Qpid, draw back your bow!
Jun 10, 2023 14:06:58 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, ForeverKuroi, and 2 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Jun 10, 2023 14:06:58 GMT -5
We open on Marty Donovan and Ollie Oldham walking towards the team garage. Marty carries a box of doughnuts and has a huge smile.
Ollie: Someone is in a good mood.
Marty: Of course! We won two Athletic Cups, qualified for the championship with a race to spare, and tonight you get to see the amazing promise ring I picked out.
Jump cut to Marty’s front yard where a six-sided ring sits. The ropes are Rapunzel purple and various words such as “LOYALTY” and “COMMITMENT ” are written on the ring skirt. Giant date night selfies of Marty and Ollie have been printed on the canvas, mostly to cover up a 2006 TNA logo. Tinto the orphan practices Macho Man elbows, intentionally landing on one of the images of Marty’s face. The shot changes back to the couple.
Marty: This is Reedy Creek’s year. We have everything needed to win the Sippy Cup.
They walk inside the garage and Marty drops the box of doughnuts in shock. Lightning McQueen is missing.
Ollie: Except a race car…
Marty attempts to pick up the box of doughnuts, but his hands are trembling too much.
Marty: Don’t panic. I’m sure it's still here. That thing is easy to misplace.
Ollie: The bright red Subaru with cartoon eyes?
Marty begins to desperately look around the garage.
Marty: Relax, a new janitor must have been confused and parked it at Cars Land.
Ollie: In Anaheim?
Terrified, he looks in desk drawers for the race car.
Marty: Please, we have no time for your female hysteria. This situation is bad enough without one of us freaking out.
Ollie: I agree.
Marty bites his lip to keep from sobbing.
Marty: Stop crying! You’re getting tears on my face. Imagineers must be testing a new cloaking device!
Marty attempts to slide across the hood of an invisible car, but just crashes on to the cement.
Ollie: Are you okay?
Marty: Of course not. I just took a bump for free.
George Lucas enters, wearing vulcan ears and a shiny outfit. He is leaving a voicemail and doesn’t notice the others.
George: Good morning, Star Trekker. This is the love of your life, George Lucas. I had a wonderful time on our date. Anyway, remind me how long you needed to borrow the race car.
George looks up and notices his glaring teammates.
George: I got to run. Meesa in some big doo-doo dis time.
Ollie: How could you give Lightning to STAR TREKKER?
George: I’ve been smitten ever since she mailed us that sexy valentine. Opposites attract! One of us uses lightspeed and the other warp speed. One fires blasters and the other phasers. One of our franchises was ruined by J.J. Abrams while…actually we have more in common than I thought.
Marty: She doesn’t love you. This was just a ploy to steal our race car.
George: If it isn’t real love then why did she make me get this?
George reveals a tattoo on his heart of the Star Trek character Q as the baby Cupid. Ollie checks her phone.
Ollie: The GPS is still turned on in the car. That’s the good news.
A crowd of tourists take photos of an outdoor exhibit full of alligators. Lighting McQueen is parked in the center of the enclosure, next to a sign that reads “DESANTIS 2024”. Marty is wearing a surgical mask, sunglasses and Bloodied Fox baseball cap to conceal his face. The disguise is completed with a Zoran Sainovic shirt that has a knife painted like the Serbian flag. Ollie is in her official plaid Disney uniform and has a stack of documents.
Marty: Olivia, this is a rival amusement park. I’m jeopardizing the Disney sponsorship just stepping foot in this place. Do you really think we can scrape by on my hit podcast and lucrative wrestling contract?
Ollie: I doubt Disney sees this little tourist trap as a rival.
Marty: It’s a gateway drug! I could go from petting a baby gator to blackout drunk in the middle of Universal Studios.
Ollie: Don’t be ridiculous.
A gator wrangler approaches them.
Wrangler: Hey! Take off that compliance mask!
Ollie: We’re from the Walt Disney corporation.
Marty: No, I’m not. Who is this lady? I’m just here for the zipline.
Ollie: I think there was a mix up. That race car is our property and needs to be returned. I have all the official paperwork.
Wrangler: No, I got the official paperwork. Your poor forgery doesn’t even have a Star Fleet insignia on it.
Ollie: Listen, I'm sorry you were deceived. Marty here will gladly make a generous donation to your organization.
