A Right Royal F-UP [CBB #2]
May 25, 2023 11:41:48 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, bloodiedfox, and 2 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on May 25, 2023 11:41:48 GMT -5
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: “AS MACBETH SAID TO HAMLET IN A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM, ‘WE’VE BEEN DONE UP LIKE A COUPLE OF KIPPERS.’” - Derek Edward Trotter
The sounds of pots and pans clanking and clashing can be heard.
Water from a tap is heard to be turned on and clearly hits a body of water.
FADE IN
The Royal Kitchen.
Piles of PLATES, DISHES, and PANS are stacked up high. So high that BLOBBY and EDMONDS can’t be seen as they tower above them.
EXECUTIVE CHEF picks up a ‘clean’ PLATE.
EDMONDS and BLOBBY start to splutter excuses.
EXIT EXECUTIVE CHEF
EXT. ROYAL KITCHEN - DAY
The FIRE DOOR is kicked open and BLOBBY and EDWARDS emerge.
EDMONDS ditches the HAIRNET from his head.
BLOBBY takes a quick hit from a SHERBET PACKET.
EDMONDS spots something.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DAY
Two ROYAL GUARDS stand in front of a Palace entrance.
Enter SARAH FERGUSON and PRINCESS EUGENIE
SARAH FERGUSON has a beard…PRINCESS EUGENIE is an odd shade of pink and yellow.
Both ROYAL GUARDS look slightly sceptical. They turn their backs to confer.
ROYAL GUARD #2 turns around and puts his foot in FERGIE’s face.
‘FERGIE’ shakes it.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. ROY’S SANDWICH SHOP - DAY
Both the CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS nurse a cup of tea.
A TOURIST with a camera walks in.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - NIGHT
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS approach the same guards.
BLOBBY waves the pizza box at them, clearly showing the PIZZA EXPRESS label on it.
The two ROYAL GUARDS start to confer once more.
ROYAL GUARD #1 presses a button to open the gate.
CUT TO:
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
KING CHARLES can be seen with his top off at the table.
CHARLES ignores her and continues to dine into what looks to be a literal SQUIRREL.
The DOUBLE-DOORS burst open and standing there are THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS
EDMONDS winces.
EDMONDS catches the stink-eye from the FORMER PRINCE OF WALES.
CAMILLA looks at him.
CHARLES looks perplexed.
CHARLES pontificates.
FADE OUT
INT. “DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B’S STATELY HOME - DAY
MR BLOBBY rolls his eyes.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: “AS MACBETH SAID TO HAMLET IN A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM, ‘WE’VE BEEN DONE UP LIKE A COUPLE OF KIPPERS.’” - Derek Edward Trotter
The sounds of pots and pans clanking and clashing can be heard.
Water from a tap is heard to be turned on and clearly hits a body of water.
EXECUTIVE CHEF (VO)
WHAT IN HELL’S NAME IS THIS?
FADE IN
The Royal Kitchen.
Piles of PLATES, DISHES, and PANS are stacked up high. So high that BLOBBY and EDMONDS can’t be seen as they tower above them.
EXECUTIVE CHEF picks up a ‘clean’ PLATE.
EXECUTIVE CHEF
These plates are dirtier than my ex-wife and she was known as Air Hangar Hannah!
EDMONDS and BLOBBY start to splutter excuses.
EXECUTIVE CHEF
If these plates aren’t all cleared to the standard we require by the time I get back…you’re both fired!
EXIT EXECUTIVE CHEF
MR BLOBBY (OS)
(Mocking)
BLOB BLOB BLOBAL, BLOB….
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
Are we not inside the Palace?
MR BLOBBY (OS)
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
Time for Plan B…
EXT. ROYAL KITCHEN - DAY
The FIRE DOOR is kicked open and BLOBBY and EDWARDS emerge.
EDMONDS ditches the HAIRNET from his head.
BLOBBY takes a quick hit from a SHERBET PACKET.
NOEL EDMONDS
We need….
EDMONDS spots something.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Perfect…
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS
I’ve got it far worse than you, trust me.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DAY
Two ROYAL GUARDS stand in front of a Palace entrance.
