Feel Good [Zoran IS Overheated / Rumble Payoff]
Jul 11, 2023 13:03:17 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by mosler on Jul 11, 2023 13:03:17 GMT -5
The rumble.
Hawke:
He was playing us the whole time!
He was playing us the whole time!
The announcer’s words echo out, as footage of Sainovic’s violent Rumble assault on Copycat soon bleeds into a montage of all the ways the Final Boss has faked injuries since End of Days. Retractable blades. Squibs. Reinforced padding, doctored tables, body casts that could stop bullets – until his fashion sense is more roll cage than man. A full stunt team is shown devising ways for a steel scaffold to fall on him at just the right angle to look like he’s been cut in half, while ultimately not leaving a scratch, all while doing far more damage to his opponent. Taking drugs so that his body is numb to any Fox punches that the suit doesn’t absorb. How many of those losses were calculated all to get Kanyon’s poster off a wall? Or was it more than familial pride, but rather the sadistic pleasure of winning over the unwashed masses for yet another mean-spirited swerve? Zoran likes his ribs.
It calls into question a lot of his choices – like was he actually taking advantage of Brendan Harding and did Fox actually save his former flame? Too late now...
It calls into question a lot of his choices – like was he actually taking advantage of Brendan Harding and did Fox actually save his former flame? Too late now...
A hard cut takes us to a disk labelled “GUNS,” that has been left in Mongo’s incoming mail. Like most of the correspondence directed to the network owner, it falls on Bonnie Jenkins to review the material. Always the last light on at XHF headquarters, Mongo’s assistant is in her office, working late into the night to get on top of these letters. Placing the disc in her computer, Jenkins cues it up – to find a very different montage. Rather than all the reasons the hits might not have been hitting, instead Jenkins is greeted by a highlight reel of all the atrocities that Venom committed on Sainovic during this past GUNS season. A dozen clear abuses of power, made all the more heinous when you aren’t aware that Zoran is REALLY selling them.
She freezes on a clip of Copycat trying to keep Sainovic from being blown up, and then makes the call.
Bonnie Jenkins:
Sorry to call you at this hour, sir. I’ve just seen some recent footage from GUNS that looks highly actionable. Venom and Magnus pushing the inappropriate owners look to extremes that might actually splash back on the Network. Yes. Yes. Mostly against Sainovic. Possibly. No, I think they are past that. I would suggest forcing Magnus to either reinstate him as commissioner to mitigate responsibility, or make them give him stock – so that there is a financial reason for him to avoid taking this to litigation. Yes, sir. Right away.
Sorry to call you at this hour, sir. I’ve just seen some recent footage from GUNS that looks highly actionable. Venom and Magnus pushing the inappropriate owners look to extremes that might actually splash back on the Network. Yes. Yes. Mostly against Sainovic. Possibly. No, I think they are past that. I would suggest forcing Magnus to either reinstate him as commissioner to mitigate responsibility, or make them give him stock – so that there is a financial reason for him to avoid taking this to litigation. Yes, sir. Right away.
Bonnie hangs up the phone, and again looks at the image of Copycat letting the sparks burn his bloated stomach, acting as a human shield, rather than let Sainovic take further abuse. That is real friendship. Fucking GUNS.
Unlike Jenkins, viewers are left questioning: did Sainovic really throw matches?
Marty Donovan kicks back on his couch, and turns on the television – only to find it on a regular feed instead of his preferred stream. This would normally be a slight inconvenience, except for what is being broadcast.
“Are you tired of streaming services zat offer a zousand Star Wars spinoffs, but for all ze bloat, don’t really have anything worth watching?”
He knows that voice...
Zoran Sainovic:
At Paramount+ we are TRIMMING ZE FAT.
At Paramount+ we are TRIMMING ZE FAT.
Marty does a spit take. And he isn’t even drinking!
Marty Donovan:
This isn’t real, I must be dreaming. Deacon probably slipped me some mushrooms- yeah, that is the only way this makes sense.
