Post by Venom 🕷 on May 30, 2023 13:52:59 GMT -5
GUNS Arena.
Exterior.
The area that previously acted as a parking lot near the front entrance, is now a giant chasm. It appears to be lined with broken glass, barbwire, and spikes – resembling the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi. Far more sinister than a giant alien mouth, it is actually a sinkhole that threatens the structural integrity of the arena itself. A handful of wooden planks make up a bridge across the hundred-foot gorge – which doesn’t inspire confidence. As such, most traffic into the arena – talent and fans alike, are using the back entrance. Stepping to the edge of this sinister hole, is CAR’s favourite self-proclaimed orphan being pursued by a rival team.
Ollie Oldham: Come back here, Tinto, that is very dangerous.
The caution tape that had been set-up around the rim, has already started to fall into the abyss. The little boy is undeterred.
Tinto: I am going to win the X*Crown-
Marty Donovan: Who needs that lousy title-
Tinto: Mister Zoran believes in me!
With that the little boy starts to march off along the wooden planks towards GUNS Arena. Ollie starts to follow him, but the boards don’t sound like they could support the weight of anyone who isn’t a malnourished child. The Reedy Creek Racing crew look on helplessly as the boy charges forward.
Ollie Oldham: You have to stop him-
Marty Donovan: You think I don’t want to? But I vowed... to NEVER step foot in GUNS again.
Ollie Oldham: But without you there to protect him, Fox will tear that sweet little angel apart.
Disney’s Own looks incredibly conflicted. It might have something to do with the fact that he is standing three feet from the very pit that once nearly cost him his career. It’s very appearance like a sick joke, enrages him. Fucking Zoran. Still, Marty has to do something for Tinto... and pulls out his phone. Thumbing through his contacts, Donovan quickly passes Raven-Symoné, Michael Eisner, Robert Iger, and Pete’s Dragon Elliot – before landing on a number marked *****BLOCKED. It is underlined. Marty wavers for a second, wondering if this solution might be worse than the problem. Tinto disappears into GUNS Arena. Sighing, he has no choice. CALLING: BLOCKED.
Ollie Oldham: Who is it?
Marty Donovan (lifting phone to ear): ...The Magic Kingdom takes care of its own.
Welcome to the Gun Show! GUNS arena is packed to the rafters of screaming fans. We pan around and see signs like “Blobby is Royalty,” “Fox is a Fox,” and “Zoran isn’t dead.” We pan to ringside and find Magnus and Tom Phillips ready for duty.
Magnus: Welcome!
Phillips: And thank you for tuning in.
Magnus: Our show tonight is stacked.
Phillips: Yes it is. We have the XHF Tag Team Titles on the line for you.
Magnus: And more importantly the X*Crown is still here!
Phillips: Indeed it is, and it’s time for our first match.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Phillips:The Champ is here just days before he defends in SCCW. I’m sure he’s got a match lined up if he’s out here, but who?
Magnus: Don’t look at me. Making him jump through hopes is Venoms thing and he doesn’t tell me anything.
The lights in GUNS arena go out. A hush takes over the crowd and when they come back on a tiny man stands on the stage. The crowd begins to mumble. The longest time XHF fans are a buzz as they recognize what can only be former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Red! The small man runs down the ramp and slides in. Those who recognize the one time champ begin to applaud while the rest are googling to figure out just who this niche wrestler is.
Magnus: If my eyes don’t deceive me that is a former colleague of mine.
Phillips: If I’m correct it is indeed. He goes by the name of Red.
Magnus: That’s right. This guy was an excellent striker and defeated Venom for the Junior Heavyweight Title in his first reign.
Red walks right into the face, well, chest of the Champion and begins jaw jacking the much younger opponent. El Rey lets out a chuckle and turns and yells at the announcers desk “is this all that’s left.” Red looks clearly upset and shoves El Rey hard in the chest. El Rey stumbles slightly and laughs it off. El Rey motions for Red to bring on more and Red quickly responds with another shove, this time putting all his might into it, and El Rey stumbles back into the ropes. El Rey uses the momentum and bounces off nailing the diminutive Red with a big boot that flips him in the air. El Rey quickly covers. 1…2…3!
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet, EL REEEEEEEY!
Phillips: That escalated quickly
Magnus: Yeah I think Red may want to dust the rust off a little more next time before he gets in the ring with someone like El Rey
Phillips: Or maybe just don’t and stay retired.
Magnus: Solid advice.
Night. Floodlights illuminate the Sarlacc Pit. A figure stands before it. Slowly, it raises its arm and throws something into the fanged depths.
A funeral wreath.
??: Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Death Trap to death.
The figure turns. Bloodied Fox is lit from above like some sinister angel.
Fox: Admittedly this would have been more poetic if we hadn't seen you getting fished out of there by your wife and her wacky sidekick squad. Still, given you're now stuck driving for CAR your career is certainly dead even if you aren't. The only other wrestler down there is Marty Donovan, the man who took the rare feat of beating me clean at a global event and turned it into a grand total of fucking nothing. For all your lectures, all your posturing, your vaunted mercy for a man who never deserved it has taken you to irrelevance.
Fox lifts something to appear in the light: a new custom X*Crown title belt depicting a crowned vulpine skull on an X, gold inlaid on red.
Fox: This is beyond you now. This is mine, and it will remain mine. But that will not be for want of others getting a shot. Tonight, main event, open challenge for the X*Crown. Let's see who's ready to burn in my light.
Magnus: Did Fox just lay out the challenge to anyone?
Phillips: Sure seems like it.
Magnus: I don’t like this. Anyone could show up and take that Crown away from us!
MEANWHILE... ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SARLACC PIT.
Wheels roll up to the rickety wooden planks that function as a makeshift bridge.
"STATE YOUR BUSINESS."
O.B.R.C. blocks the way to the wooden planks.
"I have to tear BEEF's head off. Now if you'll excuse me... you're in my way."
O.B.R.C.: Negative. This entrance is not up to code, and access is restricted. GUNS Management thanks you for using the back door.
Redmond Fury: Well the back entrance doesn't have a ramp, does it?
After BEEF's cowardly attack, Redmond Fury has been confined to a wheelchair.
O.B.R.C.: Checking engineering specifications, please stand by.
Redmond Fury: You can check all you want, the only way for me to use the makeshift entrance... is to crawl.... and the Buckeye Bruiser doesn't crawl. This might not be safe, but if its standing between me and my Phoenix championship - I'll plough through it. Thank you for the warning, but I'll take my chances.
With that the Mister GUNS starts to roll towards GUNS Arena.
O.B.R.C.: Access denied.
The Off Branded One uses an aluminum fist to shove Fury back.
Redmond Fury: I'm not here to fight you, but I won't back down.
O.B.R.C.: Unfortunate.
Not Quite RoboCop kicks Fury in the stomach, causing his wheelchair to roll away from the planks.
Exploding, Fury uses his 36 inch pythons to spin his wheels at rocket speeds - charging into the off brand robot. O.B.R.C. tries to use the spork that shoots out of his hand for interface purposes to stab the unruly cripple, no doubt an exterminate on sight command that Magnus programmed the tin man for when confronted by Fury. Reaching up, Fury snaps the spork off - then twisting the arm, tosses O.B.R.C. over the edge with a DUST OFF.
Sylvia Starr: Your winner, Redmond Fury!
Sadly being the closest thing that GUNS has to a babyface - sorry Nelly - and recognizing that O.B.R.C. is just doing its job - Fury hangs onto the robot. Hoisting the mechanical man up before he can fall too far. The point has been made. Fury tosses the robot back onto the safety of the ground.
Redmond Fury: Now if you'll excuse me... I know some BEEF that needs to be tenderiz-
Before Fury can get onto the wooden planks, BEEF shows up behind him and shoves his wheelchair over the edge-
Redmond Fury: BEEeeeeeeeee*
Fury disappears into the abyss.
BEEF: Fury, you ever get your crippled ass out of that pit - and I'll be HAPPY to defend the Phoenix against you at Night of Champions. It's pretty steep though. I suspect you'll have to crawl.
O.B.R.C.: Is the unit designated BEEF still allegedly doing this to protect GUNS from Fury?
BEEF: Nah, we're past that.
The muscle builder spits down into the darkness.
Magnus: Can everyone just stay away from that damn pit! I don’t want to get sued.
Phillips: Again.
Magnus: Shh. We signed an NDA.
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue. Soon Blobby and Noel Edmonds walk out on stage dressed as Beefeaters. The crowd is a mumble of confusion as the American crowd don’t seem to know what they’re dressed as. The dynamic duo make their way to the ring and wait for their opponents.
Magnus: What the hell are they dressed as Tom?
Phillips: My notes say they’re dressed as Beefeaters.
Magnus: What is that?
Phillips: I don’t in fact know.
Magnus: Whatever it is this is a brilliant plan to cover some of Blobby’s spots. They’ll have no idea what to do with half a twister map!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Magnus: I owe these guys a lot for the favors they’ve done for me, but this is exactly why I recruited the Crinkly Bottom Boys to win big matches like this.
Phillips: I know you have a lot of faith in the Boys, but Off the Wagon have been on a roll and are double championships, while CBB have not been on such a roll.
Magnus: That makes this the perfect time to turn it all around.
