring, Little Dragon jumps off the top with a sicilian slicer to the back of Marty’s head, driving his face into the mat!!
Steve Awesome pulls himself up by the ropes and turns around into Kilroy who kicks him in the groin! The fans cheer, and Kilroy pulls Awesome’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Awesome up into a piledriver and drills his head into the mat!
Kilroy Evans: “You were warned, Steve!”
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous, when do we get another guy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’ll be a while.
The Sheik calls for a chair, and Kilroy throws him the one from the other ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that chair at Wesley Crane’s head!! In the other ring, Little Dragon irish whips Marty Donovan, but Donovan hops onto the middle of the top rope and jumps into the PSOW ring and springboard missile dropkicks Sheik in the back of the head!!
In the Hardkore ring, a busted open Kilroy fakes a headbutt and bites his Steve's nose instead when he flinches
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake he was in Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan!
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Phillip Blauer: Oh goody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, Marty irish whips Sheik into the ropes, does a drop down and has Sheik hops over him, Wesley Crane catches him with a spinebuster!
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Phillip Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship to save the day!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB runs up behind Kilroy Evans and kicks him right in the gooseberries!
Phillip Blauer: Ha! Not so funny when it’s your gooseberries, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Little Dragon in the gooseberries as well!
Phillip Blauer: What’s good for the goose…
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring and stomps The Sheik on the mat. He lifts The Sheik up into a slingshot suplex!
The Seattle crowd jeers. Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the other ring where Steve Awesome lifts Little Dragon up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his chicken winged arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes off the top rope with a flying elbow to Kilroy Evans chest!
In the PSOW ring, a bloody Marty Donovan lifts The Sheik up in an inverted facelock, then lifts him up into an inverted backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits up in pain, and Alexander Von Blankenship basement dropkicks him in the back of the head!
AVB steps back through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. He pulls Little Dragon up by the hair and whacks him with a hard chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lights Little Dragon up with another knife edge chop. Meanwhile, “The High Roller” Wesley Crane pulls Kilroy up, but Kilroy sprays Crane in the eyes with a mist of the blood that pooled in his mouth!!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh! There’s no telling what’s in that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another hard chop from Blankenship backs Little Dragon up, but then Dragon fires back with a kick to AVB’s ankle. This action is getting hard to call!
Phillip Blauer: It’s your job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m aware of that, Phil…Kilroy Evans with a double arm DDT on Wesley Crane! Kilroy stands up, a house on fire, but Steve Awesome gets him from behind with a diving reverse DDT!
Alexander Von Blankenship rocks Little Dragon with a right hand. Little Dragon responds with a stiff kick to AVB’s thigh. In the other ring, Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan flips into an Ode To Romero 450 splash but The Sheik puts his knees up!!
The Seattle fans come to life! In the Hardkore ring, Von Blankenship grabs Little Dragon by the hair and stuns him with an overhand right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits back with a fiery left handed punch on AVB. Steve Awesome hits the ropes and whacks Kilroy Evans with a step up shining wizard!
The Key Arena lets out a collective “OH!” Little Dragon takes over on AVB and hammers him with some rapid fire punches, but Von Blankenship cuts him off with an eye poke.
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Left. 30 Seconds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Little Dragon up and fallaway slams him over the ropes into the PSOW ring!
In the PSOW ring, The Sheik grabs that chair and gives Marty Donovan an arabian facebuster leg drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: But here we go, after the final entrant, Kalmin Watts enters the ring it will be The Match Beyond.
Phillip Blauer: Right, which is what again?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Only then can the match end by submission or surrender.
Phillip Blauer: I guarantee no one heard that the first time.
Greg Jin: 10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes Kalmin Watts!
Greg Jin: “It Is Now The Match Beyond! This match may now end by submission or surrender!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs AVB and spinebusters him into the mat! Kalmin Watts presses his own partner Kilroy Evans over his head!
