Assorted thoughts on awful promos. (XHF Tag Titles)
Jun 18, 2023 20:47:36 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, bloodiedfox, and 2 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Jun 18, 2023 20:47:36 GMT -5
( White Fish, Montana. We see a fancy ranch home in front of a scenic mountain. Marty Donovan, carrying a box of expensive cigars, knocks on the front door. Deacon Oldham,wearing military fatigues and camouflage face paint for some reason, opens the door. He freaks out.)
Deacon: No! Absolutely not! I will fight for communist China before you get permission to marry my daughter!
Marty: What? Mr.Oldham, I’m just here so we can prepare for the tag title match. Remember?
(The veterans let out the biggest sigh of relief and sits down on the front steps.)
Deacon: Oh, praise the lord. Sorry, you nervously standing at my front door has been a recurring nightmare for awhile.
Marty: Glad we got to do a dry run of that. Why are you dressed like GI Bro?
Deacon: This is my wrestling attire.
Marty: Absolutely not. Relax, I brought you some gear.
(Deacon gives Marty a confused look.)
(We see Marty Donovan looking over movie storyboards taped to a wall. The drawings on them seem to show a commercial similar to the one Super Sake recorder earlier.)
Marty: Randy, I can tell this is your first rodeo as a wrestler/ spokesperson, so I'm going to take it easy on you. I believe we’re both kindred spirits in some ways. Neither of us are likely to ever shoot your standard wrestling promo. We let the Cross Recobas of the world be boring, reading back their opponents Wikipedia histories to them. No, you and I strive for originality. However, there seems to be one lesson I learned that you’re still struggling with.
(Marty makes a few changes to one of the storyboards with a red marker before returning to the camera.)
Marty: If you're going to focus your promo on something other than your opponent, try to be even slightly entertaining.
(Mark shakes his head in disbelief.)
Marty: Good lord, what was that video? The only funeral that needs planning is for your soon to be deceased sponsorship deal. Let me punch it up for you. Normally, I’d charge for this kind of thing, but you’re so pathetic.
(Marty thinks for thirty seconds.)
Marty: First, imply that drunk driving is rampant because bars won't stop showing your opponents' terrible matches. Next, when the MADD lady magically turns hot, her shirt will read MOMMY’S AMAZING DOUBLE D'S. At the end of the commercial, the dead guy opens the casket and proclaims that Super Sake is his favorite stiff drink. You close by explaining there are no laws against drinking and piledriving and let all the challengers for your belts know they’re in for a boozed infused beatdown.
(Marty smiles.)
Marty: Did you see that? It took like thirty seconds of effort, but I wrote a good version of your commercial. You can shoot it for free. Knock yourself out, kid. It is the least I can do considering you’re about to lose your championship in a freaking cake match. Your belt will be held up by “Scrawny McDisney” while you lay in a pile of vomit and frosting. I can’t imagine the marketing department in Tokyo will be too pleased with that.
(We see Marty sitting at a table in a board game cafe. In front of him is a set up copy of Monopoly.)
Marty: Quake! I feel for you, good brother. I know what a life on the road is like. The towns and crowds all look the same. Let me get you up to speed. Yes, there is a giant cake in this match. No, you won’t be fighting CARs, skeletons, or Disney characters. What you do have to contend with, besides an incredibly unfunny tag partner, are two real men. You’ve got a former Seal team six member and multiple time world champion coming for your crown. The Monopoly gimmick is cute, but you didn’t think it out all the way. You can own all the land on the board, but it's just a child’s game. At some point, father is going to come into the room and tell you to pack it up.
(Marty leans towards the camera.)
Marty: It’s time to pack it up, son.
(Marty begins to put the game away.)
Marty: Put away the colorful hotels, wad of cash and deeds. They were just part of the pretend empire anyway. It’s time to put the cover on the box and glance at real power for once.
(The camera zooms in on the game’s box art.)
(We see a furious Marty sitting in Deacon’s living room with an Encanto Spanish/ English dictionary.)
Marty: I have a big bone to pick with a certain luchador. It took me three hours of research, but I figured out what “Olivia, llámame, hermosa dama” means. Flirting with the daughter/ girlfriend of your opponents is the absolute definition of…
(Marty flips through the dictionary searching for the word.It takes ten minutes too long.)
