Project Blackmail THE CONCLUSION!
Jun 2, 2023 20:02:37 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, ForeverKuroi, and 3 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Jun 2, 2023 20:02:37 GMT -5
*Snare drums…uh…snare? This is not a good start. The drums do their thing as we open on a room with four tables set up. Well, “tables” is a bit generous, they’re more like school desks covered in table cloths; maybe they’re end tables, with the aforementioned table cloths it’s hard to tell. Slowly the members of Bad to the Bone Racing (and also the Star Trekker) come out single file while carrying black briefcases. The BttBR proper crew are all wearing black suits and sunglasses, looking sort of like the Men in Black- except it doesn’t quite work since Dinosaur Bones really is only wearing a tie and sunglasses and Big Bone is still wearing his entire getup underneath said suit. The sunglasses really don’t work with Lord Dominicus’ mask. The Star Trekker meanwhile is dressed like a Romulan, probably in deference to the Tal Shiar, the Romulan equivalent to the KGB/CIA- though she’s got sunglasses on too, why not? They all line up and put their briefcases on the tables in front of them. With the clicks of the locking mechanisms they all open up and light streams from them like in Pulp Fiction.*
LD: Son of a…
*He hits his briefcase a couple times and the light switches on. He looks up at the camera, slowly taking off his sunglasses.*
LD: For months now we’ve been warning you. For months we’ve told you that if you didn’t pull off to the side and let us win that we’d expose your secrets. You didn’t listen. You didn’t pay heed. And now it’s time that the world find out the results of PROJECT BLACKMAIL!
*From their briefcases the members of the team (and Trekker) pull out manila folders and hold them up.*
LD: As you can see, we dug up the deepest dirt on your team that we possibly could and have been holding onto- wait, where’s Dinosaur Bones?
*The camera cuts to DB, who’s still there, holding a manila folder in tiny arms. Big Bone leans into the shot and pulls off DB’s sunglasses.*
LD: Oh thank goodness, I thought we lost you for a moment. Truly a master of disguise.
DB: IT WAS THIS ABILITY THAT HELPED ME SNEAK INTO YOUR CAVERNOUS HOLES AND STEAL YOUR SECRETS!
LD: You tell ‘em! Anyway, where were we? Oh yes-
*Getting back in the mood.*
LD: …As I was saying, YOU WERE WARNED and yet here we just barely squeaked into qualifying for the Sippy Cup!
BB: Estoy empezando a cuestionar la validez del sistema de puntos.
Trekker: Isn’t that a bad word?
BB: No you’re thinking of a different word.
Trekker: Hold on, let me get my universal trans-
LD: NO! Focus guys!
*She puts away her cell phone. Dominicus starts but then stops.*
LD: Oh for the love of…I forgot where I was.
BB: Chantaje.
LD: I don’t know what that means so I’ll just go back to blackmail. Anyway, SINCE YOU ALL DIDN’T LISTEN TO US it’s time to have your deepest, DARKEST secrets revealed! I’ll assume you’re all gasping as you sit in your chairs and watch. Let us be-
*The Star Trekker holds up one of the folders.*
Trekker: Hey wait, why does one of these folders say “Bad to the Bone Racing + Other”?
LD: Well clearly you’re the "other".
Trekker: That’s not what I meant. Why do we have a blackmail folder on ourselves?
DB: IT’S NOT BLACKMAIL, IT’S RECIPES.
Trekker: Oh, like our favorite foods so you can prepare them for our delight?
*There’s a beat of silence.*
DB: DON’T OPEN THAT FOLDER.
*She squints at the Dracolich/”fed” owner as she slowly puts the folder back.*
LD: Ok, can we start now? Since you all didn’t listen it’s time for your darkest secrets to be revealed!
*We move to Dinosaur Bones, who’s arms are too short to properly read the folder, which sort of messes with one’s suspension of disbelief but whatever- DB gathered most of the Intel so maybe Bones just memorized it.*
DB: THE ANGRY MAD CHEMISTS…AREN’T ACTUALLY THAT ANGRY. ALSO THEY WERE INFILTRATED BY AN EVIL DOPPLEGANGER EARLIER THIS YEAR. ALSO THEIR FRIDGE HAS A TERRIBLE SELECTION. ALSO ALSO THEIR CONVERSATIONS ARE INCREDIBLY REFERENTIAL TO THE POINT WHERE I’M NOT SURE THEY SAY ANYTHING ORIGINAL.
