Post by Steve Awesome on Jun 15, 2023 5:37:26 GMT -5
J-Rok Jam Sessions “Someday”
Steve turns around to see the massive frame of the Canadian who he knew oh too well. A swift kick and a lift, and a Violent Grave is hit on the Face of the Franchise that sends him spiking head first into the canvas!
Psycho KGB: “Jesse with a tombstone piledriver he calls the Violent Grave on the Hardcore champion! What provoked this— Wait a minute, I think we are getting our answer.”
Reaching down beside Steve Awesome’s body, the Murder Lizard picks up the XHF Hardcore championship belt and lifts it up as he steps over Steve and stands directly over him. Holding the Championship high in the air with one hand, Jesse takes in the mixed reaction as Rin Kubo walks up the ramp with help from the referee. Jesse leans down and lays the XHF Hardcore title over the chest of Steve Awesome and cameras zoom in as Jesse says “I’m going to take everything away from you Steve. Everything!”
Steve Awesome limps into the backstage area clutching his head and staggering around dragging his Hardcore Championship along with him.
“What in the HELL was THAT ALLABOUT!!”
Nausicaa Suzuki, the current CEO of J-Rok, is more preoccupied with her current task of hanging something on a whiteboard and barely notices Steve come in.
“Hmmm?”
“Oh don’t play coy with me! I know you saw that seven foot nightmare reptile drop me on my head out there for seemingly no reason!”
Nausicaa shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t even takes her eyes off her project.
“Seemed to me he was interested in your hardcore title….”
Steve hugs his title a little tighter as Suzuki stretches out some scotch tape.
“Oh and while you were unconscious he mentioned something about taking everything from you.”
Steve gulped and if he had a collar he would be tugging on it.
“And you condone this? You think this is okay?”
Steve finally noticed what Nausicaa was doing.
“What are you hanging up?”
“Match card for the next event.”
Steve quickly scans the paper for his name and was taken aback when he read the name of his challenger.
“P-PRIMAL!?”
He turns to the CEO.
“First I get a MURDER LIZARD after me and now you want me to fight the HAIR GOBLIN!?”
Steve starts shaking his head. He pulls the Hardcore Title off his shoulder and tries to hand it to Nausicaa.
“Nope. That’s cool. I’m good. I had a good run.”
Nausicaa doesn’t take the belt, instead she pushes it back to Steve.
“C’mon Steve. You were just starting up what could be a great reign. You can’t back out of it now.”
Steve doubled down.
“I can and I will. It was all fun and games when I was beating up losers and little girls from Japan, but these guys are scary and gross. Deuces.”
Steve shoves the title back towards Suzuki, throws up the peace sign and walks away. Nausicaa did the only thing she could do to get him to stop.
“You are the new face of Hardcore, aren’t you?”
She played to his ego. Steve stopped and sighed.
“Yeah I’ve said that once or twice, lately…”
Nausicaa walks up and places the hardcore title back on Steve’s shoulder.
“The new face of hardcore isn’t afraid.”
“Well I mean, I never said I was scared or anything I just-“
Steve trailed off a bit and Suzuki interrupted.
“And also, I’ll fine you a lot of money if you don’t show up.”
“You know what, fine! I’ll show you who isn’t scared when I bash that weird freak Primals head into the exploding barbed wire cage and the smell of burnt hair all over the At Hokkaido Sports Center! But only if you give me more security. I’m going to need it with that Freakazoid Jesse Jamester running around.”
Suzuki considers the proposal and then accepts.
“Sure. I’ll see what I can do.”
Steve nods his head and then slams a fist into his palm.
“Then at the Under Pressure pay per view…I’m going to comb Primals hairy ASS!”
Steve storms off.
He storms back.
“Not…not literally…that was supposed to be a metaphor…”
Suzuki nods.
“I got it.”
“Okay good!”
Steve storms off in the other direction as The CEO shakes her head.
