Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jun 12, 2023 14:43:48 GMT -5
The shot opens up on a rowdy Sacramento crowd holding up signs that say “My Mom Thinks I’m At Tap Out”, “Little Dragon Can Do It!”, “Tux Sux”, “Scarecrow Phil Never Hurt Nobody!”, “Don’t Do It Dirk!”, “DeSantis And The Anointed Can’t Handle Disney!”, “The Newest Squid Fan”, “Don’t Trust The Sheik”, “Cross Fears The Sooner Squeeze”, “The Annoying”, “The Never Would Have Happened If Dantastic Was There”, “My Boy Kilroy” and “I Hate Cross”. The shot fades to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and welcome back to Sacramento. This is the first time we’ve been back here in 18 years, 2005, and I can’t say I missed it.
The nearby fans chant “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Hey! They’re right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, before that it was 12 years, when we came here in 1993 where Dirty White Trash & The Bruiser defeated Partyman Pete & The Doomer with a flying hammerlock at The Arco Arena to win the Hardkore America Tag Team titles.
Phillip Blauer: Partyman Pete? How is that Dutch bastard?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Still partying.
Phillip Blauer: That is so Pete.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, we’re here for a great night of Hardkore action…
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your hotel room?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Across from the arguing couple, next to the guy that needs his porn movies turned all the way up? You?
Phillip Blauer: I thought my room came with a free crack pipe, but the owner came back at 4am to get it back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think that’s what the couple must have been arguing about. Cross Recoba puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Little Dragon. Little Dragon showed he belonged in the upper echelon in the WarGames match in Seattle. Now tonight, a career highlight as he takes on Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba who bested Tuxedo Mask in a ladder match. In Tacoma, Cross Recoba cost Little Dragon the Hardkore World Television title in the tournament, throwing him off the top rope before he was able to best the eventual winner, The Salford Squid.
Phillip Blauer: As we all know, Sacramento is where dreams come to die and tonight will be no different as Cross Recoba will be leaving this domestic violence capital with his belt intact.
Guillermo O’Bannon: One of our more intriguing matches of the night will be the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships. In Seattle, as we all saw, The Anointed kicked out their leader, Marty Donovan, after that brutal WarGames match. But one underappreciated development was the lack of reaction, positive or negative, by one Wesley Crane. That could be because of his championship pairing with “The Punisher” Dan Stein. Tonight they put that tag team and their championship belts on the line against Kilroy Evans and his new partner The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s side is Wes on? Who’s side is Dan on? Who’s side am I on?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The worst side, I would imagine.
Phillip Blauer: Well, great. Now you’ve ruined it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in a falls count anywhere match, Disney’s Marty Donovan gets Steve Awesome in the ring after what he did in Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: If you’re talking about getting himself over then guilty as charged!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan was betrayed by Alexander Von Blankenship, who he started The Anointed with, and Steve Awesome, who Marty had recently befriended. Again, I haven’t been a big Marty supporter since he returned to Hardkore World…
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But that was a two on one attack, and then another man he’s spilled blood with, Wesley Crane left him to the wolves.
Phillip Blauer: AVB said it. They were looking for a new leader to the pack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You are the worst friend.
Phillip Blauer: I prefer to see it as rugged individualism with a keen eye for untethering myself from toxic people. You should try it. Your wife and kid are dragging you down, compadre. It’s time to get back out there and see if a different wife and kid could be just what you need. Besides, did you see what he did in Tacoma? What kind of friend brutally attacks another friend’s scarecrow that he uses to get out of house shows?! Do you know how hard it is to get new hay these days? It can be darn near impossible, and then they want an arm and a leg for it, literally!
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Tacoma, Marty nearly took Steve Awesome’s head off with Mein van Houten’s mop.
Phillip Blauer: Wrestling is dangerous enough without involving cleaning products.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Marty gets his hands on one of his former friends, and it’s gonna go all over Sacramento.
The crowd gets another “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!” chant going.
Phillip Blauer: Poor bastards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know. Then Tuxedo Mask takes on Simon Cruise. In Seattle, after that terrible head injury in Portland this March, Moondog Dook came out dressed as Sailor Moon during his match with The Salford Squid. Tuxedo Mask came out because he thought Dook was mocking his friend Ri Eun-Ae. Dook seemingly was attracted to Tux…
Phillip Blauer: Great, now Tux is going to go missing too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After the match, Tuxedo Mask laid out both Moondog Dook and Salford Squid, so Simon Cruise came out to stand up for them, leading to tonight’s encounter. This is a match I’m looking forward to and could possibly steal the show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Alexander Von Blankenship, fresh off of selling Marty down the river, takes on the new Hardkore World Television ChampionThe Salford Squid.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, I don’t get him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid? What’s not to get?
Phillip Blauer: What’s the whole thing with him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s just proud of his hometown, and wants to represent his trainers well, and I think he’s done that.
Phillip Blauer: No, I don’t get why anyone would cheer him over AVB. Alex is handsome, intelligent, and his Dad was a big star which makes him a bigger star. The Salmon Squid is a pasty punk who got scammed by Dave Sadler, The Man of a Thousand Gimmicks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, not everyone thinks like you Phil.
The fans behind them chant “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Hey guys? I don’t need your help.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Kalmin Watts takes on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Dirk heard rumors of Watts criticizing his loss to Simon Cruise in Seattle. So in Tacoma, he took the mic and ran down Watts and his manager until they came out and challenged him to The Sooner Squeeze. Despite Mickie Fury’s protests, Dirk accepted and may have injured his ribs in the process.
Phillip Blauer: Dirk’s gotta stop listening to rumors and the dirtsheets. Now look at him, taped up ribs and quiet car rides.
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Sacramento crowd politely applaud as Moondog Dook walks out dressed as Sailor Moon. The reaction is muted and you can hear individual people talking as he nods at the camera and gnaws on his chain
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, is he still doing this nonsense?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently.
Moondog Dook starts howling the Sailor Moon theme song at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I mean, I don’t think anyone should be bullied…
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t if I were you either. Look I get it, Tux is a handsome man. There’s no denying it. You can’t stand in the way of true love, Humperdink.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But this just seems to be a horrible symptom of his most recent head trauma. Someone should really pay him a visit at his…God, where does he live now?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: The ring truck.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is standing next to the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas! You just pop out of nowhere, don’t ya?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We now go to our Hardkore Fashion Reporter, Yolanda Ando. Yolanda?
Yolanda Ando: Moondog Dook is a gross Albino hillbilly with a wild beard and hair, with tattered jean shorts, barefeet, and a rope for a belt.
Moondog Dook staggers into the ring and circles it round and round, barking at the fans
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Golden 1 Center for tonight’s Hardkore World action!”
The fans do the Sacramento Kings “LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM!” chant. Greg pauses to let them finish
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is that? Is it stupid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s stupid.
Phillip Blauer: I knew it. I knew it was stupid.
“LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM!” the Golden 1 Arena continues to chant. Greg nods and smiles warmly at the audience
Greg Jin: “Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
Moondog gets a mixed reaction as he chews on the top rope
The lights in the Golden 1 Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains
I am the roughest of waves
I'm the toughest of terrors
I am the darkest of days
I'm the last one that's standing,
Don't try to stand in my way,
Cause I've been up against better,
Just take a look at my face
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. zooms into Joe Nobody's face who smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, out of Detroit, the man who held the PTSD Openweight Championship for a record 732 days, Joe Nobody!
Phillip Blauer: Pfft, I’ve held PTSD for way longer than that, junior. Try waking up every night from night terrors after a lasik eye surgery botch that cost me an eyebrow. See?
Phil shows him his eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: I gotta glue this bad boy on every night. So what’s this guy’s name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: No, I’m asking you. What’s his name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t get snippy with me, Buster. I’m asking you his name.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And I’m telling you, he’s Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: I know that, but what am I supposed to call him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: So you’re telling me to call him Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, what’s his name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: His name is Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes.
Phillip Blauer: (rolls his eyes) So if I go to this guy’s house. Wait for his mailman. Kill his mailman. Take his mailman’s clothes and go to his mailman’s house and live there for a while. Raise his kids and be the husband that mailman never could, and do his mailman’s route, and deliver a letter to his house, his name is going to be Nobody??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t do that.
Phillip Blauer: (still doing the bit) It’s gonna be addressed to Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (horrified) Phil, that sounds incredibly planned out. If you can hear me in there, don’t do that.
Phillip Blauer: (committed to the bit) That’s what I’m trying to ask ya!!
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps up the ring stairs, he stops. Nobody turns around to give a young fan his signature fedora
Phillip Blauer: That’s probably that child’s first hat that doesn’t say Sacramento Kings on it. Look at him. He has no idea what it is. “Do I eat it?”
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is a 17 year veteran who thought he was done with wrestling, but he think he’s got a good run left in him. He says that he represents the gritty side of the squared circle, and life on the road has hardened him into one of the top talents on the scene today of any weight or size, and we’re happy to have him here on the West Coast!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, Making his Hardkore Debut…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Sacramento fans give him a polite reaction for his first appearance though it is clear there are some pockets that recognize him from his appearance in other territories
Joe Nobody vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as our show is live! Joe Nobody dashes from his corner and engages with the Moondog
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody twists under his arm into a standing arm bar. He clamps down and wrenches on Moondog’s arm.
Nobody transitions the armbar to a drop toe hold and then wheels around to a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The more powerful Dook sees the opportunity and takes it, powering both men to their feet and driving them into the corner.
Retreating into the center of the ring, Moondog Dook charges and spreads his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook charges in with a splash, but Joe moves out the way!
Moondog Dook staggers out of the corner andJoe Nobody dragon screws him to the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using an arm to lift him, Nobody lifts up Dook and then wraps an arm around him, then snaps back into a russian leg sweep!
Nobody rolls them both back to their feet and throws an elbow into the sternum of the Moondog
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody whacks Dook upside the head with a superkick!
Moondog Dook falls through the ropes out onto the the floor. Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody runs along the apron, hops onto the second turnbuckle, and turns around into a springboard dropkick to Moondog Dook on the floor!!
The Sacramento pops and Nobody rolls Dook back into the ring. He steps back in and hits the ropes, catching Moondog Dook with a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Moondog Dook kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Whenever I see a homeless guy with a dog, I always think that’s a status symbol. Like “Hey, I can feed this thing too!”
The Prince of Perfection tries to keep the pressure on and brings Dook to his feet but Dook bites his head, driving him back into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: Nobody needs to get some shots after that. And I’m not talking about the one he has with his Corgi.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using his sheer size to pin his opponent in, the Moondog throws combinations of rights and lefts that pepper the body of Nobody.
Mixing it up, Dook throws a headbutt that brings Joe stumbling out of the corner. Dook flips him to the mat with a big back body drop that takes him to the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook measures up the Man from Michigan before landing a knee drop that connects with the head of his opponent.
Hauling Joe to his feet, Dook grabs the hair of his opponent and uses it to drag him back to the corner. He rears the head back to drive it into the turnbuckle but Joe puts a foot on the middle turnbuckle to block it, popping the crowd, then elbows Dook in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another elbow to the rib cage followed by a knee doubles the Moondog over and Nobody takes Dook in a front facelock then drills his head into the mat with a tornado DDT!
Dazed, the Moondog staggers to his feet and Nobody rushes at him with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Seeing his opponent on one knee, Joe Nobody sprints to the ropes and puts him down with a picture perfect dropkick that puts him face down on the mat!
Going back to the ropes Joe builds up speed and sprints past Dook, trying to get back to his feet, Nobody comes off the other ropes and hits him with his running STO
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and the fans cheer as Joe Nobody hops up with his arms raised.
Greg Jin: “At 5 minutes 38 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of the kid in the audience that Joe gave the fedora to who is clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: He said it is time to turn men into gods…
Phillip Blauer: What in Sam Hill does that mean?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess we’re about to find out after Nobody easily handles Moondog Dook.
Phillip Blauer: Who handled Dook?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t wanna keep doing this…
We go backstage where The Blessed One, Alexander Von Blankenship , moments before his scheduled match up here in Sacramento.
An intense look on his face, almost annoyed. He notices the camera and begins to speak.
Pathetic. A Roast Beef Cult? That's what you refer to the Anointed as now, huh, Marty? The brotherhood that took you in, brought you success, until you became so self absorbed, and began making everything about you. But you know what's more annoying than that Marty? It's watching all these mark ass fans and turds in the back asking "Is Marty ok?" , Acting as if you didn't deserve what the Anointed did to you. Acting as if you weren't on top of their most hated list 3 weeks ago. What they should be asking, if they were really concerned is if the Anointed, if Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome are ok, if we are fine, after what we had to do to ensure the continuance of the brotherhood that is the Anointed. After we had to cut out the selfish, cancerous , cell that we used to call a brother. They should be asking if Wesley Crane is fine, but no no no, they are more worried about your egomaniac Mouse loving ass. In case you were wondering though Marty, it was tough, it's been a rough road, but Awesome and I are ok. We made the best decision for the Anointed, and even though it hurt us oh so badly....
AVB feigns a broken heart and tries to muster up his best broken heart face.
We have endured the deep pain that was beating the magical churros and over priced mouse ears out of you, and have recovered. Weasley though, he is having a slightly rougher time with things, but Steve and I are very understanding, we have given him his space, but tonight , in SacTown, I am sure that he will do the right thing, and see the brotherhood that the Anointed provides him is the one and only way to the top of Hardkore World.
Just then we hear AVB's music hit. He smirks at the camera, that trademark Cheshire Cat smile.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go unleash some of this built up heartbreak and sorrow upon some punk ass kid. See ya around, Marty.
Jonnie Valentine: So I pick up the phone and the cop says “Is this Hardkore Jonnie Valentine?” and I say “Yes?” and they say, “You better come down here.”
An old “Giant” Baba O’Reilly is smoking next to his oxygen tank he’s hooked up to
“Giant” Baba O’Reilly: I probably could have lasted 5 more years as a wrestler, but I couldn’t last another second being his partner.
Jonnie Valentine: I stopped him before he went out there, and I said. “Now, you know what I need you to do out there, right?” and he nodded. I think he understood but…that reporter barely got his question out before he just started biting him. And it was everywhere. SNL’s opening skit, Jay Leno had it in every monologue. I thought were gonna get shut down…
Dr. Tojo Sushi: Look, no one knows what went on between Moondog Dook and Reginald St. Jock in that shower before we all showed up. I just remember hearing this…guttural noise.
Carl Valentine Jr.: Look, sex tapes were a big thing back then, they were everywhere. But this tape. I had to turn it off. It was like watching The Ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match that has some ill feelings involved.
Phillip Blauer: By George, this should be a treat! I’ve never seen one of those before.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It sounds as if Kalmin Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan may have made some comments in the locker room to fire up Dirk van Thijmen. In Tacoma, Thijmen took umbrage with them and that brought out Kalmin Watts. Watts challenged him to The Sooner Squeeze, and against his wife’s advice, Dirk van Thijmen accepted.
Phillip Blauer: Of course. What does she know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leading to Kalmin Watts possibly injuring Dirk van Thijmen’s ribs.
Phillip Blauer: Well, like they say, “happy wife, happy life”.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Sacramento fans cheer as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury and his ribs taped. He winces as he walks
Guillermo O’Bannon: And the rumors appear to be true, Dirk van Thijmen did sustain some rib injuries in Tacoma, Washington.
Phillip Blauer: That makes no sense. I had it on good authority from Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. that he was, and I quote, “hunky dory!” Hunky dory!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (holds his ear) I heard you, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I should have listened to that damn cat. Melton Purrtown.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen winces as he walks down to the ring. Mickie Fury pats him on the shoulder as the crowd chants “MICKIE! MICKIE! MICKIE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen defeated Dana “The Drone” Daniels in the first round of the Hardkore World Television title tournament, and then beat Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling Champion The Hurricane in the second round before getting injured by Kalmin Watts. He limped into the finals and was defeated by The Salford Squid Callum Cornwall for the TV title.
Mickie Fury helps Dirk van Thijmen into the ring, and he steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen admits he partied a lot in the Arenas section of Palm Springs, but says that he has trained enough for this match. He’s heard the people that say he should have dropped out of this match, but he never backs down from a challenge.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury definitely has heat with Anthony Jordan. She has repeatedly said that as far as she is concerned, Kalmin’s manager has a huge target on his back.
Phillip Blauer: I know I say this every Dirk van Thijmen match, but I think his wife has a serious crush on his opponent. It’s crazy how that works out every time.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit and is for the WRESTLE UK TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Sacramento crowd gives Dirk a big pop
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Golden 1 Center cheers as Kalmin Watts, wearing his Wrestle: UK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said, Kalmin Watts’ manager might have egged this on a little without his client’s knowledge, but he’s here to deal with the fallout.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what a good manager does sometimes. Shake up the ant hill and see how you respond. I once had manager send my sex tape instead of my resume reel. Did I get the job? No. Can I go to Baltimore? Not without a police escort. But the important thing was it took me out of my comfort zone.
Kalmin Watts slaps hands with the fans and he walks down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts also seems to be worried about Marty Donovan looking for support.
Phillip Blauer: Good heavens. Is he sniffing around these poor people now? The man is a collegiate wrestler and his degenerate manager. Read the room, Monty!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty. Nevertheless, Marty has his tentative endorsement in his falls count anywhere match with Steve Awesome later on tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, that and a dollar won’t get you a cup of coffee.
Yolanda Ando: Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Sacramento crowd gives Kalmin Watts a huge ovation as he stands with his arms crossed, nodding
Kalmin Watts vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
The fans are on their feet as the bell rings, and Thijmen and Watts face off in the center of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: They circle each other slowly, and then lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up. Kalmin Watts does a go behind. But then Dirk reverses it into a go behind rear waistlock.
Kalmin Watts arm drags his way out of it, but Dirk comes back with a head scissors into a leg vice. Watts whips his body out so that he lands on his feet. They both spring to their feet and stare at one another. The audience applauds
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men are very gifted at grappling. They lock up again, and this time Kalmin does a go behind and grabs a hammerlock. He cranks up van Thijmen’ wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow.
Dirk van Thijmem does a go behind and grabs a chicken wing of his own. Watts tries to elbow out of it, but Dirk ducks and tightens up on the hammerlock. Mickie Fury claps from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts escapes the chicken wing with a fireman’s carry into an armbar.
The crowd gives them another round of applause. Watts sticks his knee into van Thijmen’s shoulder, and crushes that trapped arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen works his way to his feet with Watts hanging on to that armbar. He slips his arm out and twists Watts’ arm. Van Thijmen gives the Sooner’s arm another twist.
Kalmin Watts tucks his head and rolls into a somersault to untwist his own arm. He grabs van Thijmen by the head and snap mares him to the mat. He moves in but van Thijmen gives him a snap mare of his own. Both men freeze, trying to anticipate the others’ next move, and the Sacramento crowd breaks out in more applause. Dirk winces and holds is ribs for a second
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen darts in trying to get behind Watts, but Watts fends him off, moving behind him before going for a throw. Thijmen blocks, and twists away. Neither man has gained an advantage yet in this chess match.
Dirk van Thijmen gives him a quick nod that draws a grim smile from Watts. The two circle again, and then Thijmen comes in low grabbing for Watts’ legs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Watts draws back, driving a quick knee into Thijmen’s face. Thijmen staggers back, and Watts pushes him into the ropes, going for the grapple. Thijmen grabs the ropes, and Kelly O’Connell calls for a break.
Watts draws back, and Thijmen hits him with a stiff elbow across the face. Kelly O’Connell gives Dirk a look for not giving her a clean break but he just shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen starts laying heavy forearms across Watts’ back. Battering away at him before he forces him into the corner.
The Golden 1 Center boos, as Dirk van Thijmen chokes Kalmin Watts with a boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk breaks at the four count, before he goes back in!
Phillip Blauer: Showing us some of that famous Belgian temper.
The fans are furious as Mickie Watts argues with Kelly O’Connell about the count, distracting her as Dirk van Thijmen does more damage with his boot choke. Finally Dirk draws back to fire Watts at the far corner, but Watts reverses it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen comes out of the corner only to be caught by Watts with a release belly to belly suplex that sends him flying across the ring!
The crowd cheers loudly, and AJ nods with approval as Watts makes the cover
…ONE!
…Dirk van Thijmen gets his foot on the ropes
The fans cheer, and Watts nods as he hauls Thijmen to his feet before he delivers a chop to his chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts whacks Dirk with another chop, and another, backing him into the corner. He looks around, and then scoops him up before he runs across the ring to deliver a running powerslam!
The fans cheer, and Watts goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Anthony Jordan slaps the ring, yelling at Kelly O’Connell who holds up a two! Watts starts to pull Thijmen back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a suplex, but Dirk blocks it. Kalmin tries again, and Thijmen once more gets his leg between Watts to block!
The fans boo, and then Watts tries again! But Thijmen breaks way, and kicks Watts in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen counters with a quick gut wrench suplex of his own!
A pop from the fans. Watts starts to rise, but Thijmen leaps on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen digging his fingers into his shoulder as he applies a shoulder claw. The Glorious Wolf targeting nerves in Kalmin Watts’ shoulder and arm for this painful submission.
Kalmin Watts grits his teeth as he tries to get free before reaching for the ropes. On the outside, Anthony Jordan starts clapping, trying to get the crowd to join in. Thijmen twists away, tightening the hold as he pressed down. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Kalmin Watts shakes his head at her. The audience starts clapping louder and louder, as Watts feeds off their energy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts starts to slowly rise as the fans stomp their feet!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen Thijmen shakes his head, clearly stunned. Mickie Fury tries to shush the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts breaks free! He turns, and swings at Thijmen who ducks under him before locking an arm around his waist to throw him backwards! Watts rolls through, and goes for the clothesline! Empty air! Thijmen gets behind, and hits the swinging neckbreaker!
The fans cheer, and Watts is down holding his neck as Thijmen goes for the quick cover! But he doesn’t hook the legs
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Dirk van Thijmen grabs for him to lock on a front facelock! Mickie Fury applauds, and Thijmen mocks Anthony Jordan as he tightens the hold
Phillip Blauer: Some good old fashioned mockery.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts tries to reach for the ropes, but is hauled back as the hold is tightened.He rolls Watts over, going for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up
Van Thijmen curses, and tightens the front facelock again. He wrenches on Watts’ head, twisting and pulling
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts strains to get the rope before he is rolled over again as Dirk van Thijmen demands Kelly O’Connell count!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up
Thijmen curses some more, and glares at Kelly O’Connell as he flexes his arms to keep the front facelock on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts finally moves to get a boot on the ropes. Kelly O’Connell demands a break, but Dirk van Thijmen holds until four.
Phillip Blauer: That is his right. The man broke his ribs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen starts stomping and kicking at Watts' back, driving his boots into his spine before Kelly O’Connell forces him back.
Anthony Jordan complains to Kelly O’Connell while Watts drags himself up the ropes with a shake of his head. He is holding at his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen runs at him before Watts ducks low to flung him across the top rope! The Glorious Wolf landed on the edge of the apron, and Watts delivers a hard clothesline that sends Thijmen to the floor!
Dirk van Thijmen lands on his feet, hitting the apron as he glares around angrily. He yells at Anthony Jordan, then begins arguing with Kelly O’Connell before he steps towards the Role Model with his fist pulled back. Jordan glares at him, not moving
Phillip Blauer: Finally, someone’s gonna shut Tony Bologna’s big yap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Kalmin Watts is on the outside, and grabs him to run at the ringpost, but Thijmen reverses, and drives his shoulder into the steel!
The fans groan, and Watts staggers before Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen smacks him with another hard chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen delivers a few more chops before he flings Watts inside the ring. Dirk drops for the cover but he’s got his feet on the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kelly O’Connell stops and shoves Wolf’s feet from the ropes!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, Kelly caught him.
Kelly O’Connell warns Dirk that the next time he tries that she’ll disqualify him. Mickie Fury gets involved in the argument while Dirk van Thijmen points and glares as he looms over her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Dirk van Thijmen from behind and rolls him up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A frustrated van Thijmen rolls to his feet before Watts flips him end over end with a rising clothesline!
The Golden 1 Center explodes! Anthony Jordan pounds the mat in celebration and Kalmin Watts irish whips Dirk into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches him and nails a stiff spinebuster!
The impact bounces Dirk up into a sitting position. The audience cheers, and van Thijmen rolls around in pain holding his ribs. Watts stalks around and drops the straps, causing the crowd to get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts crouches in the corner, and motions for the Glorious Wolf to rise!
Van Thijem staggers upwards, and Watts goes for the TACKLE! But Thijmen moves aside, and Watts slams into the post and turnbuckles! He staggers, holding at his shoulder as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen avoided that tackle and Kalmin Watts hit the corner post with his shoulder! Dirk grabs him, and delivers his bearhug suplex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR-Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts kicked out of the bearhug suplex!
The crowd roars! Watts is on his feet but van Thijmen grabs him suddenly. Dirk lifts him, and goes for an inverted atomic drop but Kalmin blocks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts shoves him backwards into the ropes. Thijmen comes off, and is caught with the Oklahoma Hammer right in those injured ribs!!
Watts winces, favoring his shoulder before he jumps up and performs a leg scissors around the van Thijmen’s torso. The fans leap to their feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! Dirk van Thijmen tries to fight it, but he eventually falls to the mat!
The Sacramento crowd are cheering for Kalmin Watts while van Thijmen is shaking his head as Kelly O’Connell asks him if he wants to give up. Mickie Fury pleads with Dirk to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury doesn’t want to see her husband injure himself any further, urging him to give up. Meanwhile, Dirk van Thijmen strains for the ropes. His fingers falling just short as Kalmin Watts pushes backwards!
Kelly O’Connell continues asking Dirk if he wants to end it. Mickie Fury continues to call Dirk’s name. Van Thijman lunges again for the ropes but Watts tightens the body scissors with his tree like legs. A towel lands next to O’Connell
Phillip Blauer: You see, Galilea? Not everyone loves this Kalmin Watts. Someone threw a towel at him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I believe Mickie Fury is throwing in the towel for her husband who simply should not continue.
Kelly O’Connell sees the towel and picks it up. She looks at Mickie Fury and asks her if she’s sure. She hesitantly nods and O’Connell signals for the bell. The Sacramento crowd erupts and Kalmin Watts immediately releases The Sooner Squeeze as “Twenties” by Ghost plays
Phillip Blauer: Hey! He gets TWO theme songs? Hardkore Audio Kenny Valentine Jr. can barely remember one song!
Guillermo O’Bannon: They think Kenny is ready.
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes 3 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Golden 1 Center is cheering wildly, as Kelly O’Connell and Anthony Jordan raise Kalmin Watts’ arms. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and Mickie Fury check on Dirk van Thijman in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury acting in the best interest of her husband there, and Kalmin Watts picks up a hard fought victory over the 17 year veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijman which will hopefully put him in contention for a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba.
Kalmin Watts gets out of the ring and slaps hands with the fans as he walks back to the locker room. Mickie Fury helps Dirk van Thijman walk back to the locker room with David Valentine Jr. leading the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury probably saved Dirk from serious injury there, fans we have much more to come, stay tuned!
Guillermo O’Bannon[/font]: From having his historic world title run ended, to being turned on by The Anointed, and subsequently embraced by Kilroy Evans - Marty Donovan has been on an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. Fans have a lot of questions for Disney's Own, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to introduce a new segment. Earlier in the week Marty had a not quite sit-down interview with Simon Cruise to address his current situation, fortunately cameras were on hand. Let's roll the footage now...[/b]
The image fades into the fabulous Typhoon Lagoon in Walt Disney World Resort. Currently shut to the general public, as the park focuses on Blizzard Beach, the controlled area is perfect for Simon Cruise who is rocking a lime green boogie board. Marty Donovan is trying his luck on a black beginner board, and clearly only agreed to the interview as a means of promoting Typhoon Lagoon.
Marty Donovan: Like this?
Simon Cruise: It's all in the hips!
A production assistant signals to Cruise, suggesting that cameras are rolling. The waters get rougher as the two men begin to surf.
Simon Cruise: WELCOME HARDKORE WORLD TO CATCHING THE WAVE! If I'm at Disney World, than my guest at this time can only be Marty Donovan-
Marty Donovan: Pleasure to be-
...Marty wipes out.
JUMP CUT.
Though drenched, Marty is once again on his board.
Simon Cruise: Cross Recoba was the first star to win the HKW world title that wasn't working for the company in the early 2000s. How long before you rescue the strap back for the old guard-
Marty Donovan: It is only-
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Marty is starting to look green from the amount of Typhoon Lagoon he has inhaled, but is once again on his board.
Simon Cruise: Of all The Anointed members that betrayed you, which do you take closes to heart?
Marty Donovan: Without a doubt, I never would have-
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Shivering, possibly in the early stages of pneumonia - Marty Donovan is once again reset to his position on the board.
Simon Cruise: Not to pry dude, but this question was requested more than any other- when are you going to make an honest woman out of Ollie?
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Marty Donovan: This feels a lot more like water boarding.
Simon Cruise: Heavy.
When the image returns, Marty is actually shredding.
Marty Donovan: I think I've finally got the hang of this- yes- yes- this is actually a lot of fun!
Simon Cruise: Tight.
Marty Donovan: Yeah, I got this - shoot!
Simon Cruise: Do you feel your obsession with the juvenile iconography of your sponsor is indicative of an arrested development brought on by growing up in a broken home?
...Looking like someone just punched him in the stomach, Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Paramedics perform CPR on a drowned Marty. Things look grim.
Simon Cruise: ...
Marty Donovan: HHAAAAAAWWWWWW-
Eventually Marty gags up a few dozen litres of Typhoon Lagoon. As he gasps for air, alive, Simon turns back to the camera with a winning smile.
Simon Cruise: Tight! Thanks again to my guest, Marty Donovan! Until next time, I'm Simon Cruise, and we have been CATCHING THE WAVE!
Cruise goes back to his boogie boarding, while Marty looks like a drowned rat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up fans is a match between two of the young lions of Hardkore World. Always Very Blessed, Alexander Von Blankenship…
Phillip Blauer: Known by myself and a very select few as “AVB”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right. Taking on the new Hardkore World Television Champion Callum Cornwall in a non-title match.
Phillip Blauer: AVB is rehabilitating a brand that had lost it’s way. Like Amway.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall is on quite a roll tonight, and a win over AVB could shoot him into contention for yet another belt. Wesley Crane’s Hardkore West Coast Championship.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Sacramento fans pop. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Television title strapped around his waist
Phillip Blauer: Sweet sassy molassy! When did he get that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: On our TV taping in Tacoma?
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I bet my scarecrow enjoyed that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well…
Callum Cornwall gets into the ring and then stands on the second rope, holding his Hardkore World Television title over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall on an undefeated streak here tonight, he beat Moondog Dook in Seattle and then in Tacoma, he beat The Scorpion, Little Dragon, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen all in one night to become the first Hardkore World TV Champion in 15 years since 2008 and Cecil Kennedy.
Phillip Blauer: Is that the guy that only did arm moves or the one that killed the lady?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Um, I think he did a lot of arm moves?
Phillip Blauer: That’s the one.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall proud to win the same title his trainer “Rage” Dave Sadler won 15 years ago by defeating Psychotic Goth in a three levels of Hell match at the East Midlands Centre in Nottingham, England back in 2008 for Hardkore Britain.