LD: Ha! Suck on that!
*Next is Big Bone, he looks at his folder.*
BB: It says here that the Esoteric Order of Driving had a massive scandal in that their driver and their car produced offspring! It también says that their food selection leaves one incredibly wanting. On top of that, the book is a racist- also not a book anymore!
LD: SHOCKING!
*The DARK LORD OF CAR picks up his folder.*
LD: MOTHER! The Car’s…car isn’t even a real car! And it used to be a car with a ghost inside! SPOOKY! The team seems to have nothing to do with mothers at all! Also they subsist largely on junk food when they’re a perfectly good small mammal running around their garage all the time!
*The Star Trekker shoots DB a knowing look, to which the dinosaur just throws up its tiny arms in an attempt to shrug. She then shakes her head and pulls up one of her folders.*
Trekker: According to our findings BANG’s driver, CopySomething isn’t even worth eating. He barely eats- oh this note was updated that since the initial infiltration he got a fully stocked refrigerator that is far better. It also says here that somebody on their team named…Reechi? Am I pronouncing that right?
LD: Reeshi.
Trekker: Reeshi, ok, whatever- anyway it’s not THE Reeshi of XHF legend, just some guy who may or may not actually be called that.
LD: SCANDALOUS!
BB: As for Reedy Creek Racing, the Disney sponsorship is heavily in question at this juncture. This could prove to be a massive problem for the team because it turns out that Disney is actually still an evil company no matter how much rainbow flag waving they do. They have been known to sue people for using Disney imagery in their homes, how much more danger does that put the team in if they lose their license? Also there’s a note here that Decon Oldham frequently has a fresh supply of wild game.
*He puts the folder down.*
LD: That’s it? I was sort of hoping for something more damning.
Trekker: Yeah, me too.
DB: I HAD LESS TIME TO PREPARE THEIR BLACKMAIL.
LD: Sure sure, whatever. Anyway finally we have the MOST SURPRISING blackmail folder of them all!
*Dominicus holds up a folder marked “Grandma Mary.” The group feigns shock as Lord Dominicus opens the folder.*
LD: Grandma Mary, the owner and operator of CAR…has her own blackmail vault? And in it are just pictures of her family members eating hot dogs?
*He looks up, confused.*
LD: Wait, really?
BB: Si.
LD: I…I’m not sure what even to do with that.
DB: ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW I PUT ON A HAT AND FAKE ABS TO SNEAK INTO THE BOWLER HAT BRIGADE COMPOUND?
LD: No, they didn’t qualify. Anyway! THERE YOU HAVE IT! The DARKEST SECRETS of the other members of the Sippy Cup race!
*There’s a throat clear off camera.*
LD: Oh for the love of- what is it? Did you leave the lens cap on?
Cameraman: Well…it’s just that most of that was common knowledge.
LD: What are you talking about?
Cameraman: The supposed blackmail stuff, everyone already knew all of that. It was all televised. Well, I mean you did have a pretty interesting look into their eating habits- and I don’t think anyone knew about Grandma Mary’s secret but still.
LD: So are you saying we’ve wasted over eight months on information that everyone already knows?
Cameraman: Yeah, basically.
*The whole crew takes up various stances that project their frustration and desire to yell out curse words. They grumble to themselves until Lord Dominicus holds up his hands.*
LD: IT’S FINE! IT’S FINE! We’ll just stick to plan B then.
Trekker: Plan B? Is that cheating?
*Dinosaur Bones quickly tackles Big Bone to prevent him from hearing the “c” word.*
LD: Yes, also me being the best driver in CAR! We have more gold than any other team here- I think- and that’s because of SKILL- and cheating. So even if only a portion of the revelations today will be ground-shaking, Bad to the Bone Racing will stand tall and get another Sippy Cup as we overcome the competition! SUCK IT OTHER TEAMS, YOU’RE JUST GONNA BE ROAD RASH AFTER THIS RACE!
*The team then all jump in unison as the camera freeze-frames the pose because it looks cool. Fade out.*
The Optional Race Enhancer Questions (explained in other post on roleplay rules):
1. How excited is your crew for the start of the race?
LD: HECK YEAH IT’S TIME TO CHEAT AND DRIVE AND WIN!