~
STEVE AWESOME
This is “not” an advertisement….
“Well, well, welll…”
The Face of the Franchise and Hard(k)ore Champion of the world grins arrogantly.
“Look what the cat went and hacked up after retching and dry heaving for twenty minutes.”
“It’s the world's most hideous hair ball…”
“It’s Primal.”
He says with little to no enthusiasm.
“The Hairman of the board. The sinister Hair creature. The most ugly and terrible thing to look at this side of Jeffrey Viper.”
A cold shudder runs down the champs spine.
“God damn you are one ugly son of a bitch.”
Steve shakes his head in disgust.
“They really scraped the bottom of the barrel when they made you.”
Steve spits off to the side.
“But you're tough! Oh yeah you can really mess a person up….ya know….when you have a job. It’s nice to see you working again. I’d hate to be a customer at the market deli Primal works at because no company wants to book him. You just know the hair net on his head is just not enough.
He shudders again.
“But I get the routine, Primal. You are supposed to be a force to be reckoned with. Really hairy and scary. You are like if Cousin It did the fusion dance with a Machoke. And somehow more sweaty. I’ve seen you around. You are a real hardcore night”hair”…ha see what I did there?”
Steve takes a second to laugh at his own joke.
“But you don’t scare me.”
Steve gets serious again and his gaze from behind his sunglasses oozed confidence.
“You completely disgust me…”
He gives a small nod.
“But you don’t scare me.”
He shrugs.
“I'm sure you’ve been dwelling and lurking around deep in your hair goblin cave getting ready for this match. You know your hoard of hair and peoples nipples or whatever you have is getting low. Your hair goblin wife and your hair goblin kids all nagging at you.
“We want a SpongeBob Hairpants dvd, DAD!” The kids moaned. Then your wife walks up. “I think we should get couples Hairapy to try and save our hairiage.”
Steve does both a high pitched and feminine sounding goblin voice for the kids and wife.
“And I’m sure you're thinking that maybe, just maybe, if you can win the hardcore title then you can finally quit that crappy deli job, save your fledgling wrestling career, make your hair goblin kids happy and save your hair goblin marriage.”
Steve wipes away a fake tear.
“It would be a Hairacle!”
Steve sarcastically swells up with joy as he imagines it.
“Only problem is…”
Steve glares into the camera.
“I’m going to walk into the Sports Center and slap you so hard your full beard will turn into a fu Manchu!
The cocky grin returns.
“To me, you are just another name on a list. A list of so-called challengers that I’m going to continue to run through as I raise the Hardcore title to new heights. I’m taking on all comers and knocking them out as I go along. I hope that Japan likes the smell of burning hair because i'm about to fry up some hair burgers inside an exploding barbed wire cage!”
Steve stops and shudders at the idea of hair burgers.
“While you sit around waiting and hoarding nipples,
seriously I don’t know where I heard that rumor but it sounds right,
I’m out here every month putting in the work. And I’m going to show you why I’m the new face of HardKore when I send you back to the depths, titleless and nippleless.”
Steve crossed his arms.
“To me, you’re just a big hair clog in my bathtub. A really gross and disgusting inconvenience. But at Under Pressure, I’m the draino.
He nods his head.
“That’s right. And After I whip your hairy ass all over that cage I’m going to dissolve your hopes and dreams of becoming the hardcore champion just like draino dissolves whatever is clogging up your drain.
Steve steps forward to reveal a jug of Draino and a few smaller ones on display on a table.
“Seriously, just pour this stuff down a clogged drain and it will dissolve and eat away and hair, scum, and gross icky stuff that clogs a drain. And since Primal is literally all those things put together it’s the perfect analogy.”
He gives a thumbs up.
“So, this is your Hard(k)ore Champion of the World saying I’m gonna whip Primals hairy ass in Japan and be sure to use Draino for all your drain clogging needs.”
Steve pats the draino jug and then crotch chops.
Fade.