Phillip Blauer: Who was I in Hardkore Britain?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They called you Mulligan. Callum Cornwall not the most popular guy in the locker room right now after refusing to believe Marty Donovan has seen the light, vowing to make the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion tap.
Phillip Blauer: Squid are the least trusting of the molluscs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight will be his biggest challenge, taking on Alexander Von Blankenship who was a finalist in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. He says AVB is overrated and a nepo baby, and he’s the one not impressed with Von Blankenship. He says after he makes quick work of AVB, he’s going to continue his undefeated streak to get a shot at Irish Rage in Dublin.
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds The Current HARDKORE WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere
The Golden 1 Center boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, shushing the booing crowd. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Look at it, Gustavo. That’s the face of that moves 3 million roast beef and cheddars a quarter. He’s like the young wolf who sees that the leader of the pack is getting too much caribou. He’s not letting the rest of us eat caribou, because this greedy, egomaniacal wolf just eats every inch of it. So what do you do with a wolf like that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bring up your issues with him privately and see how you can thrive together?
Phillip Blauer: Are you goofy, boy? He’s a wolf! They don’t have any understanding of resolving workplace issues.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl
Yolanda Ando: How do you know the leader of the pack is a man?
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake. He just is in this metaphor. Look you guys are ruining this. The correct answer is if you want more caribou, you kill him and eat the caribou that would have gone to him.
AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why is that your answer for everything?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, it’s just the way it’s been since I lost my little brother at a mall and then had the sweetest summer of my life until those idiot cops found him three states away.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try and touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship claims that Cullen Cornwall hasn’t been in the ring with anyone of note since he began wrestling. He is somehow upset that the fans aren’t more concerned about his emotional well being after he himself betrayed Marty Donovan, and now he’s going to unleash all the anger on Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: It’s a sound strategy. We’ll see if it works.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship also calling out Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba a few weeks ago, so he’s hoping that his showing here tonight puts him in line for a shot at him in the coming months.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Official Wrestler of Arby’s, who ask you to try the new Steakhouse Garlic Ribeye Sandwich, available at all participating locations; ‘Arby’s: We Have The Meats’; The Second Generation Jackpot, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos as Alexander Von Blankenship pretends to pray in the corner
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell but Alexander Von Blankenship immediately leaves the ring. The Sacramento fans boo him and chant “CULERO! CULERO! CULERO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on. The match hasn’t even started.
Phillip Blauer: The young man needs a breather. That was quite the entrance.
Callum Cornwall rolls his eyes as Tommy Milligan tries to convince Alexander Von Blankenship to get back in the ring. AVB says “I decide when the match starts, you gin bag!” and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: That was some harsh honesty that frankly Tommy needed to hear.
Some fans get to close to Von Blankenship and he smacks one of their hands away. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets between AVB and the fan who tries to jump the railing. AVB motions for him to do something, “Tough guy.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hate it here.
AVB points to his chin, while Larry Valentine Jr. has the fan pinned back. Von Blankenship reaches over and smacks the guy’s Sacramento Kings hat off his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB turns around and is taken down by a suicide dive from Callum Cornwall, “The Salford Squid”!!
The Golden 1 Center roars as Alexander Von Blankenship and Callum Cornwall lie on the floor
Phillip Blauer: That is definitely being stuck with the baked pears, as I understand it.
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwalkk picks Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall irish whips Alexander Von Blankenship shoulder first into the corner post!!
AVB clutches his shoulder as he stumbles on the floor. The Squid stays on the attack and squats down to let AVB stumble back onto the Squid’s shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall stands up, showing impressive power from the youngster, with AVB on his shoulders! The Squid lowers his head and throws AVB down!
AVB’s tries to shield his head from the apron, but that further hurts his shoulder. The crowd cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Television Champion rolls AVB into the ring, and drops his knee pad. Reminiscent of one of his heroes, Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: I cannot fathom why.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid drives his knee into AVB’s vulnerable shoulder with The Muscle Killer.
The Sacramento crowd cheers the familiar Muscle Killer. Cornwall hits a second one as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall applies an arm bar. He wrenches up on Alexander Von Blankenship’s trapped arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
AVB groans in pain as the fans gleefully encourage him to tap out. Von Blankenship reaches across with his right hand to attempt to lock his hands to take pressure off the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid eases off the hold to drive his left heel into Alexander Von Blankenship’s sternum. AVB’s hands unlock, then Cornwall reapplies the arm bar!
Alexander Von Blankenship tries to drag the lighter wrestler to the ropes, but is too far away. AVB again tries to lock his hands. However, when the Squid goes to drive his heel AVB uses release to roll onto his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship quickly rolls onto his knees when Callum Cornwall still has his left arm. AVB lifts the Squid off the mat and powerbombs him down!!
Cornwall releases the hold, but the awkward position causes further damage to AVB’s left shoulder. The fans boo Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men get up, but Alexander Von Blankenship drives his right elbow in the Callum’s face. AVB mounts the Squid and begins assaulting him with punches from his right fist!
Phillip Blauer: He’s tenderizing the Squid!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos until Tommy Milligan forces a break. AVB accepts the break and stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship pretends to break, but then goes right back to stomping on Cornwall!
Phillip Blauer: He changed his mind.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s obvious that von Blankenship is embarrassed about the opening moments of the match and wants revenge.
Phillip Blauer: Wouldn’t you? He was embarrassed in front of a Kings fan. A KINGS FAN!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure, but…anyway, AVB picks Callum Cornwall up and whips him into the corner. Von Blankenship hits him with a stiff chop!
Another hard chop can be heard through the entire Golden 1 Center and leaves a beet red hand print on The Squid’s lilly white chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship picks Cornwall up, turns, and falls back into the ropes hitting the stun gun!
The Salford Squid’s neck hits the top rope and then he falls back. The Sacramento fans jeer as AVB then applies an arm bar of his own while mocking the Squid.”My Dad was better than Sadler!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fortunately for the Squid, he’s close enough to the ropes to force a break. Tommy Milligan starts giving AVB the 5 count.
AVB stands up and bows for the crowd who treat him to loud boos. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall gets under the ropes and is trying to pull himself to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs Cornwall’s legs, cinches up, then falls back slingshotting the Squid’s neck into the bottom rope!
Callum Cornwall coughs and grabs his throat before rolling to the outside. AVB follows him out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship grabs a chair and slides it into the ring!
As Tommy Milligan chases it down and removes the chair from the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the Squid in the balls! The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Ha! He totally got you.
Alexander Von Blankenship picks up Callum Cornwall and forces him back into the ring. AVB slides in and makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB fakes like he’s going to punch Squid in the balls and gets a flinch.
Alexander Von Blankenship laughs, then slaps the Squid in the face! The Sacramento fans shower heat on him from all over
Phillip Blauer: Luckily wrestling has that Two For Flinching rule.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Callum Cornwall up and hits an atomic drop. AVB keeps the Squid up, turns him around, and hits a reverse atomic drop.
Von Blankenship smirks as Cornwall can only clutch at his scrotum and fall to the mat. AVB makes another cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB knows that making Callum Cornwall kick out only increases the pain.
Phillip Blauer: Some Dads teach you how to bait a hook, some teach how to kick a man in the balls.
Alexander Von Blankenship stands up and yells “Always Very Blessed!” to the crowd. They start chanting “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” in response. AVB pulls Cornwall up to his feet and irish whips into the corner. As Cornwall bounces out, AVB hits a superkick under his chin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship responds to that perceived disrespectful act by mounting Squid and punching him.
Phillip Blauer: The only way he’s gonna learn.
Tommy Milligan breaks them up again. AVB walks across the ring and drops to a knee. He motions to his right fist to show he is getting ready for Baptism! The crowd boos as the Salford Squid fights to get back to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall stands up and turns around. Von Blankenship rushes in looking to finish his opponent off with that Bapstim superman punch, but the Squid ducks! As AVB turns around, Cornwall catches his left arm, jumps up, tucks his knees in, and brings Von Blankenship’s left shoulder down across the Squid’s knees a la a backstabber.
The crowd lets out a loud pop as Alexander Von Blankenship clutches at his shoulder and rolls around on the mat. The Salford Squid tries to recover and get back into the match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall pulls AVB up by his left arm, then applies a wrist lock. The Squid going back to that arm as he jumps up and snaps Von Blankenship’s wrist down to put more strain on AVB’s bad shoulder.
Cornwall transitions into a hammer lock, and Alexander Von Blankenship groans in pain. AVB fights to free himself. The smaller Squid releases, and AVB’s momentum spins him around. Callum Cornwall catches him in a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall looks for The Confidence of Syberus, but Alexander Von Blankenship counters by wrapping his arms around Squid’s torso to block.
Callum Cornwall elbows AVB in the head to break Von Blankenshi’s grasp. He looks for the Confidence of Syberus again, but Alexander Von Blankenship keeps his right arm down to prevent the Squid from hooking it. He counters into a suplex position, cradles the leg, and swings into a lightning spiral
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Blessing!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Sacramento crowd boos as “Blessed Up” by Wande plays. Alexander Von Blankenship takes a moment to catch his breath, then does a sign of the cross over the beaten Callum Cornwall
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 34 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
Tommy Milligan tries to raise Von Blankenship’s bad shoulder, but he snatches it away angrily. AVB points to his good arm, and Milligan raises that one
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was definitely an angrier, edgier Alexander Von Blankenship than we are used to. Now that he is not tethered to Marty Donovan, he definitely seems a lot more dangerous. The Anointed have one win tonight over the undefeated Hardkore World Television Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, let’s see how his partner Steve Awesome does in his falls count anywhere match with Disney’s Marty Donovan.
Fade up on Hardkore Audio Kenny Valentine Jr. sitting behind the audio board backstage in the gorilla position at the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington.
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Hi, I’m Kenny Valentine, and I do the ring music here at Hardkore World.
Before this, I did the homeroom announcements at my high school, and we would play 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” during the birthday announcements. This is pretty much the same thing.
My job is to play the correct wrestler’s ring music when I get my cue from my uncle Jonnie.
When someone is going to interfere in a match, I’m also supposed to play their music, but I…don’t deal well under pressure
Cut to earlier in the evening during the “Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall vs. Moondog Dook. Tuxedo Mask walks up to the gorilla position, irate.
Tuxedo Mask: (passes Kenny) Play my music, Scruffy!
Tuxedo Mask walks through the curtain to boos
Kenny Valentine Jr.: (panicked) Ok, what is his song again? It’s about kidneys, or is it by The Kidneys? Gotta play something…maybe no one will notice if I just stay real still.
Cut to later in the match when Tuxedo Mask hits a split legged moonsault on Moondog Dook. At the audio board, Kenny is still trying to not move so no one notices. Simon Cruise runs by gorilla on his way out to the ring to help
Simon Cruise: (passes Kenny) Coming through, dude!
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Oh…ok! Dude! Um, was it a Radiohead song? No. No, Radiohead doesn’t have a ukulele player. Or do they?
Kevin Valentine Jr. walks by drinking from a metal water flask
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Hey, Kev? Does Radiohead have a ukulele player?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Uh, I think so? That might have been the guy that left. Why?
Kenny notices the window has closed
Kenny Valentine Jr.:Oh…no reason.
Cut back to Kenny from later on that evening
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Sometimes. When one of these guys is a jerk to me. I really wanna play something other than their ring music. Then they would know. Kenny’s the one’s in charge.
Kenny nods confidently
Tuxedo Mask: KENNY!
Kenny jumps in shock
Tuxedo Mask: Where was my music, Scruffy?
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Sorry Mr. Mask.
Tux walks off
Tuxedo Mask: Unbelievable…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up is a match I think could steal the show, Tuxedo Mask wrestling Simon Cruise. In Seattle, Simon Cruise came down and stopped Tux from attacking Moondog Dook and the Hardkore World Television “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall when Dook showed up dressed as Ri Eun-Ae.
Phillip Blauer: I gotta say, I have completely changed my tune on Tuxedo Mask. I used to think he was an arrogant hot dog with no morals and hung around Kilroy. Then he stopped hanging around Kilroy. That being said, I was concerned when Tux savagely beat a man with a recent head injury, but when he did the same thing to that Squidward kid, I decided it was hunky dory.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has been on quite a run as well, with this being the most serious competition since he came to the West Coast.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dana “The Drone” Daniels in Oakland, Moondog Dook in Portland, Biker Daddy in Bend, Little Dragon at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen in Seattle. Simon Cruise has beat them all, but he says tonight he steps into the ring against a former Hardkore Light Heavyweight Champion and a 20+ year veteran, he respects Tux and his past.
Moondog Dook starts staggering down to the ring in the aisleway, dressed as Sailor Moon
Guillermo O’Bannon: And look who it is, Moondog Dook is here to join us.
Phillip Blauer: Historically, that’s never been a good thing. It’s the epitome of subtraction by addition.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, would you look at that?
Phillip Blauer: Pshaw, I could do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil, despite everyone preferring Yolanda last month, your doctor said no more head injuries because we have really overdone them recently.
Yolanda Ando: Aw, pooey. Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry, Yo Yo. Simon Cruise watched alot of anime to help understand what Moondog Dook is going through and what makes Tuxedo Mask tick.
Phillip Blauer: And now he can talk to Carl. 3.75
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. perks up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise standing up for Dook and Squid tonight, having Moondog Dook in his corner for the biggest matches he’s had here in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Sacramento crowd pops loudly as Simon Cruise flashes a hang loose sign at them
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer.
Phillip Blauer: You know what true friends do? If some dirty hobo dresses up like them, you do a moonsault on them. It’s what I did when someone showed up to a Halloween party dressed as James Woods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says he is on his own now. No more Cupcake Crew or Society of the New Breed. He’s only out for himself, which he proved by turning on his friend Kilroy Evans.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance
Phillip Blauer: He’s back to flipping. Oh how I missed those.
Tux sees Moondog Dook dressed as Ri Eun-Ae and avoids him the best he can
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask appears to be unnerved by Moondog Dook’s presence.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a good instinct.
Moondog Dook stares at Tuxedo Mask from afar. Tux shudders a bit, then slides into the ring under the bottom rope. He climbs to the second turnbuckle for one last bit of hate. He drops down and does a split and flashes the peace sign
Phillip Blauer: That is touching. After all these people have done to him, all he wants is World peace.
The Sacramento crowd starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” and Tuxedo Mask flips the fans off, who begin booing him in return
Phillip Blauer: This town is really the worst.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s probably why he hasn’t been back here in nearly 18 years since November of 2005, Tuxedo Mask teamed with Hardkore World Champion Rated X to defeat “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and The Microshocker.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t even want to know what happened to The Microshocker.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tuxedo Mask says he’s going to show Simon Cruise what it’s like to be Hardkore here tonight.
Yolanda Ando: Deeply in debt?
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is the Official Wrestler of Dave Meltzer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser, He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The Golden 1 Center boos as Tux tries to pretend it doesn’t bother him
Tuxedo Mask vs. Simon Cruise
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Tuxedo Mask goes in for a lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask and Simon Cruise struggling to get an advantage, but Simon goes over with a side headlock. He clamps down on Tux’s head, locking his hands together tight.
Tux reaches up and pulls Cruise by the hair backwards into a headlock of his own. He chuckles at the booing fans
Phillip Blauer: You see? The old Tux wouldn’t think to do that. He seems to be getting smarter every day, like the Lawnmower Man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backs him into the ropes while Tux hangs onto the side headlock.
Simon Cruise pushes Tuxedo Mask off into the ropes. When he comes back, Cruise arm drags him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise arm drags him a second time! He grabs his arm and twists it, but Tuxedo Mask reverses it and twists Cruise’s arm.
Simon Cruise grunts when Tuxedo Mask twists it a second time and whips his hair back. Tux says “How do you like that, brah?” The audience starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask looks back and forth at them, telling them to shut up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs up the turnbuckles and then starts tightrope walking on the top rope!
Phillip Blauer: That surely doesn’t suck!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux tumbles over Simon Cruise’s back with a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise rolls to his feet, and ducks under a Tux punch, then goes behind with a waistlock. Tuxedo Mask tries to elbow his way out of it, but the 15 year veteran knows to duck.
Tuxedo Mask tries to unclasp Simon’s locked hands, but to no avail. Cruise then runs him into the ropes and rolls back into a backroll press
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Both men roll to their feet, and the fans applaud their quick exchanges as they eye one another with caution. Tuxedo Mask motions for a time out to Richie Richardson. Richardson nods and signals for the wrestlers to break
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this?
Phillip Blauer: The man clearly needs a time out. Are you new?
Simon Cruise complains to Richie, while Tuxedo Mask changes out his gloves, all the while staring at a drooling Moondog Dook at ringside
Phillip Blauer: One can’t be too careful these days, Gregory.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on. Richie Richardson makes the signal that the match can now continue.
Phillip Blauer: Game on!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask makes a move, but Simon Cruise catches him with a Mexican armdrag into an armbar.
The fans cheer as Cruise locks down Tux’s arm, trying to rip it out of it’s socket. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Tuxedo Mask shakes his head, complaining about a hair pull from Simon. Cruise denies it when Richie asks. The crowd starts chanting “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise sticks his knee into the ball of Tux’s shoulder, clamping down on his forearm and elbow.
Tuxedo Mask finally realizes he has to get out of this, and rolls to his feet with Cruise hanging onto his armbarred arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask scoops him up into a bodyslam, but on his way down Cruise inside cradles Tux!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux kicks Simon Cruise and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots. He pulls him up into a headlock and then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop bulldog!
The audience jeers as Tuxedo Mask motions for Cruise to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask cracks Cruise in the back of the head with a roundhouse enzuigiri!
Phillip Blauer: He’s just toying with him now.
Tuxedo Mask flaunts around the ring, looking bored with how long it’s taking Simon Cruise to stand back up. Tuxedo Mask yells “Get up, brah!” then he tells Richie, “Watch this.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask punches Cruise right in the face!
Simon Cruise just looks at him and the crowd pops! Tuxedo Mask starts backpedaling, trying to explain his thought process. “Brah, brah, brah…”
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, surf boy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise begins pummeling Tuxedo Mask in the face!
The Golden 1 Center roars as Tuxedo Mask is backed up by all the punches into the ropes. Cruise irish whips him into the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise takes out Tuxedo Mask with a spinning heel kick! He bounces off the ropes and comes down across Tux’s face with a leg drop.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs a sleeper hold. He thrashes Tuxedo Mask from side to side as they sit on the mat.
Tux reaches his hand out and signals for the fans to root him on, but they just chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson tests Tuxedo Mask’s arm, but he keeps it up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask works his way to his feet, and backpedals Cruise into the turnbuckles to break out of the sleeper. He climbs to the second turnbuckle and drills Simon’s skull into the canvas with a tornado DDT!
The Sacramento audience boos as Tuxedo Mask tries to wake himself up as Cruise lies on the mat. Tux puts Cruise’s throat on the second rope, and then points to a woman in the fourth row of the crowd and motions for her to call him. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of her
Phillip Blauer: That’s Sacramento’s own, Brie Larson!
Guillermo O’Bannon: She should really get out of here if she doesn’t want to smell like beer and regret soon. Tux runs and hits a 619 kick!!
Simon Cruise staggers backwards as Tuxedo Mask springboards off into a dragonrana!! The crowd heckles Tuxedo Mask as he does a little bow for them, and then hangs on the ropes to talk to Brie Larson in the fourth row
Phillip Blauer: She’s got herself quite a catch if she can bag him.
Yolanda Ando: Aw, that’s sweet.
The Sacramento audience chants “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!” Brie Larson taps her ear at Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brie Larson can’t seem to hear him over this crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Well, if you would stop sucking for one second, maybe she could.
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, come on, Guilermo, she can’t hear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m trying, I- Tuxedo Mask turns around and Simon Cruise does a double leg takedown and starts pounding on Tux!
The fans erupt with cheers as Simon Cruise grounds and pounds Tuxedo Mask. He pulls him up and shoots him into the ropes, catching him with a dropkick with authority
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bitchin Dropkick! Simon Cruise irish whips Tux into the corner and hits him with a hip attack!
Tuxedo Mask stumbles out of the corner and Simon Cruise catches him with a standing side kick. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Tux to get up and then just comes down with a tomahawk chop to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tomahawk Cruise Missile!
Tux holds his balls and stomps his heels in the mat in pain. Brie Larson gets her purse and leaves. Tuxedo Mask reaches out, saying “Wait! Stop!”
Phillip Blauer: Most unfortunate.
Yolanda Ando: I get it. Without that, there’s not much more to him.
Tuxedo Mask stands up, staggering towards her, and Simon Cruise pulls out one of Tux’s legs, forcing him to do a split
Guillermo O’Bannon: A-Framed! Unfortunately, Tuxedo Mask is very limber, and he hits Simon Cruise in the balls!
Phillip Blauer: That’s a receipt if I’ve ever seen one.
Both men lie on the mat, holding their aching testicals. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson shrugs and starts doing a double count
One!
Two!
The Sacramento fans chant “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*
Three!
Four!
Simon Cruise rolls to his side while Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up by the ropes
Five!
Six!
Seven!
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask the first to his feet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He approaches a rising Simon Cruise who takes out Tux’s feet with a leg sweep.
Simon Cruise pulls Tuxedo Mask up and irish whips him, but Tux dives through referee Richie Richardson’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops on to the middle of the second rope and backflips into a moonsault body press that takes out both Simon Cruise and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson!!
The audience boos and Richie Richardson rolls around, holding the back of his head
Phillip Blauer: Once again, Richie’s total lack of ring generalship has impeded another match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He tries.
Richie Richardson rolls out of the ring to the floor, motionless. Tuxedo Mask yells “Get up!” at Simon Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear that cuts Simon Cruise in half!!
The Golden 1 Center chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Cruise holds his stomach, groaning
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the second rope, then hits his legs on the top rope for a split legged moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux pulls him up into a DDT, but Simon Cruise plants his feet and flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ducks a roundhouse kick and grabs Cruise from behind, lifting him up into an atomic drop that drops Simon’s groin on the top rope!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos! The audience chants “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*” Tuxedo Mask shushes them
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, pipe down.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and then hits Simon Cruise with a kangaroo kick that knocks him to the floor!!
The Sacramento fans jeer Tuxedo Mask as he flips a peace sign. He hits the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
The crowd boos Tux as he lies on The Golden 1 Center floor, trying to recover. Simon Cruise holds the back of his head, near an unconscious Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson by the apron. Moondog Dook helps Tuxedo Mask to his feet. Tux, unbeknownst that it’s Dook, accepts the help and even pats the Moondog’s back in gratitude.
Phillip Blauer: Tux is going to have to boil that hand.
Tuxedo Mask and Moondog Dook stand with their arms around one another’s shoulder, nodding at the jeering crowd. Tux finally looks over at a doe eyed Moondog and yelps in terror
Phillip Blauer: Imagine that mug staring back at you? It’s the last thing a Wendy’s Baconator sees.
Tuxedo Mask gets as far away from Moondog Dook as he can, while trying to rub whatever Dook’s got off of him. He walks over to Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table, then begins furiously pumping the hand sanitizer into his hand. Tux rubs the sanitizer into his clothes, body, and face
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s rude.
In the crowd, Brie Larson returns to her seat in the fourth row. Tuxedo Mask unscrews the cap on the bottle of sanitizer and pours it all over his body
Phillip Blauer: But probably medically necessary. It appears Brie Larson has come to her senses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank God. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask climbs to the second turnbuckle from the apron, and suddenly notices Brie Larson.
Phillip Blauer: Who wouldn’t? She’s very striking.
Tuxedo Mask: “Hey, about that thing before? Downstairs? Totally fine now…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise jumps up to the apron and grabs Tux’s arm with an arm drag off the second rope into the crowd!!
The Sacramento fans catches Tuxedo Mask and crowd surf him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The audience holding Tuxedo Mask up, crowd surfing him around the Golden 1 Center!!
Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle on the other side of the ring. He times it out as the fans hand Tuxedo Mask around the ringside area. Cruise jumps down and double stomps Tux in the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Extreme Body Surfing!!
The audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” as they both lie in the third row of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He can’t spend his life treating people like surfboards. We’re human beings.
Simon Cruise climbs over the overturned chairs and concession items. He pulls himself up and steps over the railing. Cruise climbs up to the apron and stands up, waiting for Tuxedo Mask to stand up out in the audience.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Simon Cruise measures him and then strikes Tuxedo Mask between the eyes with a flying knee off the apron out into the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
The chants of “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” get louder and louder as Simon Cruise and Tux are drenched with sweat, lying motionless out in the 5th row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise getting to his feet and pulls Tux up by the hair. He scoops him up, but the hand sanitizer looks to have made Tuxedo Mask very slippery! He floats over behind Simon and lands in an inverted facelock. Tux lifts him up into a reverse suplex, then drops Cruise’s stomach on the guardrail!!
Cruise yelps as all the air leaves his body, and he’s left perched on the railing. The Sacramento audience boos Tuxedo Mask who steps over the railing into the ringside area. Tux grabs a steel chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with an asai moonsault with that chair on Simon Cruise while he’s perched over the steel railing!!
The audience chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask backs up to the other side of the ringside area and points to Phil Blauer
Phillip Blauer: You got it, kemosabe. Use me. USE ME!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: For God’s sake, don’t say it like that.
Tuxedo Mask runs and jumps off the table, then Phil Blauer’s back to triple jump into a plancha that smacks Simon Cruise against the railing, getting an “OH!!” out of the crowd. Tuxedo Mask rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes and baseball slides under the bottom rope into a helicopter huracanrana that catches Simon Cruise and drives his head into the concrete!!
The fans boo and both men try to catch their breath on the Golden 1 Center floor. Richie Richardson still hasn’t moved. The audience chants “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rolls back into the ring. He waits for Simon to get to his feet, then slingshots himself over the ropes, catching Cruise with a DDT on on the concrete!!
Tuxedo Mask stands up and whips his hair out of his eyes and then does a courtesy that gets angry heat from the Sacramento fans. Moondog Dook comes over and rips Tuxedo Mask’s shirt off
Phillip Blauer: Son of a biscuit, can we just get security to euthanize this guy? Larry??
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. shrugs. The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask begs off as Moondog Dook stares at him. He rolls into the ring to get away from him and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask flips off the top with a corkscrew moonsault, but Simon Cruise avoids it and Tux hits the guardrail!!
The audience lets out another “OH!” at the sound of Tux hitting the railing. Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise runs into the ropes and baseball slides into a dropkick that propels Tux back into the security rail!!
Simon Cruise runs into the ropes and then flips over the top rope into a tope con hilo onto Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tailspin!!
The audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” as Tuxedo Mask, Simon Cruise, and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson lie on the Golden 1 Center floor. Hardkore Referee Kelly O’Connell runs down to the ring to replace Richie. Simon Cruise uses the fans’ chants to will himself up to his feet and slides back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and WIPEOUT '18 springboard sentons him on the floor!!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Simon Cruise rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring. He steps back up onto the apron. Cruise waits for Tux to get back to his feet. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off, catching Tux with an ace crusher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruisin' USA!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a Wave Breaker senton bomb but Tuxedo Mask puts his knees up!!
The air goes out of the Golden 1 Center as Simon Cruise arches his back in pain. Moondog Dook rolls into the ring holding a 2x4 wooden board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook handing Tuxedo Mask that 2x4! Simon Cruise is defending Dook after what Tux did to him in Seattle.
The Sacramento fans boo loudly. Tuxedo Mask thanks Moondog Dook for the wooden board, and Dook nods his head
Phillip Blauer: I take it all back. Who can define what love is these days?
Tuxedo Mask takes a couple steps towards Simon Cruise, but then twirls around and cracks Moondog Dook between the eyes with the wooden board!! The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask immediately betrays him!
Phillip Blauer: You were expecting a partnership??
Tuxedo Mask walks over and pulls Simon Cruise to a crotch tie with Cruise’s arm though his own legs, and then pumphandles him up into a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosegarden Piledriver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask climbs to the second turnbuckle, but Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles. Tux cracks Cruise in the ribs with a side knee, and then double underhooks his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise blocks the Moonlight Waltz, and then backdrops Tuxedo Mask to the mat off the top rope!
Simon Cruise climbs back up onto the top turnbuckle as the crowd cheers wildly. Cruise jumps off with a missile dropkick to Tuxedo Mask’s groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Missile!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“Riptide” by Vance Joy plays and the fans cheer. Simon Cruise jumps up to the second turnbuckle, soaking in the love from the crowd
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 42 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, what a match, these two nearly went to a time limit draw, I would love to see a rematch! Cruise with a huge win here tonight, really putting himself in line for a title shot!
Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm. On the outside. Moondog Dook stands up and sees himself in the Sailor Moon outfit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook looks surprised to see himself in this Sailor Moon garb.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t believe Moondog is surprised to see himself in anything these days.
Moondog Dook tears it all off, stomping and kicking the costume. Moodog Dook grabs his steel chain and wraps it around his fist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog now apparently disavows the Sailor Moon costume.
Moondog Dook rolls into the ring with that chain, and Simon Cruise picks up that 2x4 board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is ready for Dook and clocks him on the top of the head with that wooden board!!
The Sacramento fans cheer wildly as Moondog Dook rolls out of the ring, clutching the top of his head
Phillip Blauer: The rolled up newspaper he needs in his life.
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and starts walking to the back. Moondog Dook wakes up and sees his Sailor Moon hat. Dook blinks and puts the Sailor Moon hat back on.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess Moondog Dook has changed his mind? Moondog Dook starts following Tuxedo Mask up the ramp.
Phillip Blauer: We’re back to square one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask turns around and grabs Dook into a saito suplex, dropping the back of his head into the guardrail in the aisleway!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Dook’s head hitting the railing. Tuxedo Mask leaves Moondog Dook laying and walks back to the locker room
Phillip Blauer: We should be asking ourselves why this is Tuxedo Mask’s problem?
Moondog Dook wakes up and staggers to his feet, and in doing so, knocks his Sailor Moon hat into his hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook becomes incensed at the sight of the hat and begins biting it, then throws it into the audience!!
Phillip Blauer: He’s back, but that’s probably not a good thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wins this dream match with Tuxedo Mask, but coming up is the falls count anywhere match between Disney’s Marty Donovan and Steve Awesome!
We fade into the merchandise area where Kevin Valentine Jr is Hocking all of the Hardkore World action figures. As he looks over his collection, straightening out the figures a shadow is cast over him, and then a drop of what looks like Horseradish hits the table. Kevin looks up and standing before him, with a large Arby's Giant Roast Beef Sandwich in his hand is AVB.
With a mouth full of food AVB barks at Kevin.
Where are the Anointed Action figures, Kevin?!
Kevin points towards a set of AVB, Marty Donovan, Weasley Crain, Dan Stein, and Steve Awesome all neatly set up. AVB smirks, and smiles, food still in his mouth. He gently reaches over and carefully moves the action figures of himself and Awesome out of the way. He then plops half of his sandwich onto the table, and right on top of the Marty Donovan figure. He wipes his mouth, clearing it of all sauces, before gently reaching down and picking up the High roller and the Punisher. Holding them up, one in each hand, and making them talk to each other mockingly.