Kris Quake starts the match for Off the Wagon and walks right up to Mr. Blobby who starts for CBB. Quake looks Blobby up and down looking for the spots, but the Beefeaters uniform has most of the spots covered up. Quake shrugs and begins beating away at the stomach of Blobby. Blobby eats each punch like it’s nothing and soon Quake is worn out. He takes a deep breath and sends a hard right to the face of Blobby. Quake’s fist ricochets back and makes him stumble back into the ropes and bounces off back at Blobby and Blobby wipes him out with a cross body. Blobby holds on for the pin. Quake’s legs flail like crazy trying to get free, and kicks out at two.
Magnus: We we’re that close to holding all
of the global belts!
Phillips: But the veteran instincts kicked in and we’re still rolling.
Magnus: Speaking if rolling. What is Quake doing?
Quake retreats by rolling out of the ring as Blobby gets back to his feet in the center of the ring. Quake shakes his head in frustration and walks over to the steps and walks up them and stands next to his partner Randy Angel. He whispers in his partners ear while Blobby stares at him like a pastel nightmare. Quake steps back through the ropes and tags in his partner. Randy steps in and walks slowly up to Mr. Blobby. Quake begins screaming at the ref to distract him. As the ref changes his attention Randy Angel spits booze into the eyes of Blobby! Blobby does not react and the camera zooms in and watches as the liquor pours down Blobby’s face. Randy looks on in horror and doesn’t block as Blobby nails him with a body splash. Randy doubles over and Blobby grabs him and whips him over into the corner.
Magnus: Blobby no selling is what nightmares are made of.
Phillips: Oh. Look here. There’s a Beefeater Gin. You think CBB is angling for a sponsorship like Off the Wagon?
Magnus: Are you even watching the match Tom?
Blobby follows in with a hip check followed by the tag to Noel. Noel comes in, measures Randy up, and runs landing a knee strike to the face of Randy. Noel tags in Blobby again and the pink nightmare pulls Randy up by the wrists and the drives Randy back into the corner with a full body splash. Randy is sandwiched as Blobby reaches up and again makes the tag to Noel. Noel walks to the center of the ring and taunts Quake before turning back to Randy. Again Noel measures up his drunken opponent and charges, but Randy springs up and nails the game show host with a huge clothesline.
Magnus: Noel waited too long there. Tag in Blobby before it’s too late!
Phillips: This Gin is made London, and they even had flavors.
Magnus: Stop it Tom! There’s an important match on.
Phillips: I’m down the rabbit hole I can’t stop now.
Noel is flipped inside out and Randy begins to crawl to his corner to make the tag. Noel begins to stir and crawl towards Blobby. Randy doves and makes the tag and in comes Quake! Quake runs across the ring, passed Noel, and sliding drop kicks the legs of Blobby knocking him off the apron before Noel can make the tag. Noel looks up where Blobby was and shakes his head. He slowly gets to his feet and turns right into Quake. Noel begs off, but Quake isn’t having it. Noel then points up at the lights, quake looks up, and Noel delivers Sweet Shin Music!
Magnus: What a shot by Noel! This might be over.
Phillips: Beefeaters are quite fascinating.
Magnus: Damn it Tom, no one cares.
Quake grabs his shin and stands on one foot. Noel takes advantage and runs and hits the ropes and comes back with the Swap Shop! Unfortunately, it barely connects and while Noel is celebrating Quake is quickly back to his feet. Noel again turns into an awaiting Quake and this time Quake doesn’t hesitate and clocks Noel in the face. Noel grabs his face and doubles over. Quake quickly grabs Noel with double under hooks and lands Park Place! Blobby struggles to get into the ring as Quake makes the cover 1…2…Blobby makes it through the ropes, but NO…3!
Sylvia Starr: Your winners and STILL XHF Tag Team Championships, Off the WAGON!
Magnus: Nooooo!
Phillips: They did it. The wiley veterans pulled it off.
Magnus: But I wanted all of the global belts!
Phillips: Off the Wagon stomped on that dream tonight.
Our scene opens in a back room of the GUNS Arena. The decoration is all over the place. One wall is made to look like a scene from Planet Earth. One wall shows the Pyramids. The ceiling is painted with the bottom of the alien ship from Independence Day. The floor is made to look like a fossil bed with Triceratops bones imbedded in it. The other walls remain out of sight but we see adorable baby puppies wearing collars saying "Too Cute" on them, running around. We hear the sounds of various TV cooks making meals and talking to cameras from behind this camera. From out of the pyramids bursts forth (through the door to the room obviously) a familiar face... to the GUNS faithful.
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: Well ... well well well ... my brethren, my faithful, my... *inhales* magnificent macro cosmos! This is truly a time worthy of celebration. We need to get Michiu Kaku and Giorgio Tsoukalos here to do another historical documentary ... to preserve this moment ... for all to watch ... On Discovery+ OR MAX! My power only grows mightier, with the fall of HBO and my representative content being loaded onto their service to usurp their crying eyeballs. Discovery+ now has two captive audiences.
He snickers and laughs!
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: How ... delightful. Here on this little corner of Planet Earth, where we can find such Good Eats and Too Cute animals ... Atlanta, the hotbed of GUNS and the site of the streaming wars. WARS! I might add. That I am winning. Look around. The House of Mouse has run and fallen from his pedestal, the Paramount Trekker has left for places no man has gone before ... and been worth watching. Who among the streaming wars is left to stand before the scientific historical might of me. The Ancient Alien. I even managed to usurp the Disney gimmick last show! That pit is now my secret base ... er ... that is to say it's gone. Don't find me. I have DEFENSES! COSMIC DEFENSES! At the ready. And while Zoran Sainovic eluded me. I made a new friend!
He covers his mouth with glee and smiles. He points to the side of the room where a man emerges from the shadowy corners.
Death Trap: Hey uh ... this is getting weird. I ... just needed a way into the building and you seemed to be able to get me here. I'm ... gonna go. But uh, keep doing what you're doing! Great work with the streaming. Alton Brown is great, give him more to do!
DT clicks his tongue and points the finger guns at the alien. He then walks out the door ...
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: WAIT! I MADE ... PYRAMID CAKES! GORDON RAMSEY APPROVED THEM! HE ONLY CALLED ME OUT ONCE FOR BEING AN IDIOT SANDWICH!
We cut to a camera in the hallways of the arena and catch DT walking out of the room. He shudders then looks into the camera.
Death Trap: Rumors of my demise ... have been greatly exaggerated.
He turns to walk down the hallway still talking.
Death Trap: Fox! I don't like when people punch down. I don't know why you suddenly think so poorly of CAR ... you seemed so supportive of HR Car-Wolf. But I'll chalk it up to the same brain damage that is making you work with Lord Albinominicus and the Infraggable Krunk. I don't know if you've become so dense you can't see you're being used, or if you've become so jaded and egomaniacal that you don't care. But I want you to know ... I'm not giving up on you. You may think you can give up on me, call me over the hill, denigrate my abilities, distance yourself from me because I have to drive a car ... once a month. In probably the safest damn fed on the Network ledger ... despite Memaw ...
DT stops and looks back at the camera as he heads towards Gorilla position
Death Trap: But Fox ... you can't just pity your way out of this. I went through hell to get back here. This whole persona shift began because you just couldn't get over being stabbed. And then you couldn't get over Zoran. He was too much for you ... and then your only win over him was apparently him faking injuries to fuck with everyone. Must be rough. But need I remind you I earned my shot at ANthony Caffrey and his crown ... by going through Zoran. I've never lost to him, it's why he's so oddly obsessed with me being family. After all who could logically beat Zoran but someone on his level. But you... you're no Zoran. You aren't rotten to the core. Despite current attitudes. And maybe I'm a fool for trying to save you, to bring you back, to make you see the error of your ways. And maybe taking your title won't snap you out of it, it'll just enrage you and send you after me again.
He shrugs
Death Trap: But... I've survived Mongo's shenanigans. I survived a tour in SWAT where they literally tried to kill me every show. I've become the biggest thorn in the sides of the von Krauss dynasty. I wiped the floor with Soutter and his mooks. Just about the only bugaboo I have left, the only black mark on my current ledger ... is Hyperion. Though admittedly I still have Donzig who I'm sure would love to try and murder me if he weren't so tied up in his own business. And hey ...you've beaten DOnzig! And you survived Hyperion with some help. So maybe this will be a fun challenge. But no, you don't do fun anymore. I wonder ... how does it feel to become Seth Dillinger?
He lets that hang in the air for a minute
Death Trap: Fox ... I'm coming for your title. If I have to go through Magnus and Venom to do it? SO be it. If I have to take the win at Overheated and beat you AND some other wrestlers at NOC? Fine. But you cannot evade me. You and I are on a collision course. The rumble cannot be the end of it. Maybe I'll see what you have planned out there tonight, huh?
He walks away from the camera and out through the side curtains towards the crowd area.
The house lights dim, the GUNSTron lighting up…
Bite my tongue, bide my time,
Wearing a warning sign.
Wait 'til the world is mine.
As Billie Eilish begins to sing, the tron shows black and white images from throughout the early period of Bloodied Fox’s XHF career. With AWF being defunct, hopefully the footage was cheap.
Visions I vandalize,
Cold in my kingdom size.
Fell for these ocean eyes…
The NLW era is next (so ditto on the cheap footage hopes), leading through into the events of the 2023 Rumble.
You should see me in a crown.
I'm gonna run this nothing town.
Watch me make 'em bow,
One by one by one
One by one by…
The crowd boo as they watch Fox eliminate Dylan to win the X*Crown.
You should see me in a crown.
Your silence is my favorite sound.
Watch me make 'em bow,
One by one by one.
One by one by one.
