MOTHER. 22. The till death do us part...
Jul 11, 2023 18:11:12 GMT -5
bloodiedfox and Visit Neom like this
Post by mtc on Jul 11, 2023 18:11:12 GMT -5
We slowly fade into a chapel, where the long awaited nuptials of Norman Krabbe and The Industrial Woman are set to take place.
Standing on a pew, checking the hymn books in case one of them has racy pictures, Tinto is so bored he could die. His deceased Mother insisted they show up early to get decent seats, which is just the kind of demand that led to her currently being dead to the boy. She has a conversation with Bonus Stage car testing’s Chun-Li, while Tinto desperately tries to remove his tie. Knots. His one weakness! How did she know? Yet despite how stuffy and boring this setting is, it has nothing to do with the child’s foul mood.
Tinto:
I am way cuter than a dog!
I am way cuter than a dog!
Princess Puppicino IV – The Industrial Woman’s wrestling championship-winning Pomeranian – was tapped to be the ring bearer. The rings are going to be brought out on its furry head. Tinto could have just as easily walked down the aisle with a box on his head! It isn’t fair. It is at that moment, a cunning plan enters the mind of CAR’s Danny Ocean. Reaching into his little burgundy suit, Tinto produces a Nestle CRUNCH bar.
Tinto:
It would be a shame if Puppicino ate chocolate before the ceremony, and I had to save the day...
It would be a shame if Puppicino ate chocolate before the ceremony, and I had to save the day...
Climbing down from the pew, Tinto leaves his mother to her conversation so he can poison a dog.
Norman Krabbe (sweating bullets):
What if she gets cold feet?
What if she gets cold feet?
Bogdan Tomas:
The temperatures at the race are looking pretty good for New York in July.
The temperatures at the race are looking pretty good for New York in July.
Norman Krabbe:
I mean today-
I mean today-
Bogdan Tomas:
When they aren’t wheels – I-W is made out of titanium. I’m pretty sure her feet are always cold, Norman.
When they aren’t wheels – I-W is made out of titanium. I’m pretty sure her feet are always cold, Norman.
Tinto (pulling at coattails):
Have you seen her royal fleabag, Mister Bogdan?
Have you seen her royal fleabag, Mister Bogdan?
Bogdan Tomas:
As a matter of fact, I think the pup was drinking out of the men’s-
As a matter of fact, I think the pup was drinking out of the men’s-
Stopping in midsentence, the former CAR driver, then CAR, and now team owner, Bogdan Tomas turns pale looking at the front door, and then shuffles off from his best man duties of keeping Norman from fainting.
Tinto:
Don’t worry; I can be your best man Mister Norman.
Don’t worry; I can be your best man Mister Norman.
Norman Krabbe (guzzling Pepto-Bismol):
Thanks Tin-
Thanks Tin-
Already bored and curious at Bogdan’s reaction, Tinto abandons Norman, wandering up to the entrance. Here the monster truck, GRAVEDIGGER is directing traffic.
GRAVEDIGGER:
ARE YOU WITH THE BRIDE OR GROOM?
ARE YOU WITH THE BRIDE OR GROOM?
J.R. Lupei:
It’s my name on the bride’s patent! Apparently I’m the maid of honour. Can’t believe that Krabbe putz finally grew a pair.
It’s my name on the bride’s patent! Apparently I’m the maid of honour. Can’t believe that Krabbe putz finally grew a pair.
GRAVEDIGGER:
SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN THE BACK HELPING WITH HER MAKE-UP?
SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN THE BACK HELPING WITH HER MAKE-UP?
J.R. Lupei (shrug):
She's on her last nerve. Robots! Figured I’d hob nob in here- (sees Tomas trying to disappear) Jeez, you give a guy a racing company you figured he could let bygones be by-
She's on her last nerve. Robots! Figured I’d hob nob in here- (sees Tomas trying to disappear) Jeez, you give a guy a racing company you figured he could let bygones be by-
GRAVEDIGGER (Greek Chorus Mode):
WHEN BOGDAN TOMAS WAS RACING FOR J.R. LUPEI, THE OWNER WAS QUITE ABUSIVE TO HIS CHAMPIONSHIP WINNING DRIVER. SO WHEN TOMAS FOUND HIMSELF MAGICALLY TRANSFORMED INTO A CAR, HE KEPT UP THE RUSE OF BEING CHRISTINE SO THAT LUPEI WOULDN’T DISMANTLE HIM. ONLY PORTRAYING A LADY IN CAR FORM, ROMANCE BLOSSOMED. WAS IT LOVE’S TRUE KISS THAT TURNED HIM BACK? AFTER A NIGHT OF ROMANCE, LUPEI FOUND HIMSELF EMBRACING NOT A CAR, NOR A WOMAN, BUT A HUMAN MALE. QUESTIONING HIS SEXUALITY AND THE MORALS OF COURTING AN EMPLOYEE, LUPEI RELINQUISHED CONTROL OF THE COMPANY TO TOMAS...
