Gun Show s4e8: El Rey Birthday Spectacular
Jun 25, 2023 0:15:27 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Jun 25, 2023 0:15:27 GMT -5
”Where are you taking me?”
We open on Venom leading his son, El Rey, blindfolded to an overlook. Venom takes a long look before turning back to his son.
El Rey: Are you making me compete in a blindfold match? If so, I’m not putting my XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship on the line in a blindfold match.
Venom: No. It’s your birthday, I’m not making you wrestle. You’re off until the finale. Instead, because it’s your birthday, and because the arena might fall into the Earth, I set up something special.
Venom takes the blindfold off of his son and stands next to him and from the overlook they see a makeshift ring and stands right in the middle of the Hogwarts Hogsmede section.
El Rey: Wow, what is it?
Venom: It’s the Gun Show, LIVE from Universal Studios Orlando!
The cameras pan around the screaming Universal Studios crowd. Fans are holding up signs that read “Bloodied Fox isn’t the first gryffindor to turn bad,” “Blobby for next DreamWorks star,” and “I came for the rides, but I’ll settle for Tom Phillips.” The last one is held by an attractive older woman sitting ringside. We don’t cut to the announcers table as normal, instead, we cut to the entrance where Magnus is being brought out on a throne carried by all of the Streaming Wars stars. Meanwhile, Tom Phillips has run down to ringside to speak with the lady with the sign. Soon the throne is set down near the announcers table and Magnus steps off and takes his seat and soon Tom joins him with lipstick on his cheek.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We are live from Universal Studios in Orlando.
Magnus: For El Rey’s birthday Spectacular!
Phillips:Not at all because the Atlanta government said if we don’t fix that hole they’ll condemn the arena.
Magnus: Shut up Tom and wipe that lipstick off your face.
Phillips: That’s not the only place I’ll have lipstick by the end of the night if you know what I mean.
Magnus: Dear God, I don’t want to know. Cut to our first segment.
We cut and the color drains from the shot as a title forms on-screen.
THE KEYSTONE FLOP
We dissolve to an office. A London Fog-style coat hangs on a coat stand in the corner by the door. A man with a fedora slanted over his face sleeps in a chair, his feet on the desk in front of him.
Voiceover: It was the usual GUNS taping, I was waiting for a call I knew wouldn’t come. One line and an elimination by BEEF left me in a precarious situation. One more show in the season and I was struggling to renew my SAG card. No retainer for the non-booked, we made our way in the fringes of society and while I didn’t have the money to fly to a country of non-extradition to film with Roman and definitely not enough to bribe Steve Awesome for an introduction to James Gunn, I could dream.
The door flies open and standing in the frame of the entrance is Sylvia Starr.
Voiceover: I never dreamed a dame like her was about to make my night far worse than babysitting Tinto…
Sylvia Starr: Are you Harrington Heart?
Harrington Heart: I am…
Sylvia Starr: Someone said you’re a detective but I didn’t believe them, aren’t you the guy who tries to take home the catering every show?
Harrington Heart (VO): She had intuition…I didn’t like that. I didn’t like how she slunk through the door and into the chair opposite me like a serpent with their eyes on the prize.
Harrington Heart: I'm a licensed private investigator and have been a while. I'm a lone wolf, unmarried, getting middle aged, and not rich. I've been in jail more than once and don't do divorce business. I like liquor and women and chess and a few other things. The cops don't like me too well, but I know a couple I get along with. I'm a native son, born in Atlanta, both parents dead, no brothers and sisters, and when I get knocked off in a dark alley sometime if it happens, as it could to anyone in my business, nobody will feel the bottom has dropped out his or her life…but what can I do for you, Toots?
Sylvia Starr: We have an issue. Magnus doesn’t know it yet but with the over the top high-spots in the ring and irreverent characters on our roster, we’re on the verge of being classified as a Circus Company and not a wrestling promotion! Mongo won’t make our taxes go away if we’re not in wrestling!
Harrington Heart: But what about CAR? That’s not wrestling…
Sylvia Starr: The Angry Mad Chemists deal with the Inland Revenue, who do we have that will help?
Harrington Heart: I’m not a lawyer, sweetheart…
Sylvia Starr: I need you to find something that could save us…
Harrington Heart (VO): We had title belts, we had a ring, what was this goofy broad after?
Sylvia Starr: I need you to find a piece of art…The Rest Hold….
Harrington Heart (VO): I took a deep-breath, anyone who’d seen me wrestle…well, there were less of them than Titanic Submarine Pilots and my lot were dwindling quicker than them….
Harrington Heart: I don’t know, you’re berries’n’all but I could be out there tonight getting squashed by a kid with a fouler mouth than a Sailor and Lord knows I need the money…
Sylvia flashes a fat money clip.
Sylvia Starr: If you can help, I’m sure I can make sure the right Presidents know…
Starr stands up and walks to the door. She looks over her shoulder.
Sylvia Starr: Think about it, Hot Shot…
Harrington Heart (VO): She knew what she was doing as she walked out that door and the trade for compromising pictures of Anthony Caffrey was finally dying out. She had me over a barrel and she knew it…
The scene fades out in a puff of cigar smoke.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: You don’t know?
Magnus: Why would I know?
Phillips:Because you’re in charge!
Magnus:: Like that means anything.
Phillips: Let’s move on to our first match.
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to their corner as they await the bell.
Magnus: There time has come. I am guaranteeing my team will become new champions tonight.
Phillips: Are you really guaranteeing against your co-owners?
Magnus: As long as they don’t know it.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Phillips: I know you’re confident, but I can’t see a way I’d bet against the Guns.
Magnus: That’s because you don’t see like I see Tom.
Phillips: What’s that mean.
Magnus: It means you see like an announcer Tom, and I see like an owner. CBB as champs is what’s best for business.
Blobby stands in his corner ready to start for his team. Noel whispers into Blobby’s, uh, head side? Meanwhile, in the opposing corner Venom and Mueller play rock, paper, scissors to decide who starts. Mueller wins, or loses, I don’t know, but he gets to start with the pastel monstrosity. Mueller turns to Blobby while Venom steps out onto the ropes. As Venom steps out onto the apron something catches his eye. He drops off the apron and approaches someone at ringside. Mueller turns his back on Blobby and begins trying to get his partners attention.
Phillips: What is going on?
Magnus: Venom appears to be distracted by someone.
Phillips: You think it’s the face wrapped man who attacked El Combatiente at the last J-Rok show?
Magnus: Don’t be silly Tom. No one watches J-Rok.
While Venom is arguing with a fan Blobby runs full speed and crashes into Mueller. Mueller’s head hits the top turnbuckle hard and he stumbles back into the awaiting arms of Blobby. Blobby grabs Mueller by the waist and tosses him with a release German suplex. Blobby moves over to his corner for a tag, but Noel instead directs Blobby to step on the second rope. Noel makes the blind tag as Blobby flies off and nails Mueller with a big splash! Noel moves in and pushes Blobby off to make the cover. Venom turns to run in the ring, but the fan he was arguing with grabs him by the shoulder. 1…2…3!
Sylvia Starr: Your winners and NEW GUNS tag team Champions, the Crinkley Bottom BOOOOOOOOYS!
Magnus: They did it. I told you.
Phillips: You’re right, but there’s still something going on.
Venom pulls the fan out of the crowd and it is indeed the same face wrapped man from J-Rok that attacked El Combatiente. They begin brawling at ringside as in the ring Noel is holding both tag belts while on Blobby’s shoulders celebrating like England just won the World Cup.
Magnus: What an amazing celebration that’s being ruined by these two idiots brawling. Let’s cut to another weird segment.
Phillips: I thought you didn’t know what those were.
Magnus: Just cut.
Once more we fade to black and white via Cigar Smoke to backstage.
Harrington Heart (VO): The night was wearing on and I still hadn’t got the call from Magnus. No-one needed a pick-me-up and after some research I found out that the last sighting of a Master of the Rest Hold was when Mongo was still active. That guy could make a wristlock last longer than a Magnum Gobstopper and he knew it. But Mongo didn’t return my calls…ever. That left me little choice if I wanted to avoid being in Al Jabroni’s next feature but to try and locate the Art of the Rest Hold. My first stop was easy…
Rival Recruiter Osawa is seen chewing gum against a wall. Harrington pins him against the wall.
Harrington Heart: Tell me everything you know about rest hold now. It was you, wasn’t it? You wanted to improve the highlight reels for the JROK Owner, didn’t you…
Osawa flinches.
Harrington Heart: DIDN’T YOU!!!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Hardly. We don’t need more spot monkeys and freaks from here…we’ve got Brendan Harding and Florida Man for that. We need more people like CJ Walker or Dylan Black…just less bomby…why do you think STRiFE disappeared?
Harrington pauses for a moment.
Harrington Heart: You’ve got a point there….
Releasing Osawa, Heart spots his next suspect. He sneaks up behind him.
Harrington Heart: Not even hiding it with your name are you…ATV Bandit!
The ATV Bandit turns around, surprised.
ATV Bandit: What?
Harrington Heart: You stole the art of the rest hold…
ATV Bandit: Do you think I’d really do that? Just look…
The Zamboni Bandit is on the phone and apparently on hold. ‘The Hockey Song’ by Stompin’ Tom Connors can be heard playing ad infinitum.
ATV Bandit: He thinks he’s on the phone to the Montreal Forum for a spot in the reboot of The Mighty Ducks as the Zamboni Driver but he’s an idiot because…
Harrington Heart: Daniel Day-Lewis has been working there for five years as the Zamboni driver for exactly this role!
ATV Bandit: Exactly! But that means he can’t see this!
The ATV Bandit points to a ramp perilously set-up over the Zamboni.