The screen goes black and the song cuts off. The arena lights go red.
The harsh electronic beats and screeched vocals of Fox’s new entrance theme Vore by Sleep Token slam into the speakers as the sinisterly masked figure of Bloodied Fox steps from behind the curtain, flanked by his fellow Illuminati King Submaxiswear and SEIRIOS. He raises his newly customised X*Crown title belt high to the jeers of the fans. His face hidden, he turns his head to survey the people he feels betrayed him and then stalks down to the ring. Sliding in, he rises to one knee before tearing off his mask and looking around with narrowed gaze at all in attendance as he once more holds his prize aloft.
Phillips: Well, our new X*Crown champion is here. Whether you like him or not, Bloodied Fox did what he set out to do and holds the top belt in our sport.
Magnus: I certainly like him!
Phillips: You just like that he isn’t Zoran.
Magnus: That’s still an entirely valid reason, Tom.
The X*crown champion stands in the centre of the ring, with Submaxiswear and SEIRIOS looming behind me.
Bloodied Fox: There is a rumour going around that at the GUNS April Fools special, Zoran let me beat him. LET ME. Like he took the ass kicking of the year as a prank to mock me. Preposterous. As if that pathetic old man had a say in the matter! But to put all your minds at ease, I am all for MURDERING HIM AGAIN TONIGHT!
The crowd is electric at the prospect of a forth encounter between the bitter rivals.
Bloodied Fox: I need an X*Crown defence tonight, so COME ON DOWN!
Phillips: Brave words, but no one has seen Zoran since Death Trap fed him to the Sarlacc-
Magnus: Don’t give that monster a title shot! We were finally safe!
The house lights go down.
Magnus: NO!
The crowd cheer their heads off at this impromptu bloodbath... then the DOOM 64 theme pumps over the PA system and everyone dies.
Phillips: That’s not Zoran-
Mister RIP’N’TERROR – by any other name Tinto in a mask – pushes through the backstage curtains. The beloved CAR orphan, who is hated in GUNS for stealing the Phoenix title, flexes his imaginary muscles and makes a mean face at the Illuminati.
Bloodied Fox: What the hell is this?
Mister RIP'N'Terror (voice going up an octave): Your worst nightmare........ PUNK!
The villainous trio have to look genuinely upset for a painfully long amount of time, as it takes the seven-year-old boy a while to run down the aisle with his short legs.
Phillips: I was expecting a CAR representative, but not this one!
Magnus: Why can’t GUNS champions ever defend against GUNS stars?
Phillips: A good argument for GUNS to get a slot at Overheated...
The little boy eventually climbs over the top rope, one rung at a time. Attacking before the bell, Tinto lays into Fox with a series of karate chops, which are clearly martial arts because he says “HEEEEEaaaaaw” before each strike. For his part, Fox completely no sells the attack, turning to his colleagues.
Bloodied Fox: No. This is beneath my championship.
Submaxiswear: A win is a win!
Trying to impart on Fox that he shouldn’t look gift defences in the mouth, Submaxiswear lifts Tinto up by the arm. This rough treatment of a child, even the hated outsider RNT, makes the audience uncomfortable enough to start throwing food at the ring. Apparently they aren’t the only ones unhappy with the rough handling of the boy.
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT!”
Crowd: “OXYCODINE!”
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?”
Crowd: “OXYCODINE!”
Your friendly neighbourhood drug dealing Florida Man charges out of the back, to a hero’s welcome!
Florida Man: Sorry Florida-By-Way-Of-Atlanta Nation, I gotz a feeling that when I’m finished with this chump, Foxie is gonna need all of my oxy!
Keeping them from getting their fix, another reason to hate Fox!
Florida Man (still stomping down the aisle): After weeks of waiting, I getz me some of them X-ray specs you see advertised in the back of them medical journals, and I’m about to use my new super power to strike rich on scratch’n’win tickets – when who should call me, but my Epcot brother from another mother. (pointing at Fox) You ain’t down with the house of mouse! Marty told me all about how you hate trans kids, Petey, and how you were fixin’ to send one to conversion therapy.
Bloodied Fox (spitting mad): If you trust a word out of Donovan’s mouth, you’re even more brain damaged than we all took you to be.
Florida Man (stopping to sign a woman’s Dan Marino tattoo): Yet here I catch you red handed... PUT THE LITTLE GIRL DOWN!
Tinto: I’m a boy!
Florida Man: That’s the spirit! You can be anything you want to be.
Sneering, Submaxiswear tosses the kicking Tinto to SEIRIOS – the hulking brute holding the child firmly.
Tinto: No fair, I was going to win you cheaters!
Florida Man: My Sunshine State Kingdom is wide and diverse, we might have more than our share of rotten apples, on account of how MASSIVE it is, but we ain’t all that way. So I’m not gonna stand for your homophobia, Foxie – and if you’re looking for a dance partner? (crotch thrust to emphasize each word) I’m. Hot. To. Trot!
Bloodied Fox: You fucking moron. Why on earth would I give you a shot, you pathetic joke! The last time we met, I remember knocking you out.
Florida Man (gator smile): Yeah, but the last time we met for a strap- I’m pretty sure I took it. So what’s the hold up... unless you’re worried about... developing a complex?
Mother. Fucker. Fox nods to the referee over Submaxiwear’s objections. SEIRIOS and Submaxiwear exit the ring, holding Tinto at ringside like the kind of villains you find in 8-bit videogames. FML slides under the bottom rope, lunatic and champion charging one another before the bell.
Phillips: The bell hasn’t even rung yet, and already it’s haymaker city!
Magnus: Neither man giving an inch-
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: We’re officially underway, and referee Charles Crane warning them about the closed fists – but his instructions falling on deaf ears! I doubt either man even knows he’s there.
Magnus: A lot of bad blood between these two – stemming from the croc ending Fox’s EPIC junior title run.
Phillips: Can lightning strike twice?
Magnus: IT BETTER NOT! I’m not losing the crown to J-RoK!
The brawl around the ring continues, the two men trading shot for shot. No sooner does a heavy right from FML knock Fox into the ropes, then the champion hooks the neck, and reverses positions – firing off a vicious left jab as a receipt. Florida Man tries to bounce off with a roundhouse right, but Fox ducks under it – snapping off a spinning elbow that rocks the challenger into the corner. Following up, Fox unleashes a combination of rapid-fire fists. The flourish ends with a big wind-up, only for the Floridian to counter with a jumping knee. Fox staggers back, but still has the presence of mind to bring his arms up to block a second knee.
Phillips: The amount of big impact hits makes this looks more like Mixed Martial Arts than wrestling-
Magnus: No surprise there. The last time these two met was in GUNS Fight Club’s season 1 semi-final. Florida was a favourite, but Fox took him out on the way to winning the whole thing.
The two men begin rolling around on the canvas, fighting over a guard, and taking turns ground and pounding.
Magnus: Apparently Florida was invited back to season 2, but when he found out he’d be on Fox’s team – he responded with a dick in a box.
Phillips: JESUS!
Magnus: Dust couldn’t figure out if that was a confirmation or polite decline, so kept the Floridian from joining that season.
Phillips: What happened to the dick?
Magnus: We signed it to a development contract for season 5...
Showing no signs of slowing down, the two men continue to punch away, despite a bloody nose and mask respectively. Florida shifts his weight controlling the mount again, only for Fox to hook the arm and turn it into an inside cradle... 1... 2... big kickout. As both men get back up to their feet, Fox fires off a shining wizard – only for Florida to duck the kick, hook the leg, and dump him with a small package for 1... 2... big kickout. Both men scramble back up again, only this time Florida Man goes for a jumping knee. Sidestepping the knee, and hooking the leg, Fox brings him over with an anklelock. Howling like Goofy crotching himself on a cactus, FML scrambles for the ropes-
Magnus: Fox wrenching back on that ankle, he is not messing around.
Phillips: Florida manages to get to the ropes, Crane giving the champion a five count to break – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5- Fox not letting go.
Yanking back, Fox peels the Floridian off the ropes, and starts to reapply pressure. Crane’s threat of a disqualification causes Fox to let go, only to immediately hook the ankle again. Only Florida Man manages to mule kick him off. Fox immediately charges back, only to take a second mule kick, which sends him into the corner. Hopping on one foot, Florida limps after for a handspring senton – but Fox catches him by the waist and plants him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. A Saito Suplex gets 1... 2... before Florida Man gets into the ropes. Building momentum, the champion starts to hit his Devil Sequence – only for Florida Man to backdrop him over the top rope.
Phillips: Florida Man sends Bloodied Fox to the outside – no, he lands on the apron.
Magnus: They know each other well. The J-RoK star going for a closeline, but Fox ducks it, and pulls Florida Man throat first across the ropes. Damn near takes his head off.
Phillips: Florida down, and Fox using the ropes to come back in- AIR VULPINE!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-kickout.
Not looking to entertain Florida Man’s challenge further, Fox gestures for the Leviathan Suplex.
Magnus: HERE COMES- THE LEVIATH-
Phillips: Reversal! Florida Man twists out and turns it into a MINDBLOWER!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-kickout!
Phillips: That was pretty early for a Leviathan Suplex attempt-
Magnus: Well Fox doesn’t exactly respect Florida Man as a challenger; also, even if the timekeeper says otherwise, those welts on their bodies are looking pretty nasty.
Phillips: They are beating the hell out of each other.
