Post by Dave D-Flipz on May 12, 2023 22:48:46 GMT -5
*The camera opens up on Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the financial backer and head of the Angry Mad Chemists racing squad. Also a noted evil scientist and cult leader who may have accidentally saved the world from eldritch horrors one time too many. Which is one more than we expected and it’s kinda weird it happened at all right? Anyhow, he sits in a red lounge chair in a smoking jacket and puffing on a bubble pipe. He looks down the camera like one of those “special episode” intros from old sitcoms. What subject will he be tackling that merits this? Tobacco use? Violent video games? Being a fan of Donzig? STEM education?*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Good evening, I am Dr. Doofenshmirtz. And I am here to talk to you today about the dangers … associated with cults.
*Oh well that’s a surprise. How serious. And very poignant given the preponderance of cults in the XHF Network. What advice will he have to help you avoid being a victim of a-*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: There’s none! No danger, as long as the cult is the RIGHT cult!
*… oh … beat I guess*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now there are some who would tell you it’s perfectly fine to follow the sexy werewolf, but do you know how destructive Cthulhu is? I do. I was under his power for a brief moment before purging Phroooaggh from my body. And he is a jerkwad. Insane. And that book was very racist, seriously how did he manage to get less heat than the guy he looks like now? But there are those who do good things! Have your best intentions at heart. And they’re right here, as the heart and soul of everyone’s favorite company. Competitive Automotive Racing. The Angry Mad Chemists. We have your best interests at heart. And our cult does wonderful things. So today, here are some testimonials from REAL members! And not just complete fabrications made by our marketing department. Totally real. Not paid actors, Not impersonators. Wink.
Norm the Normal Human: Boss. You said wink out loud.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well stop recording and cut to the prepared video Norm! Seriously how hard is it to make good help these days, it’s not like I’m lying about the first part. I’m not paying the actors- STOP RECORDING NORM! Do NOT broadcast this to the website cultofdoof.com where you too can sign up for the fan club for the light monthly fee of $9.98.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*We open on a man holding a world title belt. He has boyish Italian good looks. It’s HKW World champion and AMC Superfan Cross Recoba! … Wait … even though the AMC TOTALLY could have gotten that endorsement… it’s not Cross. It’s Billy wearing a shockingly realistic looking science-made latex mask made to look like Cross Recoba. And he has a replica HKW title. The W is misspelled. Don’t think about that too hard.*
Billy Cross: Hello. I’m Chris Ricola. *mumbling from off screen* Wha? Oh, right. Cross Recoba. A totally real name not made up or anything. You may know me as the CEO of Tapout Wrestling and the Hardcore World World Champion. Why is world there twice? *mumbling off camera* What do you mean it’s a k? You can’t hear the difference between a k and a hard c in speech you moron!
*There’s a static sound and a hard cut and “Cross” is now standing in the Captain Morgan pose*
Billy Cross: Now I’m sure you all saw my epic fight in the XHF Rumble. Placed top 5! And that’s damn good. But … it could have been better. I would have won but I was distracted by my good friends the AMC being banned from the building. Despite CAR having a presence at the event, none of their best team were allowed into the building. And as a fan, that’s shameful. But more important. As a member of cultofdoof.com, who was the first member and got in at the low price of free … for the first two months before they started auto charging my credit card $9.98 a month.
*He winks at the camera … it looks very disconcerting and uncanny valley through the mask*
Billy Cross: I was entitled to have them cheer me on. Having them there to watch my back, be my inspiration, and maybe stop Fox’s horrible cronies, one of whom is clearly just Lord Dominicus when his laundry went into a bleach cycle. Had they been allowed in and cheered me on, I would have won the X*Crown for HKW and to display at Tapout! Both of which are superior options to that horrid GUNS show! They give airtime to Zoran! And Blobby!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The camera cuts back in on another random citizen that totally isn’t Ian Brundle in a fake moustache and blonde wig.*
Ian: I, uh, was able to pass my Ph.D. qualifying exams thanks to the real time zoom call help from Billy!
*Ovi wearing a girdle, corset, and dress, with his moustache tied back like ponytails steps onto the screen*
Ovi: I was able to get the courage to ask out the love of my life thanks to love advice from that dashing Ian Brundle’s online classes!
*The camera spins to Norm, the Normal Human, who is actually a ten foot mech … and he has on a T-Rex skull over his head*
Norm the Normal Human: I am lucky I joined this cult! I would have thought my only option for love was the only other animated dracolich in existence! But Dr. Doof showed me the way with his mad science! Now I have a great husband and many little bonechildren! Yee-haw!
Ovi: Yee-haw?
*Phroooaggh walks on screen with his cheeks all blushed up, 5 Remote control dinosaurs wander behind him.*
Phroooaggh: Why honey! I am so glad that Doof gave you the ability to reproduce with eldritch abominations! This cult has done wonders for our family! I even got over my erecti- … HEY I DID NOT AGREE TO TH-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*We cut back to Doof standing in his room in front of his chair.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: With so many happy cultstomers you’d be a braindead idiot not to go over to cultofdoof.com and watch the recruitment video. After that, the odds of you being lonely or worshipping any other CAR team is statistically zero! And I’m not just a happy cultstomer. I’m the founder. So come and support the AMC, the only wholesome, not evil, totally worth it cult around. And root for us to win the Sippy Cup and extend our domination to the whole XHF Network AND ALL OF THE TRI-STATE-AR-
*The video cuts out*
1. How does your driver react to being fired upon?
Billy: YOU’LL NEVER GET THROUGH OUR ABLATIVE ARMOR! … Is that a bowler hat in the wind?