WHEN BOGDAN TOMAS WAS RACING FOR J.R. LUPEI, THE OWNER WAS QUITE ABUSIVE TO HIS CHAMPIONSHIP WINNING DRIVER. SO WHEN TOMAS FOUND HIMSELF MAGICALLY TRANSFORMED INTO A CAR, HE KEPT UP THE RUSE OF BEING CHRISTINE SO THAT LUPEI WOULDN’T DISMANTLE HIM. ONLY PORTRAYING A LADY IN CAR FORM, ROMANCE BLOSSOMED. WAS IT LOVE’S TRUE KISS THAT TURNED HIM BACK? AFTER A NIGHT OF ROMANCE, LUPEI FOUND HIMSELF EMBRACING NOT A CAR, NOR A WOMAN, BUT A HUMAN MALE. QUESTIONING HIS SEXUALITY AND THE MORALS OF COURTING AN EMPLOYEE, LUPEI RELINQUISHED CONTROL OF THE COMPANY TO TOMAS...
J.R. Lupei:
THAT DIRTY SCOUNDR-
THAT DIRTY SCOUNDR-
GRAVEDIGGER:
NOT A CONSCIOUS RUSE, KEEP IN MIND THAT NIGHT HE WAS A CAR, SO YOUR SUBSEQUENT REACTION...
NOT A CONSCIOUS RUSE, KEEP IN MIND THAT NIGHT HE WAS A CAR, SO YOUR SUBSEQUENT REACTION...
J.R. Lupei:
...spurred him... (cringe) you do solid exposition truck. One of my news networks could use an anchor like you.
...spurred him... (cringe) you do solid exposition truck. One of my news networks could use an anchor like you.
Clearly fighting in his head, Lupei produces a business card and places it under the monster truck’s windshield wiper.
Tinto:
Gravedigger did you see-
Gravedigger did you see-
GRAVEDIGGER:
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN MISTER LUPEI, EXCUSE ME – I HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER.
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN MISTER LUPEI, EXCUSE ME – I HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER.
The monster truck is so excited, he almost runs over the little boy.
Tinto:
Mister J.R., I have a business idea that I think-
Mister J.R., I have a business idea that I think-
The eccentric billionaire is too caught up in thought to realize he’s being spoken too. The child’s scheme to make a DOOM movie rated for all audiences falls on deaf ears. Ignored again. There has to be another friend around?
Tinto:
JUNIOR welcome-
JUNIOR welcome-
The talking car that won the Sippy Cup, then immediately abandoned the team, is currently holding Mimsy the cat with one of its windshield wipers, while talking to an older woman.
JUNIOR the CAR (hood flapping for speech):
Not now Tinto, I’m taking care of business. (back) So you see I just happened to find your cat-
The demonically possessed car hands the cat over to the woman for two hundred bucks.
Tinto:
You can’t give away Mimsy; she’s a member of our team!
The little boy tries to grab the cat from the older woman.
Mimsy:
Hisssssssssssssssssssss!
True to its feral state, Mimsy promptly scratches the child’s hand. A large crowd gathers around this scene.
Tinto (holding bloody hand):
Is this what we do when someone offers us money? Just forget that we’re a family and sell off the least used member?
JUNIOR the CAR (rolling windshield wipers like eyes):
Kids.
The crowd laugh at this cynical truth, leaving Tinto to run crying off to his favourite Disney princess.
Tinto:
How much chocolate will render a dog incapacitated without getting me grounded?
Unfortunately, Zoran is too busy entertaining his own son, Oliver, and doesn’t notice this request for legal advice. The child continues its frantic search for attention.
J.R. Lupei (cornering Bogdan):
Bogdan.
Bogdan Tomas (cold sweat):
Jerome. Look, there is no easy way to say this, and its been eating at me for awhile-
J.R. Lupei:
I know.
Bogdan Tomas (cringe):
Know what...?
J.R. Lupei:
Know most of it.
Bogdan Tomas:
I see. Well, I'm still sorry. I didn’t mean to mislead you-
J.R. Lupei:
I get that... you were scared. Heck, when I found out, I could have shot you, but that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it? When we first met I was a bit of an ogre.
There are a lot of Street Fighter car breaking bonus round characters in the wedding party.
J.R. Lupei:
Thing is... I’m trying my best to change. And as shocked as I was when we woke up together, thinking back to the time we spent... there were a lot of special moments.