FML kicks Fox’s away from the ropes, then starts stomping away. Prone on the canvas, Fox again goes to their shared Fight Club experience, and goes into a guard. Trying to break it, the croc starts hammering axe kicks – but Fox manages to block, and in a few cases almost grapple the ankle again. Almost tripping trying to pull away from one of these pseudo-ankle locks, Florida decides to take a less precise approach.
Magnus: TOUCH THE SKY!
Florida Man jumps up and down on Bloodied Fox like he was a trampoline, trying to get higher and higher. Still maintaining his guard, blocking a lot of the stomps, but still getting stepped on to an irritating degree. Fox tries to roll out of the way, but may get a rib broken for the trouble. This breaks the guard and leaves him open to another eight brutal hops – finally making it to the top rope, Florida Man dives into it, then throws himself off.
Magnus: LEAP OF FAITH-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Florida Man: *GOOFY GETTING HIS FORESKIN CAUGHT ON A BULLET TRAIN HOWL*
Magnus: Fox getting a knee up-
Phillips: RIGHT to the spine!
Florida Man looks like he landed on his keys. For his part, though holding his ribs in pain, Fox managed to hit the square of the spine. Leaving the knee up, Fox reaches up to apply a makeshift dragon sleeper – less concerned with the choke then pulping Florida Man’s back. Flailing his legs about, more to see if he can still use them then for any practical reason, Florida Man accidentally gets a foot in the ropes. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Again, Fox refuses to break. As Crane again threatens a DQ, Fox pushes off, lifting both men up, before dropping FML with a snap dragon suplex.
Magnus: FOX TRAP SUPLEX-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Again Florida Man in the ropes, but I think it has less to do with breaking the count, then checking if he’s paralyzed from the waist down.
Magnus: It’d be nice if he could use that mobility scooter for more than a weapon...
Grabbing Florida Man by the throat, Fox tosses him into the corner – then proceeds to fire off a series of Kawada kicks for the face wash. The force is enough to tear the top of Florida Man’s mask, a tuff of brown hair visible. The sheer aggression of the assault means that what little hair is visible is soon matted in blood. Rather than defend against the onslaught, Florida instead tries to punch back from a kneeling position. Reach difference means a few more kicks land before he lands a haymaker, but it connects with Fox’s injured right side. Holding his ribs in pain, Fox gasps for air before charging in with another kick – only Florida catches his foot, hitting a dragon screw legsweep that looks like a deathroll. Both men nurse their wounds, but are quick to go back to their brawling.
Phillips: Fox starting to look like he’s getting a black eye, they are really laying into these blows.
#SMACK#
Magnus: VKO!!!!!!!!!
Fox snaps off his signature uppercut pump kick. If Florida Man’s eyes were covered by the mask, they would roll into the back of his head. The gator-faced luchador’s legs go limp, as he is literally out on his feet. Fox starts to go for a second one-
#SMACK#
Phillips: KIRA’S GLASS JAWBREAKER!
Magnus: Learn the move names, Tom.
Phillips: That’s what it says here.
The straight right connects with Fox’s temple. Now the champion’s legs go limp. Both men seem to stand next to each other, possibly concussed, and in a daze.
Phillips: Both men out on their feet-
Before he slumps over, Fox digs deeps and through sheer force of will hits-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SMACK#
Magnus: MDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fox landing on top-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-foot on the ropes.
Shaking off the last shot, Fox slowly gets up – then plants Florida with a saito suplex. Taking a few steps back, Fox waits for Florida to get up – setting up a Bloody Rain!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: BLOODY RAIN-
#SMACK#
Phillips: Wait was that-
Magnus: Florida Man COUNTERING with a V-trigger for-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Big kickout! And Fox looks pissed-
Phillips: Wasn’t that- the Dis-knee?
Magnus: Just because Marty calls it that Tom, doesn’t mean the move is actually named th- wait- it was the Dis-knee!
Starring daggers at Florida Man, Bloodied Fox gets back up to his feet.
Phillips: What if it isn’t Florida Man at all- but Marty Donovan wearing the croc mask, as a work around to avoid slumming it in GUNS?
Magnus: That is certainly what Fox is thinking, and the champ is seeing red!
Florida Man: I love Disney Puss!
Phillips: Did he say pus?
Magnus: Okay, so it’s not Marty Donovan under the mask. Frankly if Marty had been under it, that Dis-knee would have been a lot more effective. Still, the challenger seems to have gotten under the champion’s skin.
Livid, and just as happy to maim Marty as he is Florida, Fox shoots in again-
Magnus: Fox going for another MD- whoa! Florida hits a – DIETYDT!!!!!!!!
Phillips: Isn’t that-
Magnus: A Misha Constantine signature! I thought they were dead, but could it be that rather than become the ruler of Hell, Misha instead decided to don a crocodile mask and win the Junior title off Fox, just to frustrate his brother-in-law’s title record?
Phillips: That certainly sounds more plausible.
Florida Man climbs up to the top, calling for an Irae Dei – which the crowd is eating up. Jumping to his feet, and out for blood, Fox charges into the ropes. Rather than fall, Florida Man dives off beforehand, landing on his feet. Fox ducks under a Undyne’s spear, spins and catches Florida with a neckbreaker. Transitioning into a full mount, Fox starts to throw down a series of palm strikes – before focusing on ripping Florida Man’s mask.
Magnus: Rather than go for a pin, the champion trying to remove the mask of Florida Man.
Phillips: I’m not sure I buy the Marty or Misha moves, but even if they were head games, the champ is out for blood.
Magnus: The most celebrated title reign in modern XHF history was ended by a comedic buffoon who seemingly came out of nowhere. That doesn’t add up. A lot of people think that under that mask, Florida Man has a lot more pedigree than he lets on – but this is the first time he’s actively teased it.
Phillips: Well I hope the secret was worth it, because Fox is about to reveal the croc’s real identity!
The mask tears more – though revealing details are still caked in blood. Fingers digging under the torn corners, Fox tries to pull harder – but leaves himself open to a shotei.
Magnus: PRESSURE POINT! And a second knocks Fox off him.
Phillips: So it’s Sainovic!?
Magnus: No way, I’ve seen that bastard Zoran and that bastard Florida Man at the same time, it’s a bluff.
A third shotei knocks Fox to the canvas. Spitting blood, Fox tries to reach up to claw at the mask again – wondering which one of his enemies were responsible for the JHC flag insult. Knocking the arm aside, then hooking the other, Florida Man straps on a cattle mutilation.
Magnus: ... An Ode to Alex Trebek.
Phillips: Too soon. Wait, who’s is that-
Magnus: Keith Williams.
Feeling the move, and knowing its source, Fox lets out a stream of obscenities that really aren’t appropriate within earshot of a small child. The small child in question is Tinto, who bites SEIRIOS’ arm to get free – and enters the ring.
Phillips: Wait, here comes Tinto!
Magnus: He probably thinks it's a three-way-dance or something.
That is exactly what the little boy thinks, and that X*Crown is his!
Tinto: I fooled you- and now I am the fresh man-
Submaxiswear: Get back here you little shit!
Not wanting his charge to retain on a disqualification, Submaxiswear reaches under the ropes and trips the child. Tinto tries to kick the adult off him, so he can join the match, and inevitably win the crown. Having none of it, Submaxiswear grabs the child by the throat throttling him.
Phillips: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
Magnus: ...we are going to lose so many sponsors...
Letting go of the Ode to Alex Trebek, Florida Man limps across the ring, hitting a dropkick to the face that causes Submaxiswear to let go of the child, and possibly require some dental work. The crowd cheers. Florida Man checks on Tinto, who responds to the save with a karate chop – because he’s still in this – fortunately he has the strength of a seven-year-old and the chop doesn’t effect the possible ReVenant.
Phillips: When did you ever think you’d see Florida Man as the responsible adult?
Magnus: That is even more suspect then his stolen moves-
Content that Tinto is still in one piece, Florida Man turns back to his opponent-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One.
Two.
Tinto tries to make the save, but his legs are so short.
Three.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL X*CROWN CHAMPION...
BLOODIED FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tinto tries to keep the fight going, but Fox just shoves him away.
Magnus: Fox with an impressive first defence, puts down a challenge by the man who ended his junior run – whoever he is. Let that be a lesson to J-RoK, mess with GUNS, and you’re going to get cut.
Phillips: Well I thought Florida Man put up an impressive fight, and President Nausicaa is going to be hard pressed denying him their company’s Overheated shot after this contest.
Magnus: Wait, Fox doesn’t look like he’s finished.
Kneeling next to an unconscious Florida Man, Bloodied Fox starts to rip the mask further.
Phillips: Here we go!
Magnus: Who is it-
The camera pulls in for a tight close-up, but just before the gator face can be ripped off- Florida Man is yanked out of the ring. The world’s strongest little girl’s bicycle, The Ultimate Warrior, being ridden by Gazoo – pulls Florida Man away from Fox’s vicious machinations. With Submaxiwear and SEIRIOS recovering to cut the makeshift troop off, Warrior snarls – snatches Tinto as well – and the Epcot Mafia take flight. As the beaten Florida Man is carried away, Bloodied Fox looks ready to kill someone.
Phillips: If looks could kill-
Magnus: I don’t know about darkest timeline, but with Fox at the helm, it’s definitely going to rain blood.
Exterior.