Phillip Blauer: Yes! He finally caught on to how annoying that guy is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts throws Kilroy over the ropes onto Marty in the PSOW ring!
The Seattle fans roar! Little Dragon bashes Alexander Von Blankenship’s head into the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane takes a swing at him but Kalmin ducks and release german suplexes him across the ring until Crane folds like an accordian!
Little Dragon rakes AVB’s face back and forth on the steel cage, shredding his forehead and making him bleed
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik enters the Hardkore ring, and just tosses that chair at Wesley Crane when he tries to get to his feet!!
The audience lets out another loud “OH!” In the PSOW ring, Marty Donovan gets up and tries to kick Kilroy, but Evans catches his injured knee and takes him down with a dragon screw leg whip. Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off, but Kalmin Watts catches him, popping the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts taking on the entire Anointed by himself!
Phillip Blauer: Someone drug test him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts with a running powerslam on Steve Awesome!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts back up to his feet. Little Dragon picks up the chair and cracks Alexander Von Blankenship with it!! The crowd “OH”s at the sound of the chair hitting AVB’s skull
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring and applies a LaBell lock on Wesley Crane! Remember, submissions are now legal!
Phillip Blauer: When did that start??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik locking his hands under Wesley Crane’s chin, as the blood runs all over his fingers!
Wesley Crane tries to hang on while Malcolm Xavier Graves is pounding on the cage with his cane. Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, where Kilroy Evans irish whips Marty into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans spins Marty Donovan into a tiltawhirl backbreaker! In the Hardkore ring, The Sheik rocks back on Crane’s head and arm, but finally Steve Awesome stomps the back of Sheik’s head to break up the LaBell lock.
Phillip Blauer: Aw shucks, he beat me to it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the other ring, Kalmin Watts lifts Kilroy Evans up into a suplex on top of Marty Donovan’s midsection!!
The crowd cheers as Marty Donovan sits up in pain. Steve Awesome grabs Little Dragon from behind with a chicken wing crossface suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome drops Little Dragon on his shoulder with The Awesome-Plex!!
Little Dragon holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Wesley Crane lifts The Sheik onto his shoulders with a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: “High Roller” Wesley Crane runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver on The Sheik!
The Seattle fans boo as Sheik sits up from the impact and then falls back down. A very bloody Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the PSOW ring where Kilroy Evans electric chairs Marty Donovan up onto his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan reverses the electric chair into a reverse huracanrana on Kilroy Evans!!
The Key Arena lets out a collective “OH!” Wesley Crane steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, where Alexander Von Blankenship cracks Kilroy Evans from behind with a kick to the knee that hobbles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs Kilroy Evans and dragon screw leg whips him to the mat. Marty Donovan gets a running start and dives over the ropes onto Kalmin Watts, who catches him and drops him into a gutbuster!
Alexander Von Blankenship steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring, where he scoops Little Dragon up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker. Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring, and then runs into the ropes. He catches Kilroy Evans with a canadian destroyer style DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome with The Flip of the Franchise on Kilroy Evans!!
The audience boos. The Sheik pulls on the top rope, slingshotting himself into a leg drop across Marty’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane applies a dragon sleeper on Kilroy immediately! Inside the Hardkore ring, Kalmin Watts applies an armbar on Marty Donovan!
The Sheik steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring. A crimson masked Crane plants his feet and rocks back on Kilroy’s head and neck. Next to him, Watts clamps down on Donovan’s arm, trying to rip it out of the socket. Alexander Von Blankenship tries to irish whip Little Dragon but he reverses it and shoots AVB into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits the ropes and whacks Alexander Von Blankenship with a hard lariat!
A horribly bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship rolls into the Hardkore ring, where Kalmin Watts releases the armbar on Marty Donovan and comes over and stomps Welsey Crane to break up the dragon sleeper on Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Wesley Crane up and drops him into a ribbreaker.