Marty: Who's Marty? My name is Cross.
Wrangler: Please, your donation will never match the money we'll make letting proud Americans egg this gay pride gas guzzler.
Ollie: Listen, you want a simple resolution to this. Disney has quite the legal department.
Wrangler: Ya’ll will go “woke broke” before this gets anywhere. I heard like four million people stopped using your fancy streaming thing.
Enraged, Marty rips off his disguise and rushes forward.
Marty: That wasn't my fault! Those losses were from the Indian market after we stopped carrying cricket. Don't you dare lay that at my feet. I'm the finest spokesperson Disney has ever had!
Wrangler: Unless one of you is willing to wrestle a gator for ten minutes then that race car is staying right here.
The employee laughs and walks away. A light bulb goes off in Ollie's head.
Marty: Even if we did sue, we won't have Lightning back in time for the championship
Ollie: I have a plan. We’re going to need to visit a friend of yours first.
Marty is confused. We cut back to the garage where George Lucas is on his cellphone.
George: Is this the Paramount + helpline? I need you to put me in touch with Star Trekker. Something is wrong with her phone, it no longer seems to be accepting calls from me.
There is a pause as George listens.
George: No, I'm not interested in the new season of iCarly. I need to know what that tattoo from last night says.
We see on George's exposed lower back is a tramp stamp in Klingon. Back at Gatorland, Marty and Ollie approach the wrangler who is tossing meat into an artificial lake full of reptiles.
Ollie: Marty has agreed to wrestle in exchange for the car. However, we get to pick the gator. Does that work?
Wrangler: Buddy, you won't last ten seconds. Deal!
Marty and the wrangler shake hands.
Ollie: Great. We want to wrestle the one in the velvet pot-pie hat.
Wrangler: The what?
There is a loud roar as something massive emerges from the lake. Jump cut to the parking lot where Marty wrestles his friend Florida Man, the gator themed luchador. Ollie holds up a stopwatch that shows that the battle has just passed the ten minute mark. The wrangler pouts and hands the keys to her. We cut back to the garage. George Lucas lays face down on a couch as someone dressed as a Klingon looks at his tramp stamp.
Klingon: It says simp.
George: Ours is a simple love.
The shot fades out on a smitten George.
(Thanks to Mongo and Florida Man for allowing this.)
Ollie: Someone is in a good mood.
Marty: Of course! We won two Athletic Cups, qualified for the championship with a race to spare, and tonight you get to see the amazing promise ring I picked out.
Jump cut to Marty’s front yard where a six-sided ring sits. The ropes are Rapunzel purple and various words such as “LOYALTY” and “COMMITMENT ” are written on the ring skirt. Giant date night selfies of Marty and Ollie have been printed on the canvas, mostly to cover up a 2006 TNA logo. Tinto the orphan practices Macho Man elbows, intentionally landing on one of the images of Marty’s face. The shot changes back to the couple.
Marty: This is Reedy Creek’s year. We have everything needed to win the Sippy Cup.
They walk inside the garage and Marty drops the box of doughnuts in shock. Lightning McQueen is missing.
Ollie: Except a race car…
Marty attempts to pick up the box of doughnuts, but his hands are trembling too much.
Marty: Don’t panic. I’m sure it's still here. That thing is easy to misplace.
Ollie: The bright red Subaru with cartoon eyes?
Marty begins to desperately look around the garage.
Marty: Relax, a new janitor must have been confused and parked it at Cars Land.
Ollie: In Anaheim?
Terrified, he looks in desk drawers for the race car.
Marty: Please, we have no time for your female hysteria. This situation is bad enough without one of us freaking out.
Ollie: I agree.
Marty bites his lip to keep from sobbing.
Marty: Stop crying! You’re getting tears on my face. Imagineers must be testing a new cloaking device!
Marty attempts to slide across the hood of an invisible car, but just crashes on to the cement.
Ollie: Are you okay?
Marty: Of course not. I just took a bump for free.
George Lucas enters, wearing vulcan ears and a shiny outfit. He is leaving a voicemail and doesn’t notice the others.
George: Good morning, Star Trekker. This is the love of your life, George Lucas. I had a wonderful time on our date. Anyway, remind me how long you needed to borrow the race car.
George looks up and notices his glaring teammates.
George: I got to run. Meesa in some big doo-doo dis time.
