28-3 (XHF Tag Title Match)
Jun 15, 2023 6:51:31 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Jun 15, 2023 6:51:31 GMT -5
(Stately Donovan manor. Marty, fresh off the Hardkore World tour, steps inside the foyer. To his surprise, it is filled with balloons and a welcome banner. Ollie Oldham, wearing a Boston College football jersey, leaps into his arms and starts showering him in kisses.)
Ollie: MARTINI. How was the tour?
Marty: A huge marketing success! My Indiana Jones entrance is currently the top post on r/cringe. What’s all this?
Ollie: It’s nothing.
(Ollie leads Marty into the living room where on the TV plays a split screen video. The left half shows famous Boston sports highlights. The right side is just Bloodied Fox losses. Marty jaw drops as Tim Thomas lifts the Stanley Cup in sync with Florida Man raising the XHF Junior title.)
Marty: You went way overboard!
Ollie: Don't be ridiculous.
(She lifts a cloche off a tray to reveal an order of his beloved Red Robin. Marty sits down and chokes back tears.)
Marty: Olivia, this is...
(Marty’s eyes grow wide with fear and he leaps up.)
Marty: A trap! You’re buttering me up while I’m still jet lagged and concussed from Thigh Slapper Super Kicks. Next is some unreasonable request about a ceramics show, or farmers market or something else horrific.
Ollie: Sit down, I promise you there isn’t an unreasonable request behind this.
(Reluctantly, he sits and begins to eat. Ollie rests her head on his shoulder. For a moment they sit in content silence. On the screen, Kevin Garnett celebrates the NBA championship while Tommy Strychnine raises the Phoenix belt.)
Ollie: There is a reasonable request though.
(Marty sighs into his burger.)
Ollie: My dad is going through a bad midlife crisis. I mean real bad. He made this facebook poll to decide which deadly animal to hunt in Africa.
Marty: Cool, what’s in the lead? The hippo? People don’t know how dangerous they are.
Ollie: You're missing the point. I don’t want his face getting mauled off in Zimbabwe.
Marty: So you need me to bribe Animal Kingdom into letting him kill one of their hippos.
Ollie: No, stop talking about hippos! Listen, I realize this is a big ask, but I want you to give my dad a call…
Marty: That’s it? Sure, is your phone not charged?
Ollie: …and plan a guy’s night out.
(Marty starts to thrash on the couch, as if drowning. Ollie puts her arms around the terrified wrestler, rocking him.)
Ollie: You’re fine. Eat a french fry. Look at Paul Pierce. I’m here. Everything’s fine.
Marty: ALONE with Freakin Deacon! Were you not able to arrange a playdate with Zoran?
Ollie: He needs to feel included and useful. Just say you’d like to do some Seal training for the next Hardkore World match. It would give him a purpose again and help repair your relationship.
(Marty mulls it over for a moment. On the TV, the New York Yankees are shell shocked from blowing a 3 game lead against the Boston Red Sox, the most embarrassing result in sports' history until 2020 when Keith Williams won the AWF Prestige Championship. Marty grabs his phone and stands up.)
Ollie: XHF’s #1 Babyface.
Marty: I’m actually starting to believe that.
(Marty steps outside by the pool and sends a facetime. Deacon frantically answers.)
Deacon: What happened to her?!?
Marty: Huh? No, everybody is alright. I just called to say hi.
(Deacon looks at Marty with a mixture of confusion and horror for a beat before hanging up. The Disney spokesperson curses under the breath, but sends another request.)
Deacon: Leave me alone.
Marty: I’m going to be in your neck of the woods next week and was curious if we could grab a beer?
Deacon: Am I being recorded for the unpractical jesters?
Marty: No, I have to train for a dog collar match. It’s going to be war inside that cage and I’d love to pick the brain of a former Navy seal.
(Deacon laughs in Marty’s face.)
Deacon: A dog collar match! Is little Marty scared that he’ll get fleas from the other chihuahua?
Marty: It’s not actually dogs. I’m chained to a deadly man, specifically an Arby's spokesperson.
Deacon: There are no deadly men in wrestling. There are no men. If there were you never would have lasted a day.
Marty: Get real. Wrestlers are the baddest dudes on the planet. Your precious Seal team Six wouldn’t stand a chance against Aces & Eights.
Deacon: Even in my retirement, I could kick any of your asses.
Marty: Prove it! There’s a tag team championship match at the Sippy Cup. I will gladly sign us up and stand on the apron while you get embarrassed.
Deacon: I won’t break a sweat.