Steve Awesome goes to irish whip a bleeding Evans but Kilroy hangs on and pulls him into a short arm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands With Danger on Steve Awesome! The Sheik climbs up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and hits Steve Awesome with a moonsault!!
The Sheik pulls Steve Awesome up into a suplex, but Awesome blocks it with his boot. He counters with a suplex of his own, but drops him into a sit out reverse suplex. In the Hardkore ring, Kalmin Watts scoops Donovan up but Marty floats over into an inverted facelock. He lifts Watts up into snapping backwards DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Better Than Cobryn!!
Kalmin Watts tries to no sell it, but Alexander Von Blankenship walks up to him and slaps him across the face! The Seattle audience lets out a loud “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: That’s for helping those less fortunate!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts tackles Alexander Von Blankenship out of his boots!!
The Key Arena erupts with cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship is sprawled out, bleeding on the canvas. Marty Donovan steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring where The Sheik irish whips Wesley Crane into the ropes and takes him out with a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, Disney’s Marty Donovan grabs Kilroy Evans from behind with a full nelson, and drops him with a release dragon suplex!
Marty Donovan grabs Kilroy Evans’ aching leg and drops back into a leg scissors cross knee lock. The audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan rocks back with Kilroy Evans’ trapped leg, trying to hyperextend the knee.
Kilroy whips his head, blood running down his face, refusing to give up. Steve Awesome steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. In the PSOW ring, The Sheik finally comes over and stomps Marty, breaking up the leg scissors cross knee lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon irish whips Steve Awesome into the corner, but Awesome hops onto the top turnbuckles and backflips into an Awesome-Sault!!
Kalmin Watts presses AVB over his head, and walks him around the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship slips out and lands on his feet behind. Watts turns around into an Ordained superkick under his chin!
Alexander Von Blankenship steps into the PSOW ring, and starts stomping and kicking Kilroy’s leg. A bleeding Marty Donovan steps through the ropes into the Hardkore ring. Donovan chicken wings Little Dragon’s arm and gets underneath him, lifting him up into a gloria suplex, dropping him on that arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the PSOW ring, The Sheik comes off the top with a moonsault but Wesley Crane rolls out of the way!!
In the Hardkore ring, Marty Donovan full nelsons Little Dragon and dragon suplexes him, but Little Dragon lands on his feet behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon grabs Marty’s leg out from under him with an ankle lock! In the PSOW ring, Wesley Crane nearly cuts The Sheik in half with a spear!
Little Dragon twists Marty Donovan’s foot, as Marty tries to crawl away. In the PSOW ring, Alexander Von Blankenship grabs the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB approaches but Kilroy Evans catches him with a drop toehold and Von Blankenship falls face first on the chair!!
In the other ring, Little Dragon wraps his legs around Donovan’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of the ankle lock. Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes into the PSOW ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pulls AVB’s head into his legs, and lift him up, drilling his bloody head into the canvas with a piledriver!
Blood streams down Marty’s face as he pushes up, forcing Little Dragon to stand back up, wrenching his foot with the ankle lock. Steve Awesome grabs Little Dragon from behind with a chicken wing crossface and suplexes him on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Lock! Awesome clamps down on Dragon’s throat while pulling up on that hammerlocked arm.
Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes and kicks Donovan in the stomach, and then drops down into a jawbreaker! Donovan legs fly up and Kilroy catches his legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jawesome!
Phillip Blauer: (rubbing his temples) Too…many…puns
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sits back on Marty’s back, pulling down on his twisted legs! Wesley Crane goes for the save but The Sheik takes him out with the black mass kick known as The Scimitar!!
Steve Awesome pulls back on The Awesome Lock, trying to pop Little Dragon’s arm out of it’s socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts tries to help Little Dragon, but Alexander Von Blankenship blindsides him with a superman punch known as The Baptism!!
The bell rings and half the fans boo and half cheer loudly. The men all continue fighting, seemingly unaware that the match is over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who won??