Dang Wes, what are we ever going to do? AVB is by far a better leader, more handsome, better smelling, and way more talented then Marty, and he wants our descion on remaining with the Anointed. I'm scared Wes, I miss Marty, but Awesome and His Grace are the future.
I know Dan. I know. AVB is so cool, and Steve Awesome is just a mega star. I mean, will they overshadow us if we join them? They are the coolest, most talented guys on this roster. Maybe we should just focus on the Tag Belts, and just be kind of friends with them.
AVB suddenly puts both The Punisher and The High roller into one hand, and picks up himself and Awesome in the other.
Times up boys! Your answer will be given to us by the end of this tag match tonight. Or we will make your descion for you. Time to take off your Mickey Mouse panties, ladies, and run with the big boys.
AVB then tosses all of the figures back down onto the table, before picking up his sandwich, that now has action figure Marty stuck to it, covered in horseradish.
AVB goes to take a bite but stops, he then picks Marty off of the sandwich and hands it back to Kevin, as he walks off enjoying his Arby's.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Seattle, Washington, The Anointed betrayed their founding member, Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: This is insane. How delusional can you be? Do you seriously think Dave Thomas is still in charge at Wendy’s?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m pretty sure when they decided to change management, they didn’t superkick him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: Dear, sweet, naive, stupid, Geraldine. Of course he was. Have you seen Succession?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Still, Marty Donovan is looking to get revenge on the man he thought of as a partner who stabbed him in the back, while Steve Awesome looks to improve The Anointed by proving himself the superior member by defeating their founder in a falls count anywhere match.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Golden 1 Center explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome, who considers himself the new leader of The Anointed, clearly enjoyed crushing Marty Donovan’s spirit. He even watched it on playback to relive the moment with Alexander Von Blankenship.
Phillip Blauer: It was like the new Zapruder film. Marty gets superkicked by AVB and his head goes back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left…
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome is wearing a black leather jacket with green frills hanging off in various places, along with his classic aviator sunglasses. He wears neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside the heart. He has on black kneepads with the logo on each knee, with black and green boots. He also has black with green trim wristbands.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. This was just recognizing when a founder just wasn’t delivering any longer. Look at Captain Crunch. The first time it was Oops All Berries, it was like OK. It happens. But now look at it. Every few months, he accidentally puts all crunchberries in there. This guy sucks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That salty old cuss saved us from the Soggies and I will not stand by as you slander a man in uniform…
Phillip Blauer: Fine, look at Domino’s Pizza a few years ago. They recognized that their pizza was circular garbage. They owned up to it, and made the changes needed to rebuild their brand until it is what it is today. A trash pizza that pretended to feel bad about that a couple years ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome says that he committed that treachery against Marty because it had to be done for the good of The Anointed. He says he never really cared for Marty Donovan to begin with.
Phillip Blauer: That’s totally understandable. So often I would ask myself, “Why am I hanging out with this gaping vacuum of a person?” Then the check would come.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Falls Count Anywhere Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds;He is The Prettiest Player in the Game…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The Sacramento fans jeer Awesome while he drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms
The Theme from Indiana Jones begins playing and the fans cheer. Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Indiana Jones
Phillip Blauer: For the love of all that is decent and holy. What is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan promoting that Indiana Jones: The Dial of Destiny will be streaming on Disney +, June 30th.
Phillip Blauer: Leave it to Marty to play that man who stole priceless artifacts from the government that was more suited to look after them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sorry, are you referring to the Nazis?
Phillip Blauer: Look, I’m not going to get political on here, but Indiana Jones was clearly in the wrong…
A giant fake boulder starts rolling out of the curtain, and Marty sees it and begins running down the ramp as the boulder chases him
Phillip Blauer: You know, this is definitely one job I am entrusting to Rocky Valentine Jr. with.
Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. desperately try to keep the rock from falling on the audience as it travels down the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I’m sure…actually, you’re probably right.
Rocky Valentine Jr. yells “Heads up!” as the boulder falls off the aisle and starts to roll towards Guillermo and Phil. Donnie Valentine Jr., Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. are able to stop it before it kills the announcers
Phillip Blauer: Heck of a job, Larry!
With labored breathing, Larry Valentine Jr. gives Phil a thumbs up. At ringside, Marty Donovan cracks his whip
Phillip Blauer: (nudges Guillermo in the ribs) Hey, Gatsby. Doesn’t that sound make you get up and do the dishes?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have shared responsibilities in our home where…
Marty Donovan whips his bullwhip backwards and it hits Phil’s fondue kit, splashing cheese on both of them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!!
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God! Oh would ya look at that? This was a brand new fondue kit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (drying his papers) Why would you buy a new one??
Phillip Blauer: (screaming) Because this one is designed for both sweet and savory fondues!!!
The audio goes out from the fondue cheese getting in the cables and outlets. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a few random shots of Marty Donovan posing as Indiana Jones. Then he cuts to a graphic that says: “We’re Experiencing Technical Difficulties” with an animated Hardkore Jonnie Valentine chasing a mouse with a cable in its teeth. Finally it cuts back to Marty Donovan entering the ring and threatening Steve Awesome with the bullwhip while Kelly O’Connell cautions Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: (distorted) Are we back on? Hello? Ok, we’re back.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t mess with another man’s fondue kit. It’s just against the rules, man. Man code.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Effete Man Code.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan is wearing brown Disney + bikini briefs with Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. He has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty Donovan tried ingratiating himself to the locker room in Tacoma, but it proved to be a tough slog with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall being one of the loudest voices of people who don’t think Marty’s newfound friendliness is genuine.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta get up pretty early to put one over on the old Squidman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Marty claims he poisoned The Anointed by allowing Steve Awesome to join.
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock, The Ashton Kutcher years on Two and A Half Men is when that show hit its stride!
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Marty is here tonight to prove that he is the original Marty Donovan, the beloved star the fans used to love by destroying the man that took The Anointed away from him tonight.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty gets a huge reaction that surprises him. He mildly waves back, but the pop surely gave him some unexpected courage. He likes the applause and turns around to really pump up the crowd
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Steve Awesome catches Marty from behind with a stinger splash in the corner and Kelly O’Connell rings the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: A pearl harbor job by Steve Awesome in the corner as he bashes Donovan in the back of the head with forearms. He irish whips him into the other corner, and then runs in with a knee to his stomach.
Steve Awesome runs up the turnbuckles into a step up enzuigiri in the corner. The audience boos and Awesome shoots Marty into the other corner so hard, he falls
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs in with a bronco buster!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, hit em with those balls, Steve!
The Golden 1 Center boos as Steve Awesome gives them a crotch chop. He returns to Marty in the corner and pulls him up, irish whipping him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome with a flying forearm that catches Marty right between the eyes!
Steve Awesome irish whips Marty into the corner once again, and then climbs up to the second rope, straddling Marty in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome raining punches down on Marty in the corner.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s the second rate Marty Donovan now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Marty Donovan grabs him around the legs, walks him out of the corner and inverted atomic drops him.
The Sacramento crowd comes to life! Marty Donovan hits the ropes and then takes out Steve Awesome with a rolling wheel kick that knocks Steve Awesome through the ropes to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan hits the ropes, hops onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards off, catching Steve Awesome with a tornado DDT!!
The audience cheers as Steve Awesome’s head bounces up from the impact of hitting the concrete. The fans chant “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Phillip Blauer: The coward’s afraid to wrestle Steve Awesome in the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s falls count anywhere.
Phillip Blauer: The ring can also be anywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts Steve Awesome up and atomic drops him on the railing!
Steve Awesome’s eyes cross as he is precariously perched on the security rail. Marty Donovan rolls back into the ring, and then runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan springboard missile dropkicks Steve Awesome who was crotched on that guardrail!!
The Sacramento audience erupts as Awesome is propelled into the audience, and Marty lands awkwardly on the ringside area. They start chanting “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Phillip Blauer: Much like the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, you can’t tell who got the worst of that.
*RIMSHOT*
The shot cuts to Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. at a drum set just off to Phil Blauer’s seat
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Andrew.
Andy nods and starts disassembling the drum kit. Marty Donovan pulls the railing towards the apron, and then climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a Reedy Creek Racing asai moonsault but Steve Awesome moves!!
Marty Donovan whacks the back of a standing chair with his chest as he falls out in the audience. The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” Marty holds his ribs in pain, gasping for air
Phillip Blauer: That seat was worth the price of admission if it broke his ribs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up by the hair and throws him over the railing, back into the ringside area!
Steve Awesome steps over the railing, and then lifts Marty up in an atomic drop of his own, but drops his legs on the guardrail, then lifts him back up into a backdrop into Andy Valentine Jr.’s drum set!! The sound resounds through the Golden 1 Center
Phillip Blauer: Andrew!! I told you to move that thing after I said something mirthful!
Andy Valentine Jr. shrugs, Marty Donovan gets up and charges Awesome, but Steve belly to belly suplexes him over the railing into the audience. Steve Awesome says “Front row seat, Marty!” then laughs obnoxiously
Phillip Blauer: Something like that could run you $11 here in Sacramento.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now steps over the railing into the crowd, and sets up a chair. He front facelocks Marty and rolls him around into a swinging neckbreaker on the back of that chair!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out another “OH!” as Marty holds the back of his head, sitting up. Steve Awesome pulls him to his feet and scoops him up, but Marty floats over behind him into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan lifts him up into an inverted suplex and drops him on a standing chair!!
The audience roars as Steve Awesome arches his back in agony. Marty Donovan gets a look on his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Basement dropkick to the back of Awesome’s head! Marty makes the cover out in the 5th row!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Marty Donovan irish whips Awesome into the railing so hard he falls when he hits it. He pulls Steve up and begins punching him up against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lefts and rights by Marty Donovan and then he goes for a kick, but Steve Awesome catches his leg.
Phillip Blauer: Ha! It’s all over now!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri!
Steve Awesome goes down like a redwood. Marty climbs over the railing, out onto the stage on the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan gets a running start and flips into a somersault senton off the ramp onto Steve Awesome out in the crowd!!
The chants of “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” ring through the Golden 1 Center. A child comes up and pats Marty on the back. He turns around with a snarl, and sees that it’s just a kid. He reaches down into his boots and pulls out a Disney Fast Pass and hands it to the little boy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, that is not something I would expect to see from Marty.
The Kid’s Dad: “Do you have two more? Because it doesn’t really make sense for him to have one and not his parents…”
Marty Donovan: “How big do you think these boots are, man?!?!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome clubs Marty in the back of the head with a running forearm!
Phillip Blauer: Betrayed by his cheapness, once again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome puts him in an inverted facelock, and drops down into a reverse DDT on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome brings him up to the front row and irish whips him into the railing!
Marty Donovan arches his back in pain, while Steve Awesome rudely yells at the fans “Get out of my way!!”
Phillip Blauer: Making memories for those kids.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs and high leg clotheslines Marty over the railing, back into the ringside area!
Steve Awesome climbs over the railing, and then starts slapping Marty in the back of the head as the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. He goes over to the apron, ducks underneath, and pulls out two singapore canes, getting the audience to buzz with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did he hide those before we opened the doors?
Phillip Blauer: Of course, that’s when all the boys do it. It’s when Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is drinking his lunch.
Steve Awesome puts on an impressive display, by spinning both canes in both hands
Phillip Blauer: Ooh, what a treat. Steve Awesome is giving us an exhibition of his swordwork that he learned in Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hated that one. They didn’t shoot that in Mexico, you could tell they were just in Laughlin, Nevada with the yellow tint turned all the way up. Christopher Meloni was good as the heel, but I can’t believe that was Ned Beatty’s last movie.
Phillip Blauer: A fun goof is that you can see the reflection of the cue cards taped to his co-stars’ chests in the House of Mirrors scene. I will admit that Johnny Galecki’s nude scene seemed to go
Awesome twirls one singapore cane over his head, while spinning the other one with his left hand. Marty gulps, grabs a chair and tosses it at Steve’s head, knocking him senseless
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty realizing he couldn’t best Steve Awesome with the canes, so he just flung a chair at him.
The fans cheer as Steve Awesome counts the lights on the floor
Phillip Blauer: Just a vulgar display from the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion here tonight. While we’re at it, I will admit that in Shit Storm 6, Jason Alexander’s nude scene seemed to go on for far too long.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It didn’t advance the plot very much other than letting us know that guy sure liked cigarette burns.
Yolanda Ando: If we’re being honest, I didn’t love Jim Parsons’ cockney accent that kept coming and going.
Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up by the hair and tosses him over the railing out into the crowd. It knocks some fans into one another, causing a domino effect causing beer to spill on the surrounding fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker, dropping the back of his head on the railing!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a loud “OH!! Steve Awesome holds the back of his head, kicking his heels into the floor in pain. The fans nearby him, start pushing and shoving over the spilled beer that got many of them, as well as their wives and girlfriends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan goes for a suplex, to suplex him back into the ringside area, but Awesome blocks it. Marty tries to do it again, but Steve again blocks it. Steve Awesome counters with a suplex of his own but sits out and drops Marty’s chest on the railing!
Marty Donovan rolls around the ringside arena, covering his pectorals with his hands. Steve Awesome recovers, leaning against the railing. Behind him, there is some shoving and pushing from fans that feel they were unfairly sprayed with beer and fellow audience members falling on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome gets a running start and flips over the railing and catches Marty with a canadian destroyer DDT called The Flip of the Franchise on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The fans boo Steve Awesome but their attention is distracted by a fight in the crowd with several fans behind the action. People are punching one another, turning around and getting punched by other fans. Meanwhile, Awesome kips up to his feet, as the jeers get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize to the fans, it appears we have a bit of a disturbance in the audience.
Phillip Blauer: This happens every time we come here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up for a powerbomb, but Marty Donovan reverses it into a frankenstiener on the floor!!
The Sacramento crowd comes to life! Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to break up the fight in the audience, but fairly quickly one of the assailant’s girlfriends begins punching Larry
Phillip Blauer: Cover the face, Lare Bear!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m terribly sorry that the audience at home has to witness this. Meanwhile, Marty Donovan double underhooks Awesome’s arms, and flips him into an Ollie Driver ‘22!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome claps his legs together on Marty’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up into a rear waistlock in the aisle, and then german suplexes him on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome rolls his shoulder up!
Larry Valentine Jr. is getting struck with purses and right hands from the ladies in the crowd, while the unruly brawl between drunk fans continues in the fifth row
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan begins jabbing a woozy Steve Awesome. Giving him the old Dusty jab series!
Outside in the crowd, a man begins giving the guy he’s fighting the same jabs. He and Marty are in lock step as they jab, and do the twisty knees shimmy before dropping Awesome and the random guy in the crowd with a bionic elbow
Phillip Blauer: One of those is just disrespectful and the other is probably a felony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls him up into a fireman’s carry, but Steve slips off his shoulders behind him and hammerlocks his arm. Awesome lifts him up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his chicken winged arm on the ramp!!
The Sacramento audience lets out a loud “OH!!” Marty Donovan rolls around, clutching his elbow, kicking his toes into the ramp in pain. He staggers to his feet, but Steve Awesome catches him upside the head with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Thigh Slapper Superkick! Steve Awesome makes a cover out on the ramp!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks him up into a crossface chicken wing, and goes for the Awesome-Plex, but Marty lands on his feet behind him! He hits Awesome with a slingblade on the ramp!
The crowd chants “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” as both men lay out on the apron, trying to recover. Finally Marty gets to his feet and pulls Awesome up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan release dragon suplexes Steve Awesome on the concrete!!
Donovan drags out a table from underneath the ring, and begins setting it up. He pulls Awesome up by the hair and rolls him onto the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips off with an Ode to Romero 450 splash through the table!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the back of Marty’s head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is AVB doing here??
Phillip Blauer: Thank heavens, this was getting out of hand, what with the furniture, the bullwhips, and the both sweet and savory cheeses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Marty out of the broken table wreckage and lifts him up onto his shoulders, flipping him on his head with the Omnipotence on the broken table!!
The audience chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!”, as AVB gives them the double middle finger and rolls Steve Awesome’s limp body on top of Marty’s. Kelly O’Connell hesitantly makes the count
Guillermo O’Bannon: No!
Phillip Blauer: See, now I like this kind of match. Falls should count anywhere.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays and the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. Alexander Von Blankenship pulls an exhausted and confused Steve Awesome to his feet
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 4 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Face of the Franchise was on his way to a loss before his partner in The Anointed saved him here.
Phillip Blauer: Something I’m sure Marty felt terrible about when it was his group.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls out another table and starts setting it up. He whispers into Steve Awesome’s ear, then Awesome nods and climbs back into the ring
Phillip Blauer: And it doesn’t look like they’re done yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it doesn’t, Alexander Von Blankenship rolls Marty onto the table while Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle.
AVB laughs and holds Marty Donovan’s arms on the table while he struggles to get off. Steve Awesome backflips into a moonsault foot stomp that puts Marty through the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wrath of the Dragon through a table!!
The audience boos as Alexander Von Blankenship does the sign of the cross over Marty’s crumpled form. Then “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays and the audience leaps to their feet.
Steve Awesome gulps and motions to AVB that they should skedaddle. Marty turns his head and excitedly yells “Dan!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Dan Stein! Marty’s bodyguard is back! And with him is Kilroy Evans. Dan Stein wasn’t there to protect his former SWAT Tag Team Champion Marty Donovan in Seattle, but he is now. Dan Stein and his Peacemaker are hot on their tails as The Anointed run through the crowd to escape!
Dan Stein hits the railing but sees Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship are too far away to catch up to
Guillermo O’Bannon:We were wondering what Dan Stein’s position would be on the splintering of The Anointed, and it appears to be he is right behind his longtime buddy. Marty almost had Steve there, but AVB slithered out from the crowd to cost him the victory.
Dan Stein and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tend to Marty Donovan, holding his ribs on top of the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is defending the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in the match coming up with his partner also riding the fence about The Anointed, against The Sheik and Kilroy Evans. We’ll be right back!
Bad acting Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is standing in front of a Hardkore World banner with a glass of milk.
Larry Valentine Jr.: …
Phillip Blauer: (off camera) Cue! Cue!
Larry Valentine Jr.: (blinks) … Oh man. … It is sure hot today. I wish…I wish I had something more refreshing than this almond milk…that I left out overnight.
*magical chime*
Phil Blauer appears next to him
Phillip Blauer: Don’t worry, Dr. Phil has the cure for what ails ya. The iced tea I’ve been serving in my home for years is now available for Poors like you. It’s Phil’s Pure-a-Tea. The only pure iced tea.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Why…why. Why I’d like a glass of that.
Phil hands him the glass of iced tea. Larry takes a drink and makes a face, then gulps it down
Larry Valentine Jr.: Ugh…I mean, boy does that go down smooth. What’s your secret Dr. Phil?
Phillip Blauer: I shouldn’t tell you this, but just between you, me, and the 12 people that don’t fast forward through commercials I only use non-potable water. Do you know what that is?
Larry Valentine Jr.: I don’t feel so good.
Phillip Blauer: I have another sip.
Larry takes another sip, winces, and then drinks from the almond milk left out overnight as a chaser
Phillip Blauer: Non-potable water is water that is free from pot. Yes, you see hippies try and dose use with their whacky weed, so we’ll see things their way, drop out and beg on the street with a mangy dog for sympathy. That’s why ‘s Pure-a-Tea.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Why are there chunks in it?
Phillip Blauer: Flavor crystals.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Ah.
Phillip Blauer: So run on down to the concession stand and order a tall glass of Dr. Phil’s Pure-a-Tea!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the most highly anticipated match of the evening. In Seattle, The Anointed was splintered when Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship turned on their former leader Marty Donovan. His bodyguard “The Punisher Dan Stein was getting elbow surgery, but “The High Roller” Wesley Crane just stood and watched. He didn’t join in, and he didn’t help. In the last match, The Anointed put Marty through a table, and Dan Stein came out to help his longtime partner.So it appears Dan The Man will not be joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: They’re better off without him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Tacoma, Washington, Alexander Van Blankenship came out and let Wesley Crane know that they needed to know which side he was on by the end of tonight.
Phillip Blauer: A fair request.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But The Sheik and Kilroy Evans couldn’t care less with who they align with. They don’t like them from when they were a part of The Anointed. While Dan Stein and Wesley Crane may be distracted from deciding which side they are on, Kilroy Evans and The Sheik are laser focused on making these two men hurt, and taking their Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Sacramento crowd leaps to their feet! Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with his cane, and nods along to the cheers. Out next, step The Sheik and Kilroy Evans behind him
Phillip Blauer: I don’t understand what’s happened to The Sheik. When he did violent things to the people I disliked, it struck me as funny. But lately, not so much. Now it seems barbaric and cruel. I can’t quite put a finger on it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hypocrisy? Total detachment from the reality that everyone else lives in?
Phillip Blauer: No, that’s not it. But you’re close. (ponders) Very close.
Kilroy walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, while The Sheik glares at the fans who try to touch him and slap his hand. Malcolm Xavier Graves clears a way through their arms with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans says tonight he will cement his bond with The Sheik by winning the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships for the fourth time.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t want to be this guy’s friend. Uber drivers don’t want to be this guy’s friend.
Kilroy Evans stops and talks to a couple fans while The Sheik slides into the ring. Malcolm Xavier Graves steps into the ring and applauds for The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tried to relate to Kilroy by going to a South Carolina Walmart.
Phillip Blauer: Into the belly of the beast. I’m sure a deer ran through there at one point, with no one batting an eye.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik ran into an angry local, and it didn’t go well for at least one of him.
Phillip Blauer: Real tough, picking on a guy who clearly takes blood pressure medication and wears compression socks.
Kilroy Evans has his arm around a fan’s shoulder and points out the signs “Don’t Trust The Sheik”, “The Annoying”, “The Never Would Have Happened If Dantastic Was There”, and “My Boy Kilroy”
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy wears a t-shirt with an airbrushed picture of Kilroy and The Sheik doing a babyface tag team pose. He wears jeans and sneakers as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kilroy Evans says that he will relieve Dan Stein of his conundrum of having to pick between Marty and The Anointed, by beating the hell out of him.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, that’s nice, he didn’t have to…hey…
Inside the ring, The Sheik points at the sky. At ringside, Kilroy Evans makes the rounds, slapping the fans’ hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik says that “High Roller” Wesley Crane took something from him, so now he is going to take those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Wesley Crane.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Millgan. Featuring first, Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!! And from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The Golden 1 Center lets out an ear splitting pop. Kilroy goes over to Greg Jin and murmurs in his ear. Greg looks at him quizzically, and Kilroy assures them that it’s okay.
Greg Jin: “They Are… SOMETHING WILD!”
The Sacramento fans cheer agan. The Sheik cocks his head at Kilroy Evans but Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully. Malcolm Xavier Graves complains, “We didn’t agree to that!” Kilroy ignores him, blocking him out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Some confusion here, apparently.
Phillip Blauer: With present company I’m not surprised.
Malcolm Xavier Graves grabs Greg violently by the lapel and growls something into his ear, before pushing him back
Greg Jin: “I…stand corrected, They Are…THE GREAT MIDEASTERN TRENDKILL!!!”
The confused audience just gives a polite pop. MXG motions for more, but doesn’t get it.
Phillip Blauer: This is already a disaster.
The Golden 1 Center darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again. “I’m So Paid” by Akon plays over the PA as “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein step out on to the apron, covered in gold. Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone while Stein still has a scowl on his face. Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Dan Stein have had some nervous few weeks. Wesley Crane doesn’t know what Dan Stein thinks of him not helping Marty in that brutal betrayal, and Dan Stein isn’t sure if Crane is going to join the new version of The Anointed. And neither do The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: But who knows anybody, really?
Crane and Stein slowly make their way down to the ring with Wesley looking around at the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: But both men say they are willing to put any personal differences aside to continue to defend the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships together. Which is commendable.
Phillip Blauer: We should all take a page out of their book.
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots, and his elbow taped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein says he can barely take some time off to get surgery on his shoulder and rehab his elbow without The Anointed imploding. He claimed he was done saving Marty, but he couldn’t stand by when The Anointed tried to take him out earlier tonight.
Phillip Blauer: No one can resist that pitiful face of his.
Once they’re ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring with Dan Stein
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane is a little banged up from all the action he’s been seeing here on the West Coast and across the pond in Wrestle: UK. He’s got a bad knee and some back issues.
Phillip Blauer: And yet look at all that gold on his chest, waist…Wrestle: UK World Champion, Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore World Tag Team Champion. He is running out of body parts to strap a championship title to.
Wesley Crane holds up his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship and his Hardkore West Coast Championship in Kilroy’s face, as Kilroy nods at him. The crowd boos Crane while Dan Stein crosses his arms behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane fully expect a lot of violence out of Something Wild…
Phillip Blauer: I think you mean The Great MidEastern Trendkill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever, they both say they are battle tested in that environment and look forward to the gore.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from The D, Detroit, Michigan; He Stands 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The Danimal, Dan The Man…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds, The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion and HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…’THE HIGH ROLLER’ WESLEY CRANE!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SUITE LIFE!!!”
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos as Wesley Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open with the Hardkore World Tag Team title and Hardkore West Coast Championship in his hands and the Wrestle: UK World Championship while Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match
“The Punisher” Dan Stein and Kilroy Evans elect to start out. Referee Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Stein and Kilroy Evans jockey for position, looking to take their spot with the lock up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two 20 year veterans locking up here tonight. The stronger Dan Stein backing Kilroy up, but Kilroy uses Stein’s own momentum to flip him over into a snap mare.
The audience applauds and Dan Stein gets up immediately, glaring at Kilroy. Stein shakes it off, and then locks up with Kilroy again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein once again backs Kilroy up into the corner. Referee Tommy Milligan calling for a clean break.
Phillip Blauer: Let’s see if we get one.
Dan Stein releases the collar and elbow tie-up. He backs up with his hands in the air, and the Sacramento crowd applauds the clean break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein rams his shoulder into Kilroy’s stomach in the corner! Again!
Phillip Blauer: Ooh, so close.
Dan Stein grabs the ropes for leverage and then drives his shoulder into Kilroy’s stomach once again. Tommy Milligan chastises him for not breaking clean, and doesn’t see Wesley Crane come over and lay in to Kilroy with a sucker punch in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: That’s that smooth team vibe they’re not looking to disrupt just because their friends can’t get along.
Stein pulls Kilroy out of the corner with a shinbreaker atomic drop. Kilroy hobbles a few steps and then falls to the mat, holding his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein irish whips Kilroy into the ropes, but Kilroy ducks a clothesline and scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker!
Phillip Blauer: Right on that surgically repaired shoulder.
Dan Stein clutches his shoulder, wincing in pain. Kilroy Evans pulls him up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: The powerful Dan Stein breaks out of that full nelson, does a go behind, and locks on a full nelson of his own!
The audience “OH!”s as Dan Stein yanks Kilroy around the ring pretty effortlessly. He locks his hands together, and presses Kilroy’s chin into his chest. Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kilroy refuses to give up
Phillip Blauer: Dan is a throwback to when men wrestled in arenas smokier than a Canadian wildfire.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls Kilroy over to his corner and tags in the “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. The Punisher reapplies the full nelson so Kilroy is helpless as Crane rocks him with a series of stiff right hands!
Stein and Crane overstay the five count, so Wesley Crane hits the ropes and cracks Evans with a running european uppercut that drops him to the mat. The audience jeers him for that as he smirks at the hard camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane shoots Kilroy Evans into the turnbuckles so hard he falls in the corner! He gets a running start and strikes a sitting Kilroy with a knee that makes his head rock back into those turnbuckles!
The Golden 1 Center lets out another “OH!” Kilroy tips over to his side, and then crawls over to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane cuts him off, and pulls him up into a suplex position. He lifts him up and drops Kilroy on his head with a brainbuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane hits the ropes and comes with another one of those lethal knees, but Kilroy catches it and reverses it into a dragon screw!
The crowd comes to life with applause, and Crane rolls to his feet. He charges in again, and Kilroy Evans clips him with a drop toehold! He tags in The Sheik and the roof nearly blows off The Golden 1 Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs in and catches Wesley Crane with a sling blade!
The fans pop, Dan Stein steps through the ropes and grabs Sheik. He irish whips Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the rope and jumps back into a springboard back elbow that takes out both Crane and Dan Stein!!
The Sacramento audience is on their feet as Dan Stein and Wesley Crane retreat to the ringside area. Dan Stein whispers in Crane’s ear and he nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik handling both Crane and Dan Stein, so they got out of there.
Phillip Blauer: Smart. Take advantage of being the only team in this match that has any idea what the other one is saying.
Wesley Crane cautiously climbs back into the ring while Tommy Milligan holds The Sheik back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes to lock up with The Sheik, but Dan Stein slides into the ring and clubs Sheik in the back of the head.
Crane slugs The Sheik with a right hook as Kilroy Evans enters the ring to back up his partner. Dan Stein irish whips Sheik but he reverses it and shoots The Punisher into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans catches an oncoming Wesley Crane with a samoan drop!
Phillip Blauer: He’s not the legal man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true. The Sheik irish whips Wesley Crane into his own partner, Dan Stein in the corner!
The crowd roars as Stein and Crane are stacked in the corner. The Sheik backs up and points at them as Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and heel kicks Wesley Crane, squashing him against Dan Stein in the corner!!
The fans cheer as Wesley Crane staggers out of the corner, and Dan Stein falls through the ropes to the floor below. The Sheik and Kilroy Evans raise their arms and the crowd goes nuts! Tommy Milligan forces Kilroy out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik holds on to the ropes and batters Crane with stomps and kicks. He reaches out and tags in Kilroy Evans. The Sheik irish whips Crane into the ropes, Kilroy catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gut wrench suplexes Wesley Crane across the ring. He pulls Wesley Crane up and twists his body into the giant octopus!
The audience cheers as Kilroy Evans pulls back on Crane’s arm, while pressing down on Wesley’s head with his leg. Dan Stein yells encouragement to Crane while Tommy Milligan checks in with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the town where in November of 2005, Kilroy Evans defeated Lucifer Jones for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship. But Wesley Crane plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the giant octopus!
The cheers turn to jeers as Kilroy Evans gets up and walks into an exploder suplex that pitches him across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane tags in “The Punisher” Dan Stein! Stein grabs Kilroy Evans and physically tosses him into the turnbuckles!!
The Golden 1 Center pops at the show of strength. Dan Stein kicks Evans hard in the ribs, dropping Kilroy to his knees in the corner. The Punisher stomps the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lands another stiff stomp to Kilroy’s spine. He grabs the ropes and starts choking Kilroy with his boot in the corner.
The Sacramento crowd boo as Dan Stein steps on Kilroy’s windpipe, while Tommy Milligan gives him a five count to break it. The ringside fans start chanting “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!”
Phillip Blauer: A couple of these guys were definitely at the last focus group Jonnie paid for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Kilroy Evans up into a bearhug. He locks down on Kilroy’s lower back, putting huge pressure on his ribs as well.
Kilroy cries out in pain, with his eyes shut. Dan Stein readjusts his grip and then gives another constricting squeeze on the bearhug. Tommy Milligan asks Kilroy if he wants to give up, but Evans shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to get a new breath, but Stein won’t allow it with that pressure he’s putting on Kilroy’s chest.