2. What is in the tunnel?
Ian: Uh, the uh, radar detects nothing of note. This is CAR, Memaw hehe um, is notoriously low budget, especially when it isn’t visible to the crowd … or herself … or she has to describe the calamity that is on screen. Very practical.
3. Do you have any family friendly dialog to include in the race?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Family friendly? WE’RE EVIL! AND IN A CULT! So everything we do is very family friendly, you can find our mission statement on cultofdoof.com and with a nominal monthly fee of $9.98, a real bargain, you too can be a part of all the wholesome family friendly goodness that comes with our elite racing squad! Surely a more family friendly cult than whatever that werewolf would subject your children to.
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Billy: YES! FINALLY! We can modify the car again! And just in time to win a GOLDEN … uh … child’s drinking cup?
Ovi: We really are the UPN to the network’s other feds being CBS and NBC, etc aren’t we?
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Norm the Normal Human: Oh no. Now I am sad. You should all watch the video on cultofdoof.com to help Norm feel normal again!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Good evening, I am Dr. Doofenshmirtz. And I am here to talk to you today about the dangers … associated with cults.
*Oh well that’s a surprise. How serious. And very poignant given the preponderance of cults in the XHF Network. What advice will he have to help you avoid being a victim of a-*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: There’s none! No danger, as long as the cult is the RIGHT cult!
*… oh … beat I guess*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now there are some who would tell you it’s perfectly fine to follow the sexy werewolf, but do you know how destructive Cthulhu is? I do. I was under his power for a brief moment before purging Phroooaggh from my body. And he is a jerkwad. Insane. And that book was very racist, seriously how did he manage to get less heat than the guy he looks like now? But there are those who do good things! Have your best intentions at heart. And they’re right here, as the heart and soul of everyone’s favorite company. Competitive Automotive Racing. The Angry Mad Chemists. We have your best interests at heart. And our cult does wonderful things. So today, here are some testimonials from REAL members! And not just complete fabrications made by our marketing department. Totally real. Not paid actors, Not impersonators. Wink.
Norm the Normal Human: Boss. You said wink out loud.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well stop recording and cut to the prepared video Norm! Seriously how hard is it to make good help these days, it’s not like I’m lying about the first part. I’m not paying the actors- STOP RECORDING NORM! Do NOT broadcast this to the website cultofdoof.com where you too can sign up for the fan club for the light monthly fee of $9.98.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*We open on a man holding a world title belt. He has boyish Italian good looks. It’s HKW World champion and AMC Superfan Cross Recoba! … Wait … even though the AMC TOTALLY could have gotten that endorsement… it’s not Cross. It’s Billy wearing a shockingly realistic looking science-made latex mask made to look like Cross Recoba. And he has a replica HKW title. The W is misspelled. Don’t think about that too hard.*
*There’s a static sound and a hard cut and “Cross” is now standing in the Captain Morgan pose*
*He winks at the camera … it looks very disconcerting and uncanny valley through the mask*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The camera cuts back in on another random citizen that totally isn’t Ian Brundle in a fake moustache and blonde wig.*
Ian: I, uh, was able to pass my Ph.D. qualifying exams thanks to the real time zoom call help from Billy!
*Ovi wearing a girdle, corset, and dress, with his moustache tied back like ponytails steps onto the screen*
Ovi: I was able to get the courage to ask out the love of my life thanks to love advice from that dashing Ian Brundle’s online classes!
*The camera spins to Norm, the Normal Human, who is actually a ten foot mech … and he has on a T-Rex skull over his head*
Norm the Normal Human: I am lucky I joined this cult! I would have thought my only option for love was the only other animated dracolich in existence! But Dr. Doof showed me the way with his mad science! Now I have a great husband and many little bonechildren! Yee-haw!
Ovi: Yee-haw?
*Phroooaggh walks on screen with his cheeks all blushed up, 5 Remote control dinosaurs wander behind him.*
Phroooaggh: Why honey! I am so glad that Doof gave you the ability to reproduce with eldritch abominations! This cult has done wonders for our family! I even got over my erecti- … HEY I DID NOT AGREE TO TH-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*We cut back to Doof standing in his room in front of his chair.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: With so many happy cultstomers you’d be a braindead idiot not to go over to cultofdoof.com and watch the recruitment video. After that, the odds of you being lonely or worshipping any other CAR team is statistically zero! And I’m not just a happy cultstomer. I’m the founder. So come and support the AMC, the only wholesome, not evil, totally worth it cult around. And root for us to win the Sippy Cup and extend our domination to the whole XHF Network AND ALL OF THE TRI-STATE-AR-
*The video cuts out*
1. How does your driver react to being fired upon?
Billy: YOU’LL NEVER GET THROUGH OUR ABLATIVE ARMOR! … Is that a bowler hat in the wind?
2. What is in the tunnel?
Ian: Uh, the uh, radar detects nothing of note. This is CAR, Memaw hehe um, is notoriously low budget, especially when it isn’t visible to the crowd … or herself … or she has to describe the calamity that is on screen. Very practical.
3. Do you have any family friendly dialog to include in the race?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Family friendly? WE’RE EVIL! AND IN A CULT! So everything we do is very family friendly, you can find our mission statement on cultofdoof.com and with a nominal monthly fee of $9.98, a real bargain, you too can be a part of all the wholesome family friendly goodness that comes with our elite racing squad! Surely a more family friendly cult than whatever that werewolf would subject your children to.
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Billy: YES! FINALLY! We can modify the car again! And just in time to win a GOLDEN … uh … child’s drinking cup?
Ovi: We really are the UPN to the network’s other feds being CBS and NBC, etc aren’t we?
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Norm the Normal Human: Oh no. Now I am sad. You should all watch the video on cultofdoof.com to help Norm feel normal again!