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed, obviously.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why?
Phillip Blauer: I’m speaking it into existence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well don’t.
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH…THE ANOINTED!!!"
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed outlast Kilroy, Sheik, Dragon, and Watts somehow, but not without paying for their many sins over the past year.
Marty Donovan holds up the arms of The Anointed, blood streaming down his face. Nodding as the fans boo. Kilroy Evans, Kalmin Watts, Little Dragon, and The Sheik leave the double cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed bloodied but not beaten…
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take this one, Gertrude. What does it mean to be Anointed? Well, Webster’s Dictionary defines being Anointed as “to add notes to a text or diagram, giving it explanation or comment.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Annotated.
Marty points at The Anointed members, and applauds to the audience as they boo. When he turns around, Alexander Von Blankenship nearly caves Marty’s face in with an Ordained superkick. The music stops and everyone stares in absolute shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wha- why…
The fans snap out of their shock and begin booing as Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into a Wrath of the Dragon moonsault double stomp to Marty Donovan’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on? Why are Steve Awesome and AVB doing this??
Phillip Blauer: Don’t look at me, they didn’t run this by me for some reason…
Marty tries to crawl away and grabs Wesley Crane’s boot. He slowly pulls himself up along Wesley’s body, as Crane looks at him indifferently, while bleeding all over himself.
Marty Donovan: “Wes…please. Help…what are they doing??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty, being betrayed by the group he started, with AVB in LA in August of last year! Begging his friend, Wesley Crane for help!
Marty, eyes bugging out with fear, looks in Wesley Crane’s eyes who just stares back emotionless. Steve Awesome pulls him back into his legs, and lifts him into a styles clash, but drops to his knees in a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ego Check on his former friend, Marty Donovan!!
The audience boo and throw trash at the cage. Wesley Crane turns around and walks out of the cage. Alexander Von Blankenship tells Steve Awesome to lift Marty up for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB lifts a limp Marty up on his shoulders, and then drops him on his head with a Omnipotence burning hammer!! What is the purpose of all this? They clearly waited until “The Punisher” Dan Stein was out getting surgery, so that Marty would be alone.
Phillip Blauer: (gasps, covers his mouth) I forgot about Dan!
Kilroy Evans comes back out and tries to stop Wesley Crane in the aisle way by grabbing his arm
Kilroy Evans: “Help him!!”
Wesley Crane whips his arm away, and continues walking up the ramp
Phillip Blauer: Was someone not paying attention to Kilroy for a second? That must have been devastating
Inside the double cage, Steve Awesome lifts Marty up into a fireman’s carry, and then spins him into a TKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: SteveKO!
Alexander Von Blankenship does the sign of the cross over Marty’s prone body as Steve Awesome applies a rings of saturn. AVB yells “We’re The Anointed!!” at the fans as a full cup of beer hits the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome applies Everybody’s Favorite Submission Hold…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, you mean the EFSH..or E*FiSH, for short…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Alexander Von Blankenship stomping the helpless Marty in the face and head…
The Seattle fans erupt as Kilroy Evans whips open the cage door and rushes Steve Awesome and AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lighting up AVB with right hands, then hammers him with headbutts. Steve Awesome releases the EFSH…
Phillip Blauer: E*FiSH…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Goddammit, Phil…
Kilroy Evans bites Steve Awesome on the forehead, making the movie star scream and wave on AVB who knees Kilroy in the kidneys. Marty crawls into the PSOW ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship twists Kilroy Evans into the lightning spiral he calls The Blessing!!
A bloody Kilroy Evans staggers up and Steve Awesome comes off the ropes with a canadian destroyer style DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flip of the Franchise!! He applies that chicken wing crossface on Kilroy! He pulls crushes Kilroy’s windpipe while cranking up on that arm. He tried to help his old tag team partner Marty from sustaining serious injury, and now he’s the one looking like he could be on the shelf.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta pay the piper when you want to play hero.