Marty: Estupido! Biggie, I’m going to punch you in your fat throat. Next, I’m going to rip that XXXL David S. Pumpkin cosplay off your body and roll you through the cake. We’ll see how loyal that tag partner of yours is when he’s looking at the world’s biggest tres leches. How dare you imply that I am an inferior lover. Trust me, if Ollie was here she would tell you…
(Deacon, still wearing war paint, walks into frame. Marty stops talking.)
Deacon: Finish that sentence.
Marty:...that it would be impossible for her to give an opinion on the subject. We’ve never even held hands.
(The shot changes to an empty white void. Marty stands in the middle disappointed.)
Marty: This is where I would have had a segment on Dino Bones, but he’s MIA. Maybe the middle school robotics geek that made him got grounded? Perhaps a rival wrestling promotion lured him away with the first ever meatpie match? Personally, I just don’t think his heart is in this stuff anymore.
(Hardkore World legend Kiroy Evans walks into frame.)
Kilroy: Hey man, empty void promos are my gimmick!
Marty: Oh, you just ripped off that Weezer video.
(We see Marty Donovan in a barcade playing a Street Fighter II cabinet.)
Marty: It’s time to talk about Quake. Yes, I did already, but I figured he merited some extra attention since all our other opponents either no-showed or should have no-showed. I enjoyed the Street Fighter reference. You made short work of that guy's car. Keep in mind that was just a bonus stage. The car didn’t punch back. You’re facing the XHF’s TRUE FINAL BOSS now and there aren’t any cheat codes. Even if you somehow button mash past me, then it’s time for the secret character. It doesn’t matter if you’re Quake I, II, or Champions. My loyal student will seek revenge and ensure your DOOM.
(Marty walks away from the cabinet and the camera zooms in on the continue screen.)
(The shot changes to inside Deacon’s home. Marty is wearing just his speedo with the Disney + logo and holding an Olaf winter sock. A livid Deacon walks out in a matching speedo with a sock in the front.)
Deacon: You can’t expect me to wrestle in this!
Marty: It just looks bad because we used too thick a sock. Nobody will believe you have a package like that. A smaller one will be fine.
Deacon: I didn’t use the sock. It has a wimpy snowman on it.
Marty: Ha ha. You’re a real comedian.
(Deacon grabs the sock off the counter and hands it to a shocked Marty. The Disney spokesperson looks down at Deacon and suddenly feels completely inadequate.)
Marty: You know, the most important thing in wrestling is authenticity. You should wear your Military stuff.
(The shot fades out on Marty’s shattered self-esteem.)
Deacon: No! Absolutely not! I will fight for communist China before you get permission to marry my daughter!
Marty: What? Mr.Oldham, I’m just here so we can prepare for the tag title match. Remember?
(The veterans let out the biggest sigh of relief and sits down on the front steps.)
Deacon: Oh, praise the lord. Sorry, you nervously standing at my front door has been a recurring nightmare for awhile.
Marty: Glad we got to do a dry run of that. Why are you dressed like GI Bro?
Deacon: This is my wrestling attire.
Marty: Absolutely not. Relax, I brought you some gear.
(Deacon gives Marty a confused look.)
(We see Marty Donovan looking over movie storyboards taped to a wall. The drawings on them seem to show a commercial similar to the one Super Sake recorder earlier.)
Marty: Randy, I can tell this is your first rodeo as a wrestler/ spokesperson, so I'm going to take it easy on you. I believe we’re both kindred spirits in some ways. Neither of us are likely to ever shoot your standard wrestling promo. We let the Cross Recobas of the world be boring, reading back their opponents Wikipedia histories to them. No, you and I strive for originality. However, there seems to be one lesson I learned that you’re still struggling with.
(Marty makes a few changes to one of the storyboards with a red marker before returning to the camera.)
Marty: If you're going to focus your promo on something other than your opponent, try to be even slightly entertaining.
(Mark shakes his head in disbelief.)
Marty: Good lord, what was that video? The only funeral that needs planning is for your soon to be deceased sponsorship deal. Let me punch it up for you. Normally, I’d charge for this kind of thing, but you’re so pathetic.
(Marty thinks for thirty seconds.)
Marty: First, imply that drunk driving is rampant because bars won't stop showing your opponents' terrible matches. Next, when the MADD lady magically turns hot, her shirt will read MOMMY’S AMAZING DOUBLE D'S. At the end of the commercial, the dead guy opens the casket and proclaims that Super Sake is his favorite stiff drink. You close by explaining there are no laws against drinking and piledriving and let all the challengers for your belts know they’re in for a boozed infused beatdown.