The crowd starts chanting “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kilroy seems to get a second wind. He whacks Dan in the temple with a punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy cracks Stein with punches until he gets out of the bearhug! He pulls Dan’s arm behind his head, and heart punches Stein in that massive chest of his!
Dan Stein staggers back, holding his chest. Kilroy Evans irish whips Dan Stein into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hits Dan Stein with a roundhouse kick that finally drops the big man!!
The audience celebrates Dan Stein hitting the canvas. Kilroy crawls over and reaches out to The Sheik’s outstretched hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy finally tags in The Sheik! The Sheik runs into the ring and grabs a rising Dan’s hair and sits out into a facebuster!
The fans roar! Wesley Crane runs into the ring and Sheik kicks him in the stomach and scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!! Crane rolls out of the ring and The Sheik hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops a leg across the back of Stein’s head with a leg drop. He applies a LaBell lock on Dan Stein’s arm!
The audience cheers and The Sheik rocks back with Dan Stein’s head and arm. Tommy Milligan in perfect position to see if Stein taps out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik locks his hands together and peels back on Dan Stein’s head and neck. Stein reaching out for the ropes, but he’s too far away! Wesley Crane comes up from behind and stomps Sheik on the the back of the head to break up the LaBell lock!
The Golden 1 Center jeers, and Wesley runs over and punches Kilroy on the apron. The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane attempts to suplex Kilroy into the ring but Evans blocks it. He plants his feet and lifts Crane into a suplex off the apron to the floor below!!
The Sacramento fans cheer loudly as Dan Stein, Kilroy Evans, and Wesley Crane lie on the arena floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself onto Crane and Stein with a crossbody!! Now the match is spilling out on the floor where these two really shine!
The crowd chants “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK!” as now all four men are lying on the concrete. Kilroy gets up and irish whips Dan Stein chestfirst into the announce table
Phillip Blauer: Oh, hey Dan. I don’t know if you heard that stuff I said about you earlier, that was just the hurt talking mostly. You see, I have several ingrown toenails and I mask the pain with snarky…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans spears Stein in the lower back, smooshing him against our announce table!
Dan Stein slinks down to the floor, clutching his ribs. The Sheik pulls Wesley Crane up by hair and irish whips him, but Crane reverses it and shoots him hard into the railing
Phillip Blauer: Tommy Milligan has lost control of this one!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane knees Sheik in the stomach, and then double underhook DDTs him on the concrete!!
The Sacramento fans jeer Wesley Crane as The Sheik is busted open, lying on the ground. Wesley Crane gets up only to be overtaken by Kilroy Evans who is punching him over and over. He lifts Crane up into an atomic drop and drops his groin on the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans peels Crane back into a tree of woe on the security rail! He backs up and running spears an upside down Crane into the steel guardrail!!
The Golden 1 Center erupts in cheers as Crane lays on the floor, his eyes closed in agony. Kilroy starts biting Wesley Crane’s eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your indignation here? He’s eating a man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s giving it all he’s got to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles.
Phillip Blauer: He’s giving him tetanus!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s got a great affection for the tag team titles he has won three different times. When he was part of the Miracle Violence Combination II he won it in a 2004 tournament where he and Andrew Karnage defeated the brothers “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “Tigre Negro” Sean Jackson in San Jose. Then in 2005, The Miracle Violence Combination II won another tournament in Palm Springs, defeating Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira. Then at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask as The Society of the New Breed won another tournament, defeating Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter in the finals.
Dan Stein peels Kilroy off of Wesley Crane and smashes him into the railing so hard it hits the people in the front row in the knees.
Phillip Blauer: Look at that. A whole row of $14 beers in those Simon Cruise collectible cups taken out. But he doesn’t care.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein retrieves his Peacemaker staff from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table
Phillip Blauer: Oh nelly.
Kilroy Evans thinks fast and grabs the cane out of Malcolm Xavier Graves’ hands
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That guy just robbed that poor handicapped man! Police!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans and Dan Stein having an impromptu sword fight with The Peacemaker and MXG’s cane. Kilroy attacks and Stein blocks it with his wooden staff.
Dan swings The Peacemaker and knocks the cane out of Kilroy’s hands and nails Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. in the knee
Phillip Blauer: Watch it, Jackie. Give these guys some room, for Pete’s sake.
The suddenly unarmed Kilroy gulps, and then smiles at Dan who’s holding the Peacemaker. Then he smiles and Dan Stein looks quizzically, then grimaces
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein turns around into a hellacious chair shot from The Sheik!!
The audience yells “OH!!” and Stein goes down like a redwood. A bleeding Sheik looks at the bent frame of the chair, and then tosses it over the ropes into the ring
Phillip Blauer: We just ruin every place we play.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Dan Stein into the ring while The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle. Sheik jumps off with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs up to the top turnbuckle again and backflips into a moonsault, but Stein puts his knees up!!
Sheik gasps for air, as Dan Stein lifts him up into a choke with both hands and then sits out into a tigerbomb
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik claps his legs together on Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein tags in a busted open Wesley Crane, and irish whips The Sheik into the ropes. Crane catches him with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up on his shoulders with a fireman’s carry, and then runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver!
Crane climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying elbow, but The Sheik rolls out of the way!! The crowd comes to life and The Sheik crawls over to tag in Kilroy, but Dan Stein runs in and stomps his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes in and Dan Stein grabs him and delivers three headbutts and goes for a facebuster, but Kilroy comes back up and headbutts Stein three times of his own! Stein and Kilroy start exchanging headbutts as the fans are on their feet!
Kilroy gets the better of the exchange and Dan Stein falls into the corner
Phillip Blauer: The winner is whichever guy doesn’t need to know where his car is parked tonight.
A bleeding Wesley Crane changes at a woozy Kilroy but The Sheik catches him with a tornado DDT! Kilroy spies Crane slowly getting up, so he picks up the bent chair that The Sheik threw into the ring earlier as the audience celebrates Wesley’s predicament
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans swings at him with that chair but Crane superkicks it into Kilroy’s face knocking him out of the ring!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. The Sheik goes to attack Crane, but Dan Stein comes up from behind. He turns the crimson masked Sheik around and lifts him up into a double handed choke. Wesley Crane sees this and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane hits Sheik with a flying v-trigger knee as Stein drops him in a powerbomb!! The Annotation!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays and the audience boos. Donnie Valentine Jr. hands Tommy Milligan the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. Milligan walks over and hands them to an exhausted Dan Stein and Wesley Crane
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SUITE LIFE!!!”
Kilroy and Sheik roll out of the ring and Kilroy helps a bloody Sheik walk back to the locker room. The fans jeer as Dan Stein and Wesley Crane hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team Championships. Wesley Crane straps his belt around his waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Suite Life survives a brutal match against 3 time Hardkore World Tag Team Champion Kilroy Evans and Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik. Somehow they have found a way to work together on a common goal, and it appears they have decided on taking a third path. One that they decide on.
Phillip Blauer: Like one of those movies, where the two mismatched people are paired up. One, a no nonsense strongman. The other a frivolous playboy. They’d kill each other if they weren’t too busy killing bad guys. But one, they tell each other an insightful story about a painful memory they have, creating an unspoken bond under their gruff exteriors…
"Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays and the fans boo. Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome walk out with Hasbulla in their street clothes. Awesome has a mic in his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are The Anointed doing here? They couldn’t just allow these two to celebrate a huge tag team win, they have to hear Dan and Wes’ decision about whether or not they want to remain in The Anointed?
The Sacramento crowd heckles them and someone hits Hasbulla with a plastic cup, half full with beer. Hasbulla goes after the guy, but Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. holds him back
Phillip Blauer: We just saved ourselves a major lawsuit there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has made it clear that he is not a part of The Anointed any longer after saving Marty Donovan from getting double teamed by Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship.
Dan Stein points at Awesome and AVB, walking over to the ropes. He warns them what’s going to happen if they step through those ropes. Steve Awesome and AVB
Steve Awesome: “I have to take care of some Anointed business right now.”
Awesome looks at the hard camera
Steve Awesome: “You know how that is, right Marty?”
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) Burn.
Steve Awesome: “Wes, Dan, you two have been silent since WarGames. We now know where Dan stands.”
The Sacramento crowd cheers as Dan nods, staring at them intently
Steve Awesome: “But Wes, you really only have two options to choose from. You're either gonna ride this rocket ship with us, or you're against us. You’ll see how that turns out when we have to slap the mustache off Dan later.”
Dan Stein steps through the ropes and stands on the apron, beckoning Steve Awesome to try it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein can take no more. He has had it with Steve Awesome, and Alexander Von Blankenship, who were not a part of the group when he joined…
Wesley Crane waffles Stein in the back of the head with that chair!! The impact sends him shooting like a lawn dart, hitting the steel railing with a loud crack that rings through The Golden 1 Center. The entire crowd gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh my God!
Phillip Blauer: Did you hear that sound??
Dan Stein lies on the floor motionless, referee Tommy Milligan and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. rush to his side and check his vitals. In the aisle, Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship look like this worked out better than they had planned it; smiling at one another in disbelief. Inside the ring, a bleeding Wesley Crane looks at the battered chair and then down at Stein on the cold concrete.
Phillip Blauer: I guess we got our answer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein was absolutely blindsided by that baseball swing of a shot that just destroyed that chair. He had to have been out, and it propelled him right into that railing, with no ability to protect himself on the way down.
Phillip Blauer: He got in that ring knowing this was a very real possibility, he just thought the window of that possibility had passed. He was wrong.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks over to Dan Stein’s crumpled form on the floor, and shoos away David Valentine Jr. and Tommy Milligan. He bends down and gives Dan Stein the sign of the cross
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s AVB doing?
Phillip Blauer: He’s taking the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt off from around the waist of Dan Stein! The absolute rocks this kid has! He’s somehow worse than his father Rat Bastard.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I didn’t think that was possible.
Phillip Blauer: Miracles happen every day, we just have to look for them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship strapping that Hardkore World Tag Team title belt around his waist for no reason. He didn’t win that title! He just picked the bones after Wesley Crane double crossed his partner of nearly a year. A man he held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship since Irish Rage in Belfast 2022 in September.
Alexander Von Blankenship enters the ring and with a smirk, puts his hand out. A bloody faced Crane looks at the hand, as Steve Awesome steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane shakes AVB’s hand, and holds up his arm!
The boos are deafening as AVB is celebrating with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship as if he won it with Wesley Crane
Steve Awesome: “Let me introduce you to your new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Trash starts being thrown into the ring, with water bottles, beer cups, and popcorn cups amongst other debris bouncing off the ring and the wrestlers
Phillip Blauer: These people are so uncouth.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For once, I agree with them. This is a terrible betrayal, and a farce to pretend that Alexander Von Blankenship is somehow the Hardkore World Tag Team Champion just because they wished it was so.
The fans chant “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*” Steve Awesome shushes them and tells them to shut up, while AVB motions for them to do it louder, while patting his ill-begotten championship belt.
Alexander Von Blankenship: “Let me show you something I’ve been wanting to do forever!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like AVB’s not done, making his way through the ropes towards Dan Stein on the floor…he’s got a beard trimmer! He pulled a bear trimmer out of his pocket.
Phillip Blauer: He’s going to shave his mustache off!
The Indiana Jones theme starts and the audience leaps to their feet!! Kilroy Evans pulls Marty Donovan with taped ribs by the arm like Miss Elizabeth dragging Hulk out to save Savage
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan! Dan Stein saved him earlier, and now he’s here to finally protect him for a change!
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy is here as well, but I assume that’s just because someone must have spilled their nachos.
Marty Donovan sees Dan out cold by the security rail. He gulps and starts marching towards Wesley Crane, AVB, and Steve Awesome in the ring. Awesome motions to the boys that they make themselves scarce, and they tumble out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy, Marty and Dan have been on different sides of the ring over the past 20 years, but they earned a respect of one another over the years. Now with The Anointed trying to run Hardkore World as their own personal fiefdom, they’ve decided to bury the hatchet of the past year and rekindle their old friendship.
Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan allow David Valentine Jr. and his medical team to work on getting Stein rolled over and stabilized
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome, Crane, and Von Blankenship slither off to the locker room looking pretty pleased with what they’ve done.
Phillip Blauer: And why wouldn’t they be? This is like when The Monkees got back together but with more head trauma and larceny!
The Anointed stand on the top of the ramp, holding up the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, the Hardkore West Coast Championship, the XHF Hardcore title, and the Wrestle: UK World Championship. Stein is awake and answering questions as David Valentine Jr., Kilroy and the medical team help load him on a stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re going to take a quick break before the main event so that Dan Stein can be safely transported out of ringside.
(We see the backstage catering area at one of the Hardkore World house shows. Marty flips through a contract while a glum Kilroy stares down at an empty plate.)
Marty: Can you believe this? Jonnie is only offering me a small raise because of all those times in gorilla that I spat on him.
Kilroy: I think you’d find the boys more sympathetic to your plight if catering didn’t have us all fighting over a single box of Shark Bites.
(Marty looks across the room and sees the enhancement talent arguing over a meager spread. A sign on the table reads “TWO GUMMIES PER WRESTLER”.)
Marty: I just realized something.
Kilroy: That wrestling for free would allow money to be invested into other aspects of Hardkore World and you’d still make more than the rest of us from your comic-con appearances, hit podcast, and lucrative Disney sponsorship?
Marty: No, Hollywood is on strike! Disney Plus is going to be scrambling for new content. I could have my own reality show where I donate an INCREDIBLY MEAGER part of my salary into improving the lives of these jobbers!
Kilroy: I think, grading on a steep Marty Donovan curve, that’s almost a good deed.
Marty: Right? The TV money will be rolling in and this is a chance for the locker room to see what a caring person I actually am.
(Dana “The Drone” Daniels timidly approaches the table.)
Dana: Do you guys mind if I sit here?
Marty: Fuck off!
(The shot changes to Marty and Kilroy standing in a nice apartment. They are dressed like the hosts of This Old House. They address the camera.)
Marty: We’re here in the meager, filthy, shameful home of The Hurricane.
Kilroy: This is actually an incredibly nice apartment.
Marty: Get real, you’d never even know that Hurricane lived here. There is not one single memento from his time in the WWF. I think a shopping spree is needed. What do you say, partner?
Kilroy: I’m just here because it's a legal loophole that allows me to shop at Lowes.
(The camera does a star wipe. The apartment is now filled with photos, championship belts, toys and other memorabilia from Hurricane’s heyday. Marty shushes the camera as the front door opens. A shocked wrestler in a green mask walks in.)
Marty: Surprise! You’re on Marty’s Magical Makeover! Hurricane, this is a small gesture to show how much I appreciate what you did for the business. No thanks is needed, just provide a talking head about how Cross Recoba would never be so generous.
(The homeowner grows visibly angry. Kilroy is concerned.)
Marty: He’s too overwhelmed to even speak. Kilroy, how would you describe that look on Hurricane’s face?
Kilroy: Shane’s not here, but I can tell you that Little Dragon looks furious.
Marty: What? This isn’t my fault. One of them should wear red. Tune in next time when we remix Kalmin Watt’s theme to have Awkwafina doing The Scuttlebutt rap over it. I’m your…
(Little Dragon tackles Marty to the floor and begins to wail on him. Kilroy just watches.)
Kilroy: You know, I was wondering why Hurricane’s fridge had all those pictures of The Shootfighter.
(The shot fades out to Marty’s screams.)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alright fans, we’ve seen to have gotten control back after the anarchy in the previous two matches. Now we have our main event, Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba puts his belt on the line against the very popular Little Dragon. In Tacoma, Washington, Cross Recoba cost Tuxedo Mask his chance to win the Hardkore World Television title, a championship his family friend, Thunder Kid held back in 1993. Tonight, Little Dragon wants not only revenge, but to be the first person in his family to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Phillip Blauer: In a pig’s eye.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and The Golden 1 Center lets out an ear splitting pop as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: As I said earlier, Little Dragon defeated The Martian in the first round, and seemingly had “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall on the ropes in the semi-finals when Cross Recoba pushed him off the top rope.
Phillip Blauer: As is his right, under ius primae noctis.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not what that is.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I don’t speak Spanish, but what I know is that if you are a CEO of one company, and the World Champion of another. You can pretty much toss anyone off of anything you like. That’s just American.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon not taking Cross Recoba’s offer of no-showing tonight’s match. Not only is that not the type of man Little Dragon is, he would never deprive the West Coast fans from seeing what he is going to do to Cross Recoba tonight.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols. He’s got a cast on his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon claims Cross Recoba to be the loneliest guy in the Hardkore World locker room…
Phillip Blauer: Fake news. That would be me. Followed by Carl.
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. slumps in his chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: But that Cross Recoba should learn to start respecting the company that he’s the World Champion of. He can start tonight, by respecting Little Dragon after the beating he plans to give him.
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Golden 1 Center as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Sacramento audience jeers as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is strapped around his waist. The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Phillip Blauer: Let the record show that Cross Recoba is doing this match under protest. He offered Little Dragon a pretty sweet deal to sit home in Hong Kong. I would have taken that in a heartbeat. Who wants to come to Sacramento this bad? Ridiculous.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Phil, you and Little Dragon are different people.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba seemingly starting to feel the pressure of being World Champion as well as running Tap Out as well as wrestling in different territories as well. He wrestled at the XHF Rumble in Foxborough and competed for the Infinite Pro World Championship against Myojin in Santa Clara. He felt slighted by Hardkore Jonnie Valentine deciding to put the WarGames match on last in Seattle, despite him being the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Phillip Blauer: That probably had more to do with how slow Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is at taking down two cages, but I get it.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Sacramento fans He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba says he is the one getting new eyeballs on Hardkore World, not it’s veteran stars, and yet he is ignored while they are still celebrated, even though he is The Top Guy.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck, then he sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba has vowed to target Little Dragon’s recovering wrist as payback for his comments. He has no respect for his opponent, this territory, or Hardkore Jonnie Valentine, so in protest, he is going to start ruining all of the main events until he gets what he wants. Like he did in Tacoma when he tried to injure Little Dragon so he didn’t have to wrestle him tonight.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Carl Valentine Jr. rings the bell and the lights drop, and a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of the evening!”
The Sacramento crowd roars and Greg gives them a few moments to die down
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Golden 1 Center gives Little Dragon one of the loudest pops of the night, with kids yelling their loudest. He acknowledges them with a head nod. The fans then begin booing in anticipation for Cross’ introduction
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The boos are deafening as Cross give them another mocking bow and then hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match
Cross Recoba vs. Little Dragon
The bell rings and Cross Recoba and Little Dragon lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Little Dragon quickly grabs a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross struggling to get out of that headlock, but Little Dragon flips him with a headlock takedown. Recoba trying to twist out of it, but Dragon presses his shoulders to the mat.
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba rolls Little Dragon into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Little Dragon rolls back into the side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba works back to his feet with Little Dragon hanging on, so Little Dragon takes him over again in a side headlock takedown.
Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. He takes one of his legs and is able to escape the headlock by applying a headscissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon slips his head out of the scissors and gets to his feet, kicking the sitting Recoba in the face!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a collective “OH!” delighting in Recoba’s face getting kicked in. Little Dragon hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon comes with a flying body press but Cross catches him and drops him in that shoulderbreaker. Dragon staggers up, and Cross grabs him from behind with a jumping reverse STO!
The cheers turn to jeers as Cross rubs his cheek from the earlier kick. He irish whips Dragon into the ropes and then hits him with a dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon gets to his feet and Cross Recoba whacks him in the chest with a reverse knife edge chop! Little Dragon answers with a chop of his own. Another one from cross backs Dragon into the corner.
Little Dragon responds with a blistering chop that leaves a handprint. A third chop to Little Dragon’s chest is heard throughout the Golden 1 Center. Little Dragon counters with a muy thai kick to Recoba’s ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tries to put out that fire with another stiff chop, but Dragon cracks him with a muy thai kick to his knee. Recoba hobbles back, but Dragon drops him with another muy thai kick to the ankle.
Little Dragon waits for Cross to get up and then clips his knee out from behind! Recoba yelps and clutches his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls him up into a suplex, but Cross blocks it and counters with a snap suplex. He hits the ropes and drops an elbow on Dragon’s chest.
…ONE!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross lifts Dragon up by the hair and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker, dropping down for a devastating effect!
Little Dragon sits up, clutching the back of his neck as the crowd boos. He gets up, but Cross is waiting for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba with a boot to the head, but Little Dragon catches his leg in a dragon screw, into a stepover toehold! Cross vowed to re-injure Dragon’s arm, but thus far it has been Little Dragon succeeding with attacks to his leg.
Little Dragon wrenches Recoba’s trapped calf, putting pressure on his knee. Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head at the senior official
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross finally able to grab the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan asks Little Dragon to break the stepover toehold. He pulls Cross up and irish whips him, but Recoba reverses it and shoots him into the corner. Little Dragon bounces off the turnbuckles and takes out Cross with a russian sickle!
The Sacramento crowd erupts in cheers as Little Dragon pumps them up. He motions for Cross to get back onto his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon blasts him with that cast!
Cross Recoba flops through the ropes out to the floor, as the audience erupts with cheers. Kids stick their thumbs down in Recoba’s face, while he limps at ringside.
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous. They need to remove that cast. This is Sacramento, someone must have a mini-buzzsaw on them.
Cross complains to Tommy Milligan to get Little Dragon back. Some fans at ringside start chanting “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: (nervous) You don’t really think so, do you?
Phillip Blauer: Oh sure. Place like this?
Guillermo gets a little skittish and Cross Recoba returns to the apron. Little Dragon pushes past Tommy Milligan and punches Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba returns fire with a stiff right cross that dazes Little Dragon.
While still on the ring apron, Recoba grabs Little Dragon and runs him face first into one of the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba slingshots himself over the top rope into an elbow drop onto Dragon’s chest!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross picks him up and reverse knife edges him in the chest again. Little Dragon responds with a judo chop to the side of the neck. Cross tries to kick him, but Little Dragon grabs him with another dragon screw, but this time Recoba is waiting for him with an enzuigiri!
Little Dragon is dazed, so Cross grabs two handfuls of his hair and sits out into a facebuster! The Sacramento crowd heckles Cross Recoba with “Culero! Culero! Culero!” but Cross seems to welcome their hatred.
Phillip Blauer: See? They think he’s cool.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s spanish for ass fucker, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) I don’t think so. My gardener calls me that all the time. Because I’m a cool boss. A Culero.
Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle and confidently pushes his hair out of his eye to louder boos
Phillip Blauer: They even hate the man’s hair, Giancarlo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon runs up the turnbuckles and monkey flips him off the top rope!!
The crowd cheers as Cross Recoba sits up in pain. Little Dragon applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his leg and cranks back on Recoba’s arm, straining the champion’s abdominal muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross refusing to give up, so he hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He irish whips Little Dragon into the turnbuckles, and then charges in with a knee to his stomach.
Cross Recoba backs up and follows it up with a running european uppercut that devastates Dragon in the corner. He backs up a third time as the audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba charges in but this time Little Dragon puts his knees up into Cross’ face! Dragon steps up onto the second turnbuckle and catches a dazed Recoba with a flying shoulder tackle!
The crowd pops and Little Dragon applies a stepover ankle lock. He twists his body so that he can wrench Recoba’s foot and leg to the side. Recoba cries out in pain, while he reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon sees that Cross is getting close, so he drags Recoba back to the center of the ring, and then sits down on his leg into an STF!
The Golden 1 Center gets loud! Cross Recoba gasps for air, fighting to escape. Little Dragon clamps down on Recoba’s windpipe as the fans chant “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled once before in Albuquerque, New Mexico with Cross winning back in December.
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me, I gotta start shopping for my Christmas presents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re already shopping this early?
Phillip Blauer: No, I mean for last year’s gift.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba starts hammer punching his injured wrist so Little Dragon is forced to abandon the STF.
Little Dragon stands up, holding his wrist. Recoba gets up and gets slightly underneath him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a saito suplex that dumps Little Dragon on the back of his head! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and catches a rising Dragon right on the button with a missile dropkick!!
The Sacramento fans start chanting “CULERO!! CULERO!! CULERO!!!” as Recoba pulls himself up to his feet. A mother in the audience cups the ears of her 6 year old son. He drapes a facedown Dragon’s wrist on the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba takes a few steps and kneedrops the back of Dragon’s elbow while it’s hung on the bottom rope!
Little Dragon cries out in pain, and snatches his arm back underneath his body, kicking his toes in the mat in pain. Cross pulls him up and gets behind him with a chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba chicken wing suplexes Little Dragon on his injured arm!
Little Dragon rolls around the mat, clutching his wrist to his stomach. Cross lifts him up by the hair, drapes his leg over the back of Dragon’s head and drives him face first into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba pulls him up and grabs a hold of his hair, tossing him over the top rope!
Little Dragon hangs on, while Recoba limps back a few steps, with his back turned. The audience cheers as Dragon skins the cat back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon right back in the ring and Cross sees him. Recoba charges in, but Dragon catches him with an enzuigiri of his own! He lifts Cross up in an atomic drop and then just chucks Recoba to the floor!!
The crowd cheers as Little Dragon hits the ropes and dives over the ropes into a plancha that he catches a rising Recoba with! The audience chants “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon irish whips Cross Recoba into the steel steps!!
The sound of Recoba’s knees hitting the stairs rings through the Golden 1 Center, and he goes up and over them. Dragon rolls Recoba back into the ring, but hangs his legs out, then crotches him into the ringpost! The fans celebrate Recoba’s predicament
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon wraps Recoba’s leg around that steel corner post!
Phillip Blauer: No video screen ring posts here! Though, we would love the Cinnamon Toast Crunch money.
Yolanda Ando: We really would.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, that would be amazing. Little Dragon smashes his knee with a chair against that ringpost!!
The audience cheers the sound of that chair clanking against his knee and cornerpost
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon wraps Recoba’s legs around the ringpost and drops down into a figure four leglock!!
The fans cheer as Cross Recoba sits up in agony, trying to escape anyway he can. He grabs Tommy Milligan’s shirt in frustration
Guillermo O’Bannon:Dragon pulling down on those tendons, crushing them against the steel!
Little Dragon finally releases the figure four around the ringpost, and Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring, holding his knee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls him up and bashes Recoba’s face into the railing! Again! He rolls back onto the apron, hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault but Recoba moves out of the way and Dragon hits the guardrail!!
The air goes out of the crowd and they jeer Recoba as he lies next to Little Dragon on the floor, still holding his knee. He eventually gets to his feet and rolls Little Dragon onto the apron. Cross gets on the apron and pulls him up into a front facelock, then sit out DDTs Dragon on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Staten Island Drop!! Cross Recoba waits for Little Dragon to get to his feet and then hits the ropes, jumping over the top rope with a Million Lira Dropkick to Little Dragon on the floor!!
The boos are resounding as they lie on the concrete, trying to catch their breath. Recoba rolls Little Dragon back into the ring and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes down with a flying elbow drop, crashing down along Little Dragon’s jawline!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon staggers to his feet, but Recoba hooks him up, kicks his leg out and rolls him into a ranhei cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle, but once again, Little Dragon is so quick to jump up there and belly to belly superplex him across the ring!!
The fans come to life as Little Dragon smells blood. Cross Recoba tries to crawl away from him but Dragon grabs one of his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon drops down into another anklelock! He squeezes his legs around Recoba’s thigh, while trying to twist Cross’ foot off.
The Sacramento fans chant “TAP! TAP! TAP!” as Cross Recoba screams in torment. Little Dragon rocks back on his leg, attempting to break the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is finally able to kick Little Dragon off and escape the anklelock, but Little Dragon stands up still holding Recoba’s leg. He spinning toeholds his leg over the other and then drops down into a figure four leglock!
Recoba sits up, howling in pain. The crowd continues to chant “TAP! TAP! TAP!” Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to do just that, but Recoba shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon attempting to cash in on all the damage he’s done to Cross’ knee for the past 20 minutes. He clamps down on Recoba’s twisted legs, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Expired. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon applies more pressure to those knees and Recoba falls back to the mat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba sits back up!
Phillip Blauer: What? A guy can’t lay down anymore?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No? Cross Recoba now trying to turn it over, he’s too far from the ropes to escape that way.
The crowd boos as Cross Recoba successfully turns the figure four over, putting pressure on Little Dragon’s legs. Dragon releases the hold and pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon jumps back into a springboard elbow, but Cross Recoba catches him with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon rolls his shoulder up!
Cross Recoba chicken wings his arm and scoops Little Dragon up, then jumping spinning hammerlock tombstone piledrives him
Guillermo O’Bannon: A chicken wing Up All Night In Dakota!!
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like a depressing evening if you ask me.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and Cross Recoba rolls off of Little Dragon with his arm held in the air
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was not the easy match he predicted, but Cross Recoba is able to outlast the young Little Dragon. As it pains me to admit, he is starting to make his case as a dominant Hardkore World Heavyweight champion.
Tommy Milligan hands Cross Recoba his HCW Diamond belt and his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Little Dragon rolls out to the floor, while Recoba limps up to his feet. He holds the two championship belts in the air to the boos of the Sacramento crowd
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, stop living in the past, Gramps. This guy is the new deal. Like Roosevelt.
“Boomer Sooner” by the Oklahoma University Marching Band begins playing and the jeers turn to cheers. Cross Recoba’s head darts towards the entrance
Phillip Blauer: What is that terrible noise??
Anthony Jordan walks out with a microphone in his hand and the Wrestle: UK Television Champion Kalmin Watts, looking jacked. Cross Recoba’s eyes bug out and he walks to the ropes, yelling at them for interrupting his post-match celebration
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Kalmin Watts! A friend of Little Dragon!
Anthony Jordan: “Hey Cross. How you doing? You know, I’ve heard you’ve been complaining about your opponents lately. Well, I have some amazing news. I just talked with Jonnie Valentine, and he said you’ll be defending your Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Kalmin Watts at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!”
The Sacramento crowd cheers and Cross Recoba stares in disbelief
Guillermo O’Bannon: A friend of Little Dragon and Cross Recoba’s opponent at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!
Phillip Blauer: And what right does graduating from Oklahoma give him to interrupt the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s post-match ego bath??
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just letting Cross know he’s got a big match to contend with this summer with the Master of the Sooner Squeeze!
Kalmin Watts makes the belt sign around his waist as the fans cheer. Cross shakes his head and points at the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and yells “This is mine!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we’ll see you across the pond, at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and welcome back to Sacramento. This is the first time we’ve been back here in 18 years, 2005, and I can’t say I missed it.
The nearby fans chant “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Hey! They’re right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, before that it was 12 years, when we came here in 1993 where Dirty White Trash & The Bruiser defeated Partyman Pete & The Doomer with a flying hammerlock at The Arco Arena to win the Hardkore America Tag Team titles.
Phillip Blauer: Partyman Pete? How is that Dutch bastard?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Still partying.
Phillip Blauer: That is so Pete.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, we’re here for a great night of Hardkore action…
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your hotel room?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Across from the arguing couple, next to the guy that needs his porn movies turned all the way up? You?