The Key Arena rocks with boos as Alexander Von Blankenship slaps him over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: I haven’t been the world’s biggest Marty fan for the way he wins his matches, but they could have…
Phillip Blauer: Could have what? Had a staff meeting? Maybe you haven’t been part of a supergroup like I have but we every other man in this territory looking to destroy The Anointed. You have to show what happens to people that no longer add anything to your stable, so that people know it would be even worse for them to cross you.
The fans chant “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK!” as AVB takes free shot on Kilroy after free shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you be so fickle? You’ve been singing his praises for months?
Phillip Blauer: Put the breaks on, chum. Show me one time I ever did that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re just saying that because you know Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. always forgets to record the show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Sheik! The Sheik is in the cage with a chair!
The Sheik whacks Alexander Von Blankenship in the back with the chair and he arches his back in pain! The crowd leaps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: Now what’s gotten into him?
Steve Awesome releases the crossface chicken wing and rolls to the mat before he can get brained with that chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome desert the cage! The Anointed have splintered here tonight in Seattle! Steve Awesome and AVB have mutinied against their one time leader Marty Donovan, and Wesley Crane neither helped nor attacked Marty, but left him to the wolves. One wonders what is the state of his tag team with “The Punisher” Dan Stein?
AVB and Steve Awesome back down the aisle with their arms raised. The crowd flip them off and chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” AVB puts his face close to a fan’s face, and then snatches back when the guy tries to hit
Phillip Blauer: Dan understands Wes is the triple champion for a reason, he’s a businessman.
Kilroy gets to his feet and sees The Sheik holding a chair. He tries to squint through the blood to see what Sheik’s intentions are
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy maybe misunderstanding that The Sheik just saved him from certain injury.
The Sheik looks back at him for a few moments, and then tosses the chair down, popping the Seattle audience. Kilroy Evans walks a few steps forward, and The Sheik gets into a fighting stance. In the PSOW ring, Marty Donovan begins stir, pulling himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sticks his hand out!
The fans cheer as Sheik looks a little confused and remains ready to punch Kilroy Evans. He looks at Kilroy’s hand, unsure
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe The Sheik just came out to get another chance at hurting Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome, but Kilroy is looking to thank him anyways. The Sheik seems to be mulling it over.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure it’s sticky from dipping sauces.
The Sheik instead just bails out of the ring, leaving Kilroy standing in the ring with his hand out. The audience boos in disappointment. Malcolm Xavier Graves is waiting for The Sheik in the aisleway, and pats him on the back as he walks by
Phillip Blauer: Not today.
Kilroy looks disappointed while he’s unaware that Marty Donovan has now climbed into the Hardkore ring and stands behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan now standing behind Kilroy Evans! Kilroy turns around and is startled by him.
Kilroy cocks back his fist as Marty just passively stands there. The Seattle fans chant “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have spent the past 10 months wrestling in World title matches at Helloween, texas tornado matches, and WarGames. But when Marty needed help, his old friend Kilroy was there for him.
Kilroy Evans sticks his hand out and Marty looks at it. The audience continues to chant MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” A blood drenched Marty looks around at the cheering crowd
Phillip Blauer: Marty but be pretty self absorbed…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right? But?
Phillip Blauer: Hmm? I was done.
Marty looks at Kilroy Evans' hand. Kilroy nods his head, assuring Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty shakes it!!
The crowd erupts and “When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays as Kilroy Evans hugs him. Marty seems a little uncomfortable with the affection
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express is back!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed has kicked Marty from the penthouse to the outhouse.
Kilroy Evans continues to hug Marty, lifting him off the ground a little, as Donovan pushes him away slightly. The Key Arena goes back to chanting MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we’re out of time, please join us next in Sacramento!
Phillip Blauer: Are you serious? Not on your life!
Phil Blauer takes his headset off and storms away from the desk. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to console him, but Phil waves him off