(Marty smiles.)
Marty: Did you see that? It took like thirty seconds of effort, but I wrote a good version of your commercial. You can shoot it for free. Knock yourself out, kid. It is the least I can do considering you’re about to lose your championship in a freaking cake match. Your belt will be held up by “Scrawny McDisney” while you lay in a pile of vomit and frosting. I can’t imagine the marketing department in Tokyo will be too pleased with that.
(We see Marty sitting at a table in a board game cafe. In front of him is a set up copy of Monopoly.)
Marty: Quake! I feel for you, good brother. I know what a life on the road is like. The towns and crowds all look the same. Let me get you up to speed. Yes, there is a giant cake in this match. No, you won’t be fighting CARs, skeletons, or Disney characters. What you do have to contend with, besides an incredibly unfunny tag partner, are two real men. You’ve got a former Seal team six member and multiple time world champion coming for your crown. The Monopoly gimmick is cute, but you didn’t think it out all the way. You can own all the land on the board, but it's just a child’s game. At some point, father is going to come into the room and tell you to pack it up.
(Marty leans towards the camera.)
Marty: It’s time to pack it up, son.
(Marty begins to put the game away.)
Marty: Put away the colorful hotels, wad of cash and deeds. They were just part of the pretend empire anyway. It’s time to put the cover on the box and glance at real power for once.
(The camera zooms in on the game’s box art.)
(We see a furious Marty sitting in Deacon’s living room with an Encanto Spanish/ English dictionary.)
Marty: I have a big bone to pick with a certain luchador. It took me three hours of research, but I figured out what “Olivia, llámame, hermosa dama” means. Flirting with the daughter/ girlfriend of your opponents is the absolute definition of…
(Marty flips through the dictionary searching for the word.It takes ten minutes too long.)
Marty: Estupido! Biggie, I’m going to punch you in your fat throat. Next, I’m going to rip that XXXL David S. Pumpkin cosplay off your body and roll you through the cake. We’ll see how loyal that tag partner of yours is when he’s looking at the world’s biggest tres leches. How dare you imply that I am an inferior lover. Trust me, if Ollie was here she would tell you…
(Deacon, still wearing war paint, walks into frame. Marty stops talking.)
Deacon: Finish that sentence.
Marty:...that it would be impossible for her to give an opinion on the subject. We’ve never even held hands.
(The shot changes to an empty white void. Marty stands in the middle disappointed.)
Marty: This is where I would have had a segment on Dino Bones, but he’s MIA. Maybe the middle school robotics geek that made him got grounded? Perhaps a rival wrestling promotion lured him away with the first ever meatpie match? Personally, I just don’t think his heart is in this stuff anymore.
(Hardkore World legend Kiroy Evans walks into frame.)
Kilroy: Hey man, empty void promos are my gimmick!
Marty: Oh, you just ripped off that Weezer video.
(We see Marty Donovan in a barcade playing a Street Fighter II cabinet.)
Marty: It’s time to talk about Quake. Yes, I did already, but I figured he merited some extra attention since all our other opponents either no-showed or should have no-showed. I enjoyed the Street Fighter reference. You made short work of that guy's car. Keep in mind that was just a bonus stage. The car didn’t punch back. You’re facing the XHF’s TRUE FINAL BOSS now and there aren’t any cheat codes. Even if you somehow button mash past me, then it’s time for the secret character. It doesn’t matter if you’re Quake I, II, or Champions. My loyal student will seek revenge and ensure your DOOM.
(Marty walks away from the cabinet and the camera zooms in on the continue screen.)
(The shot changes to inside Deacon’s home. Marty is wearing just his speedo with the Disney + logo and holding an Olaf winter sock. A livid Deacon walks out in a matching speedo with a sock in the front.)
Deacon: You can’t expect me to wrestle in this!
Marty: It just looks bad because we used too thick a sock. Nobody will believe you have a package like that. A smaller one will be fine.
Deacon: I didn’t use the sock. It has a wimpy snowman on it.
Marty: Ha ha. You’re a real comedian.
(Deacon grabs the sock off the counter and hands it to a shocked Marty. The Disney spokesperson looks down at Deacon and suddenly feels completely inadequate.)
Marty: You know, the most important thing in wrestling is authenticity. You should wear your Military stuff.
(The shot fades out on Marty’s shattered self-esteem.)