The area that previously acted as a parking lot near the front entrance, is now a giant chasm. It appears to be lined with broken glass, barbwire, and spikes – resembling the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi. Far more sinister than a giant alien mouth, it is actually a sinkhole that threatens the structural integrity of the arena itself. A handful of wooden planks make up a bridge across the hundred-foot gorge – which doesn’t inspire confidence. As such, most traffic into the arena – talent and fans alike, are using the back entrance. Stepping to the edge of this sinister hole, is CAR’s favourite self-proclaimed orphan being pursued by a rival team.
Ollie Oldham: Come back here, Tinto, that is very dangerous.
The caution tape that had been set-up around the rim, has already started to fall into the abyss. The little boy is undeterred.
Tinto: I am going to win the X*Crown-
Marty Donovan: Who needs that lousy title-
Tinto: Mister Zoran believes in me!
With that the little boy starts to march off along the wooden planks towards GUNS Arena. Ollie starts to follow him, but the boards don’t sound like they could support the weight of anyone who isn’t a malnourished child. The Reedy Creek Racing crew look on helplessly as the boy charges forward.
Ollie Oldham: You have to stop him-
Marty Donovan: You think I don’t want to? But I vowed... to NEVER step foot in GUNS again.
Ollie Oldham: But without you there to protect him, Fox will tear that sweet little angel apart.
Disney’s Own looks incredibly conflicted. It might have something to do with the fact that he is standing three feet from the very pit that once nearly cost him his career. It’s very appearance like a sick joke, enrages him. Fucking Zoran. Still, Marty has to do something for Tinto... and pulls out his phone. Thumbing through his contacts, Donovan quickly passes Raven-Symoné, Michael Eisner, Robert Iger, and Pete’s Dragon Elliot – before landing on a number marked *****BLOCKED. It is underlined. Marty wavers for a second, wondering if this solution might be worse than the problem. Tinto disappears into GUNS Arena. Sighing, he has no choice. CALLING: BLOCKED.
Ollie Oldham: Who is it?
Marty Donovan (lifting phone to ear): ...The Magic Kingdom takes care of its own.
BOOM! BANG! POW!
Welcome to the Gun Show! GUNS arena is packed to the rafters of screaming fans. We pan around and see signs like “Blobby is Royalty,” “Fox is a Fox,” and “Zoran isn’t dead.” We pan to ringside and find Magnus and Tom Phillips ready for duty.
Magnus: Welcome!
Phillips: And thank you for tuning in.
Magnus: Our show tonight is stacked.
Phillips: Yes it is. We have the XHF Tag Team Titles on the line for you.
Magnus: And more importantly the X*Crown is still here!
Phillips: Indeed it is, and it’s time for our first match.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Phillips:The Champ is here just days before he defends in SCCW. I’m sure he’s got a match lined up if he’s out here, but who?
Magnus: Don’t look at me. Making him jump through hopes is Venoms thing and he doesn’t tell me anything.
The lights in GUNS arena go out. A hush takes over the crowd and when they come back on a tiny man stands on the stage. The crowd begins to mumble. The longest time XHF fans are a buzz as they recognize what can only be former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Red! The small man runs down the ramp and slides in. Those who recognize the one time champ begin to applaud while the rest are googling to figure out just who this niche wrestler is.
Magnus: If my eyes don’t deceive me that is a former colleague of mine.
Phillips: If I’m correct it is indeed. He goes by the name of Red.
Magnus: That’s right. This guy was an excellent striker and defeated Venom for the Junior Heavyweight Title in his first reign.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet
El Rey (c) vs Red
Red walks right into the face, well, chest of the Champion and begins jaw jacking the much younger opponent. El Rey lets out a chuckle and turns and yells at the announcers desk “is this all that’s left.” Red looks clearly upset and shoves El Rey hard in the chest. El Rey stumbles slightly and laughs it off. El Rey motions for Red to bring on more and Red quickly responds with another shove, this time putting all his might into it, and El Rey stumbles back into the ropes. El Rey uses the momentum and bounces off nailing the diminutive Red with a big boot that flips him in the air. El Rey quickly covers. 1…2…3!
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet, EL REEEEEEEY!
Phillips: That escalated quickly
Magnus: Yeah I think Red may want to dust the rust off a little more next time before he gets in the ring with someone like El Rey
Phillips: Or maybe just don’t and stay retired.
Magnus: Solid advice.
Night. Floodlights illuminate the Sarlacc Pit. A figure stands before it. Slowly, it raises its arm and throws something into the fanged depths.
A funeral wreath.
??: Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Death Trap to death.
The figure turns. Bloodied Fox is lit from above like some sinister angel.
Fox: Admittedly this would have been more poetic if we hadn't seen you getting fished out of there by your wife and her wacky sidekick squad. Still, given you're now stuck driving for CAR your career is certainly dead even if you aren't. The only other wrestler down there is Marty Donovan, the man who took the rare feat of beating me clean at a global event and turned it into a grand total of fucking nothing. For all your lectures, all your posturing, your vaunted mercy for a man who never deserved it has taken you to irrelevance.
Fox lifts something to appear in the light: a new custom X*Crown title belt depicting a crowned vulpine skull on an X, gold inlaid on red.
Fox: This is beyond you now. This is mine, and it will remain mine. But that will not be for want of others getting a shot. Tonight, main event, open challenge for the X*Crown. Let's see who's ready to burn in my light.
Magnus: Did Fox just lay out the challenge to anyone?
Phillips: Sure seems like it.
Magnus: I don’t like this. Anyone could show up and take that Crown away from us!
MEANWHILE... ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SARLACC PIT.
Wheels roll up to the rickety wooden planks that function as a makeshift bridge.
"STATE YOUR BUSINESS."
O.B.R.C. blocks the way to the wooden planks.
"I have to tear BEEF's head off. Now if you'll excuse me... you're in my way."
O.B.R.C.: Negative. This entrance is not up to code, and access is restricted. GUNS Management thanks you for using the back door.
Redmond Fury: Well the back entrance doesn't have a ramp, does it?
After BEEF's cowardly attack, Redmond Fury has been confined to a wheelchair.
O.B.R.C.: Checking engineering specifications, please stand by.
Redmond Fury: You can check all you want, the only way for me to use the makeshift entrance... is to crawl.... and the Buckeye Bruiser doesn't crawl. This might not be safe, but if its standing between me and my Phoenix championship - I'll plough through it. Thank you for the warning, but I'll take my chances.
With that the Mister GUNS starts to roll towards GUNS Arena.
O.B.R.C.: Access denied.
The Off Branded One uses an aluminum fist to shove Fury back.
Redmond Fury: I'm not here to fight you, but I won't back down.
O.B.R.C.: Unfortunate.
Not Quite RoboCop kicks Fury in the stomach, causing his wheelchair to roll away from the planks.
SARLACC PIT DEATH MATCH
Redmond Fury vs. O.B.R.C.
Exploding, Fury uses his 36 inch pythons to spin his wheels at rocket speeds - charging into the off brand robot. O.B.R.C. tries to use the spork that shoots out of his hand for interface purposes to stab the unruly cripple, no doubt an exterminate on sight command that Magnus programmed the tin man for when confronted by Fury. Reaching up, Fury snaps the spork off - then twisting the arm, tosses O.B.R.C. over the edge with a DUST OFF.
Sylvia Starr: Your winner, Redmond Fury!
Sadly being the closest thing that GUNS has to a babyface - sorry Nelly - and recognizing that O.B.R.C. is just doing its job - Fury hangs onto the robot. Hoisting the mechanical man up before he can fall too far. The point has been made. Fury tosses the robot back onto the safety of the ground.
Redmond Fury: Now if you'll excuse me... I know some BEEF that needs to be tenderiz-
Before Fury can get onto the wooden planks, BEEF shows up behind him and shoves his wheelchair over the edge-
Redmond Fury: BEEeeeeeeeee*
Fury disappears into the abyss.
BEEF: Fury, you ever get your crippled ass out of that pit - and I'll be HAPPY to defend the Phoenix against you at Night of Champions. It's pretty steep though. I suspect you'll have to crawl.
O.B.R.C.: Is the unit designated BEEF still allegedly doing this to protect GUNS from Fury?
BEEF: Nah, we're past that.
The muscle builder spits down into the darkness.
Magnus: Can everyone just stay away from that damn pit! I don’t want to get sued.
Phillips: Again.
Magnus: Shh. We signed an NDA.
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue. Soon Blobby and Noel Edmonds walk out on stage dressed as Beefeaters. The crowd is a mumble of confusion as the American crowd don’t seem to know what they’re dressed as. The dynamic duo make their way to the ring and wait for their opponents.
Magnus: What the hell are they dressed as Tom?
Phillips: My notes say they’re dressed as Beefeaters.
Magnus: What is that?
Phillips: I don’t in fact know.
Magnus: Whatever it is this is a brilliant plan to cover some of Blobby’s spots. They’ll have no idea what to do with half a twister map!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Magnus: I owe these guys a lot for the favors they’ve done for me, but this is exactly why I recruited the Crinkly Bottom Boys to win big matches like this.
Phillips: I know you have a lot of faith in the Boys, but Off the Wagon have been on a roll and are double championships, while CBB have not been on such a roll.
Magnus: That makes this the perfect time to turn it all around.
XHF Tag Team Championship Match
Crinkly Bottom Boys vs Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c)
Crinkly Bottom Boys vs Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c)
Kris Quake starts the match for Off the Wagon and walks right up to Mr. Blobby who starts for CBB. Quake looks Blobby up and down looking for the spots, but the Beefeaters uniform has most of the spots covered up. Quake shrugs and begins beating away at the stomach of Blobby. Blobby eats each punch like it’s nothing and soon Quake is worn out. He takes a deep breath and sends a hard right to the face of Blobby. Quake’s fist ricochets back and makes him stumble back into the ropes and bounces off back at Blobby and Blobby wipes him out with a cross body. Blobby holds on for the pin. Quake’s legs flail like crazy trying to get free, and kicks out at two.