ROYAL GUARD #1
You see Chesney’s worried he’ll be typecast on Coronation Street and if he gets let go he won’t work again…
ROYAL GUARD #2
Not like he can go into a singing career like Matthew Marsden…
ROYAL GUARD #1
Or win Rear of the Year like Tracey Shaw…
ROYAL GUARD #2
It’s what happened to me before I joined here.
ROYAL GUARD #1
You were on Corrie?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Nah, Eastenders…
ROYAL GUARD #1
As who?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Wellard.
ROYAL GUARD #1
The dog?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Yep. Kept animal rights groups off our backs. Aged out of it though, doctors told me if I carried on I’d be permanently hunchbacked. It’s why I got the job here…
ROYAL GUARD #1
Not for the honour of serving our Royal Family?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Nah, fuck ‘em. My chiropractor sorted this out for me.
SARAH FERGUSON has a beard…PRINCESS EUGENIE is an odd shade of pink and yellow.
SARAH FERGUSON
(FALSETTO)
We’re just dropping in to see Andrew, let us in will you?
PRINCESS EUGENIE
(FALSETTO)
BLOB!
SARAH FERGUSON
(FALSETTO)
Hahaha…excuse my…daughter, she thought she could eat a giant gobstopper in the time it took us from Fortnum’s to here, hahaha. You get to tip the footmen today, my dear!
ROYAL GUARD #1
When did Fergie have a beard?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Charlie did say he was slimming the Royal Outgoings and she’s probably gone through the change. Poor dear probably can’t keep up on her electrolysis appointments…
ROYAL GUARD #1
What if they’re imposters?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Who would pretend to be a GINGER?
(BEAT)
ROYAL GUARD #1
We’ll have to put them to the test. Got any ideas?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Only one way to know if it’s Fergie, buy me a minute will you?
ROYAL GUARD #1 turns back to FERGIE and EUGENIE
ROYAL GUARD #1
Heightened security, ma’am. Remember the secret handshake?
‘FERGIE’ shakes it.
ROYAL GUARD #1
No, come on, ma’am. What do you like to do to feet?
NOEL EDMONDS
FORGET IT! RUN FOR IT, BLOB!!!!
FADE IN
INT. ROY’S SANDWICH SHOP - DAY
Both the CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS nurse a cup of tea.
NOEL EDMONDS
What can we do, Blob?
MR BLOBBY
BLONNO!??
NOEL EDMONDS
If only there was an easy answer…
NOEL EDMONDS
Blob, I’ve just had a plan more cunning than a fox who just learned that cunnilingus wasn’t on the syllabus of Cunning at his particular university….
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - NIGHT
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS approach the same guards.
NOEL EDMONDS
Delivery for Andrew!
ROYAL GUARD #1
We didn’t get told that.
NOEL EDMONDS
He did it by the app, probably forgot he ordered it. Do you want a hangry Prince on your hands?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Sounds like him.
NOEL EDMONDS
We’ve got to take a photo to prove to our bosses it was delivered. Blame Amazon, first they take the family-owned stores, then they take the warehouses but no-one thought they’d come for the Pizza places, did they?
The two ROYAL GUARDS start to confer once more.
ROYAL GUARD #1
What do we do? Can we call Andrew?
ROYAL GUARD #2
Best not to, might have a guest and it’s ten past eight, might be asleep.
ROYAL GUARD #1
What do we do?
ROYAL GUARD #2
They’ve got a photographer.
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
Pizza Express is his favorite, everyone knows that! If we turn it away-
ROYAL GUARD #1
If we don’t let them through that’ll be on the front-page of tomorrow’s paper. Chantelle, twenty-two from Rotherham will even have a comment about it on Page Three!
ROYAL GUARD #1 presses a button to open the gate.
ROYAL GUARD #2
Go on through, you’ve got ten minutes.
CUT TO:
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
CHARLES
Lovely bit of squirrel, Camilla, lovely bit of squirrel.
CAMILLA
Chaz! You need to put a bloody shirt on. Have some decorum!
CHARLES
Shame about Tina Turner…I met her once you know…
CAMILLA
For the last time, it’s not as impressive when you’re the King, you’re meant to meet EVERYONE who’s famous!
CAMILLA
(to Charles)
See, commoners!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!
CHARLES
He’s even taken his pet to see us…
NOEL EDMONDS
Your Majesty, there’s an injustice in the World and, being truthful, Your Highness…you’re the only man who can solve them for me!