ATV Bandit: This’ll get me a regular spot on Season 5 of GUNS, just you watch! Nothing can stop me!
Harrington Heart: Except that…
Heart points to Assistant Zamboni Bandit who mimes driving a Zamboni before pointing at the ATV Bandit and mimicking slitting the throat of the All-Terrain enthusiast.
ATV Bandit: He wants me to do it…
Harrington Heart: Any idea where my next lead is?
ATV Bandit: Nope, I’m sure you’ll find it in a match or two…
We cut back to the ring where Venom stands alone with a mic in his hand. He is seething in anger and when he sees the camera is on him he snarls as he speaks.
Venom: El Combatiente. You have been a thorn in my side since you came back from obscurity.
Venom begins to pace across the ring before he pulls out an El Combatiente mask from his tights.
Magnus: Eww.
Phillips: I knew Venom was El Combatiente again.
Venom: You want this back right? You want to get rid of those bandages? You’re going to have to fight me to get it. On my turf. On my terms.
Magnus: Who does he think he is making matches for my show.
Phillips: Co-Owner and founder.
Magnus: Ugh.
Venom: I’m going to have this mask strapped to the top of GUNS arena. It’ll be hanging there all the way at the top. And the only way to get to it is going to be in a staple of the XHF…the Tower Match.
The crowd pops for the big time match that hasn’t been seen in years. Venom slams down the mic and exits the ring.
Magnus: Uh, I’m not sure our insurance will cover this.
Phillips: Especially after we had to fill that crazy hole.
Magnus: Ugh, cut to another segment while we clear this up.
Another cigar smoke transition backstage in black and white.
Harrington Heart (VO): I HAD to find the Art of the Rest Hold, it had consumed me. Made me think of nothing else because with out it? I’d be as eligible for SAG as Tori Spelling by the time the season ended and Season 5? I’d be lucky to be the guy who feeds the guy who is fed to Dino Bones on his show! It was like a monkey on my back, which was inconvenient because that wasn’t the only monkey on my back…
MöNGöNüTS is enthusiastically humping the shoulder of Harrington Heart as he looks down the corridor for his next lead.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: Shoe shine, guv’nor?
Harrington Heart (VO): Great, a kid is going further back to genre-shame me…
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: I hear you need some information. Show me a C-Note and i’ll polish your shoes whilst I tell you all you need to know!
Harrington Heart (VO): He was chipper…to chipper. I’d let him have enough rope to hang himself.
Heart sits in the shoe-shine chair and puts his feet on the box.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: It’s simple. Who has had the single largest influence on professional wrestling? The Jap-
Harrington Heart: Japanese culture. All moves named after anime and cosplaying outfits. It’s the Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology’s fault! BRING ME THE HEAD OF KEIKO NAGAOKA NOW!!! WHERE IS HE? IS THIS ALL FOR THE END OF SEASON FLEX?
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe looks perplexed.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: No…
Heart’s eyes narrow.
Harrington Heart: Wait a minute. It was you wasn’t it! You saw how Tinto became a star and got jealous! You want to be the 1985 Mickey Rooney of GUNS! All this shoe-shining? It’s just a front to get to Magnus but he didn’t care, he wears sneakers and doesn’t need a shoe-shine boy but you don’t care now! You stole the rest hold!!
Heart throttles the kid and starts to wail on him.
Harrington Heart: They call you the Shoe Shine Syko! Tell me what you know or I’ll make you watch The Best of the Bastards on repeat and spoiler alert, there are no best bits!! It’s all dross!!
Stagehands peel Harrington off Monroe as we fade back to color.
Darkness.
“uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”
Marty Donovan has the kind of groan that suggests he’s about to vow to never drink again. Or is he still drunk? He can’t see anything. Is he blind drunk? What a way to lose one’s- no wait, a door handle.
The broom closet door opens, letting light pour into his five star hotel even as empty liquor bottles spill out into the hallway.
“Yo, ain’t no call to be torturing us with the sun.”
Marty Donovan: Oh I’m sorry-
Wait a minute.
Marty Donovan: WAIT A MINUTE- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
Disney’s Own kicks the door back fully, introducing a very hung over Epcot Mafia to the light. Gazoo hisses and threatens to spit, while Florida Man kicks blindly hoping to break Marty’s leg for this indiscretion.
Florida Man: No need to read the riot act buuuuuuuuuddy, we just partied like it was 1999.
Marty Donovan (swaying like he’s going to throw up): In what world would I party with you?
Florida Man: I might not have been wearing the mask when we started.
Marty Donovan: I don’t remember having a drink – period!
Gazoo: Might be a side effect of the mickey. (turning to FML) Speaking as your lawyer I’d strongly discourage you from admitting to doping this man.
Florida Man: Despite what you may have heard Gaz, I no longer take legal advice from folks wearing underwear as hats.
Gazoo shrugs, then adjusts his fruit of the loom bowler, before returning to his empty Heineken nest.
Marty Donovan: YOU DRUGGED ME?
Florida Man: Just helped you loosen up. The House of Mouse has killed fun Marty, so I just took the edge off. What are friends for?
Marty Donovan: I don’t even know why I’m surprised. See, I was going to lift the restraining order after you helped Tinto, give you a second chance, but now? Doubling down!
Florida Man: COME ON!
Marty Donovan: No. You know the rules. Where are we even?
Florida Man: Who can say? The great thing about painting the town red, is you start in one town, and usually end up in another... JUST GO WITH IT!
Outrageous. If he stays, Marty might just resort to violence. Fortunately for Florida Man, Marty only wrestles in Hardkore World – so instead stomps down the hallway in a huff.
Florida Man: Needing to know where he is? Becoming a Disney Mascot sure has changed Marty.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A SARLACC PIT.
Darkness.
Some light glistening off one of the teeth illuminates some scrap metal that used to be a wheelchair.
Thirty feet from the wheelchair, The Buckeye Bruiser crawls.
His legs are still heavily damaged. His rock hard abs apparently didn’t hold up too well to scissors.
In short it looks like BEEF might have shoved a crippled Redmond Fury into the mouth of an alien beast over a month ago, and even now he is struggling in his handicapped state, to escape.
“Awwwwwwwwoooooo”
A ravenous sehlat smells the fresh blood from Fury’s perpetually opening wounds, and charges at the wounded man.
The beast – normally native only to Vulcan’s Forge, but apparently appearing because the booker wants to annoy fans on both sides of the Stars, charges at the helpless Ohio hero. Sabre teeth sharper than anything sticking out of the wall, the creature leaps for the throat! ...and takes a mean left hook for its troubles.
Winner: Redmond Fury
The sehlat yelps, running back into the darkness.
Sighing, Redmond Fury continues to crawl, hoping to find an incline towards the surface, because no matter what, he is going to survive this.
Redmond Fury: ...beef...
By the time Fury gets through with that roided out freak, BEEF is going to have to join the Diamond Facility just to be able to learn how to walk again.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE BROOM CLOSET!
“DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?”
Florida Man: Nah, I want to sleep!
Wait, who was that? Florida Man sits upright, and pushes aside a half-eaten deer carcass to find a tablet. The Man from Florida would like nothing better than to get Jigsaw’s autograph, but instead he finds the smiling face of Rival Recruiter Ozawa. And Flo knows better than to give THAT guy a pen.
Florida Man: Got any more prospects for me to chow down on.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: We are quite past that Mister Man. You may be wondering about your surroundings.
Florida Man: Don’t bother me at all.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Last night, some associates of mine took the liberty to slip something into you and your friend’s drinks.
Florida Man: If you’re looking for gratitude it’s a little late for that.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: When you could no longer move, we transported you to your current location.
Florida Man: I been in worse digs.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I wonder what Bart Simpson would think if he saw a Flintstone supporting character wandering around Universal Studios Orlando?
The cartoon pupils in Florida Man’s mask seem to grow smaller in abject horror at their current situation. Scrambling, FML tries to kick the broom closet door shut – only a bottle keeps it from closing fully. It is at that moment that Felonious Gru walks past.
Gru: Apparently one of those losers from Arizona’s Flintstone theme park is trying to move in on our territory.
Dr. Emmett Brown: Great scott! Does he have a death wish?
Hello Kitty: If you worked at Arizona Bedrock, wouldn’t you? Well, let’s make his dreams come true!
Gazoo: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLE-
Florida Man puts a hand over his attorney’s mouth, trying to protect the raging dwarf from getting lynched. Those Universal Studios mascots are out for blood.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Just think of this as a medical exam from your friends at J-RoK.
Florida Man (turning to the camera with a Home Alone expression): Oh no, Marty!
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE NEAR THE ENTRANCE-
Marty Donovan: Every time that miserable son of a-
Disney’s Own walks out through the curtains to a big reaction from the crowd. Wait, a makeshift arena? Marty then looks up at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and all the blood drains from his face.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... the challenger... Marty Donovan!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Bug eyed, Marty tries to escape back through the entrance curtain – only to be shoved back out into the arena by security. This is bad. BEEF is already waiting in the ring, smugly holding his championship. Marty never agreed to this! Quick thinking, Marty pulls his shirt over his head, so no one can tell its him.
Phillips: I’m amazed you managed to get this match signed, Magnus. Marty gets so much flack from HKW for moonlighting in CAR, WUK, TOW, basically everywhere... but showing up in Universal Studios could actually cost him his Disney sponsorship.
Magnus: It wasn’t easy.
Phillips: What is your secret?
Magnus: Last night, I slipped something into his drink.
Phillips: Really? I wonder how many people drugged Marty last night.
MEANWHILE... LAST NIGHT.
Deacon Oldham empties some white powder into Marty’s beer.
Deacon Oldham: When he fails his drug test I can take the CAR title shot all for myself, and show Ollie what a real man looks like!