Magnus: We we’re that close to holding all
of the global belts!
Phillips: But the veteran instincts kicked in and we’re still rolling.
Magnus: Speaking if rolling. What is Quake doing?
Quake retreats by rolling out of the ring as Blobby gets back to his feet in the center of the ring. Quake shakes his head in frustration and walks over to the steps and walks up them and stands next to his partner Randy Angel. He whispers in his partners ear while Blobby stares at him like a pastel nightmare. Quake steps back through the ropes and tags in his partner. Randy steps in and walks slowly up to Mr. Blobby. Quake begins screaming at the ref to distract him. As the ref changes his attention Randy Angel spits booze into the eyes of Blobby! Blobby does not react and the camera zooms in and watches as the liquor pours down Blobby’s face. Randy looks on in horror and doesn’t block as Blobby nails him with a body splash. Randy doubles over and Blobby grabs him and whips him over into the corner.
Magnus: Blobby no selling is what nightmares are made of.
Phillips: Oh. Look here. There’s a Beefeater Gin. You think CBB is angling for a sponsorship like Off the Wagon?
Magnus: Are you even watching the match Tom?
Blobby follows in with a hip check followed by the tag to Noel. Noel comes in, measures Randy up, and runs landing a knee strike to the face of Randy. Noel tags in Blobby again and the pink nightmare pulls Randy up by the wrists and the drives Randy back into the corner with a full body splash. Randy is sandwiched as Blobby reaches up and again makes the tag to Noel. Noel walks to the center of the ring and taunts Quake before turning back to Randy. Again Noel measures up his drunken opponent and charges, but Randy springs up and nails the game show host with a huge clothesline.
Magnus: Noel waited too long there. Tag in Blobby before it’s too late!
Phillips: This Gin is made London, and they even had flavors.
Magnus: Stop it Tom! There’s an important match on.
Phillips: I’m down the rabbit hole I can’t stop now.
Noel is flipped inside out and Randy begins to crawl to his corner to make the tag. Noel begins to stir and crawl towards Blobby. Randy doves and makes the tag and in comes Quake! Quake runs across the ring, passed Noel, and sliding drop kicks the legs of Blobby knocking him off the apron before Noel can make the tag. Noel looks up where Blobby was and shakes his head. He slowly gets to his feet and turns right into Quake. Noel begs off, but Quake isn’t having it. Noel then points up at the lights, quake looks up, and Noel delivers Sweet Shin Music!
Magnus: What a shot by Noel! This might be over.
Phillips: Beefeaters are quite fascinating.
Magnus: Damn it Tom, no one cares.
Quake grabs his shin and stands on one foot. Noel takes advantage and runs and hits the ropes and comes back with the Swap Shop! Unfortunately, it barely connects and while Noel is celebrating Quake is quickly back to his feet. Noel again turns into an awaiting Quake and this time Quake doesn’t hesitate and clocks Noel in the face. Noel grabs his face and doubles over. Quake quickly grabs Noel with double under hooks and lands Park Place! Blobby struggles to get into the ring as Quake makes the cover 1…2…Blobby makes it through the ropes, but NO…3!
Sylvia Starr: Your winners and STILL XHF Tag Team Championships, Off the WAGON!
Magnus: Nooooo!
Phillips: They did it. The wiley veterans pulled it off.
Magnus: But I wanted all of the global belts!
Phillips: Off the Wagon stomped on that dream tonight.
Our scene opens in a back room of the GUNS Arena. The decoration is all over the place. One wall is made to look like a scene from Planet Earth. One wall shows the Pyramids. The ceiling is painted with the bottom of the alien ship from Independence Day. The floor is made to look like a fossil bed with Triceratops bones imbedded in it. The other walls remain out of sight but we see adorable baby puppies wearing collars saying "Too Cute" on them, running around. We hear the sounds of various TV cooks making meals and talking to cameras from behind this camera. From out of the pyramids bursts forth (through the door to the room obviously) a familiar face... to the GUNS faithful.
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: Well ... well well well ... my brethren, my faithful, my... *inhales* magnificent macro cosmos! This is truly a time worthy of celebration. We need to get Michiu Kaku and Giorgio Tsoukalos here to do another historical documentary ... to preserve this moment ... for all to watch ... On Discovery+ OR MAX! My power only grows mightier, with the fall of HBO and my representative content being loaded onto their service to usurp their crying eyeballs. Discovery+ now has two captive audiences.
He snickers and laughs!
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: How ... delightful. Here on this little corner of Planet Earth, where we can find such Good Eats and Too Cute animals ... Atlanta, the hotbed of GUNS and the site of the streaming wars. WARS! I might add. That I am winning. Look around. The House of Mouse has run and fallen from his pedestal, the Paramount Trekker has left for places no man has gone before ... and been worth watching. Who among the streaming wars is left to stand before the scientific historical might of me. The Ancient Alien. I even managed to usurp the Disney gimmick last show! That pit is now my secret base ... er ... that is to say it's gone. Don't find me. I have DEFENSES! COSMIC DEFENSES! At the ready. And while Zoran Sainovic eluded me. I made a new friend!
He covers his mouth with glee and smiles. He points to the side of the room where a man emerges from the shadowy corners.
Death Trap: Hey uh ... this is getting weird. I ... just needed a way into the building and you seemed to be able to get me here. I'm ... gonna go. But uh, keep doing what you're doing! Great work with the streaming. Alton Brown is great, give him more to do!
DT clicks his tongue and points the finger guns at the alien. He then walks out the door ...
Discovery+ Ancient Alien: WAIT! I MADE ... PYRAMID CAKES! GORDON RAMSEY APPROVED THEM! HE ONLY CALLED ME OUT ONCE FOR BEING AN IDIOT SANDWICH!
We cut to a camera in the hallways of the arena and catch DT walking out of the room. He shudders then looks into the camera.
Death Trap: Rumors of my demise ... have been greatly exaggerated.
He turns to walk down the hallway still talking.
Death Trap: Fox! I don't like when people punch down. I don't know why you suddenly think so poorly of CAR ... you seemed so supportive of HR Car-Wolf. But I'll chalk it up to the same brain damage that is making you work with Lord Albinominicus and the Infraggable Krunk. I don't know if you've become so dense you can't see you're being used, or if you've become so jaded and egomaniacal that you don't care. But I want you to know ... I'm not giving up on you. You may think you can give up on me, call me over the hill, denigrate my abilities, distance yourself from me because I have to drive a car ... once a month. In probably the safest damn fed on the Network ledger ... despite Memaw ...
DT stops and looks back at the camera as he heads towards Gorilla position
Death Trap: But Fox ... you can't just pity your way out of this. I went through hell to get back here. This whole persona shift began because you just couldn't get over being stabbed. And then you couldn't get over Zoran. He was too much for you ... and then your only win over him was apparently him faking injuries to fuck with everyone. Must be rough. But need I remind you I earned my shot at ANthony Caffrey and his crown ... by going through Zoran. I've never lost to him, it's why he's so oddly obsessed with me being family. After all who could logically beat Zoran but someone on his level. But you... you're no Zoran. You aren't rotten to the core. Despite current attitudes. And maybe I'm a fool for trying to save you, to bring you back, to make you see the error of your ways. And maybe taking your title won't snap you out of it, it'll just enrage you and send you after me again.
He shrugs
Death Trap: But... I've survived Mongo's shenanigans. I survived a tour in SWAT where they literally tried to kill me every show. I've become the biggest thorn in the sides of the von Krauss dynasty. I wiped the floor with Soutter and his mooks. Just about the only bugaboo I have left, the only black mark on my current ledger ... is Hyperion. Though admittedly I still have Donzig who I'm sure would love to try and murder me if he weren't so tied up in his own business. And hey ...you've beaten DOnzig! And you survived Hyperion with some help. So maybe this will be a fun challenge. But no, you don't do fun anymore. I wonder ... how does it feel to become Seth Dillinger?
He lets that hang in the air for a minute
Death Trap: Fox ... I'm coming for your title. If I have to go through Magnus and Venom to do it? SO be it. If I have to take the win at Overheated and beat you AND some other wrestlers at NOC? Fine. But you cannot evade me. You and I are on a collision course. The rumble cannot be the end of it. Maybe I'll see what you have planned out there tonight, huh?
He walks away from the camera and out through the side curtains towards the crowd area.
The house lights dim, the GUNSTron lighting up…
Bite my tongue, bide my time,
Wearing a warning sign.
Wait 'til the world is mine.
As Billie Eilish begins to sing, the tron shows black and white images from throughout the early period of Bloodied Fox’s XHF career. With AWF being defunct, hopefully the footage was cheap.
Visions I vandalize,
Cold in my kingdom size.
Fell for these ocean eyes…
The NLW era is next (so ditto on the cheap footage hopes), leading through into the events of the 2023 Rumble.
You should see me in a crown.
I'm gonna run this nothing town.
Watch me make 'em bow,
One by one by one
One by one by…
The crowd boo as they watch Fox eliminate Dylan to win the X*Crown.
You should see me in a crown.
Your silence is my favorite sound.
Watch me make 'em bow,
One by one by one.
One by one by one.
The screen goes black and the song cuts off. The arena lights go red.