Phillip Blauer: I thought my room came with a free crack pipe, but the owner came back at 4am to get it back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think that’s what the couple must have been arguing about. Cross Recoba puts his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Little Dragon. Little Dragon showed he belonged in the upper echelon in the WarGames match in Seattle. Now tonight, a career highlight as he takes on Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba who bested Tuxedo Mask in a ladder match. In Tacoma, Cross Recoba cost Little Dragon the Hardkore World Television title in the tournament, throwing him off the top rope before he was able to best the eventual winner, The Salford Squid.
Phillip Blauer: As we all know, Sacramento is where dreams come to die and tonight will be no different as Cross Recoba will be leaving this domestic violence capital with his belt intact.
Guillermo O’Bannon: One of our more intriguing matches of the night will be the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships. In Seattle, as we all saw, The Anointed kicked out their leader, Marty Donovan, after that brutal WarGames match. But one underappreciated development was the lack of reaction, positive or negative, by one Wesley Crane. That could be because of his championship pairing with “The Punisher” Dan Stein. Tonight they put that tag team and their championship belts on the line against Kilroy Evans and his new partner The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s side is Wes on? Who’s side is Dan on? Who’s side am I on?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The worst side, I would imagine.
Phillip Blauer: Well, great. Now you’ve ruined it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in a falls count anywhere match, Disney’s Marty Donovan gets Steve Awesome in the ring after what he did in Seattle.
Phillip Blauer: If you’re talking about getting himself over then guilty as charged!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan was betrayed by Alexander Von Blankenship, who he started The Anointed with, and Steve Awesome, who Marty had recently befriended. Again, I haven’t been a big Marty supporter since he returned to Hardkore World…
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But that was a two on one attack, and then another man he’s spilled blood with, Wesley Crane left him to the wolves.
Phillip Blauer: AVB said it. They were looking for a new leader to the pack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You are the worst friend.
Phillip Blauer: I prefer to see it as rugged individualism with a keen eye for untethering myself from toxic people. You should try it. Your wife and kid are dragging you down, compadre. It’s time to get back out there and see if a different wife and kid could be just what you need. Besides, did you see what he did in Tacoma? What kind of friend brutally attacks another friend’s scarecrow that he uses to get out of house shows?! Do you know how hard it is to get new hay these days? It can be darn near impossible, and then they want an arm and a leg for it, literally!
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Tacoma, Marty nearly took Steve Awesome’s head off with Mein van Houten’s mop.
Phillip Blauer: Wrestling is dangerous enough without involving cleaning products.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Marty gets his hands on one of his former friends, and it’s gonna go all over Sacramento.
The crowd gets another “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!” chant going.
Phillip Blauer: Poor bastards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know. Then Tuxedo Mask takes on Simon Cruise. In Seattle, after that terrible head injury in Portland this March, Moondog Dook came out dressed as Sailor Moon during his match with The Salford Squid. Tuxedo Mask came out because he thought Dook was mocking his friend Ri Eun-Ae. Dook seemingly was attracted to Tux…
Phillip Blauer: Great, now Tux is going to go missing too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After the match, Tuxedo Mask laid out both Moondog Dook and Salford Squid, so Simon Cruise came out to stand up for them, leading to tonight’s encounter. This is a match I’m looking forward to and could possibly steal the show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Alexander Von Blankenship, fresh off of selling Marty down the river, takes on the new Hardkore World Television ChampionThe Salford Squid.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, I don’t get him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid? What’s not to get?
Phillip Blauer: What’s the whole thing with him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s just proud of his hometown, and wants to represent his trainers well, and I think he’s done that.
Phillip Blauer: No, I don’t get why anyone would cheer him over AVB. Alex is handsome, intelligent, and his Dad was a big star which makes him a bigger star. The Salmon Squid is a pasty punk who got scammed by Dave Sadler, The Man of a Thousand Gimmicks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, not everyone thinks like you Phil.
The fans behind them chant “GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!! GUILLERMO SUCKS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Hey guys? I don’t need your help.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Kalmin Watts takes on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Dirk heard rumors of Watts criticizing his loss to Simon Cruise in Seattle. So in Tacoma, he took the mic and ran down Watts and his manager until they came out and challenged him to The Sooner Squeeze. Despite Mickie Fury’s protests, Dirk accepted and may have injured his ribs in the process.
Phillip Blauer: Dirk’s gotta stop listening to rumors and the dirtsheets. Now look at him, taped up ribs and quiet car rides.
“Baba O'Riley” by The Who plays and the Sacramento crowd politely applaud as Moondog Dook walks out dressed as Sailor Moon. The reaction is muted and you can hear individual people talking as he nods at the camera and gnaws on his chain
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, is he still doing this nonsense?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently.
Moondog Dook starts howling the Sailor Moon theme song at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I mean, I don’t think anyone should be bullied…
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t if I were you either. Look I get it, Tux is a handsome man. There’s no denying it. You can’t stand in the way of true love, Humperdink.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But this just seems to be a horrible symptom of his most recent head trauma. Someone should really pay him a visit at his…God, where does he live now?
Donnie Valentine Jr.: The ring truck.
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is standing next to the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas! You just pop out of nowhere, don’t ya?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We now go to our Hardkore Fashion Reporter, Yolanda Ando. Yolanda?
Yolanda Ando: Moondog Dook is a gross Albino hillbilly with a wild beard and hair, with tattered jean shorts, barefeet, and a rope for a belt.
Moondog Dook staggers into the ring and circles it round and round, barking at the fans
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Golden 1 Center for tonight’s Hardkore World action!”
The fans do the Sacramento Kings “LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM!” chant. Greg pauses to let them finish
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is that? Is it stupid?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s stupid.
Phillip Blauer: I knew it. I knew it was stupid.
“LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM! LIGHT THE BEAM!” the Golden 1 Arena continues to chant. Greg nods and smiles warmly at the audience
Greg Jin: “Your first match of the evening is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 260 pounds…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
Moondog gets a mixed reaction as he chews on the top rope
The lights in the Golden 1 Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains
I am the roughest of waves
I'm the toughest of terrors
I am the darkest of days
I'm the last one that's standing,
Don't try to stand in my way,
Cause I've been up against better,
Just take a look at my face
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. zooms into Joe Nobody's face who smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, out of Detroit, the man who held the PTSD Openweight Championship for a record 732 days, Joe Nobody!
Phillip Blauer: Pfft, I’ve held PTSD for way longer than that, junior. Try waking up every night from night terrors after a lasik eye surgery botch that cost me an eyebrow. See?
Phil shows him his eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: I gotta glue this bad boy on every night. So what’s this guy’s name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: No, I’m asking you. What’s his name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t get snippy with me, Buster. I’m asking you his name.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And I’m telling you, he’s Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: I know that, but what am I supposed to call him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: So you’re telling me to call him Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, what’s his name?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: His name is Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes.
Phillip Blauer: (rolls his eyes) So if I go to this guy’s house. Wait for his mailman. Kill his mailman. Take his mailman’s clothes and go to his mailman’s house and live there for a while. Raise his kids and be the husband that mailman never could, and do his mailman’s route, and deliver a letter to his house, his name is going to be Nobody??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t do that.
Phillip Blauer: (still doing the bit) It’s gonna be addressed to Nobody?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (horrified) Phil, that sounds incredibly planned out. If you can hear me in there, don’t do that.
Phillip Blauer: (committed to the bit) That’s what I’m trying to ask ya!!
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps up the ring stairs, he stops. Nobody turns around to give a young fan his signature fedora
Phillip Blauer: That’s probably that child’s first hat that doesn’t say Sacramento Kings on it. Look at him. He has no idea what it is. “Do I eat it?”
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is a 17 year veteran who thought he was done with wrestling, but he think he’s got a good run left in him. He says that he represents the gritty side of the squared circle, and life on the road has hardened him into one of the top talents on the scene today of any weight or size, and we’re happy to have him here on the West Coast!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, Making his Hardkore Debut…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Sacramento fans give him a polite reaction for his first appearance though it is clear there are some pockets that recognize him from his appearance in other territories
Joe Nobody vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as our show is live! Joe Nobody dashes from his corner and engages with the Moondog
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody twists under his arm into a standing arm bar. He clamps down and wrenches on Moondog’s arm.
Nobody transitions the armbar to a drop toe hold and then wheels around to a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The more powerful Dook sees the opportunity and takes it, powering both men to their feet and driving them into the corner.
Retreating into the center of the ring, Moondog Dook charges and spreads his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook charges in with a splash, but Joe moves out the way!
Moondog Dook staggers out of the corner andJoe Nobody dragon screws him to the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using an arm to lift him, Nobody lifts up Dook and then wraps an arm around him, then snaps back into a russian leg sweep!
Nobody rolls them both back to their feet and throws an elbow into the sternum of the Moondog
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody whacks Dook upside the head with a superkick!
Moondog Dook falls through the ropes out onto the the floor. Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody runs along the apron, hops onto the second turnbuckle, and turns around into a springboard dropkick to Moondog Dook on the floor!!
The Sacramento pops and Nobody rolls Dook back into the ring. He steps back in and hits the ropes, catching Moondog Dook with a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Moondog Dook kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Whenever I see a homeless guy with a dog, I always think that’s a status symbol. Like “Hey, I can feed this thing too!”
The Prince of Perfection tries to keep the pressure on and brings Dook to his feet but Dook bites his head, driving him back into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: Nobody needs to get some shots after that. And I’m not talking about the one he has with his Corgi.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Using his sheer size to pin his opponent in, the Moondog throws combinations of rights and lefts that pepper the body of Nobody.
Mixing it up, Dook throws a headbutt that brings Joe stumbling out of the corner. Dook flips him to the mat with a big back body drop that takes him to the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook measures up the Man from Michigan before landing a knee drop that connects with the head of his opponent.
Hauling Joe to his feet, Dook grabs the hair of his opponent and uses it to drag him back to the corner. He rears the head back to drive it into the turnbuckle but Joe puts a foot on the middle turnbuckle to block it, popping the crowd, then elbows Dook in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another elbow to the rib cage followed by a knee doubles the Moondog over and Nobody takes Dook in a front facelock then drills his head into the mat with a tornado DDT!
Dazed, the Moondog staggers to his feet and Nobody rushes at him with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Seeing his opponent on one knee, Joe Nobody sprints to the ropes and puts him down with a picture perfect dropkick that puts him face down on the mat!
Going back to the ropes Joe builds up speed and sprints past Dook, trying to get back to his feet, Nobody comes off the other ropes and hits him with his running STO
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and the fans cheer as Joe Nobody hops up with his arms raised.
Greg Jin: “At 5 minutes 38 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of the kid in the audience that Joe gave the fedora to who is clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: He said it is time to turn men into gods…
Phillip Blauer: What in Sam Hill does that mean?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess we’re about to find out after Nobody easily handles Moondog Dook.
Phillip Blauer: Who handled Dook?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t wanna keep doing this…
We go backstage where The Blessed One, Alexander Von Blankenship , moments before his scheduled match up here in Sacramento.
An intense look on his face, almost annoyed. He notices the camera and begins to speak.
Pathetic. A Roast Beef Cult? That's what you refer to the Anointed as now, huh, Marty? The brotherhood that took you in, brought you success, until you became so self absorbed, and began making everything about you. But you know what's more annoying than that Marty? It's watching all these mark ass fans and turds in the back asking "Is Marty ok?" , Acting as if you didn't deserve what the Anointed did to you. Acting as if you weren't on top of their most hated list 3 weeks ago. What they should be asking, if they were really concerned is if the Anointed, if Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome are ok, if we are fine, after what we had to do to ensure the continuance of the brotherhood that is the Anointed. After we had to cut out the selfish, cancerous , cell that we used to call a brother. They should be asking if Wesley Crane is fine, but no no no, they are more worried about your egomaniac Mouse loving ass. In case you were wondering though Marty, it was tough, it's been a rough road, but Awesome and I are ok. We made the best decision for the Anointed, and even though it hurt us oh so badly....
AVB feigns a broken heart and tries to muster up his best broken heart face.
We have endured the deep pain that was beating the magical churros and over priced mouse ears out of you, and have recovered. Weasley though, he is having a slightly rougher time with things, but Steve and I are very understanding, we have given him his space, but tonight , in SacTown, I am sure that he will do the right thing, and see the brotherhood that the Anointed provides him is the one and only way to the top of Hardkore World.
Just then we hear AVB's music hit. He smirks at the camera, that trademark Cheshire Cat smile.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go unleash some of this built up heartbreak and sorrow upon some punk ass kid. See ya around, Marty.
This Friday on Dark Side of the Ring
Moondog Dook
Jonnie Valentine: So I pick up the phone and the cop says “Is this Hardkore Jonnie Valentine?” and I say “Yes?” and they say, “You better come down here.”
An old “Giant” Baba O’Reilly is smoking next to his oxygen tank he’s hooked up to
“Giant” Baba O’Reilly: I probably could have lasted 5 more years as a wrestler, but I couldn’t last another second being his partner.
Jonnie Valentine: I stopped him before he went out there, and I said. “Now, you know what I need you to do out there, right?” and he nodded. I think he understood but…that reporter barely got his question out before he just started biting him. And it was everywhere. SNL’s opening skit, Jay Leno had it in every monologue. I thought were gonna get shut down…
Dr. Tojo Sushi: Look, no one knows what went on between Moondog Dook and Reginald St. Jock in that shower before we all showed up. I just remember hearing this…guttural noise.
Carl Valentine Jr.: Look, sex tapes were a big thing back then, they were everywhere. But this tape. I had to turn it off. It was like watching The Ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match that has some ill feelings involved.
Phillip Blauer: By George, this should be a treat! I’ve never seen one of those before.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It sounds as if Kalmin Watts’ manager Anthony Jordan may have made some comments in the locker room to fire up Dirk van Thijmen. In Tacoma, Thijmen took umbrage with them and that brought out Kalmin Watts. Watts challenged him to The Sooner Squeeze, and against his wife’s advice, Dirk van Thijmen accepted.
Phillip Blauer: Of course. What does she know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leading to Kalmin Watts possibly injuring Dirk van Thijmen’s ribs.
Phillip Blauer: Well, like they say, “happy wife, happy life”.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Sacramento fans cheer as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury and his ribs taped. He winces as he walks
Guillermo O’Bannon: And the rumors appear to be true, Dirk van Thijmen did sustain some rib injuries in Tacoma, Washington.
Phillip Blauer: That makes no sense. I had it on good authority from Hardkore Reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. that he was, and I quote, “hunky dory!” Hunky dory!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (holds his ear) I heard you, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I should have listened to that damn cat. Melton Purrtown.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen winces as he walks down to the ring. Mickie Fury pats him on the shoulder as the crowd chants “MICKIE! MICKIE! MICKIE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen defeated Dana “The Drone” Daniels in the first round of the Hardkore World Television title tournament, and then beat Palm Springs Outlaw Wrestling Champion The Hurricane in the second round before getting injured by Kalmin Watts. He limped into the finals and was defeated by The Salford Squid Callum Cornwall for the TV title.
Mickie Fury helps Dirk van Thijmen into the ring, and he steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen admits he partied a lot in the Arenas section of Palm Springs, but says that he has trained enough for this match. He’s heard the people that say he should have dropped out of this match, but he never backs down from a challenge.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury definitely has heat with Anthony Jordan. She has repeatedly said that as far as she is concerned, Kalmin’s manager has a huge target on his back.
Phillip Blauer: I know I say this every Dirk van Thijmen match, but I think his wife has a serious crush on his opponent. It’s crazy how that works out every time.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit and is for the WRESTLE UK TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Sacramento crowd gives Dirk a big pop
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Golden 1 Center cheers as Kalmin Watts, wearing his Wrestle: UK British TV Title around his waist, walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said, Kalmin Watts’ manager might have egged this on a little without his client’s knowledge, but he’s here to deal with the fallout.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what a good manager does sometimes. Shake up the ant hill and see how you respond. I once had manager send my sex tape instead of my resume reel. Did I get the job? No. Can I go to Baltimore? Not without a police escort. But the important thing was it took me out of my comfort zone.
Kalmin Watts slaps hands with the fans and he walks down to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts also seems to be worried about Marty Donovan looking for support.
Phillip Blauer: Good heavens. Is he sniffing around these poor people now? The man is a collegiate wrestler and his degenerate manager. Read the room, Monty!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty. Nevertheless, Marty has his tentative endorsement in his falls count anywhere match with Steve Awesome later on tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, that and a dollar won’t get you a cup of coffee.
Yolanda Ando: Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze, He is The Current Wrestle: UK Television Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Sacramento crowd gives Kalmin Watts a huge ovation as he stands with his arms crossed, nodding
Kalmin Watts vs. Dirk "Glorious Wolf" van Thijmen
Guillermo O’Bannon: They circle each other slowly, and then lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up. Kalmin Watts does a go behind. But then Dirk reverses it into a go behind rear waistlock.
Kalmin Watts arm drags his way out of it, but Dirk comes back with a head scissors into a leg vice. Watts whips his body out so that he lands on his feet. They both spring to their feet and stare at one another. The audience applauds
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men are very gifted at grappling. They lock up again, and this time Kalmin does a go behind and grabs a hammerlock. He cranks up van Thijmen’ wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow.
Dirk van Thijmem does a go behind and grabs a chicken wing of his own. Watts tries to elbow out of it, but Dirk ducks and tightens up on the hammerlock. Mickie Fury claps from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts escapes the chicken wing with a fireman’s carry into an armbar.
The crowd gives them another round of applause. Watts sticks his knee into van Thijmen’s shoulder, and crushes that trapped arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen works his way to his feet with Watts hanging on to that armbar. He slips his arm out and twists Watts’ arm. Van Thijmen gives the Sooner’s arm another twist.
Kalmin Watts tucks his head and rolls into a somersault to untwist his own arm. He grabs van Thijmen by the head and snap mares him to the mat. He moves in but van Thijmen gives him a snap mare of his own. Both men freeze, trying to anticipate the others’ next move, and the Sacramento crowd breaks out in more applause. Dirk winces and holds is ribs for a second
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen darts in trying to get behind Watts, but Watts fends him off, moving behind him before going for a throw. Thijmen blocks, and twists away. Neither man has gained an advantage yet in this chess match.
Dirk van Thijmen gives him a quick nod that draws a grim smile from Watts. The two circle again, and then Thijmen comes in low grabbing for Watts’ legs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Watts draws back, driving a quick knee into Thijmen’s face. Thijmen staggers back, and Watts pushes him into the ropes, going for the grapple. Thijmen grabs the ropes, and Kelly O’Connell calls for a break.
Watts draws back, and Thijmen hits him with a stiff elbow across the face. Kelly O’Connell gives Dirk a look for not giving her a clean break but he just shrugs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen starts laying heavy forearms across Watts’ back. Battering away at him before he forces him into the corner.
The Golden 1 Center boos, as Dirk van Thijmen chokes Kalmin Watts with a boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk breaks at the four count, before he goes back in!
Phillip Blauer: Showing us some of that famous Belgian temper.
The fans are furious as Mickie Watts argues with Kelly O’Connell about the count, distracting her as Dirk van Thijmen does more damage with his boot choke. Finally Dirk draws back to fire Watts at the far corner, but Watts reverses it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen comes out of the corner only to be caught by Watts with a release belly to belly suplex that sends him flying across the ring!
The crowd cheers loudly, and AJ nods with approval as Watts makes the cover
…ONE!
…Dirk van Thijmen gets his foot on the ropes
The fans cheer, and Watts nods as he hauls Thijmen to his feet before he delivers a chop to his chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts whacks Dirk with another chop, and another, backing him into the corner. He looks around, and then scoops him up before he runs across the ring to deliver a running powerslam!
The fans cheer, and Watts goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Anthony Jordan slaps the ring, yelling at Kelly O’Connell who holds up a two! Watts starts to pull Thijmen back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a suplex, but Dirk blocks it. Kalmin tries again, and Thijmen once more gets his leg between Watts to block!
The fans boo, and then Watts tries again! But Thijmen breaks way, and kicks Watts in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen counters with a quick gut wrench suplex of his own!
A pop from the fans. Watts starts to rise, but Thijmen leaps on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen digging his fingers into his shoulder as he applies a shoulder claw. The Glorious Wolf targeting nerves in Kalmin Watts’ shoulder and arm for this painful submission.
Kalmin Watts grits his teeth as he tries to get free before reaching for the ropes. On the outside, Anthony Jordan starts clapping, trying to get the crowd to join in. Thijmen twists away, tightening the hold as he pressed down. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Kalmin Watts shakes his head at her. The audience starts clapping louder and louder, as Watts feeds off their energy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts starts to slowly rise as the fans stomp their feet!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen Thijmen shakes his head, clearly stunned. Mickie Fury tries to shush the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts breaks free! He turns, and swings at Thijmen who ducks under him before locking an arm around his waist to throw him backwards! Watts rolls through, and goes for the clothesline! Empty air! Thijmen gets behind, and hits the swinging neckbreaker!
The fans cheer, and Watts is down holding his neck as Thijmen goes for the quick cover! But he doesn’t hook the legs
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Dirk van Thijmen grabs for him to lock on a front facelock! Mickie Fury applauds, and Thijmen mocks Anthony Jordan as he tightens the hold
Phillip Blauer: Some good old fashioned mockery.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts tries to reach for the ropes, but is hauled back as the hold is tightened.He rolls Watts over, going for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up
Van Thijmen curses, and tightens the front facelock again. He wrenches on Watts’ head, twisting and pulling
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts strains to get the rope before he is rolled over again as Dirk van Thijmen demands Kelly O’Connell count!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up
Thijmen curses some more, and glares at Kelly O’Connell as he flexes his arms to keep the front facelock on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts finally moves to get a boot on the ropes. Kelly O’Connell demands a break, but Dirk van Thijmen holds until four.
Phillip Blauer: That is his right. The man broke his ribs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen starts stomping and kicking at Watts' back, driving his boots into his spine before Kelly O’Connell forces him back.
Anthony Jordan complains to Kelly O’Connell while Watts drags himself up the ropes with a shake of his head. He is holding at his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen runs at him before Watts ducks low to flung him across the top rope! The Glorious Wolf landed on the edge of the apron, and Watts delivers a hard clothesline that sends Thijmen to the floor!
Dirk van Thijmen lands on his feet, hitting the apron as he glares around angrily. He yells at Anthony Jordan, then begins arguing with Kelly O’Connell before he steps towards the Role Model with his fist pulled back. Jordan glares at him, not moving
Phillip Blauer: Finally, someone’s gonna shut Tony Bologna’s big yap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Kalmin Watts is on the outside, and grabs him to run at the ringpost, but Thijmen reverses, and drives his shoulder into the steel!
The fans groan, and Watts staggers before Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen smacks him with another hard chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen delivers a few more chops before he flings Watts inside the ring. Dirk drops for the cover but he’s got his feet on the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kelly O’Connell stops and shoves Wolf’s feet from the ropes!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, Kelly caught him.
Kelly O’Connell warns Dirk that the next time he tries that she’ll disqualify him. Mickie Fury gets involved in the argument while Dirk van Thijmen points and glares as he looms over her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Dirk van Thijmen from behind and rolls him up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A frustrated van Thijmen rolls to his feet before Watts flips him end over end with a rising clothesline!
The Golden 1 Center explodes! Anthony Jordan pounds the mat in celebration and Kalmin Watts irish whips Dirk into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches him and nails a stiff spinebuster!
The impact bounces Dirk up into a sitting position. The audience cheers, and van Thijmen rolls around in pain holding his ribs. Watts stalks around and drops the straps, causing the crowd to get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts crouches in the corner, and motions for the Glorious Wolf to rise!
Van Thijem staggers upwards, and Watts goes for the TACKLE! But Thijmen moves aside, and Watts slams into the post and turnbuckles! He staggers, holding at his shoulder as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen avoided that tackle and Kalmin Watts hit the corner post with his shoulder! Dirk grabs him, and delivers his bearhug suplex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR-Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts kicked out of the bearhug suplex!
The crowd roars! Watts is on his feet but van Thijmen grabs him suddenly. Dirk lifts him, and goes for an inverted atomic drop but Kalmin blocks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts shoves him backwards into the ropes. Thijmen comes off, and is caught with the Oklahoma Hammer right in those injured ribs!!
Watts winces, favoring his shoulder before he jumps up and performs a leg scissors around the van Thijmen’s torso. The fans leap to their feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! Dirk van Thijmen tries to fight it, but he eventually falls to the mat!
The Sacramento crowd are cheering for Kalmin Watts while van Thijmen is shaking his head as Kelly O’Connell asks him if he wants to give up. Mickie Fury pleads with Dirk to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury doesn’t want to see her husband injure himself any further, urging him to give up. Meanwhile, Dirk van Thijmen strains for the ropes. His fingers falling just short as Kalmin Watts pushes backwards!
Kelly O’Connell continues asking Dirk if he wants to end it. Mickie Fury continues to call Dirk’s name. Van Thijman lunges again for the ropes but Watts tightens the body scissors with his tree like legs. A towel lands next to O’Connell
Phillip Blauer: You see, Galilea? Not everyone loves this Kalmin Watts. Someone threw a towel at him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I believe Mickie Fury is throwing in the towel for her husband who simply should not continue.
Kelly O’Connell sees the towel and picks it up. She looks at Mickie Fury and asks her if she’s sure. She hesitantly nods and O’Connell signals for the bell. The Sacramento crowd erupts and Kalmin Watts immediately releases The Sooner Squeeze as “Twenties” by Ghost plays
Phillip Blauer: Hey! He gets TWO theme songs? Hardkore Audio Kenny Valentine Jr. can barely remember one song!
Guillermo O’Bannon: They think Kenny is ready.
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes 3 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Golden 1 Center is cheering wildly, as Kelly O’Connell and Anthony Jordan raise Kalmin Watts’ arms. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and Mickie Fury check on Dirk van Thijman in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury acting in the best interest of her husband there, and Kalmin Watts picks up a hard fought victory over the 17 year veteran Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijman which will hopefully put him in contention for a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba.
Kalmin Watts gets out of the ring and slaps hands with the fans as he walks back to the locker room. Mickie Fury helps Dirk van Thijman walk back to the locker room with David Valentine Jr. leading the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury probably saved Dirk from serious injury there, fans we have much more to come, stay tuned!
For the first time since 1994, Irish Rage moves to Dublin! Coming this summer,
Irish Rage in Dublin 2023
Guillermo O’Bannon[/font]: From having his historic world title run ended, to being turned on by The Anointed, and subsequently embraced by Kilroy Evans - Marty Donovan has been on an emotional rollercoaster over the past few months. Fans have a lot of questions for Disney's Own, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to introduce a new segment. Earlier in the week Marty had a not quite sit-down interview with Simon Cruise to address his current situation, fortunately cameras were on hand. Let's roll the footage now...[/b]
CATCHING THE WAVE
with
Simon Cruise
featuring
Marty Donovan
The image fades into the fabulous Typhoon Lagoon in Walt Disney World Resort. Currently shut to the general public, as the park focuses on Blizzard Beach, the controlled area is perfect for Simon Cruise who is rocking a lime green boogie board. Marty Donovan is trying his luck on a black beginner board, and clearly only agreed to the interview as a means of promoting Typhoon Lagoon.
Marty Donovan: Like this?
Simon Cruise: It's all in the hips!
A production assistant signals to Cruise, suggesting that cameras are rolling. The waters get rougher as the two men begin to surf.
Simon Cruise: WELCOME HARDKORE WORLD TO CATCHING THE WAVE! If I'm at Disney World, than my guest at this time can only be Marty Donovan-
Marty Donovan: Pleasure to be-
...Marty wipes out.
JUMP CUT.
Though drenched, Marty is once again on his board.
Simon Cruise: Cross Recoba was the first star to win the HKW world title that wasn't working for the company in the early 2000s. How long before you rescue the strap back for the old guard-
Marty Donovan: It is only-
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Marty is starting to look green from the amount of Typhoon Lagoon he has inhaled, but is once again on his board.
Simon Cruise: Of all The Anointed members that betrayed you, which do you take closes to heart?
Marty Donovan: Without a doubt, I never would have-
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Shivering, possibly in the early stages of pneumonia - Marty Donovan is once again reset to his position on the board.
Simon Cruise: Not to pry dude, but this question was requested more than any other- when are you going to make an honest woman out of Ollie?
...Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Marty Donovan: This feels a lot more like water boarding.
Simon Cruise: Heavy.
When the image returns, Marty is actually shredding.
Marty Donovan: I think I've finally got the hang of this- yes- yes- this is actually a lot of fun!
Simon Cruise: Tight.
Marty Donovan: Yeah, I got this - shoot!
Simon Cruise: Do you feel your obsession with the juvenile iconography of your sponsor is indicative of an arrested development brought on by growing up in a broken home?
...Looking like someone just punched him in the stomach, Marty wipes out again.
JUMP CUT.
Paramedics perform CPR on a drowned Marty. Things look grim.
Simon Cruise: ...
Marty Donovan: HHAAAAAAWWWWWW-
Eventually Marty gags up a few dozen litres of Typhoon Lagoon. As he gasps for air, alive, Simon turns back to the camera with a winning smile.
Simon Cruise: Tight! Thanks again to my guest, Marty Donovan! Until next time, I'm Simon Cruise, and we have been CATCHING THE WAVE!
Cruise goes back to his boogie boarding, while Marty looks like a drowned rat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up fans is a match between two of the young lions of Hardkore World. Always Very Blessed, Alexander Von Blankenship…
Phillip Blauer: Known by myself and a very select few as “AVB”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right. Taking on the new Hardkore World Television Champion Callum Cornwall in a non-title match.
Phillip Blauer: AVB is rehabilitating a brand that had lost it’s way. Like Amway.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall is on quite a roll tonight, and a win over AVB could shoot him into contention for yet another belt. Wesley Crane’s Hardkore West Coast Championship.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Sacramento fans pop. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Television title strapped around his waist
Phillip Blauer: Sweet sassy molassy! When did he get that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: On our TV taping in Tacoma?
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I bet my scarecrow enjoyed that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well…
Callum Cornwall gets into the ring and then stands on the second rope, holding his Hardkore World Television title over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall on an undefeated streak here tonight, he beat Moondog Dook in Seattle and then in Tacoma, he beat The Scorpion, Little Dragon, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen all in one night to become the first Hardkore World TV Champion in 15 years since 2008 and Cecil Kennedy.
Phillip Blauer: Is that the guy that only did arm moves or the one that killed the lady?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Um, I think he did a lot of arm moves?
Phillip Blauer: That’s the one.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall proud to win the same title his trainer “Rage” Dave Sadler won 15 years ago by defeating Psychotic Goth in a three levels of Hell match at the East Midlands Centre in Nottingham, England back in 2008 for Hardkore Britain.
Phillip Blauer: Who was I in Hardkore Britain?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They called you Mulligan. Callum Cornwall not the most popular guy in the locker room right now after refusing to believe Marty Donovan has seen the light, vowing to make the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion tap.
Phillip Blauer: Squid are the least trusting of the molluscs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight will be his biggest challenge, taking on Alexander Von Blankenship who was a finalist in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. He says AVB is overrated and a nepo baby, and he’s the one not impressed with Von Blankenship. He says after he makes quick work of AVB, he’s going to continue his undefeated streak to get a shot at Irish Rage in Dublin.