2. Your vehicle has been hit with cake pops. Now what?
Trekker: Shields are still holding, damage negligible.
3. Do you see the Sippy Cup?
DB: I’VE GOT IT, I HAVE GAINED US THE SIPPY CUP!
BB: Ese es nuestro Sippy Cup. Lord Dominicus handed it for you to hold before the race.
4. How will your team respond to winning?
LD: Gloating!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
LD: Gloating, but about things that aren’t related to winning.
LD: Son of a…
*He hits his briefcase a couple times and the light switches on. He looks up at the camera, slowly taking off his sunglasses.*
LD: For months now we’ve been warning you. For months we’ve told you that if you didn’t pull off to the side and let us win that we’d expose your secrets. You didn’t listen. You didn’t pay heed. And now it’s time that the world find out the results of PROJECT BLACKMAIL!
*From their briefcases the members of the team (and Trekker) pull out manila folders and hold them up.*
LD: As you can see, we dug up the deepest dirt on your team that we possibly could and have been holding onto- wait, where’s Dinosaur Bones?
*The camera cuts to DB, who’s still there, holding a manila folder in tiny arms. Big Bone leans into the shot and pulls off DB’s sunglasses.*
LD: Oh thank goodness, I thought we lost you for a moment. Truly a master of disguise.
DB: IT WAS THIS ABILITY THAT HELPED ME SNEAK INTO YOUR CAVERNOUS HOLES AND STEAL YOUR SECRETS!
LD: You tell ‘em! Anyway, where were we? Oh yes-
*Getting back in the mood.*
LD: …As I was saying, YOU WERE WARNED and yet here we just barely squeaked into qualifying for the Sippy Cup!
BB: Estoy empezando a cuestionar la validez del sistema de puntos.
Trekker: Isn’t that a bad word?
BB: No you’re thinking of a different word.
Trekker: Hold on, let me get my universal trans-
LD: NO! Focus guys!
*She puts away her cell phone. Dominicus starts but then stops.*
LD: Oh for the love of…I forgot where I was.
BB: Chantaje.
LD: I don’t know what that means so I’ll just go back to blackmail. Anyway, SINCE YOU ALL DIDN’T LISTEN TO US it’s time to have your deepest, DARKEST secrets revealed! I’ll assume you’re all gasping as you sit in your chairs and watch. Let us be-
*The Star Trekker holds up one of the folders.*
Trekker: Hey wait, why does one of these folders say “Bad to the Bone Racing + Other”?
LD: Well clearly you’re the "other".
Trekker: That’s not what I meant. Why do we have a blackmail folder on ourselves?
DB: IT’S NOT BLACKMAIL, IT’S RECIPES.
Trekker: Oh, like our favorite foods so you can prepare them for our delight?
*There’s a beat of silence.*
DB: DON’T OPEN THAT FOLDER.
*She squints at the Dracolich/”fed” owner as she slowly puts the folder back.*
LD: Ok, can we start now? Since you all didn’t listen it’s time for your darkest secrets to be revealed!
*We move to Dinosaur Bones, who’s arms are too short to properly read the folder, which sort of messes with one’s suspension of disbelief but whatever- DB gathered most of the Intel so maybe Bones just memorized it.*
DB: THE ANGRY MAD CHEMISTS…AREN’T ACTUALLY THAT ANGRY. ALSO THEY WERE INFILTRATED BY AN EVIL DOPPLEGANGER EARLIER THIS YEAR. ALSO THEIR FRIDGE HAS A TERRIBLE SELECTION. ALSO ALSO THEIR CONVERSATIONS ARE INCREDIBLY REFERENTIAL TO THE POINT WHERE I’M NOT SURE THEY SAY ANYTHING ORIGINAL.
LD: Ha! Suck on that!
*Next is Big Bone, he looks at his folder.*
BB: It says here that the Esoteric Order of Driving had a massive scandal in that their driver and their car produced offspring! It también says that their food selection leaves one incredibly wanting. On top of that, the book is a racist- also not a book anymore!
LD: SHOCKING!