Marty: You’re so out of your depth here. This match has four of the shittiest wrestlers in history competing and they will all run circles around you. Have you seen Off The Wagon? They’re community college dropouts that record these painfully unfunny sake commercials. I can’t wait to watch you tap out to someone in an emo vest.
Deacon: Not a chance.
Marty: Then there is Big Bones, emphasis on big. He looks like if the Goodyear blimp had a baby with Spirit Halloween. The old guy just lumbers around giving sage advice to his fellow teammates. Even he is out of your league. Guy will probably enjoy a crunchwrap supreme while he has you in a leglock.
Deacon: I am going to turn him into the Hindenburg.
Marty: Finally, the cringiest of them all, Dino Bones! He’s this corny Robosaurus they bring out to scare the crowd. I had to make him spit out a Princess Leia cosplayer at the last GUNS show. Are you ready for that level of embarrassment? Being swung through the air while some ten year old from the robotics club, with a remote control, snickers in the back?
Deacon: I look forward to adding a Dinosaur skull to my trophy room.
Marty: I can’t wait for you to embarrass yourself out there. You’ll be begging for my help. Training starts on Monday.
Deacon: 0500 hours.
Marty: O300 hours.
Deacon: There’s no way you can train at 0300 hours.
Marty: ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT IS!
(Marty slams the end call button and heads back inside. On the television, the Patriots are down 28-3 in the Super Bowl while Peter Cain battles in a Denny’s.)
Ollie: How did it go?
Marty: Great! I am going to see him on Monday.
(She wraps Marty up in a hug.)
Ollie: You’re the greatest! Is he excited to help with your training?
Marty: Actually, he’s excited for his own training. We’re going to be competing for the XHF tag titles.
(The color drains from her face.)
Ollie: Martin, you realize how nervous wrestling makes me?
Marty: Yes, but I won’t be in harm's way alone. This time you can relax.
Ollie: Because my middle aged father will also be in harm’s way?
Marty: Exactly. You want to know the best part? It’s the same day as the Sippy Cup. How inspiring is that? The two men you love will be valiantly shedding blood minutes before the most important race of your life!
(Unable to speak, Ollie picks up the plate of Red Robin.)
Marty: You reheating that?
(She turns off the TV.)
Marty: What’s wrong? Oh, the game? Don’t worry that it’s 28-3.
(Ollie storms out of the room without a word.)
Marty: Relax, the Patriots come back! Tom Brady is the GOAT!
(The shot fades out on a confused Marty.)
Ollie: MARTINI. How was the tour?
Marty: A huge marketing success! My Indiana Jones entrance is currently the top post on r/cringe. What’s all this?
Ollie: It’s nothing.
(Ollie leads Marty into the living room where on the TV plays a split screen video. The left half shows famous Boston sports highlights. The right side is just Bloodied Fox losses. Marty jaw drops as Tim Thomas lifts the Stanley Cup in sync with Florida Man raising the XHF Junior title.)
Marty: You went way overboard!
Ollie: Don't be ridiculous.
(She lifts a cloche off a tray to reveal an order of his beloved Red Robin. Marty sits down and chokes back tears.)
Marty: Olivia, this is...
(Marty’s eyes grow wide with fear and he leaps up.)
Marty: A trap! You’re buttering me up while I’m still jet lagged and concussed from Thigh Slapper Super Kicks. Next is some unreasonable request about a ceramics show, or farmers market or something else horrific.
Ollie: Sit down, I promise you there isn’t an unreasonable request behind this.
(Reluctantly, he sits and begins to eat. Ollie rests her head on his shoulder. For a moment they sit in content silence. On the screen, Kevin Garnett celebrates the NBA championship while Tommy Strychnine raises the Phoenix belt.)
Ollie: There is a reasonable request though.
(Marty sighs into his burger.)
Ollie: My dad is going through a bad midlife crisis. I mean real bad. He made this facebook poll to decide which deadly animal to hunt in Africa.
Marty: Cool, what’s in the lead? The hippo? People don’t know how dangerous they are.
Ollie: You're missing the point. I don’t want his face getting mauled off in Zimbabwe.
Marty: So you need me to bribe Animal Kingdom into letting him kill one of their hippos.
Ollie: No, stop talking about hippos! Listen, I realize this is a big ask, but I want you to give my dad a call…
Marty: That’s it? Sure, is your phone not charged?
Ollie: …and plan a guy’s night out.
(Marty starts to thrash on the couch, as if drowning. Ollie puts her arms around the terrified wrestler, rocking him.)