"You have chosen The Lament Configuration..."
The harsh electronic beats and screeched vocals of Fox’s new entrance theme Vore by Sleep Token slam into the speakers as the sinisterly masked figure of Bloodied Fox steps from behind the curtain, flanked by his fellow Illuminati King Submaxiswear and SEIRIOS. He raises his newly customised X*Crown title belt high to the jeers of the fans. His face hidden, he turns his head to survey the people he feels betrayed him and then stalks down to the ring. Sliding in, he rises to one knee before tearing off his mask and looking around with narrowed gaze at all in attendance as he once more holds his prize aloft.
Phillips: Well, our new X*Crown champion is here. Whether you like him or not, Bloodied Fox did what he set out to do and holds the top belt in our sport.
Magnus: I certainly like him!
Phillips: You just like that he isn’t Zoran.
Magnus: That’s still an entirely valid reason, Tom.
The X*crown champion stands in the centre of the ring, with Submaxiswear and SEIRIOS looming behind me.
Bloodied Fox: There is a rumour going around that at the GUNS April Fools special, Zoran let me beat him. LET ME. Like he took the ass kicking of the year as a prank to mock me. Preposterous. As if that pathetic old man had a say in the matter! But to put all your minds at ease, I am all for MURDERING HIM AGAIN TONIGHT!
The crowd is electric at the prospect of a forth encounter between the bitter rivals.
Bloodied Fox: I need an X*Crown defence tonight, so COME ON DOWN!
Phillips: Brave words, but no one has seen Zoran since Death Trap fed him to the Sarlacc-
Magnus: Don’t give that monster a title shot! We were finally safe!
The house lights go down.
Magnus: NO!
The crowd cheer their heads off at this impromptu bloodbath... then the DOOM 64 theme pumps over the PA system and everyone dies.
Phillips: That’s not Zoran-
Mister RIP’N’TERROR – by any other name Tinto in a mask – pushes through the backstage curtains. The beloved CAR orphan, who is hated in GUNS for stealing the Phoenix title, flexes his imaginary muscles and makes a mean face at the Illuminati.
Bloodied Fox: What the hell is this?
Mister RIP'N'Terror (voice going up an octave): Your worst nightmare........ PUNK!
The villainous trio have to look genuinely upset for a painfully long amount of time, as it takes the seven-year-old boy a while to run down the aisle with his short legs.
Phillips: I was expecting a CAR representative, but not this one!
Magnus: Why can’t GUNS champions ever defend against GUNS stars?
Phillips: A good argument for GUNS to get a slot at Overheated...
X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
BLOODIED FOX vs. MISTER RIP’N’TERROR (CAR)
The little boy eventually climbs over the top rope, one rung at a time. Attacking before the bell, Tinto lays into Fox with a series of karate chops, which are clearly martial arts because he says “HEEEEEaaaaaw” before each strike. For his part, Fox completely no sells the attack, turning to his colleagues.
Bloodied Fox: No. This is beneath my championship.
Submaxiswear: A win is a win!
Trying to impart on Fox that he shouldn’t look gift defences in the mouth, Submaxiswear lifts Tinto up by the arm. This rough treatment of a child, even the hated outsider RNT, makes the audience uncomfortable enough to start throwing food at the ring. Apparently they aren’t the only ones unhappy with the rough handling of the boy.
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT!”
Crowd: “OXYCODINE!”
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?”
Crowd: “OXYCODINE!”
Your friendly neighbourhood drug dealing Florida Man charges out of the back, to a hero’s welcome!
Florida Man: Sorry Florida-By-Way-Of-Atlanta Nation, I gotz a feeling that when I’m finished with this chump, Foxie is gonna need all of my oxy!
Keeping them from getting their fix, another reason to hate Fox!
Florida Man (still stomping down the aisle): After weeks of waiting, I getz me some of them X-ray specs you see advertised in the back of them medical journals, and I’m about to use my new super power to strike rich on scratch’n’win tickets – when who should call me, but my Epcot brother from another mother. (pointing at Fox) You ain’t down with the house of mouse! Marty told me all about how you hate trans kids, Petey, and how you were fixin’ to send one to conversion therapy.
Bloodied Fox (spitting mad): If you trust a word out of Donovan’s mouth, you’re even more brain damaged than we all took you to be.
Florida Man (stopping to sign a woman’s Dan Marino tattoo): Yet here I catch you red handed... PUT THE LITTLE GIRL DOWN!
Tinto: I’m a boy!
Florida Man: That’s the spirit! You can be anything you want to be.
Sneering, Submaxiswear tosses the kicking Tinto to SEIRIOS – the hulking brute holding the child firmly.
Tinto: No fair, I was going to win you cheaters!
Florida Man: My Sunshine State Kingdom is wide and diverse, we might have more than our share of rotten apples, on account of how MASSIVE it is, but we ain’t all that way. So I’m not gonna stand for your homophobia, Foxie – and if you’re looking for a dance partner? (crotch thrust to emphasize each word) I’m. Hot. To. Trot!
Bloodied Fox: You fucking moron. Why on earth would I give you a shot, you pathetic joke! The last time we met, I remember knocking you out.
Florida Man (gator smile): Yeah, but the last time we met for a strap- I’m pretty sure I took it. So what’s the hold up... unless you’re worried about... developing a complex?
Mother. Fucker. Fox nods to the referee over Submaxiwear’s objections. SEIRIOS and Submaxiwear exit the ring, holding Tinto at ringside like the kind of villains you find in 8-bit videogames. FML slides under the bottom rope, lunatic and champion charging one another before the bell.
X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
ETERNAL GRUDGE MATCH
ETERNAL GRUDGE MATCH
BLOODIED FOX © vs. FLORIDA MAN (J-ROK)
Phillips: The bell hasn’t even rung yet, and already it’s haymaker city!
Magnus: Neither man giving an inch-
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: We’re officially underway, and referee Charles Crane warning them about the closed fists – but his instructions falling on deaf ears! I doubt either man even knows he’s there.
Magnus: A lot of bad blood between these two – stemming from the croc ending Fox’s EPIC junior title run.
Phillips: Can lightning strike twice?
Magnus: IT BETTER NOT! I’m not losing the crown to J-RoK!
The brawl around the ring continues, the two men trading shot for shot. No sooner does a heavy right from FML knock Fox into the ropes, then the champion hooks the neck, and reverses positions – firing off a vicious left jab as a receipt. Florida Man tries to bounce off with a roundhouse right, but Fox ducks under it – snapping off a spinning elbow that rocks the challenger into the corner. Following up, Fox unleashes a combination of rapid-fire fists. The flourish ends with a big wind-up, only for the Floridian to counter with a jumping knee. Fox staggers back, but still has the presence of mind to bring his arms up to block a second knee.
Phillips: The amount of big impact hits makes this looks more like Mixed Martial Arts than wrestling-
Magnus: No surprise there. The last time these two met was in GUNS Fight Club’s season 1 semi-final. Florida was a favourite, but Fox took him out on the way to winning the whole thing.
The two men begin rolling around on the canvas, fighting over a guard, and taking turns ground and pounding.
Magnus: Apparently Florida was invited back to season 2, but when he found out he’d be on Fox’s team – he responded with a dick in a box.
Phillips: JESUS!
Magnus: Dust couldn’t figure out if that was a confirmation or polite decline, so kept the Floridian from joining that season.
Phillips: What happened to the dick?
Magnus: We signed it to a development contract for season 5...
Showing no signs of slowing down, the two men continue to punch away, despite a bloody nose and mask respectively. Florida shifts his weight controlling the mount again, only for Fox to hook the arm and turn it into an inside cradle... 1... 2... big kickout. As both men get back up to their feet, Fox fires off a shining wizard – only for Florida to duck the kick, hook the leg, and dump him with a small package for 1... 2... big kickout. Both men scramble back up again, only this time Florida Man goes for a jumping knee. Sidestepping the knee, and hooking the leg, Fox brings him over with an anklelock. Howling like Goofy crotching himself on a cactus, FML scrambles for the ropes-
Magnus: Fox wrenching back on that ankle, he is not messing around.
Phillips: Florida manages to get to the ropes, Crane giving the champion a five count to break – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5- Fox not letting go.
Yanking back, Fox peels the Floridian off the ropes, and starts to reapply pressure. Crane’s threat of a disqualification causes Fox to let go, only to immediately hook the ankle again. Only Florida Man manages to mule kick him off. Fox immediately charges back, only to take a second mule kick, which sends him into the corner. Hopping on one foot, Florida limps after for a handspring senton – but Fox catches him by the waist and plants him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. A Saito Suplex gets 1... 2... before Florida Man gets into the ropes. Building momentum, the champion starts to hit his Devil Sequence – only for Florida Man to backdrop him over the top rope.
Phillips: Florida Man sends Bloodied Fox to the outside – no, he lands on the apron.
Magnus: They know each other well. The J-RoK star going for a closeline, but Fox ducks it, and pulls Florida Man throat first across the ropes. Damn near takes his head off.
Phillips: Florida down, and Fox using the ropes to come back in- AIR VULPINE!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-kickout.
Not looking to entertain Florida Man’s challenge further, Fox gestures for the Leviathan Suplex.
Magnus: HERE COMES- THE LEVIATH-
Phillips: Reversal! Florida Man twists out and turns it into a MINDBLOWER!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-kickout!