Oblivious to the sinister plotting a foot behind him, Marty chugs away.
MEANWHILE... AN HOUR BEFORE THAT.
Ollie Oldham mixes a pill into some water.
Ollie Oldham: I hope Marty has a good time tonight; he’s been so tense lately.
MEANWHILE... TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE THAT.
Tinto throws a fistful of red pills into a glass of milk, not even pretending to hide his malicious intend from Marty.
Tinto: Here Mister Marty, I made this special drink to show you there were no hard feelings for you not winning the tag titles with me as a partner.
Marty Donovan: Thanks Tinto. (takes the glass then deliberately puts it aside)
Tinto: Drink it! It’s good. It’s full of vitamins. It will make you strong so you can win!
Marty Donovan: I’ll have it later.
Tinto: Princess Zoran would drink it.
OH IT’S ON! Realizing that the child is probably poisoning him, but to prove he’s a better Disney Princess than Zoran – Marty starts downing the laced milk.
MEANWHILE... AT THE BAR.
After Gazoo imitates Florida Man, by pouring another mickey into their drinks...
Florida Man: KEG STAND!
Marty Donovan: Igotzthesh.
A robbed figure hands Marty a keg... wait... it couldn’t have been tampered with too? As Marty and Florida Man get into rival keg stands, the figure pulls back its hood.
Mickey Mouse: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
MEANWHILE... BACK IN THE PRESENT.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Charging down the aisle, Marty IMMEDIATELY slides the second he hits ringside, essentially hiding under the ring.
Sylvia Starr: Will the challenger please come out from under the ring?
Marty Donovan (under ring): Never!
Magnus: Don’t listen to him, that’s just the drugs talking!
Phillips: I guess the Disney sponsors would be pretty mad if they saw him here.
Magnus: True. Let’s drag him out!
Security start to surround the ring...
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?”
Crowd: ANGEL DUST!
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?”
Crowd: ANGEL DUST!
That Friendly Neighbourhood Arsonist that looks like an Italian handbag but walks like a man, pushes through the curtains.
Florida Man: Well then let me dust this guy off and make him an angel! Bickity Bam! Sorry to disappoint you, Beef, but there ain’t no WAY IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEELL that my boy, Marty, would ever step foot in a rival theme park. He AIN’T HERE TONIGHT. But if you want to defend your strap... then I guess for ONE NIGHT ONLY... ORLANDO IS FLORIDA COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!
MASSIVE POP!
Magnus: Orlando is in Florida you idiots!
Phillips: Certainly in their hearts!
Magnus: I can’t stand it.
Charging down the ring, Florida Man uses his tail to discourage a few security guards that were hunting under the ring for his Epcot brother, before sliding in after the champion.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
The two big men start brawling away.
Phillips: How do you like that? The second GUNS show in a row in which J-RoK’s Florida Man has challenged one of our singles titles.
Magnus: This is a travesty! Get Marty out from under there, and into this match! BEEF can beat both of them!
Phillips: Given how close Florida Man came to ending Fox’s X*Crown run, I think BEEF is going to have his hands full.
Magnus: Do you even hear yourself?
Phillips: Why at this rate, he’ll have to challenge our tag titles next.
Magnus: Over my dead body!
Ducking a haymaker, the larger Beef throws Florida Man into the corner with a release belly-to-belly suplex. Florida Man starts reaching for his golden food stamps, when Beef charges in with a splash. Cutting off the ring, Beef starts going to town with devastating forearm shots. While Florida Man keeps the champion occupied, Marty Donovan starts to sneak out of the arena – using an Earl the Squirrel outfit he found under the ring.
Phillips: Oh look, Earl the Squirrel.
Magnus: Universal really stopped caring, didn’t they?
Spotting the obvious Marty trying to escape, Beef turns away from Florida – beginning to go after his intended target. Grapevining the larger man in the ropes, Florida Man hangs on for dear life, then bites the champion’s neck – drawing blood. The Orlando crowd cheers this biting, happily embracing one of their own. Florida Man nods to Earl, who continues his escape. Right into an angry lynch mob of Universal mascots.
Princess Fiona: Earl, have you seen a rival mas-
Earl the Squirrel: Yes, that devilishly handsome Disney property went (pointing into the crowd) THAT WAY!
Krusty the Clown: Thanks- wait- when did Gazoo become a Disney mascot?
Uh oh.
Earl starts to run away chased by a small army of Simpsons, Popeye, and Dreamworks characters. Fortunately the costumes give them little peripheral vision, so the chase is quite circular – continuing to revolve around the ringside area.
Phillips: RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! What a slobberknocker.
Magnus: Well Florida was briefly in GUNS Fight Club, while BEEF is the greatest Phoenix champion in the history of the belt – so you knew this was going to be haymaker city!
Phillips: Florida the known striker, but Beef has the size – each one of those punches threatening to floor the other-
Seeing the Universal Mascot Army closing in on Earl, Florida Man sighs – ducks a big right hand, runs into the ropes, ducks an even bigger closeline – then leaps over the ropes.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: FLORIDA MAN WITH A TOPE CON HILO INTO ALL THOSE POOR MASCOTS!
Hearing their state in the name the GUNS Nation cheer on this act of carnage, despite all the beloved cartoon character that now lie in a heap. Quick to his feet, FML starts to kick away at any mascot left standing. Olive Oil? That’s a stunner! Better Boop? You better believe that’s a stunner! Marge Simpson? Stunner! Florida Man is hitting so many stunners that you start to think it might be Donzig under a different mask.
Earl the Squirrel (gesturing to Florida Man): Come on - we gotta go!
Before the meth-addicted maniac can join Disney’s Own, SpongeBob SquarePants grabs Florida’s leg. It’s not like he can pass up a chance to stunner him too.
Florida Man: Get out of here before someone snaps a pic of you. I gotz this bro!
Earl seems unsure about leaving his stalker for just long enough for it to be considered a moment, since he’s all about the dramatic depth, then runs like there is no tomorrow. The squirrel can be seen going through a side exit with Gazoo, before the camera pans back to Florida Man – who gets piled on by Universal mascots.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as the result of a countout- AND STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, BEEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd boo as Beef raises his hands in victory.
Magnus: Was it ever in doubt? BEEF is the best! Now let’s get this three ring circus away from- oh, that escalated fast.
The Universal Mascots have lynched Florida Man from the corner post.
Shaggy: Let’s see who he really is!
Scooby Doo walks up to the dead looking Florida Man and starts to take off his mask.
Magnus: FLORIDA MAN WILL FINALLY BE UMASKED!
Phillips: Are we going to finally discover who is under the scales? I bet its Mongo!
Magnus: Quiet! He could be watching! Also, it’s obviously Randy Angel.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Before Scooby can finish peeling the mask off, he eats a stunner.
Springing to life, Florida Man uses his gator mouth to chop the rope that ties him to the ring. Landing on his feet, the wild man of the everglades busts out his Darwin Award and starts braining every mascot in sight. The blood splatter is like a Zatoichi film. As the mascots and FML continue to war, the one that led the lynching removes his mask. Shaggy face in hand, Rival Recruiter Ozawa sneers at the retreating reptile.
Phillips: Wait, is Ozawa working for Universal Studios?
Magnus: Another face for the streaming wars? Wouldn’t surprise me if he was moonlighting for them.
Phillips: ...You need to pay people more.
Indifferent to his opponents struggles, BEEF poses with the championship.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE SARLACC PIT.
After what feels like a month, Redmond Fury finally starts to notice an incline.
It goes straight up.
You can't see the sky from the bottom of the hole.
Grabbing one of the knives that function as teeth, Fury groans as he pulls himself up. Then lets himself back down. Then repeats. Fury is using the pit as a gym, and he is motivated to murder Beef. Feel the burn.
We hope the cigar smoke is synthetic else one of the GUNS production crew is going to sound like Tom Waits in the morning as we go back into black and white.
Harrington Heart smokes a cigar (half-smoked, probably the stagehands) and looks panicked. He’s approached in a blur.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: I hear you’re looking for the Art of the Rest Hold!
Heart nods.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Have you tried Google?
Harrington Heart: Nope but that’s a great ide-
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Don’t! I can tell you everything you need to know!
Harrington Heart (VO): He seemed over-eager like he had something to hide but I decided to go against my intuition. That was a mistake…
Harrington Heart: What have you got, Slim?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: The opening hours for the Rest Hold are between two second and ten minutes of a match, then closed for fifteen minutes, and sometimes they re-open between the thirtieth and fortieth minute…stamina depending.
Harrington Heart: Is that meant to help me?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Fine, maybe you’d like the menu? Armbars, Wristlocks, Test of Strength, Nerve Holds, The Sleeper, …
Harrington Heart: The Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: You’ve seen our listing before I see. Here are some new reviews.
Cho pulls out a notepad.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: “Made me the man I am today.” - Randy Orton…”More rest holds, more ad breaks, HAHAHAHA!” - Vincent Kennedy McMahon. “I sold out Wembley Stadium on rest holds because Davey was strung out on Heroin” - Bret Hart…would you like to hear more?
Harrington Heart: What about GUNS specific?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: I’m sorry but all that query returns is ‘Do you mean Zoran Sainovic?”
Harrington Heart: Sonnuvabitch…this is getting me nowhere….
Heart starts to walk off.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Would you like to become a member? It’s only five-hundred bucks and you get up to three edits and the ability to upload a picture….A PICTURE!!!!!
Elsewhere in Universal…
Venom and El Rey celebrate El Rey’s birthday and walk into Hog’s Head talking about El Rey’s success.
Venom: If Nelly is the only threat between now and N O C, there will be no one to stop you from ploughing through cruiserfest!
El Rey: No one can touch my streak!