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds The Current HARDKORE WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere
The Golden 1 Center boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, shushing the booing crowd. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Look at it, Gustavo. That’s the face of that moves 3 million roast beef and cheddars a quarter. He’s like the young wolf who sees that the leader of the pack is getting too much caribou. He’s not letting the rest of us eat caribou, because this greedy, egomaniacal wolf just eats every inch of it. So what do you do with a wolf like that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bring up your issues with him privately and see how you can thrive together?
Phillip Blauer: Are you goofy, boy? He’s a wolf! They don’t have any understanding of resolving workplace issues.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl
Yolanda Ando: How do you know the leader of the pack is a man?
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake. He just is in this metaphor. Look you guys are ruining this. The correct answer is if you want more caribou, you kill him and eat the caribou that would have gone to him.
AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why is that your answer for everything?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, it’s just the way it’s been since I lost my little brother at a mall and then had the sweetest summer of my life until those idiot cops found him three states away.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try and touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship claims that Cullen Cornwall hasn’t been in the ring with anyone of note since he began wrestling. He is somehow upset that the fans aren’t more concerned about his emotional well being after he himself betrayed Marty Donovan, and now he’s going to unleash all the anger on Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: It’s a sound strategy. We’ll see if it works.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship also calling out Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba a few weeks ago, so he’s hoping that his showing here tonight puts him in line for a shot at him in the coming months.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Official Wrestler of Arby’s, who ask you to try the new Steakhouse Garlic Ribeye Sandwich, available at all participating locations; ‘Arby’s: We Have The Meats’; The Second Generation Jackpot, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos as Alexander Von Blankenship pretends to pray in the corner
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell but Alexander Von Blankenship immediately leaves the ring. The Sacramento fans boo him and chant “CULERO! CULERO! CULERO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on. The match hasn’t even started.
Phillip Blauer: The young man needs a breather. That was quite the entrance.
Callum Cornwall rolls his eyes as Tommy Milligan tries to convince Alexander Von Blankenship to get back in the ring. AVB says “I decide when the match starts, you gin bag!” and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: That was some harsh honesty that frankly Tommy needed to hear.
Some fans get to close to Von Blankenship and he smacks one of their hands away. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets between AVB and the fan who tries to jump the railing. AVB motions for him to do something, “Tough guy.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hate it here.
AVB points to his chin, while Larry Valentine Jr. has the fan pinned back. Von Blankenship reaches over and smacks the guy’s Sacramento Kings hat off his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB turns around and is taken down by a suicide dive from Callum Cornwall, “The Salford Squid”!!
The Golden 1 Center roars as Alexander Von Blankenship and Callum Cornwall lie on the floor
Phillip Blauer: That is definitely being stuck with the baked pears, as I understand it.
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwalkk picks Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall irish whips Alexander Von Blankenship shoulder first into the corner post!!
AVB clutches his shoulder as he stumbles on the floor. The Squid stays on the attack and squats down to let AVB stumble back onto the Squid’s shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall stands up, showing impressive power from the youngster, with AVB on his shoulders! The Squid lowers his head and throws AVB down!
AVB’s tries to shield his head from the apron, but that further hurts his shoulder. The crowd cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Television Champion rolls AVB into the ring, and drops his knee pad. Reminiscent of one of his heroes, Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: I cannot fathom why.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid drives his knee into AVB’s vulnerable shoulder with The Muscle Killer.
The Sacramento crowd cheers the familiar Muscle Killer. Cornwall hits a second one as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall applies an arm bar. He wrenches up on Alexander Von Blankenship’s trapped arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
AVB groans in pain as the fans gleefully encourage him to tap out. Von Blankenship reaches across with his right hand to attempt to lock his hands to take pressure off the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid eases off the hold to drive his left heel into Alexander Von Blankenship’s sternum. AVB’s hands unlock, then Cornwall reapplies the arm bar!
Alexander Von Blankenship tries to drag the lighter wrestler to the ropes, but is too far away. AVB again tries to lock his hands. However, when the Squid goes to drive his heel AVB uses release to roll onto his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship quickly rolls onto his knees when Callum Cornwall still has his left arm. AVB lifts the Squid off the mat and powerbombs him down!!
Cornwall releases the hold, but the awkward position causes further damage to AVB’s left shoulder. The fans boo Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men get up, but Alexander Von Blankenship drives his right elbow in the Callum’s face. AVB mounts the Squid and begins assaulting him with punches from his right fist!
Phillip Blauer: He’s tenderizing the Squid!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos until Tommy Milligan forces a break. AVB accepts the break and stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship pretends to break, but then goes right back to stomping on Cornwall!
Phillip Blauer: He changed his mind.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s obvious that von Blankenship is embarrassed about the opening moments of the match and wants revenge.
Phillip Blauer: Wouldn’t you? He was embarrassed in front of a Kings fan. A KINGS FAN!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure, but…anyway, AVB picks Callum Cornwall up and whips him into the corner. Von Blankenship hits him with a stiff chop!
Another hard chop can be heard through the entire Golden 1 Center and leaves a beet red hand print on The Squid’s lilly white chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship picks Cornwall up, turns, and falls back into the ropes hitting the stun gun!
The Salford Squid’s neck hits the top rope and then he falls back. The Sacramento fans jeer as AVB then applies an arm bar of his own while mocking the Squid.”My Dad was better than Sadler!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fortunately for the Squid, he’s close enough to the ropes to force a break. Tommy Milligan starts giving AVB the 5 count.
AVB stands up and bows for the crowd who treat him to loud boos. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall gets under the ropes and is trying to pull himself to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs Cornwall’s legs, cinches up, then falls back slingshotting the Squid’s neck into the bottom rope!
Callum Cornwall coughs and grabs his throat before rolling to the outside. AVB follows him out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship grabs a chair and slides it into the ring!
As Tommy Milligan chases it down and removes the chair from the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the Squid in the balls! The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Ha! He totally got you.
Alexander Von Blankenship picks up Callum Cornwall and forces him back into the ring. AVB slides in and makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB fakes like he’s going to punch Squid in the balls and gets a flinch.
Alexander Von Blankenship laughs, then slaps the Squid in the face! The Sacramento fans shower heat on him from all over
Phillip Blauer: Luckily wrestling has that Two For Flinching rule.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Callum Cornwall up and hits an atomic drop. AVB keeps the Squid up, turns him around, and hits a reverse atomic drop.
Von Blankenship smirks as Cornwall can only clutch at his scrotum and fall to the mat. AVB makes another cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB knows that making Callum Cornwall kick out only increases the pain.
Phillip Blauer: Some Dads teach you how to bait a hook, some teach how to kick a man in the balls.
Alexander Von Blankenship stands up and yells “Always Very Blessed!” to the crowd. They start chanting “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” in response. AVB pulls Cornwall up to his feet and irish whips into the corner. As Cornwall bounces out, AVB hits a superkick under his chin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship responds to that perceived disrespectful act by mounting Squid and punching him.
Phillip Blauer: The only way he’s gonna learn.
Tommy Milligan breaks them up again. AVB walks across the ring and drops to a knee. He motions to his right fist to show he is getting ready for Baptism! The crowd boos as the Salford Squid fights to get back to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall stands up and turns around. Von Blankenship rushes in looking to finish his opponent off with that Bapstim superman punch, but the Squid ducks! As AVB turns around, Cornwall catches his left arm, jumps up, tucks his knees in, and brings Von Blankenship’s left shoulder down across the Squid’s knees a la a backstabber.
The crowd lets out a loud pop as Alexander Von Blankenship clutches at his shoulder and rolls around on the mat. The Salford Squid tries to recover and get back into the match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall pulls AVB up by his left arm, then applies a wrist lock. The Squid going back to that arm as he jumps up and snaps Von Blankenship’s wrist down to put more strain on AVB’s bad shoulder.
Cornwall transitions into a hammer lock, and Alexander Von Blankenship groans in pain. AVB fights to free himself. The smaller Squid releases, and AVB’s momentum spins him around. Callum Cornwall catches him in a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall looks for The Confidence of Syberus, but Alexander Von Blankenship counters by wrapping his arms around Squid’s torso to block.
Callum Cornwall elbows AVB in the head to break Von Blankenshi’s grasp. He looks for the Confidence of Syberus again, but Alexander Von Blankenship keeps his right arm down to prevent the Squid from hooking it. He counters into a suplex position, cradles the leg, and swings into a lightning spiral
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Blessing!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Sacramento crowd boos as “Blessed Up” by Wande plays. Alexander Von Blankenship takes a moment to catch his breath, then does a sign of the cross over the beaten Callum Cornwall
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 34 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
Tommy Milligan tries to raise Von Blankenship’s bad shoulder, but he snatches it away angrily. AVB points to his good arm, and Milligan raises that one
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was definitely an angrier, edgier Alexander Von Blankenship than we are used to. Now that he is not tethered to Marty Donovan, he definitely seems a lot more dangerous. The Anointed have one win tonight over the undefeated Hardkore World Television Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, let’s see how his partner Steve Awesome does in his falls count anywhere match with Disney’s Marty Donovan.
The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore
Hardkore World takes you behind the scenes with our soon to be Emmy nominated show “The Hardkore Reality of Hardkore”
Fade up on Hardkore Audio Kenny Valentine Jr. sitting behind the audio board backstage in the gorilla position at the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington.
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Hi, I’m Kenny Valentine, and I do the ring music here at Hardkore World.
Before this, I did the homeroom announcements at my high school, and we would play 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” during the birthday announcements. This is pretty much the same thing.
My job is to play the correct wrestler’s ring music when I get my cue from my uncle Jonnie.
When someone is going to interfere in a match, I’m also supposed to play their music, but I…don’t deal well under pressure
Cut to earlier in the evening during the “Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall vs. Moondog Dook. Tuxedo Mask walks up to the gorilla position, irate.
Tuxedo Mask: (passes Kenny) Play my music, Scruffy!
Tuxedo Mask walks through the curtain to boos
Kenny Valentine Jr.: (panicked) Ok, what is his song again? It’s about kidneys, or is it by The Kidneys? Gotta play something…maybe no one will notice if I just stay real still.
Cut to later in the match when Tuxedo Mask hits a split legged moonsault on Moondog Dook. At the audio board, Kenny is still trying to not move so no one notices. Simon Cruise runs by gorilla on his way out to the ring to help
Simon Cruise: (passes Kenny) Coming through, dude!
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Oh…ok! Dude! Um, was it a Radiohead song? No. No, Radiohead doesn’t have a ukulele player. Or do they?
Kevin Valentine Jr. walks by drinking from a metal water flask
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Hey, Kev? Does Radiohead have a ukulele player?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Uh, I think so? That might have been the guy that left. Why?
Kenny notices the window has closed
Kenny Valentine Jr.:Oh…no reason.
Cut back to Kenny from later on that evening
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Sometimes. When one of these guys is a jerk to me. I really wanna play something other than their ring music. Then they would know. Kenny’s the one’s in charge.
Kenny nods confidently
Tuxedo Mask: KENNY!
Kenny jumps in shock
Tuxedo Mask: Where was my music, Scruffy?
Kenny Valentine Jr.: Sorry Mr. Mask.
Tux walks off
Tuxedo Mask: Unbelievable…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Next up is a match I think could steal the show, Tuxedo Mask wrestling Simon Cruise. In Seattle, Simon Cruise came down and stopped Tux from attacking Moondog Dook and the Hardkore World Television “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall when Dook showed up dressed as Ri Eun-Ae.
Phillip Blauer: I gotta say, I have completely changed my tune on Tuxedo Mask. I used to think he was an arrogant hot dog with no morals and hung around Kilroy. Then he stopped hanging around Kilroy. That being said, I was concerned when Tux savagely beat a man with a recent head injury, but when he did the same thing to that Squidward kid, I decided it was hunky dory.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has been on quite a run as well, with this being the most serious competition since he came to the West Coast.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dana “The Drone” Daniels in Oakland, Moondog Dook in Portland, Biker Daddy in Bend, Little Dragon at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, and Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen in Seattle. Simon Cruise has beat them all, but he says tonight he steps into the ring against a former Hardkore Light Heavyweight Champion and a 20+ year veteran, he respects Tux and his past.
Moondog Dook starts staggering down to the ring in the aisleway, dressed as Sailor Moon
Guillermo O’Bannon: And look who it is, Moondog Dook is here to join us.
Phillip Blauer: Historically, that’s never been a good thing. It’s the epitome of subtraction by addition.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, would you look at that?
Phillip Blauer: Pshaw, I could do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil, despite everyone preferring Yolanda last month, your doctor said no more head injuries because we have really overdone them recently.
Yolanda Ando: Aw, pooey. Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry, Yo Yo. Simon Cruise watched alot of anime to help understand what Moondog Dook is going through and what makes Tuxedo Mask tick.
Phillip Blauer: And now he can talk to Carl. 3.75
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. perks up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise standing up for Dook and Squid tonight, having Moondog Dook in his corner for the biggest matches he’s had here in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds; The Five Time IWA World Heavyweight Champion…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Sacramento crowd pops loudly as Simon Cruise flashes a hang loose sign at them
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer.
Phillip Blauer: You know what true friends do? If some dirty hobo dresses up like them, you do a moonsault on them. It’s what I did when someone showed up to a Halloween party dressed as James Woods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says he is on his own now. No more Cupcake Crew or Society of the New Breed. He’s only out for himself, which he proved by turning on his friend Kilroy Evans.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance
Phillip Blauer: He’s back to flipping. Oh how I missed those.
Tux sees Moondog Dook dressed as Ri Eun-Ae and avoids him the best he can
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask appears to be unnerved by Moondog Dook’s presence.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a good instinct.
Moondog Dook stares at Tuxedo Mask from afar. Tux shudders a bit, then slides into the ring under the bottom rope. He climbs to the second turnbuckle for one last bit of hate. He drops down and does a split and flashes the peace sign
Phillip Blauer: That is touching. After all these people have done to him, all he wants is World peace.
The Sacramento crowd starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” and Tuxedo Mask flips the fans off, who begin booing him in return
Phillip Blauer: This town is really the worst.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s probably why he hasn’t been back here in nearly 18 years since November of 2005, Tuxedo Mask teamed with Hardkore World Champion Rated X to defeat “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and The Microshocker.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t even want to know what happened to The Microshocker.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tuxedo Mask says he’s going to show Simon Cruise what it’s like to be Hardkore here tonight.
Yolanda Ando: Deeply in debt?
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is the Official Wrestler of Dave Meltzer; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser, He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The Golden 1 Center boos as Tux tries to pretend it doesn’t bother him
Tuxedo Mask vs. Simon Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask and Simon Cruise struggling to get an advantage, but Simon goes over with a side headlock. He clamps down on Tux’s head, locking his hands together tight.
Tux reaches up and pulls Cruise by the hair backwards into a headlock of his own. He chuckles at the booing fans
Phillip Blauer: You see? The old Tux wouldn’t think to do that. He seems to be getting smarter every day, like the Lawnmower Man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backs him into the ropes while Tux hangs onto the side headlock.
Simon Cruise pushes Tuxedo Mask off into the ropes. When he comes back, Cruise arm drags him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise arm drags him a second time! He grabs his arm and twists it, but Tuxedo Mask reverses it and twists Cruise’s arm.
Simon Cruise grunts when Tuxedo Mask twists it a second time and whips his hair back. Tux says “How do you like that, brah?” The audience starts chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask looks back and forth at them, telling them to shut up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs up the turnbuckles and then starts tightrope walking on the top rope!
Phillip Blauer: That surely doesn’t suck!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux tumbles over Simon Cruise’s back with a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise rolls to his feet, and ducks under a Tux punch, then goes behind with a waistlock. Tuxedo Mask tries to elbow his way out of it, but the 15 year veteran knows to duck.
Tuxedo Mask tries to unclasp Simon’s locked hands, but to no avail. Cruise then runs him into the ropes and rolls back into a backroll press
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Both men roll to their feet, and the fans applaud their quick exchanges as they eye one another with caution. Tuxedo Mask motions for a time out to Richie Richardson. Richardson nods and signals for the wrestlers to break
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this?
Phillip Blauer: The man clearly needs a time out. Are you new?
Simon Cruise complains to Richie, while Tuxedo Mask changes out his gloves, all the while staring at a drooling Moondog Dook at ringside
Phillip Blauer: One can’t be too careful these days, Gregory.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on. Richie Richardson makes the signal that the match can now continue.
Phillip Blauer: Game on!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask makes a move, but Simon Cruise catches him with a Mexican armdrag into an armbar.
The fans cheer as Cruise locks down Tux’s arm, trying to rip it out of it’s socket. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Tuxedo Mask shakes his head, complaining about a hair pull from Simon. Cruise denies it when Richie asks. The crowd starts chanting “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise sticks his knee into the ball of Tux’s shoulder, clamping down on his forearm and elbow.
Tuxedo Mask finally realizes he has to get out of this, and rolls to his feet with Cruise hanging onto his armbarred arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask scoops him up into a bodyslam, but on his way down Cruise inside cradles Tux!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux kicks Simon Cruise and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots. He pulls him up into a headlock and then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop bulldog!
The audience jeers as Tuxedo Mask motions for Cruise to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask cracks Cruise in the back of the head with a roundhouse enzuigiri!
Phillip Blauer: He’s just toying with him now.
Tuxedo Mask flaunts around the ring, looking bored with how long it’s taking Simon Cruise to stand back up. Tuxedo Mask yells “Get up, brah!” then he tells Richie, “Watch this.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask punches Cruise right in the face!
Simon Cruise just looks at him and the crowd pops! Tuxedo Mask starts backpedaling, trying to explain his thought process. “Brah, brah, brah…”
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, surf boy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise begins pummeling Tuxedo Mask in the face!
The Golden 1 Center roars as Tuxedo Mask is backed up by all the punches into the ropes. Cruise irish whips him into the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise takes out Tuxedo Mask with a spinning heel kick! He bounces off the ropes and comes down across Tux’s face with a leg drop.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs a sleeper hold. He thrashes Tuxedo Mask from side to side as they sit on the mat.
Tux reaches his hand out and signals for the fans to root him on, but they just chant “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson tests Tuxedo Mask’s arm, but he keeps it up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask works his way to his feet, and backpedals Cruise into the turnbuckles to break out of the sleeper. He climbs to the second turnbuckle and drills Simon’s skull into the canvas with a tornado DDT!
The Sacramento audience boos as Tuxedo Mask tries to wake himself up as Cruise lies on the mat. Tux puts Cruise’s throat on the second rope, and then points to a woman in the fourth row of the crowd and motions for her to call him. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of her
Phillip Blauer: That’s Sacramento’s own, Brie Larson!
Guillermo O’Bannon: She should really get out of here if she doesn’t want to smell like beer and regret soon. Tux runs and hits a 619 kick!!
Simon Cruise staggers backwards as Tuxedo Mask springboards off into a dragonrana!! The crowd heckles Tuxedo Mask as he does a little bow for them, and then hangs on the ropes to talk to Brie Larson in the fourth row
Phillip Blauer: She’s got herself quite a catch if she can bag him.
Yolanda Ando: Aw, that’s sweet.
The Sacramento audience chants “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!” Brie Larson taps her ear at Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brie Larson can’t seem to hear him over this crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Well, if you would stop sucking for one second, maybe she could.
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, come on, Guilermo, she can’t hear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m trying, I- Tuxedo Mask turns around and Simon Cruise does a double leg takedown and starts pounding on Tux!
The fans erupt with cheers as Simon Cruise grounds and pounds Tuxedo Mask. He pulls him up and shoots him into the ropes, catching him with a dropkick with authority
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bitchin Dropkick! Simon Cruise irish whips Tux into the corner and hits him with a hip attack!
Tuxedo Mask stumbles out of the corner and Simon Cruise catches him with a standing side kick. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Tux to get up and then just comes down with a tomahawk chop to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tomahawk Cruise Missile!
Tux holds his balls and stomps his heels in the mat in pain. Brie Larson gets her purse and leaves. Tuxedo Mask reaches out, saying “Wait! Stop!”
Phillip Blauer: Most unfortunate.
Yolanda Ando: I get it. Without that, there’s not much more to him.
Tuxedo Mask stands up, staggering towards her, and Simon Cruise pulls out one of Tux’s legs, forcing him to do a split
Guillermo O’Bannon: A-Framed! Unfortunately, Tuxedo Mask is very limber, and he hits Simon Cruise in the balls!
Phillip Blauer: That’s a receipt if I’ve ever seen one.
Both men lie on the mat, holding their aching testicals. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson shrugs and starts doing a double count
One!
Two!
The Sacramento fans chant “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*
Three!
Four!
Simon Cruise rolls to his side while Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up by the ropes
Five!
Six!
Seven!
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask the first to his feet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He approaches a rising Simon Cruise who takes out Tux’s feet with a leg sweep.
Simon Cruise pulls Tuxedo Mask up and irish whips him, but Tux dives through referee Richie Richardson’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops on to the middle of the second rope and backflips into a moonsault body press that takes out both Simon Cruise and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson!!
The audience boos and Richie Richardson rolls around, holding the back of his head
Phillip Blauer: Once again, Richie’s total lack of ring generalship has impeded another match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He tries.
Richie Richardson rolls out of the ring to the floor, motionless. Tuxedo Mask yells “Get up!” at Simon Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear that cuts Simon Cruise in half!!
The Golden 1 Center chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Cruise holds his stomach, groaning
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the second rope, then hits his legs on the top rope for a split legged moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux pulls him up into a DDT, but Simon Cruise plants his feet and flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ducks a roundhouse kick and grabs Cruise from behind, lifting him up into an atomic drop that drops Simon’s groin on the top rope!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos! The audience chants “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*” Tuxedo Mask shushes them
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, pipe down.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and then hits Simon Cruise with a kangaroo kick that knocks him to the floor!!
The Sacramento fans jeer Tuxedo Mask as he flips a peace sign. He hits the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
The crowd boos Tux as he lies on The Golden 1 Center floor, trying to recover. Simon Cruise holds the back of his head, near an unconscious Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson by the apron. Moondog Dook helps Tuxedo Mask to his feet. Tux, unbeknownst that it’s Dook, accepts the help and even pats the Moondog’s back in gratitude.
Phillip Blauer: Tux is going to have to boil that hand.
Tuxedo Mask and Moondog Dook stand with their arms around one another’s shoulder, nodding at the jeering crowd. Tux finally looks over at a doe eyed Moondog and yelps in terror
Phillip Blauer: Imagine that mug staring back at you? It’s the last thing a Wendy’s Baconator sees.
Tuxedo Mask gets as far away from Moondog Dook as he can, while trying to rub whatever Dook’s got off of him. He walks over to Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table, then begins furiously pumping the hand sanitizer into his hand. Tux rubs the sanitizer into his clothes, body, and face
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s rude.
In the crowd, Brie Larson returns to her seat in the fourth row. Tuxedo Mask unscrews the cap on the bottle of sanitizer and pours it all over his body
Phillip Blauer: But probably medically necessary. It appears Brie Larson has come to her senses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank God. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask climbs to the second turnbuckle from the apron, and suddenly notices Brie Larson.
Phillip Blauer: Who wouldn’t? She’s very striking.
Tuxedo Mask: “Hey, about that thing before? Downstairs? Totally fine now…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise jumps up to the apron and grabs Tux’s arm with an arm drag off the second rope into the crowd!!
The Sacramento fans catches Tuxedo Mask and crowd surf him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The audience holding Tuxedo Mask up, crowd surfing him around the Golden 1 Center!!
Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle on the other side of the ring. He times it out as the fans hand Tuxedo Mask around the ringside area. Cruise jumps down and double stomps Tux in the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Extreme Body Surfing!!
The audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” as they both lie in the third row of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He can’t spend his life treating people like surfboards. We’re human beings.
Simon Cruise climbs over the overturned chairs and concession items. He pulls himself up and steps over the railing. Cruise climbs up to the apron and stands up, waiting for Tuxedo Mask to stand up out in the audience.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Simon Cruise measures him and then strikes Tuxedo Mask between the eyes with a flying knee off the apron out into the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
The chants of “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” get louder and louder as Simon Cruise and Tux are drenched with sweat, lying motionless out in the 5th row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise getting to his feet and pulls Tux up by the hair. He scoops him up, but the hand sanitizer looks to have made Tuxedo Mask very slippery! He floats over behind Simon and lands in an inverted facelock. Tux lifts him up into a reverse suplex, then drops Cruise’s stomach on the guardrail!!
Cruise yelps as all the air leaves his body, and he’s left perched on the railing. The Sacramento audience boos Tuxedo Mask who steps over the railing into the ringside area. Tux grabs a steel chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with an asai moonsault with that chair on Simon Cruise while he’s perched over the steel railing!!
The audience chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask backs up to the other side of the ringside area and points to Phil Blauer
Phillip Blauer: You got it, kemosabe. Use me. USE ME!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: For God’s sake, don’t say it like that.
Tuxedo Mask runs and jumps off the table, then Phil Blauer’s back to triple jump into a plancha that smacks Simon Cruise against the railing, getting an “OH!!” out of the crowd. Tuxedo Mask rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes and baseball slides under the bottom rope into a helicopter huracanrana that catches Simon Cruise and drives his head into the concrete!!
The fans boo and both men try to catch their breath on the Golden 1 Center floor. Richie Richardson still hasn’t moved. The audience chants “LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap* LET’S GO SIMON, LET’S GO! *clap clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux rolls back into the ring. He waits for Simon to get to his feet, then slingshots himself over the ropes, catching Cruise with a DDT on on the concrete!!
Tuxedo Mask stands up and whips his hair out of his eyes and then does a courtesy that gets angry heat from the Sacramento fans. Moondog Dook comes over and rips Tuxedo Mask’s shirt off
Phillip Blauer: Son of a biscuit, can we just get security to euthanize this guy? Larry??
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. shrugs. The fans cheer as Tuxedo Mask begs off as Moondog Dook stares at him. He rolls into the ring to get away from him and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask flips off the top with a corkscrew moonsault, but Simon Cruise avoids it and Tux hits the guardrail!!
The audience lets out another “OH!” at the sound of Tux hitting the railing. Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise runs into the ropes and baseball slides into a dropkick that propels Tux back into the security rail!!
Simon Cruise runs into the ropes and then flips over the top rope into a tope con hilo onto Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tailspin!!
The audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” as Tuxedo Mask, Simon Cruise, and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson lie on the Golden 1 Center floor. Hardkore Referee Kelly O’Connell runs down to the ring to replace Richie. Simon Cruise uses the fans’ chants to will himself up to his feet and slides back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and WIPEOUT '18 springboard sentons him on the floor!!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Simon Cruise rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring. He steps back up onto the apron. Cruise waits for Tux to get back to his feet. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off, catching Tux with an ace crusher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruisin' USA!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a Wave Breaker senton bomb but Tuxedo Mask puts his knees up!!
The air goes out of the Golden 1 Center as Simon Cruise arches his back in pain. Moondog Dook rolls into the ring holding a 2x4 wooden board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook handing Tuxedo Mask that 2x4! Simon Cruise is defending Dook after what Tux did to him in Seattle.
The Sacramento fans boo loudly. Tuxedo Mask thanks Moondog Dook for the wooden board, and Dook nods his head
Phillip Blauer: I take it all back. Who can define what love is these days?
Tuxedo Mask takes a couple steps towards Simon Cruise, but then twirls around and cracks Moondog Dook between the eyes with the wooden board!! The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask immediately betrays him!
Phillip Blauer: You were expecting a partnership??
Tuxedo Mask walks over and pulls Simon Cruise to a crotch tie with Cruise’s arm though his own legs, and then pumphandles him up into a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosegarden Piledriver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask climbs to the second turnbuckle, but Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles. Tux cracks Cruise in the ribs with a side knee, and then double underhooks his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise blocks the Moonlight Waltz, and then backdrops Tuxedo Mask to the mat off the top rope!
Simon Cruise climbs back up onto the top turnbuckle as the crowd cheers wildly. Cruise jumps off with a missile dropkick to Tuxedo Mask’s groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Missile!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“Riptide” by Vance Joy plays and the fans cheer. Simon Cruise jumps up to the second turnbuckle, soaking in the love from the crowd
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 42 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, what a match, these two nearly went to a time limit draw, I would love to see a rematch! Cruise with a huge win here tonight, really putting himself in line for a title shot!
Kelly O’Connell raises Simon Cruise’s arm. On the outside. Moondog Dook stands up and sees himself in the Sailor Moon outfit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook looks surprised to see himself in this Sailor Moon garb.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t believe Moondog is surprised to see himself in anything these days.
Moondog Dook tears it all off, stomping and kicking the costume. Moodog Dook grabs his steel chain and wraps it around his fist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog now apparently disavows the Sailor Moon costume.
Moondog Dook rolls into the ring with that chain, and Simon Cruise picks up that 2x4 board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is ready for Dook and clocks him on the top of the head with that wooden board!!
The Sacramento fans cheer wildly as Moondog Dook rolls out of the ring, clutching the top of his head
Phillip Blauer: The rolled up newspaper he needs in his life.
Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the ring and starts walking to the back. Moondog Dook wakes up and sees his Sailor Moon hat. Dook blinks and puts the Sailor Moon hat back on.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess Moondog Dook has changed his mind? Moondog Dook starts following Tuxedo Mask up the ramp.
Phillip Blauer: We’re back to square one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask turns around and grabs Dook into a saito suplex, dropping the back of his head into the guardrail in the aisleway!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Dook’s head hitting the railing. Tuxedo Mask leaves Moondog Dook laying and walks back to the locker room
Phillip Blauer: We should be asking ourselves why this is Tuxedo Mask’s problem?
Moondog Dook wakes up and staggers to his feet, and in doing so, knocks his Sailor Moon hat into his hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook becomes incensed at the sight of the hat and begins biting it, then throws it into the audience!!
Phillip Blauer: He’s back, but that’s probably not a good thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wins this dream match with Tuxedo Mask, but coming up is the falls count anywhere match between Disney’s Marty Donovan and Steve Awesome!
We fade into the merchandise area where Kevin Valentine Jr is Hocking all of the Hardkore World action figures. As he looks over his collection, straightening out the figures a shadow is cast over him, and then a drop of what looks like Horseradish hits the table. Kevin looks up and standing before him, with a large Arby's Giant Roast Beef Sandwich in his hand is AVB.
With a mouth full of food AVB barks at Kevin.
Where are the Anointed Action figures, Kevin?!
Kevin points towards a set of AVB, Marty Donovan, Weasley Crain, Dan Stein, and Steve Awesome all neatly set up. AVB smirks, and smiles, food still in his mouth. He gently reaches over and carefully moves the action figures of himself and Awesome out of the way. He then plops half of his sandwich onto the table, and right on top of the Marty Donovan figure. He wipes his mouth, clearing it of all sauces, before gently reaching down and picking up the High roller and the Punisher. Holding them up, one in each hand, and making them talk to each other mockingly.