This isn’t real, I must be dreaming. Deacon probably slipped me some mushrooms- yeah, that is the only way this makes sense.
A clip of Sainovic climbing up the famous Paramount peaks soon cuts back to a news studio, where Diane Sawyer sits behind the desk.
Diane Sawyer:
That is right, the streaming wars seem to be heating up – with Paramount+ suddenly enjoying a boost in popularity from their latest spokesmen. I recently spoke with the companies CEO, Robert Bakish – on their interesting choice.
That is right, the streaming wars seem to be heating up – with Paramount+ suddenly enjoying a boost in popularity from their latest spokesmen. I recently spoke with the companies CEO, Robert Bakish – on their interesting choice.
Robert Bakish:
I was channel surfing, when I came across a match in - HCW - I think it was... taking place on Disney property, where their spokesperson Martin Danovan wasn't conducting himself very professionally-
I was channel surfing, when I came across a match in - HCW - I think it was... taking place on Disney property, where their spokesperson Martin Danovan wasn't conducting himself very professionally-
Clips from the HKW Disney World brawl are shown with Marty Donovan, Dan Stein, Steve Awesome, and the entire cast of Disney all beating the crap out of Zoran Sainovic.
Robert Bakish:
There were a dozen men all beating up one older gentleman in front of his family. But as disgusting as the Disney representatives actions were, the whole ordeal was oddly uplifting. We see an older man getting devastated, but for the sake of his child, pretending its all part of the show. And he kept coming back, no matter what they threw at him. I thought to myself – Zoran Sainovic IS Paramount+! We might be viewed as the underdogs, but we will fight against the odds, and take down any evil Empire – all while actually entertaining people. That is at least what drew me to him, and I suspect why he is tracking so well with our audience.
There were a dozen men all beating up one older gentleman in front of his family. But as disgusting as the Disney representatives actions were, the whole ordeal was oddly uplifting. We see an older man getting devastated, but for the sake of his child, pretending its all part of the show. And he kept coming back, no matter what they threw at him. I thought to myself – Zoran Sainovic IS Paramount+! We might be viewed as the underdogs, but we will fight against the odds, and take down any evil Empire – all while actually entertaining people. That is at least what drew me to him, and I suspect why he is tracking so well with our audience.
They play another clip of Sainovic in a butcher's shop promoting their catalogue versus a rival brand.
Zoran Sainovic:
See at Paramount+ we are only interested in DEEP CUTS.
See at Paramount+ we are only interested in DEEP CUTS.
Marty kicks in his television set.
Marty Donovan:
FUC... oh no, the mushrooms just kicked in.
FUC... oh no, the mushrooms just kicked in.
Marty starts to question whether that Disney brawl was orchestrated. How many of Zoran's losses over the past few months have horribly self-serving repercussions? The hits continue…
The Rumble now over, Death Trap licks his wounds in a greasy spoon. The amount of physical damage at the paws of Fox's assassination attempt is apparent in heavy bandages, but nothing a GIANT MILKSHAKE can’t fix! Enjoying a milkshake in a corner booth, Trap’s muscles push the table further out. Fortunately his dining companion, Mistress, is proportionately much smaller, requiring less space. Unfortunately, she doesn’t play that game – and instead holds the table firm so that it digs into his ribs. Also the giant milk shake belongs to her, while DT’s is substantially smaller. So tiny. It’s going to take a bigger sugar high than that to get over his current wounds. Death Trap really thought he’d be celebrating a rumble victory by feasting on a hippogriff at the Three-time X champion party boat.
Death Trap:
I was in the zone-
I was in the zone-
Mistress:
It does not take much to throw off the game of a person.
It does not take much to throw off the game of a person.
Death Trap:
Yeah, but I followed the regime religiously-
Yeah, but I followed the regime religiously-
Mistress:
New hat?
New hat?