A sloppy El Rey says enthusiastically. The camera pans up to a monitor placed inside Hog’s Head just for this event, just as Zoran Sainovic steps through the backstage curtains. A match edit takes us back out to the arena, as the Final Boss addresses GUNS Nation.
Zoran Sainovic: Ah ze Sarlacc Pit... and not a scratch on me. Don’t all cheer at once.
The “You Suck” chants bring a fiendish smile to the thin lips of the older devil.
Zoran Sainovic: Yes, I survived ze cavern zat as we speak zreatens to consume GUNS arena. Just like I made it past my protégé’s stabbing, a scaffold collapsing on me, some rather excessive genital attention from Off ze Wagon, and let us not forget (chuckle) zat furious Fox beating. (smile fades) How you ask? I assumed zat would be obvious by now. I’m just made of tougher stuff zan ze other stars zat call zis Network home. Zat has always been apparent.
Eyes narrow.
Zoran Sainovic: Also... it should be fairly apparently by now zat you only see what I want you too. For example, all zose body shots zat Death Trap was zrowing my way... might have broken a lesser man’s ribs. Like say, Mistress. But for dear old Dad? I barely felt zem.
Reaching down, Zoran undoes the buttons on his suit coat. Throwing his arms down, he lets the black coat slip off his shoulders – catching it with his right hand before the apparel can hit the floor. With a fluid motion, Sainovic outstretches the coat, and exposes the interior.
Phillips: Look at the padding on that coat - it must be fifty pounds!
Magnus: That would absorb a lot.
Phillips: A lot? It would be bullet proof.
Smiling again, Zoran rests the coat over his left arm. Without it, the XHF Devil certainly looks a lot thinner.
Zoran Sainovic: For zose of you zat haven’t been following our little drama. Venom and myself currently have a disagreement about ze career trajectory of El Rey. I want ze boy to zrive as an X champion, while Venom is content to relive cruiser glory. It now appears zat is what El Rey wants... so I zought to myself... what is ze BEST Birthday present I can give ze boy? I know. If he really wants to be king of ze cruisers, I’ll make zat division look stronger zan ze X. (fiendish smile) ...ze only way I know how.
Magnus: Oh no!
Zoran Sainovic: Yes. So during zat gruelling third X reign, I lost ze weight... even if you didn't see it... and am happy to announce zat I will be taking part in zis year’s CRUISERFEST.
The jeers of the crowd are only drowned out by a sound…
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
...That comes from somewhere in the park.
Phillips: How do you like that – the only XHF event that Zoran hasn’t won. I’m starting to think he’s doing this less for Rey’s benefit and more for his ego.
Magnus: YOU THINK?
Zoran Sainovic: I hope Rey enjoys his birthday...
The Final Boss turns to leave, when another small figure blocks his exit.
Zoran Sainovic: ...now zis is a surprise...
The crowd cheer their heads off for the appearance of Copycat. It’s kind of surreal.
Phillips: It’s Copycat! The last time he was seen in the XHF, Zoran Sainovic caused him to have a miscarriage!
Magnus: Men can’t-
Zoran Sainovic (malice dripping from his lips): I figured you’d come back earlier... for ze father day’s special.
A dozen security swarm the ramp way, getting between the two men. Then they remember that one is a knife-wielding maniac, and the other has the strength of ten men. On account of being crazy. Better make it two-dozen.
Copycat: Zoran, I can't believe what happened. I thought we were FRIENDS. You used me! And for no reason other than for your own entertainment. You need to be stopped! You need to learn that there's more to life than torturing those who stand in your way to offer nothing but kindness! I'm going to tell you something and I'M WARNING YOU! I'VE HAD ABOUT A FULL CUP OF COFFEE AND I'M UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CAFFEINE SO WATCH OUT AS I'M A LOADED GUN AT THIS POINT! ZORAN! I'M CHALLENGING YOU! YOU AND ME! ONE ON ONE! AT OVERHEATED!
Zoran Sainovic: Zis doesn’t sound too smart, ‘cat... more like a Bradshaw idea… but if you REALLY need it. I suppose we can have a little match at Overheated.
Copycat: Well I'll have you know Zoran, I've been little and I've been big, so I know the difference between the two! This challenge over here will be a big challenge, and I'm going to give you a run for your money! I hope you know where your dukes are, because I'm going to make you put them up if you accept this challenge! I'll be giving you all that I have! That's just who I am! I've done it as a friend, but since you've shown that friendship is out of the cards, then I'll have to show you that I'll give it to you as an ENEMY!
Shaking his head sadly, Sainovic leaves the bereaved parent with one last parting shot.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh, au contraire, Cat. You’re going to find out ze hard way... zat I AM ze BEST FRIEND you’ll ever have.
Ice cold.
Phillips: Well there you have it, Sainovic versus Copycat at Overheated!
Magnus: Do you know what this means?
Phillips: That supercard is going to be viewer discretion advised?
Magnus: Clearly, but more importantly... Copycat is now the only man standing between Zoran and Cruiserfest being turned into a slaughterhouse.
Phillips: Jesus. Well for all the underweight stars of the XHF, we can only hope Copycat injures Zoran out of it.
Magnus: It’s far more likely he’ll join his tumour in heaven.
Phillips: ...yeah.
Security keep the two men apart, but the tension is thick, and Overheated will be hard pressed to find a grudge match with more bad blood.
We really hope this is the last dissolve to black and white.
Harrington Heart races through the corridors, the knowledge the show might finish before he solves the case on his mind.
Harrington Heart (VO): I’d better get good with the shine box, soon that’s all I’ll be able to do. If only there was a clear-cut lead I could follow…
Heart bumps into something tall and metallic that sends him to the floor. He looks up to see Off-brand RoboCop.
OBRC: I have your culprit.
Harrington Heart: There’s no need to use that tone of voice on me, you don’t need to mock me.
OBRC swings his arm round and Rival Recruiter Osawa is grasped in OBRC’s hand, suspended from the floor.
OBRC: He confessed. He wants more people to feed JROK stars, all the good jobbers left when STRiFE was Champion.
Rival Recruiter Osawa (tearfully): I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me!
OBRC throws him to the floor. Heart quickly sinks an arm around his head.
Harrington Heart: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR! TELL ME!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Either you bring the Jobber to JROK or you bring JROK to the Jobber!
Heart tightens the hold.
Harrington Heart: DON’T BE CUTE WITH ME!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Crime is a left-handed form of human endeavor.
The headlock is now in.
Rival Recruiter Osawa: You know what he’ll do when he comes back? Beat my teeth out, then kick me for mumbling.
Harrington Heart: JUST TELL ME WHY!!!!!
Sylvia Starr rushes into shot.
Sylvia Starr: YOU DID IT! YOU FOUND THE ART OF THE REST HOLD AND WE GOT IT ALL ON TAPE!!!
Starr prises Heart from Osawa and brings him to his feet, kissing him on the cheek.
Sylvia Starr: Here, take this…
She thrusts a wad of hundreds into his hand.
Harrington Heart: I’ll remember your face.
Sylvia Starr: I’ll try to forget yours…
Harrington Heart (VO): I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me…
Starr leaves the shot. Only Osawa and Heart remain.
Harrington Heart: Now, what to do with you?
Dino Bones: FLESHLING…I’LL TAKE HIM. I KNOW JUST THE PUNISHMENT!!
Heart hands him over to Dino Bones.
Dino Bones: Have you ever seen a castle? You’ll love it. Great food, soon you’ll be like the Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg…you can ask Harsh Winter Pilgrim for his opinion….
Harrington Heart (VO): I never did see Osawa or Dino Bones again but that didn’t matter. I didn’t exactly believe Starr’s story either. I believed her eight hundred dollars. I mean, she paid me more than if she’d been telling me the truth, and enough more to make it all right.
But not the end of the show. No. We still have a X*Crown Match.
But first…
We cut to a new segment inside Hog’s Head bar inside of Universal Studios.
El Rey: You! What are you doing here!
El Rey jumps up on his seat, dangerous considering the amount of Alcoholic butter beers the freshly 21-year-old has consumed, and points across the Harry Potter themed restaurant where Nelly Angel stands wearing full Hogwarts robes. Nelly wears the crest of the Hufflepuff house of course. They represent hard work, loyalty, patience, and fair play. Nelly sees the drunken young man pointing at him and sheepishly waves.
El Rey: It’s my birthday Damn it! Who invited you.
Nelly, too kind to yell across a restaurant walks over to his future opponent and says to him in a calm voice.
Nelly: Happy Birthday, but this is also a Gun Show and I am a member of the GUNS roster.
El Rey: Bologna! You’re here to ruin my birthday. First you try and ruin my GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship win by asking to be in the gauntlet and now you show up here. WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO UPSTAGE ME!
While the rest of the people around are getting startled by the young man’s antics, Nelly is calm as a cucumber. Maybe it’s because of a lifetime of dealing with his brother or maybe it’s because he just doesn’t fear the young champion. Nelly reaches up and grabs El Rey by the shoulder.
Nelly: Look buddy. I’m not here to ruin your birthday. In fact, I think I have a present for you.
El Rey: You do? Ooooh what is it? If you say alcoholic butter beer you’re too late. I’ve already been bought ten.
Nelly: No, none of that. I’m going to take you to Honeydukes for some candy and then I’ll take you to Olivander’s to get you a wand.
El Rey: A real wand?
Nelly: Of course, a real wizard needs a real wand.
El Rey: You’re the best.
El Rey hugs Nelly as we fade to black and cut back to the show.
X*CROWN MATCH LIVE ON TAPE DELAY SOON
We open on Venom leading his son, El Rey, blindfolded to an overlook. Venom takes a long look before turning back to his son.
El Rey: Are you making me compete in a blindfold match? If so, I’m not putting my XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship on the line in a blindfold match.