*The DARK LORD OF CAR picks up his folder.*
LD: MOTHER! The Car’s…car isn’t even a real car! And it used to be a car with a ghost inside! SPOOKY! The team seems to have nothing to do with mothers at all! Also they subsist largely on junk food when they’re a perfectly good small mammal running around their garage all the time!
*The Star Trekker shoots DB a knowing look, to which the dinosaur just throws up its tiny arms in an attempt to shrug. She then shakes her head and pulls up one of her folders.*
Trekker: According to our findings BANG’s driver, CopySomething isn’t even worth eating. He barely eats- oh this note was updated that since the initial infiltration he got a fully stocked refrigerator that is far better. It also says here that somebody on their team named…Reechi? Am I pronouncing that right?
LD: Reeshi.
Trekker: Reeshi, ok, whatever- anyway it’s not THE Reeshi of XHF legend, just some guy who may or may not actually be called that.
LD: SCANDALOUS!
BB: As for Reedy Creek Racing, the Disney sponsorship is heavily in question at this juncture. This could prove to be a massive problem for the team because it turns out that Disney is actually still an evil company no matter how much rainbow flag waving they do. They have been known to sue people for using Disney imagery in their homes, how much more danger does that put the team in if they lose their license? Also there’s a note here that Decon Oldham frequently has a fresh supply of wild game.
*He puts the folder down.*
LD: That’s it? I was sort of hoping for something more damning.
Trekker: Yeah, me too.
DB: I HAD LESS TIME TO PREPARE THEIR BLACKMAIL.
LD: Sure sure, whatever. Anyway finally we have the MOST SURPRISING blackmail folder of them all!
*Dominicus holds up a folder marked “Grandma Mary.” The group feigns shock as Lord Dominicus opens the folder.*
LD: Grandma Mary, the owner and operator of CAR…has her own blackmail vault? And in it are just pictures of her family members eating hot dogs?
*He looks up, confused.*
LD: Wait, really?
BB: Si.
LD: I…I’m not sure what even to do with that.
DB: ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW I PUT ON A HAT AND FAKE ABS TO SNEAK INTO THE BOWLER HAT BRIGADE COMPOUND?
LD: No, they didn’t qualify. Anyway! THERE YOU HAVE IT! The DARKEST SECRETS of the other members of the Sippy Cup race!
*There’s a throat clear off camera.*
LD: Oh for the love of- what is it? Did you leave the lens cap on?
Cameraman: Well…it’s just that most of that was common knowledge.
LD: What are you talking about?
Cameraman: The supposed blackmail stuff, everyone already knew all of that. It was all televised. Well, I mean you did have a pretty interesting look into their eating habits- and I don’t think anyone knew about Grandma Mary’s secret but still.
LD: So are you saying we’ve wasted over eight months on information that everyone already knows?
Cameraman: Yeah, basically.
*The whole crew takes up various stances that project their frustration and desire to yell out curse words. They grumble to themselves until Lord Dominicus holds up his hands.*
LD: IT’S FINE! IT’S FINE! We’ll just stick to plan B then.
Trekker: Plan B? Is that cheating?
*Dinosaur Bones quickly tackles Big Bone to prevent him from hearing the “c” word.*
LD: Yes, also me being the best driver in CAR! We have more gold than any other team here- I think- and that’s because of SKILL- and cheating. So even if only a portion of the revelations today will be ground-shaking, Bad to the Bone Racing will stand tall and get another Sippy Cup as we overcome the competition! SUCK IT OTHER TEAMS, YOU’RE JUST GONNA BE ROAD RASH AFTER THIS RACE!
*The team then all jump in unison as the camera freeze-frames the pose because it looks cool. Fade out.*
The Optional Race Enhancer Questions (explained in other post on roleplay rules):
1. How excited is your crew for the start of the race?
LD: HECK YEAH IT’S TIME TO CHEAT AND DRIVE AND WIN!
2. Your vehicle has been hit with cake pops. Now what?
Trekker: Shields are still holding, damage negligible.
3. Do you see the Sippy Cup?
DB: I’VE GOT IT, I HAVE GAINED US THE SIPPY CUP!
BB: Ese es nuestro Sippy Cup. Lord Dominicus handed it for you to hold before the race.
4. How will your team respond to winning?
LD: Gloating!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
LD: Gloating, but about things that aren’t related to winning.