CHARLES
(half-listening)
Yes, yes, ‘Talking to Plants’ is going to be on the language syllabus as of September…at least it will be if the Briefcase Man wants to keep his job…
NOEL EDMONDS
No, Your Majesty, but if it replaces Welsh in Wales, I’ll be a very hap-
NOEL EDMONDS
You need to do something big in your first year at the top. Tony Blair most likely finger-blasted a Spice Girl, Trump made Mexico great again and Biden didn’t die! But I have your crowning and defining moment for you…
CHARLES
Go on…
NOEL EDMONDS
We can take back a little piece of America for Britain…
CHARLES
What part?
NOEL EDMONDS
The GUNS arena!
CHARLES
Hmmm, that’d be good, we take away their guns, we can do what we wanted to do in 1813, I can be the jewel of the Saxe-Cothe-Gotha dynasty!
CHARLES (CONT'D)
The jewel of the Windsor dynasty!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!
CHARLES
Your dog speaks?
NOEL EDMONDS
He competes, he’s integral to this. We need to take down Off the Wagon, a team of reprobates that probably don’t even know the drinking game God Save the King, let alone the words to your iconic song! If we just beat these two people, we can show them what for on their Memorial Day!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!!!!
CAMILLA
Does he have a muzzle? Is he Sphinx dog? His markings though…they remind me of…didn’t one of your ancestors have the clap, Chaz? Went to see his physician in Whitechapel and the quack sorted out the issue?
CHARLES
(hand-waves)
Yes, yes, Camilla, get the easy point in. What do you need from us?
NOEL EDMONDS
Not too much, about forty-thousand pounds…we need to train.
CHARLES
Is that how much bread is these days? I’d have thought it be more….
CAMILLA
It’ll decimate the Royal Sock Treasury though…
CHARLES
But we can begin to reclaim the colonies, what’s more important than that, Camilla?
CAMILLA
Famine, World Peace…
CHARLES
Yes, yes but that doesn’t affect ME, does it?
NOEL EDMONDS
We’ll also need to be dressed accordingly to represent the Crown.
CHARLES
Will that be more?
NOEL EDMONDS
Not too much, your highness, maybe another twenty-five thousand pounds, why squibble over the small numbers. Make it thirty if it’s easier…
CHARLES
Of course. If you’re victorious, where will you send your hostages?
NOEL EDMONDS
Well, nowhere they don’t know. One will go to Minnesota…
CAMILLA
Old Michigan, Charles…
CHARLES smiles.
NOEL EDMONDS
The other will have to go back to Australia.
CHARLES
Convict is he? Let me think, what would my father do.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, BLOBBOBOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB
CHARLES
What did it say?
NOEL EDMONDS
Your father would offend them in a sentence and then go to his Masonic Meeting.
CHARLES
Quite. We should probably leave the last part out….but if you win the war, how will people it’s my doing?
NOEL EDMONDS
You could always knight us, your Highness.
CHARLES
Fine, fine but I’m afraid your friend isn’t British so we can’t knight him…he’ll have to take a lesser honor. Baron of Slough okay?
NOEL EDMONDS
(Eager)
Of course, Your Majesty.
CHARLES
Very well, my valet will deal with it before you leave. For Crown and Country, dear boy.
NOEL EDMONDS
For crown and country.
INT. “DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B’S STATELY HOME - DAY
“DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B
That’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiclous!
NOEL EDMONDS
But it’s going to happen and we’ll need your help and Jabroni’s…
“DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B
He phoned me this morning, he’s trying to set the record for the largest orgy ever recorded.
NOEL EDMONDS
Parody title?
“DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B
Of course. Anything, Anywhere, All at Once…
NOEL EDMONDS
We know it isn’t going to be easy, Off the Wagon are tough nuts to crack and we’ve been slumming it a bit but we’re still Champions. We just need a big win and we’re back on our feet with sponsors coming out of our ears.
“DISCO BOY” JOHNNY B
They’re playing mind-games all over though. Their promo was one thing but this looks to be a straight tag-team match, no chance of chaos means you’re on the backfoot.
NOEL EDMONDS
I’m sure we’ll come up with something, Johnny, we always do. Maybe I'll learn to wrestle.
FADE OUT as all three laugh at the absurdity of EDMONDS' comment.