Venom: No. It’s your birthday, I’m not making you wrestle. You’re off until the finale. Instead, because it’s your birthday, and because the arena might fall into the Earth, I set up something special.
Venom takes the blindfold off of his son and stands next to him and from the overlook they see a makeshift ring and stands right in the middle of the Hogwarts Hogsmede section.
El Rey: Wow, what is it?
Venom: It’s the Gun Show, LIVE from Universal Studios Orlando!
BOOM! BANG! POW!
The cameras pan around the screaming Universal Studios crowd. Fans are holding up signs that read “Bloodied Fox isn’t the first gryffindor to turn bad,” “Blobby for next DreamWorks star,” and “I came for the rides, but I’ll settle for Tom Phillips.” The last one is held by an attractive older woman sitting ringside. We don’t cut to the announcers table as normal, instead, we cut to the entrance where Magnus is being brought out on a throne carried by all of the Streaming Wars stars. Meanwhile, Tom Phillips has run down to ringside to speak with the lady with the sign. Soon the throne is set down near the announcers table and Magnus steps off and takes his seat and soon Tom joins him with lipstick on his cheek.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We are live from Universal Studios in Orlando.
Magnus: For El Rey’s birthday Spectacular!
Phillips:Not at all because the Atlanta government said if we don’t fix that hole they’ll condemn the arena.
Magnus: Shut up Tom and wipe that lipstick off your face.
Phillips: That’s not the only place I’ll have lipstick by the end of the night if you know what I mean.
Magnus: Dear God, I don’t want to know. Cut to our first segment.
We cut and the color drains from the shot as a title forms on-screen.
THE KEYSTONE FLOP
We dissolve to an office. A London Fog-style coat hangs on a coat stand in the corner by the door. A man with a fedora slanted over his face sleeps in a chair, his feet on the desk in front of him.
Voiceover: It was the usual GUNS taping, I was waiting for a call I knew wouldn’t come. One line and an elimination by BEEF left me in a precarious situation. One more show in the season and I was struggling to renew my SAG card. No retainer for the non-booked, we made our way in the fringes of society and while I didn’t have the money to fly to a country of non-extradition to film with Roman and definitely not enough to bribe Steve Awesome for an introduction to James Gunn, I could dream.
The door flies open and standing in the frame of the entrance is Sylvia Starr.
Voiceover: I never dreamed a dame like her was about to make my night far worse than babysitting Tinto…
Sylvia Starr: Are you Harrington Heart?
Harrington Heart: I am…
Sylvia Starr: Someone said you’re a detective but I didn’t believe them, aren’t you the guy who tries to take home the catering every show?
Harrington Heart (VO): She had intuition…I didn’t like that. I didn’t like how she slunk through the door and into the chair opposite me like a serpent with their eyes on the prize.
Harrington Heart: I'm a licensed private investigator and have been a while. I'm a lone wolf, unmarried, getting middle aged, and not rich. I've been in jail more than once and don't do divorce business. I like liquor and women and chess and a few other things. The cops don't like me too well, but I know a couple I get along with. I'm a native son, born in Atlanta, both parents dead, no brothers and sisters, and when I get knocked off in a dark alley sometime if it happens, as it could to anyone in my business, nobody will feel the bottom has dropped out his or her life…but what can I do for you, Toots?
Sylvia Starr: We have an issue. Magnus doesn’t know it yet but with the over the top high-spots in the ring and irreverent characters on our roster, we’re on the verge of being classified as a Circus Company and not a wrestling promotion! Mongo won’t make our taxes go away if we’re not in wrestling!
Harrington Heart: But what about CAR? That’s not wrestling…
Sylvia Starr: The Angry Mad Chemists deal with the Inland Revenue, who do we have that will help?
Harrington Heart: I’m not a lawyer, sweetheart…
Sylvia Starr: I need you to find something that could save us…
Harrington Heart (VO): We had title belts, we had a ring, what was this goofy broad after?
Sylvia Starr: I need you to find a piece of art…The Rest Hold….
Harrington Heart (VO): I took a deep-breath, anyone who’d seen me wrestle…well, there were less of them than Titanic Submarine Pilots and my lot were dwindling quicker than them….
Harrington Heart: I don’t know, you’re berries’n’all but I could be out there tonight getting squashed by a kid with a fouler mouth than a Sailor and Lord knows I need the money…
Sylvia flashes a fat money clip.
Sylvia Starr: If you can help, I’m sure I can make sure the right Presidents know…
Starr stands up and walks to the door. She looks over her shoulder.
Sylvia Starr: Think about it, Hot Shot…
Harrington Heart (VO): She knew what she was doing as she walked out that door and the trade for compromising pictures of Anthony Caffrey was finally dying out. She had me over a barrel and she knew it…
The scene fades out in a puff of cigar smoke.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: You don’t know?
Magnus: Why would I know?
Phillips:Because you’re in charge!
Magnus:: Like that means anything.
Phillips: Let’s move on to our first match.
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to their corner as they await the bell.
Magnus: There time has come. I am guaranteeing my team will become new champions tonight.
Phillips: Are you really guaranteeing against your co-owners?
Magnus: As long as they don’t know it.
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Phillips: I know you’re confident, but I can’t see a way I’d bet against the Guns.
Magnus: That’s because you don’t see like I see Tom.
Phillips: What’s that mean.
Magnus: It means you see like an announcer Tom, and I see like an owner. CBB as champs is what’s best for business.
GUNS Tag Team Championships
Crinkley Bottom Boys vs Guns (c)
Crinkley Bottom Boys vs Guns (c)
Blobby stands in his corner ready to start for his team. Noel whispers into Blobby’s, uh, head side? Meanwhile, in the opposing corner Venom and Mueller play rock, paper, scissors to decide who starts. Mueller wins, or loses, I don’t know, but he gets to start with the pastel monstrosity. Mueller turns to Blobby while Venom steps out onto the ropes. As Venom steps out onto the apron something catches his eye. He drops off the apron and approaches someone at ringside. Mueller turns his back on Blobby and begins trying to get his partners attention.
Phillips: What is going on?
Magnus: Venom appears to be distracted by someone.
Phillips: You think it’s the face wrapped man who attacked El Combatiente at the last J-Rok show?
Magnus: Don’t be silly Tom. No one watches J-Rok.
While Venom is arguing with a fan Blobby runs full speed and crashes into Mueller. Mueller’s head hits the top turnbuckle hard and he stumbles back into the awaiting arms of Blobby. Blobby grabs Mueller by the waist and tosses him with a release German suplex. Blobby moves over to his corner for a tag, but Noel instead directs Blobby to step on the second rope. Noel makes the blind tag as Blobby flies off and nails Mueller with a big splash! Noel moves in and pushes Blobby off to make the cover. Venom turns to run in the ring, but the fan he was arguing with grabs him by the shoulder. 1…2…3!
Sylvia Starr: Your winners and NEW GUNS tag team Champions, the Crinkley Bottom BOOOOOOOOYS!
Magnus: They did it. I told you.
Phillips: You’re right, but there’s still something going on.
Venom pulls the fan out of the crowd and it is indeed the same face wrapped man from J-Rok that attacked El Combatiente. They begin brawling at ringside as in the ring Noel is holding both tag belts while on Blobby’s shoulders celebrating like England just won the World Cup.
Magnus: What an amazing celebration that’s being ruined by these two idiots brawling. Let’s cut to another weird segment.
Phillips: I thought you didn’t know what those were.
Magnus: Just cut.
Once more we fade to black and white via Cigar Smoke to backstage.
Harrington Heart (VO): The night was wearing on and I still hadn’t got the call from Magnus. No-one needed a pick-me-up and after some research I found out that the last sighting of a Master of the Rest Hold was when Mongo was still active. That guy could make a wristlock last longer than a Magnum Gobstopper and he knew it. But Mongo didn’t return my calls…ever. That left me little choice if I wanted to avoid being in Al Jabroni’s next feature but to try and locate the Art of the Rest Hold. My first stop was easy…
Rival Recruiter Osawa is seen chewing gum against a wall. Harrington pins him against the wall.
Harrington Heart: Tell me everything you know about rest hold now. It was you, wasn’t it? You wanted to improve the highlight reels for the JROK Owner, didn’t you…
Osawa flinches.
Harrington Heart: DIDN’T YOU!!!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Hardly. We don’t need more spot monkeys and freaks from here…we’ve got Brendan Harding and Florida Man for that. We need more people like CJ Walker or Dylan Black…just less bomby…why do you think STRiFE disappeared?
Harrington pauses for a moment.
Harrington Heart: You’ve got a point there….
Releasing Osawa, Heart spots his next suspect. He sneaks up behind him.
Harrington Heart: Not even hiding it with your name are you…ATV Bandit!
The ATV Bandit turns around, surprised.
ATV Bandit: What?
Harrington Heart: You stole the art of the rest hold…
ATV Bandit: Do you think I’d really do that? Just look…
The Zamboni Bandit is on the phone and apparently on hold. ‘The Hockey Song’ by Stompin’ Tom Connors can be heard playing ad infinitum.
ATV Bandit: He thinks he’s on the phone to the Montreal Forum for a spot in the reboot of The Mighty Ducks as the Zamboni Driver but he’s an idiot because…
Harrington Heart: Daniel Day-Lewis has been working there for five years as the Zamboni driver for exactly this role!
ATV Bandit: Exactly! But that means he can’t see this!
The ATV Bandit points to a ramp perilously set-up over the Zamboni.
ATV Bandit: This’ll get me a regular spot on Season 5 of GUNS, just you watch! Nothing can stop me!
Harrington Heart: Except that…
Heart points to Assistant Zamboni Bandit who mimes driving a Zamboni before pointing at the ATV Bandit and mimicking slitting the throat of the All-Terrain enthusiast.