Ollie: You’re fine. Eat a french fry. Look at Paul Pierce. I’m here. Everything’s fine.
Marty: ALONE with Freakin Deacon! Were you not able to arrange a playdate with Zoran?
Ollie: He needs to feel included and useful. Just say you’d like to do some Seal training for the next Hardkore World match. It would give him a purpose again and help repair your relationship.
(Marty mulls it over for a moment. On the TV, the New York Yankees are shell shocked from blowing a 3 game lead against the Boston Red Sox, the most embarrassing result in sports' history until 2020 when Keith Williams won the AWF Prestige Championship. Marty grabs his phone and stands up.)
Ollie: XHF’s #1 Babyface.
Marty: I’m actually starting to believe that.
(Marty steps outside by the pool and sends a facetime. Deacon frantically answers.)
Deacon: What happened to her?!?
Marty: Huh? No, everybody is alright. I just called to say hi.
(Deacon looks at Marty with a mixture of confusion and horror for a beat before hanging up. The Disney spokesperson curses under the breath, but sends another request.)
Deacon: Leave me alone.
Marty: I’m going to be in your neck of the woods next week and was curious if we could grab a beer?
Deacon: Am I being recorded for the unpractical jesters?
Marty: No, I have to train for a dog collar match. It’s going to be war inside that cage and I’d love to pick the brain of a former Navy seal.
(Deacon laughs in Marty’s face.)
Deacon: A dog collar match! Is little Marty scared that he’ll get fleas from the other chihuahua?
Marty: It’s not actually dogs. I’m chained to a deadly man, specifically an Arby's spokesperson.
Deacon: There are no deadly men in wrestling. There are no men. If there were you never would have lasted a day.
Marty: Get real. Wrestlers are the baddest dudes on the planet. Your precious Seal team Six wouldn’t stand a chance against Aces & Eights.
Deacon: Even in my retirement, I could kick any of your asses.
Marty: Prove it! There’s a tag team championship match at the Sippy Cup. I will gladly sign us up and stand on the apron while you get embarrassed.
Deacon: I won’t break a sweat.
Marty: You’re so out of your depth here. This match has four of the shittiest wrestlers in history competing and they will all run circles around you. Have you seen Off The Wagon? They’re community college dropouts that record these painfully unfunny sake commercials. I can’t wait to watch you tap out to someone in an emo vest.
Deacon: Not a chance.
Marty: Then there is Big Bones, emphasis on big. He looks like if the Goodyear blimp had a baby with Spirit Halloween. The old guy just lumbers around giving sage advice to his fellow teammates. Even he is out of your league. Guy will probably enjoy a crunchwrap supreme while he has you in a leglock.
Deacon: I am going to turn him into the Hindenburg.
Marty: Finally, the cringiest of them all, Dino Bones! He’s this corny Robosaurus they bring out to scare the crowd. I had to make him spit out a Princess Leia cosplayer at the last GUNS show. Are you ready for that level of embarrassment? Being swung through the air while some ten year old from the robotics club, with a remote control, snickers in the back?
Deacon: I look forward to adding a Dinosaur skull to my trophy room.
Marty: I can’t wait for you to embarrass yourself out there. You’ll be begging for my help. Training starts on Monday.
Deacon: 0500 hours.
Marty: O300 hours.
Deacon: There’s no way you can train at 0300 hours.
Marty: ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT IS!
(Marty slams the end call button and heads back inside. On the television, the Patriots are down 28-3 in the Super Bowl while Peter Cain battles in a Denny’s.)
Ollie: How did it go?
Marty: Great! I am going to see him on Monday.
(She wraps Marty up in a hug.)
Ollie: You’re the greatest! Is he excited to help with your training?
Marty: Actually, he’s excited for his own training. We’re going to be competing for the XHF tag titles.
(The color drains from her face.)
Ollie: Martin, you realize how nervous wrestling makes me?
Marty: Yes, but I won’t be in harm's way alone. This time you can relax.
Ollie: Because my middle aged father will also be in harm’s way?
Marty: Exactly. You want to know the best part? It’s the same day as the Sippy Cup. How inspiring is that? The two men you love will be valiantly shedding blood minutes before the most important race of your life!
(Unable to speak, Ollie picks up the plate of Red Robin.)
Marty: You reheating that?
(She turns off the TV.)
Marty: What’s wrong? Oh, the game? Don’t worry that it’s 28-3.
(Ollie storms out of the room without a word.)
Marty: Relax, the Patriots come back! Tom Brady is the GOAT!
(The shot fades out on a confused Marty.)