Ollie: How could you give Lightning to STAR TREKKER?
George: I’ve been smitten ever since she mailed us that sexy valentine. Opposites attract! One of us uses lightspeed and the other warp speed. One fires blasters and the other phasers. One of our franchises was ruined by J.J. Abrams while…actually we have more in common than I thought.
Marty: She doesn’t love you. This was just a ploy to steal our race car.
George: If it isn’t real love then why did she make me get this?
George reveals a tattoo on his heart of the Star Trek character Q as the baby Cupid. Ollie checks her phone.
Ollie: The GPS is still turned on in the car. That’s the good news.
Marty: What’s the bad news?
A crowd of tourists take photos of an outdoor exhibit full of alligators. Lighting McQueen is parked in the center of the enclosure, next to a sign that reads “DESANTIS 2024”. Marty is wearing a surgical mask, sunglasses and Bloodied Fox baseball cap to conceal his face. The disguise is completed with a Zoran Sainovic shirt that has a knife painted like the Serbian flag. Ollie is in her official plaid Disney uniform and has a stack of documents.
Marty: Olivia, this is a rival amusement park. I’m jeopardizing the Disney sponsorship just stepping foot in this place. Do you really think we can scrape by on my hit podcast and lucrative wrestling contract?
Ollie: I doubt Disney sees this little tourist trap as a rival.
Marty: It’s a gateway drug! I could go from petting a baby gator to blackout drunk in the middle of Universal Studios.
Ollie: Don’t be ridiculous.
A gator wrangler approaches them.
Wrangler: Hey! Take off that compliance mask!
Ollie: We’re from the Walt Disney corporation.
Marty: No, I’m not. Who is this lady? I’m just here for the zipline.
Ollie: I think there was a mix up. That race car is our property and needs to be returned. I have all the official paperwork.
Wrangler: No, I got the official paperwork. Your poor forgery doesn’t even have a Star Fleet insignia on it.
Ollie: Listen, I'm sorry you were deceived. Marty here will gladly make a generous donation to your organization.
Marty: Who's Marty? My name is Cross.
Wrangler: Please, your donation will never match the money we'll make letting proud Americans egg this gay pride gas guzzler.
Ollie: Listen, you want a simple resolution to this. Disney has quite the legal department.
Wrangler: Ya’ll will go “woke broke” before this gets anywhere. I heard like four million people stopped using your fancy streaming thing.
Enraged, Marty rips off his disguise and rushes forward.
Marty: That wasn't my fault! Those losses were from the Indian market after we stopped carrying cricket. Don't you dare lay that at my feet. I'm the finest spokesperson Disney has ever had!
Wrangler: Unless one of you is willing to wrestle a gator for ten minutes then that race car is staying right here.
The employee laughs and walks away. A light bulb goes off in Ollie's head.
Marty: Even if we did sue, we won't have Lightning back in time for the championship
Ollie: I have a plan. We’re going to need to visit a friend of yours first.
Marty is confused. We cut back to the garage where George Lucas is on his cellphone.
George: Is this the Paramount + helpline? I need you to put me in touch with Star Trekker. Something is wrong with her phone, it no longer seems to be accepting calls from me.
There is a pause as George listens.
George: No, I'm not interested in the new season of iCarly. I need to know what that tattoo from last night says.
We see on George's exposed lower back is a tramp stamp in Klingon. Back at Gatorland, Marty and Ollie approach the wrangler who is tossing meat into an artificial lake full of reptiles.
Ollie: Marty has agreed to wrestle in exchange for the car. However, we get to pick the gator. Does that work?
Wrangler: Buddy, you won't last ten seconds. Deal!
Marty and the wrangler shake hands.
Ollie: Great. We want to wrestle the one in the velvet pot-pie hat.
Wrangler: The what?
There is a loud roar as something massive emerges from the lake. Jump cut to the parking lot where Marty wrestles his friend Florida Man, the gator themed luchador. Ollie holds up a stopwatch that shows that the battle has just passed the ten minute mark. The wrangler pouts and hands the keys to her. We cut back to the garage. George Lucas lays face down on a couch as someone dressed as a Klingon looks at his tramp stamp.
Klingon: It says simp.
George: Ours is a simple love.
The shot fades out on a smitten George.
(Thanks to Mongo and Florida Man for allowing this.)