ATV Bandit: He wants me to do it…
Harrington Heart: Any idea where my next lead is?
ATV Bandit: Nope, I’m sure you’ll find it in a match or two…
We cut back to the ring where Venom stands alone with a mic in his hand. He is seething in anger and when he sees the camera is on him he snarls as he speaks.
Venom: El Combatiente. You have been a thorn in my side since you came back from obscurity.
Venom begins to pace across the ring before he pulls out an El Combatiente mask from his tights.
Magnus: Eww.
Phillips: I knew Venom was El Combatiente again.
Venom: You want this back right? You want to get rid of those bandages? You’re going to have to fight me to get it. On my turf. On my terms.
Magnus: Who does he think he is making matches for my show.
Phillips: Co-Owner and founder.
Magnus: Ugh.
Venom: I’m going to have this mask strapped to the top of GUNS arena. It’ll be hanging there all the way at the top. And the only way to get to it is going to be in a staple of the XHF…the Tower Match.
The crowd pops for the big time match that hasn’t been seen in years. Venom slams down the mic and exits the ring.
Magnus: Uh, I’m not sure our insurance will cover this.
Phillips: Especially after we had to fill that crazy hole.
Magnus: Ugh, cut to another segment while we clear this up.
Another cigar smoke transition backstage in black and white.
Harrington Heart (VO): I HAD to find the Art of the Rest Hold, it had consumed me. Made me think of nothing else because with out it? I’d be as eligible for SAG as Tori Spelling by the time the season ended and Season 5? I’d be lucky to be the guy who feeds the guy who is fed to Dino Bones on his show! It was like a monkey on my back, which was inconvenient because that wasn’t the only monkey on my back…
MöNGöNüTS is enthusiastically humping the shoulder of Harrington Heart as he looks down the corridor for his next lead.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: Shoe shine, guv’nor?
Harrington Heart (VO): Great, a kid is going further back to genre-shame me…
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: I hear you need some information. Show me a C-Note and i’ll polish your shoes whilst I tell you all you need to know!
Harrington Heart (VO): He was chipper…to chipper. I’d let him have enough rope to hang himself.
Heart sits in the shoe-shine chair and puts his feet on the box.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: It’s simple. Who has had the single largest influence on professional wrestling? The Jap-
Harrington Heart: Japanese culture. All moves named after anime and cosplaying outfits. It’s the Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology’s fault! BRING ME THE HEAD OF KEIKO NAGAOKA NOW!!! WHERE IS HE? IS THIS ALL FOR THE END OF SEASON FLEX?
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe looks perplexed.
Murray "The Polisher" Monroe: No…
Heart’s eyes narrow.
Harrington Heart: Wait a minute. It was you wasn’t it! You saw how Tinto became a star and got jealous! You want to be the 1985 Mickey Rooney of GUNS! All this shoe-shining? It’s just a front to get to Magnus but he didn’t care, he wears sneakers and doesn’t need a shoe-shine boy but you don’t care now! You stole the rest hold!!
Heart throttles the kid and starts to wail on him.
Harrington Heart: They call you the Shoe Shine Syko! Tell me what you know or I’ll make you watch The Best of the Bastards on repeat and spoiler alert, there are no best bits!! It’s all dross!!
Stagehands peel Harrington off Monroe as we fade back to color.
Darkness.
“uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”
Marty Donovan has the kind of groan that suggests he’s about to vow to never drink again. Or is he still drunk? He can’t see anything. Is he blind drunk? What a way to lose one’s- no wait, a door handle.
The broom closet door opens, letting light pour into his five star hotel even as empty liquor bottles spill out into the hallway.
“Yo, ain’t no call to be torturing us with the sun.”
Marty Donovan: Oh I’m sorry-
Wait a minute.
Marty Donovan: WAIT A MINUTE- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
Disney’s Own kicks the door back fully, introducing a very hung over Epcot Mafia to the light. Gazoo hisses and threatens to spit, while Florida Man kicks blindly hoping to break Marty’s leg for this indiscretion.
Florida Man: No need to read the riot act buuuuuuuuuddy, we just partied like it was 1999.
Marty Donovan (swaying like he’s going to throw up): In what world would I party with you?
Florida Man: I might not have been wearing the mask when we started.
Marty Donovan: I don’t remember having a drink – period!
Gazoo: Might be a side effect of the mickey. (turning to FML) Speaking as your lawyer I’d strongly discourage you from admitting to doping this man.
Florida Man: Despite what you may have heard Gaz, I no longer take legal advice from folks wearing underwear as hats.
Gazoo shrugs, then adjusts his fruit of the loom bowler, before returning to his empty Heineken nest.
Marty Donovan: YOU DRUGGED ME?
Florida Man: Just helped you loosen up. The House of Mouse has killed fun Marty, so I just took the edge off. What are friends for?
Marty Donovan: I don’t even know why I’m surprised. See, I was going to lift the restraining order after you helped Tinto, give you a second chance, but now? Doubling down!
Florida Man: COME ON!
Marty Donovan: No. You know the rules. Where are we even?
Florida Man: Who can say? The great thing about painting the town red, is you start in one town, and usually end up in another... JUST GO WITH IT!
Outrageous. If he stays, Marty might just resort to violence. Fortunately for Florida Man, Marty only wrestles in Hardkore World – so instead stomps down the hallway in a huff.
Florida Man: Needing to know where he is? Becoming a Disney Mascot sure has changed Marty.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A SARLACC PIT.
Darkness.
Some light glistening off one of the teeth illuminates some scrap metal that used to be a wheelchair.
Thirty feet from the wheelchair, The Buckeye Bruiser crawls.
His legs are still heavily damaged. His rock hard abs apparently didn’t hold up too well to scissors.
In short it looks like BEEF might have shoved a crippled Redmond Fury into the mouth of an alien beast over a month ago, and even now he is struggling in his handicapped state, to escape.
“Awwwwwwwwoooooo”
A ravenous sehlat smells the fresh blood from Fury’s perpetually opening wounds, and charges at the wounded man.
SARLACC PIT MATCH
Redmond Fury vs. SHELAT
The beast – normally native only to Vulcan’s Forge, but apparently appearing because the booker wants to annoy fans on both sides of the Stars, charges at the helpless Ohio hero. Sabre teeth sharper than anything sticking out of the wall, the creature leaps for the throat! ...and takes a mean left hook for its troubles.
Winner: Redmond Fury
The sehlat yelps, running back into the darkness.
Sighing, Redmond Fury continues to crawl, hoping to find an incline towards the surface, because no matter what, he is going to survive this.
Redmond Fury: ...beef...
By the time Fury gets through with that roided out freak, BEEF is going to have to join the Diamond Facility just to be able to learn how to walk again.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE BROOM CLOSET!
“DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?”
Florida Man: Nah, I want to sleep!
Wait, who was that? Florida Man sits upright, and pushes aside a half-eaten deer carcass to find a tablet. The Man from Florida would like nothing better than to get Jigsaw’s autograph, but instead he finds the smiling face of Rival Recruiter Ozawa. And Flo knows better than to give THAT guy a pen.
Florida Man: Got any more prospects for me to chow down on.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: We are quite past that Mister Man. You may be wondering about your surroundings.
Florida Man: Don’t bother me at all.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Last night, some associates of mine took the liberty to slip something into you and your friend’s drinks.
Florida Man: If you’re looking for gratitude it’s a little late for that.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: When you could no longer move, we transported you to your current location.
Florida Man: I been in worse digs.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I wonder what Bart Simpson would think if he saw a Flintstone supporting character wandering around Universal Studios Orlando?
The cartoon pupils in Florida Man’s mask seem to grow smaller in abject horror at their current situation. Scrambling, FML tries to kick the broom closet door shut – only a bottle keeps it from closing fully. It is at that moment that Felonious Gru walks past.
Gru: Apparently one of those losers from Arizona’s Flintstone theme park is trying to move in on our territory.
Dr. Emmett Brown: Great scott! Does he have a death wish?
Hello Kitty: If you worked at Arizona Bedrock, wouldn’t you? Well, let’s make his dreams come true!
Gazoo: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLE-
Florida Man puts a hand over his attorney’s mouth, trying to protect the raging dwarf from getting lynched. Those Universal Studios mascots are out for blood.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Just think of this as a medical exam from your friends at J-RoK.
Florida Man (turning to the camera with a Home Alone expression): Oh no, Marty!
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE NEAR THE ENTRANCE-
Marty Donovan: Every time that miserable son of a-
Disney’s Own walks out through the curtains to a big reaction from the crowd. Wait, a makeshift arena? Marty then looks up at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and all the blood drains from his face.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... the challenger... Marty Donovan!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
BEEF (c) vs. “DISNEY’S OWN” MARTY DONOVAN
Bug eyed, Marty tries to escape back through the entrance curtain – only to be shoved back out into the arena by security. This is bad. BEEF is already waiting in the ring, smugly holding his championship. Marty never agreed to this! Quick thinking, Marty pulls his shirt over his head, so no one can tell its him.
Phillips: I’m amazed you managed to get this match signed, Magnus. Marty gets so much flack from HKW for moonlighting in CAR, WUK, TOW, basically everywhere... but showing up in Universal Studios could actually cost him his Disney sponsorship.
Magnus: It wasn’t easy.
Phillips: What is your secret?
Magnus: Last night, I slipped something into his drink.
Phillips: Really? I wonder how many people drugged Marty last night.
MEANWHILE... LAST NIGHT.
Deacon Oldham empties some white powder into Marty’s beer.
Deacon Oldham: When he fails his drug test I can take the CAR title shot all for myself, and show Ollie what a real man looks like!
Oblivious to the sinister plotting a foot behind him, Marty chugs away.