Death Trap:
Yes, but-
Yes, but-
No. Death Trap removes his hat. There is a slight ring of reddish skin where it rested. Not enough to actually be noticeable, but just enough to know the hat is different. Yes, this is the hat that Zoran Sainovic gifted to his self-proclaimed son while giving a Rumble pep talk. A hat that is clearly a few millimetres smaller than the one that Death Trap is used to... not enough to notice on a conscious level, but subconsciously? A nagging inconvenience is just the kind of distraction that could have dire consequences in a high stakes rumble. If it were a gift from anyone but Zoran, Death Trap wouldn’t think it was on purpose.
Death Trap:
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
He rage drinks his milkshake. There will be blood.
At the floating fortress party yacht for triple crown champions, Dylan Black enters the banquet hall to find his Super Frenemy tag partner feasting on what looks like a unicorn. This is the first time the two have been in a room together since the XHF Rumble. A show in which their tag victory chances were basically hurt by Zoran’s poor physical state, which forced Dylan to work far harder than he should have. Later that evening, it was revealed that Zoran's injuries were fake, though to keep up the ruse, Sainovic probably forced Dylan to take far too much damage in the tag – and may have inadvertently been responsible for his frenemy losing the X championship. To say there is tension in the air is an understatement.
Dylan Black:
This whole time...
This whole time...
Zoran looks up from his mythical, if not at the very least endangered entrée. Using some shroud of turin to wipe his mouth with an arm that had spent six months in a cast.
Zoran Sainovic (warm smile):
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Dylan Black:
You tanked that tag match on purpose. Why?
You tanked that tag match on purpose. Why?
Zoran Sainovic (smile fades):
Oh.
Oh.
Putting down his holy relic napkin, Sainovic enjoys a glass of Chateau Margaux 1787, before responding to the murderous looking man on the other side of their thirty-foot table.
Zoran Sainovic:
...I really liked zat suit.
...I really liked zat suit.
Assuming that comment self-explanatory, Sainovic takes another sip of his Chateau Margaux.
Son of a bitch. End of Days. Week 4. The tournament ending with Sainovic defeat Black, only for Black to respond by splashing the Final Boss’ designer suit in oil. At the time Black thought his actions were petty, but long conning a tag run for a bait and switch with dire singles consequences is somehow far worse.
Sighing, Black takes his seat at the other side of the table, and waits for a super model to bring him a plate of Unicorn.
Son of a bitch. End of Days. Week 4. The tournament ending with Sainovic defeat Black, only for Black to respond by splashing the Final Boss’ designer suit in oil. At the time Black thought his actions were petty, but long conning a tag run for a bait and switch with dire singles consequences is somehow far worse.
Sighing, Black takes his seat at the other side of the table, and waits for a super model to bring him a plate of Unicorn.
Dylan Black (smirk):
It was nice suit.
It was nice suit.
Accepting one another’s nature, the two men enjoy their meal. The Super Frenemies have a quality of friendship that Copycat will never understand or know.
The Rumble over, and the tag champions look to celebrate. Off the Wagon stagger out of the arena for a night on the town - when they are greeted by TWO tanker trucks with Super Sake logos emblazed on the side of them.
Randy Angel:
...pinch me...
...pinch me...
Kris Quake:
Best delirium tremors ever!
Best delirium tremors ever!
Super Sake Representative:
Boys, in celebration of your monumental achievement tonight, Super Sake brass wanted to give you an extra special celebration.
Boys, in celebration of your monumental achievement tonight, Super Sake brass wanted to give you an extra special celebration.
Randy Angel:
Who do we have to have sex with?
Who do we have to have sex with?
Super Sake Representative:
No one, it is a gift for your win. You each get your own tanker, which holds 11,600 gallons of Super Sake. And it isn’t regular Super Sake like we usually give you as comps, but a premium brew usually reserved only for executives.
No one, it is a gift for your win. You each get your own tanker, which holds 11,600 gallons of Super Sake. And it isn’t regular Super Sake like we usually give you as comps, but a premium brew usually reserved only for executives.
Kris Quake:
JUST HOOK IT UP TO MY VEINS!
JUST HOOK IT UP TO MY VEINS!
Super Sake Representative (big smile):
Already ahead of you.