Bogdan Tomas:
I actually did enjoy your company.
J.R. Lupei:
Do you think we could meet, outside of a work place environment, and see what we’re like as real people, you know, actually start over?
Bogdan Tomas:
...Even if it’s just for closure, I’d like to give it a try.
J.R. Lupei (smile):
By the way, can you turn back and forth into a car like Indie?
Bogdan Tomas (smile):
I’m just a man.
J.R. Lupei (shrug):
Well, nobody’s perfect.
The bridal march begins on the organ. Tomas races back to his best man position, holding Norman’s hair while he hyperventilates into a paper bag – in case he throws up. Zoran Sainovic retreats to the back, so that he can walk his surrogate daughter down the aisle. J.R. Lupei has to hold the trail. His last chance to get to the dog, Tinto is darting around so wired that it’s like he ate the CRUNCH bar himself.
The Industrial Bride is decked out in white, and everything you imaged, as a child, dreaming about your future with Arcee from Transformers the movie.
Norman Krabbe:
Is the room spinning?
So Norman promptly faints.
Darkness.
When Norman finally comes too, a concerned I-W is kneeling over him.
Norman Krabbe:
Is it over, did I miss it?
The Industrial Man (at the pulpit):
The ceremony has only just commenced, with it’s completion rate sitting at the 2% mark.
Norman Krabbe:
I’m sorry Indie; I guess my nerves got the best of me-
I-W:
Norman Krabbe. You have asked for this unit’s hand in matrimony, despite the potential manufacturer consequences from J.R. and Zoran should anything prove faulty with the union. ...Norman, you are the bravest man I know.
With the strength of a mechanical lady, I-W hoists her fiancée up to his feet. Here The Industrial Man – who is apparently an ordained minister – commences running his scripture program.
Industrial Man:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of this man with this machine-
MEANWHILE, INSIDE DINOSAUR BONES.
The intrepid heroes continue their quest to find an exit, though have been side tracked by a pressing need for food. Marmaduke Matters raises a can of corned beans.
Marmaduke Matters:
If ARM815H1 MK.69 doesn’t mind being a can opener, I think we’re in luck-
Suddenly a creature that looks suspiciously like the Pokémon Cubone lurches out of the tall grass, raising his bone as a weapon.
Dinosaur Bones JUNIOR:
Give me all your food! I’m STARVING.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim:
In that, you are not alone, brother!
The arrival of the rest of the motley survivors takes DB Junior by surprise. He probably can’t beat them up with his club, so instead decides a different tactic.
Dinosaur Bones JUNIOR:
Look if you don’t give me that food, I’m going to tell my MA... and when she finds out you made me cry, she is going to eat you.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim:
And whom prey tell is this kin of yours?
Dinosaur Bones JUNIOR:
Dinosaur Bones.
Marmaduke Matters:
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, LITERALLY OWN THE T-SHIRT.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim:
Wait... didn’t you get eaten by Bones, yourself?*
*It happened at the 2022 XHF Rumble –GRAVEDIGGER
Maramduke Matters:
Yeah, didn’t you die and have your ghost possess a car?
Dinosaur Bones JUNIOR:
Never ...that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim:
But if you’re not the ghost in the machine... who is?
BACK AT THE CHAPEL.
Industrial Man:
If anyone can find reason why these two should not be wed, speak so now or forever hold your peace-
...
CHRISTINE THE CAR:
I WON’T LET THIS EIGHT-BIT FLOOZY TAKE MY NORMAN!
JUNIOR THE CAR runs into Industrial Woman. Fortunately she’s made out of titanium, so its not one of those vehicular homicides that Memaw is always complaining about. Instead the Porsche and mechanical bride roll around on the ground like some sort of bizarre catfight.
Norman Krabbe:
MA?!
Having forced the full CRUNCH bar down Princess Puppicino IV’s gullet, Tinto returns to the ceremony – to find the entire MOTHER crew, and all their family and friends, trying to pull CHRISTINE the demonically possessed Porsche off of the Industrial Woman. Even Zoran suggesting she’s gaining a daughter fails to move the Kandarian demon.
You can never go back. Puppicino is twitching like that was a groundable amount of chocolate. Tinto will eventually die from cat scratch fever, but not before having many adventures with a RIVAL TEAM. Not impressed by the fighting, Tinto's Sainted Dead Mother grabs him by the arm and makes for the exit. ...At the moment, Tinto has never felt more like THE CAR Orphan.
The scene is upsetting, but there may be a happy ending yet. Perhaps after all these years, Norman will finally man up, and stand up to his...
Norman Krabbe:
M-