MEANWHILE... AN HOUR BEFORE THAT.
Ollie Oldham mixes a pill into some water.
Ollie Oldham: I hope Marty has a good time tonight; he’s been so tense lately.
MEANWHILE... TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE THAT.
Tinto throws a fistful of red pills into a glass of milk, not even pretending to hide his malicious intend from Marty.
Tinto: Here Mister Marty, I made this special drink to show you there were no hard feelings for you not winning the tag titles with me as a partner.
Marty Donovan: Thanks Tinto. (takes the glass then deliberately puts it aside)
Tinto: Drink it! It’s good. It’s full of vitamins. It will make you strong so you can win!
Marty Donovan: I’ll have it later.
Tinto: Princess Zoran would drink it.
OH IT’S ON! Realizing that the child is probably poisoning him, but to prove he’s a better Disney Princess than Zoran – Marty starts downing the laced milk.
MEANWHILE... AT THE BAR.
After Gazoo imitates Florida Man, by pouring another mickey into their drinks...
Florida Man: KEG STAND!
Marty Donovan: Igotzthesh.
A robbed figure hands Marty a keg... wait... it couldn’t have been tampered with too? As Marty and Florida Man get into rival keg stands, the figure pulls back its hood.
Mickey Mouse: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
MEANWHILE... BACK IN THE PRESENT.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
BEEF (c) vs. CORNHOLIO (Marty with a shirt over his head)
Charging down the aisle, Marty IMMEDIATELY slides the second he hits ringside, essentially hiding under the ring.
Sylvia Starr: Will the challenger please come out from under the ring?
Marty Donovan (under ring): Never!
Magnus: Don’t listen to him, that’s just the drugs talking!
Phillips: I guess the Disney sponsors would be pretty mad if they saw him here.
Magnus: True. Let’s drag him out!
Security start to surround the ring...
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?”
Crowd: ANGEL DUST!
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?”
Crowd: ANGEL DUST!
That Friendly Neighbourhood Arsonist that looks like an Italian handbag but walks like a man, pushes through the curtains.
Florida Man: Well then let me dust this guy off and make him an angel! Bickity Bam! Sorry to disappoint you, Beef, but there ain’t no WAY IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEELL that my boy, Marty, would ever step foot in a rival theme park. He AIN’T HERE TONIGHT. But if you want to defend your strap... then I guess for ONE NIGHT ONLY... ORLANDO IS FLORIDA COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!
MASSIVE POP!
Magnus: Orlando is in Florida you idiots!
Phillips: Certainly in their hearts!
Magnus: I can’t stand it.
Charging down the ring, Florida Man uses his tail to discourage a few security guards that were hunting under the ring for his Epcot brother, before sliding in after the champion.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
BEEF (c) vs. Florida Man [J-RoK]
The two big men start brawling away.
Phillips: How do you like that? The second GUNS show in a row in which J-RoK’s Florida Man has challenged one of our singles titles.
Magnus: This is a travesty! Get Marty out from under there, and into this match! BEEF can beat both of them!
Phillips: Given how close Florida Man came to ending Fox’s X*Crown run, I think BEEF is going to have his hands full.
Magnus: Do you even hear yourself?
Phillips: Why at this rate, he’ll have to challenge our tag titles next.
Magnus: Over my dead body!
Ducking a haymaker, the larger Beef throws Florida Man into the corner with a release belly-to-belly suplex. Florida Man starts reaching for his golden food stamps, when Beef charges in with a splash. Cutting off the ring, Beef starts going to town with devastating forearm shots. While Florida Man keeps the champion occupied, Marty Donovan starts to sneak out of the arena – using an Earl the Squirrel outfit he found under the ring.
Phillips: Oh look, Earl the Squirrel.
Magnus: Universal really stopped caring, didn’t they?
Spotting the obvious Marty trying to escape, Beef turns away from Florida – beginning to go after his intended target. Grapevining the larger man in the ropes, Florida Man hangs on for dear life, then bites the champion’s neck – drawing blood. The Orlando crowd cheers this biting, happily embracing one of their own. Florida Man nods to Earl, who continues his escape. Right into an angry lynch mob of Universal mascots.
Princess Fiona: Earl, have you seen a rival mas-
Earl the Squirrel: Yes, that devilishly handsome Disney property went (pointing into the crowd) THAT WAY!
Krusty the Clown: Thanks- wait- when did Gazoo become a Disney mascot?
Uh oh.
Earl starts to run away chased by a small army of Simpsons, Popeye, and Dreamworks characters. Fortunately the costumes give them little peripheral vision, so the chase is quite circular – continuing to revolve around the ringside area.
Phillips: RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! What a slobberknocker.
Magnus: Well Florida was briefly in GUNS Fight Club, while BEEF is the greatest Phoenix champion in the history of the belt – so you knew this was going to be haymaker city!
Phillips: Florida the known striker, but Beef has the size – each one of those punches threatening to floor the other-
Seeing the Universal Mascot Army closing in on Earl, Florida Man sighs – ducks a big right hand, runs into the ropes, ducks an even bigger closeline – then leaps over the ropes.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: FLORIDA MAN WITH A TOPE CON HILO INTO ALL THOSE POOR MASCOTS!
Hearing their state in the name the GUNS Nation cheer on this act of carnage, despite all the beloved cartoon character that now lie in a heap. Quick to his feet, FML starts to kick away at any mascot left standing. Olive Oil? That’s a stunner! Better Boop? You better believe that’s a stunner! Marge Simpson? Stunner! Florida Man is hitting so many stunners that you start to think it might be Donzig under a different mask.
Earl the Squirrel (gesturing to Florida Man): Come on - we gotta go!
Before the meth-addicted maniac can join Disney’s Own, SpongeBob SquarePants grabs Florida’s leg. It’s not like he can pass up a chance to stunner him too.
Florida Man: Get out of here before someone snaps a pic of you. I gotz this bro!
Earl seems unsure about leaving his stalker for just long enough for it to be considered a moment, since he’s all about the dramatic depth, then runs like there is no tomorrow. The squirrel can be seen going through a side exit with Gazoo, before the camera pans back to Florida Man – who gets piled on by Universal mascots.
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match as the result of a countout- AND STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, BEEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd boo as Beef raises his hands in victory.
Magnus: Was it ever in doubt? BEEF is the best! Now let’s get this three ring circus away from- oh, that escalated fast.
The Universal Mascots have lynched Florida Man from the corner post.
Shaggy: Let’s see who he really is!
Scooby Doo walks up to the dead looking Florida Man and starts to take off his mask.
Magnus: FLORIDA MAN WILL FINALLY BE UMASKED!
Phillips: Are we going to finally discover who is under the scales? I bet its Mongo!
Magnus: Quiet! He could be watching! Also, it’s obviously Randy Angel.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Before Scooby can finish peeling the mask off, he eats a stunner.
Springing to life, Florida Man uses his gator mouth to chop the rope that ties him to the ring. Landing on his feet, the wild man of the everglades busts out his Darwin Award and starts braining every mascot in sight. The blood splatter is like a Zatoichi film. As the mascots and FML continue to war, the one that led the lynching removes his mask. Shaggy face in hand, Rival Recruiter Ozawa sneers at the retreating reptile.
Phillips: Wait, is Ozawa working for Universal Studios?
Magnus: Another face for the streaming wars? Wouldn’t surprise me if he was moonlighting for them.
Phillips: ...You need to pay people more.
Indifferent to his opponents struggles, BEEF poses with the championship.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE SARLACC PIT.
After what feels like a month, Redmond Fury finally starts to notice an incline.
It goes straight up.
You can't see the sky from the bottom of the hole.
Grabbing one of the knives that function as teeth, Fury groans as he pulls himself up. Then lets himself back down. Then repeats. Fury is using the pit as a gym, and he is motivated to murder Beef. Feel the burn.
We hope the cigar smoke is synthetic else one of the GUNS production crew is going to sound like Tom Waits in the morning as we go back into black and white.
Harrington Heart smokes a cigar (half-smoked, probably the stagehands) and looks panicked. He’s approached in a blur.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: I hear you’re looking for the Art of the Rest Hold!
Heart nods.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Have you tried Google?
Harrington Heart: Nope but that’s a great ide-
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Don’t! I can tell you everything you need to know!
Harrington Heart (VO): He seemed over-eager like he had something to hide but I decided to go against my intuition. That was a mistake…
Harrington Heart: What have you got, Slim?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: The opening hours for the Rest Hold are between two second and ten minutes of a match, then closed for fifteen minutes, and sometimes they re-open between the thirtieth and fortieth minute…stamina depending.
Harrington Heart: Is that meant to help me?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Fine, maybe you’d like the menu? Armbars, Wristlocks, Test of Strength, Nerve Holds, The Sleeper, …
Harrington Heart: The Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: You’ve seen our listing before I see. Here are some new reviews.
Cho pulls out a notepad.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: “Made me the man I am today.” - Randy Orton…”More rest holds, more ad breaks, HAHAHAHA!” - Vincent Kennedy McMahon. “I sold out Wembley Stadium on rest holds because Davey was strung out on Heroin” - Bret Hart…would you like to hear more?
Harrington Heart: What about GUNS specific?
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: I’m sorry but all that query returns is ‘Do you mean Zoran Sainovic?”
Harrington Heart: Sonnuvabitch…this is getting me nowhere….
Heart starts to walk off.
"YELP'S OWN" Barry Cho: Would you like to become a member? It’s only five-hundred bucks and you get up to three edits and the ability to upload a picture….A PICTURE!!!!!
Elsewhere in Universal…
Venom and El Rey celebrate El Rey’s birthday and walk into Hog’s Head talking about El Rey’s success.