Dang Wes, what are we ever going to do? AVB is by far a better leader, more handsome, better smelling, and way more talented then Marty, and he wants our descion on remaining with the Anointed. I'm scared Wes, I miss Marty, but Awesome and His Grace are the future.
I know Dan. I know. AVB is so cool, and Steve Awesome is just a mega star. I mean, will they overshadow us if we join them? They are the coolest, most talented guys on this roster. Maybe we should just focus on the Tag Belts, and just be kind of friends with them.
AVB suddenly puts both The Punisher and The High roller into one hand, and picks up himself and Awesome in the other.
Times up boys! Your answer will be given to us by the end of this tag match tonight. Or we will make your descion for you. Time to take off your Mickey Mouse panties, ladies, and run with the big boys.
AVB then tosses all of the figures back down onto the table, before picking up his sandwich, that now has action figure Marty stuck to it, covered in horseradish.
AVB goes to take a bite but stops, he then picks Marty off of the sandwich and hands it back to Kevin, as he walks off enjoying his Arby's.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Seattle, Washington, The Anointed betrayed their founding member, Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: This is insane. How delusional can you be? Do you seriously think Dave Thomas is still in charge at Wendy’s?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m pretty sure when they decided to change management, they didn’t superkick him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: Dear, sweet, naive, stupid, Geraldine. Of course he was. Have you seen Succession?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Still, Marty Donovan is looking to get revenge on the man he thought of as a partner who stabbed him in the back, while Steve Awesome looks to improve The Anointed by proving himself the superior member by defeating their founder in a falls count anywhere match.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Golden 1 Center explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome, who considers himself the new leader of The Anointed, clearly enjoyed crushing Marty Donovan’s spirit. He even watched it on playback to relive the moment with Alexander Von Blankenship.
Phillip Blauer: It was like the new Zapruder film. Marty gets superkicked by AVB and his head goes back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left…
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome is wearing a black leather jacket with green frills hanging off in various places, along with his classic aviator sunglasses. He wears neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside the heart. He has on black kneepads with the logo on each knee, with black and green boots. He also has black with green trim wristbands.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. This was just recognizing when a founder just wasn’t delivering any longer. Look at Captain Crunch. The first time it was Oops All Berries, it was like OK. It happens. But now look at it. Every few months, he accidentally puts all crunchberries in there. This guy sucks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That salty old cuss saved us from the Soggies and I will not stand by as you slander a man in uniform…
Phillip Blauer: Fine, look at Domino’s Pizza a few years ago. They recognized that their pizza was circular garbage. They owned up to it, and made the changes needed to rebuild their brand until it is what it is today. A trash pizza that pretended to feel bad about that a couple years ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome says that he committed that treachery against Marty because it had to be done for the good of The Anointed. He says he never really cared for Marty Donovan to begin with.
Phillip Blauer: That’s totally understandable. So often I would ask myself, “Why am I hanging out with this gaping vacuum of a person?” Then the check would come.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Falls Count Anywhere Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds;He is The Prettiest Player in the Game…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The Sacramento fans jeer Awesome while he drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms
The Theme from Indiana Jones begins playing and the fans cheer. Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Indiana Jones
Phillip Blauer: For the love of all that is decent and holy. What is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan promoting that Indiana Jones: The Dial of Destiny will be streaming on Disney +, June 30th.
Phillip Blauer: Leave it to Marty to play that man who stole priceless artifacts from the government that was more suited to look after them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sorry, are you referring to the Nazis?
Phillip Blauer: Look, I’m not going to get political on here, but Indiana Jones was clearly in the wrong…
A giant fake boulder starts rolling out of the curtain, and Marty sees it and begins running down the ramp as the boulder chases him
Phillip Blauer: You know, this is definitely one job I am entrusting to Rocky Valentine Jr. with.
Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. desperately try to keep the rock from falling on the audience as it travels down the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I’m sure…actually, you’re probably right.
Rocky Valentine Jr. yells “Heads up!” as the boulder falls off the aisle and starts to roll towards Guillermo and Phil. Donnie Valentine Jr., Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. are able to stop it before it kills the announcers
Phillip Blauer: Heck of a job, Larry!
With labored breathing, Larry Valentine Jr. gives Phil a thumbs up. At ringside, Marty Donovan cracks his whip
Phillip Blauer: (nudges Guillermo in the ribs) Hey, Gatsby. Doesn’t that sound make you get up and do the dishes?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have shared responsibilities in our home where…
Marty Donovan whips his bullwhip backwards and it hits Phil’s fondue kit, splashing cheese on both of them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!!
Phillip Blauer: Mother of God! Oh would ya look at that? This was a brand new fondue kit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (drying his papers) Why would you buy a new one??
Phillip Blauer: (screaming) Because this one is designed for both sweet and savory fondues!!!
The audio goes out from the fondue cheese getting in the cables and outlets. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a few random shots of Marty Donovan posing as Indiana Jones. Then he cuts to a graphic that says: “We’re Experiencing Technical Difficulties” with an animated Hardkore Jonnie Valentine chasing a mouse with a cable in its teeth. Finally it cuts back to Marty Donovan entering the ring and threatening Steve Awesome with the bullwhip while Kelly O’Connell cautions Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: (distorted) Are we back on? Hello? Ok, we’re back.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t mess with another man’s fondue kit. It’s just against the rules, man. Man code.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Effete Man Code.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan is wearing brown Disney + bikini briefs with Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. He has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty Donovan tried ingratiating himself to the locker room in Tacoma, but it proved to be a tough slog with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall being one of the loudest voices of people who don’t think Marty’s newfound friendliness is genuine.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta get up pretty early to put one over on the old Squidman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Marty claims he poisoned The Anointed by allowing Steve Awesome to join.
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock, The Ashton Kutcher years on Two and A Half Men is when that show hit its stride!
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Marty is here tonight to prove that he is the original Marty Donovan, the beloved star the fans used to love by destroying the man that took The Anointed away from him tonight.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; He hails from The Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 218 pounds…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty gets a huge reaction that surprises him. He mildly waves back, but the pop surely gave him some unexpected courage. He likes the applause and turns around to really pump up the crowd
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Disney's Marty Donovan vs. "The Hardkore Face of the Franchise" Steve Awesome
Steve Awesome catches Marty from behind with a stinger splash in the corner and Kelly O’Connell rings the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: A pearl harbor job by Steve Awesome in the corner as he bashes Donovan in the back of the head with forearms. He irish whips him into the other corner, and then runs in with a knee to his stomach.
Steve Awesome runs up the turnbuckles into a step up enzuigiri in the corner. The audience boos and Awesome shoots Marty into the other corner so hard, he falls
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs in with a bronco buster!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, hit em with those balls, Steve!
The Golden 1 Center boos as Steve Awesome gives them a crotch chop. He returns to Marty in the corner and pulls him up, irish whipping him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome with a flying forearm that catches Marty right between the eyes!
Steve Awesome irish whips Marty into the corner once again, and then climbs up to the second rope, straddling Marty in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome raining punches down on Marty in the corner.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s the second rate Marty Donovan now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Marty Donovan grabs him around the legs, walks him out of the corner and inverted atomic drops him.
The Sacramento crowd comes to life! Marty Donovan hits the ropes and then takes out Steve Awesome with a rolling wheel kick that knocks Steve Awesome through the ropes to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan hits the ropes, hops onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards off, catching Steve Awesome with a tornado DDT!!
The audience cheers as Steve Awesome’s head bounces up from the impact of hitting the concrete. The fans chant “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Phillip Blauer: The coward’s afraid to wrestle Steve Awesome in the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s falls count anywhere.
Phillip Blauer: The ring can also be anywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan lifts Steve Awesome up and atomic drops him on the railing!
Steve Awesome’s eyes cross as he is precariously perched on the security rail. Marty Donovan rolls back into the ring, and then runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan springboard missile dropkicks Steve Awesome who was crotched on that guardrail!!
The Sacramento audience erupts as Awesome is propelled into the audience, and Marty lands awkwardly on the ringside area. They start chanting “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Phillip Blauer: Much like the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, you can’t tell who got the worst of that.
*RIMSHOT*
The shot cuts to Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. at a drum set just off to Phil Blauer’s seat
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Andrew.
Andy nods and starts disassembling the drum kit. Marty Donovan pulls the railing towards the apron, and then climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a Reedy Creek Racing asai moonsault but Steve Awesome moves!!
Marty Donovan whacks the back of a standing chair with his chest as he falls out in the audience. The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” Marty holds his ribs in pain, gasping for air
Phillip Blauer: That seat was worth the price of admission if it broke his ribs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up by the hair and throws him over the railing, back into the ringside area!
Steve Awesome steps over the railing, and then lifts Marty up in an atomic drop of his own, but drops his legs on the guardrail, then lifts him back up into a backdrop into Andy Valentine Jr.’s drum set!! The sound resounds through the Golden 1 Center
Phillip Blauer: Andrew!! I told you to move that thing after I said something mirthful!
Andy Valentine Jr. shrugs, Marty Donovan gets up and charges Awesome, but Steve belly to belly suplexes him over the railing into the audience. Steve Awesome says “Front row seat, Marty!” then laughs obnoxiously
Phillip Blauer: Something like that could run you $11 here in Sacramento.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now steps over the railing into the crowd, and sets up a chair. He front facelocks Marty and rolls him around into a swinging neckbreaker on the back of that chair!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out another “OH!” as Marty holds the back of his head, sitting up. Steve Awesome pulls him to his feet and scoops him up, but Marty floats over behind him into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan lifts him up into an inverted suplex and drops him on a standing chair!!
The audience roars as Steve Awesome arches his back in agony. Marty Donovan gets a look on his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Basement dropkick to the back of Awesome’s head! Marty makes the cover out in the 5th row!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Marty Donovan irish whips Awesome into the railing so hard he falls when he hits it. He pulls Steve up and begins punching him up against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lefts and rights by Marty Donovan and then he goes for a kick, but Steve Awesome catches his leg.
Phillip Blauer: Ha! It’s all over now!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri!
Steve Awesome goes down like a redwood. Marty climbs over the railing, out onto the stage on the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan gets a running start and flips into a somersault senton off the ramp onto Steve Awesome out in the crowd!!
The chants of “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” ring through the Golden 1 Center. A child comes up and pats Marty on the back. He turns around with a snarl, and sees that it’s just a kid. He reaches down into his boots and pulls out a Disney Fast Pass and hands it to the little boy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, that is not something I would expect to see from Marty.
The Kid’s Dad: “Do you have two more? Because it doesn’t really make sense for him to have one and not his parents…”
Marty Donovan: “How big do you think these boots are, man?!?!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome clubs Marty in the back of the head with a running forearm!
Phillip Blauer: Betrayed by his cheapness, once again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome puts him in an inverted facelock, and drops down into a reverse DDT on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome brings him up to the front row and irish whips him into the railing!
Marty Donovan arches his back in pain, while Steve Awesome rudely yells at the fans “Get out of my way!!”
Phillip Blauer: Making memories for those kids.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs and high leg clotheslines Marty over the railing, back into the ringside area!
Steve Awesome climbs over the railing, and then starts slapping Marty in the back of the head as the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. He goes over to the apron, ducks underneath, and pulls out two singapore canes, getting the audience to buzz with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did he hide those before we opened the doors?
Phillip Blauer: Of course, that’s when all the boys do it. It’s when Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is drinking his lunch.
Steve Awesome puts on an impressive display, by spinning both canes in both hands
Phillip Blauer: Ooh, what a treat. Steve Awesome is giving us an exhibition of his swordwork that he learned in Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hated that one. They didn’t shoot that in Mexico, you could tell they were just in Laughlin, Nevada with the yellow tint turned all the way up. Christopher Meloni was good as the heel, but I can’t believe that was Ned Beatty’s last movie.
Phillip Blauer: A fun goof is that you can see the reflection of the cue cards taped to his co-stars’ chests in the House of Mirrors scene. I will admit that Johnny Galecki’s nude scene seemed to go
Awesome twirls one singapore cane over his head, while spinning the other one with his left hand. Marty gulps, grabs a chair and tosses it at Steve’s head, knocking him senseless
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty realizing he couldn’t best Steve Awesome with the canes, so he just flung a chair at him.
The fans cheer as Steve Awesome counts the lights on the floor
Phillip Blauer: Just a vulgar display from the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion here tonight. While we’re at it, I will admit that in Shit Storm 6, Jason Alexander’s nude scene seemed to go on for far too long.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It didn’t advance the plot very much other than letting us know that guy sure liked cigarette burns.
Yolanda Ando: If we’re being honest, I didn’t love Jim Parsons’ cockney accent that kept coming and going.
Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up by the hair and tosses him over the railing out into the crowd. It knocks some fans into one another, causing a domino effect causing beer to spill on the surrounding fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker, dropping the back of his head on the railing!!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a loud “OH!! Steve Awesome holds the back of his head, kicking his heels into the floor in pain. The fans nearby him, start pushing and shoving over the spilled beer that got many of them, as well as their wives and girlfriends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan goes for a suplex, to suplex him back into the ringside area, but Awesome blocks it. Marty tries to do it again, but Steve again blocks it. Steve Awesome counters with a suplex of his own but sits out and drops Marty’s chest on the railing!
Marty Donovan rolls around the ringside arena, covering his pectorals with his hands. Steve Awesome recovers, leaning against the railing. Behind him, there is some shoving and pushing from fans that feel they were unfairly sprayed with beer and fellow audience members falling on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome gets a running start and flips over the railing and catches Marty with a canadian destroyer DDT called The Flip of the Franchise on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The fans boo Steve Awesome but their attention is distracted by a fight in the crowd with several fans behind the action. People are punching one another, turning around and getting punched by other fans. Meanwhile, Awesome kips up to his feet, as the jeers get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize to the fans, it appears we have a bit of a disturbance in the audience.
Phillip Blauer: This happens every time we come here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up for a powerbomb, but Marty Donovan reverses it into a frankenstiener on the floor!!
The Sacramento crowd comes to life! Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to break up the fight in the audience, but fairly quickly one of the assailant’s girlfriends begins punching Larry
Phillip Blauer: Cover the face, Lare Bear!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m terribly sorry that the audience at home has to witness this. Meanwhile, Marty Donovan double underhooks Awesome’s arms, and flips him into an Ollie Driver ‘22!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome claps his legs together on Marty’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up into a rear waistlock in the aisle, and then german suplexes him on the concrete!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome rolls his shoulder up!
Larry Valentine Jr. is getting struck with purses and right hands from the ladies in the crowd, while the unruly brawl between drunk fans continues in the fifth row
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan begins jabbing a woozy Steve Awesome. Giving him the old Dusty jab series!
Outside in the crowd, a man begins giving the guy he’s fighting the same jabs. He and Marty are in lock step as they jab, and do the twisty knees shimmy before dropping Awesome and the random guy in the crowd with a bionic elbow
Phillip Blauer: One of those is just disrespectful and the other is probably a felony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls him up into a fireman’s carry, but Steve slips off his shoulders behind him and hammerlocks his arm. Awesome lifts him up into a hammerlock backdrop, dropping him on his chicken winged arm on the ramp!!
The Sacramento audience lets out a loud “OH!!” Marty Donovan rolls around, clutching his elbow, kicking his toes into the ramp in pain. He staggers to his feet, but Steve Awesome catches him upside the head with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Thigh Slapper Superkick! Steve Awesome makes a cover out on the ramp!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks him up into a crossface chicken wing, and goes for the Awesome-Plex, but Marty lands on his feet behind him! He hits Awesome with a slingblade on the ramp!
The crowd chants “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” as both men lay out on the apron, trying to recover. Finally Marty gets to his feet and pulls Awesome up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan release dragon suplexes Steve Awesome on the concrete!!
Donovan drags out a table from underneath the ring, and begins setting it up. He pulls Awesome up by the hair and rolls him onto the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips off with an Ode to Romero 450 splash through the table!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the back of Marty’s head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is AVB doing here??
Phillip Blauer: Thank heavens, this was getting out of hand, what with the furniture, the bullwhips, and the both sweet and savory cheeses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Marty out of the broken table wreckage and lifts him up onto his shoulders, flipping him on his head with the Omnipotence on the broken table!!
The audience chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!”, as AVB gives them the double middle finger and rolls Steve Awesome’s limp body on top of Marty’s. Kelly O’Connell hesitantly makes the count
Guillermo O’Bannon: No!
Phillip Blauer: See, now I like this kind of match. Falls should count anywhere.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays and the Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. Alexander Von Blankenship pulls an exhausted and confused Steve Awesome to his feet
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 4 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Face of the Franchise was on his way to a loss before his partner in The Anointed saved him here.
Phillip Blauer: Something I’m sure Marty felt terrible about when it was his group.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls out another table and starts setting it up. He whispers into Steve Awesome’s ear, then Awesome nods and climbs back into the ring
Phillip Blauer: And it doesn’t look like they’re done yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it doesn’t, Alexander Von Blankenship rolls Marty onto the table while Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle.
AVB laughs and holds Marty Donovan’s arms on the table while he struggles to get off. Steve Awesome backflips into a moonsault foot stomp that puts Marty through the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wrath of the Dragon through a table!!
The audience boos as Alexander Von Blankenship does the sign of the cross over Marty’s crumpled form. Then “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays and the audience leaps to their feet.
Steve Awesome gulps and motions to AVB that they should skedaddle. Marty turns his head and excitedly yells “Dan!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Dan Stein! Marty’s bodyguard is back! And with him is Kilroy Evans. Dan Stein wasn’t there to protect his former SWAT Tag Team Champion Marty Donovan in Seattle, but he is now. Dan Stein and his Peacemaker are hot on their tails as The Anointed run through the crowd to escape!
Dan Stein hits the railing but sees Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship are too far away to catch up to
Guillermo O’Bannon:We were wondering what Dan Stein’s position would be on the splintering of The Anointed, and it appears to be he is right behind his longtime buddy. Marty almost had Steve there, but AVB slithered out from the crowd to cost him the victory.
Dan Stein and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tend to Marty Donovan, holding his ribs on top of the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is defending the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in the match coming up with his partner also riding the fence about The Anointed, against The Sheik and Kilroy Evans. We’ll be right back!
Bad acting Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is standing in front of a Hardkore World banner with a glass of milk.
Larry Valentine Jr.: …
Phillip Blauer: (off camera) Cue! Cue!
Larry Valentine Jr.: (blinks) … Oh man. … It is sure hot today. I wish…I wish I had something more refreshing than this almond milk…that I left out overnight.
*magical chime*
Phil Blauer appears next to him
Phillip Blauer: Don’t worry, Dr. Phil has the cure for what ails ya. The iced tea I’ve been serving in my home for years is now available for Poors like you. It’s Phil’s Pure-a-Tea. The only pure iced tea.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Why…why. Why I’d like a glass of that.
Phil hands him the glass of iced tea. Larry takes a drink and makes a face, then gulps it down
Larry Valentine Jr.: Ugh…I mean, boy does that go down smooth. What’s your secret Dr. Phil?
Phillip Blauer: I shouldn’t tell you this, but just between you, me, and the 12 people that don’t fast forward through commercials I only use non-potable water. Do you know what that is?
Larry Valentine Jr.: I don’t feel so good.
Phillip Blauer: I have another sip.
Larry takes another sip, winces, and then drinks from the almond milk left out overnight as a chaser
Phillip Blauer: Non-potable water is water that is free from pot. Yes, you see hippies try and dose use with their whacky weed, so we’ll see things their way, drop out and beg on the street with a mangy dog for sympathy. That’s why ‘s Pure-a-Tea.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Why are there chunks in it?
Phillip Blauer: Flavor crystals.
Larry Valentine Jr.: Ah.
Phillip Blauer: So run on down to the concession stand and order a tall glass of Dr. Phil’s Pure-a-Tea!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the most highly anticipated match of the evening. In Seattle, The Anointed was splintered when Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship turned on their former leader Marty Donovan. His bodyguard “The Punisher Dan Stein was getting elbow surgery, but “The High Roller” Wesley Crane just stood and watched. He didn’t join in, and he didn’t help. In the last match, The Anointed put Marty through a table, and Dan Stein came out to help his longtime partner.So it appears Dan The Man will not be joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: They’re better off without him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Tacoma, Washington, Alexander Van Blankenship came out and let Wesley Crane know that they needed to know which side he was on by the end of tonight.
Phillip Blauer: A fair request.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But The Sheik and Kilroy Evans couldn’t care less with who they align with. They don’t like them from when they were a part of The Anointed. While Dan Stein and Wesley Crane may be distracted from deciding which side they are on, Kilroy Evans and The Sheik are laser focused on making these two men hurt, and taking their Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Sacramento crowd leaps to their feet! Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with his cane, and nods along to the cheers. Out next, step The Sheik and Kilroy Evans behind him
Phillip Blauer: I don’t understand what’s happened to The Sheik. When he did violent things to the people I disliked, it struck me as funny. But lately, not so much. Now it seems barbaric and cruel. I can’t quite put a finger on it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hypocrisy? Total detachment from the reality that everyone else lives in?
Phillip Blauer: No, that’s not it. But you’re close. (ponders) Very close.
Kilroy walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, while The Sheik glares at the fans who try to touch him and slap his hand. Malcolm Xavier Graves clears a way through their arms with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans says tonight he will cement his bond with The Sheik by winning the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships for the fourth time.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t want to be this guy’s friend. Uber drivers don’t want to be this guy’s friend.
Kilroy Evans stops and talks to a couple fans while The Sheik slides into the ring. Malcolm Xavier Graves steps into the ring and applauds for The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tried to relate to Kilroy by going to a South Carolina Walmart.
Phillip Blauer: Into the belly of the beast. I’m sure a deer ran through there at one point, with no one batting an eye.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik ran into an angry local, and it didn’t go well for at least one of him.
Phillip Blauer: Real tough, picking on a guy who clearly takes blood pressure medication and wears compression socks.
Kilroy Evans has his arm around a fan’s shoulder and points out the signs “Don’t Trust The Sheik”, “The Annoying”, “The Never Would Have Happened If Dantastic Was There”, and “My Boy Kilroy”
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy wears a t-shirt with an airbrushed picture of Kilroy and The Sheik doing a babyface tag team pose. He wears jeans and sneakers as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kilroy Evans says that he will relieve Dan Stein of his conundrum of having to pick between Marty and The Anointed, by beating the hell out of him.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, that’s nice, he didn’t have to…hey…
Inside the ring, The Sheik points at the sky. At ringside, Kilroy Evans makes the rounds, slapping the fans’ hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik says that “High Roller” Wesley Crane took something from him, so now he is going to take those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from Wesley Crane.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Millgan. Featuring first, Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!! And from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The Golden 1 Center lets out an ear splitting pop. Kilroy goes over to Greg Jin and murmurs in his ear. Greg looks at him quizzically, and Kilroy assures them that it’s okay.
Greg Jin: “They Are… SOMETHING WILD!”
The Sacramento fans cheer agan. The Sheik cocks his head at Kilroy Evans but Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully. Malcolm Xavier Graves complains, “We didn’t agree to that!” Kilroy ignores him, blocking him out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Some confusion here, apparently.
Phillip Blauer: With present company I’m not surprised.
Malcolm Xavier Graves grabs Greg violently by the lapel and growls something into his ear, before pushing him back
Greg Jin: “I…stand corrected, They Are…THE GREAT MIDEASTERN TRENDKILL!!!”
The confused audience just gives a polite pop. MXG motions for more, but doesn’t get it.
Phillip Blauer: This is already a disaster.
The Golden 1 Center darkens, and three heartbeats are heard. Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again. “I’m So Paid” by Akon plays over the PA as “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and “The Punisher” Dan Stein step out on to the apron, covered in gold. Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone while Stein still has a scowl on his face. Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Dan Stein have had some nervous few weeks. Wesley Crane doesn’t know what Dan Stein thinks of him not helping Marty in that brutal betrayal, and Dan Stein isn’t sure if Crane is going to join the new version of The Anointed. And neither do The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: But who knows anybody, really?
Crane and Stein slowly make their way down to the ring with Wesley looking around at the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: But both men say they are willing to put any personal differences aside to continue to defend the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships together. Which is commendable.
Phillip Blauer: We should all take a page out of their book.
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots, and his elbow taped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein says he can barely take some time off to get surgery on his shoulder and rehab his elbow without The Anointed imploding. He claimed he was done saving Marty, but he couldn’t stand by when The Anointed tried to take him out earlier tonight.
Phillip Blauer: No one can resist that pitiful face of his.
Once they’re ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring with Dan Stein
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane is a little banged up from all the action he’s been seeing here on the West Coast and across the pond in Wrestle: UK. He’s got a bad knee and some back issues.
Phillip Blauer: And yet look at all that gold on his chest, waist…Wrestle: UK World Champion, Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore World Tag Team Champion. He is running out of body parts to strap a championship title to.
Wesley Crane holds up his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship and his Hardkore West Coast Championship in Kilroy’s face, as Kilroy nods at him. The crowd boos Crane while Dan Stein crosses his arms behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane fully expect a lot of violence out of Something Wild…
Phillip Blauer: I think you mean The Great MidEastern Trendkill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever, they both say they are battle tested in that environment and look forward to the gore.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from The D, Detroit, Michigan; He Stands 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The Danimal, Dan The Man…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!! From Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds, The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion and HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…’THE HIGH ROLLER’ WESLEY CRANE!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SUITE LIFE!!!”
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos as Wesley Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open with the Hardkore World Tag Team title and Hardkore West Coast Championship in his hands and the Wrestle: UK World Championship while Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship Match
The Suite Life vs. The Sheik and Kilroy Evans
“The Punisher” Dan Stein and Kilroy Evans elect to start out. Referee Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Stein and Kilroy Evans jockey for position, looking to take their spot with the lock up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two 20 year veterans locking up here tonight. The stronger Dan Stein backing Kilroy up, but Kilroy uses Stein’s own momentum to flip him over into a snap mare.
The audience applauds and Dan Stein gets up immediately, glaring at Kilroy. Stein shakes it off, and then locks up with Kilroy again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein once again backs Kilroy up into the corner. Referee Tommy Milligan calling for a clean break.
Phillip Blauer: Let’s see if we get one.
Dan Stein releases the collar and elbow tie-up. He backs up with his hands in the air, and the Sacramento crowd applauds the clean break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein rams his shoulder into Kilroy’s stomach in the corner! Again!
Phillip Blauer: Ooh, so close.
Dan Stein grabs the ropes for leverage and then drives his shoulder into Kilroy’s stomach once again. Tommy Milligan chastises him for not breaking clean, and doesn’t see Wesley Crane come over and lay in to Kilroy with a sucker punch in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: That’s that smooth team vibe they’re not looking to disrupt just because their friends can’t get along.
Stein pulls Kilroy out of the corner with a shinbreaker atomic drop. Kilroy hobbles a few steps and then falls to the mat, holding his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein irish whips Kilroy into the ropes, but Kilroy ducks a clothesline and scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker!
Phillip Blauer: Right on that surgically repaired shoulder.
Dan Stein clutches his shoulder, wincing in pain. Kilroy Evans pulls him up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: The powerful Dan Stein breaks out of that full nelson, does a go behind, and locks on a full nelson of his own!
The audience “OH!”s as Dan Stein yanks Kilroy around the ring pretty effortlessly. He locks his hands together, and presses Kilroy’s chin into his chest. Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kilroy refuses to give up
Phillip Blauer: Dan is a throwback to when men wrestled in arenas smokier than a Canadian wildfire.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls Kilroy over to his corner and tags in the “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. The Punisher reapplies the full nelson so Kilroy is helpless as Crane rocks him with a series of stiff right hands!
Stein and Crane overstay the five count, so Wesley Crane hits the ropes and cracks Evans with a running european uppercut that drops him to the mat. The audience jeers him for that as he smirks at the hard camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane shoots Kilroy Evans into the turnbuckles so hard he falls in the corner! He gets a running start and strikes a sitting Kilroy with a knee that makes his head rock back into those turnbuckles!
The Golden 1 Center lets out another “OH!” Kilroy tips over to his side, and then crawls over to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane cuts him off, and pulls him up into a suplex position. He lifts him up and drops Kilroy on his head with a brainbuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane hits the ropes and comes with another one of those lethal knees, but Kilroy catches it and reverses it into a dragon screw!
The crowd comes to life with applause, and Crane rolls to his feet. He charges in again, and Kilroy Evans clips him with a drop toehold! He tags in The Sheik and the roof nearly blows off The Golden 1 Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs in and catches Wesley Crane with a sling blade!
The fans pop, Dan Stein steps through the ropes and grabs Sheik. He irish whips Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the rope and jumps back into a springboard back elbow that takes out both Crane and Dan Stein!!
The Sacramento audience is on their feet as Dan Stein and Wesley Crane retreat to the ringside area. Dan Stein whispers in Crane’s ear and he nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik handling both Crane and Dan Stein, so they got out of there.
Phillip Blauer: Smart. Take advantage of being the only team in this match that has any idea what the other one is saying.
Wesley Crane cautiously climbs back into the ring while Tommy Milligan holds The Sheik back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes to lock up with The Sheik, but Dan Stein slides into the ring and clubs Sheik in the back of the head.
Crane slugs The Sheik with a right hook as Kilroy Evans enters the ring to back up his partner. Dan Stein irish whips Sheik but he reverses it and shoots The Punisher into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans catches an oncoming Wesley Crane with a samoan drop!
Phillip Blauer: He’s not the legal man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true. The Sheik irish whips Wesley Crane into his own partner, Dan Stein in the corner!
The crowd roars as Stein and Crane are stacked in the corner. The Sheik backs up and points at them as Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and heel kicks Wesley Crane, squashing him against Dan Stein in the corner!!
The fans cheer as Wesley Crane staggers out of the corner, and Dan Stein falls through the ropes to the floor below. The Sheik and Kilroy Evans raise their arms and the crowd goes nuts! Tommy Milligan forces Kilroy out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik holds on to the ropes and batters Crane with stomps and kicks. He reaches out and tags in Kilroy Evans. The Sheik irish whips Crane into the ropes, Kilroy catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gut wrench suplexes Wesley Crane across the ring. He pulls Wesley Crane up and twists his body into the giant octopus!
The audience cheers as Kilroy Evans pulls back on Crane’s arm, while pressing down on Wesley’s head with his leg. Dan Stein yells encouragement to Crane while Tommy Milligan checks in with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the town where in November of 2005, Kilroy Evans defeated Lucifer Jones for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship. But Wesley Crane plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the giant octopus!
The cheers turn to jeers as Kilroy Evans gets up and walks into an exploder suplex that pitches him across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane tags in “The Punisher” Dan Stein! Stein grabs Kilroy Evans and physically tosses him into the turnbuckles!!
The Golden 1 Center pops at the show of strength. Dan Stein kicks Evans hard in the ribs, dropping Kilroy to his knees in the corner. The Punisher stomps the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lands another stiff stomp to Kilroy’s spine. He grabs the ropes and starts choking Kilroy with his boot in the corner.
The Sacramento crowd boo as Dan Stein steps on Kilroy’s windpipe, while Tommy Milligan gives him a five count to break it. The ringside fans start chanting “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!”
Phillip Blauer: A couple of these guys were definitely at the last focus group Jonnie paid for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Kilroy Evans up into a bearhug. He locks down on Kilroy’s lower back, putting huge pressure on his ribs as well.