Already ahead of you.
The truckers connect industrial hoses to the tankers, only instead of nozzles – they lead to feeding tube-attached masks – reinforced so the pressure doesn’t decapitate anyone. Most people would look at these horrific contraptions and pass out, but Off the Wagon are already strapped in.
Super Sake Representative:
LET ‘ER RIP!
LET ‘ER RIP!
Valves turn; Super Sake flows, and the tankers start emptying their contents into the tag champions, who have reached a nirvana like state of bliss.
Kris Quake (this is probably what he says but its hard to tell in between gulps):
This is so much better than regular super sake.
This is so much better than regular super sake.
Randy Angel (again sounds like):
How will we go back to drinking the regular crap?
How will we go back to drinking the regular crap?
As Off the Wagon drink like they’ve never drank before, one of the labels starts to peel off the tanker. Under the super sake stamp is name Hitachino Nest. The Super Sake rep climbs up on the tanker, and pats the fake logo back down. He hopes the champions don’t develop a crippling addiction to Red Rice Ale.
Super Sake Representative:
Congratulations again, (removing fake moustache) zanks for all your hard work...
Congratulations again, (removing fake moustache) zanks for all your hard work...
Randy Angel:
GLUG! (Less talking more drinking.)
GLUG! (Less talking more drinking.)
Kris Quake:
GLUG! (I can’t feel my kidneys)
GLUG! (I can’t feel my kidneys)
The Sands.
Having returned from the XHF Rumble, the TOW owner makes his rounds. Spotting Al Costello in the corner, Cross Recoba decides to bite the bullet and greet the casino owner. The pace with which he V-lines towards the private booth slows considerably when he sees the company that Costello keeps.
Al Costello:
Well you hit big this time-
Well you hit big this time-
The XHF Devil raises a hand – the one that was bandaged up on New Year’s Eve – to wave Recoba over.
Zoran Sainovic:
Evening.
Evening.
Al Costello:
Cross. I thought you said that Diamond was going to be a sure thing!
Cross. I thought you said that Diamond was going to be a sure thing!
Cross Recoba:
An unfortunate turn.
An unfortunate turn.
Al Costello:
You have any idea the odds I gave this shark on, Fox?
You have any idea the odds I gave this shark on, Fox?
Recoba’s eyes narrow into accusatory slits, as he stares daggers through the Serbian monster to his left. Perhaps the fix was in.
Al Costello:
Cost me a pretty penny.
Cost me a pretty penny.
Zoran Sainovic:
Please Al, what is a little money between friends.
Please Al, what is a little money between friends.
Al Costello (snort):
Little he says.
Little he says.
A waiter approaches the table, carrying a tray with substantial cash stacked on it.
Al Costello:
Not like you need it, you’re loaded anyway, Z. So make sure to move that around the tables.
Not like you need it, you’re loaded anyway, Z. So make sure to move that around the tables.
Zoran Sainovic (lifting a stack):
Sorry Al, but zis windfall is spoken for. I have a feeling zat ze Ron DeSantis legal defence fund is about to get a substantial contribution under ze name Peter Cain.
Sorry Al, but zis windfall is spoken for. I have a feeling zat ze Ron DeSantis legal defence fund is about to get a substantial contribution under ze name Peter Cain.
Al Costello (cannot stifle his amusement):
Ice cold. (pointing at Zoran) Cross, you could learn a lot from this guy.
Ice cold. (pointing at Zoran) Cross, you could learn a lot from this guy.
Recoba’s eyes narrow even further.
Cross Recoba:
Of that, I have no doubt.
Of that, I have no doubt.
Son of a bitch.
GUNS Arena.
A small child paces about the backstage area plotting revenge.
Tinto the CAR Orphan:
I will have my revenge.
I will have my revenge.
A kindly old man walks up to the distraught child.
Zoran Sainovic:
What is bothering you, Tinto?
What is bothering you, Tinto?
Tinto the CAR Orphan (not crying, you’re crying):
That Mister Marty, he makes me so mad! He just cost me my phoenix championship again.