Phillips: That was pretty early for a Leviathan Suplex attempt-
Magnus: Well Fox doesn’t exactly respect Florida Man as a challenger; also, even if the timekeeper says otherwise, those welts on their bodies are looking pretty nasty.
Phillips: They are beating the hell out of each other.
FML kicks Fox’s away from the ropes, then starts stomping away. Prone on the canvas, Fox again goes to their shared Fight Club experience, and goes into a guard. Trying to break it, the croc starts hammering axe kicks – but Fox manages to block, and in a few cases almost grapple the ankle again. Almost tripping trying to pull away from one of these pseudo-ankle locks, Florida decides to take a less precise approach.
Magnus: TOUCH THE SKY!
Florida Man jumps up and down on Bloodied Fox like he was a trampoline, trying to get higher and higher. Still maintaining his guard, blocking a lot of the stomps, but still getting stepped on to an irritating degree. Fox tries to roll out of the way, but may get a rib broken for the trouble. This breaks the guard and leaves him open to another eight brutal hops – finally making it to the top rope, Florida Man dives into it, then throws himself off.
Magnus: LEAP OF FAITH-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Florida Man: *GOOFY GETTING HIS FORESKIN CAUGHT ON A BULLET TRAIN HOWL*
Magnus: Fox getting a knee up-
Phillips: RIGHT to the spine!
Florida Man looks like he landed on his keys. For his part, though holding his ribs in pain, Fox managed to hit the square of the spine. Leaving the knee up, Fox reaches up to apply a makeshift dragon sleeper – less concerned with the choke then pulping Florida Man’s back. Flailing his legs about, more to see if he can still use them then for any practical reason, Florida Man accidentally gets a foot in the ropes. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Again, Fox refuses to break. As Crane again threatens a DQ, Fox pushes off, lifting both men up, before dropping FML with a snap dragon suplex.
Magnus: FOX TRAP SUPLEX-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Again Florida Man in the ropes, but I think it has less to do with breaking the count, then checking if he’s paralyzed from the waist down.
Magnus: It’d be nice if he could use that mobility scooter for more than a weapon...
Grabbing Florida Man by the throat, Fox tosses him into the corner – then proceeds to fire off a series of Kawada kicks for the face wash. The force is enough to tear the top of Florida Man’s mask, a tuff of brown hair visible. The sheer aggression of the assault means that what little hair is visible is soon matted in blood. Rather than defend against the onslaught, Florida instead tries to punch back from a kneeling position. Reach difference means a few more kicks land before he lands a haymaker, but it connects with Fox’s injured right side. Holding his ribs in pain, Fox gasps for air before charging in with another kick – only Florida catches his foot, hitting a dragon screw legsweep that looks like a deathroll. Both men nurse their wounds, but are quick to go back to their brawling.
Phillips: Fox starting to look like he’s getting a black eye, they are really laying into these blows.
#SMACK#
Magnus: VKO!!!!!!!!!
Fox snaps off his signature uppercut pump kick. If Florida Man’s eyes were covered by the mask, they would roll into the back of his head. The gator-faced luchador’s legs go limp, as he is literally out on his feet. Fox starts to go for a second one-
#SMACK#
Phillips: KIRA’S GLASS JAWBREAKER!
Magnus: Learn the move names, Tom.
Phillips: That’s what it says here.
The straight right connects with Fox’s temple. Now the champion’s legs go limp. Both men seem to stand next to each other, possibly concussed, and in a daze.
Phillips: Both men out on their feet-
Before he slumps over, Fox digs deeps and through sheer force of will hits-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SMACK#
Magnus: MDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fox landing on top-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-foot on the ropes.
Shaking off the last shot, Fox slowly gets up – then plants Florida with a saito suplex. Taking a few steps back, Fox waits for Florida to get up – setting up a Bloody Rain!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: BLOODY RAIN-
#SMACK#
Phillips: Wait was that-
Magnus: Florida Man COUNTERING with a V-trigger for-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Big kickout! And Fox looks pissed-
Phillips: Wasn’t that- the Dis-knee?
Magnus: Just because Marty calls it that Tom, doesn’t mean the move is actually named th- wait- it was the Dis-knee!
Starring daggers at Florida Man, Bloodied Fox gets back up to his feet.
Phillips: What if it isn’t Florida Man at all- but Marty Donovan wearing the croc mask, as a work around to avoid slumming it in GUNS?
Magnus: That is certainly what Fox is thinking, and the champ is seeing red!
Florida Man: I love Disney Puss!
Phillips: Did he say pus?
Magnus: Okay, so it’s not Marty Donovan under the mask. Frankly if Marty had been under it, that Dis-knee would have been a lot more effective. Still, the challenger seems to have gotten under the champion’s skin.
Livid, and just as happy to maim Marty as he is Florida, Fox shoots in again-
Magnus: Fox going for another MD- whoa! Florida hits a – DIETYDT!!!!!!!!
Phillips: Isn’t that-
Magnus: A Misha Constantine signature! I thought they were dead, but could it be that rather than become the ruler of Hell, Misha instead decided to don a crocodile mask and win the Junior title off Fox, just to frustrate his brother-in-law’s title record?
Phillips: That certainly sounds more plausible.
Florida Man climbs up to the top, calling for an Irae Dei – which the crowd is eating up. Jumping to his feet, and out for blood, Fox charges into the ropes. Rather than fall, Florida Man dives off beforehand, landing on his feet. Fox ducks under a Undyne’s spear, spins and catches Florida with a neckbreaker. Transitioning into a full mount, Fox starts to throw down a series of palm strikes – before focusing on ripping Florida Man’s mask.
Magnus: Rather than go for a pin, the champion trying to remove the mask of Florida Man.
Phillips: I’m not sure I buy the Marty or Misha moves, but even if they were head games, the champ is out for blood.
Magnus: The most celebrated title reign in modern XHF history was ended by a comedic buffoon who seemingly came out of nowhere. That doesn’t add up. A lot of people think that under that mask, Florida Man has a lot more pedigree than he lets on – but this is the first time he’s actively teased it.
Phillips: Well I hope the secret was worth it, because Fox is about to reveal the croc’s real identity!
The mask tears more – though revealing details are still caked in blood. Fingers digging under the torn corners, Fox tries to pull harder – but leaves himself open to a shotei.
Magnus: PRESSURE POINT! And a second knocks Fox off him.
Phillips: So it’s Sainovic!?
Magnus: No way, I’ve seen that bastard Zoran and that bastard Florida Man at the same time, it’s a bluff.
A third shotei knocks Fox to the canvas. Spitting blood, Fox tries to reach up to claw at the mask again – wondering which one of his enemies were responsible for the JHC flag insult. Knocking the arm aside, then hooking the other, Florida Man straps on a cattle mutilation.
Magnus: ... An Ode to Alex Trebek.
Phillips: Too soon. Wait, who’s is that-
Magnus: Keith Williams.
Feeling the move, and knowing its source, Fox lets out a stream of obscenities that really aren’t appropriate within earshot of a small child. The small child in question is Tinto, who bites SEIRIOS’ arm to get free – and enters the ring.
Phillips: Wait, here comes Tinto!
Magnus: He probably thinks it's a three-way-dance or something.
That is exactly what the little boy thinks, and that X*Crown is his!
Tinto: I fooled you- and now I am the fresh man-
Submaxiswear: Get back here you little shit!
Not wanting his charge to retain on a disqualification, Submaxiswear reaches under the ropes and trips the child. Tinto tries to kick the adult off him, so he can join the match, and inevitably win the crown. Having none of it, Submaxiswear grabs the child by the throat throttling him.
Phillips: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
Magnus: ...we are going to lose so many sponsors...
Letting go of the Ode to Alex Trebek, Florida Man limps across the ring, hitting a dropkick to the face that causes Submaxiswear to let go of the child, and possibly require some dental work. The crowd cheers. Florida Man checks on Tinto, who responds to the save with a karate chop – because he’s still in this – fortunately he has the strength of a seven-year-old and the chop doesn’t effect the possible ReVenant.
Phillips: When did you ever think you’d see Florida Man as the responsible adult?
Magnus: That is even more suspect then his stolen moves-
Content that Tinto is still in one piece, Florida Man turns back to his opponent-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One.
Two.
Tinto tries to make the save, but his legs are so short.
Three.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL X*CROWN CHAMPION...
BLOODIED FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tinto tries to keep the fight going, but Fox just shoves him away.
Magnus: Fox with an impressive first defence, puts down a challenge by the man who ended his junior run – whoever he is. Let that be a lesson to J-RoK, mess with GUNS, and you’re going to get cut.
Phillips: Well I thought Florida Man put up an impressive fight, and President Nausicaa is going to be hard pressed denying him their company’s Overheated shot after this contest.
Magnus: Wait, Fox doesn’t look like he’s finished.
Kneeling next to an unconscious Florida Man, Bloodied Fox starts to rip the mask further.
Phillips: Here we go!
Magnus: Who is it-
The camera pulls in for a tight close-up, but just before the gator face can be ripped off- Florida Man is yanked out of the ring. The world’s strongest little girl’s bicycle, The Ultimate Warrior, being ridden by Gazoo – pulls Florida Man away from Fox’s vicious machinations. With Submaxiwear and SEIRIOS recovering to cut the makeshift troop off, Warrior snarls – snatches Tinto as well – and the Epcot Mafia take flight. As the beaten Florida Man is carried away, Bloodied Fox looks ready to kill someone.
Phillips: If looks could kill-
Magnus: I don’t know about darkest timeline, but with Fox at the helm, it’s definitely going to rain blood.