Venom: If Nelly is the only threat between now and N O C, there will be no one to stop you from ploughing through cruiserfest!
El Rey: No one can touch my streak!
A sloppy El Rey says enthusiastically. The camera pans up to a monitor placed inside Hog’s Head just for this event, just as Zoran Sainovic steps through the backstage curtains. A match edit takes us back out to the arena, as the Final Boss addresses GUNS Nation.
Zoran Sainovic: Ah ze Sarlacc Pit... and not a scratch on me. Don’t all cheer at once.
The “You Suck” chants bring a fiendish smile to the thin lips of the older devil.
Zoran Sainovic: Yes, I survived ze cavern zat as we speak zreatens to consume GUNS arena. Just like I made it past my protégé’s stabbing, a scaffold collapsing on me, some rather excessive genital attention from Off ze Wagon, and let us not forget (chuckle) zat furious Fox beating. (smile fades) How you ask? I assumed zat would be obvious by now. I’m just made of tougher stuff zan ze other stars zat call zis Network home. Zat has always been apparent.
Eyes narrow.
Zoran Sainovic: Also... it should be fairly apparently by now zat you only see what I want you too. For example, all zose body shots zat Death Trap was zrowing my way... might have broken a lesser man’s ribs. Like say, Mistress. But for dear old Dad? I barely felt zem.
Reaching down, Zoran undoes the buttons on his suit coat. Throwing his arms down, he lets the black coat slip off his shoulders – catching it with his right hand before the apparel can hit the floor. With a fluid motion, Sainovic outstretches the coat, and exposes the interior.
Phillips: Look at the padding on that coat - it must be fifty pounds!
Magnus: That would absorb a lot.
Phillips: A lot? It would be bullet proof.
Smiling again, Zoran rests the coat over his left arm. Without it, the XHF Devil certainly looks a lot thinner.
Zoran Sainovic: For zose of you zat haven’t been following our little drama. Venom and myself currently have a disagreement about ze career trajectory of El Rey. I want ze boy to zrive as an X champion, while Venom is content to relive cruiser glory. It now appears zat is what El Rey wants... so I zought to myself... what is ze BEST Birthday present I can give ze boy? I know. If he really wants to be king of ze cruisers, I’ll make zat division look stronger zan ze X. (fiendish smile) ...ze only way I know how.
Magnus: Oh no!
Zoran Sainovic: Yes. So during zat gruelling third X reign, I lost ze weight... even if you didn't see it... and am happy to announce zat I will be taking part in zis year’s CRUISERFEST.
The jeers of the crowd are only drowned out by a sound…
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
...That comes from somewhere in the park.
Phillips: How do you like that – the only XHF event that Zoran hasn’t won. I’m starting to think he’s doing this less for Rey’s benefit and more for his ego.
Magnus: YOU THINK?
Zoran Sainovic: I hope Rey enjoys his birthday...
The Final Boss turns to leave, when another small figure blocks his exit.
Zoran Sainovic: ...now zis is a surprise...
The crowd cheer their heads off for the appearance of Copycat. It’s kind of surreal.
Phillips: It’s Copycat! The last time he was seen in the XHF, Zoran Sainovic caused him to have a miscarriage!
Magnus: Men can’t-
Zoran Sainovic (malice dripping from his lips): I figured you’d come back earlier... for ze father day’s special.
A dozen security swarm the ramp way, getting between the two men. Then they remember that one is a knife-wielding maniac, and the other has the strength of ten men. On account of being crazy. Better make it two-dozen.
Copycat: Zoran, I can't believe what happened. I thought we were FRIENDS. You used me! And for no reason other than for your own entertainment. You need to be stopped! You need to learn that there's more to life than torturing those who stand in your way to offer nothing but kindness! I'm going to tell you something and I'M WARNING YOU! I'VE HAD ABOUT A FULL CUP OF COFFEE AND I'M UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CAFFEINE SO WATCH OUT AS I'M A LOADED GUN AT THIS POINT! ZORAN! I'M CHALLENGING YOU! YOU AND ME! ONE ON ONE! AT OVERHEATED!
Zoran Sainovic: Zis doesn’t sound too smart, ‘cat... more like a Bradshaw idea… but if you REALLY need it. I suppose we can have a little match at Overheated.
Copycat: Well I'll have you know Zoran, I've been little and I've been big, so I know the difference between the two! This challenge over here will be a big challenge, and I'm going to give you a run for your money! I hope you know where your dukes are, because I'm going to make you put them up if you accept this challenge! I'll be giving you all that I have! That's just who I am! I've done it as a friend, but since you've shown that friendship is out of the cards, then I'll have to show you that I'll give it to you as an ENEMY!
Shaking his head sadly, Sainovic leaves the bereaved parent with one last parting shot.
Zoran Sainovic: Oh, au contraire, Cat. You’re going to find out ze hard way... zat I AM ze BEST FRIEND you’ll ever have.
Ice cold.
Phillips: Well there you have it, Sainovic versus Copycat at Overheated!
Magnus: Do you know what this means?
Phillips: That supercard is going to be viewer discretion advised?
Magnus: Clearly, but more importantly... Copycat is now the only man standing between Zoran and Cruiserfest being turned into a slaughterhouse.
Phillips: Jesus. Well for all the underweight stars of the XHF, we can only hope Copycat injures Zoran out of it.
Magnus: It’s far more likely he’ll join his tumour in heaven.
Phillips: ...yeah.
Security keep the two men apart, but the tension is thick, and Overheated will be hard pressed to find a grudge match with more bad blood.
We really hope this is the last dissolve to black and white.
Harrington Heart races through the corridors, the knowledge the show might finish before he solves the case on his mind.
Harrington Heart (VO): I’d better get good with the shine box, soon that’s all I’ll be able to do. If only there was a clear-cut lead I could follow…
Heart bumps into something tall and metallic that sends him to the floor. He looks up to see Off-brand RoboCop.
OBRC: I have your culprit.
Harrington Heart: There’s no need to use that tone of voice on me, you don’t need to mock me.
OBRC swings his arm round and Rival Recruiter Osawa is grasped in OBRC’s hand, suspended from the floor.
OBRC: He confessed. He wants more people to feed JROK stars, all the good jobbers left when STRiFE was Champion.
Rival Recruiter Osawa (tearfully): I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me!
OBRC throws him to the floor. Heart quickly sinks an arm around his head.
Harrington Heart: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR! TELL ME!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Either you bring the Jobber to JROK or you bring JROK to the Jobber!
Heart tightens the hold.
Harrington Heart: DON’T BE CUTE WITH ME!
Rival Recruiter Osawa: Crime is a left-handed form of human endeavor.
The headlock is now in.
Rival Recruiter Osawa: You know what he’ll do when he comes back? Beat my teeth out, then kick me for mumbling.
Harrington Heart: JUST TELL ME WHY!!!!!
Sylvia Starr rushes into shot.
Sylvia Starr: YOU DID IT! YOU FOUND THE ART OF THE REST HOLD AND WE GOT IT ALL ON TAPE!!!
Starr prises Heart from Osawa and brings him to his feet, kissing him on the cheek.
Sylvia Starr: Here, take this…
She thrusts a wad of hundreds into his hand.
Harrington Heart: I’ll remember your face.
Sylvia Starr: I’ll try to forget yours…
Harrington Heart (VO): I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me…
Starr leaves the shot. Only Osawa and Heart remain.
Harrington Heart: Now, what to do with you?
Dino Bones: FLESHLING…I’LL TAKE HIM. I KNOW JUST THE PUNISHMENT!!
Heart hands him over to Dino Bones.
Dino Bones: Have you ever seen a castle? You’ll love it. Great food, soon you’ll be like the Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg…you can ask Harsh Winter Pilgrim for his opinion….
Harrington Heart (VO): I never did see Osawa or Dino Bones again but that didn’t matter. I didn’t exactly believe Starr’s story either. I believed her eight hundred dollars. I mean, she paid me more than if she’d been telling me the truth, and enough more to make it all right.
But not the end of the show. No. We still have a X*Crown Match.
But first…
We cut to a new segment inside Hog’s Head bar inside of Universal Studios.
El Rey: You! What are you doing here!
El Rey jumps up on his seat, dangerous considering the amount of Alcoholic butter beers the freshly 21-year-old has consumed, and points across the Harry Potter themed restaurant where Nelly Angel stands wearing full Hogwarts robes. Nelly wears the crest of the Hufflepuff house of course. They represent hard work, loyalty, patience, and fair play. Nelly sees the drunken young man pointing at him and sheepishly waves.
El Rey: It’s my birthday Damn it! Who invited you.
Nelly, too kind to yell across a restaurant walks over to his future opponent and says to him in a calm voice.
Nelly: Happy Birthday, but this is also a Gun Show and I am a member of the GUNS roster.
El Rey: Bologna! You’re here to ruin my birthday. First you try and ruin my GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship win by asking to be in the gauntlet and now you show up here. WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO UPSTAGE ME!
While the rest of the people around are getting startled by the young man’s antics, Nelly is calm as a cucumber. Maybe it’s because of a lifetime of dealing with his brother or maybe it’s because he just doesn’t fear the young champion. Nelly reaches up and grabs El Rey by the shoulder.
Nelly: Look buddy. I’m not here to ruin your birthday. In fact, I think I have a present for you.
El Rey: You do? Ooooh what is it? If you say alcoholic butter beer you’re too late. I’ve already been bought ten.
Nelly: No, none of that. I’m going to take you to Honeydukes for some candy and then I’ll take you to Olivander’s to get you a wand.
El Rey: A real wand?
Nelly: Of course, a real wizard needs a real wand.
El Rey: You’re the best.
El Rey hugs Nelly as we fade to black and cut back to the show.
X*CROWN MATCH LIVE ON TAPE DELAY SOON