That Mister Marty, he makes me so mad! He just cost me my phoenix championship again.
Zoran Sainovic (pulling out a silk handkerchief wipes the tears away from Tinto’s cheeks):
Well zat’s just because he wants BETTER zings for you.
Well zat’s just because he wants BETTER zings for you.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (sniff):
He does?
He does?
Zoran Sainovic:
Sure he does! Marty knows zat ze phoenix title is beneath you...
Sure he does! Marty knows zat ze phoenix title is beneath you...
Tinto the CAR Orphan:
It is? ...I am very tall.
It is? ...I am very tall.
Zoran Sainovic:
Everyone knows you’re destined to become an X*Crown champion like your favourite Disney princess.
Everyone knows you’re destined to become an X*Crown champion like your favourite Disney princess.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (wiping nose with sleeve):
I am?
I am?
Zoran Sainovic:
You are! So what are you waiting for? You should challenge Fox for zat title, RIGHT NOW.
You are! So what are you waiting for? You should challenge Fox for zat title, RIGHT NOW.
Makes sense! Nodding, Tinto rolls up his sleeves and sets off on his suicide mission. Zoran rises just in time to see El Rey celebrating another successful title defence.
Zoran Sainovic:
REY! Price is telling everyone still wet ze bed, and I’m pretty sure zose rumours have scared off a few hundred pretty "fly bunnies."
REY! Price is telling everyone still wet ze bed, and I’m pretty sure zose rumours have scared off a few hundred pretty "fly bunnies."
El Rey:
No one would believe such nonsense.
No one would believe such nonsense.
Zoran Sainovic:
...
...
El Rey:
...I haven’t wet the bed in decades!
...I haven’t wet the bed in decades!
Zoran Sainovic:
...
...
El Rey:
...WHAT DO I DO?
...WHAT DO I DO?
Zoran Sainovic:
Confront PRICE!
Confront PRICE!
El Rey:
Really?
Really?
Damn. Well if that rumour continues, El Rey will have a much harder time seducing the ladies, and he wouldn’t want to live in that world anyway.
El Rey:
Alright, here I come-
Alright, here I come-
Zoran Sainovic:
Don’t forget to take protection.
Don’t forget to take protection.
The Final Boss hands Rey a blade – with a clearly retractable blade that wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not that El Rey knows that.
El Rey:
Thanks Zoran... you’re a real friend!
Thanks Zoran... you’re a real friend!
With that El Rey charges off to certain doom. The amount of hoops that Venom has to jump through to keep the boy from being killed will certainly tax GUNS management.
A GUNS Stockholder’s meeting later that month.
Venom and Magnus field a dozen questions from some clearly angry stockholders.
Magnus:
One at a time!
One at a time!
Stockholder #1:
So is it an actual Star Wars alien that is threatening to eat the Arena?
So is it an actual Star Wars alien that is threatening to eat the Arena?
Magnus:
Thank you, good question, no. We believe the Sarlacc Pit title is just figurative to describe its appearance, and it is not actually a living entity. Unfortunately the sinkhole is still threatening to consume GUNS Arena. It has been condemned. We currently have the company touring the country to promote brand awareness, and to avoid any serious accidents at the site.
Thank you, good question, no. We believe the Sarlacc Pit title is just figurative to describe its appearance, and it is not actually a living entity. Unfortunately the sinkhole is still threatening to consume GUNS Arena. It has been condemned. We currently have the company touring the country to promote brand awareness, and to avoid any serious accidents at the site.
Venom:
However, as you can see from these satellite images, the pit is growing at an alarming rate – and urgent action is required on our parts to repair the damage. Otherwise, we may not have a next season.
However, as you can see from these satellite images, the pit is growing at an alarming rate – and urgent action is required on our parts to repair the damage. Otherwise, we may not have a next season.
Magnus:
Which is why we’ve called you here today. We have the funds needed for the repair in the company reserve, but to access the capital to fix our arena, we need to put it to a vote.