Kilroy cries out in pain, with his eyes shut. Dan Stein readjusts his grip and then gives another constricting squeeze on the bearhug. Tommy Milligan asks Kilroy if he wants to give up, but Evans shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to get a new breath, but Stein won’t allow it with that pressure he’s putting on Kilroy’s chest.
The crowd starts chanting “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kilroy seems to get a second wind. He whacks Dan in the temple with a punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy cracks Stein with punches until he gets out of the bearhug! He pulls Dan’s arm behind his head, and heart punches Stein in that massive chest of his!
Dan Stein staggers back, holding his chest. Kilroy Evans irish whips Dan Stein into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hits Dan Stein with a roundhouse kick that finally drops the big man!!
The audience celebrates Dan Stein hitting the canvas. Kilroy crawls over and reaches out to The Sheik’s outstretched hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy finally tags in The Sheik! The Sheik runs into the ring and grabs a rising Dan’s hair and sits out into a facebuster!
The fans roar! Wesley Crane runs into the ring and Sheik kicks him in the stomach and scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!! Crane rolls out of the ring and The Sheik hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops a leg across the back of Stein’s head with a leg drop. He applies a LaBell lock on Dan Stein’s arm!
The audience cheers and The Sheik rocks back with Dan Stein’s head and arm. Tommy Milligan in perfect position to see if Stein taps out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik locks his hands together and peels back on Dan Stein’s head and neck. Stein reaching out for the ropes, but he’s too far away! Wesley Crane comes up from behind and stomps Sheik on the the back of the head to break up the LaBell lock!
The Golden 1 Center jeers, and Wesley runs over and punches Kilroy on the apron. The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane attempts to suplex Kilroy into the ring but Evans blocks it. He plants his feet and lifts Crane into a suplex off the apron to the floor below!!
The Sacramento fans cheer loudly as Dan Stein, Kilroy Evans, and Wesley Crane lie on the arena floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself onto Crane and Stein with a crossbody!! Now the match is spilling out on the floor where these two really shine!
The crowd chants “SHEIK! SHEIK! SHEIK!” as now all four men are lying on the concrete. Kilroy gets up and irish whips Dan Stein chestfirst into the announce table
Phillip Blauer: Oh, hey Dan. I don’t know if you heard that stuff I said about you earlier, that was just the hurt talking mostly. You see, I have several ingrown toenails and I mask the pain with snarky…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans spears Stein in the lower back, smooshing him against our announce table!
Dan Stein slinks down to the floor, clutching his ribs. The Sheik pulls Wesley Crane up by hair and irish whips him, but Crane reverses it and shoots him hard into the railing
Phillip Blauer: Tommy Milligan has lost control of this one!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane knees Sheik in the stomach, and then double underhook DDTs him on the concrete!!
The Sacramento fans jeer Wesley Crane as The Sheik is busted open, lying on the ground. Wesley Crane gets up only to be overtaken by Kilroy Evans who is punching him over and over. He lifts Crane up into an atomic drop and drops his groin on the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans peels Crane back into a tree of woe on the security rail! He backs up and running spears an upside down Crane into the steel guardrail!!
The Golden 1 Center erupts in cheers as Crane lays on the floor, his eyes closed in agony. Kilroy starts biting Wesley Crane’s eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your indignation here? He’s eating a man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s giving it all he’s got to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles.
Phillip Blauer: He’s giving him tetanus!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s got a great affection for the tag team titles he has won three different times. When he was part of the Miracle Violence Combination II he won it in a 2004 tournament where he and Andrew Karnage defeated the brothers “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “Tigre Negro” Sean Jackson in San Jose. Then in 2005, The Miracle Violence Combination II won another tournament in Palm Springs, defeating Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira. Then at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask as The Society of the New Breed won another tournament, defeating Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter in the finals.
Dan Stein peels Kilroy off of Wesley Crane and smashes him into the railing so hard it hits the people in the front row in the knees.
Phillip Blauer: Look at that. A whole row of $14 beers in those Simon Cruise collectible cups taken out. But he doesn’t care.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein retrieves his Peacemaker staff from timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.’s table
Phillip Blauer: Oh nelly.
Kilroy Evans thinks fast and grabs the cane out of Malcolm Xavier Graves’ hands
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That guy just robbed that poor handicapped man! Police!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans and Dan Stein having an impromptu sword fight with The Peacemaker and MXG’s cane. Kilroy attacks and Stein blocks it with his wooden staff.
Dan swings The Peacemaker and knocks the cane out of Kilroy’s hands and nails Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. in the knee
Phillip Blauer: Watch it, Jackie. Give these guys some room, for Pete’s sake.
The suddenly unarmed Kilroy gulps, and then smiles at Dan who’s holding the Peacemaker. Then he smiles and Dan Stein looks quizzically, then grimaces
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein turns around into a hellacious chair shot from The Sheik!!
The audience yells “OH!!” and Stein goes down like a redwood. A bleeding Sheik looks at the bent frame of the chair, and then tosses it over the ropes into the ring
Phillip Blauer: We just ruin every place we play.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Dan Stein into the ring while The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle. Sheik jumps off with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs up to the top turnbuckle again and backflips into a moonsault, but Stein puts his knees up!!
Sheik gasps for air, as Dan Stein lifts him up into a choke with both hands and then sits out into a tigerbomb
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik claps his legs together on Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein tags in a busted open Wesley Crane, and irish whips The Sheik into the ropes. Crane catches him with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up on his shoulders with a fireman’s carry, and then runs into the center of the ring with a death valley driver!
Crane climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying elbow, but The Sheik rolls out of the way!! The crowd comes to life and The Sheik crawls over to tag in Kilroy, but Dan Stein runs in and stomps his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes in and Dan Stein grabs him and delivers three headbutts and goes for a facebuster, but Kilroy comes back up and headbutts Stein three times of his own! Stein and Kilroy start exchanging headbutts as the fans are on their feet!
Kilroy gets the better of the exchange and Dan Stein falls into the corner
Phillip Blauer: The winner is whichever guy doesn’t need to know where his car is parked tonight.
A bleeding Wesley Crane changes at a woozy Kilroy but The Sheik catches him with a tornado DDT! Kilroy spies Crane slowly getting up, so he picks up the bent chair that The Sheik threw into the ring earlier as the audience celebrates Wesley’s predicament
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans swings at him with that chair but Crane superkicks it into Kilroy’s face knocking him out of the ring!
The Golden 1 Center rocks with boos. The Sheik goes to attack Crane, but Dan Stein comes up from behind. He turns the crimson masked Sheik around and lifts him up into a double handed choke. Wesley Crane sees this and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane hits Sheik with a flying v-trigger knee as Stein drops him in a powerbomb!! The Annotation!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
“More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays and the audience boos. Donnie Valentine Jr. hands Tommy Milligan the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. Milligan walks over and hands them to an exhausted Dan Stein and Wesley Crane
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SUITE LIFE!!!”
Kilroy and Sheik roll out of the ring and Kilroy helps a bloody Sheik walk back to the locker room. The fans jeer as Dan Stein and Wesley Crane hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team Championships. Wesley Crane straps his belt around his waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Suite Life survives a brutal match against 3 time Hardkore World Tag Team Champion Kilroy Evans and Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik. Somehow they have found a way to work together on a common goal, and it appears they have decided on taking a third path. One that they decide on.
Phillip Blauer: Like one of those movies, where the two mismatched people are paired up. One, a no nonsense strongman. The other a frivolous playboy. They’d kill each other if they weren’t too busy killing bad guys. But one, they tell each other an insightful story about a painful memory they have, creating an unspoken bond under their gruff exteriors…
"Full of Regret" by Danko Jones plays and the fans boo. Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome walk out with Hasbulla in their street clothes. Awesome has a mic in his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are The Anointed doing here? They couldn’t just allow these two to celebrate a huge tag team win, they have to hear Dan and Wes’ decision about whether or not they want to remain in The Anointed?
The Sacramento crowd heckles them and someone hits Hasbulla with a plastic cup, half full with beer. Hasbulla goes after the guy, but Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. holds him back
Phillip Blauer: We just saved ourselves a major lawsuit there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has made it clear that he is not a part of The Anointed any longer after saving Marty Donovan from getting double teamed by Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship.
Dan Stein points at Awesome and AVB, walking over to the ropes. He warns them what’s going to happen if they step through those ropes. Steve Awesome and AVB
Steve Awesome: “I have to take care of some Anointed business right now.”
Awesome looks at the hard camera
Steve Awesome: “You know how that is, right Marty?”
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) Burn.
Steve Awesome: “Wes, Dan, you two have been silent since WarGames. We now know where Dan stands.”
The Sacramento crowd cheers as Dan nods, staring at them intently
Steve Awesome: “But Wes, you really only have two options to choose from. You're either gonna ride this rocket ship with us, or you're against us. You’ll see how that turns out when we have to slap the mustache off Dan later.”
Dan Stein steps through the ropes and stands on the apron, beckoning Steve Awesome to try it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein can take no more. He has had it with Steve Awesome, and Alexander Von Blankenship, who were not a part of the group when he joined…
Wesley Crane waffles Stein in the back of the head with that chair!! The impact sends him shooting like a lawn dart, hitting the steel railing with a loud crack that rings through The Golden 1 Center. The entire crowd gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh my God!
Phillip Blauer: Did you hear that sound??
Dan Stein lies on the floor motionless, referee Tommy Milligan and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. rush to his side and check his vitals. In the aisle, Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship look like this worked out better than they had planned it; smiling at one another in disbelief. Inside the ring, a bleeding Wesley Crane looks at the battered chair and then down at Stein on the cold concrete.
Phillip Blauer: I guess we got our answer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein was absolutely blindsided by that baseball swing of a shot that just destroyed that chair. He had to have been out, and it propelled him right into that railing, with no ability to protect himself on the way down.
Phillip Blauer: He got in that ring knowing this was a very real possibility, he just thought the window of that possibility had passed. He was wrong.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks over to Dan Stein’s crumpled form on the floor, and shoos away David Valentine Jr. and Tommy Milligan. He bends down and gives Dan Stein the sign of the cross
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s AVB doing?
Phillip Blauer: He’s taking the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt off from around the waist of Dan Stein! The absolute rocks this kid has! He’s somehow worse than his father Rat Bastard.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I didn’t think that was possible.
Phillip Blauer: Miracles happen every day, we just have to look for them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship strapping that Hardkore World Tag Team title belt around his waist for no reason. He didn’t win that title! He just picked the bones after Wesley Crane double crossed his partner of nearly a year. A man he held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship since Irish Rage in Belfast 2022 in September.
Alexander Von Blankenship enters the ring and with a smirk, puts his hand out. A bloody faced Crane looks at the hand, as Steve Awesome steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane shakes AVB’s hand, and holds up his arm!
The boos are deafening as AVB is celebrating with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship as if he won it with Wesley Crane
Steve Awesome: “Let me introduce you to your new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Trash starts being thrown into the ring, with water bottles, beer cups, and popcorn cups amongst other debris bouncing off the ring and the wrestlers
Phillip Blauer: These people are so uncouth.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For once, I agree with them. This is a terrible betrayal, and a farce to pretend that Alexander Von Blankenship is somehow the Hardkore World Tag Team Champion just because they wished it was so.
The fans chant “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* “Fuck You Rat Boy! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*” Steve Awesome shushes them and tells them to shut up, while AVB motions for them to do it louder, while patting his ill-begotten championship belt.
Alexander Von Blankenship: “Let me show you something I’ve been wanting to do forever!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like AVB’s not done, making his way through the ropes towards Dan Stein on the floor…he’s got a beard trimmer! He pulled a bear trimmer out of his pocket.
Phillip Blauer: He’s going to shave his mustache off!
The Indiana Jones theme starts and the audience leaps to their feet!! Kilroy Evans pulls Marty Donovan with taped ribs by the arm like Miss Elizabeth dragging Hulk out to save Savage
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan! Dan Stein saved him earlier, and now he’s here to finally protect him for a change!
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy is here as well, but I assume that’s just because someone must have spilled their nachos.
Marty Donovan sees Dan out cold by the security rail. He gulps and starts marching towards Wesley Crane, AVB, and Steve Awesome in the ring. Awesome motions to the boys that they make themselves scarce, and they tumble out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy, Marty and Dan have been on different sides of the ring over the past 20 years, but they earned a respect of one another over the years. Now with The Anointed trying to run Hardkore World as their own personal fiefdom, they’ve decided to bury the hatchet of the past year and rekindle their old friendship.
Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan allow David Valentine Jr. and his medical team to work on getting Stein rolled over and stabilized
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome, Crane, and Von Blankenship slither off to the locker room looking pretty pleased with what they’ve done.
Phillip Blauer: And why wouldn’t they be? This is like when The Monkees got back together but with more head trauma and larceny!
The Anointed stand on the top of the ramp, holding up the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, the Hardkore West Coast Championship, the XHF Hardcore title, and the Wrestle: UK World Championship. Stein is awake and answering questions as David Valentine Jr., Kilroy and the medical team help load him on a stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re going to take a quick break before the main event so that Dan Stein can be safely transported out of ringside.
(We see the backstage catering area at one of the Hardkore World house shows. Marty flips through a contract while a glum Kilroy stares down at an empty plate.)
Marty: Can you believe this? Jonnie is only offering me a small raise because of all those times in gorilla that I spat on him.
Kilroy: I think you’d find the boys more sympathetic to your plight if catering didn’t have us all fighting over a single box of Shark Bites.
(Marty looks across the room and sees the enhancement talent arguing over a meager spread. A sign on the table reads “TWO GUMMIES PER WRESTLER”.)
Marty: I just realized something.
Kilroy: That wrestling for free would allow money to be invested into other aspects of Hardkore World and you’d still make more than the rest of us from your comic-con appearances, hit podcast, and lucrative Disney sponsorship?
Marty: No, Hollywood is on strike! Disney Plus is going to be scrambling for new content. I could have my own reality show where I donate an INCREDIBLY MEAGER part of my salary into improving the lives of these jobbers!
Kilroy: I think, grading on a steep Marty Donovan curve, that’s almost a good deed.
Marty: Right? The TV money will be rolling in and this is a chance for the locker room to see what a caring person I actually am.
(Dana “The Drone” Daniels timidly approaches the table.)
Dana: Do you guys mind if I sit here?
Marty: Fuck off!
(The shot changes to Marty and Kilroy standing in a nice apartment. They are dressed like the hosts of This Old House. They address the camera.)
Marty: We’re here in the meager, filthy, shameful home of The Hurricane.
Kilroy: This is actually an incredibly nice apartment.
Marty: Get real, you’d never even know that Hurricane lived here. There is not one single memento from his time in the WWF. I think a shopping spree is needed. What do you say, partner?
Kilroy: I’m just here because it's a legal loophole that allows me to shop at Lowes.
(The camera does a star wipe. The apartment is now filled with photos, championship belts, toys and other memorabilia from Hurricane’s heyday. Marty shushes the camera as the front door opens. A shocked wrestler in a green mask walks in.)
Marty: Surprise! You’re on Marty’s Magical Makeover! Hurricane, this is a small gesture to show how much I appreciate what you did for the business. No thanks is needed, just provide a talking head about how Cross Recoba would never be so generous.
(The homeowner grows visibly angry. Kilroy is concerned.)
Marty: He’s too overwhelmed to even speak. Kilroy, how would you describe that look on Hurricane’s face?
Kilroy: Shane’s not here, but I can tell you that Little Dragon looks furious.
Marty: What? This isn’t my fault. One of them should wear red. Tune in next time when we remix Kalmin Watt’s theme to have Awkwafina doing The Scuttlebutt rap over it. I’m your…
(Little Dragon tackles Marty to the floor and begins to wail on him. Kilroy just watches.)
Kilroy: You know, I was wondering why Hurricane’s fridge had all those pictures of The Shootfighter.
(The shot fades out to Marty’s screams.)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alright fans, we’ve seen to have gotten control back after the anarchy in the previous two matches. Now we have our main event, Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba puts his belt on the line against the very popular Little Dragon. In Tacoma, Washington, Cross Recoba cost Tuxedo Mask his chance to win the Hardkore World Television title, a championship his family friend, Thunder Kid held back in 1993. Tonight, Little Dragon wants not only revenge, but to be the first person in his family to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Phillip Blauer: In a pig’s eye.
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and The Golden 1 Center lets out an ear splitting pop as images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway soaking in the roar of the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: As I said earlier, Little Dragon defeated The Martian in the first round, and seemingly had “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall on the ropes in the semi-finals when Cross Recoba pushed him off the top rope.
Phillip Blauer: As is his right, under ius primae noctis.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not what that is.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I don’t speak Spanish, but what I know is that if you are a CEO of one company, and the World Champion of another. You can pretty much toss anyone off of anything you like. That’s just American.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon not taking Cross Recoba’s offer of no-showing tonight’s match. Not only is that not the type of man Little Dragon is, he would never deprive the West Coast fans from seeing what he is going to do to Cross Recoba tonight.
Little Dragon storms ringside and when he reaches the ring he slides under the ropes and forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols. He’s got a cast on his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon claims Cross Recoba to be the loneliest guy in the Hardkore World locker room…
Phillip Blauer: Fake news. That would be me. Followed by Carl.
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. slumps in his chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: But that Cross Recoba should learn to start respecting the company that he’s the World Champion of. He can start tonight, by respecting Little Dragon after the beating he plans to give him.
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Golden 1 Center as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Sacramento audience jeers as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is strapped around his waist. The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Phillip Blauer: Let the record show that Cross Recoba is doing this match under protest. He offered Little Dragon a pretty sweet deal to sit home in Hong Kong. I would have taken that in a heartbeat. Who wants to come to Sacramento this bad? Ridiculous.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Phil, you and Little Dragon are different people.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba seemingly starting to feel the pressure of being World Champion as well as running Tap Out as well as wrestling in different territories as well. He wrestled at the XHF Rumble in Foxborough and competed for the Infinite Pro World Championship against Myojin in Santa Clara. He felt slighted by Hardkore Jonnie Valentine deciding to put the WarGames match on last in Seattle, despite him being the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Phillip Blauer: That probably had more to do with how slow Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. is at taking down two cages, but I get it.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Sacramento fans He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba says he is the one getting new eyeballs on Hardkore World, not it’s veteran stars, and yet he is ignored while they are still celebrated, even though he is The Top Guy.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck, then he sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba has vowed to target Little Dragon’s recovering wrist as payback for his comments. He has no respect for his opponent, this territory, or Hardkore Jonnie Valentine, so in protest, he is going to start ruining all of the main events until he gets what he wants. Like he did in Tacoma when he tried to injure Little Dragon so he didn’t have to wrestle him tonight.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Carl Valentine Jr. rings the bell and the lights drop, and a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of the evening!”
The Sacramento crowd roars and Greg gives them a few moments to die down
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon; His Daddy Was A Pistol, Which Makes Him A Son Of A Gun…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Golden 1 Center gives Little Dragon one of the loudest pops of the night, with kids yelling their loudest. He acknowledges them with a head nod. The fans then begin booing in anticipation for Cross’ introduction
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The boos are deafening as Cross give them another mocking bow and then hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Match
Cross Recoba vs. Little Dragon
The bell rings and Cross Recoba and Little Dragon lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Little Dragon quickly grabs a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross struggling to get out of that headlock, but Little Dragon flips him with a headlock takedown. Recoba trying to twist out of it, but Dragon presses his shoulders to the mat.
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba rolls Little Dragon into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Little Dragon rolls back into the side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba works back to his feet with Little Dragon hanging on, so Little Dragon takes him over again in a side headlock takedown.
Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. He takes one of his legs and is able to escape the headlock by applying a headscissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon slips his head out of the scissors and gets to his feet, kicking the sitting Recoba in the face!
The Golden 1 Center lets out a collective “OH!” delighting in Recoba’s face getting kicked in. Little Dragon hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon comes with a flying body press but Cross catches him and drops him in that shoulderbreaker. Dragon staggers up, and Cross grabs him from behind with a jumping reverse STO!
The cheers turn to jeers as Cross rubs his cheek from the earlier kick. He irish whips Dragon into the ropes and then hits him with a dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon gets to his feet and Cross Recoba whacks him in the chest with a reverse knife edge chop! Little Dragon answers with a chop of his own. Another one from cross backs Dragon into the corner.
Little Dragon responds with a blistering chop that leaves a handprint. A third chop to Little Dragon’s chest is heard throughout the Golden 1 Center. Little Dragon counters with a muy thai kick to Recoba’s ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba tries to put out that fire with another stiff chop, but Dragon cracks him with a muy thai kick to his knee. Recoba hobbles back, but Dragon drops him with another muy thai kick to the ankle.
Little Dragon waits for Cross to get up and then clips his knee out from behind! Recoba yelps and clutches his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls him up into a suplex, but Cross blocks it and counters with a snap suplex. He hits the ropes and drops an elbow on Dragon’s chest.
…ONE!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross lifts Dragon up by the hair and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker, dropping down for a devastating effect!
Little Dragon sits up, clutching the back of his neck as the crowd boos. He gets up, but Cross is waiting for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba with a boot to the head, but Little Dragon catches his leg in a dragon screw, into a stepover toehold! Cross vowed to re-injure Dragon’s arm, but thus far it has been Little Dragon succeeding with attacks to his leg.
Little Dragon wrenches Recoba’s trapped calf, putting pressure on his knee. Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head at the senior official
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross finally able to grab the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan asks Little Dragon to break the stepover toehold. He pulls Cross up and irish whips him, but Recoba reverses it and shoots him into the corner. Little Dragon bounces off the turnbuckles and takes out Cross with a russian sickle!
The Sacramento crowd erupts in cheers as Little Dragon pumps them up. He motions for Cross to get back onto his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon blasts him with that cast!
Cross Recoba flops through the ropes out to the floor, as the audience erupts with cheers. Kids stick their thumbs down in Recoba’s face, while he limps at ringside.
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous. They need to remove that cast. This is Sacramento, someone must have a mini-buzzsaw on them.
Cross complains to Tommy Milligan to get Little Dragon back. Some fans at ringside start chanting “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: (nervous) You don’t really think so, do you?
Phillip Blauer: Oh sure. Place like this?
Guillermo gets a little skittish and Cross Recoba returns to the apron. Little Dragon pushes past Tommy Milligan and punches Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba returns fire with a stiff right cross that dazes Little Dragon.
While still on the ring apron, Recoba grabs Little Dragon and runs him face first into one of the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba slingshots himself over the top rope into an elbow drop onto Dragon’s chest!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross picks him up and reverse knife edges him in the chest again. Little Dragon responds with a judo chop to the side of the neck. Cross tries to kick him, but Little Dragon grabs him with another dragon screw, but this time Recoba is waiting for him with an enzuigiri!
Little Dragon is dazed, so Cross grabs two handfuls of his hair and sits out into a facebuster! The Sacramento crowd heckles Cross Recoba with “Culero! Culero! Culero!” but Cross seems to welcome their hatred.
Phillip Blauer: See? They think he’s cool.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s spanish for ass fucker, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) I don’t think so. My gardener calls me that all the time. Because I’m a cool boss. A Culero.
Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle and confidently pushes his hair out of his eye to louder boos
Phillip Blauer: They even hate the man’s hair, Giancarlo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon runs up the turnbuckles and monkey flips him off the top rope!!
The crowd cheers as Cross Recoba sits up in pain. Little Dragon applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his leg and cranks back on Recoba’s arm, straining the champion’s abdominal muscles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross refusing to give up, so he hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He irish whips Little Dragon into the turnbuckles, and then charges in with a knee to his stomach.
Cross Recoba backs up and follows it up with a running european uppercut that devastates Dragon in the corner. He backs up a third time as the audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba charges in but this time Little Dragon puts his knees up into Cross’ face! Dragon steps up onto the second turnbuckle and catches a dazed Recoba with a flying shoulder tackle!
The crowd pops and Little Dragon applies a stepover ankle lock. He twists his body so that he can wrench Recoba’s foot and leg to the side. Recoba cries out in pain, while he reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon sees that Cross is getting close, so he drags Recoba back to the center of the ring, and then sits down on his leg into an STF!
The Golden 1 Center gets loud! Cross Recoba gasps for air, fighting to escape. Little Dragon clamps down on Recoba’s windpipe as the fans chant “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled once before in Albuquerque, New Mexico with Cross winning back in December.
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me, I gotta start shopping for my Christmas presents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re already shopping this early?
Phillip Blauer: No, I mean for last year’s gift.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba starts hammer punching his injured wrist so Little Dragon is forced to abandon the STF.
Little Dragon stands up, holding his wrist. Recoba gets up and gets slightly underneath him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a saito suplex that dumps Little Dragon on the back of his head! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and catches a rising Dragon right on the button with a missile dropkick!!
The Sacramento fans start chanting “CULERO!! CULERO!! CULERO!!!” as Recoba pulls himself up to his feet. A mother in the audience cups the ears of her 6 year old son. He drapes a facedown Dragon’s wrist on the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba takes a few steps and kneedrops the back of Dragon’s elbow while it’s hung on the bottom rope!
Little Dragon cries out in pain, and snatches his arm back underneath his body, kicking his toes in the mat in pain. Cross pulls him up and gets behind him with a chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba chicken wing suplexes Little Dragon on his injured arm!
Little Dragon rolls around the mat, clutching his wrist to his stomach. Cross lifts him up by the hair, drapes his leg over the back of Dragon’s head and drives him face first into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba pulls him up and grabs a hold of his hair, tossing him over the top rope!
Little Dragon hangs on, while Recoba limps back a few steps, with his back turned. The audience cheers as Dragon skins the cat back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon right back in the ring and Cross sees him. Recoba charges in, but Dragon catches him with an enzuigiri of his own! He lifts Cross up in an atomic drop and then just chucks Recoba to the floor!!
The crowd cheers as Little Dragon hits the ropes and dives over the ropes into a plancha that he catches a rising Recoba with! The audience chants “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon irish whips Cross Recoba into the steel steps!!
The sound of Recoba’s knees hitting the stairs rings through the Golden 1 Center, and he goes up and over them. Dragon rolls Recoba back into the ring, but hangs his legs out, then crotches him into the ringpost! The fans celebrate Recoba’s predicament
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon wraps Recoba’s leg around that steel corner post!
Phillip Blauer: No video screen ring posts here! Though, we would love the Cinnamon Toast Crunch money.
Yolanda Ando: We really would.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, that would be amazing. Little Dragon smashes his knee with a chair against that ringpost!!
The audience cheers the sound of that chair clanking against his knee and cornerpost
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon wraps Recoba’s legs around the ringpost and drops down into a figure four leglock!!
The fans cheer as Cross Recoba sits up in agony, trying to escape anyway he can. He grabs Tommy Milligan’s shirt in frustration
Guillermo O’Bannon:Dragon pulling down on those tendons, crushing them against the steel!
Little Dragon finally releases the figure four around the ringpost, and Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring, holding his knee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon pulls him up and bashes Recoba’s face into the railing! Again! He rolls back onto the apron, hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault but Recoba moves out of the way and Dragon hits the guardrail!!
The air goes out of the crowd and they jeer Recoba as he lies next to Little Dragon on the floor, still holding his knee. He eventually gets to his feet and rolls Little Dragon onto the apron. Cross gets on the apron and pulls him up into a front facelock, then sit out DDTs Dragon on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Staten Island Drop!! Cross Recoba waits for Little Dragon to get to his feet and then hits the ropes, jumping over the top rope with a Million Lira Dropkick to Little Dragon on the floor!!
The boos are resounding as they lie on the concrete, trying to catch their breath. Recoba rolls Little Dragon back into the ring and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes down with a flying elbow drop, crashing down along Little Dragon’s jawline!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon staggers to his feet, but Recoba hooks him up, kicks his leg out and rolls him into a ranhei cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle, but once again, Little Dragon is so quick to jump up there and belly to belly superplex him across the ring!!
The fans come to life as Little Dragon smells blood. Cross Recoba tries to crawl away from him but Dragon grabs one of his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon drops down into another anklelock! He squeezes his legs around Recoba’s thigh, while trying to twist Cross’ foot off.
The Sacramento fans chant “TAP! TAP! TAP!” as Cross Recoba screams in torment. Little Dragon rocks back on his leg, attempting to break the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is finally able to kick Little Dragon off and escape the anklelock, but Little Dragon stands up still holding Recoba’s leg. He spinning toeholds his leg over the other and then drops down into a figure four leglock!
Recoba sits up, howling in pain. The crowd continues to chant “TAP! TAP! TAP!” Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to do just that, but Recoba shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon attempting to cash in on all the damage he’s done to Cross’ knee for the past 20 minutes. He clamps down on Recoba’s twisted legs, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Expired. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon applies more pressure to those knees and Recoba falls back to the mat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba sits back up!
Phillip Blauer: What? A guy can’t lay down anymore?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No? Cross Recoba now trying to turn it over, he’s too far from the ropes to escape that way.
The crowd boos as Cross Recoba successfully turns the figure four over, putting pressure on Little Dragon’s legs. Dragon releases the hold and pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon jumps back into a springboard elbow, but Cross Recoba catches him with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon rolls his shoulder up!
Cross Recoba chicken wings his arm and scoops Little Dragon up, then jumping spinning hammerlock tombstone piledrives him
Guillermo O’Bannon: A chicken wing Up All Night In Dakota!!
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like a depressing evening if you ask me.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and Cross Recoba rolls off of Little Dragon with his arm held in the air
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was not the easy match he predicted, but Cross Recoba is able to outlast the young Little Dragon. As it pains me to admit, he is starting to make his case as a dominant Hardkore World Heavyweight champion.
Tommy Milligan hands Cross Recoba his HCW Diamond belt and his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Little Dragon rolls out to the floor, while Recoba limps up to his feet. He holds the two championship belts in the air to the boos of the Sacramento crowd
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, stop living in the past, Gramps. This guy is the new deal. Like Roosevelt.
“Boomer Sooner” by the Oklahoma University Marching Band begins playing and the jeers turn to cheers. Cross Recoba’s head darts towards the entrance
Phillip Blauer: What is that terrible noise??
Anthony Jordan walks out with a microphone in his hand and the Wrestle: UK Television Champion Kalmin Watts, looking jacked. Cross Recoba’s eyes bug out and he walks to the ropes, yelling at them for interrupting his post-match celebration
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Kalmin Watts! A friend of Little Dragon!
Anthony Jordan: “Hey Cross. How you doing? You know, I’ve heard you’ve been complaining about your opponents lately. Well, I have some amazing news. I just talked with Jonnie Valentine, and he said you’ll be defending your Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Kalmin Watts at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!”
The Sacramento crowd cheers and Cross Recoba stares in disbelief
Guillermo O’Bannon: A friend of Little Dragon and Cross Recoba’s opponent at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!
Phillip Blauer: And what right does graduating from Oklahoma give him to interrupt the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s post-match ego bath??
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just letting Cross know he’s got a big match to contend with this summer with the Master of the Sooner Squeeze!
Kalmin Watts makes the belt sign around his waist as the fans cheer. Cross shakes his head and points at the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and yells “This is mine!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we’ll see you across the pond, at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!