Which is why we’ve called you here today. We have the funds needed for the repair in the company reserve, but to access the capital to fix our arena, we need to put it to a vote.
Stockholder #28:
...But weren’t you two responsible for ze sinkhole? Why should company resources be allotted to a problem zat ze two of you should be financially responsible for PERSONALLY?
...But weren’t you two responsible for ze sinkhole? Why should company resources be allotted to a problem zat ze two of you should be financially responsible for PERSONALLY?
Magnus:
Who said that-?
Who said that-?
Stockholder #28, Zoran Sainovic, rises. Having recently received a small stake in the company to avoid suing them over the whole “Venom tries to kill Zoran” storyline, Sainovic has just enough paperwork to get a voice at these proceedings.
Venom:
Motherf-
Motherf-
Magnus:
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT CAUSED THE SINKHOLE!
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT CAUSED THE SINKHOLE!
Zoran Sainovic (looking down at paperwork):
According to ze police reports, ze hole was caused by a series of C4 charges set off in ze parking lot.
According to ze police reports, ze hole was caused by a series of C4 charges set off in ze parking lot.
Venom:
BY YOU!
BY YOU!
Zoran Sainovic:
Further investigation found zat C4 was purchased by yourselves for inclusion in a (looks down at paperwork like he doesn’t know) Pokémon death match?
Further investigation found zat C4 was purchased by yourselves for inclusion in a (looks down at paperwork like he doesn’t know) Pokémon death match?
Venom:
You replaced the charges with sparklers, and used the bombs later in a far more irresponsible way!
You replaced the charges with sparklers, and used the bombs later in a far more irresponsible way!
Zoran Sainovic (eyebrow raising):
Irresponsible like... setting off a hundred C4 charges in a parking lot. What other way were they intended?
Irresponsible like... setting off a hundred C4 charges in a parking lot. What other way were they intended?
Venom:
Er...
Er...
Magnus:
Look regardless of how the hole was made, it’s there, and without immediate action it is going to swallow our arena! We have the contractors in place; we just need to put it to a vote to move forward with the funds. All in favour?
Look regardless of how the hole was made, it’s there, and without immediate action it is going to swallow our arena! We have the contractors in place; we just need to put it to a vote to move forward with the funds. All in favour?
There is a showing of hands, but before they can catch on...
Zoran Sainovic:
Zere are a number of red flags here. Beyond ze personal responsibility zat you two shoulder, I zink an independent investigation is required to assess ze extent of ze damage, and look into third party quotes to fill in ze hole.
Zere are a number of red flags here. Beyond ze personal responsibility zat you two shoulder, I zink an independent investigation is required to assess ze extent of ze damage, and look into third party quotes to fill in ze hole.
All hands except Magnus and Venom go down.
Venom:
No, this isn’t-
No, this isn’t-
Zoran Sainovic:
I’m sorry gentlemen, but your board has spoken.
I’m sorry gentlemen, but your board has spoken.
Magnus:
We really can’t wait-
We really can’t wait-
Their lifeline brought crashing to a halt, Zoran leaves the bickering stockholders. That isn’t going to be resolved anytime soon. As the Final Boss makes his way to the exit, a cameraman stalks up behind him.
Videographer:
Mister Sainovic-
Mister Sainovic-
Zoran Sainovic (stops):
Yes?
Yes?
Videographer:
You seem to be understandably reaping misfortune on everyone who recently crossed you. For the most part, they all seemed to be asking for it... there is one party in all of this that seems relatively innocent. Why did you do that to Copycat?
You seem to be understandably reaping misfortune on everyone who recently crossed you. For the most part, they all seemed to be asking for it... there is one party in all of this that seems relatively innocent. Why did you do that to Copycat?
Zoran Sainovic (half turning):
Why Copycat?
Why Copycat?
The Final Boss thinks about this for a moment, before turning his back on the camera.
Zoran Sainovic (cold eyes):
...why not.
...why not.
With that, the Final Boss walks away. For all his calculated planning, and elaborate designs, Zoran Sainovic leaves only chaos in his wake.